All language subtitles for WeddingBand-1x01-Pilot(HDTV-AFG,720p-EVOLVE)

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[ harmonica playing ]

Woman: Oui!

Oui!

Merci!

- Oh, I'm late for my gig!
- Oh, merci!

- Merci!
- Wait, wait, wait!

Right. What's the going rate
for a pirate these days?

Oh! Babe, the mermaid people need to know
how you feel about pirates.

Somalian or caribbean?

[ chuckling ] No, the entertainment
for Janie's birthday.

I'm thinking one mermaid,
one pirate ought to do it.

- You read my mind.
- Oh. Okay.

- I love you.
- Love you, too.

- Got to go to my show.
- Rock on, daddy!

Barry: Whoo-hoo!

Who is ready to rock?!

Eddie: Hurry up, Barry.
Let's go, let's go!

[ tires screech ]

[ up-tempo music plays ]

2, 3, 4!

Tommy: * All the girls
stomp your feet like this! *

* few times
I've been around that track *

* so it's not just gonna happen
like that *

* 'cause I ain't
no hollaback girl *

* I ain't no hollaback girl *

* ooh, ooh
It's my shh! *

It's my shh!

* so I'm ready to attack,
gonna lead the pack *

* gonna get a touchdown,
gonna take you out *

* that's right,
put your pom-poms down *

* gettin' everybody fired up *

* few times
I've been around that track *

* so it's not just gonna happen
like that *

* 'cause I ain't
no hollaback girl *

* I ain't no hollaback girl *

- You feeling the love, new guy, huh?
- Definitely... Kind of.

Just breathe it in, 'cause nothing beats
seattle's wedding scene.

I think this is gonna be
our best month yet.

I've already got us booked for
four weddings and a bar mitzvah.

Yeah, we got to brush up on that
"Hava nagila" and get it real tight.

Oh, and my guy's hooking us up
with 2,000 condoms.

- I'm gonna use them all.
- "Hava nagila"?

I mean, 2,000 condoms.

Are you guys a wedding band
or a kosher rave?

Listen to this, dude. Pace yourself
during the week, all right,

Because people expect us to bring
our "a" game to these things.

I already told my secretary...

No meetings Friday afternoon,
none before lunch on Monday.

Tommy: Stevie, I know
this is your first wedding,

But I'm telling you these things
are really addictive.

- Really?
- They are.

Now is probably a good time to
catch him up on a few trade secrets.

- Yeah.
- The golden rule...

It's our job, as the wedding band, to make
sure that this is the big day for everyone.

- Come on. Seriously?
- Look.

Even, uh, 2 tons of fun
over there?

Hey!

Especially her.
Come on. She's a V.I.P.

Want to show
a little sensitivity?

Thought you would like that...
That's not a joke you...

You're not supposed to talk about
a woman's weight like that.

My money says
she's a cousin of the bride.

Probably just flew in
just for the bouquet toss.

Tommy: It's our job to make sure
she shoestring catches that bouquet.

Oh!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Wow!

Golden rule.

Yeah, yeah,
I got it.

Eddie: Next...There's alwayscone guy at
the wedding who's just not gonna hook up.

82% of the time,
his name is Derek.

Come Monday, Derek needs a story
to tell the office.

- Stevie: Ah, and we give him one, right?
- Exactly.

It's also our way around the
"no booze for the band" policy.

The key is to wait for his windsor knot
to drop down to the second button.

Then we make him
"honorary band member."

He'll slip us drinks all night.

Whoo!

Oh, hey.
Here - grab that.

The songs on that list, we have
to play at every wedding.

- "I will survive."
- "I will survive."

- Yeah, that's one of them.
- Hells no.

I won't survive if I have to
play Gloria Gaynor every weekend.

That shit will lower
your sperm count, son.

You know what? I thought the same
thing the first 50 times we played it,

but, honestly, I found the true healing
power of that song.

[ twangy voice ] * At first, I was afraid,
and I was petrified *

* kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side *

Tommy: That song is an anthem for every
woman who's ever had her heart broken.

Inside tip... look for the one
who's singing the loudest.

* and I learned
how to carry on *

* oh, no, not I *

* I will survive *

* as long as I know how to love,
I know I'll stay alive *

* I've got all my life
to live *

* I've got all my love
to give *

* and I'll survive *

* I will survive *

* hey, hey *

I have the toughest job,

'cause I bring arena-rock
spectacle to black-tie events.

U2 doesn't do that.
Unh-unh.

They bring arena rock to arenas.
That's for pussies.

Hey!

Hey!

Whoo!
[ "Hava nagila" plays ]

[ motor whirs ]

Today, you're a man!

