Original subtitles

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Hi, boys.

Come on in.

Hey, daddy. You look so good.

We're gonna sell a record number of cars today, Timmy.

- You think so? - I know so.

That little voice in my head tell me so.

You been calling that psychic network again, pops?

Come on, Duke.

Hey, Floyd.

Your old man runs off every time I come by.

I'm beginning to think he doesn't like me.

It's not you, Floyd, yeah. It's...

- the mail. - Well, okay. See you later, Tidy.

See you later, Floyd.

Oh, boy.

- Ralph. - Oh, fish sticks!

- Put a new battery in the Chevy. - We're out of batteries.

Then throw the battery charger on it.

Charger stopped working last week.

Damn, I think I need a new battery charger myself.

Come on, Duke.

Come on.

Good morning, George. Good morning, Daddy.

Good morning, Willy. Good morning, Daddy.

Good morning, Molly. Good morning, Daddy.

- Hey, how's it going there, pal? - Hello.

She's a beauty, huh? 1963 Ford Falcon, a classic.

Does, she have a radio?

Well, right this way.

Not only a working AM radio, but a fully functional 8-track.

Then I can listen to my Arnelly Barbara opera tape?

Oh, Arnella Barbara opera.

Yeah, you can listen to that 8-track in there.

- How much? - Well...

How much you got?

You, uh... care to start her up?

Hop in, pal.

You're gonna love the ride.

All right. Let's head to the front of the car here.

All right, this fender is good.

Let's lift this hood, right. Take a...

It looks like it's a brand new car.

Let me show you the paper work.

"Final warning.

You have 30 days to make your six month overdue mortgage payment of $8,550

plus late fees or face foreclosure.

Call loan ranger at 1-800-666-9999 as soon as possible."

Yeah, right.

Ho, ho, ho. What can I sell you today, my man?

Yo, I'll give you five dollars for this Indian dog.

No, no, no. That won't even pay for his pipe.

- How about 25? - Dude, all I got is 6.25, man.

I wants to give this Indian to my Auntie.

My Auntie's Indian herself, my Auntie is.

She just got a backside lobotomy and thinks she's like from England or something.

That's why she talks all British and stuff, you know?

Oh, uh... I didn't just say that.

- Uh, that's between us, all right? - You don't say?

Well, I tell you, given that fact, how about 20?

Oh, tell you what, give me the 6.25 now

and I'll give you a receipt and you can pay me later on in the week.

Really? Shit! Run 'em back, man. Run 'em back.

Thanks. Thanks, man. You all right, man.

Well, thank you. What's your name, son?

- My name is Brave Coolwater. - Brave Coolwater.

Yeah, of the Wampuntang Tribe, man.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

6.25, Big Tim.

You just ask for Big Tim.

Tell them to look at the receipt and pay of the rest and we'll give it to you, okay?

- There you go. - All right. Thank you.

Our match is even. Thanks, man. You saved me, bro.

- Oh, no problem. - Thank you.

All right. Don't drop it on the way out.

Tidy Tim's Classics.

I'm looking for a Jaguar or... or a Bentley.

Well, we ain't got any Jags or Bentleys on the lot right now, lady.

But, I can put you in a beautiful 1965 Cadillac

once owned by a retired opera singer with one leg.

- Not a scratch or dent on it. - No, no.

I'm not looking for a crappy American car.

Oh, oh. You don't like American cars.

Do you at least have a Rolls?

No, no. I don't have a Rolls on the lot right now.

- But maybe I can... - Stop that! You idiot!

What are you doing down there? Oh!

Now, lady, you don't have to call me that.

Imbecile, moron, fool, idiot! You don't even know what you're doing!

Well, you can stick it where the Sun don't shine if you follow my meaning.

What? What?

Ex...

What the hell?

People ain't got no manners anymore.

- Here's your contract. - Thank you.

- Good doing business with you. - Yes. You too.

Thank you so much. I love the Falcon with the 8-track.

Top of the day to you, Mr. O'Hara.

Oh, same to you my dear.

Well, it's that time of year again, Mr. O'Hara.

Yes, but unfortunately I don't think I'm going to be able to make my usual contribution.

At least not right now.

Oh, but you've usually given a thousand dollars. Have for the past 22 years.

Oh, the money's sorely needed this year with the rise in the homeless population.

And we take in abused animals too.

Now, see. Here's a picture of our rescued turtle named Spike.

Yes.

- Fine looking animal. - Yes.

Tell you what, I'll give you 500 now

and 500 more when business picks up.

Oh, God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.

H.C.A, is that what it's made out to?

Yes, it is.

All right.

- There you are. - Oh, God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.

I'll keep you in my prayers just like I do your Aunt Mattie...

the sweetest, most generous person in the whole world.

Aye, that she was.

Oh, well, I best be getting back to the Lord's work.

God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.

God bless you and Merry Christmas.

Dear God, at least let me sell one car today, so that check don't bounce.

Hey, pops.

- Here you go. - Good job, Timmy.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

And as they make their way into the top of the stretch

it's Galloping Galapagos on the inside with Hi Ho Silver chasing closely on the outside.

And down the stretch they come.

Come on, Hi Ho Silver, hold on, baby. Hold on.

And in the center of the track comes long shot Loose Stool

Hi Ho Silver has the lead and Loose Stool is closing...

Hang on, hang on, hang on!

It's Hi Ho Silver and Loose Stool.

At the wire, it's too close to call.

- Here's your dinner, pops. - Oh, thanks, son.

- Try to enjoy it. - I'm pretty hungry.

Uh-huh.

Pops, pops. The doctor said you need to stop smoking those cigars.

It's one of the last pleasures I have, son.

Well, just try to enjoy your steak, okay?

Damn thing tastes like rubber. I haven't had a decent meal since your momma passed.

Did I ever tell you about her chicken 'n' dumplings?

Yeah, a million times. I ate them too, pops.

- Where you going? - Oh, over to Ralphs.

I'm going to play some poker tonight.

Good luck.

Okay, I'll catch you later pops, okay.

Oh, oh and here we go.

The photo finish has just come in and it was 99-1 shot Loose Stool

who won by a head with Hi Ho Silver in second place.

Shit!

All right, you pussycat lovers, D.J. Fattie's in the house.

These ladies like one thing and one thing only, the almighty dollar.

So, let's break open those wallets and make it rain in here.

Hey, hey Tidy. You got any one's? I'm all out.

Okay, baby. There's your target.

Go to work on him.

Peek-a-boo.

Hi, sexy.

What's your name?

Uh, uh... I'm Timmy...

but you can call me Tidy.

- You're new here. - Yes.

Just in from Miami.

I'm Mimi.

Mimi from Miami.

But you can call me bombshell.

Hey, bombshell.

Oh, yeah.

I like your mustache.

Oh, hey. Thank you.

- And your sideburns too. - Yeah, like Elvis.

So sexy.

So, Tidy,

- you want to go for a lap dance? - Uh, huh.

Follow me.

♪ Heels and my lipstick Heels and my lipstick ♪

- ♪ I'm a glamorous chick... ♪ - Oh, wow!

It's like we're walking down the aisle together.

♪ I'm a glamorous chick ♪

♪ Heels and my lipstick Heels and my lipstick ♪

Thank you.

♪ I'm a glamorous chick ♪

There's nothing sexier than an ass full of cash.

How much you haul in tonight, baby?

$2,500.

How much of it came from our resident fool in the plaid jacket?

All but a crusty 20 I got from D.T.

I thought that old fart was dead.

Not yet.

