Original subtitles

Now, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?

And miss Adar's speech? Please.

Send my regrets. I'll be there first thing tomorrow.

Welcome. Welcome to the Festival of Peace.

- Peace to you! - Back at ya!

- Peace forever! - For everybody, yeah!

I'm gonna need my arm back.

Peace to us all!

- Adar. - Gabrielle! You made it.

Where's Xena?

She had business in Pergos, but she sends her apologies.

But she'll miss my speech honoring Pax.

I'll give her all the highlights. She'll be back tomorrow morning.

They're ready, Mr. Mayor.

Thank you.

Please be seated.

We are gathered today...

from many villages...

for our annual celebration of Pax,

the personification of peace.

This statue was created 20 years ago...

at the end of a bitter war...

and serves as a reminder...

that we are truly one people,

bound by a spirit of cooperation...

and understanding.

My Zeus and all the gods!

Pax is gone!

I guess it's pretty bad, huh?

Pretty bad? It's worse than pretty bad. This is a disaster!

Already there are angry recriminations between the villagers...

as to what's happened to the statue.

Everyone's so mistrustful because it's just so hard to believe.

It was there last night, and then it's just vanished.

Things don't just vanish, Adar. Somebody stole it.

It's taller than a house. Who could've stolen it?

I think we have a suspect.

- I'm talking to you, Grandma! - Ah, what's that, sweetie?

What--

I want to ask you a few questions.

I'm sorry. I need to tend to my--

Broken hip.

That was pinned on!

Autolycus?

Of course. Who else could pull off a heist like this?

Well, it is impressive, isn't it?

I mean, a statue that size just... disappearing like that?

It would not be immodest to say that that's the greatest theft ever.

There's only one problem.

And what's that, genius?

I didn't do it.

In a time of ancient gods...

...warlords...

...and kings...

A land in turmoil cried out for a hero...

She was Xena...

a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle...

...The power...

...The passion...

...The danger...

Her courage will change the world...

Vanishing Act

What do you mean, you didn't do it?

Xena, I'm very flattered that you don't believe me,

but the truth of the matter is I did not steal the statue.

Granted, I can't believe I didn't steal the statue.

If you are innocent, why were you wearing a disguise?

That's a very good question.

You see, it's like this.

Try as I may to keep it quiet, I have a reputation as--

- The King of Thieves? - Because of that reputation,

well, if I were to be spotted in a town

where a major theft has just taken place,

as in here, well, the local authorities might be

somewhat inclined to, uh, incarcerate me.

I'll take care of this.

That statue represents a long tradition

of peace between these villages,

and I didn't come here to fool around!

Well, like I'm here for the pony rides.

Xena, I want to get that statue back just as much as you.

Give me a break.

Oh, not for any goody-goody reasons, but for me.

Don't you get it?

I don't know who stole that statue.

What's worse, I don't know how they stole it.

So if I don't find out who did and steal it back--

You're no longer the King of Thieves.

Exactly.

Which is why I'm gonna let you work with me on this.

Oh, thanks, but no thanks.

It takes a thief to catch a thief.

Look, I just want your help to steal it back

so I can put it back where it belongs.

Autolycus, it's not called stealing if you

retrieve stolen property for the rightful owners.

No, not if you go in there busting heads like you usually do.

But if you use finesse...

and steal it from under their noses without them knowing it,

that counts as stealing.

Why would I want to do that?

As a favor to me?

No.

Oh, I get it. What have I done for you lately, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah, nothing besides

letting you live inside my body while I risk my life...

to steal back your shapely corpse,

all the while having to endure Gabrielle whining

and crying 24 hours a day about how much she misses Xena!

- Are you quite finished? - That depends. Did it work?

- It worked. - Then I'm finished.

- Xena, one more thing. - What?

It's gotta be done my way.

My reputation as the King of Thieves is not gonna be restored

if you sling that chakram around and poke people with swords.

It's gotta be done the Autolycus way.

Deal?

Come on.

Give me a smile.

Give me some teeth. Little smile.

Deal!

That's my Xena.

