Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ç♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

[Ed] ♪ This is the way we shine our shoes ♪

♪ Every chance we get ♪

I've told you 100 times not to use this.

You're going to ruin that machine.

I was just sprucing up for my date tonight.

Next, you'll be wanting

Oh, no. I'm growing a beard.

My little filly likes to sing along with Ed.

You really look forward to going on these moonlight rides, huh?

Yes, sir.

Your riding club ought to have them more than once a month.

So you can see more of that cute little French filly Gigi?

Ooh-la-la.

She's got a figure

that should be on the cover of Playhorse magazine.

Come on in your stall. Come on.

Ah, Gigi.

Go on, go on.

Hypnotism Made Easy.

Where'd you get this book?

I sent away for it.

Figured I'd try it on Gigi tonight.

Ed, hypnotism is a very serious thing.

It's not for amateurs.

Who says she's an amateur?

Hm, you shine your shoes,

but you won't let me shine mine.

- Wilbur. - Yeah?

Kay just dropped in.

She and Roger had another one of their quarrels.

Oh?

I told them that we'd take them to a movie tonight.

- Okay? - Tonight?

No, I don't think so.

This is the night my riding club meets.

Oh, you can skip it for one night.

No, I can't.

It's the moonlight ride we have once a month.

Ed's been looking forward--

I've been looking forward to it.

When was the last time we've been out in the moonlight?

You don't belong to the club.

Not that you have to.

It's a bunch of fellas with their horses.

They go out riding...

I'm glad we never fight, honey.

Sit down, Wilbur.

I think it's time we had a little talk.

Listen, Carol--

- Sit. - Sit.

Wilbur, if I asked you a question,

would you give me an honest Ñanswer?

Sure. What do you want to know?

The truth.

If that horse and I were drowning,

who would you save?

That's a silly question.

You know what a good swimmer Ed is.

Oh, what's the use?

That horse has you hypnotized.

All right, Carol, you win, you win, you win.

I'll take you to the movies tonight.

Are you sure Ed can spare you?

Oh, look, dear, I know I've been neglectful,

but from now on, it'll just be you and me

and the moonlight. Okay?

Okay.

[mocking Carol] That horse has you hypnotized.

That horse has you hypnotized.

[normal voice] Hey, why not?

For once, that blonde gave me a good idea.

"Animals have been known to hypnotize human beings.

"There are accounts of African natives

who have been transfixed by the stare of a lion."

[Wilbur whistling]

Uh-oh. Here he comes.

If this works, Wilbur won't be leaving me alone tonight.

Hi, Ed.

Carol and I will be leaving in a minute.

Anything I can do before we go?

Uh, yeah, Wilbur. One little thing.

I've got something in my left eye, Wilbur.

Will you take it out?

Sure thing. Sure.

Ed, I hope you're not too disappointed

in my calling off our moonlight ride tonight.

Why, no, Wilbur.

A wife comes before a horse.

That's the law of the jungle.

I don't see anything in your eye, Ed.

Look closer, Wilbur.

Closer.

Keep looking in my eye, Wilbur.

Keep looking.

Are you looking in my eye?

I'm looking in your eye.

When I count 3,

you will fall into a deep sleep.

I will fall into a deep sleep.

1, 2, 3.

[Ed laughs]

Looks like he's under.

I'd better test.

- Wilbur. - Yes?

You're a chicken.

Flap your wings.

We could use some eggs for breakfast,

but I haven't got the heart.

Wilbur.

Yes?

When it's time to go to the movie,

you won't be able to get out of your chair.

Repeat.

I won't be able to get out of my chair.

Yeah. When I count 3,

you will wake up.

1, 2, 3.

I don't see anything in your eye, Ed.

It must have been my imagination.

Okay. See you later.

Enjoy the movie, Wilbur.

[clucks like a chicken]

While I had him under,

I should have hit him up for a few carrots.

Sorry I took so long, kids.

Oh, dear, I hope we don't miss the beginning of the picture.

Let's go in our car. It's parked in the street.

All right.

Coming, Wilbur?

I can't get up.

Are you all right?

I'm all right.

I just can't seem to get out of this chair.

This hypnosis really works.

Ed, you're a devil.

Oh, come on, Wilbur.

You got your laugh. Now let's get started.

Help me.

I think it's fallen asleep.

What's fallen asleep?

Guess.

I can't get out.

Do you think it's a muscle cramp?

Could be his sacroiliac.

Maybe he's wearing magnetic shorts.

Hey, girls.

I'll hold the chair in back, and you pull from the front.

All right.

Come on, Wilbur, try.

Oh, thank goodness.

I can't get out.

