Original subtitles

Hi, hi... I'm not er, I'm not late am I?

No, no, er, still waiting on a few people.

Help yourself to a beverage.

Thank you.

JACKIE: Hello.

Hi! I'lljust, er, I'lljust have a black coffee, please?

- Okay, erm... - GILES: Oh, no, no, no. Er,

Jackie doesn't work here, she's our member of the public.

She's actually on the jury.

Oh, oh, gosh, sorry! I didn't mean to...

Oh, that's all right, I don't mind.

I'm Clive Carroll, pleased to meet you.

Clive's one of our finest writers, aren't you?

He won the Breakthrough Talent Award for Television Drama.

Oh, wow! When was this?

Oh, couple of years ago.

2003 wasn't it? Yes,

Er... Was it that long ago? I suppose it was actually.

GILES: Now obviously you'll know Rupert, have you two worked together?

No, I'd love to, huge fan.

- Hello. - GILES: And this is Gordon Norris.

Yeah, we know each other.

- Hi, Gordon. - Clive.

It's all a bit bloody pointless if you ask me.

We already know who's going to win, don't we?

What's she called, the girl who's in everything...

Shona Andrews.

Let's not prejudge, there's a long way to go yet.

Gordon, I don't know if you've had a chance to have a quick read

of that script I sent through...

No, I haven't, Clive,

I'm in post on Doctor Who and prepping the new jimmy Nesbitt vehicle,

so I'm tied up at the moment.

Yeah, it's just that Sky are really, really interested,

and you know, script by me, directed by you,

that's a really good package...

Yes, Clive, it's on the list,

but that's not for now, is it? No.

Absolutely, no, I agree. Whatever you say.

Oh, it's here, April, we're in here!

Hello everybody!

- Hi, hi... - Hello. I'm Giles, I'm the chair.

Oh, and I'm Paula, and I'm the couch!

-(RUPERT LAUGHS) - PAULA: Rupert,

God, you're here?

0h. you got old!

PAULA: Oh, have you met... what was your name sweetheart,

April. May...?

JUNE: June. Yes, I know Rupert,

I've interviewed him on several occasions, hello again!

Hello.

- Who is this? - Got no idea.

-(BELL RINGS) - GILES: Right, well we are all met so...

Shall we make a start as there's a huge amount to get through.

Er, can I suggest we begin in time-honoured fashion

by just going round the room and saying who we are and what we do.

So I'm Giles Grindlay-Orme and I'm Associate Chair

of the television committee here at the academy...

I'm June Bright and I'm an alcoholic!

No,

I'm a journalist and TV critic for the Sunday Mirror.

Rupert Dennis. Actor, treader of boards,

now old, apparently.

Oh, is it me?

Oh, I'm Jackie, I'm a dentist's receptionist.

I've never done anything like this before.

I won a competition.

Yes, I should point out that the Academy thought it was very important

to hear the voice of the viewer,

so this year each jury has a...

Member of the public

giving us the benefit of their unique insight.

- Gordon? - Hmm?

Oh, yes, er, Gordon Norris,

film and TV director. Hi.

Clive Carroll, well, scribbler,

dreamer.

I'm also a member of the public.

I did win the Breakthrough Talent Award...

Yadda,yadda,yadda.

I'm Paula, you all know me,

and I'm here doing a West End show

and I have a costume fitting at four, so we'd better, you know...

Oh, absolutely, thank you, Paula.

So we are here to judge the Best Actress category.

I have to ask that you have all watched the performances

up for consideration this year,

and that there are no conflicts of interest

that may colour yourjudgement?

Right, well, er, let's begin.

As you know, we have a long-list of eight names

which we need to Whittle down to four nominees.

I'm sure we can get rid of a few of these pretty quickly.

Zoe Chappell?

ALL: No.

Mmm-hmm, she's off the list.

Erm... Tina Waddingham, anyone?

She was good.

- Not for me. - No, me neither.