Working with us might rub off on Autolycus.

It could change him.

Or not.

Autolycus became a thief to avenge a terrible wrong.

I know. He told me.

He stole everything from the merchant who killed his brother.

He left him with nothing-- just a broken man.

You see, that was Autolycus's defining moment.

He'll always think of himself as a thief.

If he wants me to help him regain the title of king, then so be it.

It's the least I can do. The man did save my life.

Come on!

Well?

Just as I suspected.

There's a deep furrow in the seabed.

So the statue was toppled over and dragged out by ship.

Exactly, my dear.

Now all we have to figure out is what ship.

- Right. - Right.

Be right with you. Just gotta get this off.

Get ready.

Greetings.

I am told you are the one called Wharfmaster.

I am Namin, an antiquities dealer,

trading in rare Armenian... antiquities.

I need to ship some rather, uh, delicate cargo.

I can't help you.

Ah, no, no. You misunderstand.

I was hoping you could recommend a ship captain who could help us

with such a, uh, sensitive transaction.

Look, blinky, I don't know what you're talking about, okay?

Then, perhaps, for you it is very fortunate

that I speak the universal language.

You'll have to speak it louder than that, my friend.

Uh, I think you should talk to my associate.

Good centurion, bad centurion.

- Put a little pressure on him. - Right you are.

Now tell us who shipped out that statue.

You don't have to answer that.

What are you doing?

- Putting a little pressure on him. - Psychological pressure.

Xena, you agreed to do this my way.

- Undo that pinch. - 16, 17, 18--

Now, are you willing to tell us?

- It was Tarsus. - Tarsus? Of Siros?

- Yeah. - You know him?

Yeah. We have a history of sorts.

Where is his home base now?

A castle on the island of Mykonos.

The first thing we should do is size up the castle from outside,

try and determine the best way to get the statue out.

What if they're in the process of selling it right now?

It could be on the move before we get to it.

Good point. Then one of us should go in

as a fence and make a bid on the statue.

That'll keep it in place for a while.

Impersonating a fence? Let me guess who does that.

What is it?

There's someone here asking about Pax.

All right.

Tarsus, I presume.

And you are?

Myopia the fence. I... fence.

I come to tell you, I make offer on the statue of Pax.

What makes you think that I have Pax?

This?

You'd be surprised how little it takes

to loosen lips of corrupt wharfmaster.

Get the furnace going.

Furnace?

When strangers start knocking on my door with offers,

I'd say things were a bit too hot to have

a stolen piece of art hanging around.

These city states have been known to send

armies after the silliest artifacts.

On the other hand,

who's to say where I got a few hundred pounds of raw gold?

I'm not sure I understand.

As soon as the furnace is hot enough,

the statue of Pax will be melted down.

Wait. You can't melt the statue down.

Why not?

Be-- Because it gets gooey.

I do not pay for goo.

This is exactly what I meant...

about things being too hot.

Seems we have another unsolicited bidder.

You ever heard of a fence named Ezra?

I've heard of her, of course.

- Darling. - Ezra! Nice to meet you.

Charmed, I'm sure, but I'm here on business.

Well, you're going to have some competition.

This is Myopia. She's also interested in the statue.

Myopia. I've heard of you.

They say you used to be good-lookin'.

Plan Beta.

I saw the furnace belching smoke, and then we had to come in right away--

Are you paying attention to me?

This is part of his way.

So, where are you hiding that statue?

Tarsus was just about to have the statue melted down.

Of course I tell him, the statue is much more valuable intact.

Well, that would be because you're a rank amateur.

Of course it's more valuable if you melt it down--

easier to transport, easier to sell--

and frankly I'm surprised you didn't do it earlier.

- I mean, surprised but pleased. - Why is that?

Because I don't buy anything I don't see melted down.

One can so easily dilute it.

You don't trust me?

I sell to the richest men and women on earth,

so forgive me if my reputation for dealing in only the finest materials

is too valuable to risk on the word of a thief.

So, do I get to see the statue or not?

- Right away. - Fabulous.

Oh, my manservant's outside.

