All language subtitles for LA.to.Vegas.S01E01.720p.WEB.x264-TBS

Hi, I'm Captain Dave,
and I'll be escorting

you to an exclusive preview of
the pilot episode of "LA to Vegas".

If there's anything else you need...
snack, blanket, perhaps a cocktail...

Well... You're on your own there.

That's not my job.

Enjoy the show.

Hi, Mr. Brightman.

It's Ronnie Messing.

We met yesterday.

I was just calling to... Oh, wait!

Sorry, not you.

I'm yelling at a car.

Anyway, I just want you to know

I'm very, very interested in the job.

I still... Oh, wait!

Again, not you.

So call me.

I'm talking to you this time,
not the car.

- Hey, dick!
- Sorry.

No liquids.

♪ Gonna set my soul ♪

- Ow.
- ♪ On fire ♪

- Ow.
- ♪ Got a whole lot of money ♪

♪ That's ready to burn ♪

♪ So get those stakes up higher ♪

♪ There's a thousand pretty
women waitin' out there ♪

♪ And they're all livin' ♪

♪ Devil may care ♪

♪ And I'm just the devil... ♪

Excuse me, guys.

Sorry, I have to get through here.

I know. Thank you very much.

- Hey!
- Oh, God. Sorry.

Thank you. Excuse me. Oh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Excuse me.

♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas. ♪

Welcome aboard.

Got dressed in the terminal
again, didn't you?

Well, at least I wore underwear
this time. Welcome!

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

That's the third time
you've checked your phone.

Am I not enough for you?

I'm sorry. I'm expecting a call.

You heard about Margie Kendall
at Delta, right?

Yeah, they fired her
after she freaked out

and started sprinkling bacon
all over the vegan meals.

Well, I applied for her job.

- I interviewed for it yesterday.
- Girl, no.

That's the JFK route.

You don't want it. It's so sad.

The only reason people fly
to New York is for work,

and, ugh, to see plays.

Even the name JFK...

So tragic.

It's not just about New York, Bernard.

New York leads to London,
which leads to Hong Kong.

I could see the world.
Isn't that why we do this?

Let me tell you something.

I've been doing this for a long time.

I've been on flights with royalty.

Hollywood royalty. Elizabeth Taylor.

- She threw an earring at a baby.
- Okay.

And of all those destinations,

Las Vegas is the most
enchanting place there is.

A place where tigers are liberated

from their dirty jungles,
and acrobats can make a living.

Do you really want to leave this?

I need to be on a real airline
where people aren't just looking

to cheat on their wives
and butt-smuggle molly.

Don't joke. I lost a friend that way.

Ronnie!

Ronnie?

- Ronnie!
- Okay, okay.

Artem, what's the problem?

There's a baby man, sitting in my seat.

We've been over this.
There aren't assigned seats.

But you know this is my lucky seat.

If I sit here, I lose,
if I sit here, I lose,

but if I sit here, I win.

And I can hire some sexy dancing ladies.

This seat is a job creator.

Then pay the extra seven dollars
for priority boarding.

It's only a lucky seat if it's free.

We don't care where we sit.

We'd just like two seats
next to each other.

He's adorable.

Okay. One moment.

- Thank you.
- Um... Oh.

Hi. I'm sorry, would you mind terribly

sitting next to this pain in the ass

and letting the couple take your row?

Oh, no. No, I'd rather not.

I like to keep to myself,
and he's a bit of a talker.

That's a nice shirt.

How much percent cotton?

Okay.

Thank you. That's helpful.

All right.

Anybody sitting
next to an unoccupied seat

and is willing to move gets free beer!

You!

Not you.

Anyone drinking for one?

You, sir.

- Thank you.
- Of course. You're welcome.

After you.

You happy now, or is he bad luck, too?

Not sure yet.

Are you Jew?

Take it from me,
Muay Thai will change your life.