Yeah, I, I don't think it's her year.

GILES: As I thought.

What about Brenda Dobbie?

- ALL: No! - I don't think so.

Okay, that's er... that's pretty clear. Poor Brenda.

Erm... Kelly Marsden?

Absolutely not.

I don't understand how she even got on the list.

Oh, I've interviewed Kelly, she's a very clever girl, believe me.

Very ambitious.

Yeah, you've always been great at fingering a new talent.

Er, can we keep the discussion just to her acting ability please?

Well, in that case I thought she was pretty good.

- I liked her. - Well, that's good enough for me.

Erm, Samira Den ha m?

Terrible! Too young.

Well, you know, Samira can be good, she just needs a good director.

I don't know what was going on with her accent, though.

She was supposed to do Cockney, she sounded like an Australian.

Yeah, she's shit. It was like, you know,

"Go down the apples and pears and gimme some jellied eels."

I'm just agreeing with you, Gordon.

- GORDON: Yeah. - Yeah, that is so true.

GILES: Well, she's gone.

So by my reckoning that leaves us with a shortlist of Shona Andrews,

Dame Dorothy Sutton, Kelly Marsden and Anna Adeyemi.

Is everyone happy with these four as our nominees?

- ALL: Yes! - Good,

well that was painless.

So what we'll do now is discuss each one in turn,

then you'll all get a chance to vote anonymously

to determine the winner. I myself will remain impartial.

GILES: Okay, let's kick off with Shona.

Who wants to start? Jackie?

Just... Brilliant.

She's always brilliant, isn't she? You could watch her in anything.

She did that thing a couple of years ago when she was a nurse,

-what was that called... - Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Look, I mean I've never worked with her,

you know, but the camera loves her, she's got that 360 range,

and she's always, always committed.

I think she nailed it.

Paula, would you agree?

Shona Andrews stole my heart.

Moving, truthful, devastating...

This was a different kind of role for her, wasn't it?

Just talk a little bit about that.

Well, this was a different kind of role for her.

Totally different,

er, she played a...

- Madam Curry... - Marie Curie.

Yes, the woman who invented the radio...

And I totally bought it. The whole package.

Yeah, she is what I call one of the 'anointed'.

She can do no wrong

and even though she was 30 years too young for the part,

I have to admit she was very, very good.

Well, what does it matter how old she is?

She brought Marie Curie to life for me, it was a very dry and boring subject

but my ex-partner and I sat there transfixed.

I never even knew that Marie Curie was a real person,

I thought it was a magazine.

And that made it even more...

Better, if that's not a stupid thing to say.

No, no, it isn't, not at all,

it's exactly that kind of observation that we were hoping

to get from you, Jackie. Well done.

I have a problem with this actress.

She mumbles.

I couldn't make out half of what she said.

Having said that, I was a blubbering wreck by the end.

A remarkable performance.

- I agree. - Oh great. Can we go now?

Ha, no, no, no. We have to discuss all the nominees

but let's just put a big tick for now and move on to Dame Dorothy.

Rupert, I'm guessing you had no problems with her diction?

-(GILES LAUGHS) - Absolutely not,

clear as a bell. I've got a lot of time for Dottie.

We came up together through the RSC together.

Er, isn't that a conflict of interest?

No, we were on nodding terms, that's all.

She did a lot of nodding from what I heard.

- GILES: Er, let's just... - What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on Rupert, you and Dame Dottie do have a history, you can't deny it.

I don't think a handjob in the car park of the Dirty Duck in 1976

is going to cloud myjudgement.

Well, it does colour things slightly.

Come off it, she did it for everybody!

- Well, let's not er... - Robin Nedwell, Brian Glover...

I think we're going a little bit off-piste there,

er, but for the sake of complete impartiality why don't you sit out

-on this one Rupert, if you don't mind. - Fine.

Mumbling girl's going to win it anyway.

Paula.

Dorothy Sutton stole my heart.