[ "Hate to say I told you so"
plays ]

* Do what I want 'cause I can *

* and if I don't,
because I wanna *

* be ignored
by the stiff and the bored *

* because I'm gonna *

* Hate to say I told you so *

* I do believe I told you so *

* now it's all out
and you know *

* 'cause I wanted to *

Whoo-hoo!

[ finale plays ]

[ laughing ]

Yeah!

Derek: What a night!

- I'm so glad you could be there, buddy.
- Eddie: Here's your hotel, dude.

Derek, you're the man.
We loved your drinks.

- That was the best night of my life!
- Shut the door, Derek.

Can I get one more photo, please?

Can't. I promised my wife
I'd be home in 20 minutes.

I just need one more to show the
other I.T. guys on Monday. Please.

Is he crying?

[ bagpipes playing ]

Big smiles, guys! Come on!
[ camera shutter clicking ]

- Good. You're great, man.
- Oh! Are you kidding me?

[ sighs ]
I hate these guys.

[ rock music plays ]

Phil: [ british accent ]
Oh, look at this.

Brilliant tour bus,
you wankers.

I fancy the decal of Barry in a skirt.

Right? Is that what it is?
It's a little dainty.

Phil, are you serious
with the accent?

We all went
to high school together.

And look who's winning
battle of the bands right now.

- Ask where we been playin'!
- Where have you been playing?

We've been playing the Ichiro wedding
up in the space needle.

- Where have you been?
- These guys killed at the holiday inn.

- Hey, Derek...
- At the holiday inn.

- You're not in our band.
- You got no gimmick.

That's what it is, right?
I look at you... I think to myself,

"how would I book that?"

This is why you'll never work
With a major, like Rutherford events.

It won't happen.
You're not talented.

It's like
mixing oil and morons.

I have not seen a dick that big
since Tommy Tutone.

Tommy: Guys, guys,
are we serious?

Are we really just gonna stand here while
these mock stars speak to us this way?

- No, Barry, we will not.
- Tommy, Tommy...

Band fight? This is not the way
we get on Rutherford's radar.

No. Let's just walk.
Come on, guys, let's go.

Oh, Eddie, Eddie!

If your wife fancies
shagging a real guitarist,

she should pour some sugar
on this ax right here.

[ laughter ]

Did he just grab
that man's penis?

- Yes, he did.
- While your wife was...

She was mentioned.

Gunter?

You bet
your sweet glieben.

[ heavy-metal music plays ]

That's Rock 'n' roll, Baby!

Whoa!
[ sirens wail ]

- Drop the wig!
- Drop the accent.

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ siren chirps ]

I think it's time
we had that conversation.

Which one?

Where it's my turn to be
responsible for birth control?

[ scoffs ]
Ah!

The one where you're
responsible, period.

Okay.
Why are we whispering?

Oh, 'cause it's a little hard
finding a sitter at 2:00 in the morning

so you can go bail out
your husband's band.

Maybe we should have all of
our fights when the kids are asleep.

Tommy: Hello, Seattle!

Stockholm! Tokyo!

You crazy cats
from the Winnipeg Rotary Club.

Don't start any trouble, because
I will separate you guys.

Over the next few hours,
you all will be schooled

in the lore
of the Seattle music scene.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this beautiful spot right here

is where Kurt and Courtney
first met.

Back there, end of the alley,
right next to the homeless gentleman,

first make-up sex.

Lot happened.

Any questions?

Why haven't you returned
my texts?

Sara.

Sara: I can't believe this is the same place
you took me to go see bands play.

[ chuckles ]

You...

look different.

Yeah.

For some reason, lawyers don't
take you as seriously with...

purple hair.

Yeah. That's hair.
Hair is it.

Look, Tommy,
this is gonna sound desperate,

but my clock is ticking,
and it would mean so much...

That...
Okay, listen, Sara,

I think...
you need to...wait.

You know? Take your time.
I think women panic.

You know, I knew this one girl
who blogged about her clock.

And then it got so bad
that her eggs friended me.

Same old Tommy.

- Yeah.
- Hey, listen, I ran into Carly, and...

She mentioned
you guys played her wedding.

We do tons of weddings.
They're great.

- They're way more fun than clubs.
- Really?

Seriously.
Always a packed house.

Everybody knows
all the words to the songs.

Well, that's why I've been trying to
get in touch with you.

I'm getting married.

[ japanese accent ] Ehen do we see
stone temple pirates landmark?

Uh, stone temple
pi... pir...pilots

are actually from Orange County.
Or San Diego. It's kind of...

Just give me...
I'll... I'll...

Married.
That is really...

Wow. There it is.
That is really a sparkler.

Gow! Good for you.

Good for...
that is...

Man, that is big.

So, I was hoping
that you'd play my wedding.

Hmm.

You don't think
that would be awkward?

No, I'm...
I'm completely over you.

Totally.

Come on, Tommy,
I'm begging you.

