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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,393 --> 00:00:04,161 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:07,956 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,033 --> 00:00:11,334 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,171 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:17,850 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,926 --> 00:00:21,353 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,931 --> 00:00:24,514 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:30,029 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:37,110 (loud crowd chatter) 11 00:00:37,187 --> 00:00:40,205 God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings. 12 00:00:40,282 --> 00:00:42,699 It's all just weird foreign sports fans, 13 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,494 like those Pakistani cricket hooligans. 14 00:00:45,570 --> 00:00:47,204 If you are not rooting for Lahore, 15 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,206 please you may leave, I can tell you! 16 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,883 Lahore cricketers are the best, 17 00:00:50,959 --> 00:00:54,002 and the others are not the best, dear friends. 18 00:00:54,079 --> 00:00:57,964 I'm for Karachi, but I don't got a death wish about it. 19 00:00:58,041 --> 00:00:59,725 Guys, what's wrong with us? 20 00:00:59,802 --> 00:01:02,052 It's Saturday morning, and we're drinking in a bar. 21 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,805 We should be drinking at the Goodwill donation dumpster. 22 00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:07,733 -Why come? -'Cause right now's when all the yard sales end. 23 00:01:07,810 --> 00:01:10,185 We can get first pick of the abandoned leftovers. 24 00:01:10,262 --> 00:01:11,728 That's a stupid idea. There's not gonna 25 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,855 be anything good in that dumpster. 26 00:01:13,932 --> 00:01:16,817 PETER: What if I told you everything I'm wearing right now 27 00:01:16,893 --> 00:01:18,077 I found in that dumpster? 28 00:01:18,153 --> 00:01:21,238 Is that a bachelorette sash? 29 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:25,167 Scott said I could do hand stuff this weekend, but that's it. 30 00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:30,205 I told you this is stupid. 31 00:01:30,282 --> 00:01:31,748 There's nothing good in here. 32 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,333 Hey, look-- a pair of working legs. 33 00:01:33,410 --> 00:01:34,876 Dibs on these. 34 00:01:34,953 --> 00:01:36,878 Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire! 35 00:01:36,955 --> 00:01:38,505 Joe, I said dibs. 36 00:01:38,582 --> 00:01:41,091 No, no, you're right. You said dibs. 37 00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,769 Whoa. Check it out. A Sorry! board game. 38 00:01:43,846 --> 00:01:45,104 Let me see it. 39 00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:46,721 (soft rattling) 40 00:01:46,798 --> 00:01:49,182 -Three pieces missing. -How'd you do that? 41 00:01:49,259 --> 00:01:52,361 I can shake anything and figure out what all's in there. 42 00:01:54,806 --> 00:01:57,440 You got 11 periods left. 43 00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:00,110 Cool. VHS of Eraserhead. 44 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:03,071 This'll be good for when I never want to sleep again. 45 00:02:03,148 --> 00:02:05,949 Holy crap. 46 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,209 Wha-What? What is it? 47 00:02:10,155 --> 00:02:11,621 A Magic 8 Ball! 48 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,582 This thing can tell the future. 49 00:02:13,658 --> 00:02:15,792 No, it can't, Peter. It's just a stupid toy. 50 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,252 I don't know. Let's test it. 51 00:02:17,329 --> 00:02:20,472 Will there be snow this Christmas? 52 00:02:20,549 --> 00:02:23,425 (gasps) Oh, my God, the ball is right. 53 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:24,759 I should ask again later. 54 00:02:24,836 --> 00:02:26,311 How did it know that? 55 00:02:26,388 --> 00:02:28,388 Guys, from now on, I am living my life 56 00:02:28,465 --> 00:02:30,432 according to the Magic 8 Ball. 57 00:02:30,508 --> 00:02:32,317 It will lead me like the shorebird 58 00:02:32,394 --> 00:02:34,778 that led the first Pilgrims to Boston. 59 00:02:35,914 --> 00:02:38,440 Ahoy! Are you looking to build a city 60 00:02:38,516 --> 00:02:41,443 where sports fans can be notoriously racist? 61 00:02:41,519 --> 00:02:43,871 Yeah, and can we also ruin "Sweet Caroline" 62 00:02:43,906 --> 00:02:46,114 -for everyone else? -Absolutely. 63 00:02:46,191 --> 00:02:49,492 Can our airport security people be responsible for 9/11? 64 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:53,172 And can our own 9/11 be, like, one one-thousandth as bad, 65 00:02:53,248 --> 00:02:55,340 but we'll still make a fricking movie about it? 66 00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:57,125 I think I know just the place. 