He's says as long as he has one good nut still working

he wants to take me on a Caribbean cruise.

- But, Tidy, he's the real catch. - Oh, think so?

Oh, I know so. One lap dance and he spilled his guts.

His daddy owns the vacant lot next door

and the car lot across the street, which is barely running.

Didn't you say that the Pussycat is looking to expand?

And there it was, right next to us.

We'll take over.

Buy the old man out, get the weedy lot and his used car lot

and that, that'll give us all the space we need for the Pussycat 2,

the mini-arcade and extra parking.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. What a coop!

Oh, my boss, he'll be so happy, he'll make me manager of his Vegas spot.

And what will you do to make me happy?

Well, I'll take you with me.

You'll put those Vegas showgirls to shame.

That's right, Maxie.

Yeah, body and brains baby, we got 'em both.

I didn't hear you come in last night, son.

Oh, I had a long one at Ralph's, pops.

- Oh. Win anything? - Yeah, I about broke even.

Oh, pops, hey got a sale going at the Peddlers Mall

and I saw one of those fancy cordless phones you been wanting.

What's that smell?

Uh... Oh, burnt toast, pops.

Smells like a Chinese brothel.

What'd you and Ralph do last night, play cards with the ladies?

Oh, no. It's my aftershave, pops.

Try to enjoy your breakfast, okay?

Pops, you got to stop smoking those cigars.

- Give me the hot sauce. - Okay.

Here you go.

Calling Tidy Tim.

Calling Tidy Tim.

- Calling Tidy Tim. - Yeah, hello?

Digger? Digger, are you there?

You just called me, Digger. Are you okay, Digger?

Hey, Tidy. I hope you and the old man are okay.

Oh, oh. Hey, Digger. Yeah, doing fine.

- How are you doing? - Good. On a lunch break.

Had a little nap.

Is the old man around?

Oh, you want to talk to pops? Pops?

He's kind of busy right now.

I want to ask Big Tim about a job at the lot.

Oh, okay, yeah, I'll run it past him.

Just stop by the lot later today, okay?

You got it, Tidy. See you this afternoon.

- Oh, great. - Okay, cool.

I'm getting hungry, Timmy.

Why don't you go get us some hot dogs at Pinkies.

Pops, they give you bad gas.

And well, I'm a little short on dough today.

- Did you lose it all last night playing cards with Ralph? - No.

You didn't lose my two dollar bill, did you? My lucky two dollar bill?

Look, pops.

I wonder what that lady in the van is up to?

Watch this.

Scared her away.

I guess I just don't have it anymore, huh?

Come on, pops. You ain't losing your touch.

Timothy Karnes O'Hara, the second is the big man.

You remember when I had my own Chevy agency?

Yup.

Tim O'Hara and Son Motors.

Largest Chevy dealership in the area.

Yeah, I'd still be sitting at that mahogany desk

coining money if the EPA hadn't shut me down.

Say, pops, Digger wants to talk with you about something serious.

Digger works for a funeral home, that's why he's always talking about something serious.

That's what happens when you work at a funeral home.

Hope I'm not intruding on an important business conversation.

- Oh, hell no, Digger. Have a seat. - Don't mind if I do.

So, Digger. How's business?

Haven't had a cold one in ten days.

You know what? I wouldn't mind a cold one myself right now.

I don't think he means that kind of cold one, son.

So, how long you been an embalmer?

22 years I've been with Heaven's Helpers.

It's gotten so depressing. Nobody to talk to.

You really think you can sell cars, huh, Digger?

Oh, I know I can. I can't wait to start!

Well, you got the right attitude.

Now the only problem is I can't pay you anything above commission.

- At least not right now. - Commission's fine, Big Tim.

- Great. When can you start? - I don't want to drag my feet.

- How about tomorrow? - Sounds good to me. How about you, son?

Um, yeah.

Say, look...

I gotta' go help Ralph wash down some cars on the back lot.

I'll see you two later.

What's eating Tidy?

Oh, he thinks he's a failure like his old man.

I mean, I haven't sold a car in weeks. Tidy has, but I haven't.

You're not a failure Big Tim. Everybody in the neighborhood loves you.

Yeah, everybody I give spare change to.

You try paying your mortgage, uh, with love.

You try making a down payment on a new TV with love.

See how many bags of groceries love will buy.

You're being cynical.

You let people hang out here and talk, tell jokes and be human.

Lots of days I'd have gone mad if I hadn't crossed that street

to pass the time with you and T.K.O.

There's always something going on around here.

All I see at the funeral home are stiffs on their backs.

You know what's the hardest thing to look at on a dead body?

- No? - Their feet, Big Tim.

Always in socks or stockings,

those poor feet look so directionless,

one flopping to one side and one flopping to the other.

It tears my heart out every time.

You see, that's why I like running my own business...

so I can decide which way my feet are going.

Unfortunately, right now they're taking me straight to the poor house.

♪ Digging through the trash... ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm out of cash ♪

♪ When I'll I want to do is Drink the whole day through ♪

♪ Tin cans don't pay much ♪

♪ And plastic bottles ♪

♪ So all I need to do Is drink a bottle or two ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ♪

♪ Drink some beer and drink some More and the pain will go away ♪

Ah! Now maybe my fortunes may change.

Big Tim, have you ever given thought to the laws of geographic relativity

and how they coincide with the spiritual laws of reciprocity?

I ain't following you, Fred.

In other words...

do you have a dollar for a cup of coffee?

A cup of coffee? You ain't had a cup of coffee in 45 years.

Here, there's fifty cents.

That ain't enough.

Give it back then. I need it more than you do anyway.

They're my last quarters.

Ralph. Ralph.

- I need 50 cents. - What was that all about, pops?

Fred. I gave him 50 cents and he said it wasn't enough. Can you believe that?

Why do you keep him around, pops?

Well, he's my assistant security guard. Assistant to Duke.

Ah...

Besides, if I didn't give him a home, who would?

Pops, your cough's getting worse, you need to see a doctor.

I hate doctors.

You think we should have hired Digger? I mean, it might ruin business.

I mean, everybody in town knows he's an embalmer.

Well, maybe he'll send some live business our way.

- I'm hungry, Timmy. - Tidy!

You know, I got a hankering for some chicken 'n' dumplings. Do you remember your mommas?

Oh, he-he. Say, pops, I've got to put a fuel pump on our '65 Galaxie.

What's wrong with you, son? You're as jumpy as a June bug on a string.

I'm not jumpy, pops. It's just I got things to do, okay?

And I can't stand here gumming with you all day.

♪ Ho-ho-ho It's the good, the bad And the ugly tonight ♪

♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪

How about some fries with that shake?

Kick those heels, you wildcat!

Let's see that move again, sweetheart.

Jiggle them jugs!

Come on.

All right now, next up on stage is the bombshell herself.

Let's give it up for Mimi from Miami!

Excuse me!

Come on, let's hear it, you Pussycat Lovers.

There's my hot tamale, right there.

♪ You walked out ♪

♪ Then tearing apart again ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Under my skin ♪

♪ I got you ♪

Hey, Mimi.

Do you still have the Birthday dance?

Is it your birthday, baby?

It's my birthday.

All right, Pussycat dolls, attention.

We have a birthday in the house.

You should have told me it was your birthday, Tidy.

Oh, I didn't even remind pops.

Happy Birthday, Timmy.

We need all hands on deck.

We need all of our Pussycat Dolls, including Mimi from Miami,

Sweet Georgia Peach, Cat Flashy Cathy, Juicy Jasmine,

Hot Maria Mammacita Maria.

