Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

"With malice toward none, with charity for all."

Oh, that's beautiful.

I think I'll have those words engraved on my saddle.

Good morning, Ed.

Morning.

What are you all made up for?

I was reading about Abraham Lincoln.

Gee, Wilbur, I'd sure love to be like him.

You tried growing a beard?

What's the use? My whiskers grow on the wrong end.

I'm glad you feel that way about Abraham Lincoln, Ed.

We should all try to be more like him.

He said all men are created equal.

That's right.

Does that go for horses, too?

Except at the racetrack where they give odds.

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory-- ♪

Ed.

- Wilbur. - Hmm?

I picked up Kay's birthday present.

Wow.

Wait'll you see it.

Oh, that's swell.

She's always wanted a pet. She'll love this.

The man at the bird shop said it was the smartest cockatoo he had.

Listen. Happy Birthday, Kay.

Happy Birthday, Kay.

Ah... Happy Birthday, Kay.

Happy Birthday, Kay.

[squawks]

- Was it very expensive? - $15.

Awk. $15. $15.

Oh, Wilbur, that could be very embarrassing

if the bird said that in front of Kay.

Yeah. Sort of a talking price tag.

I'll fix that up.

$30. $30.

$15. $15.

[squawks]

I'll come down a little if you'll come up a little.

I'll leave her here.

We'll give it to Kay after breakfast tomorrow.

But that time, maybe I can teach it

to walk in with a birthday cake.

See you later, darling.

Okay. Come on, little guy.

Come on over here.

Got to admit it, Ed.

That's a pretty smart little bird, huh?

Well, yeah. He's a cute little fella.

[angry squawk]

Sorry, honey.

I meant a cute little miss.

Come on. Time for your bath.

Wait, Wilbur.

She, uh...

[whispers]

Oh, sorry.

- Thank you, Wilbur. - I understand.

Come on, honey. Try it again.

"Fourscore and seven years ago."

Fourscore and seven-- [squawks]

Not "awk, awk." Seven years. Years, stupid.

Uh, seven years. Years.

Yeah, that's better.

Stupid.

Don't be a wise guy.

Now let's try it again.

[squawks]

What's going on here? What are you two arguing about?

She just won't learn the Gettysburg Address.

Maybe Qshe's from Dixie.

I think she's from hunger.

Well, she won't be getting into your hair much longer, Ed.

We're giving her to Kay today.

Oh, yeah?

I hope she gets enough to eat.

What do you mean?

You know Addison's a cheapskate.

Awk. Addison's a cheapskate. Addison's a cheapskate.

Why do you teach her that?

I want the kid to know what she's up against.

There ought to be a law against talking animals.

- Oh, yeah? - [squawks]

Kay. Kay darling.

Yes?

Yes, doll?

Are you ill?

My dear, an indeterminate number of years ago,

you made your entrance into the world,

and to commemorate the happy occasion,

I hereby present you with this humble token of my affection.

Oh, Addison!

One earring?

There'll be other birthdays.

But, doll, when I checked this jewel case last night,

it had two earrings.

Give Mother.

Real diamonds.

I could cry.

Go right ahead. I cried when I signed the check.

[doorbell rings]

Darling, you stay here and continue your little cry.

I'll answer it.

- Well, hello. - Hi, Roger.

- Happy Birthday, Kay. - Thank you, Carol.

[bird squawks]

Happy Birthday, neighbor.

Thank you, Wilbur.

- Here we are. - What's that?

Wait a minute.

- Surprise for you. - Wonderful.

There we are.

A cockatoo. Oh, thank you both.

I've always wanted one.

Her name is Claudia. She's a real good talker.

Right now, she's learning the Gettysburg Address.

Better not learn this address

because she's not going to be around here very long.

But, Addison, she's so cute.

Just wait till you hear her.

She talks beautifully.

Come on, Claudia. Say something.

Addison's a cheapskate. Addison's a cheapskate.

[squawks]

Addison's a cheapskate.

As I understand it,

they repeat only what they've heard.

She didn't hear it from me.

Me, neither.

I'm no squealer.

She might've heard it down at the bird farm.

You know how those things get around.

Say "I'm sorry, Roger."

I'm sorry, Roger.

I'm sorry, Roger.

Mr. Addison to you.

[squawks] Mr. Addison's a cheapskate.

Mr. Addison's a cheapskate.

Wilbur, I'm sure that Kay appreciates

the sentiment behind this little gift,

but considering the way I feel about animals--

But, doll, this isn't an animal. It's a talking bird.

There is just one word I want to hear from it,

and that is "good-bye."

Nothing like a nice family spat to clear the air.

[door slams]

We'll exchange it for something else, Kay.

Oh, no, please.

Look, maybe if you could keep Claudia over at your place

for a little while, just till I break Addison down.