She was perfectly cast in the role,

which saw her transform from waspish librarian

to warm-hearted widow

with all the skill of a seasoned pro...

JUNE: Hang on, that's my review!

I wrote that for the Sunday Mirror.

- Great minds think alike. -(jUNE SCOFFS)

Paula you have watched all these performances, haven't you?

Sure, sure, my agent set me up with all the links...

Okay. Gordon, what did you think?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, she's a national treasure and she's given a lot of people

a lot of pleasure over the years.

Some more than others, apparently.

Erm, but I feel in this case she was let down by the script,

which just didn't seem to go anywhere original.

Yeah, I agree, I agree.

Because the script should take you on a journey, shouldn't it?

So if you read episode one

you really want to know what happens in episode two

and there's many more ideas that can be explored there...

- I will read it, Clive. - Brilliant, no worries.

Let's just remember what this award is for,

Best Actress, and we should be focussing on just the elements of performance.

Jackie, let's get the view from the sofa as it were.

Are you a Dame Dottie fan?

I love her, she really reminds me of my Grandma,

apart from the wanking men off in car parks bit.

But she's always so funny and so twinkly...

- If that's a word. - It is, it is a word.

But it's interesting because the character she's playing here,

Mrs Crabb, is actually quite cantankerous and sour

-to begin with, isn't she? - Yeah.

And that's what makes her a good actress

because she's not like that in real life, is she?

She doesn't suffer fools, put it that way.

Yeah, she knows what she wants.

In terms of performance though, another tick.

Next up is Kelly Marsden. Who wants to talk about Kelly?

Kelly Marsden stole my heart.

- What, again? - Yes.

All these girls are real, moving. I don't want to choose between them,

but we have to, right?

Yes, but based on the performances that we've all definitely seen.

Absolutely, but let me just say one thing here.

You cannotjudge between this cup of coffee or this cup of coffee

or this cup of coffee...

This is tea.

Whatever. All I mean is,

all these girls are real, moving.

They are all uniquely brilliant

and you cannot sit in judgement of these performances.

Of course, we bloody can. That's what we're here for.

Well, there speaks a man who has never been up for an award.

- Because if you had... - Excuse me...

Because if you had you would know to be entered into a race

you did not choose to enter and then to lose

tojessica Lange...

Well, that hurts.

Pefiod.

Yeah, and I know because when I won Breakthrough Talent in 2003...

Yeah, Clive... Okay.

Sorry, can I just bring this back to the acting bit?

Yes, thank you, Jackie. Please do.

This Kelly girl, she made me and my mum cry.

Good. Not good but... Carry on.

And she was just so moving and believable.

I totally cared what happened to her.

She is definitely talented.

I mean, she's auditioned for me a couple of times,

she's not got them obviously,

but I think, I think this has just come a little bit too soon for her.

Is this the flat-chested one? Didn't like her.

Rupert!

What, am I not allowed an opinion on this one either?

Look, Kelly's come up through the soaps and I think they learn

a lot of bad habits, but getting back to what Gordon said,

I think he's right.

I think in a couple of years we could be looking at a Surannejones

or a Sarah Lancashire, but not yet.

I'm with Gordon on this one. I'm afraid I wasn't convinced.

If you're going to be addicted to gambling and live on a council estate

you got to do more than scrape your hair back and paint a love bite, I'm sorry.

Okay, so not the most glowing comments we've had,

I'm just gonna put a question mark next to Kelly for now.

Finally, Anna Adeyemi,

who played Trish in Channel 4's ClickBa/z'.

Who wants to talk about her?

Gordon.

What are you all looking at me for?

Just because you are a director and you may well have some thoughts on...

The black actress?

No, no, no, no, not at all. She is an actress nominated for this award.

Oh, so it's not the coloured girl?

- What did you...? - GILES: It's the...

The nominee we are discussing is Anna Adeyemi.

Anna Adeyemi stole my heart.

I see what this is. I see, I, I now understand why I'm on the panel.

