Original subtitles

Chuckling I love you

Of course Betty. I love you, too

And I know I made you wait a long time

Yeah, a long

Well tonight that all ends do you mean?

Chuck

Tonight is the night I'm going to give myself to you

I'm ready to take things to the next level

Are you sure we're gonna do it? Yeah?

All right

They tied me you're walking so

I bought ads

Yeah

But

Now that my virginity is behind us, I think I'm ready to take things to the next level

What do you mean I thought we just did

Come on Joe don't be coy. You know what I mean you know

Seriously

Yeah, I love you chuck, and I know you love me

Wow I

know

that fucking rule

but but what

well

It's just now that the ass. Axe is in the bag. I think we're ready to take things to the next level

The level is there

I rush things

Same shake is the night before you crazy. I can have the same chick coming around two nights in a row

Ordering on a relationship with this. I like to play the field. Let's see this is exactly what I don't understand

How does he do it? I mean he just goes out and gets it done, man. That's how he does it?

I mean you can't sit around wait for Santa to bring you some ass under the tree dude. How psyched you for first period

Mr.. Matthew sex ed class man the teacher total freak can't wait to go in there and talk about all the apps. We've slammed

It's gonna be awesome, bro

No doubt bro. I

Can't take this class why not

Why not? Did you not just hear that conversation? Yeah weird is how much ass we've slam Debra?

Exactly lonely the class is just gonna be with a bunch of pervs. Who are open about their sex life and frankly

I don't know. What's that not bad looking

Ninja legs work, and I'm not gonna have sex with just anybody because I know that's what you two are thinking right now. Sorry

Hey Betty

Okay, we got a lot to do a little time to cover it I can feel the sexuality brewing in here already

What do you mean oh no, you've been trying to tap that since the fifth grade, this is an opportunity

You're in a class with her go talk to her, huh?

What would I say listen all a girl wants is for you to be yourself so do that yourself or just?

Shake your dick at her. You know whatever feels right?

Hey Stacy it looks like we're gonna be having sex together

Edie class sex ed class together, I'm sorry

Yeah

My name is mr.. Matthews

First off. There's no teachers in here just a bunch of people exploring their sexuality

Right so once you enter through that door you're coming through a no-bullshit zone. That's right. I said bullshit uh

We're keepin it real in here people now listen up

Teen sexuality is a living breathing thing and we're gonna explore that concept from every different angle

We can get our greasy little hands on and you're gonna share. I'm gonna share right now hell

I've had sex with koi fish there. I said it

Sometimes you find me make it down the bottom of a fun ball pool at your local fast food restaurants true story

okay, let's do a little role-playing exercise in here I

Want each and every one of you to decide that you're gonna have sex with someone for the very first time

Okay partner up people Stacey needs a partner seize the day, bro. Yeah screw the day seize the booty

That's a good union there. I like that I saw that when I came in

Mr.. Matthews yes, I don't think there's any girls left

Like human sexuality isn't always between man and woman stand up Doug

Class I'd like to introduce you to our first gay couple Mike and Doug

Just because they'll be experimenting with man-on-man lovemaking and a assorted homo buggery don't treat them any differently

Mike I think you're gonna be on bottom, okay

I'll be the stay-at-home dad

So Matt what advice do you have for young people about sex advice?

Guys be responsible you know always

wear a rubber

Of course it feels way better to do it with that one

Unless of course it's a Vietnamese Hooker

And I think you just take your chances as long as there's the naked chick somewhere in the room

You are not gay. If you have an STD do not tell your partner. It is a lose-lose situation

Fellas be nice to your partner in the morning if she needs a ride home

Point her to the nearest bus stop before you go back to sleep

Be a good guy

Today one out of three young adults has a sexually transmitted disease

And letting the former hookup know that you got genital cooties can be pretty hard

Now there's an easier way

At STD e cards you can share the bad news with one click

Pick from such messages as you gave me your heart. I gave you, gonorrhea or

Thanks for the blowjob. Sorry about the herpes

It's from Kevin

You hooked up with this weekend. Yeah, what to say?

