Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Your breakfast, sir.

[yawns]

Thank you, boy.

You know, I feel ridiculous, but I made a bet and I lost,

so here's your Sunday breakfast in bed.

Let's get a little light in here.

I want to see what you brought me.

Well, I'm sure you'll like it.

I have radishes and apples, sliced carrots, celery,

turnips, and two lumps of sugar without the coffee.

Uh-huh, yeah, excellent.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, just a minute, boy.

I got a little something for you.

A dollar tip?

Where did you get money?

Your wife isn't the only one who goes through your pockets.

- I never should bet with you. - Hey.

But, you know, when we were watching that race on television

and we each picked a horse, I was sure mine would win.

He was the favorite.

Ah, Wilbur, you'll never learn.

It's bad enough to bet with people on horses,

but never bet with a horse on a horse.

Oh, you're right.

Ah, I'm really going to enjoy this Sunday.

After breakfast, I'm going right back to bed.

Well, that was part of the bet. I promised you Sunday off.

And it wasn't easy, you know.

You see, ever since Jacqueline Kennedy's picture

appeared in the paper on a horse,

women all over have started hunt clubs.

Even Kay and Carol started one.

They wanted to use you this morning.

Use me?

Oh, on my day off, I wouldn't even allow

little Caroline on my back.

Boy, you are lazy.

Never mind. Just feed me the carrots.

Yes, master.

You know, there used to be a saying--

work like a horse. I'd like to live like one.

Huh?

Uh, Wilbur, I'm waiting.

What for?

- The rest of the bet, please. - Rest?

Ooh, yes. Sure, sure.

[clears throat]

Well...

Little Orphan Annie and Sandy, you know,

are hanging over the cliff when Daddy...

Ed? Ed?

Ed, what are you doing down there?

[Ed grunts]

What a silly question.

Until you woke me up, I was sleeping.

Is that all you're going to do today?

Well, it's my day off.

I'm just going to eat and sleep.

Eat and sleep.

That's going to get a little monotonous.

Well, if it does, I won't eat and sleep.

I'll change it. I'll sleep and eat.

Agh.

Ah.

No sugar, Carol.

Oh, but, Kay, you always take sugar.

But if I want to look like

Jacqueline Kennedy in a riding habit,

first I have to break the eating habit.

[Carol chuckles]

Oh, the hunt club sounds like such fun.

I can't understand why Wilbur won't join.

I thought you were going to work on him last night.

I did.

I put on my prettiest hostess gown,

daubed perfume behind my ears,

sat in his lap, and kissed him.

And he still said no?

Only to the hunt club.

How did you do with Roger?

I sat on his lap last night, too.

Did you make an impression?

I'll say.

I crushed his Wall Street Journal.

You mean Roger isn't interested in the hunt club, either?

Not yet,

but you know, there might be a chance he's with us.

I told him how handsome he'd look in a hunting outfit.

Good morning, Kay.

- Hi there, Wilbur. - Hi, hon.

Darling, I hate to keep nagging about the hunt club, but--

Come on. Sit on my knee.

Nobody nags the way you do.

Wilbur, be serious.

You know, this hunt club is just a fad.

You two girls have been copying Jacqueline Kennedy again.

Wilbur, you'd look elegant in a hunting outfit.

That's true.

But it's not going to get me into one.

See, that's where we men are different.

We're not like a bunch of sheep following every fashion trend.

We're individuals. We think for ourselves.

We-- We--

Tally ho.

Did anybody call a cab?

Wilbur is just jealous, Roger.

I'm so glad you decided to join our club.

Oh, doll, I could kiss you.

Since I am the first masculine member of the club,

I have decided to be hound master.

I also have a bugle.

That bugle will blow, and I think I will. Bye.

Oh, Wilbur, why are you being so obstinate?

After all, Roger, Kay, and I have to rent horses.

You have Mister Ed.

Well, it's Ed's day off.

Day off from what?