It's my unique insight into all things black?

Not at all, you're here because you are a valued industry professional,

same as everybody else.

Except Jackie.

Well, we have to have one anyway, don't we, I read it somewhere.

- Isn't that right Giles? - No, no, no that's not...

I just can't believe this.

What I meant is it's a good thing,

we ought to have one!

Bloody hell, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't!

Rupert, stop it now!

Look, look, it is not my fault that Idris Elba didn't make a TV show

this year so you could tick your little diversity box and have at it!

- Oh, come on... - You know what,

this is bullshit, I'm leaving.

I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I'm leaving! No, I...

We need you on this panel.

Hear, hear!

Fine.

Fine, Giles.

But let it be known, I do not want to go first

in this discussion.

Understood. Thank you.

Clive? What did you think of Anna's performance?

(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING)

Er... I think... She...

Was... Brilliant, actually.

It's a very contemporary story, very well told.

She brought a great authenticity to that world. It was fantastic.

Jatkie?

Again. Really, really good.

I actually couldn't see her acting

and that really added to the story line in my eyes.

Well, we already know what Paula thinks, june...?

I've always loved her, I've given her two thumbs up in the past...

Isn't that a conflict of interest?

I'd be very happy if she got this award.

Rupert, what did you make of Anna?

Truthfully? (SIGHS)

I wasn't that impressed, I'm afraid to say.

Another mumbler. I found her very wooden, unsympathetic,

woefully miscast. I'm sorry, but there it is.

All right, and, er...

Finally, Gordon?

Well, erm, I have to say that I agree with, erm,

with Rupert.

I thought she was out of her depth.

She didn't quite have the emotional range, and...

I felt that she fell far short of what required.

Yeah, I agree. You can see that.

Wait a minute, you said you thought she was brilliant like a second ago.

Well, I'm allowed to change my mind. Gordon's made some interesting points.

How can you say she lacked the emotional range?

- She went through the mill in this. - I don't know, june.

How could you say my direction of Hotel Babylon gave you a headache?

- I never said that! - Yeah, well. Hmm...

"Gordon Norris directs like a toddler with ADHD

"and his showy camera moves had me reaching for the Paracetamol

-"within the first ten minutes." - Gordon...

Like I said Gordon, it's water under the bridge. It doesn't matter...

Yeah, I know it doesn't matter, 'cause nothing you do matters, June!

What's that supposed to mean?

- Don't answer that, Gordon. - I want to.

- Let him speak. - You, you are a parasite.

Jackie has more to contribute than you!

Leave it, honey. You only ever remember your bad reviews.

You must have a bloody good memory.

Fuck you, you withered asshole!

All right, everybody! Please, let's just, er...

Let's just calm down.

I suggest we take a five-minute break,

come back, and... If we can, choose a winner.

Just going for a pee and a ciggie.

I'm sorry about that, old chap. Crossed wires I think. No offence?

It's fine.

Jeez...

Bit awkward, wasn't it?

Yeah, but he's apologised, it's fine.

Just so you know, there's going to be a lot of diversity in Blood Oranges...

- Blood Oranges? - My script.

- I know you haven't read it. - Oh yeah, yeah, no, no, I haven't.

Yeah, well,

when you do just bear in mind that any of the characters could be...

Diversified.

What do you mean?

Just that if there's anything you don't like, or don't agree with,

I don't mind changing it.

Clive, you're not supposed to feel that about your own script.

You're supposed to be protective of it.

I want a writer that totally believes in their work.

Well, I am. I do. But equally,

I don't mind completely changing it

if it means it will get made.

You all right?

Yes, just having a little think.

So,

how did you win this competition, Jackie?

I had to write a pretend review of a programme.

Oh, what did you choose?

HUGE: Bake Off.

Ah, yeah, I reviewed that once.

I did the whole thing as if it were a recipe.

"Take two ripe presenters..." That sort of thing.

Sounds good. I'd love to have your job.

