Original subtitles

>> THAT WAS THE WORST DEBATE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

PRESIDENT TRUMP INTERRUPTED OVER AND OVER.

>> THE PRESIDENT WAS CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.

>> CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.

>> HE DOESN'T WANT TO LET ME ANSWER BECAUSE HE KNOWS I HAVE

THE TRUTH.

HIS POSITION HAS BEEN TOTALLY, THOROUGHLY--

( HORN BLOWING ) ( CHAINSAW REVVING )

( BIRD SCREECHING ) >> ...BUT EVERYONE HAS

DISCREDITED-- AS A MATTER OF FACT--

( SIREN ) --UNDER OATH.

>> MR. PRESIDENT-- >> YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TWO

MILLION PEOPLE.

AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU, THERE WAS A STORY IN ONE OF THE

PAPERS-- >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, ARE YOU

WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA GROUPS?

( CRICKETS ) >> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH"

STEPHEN COLBERT.

TONIGHT: SHUT UP, MAN!

PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN LITHGOW AND JONATHAN ALTER.

FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMEIN'.

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE

BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST

NIGHT'S AGONIZING PRESIDENTIAL SHOUT-FEST, IN WHICH DONALD

TRUMP INTERRUPTED JOE BIDEN OVER 70 TIMES WHILE CHRIS WALLACE

TRIED TO STOP HIM LIKE A BABY THROWING PENNIES AT A

BATTLESHIP.

TRUMP WAS OUT OF CONTROL THE ENTIRE EVENING.

THE WHOLE THING GAVE A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "WHITE

NOISE."

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRIS WALLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

AT THE NEXT DEBATE, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MODERATOR A

BUTTON TO BRING ON THE SLIME.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DESPISED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.

ACCORDING TO A CBS POLL, OF THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED IT,

69% FELT ANNOYED.

ANNOYED.

REALLY, EVIDENTLY, "GOUGING OUT MY EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON"

WAS NOT AN OPTION.

SURPRISINGLY, THE VERY SAME POLL FOUND THAT 17% OF DEBATE

WATCHERS CAME AWAY FEELING INFORMED.

REALLY?

17% FELT INFORMED AFTER WATCHING THAT?

WHAT DID THEY LEARN?

I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY GO LOW, THEY CAN ACTUALLY GO MUCH

LOWER.

A CNN POLL ALSO FOUND THAT SIX IN 10 SAY BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.

I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THAT.

THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE, EXCEPT FOR ARIS, THE TRICKSTER

GOD OF CHAOS.

A WINNER IMPLIES A CONTEST WHERE THE PARTIES FOLLOW AGREED-UPON

RULES TO REACH A SPECIFIC GOAL.

THIS WAS MORE LIKE WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME WHERE THE FINAL

SCORE WAS "THE BEAUTIFUL FLAMES.

THEY TALK TO ME UPON ONE THING THAT EXPERTS AGREE ON

IS DEBATES DON'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING.

SO NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS TWO MORE

TIMES!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING

THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DONALD TRUMP

TO SHUT UP.

IT'S HARD TO WATCH ANY OF THIS AND BELIEVE ANYONE COULD STILL

BE OUT THERE UNDECIDED, BUT THEY EVIDENTLY ARE.

AND LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A FOCUS GROUP OF THESE MENTALLY

IMPAIRED UNICORNS ORGANIZED BY REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND GUY

DRUNK DIALING BATMAN, FRANK LUNTZ.

LUNTZ-- HI, FRANK!

GATHERED 15 UNDECIDEDS TO RESPOND TO THE DEBATE OVER ZOOM.

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE CAN WE DO THE NEXT DEBATE OVER ZOOM?

( AS MODERATOR ) "MR. PRESIDENT, I'M PUTTING YOU

ON MUTE.

NO, DON'T SHARE YOUR SCREEN!

YOUR TABS AREN'T SAFE FOR WORK!" AND LUNTZ ASKED THEM THIS

QUESTION: >> MICHELLE, WORD OR PHRASE TO

DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP TONIGHT?

>> HORRID.

>> SARAH?

>> CHAOTIC.

>> ROB?

>> UNPOLISHED.

>> RUTHY?

>> CRACKHEAD.

>> Stephen: CRACKHEAD.

HOW DARE YOU MALIGN THE GOOD NAME OF CRACKHEADS.

UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, CRACKHEADS HAVE A CLEAR POLICY: GIVE ME

SOME CRACK.

ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER OFFERED THIS:

( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

USE THE DIAL, MERRILL.

JUST USE THE DIAL.

BUT DESPITE THEIR HARSH WORDS ABOUT TRUMP, THE VOTERS STILL

COULDN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS POST-DEBATE, LIKE JENNIFER FROM

PENNSYLVANIA, WHO SAID THIS: >> OH, I AM DEFINITELY

UNDECIDED.

I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I'M GOING TO VOTE TO-- FOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET MY VOTE.