Uh--

The way you pamper him,

I'm surprised you don't push him around in a baby carriage.

Well, Ed is our first horse.

I think it's a shame

the way you let that horse wrap you around his tail.

Now, honey.

I admit that Ed doesn't do the things I tell him

and that he likes to lie around the barn and eat

and sleep.

Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep and eat and sleep.

And I'm going to join that hunt club of yours.

Ed, I--

Ed, where are you?

Ed?

Now where is that lazy horse?

[snoring]

My little cucaracha, I have news for you.

You will wake up, yes.

I will wake up, no.

If you only want to know who has a siesta

before taking a nap--

Come on, Ed. Get up out of there.

Come on. Get up out of there, Ed.

Look at this pillow.

[Ed grunts]

Ed, I know I promised you could take the day off,

but I have just joined the hunt club.

Uh, that's good.

Now, go hunt for a horse.

Oh, come on, Ed. Come on.

[Ed groans]

It's about time you did something around here.

I feed you and I take care of you

and I'm going to ride you.

Wilbur, check with me on Monday

when I'm open for business.

Oh, Ed, you'll love it,

running through those fields, jumping the fences,

galloping across the meadows.

Hold it. Hold it. Let's get back to those fences.

Which one of us is going to jump them?

Both of us.

And don't tell me to get on the bottom.

And how high are the fences?

Ooh, about 4 or 5 feet.

Oi.

Look, Ed, what are you? Scared? Yellow?

Frightened? A coward?

I'm in there someplace.

Darling, may I please have the checkbook?

Kay and I are going to pick up our riding habits.

You know, this is getting to be expensive.

I wonder if Lady Godiva's husband had a checkbook.

Well, I suppose I could save some money

if you wanted me to wear the same kind of outfit she did.

Oh, no, we're after foxes, not wolves.

I've got a wonderful man.

Tell him I paid for the outfit.

Tally ho, dear.

Ed, I've had enough of this.

Carol has her heart set on the hunt club,

and so you and I are going to go out--

Oh, no.

[snoring]

No matter what I have to do,

you are going to learn to jump.

All right, come on. Off your enchilada.

Up. Rise and shine. Come on.

There is a picture of the first lady.

You notice how relaxed she is as she takes that high jump?

Yeah, she's relaxed,

but that horse sure looks nervous.

Oh, Ed, you are going to try this.

It's only 2 feet high, all right?

Now, go.

Ed, I said go.

Oh, come on, Ed, go.

It takes me a little time to get my motor running.

You are not getting out of this.

Okay, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right.

Raise that bar 2 more feet.

All right.

All right, Ed.

And now raise it 1 more foot.

Good boy.

Here you are, Ed.

That's fine.

Now I can walk under it.

Oh, no.

Look, will you jump over it if I promise to catch you?

Wilbur, I can't jump.

Now, don't say that. Think positive.

All right, I'm positive I can't jump.

I'll show you myself how easy it is.

Now, give me some room. Stand back.

Now, there's nothing to be afraid of, Ed.

I wouldn't ask you to do anything

that I wouldn't do myself.

Now, the main principle in jumping

is get plenty of speed and leap, leap.

The main thing is to have confidence.

If you're sure of yourself, that's all you need to know.

Okay, now. Give me a good start, will you?

Just say go.

Go.

I give up.

What's the name of the game we're playing?

I was teaching my horse to jump.

What horse?

Ed.

I don't see him.

Well, he was just here.

Wilbur, I have news for you.

Your horse isn't here, and you're not all there.

Ed, down at the camera store,

they told me this was a film of horses jumping.

Once you've seen it,

you'll have all the confidence you need.

Ho-hum.

Now, don't be stubborn. Turn around.

You know I can't watch a movie without popcorn.

Ed, stop acting like a child.

Now, watch.

See how simple it is, Ed?

You just tuck the front legs under

and let your powerful haunches

lift you lightly and gracefully over the obstacle,

clearing it neatly as you--

[Ed] Ha ha.