Do you enjoy it?

Well... I'm invited to every premiere.

I'm at every award ceremony.

I get to walk the red carpet alongside the stars.

I get to visit the sets of all my favourite TV shows.

Sitting in the corner

watching these

amazing things...

And I've got nothing to do with any of it

He's right.

I'm the loneliest woman in the world.

So Paula, how's the play going?

- Oh, it's a piece of shit, honey. - What theatre are you in?

The Trafalgar Studios. That's West End, right?

Er, yes... Technically. Who's directing it?

Nobody. That's the problem.

But we'll get through it, that's what we do.

So, erm, I've just been speaking to your agent

and she said she did send through a link to the viewing portal...

- That's right. - And she also gave you some notes

about each of the nominees.

What are getting at, Giles? Shit or get off the pot.

Just that it is a requirement, as per the declaration you signed,

that you have actually watched the performances we're discussing.

Don't worry about that.

I know all these bitches.

I don't know who they are, but their types.

The Star, the Dame, the Girl Next Door and the Ingenue.

- I don't think... - Honey, I vote in the Academy Awards.

I picked the Best Film nine times in the past ten years,

and I've never seen a motherfucking one of those movies.

So trust me, hmm? I got this.

I just bumped into Wayne Sleep.

He's on the panel for "Reality and Constructed Factual",

whatever that is.

I'll tell you what it is, that is a continuing drama

without the need of a scriptwriter, apparently.

- RUPERT: Hmm. - It's like an improv with real people.

What, you mean they give you an award for eavesdropping?

- I'm afraid so, yeah. -(LAUGHS)

GILES: Right, well, er, shall we all reconvene?

I just want to remind everybody of the category...

This is Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role.

Now, do we feel like we are perhaps in a position to eliminate

a couple of the candidates? Turn it into a two horse race?

Absolutely. Ditch the two younger ones,

it's too soon for them, it'll only screw up their careers.

That's the spirit Paula, you were never one

for sending the lift back down, were you?

Fuck that, they can use the stairs like I did.

Anyone else agree we should lose Kelly and Anna?

Er, Anna yes, Kelly no.

I dunno, I like them all. It's so hard, isn't it?

Well, can we all at least agree on keeping Shona?

Everyone seemed to like her.

Er, yes, just looking at some of the comments...

She was "truthful", it was a "remarkable performance",

someone said she "stole their heart"...

We all know who that was.

Jackie said she's always brilliant in every part she plays.

CLIVE: Yeah, again, anointed.

She's brilliant in everything and she also wins awards for everything.

She won Best Actress last year, didn't she?

She did, but that must not affect our decision...

Wait a minute, she won last year?

I didn't know that, well that changes everything.

CLIVE: Yeah, and if I remember rightly, she was hardly in it.

She won it because she is Shona Andrews,

and it is completely unacceptable

to not give her an award if she has been in a programme that year.

Oh, come on, that's not fair. She wins because she's an exceptional talent.

I'm not denying that, but equally my heart would sink a little bit

if I was watching this on telly and she gets up again.

- He's got a point. - I agree. It's too much.

No guys, this is rubbish.

All I am saying is can we be the jury

that doesn'tjust hand the award to Shona Andrews simply for existing?

GILES: Well, let's take a vote.

All those in favour of removing Shona from the list?

Well, that's a majority.

Shona is off the list.

Though still a very great honour to be nominated.

(scoFFS)

Right, if we could lose one more that would be great.

Erm... Let's recap what was said about Anna.

Rupert wasn't impressed, thought she was another mumbler,

Clive thought she was "fantastic, great authenticity".

Gordon thought she was "out of her depth",

Clive then changed his mind and agreed with Gordon...

- I'm allowed. - Yeah, she's gone, let's wrap this up.

We can't hurry this, these are such important decisions!

Yeah, 'cause I can't wait to find out who won Constructed Reality.

Right, well, erm... Let's put it this way then,

Does anybody think Anna gave the best performance?