Roses are red violets are blue. I gave you syphilis when we screwed at the zoo

That was easy STD e cards, we're bad news travels fast

Hi Karla oh

Hey

Hey listen, um I know it's kind of last-minute

But um. I want to know if you maybe want to go to the prom with me tonight. Oh

I'm sorry Justin someone already asked me three weeks ago

Okay, that's sorry. I have fun, though

Using these since the Eisenhower administration can I help you?

She's a real beaut isn't she

Right I

Wish we'd met years ago so much

The one thing I can't that's all much love

I always want to celebrate candy, too

Justin I haven't seen you around much lately

I'm busy

Well problem wasn't the same without you

Really, yeah, I was wondering if we could go out sometime me and you dinner maybe Saturday night

And just when I thought the night could not get any worse

He pukes all over. My dress was a horrible

She's still beautiful, huh?

Thanks

I didn't I had vomit all over me so

What no that's ridiculous, I'm gonna play poker with some of the guys don't worry, I'm right

Hello

Hello

Who is this

Anyone there

Look don't be a pussy. Just tell me who it is

Stop calling me another prank cop

I

Know what you're up to and it's gotta stop leave Karla alone, it's over. Did you stir?

Where were you this morning, I think you're gonna watch me practice oh

Sorry, I forgot

Why are you coming to my game on Friday night? Actually? I'm going to lens party with Stacy

You know what there's someone else who actually cares about me goodbye Carla

So what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done in bed

The two of us licked whipped cream off each other once

That was pretty what about you? I don't know

Little Shawn what my parents are watching

Does they have to be the kinkiest thing done together no it could have been on your own Wow

One time I had sex with this black guy while his best friend

Did me in the ass and then I stuck to both their dicks at the same time?

That's great

We shoot we cram it all in that's what she said yeah, you guys know what I'm talking about that's the next station

All right, we're all good in a circle. This is great. Okay?

Let's talk about

penises, that's

right everyone I

Said the big P word okay, now the most common question what's normal?

Simple answer there's no such thing penises come in a variety of different shapes and sizes

As you can tell from the molds cast from actual penises we have here

Got them all different from all over the globe now the next one. We'd like to call the fireplug

It's short and stocky, but boy when you get it excited

Like a sawed-off shotgun, I tell ya

This one's called the tadpole. Why is it called the tadpole? It's it's got a larger head tapering down into a smaller shaft

we like to call this guy the

mushroom cloud

Now this is an interesting one looks small, but you know how to use it they tell you it's a quite a powerful weapon

It's called the the torpedo, man. You know what I mean with a meat cone?

It's got a tiny head tapering into a large shaft nice

And that guy around that's a good one we like to call that one the roto-rooter next we have what's called

The super-huge that's right

We also like to call this the great American challenge ladies. You're gonna. Love the cervix stimulation on that guy

Okay this next one's interesting all right. I found this one online

It's the doubleheader ladies and gentlemen it is out there believe me and that around okay everyone pass them around

Look, I'm up and down now breathe

Okay

Gentlemen the penis is in your hands that is your penis

Ladies put your penises down and partner up with the person closest to you

It looks like we got a small one huh yeah

Okay, now. I'm gonna hand out some condoms for each group there. You go everyone get a condom now ladies and gentlemen

I'm gonna have you put the condom on the man's penis together

Okay the reason I'm having you put these condoms on together is because contraception is both partners responsibility

Micah looks like you got a little room there. That's because Mike you have a very small penis

Okay everyone let's talk about fetishes

Now a fetish is

Basically an obsession with leather black leather and bits mouth bits who likes a ball in their mouth

Wait no would be even hotter what

This you want me to wear a hat oh yeah, baby that shit is so hot okay, yeah

Wait you don't else would be so smoking what?

