All language subtitles for Stephen Colbert 2020 09 30 John Lithgow WEB h264 WEBTUBE_track3_eng

>> THAT WAS THE WORST DEBATE I
HAVE EVER SEEN.

PRESIDENT TRUMP INTERRUPTED OVER
AND OVER.

>> THE PRESIDENT WAS CONSTANTLY
INTERRUPTING.

>> CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.

>> HE DOESN'T WANT TO LET ME
ANSWER BECAUSE HE KNOWS I HAVE

THE TRUTH.

HIS POSITION HAS BEEN TOTALLY,
THOROUGHLY--

( HORN BLOWING )
( CHAINSAW REVVING )

( BIRD SCREECHING )
>> ...BUT EVERYONE HAS

DISCREDITED--
AS A MATTER OF FACT--

( SIREN )
--UNDER OATH.

>> MR. PRESIDENT--
>> YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TWO

MILLION PEOPLE.

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU, THERE
WAS A STORY IN ONE OF THE

PAPERS--
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP, ARE YOU

WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE
SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA GROUPS?

( CRICKETS )
>> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH"

STEPHEN COLBERT.

TONIGHT: SHUT UP, MAN!

PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN
LITHGOW AND JONATHAN ALTER.

FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HOMEIN'.

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE

BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM
STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST

NIGHT'S AGONIZING PRESIDENTIAL
SHOUT-FEST, IN WHICH DONALD

TRUMP INTERRUPTED JOE BIDEN OVER
70 TIMES WHILE CHRIS WALLACE

TRIED TO STOP HIM LIKE A BABY
THROWING PENNIES AT A

BATTLESHIP.

TRUMP WAS OUT OF CONTROL THE
ENTIRE EVENING.

THE WHOLE THING GAVE A NEW
MEANING TO THE TERM "WHITE

NOISE."

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRIS
WALLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

AT THE NEXT DEBATE, THEY
SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MODERATOR A

BUTTON TO BRING ON THE SLIME.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO
DESPISED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.

ACCORDING TO A CBS POLL, OF
THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED IT,

69% FELT ANNOYED.

ANNOYED.

REALLY, EVIDENTLY, "GOUGING OUT
MY EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON"

WAS NOT AN OPTION.

SURPRISINGLY, THE VERY SAME POLL
FOUND THAT 17% OF DEBATE

WATCHERS CAME AWAY
FEELING INFORMED.

REALLY?

17% FELT INFORMED AFTER WATCHING
THAT?

WHAT DID THEY LEARN?

I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY GO LOW,
THEY CAN ACTUALLY GO MUCH

LOWER.

A CNN POLL ALSO FOUND THAT SIX
IN 10 SAY BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.

I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THAT.

THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE,
EXCEPT FOR ARIS, THE TRICKSTER

GOD OF CHAOS.

A WINNER IMPLIES A CONTEST WHERE
THE PARTIES FOLLOW AGREED-UPON

RULES TO REACH A SPECIFIC GOAL.

THIS WAS MORE LIKE WATCHING A
BASKETBALL GAME WHERE THE FINAL

SCORE WAS "THE BEAUTIFUL
FLAMES.

THEY TALK TO ME UPON
ONE THING THAT EXPERTS AGREE ON

IS DEBATES DON'T REALLY CHANGE
ANYTHING.

SO NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE,
AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS TWO MORE

TIMES!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: THE
DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING

THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER
AGAIN AND EXPECTING DONALD TRUMP

TO SHUT UP.

IT'S HARD TO WATCH ANY OF THIS
AND BELIEVE ANYONE COULD STILL

BE OUT THERE UNDECIDED, BUT THEY
EVIDENTLY ARE.

AND LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A
FOCUS GROUP OF THESE MENTALLY

IMPAIRED UNICORNS ORGANIZED BY
REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND GUY

DRUNK DIALING BATMAN, FRANK
LUNTZ.

LUNTZ-- HI, FRANK!

GATHERED 15 UNDECIDEDS TO
RESPOND TO THE DEBATE OVER ZOOM.

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE CAN WE DO THE
NEXT DEBATE OVER ZOOM?

( AS MODERATOR )
"MR. PRESIDENT, I'M PUTTING YOU

ON MUTE.

NO, DON'T SHARE YOUR SCREEN!

YOUR TABS AREN'T SAFE FOR WORK!"
AND LUNTZ ASKED THEM THIS

QUESTION:
>> MICHELLE, WORD OR PHRASE TO

DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP TONIGHT?

>> HORRID.

>> SARAH?

>> CHAOTIC.

>> ROB?

>> UNPOLISHED.

>> RUTHY?

>> CRACKHEAD.

>> Stephen: CRACKHEAD.

HOW DARE YOU MALIGN THE GOOD
NAME OF CRACKHEADS.

UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, CRACKHEADS
HAVE A CLEAR POLICY: GIVE ME

SOME CRACK.

ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER OFFERED
THIS:

( SCREAMING )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

USE THE DIAL, MERRILL.

JUST USE THE DIAL.

BUT DESPITE THEIR HARSH WORDS
ABOUT TRUMP, THE VOTERS STILL

COULDN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS
POST-DEBATE, LIKE JENNIFER FROM

PENNSYLVANIA, WHO SAID THIS:
>> OH, I AM DEFINITELY

UNDECIDED.

I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I'M GOING TO
VOTE TO-- FOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET
MY VOTE.

I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DEBATE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

AT THIS POINT, I TRULY DO NOT
KNOW WHAT COULD SWAY UNDECIDED

VOTERS.

"WELL, THE ONE GUY MAKES ME
EMBARRASSED TO LIVE IN MY

COUNTRY.

BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SLEEPY,
ACCORDING TO THE FIRST GUY WHO,

AGAIN, IS A TOTAL PSYCHOPATH.

SO, IT'S A COIN TOSS."

JENNIFER WASN'T ALONE.

ROB FROM IOWA SAID THIS:
>> THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

PERSONALLY, IT'S A
DARTBOARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

WHO'S GONNA WIN IT.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

BECAUSE WATCHING TRUMP, MY
REACTION WAS LESS DARTBOARD AND

MORE TRANQ DART:
>> THE ONLY THING I HAVEN'T DONE

A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF
THE FAKE NEWS.

>> IT'S JUST FAKE NEWS.

>> Stephen: IT'S FINE.