It's a trick.

He just wants me to leave

so he can go on that moonlight ride with that precious horse.

That's not true.

Oh, I did so want to catch this picture.

They say there's a scene in a Paris dress shop--

Move over, Wilbur. I'm with you.

Never mind. I'll go without you, Diamond Jim.

Come on, Kay.

- But, Carol. - Kay, be reasonable.

Are you going to open that joint checking account,

or do I go alone?

Enjoy the picture, my dear.

All right, Wilbur, they've gone.

You can stop playing games and take your horse rowing

or whatever you were going to do.

I am not playing games.

I can't get out of the chair.

If I were you, I'd call a surgeon

and have that thing removed.

Now, Roger, I am not playing ga--

Hi, Ed.

Well, I thought you went to the movies.

No, I had a little fight with Carol,

so she went by herself.

Oh, what a shame.

Looks like we'll have to go on that moonlight ride after all.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Ed, the strangest thing happened.

I sat down on the chair,

and you won't believe this, but I couldn't get up again.

- No? - Yeah.

I can't understand how--

Hypnotism Made Easy.

No, no, no.

"Animals have been known to hypno--"

So you had something in your eye, did you?

It was only a little joke, Wilbur.

You aren't a horse, you're a witch.

A Svengali.

I'm sorry, Trilby.

Uh, Wilbur.

I didn't think it would work.

Oh, you didn't, huh?

No. You just happen to have a weak head.

You are liable to have a weak tail

when I get through with you.

Of all the lowdown tricks.

You know, Carol may never talk to me again.

Look, Wilbur, I like talking with you,

but if we don't get started, we'll be late for that ride.

I'm staying home,

so if you're worried about being late,

you better take a taxi.

You enjoy the picture last night, dear?

That bad, huh?

They don't make them the way they used to.

That's just as well because they used to be terrible.

Right, dear?

[clears throat]

You know what I've always admired about you, Carol?

You are so pretty in the morning.

And that's the test of a real beauty,

if she's pretty in the morning.

How does your horse look in the morning?

Terrible.

His eyes are all bloodshot,

his tail is snarled. He's a mess.

Ooh!

I'm hungry.

Before you fell in love with your horse,

you should have found out if he could cook.

Look, honey, about last night,

I didn't take Ed out.

You didn't take me out, either.

You ran out of the house.

Only because I got tired of playing musical chairs.

About last night, Carol.

You know, the strangest thing happened.

I sat down in the chair, and all of a sudden,

I must've had a muscle spasm or something,

because I had a sudden pain.

You know something?

You're not going to believe this,

but when I tried to get up, I sud--

Just the way I like it.

Kay, I'm so glad you're not angry with me about last night.

How was the picture?

Oh, you wouldn't have liked the show anyway, doll.

It was a woman's picture. Oh, what a performance.

It wouldn't surprise me if she gets an Academy Award.

Who was she?

I don't remember her name.

But you should've seen her at the opening,

when she comes into the hotel

wearing a tangerine vicuña coat

with a gorgeous, wide, blue fox collar

and a fabulous Princess Toya hat

trimmed with gold sequins.

Tell me more. You've got my tongue hanging out.

There on the floor,

she saw a handsome man who had just been murdered.

Who was he?

He was the fella who had been dating the girl

in the black brocade sheath

with the white organdy trim.

He had it coming to him.

Addison, guess what.

I checked all over town this morning,

and I finally found a place that sells those vicuña coats.

Don't you ever go to see a John Wayne picture?

Doll, we're going to the bank right after breakfast

and open that joint checking account.

Over my blue serge, single-breasted, pearl-buttoned body.

I'm tired of being doled out an allowance like a chi֒ld.

If I have to, I'll go out and earn my own money.

Oh, you don't think I could go out and work, do you?

No.

Kay, you are a model wife, but not a working model.

Wilbur, if Kay can go out and work,

I don't see any reason why I can't.

But you don't have to.

You already have a joint checking account.

Also a joint husband account.

With a horse.

You know, maybe if I weren't around here

to wait on you hand and foot, you just may realize

that a wife is just as important as a horse.

Honey, you are as important.

More important than a horse.

If I'm not home by 6:00,

he can fix you something out of the refrigerator.

Well, good morning, buddy boy.

Buddy, buddy, buddy.

Don't you "buddy buddy buddy boy" me.

Thanks to you, Carol's out working,

and I've got to do housework.

Don't yell at me.

I'm just a poor, dumb beast.

Dumb? Dumb like a fox.

You started that fight between Carol and me.

One more word, and I'll go home to my mother.

Stop with that sympathy bit.