Go get 'em, Timmy. Go wild!

Large Marge and last but not least, Tiny Tammy!

Come on down, everybody!

All right now, ladies. I hear he bruises easy.

Ah...

Yeah!

Oh, baby.

It's my birthday!

You! Now get on all fours!

- Crawl. - Okay.

Come on, doggie.

Oh, yeah. Bark like a dog.

Tiny Tammy's spanking him.

Smile, hot doggie. Woof.

Oh my, that feels good.

- Whoo! - Yeah, hit it one more time.

All right, all right, ladies. Let's have a big hand for the ladies.

Ladies, you are now done. You are now done, please.

Thank you so much and let's hear it for that naughty, naughty, naughty little doggie.

And thanks for being a good sport, you little naughty doggie.

Oh...

Tidy, I've been thinking about you all day.

Oh, I've been thinking about you too, bombshell.

So, how about a private birthday dance?

Private birthday dance?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Okay, follow the shake.

Okay.

I have more for you, birthday boy.

- Yes, so much more. - Yeah.

- Follow me to the naughty room. - Okay, following you.

Go get 'em Tidy. Go get 'em. Ride 'em hard.

Better lay of them wings, Marge. Next time Max catches you, you are out of here.

I'm sorry. You're not going to tell on me are you?

Well, that depends.

Meet you in the deep freezer for a pile driver, again?

We'll do a 68 and three quarters,

then go around the world with some mayonnaise on top.

See you in ten.

You ever have chicken 'n' waffles?

I got a coupon.

If you give me that number, I'll call you.

Oh, boy.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Tidy, you make me so hot, baby.

I can't believe...

a strong, sexy, successful man like you is still single?

Well, you know.

Oh, oh, oh oh.

You are so cute.

Wow. Wow. Oh, boy.

I think she really likes me.

Okay. Okay.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant.. ♪

Wow.

Bombshell was here.

Bombshell.

Oh.

Bombshell.

"Take a look inside of the fridge.

It's acting up again. Pops."

Oh, wow.

He got me a birthday cake.

♪ Shepherds quake ♪

♪ At the sight ♪

♪ Glories stream From heaven... ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to me ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, dear Tidy. Happy Birthday to me ♪

♪ Ave Maria ♪

♪ Ave Maria ♪

Arnelly Barbara, I love you. Such a beautiful voice.

Yes. This message is for Timothy Karnes O'Hara.

This is your 14th phone call from Loan Ranger Mortgage Company.

Call us at 1-800-666-9999 as soon as possible. Thank you.

Hey, what's the matter with you? Get your mask back on.

You know the rules at work, buddy!

The Loan Danger rise again.

Big Tim, it's Tennessee.

I'm gonna' need that 500 you bet on Hi Ho Silver to win, Ke-mo sah-bee.

Hi Ho Silver and away.

Listen up, fat man.

I want my money back, you no good crook!

Madam Stone. I got to talk to you.

This is Big Tim O'Hara.

Mr. O'Hara. Can you hold, please?

This is Trixie. What's your fantasy, baby?

- Trixie? - Trixie?

- I thought this was Marge. - Fantasy? Where's Madam Stone?

Where's Marge?

Hello?

- Hello? - Please hold, sugar.

I thought we were going for chicken 'n' waffles tonight.

Mr. O'Hara. What can I tell you about your future?

Oh, Madam Stone. I'm having the worst run of luck ever.

When will things get better?

Let me look into my crystal ball.

To continue your call with Madam Stone, please press the pound key.

A charge of 50 dollars will apply.

I see you're having poor sales at your lot.

- Not just poor sales. No sales. - I see.

I will have to call upon the Gods of good fortune to help you.

You will need a lucky talisman.

- Got my lucky rabbit's foot. - Good.

Now, rub your lucky rabbit's foot and repeat after me.

To continue your call with Madam Stone, please press the pound key.

A charge of $100 will apply.

- Bad fortune, go away! - Bad fortune, go away.

Send me a live one, today, today, today!

Send me a live one, today, today,

today!

Hey, what's going on there, pops? You going after leads?

I don't have to son. A couple live ones just came on the lot. Watch this.

Tidy Tim's Classics. This is Tidy Tim.

- Hi, Tidy. - Oh, hey there Mimi.

I need to see you, baby.

I have something I want to discuss with you.

Are you going to be at the lot for a little while?

Oh, sure, babe. Come on over.

Okay.

Bye for now, Tidy.

Okay. Bye, bombshell. See you soon.

Hah. The kid's all mine.

Now I just have to win over the old man.

The property is in his name.

Well, it will be no contest, doll-face.

He'll melt in your mouth.

Yeah.

All right, gentlemen, it's time for some two for one Santa beer and dollar dancing.

That's right, two cold ones and two hot ladies.

Flashy Cathy's got her camera ready,

give me some lights give me some camera,

give me some action with some booby-liciousness

all wrapped up into a garland bow of lovely Christmas trinket-nation.

Hey, D.T., did I ever tell you how the dinosaurs became extinct?

No, Johnny, I don't think you have.

- I arm-wrestled the last T-Rex. - Oh, shit!

Well, you know how I lost my nut, don't you?

- No, I don't think I do. - Well, you remember John Hinkley?

- Yeah. - He got Brady in the head?

- That's right. You don't say. - Yeah.

- Well, here you go D.T. - Thanks, Johnny.

Ooh, you better have a lot of one's D.T and new batteries for your new pacemaker.

- Oh, oh. - All right, baby.

How's that one nut working out for you?

Ah.

Let's go to the lap dance room, take that nut of yours and let's go deck the ball.

Let's just hope that pacemaker of yours don't die on us.

Oh, boy. I hope not.

Ah, I can't catch my breath, I'm dying.

D.T. phone home.

Call an ambulance, I'm dying.

Call an ambulance. Help.

Stay close, son. Get the paperwork ready.

- I feel lucky today. - Yeah.

Go get 'em, pops.

Bitching Caddy.

It probably won't even start, babe.

Best runner on the lot, little lady.

Whatever. I'll bet you haven't even changed the headlight fluid or polished the carburetor.

Hello, I'm Mimi Slaughter.

- I'm a friend of Tidy's. - Ya'll excuse me.

Any friend of Tidy's is a friend of mine.

Now, what can I do... do for you, little lady?

Oh, well, I'm looking for a car but nothing too fancy.

I don't want to draw attention to myself.

- Well, you want something that runs, but looks a little used. - Mm-Hm.

Let me call Timmy out here, he knows the inventory much better than I do.

Okay.

Will Timothy Karnes O'Hara the Third, please report to the front lot.

T.K.O. you have a customer.

So, uh, what year is she?

1965, it was a great year for Cadillacs.

You reckon I can start her up?

Let me make sure the keys get out here.

Tidy. Bring the key to the '65 Cadillac, when you come out.

- Keys to the '65 Caddy. - Cool.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

May I ask you, ma'am, what kind of work you do?

Oh, I work across the street.

I'm a dancer. You should come by.

We put on quite a show.

Oh, lady you put on quite a show wherever you go.

- Hey. - Oh, hi.

Hey, pops, keys to the Caddy.

This young lady says she's a friend of yours and is looking for a common sense car.

Now, if you all will excuse me just one minute.

Fred, come get your blow-up doll.

Fred, come get your blow-up doll.

God!

Come on, Fred.

We in the middle of something now, Fred, okay?

We'll see you later.

- T.K.O.? - Oh, technical knockout.

