Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Good morning, Ed.

- Come on, little lazy bones. - [snores]

Time to wake up. It's 10:00.

Kitchy-kitchy.

[laughs]

Cut it out, Geraldine. I'm ticklish.

I know how to wake you up, lazy bones.

We'll let a little light in here.

[snores]

- [loud bang] - [mumbles]

Where am I?

You're in the steam room at the Y.

Yeah, very funny.

What time is it?

It's 10:00, and do you have to sleep so late every morning?

Yeah, I got tired blood.

I don't know why. It never moves.

Some joke.

- Wilbur-- - Hi, how are you?

May I borrow your car, please?

Kay wants me to do some shopping.

Sure, what happened to your car?

That scavenger brother-in-law of mine drove it down

to the unemployment office to pick up his check.

Why didn't he take a bus?

He could, but he has too much pride.

He wants them to think he really doesn't need the money.

How long is Ralph going to be staying with you?

Maybe some time?

This morning he painted his name on our mailbox.

Well, cheer up, Rog. It could be worse.

How?

He could be my brother-in-law.

Boy, I wish he would get a job.

So I can get him off my back.

He's a press agent, isn't he?

So he claims, but so far,

the only thing he's pressing is me.

How long he's been out of work?

He's been collecting unemployment insurance so long,

they named a branch office after him.

Well...

the way I look at it,

when you marry a woman, you marry her family.

And if she happens to have a brother, you love him, too.

And you enjoy helping him.

How many brothers does your wife have?

None. That's why I'm able to make this beautiful speech.

[Mister Ed yawns]

His brother-in-law ought to find a job.

I hate lazy people.

Look who's talking.

If I can find another horse like you, I'd have bookends.

Ed,

do you know why you sleep so late?

Well, it's because you have no purpose in life.

Now, you would be a healthier, happier horse if you had some

work to look forward to each day.

Okay, send me to medical school

and make me a brain surgeon.

All right, Rip Van Winkle, sleep your life away.

Wilbur,

I resent being called a lazy bum.

Look, Ed, I did not call you a bum.

That's okay. Find me a job.

I'll pay my way.

Now, you're talking.

I'll put an ad in the paper right away.

What're you gonna say?

Uh, horse for hire.

Want short working hours and plenty of carrot breaks.

Now, that's my boy.

- Wilbur, have you seen my cook book around? - No, honey.

Kay wants to bake strawberry shortcake for her brother.

Carol, how does this sound?

"Horse for hire."

I still say you're wasting your time.

Ed's not the working type.

Must be something he can do.

I doubt it.

He's too slow for the race track

and too nervous to pull a wagon.

Golf caddy?

Oh, here it is.

Deliver groceries?

Let's see. Strawberry shortcake.

Gardner?

Do you think Kay's brother is a good press agent.

Wilbur?

- A good what? - Press agent.

Oh, no, Ed's had no experience--

Press agent?

I'm talking about Ralph.

Do you think he's good press agent?

Last I heard, he was back at UI.

Universal International?

Unemployment insurance.

I say, they still got mounted police.

I wonder if they take Ed on the police force.

Why not? He's got flat feet.

If you weigh 800 pounds, you'd have flat feet, too.

Oh, honey.

Piano tutor?

Oh.

Don't slam the door.

Your brother taking a nap?

No, I have a cake in the oven. That's why I sent you

for strawberries and whipped cream.

Fine. Strawberry shortcake for him.

Girl Scout cookies for me.

Oh, honestly, Addison, I wish you'd be nice to Ralph.

He likes you.

He'd give you the shirt off his back.

And it would fit me. It's mine.

Did he bring my car back yet, or did he sell it?

Doll, I wish you wouldn't say those thing.

Ralph has had a lot of tough breaks,

and he needs us now.

You know, what his trouble is?

He isn't cut out to be a press agent.

He should take any job he can get

as long as he's gainfully employed.