Uh-oh.

Ow.

That's supposed to give me confidence?

I didn't know it was a steeple chase.

At least I hope you noticed their form.

Yeah, I saw their form.

It's sprawled all over the track.

Hey, Ed, look, a fox hunt is different.

Okay, let the foxes do the jumping,

and they can chase me.

The first lady started this jumping fad.

The whole country's going for it.

And this afternoon, you are jumping.

If the first lady wants to ride,

why doesn't she ride a car or a bike

or roller skates or an elephant?

I got to get her off this horse kick,

or all my grandchildren will have flat feet.

[Woman] Operator.

Operator, get me

the White House in Washington, D.C.

White House.

Hello, is the lady of the house in?

Who's calling, please?

Honey, you're better off not asking

because you'd never believe it.

I must have your name, sir.

Okay, it's Ed.

Your last name?

In my family, we only have first names.

Sir, I'm very busy. We really can't waste any time.

Look, lady, I happen to represent

a very large group in this country.

Who?

Horses.

Horses?

I represent the horses of America.

What is it you want to discuss with the lady of the house?

I just want to tell her to stop what she's doing

because we won't stand for it.

I think I'm going to switch this one to the Secret Service.

This TWIX just came in from Washington.

We have to check out a local crank.

Another old lady wants Pasadena to secede from the Union?

No, this one's worse.

Some guy named Post called the White House.

Says he represents the horses of America.

[chuckles]

That's quite a riding outfit.

Thank you.

I just want you to know that for the first time,

I am going riding without you.

You're going to look awful silly

jumping over those fences without a horse.

Well, I have news for you, Ed. I don't need you.

I've hired some horses,

and they're in front of the house right now.

Uh, Wilbur,

that's a pretty nasty thing to do to those horses.

What is?

Horses are made for eating and sleeping,

not for jumping fences.

Tally ho.

Girls, we're ready. What's holding you up?

[Carol] We'll be right down.

I can't get over that snappy outfit, Rog.

One look at you, and the fox will jump right into your lap.

When I was a bachelor,

that wasn't all that jumped into my lap.

When you were a bachelor--

♪ [trumpet]

Excuse me, ladies.

Carol! Kay!

The president's wife and sister are down here.

Wilbur, it's me.

No.

Oh.

[chuckles]

What did the wig cost?

$175.

It's revolting on you.

- I rented it for $5.00. - You look great.

Look, I'll get my camera and meet you out front.

I want a picture of the fox laughing himself to death.

Those poor horses.

I'm not going to let them jump any fences.

What did the neighbor say about Post's character?

That's it. They said he's a character.

He must be, having an office in the barn.

Maybe he thinks he's a horse.

This must be the phone he used to make the call.

We better bug this place

and drive around front so we can listen in on our boy.

I'm striking a blow for freedom.

Take the day off.

Giddy-up. Go. Live.

Now I know how Abe Lincoln felt.

The horses.

Where--

That must be the kook.

He's on his way to the barn.

Better flip on the switch.

Ed, admit it.

You got rid of those three out front, didn't you?

I sure did, and I don't care how many more you hire.

I'll get rid of them, too.

Bob, this may be bigger than we thought.

Nothing is going to help you. You are going through with it.

I am not. It's too dangerous.

If you don't, I'll get rid of you

the same way you got rid of them.

I think we've heard enough.

Let's go.

Uh, Wilbur, let's stop arguing. I'm not jumping.

Let's face it. I got a horse that's part chicken.

That's right.

Hmm, well, I'm going to phone the stable

and get four more horses.

Who are you calling?

Well, I was just calling the stable

because we need a horse.

Matter of fact, we need four horses because we're--

The Secret Service?

The Secret Service.

All right, where is he?

- Where's who? - The other man.

There was another man in here?

Sure.

I'll help you look.

Two men in here.

- Two men now? - Yeah.

Well, who was the first one?

- You. - Me?