67 00:02:57,202 --> 00:02:59,836 Okay, I don't know if this is gonna be a problem, 68 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,796 but we forgot to bring the letter "R." 69 00:03:01,873 --> 00:03:03,348 No problem at all. 70 00:03:03,425 --> 00:03:05,851 Right this way, large-faced whites! 71 00:03:05,928 --> 00:03:07,844 ALL (chanting): Let's go, Red Sox! 72 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,354 (rhythmic clapping) 73 00:03:09,431 --> 00:03:11,815 Let's go, Red Sox! 74 00:03:16,772 --> 00:03:18,197 What is that? 75 00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:19,689 It's my Magic 8 Ball. 76 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,200 This is the first black ball 77 00:03:21,276 --> 00:03:23,652 that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with. 78 00:03:23,728 --> 00:03:26,371 Why is it filled with the blue liquid from tampon commercials? 79 00:03:26,448 --> 00:03:28,198 That's a very gross question, Meg. 80 00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:29,917 You may take your breakfast in the attic. 81 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,871 That question aside, I'm having a blast with my new 8 Ball. 82 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,164 It knows everything. Watch. 83 00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:38,124 Magic 8 Ball, 84 00:03:38,201 --> 00:03:41,220 will my middle-of-the-highway puppet show be a success? 85 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,598 Well, I'll show this thing. 86 00:03:47,469 --> 00:03:48,551 (truck horn blaring) 87 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,895 -(tires screeching) -(thud) 88 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,057 How'd it go, Dad? 89 00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,017 I don't know, Sparky. What did you think? 90 00:03:56,094 --> 00:03:59,020 The performance was a little flat. 91 00:03:59,097 --> 00:04:01,698 (instrumental Family Guy theme plays) 92 00:04:13,996 --> 00:04:16,204 Magic 8 Ball. 93 00:04:16,281 --> 00:04:18,164 Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored. 94 00:04:18,241 --> 00:04:20,217 Should I sniff my coworker's hair? 95 00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:24,754 He told me to do it! 96 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,007 Mr. Griffin, if a Magic 8 Ball asked you 97 00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:29,175 to jump off a building, would you do that, too? 98 00:04:29,252 --> 00:04:30,677 Did it? 99 00:04:30,754 --> 00:04:33,179 No, I'm just using that as an example of... 100 00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:35,107 I listened to the toy! 101 00:04:38,928 --> 00:04:42,114 Magic 8 Ball, what's the best e-mail provider? 102 00:04:43,525 --> 00:04:45,859 "Outlook good." Interesting. 103 00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:48,194 He's not raving about it, but it's a solid choice. 104 00:04:48,271 --> 00:04:50,363 Let's go, Peter. Time for church. 105 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,625 Mom said they're gonna serve Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour. 106 00:04:53,702 --> 00:04:55,243 Lois... church? 107 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,245 Who am I supposed to worship-- Jesus? 108 00:04:57,322 --> 00:04:59,080 This is my god now. 109 00:04:59,157 --> 00:05:00,465 Watch your mouth, Peter. 110 00:05:00,542 --> 00:05:03,376 Sorry, Lois, but my religion is now the 8 Ball. 111 00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:06,638 Magic 8 Ball, is the Fox network sustainable 112 00:05:06,715 --> 00:05:08,640 in this new streaming world? 113 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:12,594 No. No! 114 00:05:12,670 --> 00:05:14,054 (gasps) 115 00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:15,805 Kim, what's wrong? 116 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,151 A black ball went to waste. 117 00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:28,985 Are you streaming Mindhunter in church? 118 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,830 I'm trying to stream Mindhunter in church. 119 00:05:35,911 --> 00:05:37,336 Freaking guest Wi-Fi. 120 00:05:37,412 --> 00:05:40,038 You know the priest gets the good Wi-Fi. 121 00:05:40,115 --> 00:05:41,673 And yea, the Lord said... 122 00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:43,625 Whoa, whoa. Mindhunter's going in. 123 00:05:43,701 --> 00:05:45,251 I mean... (clears throat) 124 00:05:45,328 --> 00:05:47,962 Thou art the children of Abraham, and thou shalt... 125 00:05:48,039 --> 00:05:49,348 He's playing you! 126 00:05:49,424 --> 00:05:51,591 You think you're playing him? He's playing you. 127 00:05:51,668 --> 00:05:53,593 I hate this. When do I get my cookie? 