- Mm-hmm.
- I myself started taking lessons,

but I'm picking it up so fast
that I'm also giving lessons.

Captain, cabin's ready
and doors are closed.

All right, gentlemen,
it's time to get high.

And also fly this old bird.
Just a little captain's joke.

I never get high when I'm flying,

unless I mistimed the edible.

Another captain's joke.

You really think that's
a good use of everyone's time?

If I can't have some fun with
my passengers, why am I here?

To fly the plane. Go do that.

Ronnie, I haven't taken orders

since I was in the Air Force or married.

Fortunately, I was
honorably discharged from both.

He still looks at pictures
of his ex-wife and cries.

You want to do the honors, Alan?

- Yeah!
- No. You never touch this.

This is Captain Dave time.

Good afternoon, everyone.
This is your captain and friend.

I'd like to welcome you
on Jackpot Airlines Flight 1610,

service to "Lost Wages."

Why aren't you laughing?

I've heard it, like, 1,200 times.

Okay, I saw you talking
to the British invasion before.

Shut up right now
and tell us everything.

Oh, it was magical.

I ask him to move, he said no.

But that accent.
Does he call his pants "trousers"?

Ooh, I bet he likes warm beer.
Do we have any?

The fridge is broken,
that's all we have.

Maybe he's a secret agent
like James Bond,

who keeps falling in love with
the witnesses he's sworn to protect.

But, oh, they keep getting killed.

Well, he's terrible at his job, then.

Explains why he flies this airline.

You know what?

I'm just gonna find out
British guy's deal myself.

I might as well, right?
Today is my last chance.

- Why? What's going on?
- Oh, I didn't tell you?

Delta hired me for their JFK route.

You got Margie Kendall's job.

Oh...

Wow!

That's so... great!

I mean, what a big... big deal for you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you're looking
for a high-quality steak

at a low-quality price, go to
Ernie's Steakhouse off the Strip.

Trust me, I don't get paid to say this.

Free steak.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, my God, are you a stripper?

Um... no.

Why not? You have an amazing body.

You could totally be a stripper.

I'm a stripper. Kelly's a stripper.

We go to Vegas on the weekends
because you can make, like,

ten times more there
than you would in L. A.

Especially if there's
a big fight in town

or a trade show for phones
or toilets or whatever.

I mean, you would not believe
how lonely urinal salesmen are.

That all sounds... neat.

Um, but actually, I'm going
to Vegas to get married.

Oh, that's so romantic.

- Marriage is the best.
- Are you married?

No. But a lot of the guys
who ask me for oral are.

Anyway, if you ever want to come
by the club and dance, ask for Nichole.

I get a bonus
for every new girl I bring in.

And don't worry, I'm not gonna
make you trap or anything.

- Trap?
- Tell you that we're gonna go

and strip and party, but then
force you into prostitution.

Oh. Well, I wasn't worried about that,

but now it's the only thing
I'll ever worry about.

I trained Jill. How could they
give her that job over me?

So you didn't get JFK.

Personally, I think you dodged a bullet.

Unlike a certain president
on a cold November day.

I did not take this job to be stuck
on the same stupid route forever.

I thought I was going to travel
the world, meet interesting people.

I thought I would have adventures.

I thought I was gonna be a dancer.

Oh, my God.
Is that how crazy I sound?

Ronnie, this is where you belong.
You are great at this job.

You speak these people's language.

I don't want to speak their language.

I want to speak French or Italian,

or whatever accent
Madonna's faking right now.

You leave Madonna out of this.

I can't do this anymore, Bernard.

I've had enough. I quit.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do. I'm done.

And the raving bitch in 5E
needs a double screwdriver.

- There's no one in 5E.
- There is now.

And don't worry, I'm not gonna
make you trap or anything.

Hey, we don't even need a chapel.

This guy will come to our
hotel room and marry us for free

- if we let him film the... Never mind.
- Hello.

I would like to apologize
for my earlier rudeness.