I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DEBATE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

AT THIS POINT, I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT COULD SWAY UNDECIDED

VOTERS.

"WELL, THE ONE GUY MAKES ME EMBARRASSED TO LIVE IN MY

COUNTRY.

BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SLEEPY, ACCORDING TO THE FIRST GUY WHO,

AGAIN, IS A TOTAL PSYCHOPATH.

SO, IT'S A COIN TOSS."

JENNIFER WASN'T ALONE.

ROB FROM IOWA SAID THIS: >> THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

PERSONALLY, IT'S A DARTBOARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

WHO'S GONNA WIN IT.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

BECAUSE WATCHING TRUMP, MY REACTION WAS LESS DARTBOARD AND

MORE TRANQ DART: >> THE ONLY THING I HAVEN'T DONE

A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FAKE NEWS.

>> IT'S JUST FAKE NEWS.

>> Stephen: IT'S FINE.

THEY'RE GOING TO PUT AN EAR TAG ON HIM AND RELEASE HIM BACK INTO

THE WILD.

HE'S GOT A VERY HIGH THRESHOLD FOR PAIN.

ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER DID STAND OUT FROM THE REST BY DELIVERING

A CLEAR, CONCISE OPINION OF THE PRESIDENT.

HERE'S LUKE FROM WISCONSIN: >> TRUMP IS ANNOYING.

HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL.

HE'S ANNOYING.

AND IT'S LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.

>> Stephen: YES, FINALLY!

THANK YOU, LUKE.

YOU'RE LIVING PROOF THAT UNDECIDED VOTERS ARE CAPABLE OF

SEEING THE LIGHT AND-- >> BUT HIM ACTING THAT WAY

DOESN'T NECESSARILY IMPACT MY BOTTOM LINE.

>> Stephen: UH, MERYL, IF YOU DON'T MIND?

( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS-- OR REALLY ANY DEBATE--

WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN

WHITE SUPREMACY.

>> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS

AND MILITIA GROUPS-- >> SURE.

I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.

I WANT TO SEE PEACE-- >> THEN DO IT, SIR.

>> DO IT.

SAY IT.

>> YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

GIVE ME A NAME.

GIE ME A NAME.

>> WHITE SUPREMICISTS AND RIGHT WING MILITIA.

>> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT DENOUNCING.

THAT'S TROUBLING.

IT'S LIKE WHEN THE DEBATE MODERATOR ASKED NIXON TO

DENOUNCE PSYCHOTIC THRILL-KILL CULTS, AND HE SAID:

MANSON FAMILY, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE LITTLE PIGGIES CRAWLING IN THE DIRT?

HELTER SKELTER.

HELTER SKELTER!" HE SAID THAT.

I LEGALLY COULD NOT MAKE THAT JOKE UNLESS HE ACTUALLY SAID

THAT.

IF I'M WRONG, MR. NIXON, CALL ME.

THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR, BECAUSE

WITHIN MINUTES, GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S

COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS.

NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF

NATURAL LUBRICATION.

THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE OF WORDS WAS SO INSPIRING TO THESE RACIST

NUMBSKULLS THAT TODAY, THE PROUD BOYS STARTED SELLING MERCH WITH

THEIR NEW CATCHPHRASE.

A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU DIDN'T PROPERLY DENOUNCE SOMEONE

IS WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR DENOUNCIATION THEIR NEW SLOGAN.

THAT'S WHY JOE McCARTHY NEVER WORE A T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "AT

LONG LAST, SIR, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?"

NOW THIS IS A WEIRD LITTLE DETAIL.

THE PROUD BOYS NAME IS A REFERENCE TO A SONG FROM THE

STAGED MUSICAL VERSION OF THE DISNEY FILM "ALADDIN."

IT'S AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO BROADWAY.

BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM TOXIC RIGHT-WING ALPHA

MALES: SHOW TUNES!

"FOSSE, FOSSE, GOOSE STEP, FOSSE, FOSSE, SHOOT."

THE GROUP HAS STAUNCH RIGHT-WING BELIEFS, INCLUDING

"VENERATING THE HOUSEWIFE."

LISTEN, I HOPE THEY HAVE GOOD LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO THE

NAME OF ANDY CONE'S NEW BRAVO SHOW!

MOST ALARMINGLY, THEIR PLATFORM ALSO INCLUDES A PLEDGE TO REFUSE

TO MASTURBATE.

WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE THEIR WHITE POWER HAND GESTURES LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE READY TO, LET'S SAY, FLOG THE FUROR AT ANY MOMENT.

WHERE DID THEY RECRUIT THESE YOUNG MEN?

( AS MOM ) ( KNOCKING )

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, JOHNNY?"

( AS TEEN ) "NOTHING.

GOD, JUST PLANNING A RACE WAR!" AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN, "REFUSE"?

WHO'S OUT THERE DEMANDING THAT THEY MASTURBATE?