It's a little joke, Mimi.

Oh. Maybe not.

You knock me out.

Uh...

So, uh, imi...

You're really looking for a car?

Well, I'm thinking about it but I'm thinking about you more.

Yeah... that was my best birthday ever.

You should bring your father to the club tonight.

He looks like he could use a good time.

I'll even tell Juicy Jasmine to be extra nice to him.

Oh, Juicy Jasmine.

That might be a little awkward, Mimi.

Why don't you show her the five-speed car?

It's got a rotten transmission, pops.

- Well, show her the van. - Well, that's Fred's home.

Then put her in the Corolla.

Uh, the alternator's shot.

Don't you have anything that runs?

You just tell me what you're looking for, honey, and we'll make sure it runs.

Yeah, we will.

Oh, Tidy. I have to go. I'm sorry.

I'll come by later, okay? I just need to get my beauty sleep, you know?

- Okay. - I'll see you later.

So nice to finally meet you, Mr. O'Hara.

Oh, come back anytime, little lady.

- Okay. Bye, Tidy. - Bye, bombshell.

Oh.

How come I get the feeling she doesn't really want to buy a car?

Oh...

Well, she likes me, pops.

Careful, son. She's got more curves than a snake in heat.

Well, I'll bet it has a busted strut and the shocks haven't even been waxed.

Ah, plus, when was the last time the oil was engined?

Baby, I am getting a really bad feeling about this car.

Start her up.

Sure thing.

Start her up.

Oh, yeah. Nice.

Purrs like a kitten, doesn't it?

Check out those woofers in the back.

That's what you hipsters might call junk in the trunk.

- Hop in, babe. - No thanks.

I want my money back.

That car you sold me, it stopped running.

It's a bad battery. No problem. I'll send Ralph over with a new one.

It's more than a bad battery, mister.

The engine, she's a sitting on the street.

Bad mounts. We can remedy that.

Put 'em up, you old crook!

- Well, you old Italian fart! - I'll kick your ass, Fatso!

I'm gonna' send you back to Sicily, buddy.

Porca Madonna!

I'm gonna' make you look like Sonny Corleone when I get through with you.

Okay. Let's just calm down here, okay.

Calm down, buddy. We can work this out.

- So, what's the problem? - I want my money back.

You bought that car As-Is. You can't have your money back.

My contract say that if the car break down in 24 hours

then I can exchange one lemon for another lemon.

Okay, now I tell you what, pal.

Now, we'll give you an exchange, okay? Just like your contract stipulates.

So, how much did you pay for the Falcon?

4,500.

Okay. 4,500.

You got $4,500 credit, now pick yourself out a car here.

I want that one.

- Hey, I saw it first, dude! - Yeah, he saw it first.

Well, now just a cotton picking minute. I've almost sold this car.

- Pick out another one. - No.

My contract says, if the one lemon break down

I can exchange for another lemon and I want this lemon.

We gotta' no choice, poppa.

And another thing,

tell your grease monkey over there to install the 8-track from the Falcon.

He can find it in the street over there.

I'll be back.

Well, he drives a hard bargain, doesn't he?

Cheap son-of-a-bitch.

Pops?

Pops? Oh, no. Pops!

Come on, babe. Let's go. This place is janky.

Agreed.

Pops?

Pops? Are you okay?

- What's going on? - Digger, call 911!

Pops? Are you still with me?

Pops, it's going to be okay.

We need an ambulance over at Tidy Tim's Classics,

right away!

Quit your whining, son. I'm the one dying here!

Okay. Okay.

Ow! There goes my prostate!

Yeah, Tennessee. I know I still owe you the $500, but this one's a mortal lock.

I got it from Mike Lucky English.

Okay, what's your pick?

I want you to put 500 on the nose,

Purple Rainbow, Churchill Downs, fifth race tomorrow.

Purple Rainbow? Who gave you that tip, Prince?

And thank you, Mrs. Rooney, once again for calling.

Yes, I'm doing fine. I'll talk to you later.

- Mrs. Rooney, she's a sweetheart. - Hey, pops. I know.

Tell me now, son. Am I dying?

Oh, no, pops.

- You just had a panic attack. - I had a heart attack, son.

No. Panic attacks and heart attacks, they feel about the same, pops.

He's right, Mr. O'Hara.

Panic attacks often mimic heart attacks, rapid breathing, shortness of breath, sweating.

People often mistake one for the other.

Will you take my nurse, pulse? My purse, nurse?

My pulse, nurse? It'd calm me down if I know it's normal.

Sure.

- Oh, your last name is Bottoms? - I've heard all the jokes, Mr. O'Hara.

Bottoms up. Your future's behind you. All that.

75 beats a minute, can't get much better than that.

And that's with a pretty nurse holding my hand.

No, no, no. The only reason I ask you is I used to know this fellow named Harry Bottoms.

His name was Bill, but we called him Harry and his wife Katie.

Bill Bottoms is my father and Katie is my mother.

- She a redhead? - Mm, used to be.

Small world.

By the way, your blood work came back great.

I think the doctor will release you this afternoon.

Uh, my names Tim O'Hara two.

Thanks for your help, Nurse Bottoms.

- Sure. - He's Tidy Tim.

Tidy Tim? Oh, I get it. Like the Dickens character.

I love that story, it's so heart-warming.

His momma nicknamed him that

'cause he used to make neat little stacks of the spare change we'd give him.

- Nurse Bottoms, please report to the ER. - Ooh, gotta' go.

Bye.

Now that's the kind of girl you need. A trifecta.

A... trifecta, pops?

Yeah, sweet, good looking, and warm-hearted.

Wow. And you found all that out in one bedside chat?

I knew Katie before she married Harry.

She was a trifecta then.

Harry's a lucky man, I can tell you that much.

Say, pops...

I hate to ask but...

how are we going to pay for this hospital visit?

Well, I can always sell the vacant lot. But I sure as hell hate to.

I mean, that's my emergency fund.

I'd hate to give it to the hospital or the Loan Ranger.

Pops, that doctor did suggest you having a chest x-ray.

If it's lung cancer, I don't want to know, son.

Plus, this place is more expensive than the honeymoon suite at the Ritz.

- Oh, yeah? Hello? - How's Big Tim doing?

Oh, hey, there, Digger.

Pops just had a panic attack.

Well, he's doing a lot better.

Uh, anything going on at the lot?

Well, a lady named Mimi dropped by.

I told her you'd taken Big Tim to the hospital.

That spun her around.

- Hey, when you coming back? - We'll be back in a few hours.

You just hold down the fort, okay?

- All right. See you. - Yeah, okay. Bye.

- Hey, son. - Hey, Big Tim. Hey, Tidy.

A little lady came by and dropped these off for you.

Oh. Just give that to Tidy.

Thanks, son.

Hey, hanks.

That's two balloons now, son. I'm getting popular.

Mm.

Silly little card.

"Get better soon, Big Daddy. Love, Mimi."

Wow.

Bombshell's okay.

Yeah. Very thoughtful...

but what's she being thoughtful about?

Well, what do you mean, pops?

She's a double-whammy, son.

- A... double-whammy? - Yeah.

She's good looking and sneaky as a snake.

Man hasn't got a chance to survive that kind.

Mm.

- What's for lunch? - Oh, what do you want?

Oh, you going to get it?

Give me a double cheeseburger, double fries and a diet soda.

- Uh-huh. - I'm trying to cut down a little bit.

Yeah, okay. Uh, anything else?

Maybe some chili on the side and a chocolate chip cookie.