Would you give him a hand with the baggage?

Oh, gorgeous!

Let's do it.

Here's my guy now.

This is my assistant...

Bentley.

Bentley. What an unfortunate name.

Well, Mother had quite the sense of humor.

Stay out of the way, Bentley.

They're about to melt down the statue.

Go on.

- Your man is an idiot. - You're telling me.

Get inside, you buffoon.

A thousand pardons. I--

Something wrong with the furnace. It's losing heat.

What?

I thought you were running a classy operation here.

Interesting.

You incompetent scum.

Make sure that furnace is working.

We can wait inside while they work. It won't take long.

We gotta keep them out here till Autolycus gets finished looking around.

Oh, that's just great. Great, yeah.

Now she wants to bid on the raw gold.

Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with changing your mind.

All right.

Well, let's settle this right now, shall we?

I'll give you 15,000 dinars for it.

- Twenty. - Twenty-five.

- Thirty. - Thirty-five.

Thirty-five thousand dinars.

- Going once, twice-- - Forty thousand.

One hundred and forty thousand dinars.

One hundred sixty thousand.

Two hundred thousand dinars.

Two hundred thousand dinars. Going once--

Two hundred fifty thousand.

Two hundred and fifty thousand dinars.

- Going-- - Three hundred thousand.

- Three hundred fifty. - Four hundred thousand dinars.

And I'll throw in the Ring of Apollo.

- Let her have it. - Sold.

Well, the money will be here in the morning.

Perfect. We'll have the furnace operational by then.

You and your gold will be on your way by midday.

Break out the wine. Tonight we celebrate.

I hope there are no bad feelings.

But who could compete with the Ring of Apollo?

Don't you agree?

You just had to outbid me, didn't you?

You outbid me first.

It's a wonder you didn't go even higher.

Right. Like I can top the Ring of Apollo?

Are you two out of your minds?

What difference does it make who outbid who?

We're pretending, remember?

Now, I happen to have a plan,

and if it works, I will be a legend...

and you two will be a legend's helpers.

First I've gotta find something.

I'm comin' with you.

Fine. But you know the rules.

You go to the party. Tell them we'll join them later.

No problem.

This plan of yours is kind of ambitious.

What else would you expect from the King of Thieves?

- Oh, "Thebes." I've been there. - Pay attention.

See?

Paint drippings. This is probably it.

Locked, of course. Not a problem.

Watch and learn, my dear.

You see, this is no ordinary lock.

This happens to be a reinforced Corinthian steel lock.

With a high-security, double-hinged, pin-tumbler mechanism.

Darling!

Sorry you didn't get the gold,

but I'll have some more interesting wares very soon.

Where's your rival?

In her room, I imagine.

She's missing the party. I'll send somebody for her.

Oh, she'll come later. She's with someone.

With someone?

- The hunchback? - Who else?

Hunchback? Oh, interesting.

She can be with him anytime.

Right now, I want her here at this party.

Bring Ezra and her man down immediately.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Oh, you naughty guard, you!

Hold everything! The party starts here.

Make yourself scarce, dummy.

Yoo-hoo, Myopia!

I am so sorry you lost. Better luck next time, huh?

As soon as we're out of here, we'll put his plan in motion.

Congratulations, Ezra.

I am obligated to tell you that a well-known

Scylosian general is on his way here to make a bid.

Really? Is he good-lookin'?

Look, if you have the money here by morning,

I'm sure he can't top your offer.

Oh, it'll be here.

So, tell me more about this naughty general.

Excuse me. My name is Thea.

Oh, uh, Bentley.

Forgive me for staring, but I just can't help but notice your--

- Smile? - To be honest,

I was actually referring to your hump.

Oh, that.

Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?

Well, s-sure. Go ahead. Wh-What do you want to know?

Would you mind if I touched it?

Oh, oh, no, no. I would really rather that you didn't.

Why? Does it hurt?

Well, of course it hurts. Why do you think camels are so miserable?

I kid you not, it was this big.

So tell me, how did you manage to steal the statue of Pax?

A magician never gives away his secrets.