THEY'RE GOING TO PUT AN EAR TAG
ON HIM AND RELEASE HIM BACK INTO

THE WILD.

HE'S GOT A VERY HIGH THRESHOLD
FOR PAIN.

ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER DID STAND
OUT FROM THE REST BY DELIVERING

A CLEAR, CONCISE OPINION OF THE
PRESIDENT.

HERE'S LUKE FROM WISCONSIN:
>> TRUMP IS ANNOYING.

HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL.

HE'S ANNOYING.

AND IT'S LIKE NAILS ON A
CHALKBOARD.

>> Stephen: YES, FINALLY!

THANK YOU, LUKE.

YOU'RE LIVING PROOF THAT
UNDECIDED VOTERS ARE CAPABLE OF

SEEING THE LIGHT AND--
>> BUT HIM ACTING THAT WAY

DOESN'T NECESSARILY IMPACT MY
BOTTOM LINE.

>> Stephen: UH, MERYL, IF YOU
DON'T MIND?

( SCREAMING )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT
OF THIS-- OR REALLY ANY DEBATE--

WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN

WHITE SUPREMACY.

>> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO
CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS

AND MILITIA GROUPS--
>> SURE.

I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.

I WANT TO SEE PEACE--
>> THEN DO IT, SIR.

>> DO IT.

SAY IT.

>> YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

GIVE ME A NAME.

GIE ME A NAME.

>> WHITE SUPREMICISTS AND RIGHT
WING MILITIA.

>> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND
STAND BY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT
DENOUNCING.

THAT'S TROUBLING.

IT'S LIKE WHEN THE DEBATE
MODERATOR ASKED NIXON TO

DENOUNCE PSYCHOTIC THRILL-KILL
CULTS, AND HE SAID:

MANSON FAMILY, STAND BACK AND
STAND BY.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE LITTLE PIGGIES
CRAWLING IN THE DIRT?

HELTER SKELTER.

HELTER SKELTER!"
HE SAID THAT.

I LEGALLY COULD NOT MAKE THAT
JOKE UNLESS HE ACTUALLY SAID

THAT.

IF I'M WRONG, MR. NIXON, CALL
ME.

THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S
MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR, BECAUSE

WITHIN MINUTES, GROUP MEMBERS
CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S

COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF
THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS.

NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT
IT.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B
OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF

NATURAL LUBRICATION.

THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE OF WORDS
WAS SO INSPIRING TO THESE RACIST

NUMBSKULLS THAT TODAY, THE PROUD
BOYS STARTED SELLING MERCH WITH

THEIR NEW CATCHPHRASE.

A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU
DIDN'T PROPERLY DENOUNCE SOMEONE

IS WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR
DENOUNCIATION THEIR NEW SLOGAN.

THAT'S WHY JOE McCARTHY NEVER
WORE A T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "AT

LONG LAST, SIR, HAVE YOU NO
DECENCY?"

NOW THIS IS A WEIRD LITTLE
DETAIL.

THE PROUD BOYS NAME IS A
REFERENCE TO A SONG FROM THE

STAGED MUSICAL VERSION OF THE
DISNEY FILM "ALADDIN."

IT'S AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO
BROADWAY.

BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU EXPECT
FROM TOXIC RIGHT-WING ALPHA

MALES: SHOW TUNES!

"FOSSE, FOSSE, GOOSE STEP,
FOSSE, FOSSE, SHOOT."

THE GROUP HAS STAUNCH RIGHT-WING
BELIEFS, INCLUDING

"VENERATING THE HOUSEWIFE."

LISTEN, I HOPE THEY HAVE GOOD
LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO THE

NAME OF ANDY CONE'S NEW BRAVO
SHOW!

MOST ALARMINGLY, THEIR PLATFORM
ALSO INCLUDES A PLEDGE TO REFUSE

TO MASTURBATE.

WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE THEIR WHITE
POWER HAND GESTURES LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE READY TO, LET'S SAY,
FLOG THE FUROR AT ANY MOMENT.

WHERE DID THEY RECRUIT THESE
YOUNG MEN?

( AS MOM )
( KNOCKING )

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE,
JOHNNY?"

( AS TEEN )
"NOTHING.

GOD, JUST PLANNING A RACE WAR!"
AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN, "REFUSE"?

WHO'S OUT THERE DEMANDING THAT
THEY MASTURBATE?

( AS PROUD BOY )
"ALL THESE SOCIALIST FEMINISTS

WITH THEIR YOGA PANTS AND SPORTS
BRAS WANT ME TO HAMMER MY OWN

SICKLE!

OOH, THEY WOULD LOVE ME TO SEIZE
MY OWN MEANS OF PRODUCTION!

NOT TODAY, COMRADE!"
NO, DOWN, DOWN!

THE SOUTHERN POVERTY LAW CENTER
DESCRIBES THE PROUD BOYS AS A

FIGHT CLUB FRATERNITY OF YOUNG
WHITE, PRO-TRUMP MEN.

MIGHT SEEM LIKE AN ODD
COMPARISON, BUT REMEMBER THIS

SCENE FROM THE MOVIE:
>> THE FIRST RULE OF

FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T
MASTURBATE!

THE SECOND RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS
DON'T MASTURBATE!

>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WANKERS;
DONALD TRUMP.

THE PRESIDENT APPARENTLY DIDN'T
GET HIS FILL OF SCREAMING INTO A

CAMERA LAST NIGHT, SO HE
HELPED HIMSELF TO SOME LEFTOVER

RAGE IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:
>> CHOPPER TALK!

>> Stephen: WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE
SOMEBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE

STARTED LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS
AND REALIZED THAT "SIDING WITH A

VIOLENT HATE GROUP" DOESN'T POLL
WELL WITH SUBURBAN WOMEN,

BECAUSE TODAY, TRUMP SAID THIS:
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE PROUD

BOYS ARE.

I MEAN, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A
DEFINITION, BECAUSE I REALLY

DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"I DON'T KNOW ANY PROUD BOYS.

MY BOYS ERIC AND DON JUNIOR ARE
ASHAMED BOYS.

AND THEY SHOULD BE.

IF THEY WERE JUST BORN GIRLS,
I COULD HAVE HAD TWO MORE

IVANKAS!"
NOW, HE CONTINUED BY SAYING THE

PEOPLE WHO HE DOESN'T KNOW
SHOULD STOP DOING ANY OF THE

THINGS HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY
OF THEM DOING.

>> AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHO PROUD
BOYS ARE.

BUT WHOEVER THEY ARE, THEY HAVE
TO STAND DOWN, LET LAW

ENFORCEMENT DO THEIR WORK.

>> Stephen: NOTICE HE DIDN'T
ACTUALLY DENOUNCE THE PROUD

BOYS.

SO HIS WALK-BACK STILL HAD A
HINT OF GOOSE STEP.

WHILE TRUMP RAMBLED ABOUT NEW
YORK, ONE REPORTER GAVE HIM ONE

MORE CHANCE TO CLEARLY AND
DEFINITIVELY DENOUNCE WHITE

SUPREMACY.

AND HE CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY
TOOK A PASS.

>> THEY SHOULD STOP DEFUNDING
POLICE LIKE THEY HAVE DONE IN

NEW YORK--
>> BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHITE

SUPREMACISTS, SIR.

>> --LIKE THEY'VE DONE IN
NEW YORK.

I JUST TOLD YOU.

>> BUT DO YOU DENOUNCE THEM?

DO YOU DENOUNCE--
>> I'VE ALWAYS DENOUNCED ANY

FORM--
>> --OF WHITE SUPREMACY?

>> ANY FORM-- ANY FORM OF ANY OF
THAT, YOU HAVE TO DENOUNCE.

>> Stephen: DIDN'T SAY IT AGAIN!

( AS LADY )
"DONALD, DO YOU LOVE ME?"

( AS TRUMP )
"YOU GOTTA LOVE-- AND LOVE IS--

YOU GOTTA DO IT.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID I LOVE LOVING,
IN ANY FORM."

BUT AGAIN, HE TRIED A VARIATION
ON THE VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH

SIDES THING.

>> BUT I ALSO-- JOE BIDEN HAS TO
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ANTIFA.

IT'S NOT A PHILOSOPHY.

THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT HIT
PEOPLE OVER THE HEAD.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"THESE PEOPLE ARE HEAD BOPPERS,

LITTLE BUNNY ANTI-FOO RUNNING
THROUGH THE FOREST, PICKIN'

UP THE PROUD BOYS, AND BOPPIN'
'EM ON THE HEAD."

WITH TUNA CANS.

STILL, TRUMP FEELS GOOD ABOUT
LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, BECAUSE,

UH, RATINGS?

>> I THOUGHT THE DEBATE LAST
NIGHT WAS GREAT.

WE'VE GOTTEN TREMENDOUS REVIEWS
ON IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT
EVENING.

IT WAS AN EXCITING EVENING,
I SEE THE RATINGS WERE VERY

HIGH.

>> Stephen: JUST BECAUSE A LOT
OF PEOPLE WATCH SOMETHING

DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING IS GOOD.

I HEAR PUBLIC EXECUTIONS WERE
QUITE POPULAR IN THEIR DAY.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD HAVE
A TV SHOW CALLED "SO YOU THINK

YOU CAN HAVE A HEAD."

AND FOR THE RECORD, HE'S LYING.

THE RATINGS FOR THE DEBATE WERE
SHARPLY DOWN.

THAT'S SUCH AN EASILY CHECKABLE
LIE AND HE JUST DOESN'T CARE.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN THAT
GEORGE ORWELL NOVEL, YOU KNOW

THE ONE WITH THE PIGS THAT STOOD
ON THEIR HIND LEGS?

BECAUSE IT'S 2020, THE
BELOW-THE-FOLD STORY TODAY IS

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES COMMITTING MASSIVE TAX

FRAUD AND RAIDING THE TREASURY
OF THE UNITED STATES TO KEEP HIS

FAILED BUSINESS EMPIRE AFLOAT.

ALL WEEK, "THE NEW YORK TIMES"
HAS BEEN REPORTING ON TRUMP'S

TAXES FROM THE LAST 20 YEARS.

ON MONDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT
IN THE TWO YEARS BEFORE "THE

APPRENTICE" DEBUTED, "TRUMP'S
SIDE INCOME WAS MOSTLY CONFINED

TO $500,000 FOR APPEARING IN THE
BIG N' TASTY BURGER AD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE McDONALDS PAID
HIM HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

DON'T THEY KNOW THEY COULD HAVE
JUST GIVEN HIM RHW BURGERS?

AND TRUMP MAY HAVE GOTTEN MORE
THAN MONEY FROM THE DEAL.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE AD:
>> IT'S AMAZING-- A BIG AND

TASTY FOR JUST A DOLLAR?

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

>> I DON'T PAY ANY FEDERAL
TAXES.

HUHHUH!

>> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO RECEIVED
"$50,000 FROM THE LIFETIME

CHANNEL FOR A 'JUICY
NIGHTTIME SOAP' THAT NEVER

MATERIALIZED."

OOOH, A TRUMP SOAP OPERA!

WE COULD'VE HAD:
"THE DAYS OF OUR WIVES."

"AS THE WORLD BURNS," AND
"ALL OF MY CHILDREN...

THAT I KNOW OF."

AND NOW, A NEW LAYER HAS BEEN
ADDED TO THE TURDWICH, BECAUSE

WHILE HIS BUSINESSES WERE
ALL FAILING, "TRUMP REPORTEDLY

MADE TENS OF MILLIONS DURING THE
GREAT RECESSION BY PARTNERING

WITH MULTILEVEL MARKETING
COMPANIES."

NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T
KNOW, MULTILEVEL MARKETING IS A

SKETCHY BUSINESS MODEL WHERE YOU
ROPE IN PEOPLE TO SELL A

PRODUCT, THEN THEY ALSO ROPE IN
OTHERS TO WORK FOR THEM, AND ALL

THE MONEY FLOWS UP TO THE TOP.

AND IF YOU STILL DON'T GET IT,
COME OVER THIS WEEKEND.

I HAVE A FANTASTIC BUSINESS
OPPORTUNITY I THINK YOU'D BE

PERFECT FOR.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "HERBALAX
DRINKABLE ALGAE COLONIC

SUPPLEMENTS?"
IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE.

NOW, IN HIS BIGGEST PYRAMID
SCHEME, WORTH $8 MILLION, TRUMP

"TEAMED UP WITH A MULTILEVEL
MARKETING COMPANY, ACN, WHOSE

CLIENTS WERE TOLD THEY COULD
MAKE A LIVING FROM HOME BY

SELLING VIDEO PHONES."