( AS PROUD BOY ) "ALL THESE SOCIALIST FEMINISTS

WITH THEIR YOGA PANTS AND SPORTS BRAS WANT ME TO HAMMER MY OWN

SICKLE!

OOH, THEY WOULD LOVE ME TO SEIZE MY OWN MEANS OF PRODUCTION!

NOT TODAY, COMRADE!" NO, DOWN, DOWN!

THE SOUTHERN POVERTY LAW CENTER DESCRIBES THE PROUD BOYS AS A

FIGHT CLUB FRATERNITY OF YOUNG WHITE, PRO-TRUMP MEN.

MIGHT SEEM LIKE AN ODD COMPARISON, BUT REMEMBER THIS

SCENE FROM THE MOVIE: >> THE FIRST RULE OF

FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!

THE SECOND RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!

>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WANKERS; DONALD TRUMP.

THE PRESIDENT APPARENTLY DIDN'T GET HIS FILL OF SCREAMING INTO A

CAMERA LAST NIGHT, SO HE HELPED HIMSELF TO SOME LEFTOVER

RAGE IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: >> CHOPPER TALK!

>> Stephen: WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE

STARTED LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS AND REALIZED THAT "SIDING WITH A

VIOLENT HATE GROUP" DOESN'T POLL WELL WITH SUBURBAN WOMEN,

BECAUSE TODAY, TRUMP SAID THIS: >> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE PROUD

BOYS ARE.

I MEAN, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A DEFINITION, BECAUSE I REALLY

DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I DON'T KNOW ANY PROUD BOYS.

MY BOYS ERIC AND DON JUNIOR ARE ASHAMED BOYS.

AND THEY SHOULD BE.

IF THEY WERE JUST BORN GIRLS, I COULD HAVE HAD TWO MORE

IVANKAS!" NOW, HE CONTINUED BY SAYING THE

PEOPLE WHO HE DOESN'T KNOW SHOULD STOP DOING ANY OF THE

THINGS HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THEM DOING.

>> AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHO PROUD BOYS ARE.

BUT WHOEVER THEY ARE, THEY HAVE TO STAND DOWN, LET LAW

ENFORCEMENT DO THEIR WORK.

>> Stephen: NOTICE HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DENOUNCE THE PROUD

BOYS.

SO HIS WALK-BACK STILL HAD A HINT OF GOOSE STEP.

WHILE TRUMP RAMBLED ABOUT NEW YORK, ONE REPORTER GAVE HIM ONE

MORE CHANCE TO CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY DENOUNCE WHITE

SUPREMACY.

AND HE CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY TOOK A PASS.

>> THEY SHOULD STOP DEFUNDING POLICE LIKE THEY HAVE DONE IN

NEW YORK-- >> BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHITE

SUPREMACISTS, SIR.

>> --LIKE THEY'VE DONE IN NEW YORK.

I JUST TOLD YOU.

>> BUT DO YOU DENOUNCE THEM?

DO YOU DENOUNCE-- >> I'VE ALWAYS DENOUNCED ANY

FORM-- >> --OF WHITE SUPREMACY?

>> ANY FORM-- ANY FORM OF ANY OF THAT, YOU HAVE TO DENOUNCE.

>> Stephen: DIDN'T SAY IT AGAIN!

( AS LADY ) "DONALD, DO YOU LOVE ME?"

( AS TRUMP ) "YOU GOTTA LOVE-- AND LOVE IS--

YOU GOTTA DO IT.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID I LOVE LOVING, IN ANY FORM."

BUT AGAIN, HE TRIED A VARIATION ON THE VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH

SIDES THING.

>> BUT I ALSO-- JOE BIDEN HAS TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ANTIFA.

IT'S NOT A PHILOSOPHY.

THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT HIT PEOPLE OVER THE HEAD.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THESE PEOPLE ARE HEAD BOPPERS,

LITTLE BUNNY ANTI-FOO RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST, PICKIN'

UP THE PROUD BOYS, AND BOPPIN' 'EM ON THE HEAD."

WITH TUNA CANS.

STILL, TRUMP FEELS GOOD ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, BECAUSE,

UH, RATINGS?

>> I THOUGHT THE DEBATE LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT.

WE'VE GOTTEN TREMENDOUS REVIEWS ON IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT EVENING.

IT WAS AN EXCITING EVENING, I SEE THE RATINGS WERE VERY

HIGH.

>> Stephen: JUST BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCH SOMETHING

DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING IS GOOD.

I HEAR PUBLIC EXECUTIONS WERE QUITE POPULAR IN THEIR DAY.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD HAVE A TV SHOW CALLED "SO YOU THINK

YOU CAN HAVE A HEAD."

AND FOR THE RECORD, HE'S LYING.

THE RATINGS FOR THE DEBATE WERE SHARPLY DOWN.