But I will tell you this. It was the best work I've ever done.

Really?

Of course, I haven't always been a thief.

Oh, no. For many years, I was a moderately

successful merchant, making a decent living.

One day, I had a disagreement with a competitor.

I had to eliminate him as a rival.

Well, you would.

Unbeknownst to me, my competitor had a younger brother.

Rather than face me like a man,

he took his vengeance by stealing from me.

Cleaned me out, but in so doing,

he taught me a lesson:

The world belongs to those who make it their own.

- A toast, then. - A toast, yes.

To the man who has brought us all here tonight.

To Autolycus,

the former King of Thieves.

Auto!

Auto, baby, you promised me this was gonna work.

You're supposed to be the King of Thieves!

My father-- My father told me he was a loser and a fraud,

with his phone disguises and that silly moustache, but...

I will always love you.

Oh, look, you gotta believe me.

He put me up to this.

You know how he is with that charm of his.

He's so shallow, yet so persuasive.

I'm not really a bad person.

I just fell in love with the wrong man at the wrong time.

Shut up!

Take her too.

And gag her. Get them both out of here!

Watch the hump!

Quick. Come on. Get her.

If Ezra isn't real, the bidding isn't real either.

That's right.

You can bid again in the morning...

against the Scylosian general.

But your money better be here by then.

If not, I'll assume you're a fraud too.

That's 20 feet of the strongest chain wrapped around you, Autolycus,

fastened by 200 of the best locks in the world.

Good. I enjoy a challenge.

Well, enjoy it while you can,

because I've just sent word to everyone who has a reward out on your head:

I'll deliver you to the highest bidder.

Outwardly, you're always calm, Autolycus,

but I'm not fooled.

Inside, you burn with hatred toward me, don't you?

And it's only gonna get worse.

Just think: I killed your brother.

I stole your mantle as King of Thieves.

And soon I'll be delivering you to your executioners.

It's all so perfect.

I want this door guarded at all times.

Well,

this should be interesting.

You pathetic weakling!

I plan to sell you to the Scylosians.

Don't worry. You won't be with 'em for long.

They usually beat their slave girls to death in a matter of weeks.

And don't think Autolycus'll save you.

I have him bound by 200 of the strongest locks.

Have a nice evening.

You stay here, and don't let anyone talk to her.

Especially that Myopia.

I don't trust her either.

Help me.

Help me.

Can I ask you a question?

- Shoot. - What are we doing!

We're doing it his way.

You call that his way?

Don't get technical on me.

Now that we know it was Tarsus who killed his brother,

it's even more essential that we let Autolycus win his way.

Why do you think he didn't tell us who Tarsus was?

I'm hoping because it doesn't make any difference.

So where is he?

Somewhere in this castle, chained and manacled with 200 locks.

- Two hundred locks? - Yes.

It's gonna take him at least an hour to get out of that lock.

Come on. Let's get on with it.

All righty.

Get the door.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Come on.

Come on, talk to me.

I'm listening, but I'm not hearing.

Come on. Just a little more.

There we go.

Sixty-four.

Okay. I found everything we need to get

through with this plan, except for one thing.

- What's that? - Brushes.

I just couldn't begin to think how to do that his way.

- What do you think, huh? - That'll do.

Good. We'd better get everything we need into the courtyard.

Don't you think we should find Autolycus?

Are you kidding? He'd never forgive me if I robbed him

of the joy of getting out of that by himself.

As long as he's back by sunrise, it'll work.

One hundred and ten.

- We did it. - Yeah.

The sun's up. Where is he?

Xena, why don't you go get him?

Look. This wouldn't be--

His way. Yes, I know.

But this plan will go to Tartarus if he's not here.

You're right.

I know it's not quite your--

Where is he?

I don't know. He wasn't in the dungeon.

That's great. He got out.

The Scylosians will be here any moment.

I don't think he's gonna be joining us.

What do you mean? His plan was to meet here.

He's not concerned with his plan anymore.

I don't understand.

He's going to kill Tarsus.

But Autolycus doesn't kill.