You got it, pops. You just rest and I'll be right back.

Okay, hurry 'cause I don't want to eat that damn hospital food again, I can tell you that much.

Nice photos, Patches.

Mm...

So, what do you think, Princess Coolwater?

This vacant lot is perfect for my casino and cigar shop.

We must meet with these people at Tidy Tim's to negotiate.

Have Miss Brown run the numbers and see what makes sense.

Very well.

And darling, before you do that. Do tell me that story again about how you lost your eye?

It amuses me so.

Well, Princess.

I was walking through the jungle

and a giant pterodactyl came swooping down

and ripped my eye right out of its socket.

Then, I took my meat cleaver and decapitated him

and then I ate the head just like he ate my eyeball.

- Then... - Alright, that's enough darling.

Off you go.

Princess.

Run the numbers, Miss Brown.

Hello, Grandfather.

Are you proud of me?

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Tidy Tim.

Uh, Tidy, you may kiss the bride.

Hello, Tidy Tim.

Oh, uh... Hey, there, Mimi.

It's good to see you.

You know, Tidy, when I came by the lot yesterday...

I almost cried when Digger told me what happened to your dear father.

Is he all right?

Well, yeah. It's just a panic attack, bombshell.

Digger's with him at the hospital right now.

They're... they're playing cards.

I'm so glad to hear that.

It was so sweet of you to drop by with the balloon and the note,

the flowers and everything.

- Pops really appreciated it. - Well, what are friends for?

We help each other when in need.

Actually, I feel like we're already becoming more than friends,

pretty quickly.

It's kinda scary.

You know, Tidy, can I ask you something?

Sure, bombshell. What's that?

You don't do much business anymore, do you?

Well, I mean, I don't know. It's Christmas time.

I mean, people don't really buy a whole lot at Christmas time. They certainly don't buy cars.

Silly, that's when people do buy cars.

Tidy, you're not facing reality and neither is your father.

Oh... I mean, come on, Mimi. I mean, come spring time, folks will flock to the lot.

They always do.

Tidy, it's time to put on your big boy pants.

Your pops is getting older. He should sell out and retire.

And you need to start being your own man.

Oh, I don't know, Mimi. I mean, pops does the taxes and all the paperwork.

And basically, you see, I'm just a closer. You know, I come in and just close the deal.

Tidy, don't denigrate yourself. I mean, surely, you want more for yourself.

You don't always have to live with pops, you know.

Oh, I don't know, Mimi. I mean, who'd buy this place?

I mean, it would probably backfire on them as well.

Jiffy sauce.

Ah...

Well, I know for a fact that the Pussycat is looking to expand.

Max is looking at property across the city.

But I could tell him to look here in his own back yard.

Really, bombshell?

- You'd do that? - I already have.

Oh, you're such a friend. How much is the Pussycat talking about here, money-wise?

He is willing to offer you 10,000 dollars for the vacant lot.

Oh, I don't know, Mimi. Pops paid like 20 grand for it over 15 years ago.

- I don't think that's enough. - He's never improved it.

Yeah, that's true. But it's still a high demographic location

and I don't know that pops would even consider selling. This is his life, you know.

And it's giving him panic attacks. I mean, what kind of life is that?

Yeah, that's true. And he thinks, he has lung cancer, Mimi.

Let me talk to Max. Maybe I can get him to come up to 15,000.

Wow! Fifteen thousand!

Oh, Tidy. You've been mighty nice to me and I never forget my friends.

Uh, excuse me.

Ah, God damnit!

Uh, I'm here to talk, uh, to the owner of this, uh... this establishment.

Uh, yeah. Uh, he's taken the day off.

I'm his son and sales manager. Can I help you?

You certainly can. I'm Dick. Prickles.

Dick Prickles. I'm a City Field Inspector. See?

In the business licensing department.

- Can you read that? - Yeah, uh-huh.

Okay. You're going to have to stop selling your plastic figurines

and chachkies and knick-knacks and what not. Okay?

'Cause you don't have a license to sell that kind of merchandise.

Well, everyone on the strip hustles something on the side.

I mean, the used furniture store sells refurbished laptops

and Don's Fruit Market sells beanie babies

and I happen to know for a fact that Freddy's Retreads, well, they... they sell condoms.

Well, I really wouldn't know anything about that.

I'm just here to respond to a complaint.

- And who filed this complaint? - I can't answer that, lady.

I'm just a field inspector.

The complaint says that this lot has been selling merchandise against their license.

So, you know what I'm going to do, as a favor. I'm going to issue you a warning

and tell the owner he has thirty days to correct the situation and we'll be fine.

Oh! It's just terrible.

A hard working man can't run his business without being harassed by city bureaucrats.

Mm-Hm. Well, you're entitled to your, uh...

opinion...

Ma'am. So, this is an official warning.

So, either correct the situation or face a twenty-five hundred dollar fine. Got it?

Hey... Mr... Pickles?

Didn't we sell you a car about six months ago?

My name is Mr. Prickles.

Not Pickles. Okay? Prickles. Prick!

Prick! Not Pick. Prickles. P-R-I-C-K-L-E-S. Got it?

And, yes, I did. I got a 2007 Dodge Caravan. Thank you.

Yeah, and let me guess? It broke down the day after you bought it?

No. Why? No, it's great. It runs like a top.

I wouldn't sell it for three times the price I paid for it. Love it! Oh, okay.

You think this is some kind of personal vendetta?

- Well, it crossed my mind. - Well, it's not. It's not.

I'm just doing my job. I don't like to issue these warnings. I really don't.

You know, just my job and by the way, it's not the safest job in the world.

This guy right here probably has a shank in his back pocket

and you're lucky I'm not citing your mechanic here for smoking in front of flammable substances

or handing you a municipal code citation for a very bad wig.

You weren't really making much on that stuff anyway.

Yeah, but they're attention grabbers, bombshell.

Uh, pops is going to be real steamed, that's for sure.

Oh, Tidy, I mean, your business is shrinking

but you have an amazing opportunity.

Someone is willing to buy the whole shebang. I mean, how lucky can you get?

We're in the midst of our annual Christmas sell-a-thon, Mimi,

and we've sold a total of one car and it came back to us.

Well, that's the real joke.

Here you go, Tidy.

Take a puff. It'll make you feel real good.

All right, get it in there. Here you go.

That's it.

Oh, no, no. I'm all yours.

- I don't think is here. - I'm always here.

- Get the door. - Why?

I like when you get the door, it's so romantic.

Yeah, fine.

- Hey, Max. - What?

I got a surprise for you. We got them by the balls now, Max.

So, uh, what? You tightened the screws?

The city has made them stop selling their knick-knacks and plaster shit.

They can't even buy a bag of groceries.

And how'd that happen?

Oh, a phone call from a disgruntled citizen.

You can be a true ball buster, Mimi.

Oh.

You love me anyways, don't you, Maxie?

Sure, baby.

You know something?

The corporation promised me the Vegas spot if I can pull off this real estate coop.

Yeah, and I was thinking who could be my official star assistant and show stopper?

None other than, Mimi the Vegas Vixen!

Oh! I just love it when you go off on your flights of fantasy, Max.

Oh, it's no flight of fantasy, doll-face. You get those suckers to, uh, sign on the dotted line

and we'll have us a one way ticket to the big time.

Oh! Tell me more, Max.

Well, we'll live the high-life, baby. We'll sleep as late as we want.

Caviar for lunch, duck under glass for dinner.

Oh! Can I buy a matching pair of shih-tzus?