128 00:05:53,670 --> 00:05:55,929 I just want my cookie so I can go home. 129 00:05:56,005 --> 00:05:57,972 Now please join me in silent prayer. 130 00:05:58,049 --> 00:05:59,974 And as we settle into the silence, 131 00:06:00,051 --> 00:06:02,352 I remind you that-- in honor of Lent-- 132 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:06,823 today's coffee service will not include Chewy Chips Ahoy. 133 00:06:11,020 --> 00:06:13,822 -(bleep) -(all gasping) 134 00:06:13,898 --> 00:06:15,665 -(Lois gasps) -(congregation murmurs) 135 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,212 Hey, Stewie said his first word. 136 00:06:20,288 --> 00:06:22,214 And it was a swear. 137 00:06:22,290 --> 00:06:24,549 Well, this is unacceptable. 138 00:06:24,626 --> 00:06:27,377 We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast. 139 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,262 Unbelievable. 140 00:06:30,707 --> 00:06:32,048 (car door opens, closes) 141 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,217 (engine starts) 142 00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:36,228 Let's go! 143 00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:45,228 I can't believe Stewie finally said his first word 144 00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:47,313 and it ends up being... that. 145 00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:50,400 Right now, every woman in my mommy wine group is judging me. 146 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:53,445 I may have to start drinking wine at home alone. 147 00:06:53,521 --> 00:06:56,489 -Start? -Not the day for it, Chris! Not the day! 148 00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:58,825 I don't get it, Stewie. You've been talking forever. 149 00:06:58,902 --> 00:07:00,252 Why did everyone suddenly understand you now? 150 00:07:00,328 --> 00:07:01,995 I don't know. 151 00:07:02,071 --> 00:07:04,330 I was feeling so much intense emotion in the moment, 152 00:07:04,407 --> 00:07:06,749 and that one word somehow just burst through. 153 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,927 Yeah, but now what? Everyone can understand you? 154 00:07:09,004 --> 00:07:10,670 I don't think so. 155 00:07:10,747 --> 00:07:13,423 Not unless I'm yelling something I feel strongly about. 156 00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:16,268 Greta Gerwig is a national treasure! 157 00:07:16,344 --> 00:07:18,011 See? Nothing. 158 00:07:18,087 --> 00:07:19,846 I guess I'm not feeling it. I don't know. 159 00:07:19,923 --> 00:07:22,891 What if that's the only thing I'll ever be able to express? 160 00:07:22,967 --> 00:07:25,685 Anger. What kind of a person would I be then? 161 00:07:25,762 --> 00:07:27,270 Larry David, Lewis Black, 162 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,606 a Trump voter, everyone on Twitter. 163 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,691 But I don't want to be any of those things. 164 00:07:31,768 --> 00:07:33,067 They've got to hear me. 165 00:07:33,144 --> 00:07:34,861 Ice cream! Lollipop! 166 00:07:34,938 --> 00:07:36,362 Bubbles! Kitty cat! 167 00:07:36,439 --> 00:07:37,739 (Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays) 168 00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:39,908 Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool! 169 00:07:39,984 --> 00:07:43,912 Fire truck! Goldfish! Finger paint! 170 00:07:43,988 --> 00:07:47,048 (soft chatter, laughter) 171 00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:49,626 Lois, what are you doing here? 172 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,803 What do you mean? You invited us. 173 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,797 Sorry, but we can't have Stewie here. 174 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:56,141 I brought my own veggie burgers, 175 00:07:56,218 --> 00:07:57,800 but I'm not gonna make a big deal about it. 176 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,136 What with his profanity and all, I don't think 177 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,764 Stewie would be a good influence on the other children. 178 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,483 Is there a designated spot on the grill 179 00:08:04,559 --> 00:08:05,808 for the veggie burgers? 180 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,310 And again, not a big deal. 181 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:09,437 You're saying that because of a swear word, 182 00:08:09,514 --> 00:08:12,148 my son isn't good enough for your pool party? 183 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,159 It's a little bit about him swearing, 184 00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:16,286 but mostly about you as a parent. 185 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,739 Kevin, I said, no arrows! 186 00:08:19,816 --> 00:08:21,500 KEVIN: Crossbows don't shoot arrows. 187 00:08:21,576 --> 00:08:23,451 They shoot bolts, dumbass! 188 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,411 (chuckles) Okay, sweetie. 