In that case she's another worthy nominee but not our winner.

So it comes down to these two,

Dame Dorothy, "national treasure", "twinkly", stole Paula's heart.

And Kelly, also stole Paula's heart...

They all did.

"Very moving", "flat-chested", not sure that's really relevant,

bit soapy perhaps, but, this is very important I think,

she did make Jackie and her Mum cry.

(SARCASTICALLY) Well, that just about nails it, then.

So can we take a quick show of hands just to get the temperature of the room?

All those for Kelly...

(GORDON TAPS TABLE AND SNAPS FINGER)

And for Dame Dorothy?

So both ladies have three votes each.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I just requested my Uber!

Can we not call them ladies, please, it's really patronising.

- Well, what are they then? Kangaroos? - They're actors.

- Well, actresses. - I don't like that, either.

- Okay, you know what, I switch. - Sorry?

Who did I vote for? just change it to the other one.

All right, so now it's four to Kelly and two to Dorothy.

You, you can't do that Paula,

-that's unfair! - Watch me.

Hold on, if she's changing to Kelly, I'm changing to Dame Dottie.

Oh, for goodness sake!

- So that's back to three-all. - Yes, I switch to Dorothy as well.

Now, that's four to Dorothy and two to Kelly.

For god sake Clive, will you stand on your own two feet!

- I'm agreeing with you! - Don't!

- I'm not gonna do your script, okay? - What?

Blood Oranges. I read it last night,

it's just a rehash of Spooks, it's shit.

- Which bit, I'll change it? - All of it.

Well, I switch to Kelly then.

You have to respect the process.

- And it's three all again. - Can we just do the final vote please,

Khalid is two minutes away.

Why don't you just give it to Dottie.

- I thought you already had! - Exactly, his vote shouldn't be counted.

Oh yes, so that's two to Dorothy and three to Kelly.

What a load of bollocks!

If you don't want the professional opinion with fifty years experience

you may as well ask some witless couch potato who they want to win.

Well, we do have Jackie with us...

Jackie is there anything you'd like to add anything to the debate?

No, it's all right.

Every opinion is valid, even yours.

I'm not clever like all of you.

I didn't realise that you had to think about all these other outside things,

like how old they are

or how many other awards they've won,

or who's popular in the industry.

It's not fair on the ladies...

Sorry, the actors,

to have someone like me passing judgement.

I think I'm just gonna go and leave you all to it if you don't mind.

I've made a fool of myself. So sorry.

Well, that's what happens when you invite the public.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Right, erm, shall we dish out the electronic devices?

Remember, these will lock in your final vote

and as there are only five of you left there's no chance of a tie.

Well, I gotta go, it's been a pleasure.

If you want a lousy night at the theatre come to the Trafalgar Studios next month

and help me drown my sorrows in the bar afterwards.

Yes, I'd love to do that, we should swap numbers...

Well, I've got a screening to get to, so...

Keep up the good work, everyone.

Can't wait to see what you all do next.

Anyone fancy a swift debriefing session down at the Coach and Horses?

RUPERT: Gordon? GORDON: No, thanks.

If Shona Andrews passes, lets try Kelly Marsden.

I'll come. I've not got much cash on me at the moment...

Ah, typical bloody writer. I'll treat you.

CLIVE: There's a part in Blood Oranges that you'd be perfect for,

-if you wouldn't mind reading it. - RUPERT: Oh yes?

CLIVE: It's a 30 year old Japanese woman at the moment but I can change all that.

Sorry, I forgot my phone.

Oh, Jackie.

I hope that wasn't too bruising for you.

These artistic types can be fairly temperamental as I'm sure you're aware.

So, do you know who won?

Yes, and I think you'll be satisfied.

Let's just say they voted with their hearts rather than their heads.

And part of that is down to you, so well done. (CHUCKLES)

Cheefio!

No, Giles.

It's because I'm the best actress.

(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)