- Well, yeah baby. - And a mink coat?

- Yeah. - And a diamond necklace?

- Sure. - And a matching bracelet?

- Okay. - Ah! And a red Firebird convertible?

All right, all right.

Let me tell you something.

I had the, uh, hots for you since day one.

The day I started on the job here?

That's right. The minute you waltzed across that stage,

flashing that sweet butt of yours, onion tight in your jeans.

I nearly blew me a gasket.

And I thought you were the coolest guy I'd ever met.

- So commanding and with a tight butt too. - Oh.

I do squats.

We need to get a lawyer to draw up the papers

so I can get these morons to sign while the iron's hot.

Don't you worry about that, doll-face.

The lawyers are going to fax me the papers tonight.

It's all coming together, isn't it, Max?

Yeah.

Max!

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh.

Sell all those figurines and knick-knacks, Timmy? That's great news.

Oh, yeah. I'm afraid not, pops.

A city inspector came by and said we're not licensed by the city

to sell that kind of product.

And then, he threw a condom at me.

I'll be damned. You know, that's the last straw.

If the fickle public don't do you in, the government will.

This ain't a free country anymore, T.K.O. It's a clicky-club,

run by the rich to make themselves richer, aided and abetted by the government.

A man needs a license these days to take a good crap.

- You need cough medicine, pops. - I need a transfusion, son.

A money transfusion, that's my cure.

Oh, uh, Mimi came by.

She bought a new car? Top of the line?

- Uh, no. - Oh, damn.

But, she did say the Pussycat Showcase might be interested in purchasing our vacant lot.

Really? How much they willing to pay?

Oh... Fifteen thousand.

Bullshit! That's a ridiculous offer.

Well, it's our only offer, pops. I mean, think about it.

Who in his right mind would want the damn lot?

Well, you got a point.

What are we going to do, son?

I don't know.

I guess I could always get a second job, while you hold down the fort here.

Let's face it, son.

I'm an old man and I'm busted up just like one of them junkers out on the back lot.

And it doesn't matter you're the best closer in the business, you don't look it.

You've got to look professional in this business.

I don't know, pops. I'm proud of us.

I mean, it takes courage to run your own business.

Yeah, but I got a mortgage to pay and... I'm dying. I can feel it in my bones.

Come on, pops. You been saying that for the last ten years.

Yeah, but it's a lot worse than it was ten years ago.

What the hell is Ralph doing out there with that jackhammer?

Oh, uh, well, he said something about making himself a small oil change pit.

I can't get no peace around here. My vision is blurry. I see two Tidys.

It's all screwed up. I've got to go to the hospital and take them tests.

I was hoping you'd, you know, maybe give me some of that money

you inherited from your Aunt Mattie.

Well, look pops. You know everything I have is yours, right?

- Mm-Hm. - Uh-huh.

Trouble is, I don't have anything right now. I'm broke.

You trying to get a rise out of me, son. You know I got a mortgage to pay.

I'm out of money.

You blew 20,000 dollars in two months. Tell me you're lying, son.

Oh...

- I spent it, pops. - On what?

Living the high-life.

You into drugs?

No.

You threw it away on the ponies?

No.

You bought 20,000 dollars worth of lottery tickets to turn into a million?

Mm, uh-uh.

You played the 500 dollar slot machine at the casino?

- No. - Then what did you do with it?

I gave it to the gals at the Pussycat Showcase.

- For what? - Well, they like me, pops.

Oh, look, you know how hard it is for me to get a girl, right?

And I'd walk into the Pussycat every night and they'd make fools of themselves over me.

Look, I've got some pictures right here. See?

- Yeah. Mm-Hm. - Yeah.

- Mm-Hm. - That's a good one too.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - And that's my favorite.

Oh, they have some pretty girls.

You are going to have some sizzling memories when they haul us away to debtor's prison.

There isn't such a thing, pops.

There's always the gutter, son, and maybe a homeless shelter. Now what am I going to do?

I got to get to the hospital and get them tests.

I got a mortgage to pay. Where's the money going to come from, son?

Timmy, you cut our throats.

- Oh, pops. - Oh, my heads aching!

Pops! Pops! Pops!

Oh, I'm sorry, pops. I'm sorry.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, 911? Uh, yeah, this is Tidy Tim's Classics.

Send over... Send over an ambulance. Yeah, send one over right now!

Tidy! Tidy! I have an offer for you.

I have the papers right here. See.

All I need is your daddy's signature. Where's Big Tim?

Uh, he's in the hospital again, Mimi. He... he collapsed.

Oh, no.

And after all the trouble I've gone to.

Look, I'll... I'll get him to sign the papers when he gets out.

But, Tidy! This offer is only good for 24 hours.

Well, what do you suggest we do, Mimi?

Well, let's take the papers to him, right now.

I can't leave the lot unattended.

I mean, Digger hasn't even shown up yet.

Do you really think it matters if you leave the lot for a few hours or all day even?

You don't have any business.

Well, we're not selling most of our cars

because people keep coming up to the lot and stealing car parts or batteries.

They don't run because of that and we can't sell them.

Sound like you need a night guard.

Oh, well, we've got Duke and... and, uh, Fred.

Tidy, your future depends on this deal and you refuse to help make it happen.

You're talking business to me right now, Mimi, and pops is in the hospital.

I can't think straight right now.

Tidy, I know you can't think straight.

That's why I'm trying to do it for you.

Tidy, this offer is a miracle waiting to happen.

Just don't pressure me anymore, Mimi. I can't take any more pressure right now.

- Hey, Tidy. How's the old man? - Oh, hey there, Digger.

I'm worried sick about him. He's back in the hospital.

Big Tim is one tough customer, T.K.O. He just needs a break.

And I am trying to give him one. Tidy, are we going?

We have to get these papers signed right now.

- What papers? - Oh, I'm sorry, Digger.

I should have introduced you.

Uh, this is Mimi Slaughter and she works at the Pussycat Showcase across the street.

And she said the club might be interested in purchasing our vacant lot.

We've met. What's this about a buyout?

Well, we're on our last legs, Digger, uh... That's the truth of the matter.

What's your offer?

That is none of your business, right, Tidy?

- Fifteen-thou. - That doesn't sound like enough.

Tidy, I have a big surprise for you and pops. Now, are we going?

Or, do I have to turn around and go right back to the club?

Oh, we're going, bombshell. We... We're going.

Good. I'll meet you at the hospital, okay?

Okay.

- Bye. - Bye. Bye.

Hmph!

Uh, Digger. Now look, if anyone shows up at the lot you show them this bug right here, okay.

It's a reduced price.

Don't worry about the lot, Tidy. Just tell Big Tim to hurry on home.

Hospitals are no fun.

- That's right. - Sure.

Hey, where's the Big Man at?

I want to pay him the thirteen-seventy-five I owe for that Indian head, dawg.

Mr. O'Hara won't be back for a while.

I reckon I can take your payment.

Here you go. Write it in the books that Brave Coolwater pays his debt.

Hey, can I have a receipt for that?

Uh, that here's my auntie Princess Coolwater,

grand-daughter of the great Wampuntang Chief, Black Lake.

Hey, uh, whatever I said about that backside lobotomy

and saying or thinking she was from England?

I didn't say that, all right?

Um, nice to meet you, ma'am.

She wanted to speak with Mr. O'Hara herself.

Says the Indian Head I got her looks like the old Chief

and she was wondering if it was based on an old portrait, man?

I wouldn't know about that but, uh, you can ask Big Tim when he comes back.