This big mole what it's hot trust me for me fine

Now can we do it

Boy what the hell what I didn't want to say this but you clearly want to have sex with Abraham Lincoln, that's crazy

Is it look around you Ronnie you're obsessed with him. He was a great man. What's wrong with paying tribute

Paying tribute is one thing trying to turn your girlfriend into him so you can get a hard-on is another

I'm out of here. Call me when you get some therapy

So

That's my last beard

Into the past

Ladies you do not I repeat you do not have to have sex with a guy for him to like you

But it helps

Want to remain a virgin until you're married to words, but?

Sex look if you like to be choked it's okay everyone likes a little just don't go too far

Blue is a warning sign

So what's the kinkiest thing either one of you has ever done in bed?

I'm at the club one night

And I meet this little white chick right so next to no I get in the air, man

And she lets me take her back to my spot, and she did me and him at the same time

Big O 12-pound pussy, maybe we should go there from there was a lot of acrobatics in that motherfucker

You know you know what she was small, but she did a lot of big things, baby. Hey Kim

Women spend most of their time stretching their breasts adding a new ring, Oh each year, they'd probably like it money when I stretch

It's Saturday night you guys are getting stiff. He's watching PBS. You're pathetic John rrj whatever not

stupid

He's right. You know. I mean, this is pathetic. What else are we gonna?

Do sorry we can actually get laid just watch this no less be coming with the way to build an artificial woman from your computer

Then program her to have sex with this

Like really

I guess that means you don't they don't have to mean I come give mama taste of that sweet chocolate

Humidor and I don't know

Come out come out wherever you are

This time you're

Barry Leon

Press ENTER now

I

Know you're probably too young to be thinking about marriage

But take it from me if you find somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with there's nothing better

Thanks, sweetie, but before you get married

Make sure you explore your options dyes and bone as many chicks as you can

Well ladies be sure you take the long way doing dick Todd - I

begged at least 50 guys before I met this asshole sitting next to me here I

had a group of girls - it was no accident that I invited the

electrician and a plumber on the same day

Guys listen up if you're planning on having a threesome you better do it before you get married

But trust me there's no better

sensation

Then - we were making out while riding your Johnson

I almost forgot booked yourself a ticket - I sleeping with your fiance's best man

And his brother

Interception very hard

Great

Oh

Can you pass the mashed potatoes, please sure man, thank you

Everything is delicious dear

Did you pick up your condoms for the poem yeah, they gave mouth for free. It's cool

Honey is your vagina ringing

Sounded like him

Okay, we've learned a lot here class dismissed

I'll see you all tomorrow now remember your permission slip for the field trip

Listen stays down. Why can I talk to you for a second?

Later yes

So Mike how are things going with you and Stacey oh?

Great you know we're really good friends. We've hey

Don't bullshit a bullshitter, bro. I know you're into Stacey you want to know rap about it

Yeah, I mean, I like Stacey a lot, I mean, what do I do how do I?

Tell her how I feel. That's a good question you don't I?

Don't know

You see Mike a girl like Stacey is way out of your league yeah

What do you mean?

I mean, I thought you were all about breaking the rules and there are no rules and we're all equal

I am just not when it comes to you and Stacey you see Mike a

Girl like Stacey to get her boy

You need like a truckload of cough syrup and a vat of malt liquor

Really mellow or out you know what I mean, but not knock her out. That's a whole different class altogether

What Mike you need to go after something more attainable? You need to find somebody who's a lot less?

pretty sure

You might have to go up a few weight classes a little more than you're uncomfortable with probably buck fifty two bills

I'm not sure somebody hasn't seen the light of day in quite a long time acne scars fangs for teeth

Bad hygiene retarded if you will but hey

Sometimes keeping it real hurts little bro, but in the end we're all stronger people

Now go out there and get an ugly chick or a whore good luck

Good talk

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Go to pussy Troy calm come on guys like a pussy trap

Relax everybody farts, this is huge across the far barrier really

I

Don't feel comfortable with you

Damn now that's just nasty

I

was like

Totally in 11th grade and I had sex with Carl little it is the Winnebago

Wait I thought I was your first person in December maybe I

Love you

Brad

Brad Taylor

I'm in sweats need love, too

Hey, man, she was riding you like a pogo stick wait for it

Let me introduce you to the screamer Griffon this chick is amazing, which is why I invited her over here today. Yes