189 00:08:25,488 --> 00:08:28,915 KEVIN: Hey, Dad, did you hear what Einstein called bolts? 190 00:08:28,992 --> 00:08:30,342 JOE: I heard it. 191 00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:35,588 Brian, shut off the television. 192 00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:37,006 It's ruined my baby! 193 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,424 What are you talking about? 194 00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:41,094 Stewie obviously learned to swear from some TV show. 195 00:08:41,170 --> 00:08:44,013 No, he didn't. The only show he watches is Caillou. 196 00:08:44,048 --> 00:08:45,848 Well, then that little French-Canadian weirdo 197 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,142 is the potty mouth, I'm sure of it. 198 00:08:48,219 --> 00:08:50,770 And I'm willing to watch every single episode just to prove it. 199 00:08:50,847 --> 00:08:52,697 NARRATOR: Caillou was upset. 200 00:08:52,774 --> 00:08:56,317 Why am I bald? I'm not a baby. I'm four. 201 00:08:56,394 --> 00:08:58,778 Are kids just bald in Canada? 202 00:08:58,855 --> 00:09:00,405 NARRATOR: So Caillou decided 203 00:09:00,481 --> 00:09:01,781 to look himself up on Wikipedia. 204 00:09:01,858 --> 00:09:03,950 God, this is dull. 205 00:09:04,027 --> 00:09:06,044 CAILLOU: Maybe I'm supposed to be a cancer survivor, 206 00:09:06,121 --> 00:09:08,621 and this show is very inspiring. 207 00:09:08,698 --> 00:09:11,165 NARRATOR: But Caillou wasn't a cancer survivor. 208 00:09:11,242 --> 00:09:14,627 The show's creators just made a weird choice. 209 00:09:14,704 --> 00:09:17,130 Caillou's low-testosterone father 210 00:09:17,206 --> 00:09:19,632 again indulged Caillou's tantrum, 211 00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:22,051 clearly trying to raise a sociopath. 212 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,386 CAILLOU'S FATHER: It's okay, Caillou. 213 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,638 I'll bake you a pie. 214 00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:28,224 NARRATOR: He said, his body flooding with estrogen. 215 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,642 Lois? 216 00:09:29,719 --> 00:09:31,069 Are you dead? 217 00:09:31,146 --> 00:09:32,404 (sniffing) 218 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,896 Can I eat you? 219 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,241 -Huh? What? -Ah, another time. 220 00:09:36,318 --> 00:09:40,320 Oh. I-I, um... I watched that Caillou, and you're right. 221 00:09:40,396 --> 00:09:42,697 Stewie didn't learn that word from Caillou. 222 00:09:42,774 --> 00:09:44,824 That means he learned it from someone in this house. 223 00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:47,085 -Okay. -And I will find out who. 224 00:09:47,162 --> 00:09:48,870 I'm gonna set a trap 225 00:09:48,946 --> 00:09:51,331 and lure the swearer into revealing himself. 226 00:09:51,407 --> 00:09:52,707 That sounds hard. 227 00:09:52,784 --> 00:09:55,418 Oh, I will find the swearer. 228 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:56,669 CAILLOU: Dad, why are we sitting 229 00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:58,263 on the washing machine? 230 00:09:58,340 --> 00:09:59,839 CAILLOU'S FATHER: Because in Canada, 231 00:09:59,916 --> 00:10:01,808 men have vaginas. 232 00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:08,264 Hey, what's with the stairs? Why do they look different? 233 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,891 Oh, I'm trying to prove 234 00:10:09,967 --> 00:10:11,776 that Peter's the one cussing in the house, 235 00:10:11,853 --> 00:10:14,613 so I waxed the staircase for him to fall down. 236 00:10:14,689 --> 00:10:16,773 PETER: Hey, Lois, have you seen my Spider-Man socks? 237 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,024 -I can't seem to... -(thudding) 238 00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:19,525 Ouch. Oh, heavens. 239 00:10:19,602 --> 00:10:20,902 Oh, goodness gracious. 240 00:10:20,978 --> 00:10:22,862 That's smarts. Oh, my. 241 00:10:22,939 --> 00:10:24,289 Egad. Well, I'll be. 242 00:10:24,366 --> 00:10:26,449 Yikes. 243 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,201 Peter, when did you become so polite? 244 00:10:28,277 --> 00:10:30,536 Oh, I've been hanging out with Caillou's beta dad. 245 00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:32,538 In fact, I'm meeting him at the park 246 00:10:32,615 --> 00:10:34,924 to eat unsalted saltines on the swings. 247 00:10:35,877 --> 00:10:37,293 I feel like you're wearing 248 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:40,764 what Rachel Maddow would wear to a pumpkin patch. 249 00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:44,967 NARRATOR: Lois couldn't find the swearer, 250 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,969 nor could she remove the voice 251 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,889 of the grating Caillou narrator from her head. 252 00:10:49,966 --> 00:10:51,983 Make it stop! 253 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:54,361 Not until you kill them all, Lois. 254 00:10:55,230 --> 00:10:56,488 Oh, crap. 255 00:10:56,564 --> 00:10:58,564 It's the lady with the baby who cussed. 