AND ACN WAS SUCH A SCAM THAT, ON
THEIR OWN WEBSITE, THEY POSTED A

PAGE TITLED "THE DIFFERENCE IN
ACN AND A PYRAMID SCHEME."

IF YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT, I THINK
YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

"I BROUGHT THIS CHART EXPLAINING
THAT I DON'T HAVE A COCAINE

"ADDICTION."

IT'S MORE OF A MULTI-LEVEL
COCAINE OPPORTUNITY.

AND I THINK YOU'RE THE KIND OF
SMART INVESTOR WHO HAS WHAT IT

TAKES TO BLOW THINGS UP MY
NOSE."

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

MY GUESTS ARE JOHN LITHGOW AND
AUTHOR JONATHAN ALTER.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, SENATE
REPUBLICANS ARE RUNNING SCARED.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

WELCOME BACK.

LET'S SAY HI TO JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON!

>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.

WHAT'S THE WORD.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE WORD,
THUNDER?

YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT AD.

I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
AD.

THUNDERBIRD WINE.

>> Jon: OH, NO, I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT, WHAT'S THE WORD,
THUNDERBIRD.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE PRICE
30 FOR A FULL QUART.

THAT'S THE DEAL RIGHT THERE.

>> Jon: TALK ABOUT THAT FRED
SANFORD USED TO TALK ABOUT.

>> Stephen: SHAM.

ILE.

CHAMPAGNE AND RIPPLE.

CHAM-PIPPLE.

YOU'RE-- YOU'RE-- YOU'RE SUCH A
CHOIR BOY.

YOU DON'T DRINK.

YOU DON'T SMOKE.

IT'S JUST YOU, THE PIANO, AND
THE LORD ALL THE TIME.

I ADMIRE THAT.

>> Jon: YEAH, I WISH, I MEAN,
SOMETHING ABOUT THE PIANO, WHEN

YOU PLAY-- I WAS JUST PLAYING
SOME OF THIS...

♪ ♪ ♪
YOU GET HIGH OFF THAT.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

WHAT IS THAT?

>> Jon: THAT'S PHILLIP GLASS
"OPENING."

>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT?

>> Jon: THAT'S FROM HIS VERY
FIRST SOLO PIANO RECORD.

IT WAS JUST HIS "PIANO WORKS,"
IT WAS CALLED.

>> Stephen: JON, BEFORE WE GO
ON WITH THE SHOW, DID YOU HAVE

ANY AVANITY GUARD PIANO TO SHARE
WITH US?

( LAUGHS ).

>> Jon: YEAH, OF COURSE,
ALWAYS.

LET'S SEE.

>> Stephen: PLEASE.

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: ALWAYS A PLEASANT

RESOLUTION.

THANK YOU, JON.

( LAUGHS )
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

>> Jon: YES, INDEED.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IN LESS THAN
FIVE WEEKS, WE'RE HAVING WHAT

MANY ARE CALLING THE MOST
ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIME.

BUT THERE'S MORE AT STAKE HERE
THAN JUST GETTING RID OF DONALD

TRUMP.

THERE'S ALSO WINNING BACK THE
SENATE AND GETTING RID OF

SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND FIVE
POUNDS OF FACE IN A THREE-POUND

MASK, MITCH McCONNELL.

IF THE DEMOCRATS PICK UP FOUR
SENATE SEATS, LOOKS LIKE

McCONNELL WILL BE A
BACK-BENCHER.

THANKS TO TRUMP SHANKING THE
PANDEMIC, REPUBLICANS ARE

STRUGGLING IN A LOT OF RED
STATES RACES.

TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR
LINDSEY GRAHAM, SEEN HERE

STUFFING THE LIES BACK IN.

IN 2016, MY HOME STATE WENT TO
DONALD TRUMP BY ALMOST 15

POINTS, BUT THE LATEST POLLS OUT
OF THE PALMETTO STATE HAVE

"GRAHAM VIRTUALLY TIED WITH HIS
DEMOCRATIC CHALLENGER, JAIME

HARRISON."

A HARRISON WIN WOULD BE AMAZING.

IF LINDSEY GRAHAM GETS THROWN
OUT, SOUTH CAROLINA WON'T HAVE

ANYTHING LEFT TO EMBARRASS IT,
OTHER THAN ADULT MEN WEARING

MADRAS.

A BIG REASON GRAHAM IS ON THE
ROPES IS THE CASH, THE GREEN

STUFF.

HARRISON IS PULLING IN MASSIVE
DONATIONS, SO NOW A TEARFUL

GRAHAM HAS BEEN HITTING FOX
NEWS TO PASS THE HAT.

>> IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME AND
OTHER REPUBLICANS, GET IN THE

GAME.

THEY ARE KILLING US FINANCIALLY.

MY OPPONENT IS GOING TO RAISE
$80 MILLION.

I NEED CONSERVATIVES TO HELP ME.

YOU NEED TO HELP US ALL.

I'M BEING OUTSPENT FOUR TO ONE,
OUTRAISED FIVE TO ONE.

I NEED SOME HELP.

HELP ME.

THEY'RE KILLING ME MONEYWISE.

HELP ME.

YOU DID LAST WEEK.

HELP ME AGAIN.

>> Stephen: ( AS GRAHAM )
"HELP ME, PLEASE!

I'LL DO ANYTHING.

I THINK I'VE PROVEN THAT:
OPPOSE TRUMP, SUPPORT TRUMP.

I CAN'T SELL MY SOUL TO THE
DEVIL.

HE KNOWS THAT THING IS A
WORTHLESS HUSK!

THE DEVIL LOW-BALLED ME.

AND I ALSO DON'T HAVE ANY
BALLS."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JON
LITHGOW.

I GAVE THEM TO TRUMP!

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A TONY
AND EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU

KNOW FROM "BOMBSHELL," "THE
CROWN," "TERMS OF ENDEARMENT,"

AND JUST SO MUCH MORE.

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE
SHOW" MY FRIEND AND YOURS, JOHN

LITHGOW.

>> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY
TO SEE YOU.

SOME GUESTS ARE LIKE A VACATION.

THERE'S NO EFFORT.

IT'S JUST SITTING DOWN AND
CHATTING WITH SOMEONE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

>> BUT I WANT YOU ON YOUR GAME.

>> Stephen: SORRY, LET ME GET
A LITTLE COFFEE.

PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS RIGHT
NOW.

BEFORE-- BEFORE WE GET ANY
FURTHER, AS I SAID IN YOUR

INTRO, I NAMED THREE WONDERFUL
THINGS THAT YOU HAD DONE AT

RANDOM.

YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS ON YOUR
C.V. TO PICK FROM.

WHAT WOULD YOU PICK FOR YOUR
INTRO?

WHAT WORKS OF YOURS-- WHAT ROLES
YOU'VE PLAYED, WHAT SHOWS YOU'VE

BEEN IN WOULD YOU SAY, "THOSE
ARE THE DEFINITIVE LITHGOW

ROLES?

>> YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY
THAT MY PERFORMANCE OF THE

CAMPAIGN PRESS RELEASE OF NEWT
GINGRICH ON "THE COLBERT REPORT"

SOME YEARS AGO.

THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE MY FINEST
PERFORMANCE EVER.

REMEMBER THAT NIGHT?

>> Stephen: I URGE EVERYONE TO
GO TO WHATEVER WEB SITE THEY'VE

STORED THAT STUFF ON THESE DAYS,
AND FIND IT.

LITHGOW-GINGRICH.

TRULY.

>> IT HOLDS UP.

IT HOLDS UP.

AND I'M STOPPED THREE, FOUR
TIMES ON EVERY BLOCK RECALLING

THAT PERFORMANCE.

>> Stephen: WELL, HOW ABOUT
THIS?

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD PICK,
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.

WHAT DO PEOPLE-- LIKE, WHEN
PEOPLE WALK DOWN THE STREET AND

YOU REALIZE OH, THEY RECOGNIZE
YOU AND YOU KNOW THEY'RE ABOUT

TO COME OVER TO YOU AND SAY I
LOVE "X," "Y," OR "Z" WHAT

YOU'VE DONE.

WHAT DO THEY USUALLY PICK?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S USUALLY THE
MOST RECENT.

RECENTLY IT'S BEEN A LOT OF "THE
CROWN," AND "BOMBSHELL."

"THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN" AND
"DEXTER."

IF SOMEONE COMES UP TO ME WITH A
HAMMER AND WANTS ME TO AUTOGRAPH

IT, I KNOW THEY'RE BIG "DEXTER"
FANS.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW TO GET
AWAY QUICKLY.

>> NO, I DUTIFULLY SIGN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

>> THERE ARE A LOT OF
AUTOGRAPHED HAMMERS OUT THERE.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND-- AND
I WAS-- THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF

A NICE-- NICE THING IS THAT I
FOUND OUT THAT YOU'RE MISTAKEN

FOR ANOTHER GREAT PERFORMER
SOMETIMES.

WHO IS THAT?

>> YOU KNOW, YES.

DON CLEASE.

I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY
TIME.

AND JON APPEARED ON "THIRD ROCK
FROM THE SON" WITH US, AS MY

DOPPELGANGER.

SO IT HAPPENS.

THAT'S EXPLAINABLE.

>> Stephen: IT'S A COMPLIMENT.

>> WHEN THEY ASK FOR MY
AUTOGRAPH, I DUTIFULLY SIGN.

>> Stephen: YOU SIGN JOHN
CLEASE?

>> YOU KNOW, WHAT ELSE AM I
GOING TO SIGN, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: TO YOU AFFECT A
BRITISH ACCENT FOR THIS?

>> NO, IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN
EVERYTHING, IT PROLONGS THE

INTERACTION.

SO-- ANYWAY, I'M A HUGE FAN OF
JOHN CLEASE.

SO I TAKE IT AS AN ENORMOUS
COMPLIMENT.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I WANT
TO HAVE DIFFERENT WITH YOU,

LITHGOW.

WE'VE GOT TO HAVE DINNER.

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT FOR MANY
YEARS.

>> WE HAVE.

>> Stephen: MY WIFE AND YOUR
WIFE AND ALL GO TO DINNER.

I HAD DINNER WITH CLEASE,
RCENTLY.

>> DID YOU.

>> Stephen: IT WAS A HUGE
THRILL FOR ME.

A LOVELY GUY.

H BOUGHT A VERY EXPENSIVE
BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE, AND IT WAS

VERY LOVELY, AND NOW I HAVE TO
COMPARE DINNER.

I HAVE TO COMPARE MY CLEASES.

>> YOU MIGHT GET CONFUSED.

WE'RE OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR EACH
OTHER.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW
BOOK HERE.

"TRUMPTY DUMPTY WANTED A CROWN."

VERSES FOR A DESPOTIC AGE.

IT CAME OUT YESTERDAY.

YOU WROTE IT AND ILLUSTRATED.

WHEN DID YOU FIRST START WRITING
POETRY?

>> OH, I-- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I-- BY AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE,

JUST LIKE A WEEK OR TWO AGO,
LIKE, A BEST FRIEND OF MY OLDER

SISTER, TWO YEARS OLDER THAN I,
A WOMAN NAMED JESSICA ANDREWS.

SHE SENT ME, AFTER ALL THESE
YEARS, A PHOTOCOPY OF A PAGE

FROM HER AUTOGRAPH BOOK FROM
1955, WHICH I HAD SIGNED FOR

HER.

AND JUST FOR THE OCCASION --
>> Stephen: SHE KNEW-- SHE

KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE SO
GREAT BACK THEN SHE ASKED YOU TO

SIGN HER AUTOGRAPH BOOK.

>> SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS
GOING TO DO.

>> Stephen: DID YOU SIGN IT
JOHN CLEASE?

>> YOU KNOW, I DNGT THINK OF IT
AT THE TIME.

I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.

I WROTE, "JESSICA, COKE AND
BOTTLES, JELLY AND JARS, FACES

LIKE YOURS COME FROM MARS.

JOHN LITHGOW."

TURNS OUT, THIS WAS THE
BEGINNING OF MY CAREER AS A

POEET.

THIS IS A CLASSIC DOCUMENT.

>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.

THAT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

>> AND NOT A BAD POEM, I MIGHT
ADD.

>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.

NOW, YOU-- YOU DID SOMETHING
THAT VERY FEW AUTHORS DO.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE
BROUGHT A CLIP OF YOUR BOOK.

AND I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT WORKS.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU HAVE A CLIP OF THE BOOK?

>> YOU KNOW, NOT MANY AUTHORS
HAVE A CLIP OF THEIR BOOK, BUT

THIS IS THE COVID ERA.