We're gonna be right here to make sure you go through with it

That's a little sister's baby monitor hooked up in your room

We don't have the other air right here, so we can listen in no not happening this not happening. No. Yes. No yes

No, there's two things

up too late

Mike

Why don't I just grab some earplugs real quick

No man is it broke

What are you waiting for

I'm sorry. I can't do this

What there's this girl in my high school, and I really like her great? I didn't have a back-up plan now. I've got a

Go fuck a trucker or cab driver or a homeless guy

Would you possibly think that maybe you could go through the back door?

Just so you know you're giving up a sure thing

Your friend said that you were desperate for it

Last chance

Honest I know we did he better not be pushing out. He's definitely pushing out. Let's go see what's going on with the dumbass

Are we back in action

You know I would tell you to go fuck yourself, but it sounds like you just did

Come on what you know I made an abstinence pledge, I promised myself I'd wait until a short was with the right guy I

Thought I was the right guy you might be I'm just not sure

But I like you

Girlfriend don't have that's right. You're not gonna turn

Otherwise that back

At least you should be able to do with this for

But I want you to know that I really do care about you, and I've known that since the first time I saw you and

I'm never gonna get laid I'm such a loser

I'm gonna go to a chat room. Did you know I mean, I met her in teamloli voice look you're I'm team and I'm lonely

Anyways, it's really there's not a lot of girls in that chat room. It's mostly older guys

They interested in photography see that's kind of creepy

It is at first, but you know

Once I made it clear that I was at emo in the market for a teen girl

Ladies we're just coming out of the Woodworks, and now I have a girlfriend her name is Randy isn't that a guy's name

it's both I

I mean she says she's a little time

She send you a picture no

But I sent her tons of mine both of them are naked. It's awesome

Well, maybe I'll give it a try and they maybe if you're lucky someday. You'll have a rainy just like me

Sweetiepie except

Sex chat

Sure

Okay, I'm Justin a tight mini dress walking down a dark alley. I'm completely alone and vulnerable

Then you appear out of the shadows you wear all black a ski mask over your head

You approach me menacingly and say

Hey, what's up?

Was that wrong

menacing okay

What are you doing in my alley? Oh? No you stay away from me lost

Alone and half naked, but I have mace don't try and take it manage of me

Okay, sorry no problem. Do you need cab money?

Be aggressive. I want it

Ah-ha-ho weird I'm afraid. I don't care about nice prepare to be attacked

sexually

That was amazing we should meet

Come to 49 Covington Avenue apartment 8 tomorrow night at 10:00 wear a mask take me against my will

Don't break character. Oh

Hello dear oh hey Jane doing anything special tonight, nope just baking cookies for my niece

Did somebody order the rape

You can run, but you can't hide from forced sexual intercourse

Well yo be careful you're gonna hurt me I mean you you won't be so feisty when I'm when I'm violating you sexually

Did somebody order the rape

But oh

Hey Betty. How's it going tom? Oh? It's just been kind of a crazy week. It's a long story

You know fed. I've been thinking. We've been friends for a really long time. Yeah

Maybe it's time we take things to the next level next level

Hey, baby, this is for you, I love you. You're the only one for me. I hope

I'm

In your mouth, babe

Just like blueberry Oh

God

Hi

He look like he just suggests

I

Had a really bad dream

Okay, I'm here

I had an amazing son

I'm sorry give a toilet. Oh yeah, it's right over there

Who the hell are you why don't you ask your dick, what is going on here relax Len

Jenny mattress Dutch diarrhea

I'll air that out

All right what I need right now is for you to leave my house my parents are coming home this afternoon

And I need to start cleaning up those weren't your parents we met last night. My parents are in Cancun yeah Yeah, right?