256 00:10:58,641 --> 00:11:00,441 -(lock clicks) -MAN: Turn out the lights. 257 00:11:00,518 --> 00:11:01,660 Shh. Quiet, quiet. 258 00:11:01,736 --> 00:11:03,611 H-Hello? 259 00:11:03,688 --> 00:11:05,830 Hello! I know you're in there! 260 00:11:05,907 --> 00:11:07,448 MAN 2: We're closed! 261 00:11:07,525 --> 00:11:09,668 I know you're not closed. 262 00:11:09,744 --> 00:11:11,503 I see the Instacart people in there 263 00:11:11,579 --> 00:11:13,663 emotionlessly filling up their baskets. 264 00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:15,331 MAN: We're a family establishment, 265 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,250 so take your foul-mouthed baby and go away! 266 00:11:17,326 --> 00:11:19,177 Please, let me in! 267 00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:21,754 I can only poop behind a punch-code door! 268 00:11:21,831 --> 00:11:23,014 There's something about the beeps. 269 00:11:23,091 --> 00:11:24,465 It gets things moving! 270 00:11:24,542 --> 00:11:26,259 It's very secure! 271 00:11:26,335 --> 00:11:27,802 MAN 2: Go away! 272 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,595 You can't do this! 273 00:11:29,672 --> 00:11:31,973 When a mom is shunned by groceries, 274 00:11:32,049 --> 00:11:35,143 she has nothing! (crying) 275 00:11:35,219 --> 00:11:38,071 Please! 276 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:44,277 Aah! It's those antibacterial wipes for the shopping carts! 277 00:11:44,353 --> 00:11:46,037 It's burning my eyes! 278 00:11:46,114 --> 00:11:48,456 (bleep)! 279 00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:51,951 ♪ ♪ 280 00:11:52,028 --> 00:11:52,952 Oh, my God. 281 00:11:53,029 --> 00:11:54,537 I-It's me. 282 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,539 I'm the swearer. 283 00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:59,217 (sobbing): Oh, God. 284 00:11:59,294 --> 00:12:02,628 I'm ruining my child! 285 00:12:02,705 --> 00:12:04,055 NARRATOR: Lois was sad, 286 00:12:04,132 --> 00:12:06,299 but not as sad as she was going to be 287 00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:09,510 when she realizes she has to use those ouchie wipes 288 00:12:09,587 --> 00:12:12,021 to make a potty next to the store dumpster. 289 00:12:18,054 --> 00:12:20,062 I feel so awful. 290 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,740 I've corrupted my baby 291 00:12:21,816 --> 00:12:24,743 with my foul language and my terrible anger. 292 00:12:24,819 --> 00:12:27,028 I'm so sorry that happened, Lois. 293 00:12:27,104 --> 00:12:29,363 And Lofthouse cookies weren't available 294 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,990 at any other grocery store? 295 00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,576 Don't worry, Dad. I Instacarted some. 296 00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:34,878 (knocking) 297 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,371 Here's your stuff. 298 00:12:37,448 --> 00:12:38,539 Thank you. Have a good night. 299 00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,333 No. 300 00:12:40,409 --> 00:12:41,760 Anyway, the point is 301 00:12:41,836 --> 00:12:44,754 I have to deal with my anger and fix myself. 302 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:47,256 So I've decided to attend this relaxation retreat 303 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,926 at Vista del Vista Resort. 304 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,385 Uh, gosh, I don't know about that, Lois. 305 00:12:51,462 --> 00:12:52,678 It sounds really expensive. 306 00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:55,014 (sighs) No, I guess you're right. 307 00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:56,682 There's no way we can afford it. 308 00:12:56,759 --> 00:12:58,943 Plus, if I go, that means I won't be here 309 00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:01,270 to help out around the house or feed you guys 310 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,940 or monitor your Internet usage every day... 311 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:04,941 -You should go. -Yeah, Mom, 312 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,451 you should go, for sure. 313 00:13:06,528 --> 00:13:08,703 (upbeat music playing) 314 00:13:10,532 --> 00:13:13,166 Because they want to masturbate, you see. 315 00:13:14,151 --> 00:13:15,126 Okay. 316 00:13:15,203 --> 00:13:16,619 Uh, I don't know what that was, 317 00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:18,463 but, Lois, you should go to that resort. 318 00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:20,131 Go relax and fix yourself. 319 00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:21,624 (gasps) Really? 