I didn't even say
congratulations for wedding.

Oh. Thank you.

So, give me the deets.

You are eloping?

Well, we actually
aren't calling it that,

but, yeah, I-I guess
that is what we're doing.

Marriage is such a beautiful
institution. I'm married.

The first time I see wife,
it was like Cupid hit me.

Yeah. Yeah, that's how we felt.

- Yeah.
- We're high school sweethearts.

So why you elope?
He knock you up?

No. God, no, she's not pregnant. I...

Oh, because you're virgins?

It's religious, and now
you want to get married quickly

so he can make entry.

I'm sorry. So he can what?

Uh, we're-we're not religious.

It's just... Our parents are
throwing this giant wedding for us

that we don't want.

We finally decided to just
do this on our own terms.

Well, I wish the both of you a lifetime
full of happiness, luck and love.

- Thank you.
- Yup.

What a sweet man.

It is to piss off the parents.

Hey, King George, you want
to have a drink with me?

Seems like you're doing fine
by yourself.

Vodka, scotch, tequila.

It's like you're hosting
the Olympics in your liver.

Oh, yeah. Well, Russia's in the lead,
but Mexico's coming on strong.

Mmm.

Oh, come on.

One drink. I'm having a bad day.

- Fine, I'll have one.
- Hmm.

But only 'cause I'm concerned about

what all this liquor is doing
to somebody of your body mass.

Oh, you've noticed my body mass.

Yes, well, you have to have a keen eye
when you're an MI6 agent.

Even a terrible one
who kills all his witnesses.

No, you don't kill them.

You're just so incompetent,
they die on your watch.

- Oh, right.
- Yeah.

I need to do a better job
of eavesdropping next time.

Mistakes like that get people killed.

Yeah.

You know, in eight months of flying,

I think this is the most
I've ever heard you talk.

Well, I guess it's 'cause
you haven't got me drunk before.

- You want another one?
- No. No, no, no.

One more, and I'm gonna have
to attend a tiny A. A. meeting.

Okay, so what do you really do?

I am a professor of economics
at, uh, UCLA.

Oh, well, are you at least,
like, a rogue professor

who plays by his own rules?

No. I generally operate
within University Bylaws.

Wait, did you say you teach economics?

Okay, you might know this.
So, I'm an exotic dancer,

and I get naked at work,
but I also get naked in my home.

Can I write that off as a home office?

I don't believe so.

I'm gonna kill Amber.

Nice to see you.

Well, look at that.

You two kids
getting married this weekend?

Uh-huh.

That's fantastic.

You know, if you need an officiant...

Oh, actually, we might.
Are you ordained?

Uh, yeah.
You're sitting in my ordination.

You know how a boat captain
can marry anyone?

I'm a plane captain.

It's the same thing.

It's not the same thing.

Yes, it is. What the hell do you know?

I know that you should be
flying this plane

and not talking garbage.

If you understood anything
about modern aviation,

you know these planes fly themselves.

This baby is a technological marvel.

And besides, my job isn't
just about flying the plane.

It's about connecting
with the passengers.

Connect with us
by not crashing the plane!

I'll connect however the hell I want!

Hey, you still owe me $300
from, uh, Vikings last week.

I'm good for it.

I really thought
that Delta job was my chance.

I-I don't understand
why this keeps happening to me.

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh," what?

Oh, it's nothing.
I was just clearing my throat.

The accent makes it sound,
um, judgmental.

No, it's fine. You can tell me.
I'm a big girl.

Well, I've observed
that you are quite impulsive.

You did just quit your job
on this airline

because you didn't get a job
on another airline,

which is precisely when you
would need a job on this airline.

Thank you very much, but I don't
need to get lectured by you.

People literally pay
to get lectured by me.

Okay, TED Talk,
what would you have done?

Well, since you asked,
I would have analyzed

current hiring trends in the job market,

cross-referenced those with
my experience and particular...