If you say your parents aren't here then we'll just believe that your parents weren't here

Maybe it was your aunt and uncle I don't care

I came here to fuck and get fucked and you know I could fuck the last night fucked good

Okay, very funny the UH the jokes over this has been a delightful little prank that you guys are played on me

But now it's time for you to respect my wishes and please get the hell out of my house

Yeah

You're right the whole thing was a prank after we invited you for a threesome

I got blueberry yogurt, and I smeared it all over my face and your boss

Yeah, all a joke please just get the hell out

Fine whatever

Please just just leave

Maybe

Swear just just

Hello so you guys are home early

Did you just get in

How was your second honeymoon

Get the hell out of our sight

Okay

Just a minute

What do you been doing a little spackling working the ceiling oh

God dad no this. It's not your mother, and I discussed it with you limb well

Look at her

You don't understand son. I have one question for you, and I'm only gonna ask it once

Have you been sneaking behind our backs and being on a hidden-camera show

What look over there?

Wait wait wait, so I didn't fuck you and you didn't fuck me fuck

Definitely my boyfriend's head he's amazing

I

have to say

your boyfriend Ted also

When did you sleep with Ted?

Yeah, I have to say Ted for me to

Say when Charlotte and I both separatin yeah, that was a great night. I'd say Ted, too

Fellas personal advice from me to you get in there and shave that shit up

Visually it will give yourself an extra two three inches alcohol and sex don't mix

cocaine and sex

If you don't have a rubber don't panic whatever you do watch this right Halla. Sec, babe. Let me grab my Jimmy hat

And then pantomime, oh, it's so small the rubber

And then you lock and load she'll never know

I mean, I'm a kitchen insider you

Know what it can wait amen faking orgasms lately what?

Are you okay

Yeah

Why is that guys are tall?

great, yeah, yeah, okay, just

Try go clean up before you

See you outside, okay?

Guys got can someone help me get off the bus hello

Hello there you are everybody's waiting for you

Great job girls Nancy nice looking very good sucking -

Okay, he's here

It's about time listen. I know it's your first day, but you got some stuff to shoot all right

listen

The way I view this film, it's a spiritual successor to rebel without a cause only with a lot more fucking

Right yes, I think there's been a really looking forward to working with you

Jackie and I are especially curious. How you got the name of Jay gun dope cock oh

I can't wait to wrap my hands around the biggest penis in the biz

Penis I haven't heard that word for a long time. I usually just call it dinner mm-hmm. Okay, everybody on set

Told you they wouldn't have any beard oh, man, how was I supposed to know oh?

Man sweet car you just help these girls fix their car and still repay you you get to bang?

Nancy right here she's gonna start by blowing it then you're gonna do some backdoor stuff to jacking bro check this out after that

Just feel free to improvise

All right

Hey, you're gonna need a fluffer

All right, let's see that Jack condo cock

Actually, thank you so much for fixing your call how can we ever repay you?

Cut hey sorry I'm late, I'm jogging the cock

Yeah, I'm not jug under cock I'm just a small-town hick

an 18 year old virgin

With a super tiny dick

Kid I've seen this once before a boy who wished he was Angley

Found he could frame a shot, that's right that little boy was me

It wasn't my first choice

We're jocks Adelie incidentally making

Making boy, not me I do it cuz I fucking like

We don't want you to get it screwed, let us be

Hurry I won't stay wet

Yeah

Wow thanks for being so cool about everything

I feel like I should tell you though. I don't really think this is the life for me

You got balls kid

Very large balls you show that kind of confidence in real life. You're gonna be fun just fine

All right, let's reset back to one

Dude what happened in there after we laughs Kenny all those chicks

Stacy

I'm not sexually experienced, and I'm not some famous porn star named jogando Kaka

I'm just some regular kid who just wants to ask out a very

Very beautiful girl

Don't cloth has ten

Fellas you gotta be respectful of your ladies whatever you do don't go around your boys telling them all the gruesome details

But me on the other hand I'm married with two kids

I like all dirty stuff this website will go directly to me and only me send me all pictures

Streaming videos letters as bizarre as you want. I'll read them all and masturbate all night. Thank you. I'm Matthew Lillard

Ladies you do not I repeat you do not need to have sex with a guy for him to like you

but it definitely helps in a if that's too much a

blowjob works every time

Fuck I have two daughters this is terrible, okay, right?