YOU CAN'T DO A BOOK TOUR.

SO I-- A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, I
THOUGHT OF A BRIGHT IDEA.

I CALLED ON MY DIRECTOR FRIEND
TIM VAN PATTEN.

HE-- HE CALLED UP THESE THREE
BRILLIANT YOUNG GUYS HE WORKS

WITH AND CREATED SOMETHING
CALLED TRYPTIC STUDIO.

I CALLED UP 19 OF MY ABSOLUTELY
TERRIFIC ACTOR FRIENDS, AND A

COUPLE OF POLITICO JOURNALISTS,
TOO, EVEN AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST.

I ASKED THEM TO RECORD A SINGLE
POEM OF MINE, JUST AS WE'RE

RECORDING NOW, IN THEIR LIVING
ROOM, ON THEIR iPHONE, AND

SEND THEM IN TO THESE CRYPTIC
STUDIO GUYS.

AMONG ALL OF US WE HAVE SPUN
TOGETHER 21 LITTLE TWO-MINUTE

VIDEOS OF MY POEMS, INCLUDING MY
ILLUSTRATIONS BROUGHT TO LIFE

WITH VERY SIMPLE ANIMATION.

AND WE'RE ROLLING THEM OUT,
LIKE, ONCE EVERY FOUR, FIVE

DAYS.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE CLIP
WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE?

>> YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE THE GREAT
MERYL STREEP READING FROM MY

POEM "THE TOREYS" OR "THE TIGER
KING."

IT'S AN ALLEGORY OF DONALD
TRUMP.

YOU'LL SEE.

>> HAVING CRAVE EDGE FAILED TO
DERAIL OR UNHORSE HIM, THE

TOREYS WERE FINALLY FORCED TO
ENDORSE HIM.

DESPITE HOW HE MADE THEM ALL
TREMBLE AND COWER, THEY DECIDED

AT LAST THEY WOULD RIDE HIM TO
POWER.

CIVILLY JUSTICE AND REASON TOOK
WING AS DUMPTY WAS CROWNED THE

SUPREME TIGER KING.

THEN WITH MURDEROUS APPETITE
SAVAGE AND HEARTY, HE ATE EVERY

SOUL IN THE GRAND TOREY PARTY.

>> PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

>> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC.

THAT IS FANTASTIC.

NOT EVERYBODY CAN CALL IN A
FAVOR FROM MERYL STREEP.

NICELY DONE.

>> MERYL AND SAM CLOSE, AND
SAM JACKSON, WHOOPIE GOLDBERG.

IT'S THIS MARVELOUS BUNCH OF
PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: DID YOU NOT-- DID
YOU NOT-- I DIDN'T-- I MUST HAVE

GOTTEN GOTTEN LOST IN THE
E-MAIL.

I NEVER GOT THE REQUEST.

>> YOU WERE-- THIS IS GOSPEL
TRUTH.

YOU WERE ON OUR LIST, BUT I WAS
A LITTLE AFRAID YOU WOULD BE

ANXIOUS ABOUT CONFLICT OF
INTEREST.

( LAUGHS )
I DON'T KNOW WHY.

>> Stephen: I'M SUCH A STRONG
SUPPORTER OF THE PRESIDENT.

I UNDERSTAND.

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO
SENSITIVE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE BEEN DOING
SOMETHING DURING QUARANTINE.

YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING AT
SOMETHING YOU CAN ALREADY DO BUT

HAVE BECOME THE MASTER OF IT.

SPEED SKETCHING.

WHAT IS SPEED SKETCHING?

>> YOU KNOW, WELL, IT'S SIMPLY
HITTING VIDEO-- THE LITTLE VIDEO

BUTTON, STOP-ACTION BUTTON ON
YOUR-- OH, GOD!

ON YOUR iPHONE.

AND IT SPEEDS THINGS UP.

BUT JUST FOR YOU, I BROUGHT
ALONG PROPS AND SHOW-AND-TELL

EQUIPMENT.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> I DECIDED TO DO A SPEED
DRAWING OF STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> Stephen: IS THAT PAD BLANK
RIGHT NOW?

>> IT'S BLANK NOW, BUT I'M GOING
TO DRAW YOU.

THIS PREARRANGED BY YOUR
WONDERFUL...

WATCH THIS.

I'M NOT EVEN USING...

iPHONE TECHNOLOGY.

OKAY...

THIS IS MY LITTLE GIFT TO YOU.

NOT BAD, HUH?

>> Stephen: NOT BAD AT ALL.

>> OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

HOW MANY TIMESES HAVE YOU BEEN
PORTRAYED BY-- IN PEN AND INK ON

YOUR SHOW?

>> Stephen: I'M HONORED.

I'M HONORED.

AND I NEED TO GET A SIGNED COPY
OF THIS, TOO, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

JOHN.

>> IT'S ALREADY ON THE WAY.

>> IT IS.

>> THERE AGAIN, GOSPEL TRUTH.

>> Stephen: AND DINNER?

>> YOU KNOW, AND DINNER.

EVY AND MARY.

>> Stephen: AND NEXT TIME
YOU'RE IN NEW YORK BECAUSE I

DON'T COME TO LOS ANGELES.

>> THAT SHOULD BE ABOUT FIVE
YEARS FROM NOW.

THESE DAYS, I CAN'T COME TO NEW
YORK.

I'LL GET THERE, I'LL GET THERE.

>> Stephen:
>> Stephen: HIS NEW BOOK,

"TRUMPTY DUMPTY WANTED A
CROWN," IS AVAILABLE NOW.

MR. JOHN LITHGOW, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AUTHOR
JONATHAN ALTER.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY NEXT GUEST IS AN MSNBC
ANALYST AND "NEW

YORK TIMES" BESTSELLING
PRESIDENTIAL BIOGRAPHER.

HIS LATEST BOOK, ON THE LIFE AND
TIMES OF JIMMY CARTER, IS CALLED

"HIS VERY BEST."

PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW,"
JONATHAN ALTER.

JON, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> HI, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: PEOPLE OUT THERE
DON'T KNOW, BUT FOR REASONS WE

DON'T HAVE TO GET INTO RIGHT
NOW, YOU WERE A PERSON WHO WAS A

GREAT RESOURCE FOR ME OVER AT
THE "COLBERT REPORT."