THAT'S SUCH AN EASILY CHECKABLE LIE AND HE JUST DOESN'T CARE.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN THAT GEORGE ORWELL NOVEL, YOU KNOW

THE ONE WITH THE PIGS THAT STOOD ON THEIR HIND LEGS?

BECAUSE IT'S 2020, THE BELOW-THE-FOLD STORY TODAY IS

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES COMMITTING MASSIVE TAX

FRAUD AND RAIDING THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES TO KEEP HIS

FAILED BUSINESS EMPIRE AFLOAT.

ALL WEEK, "THE NEW YORK TIMES" HAS BEEN REPORTING ON TRUMP'S

TAXES FROM THE LAST 20 YEARS.

ON MONDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT IN THE TWO YEARS BEFORE "THE

APPRENTICE" DEBUTED, "TRUMP'S SIDE INCOME WAS MOSTLY CONFINED

TO $500,000 FOR APPEARING IN THE BIG N' TASTY BURGER AD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE McDONALDS PAID HIM HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

DON'T THEY KNOW THEY COULD HAVE JUST GIVEN HIM RHW BURGERS?

AND TRUMP MAY HAVE GOTTEN MORE THAN MONEY FROM THE DEAL.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE AD: >> IT'S AMAZING-- A BIG AND

TASTY FOR JUST A DOLLAR?

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

>> I DON'T PAY ANY FEDERAL TAXES.

HUHHUH!

>> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO RECEIVED "$50,000 FROM THE LIFETIME

CHANNEL FOR A 'JUICY NIGHTTIME SOAP' THAT NEVER

MATERIALIZED."

OOOH, A TRUMP SOAP OPERA!

WE COULD'VE HAD: "THE DAYS OF OUR WIVES."

"AS THE WORLD BURNS," AND "ALL OF MY CHILDREN...

THAT I KNOW OF."

AND NOW, A NEW LAYER HAS BEEN ADDED TO THE TURDWICH, BECAUSE

WHILE HIS BUSINESSES WERE ALL FAILING, "TRUMP REPORTEDLY

MADE TENS OF MILLIONS DURING THE GREAT RECESSION BY PARTNERING

WITH MULTILEVEL MARKETING COMPANIES."

NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, MULTILEVEL MARKETING IS A

SKETCHY BUSINESS MODEL WHERE YOU ROPE IN PEOPLE TO SELL A

PRODUCT, THEN THEY ALSO ROPE IN OTHERS TO WORK FOR THEM, AND ALL

THE MONEY FLOWS UP TO THE TOP.

AND IF YOU STILL DON'T GET IT, COME OVER THIS WEEKEND.

I HAVE A FANTASTIC BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY I THINK YOU'D BE

PERFECT FOR.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "HERBALAX DRINKABLE ALGAE COLONIC

SUPPLEMENTS?" IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE.

NOW, IN HIS BIGGEST PYRAMID SCHEME, WORTH $8 MILLION, TRUMP

"TEAMED UP WITH A MULTILEVEL MARKETING COMPANY, ACN, WHOSE

CLIENTS WERE TOLD THEY COULD MAKE A LIVING FROM HOME BY

SELLING VIDEO PHONES."

AND ACN WAS SUCH A SCAM THAT, ON THEIR OWN WEBSITE, THEY POSTED A

PAGE TITLED "THE DIFFERENCE IN ACN AND A PYRAMID SCHEME."

IF YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT, I THINK YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

"I BROUGHT THIS CHART EXPLAINING THAT I DON'T HAVE A COCAINE

"ADDICTION."

IT'S MORE OF A MULTI-LEVEL COCAINE OPPORTUNITY.

AND I THINK YOU'RE THE KIND OF SMART INVESTOR WHO HAS WHAT IT

TAKES TO BLOW THINGS UP MY NOSE."

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUESTS ARE JOHN LITHGOW AND AUTHOR JONATHAN ALTER.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, SENATE REPUBLICANS ARE RUNNING SCARED.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

WELCOME BACK.

LET'S SAY HI TO JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON!

>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.

WHAT'S THE WORD.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE WORD, THUNDER?

YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT AD.

I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT AD.

THUNDERBIRD WINE.

>> Jon: OH, NO, I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT, WHAT'S THE WORD, THUNDERBIRD.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE PRICE 30 FOR A FULL QUART.

THAT'S THE DEAL RIGHT THERE.

>> Jon: TALK ABOUT THAT FRED SANFORD USED TO TALK ABOUT.

>> Stephen: SHAM.

ILE.

CHAMPAGNE AND RIPPLE.

CHAM-PIPPLE.

YOU'RE-- YOU'RE-- YOU'RE SUCH A CHOIR BOY.

YOU DON'T DRINK.

YOU DON'T SMOKE.

IT'S JUST YOU, THE PIANO, AND THE LORD ALL THE TIME.

I ADMIRE THAT.

>> Jon: YEAH, I WISH, I MEAN, SOMETHING ABOUT THE PIANO, WHEN

YOU PLAY-- I WAS JUST PLAYING SOME OF THIS...