My wedding planner's gonna make me go
with this cheesy Def Leppard tribute band.

- Ohhh. Armageddon it?
- Yeah.

Who's your...
who's your wedding planner?

Rutherford events.

Rutherford events.

Have you heard of them?

I've heard of them.

Yeah,
we'll play your wedding.

- Can you say thank you Heather?
- Thank you, Heather.

- Oh, hey, Eddie!
- Todd.

Just opened
the green dolphins e-mail.

We're in
the same class.

- Our daughters are. Not us.
- Oh.

Ingrid and I
are having second thoughts.

I mean, tuition that high, they should
know what color dolphins are, right?

Color's inconsequential...

- Hold that thought. Hold that thought.
- Kids...Dig green.

Eddie: Stevie.

Dude,
who's the tucker?

Uh, that would be Todd.

He coaches, he cleans.

Basically, he's every dad's
worst nightmare.

In the great green room,

there was a telephone
and a dead keith moon

And a picture of townshend
jumping over the moon.

Hey! Beer. Want one?

That's probably not a great idea
for a kids party.

No, it's pirate beer. It'll go
with the theme of everything.

- Maybe just not with the juice boxes.
- Hey! How are you?

Sugar makes the kids
hyper enough.

I took my time picking this one
out. She's gonna love it.

It is totally
age-appropriate.

Oh.

Unlike the wrapping paper,
which is for ages 18 and up.

Always good to see you, Tommy.

Thank you
for the nudity.

We need to have
an emergency band meeting.

Now.
Where's Barry?

[ toy squeaks ]
Gross.

What kind of responsible adult turns his
band's rehearsal space into a kids playroom?

You know what, Barry?
We're thinking about redoing the kitchen.

- Do I have to run that by you, too?
- Can we table the sibling spat, please?

We're already sitting
on little mushroom stools.

- Truce.
- Truce.

So, I have
really good news.

I had scones with Sara.

. That's awful.
- That's awesome.

Who's Sara?

Only the Yoko
who almost broke up the band.

You think that every girl that I date is gonna
break up the band.

Yeah, that's 'cause you only
date band-breaker-uppers.

That's not entirely true,
and that's not even really a word.

- You did write two songs about her.
- I wrote eight songs about drinking.

Yeah, but none of them
was a ballad.

Ballads... rock's equivalent
to the 2:00 a.m. drunk-dial.

- No. No, it's not.
- Like, "I'm calling you with open arms."

You're not calling me
with open arms.

So, she's getting married,
and she wants us to play her wedding.

Yeah, don't you think
that'd be kind of...

- I don't know... awkward?
- Yeah.

No. Why?
Why would that be awkward?

I don't know. Because she's the only girl who
ever broke up with you.

Okay, that's not true. That's...
she didn't break up with...

- Yeah, she did.
- I wanted her to think that that was the case,

but if I would have told her
why I was breaking up with her,

it would have given her
a complex, and that's not okay.

Hey, you don't give somebody a complex
because they have cross-eyed nipples.

- The devil's breasts.
- How cross-eyed are they?

Like, Stuart Scott cross-eyed
or, like, Lucy Liu cross-eyed?

Which is
kind of attractive.

[ sighs ]

Rutherford events is
planning her wedding, okay?

That's the great news.

Do you know how huge
this could be for us?

Literally, we can make
more money Saturday

than we did the entire month
of June in one day.

No, no. Next Saturday?
See, I can't do it.

- I promised Ingrid I'd book her a spa day.
- No, Eddie.

No. And the first rule of spa day is you do
not move spa day.

If we impress Rutherford,
we're in a whole new league, man.

Red roof inn...
we're not playing there anymore.

Five-star
from this point forward, eddie.

Yeah, sure,
while we're all selling out,

why don't we lease some priuses
and have betty white join our supergroup?

- Please tell him to sit down.
- No! I can't.

We are
an indie wedding band.

Rutherford will put us
into a box,

- slap some barcode on our asses...
- Okay.

Boop! Boop!

Okay, then I will tell Sara

that she can go
with her second choice...

Armageddon it.

Well,
that's a game-changer.

Okay. But if we do this,
we go all-in.

I'm gonna drum in a gerbil ball
that floats over the audience,

and Stevie here,
put you in a Jamiroquai hat,

have you dance
the robot.

Hey, man, I'm not wearing
no Jamiroquai hat, man. Come on.

- You don't have to wear a Jamiroquai hat.
- Don't listen to him.

Eddie?
Eddie.

- Huh?
- Come on.

Man up.
Move spa day.

It would help
pay for green dolphins.

- Don't know what that means.
- Again, man up.

Bro.

[ smacks lips ]

You know what?

I think I will have
one of those beers.

Yeah!
Yeah, you will!

There he is!
There he is!