320 00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,543 You guys'll be okay while I'm gone? 321 00:13:23,619 --> 00:13:24,861 Sure. We'll have fun! 322 00:13:24,863 --> 00:13:27,639 Just like that time me and Chris went Jet Ski'ing. 323 00:13:27,715 --> 00:13:29,549 Yeah! This is awesome! 324 00:13:29,625 --> 00:13:30,642 I know, right? 325 00:13:30,718 --> 00:13:32,218 (dolphin squeaks) 326 00:13:32,295 --> 00:13:33,144 Oh, my God! 327 00:13:33,221 --> 00:13:34,220 It's okay, Chris. 328 00:13:34,297 --> 00:13:35,471 I'm sure that was the only one. 329 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,181 Dolphins swim alone. 330 00:13:37,258 --> 00:13:39,526 (squeaking) 331 00:13:40,895 --> 00:13:42,937 Okay, maybe we should turn back. 332 00:13:43,014 --> 00:13:44,188 No. 333 00:13:44,265 --> 00:13:47,149 Kill every last one of them. 334 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,327 PETER: Chris and I never spoke of that day. 335 00:13:49,404 --> 00:13:52,997 But whenever somebody talks about how smart dolphins are, 336 00:13:53,074 --> 00:13:54,657 Chris and I look at each other like, 337 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,501 "No." 338 00:13:56,578 --> 00:13:59,620 ("Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive" playing) 339 00:13:59,697 --> 00:14:04,008 ♪ You got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive ♪ 340 00:14:04,085 --> 00:14:07,753 ♪ E-lim-i-nate the negative ♪ 341 00:14:07,830 --> 00:14:09,839 ♪ And latch on ♪ 342 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:12,675 ♪ To the affirmative. ♪ 343 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,969 Lois Griffin? My name is Roger, 344 00:14:15,046 --> 00:14:17,096 and I'll be guiding this relaxation adventure 345 00:14:17,173 --> 00:14:18,973 for you and the other white women, 346 00:14:19,050 --> 00:14:21,350 plus an Asian woman who has a white husband back home. 347 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,020 I feel more relaxed already. 348 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:27,982 Now sit down and enjoy some spa music that's mostly rain. 349 00:14:28,059 --> 00:14:30,743 Hey, guys, can we take it from the rain again? 350 00:14:34,065 --> 00:14:37,292 (rainfall sounds) 351 00:14:41,289 --> 00:14:42,714 Well, Chris and Meg are off to school. 352 00:14:42,790 --> 00:14:44,382 Guess it's just you and me now. 353 00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:45,708 You want a Popsicle? 354 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,792 Huh? 355 00:14:46,869 --> 00:14:48,887 Breakfast Popsicle? 356 00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:51,964 Whoa, there's vodka in here. 357 00:14:52,041 --> 00:14:54,216 (gulping) 358 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,894 (bottle clinks) 359 00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:57,729 Now, what-- Uh, now, what is-- 360 00:14:57,805 --> 00:14:59,388 Now, what... (stammers) what did you want? 361 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,473 What... (stammers) 362 00:15:00,549 --> 00:15:02,475 Let's go play in the hot yard. 363 00:15:02,551 --> 00:15:04,736 I'm two and a half hours late for preschool. 364 00:15:04,812 --> 00:15:05,811 Your dad... 365 00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:07,229 What... Who wants milk? 366 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,732 L-Let me quick just check in the freezer. 367 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,984 (gulping) 368 00:15:12,061 --> 00:15:14,403 You-you burger. 369 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,238 Here-Here's your veggie burger. 370 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,573 (stammers) 371 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,741 It'll thaw out. 372 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,242 It... You s-suck on it. 373 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,827 It'll thaw out nice. 374 00:15:21,904 --> 00:15:23,421 All right, I'm out of here. 375 00:15:23,498 --> 00:15:25,757 Ah, this is the perfect amount of drunk 376 00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,834 for a Filet-O-Fish. 377 00:15:28,911 --> 00:15:31,596 ♪ ♪ 378 00:15:32,623 --> 00:15:33,714 TREY: Hey. 379 00:15:33,791 --> 00:15:36,100 I'm, um, Trey Headband, 380 00:15:36,177 --> 00:15:39,261 and I'm your dumb yoga instructor? 381 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,847 Yoga is, um, good? 382 00:15:41,924 --> 00:15:44,600 And from, um, like, China? 383 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,686 Ready? Go. 384 00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:47,937 Go what? 385 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:48,896 What? 386 00:15:48,973 --> 00:15:51,148 Y-You didn't tell us what to do. 387 00:15:51,225 --> 00:15:53,693 Awesome. You guys did great. 388 00:15:53,769 --> 00:15:55,236 Let's take a break. 389 00:15:55,312 --> 00:15:56,612 Who's got yoga questions? 