Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Ah, I gotta swipe me

a few apples from Addison's tree.

[sighs]

Those big ones on top look nice and juicy.

[laughs]

The perfect crime.

No fingerprints.

Good morning, Ed.

Hi, buddy-boy, buddy-buddy.

What's new?

What can be new with a horse?

I'm just standing around, eating, sleeping,

and swatting flies.

Ed, don't you sometimes wish you were a human being?

Never.

How can you beat standing around, eating, sleeping,

and swatting flies?

Well, it sure beats working, worrying, and paying taxes.

Naturally.

- Hello, Wilbur. - Hi, Rog.

I have an apple here for Mr. Ed.

Is it all right if I give it to him?

- Well, yes, but-- - But what?

Well, I always thought you didn't care for Ed.

[laughs] Whatever gave you that idea?

Here, nice horsey.

[sputters]

Hey.

What was the idea of giving my horse a wax apple?

If that plug steals any more of my apples,

you're going to have a wax horse.

- Now, just a minute. - Don't tell me he's innocent.

There are a dozen apples missing from my tree

and horseshoe prints all over the yard.

Don't tell me it was a large rabbit.

Now, that is just circumstantial evidence.

You could be hanging an innocent horse.

Oh, stop. That fat clown has eaten so many of my apples,

he's got cider coming out of his ears.

Now, Rog, don't get excited.

I'm perfectly happy to pay for the apples.

Pay? Money could never replace the blood, sweat, and tears

I put into that tree.

Do you think that you can buy everything in life with money?

No offense, Rog.

I was willing to pay a dollar an apple.

I'll take it.

Well, I didn't think you would be mean enough to take it.

I didn't think you'd be fool enough to offer it,

but I warn you.

The next time it's going to cost you $5.00 an apple.

[groans]

You heard the man. From now on he's charging me $5.00 an apple.

I can't help it, Wilbur.

I just love that man's apples.

Why does it have to be his?

If you want apples, just tell me.

I'll get you a whole sack full from the store.

But they won't be the same.

Addison's apples are different.

Different? How?

Well, it's hard to explain, Wilbur,

but once you've tasted one, you're hooked.

You just gotta have more.

Ed, be reasonable.

Try to see this from Addison's point of view.

Here's a man who spends hundreds of hours

trying to develop an apple

that has all the qualities

of the McIntosh, the Winesap, and the Pippin.

Oh, when you talk like that,

you make my mouth water.

Still at it, huh?

Uh-huh, woman's work.

Hey, look at these apples I picked up at the market.

Fifteen cents apiece.

- Aren't they beautiful? - Oh, yes.

Sorry, they're not for us.

Then who are they for?

Uh, Ed.

Ed?

You mean, every time I want an apple,

I've got to go out to the barn?

Here, be Ed's guest.

You think he can spare it?

I'm sorry, Carol,

but you know the problem we have,

Ed stealing Roger's apples.

I've got a problem stealing Ed's apples.

Carol, listen.

15 cents an apple?

Why, you can get a whole barrel full down at the feed store

for a couple of dollars.

Feed store apples-- they're for horses.

Then who is that big, fat man out in the barn

with the four legs and the tail?

Carol, try to understand.

Once and for all, we've got to cure Ed

of stealing Roger's apples.

Do you have to cure him with 15-cent apples?

There's a reason for that.

You see, if he keeps stealing Roger's apples,

they're going to cost us $5.00 a piece,

so actually we are saving money.

[chuckles]

Come on, Ed. These are good apples.

They cost 15 cents apiece.

Ed, these are wonderful apples.

They're Jonathans.

I want Addison's.

What's the difference?

An apple is an apple. Here.

You don't satisfy a craving for caviar with herring.

Look, do you want these apples or don't you?

They don't do a thing for me.

Oh, please, Wilbur,

I've got to have an Addison apple real bad.

Ed, you have got to fight this craving for his apples.

Okay, but when I'm fighting,

can you get me one to chew on?

- No. - Please.

Please, Wilbur, please.

Please, Wilbur, just one Addison apple,

one for the road.

Ed, I am going to have to cure you the hard way.

I'm going to lock you in here

so you won't be tempted

to sneak into Addison's yard.

But you can't cut me off cold.

Can't I taper off?

Taper off?

Yeah, cut me down to ten apples a day,

then five a day,

then three,

then one,

then back to ten.

- No. - Oh, I love Addison's apples.

Ed, there's only one way to break a habit,

and that's to stop it cold.

- [Ed groans] - Get in there.

What are you doing, doll?

Baking a cake.

Well, as long as you're baking,

how about taking a cheesecake picture?

Make sure you get my legs.

Kay, the only limbs I'm interested in

are those with apples on them.

You are getting older.