I don't agree with you.

Some day he'll come up with a real big publicity stunt,

and he'll be on his way.

Out of my house, I hope.

Hi, kids.

Oh, careful, Ralph.

I got your favorite cake in the oven.

Swell, sis.

How about that, Rog? Strawberry shortcake.

Strawberries give me hives.

Well, then you can eat and scratch.

Aw, she's a great kid.

You got yourself a real winner.

Oh, you must be famished, sweetie.

Did you have your lunch?

No, I had to skip lunch. You know, it's outrageous

how long that unemployment office makes you stand in line.

Oh, they should have curb service.

Have a car hop bring your check out to you.

That's what I told them.

Oh, I forgot.

We got a traffic ticket.

We?

What happened, sweetie?

Well, I doubled parked next to a police car.

Naturally.

Explain to the officers

that you were new in the neighborhood?

No, they got sore because they couldn't get out to answer a call.

Pretty narrow minded of them.

I am not paying this ticket.

Well, brother-in-law, you wouldn't want me to go to jail, would you?

- You bet your sw-- - Doll.

Kay, I am not paying this ticket.

Let him pay himself out of his unemployment check.

Absolutely not. You heard the poor boy say

how long he'd been in line to get it.

You are incredible.

Both of you.

I'm going out to play golf.

But you can't, doll.

Why not?

I promised Ralph that he could borrow your clubs this afternoon.

You can have them tomorrow, Rog.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

My cake.

Poor sis.

He must be very hard to live with.

Well, he seems to be in fine shape, Mr. Post.

My riding stable could use a nice palomino.

Oh, yes, Mr. Kramer, Ed is very bright, energetic, and loves to work.

[Mister Ed snores]

Now, you say you're willing to bring him out

to the stable every morning and pick him up every night?

Yeah, Well, like I said.

Ed doesn't sleep well away from his home.

Oh, that's very important. I believe in horses getting plenty of sleep.

So does Ed.

Well, I mean he's a fanatic about that.

Well, I'll have him over at your place first thing in morning, Mr. Kramer.

Yeah, 7:00 sharp.

I'll set his alarm.

[mumbles]

- Good night, honey. - Night, Carol.

Just think tomorrow is Ed's first day on the job.

Uh-huh.

Life's funny, you know?

Get a young horse like Ed,

you coddle him. play with him.

You spoil him a little bit.

Hoping he'll never grow up.

First thing you know, he's punching a time clock.

It's tough.

Good for him, though.

Work's good. Builds character.

I wouldn't want him drifting through life like Kay's brother.

A horse has got learn to stand on his own four feet.

Go to sleep, honey.

I think I'll make him a nice lunch tomorrow.

Something that'll give him energy.

What should I fix for him, Carol?

How about a triple decker hay sandwich?

You should have seen him when I said good night to him.

I polished his little horse shoes.

Shined up his saddle and brushed him all down.

He may not be the fastest horse in the stables,

but he'll be the neatest.

Uh-huh.

First day on the job.

He'd be nervous. Oh, he'll be nervous.

Maybe I should rent a horse tomorrow and follow him.

Nah.

Other horses will think he's a sissy.

Hope he gets nice clients.

Some of those fellas can be rough, you know?

Ride him hard. Might even use a whip on him.

Might even dig him with spurs.

I better phone the stables and warn them.

Wilbur, would you please stop worrying about

that precious horse of yours and go to sleep?

Sorry, honey.

[clock rings]

I'm sorry, honey. I just wanted to make sure the alarm was working.

[alarm rings again]

Didn't want Ed to be late his first day on the job.

[alarm rings]

Oh, Mr. Kramer.

Gee, now they're coming in pairs.

Morning, Mrs. Webster.

Ready to go riding with your mother again today, Peter?

Sure, Mr. Kramer.

Oh, yes, he loves to ride with his mommy.

There he is.

Oh, thank you.