- Oh, my God!
- If nothing else,

I wouldn't have quit
on the outbound flight,

'cause now you're gonna have
to pay for your own way home.

Damn it. Yes.

That was dumb on my part,
but I go with my gut,

unlike some overthinky
British know-it-all

with an NPR tote bag.

Okay, their programming is brought to us

by listeners like me.

Well, I don't have to listen to you

just because you have a sexy accent.

Well, I don't have to engage with you

just because you're
uncommonly beautiful.

Why are you complimenting me?

You complimented me first.

This is a very confusing fight!

You're a very confusing woman!

Well, I know how to make it
more confusing!

That's wet, that's wet, that's wet.

This is so much grosser than
I ever imagined it would be.

Never touch that with your hand!

You two banging in there?

Rain check?

- God, yes.
- Yeah, okay, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Las Vegas.

Okay, so it looks like the
chapel is next to a gun range.

- Ooh.
- Wait, the chapel is a gun range.

Hey, look, I've never done
anything like that before.

I don't want you to think that...

Oh, I don't.

Also, by the way, neither have I.

- So I don't want you to think...
- I don't.

Good. So, neither of us think.

Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!

I'll call you when I'm back in L. A.

I'd like that.

Vegas! Vegas!

Well, bad news, folks.

Flight 1322 with service to Los Angeles

will be delayed at least another hour.

I just want to throw up in my own house.

Hey. How'd you do this weekend?

Ah, so-so.

What about you?

Pretty good.

Maybe I should quit card,
become stripper, huh?

Well, what are you working with?
'Cause you'll clean up

if you're bigger than eight
or smaller than three.

And then she says,

"I can't be with someone
who's always somewhere else."

So I say, "Booboo, I'm a pilot."

And she says, "No,
emotionally somewhere else."

Then... I don't know what she said.

I had to end the FaceTime
because we were landing.

Mmm.

One more for the road, Scotty.

I'm wheels up in ten.

It's club soda.

Flight 1322, now boarding.

Hey, there.

Hi.

Uh, what are you doing here?
I thought you quit.

Oh, well, you were right.

That might've been
a little too impulsive.

And besides, this job
is not all that bad.

I meet some interesting people
at least, right?

Uh, yeah, that's good.
Uh, pleased for you.

Here's the thing, uh, quick update...

Honey, all the bins are full.

I hate other people's stuff.

Hi. Can you check this for us?

"Us"?

You two are together?

Yeah. We're married.
Isn't he lucky?

Can you take it, please?

Yes.

Absolutely.

I didn't realize
you had so much baggage.

For the new trick,
Pascal the Magnificent

wants to make me disappear

and then reappear in Jerusalem.

But I don't know.
I don't like hummus.

Excuse me.

Oh, no, it's guacamole I don't like.

I don't like guacamole.

Attention, passengers,

you are now free
to move about the cabin.

Hello. Could I please explain?

No need. I get it.
Mystery solved.

You go to Vegas every weekend
to see your wife.

No. I go to see my child.

Of course you have a family.

You didn't think about maybe
mentioning that to me before?

Oh, yeah, while you were
unbuttoning my pants,

I kept on thinking, "I can't
wait for her to meet my son."

- Look...
- I can't believe how stupid I feel.

I was just having such a bad day,

and I really thought
something nice came out of this.

But you're not nice.
You're just another guy

who will do anything
to get a woman into bathroom.

Just listen. A few years ago,
I was in Vegas for a conference.

I met... a magician's assistant.

I didn't overthink it for once.
We spent the night together.

Ta-da! She's pregnant.

I mean, what are the odds?

Well, it depends on her age,

time in cycle, and which pocket
you keep your cell phone.

It's roughly five to two.

That's not helpful.

Sit down, Colin. We're done.

Can we please just discuss...

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has turned on
the fasten seat belt sign.

Please return to your seats.

The seat belt light isn't on.

Right, but we're not experiencing any...

Wow.

That is a terrifying trick.