Can I buy that rooster?

I'm sorry, we can't sell these right now.

What? Are they in jail? Them police is crazy.

I thought this was a free country, man.

They're not exactly locked up.

I don't think Mr. O'Hara has the proper license to sell these products right now,

though I don't know the whole story.

Can I sell you a car?

You look like you could appreciate a Cadillac, lightly used.

Shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to ride in no hearse if that's what you're driving at.

I'll be riding in back of one of them soon enough, man.

- Hey, you ready, auntie? - Nephew, darling, come here.

That lot right across the street

is absolutely perfect for our tribe's Casino and Cigar shop,

the right size with the right high-traffic location.

Oh, I'm sorry sir.

I am the C.E.O of the Wampuntang tribe's casino operations,

we are extremely interested in that site depending on demographic study

as well as high traffic count.

Mr. O'Hara just received another offer on that lot and how much is your tribe willing to pay?

- What is the other offer, sir? - I can't divulge that.

Very well. I want that site for my tribe.

I am willing to pay close to seven figures.

Now, you tell Mr. O'Hara that I am ready to talk turkey.

Let's go, darling. Now I'm ready.

Good day to you, sir.

Shit. I want one of them roosters, man.

General hospital.

I'm trying to reach Mr. Timothy O'Hara.

Mm. What room is he in?

No, I don't know which room he's in.

Uh.

- He's in room 269. - Okay, would you try that room?

- It's busy. - Can you break in on the line?

- Uh, no. - Only the doctor can do that.

Thank you.

Hello? Hello?

Hey, pops. How you feeling?

- He sounds like I feel. - What did the doctor say?

I have a severe allergy to dander.

Wow! That's great news, pops!

- Yeah, I'm allergic to old Duke. - Oh, God! What a relief!

Yeah, you can say that again. I don't have to worry about the big C.

You know, everyone in the neighborhood has been asking about you.

Well, that's nice. I don't suppose you sold any cars today?

No. There's no good news on that front.

I'm afraid our only way out, pops, is...

we're going to have to negotiate with the Pussycat people.

I hate to give it away, son.

Maybe we ought, uh, you know, to get it listed with a good realtor.

Well, that's a good idea, pops, but that takes time.

And that's not time we have right now. You... see we're under the gun.

- Oh, yeah. Hello? - Mr. Big Tim?

Who is this?

This is world renowned psychic Madam Stone.

I must speak with your father, it's very important!

- Who is it, Timmy? - Madam Stone? I...

Madam Stone?

I see great danger coming to you, Big Tim.

- What is it? Am I dying? - No. Something much more wicked.

Something wicked this way comes.

Oh, is it U.F.O's? Back taxes? Trump?

Beware. Blondie is on the march.

Blondie? But I always liked her music.

Not that blondie, Mr. Big Tim, the curvy snake in stilettos.

You don't look sick to me, Mr. O'Hara.

- Hi. Here you go. - I'm not.

I just came here to get a good meal and flirt with the nurses.

Well, I have great news for you.

The club is willing to offer you 15,000 for the vacant lot.

Yeah? Well, that's not enough.

How about 50,000?

- Oh, now, you're talking, lady. - Fifty thousand for both lots.

Pops, you... said we needed a money transfusion.

Transfusion or bleeding, son?

Oh, Tidy's just trying to do what's right for you, Mr. O'Hara.

Excuse me, Tidy. I have the contract right here,

see, along with a certified check for 50,000 dollars.

All I need is your signature, Mr. O'Hara.

Let me see that.

Looks legit. What do you think, son? Should I sell it?

I guess so, pops. I mean, I don't think we have much of a choice.

Well, this offer is only good for 24 hours.

Oh, what the hell. Give me the pen.

Damn pen aren't got no ink in it.

My sentiments exactly, D.T.

- Tidy, do you have a pen? - Oh, um, let me see here.

- Oh, I have a pencil. - Shit.

Um, I'll run to the nurses' station and I'll borrow a pen. I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Oh.

What do you think, pops? I mean, 50 grand, that's not bad, huh?

But I'm not sure about her. You know what I mean?

Big Tim?

What... What's the matter? Is the lot on fire?

You haven't signed that contract yet, have you?

I ain't put my John Henry on it.

- Thank God! Don't sign it. - Why not?

Another offer's on the table. A biggie.

What you talking about, Digger?

That man you sold the plaster Indian to, his auntie's big in the Indian tribe.

Wampon something.

And she wants the lot for the tribes' casino and cigar shop.

- She's talking near 7 figures! - Wow!

How big is this auntie in the tribe?

She's the granddaughter of Chief Black Lake and heads the tribe's casino operations.

She's no small potatoes.

Oh!

Here, the angel of death returns. Let's clip her wings, boys.

A pen, Mr. O'Hara.

Oh, it's about time. I'm ready to sign.

- There you are. - Yeah.

- Right there, go ahead. - All righty.

You know, could somebody just adjust my pillows?

I'm laying right on my aching back.

Of course. Let me.

- Oh, thank you. - All right.

- Okay, how's that, Mr. O'Hara? - A little higher maybe.

Okay, ah. Ah. Ah. How about there?

That's a little too low, I think.

How's that, Mr. O'Hara?

You still haven't got it right, Mimi.

Would you help adjust your father in the correct position?

I'm just so nervous.

Oh, sure, Mimi. Just calm down.

Hey, pops. Here, let's go. That way and up here.

Like that and get the leg up and a little tuck right here. Yeah.

Damnit, boy! Can't you do anything right.

- You turned me into a pretzel! - Let me give it a shot.

Let me untangle your leg, Mr. O'Hara.

- Oh, my God! - Piss all over the place.

I knew I should have gone up and gone to the bathroom. I was just too damn lazy.

I better call for the nurse.

Ah, pee clean up in 216 B. There's a pee clean up in 216 B. Thank you, all.

Just sign the contract before something else happens.

Oh, sure, just let me sit up just a little.

Oh! Oh!

Now, look, what you've done to the papers. Max is gonna...

kill me.

Oops.

Uh, pops.

Oh, yeah, why don't you pick it up?

If you pick it up and dry it off, I'll sign it for you.

- Yeah. He'll sign it. - Oh, I can't stick my hands in a puddle of piss.

Oh, you can't?

Well, you're going to have to if you want pops to sign the contract.

Digger? Would you pick up the contract for me?

I'm sorry, ma'am. I have to... I have to take a leak.

Oh, Elizabeth put on a chicken and dumplings

and a peach cobbler if you've got the time 'cause I'm coming home.

- What's going on here? - Mimi knocked my bed pan over.

It's dry enough to sign, Mr. O'Hara.

Miss? You have to leave.

Oh, it will just take a sec, okay? Please.

I'll get someone to clean up that mess.

All right, then. Right here.

Well, I can't read this.

The prints all blurred. I'm not going to sign nothing I can't read.

Please, Mr. O'Hara. Just sign it. All I need is your signature.

Yeah. Well, all people in hell need is a pitcher of ice water.

I'm dying!

Call... Call the nurse.

- Tidy, go get the nurse! - Call the nurse, I'm dying!

- Quick. - Okay. I'll go get her.

Oh. I'll never get this contract signed.

I'm dying. Ah!

I've given you enough time to finish your business. Now, I must ask you to leave.

But he just said he would sign it.

- Oh, I'll sign it. - Please, just a few more minutes.

No, I'm sorry. We have a hospital to run.

Now, please leave before I am forced to call security.