I'll just put it in this juice box so
Ingrid doesn't get wise.

The next two weeks
is total gridlock.

Bill Gates wants
an island-themed birthday party,

so now I got to find a way
to ship in sand from Fiji.

That'll be a blast
to get through customs.

There's two weddings,
a father/son bris,

and doctors are giving us
a 50/50 chance

the Mansfield funeral
is also on Saturday.

[ chuckles ]

I'll keep my fingers crossed?

That's why I'm giving you
the Sara Jablonsky wedding.

This is your baby.

Wait. It really is?

Because last month, you told me
you were giving me a promotion,

- and then it didn't really...
- I'm empowering you, Rachel.

This is
your time to shine.

The best thing I can do
is just step out of the way.

Roxie, that means the world
to me that you believe in me.

You have no idea, really.
Thank you.

You know,
when I look at you, Rachel,

it's almost like I'm looking
at myself in the mirror.

Oh.

Only I don't like
the necklace I'm wearing.

Um...Well,
hey, I have, uh,

My first update
as full-fledged wedding planner.

Oh.

Sara called me this morning,
and she's chosen a band,

but it's not, um...
Armageddon it.

Her loss, your baby.
Empowerment.

It's just that, uh, Sara's going
a little bit farther off the grid than I thought,

so I just wanted to show this
to you and see what you think.

* I ain't no hollaback girl *

* few times
I been around that track *

Lead singer's
kind of cute...

In that gas-station
bathroom-stall hookup

- Kind of way.
- That's actually sara's, um, ex-boyfriend.

I'm not gonna step in.

This one is all yours.

Actually, I am.

I know lead singers.
I have been in their minds.

[ chuckles ]

And it is not up here.

I know. Sorry.
45 minutes late.

No, that's cool.
Set my over/under at an hour,

so you're about
15 minutes early.

You're still doing
the over/under thing, huh?

- Eddie. Hi.
- Sara.

- Matthew: Oh! It's the band!
- Stevie: Hey.

I'm Matthew.
This is my fianc�.

And probably
your band's biggest fan.

My favorite track...
"Love pi�ata."

Oh, cool.
You played him our ballad.

That is one great song
to make love to.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Hey, everybody. I am Rachel,
the wedding planner.

- Hey, Rachel.
- Hey.

What do you guys say
we go ahead

and move this meeting
on down to chinatown?

I'm confused.
I thought the meeting was here.

- Parking was like 7 bucks.
- No, it's here. It's here.

I was just calling
the conference room chinatown.

If you guys want to just follow
me to the conference room...

Be nice.

What do you mean,
"be nice"?

- What did I do?
- Why are you doing that to her?

[ cellphone rings ]

- Come on.
- Hold on.

[ cellphone beeps ]

- Hello?
- Roxie: Oh, I am so onto you.

You have got a textbook case
of lead-singer syndrome.

Cool.

Um...Who is this?

Always onstage, never get enough
of the spotlight.

You're standing under a halogen
right now.

How did you...
who...?

Is this Rutherford?
Are you watching?

Where are you?

I'm everywhere.

You screw up this wedding and I will cut off
your balls and wear them as earrings.

Well,
that's kind of a bad idea.

One might hang lower
than the...Other one.

So, as a band,
you are doing way more

than playing music
at this wedding.

You are also in charge
of being the emcees.

- Now, as the emc...
- Ah! I'm so sorry.

I had no idea that you already started.
Hey.

Well, you know what?
You just continue right along.

I will sit down right here and you won't
even know I'm here. You just continue on.

Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, now, as the emcees,
it's your job

to make sure that the night
runs really smoothly,

so I went ahead and made this
run sheet for you to follow,

and you just need to follow it
like the bible.

Or like the koran, because
we're very tolerant here.

We also do
african-american weddings.

That's...
That's good.

I'm sure the insurance premiums
are much higher.

We don't mind.

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god.

So... I just lost my place again.
Where were we?

- Bible.
- Bible.

Or koran.
[ chuckles ]

Which is perfect,
because if there's anything

that we preach here
at Rutherford events,

it's that the perfect wedding
has no surprises.

Raging party.
No surprises.

Good times.

Hey, guitar pit, maybe
you should lose the name tag

before you beat those skins
on saturday.

[ clicks tongue ]

Finally, the band set list.

for the first dance, the bride
and groom have requested, uh...

"Making love
out of nothing at all."

W- what?

- What?
- Roxie: Really good choice.

Tommy, it's the one
that is like...

- * making love... *
- No, no, it doesn't go like that.

I know the song.
It goes...

* making lo-o-o-o-o-ve
out of nothing at all *

- Well, I said it...
- * at a-a-a-ll *

* at all *

I know...
that's... beautiful.

- What?
- Do you have a problem with that, Tommy?