He got revenge on Tarsus before by stealing from him.

Now he plans to finish the job.

Xena, Autolycus isn't a killer.

Not even to avenge his brother's death.

He'd be a good one. Think about it.

With his skills of disguise and escape, he'd be one of the best.

That's if he crosses the line.

We're not gonna let him.

Come on.

Hello from Malechis.

You plan to kill me, don't you?

Why, Autolycus, I didn't know you had it in you.

That's why I'm here.

Don't you want to thank me first? Think about it.

You pride yourself on being the King of Thieves, the best at what you do.

And who made you that way?

Me. For better or worse, I made you who you are!

Too bad this isn't about me.

It's about a decent man you killed a long time ago.

Look, Autolycus, I can't bring your brother back,

but I can offer you money-- lots of money.

Money?

I do love money.

How much? Everything I own.

Not enough, but thanks for trying.

Don't do it, Autolycus.

Stay out of this, Xena.

Don't get me wrong. I agree with you.

He killed your brother, turned you into a thief...

and he was determined to see you dead.

Most people would think you had every right to act as his judge.

But I'm asking you, what would Malechis think?

The man you told me about loved his brother.

He gave everything to see that you became a good person.

Tarsus may have created the thief,

but it was Malechis who gave the thief his heart.

Was it the heart of a murderer?

All right, Xena. You've been waiting for this moment since we started.

Some good old-fashioned kick-butt, that's-my-Warrior-Princess action.

Go get 'em!

- Retreat. - What?

We got a plan. Remember?

After them, you idiots!

Run, Xena! They're coming!

Get them!

What are you doing?

You loved your brother so much.

Say hi to him in the underworld!

Come on. Come play with me, huh?

Xena, up and over.

Let's get out of here! They're too much for us.

Quickly! Run! This way!

Hurry! Hurry!

Tarsus.

Tarsus!

General, your timing is perfect.

Arrest these people.

They're trying to deprive you of your gold.

I'm afraid we have a different sense of humor in Scylosia.

So where is it? The gold!

Where is it? What, are you blind?

It hasn't been melted down yet,

but the statue is right there against that--

But i-it was there! I stole it!

You stole it?

Now, how can that be? Obviously, it's not even here.

Unless someone stole it from you.

Someone like, uh-- Oh, what's his name?

Autolycus, the King of Thieves.

So I'm negotiating with you?

No. Sorry. I've made other arrangements.

You ever offer me goods you don't have again,

I'll slash your throat!

Autolycus, I hope you don't mind that I--

No, no. Say no more.

Sometimes your way is, uh, just fine.

Well, looks like my plan worked rather well.

Yeah. They'll be talking about you from Scylosia to Britannia.

Now let's get that statue back home.

They'll be happy to have the guy who stole it too.

You know the problem with your greatest work?

You can never tell anyone how you did it.

My Zeus and all the gods!

Pax is back!

Pax is back! Hey, hey! Wake up, you guys!

Pax is back! Come on!

Pax is back! This is incredible! Pax is back!

I cannot believe what I'm seeing! Look!

Pax is back! Pax is back!

This is absolutely fantastic!

That's what makes doing work like this worthwhile.

Yes, half-naked men screaming through the square.

I see your point.

Autolycus, tell me you don't feel a little bit happy

that you've given the people their statue back.

I'll tell you what makes me feel a little bit better--

is knowing that the crown of--

- The King of Thieves? - Has been restored again.

And if these people want to feel happy, well, that's okay too.

- Xena. - Autolycus, baby.

I tried to thank you back there at the castle,

but you are not an easy person to thank.

- I don't need any thanks. - I'm sure you don't.

And I don't have gems or money

or anything else of value to offer you,

except this.

You are the second-best thief I've ever met.

And if you ever need to get inside my body again, you just look me up.

- Thanks. - Gabrielle.

Yes?

You'll miss me.

Autolycus!

Oh, what a sweet sound.

Well, if you'll pardon me, my public awaits.

Ta-ta.

How does it feel to be a thief?

"Second-best"? He's got some nerve.