- Well, who are we looking for? - The other man.

What other man?

Ed, the fellow you threatened to get rid of.

Now, where is he?

- Ed? - Yes.

He's in the stall.

There's nobody in here. What did you do with him?

Nothing. He's standing there staring at you.

The horse?

Yes.

Now, what is this all about?

Somebody used this phone to call Washington

to talk to the First Lady.

[Wilbur] Oh.

Are you sure it was made on that phone?

Yes, Mr. Post, and you're in trouble

unless you can explain that call.

Well, it's, um- It's not going to be easy.

It never is.

The call might have been made on this phone,

- but I didn't make it. - Then who made it?

That's the part that's not going to be easy.

Try us.

Well, you're not going to believe this

because nobody would believe it.

Go on, Mr. Post.

My horse made that phone call.

Why did you say nobody would believe that?

Then you believe it?

Well, we're listening anyway.

But it's true.

My horse talks.

Oh, well, that's easy.

All we have to do is hear him talk.

Go ahead, horse. Say something.

Oh, it's no use. He only talks to me.

Then you ask him to say something.

All right. Ed.

Please?

Oh, I forgot. He's mad at me.

That sounds reasonable.

Look, gentlemen, it's true.

My-- My horse made that phone call.

Sure, sure.

But there's just one little thing that bothers me.

How did he dial? With his tail?

Oh, no, not with his tail.

That's funny, but no, no, no. Here.

Oh, you see, this is how he does it.

He picks the phone up with his teeth, like this.

And he puts it down.

Then he takes the pencil in his mouth,

and he just dials the number.

He just dials the number, like that.

I know this looks strange to you,

but aside from my horse,

we're just a peaceful, average American family.

Wilbur, where are the horses?

Oh, pardon me.

Uh, gentlemen, I'd like you to--

This is my wife, Carol.

No, I'm Kay. There's your wife.

Oh. Oh, yes. This is my wife.

The reason I was mixed up

is because they're both Jacqueline.

What I'm trying to say is--

Girls, this is the Secret Service.

Oh, you dolls, you came here to find our horses.

That was quick service.

How did they know they were gone?

I wonder who else is normal around here.

Well, I'm ready for the hunt.

Who are you, sir?

I am Roger Addison, hound master.

Roger, these gentlemen are investigating us.

Well, I-- I--

I didn't think I was playing

loudly enough to disturb the neighbors.

Look, I don't know what's going on around here,

but we've got to get to the bottom of it

or Mr. Post is in serious trouble.

Now, please sit down, everybody.

So, you see, that's why we've got to find out

who made that phone call to Washington

to try to talk to the First Lady.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hello, Secret Service?

Yes?

I've got a confession to make.

Yes?

Wilbur Post is innocent.

I made that phone call to Washington.

You did?

Yeah, I'll give you the exact words.

I said "I'm talking for the horses of America."

Those were the exact words. Why did you say that?

I'm Ed. I'm a horse, and I talk.

Bob, what's wrong? Who was it?

We better write this case off.

Good-bye, folks,

and, uh, happy whatever it is you're doing.

- Bye. - Bye. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Yes, nice of you to drop by.

Bob, what was it?

Who was on the phone?

It was that voice we heard in the car.

That Ed fellow, he, um--

He said he's a horse and that he talks.

You know something?

I think we're the victims of a big joke.

Why not?

Post works in the barn. The horse lives in the house.

Wilbur?

Come on, honey. We're all ready to go riding.

I'll be out in a minute, dear.

Okay. Oh, by the way, please be more careful, dear.

You tracked up the carpet in the living room.

Tracked up the carpet?

That was my fault, Wilbur.

I forgot to clean my horse shoes before I went in.

You were in my living room?

Well, who do you think phoned the Secret Service?

[chuckles]

Oh, Ed.

Oh, by the way, when we get out there,

you won't be afraid to jump, will you?

There's one consolation if we go down,

[both] we go down together.

I know, Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.