No. No problem.
Right?

No. It's just... it's an
interesting choice. That's all.

It's our song.
Isn't it, honey?

- Matthew: Yes, it is.
- It's your song.

Tommy:
You sure this is the place?

This is it.

Hey, if, uh, Stevie's studio
is lame-o

And we want to bail,
code word... cowbell.

[ cowbell rings ]

Cowbell.

- What are the odds of that?
- What up, fellas?

Stevie: Come on in.
Make yourself at home.

This is ridonk!

[ laughs ]

Are you kidding me?

Stevie, you said you played on
a few albums, but this is crazy.

You did not play
with Bon Jovi.

What? A black man
can't be in a hair band?

No, it's just
a little suspect.

Your picture's not on
any of these album covers.

Dude. Life of
a session musician, man.

Nothing against us, but why
would you want to play with us?

You cats don't even know
what you have, do you?

Okay, look. Normally,
I get the call, I go in,

I hit my spot,
and I leave, right?

But all these guys
on these albums,

they all belong
to something special.

Just like the three of you.

I didn't want to miss out
this time.

Yeah, this is way more special
than what we have.

It's kind of amazing.

[ chuckles ]
It's nice, huh?

It really is.
Yeah.

- [ laughs ] You want to go see it?
- Okay.

Come on.

Stevie?

Can I take these for a spin?

* Don't let go *

* You've got the music in you *

* One dance left *

* This world
is gonna pull through *

* Don't give up *

* You've got a reason to live *

* Can't forget *

* You only get what you give *

[ guitar solo ]

[ solo intensifies ]

[ cellphone rings ]

Whoa! Hold on!
I got to...

I got to bolt. I got to meet
ingrid at green dolphins.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

Hey, you better towel off
or she'll know something's up.

Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold on.
You told her about Saturday, right?

Look, look, it's okay.
I have the perfect alibi.

While she's getting
shiatsu'd,

I'm gonna "take the kids"
to see yo gabba gabba!

Already ordered
the concert t-shirts online.

Heists don't take
that much planning.

Hey, before you go,
I need your tux size.

You are gonna e-mail it
to Sara, right?

Uh, no. I'm gonna
meet her and Matthew there.

- Is that okay?
- It's all right?

[ feedback ]

What Eddie is suggesting is that

Sara hit the super lotto with Matthew.

- That is what I'm suggesting.
- So I'm like Dollar Keno? What is...

It's okay! It's okay. Just, permission
to be brutally honest?

No!
'cause this is silly. No.

Yes. Yes, please.
No, no, no, no.

Look, look, you are like
that guy in the romantic comedy

that the girl
just thinks she should be with

but the audience knows
there's just no future.

Wow. That was my best friend telling
me that I'm the dick in the rom-com.

- Yes.
- Barry: Hey, man...

Bigger the dick,
better the front man.

[ laughter ]

Sara: Matthew's sorry
he couldn't be here.

Uh, yeah, first, you want me
to play your wedding,

then you want me
to play our song...

Our song?
Are you kidding me?

You put it on that mix
as a joke.

Were we not making out
when that song came on?

You did a spit take in my mouth.
How is that not our song?

Well, Matthew chose it, okay?

Is there anything else
you want to get off your chest?

Oh, there are a couple things
I can't seem to wrap my hands around.

[ chuckles ]

Oh, boy.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.

If you must know...

they are fake.

But they're real.
They're 100% biodegradable.

All right.

So, when Matthew
goes motorboating,

he's actually saving
the environment, huh?

[ laughs ]

Why don't you ask Matthew's dad?
He did them.

Doesn't seem
a little creepy?

See, Tommy,
this is what I miss.

You don't take anything seriously.

Eh, you didn't... You hated that, though,
when we were together.

When I'm with you, I don't
take anything seriously, either.

You should, you know?

You're, uh,
you're getting married.

I love Matthew.
[ sighs ]

I do.

But there's this electricity
between us, Tommy.

No. No, there's not.

- Sara! You in there?
- Matthew! Hey!

Yeah, we are. Perfect timing.

Sure could use
a second opinion.

You made it!

- Oh, boy.
- Surprise.

All right.

- Ready for our final dance lesson, sweetheart?
- I am.

- Merengue.
- Eh, if you feel it, dance it.

Guess the next time I see you,
I'll be walking down the aisle.

Yeah, you will.

Adios.
[ chuckles ]

[ chuckles ]

Yeah, she will.

[ sighs ]

Emergency numbers are on the fridge.
[ children laughing ]

Dinner's pre-made. Just reheat
45 seconds on high. Okay?

Enjoy your cinnamon facial
and stone massage.

Okay, you guys having fun
and you get it together.

- Is it "go" time, daddy?
- Oh, it's "go" time, sweetie.