390 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,114 Oh, I have a question. 391 00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,124 What does "namaste" mean? 392 00:16:00,201 --> 00:16:01,200 I don't know. 393 00:16:01,277 --> 00:16:03,285 I've never heard of that. 394 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:06,038 But do you guys remember OP shorts? 395 00:16:06,115 --> 00:16:07,456 What does that have to do with yoga? 396 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,615 I don't know. 397 00:16:08,693 --> 00:16:11,127 I'm just saying, those were pretty rad. 398 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,213 You guys are doing really good. 399 00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:15,589 Keep going. 400 00:16:15,666 --> 00:16:18,134 I'm gonna go to that bathroom right there 401 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,353 and do explosive diarrhea. 402 00:16:21,889 --> 00:16:24,598 (muffled): Just be quiet and meditate now. 403 00:16:24,675 --> 00:16:25,641 Right on? 404 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,936 (sputtering flatulence) 405 00:16:29,013 --> 00:16:31,897 Just, like, be one with the silence. 406 00:16:31,974 --> 00:16:34,242 (flatulence continues) 407 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,445 If you hear a sound, 408 00:16:37,521 --> 00:16:40,114 just, um, rec-knowledge it 409 00:16:40,191 --> 00:16:42,241 and then, like, let it go? 410 00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:43,659 (flatulence continues) 411 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,953 (upbeat music playing) 412 00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:49,507 Meditation doesn't have diarrhea sounds. (chuckles) 413 00:16:49,584 --> 00:16:52,385 All right, let's check in on Peter and the baby. 414 00:16:53,921 --> 00:16:57,173 Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy to mow this very rocky backyard. 415 00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:00,134 So I'll just put you in this baby seat you've grown out of, 416 00:17:00,211 --> 00:17:01,519 right where the rocks are gonna fly. 417 00:17:01,596 --> 00:17:02,729 Wait, what? 418 00:17:04,381 --> 00:17:05,431 (grunting) 419 00:17:05,508 --> 00:17:06,974 Hang on! Stop! 420 00:17:07,051 --> 00:17:09,185 -Aah! -Uhp, there we go. 421 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,687 -(Stewie screaming) -Wow, that's a lot of rocks. 422 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,606 STEWIE: Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off! 423 00:17:13,682 --> 00:17:15,274 -Uhp, the voles are back. -(screaming) 424 00:17:15,351 --> 00:17:17,693 You can tell from all the very many rocks. 425 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:18,944 Look at 'em fly! 426 00:17:19,021 --> 00:17:20,488 (screaming continues) 427 00:17:20,564 --> 00:17:22,948 Still think moving was such a bad idea? 428 00:17:23,025 --> 00:17:24,024 I don't know. 429 00:17:24,102 --> 00:17:25,951 Do we still live with your mother? 430 00:17:26,028 --> 00:17:28,037 (instrumental Family Guy theme plays) 431 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,048 (applause) 432 00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:41,392 Good morning, everyone. 433 00:17:41,469 --> 00:17:43,552 Let me start with another friendly reminder 434 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,846 to please not flush your feminine products. 435 00:17:45,923 --> 00:17:47,565 The yard over the septic tank out back 436 00:17:47,642 --> 00:17:49,975 looks like a Braveheart battlefield. 437 00:17:50,052 --> 00:17:53,187 Okay. Now it's time for everyone to choose a mantra. 438 00:17:53,264 --> 00:17:54,463 What's that? 439 00:17:54,465 --> 00:17:56,816 It's like a word you say that brings you peace. 440 00:17:56,892 --> 00:17:58,192 A special word. 441 00:17:58,269 --> 00:18:00,820 A word of release and catharsis. 442 00:18:00,896 --> 00:18:02,404 You mean like (bleep)? 443 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,772 (gasping) 444 00:18:03,774 --> 00:18:06,325 Now, now, Lois, let's keep things acceptable. 445 00:18:06,402 --> 00:18:08,202 I mean, I'm just saying-- I already have a word 446 00:18:08,279 --> 00:18:10,162 that does all those things when I say it. 447 00:18:10,239 --> 00:18:11,372 -And that word is... -(stammers) 448 00:18:11,448 --> 00:18:13,165 Yes, we heard the word! Lois, please... 449 00:18:13,242 --> 00:18:14,875 No, no, maybe I'm not perfect, 450 00:18:14,952 --> 00:18:16,418 but I'm a good person. 451 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,753 I love my children. 452 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:18,763 I like my husband. 453 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,005 And there are worse things 454 00:18:20,082 --> 00:18:22,383 than occasionally using a swear word. 455 00:18:22,459 --> 00:18:24,393 I'm out of here. 456 00:18:28,257 --> 00:18:30,266 Guys, I'm worried about the baby. 457 00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:32,518 He's hardly touched any of his birdseed. 