I'm taking an inventory

of every apple on this tree.

If that horse of Wilbur's steals any more of these,

it's going to cost him $5.00 apiece.

Uh-huh.

Kay, you're hiding the tree.

Well, wouldn't you like at least one shot of me?

No, the horse steals only apples, not wives.

Kay, please, huh?

[Ed chewing]

What have you got in your mouth?

- What mouth? - Your mouth.

What are you chewing?

Ch-Chewing?

Let me smell your breath.

Uh-huh.

That smells like apple.

Eh, it does, huh?

Probably one of Addison's. Where did you get it?

It's from this morning.

I had it stashed for a nightcap.

Oh, you did.

How many more have you got hidden around here?

Uh, how many more what?

Oh, never mind.

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

Uh-huh.

False bottom in the feed bag, huh?

I've been framed.

We've got three in here.

Oh, Ed.

Drawers are too easy for you.

So that's where my tape disappeared to, huh?

Where else have you hidden them?

This is America.

You can't make a horse testify against himself.

Why are you standing over here by the window?

Uh-Uh-Uh, just cooling off a little.

Uh-huh. Step aside, please.

Stand back.

Mm-hm.

Ed, you need help.

Tomorrow I'm going to take you to see an animal psychiatrist.

Uh, to a head shrinker?

For a few measly apples?

Look, it isn't just a few measly apples, Ed.

Do you realize what's happened?

You've become a--

an apple-holic.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Sorry, I don't have my watch.

Excuse me.

Do you have the time?

Oh, certainly.

It's exactly 12:04.

Oh, better make that 12:05.

Oh, it's past Jacques' lunchtime,

and he's getting fidgety.

He's very cute.

He's very disturbed.

Oh, what seems to be wrong?

He keeps biting my husband.

Oh, that's too bad.

Do you know why?

Oh, Dr. Griffith said

it's just because he's trying to get attention.

Oh.

What is your husband doing about it?

He's taking tetanus shots.

Well, I think he'll outgrow it.

I'm not so sure.

If he hasn't gotten over the fear of dogs by now,

I'm afraid he never will.

I wouldn't worry, my dear.

Dr. Griffith is wonderful with animals.

He says a few more treatments,

and Agnes will overcome her fear of mice.

A cat afraid of mice?

Faints.

Doctor says she was probably frightened by a mouse

when she was a little kitten,

and you know how these childhood phobias hang on.

Oh, yes.

My horse was perfectly normal until now.

Oh, what's wrong with him?

Split personality.

He thinks he's Apple Annie.

So, you see, Mr. Cesano,

there's really nothing wrong with your parrot.

[Italian accent] But I don't understand it, doctor.

She's born right here in this-a country.

Why does she talk with an accent?

Yes.

[Dr. Griffith] Mr. Post, I believe you're next.

Thank you, Doctor.

Is, uh, this the patient?

Yes, I hope he's not too big for your couch.

[mock chuckles]

Just have him wait here. Will you step in, please?

Yes.

Uh.

Hold that, huh?

Won't be too long.

Now, what was the problem, Mr. Post?

Well, it's rather unusual, doctor.

Unusual?

Yes.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away,

but here I am.

I don't understand.

Well, it's about my horse.

You see, he's a compulsive apple eater.

There's nothing unusual about that, Mr. Post.

All horses love apples.

Well, he doesn't love all apples,

just the ones off my neighbor's tree.

Oh, I see.

Have you tried loading some of the apples with pepper?

That ought to discourage him.

Pepper?

No, I couldn't do that to Ed.

You see, he hates practical jokes.

Once--

...as a gag,

I took his television set out of the barn.

When he came back, he was--

J-Just a moment, Mr. Post.

You say your horse has a television set?

Yeah. Well, he spent so much time alone in the barn

that he got tired of his record player.

Record player.

You did say your horse had the problem.

Yeah.

He steals my neighbor's apples.

Mr. Post, I think that you're needlessly concerned.

You see, a horse has no sense of right or wrong.

It's not unusual for him to take an apple

off a branch that's within easy reach.

Oh, well, they're not all within easy reach.

He gets the good ones off the top.

Mr. Post, are you trying to tell me

that your horse climbs trees?

Of course not.

A horse can't climb trees.

What kind of animals do climb trees, Mr. Post?

A cat?

Good. Good.

Thank you.

This is an obsession with him, this apple stealing,

and you know what he does with them after he swipes them?

No, what?

Hides them all around the barn.

Yesterday I found one under a picture frame,

another -one was taped under a table,

and he fixed up a secret compartment

in the bottom of his feed bag.

Mr. Post, let's be honest with each other.

Your horse doesn't have a problem.

You're just using him as a front.

Front?

You're a compulsive drinker,

and you're too embarrassed to go to a people psychiatrist.