[ breathing heavy ]

Tommy:
Finally! Hurry! Let's go!

Let's ridede!

Holy...

Didie: Would you look
at this f'ing place?

Tommy: Promise me we'll never play
at the Tractor Tavern again.

You guys are a hour late.

I'll blame the sitter. We had to
pick her up at the mall.

Sorry.
Yeah.

Sitter. Great. You brought kids
to an all-adult wedding.

- Thank you.
- Why am I carrying a nitrous tank?

We're gonna
top the condom drop.

No. No.
You're not topping anything.

There's no nitrous.
There's no condoms.

You're gonna take the little kids
and the sitter to the toddler center,

and then you are gonna play
some pre-ceremony music.

[ "Fuer Elise" plays ]
Right now!

Oh.
Thank you so much.

Who's ready
to get married?!

You are! We are!

[ "Fuer Elise" continues ]

The bride
wants to see you.

Did you tell her
I'm kind of busy right now?

She's refusing to come down
until you go up there.

Okay.

Keep playing.

Just keep playing.
I'll be right back.

Uh, excuse me.
Selfish d-bag?

Yeah, you.
What do you think you're doing?

Look, when are you gonna realize
your actions affect other people, you f'ing f'er?

Hold...
do me a favor, all right?

If you're gonna chew me out,
stop cursing at me like I'm 4.

Sorry. Daddy v-chip.

Is that honestly what you think I'm up to?
You think I'm being selfish?

I think it's a cock-jerk reaction
to Sara marrying another guy.

- It's a cock-jerk reaction.
- Yeah, that's right... cock-jerk.

Isn't it nice having
a big-boy argument like this?

I'm not gonna let you
break up a wedding

over some girl
you might want to date.

You go up there, you're gonna have to
give Sara a real commitment.

Are you ready to be that family
in the Disney Cruise ad?

You know, go journey
the turquoise caribbean waters.

Go snorkeling
with Mickey and Goofy and Donald

and all your other
favorite characters.

- Are you ready for that?
- Did you just book that trip?

Felt guilty lying to Ingrid,
so we set sail next month.

Uh, I f'ing lied.

Sara broke up with me.

The reality is,
she couldn't handle the fact

that I was more committed
to you and Barry.

More you.

I let her go so I could focus
on us getting signed.

So...there.

We've shared,
and I feel good about this.

Why didn't you
just tell me?

I didn't want you
to feel guilty.

I've always been
kind of a selfish d-bag.

[ "Fuer Elise" continues ]

[ clears throat ]

Is there anything
we should know?

Everything's super.
Keep smiling. Keep playing.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Good. 'cause Rutherford
just got here.

I got to warn Tommy.
Just...stall.

[ grunts ]

I can't get this vest
to stay tucked.

Hey, is that Eddie?

He's not
at yo gabba gabba.

[ camera clicks ]

Barry, what's the longest song
you can think of?

1, 2, 3, 4.

[ "Frankenstein" plays ]

Oh, that feels so good.

[ cellphone beeping ]

- What the...
- Oh!

Oh. Hi. Hey. Hmm.

Two minutes in there, and then
I'm coming in, all right?

And I'm warning you...
no surprises.

- You might want to tell that to Sara.
- Can you...?

Rachel, why isn't the bride
at the altar?

- Hi.
- Everybody's down there. Everyone's ready.

Roxie, you're here.
What are you doing here?

And you look fantastic.

- Thank you.
- Can I just say that?

- And Sara's doing great. She's...
- Okay.

Oh, no,
but she - she's...

She's just requested
to be alone right now.

Super-super-alone.

Ohhhhh.

[ chuckling ] Yeah.

I get it.
She's paddling the pink canoe.

[ chuckles ]

- I'm not familiar with that one.
- Oh, it's a tradition.

Brides do it to calm
those nerves on the big day.

I did it before
all three of my weddings.

Once during.

How dare you send me flowers,
Tommy?! Today?!

I thought
I did a nice thing.

They're... it's purple.
It's your favorite color, right?

"Iris"...
favorite goo goo dolls song.

And what about this?
What are you trying to tell me?

It's a tiny card, Sara.

Didn't think
it'd be so complicated.

"To Sara"... that's you, right?
"you're marrying the right guy.

"I wish you and matthew
a lifetime of happiness.

- Your friend, Tommy."
- You don't mean this.

We just...
we didn't want it to end.

[ sighs ]

Do you hear a man's voice
in there?

Oh, it's probably Sara
talking dirty to herself.

Oh. Yes.

You're the one that got away.
You always were.

But the worst part, Sara,

is that I have to
let you get away again.

What? Wait. What?

I've done
enough of these weddings

to know that what you're hearing right now
is the pitter-patter of cold feet.

I don't have cold feet.
Okay?

I can't be
getting cold feet.