Break Addison down, break Addison down.

[squawks]

Cheapskate, cheapskate. Addison's a cheapskate.

"Our fathers brought forth on this continent

a new nation conceived in liberty."

Our fathers, our fathers.

[squawks]

Addison's a cheapskate, Addison's a cheapskate.

I know that, I know that.

But let's stick to our lesson.

Would you two cut it out? I'm trying to get some work done here.

She ought to learn that speech, Wilbur.

She's an American.

You should be teaching her "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Yeah. Why not?

[clears throat]

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

[both] ♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

Okay, okay.

If you don't cut it out, I'm going to separate you two.

That would be a mistake, Wilbur.

As Abraham Lincoln said,

"A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Ed, I warn you.

Please, Wilbur.

Let's act with malice toward none,

with charity for all.

Ed, Lincoln also said don't swap horses in midstream.

Don't tempt me, Ed. Don't tempt me.

[squawks] Don't tempt me. Don't tempt me.

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

Ed, I warned you.

[both] ♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

- Hi, Wilbur. - Hello, Kay.

Thanks so much for keeping Claudia.

Looks like you'll have to return my birthday present.

Rog just won't go for the bird, huh?

With a shotgun, yes.

My poor doll is afraid of anything that has fins, feathers, or a tail.

Heaven only knows what started this awful phobia.

Maybe when he was a kid, his teddy bear bit him.

He says that all animals are treacherous.

He really believes that?

He won't even turn his back on a piggy bank.

I'm sorry, Wilbur, but I'm afraid

you'll just have to return Claudia.

Okay, we'll get you something else. What would you like?

A man-eating lion,

and I've got just the man for him.

Well, good-bye, Claudia.

- I'll tell Carol, okay? - Okay.

Okay. Bye.

[squawks] Good-bye, Claudia. Good-bye, Claudia.

[cage rattles]

In the name of Abraham Lincoln,

I've set you free.

Ed!

What's the big idea?

In the words of Abraham Lincoln,

no nation can endure half slave, half free.

I lost 15 bucks. You know what you just did?

The world will little note

or long remember what I have done.

I have to get a horse that thinks he's Abraham Lincoln.

You won't be satisfied till you get shot.

- [Claudia squawks] - [Addison yells]

Help, help!

You beast.

You vampire.

- I'll get you for this. - What happened?

- I've been attacked. - Attacked?

Your birthday present bit me on the nose.

Wilbur, how did she escape from her cage?

It wasn't an escape. It was a liberation.

A sort of flight to freedom.

Wilbur, I warn you.

If I come down with bird poisoning, you'll hear from my lawyer.

There it goes again.

Keep it away from me.

Come on, Clyde Beatty.

Mother will bandage your nose.

You believe this?

Wilbur, why did you let the bird get away?

It wasn't me, it was Ed.

- Ed? - Yeah.

Animals always try to help each other out.

When Ed saw Claudia in that cage,

he waited his chance,

and as soon as my back was turned, jail break.

Sure. Ed slipped a file into Claudia's birdseed.

Addison's a cheapskate, Addison's a cheapskate.

Claudia, come here.

[squawks]

Where you going?

Let her go, Wilbur.

Claudia!

Now she belongs to the ages.

Addison.

Let's go to bed.

How can I go to bed

when that vulture is lurking out there waiting for me?

Doll, it isn't a vulture.

It's just a harmless little bird.

Harmless? Right now, it's flying around with a piece of my nose

in its beak.

It's stifling in here.

Please open one of the windows.

I tell you, Kay, it's out there waiting.

Isn't it ridiculous, Addison--

a grown-up man terrorized by a little household pet?

[Claudia squawks]

Addison's a cheapskate, Addison's a cheapskate.

[squawks]

It's back.

What are you doing?

Kay, I tell you, there's got to be a showdown.

It is either that monster or me.

[gun fires]

Now what happened?

That beast--

That beast tried to take the gun away from me.

[doorbell rings]

Don't answer it.

Kay, Kay. It may be a trap.

What? Do you honestly think it's Claudia?

Any bird that can talk can ring doorbells.

[doorbell rings]

What happened?

We were out on the patio, we heard a shot.

You just missed Billy the Kid's last... fight.

What are you doing back there?

Nobody believes me, but there's a vulture out there

with my name on its beak.

But, Roger, she's such a sweet, tame little bird.

Then why did it bite my nose?

She comes from South America.

She may have mistaken it for a banana.

[squawks]

There it is again. Shut that door.

Mr. Addison's a cheapskate.

Where are you going?

I'm getting out of town. I'm going to Palm Springs,

until Wilbur gets that bat back in its cage.

Roger, look, birds don't hold grudges.