458 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,603 Are you sure we're shaking him enough? 459 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,188 I'm home! 460 00:18:36,265 --> 00:18:38,566 -(excited chatter) -Yeah! 461 00:18:38,642 --> 00:18:40,568 I missed you guys so much. 462 00:18:40,644 --> 00:18:42,570 I'm so sorry I had that little meltdown. 463 00:18:42,646 --> 00:18:43,696 But, more than that, 464 00:18:43,772 --> 00:18:45,957 I'm sorry I left you guys on your own. 465 00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,783 This is where I want to be. 466 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,460 Is that okay with you guys? 467 00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:50,536 Of course, Lois. 468 00:18:50,613 --> 00:18:52,037 Everyone's glad you're home, 469 00:18:52,114 --> 00:18:54,248 except for mean older brother Buzz, 470 00:18:54,325 --> 00:18:55,916 who never says anything nice. 471 00:18:55,993 --> 00:18:57,585 Uh-oh. Here he is now. 472 00:18:57,661 --> 00:18:58,878 Hey, Lois. 473 00:18:58,954 --> 00:19:00,972 Pretty cool you're back. 474 00:19:01,048 --> 00:19:03,674 Aw, I guess he's not such a bad guy after all. 475 00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:05,977 Also, America should only accept white immigrants. 476 00:19:06,053 --> 00:19:08,137 Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy. 477 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,389 Well, I am so happy to be home. 478 00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:13,934 But there's one little guy I missed most of all. 479 00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:16,896 Where's my baby? 480 00:19:16,972 --> 00:19:18,906 ♪ ♪ 481 00:19:23,187 --> 00:19:24,486 Stewie, 482 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,164 i-it's me. 483 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,157 I'm home. 484 00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:30,659 ♪ ♪ 485 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,328 Mommy! 486 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,287 (gasping) 487 00:19:33,364 --> 00:19:34,288 -Whoa. -Wow. 488 00:19:34,365 --> 00:19:35,840 It's Stewie's second word! 489 00:19:35,917 --> 00:19:37,499 Oh, my God! (chuckles) 490 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,293 His second word was me! 491 00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:40,502 "Mommy." 492 00:19:40,537 --> 00:19:43,014 Oh, I love you, Stewie! 493 00:19:43,090 --> 00:19:45,474 Ooh, ooh. Say that again for Instagram. 494 00:19:49,931 --> 00:19:52,681 Well, well, I guess he doesn't feel like it anymore. 495 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:53,858 -Mommy! -Ah! 496 00:19:53,935 --> 00:19:57,111 Say it again! Say "Mommy" again for Instagram. 497 00:19:58,347 --> 00:19:59,605 (sighs): All right. 498 00:19:59,682 --> 00:20:00,648 I tried. 499 00:20:00,724 --> 00:20:01,699 Mommy! 500 00:20:01,776 --> 00:20:02,742 (bleep)! 501 00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:10,875 Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal 502 00:20:10,952 --> 00:20:12,868 that your second word was "Mommy." 503 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,703 Makes me think you don't want to kill her 504 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,547 and maybe you love her. 505 00:20:16,624 --> 00:20:18,666 (chuckles): No, no, no. No, no, no. 506 00:20:18,742 --> 00:20:20,876 No, no, that's what I wanted you to think. 507 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,220 -What are you talking about? -Yeah. 508 00:20:22,296 --> 00:20:23,337 I scammed you, man. 509 00:20:23,414 --> 00:20:24,964 Took you for a ride, Jack. 510 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,465 You thought you were a big wheel 511 00:20:26,542 --> 00:20:28,634 till you found out squares don't roll, man. 512 00:20:28,711 --> 00:20:30,386 Dig this, hep cat. 513 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:33,889 The Stew-man spun you round like a Bill Evans 45. 514 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,224 Wait, what's happening? 515 00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:36,850 I'll tell you what's happening, Brian. 516 00:20:36,927 --> 00:20:40,479 The whole family's becoming Jack Kerouac's insufferable friends. 517 00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:43,315 No one wants us at their apartment party, ya dig? 518 00:20:43,392 --> 00:20:46,235 Get hip to that, daddy, or skit-scat out of the house. 519 00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:48,537 (playing jazz) 520 00:20:50,658 --> 00:20:52,741 We don't know how to end these shows anymore, 521 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,669 so we just do nonsense. 522 00:21:27,695 --> 00:21:29,662 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 41352

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