And the thing that took
my Muay Thai to the next level

was when I realized...

There are no levels.

You want to fly the plane?

Okay.

What are you doing?

Just taking a walk.

Mm-hmm. And what's in your pocket?

Is that... Oh, a sock?

Were you gonna put a sock
on the cockpit door?

Yeah. I'm doing it for all of you.

It's bad enough Alan has to watch.

This is not okay.
You cannot just go around

putting socks wherever you want.

Captain Steve, who flies international,

says he has sex all the time
with the passengers.

How come I'm not allowed
to do anything cool?

How come I can't bond
with some 21-year-old bros

or officiate a wedding
or make it with some EDM ho?

Excuse me. I'm into house.

And I cannot wait
to hear all about that.

You think this is
how I pictured my life?

I grew up wanting to be a fighter pilot,

not flying the puddle jumper to Vegas.

All I wanted to be was a hero.

Now I'll just settle
for one decent story.

Please...

Don't cockpit block me.

Ronnie, can I at least
have my sock back?

My foot's freezing.

Hey, newlywed.

Where's the wifey?
I just wanted to say thanks.

'Cause of her, I got a gift card.

What are you talking about?

Well, she came to my club and
danced and said I referred her.

To dance, you mean to strip?

Well, yeah. You didn't see?

No. Last time I saw Katie
was Friday night.

So the wedding did not happen?

No. Okay?

When we got to the hotel,

she decided that I've been
holding her back.

So, she broke it off
and stayed in Vegas.

That's the story. You happy now?

No, I lost "Girl stays in Vegas"
six to one.

You're a winner, Gary!

Wait, you bet on
my marriage falling apart?

Eh...

What is wrong with you people?!

Before she got on this plane,
she was just a normal girl.

Two hours with all of you,
and suddenly she's leaving me

to go take her clothes off
for a Saudi prince.

Oh, you guys met Raja.
No, he's not a Saudi prince.

He's just a Mexican with a pet falcon.

What's going on?

This plane is full of monsters.

Okay. You're not wrong, but the
best thing you can do right now

is just take a deep breath and relax.

Oh, now you want to get involved?

You're not too busy having sex
in the bathroom with that guy?

Yeah, everybody knows about that.

Wait, you had sex with her?

No, we did not have sex.

It was just a bit of
over-the-trouser stuff.

Trousers. Told you.

But, frankly, even if we did,
it's none of your business.

- We've been separated a year.
- You're separated?

Yes. That's what I was
trying to tell you before...

Oh, my God! Who cares?!

Okay, just calm down.
Let me get you a nice warm beer.

Do not come near me,
or I swear I will go...

Passenger 57 all over this place.

You leave Wesley Snipes out of this.

You people are the villains,

and you know what happens
to the villains?

They go down.

Yeah, that's right.

I'll take out this whole plane.

They'll call me a hero.

They will throw parades in my honor!

Muay Thai!

Ooh.

Okay.

Too far. I get it.

That was too far.

Consider yourself grounded.

This is a pretty good story.

Making love in the cockpit
would've been a better one.

Oh, good luck, my friend.

We're all betting
you're out on good behavior,

so be nice, but don't be bitch!

May I?

Where's your wife?

Ah, I got her a ticket back to Vegas.

She wanted to come to L. A.
to work things out.

My instinct was to say no, but, um...

You overthought it?

- Yes, I did.
- Mm.

So, where do you suppose
this leaves me and you?

I don't know.

Okay.

I'll have to think about it.

And I would say don't overthink it,

'cause I kind of like
your impulsiveness.

I kind of like your NPR tote bag.

Aw, that's so sad.

I really thought they were gonna
end up in another bathroom.

What the hell?

Yeah, I've got a black light

and a little dance floor
in my apartment.

Bye, guys.

Is that my sock?

Alan!

Give me back my sock!

Alan!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH.
Resynced and corrected by H@w-to-kiLL.