Tomorrow morning, you'll go out in the garden,

and the first thing you know, she'll be eating your hand off.

Off your hand.

Meet me in the back, Kay.

If you want me, I'll be at the Casa de la Luna.

Well, on account of you, Mr. Lincoln,

Addison seceded from the neighborhood.

He did?

That's right, Abe.

He left last night for Palm Springs.

What's more, he even threatens to put his house up for sale

unless I can get Claudia back in her cage.

But, Wilbur, birds don't belong in cages.

Remember, this is America.

♪ O beautiful, for spacious skies ♪

[Ed and Claudia sing] ♪ For amber waves of grain ♪

[Claudia sings] ♪ O beautiful, for spacious skies ♪

That's where you're hiding her.

Get out of my way.

Fly north, honey. I'll fight off the rebels.

Hi, Rog?

Rog, you can come home now.

I caught Claudia and took her back to the bird farm.

She's all locked up.

She couldn't get out now

if she had a brother on the parole board.

Swell, Rog. See you when you get back.

Well, Ed, you tried to outsmart me, huh?

But I fooled you.

You can fool all of the horses part of the time,

and part of the horses all the time,

but you can't fool this horse any time.

Abe Lincoln rides again.

In the name of the great emancipator,

I hereby set all you birds free.

I do hope Kay likes this handbag we're giving her.

Kay will, but Roger might not.

- Why not? - It's alligator.

With his luck, there might be a couple of bites left in it.

What time do you think they'll be back?

Around 10:00.

I wish we'd thought of this handbag before we bought Claudia.

That's past now, isn't it?

No use crying over spilt birdseed.

Come on, kids.

Oh, boy, what a chicken outfit.

Oh, you sound hungry.

Tell you what, kids.

The Addisons are out of town.

I think their back door is unlocked.

Let's go over and raid their refrigerator.

Ready? Hup, 2, 3, 4.

Hup, 2, 3, 4.

Come on. Dig in, fellas.

There's plenty more where this came from.

"Happy Birthday, Kay.

Love, Carol and Wilbur."

She ought to love Carol and Wilbur,

considering what that bag cost.

She'll flip over it.

[squawk]

- What was that? - What?

Thought I heard a noise.

Addisons must be back. I'll be right back.

Oh, honey, I'll put on some coffee.

Invite them over. I'm sure they'd like some.

Good idea. Be right back.

What's going on here?

Just feeding a few liberty lovers.

Liberty lovers, liberty lovers.

[squawks]

Ed, you flipped. You flipped.

What are you, some kind of nut?

They were hungry, Wilbur.

[car approaches]

Excuse me.

It's Addisons.

He sees these birds here, he'll kill me.

You'll be a martyr in the cause of freedom.

Never mind that. You get these birds out of here,

and get this place cleaned up.

And go out the back way.

I'll try to stall Addison.

- Wilbur. - Out the back way.

Look, if they aren't out of here in one minute,

there'll be a new face down at the animal shelter tomorrow.

Wilbur.

Hello, kids. How was the trip?

Awful. Thanks to you, my nerves are still shattered.

He had hallucinations all the way home.

I still say I saw a flying horse in the desert.

And I still say it was a gas station.

It's nice to have you back home again.

Carol's put some coffee on. How about joining us?

Come on, doll. I'm dying for a cup.

Come on, Rog. No, thank you.

I'm exhausted. I'm going inside and go to bed.

Then I'll go alone. Excuse me.

Yeah. Look, Rog. You got to come over for a little bit.

We want you to see the surprise we got for Kay.

What is it this time, a rattlesnake or a cobra?

- Alligator. - What?

Handbag, handbag.

Come on. Rog.

Look, a nice, warm cup of coffee

after a nice, hot trip.

I told you I'm exhausted.

Wilbur, I tell you, it was awful. Just awful.

Coming through the desert,

I thought I saw--

As I was coming across the desert, I thought I saw this eagle.

Is that a chicken on your head?

No, Rog.

I need a long vacation.

Wilbur.

What ostrich?

How did you know it was an ostrich?

You just said it.

I think I'll go to bed.

Oh.

Wilbur.

I didn't think so.

I think I'll get a glass of milk and go to bed.

- I'll get it for you. - No, no, no, no.

I'll get it myself.

No penguin?

See, you're starting to improve.

Ed, I know you meant well,

but do you know what would happen

if you freed all the birds that are in cages?

What?

Some of them would starve to death,

some would fall prey to other animals.

Gee, Wilbur.

I might have Lincoln's long legs,

but I'm sure short on his brain.

Ed, you caused me a lot of trouble,

but I admire you for wanting to follow in the footsteps

of a great American like Abraham Lincoln.

Say, Wilbur, I've got four feet.

So what?

So I can follow in Washington's footsteps at the same time.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.