You don't believe me.

I certainly do not.

All right, doctor.

Have it your way,

but when my horse ends up on skid row,

I hope you can sleep nights.

I still don't like the idea

of putting pepper in that apple.

If Roger finds out, he'll be furious.

I'm just fixing this juicy beauty

that I know Ed will go for.

Hand me the funnel, dear.

Thank you.

Now the pepper, please.

- Here. - Thank you.

[chuckles]

The psychiatrist said this would be a sure cure.

I hate to do this to Ed,

but he's got to learn once and for all

that crime does not pay.

Pepper in apples.

How naive.

Thank you.

Now we'll just put this little piece of apple back,

and Ed will never know the difference.

Honey, the Addisons will be back any minute.

I'm getting nervous.

Carol, if I ever pull a bank job,

remind me to leave you at home.

Maybe I just wasn't cut out to be a gun moll.

Here. I'll be at the house.

Chicken.

[sneezing]

I still think it's ridiculous

running all over town

for some dried-up old leaves.

These are not just dried-up old leaves.

This happens to be scientifically prepared peat moss,

and you can't find a better fertilizer.

Well, and maybe if I dabbed a little behind my ears,

I'd get some attention around here, too.

Kay, you have no idea what a tremendous feeling of satisfaction it is

creating a beautiful fruit tree

out of just a handful of seed,

a little mulching, a little love.

Well, I have need for love.

How about a little mulching for me?

Darling, uh...

What are you doing, Addison?

Uh-oh.

For you, my dear.

Why don't you give it to me for my birthday?

Darling, you don't know what you're missing.

[gasping]

Oh, what's the matter, Addison?

Oh--

What's the matter?

Oh, what happened, doll?

[Wilbur] Roger, what's wrong?

[stammers]

- That apple. - Apple?

I think his tree turned on him.

What-- Oh.

Oh-- Roger, I'm sorry.

- That's all my fault. - Your fault?

- Well, the psychiatrist's. - What psychiatrist?

Ed's.

Your horse has a psychiatrist?

No, no, no, you see,

we were trying to discourage Ed from swiping your apples, Dr. Griffith and I,

and the thought suddenly came up-- why not put a lot of pepper

into one of Mr. Addison's apples so when the horse comes over--

Out.

Well, theoretically it was a great idea.

Out!

Maybe you better go home till he cools off.

Roger--

- Out? - Out.

Be back in a year or two.

Oh, he meant well, doll.

Kay, it's that horse of his.

I have had it. I'm going to call my lawyer right now.

Oh, now, Addison.

I am going to take legal steps

and make him get rid of that four-legged Jesse James.

Well, looks as though Addison means business.

I have a subpoena charging you with trespassing

and being a public nuisance.

We'd better ask for a mixed jury, Wilbur.

Half horses.

I know what you mean.

I'm back to eating plain old apples, Wilbur.

Did you tell him?

I tried to, but he won't talk to me.

Well, uh, maybe if you invited him over for dinner tonight.

No, that wouldn't be a smart idea.

Why not?

Carol's serving pepper steak.

Oh. Well, maybe if you got him some little gift.

He doesn't want a little gift.

All he's interested in

is his apple tree.

Wait a minute.

You just gave me a great idea.

A great idea.

Uh, swell.

I give him a great idea,

and he don't even tell me what it is.

[booming]

[alarm blaring]

[Addison] What is this? What's going on here?

[Kay] It's Wilbur.

[sighs] Wilbur, I told you not to do it.

Not to do what?

I told you to keep off my property.

What are you trying to do, steal my whole tree?

No, I did not come here to steal a tree, Roger.

I came here to give you a tree.

What?

Well, why--

Hey, this is from the malus baccata family.

Oh, and a healthy little fella.

Well, I certainly do appreciate this, Wilbur,

but why didn't you bring it around to the front door?

Well, I thought I'd plant it here

and surprise you.

Then when you came out in the morning,

it would be kind of, well,

as if your tree had a baby.

Well, thank you, Wilbur. Thank you very m--

Why, it's beautiful. It-- It's just beautiful.

That's all I needed around here--

another tree full of tempting Addison apples.

Oh, my,

a horse just never wins.

Ed, it's been a week now

since you gave up eating Addison's apples.

That shows great character.

I'm proud of you.

Well, I knew if I didn't go on the wagon,

I'd wind up pulling one.

I admire your will power.

Tell me, what do you do now

when you get a craving for one of Addison's apples?

Oh, I just reach for a pear.

- A pear? - Yeah.

Wait a minute. Where'd you get a pear around here?

[clears throat]

The only pear tree is in Mr. Simon's house behind us,

and he--

Oh, no.

Well, I guess I'm back to hay again.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.