Come along, Peter.

Oh, isn't he lovely?

There we are.

Now, you hang onto that.

And up we go.

Hang on, honey, while Mommy fixes the saddle.

[Mister Ed sputters]

Peter, stop pulling the horse's hair.

And take your finger out of his eye.

What happened to your ice-cream cone?

I dropped it.

Now, look what you've done.

I'll get a cloth and clean this up.

[Peter] Mommy!

Peter, what in the world happened?

Oh, honey, come along with me.

Fool around with me, will he?

Congratulations, Ed.

You are now a working horse.

Swell.

And now let's write to Washington.

What for?

My Social Security card.

You're a funny guy.

I mean it, Wilbur.

I'm a worker, and I'm entitled to Social Security.

Oh, Ed, forget it.

No horse ever had a Social Security card.

Because no horse ever asked f÷1or it.

Ed, there is a law.

I know, I read the law.

It's right here in this pamphlet.

Page 2, paragraph 2.

Page what?

Page 2, paragraph 2.

- Give it here. - I can read it.

Let's see the, um--

"The Social Security Act is designed to protect wage loss

through involuntary unemployment."

Show me where it says no horses allowed.

Oh, forget it, Ed. You're being ridiculous.

Why?

Hey, it says wage earners and I'm a wage earner.

Look, Ed, if some day a horse happens to be elected president,

then you'll get Social Security.

And until then, forget it.

I'll send away for it myself.

Have a nice ride, Mr. Ambruster?

Fine, nothing like riding for losing a little weight.

He's right. I bet I've lost 10 pounds.

Aah, what that fat guy did to my arches.

Really, big, huh?

He didn't need a horse. He needed a tow truck.

I'm proud of you, Ed.

You could have just slept your life away here in the barn,

but instead you were willing to go out into the world

and become a useful member of society.

You're not just a horse, Ed.

You are an American worker.

Well, thank you.

- Uh, Wilbur. - Yeah.

You think I should organize the horses into a union?

That's a pretty good idea.

And if you have to carry fat people

you can demand time and half for overweight.

You can also fight for two weeks vacation with hay.

I got a feeling you're putting me on.

Be sensible, Ed.

First you wanted Social Security.

Now, you want to start a union for horses.

These things are impossible,

Well, don't be too sure.

Get that envelope out of my feed bag.

"Edward Post, Social Security number

054-22-5457."

You actually sent away for this.

Yep. Today a number. Tomorrow the world.

Kay, did you send my smoking jacket to the cleaners?

Uh, no, doll.

Wait.

What's this?

Ralph's breakfast.

At 1 in the afternoon?

Well, he didn't sleep well. He was up most of the night.

Yeah, chasing back and forth to the refrigerator.

Ralph's a compulsive eater when he's not working.

If he doesn't get a job,

pretty soon he's going to be a compulsive starver.

And that lazy old horse next door

has had a job for over a month now.

Are you comparing my brother to a horse?

Why not? He eats like one.

Please, his eggs are getting cold.

[Ralph] Hi, kids.

Good morning, Ralph.

Oh, here, let me take that. I'll eat in the kitchen.

Oh, roughing it today, eh?

How are you this morning, smiley?

It's afternoon, and I trust my smoking jacket fits you.

It does now.

Now?

I had to take the sleeves up a little.

That does it. That does it!

Ralph, I have had it.

You don't have to be a press agent.

There are lots of other jobs around

and you better start looking, if you know what I mean?

Here, sis. He's killed my appetite.

You just don't like my brother, do you?

Why, sweetheart, whatever gave you that idea?

I don't understand it, Mr. Post.

All of a sudden, he went lame.

Well, I'll have the vet take a look at him.

Thanks for brining him around, Mr. Kramer.

That's okay. I'll mail you a check at the end of the week.

Fine, thank you.

So you sprained your leg, huh?

Uh, yeah.

Wilbur, am I covered by workman's compensation?