All right, let's see that fire hose

All right, let's see that time

Do I interact with blue ball, you're mine. Let me see that long slow wrinkled stick Oh Ronnie

You've got balls kids big large oversized brass balls. What's the fun?

No

Sex is not just a physical commitment

It's an emotional commitment

And if you're not ready to handle that then you should use an escort service on behalf of all hot women everywhere

I'd like to set the record straight, so all you shall owe this reputable man

Who think that by dropping a bunch of money on us? We'll get you laid to begin with

Why do we have to spread our legs after three dates?

That is the grating disrespectful and just plain wrong

Dating is about romance opening the car door for me surprising me with flowers

writing a poem

Letting me suck your cock

Bobby nobody on the sexual just because you're in glee club

Shit

porno titties

Do you think I learnt this accent for my house?

Why the hell do you think I'm going up with you? Here's a head? I can't go down on myself sasquatch

My advice about sex be safe always use protection unless of course. She's a Vietnamese hooker then oh

Wow, didn't I?

Take your chances

So remember the hot woman's credo

Put out or get up

Themselves

Do you think I like going out with you? Hell? No I'd rather be at home

Using my pocket pistol on my doll then wasting three dates trying to get late Mike Jacobs

You have a small cup anyway

Mr.. Matthews

Dig into it well. I'm not afraid to share I exposed myself. I collect pubic hair from previous relationships

Look at me, I'm crazy

Okay

Yeah

Hey, come on partner. Not just a sex ed teacher. Also a dude flush and ball

Somebody who's got special needs blind girls

violently desperate

Criminy a hunchback somebody swinging a bell and their south of France glass

I probably bad skin crooked teeth, hos

Unless you find a way to program an otter

unless

you can make a way to front it jeez

unless we

Find a way to make an artificial woman off your computer

Hey, baby, this is for you

You have to be adventurous when it comes to sex carpe diem seize the moment as long as there's a naked woman somewhere in the

Room it's not gay, and it's definitely not cheating if you do it with the chick that turns out to be a dude

Especially if he/she is really fucking hot

And it's definitely not cheating if the chick turns out to be a dude

Who's really hot with?

Looks like an ass meal

We got ourselves a full meal I hope you brought your appetite we got a big one

Nance I hope you brought your appetite

Got yourself a man-sized meal

Ladies you're gonna get the chance and I hope you both both brought your appetites

Because this one's packing a full meal

Don't be nervous kid go in there knocking bitch

It's okay to choke your partner out, it's okay to be choked out just don't go to the INXS place

This one is called the G snail example or the Napoleon I like to call it because it's mean short and angry

You know a sawed-off shotgun looks like this is what it is or a can of corn?

It's also called the purple mushroom or the lord Vader this was from a botched tranny job, but

Telling you, it's they happen. They're real

Let's pass them all around get a feel for them grab the shaft pick up the balls do the whole nine yards

Kick the tires and check the traps if you know what I mean this one is called the tag for the meat if you will

And if you can't afford an escort service find a crack whore it's useful on a pinch

School

You could find a crack whore and just hit her with a rock

Just get a crack whore

somewhere

No rocks just suck to a dick for a doll

A DS. I think you want to take them a long road to dick tonic -

So again my name is Matthew Lillard, and thank you for spending a little time with me. I hope my advice has helped

My darling the stars they shine for you

My daughter's Twitter for you

My darling my heart skips a beat

Down to this morning sky, I pray and dream that I

Fuck squeeze my tits all big and bouncy then spunk all over my body

I want to be your but hot greasy slut Grisi slut

beg inform all poor I can't get enough can't get

No

When I leave your pool you stop

I won't stop then Oh, No I'll become your

Hello sue

Yeah, I'm in I'm in 1864 let me move to a window

That's better Ronny up are you gonna be okay?

Yeah

The first time I think I am