Please. Mr. O'Hara just sign it! Tidy, I'm doing this for us. I just need a few minutes.

Tidy, I'm doing this for us. Please!

- Oh. - I broke my shoe.

What's the matter, D.T.? Is your pacemaker acting up again?

- Oh... - I'll call you later, Tidy.

Okay, then just try to relax, okay. Your dinner will be here soon.

Hey, nurse, would you pick up my hat for me? I dropped it.

- Sure. - Thank you.

There's a girl for you. I tell you.

- Thank you. - There you go.

The pulmonary specialist has a prescription for an antihistamine for you.

As soon as you sign the discharge papers, you're free to go.

Yeah, I'll be glad to sign those papers, Miss Bottoms.

Ah, Miss Julie? Julie? Uh, thanks for helping us out with Mimi.

My pleasure. She was a handful though.

You know, I noticed you don't have a ring on.

Your son noticed too, Mr. O'Hara. He's coming over this weekend.

♪ Sudden changes Make you wonder ♪

♪ They make you want to learn ♪

♪ They say the changing world Is always looking for someone ♪

♪ To lay its fingers On my love ♪

♪ Sudden changes Got your number ♪

♪ Today could be your turn ♪

♪ So in the coming weeks And months ♪

♪ And all them important years ♪

♪ Please hold each moment close My dear ♪

♪ This ever changing world Is always looking for someone ♪

The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, does it, son?

Yeah, pops we're going to watch a movie together.

Debbie Does... I mean, A Christmas Carol.

The classic one with Basil Rathbone.

I think he's Sherlock, son.

I'll see you this weekend, Tidy. And, Mr. O'Hara, if I don't see you again, good luck.

Something tells me you will, Julie, something tells me you will.

- Bye, Julie. - Bye, Tidy.

Guess what?

When we get all that money, I'm going to build a brick building on the lot

and each one of us is going to have our own private offices.

- You mean it? - Well, hell, yeah, I mean it.

If I get enough money, I'll build a homeless shelter and maybe an animal shelter too,

you know, 'cause Duke's going to have to live somewhere else now and Fred too.

We can't have him living in the van.

Oh, that's true, pops. It's not good for our reputation.

You know, I'm so happy I'm going to buy Fred a bottle of poppy.

Hey, let's blow this joint.

Fire me up, D.T.

That's my man.

Ah, that's what I'm talking about.

One of the greatest pleasures left on earth.

- Let me try some of that, pops. - Oh.

You shouldn't smoke, son. It's bad for. I told you.

I almost hate to leave you, D.T. You know what, that homeless shelter.

We're going to save some room for you.

Oh, Max, honey.

How am I going to get my red Firebird now?

It's what I wanted for Christmas.

Oh, Santa has a little surprise for the bums next door.

Really?

Like what?

Well, their idiot mechanic came into the club last night

looking for that big sexy girl I fired.

- Large Marge? - Yeah. She was eating us out of business.

Anyway, the idiot got drunk on Santa beer and he spilled the beans to Tiny Tammy.

What are you talking about? What beans?

Well, with all that jack-hammering he did, he opened up a mess.

Their ground is completely contaminated

and who do you think, uh, notified the proper authorities?

That's right the E.P.A. man will be on site tomorrow.

Oh, my God! Max, that's the day before Christmas! Oh, I am so proud of you.

Their turkey dinner is going to turn to poop.

By the time I get done with them, they're going to want to give me their damned land.

But as for you, my dear, your red Firebird convertible.

Max! Oh, yes! Merry Christmas to me, baby.

It's all about Mimi. Yeah.

Oh, she's all mine.

She's gorgeous just like me.

Bye.

See you later, sucker! Ha!

♪ Jingle Bells... ♪

♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in A one horse open sleigh, hey! ♪

Bah-humbug!

- Pops? What's wrong? - The E.P.A. is on its way.

Our lot's contaminated. Merry Christmas, Timmy.

Well... The E.P.A.?

Will Filthy Ralph Cheeks please report to the front lot, ASAP.

- This is an emergency! - Did you call me, boss?

- Here you go, baby. - Damnit, Ralph.

You brought my whole house down! Your jack-hammering is going to wipe us off the map!

I... I'm not following you.

You uncovered underground contamination, man.

Somebody must have seen you. They have eyes everywhere.

And... that's important, why?

Just take it easy, pops. Okay? It will be okay.

♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Help me get drunk ♪

- Yeah, hello? - Hi, Tidy.

Oh! Hi, Julie.

I baked Christmas cookies for us tonight and rented A Christmas Carol to watch.

Wow!

That's... That's great, Julie.

You got any spare change, mister?

Guess what? There's Christmas presents under the tree.

Presents? Uh, under the tree?

Oh, no.

The E.P.A., man, he's back. Oh, no. He might shut us down for good.

Mr. Tim Karnes O'Hara II, we meet again.

Oh, the ghost of Christmas past, come to bury me.

Just doing my job. Where's the contamination site?

I... It's in the back.

You just rear ended my city car!

Send the bill to the fat man. He wouldn't fix my brakes.

Hey, grease monkey, my 8-track, she stopped working!

Presents?

Tidy? Are you okay?

Pops can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Come over and I'll explain, okay?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Watch the E.P.A., man.

I'll have to get my equipment. I'll be right back.

Keep your eye on him. I need to sit down.

I'm going to check out Ralph's hole before he does.

What did you do to my car?

Get out.

Oh, my God! Crapped all over my seat.

I want my 8-track fixed now.

I'll fix it tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Christmas, Jesus' birthday.

Elizabeth! Start cooking the chicken and dumplings, I'm coming home.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

- What's Digger hollering about? - I don't know, pops.

We better go check it out. Come on.

Yahoo!

They don't call me Digger for nothing. My grandfather was an oil prospector.

This isn't contamination. It's crude oil! You're sitting on top of oil, Big Tim!

- I'll be damned. - Porca, Madonna.

Well, I guess I'm not a grease monkey anymore, baby. I'm an oil monkey.

What a Christmas present!

- Just in the Saint Nic of time. - Wow!

Merry Christmas, pops! Merry Christmas!

God. Phooey!

♪ Joy to the world The Lord is king ♪

♪ Let earth receive His Grace ♪

Tidy!

Tidy!

♪ Let heaven and nature sing Let heaven and nature sing ♪

- Tidy? - Julie?

- Merry Christmas, Tidy! - Merry Christmas!

It's going to be the best Christmas ever.

God bless Tidy Tim's.

♪ Joy to the world The Lord is come ♪

♪ Let earth receive her King ♪

♪ Let every heart Prepare Him room ♪

♪ And Heaven and nature sing And Heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And Heaven and Heaven And nature sing ♪

♪ Joy to the World The Savior reigns ♪

♪ Let men their songs employ ♪

♪ Joy to the World The Savior reigns ♪

♪ Let men their songs employ ♪

♪ While fields and floods Rocks, hills and plains ♪

♪ Repeat the sounding joy Repeat the sounding joy ♪

♪ Repeat, repeat The sounding joy ♪

♪ He rules the world With truth and grace ♪

♪ And makes the nations prove ♪

♪ The light Of His righteousness ♪

♪ And wonders of His love And wonders of His love ♪

♪ And wonders of His love And wonders, wonders Of His love ♪

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

♪ Joy to the world The Lord has come ♪

♪ Let the earth Receive her king ♪

♪ Let every heart Prepare Him room ♪

♪ And Heaven and nature sing And Heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And Heaven and Heaven And nature sing ♪

♪ And Heaven and Heaven And nature sing ♪