- Sara, hey...
- I'm wearing $800 Louis Vuittons!

You got to trust me.
You got to trust me on this one.

You hit the super lotto
with Matthew.

- I did.
- You really did.

- Didn't I?
- You did.

Do you know one of his favorite hobbies is
making scented candles?

Of course his hobby
is making scented candles.

- Does he put the sun-dried orange slices...
- The little slices.

See? The dude's
out of a Diane Lane movie.

I'm not gonna let you
run away from that guy.

[ both sigh ]

Thank you.

You've grown up.

Champagne.

Couldn't hurt.

Help with the nerves.
[ chuckles ]

[ cork pops ]

Ohh!
[ hissing ]

Oh, my god!

- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.

You popped my breast!

You know,
I highly doubt that.

- Those things are made to be played with.
- It's deflating!

All right, lower the gown.
Lower the gown. I'm going in.

Now is not the time
to cop a feel!

It's purely medical.
I promise.

- The other one.
- I know that.

I needed a reference point,
okay?

[ "Frankenstein" continues ]

This is the biggest mistake
of my life.

I think
you may be overreacting.

My fianc� is outside.

I will get you
through this.

You will go down there,
you will exchange some vows,

do the cute dance
with the niece,

play the moment of suspense
with the cake...

Romantic finger feed or crowd favorite...
cake in the face.

I know I'm dying to find out.

- Oh, gee...
- He popped my implant.

When are men gonna realize
there is a right and a wrong way

to handle
a woman's breasts?

You cannot twist it around
like a balloon animal.

I didn't do this
on purpose.

The champagne cork...
it hit her point-blank.

Oh, my first wedding's
ending up in the E.R. I knew it.

Hey, nobody calls off one of
my weddings until I say so.

Oh, I should have never
hired this band.

Unh!

Oh, geez!

Where's ground zero? Here?
[ groans ]

Okay.

[ sighs ]

It sounds fi...

Ohhhh. Oh, wait.

[ air whistling ]

Yep, yep, there is.
There's a whistle.

[ sighs ]
Oh, no.

This is all my fault.
Sara, I'm gonna make sure

that you have
your dream wedding today.

- She needs a doctor!
- There is one at the altar!

Matthew's dad is the best
boob-repair guy in seattle.

[ "Frankenstein" continues ]

[ sighs ]

We have an emergency.
Can you follow me and laugh

so the guests don't suspect
anything's wrong?

[ both laugh ]

What?

[ door opens ]

What the heck
is going on here?

Sir, it is so nice to meet you.
I'm Sara's ex.

- Ohh! Oh, whoa!
- Eddie: That's my front man!

Aah!

Not the dress!

Ow.

[ sighs ]

I got this.

Look, I don't approve of how this went down,
either, okay?

Tommy can be
a real pain in the ass...

Yeah, I can seconded.

...but he's
my best friend.

And if he says
that they're in love,

- then they belong together.
- We're not in love.

- Nothing happened.
- No.

But I saw your hands
all over her Justin Biebers.

Yeah, that's because
he broke one.

Broke one what?

Broke a Bieber.

Oh, my god.

Dude, do you think they'll
be cross-eyed again, or...?

You think you can plug it?

It's not a tire.

I need to get her back
to my office, run some x-rays.

The way I see it, doc,

We can tell your son that
his wedding has been canceled...

Which means...

People
might ask questions.

What kind of questions, Eddie?

Perhaps one of the good doctor's
clients will want to know

why Sara was rushed off
in an ambulance.

Oh, my god.

If you think BP had a P.R. nightmare
with that spill in the gulf,

imagine how your clients would react

to hearing
that one of your fun bags blew.

Boom.

- Where's sara?
- Um...

I can't take this anymore.
I'm gonna go find out myself.

Oh, no, no! No, no.
It is really, really bad luck

to see the bride
before the wedding.

Well, it's also bad luck when my fianc�e
is 30 minutes late, so I'll go find out.

Uh...

Yuh...

[ "Frankenstein" continues ]

I have to build
a brace.

Like a...
like a boob sling?

Basically, yeah.

Would a g-string work?

I think an e-string
would be better.

Matthew: Sara!
[ pounding on door ] Sara?!

One second, darling!

* all is well, all is...
[ knocking on door ]

- Sara?!
- Pounding will stress her out.

Honey? Honey,
is everything okay in there?

- Sara! S...
- Oh. Sorry. Everything's great.

Oh, my god.
Is that Sara's blood?

Don't be ridiculous.

That's Eddie's...
Eddie's blood.

- Rache. Rachel, Rachel...
- Yes?

Key. Your baby.

Stepping out of the way.

- Can you use the key, please?
- Oh, now? Okay.

[ gasps ]

I'm sorry
I kept you waiting.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

Gorgeous.

Ingrid.