How did it happen?

Well, don't I get disability? Veteran's compensation?

Uh, something?

Ed, you're a gold brick.

When did you decide to quit your job?

When I found out I was eligible for unemployment insurance.

Welcome home, lazy Mary.

Go on in. Go on.

[Mister Ed hums]

[Mister Ed hums]

Are you sore at me for quitting, Wilbur?

No, Ed, to tell you the truth,

I kind of missed you around here.

Will you stand in the unemployment line

with me, Wilbur.

You kidding? Think I'm silly?

You know, what would happen if I did that?

Why, there'd be riots. There'd be people laughing.

There'd be phone calls to the police.

Newspaper reporters.

And a picture of me with my first check.

Yeah, and another one of me

with a butterfly net over my head.

Go to sleep, Ed. You must be tired.

No unemployment check, huh?

No, Ed.

Gee, four weeks' work down the drain.

- Oh, hi, Ralph. - Hi, neighbor.

Uh, come on in.

Oh, thanks.

You going somewhere?

Oh, I decided to leave.

I got the feeling I wasn't wanted.

Oh, whatever gave you that idea?

Addison packing my suitcase.

He's not a very good packer, is he?

He was in a hurry.

Look, Ralph, do you want me to talk to Roger for you?

Oh, no, no. No, thanks.

It's better this way.

You know, he's not a bad guy.

His smoking jacket is a little large.

And his golf clubs are a little old,

but he's been good to my sister.

What're you gonna do now, Ralph?

I'd like to go back into publicity. It's in my blood.

It's not easy to get a job at the movie studio.

Got to come up with some big stunt

that'll hit all the front pages.

Like a man going over Niagara Falls in a bongo drum?

Yeah.

Or an elephant parachuting out of an airplane?

Yeah.

Or...

a horse collecting unemployment insurance?

What?

[crowd laughs]

I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to leave him outside.

Only claimants are allowed in here.

Well, then I better go outside.

You see, he's the claimant.

I beg your pardon?

My horse just lost his job.

Well, I'm sorry, sir, but he doesn't belong in here.

Why? This is the unemployment office

and he's unemployed.

Well, sir, the unemployment law does not cover animals.

Well, I think you're mistaken, ma'am.

It says wage earners and workers,

but you show me where it says no horses allowed.

Sir, the unemployment law specifically says--

I better call the manager.

Mr. Halsted, would you come here, please?

We never had a case like this before.

No animal has ever applied for unemployment insurance.

Could be false pride.

The way I feel, if it's coming to them, they should get it.

What's going on here?

Ms. Pringle, you know we don't allow animals in the building.

That's just what I've been trying to tell him.

But he insists that his horse has a claim.

Ridiculous.

No animal is entitled to unemployment insurance.

Is he entitled to Social Security?

Of course not.

This is Edward Post?

Social Security card number 054-22-5457.

And let's hear that cash register ring.

How do I know this is Mr. Post?

Uh, well, you can check with his last employer.

I wish Washington would work closer with us.

Where does he get his check?

- Not so fast. - He's entitled.

He happens to be in the wrong line.

Ms. Pringle, you better go back to you window.

I'll check out his claim form.

Now, single, married, widower, separated, or divorced?

Bachelor.

Oh, he's running around with a lot of fillies, but nothing serious.

Education, grade school, high school, college?

Self-taught.

Ready?

Wilbur, this is gonna hit the front page

of every paper in the country.

Now, hold it.

Smile, Ed.

Ed, we made the front page.

Oh, swell.

[both laugh]

- And you know something? - Uh, what?

This story of Ralph's got so much space that he got a job

as publicity director of a studio.

That's nice. Let me see my picture.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There you are.

[Mister Ed chuckles]

Gee, they would shoot my bad profile.

Oh, don't be so vain.

Look, if it bothers you, I'll get you a nose job.

[Ed laughs]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.