♪ ♪ ♪ YOU GET HIGH OFF THAT.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

WHAT IS THAT?

>> Jon: THAT'S PHILLIP GLASS "OPENING."

>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT?

>> Jon: THAT'S FROM HIS VERY FIRST SOLO PIANO RECORD.

IT WAS JUST HIS "PIANO WORKS," IT WAS CALLED.

>> Stephen: JON, BEFORE WE GO ON WITH THE SHOW, DID YOU HAVE

ANY AVANITY GUARD PIANO TO SHARE WITH US?

( LAUGHS ).

>> Jon: YEAH, OF COURSE, ALWAYS.

LET'S SEE.

>> Stephen: PLEASE.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: ALWAYS A PLEASANT

RESOLUTION.

THANK YOU, JON.

( LAUGHS ) JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

>> Jon: YES, INDEED.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IN LESS THAN FIVE WEEKS, WE'RE HAVING WHAT

MANY ARE CALLING THE MOST ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIME.

BUT THERE'S MORE AT STAKE HERE THAN JUST GETTING RID OF DONALD

TRUMP.

THERE'S ALSO WINNING BACK THE SENATE AND GETTING RID OF

SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND FIVE POUNDS OF FACE IN A THREE-POUND

MASK, MITCH McCONNELL.

IF THE DEMOCRATS PICK UP FOUR SENATE SEATS, LOOKS LIKE

McCONNELL WILL BE A BACK-BENCHER.

THANKS TO TRUMP SHANKING THE PANDEMIC, REPUBLICANS ARE

STRUGGLING IN A LOT OF RED STATES RACES.

TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, SEEN HERE

STUFFING THE LIES BACK IN.

IN 2016, MY HOME STATE WENT TO DONALD TRUMP BY ALMOST 15

POINTS, BUT THE LATEST POLLS OUT OF THE PALMETTO STATE HAVE

"GRAHAM VIRTUALLY TIED WITH HIS DEMOCRATIC CHALLENGER, JAIME

HARRISON."

A HARRISON WIN WOULD BE AMAZING.

IF LINDSEY GRAHAM GETS THROWN OUT, SOUTH CAROLINA WON'T HAVE

ANYTHING LEFT TO EMBARRASS IT, OTHER THAN ADULT MEN WEARING

MADRAS.

A BIG REASON GRAHAM IS ON THE ROPES IS THE CASH, THE GREEN

STUFF.

HARRISON IS PULLING IN MASSIVE DONATIONS, SO NOW A TEARFUL

GRAHAM HAS BEEN HITTING FOX NEWS TO PASS THE HAT.

>> IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME AND OTHER REPUBLICANS, GET IN THE

GAME.

THEY ARE KILLING US FINANCIALLY.

MY OPPONENT IS GOING TO RAISE $80 MILLION.

I NEED CONSERVATIVES TO HELP ME.

YOU NEED TO HELP US ALL.

I'M BEING OUTSPENT FOUR TO ONE, OUTRAISED FIVE TO ONE.

I NEED SOME HELP.

HELP ME.

THEY'RE KILLING ME MONEYWISE.

HELP ME.

YOU DID LAST WEEK.

HELP ME AGAIN.

>> Stephen: ( AS GRAHAM ) "HELP ME, PLEASE!

I'LL DO ANYTHING.

I THINK I'VE PROVEN THAT: OPPOSE TRUMP, SUPPORT TRUMP.

I CAN'T SELL MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL.

HE KNOWS THAT THING IS A WORTHLESS HUSK!

THE DEVIL LOW-BALLED ME.

AND I ALSO DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JON LITHGOW.

I GAVE THEM TO TRUMP!

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A TONY AND EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU

KNOW FROM "BOMBSHELL," "THE CROWN," "TERMS OF ENDEARMENT,"

AND JUST SO MUCH MORE.

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW" MY FRIEND AND YOURS, JOHN

LITHGOW.

>> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

SOME GUESTS ARE LIKE A VACATION.

THERE'S NO EFFORT.

IT'S JUST SITTING DOWN AND CHATTING WITH SOMEONE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

>> BUT I WANT YOU ON YOUR GAME.

>> Stephen: SORRY, LET ME GET A LITTLE COFFEE.

PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS RIGHT NOW.

BEFORE-- BEFORE WE GET ANY FURTHER, AS I SAID IN YOUR

INTRO, I NAMED THREE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT YOU HAD DONE AT

RANDOM.

YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS ON YOUR C.V. TO PICK FROM.

WHAT WOULD YOU PICK FOR YOUR INTRO?

WHAT WORKS OF YOURS-- WHAT ROLES YOU'VE PLAYED, WHAT SHOWS YOU'VE

BEEN IN WOULD YOU SAY, "THOSE ARE THE DEFINITIVE LITHGOW

ROLES?

>> YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT MY PERFORMANCE OF THE

CAMPAIGN PRESS RELEASE OF NEWT GINGRICH ON "THE COLBERT REPORT"

SOME YEARS AGO.

THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE MY FINEST PERFORMANCE EVER.

REMEMBER THAT NIGHT?

>> Stephen: I URGE EVERYONE TO GO TO WHATEVER WEB SITE THEY'VE

STORED THAT STUFF ON THESE DAYS, AND FIND IT.

LITHGOW-GINGRICH.

TRULY.

>> IT HOLDS UP.

IT HOLDS UP.

AND I'M STOPPED THREE, FOUR TIMES ON EVERY BLOCK RECALLING

THAT PERFORMANCE.

>> Stephen: WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD PICK, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.

WHAT DO PEOPLE-- LIKE, WHEN PEOPLE WALK DOWN THE STREET AND

YOU REALIZE OH, THEY RECOGNIZE YOU AND YOU KNOW THEY'RE ABOUT

TO COME OVER TO YOU AND SAY I LOVE "X," "Y," OR "Z" WHAT

YOU'VE DONE.

WHAT DO THEY USUALLY PICK?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S USUALLY THE MOST RECENT.

RECENTLY IT'S BEEN A LOT OF "THE CROWN," AND "BOMBSHELL."

"THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN" AND "DEXTER."

IF SOMEONE COMES UP TO ME WITH A HAMMER AND WANTS ME TO AUTOGRAPH

IT, I KNOW THEY'RE BIG "DEXTER" FANS.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW TO GET AWAY QUICKLY.

>> NO, I DUTIFULLY SIGN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

>> THERE ARE A LOT OF AUTOGRAPHED HAMMERS OUT THERE.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND-- AND I WAS-- THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF

A NICE-- NICE THING IS THAT I FOUND OUT THAT YOU'RE MISTAKEN

FOR ANOTHER GREAT PERFORMER SOMETIMES.

WHO IS THAT?

>> YOU KNOW, YES.

DON CLEASE.

I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME.

AND JON APPEARED ON "THIRD ROCK FROM THE SON" WITH US, AS MY

DOPPELGANGER.

SO IT HAPPENS.

THAT'S EXPLAINABLE.

>> Stephen: IT'S A COMPLIMENT.

>> WHEN THEY ASK FOR MY AUTOGRAPH, I DUTIFULLY SIGN.

>> Stephen: YOU SIGN JOHN CLEASE?

>> YOU KNOW, WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO SIGN, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: TO YOU AFFECT A BRITISH ACCENT FOR THIS?

>> NO, IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, IT PROLONGS THE

INTERACTION.

SO-- ANYWAY, I'M A HUGE FAN OF JOHN CLEASE.

SO I TAKE IT AS AN ENORMOUS COMPLIMENT.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE DIFFERENT WITH YOU,

LITHGOW.

WE'VE GOT TO HAVE DINNER.

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT FOR MANY YEARS.

>> WE HAVE.

>> Stephen: MY WIFE AND YOUR WIFE AND ALL GO TO DINNER.

I HAD DINNER WITH CLEASE, RCENTLY.

>> DID YOU.

>> Stephen: IT WAS A HUGE THRILL FOR ME.

A LOVELY GUY.

H BOUGHT A VERY EXPENSIVE BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE, AND IT WAS

VERY LOVELY, AND NOW I HAVE TO COMPARE DINNER.

I HAVE TO COMPARE MY CLEASES.

>> YOU MIGHT GET CONFUSED.

WE'RE OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR EACH OTHER.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK HERE.

"TRUMPTY DUMPTY WANTED A CROWN."

VERSES FOR A DESPOTIC AGE.

IT CAME OUT YESTERDAY.

YOU WROTE IT AND ILLUSTRATED.

WHEN DID YOU FIRST START WRITING POETRY?

>> OH, I-- AS A MATTER OF FACT, I-- BY AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE,

JUST LIKE A WEEK OR TWO AGO, LIKE, A BEST FRIEND OF MY OLDER

SISTER, TWO YEARS OLDER THAN I, A WOMAN NAMED JESSICA ANDREWS.

SHE SENT ME, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, A PHOTOCOPY OF A PAGE

FROM HER AUTOGRAPH BOOK FROM 1955, WHICH I HAD SIGNED FOR

HER.

AND JUST FOR THE OCCASION -- >> Stephen: SHE KNEW-- SHE

KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE SO GREAT BACK THEN SHE ASKED YOU TO

SIGN HER AUTOGRAPH BOOK.

>> SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO.

>> Stephen: DID YOU SIGN IT JOHN CLEASE?

>> YOU KNOW, I DNGT THINK OF IT AT THE TIME.

I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.

I WROTE, "JESSICA, COKE AND BOTTLES, JELLY AND JARS, FACES

LIKE YOURS COME FROM MARS.

JOHN LITHGOW."

TURNS OUT, THIS WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY CAREER AS A

POEET.

THIS IS A CLASSIC DOCUMENT.