YOU GAVE US PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT
HAPPENS HAPPENING POLITICALLY

FREQUENTLY ON THAT SHOW.

AND YOU HAVE A REAL VIEW ON THE
HISTORY OF THE POLITICS IN

AMERICA.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THE DEBATE WE SAW LAST NIGHT?

>> YOU KNOW, NO.

IT IS COMPLETELY UNPRECEDENTED.

IT'S ALSO AN EXTRAORDINARILY
EMBARRASSING MOMENT FOR OUR

COUNTRY.

AND I KIND OF ACHE FOR OUR
COUNTRY AFTER SEEING THAT.

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE WORLD IS
WATCHING, AND THIS MAN IS, YOU

KNOW, A MENACE TO PUBLIC HEALTH,
A MENACE TO OUR COUNTRY, A

MENACE TO DEMOCRACY.

AND THAT'S WHAT THE REAL ISSUE
IS NOW, IS THAT HE'S MADE IT

CLEAR THAT HE WILL NOT ACCEPT
THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION IF

THEY DON'T GO HIS WAY.

WE HAVE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN OUR WHOLE

HISTORY.

GEORGE WASHINGTON, AFTER A
SECOND TERM, HE STEPPED DOWN AS

PRESIDENT.

AND THAT SET THE PRECEDENT,
REALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN

THE WHOLE WORLD, OF A PEACEFUL
TRANSFER OF POWER.

AFTER THAT, EVERY ELECTION,
THERE WAS A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

POWER, EVEN WHEN IT WAS
EXTRAORDINARILY CLOSE, WENT TO

THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES,
THERE STILL WAS THAT TRANSFER OF

POWER.

>> Stephen: WELL, LET'S TALK
ABOUT A PRESIDENT WHO IS MUCH

MALINED DURING HIS TERM, AND
CERTAINLY HIS PRESIDENCY HAS

BEEN MALIGNED SINCE, BUT HE
INVENTED THE POSTPRESIDENT.

ASK THAT IS JIMMY CARTER.

THE BOOK IS CALLED "HIS VERY
BEST."

DO YOU THINK CARTER IS
MISUNDERSTOOD?

>> YOU KNOW, HE IS COMPLETELY
MISUNDERSTOOD.

I MEAN, IT STARTS WITH, YOU
KNOW, THIS KIND OF LAZY-MINDED

ASSUMPTION, WHICH IS VERY COMMON
AND UNDERSTANDABLE, THAT HE WAS

A BAD PRESIDENT AND A GREAT
FORMER PRESIDENT.

IN FACT, HE WAS AN UNDER-RATED,
MISUNDERSTOOD PRESIDENT.

AND, YOU KNOW, AN INSPIRATIONAL
FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT HE HASN'T

HAD ANY LEVERS OF POWER, YOU
KNOW, TO DO-- TO MAKE REAL

CHANGE.

HE'S HELPED ERADICATE DISEASE.

HE DID SOME PEACEMAKING.

HE'S BUILT HOUSES, AS PEOPLE
KNOW.

HE'S MONITORED ELECTIONS
OVERSEAS-- ALL GREAT WORK BY THE

CARTER CENTER.

HE REVOLUTIONIZED WHAT FORMER
PRESIDENTS DO.

BUT HE DID SO MUCH MORE WHEN HE
WAS IN OFFICE.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE WAS A
POLITICAL FAILURE AND A

STYLISTIC FAILURE AT A CERTAIN
POINT.

I ARGUE THAT EVEN THOUGH HE WAS
A POLITICAL FAILURE AND GOT HIS

BUTT KICKED BY RONALD REAGAN IN
1980 AND MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES,

HE WAS A SUBSTANTIVE AND
FARSIGHTED, EVEN VISIONARY

SUCCESS.

EIGHT OUT OF 14 ENVIRONMENTAL
BILLS HE SIGNED.

HE SIGNED MORE LEGISLATION THAN
ANY PRESIDENT, EXCEPT FOR LYNDON

JOHNSON, SINCE WORLD WAR II.

AND MANY OF THEM CHANGED-- MANY
OF THESE BILLS CHANGED THE

COUNTRY IN FUNDAMENTAL WAYS.

THE PRESS JUST WASN'T PAYING
ATTENTION TO IT.

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU SAT
DOWN WITH THE PRESIDENT MANY

TIMES FOR THIS BOOK.

HE COOPERATED WITH THIS
BIOGRAPHY.

>> HE DID.

>> Stephen: WHAT SURPRISED YOU
ABOUT THE MAN?

I KNOW HE'S IN HIS 90s NOW.

WHAT DID YOU NOT EXPECT?

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK A LOT
OF IT WAS JUST THE MODESTY OF

HIS LIFE, AND THE FACT THAT, YOU
KNOW, HE AND ROSALYN, THEY SLEEP

ON A MURPHY BED WHEN THEY'RE IN
ATLANTA.

THEY SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME IN
PAST ON THE ROAD TRAVELING TO

120 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES DOING
GOOD WORKS.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IN ATLANTA, THEY
SLEEP ON A MURPHY BED AT THE

CARTER CENTER.

AND, YOU KNOW, HE CUT THE GRASS
FOR A LONG TIME, UNTIL QUITE

RECENTLY, AT THEIR CHURCH.

AND THEY'RE VERY ACTIVE IN, YOU
KNOW, LOCAL THINGS-- CHURCH

SUPPER ON PAPER PLATES.

THINGS ABOUT THEIR LIVES.

MRS. CARTER GAVE ME THE LOVE
LETTERS WHICH HE WROTE HER FROM

THE NAVY.

WHICH ARE VERY STEAMY.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YOU KNOW, AND THEY ARE QUITE
A BIT BEYOND JOHN AND ABIGAIL

ADAMS IN THEIR EXPLICITNESS.

>> Stephen: ARE THEY IN THE
BOOK?

>> THEY'RE IN THE BOOK.

>> Stephen: I THINK YOU MOVED
SOME PAPER.

WE HAVE A SEXY PEANUT FARMER IN
HERE.

>> AND SOME AWESOME STUFF I
FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM.

AT ONE POINT HE WENT DOOR TO
DOOR AS A MISSIONARY, AND HE

CAME ACROSS A BROTH EXPEL TRIED
TO CONVERT THE MADAM.

HE IS NOT INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE
NOT AS RELIGIOUS AS HIM.

HE BECAME FRIENDLY WITH BOB
DYLAN.