Maybe I'll hit the road.

Ride the rods, or go door-to-door bumming hay.

Good. Why don't you start now

so you can get home in time for dinner?

Wife lover.

[hums]

What are you doing, practicing judo?

This darn ironing board has three legs.

I don't know how Carol gets it to stick.

I just came over to borrow some furniture polish, little mother.

It's in one of those drawers, Grandmother.

I don't know if this was such a great idea,

letting our wives go to work.

They've only been on the job three days.

You mark my words.

By the end of the week, they'll be ready to throw in the towel.

And I'll have to iron it.

I don't know.

I still don't like the idea

of Carol working in a department store.

I make enough to support the two of us.

They took these jobs as salesgirls on purpose,

knowing we'd ask them to quit, but we're going to fool them.

You know why?

Because you want your wife to support you.

Not true. I want Kay to learn the value of a dollar.

Then perhaps I will let her share in my checking account.

I wish I could convince Carol that I think more of her

than I do of my horse.

I have a radical suggestion.

Send your horse out to work, and keep your wife home.

Oh.

How clever.

Why don't you wax the floor while you're down there?

How's that for a meatball, Rog?

Stick a couple of holes in it,

and you can go bowling.

If you don't like my cooking, you can go home to your wife.

Don't be so sensitive.

Get that can of tomatoes open, will you, please,

before my spaghetti is done.

The Brinks mob couldn't open this can.

I still say you should make the meat sauce

before you make the spaghetti.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

You put the meat sauce on top of the spaghetti, don't you?

- Yeah. - All right.

If you put the meat sauce on top of the spaghetti,

the spaghetti has to be there first, right?

Wilbur, it still isn't too late

to make hot dogs with beans.

I don't run that kind of kitchen.

Please get the can open, will you?

The girls will be home any minute, and they'll want their dinner.

I got to see how those kitchen commandos are doing.

This is ridiculous.

I got to get Carol back.

My mother didn't raise her son to be a daughter.

I can get Kay back anytime

by offering her a joint checking account,

but you have a much deeper problem.

You will always have trouble

as long as you have that horse around.

Oh, you think so?

[Ed cries]

I couldn't open this can with a blowtorch.

You need a little ingenuity.

Stand back, will you, boy? Stand back.

One deft blow.

Kay, maybe we shouldn't have quit the jobs.

I think our husbands were weakening.

So were my arches.

Oh!

Mine, too.

I'm bushed from trying to outrun that fresh floorwalker.

Me, too.

High heels just don't stand a chance against track shoes.

Well, shall we go in and take our medicine?

Might as well. My pill will be waiting for me.

How's the spaghetti coming?

I guess it should be a little looser, huh, Rog?

I haven't had a decent meal since Kay went to work.

Now you've ruined this one.

All right, throw me out of the chefs' union.

[sighs]

- Addison. - Kay.

Kay, you can have your joint checking account.

Quit your job. Come home and cook me a decent meal right now.

For the first time in my life, I have to admit this--

- I need you. - You do?

Oh, boy, do I need you.

Why, doll!

- Honey, I-- - Carol, I--

What he says goes for me. I want you at home.

Oh, Wilbur, do you really?

Look at this. Spaghetti on a stick.

About me spending so much time with Ed--

Oh, Wilbur, I was being very childish.

I shouldn't be jealous of your horse.

Oh, honey,

Mister Ed should be my worst competitor.

No, you're right. You're my wife, and from now on,

I'm going to give you my undivided attention.

I'll start your dinner.

Dinner! I'll be right back.

I forgot to feed Ed.

Well, I guess this is it.

Good-bye, old buddy.

I'm going to take your picture with me.

I always want to have the memories of the happy years

we spent together.

I love you, Wilbur,

and I don't want to be the cause of your unhappiness.

So it's good-bye. Auf wiedersehen.

Sayonara.

[Ed sobs]

- Ed, wait a minute. - Oh, Wilbur.

Don't leave.

I love you, too.

Oh, you ought to hate me.

No, Ed. No matter what you did,

I could never hate you.

You mean too much to me.

Wilbur, I've got a confession to make.

You have?

When I made that beautiful speech just now,

I knew you were standing behind me.

Oh, you big phony!

Ed, I will tell you again. You're wrong.

Carol is very fond of you.

That's hard to believe.

Wilbur, dinner's ready.

Oh, fine.

It's your favorite, pot roast.

Wonderful.

I brought a little something for Mister Ed, too.

Some carrots.

- See, I told you. - Told me what?

Oh, that pot roast is my favorite.

Here, Mister Ed.

That's a boy.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Oh, all right.

Here. Have some more.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.