>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.

THAT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

>> AND NOT A BAD POEM, I MIGHT ADD.

>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.

NOW, YOU-- YOU DID SOMETHING THAT VERY FEW AUTHORS DO.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT A CLIP OF YOUR BOOK.

AND I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT WORKS.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A CLIP OF THE BOOK?

>> YOU KNOW, NOT MANY AUTHORS HAVE A CLIP OF THEIR BOOK, BUT

THIS IS THE COVID ERA.

YOU CAN'T DO A BOOK TOUR.

SO I-- A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, I THOUGHT OF A BRIGHT IDEA.

I CALLED ON MY DIRECTOR FRIEND TIM VAN PATTEN.

HE-- HE CALLED UP THESE THREE BRILLIANT YOUNG GUYS HE WORKS

WITH AND CREATED SOMETHING CALLED TRYPTIC STUDIO.

I CALLED UP 19 OF MY ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC ACTOR FRIENDS, AND A

COUPLE OF POLITICO JOURNALISTS, TOO, EVEN AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST.

I ASKED THEM TO RECORD A SINGLE POEM OF MINE, JUST AS WE'RE

RECORDING NOW, IN THEIR LIVING ROOM, ON THEIR iPHONE, AND

SEND THEM IN TO THESE CRYPTIC STUDIO GUYS.

AMONG ALL OF US WE HAVE SPUN TOGETHER 21 LITTLE TWO-MINUTE

VIDEOS OF MY POEMS, INCLUDING MY ILLUSTRATIONS BROUGHT TO LIFE

WITH VERY SIMPLE ANIMATION.

AND WE'RE ROLLING THEM OUT, LIKE, ONCE EVERY FOUR, FIVE

DAYS.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE CLIP WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE?

>> YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE THE GREAT MERYL STREEP READING FROM MY

POEM "THE TOREYS" OR "THE TIGER KING."

IT'S AN ALLEGORY OF DONALD TRUMP.

YOU'LL SEE.

>> HAVING CRAVE EDGE FAILED TO DERAIL OR UNHORSE HIM, THE

TOREYS WERE FINALLY FORCED TO ENDORSE HIM.

DESPITE HOW HE MADE THEM ALL TREMBLE AND COWER, THEY DECIDED

AT LAST THEY WOULD RIDE HIM TO POWER.

CIVILLY JUSTICE AND REASON TOOK WING AS DUMPTY WAS CROWNED THE

SUPREME TIGER KING.

THEN WITH MURDEROUS APPETITE SAVAGE AND HEARTY, HE ATE EVERY

SOUL IN THE GRAND TOREY PARTY.

>> PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

>> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC.

THAT IS FANTASTIC.

NOT EVERYBODY CAN CALL IN A FAVOR FROM MERYL STREEP.

NICELY DONE.

>> MERYL AND SAM CLOSE, AND SAM JACKSON, WHOOPIE GOLDBERG.

IT'S THIS MARVELOUS BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: DID YOU NOT-- DID YOU NOT-- I DIDN'T-- I MUST HAVE

GOTTEN GOTTEN LOST IN THE E-MAIL.

I NEVER GOT THE REQUEST.

>> YOU WERE-- THIS IS GOSPEL TRUTH.

YOU WERE ON OUR LIST, BUT I WAS A LITTLE AFRAID YOU WOULD BE

ANXIOUS ABOUT CONFLICT OF INTEREST.

( LAUGHS ) I DON'T KNOW WHY.

>> Stephen: I'M SUCH A STRONG SUPPORTER OF THE PRESIDENT.

I UNDERSTAND.

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO SENSITIVE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING DURING QUARANTINE.

YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING AT SOMETHING YOU CAN ALREADY DO BUT

HAVE BECOME THE MASTER OF IT.

SPEED SKETCHING.

WHAT IS SPEED SKETCHING?

>> YOU KNOW, WELL, IT'S SIMPLY HITTING VIDEO-- THE LITTLE VIDEO

BUTTON, STOP-ACTION BUTTON ON YOUR-- OH, GOD!

ON YOUR iPHONE.

AND IT SPEEDS THINGS UP.

BUT JUST FOR YOU, I BROUGHT ALONG PROPS AND SHOW-AND-TELL

EQUIPMENT.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> I DECIDED TO DO A SPEED DRAWING OF STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> Stephen: IS THAT PAD BLANK RIGHT NOW?

>> IT'S BLANK NOW, BUT I'M GOING TO DRAW YOU.

THIS PREARRANGED BY YOUR WONDERFUL...

WATCH THIS.

I'M NOT EVEN USING...

iPHONE TECHNOLOGY.

OKAY...

THIS IS MY LITTLE GIFT TO YOU.

NOT BAD, HUH?

>> Stephen: NOT BAD AT ALL.

>> OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

HOW MANY TIMESES HAVE YOU BEEN PORTRAYED BY-- IN PEN AND INK ON

YOUR SHOW?