GONZO HUNTER HELPED MAKE CARTER
PRESIDENT.

ONE OF THE REASONS I WANTED THAT
ANDY WARHOL OF HIM ON THE COVER

IS THERE WAS A TIME WHEN HE WAS
VERY COOL, AND I THINK A YOUNGER

GENERATION IS KIND OF
REDISCOVERING HIM NOW, IN PART

BECAUSE HE IS THE UN-TRUMP.

>> Stephen: HIS 96th
BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW.

OTHER THAN BUYING THIS BRILLIANT
BIGRAPHY OF JIMMY CARTER, HOW

CAN PEOPLE CELEBRATE IT?

>> FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR
THE COLBERT BUMP.

>> Stephen: YOU GOT IT.

>> SO I THINK THE WAY TO HONOR
HIM IS HE IS ASKING FOR PEOPLE

NOT TO GIVE RIGHT NOW TO THE
CARTER CENTER, BUT TO GIVE FOR

COVID RELIEF.

THERE ARE A LOT OF COUNTRIES
THAT THAT ARE IN REAL DANGER AND

DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES WE
HAVE, EVEN THOUGH WE'VE SUFFERED

WORSE THAN ANY OTHER MAJOR
COUNTRY.

AND, ALSO, HE FEELS REALLY
STRONGLY, BECAUSE HE'S MONITORED

ALL THESE ELECTIONS, ABOUT THE
INTEGRITY OF ELECTIONS, AND I

THINK HE WOULD URGE PEOPLE TO BE
POLL WATCHERS, TO, YOU KNOW,

BRING FRIENDS TO VOTE FOR BIDEN,
NOT JUST YOURSELF.

MAYBE USE THE CALL TOOLS SO YOU
CAN CALL INTO BATTLEGROUND

STATES TO GET OUT THE VOTE.

AND I THINK THAT THE GREATEST
96th BIRTHDAY PRESENT THAT

ANYBODY COULD GIVE HIM WOULD BE
TO WORK THEIR BUTTS OFF FOR JOE

BIDEN AND SAVE OUR DEMOCRACY
>> Stephen: HIS BOOK, "HIS VERY

BEST," IS OUT NOW.

THE MAN IS JONATHAN ALTER,
EVERYBODY.

WHEN WE COME BACK, ONE OF MY
WRITERS HEADS OUT INTO THE WILDS

OF COVID PARENTHOOD.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, DURING THESE LONG
MONTHS OF QUARANTINE, WE'VE ALL

LEARNED A LOT.

FOR INSTANCE, BEFORE THIS YEAR,
I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS POSSIBLE TO

HAVE NIGHT SWETS DURING A
DAYDREAM.

WITH SO MANY PEOPLE KEPT OUT OF
THEIR OFFICES AND AWAY FROM THE

CROWDED CITIES, THIS PANDEMIC
HAS ALSO ALLOWED MANY AMERICANS

TO RECONNECT WITH NATURE.

IN FACT, ONE OF MY HEAD WRITERS,
JAKE, HAS USED HIS TIME WORKING

REMOTELY TO SHARE A HABITAT WITH
WILD ANIMALS.

TONIGHT HE FILES THIS VIDEO
JOURNAL.

( BIRDS CHIRPING )
>> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FASCINATED

BY THE NATURAL WORLD.

AND WHEN THE PANDEMIC CAME, I
GOT THE RARE OPPORTUNITY TO

OBSERVE WILD CREATURES IN THEIR
NATURAL HABITAT.

I HAVE BEEN LIVING AMONG MY
KIDS.

BEFORE QUARANTINE, I KNEW VERY
LITTLE OF THESE SMALL, BIPEDAL

HOMINIDES.

I WOULD SEE THEM IN PICTURES,
OVERHEAR THEIR CALL OR CATCH

GLIMPSES OF THEIR RITUAL DANCES.

NOW, AFTER OBSERVING THEM UP
CLOSE WITH THEIR HUMAN EMOTIONS

AND FEATURES, I FINALLY
UNDERSTAND WHY SCIENTISTS

ESTIMATE THEIR D.N.A. IS UP TO
50% IDENTICAL TO MY OWN.

I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CAPTURE SOME
INCREDIBLE FOOT ANNUAL OF THEM,

BECAUSE THEY JUST TAKE MY PHONE
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS

FOR MOST OF THE DAY.

I'VE DISCOVERED THAT THERE ARE
FAR MORE OF THEM THAN I EVER

WOULD HAVE PRESUMED.

I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES.

THE TALL ONE I CALL STRYKER.

THE MIDSIZED RON, RUMBLE FOOT.

AND THE SMALLEST, BENJI, BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT HIS MOM KEEPS

CALLING HIM, AND I'M PRETTY SURE
IT'S HIS NAME.

THEY APPEAR TO HAVE A
HIERARCHICAL SOCIETY, BUT IT

SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE MISSING AN
AUTHORITY FIGURE.

THIS WEEK, THE ALPHA LOCKED EYES
WITH ME.

I THINK I MIGHT BE EARNING HIS
RESPECT.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING A JOURNAL OF
MY OBSERVATIONS, AND,

APPARENTLY, THEY GOT TO THIS,
TOO.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE ALSO BEEN
OBSERVING ME.

I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT I TAUGHT
THEM THINGS, LIKE FRACTIONS AND

SPELLING.

BUT I BELIEVE THEY'VE TAUGHT ME
SO MUCH MORE.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT RIGHT
NOW, BECAUSE I'M REALLY TIRED.

( SCREAMING )
I'M REALLY TIRED.

WHAT WAS THIS?

WHAT IS THIS?

AND I BELIEVE WITH THE
EXPERIENCES WE'VE SHARED THEY

MIGHT ONE DAY ACCEPT ME AS ONE
OF THEIR OWN.

GUYS.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO!

GUYS.

I THINK-- I THINK YOU BROKE MY
PHONE.

I THINK YOU BROKE MY PHONE.

>> Stephen: STAY SAFE, JAKE.

( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LATE SHOW."

TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE ETHAN HAWKE, AND A LEAD

PROSECUTOR FOR THE MUELLER
INVESTIGATION, ANDREW WEISSMANN.

JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT WITH HIS
GUEST HILARY CLINTON.

BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY GOODNIGHT
WITH SOME MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE

AND STAY HUMAN.

Captioning sponsored by CBS
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