Oh! You look so...
Relaxed.

This whole awkward thing is
exactly why I'm not married.

But you don't have to g-

I just love you.

I just wanted
a day for myself.

- Not a tall order here, Eddie.
- I know. And I'm sorry. It's just...

Really?

I wanted to be the hero.

[ scoffs ]

If we impress this event planner
and she keeps booking us,

we'll be able
to afford green dolphins.

Please.

Stay.

[ scoffs ]

You haven't seen us play
since we had Janie.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ "Making love
out of nothing at all" plays ]

* I know just how to whisper *

* and I know just how to cry *

* I know just where
to find the answers *

* and I know just how to lie *

* I know just how to fake it *

* and I know
just how to scheme *

* I know just when
to face the truth *

* and then I know
just when to dream *

* and I know
just where to touch you *

* and I know
just what to prove *

* I know
when to pull you closer *

* and I know
when to let you loose *

* but I don't know
how to leave you *

* and I'll never let you fall *

* and I don't know
how you do it *

* making lo-o-o-ve *

[ cheers and applause ]

* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing at all *

* lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve *
* making love *

* lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve *
* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing
at all *

* making love *

* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing at all *

* out of nothing
at all *

Whoo! Yeah!

[ guitar solo ]

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

I caught it.

Yeah! Whoo!

[ cheers and applause ]

Yeah!

[ song ends ]

Stevie: Whoo!

Hello.

I'll admit... things looked bleak,
but I feel like we came together

and we dodged a bullet tonight.

I think you mean "cork."

Was that
a spontaneous joke?

[ giggles ]

What happened
to "no surprises"?

I'll have you know, when I'm in my yoga pants
and not in this outfit...

I have quite
the ribald sense of humor.

I think you should go
put on your yoga pants

and we should go somewhere and you
can explain to me what "ribald" means.

Tommy,
I'm getting married.

Really?
Is everybody engaged?

Don't ask me how,
but we lost Stevie.

What do you mean, you lost Stevie?
How do you lose a grown man in a leather tuxedo?

[ cowbell rings ]
Ah.

- Hey!
- Hey!

What's up, man?
What happened to you last night?

We lost you
after the wedding.

- Yeah, nice french exit, canadian.
- Yeah, I checked the videographer footage...

No sign of you
after the third encore.

No, you know, I just caught a ride with someone.
[ woman sneezes ]

- What was that?
- What?

- I heard something.
- I heard a noise, too.

- Yeah, me too.
- Sounded like a person.

- It's nothing.
- What if it's a cougar?

Dude, you got the country cougar back there...
the "I will survive" one?

You caught me.
[ laughs ]

Hey, and, honestly,
I almost didn't survive. [ laughs ]

She behind me?

Hello.

Rutherford.

You guys were fabulous
last night.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- You really made the wedding.
- It's what we try and do.

Barry:
We're like a four-man vegas.

Whatever happens at
a mother of the bride show...

Barry and Tommy: Stays at
a mother of the bride show.

Till you get
their wedding DVD.

Well, this morning is your lucky day, because
I have yet to hire a band for Bill Gates' 56th.

Billy Gates?

- Of course, if you screw it up...
- I know. You'll... you'll...

- you'll hang my things on your thing.
- Well, actually, I was thinking that

eight might make
a nice...choker.

- See you.
- Did you do something? [ door closes ]

Same outfit as last n...

- Oh! What was that?
- Bill gates! Dude!

- What?!
- Okay, Captain change-the-subject.

[ laughter ]

- We got to think about this for a second.
- Yeah, yeah.

What could we possibly give
the world's richest man

that he couldn't get
for himself?

You make him
an honorary member of the band.

The key
is to find the right song

that gets that windsor knot to drop.

* I said,
it's gettin' hot in here *

* so hot *
* so take off all your clothes *

Oh!
* I am gettin' so hot *

* I wanna take my clothes off *
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

* it's gettin' hot in here *

- Keep playing.
- Oh, I will if you will.

* I am gettin' so hot,
I wanna take my clothes off *

* I was like, good gracious,
ass is bodacious *

* flirtatious,
tryin' to show patience *

* lookin' for the right time
to shoot my steam *

[ thud ]
Ow!

* I'm leavin',
please believe in *

* me and
the rest of my heathens *

Check it!
* got it locked at the top of the four seasons *

* penthouse, rooftop,
birds I'm feedin' *

* no deceivin', nothin up
my sleeve and no teasin' *

* I need you to get on up *

Good night, Keith Moon.

- Come with mommy.
- What?

Oh, if I was singing Coldplay,
you'd let them stay?

Sellout!

* and can't nobody
stop the juice *

* so, baby,
tell me, what's the use? *

* I said,
it's gettin' hot in here *

* so hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot... *

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