>> Stephen: I'M HONORED.

I'M HONORED.

AND I NEED TO GET A SIGNED COPY OF THIS, TOO, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

JOHN.

>> IT'S ALREADY ON THE WAY.

>> IT IS.

>> THERE AGAIN, GOSPEL TRUTH.

>> Stephen: AND DINNER?

>> YOU KNOW, AND DINNER.

EVY AND MARY.

>> Stephen: AND NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN NEW YORK BECAUSE I

DON'T COME TO LOS ANGELES.

>> THAT SHOULD BE ABOUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW.

THESE DAYS, I CAN'T COME TO NEW YORK.

I'LL GET THERE, I'LL GET THERE.

>> Stephen: >> Stephen: HIS NEW BOOK,

"TRUMPTY DUMPTY WANTED A CROWN," IS AVAILABLE NOW.

MR. JOHN LITHGOW, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AUTHOR JONATHAN ALTER.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY NEXT GUEST IS AN MSNBC ANALYST AND "NEW

YORK TIMES" BESTSELLING PRESIDENTIAL BIOGRAPHER.

HIS LATEST BOOK, ON THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JIMMY CARTER, IS CALLED

"HIS VERY BEST."

PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," JONATHAN ALTER.

JON, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> HI, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: PEOPLE OUT THERE DON'T KNOW, BUT FOR REASONS WE

DON'T HAVE TO GET INTO RIGHT NOW, YOU WERE A PERSON WHO WAS A

GREAT RESOURCE FOR ME OVER AT THE "COLBERT REPORT."

YOU GAVE US PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENING POLITICALLY

FREQUENTLY ON THAT SHOW.

AND YOU HAVE A REAL VIEW ON THE HISTORY OF THE POLITICS IN

AMERICA.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THE DEBATE WE SAW LAST NIGHT?

>> YOU KNOW, NO.

IT IS COMPLETELY UNPRECEDENTED.

IT'S ALSO AN EXTRAORDINARILY EMBARRASSING MOMENT FOR OUR

COUNTRY.

AND I KIND OF ACHE FOR OUR COUNTRY AFTER SEEING THAT.

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING, AND THIS MAN IS, YOU

KNOW, A MENACE TO PUBLIC HEALTH, A MENACE TO OUR COUNTRY, A

MENACE TO DEMOCRACY.

AND THAT'S WHAT THE REAL ISSUE IS NOW, IS THAT HE'S MADE IT

CLEAR THAT HE WILL NOT ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION IF

THEY DON'T GO HIS WAY.

WE HAVE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN OUR WHOLE

HISTORY.

GEORGE WASHINGTON, AFTER A SECOND TERM, HE STEPPED DOWN AS

PRESIDENT.

AND THAT SET THE PRECEDENT, REALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN

THE WHOLE WORLD, OF A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER.

AFTER THAT, EVERY ELECTION, THERE WAS A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

POWER, EVEN WHEN IT WAS EXTRAORDINARILY CLOSE, WENT TO

THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, THERE STILL WAS THAT TRANSFER OF

POWER.

>> Stephen: WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT A PRESIDENT WHO IS MUCH

MALINED DURING HIS TERM, AND CERTAINLY HIS PRESIDENCY HAS

BEEN MALIGNED SINCE, BUT HE INVENTED THE POSTPRESIDENT.

ASK THAT IS JIMMY CARTER.

THE BOOK IS CALLED "HIS VERY BEST."

DO YOU THINK CARTER IS MISUNDERSTOOD?

>> YOU KNOW, HE IS COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD.

I MEAN, IT STARTS WITH, YOU KNOW, THIS KIND OF LAZY-MINDED

ASSUMPTION, WHICH IS VERY COMMON AND UNDERSTANDABLE, THAT HE WAS

A BAD PRESIDENT AND A GREAT FORMER PRESIDENT.

IN FACT, HE WAS AN UNDER-RATED, MISUNDERSTOOD PRESIDENT.

AND, YOU KNOW, AN INSPIRATIONAL FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT HE HASN'T

HAD ANY LEVERS OF POWER, YOU KNOW, TO DO-- TO MAKE REAL

CHANGE.

HE'S HELPED ERADICATE DISEASE.

HE DID SOME PEACEMAKING.

HE'S BUILT HOUSES, AS PEOPLE KNOW.

HE'S MONITORED ELECTIONS OVERSEAS-- ALL GREAT WORK BY THE

CARTER CENTER.

HE REVOLUTIONIZED WHAT FORMER PRESIDENTS DO.

BUT HE DID SO MUCH MORE WHEN HE WAS IN OFFICE.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE WAS A POLITICAL FAILURE AND A

STYLISTIC FAILURE AT A CERTAIN POINT.

I ARGUE THAT EVEN THOUGH HE WAS A POLITICAL FAILURE AND GOT HIS

BUTT KICKED BY RONALD REAGAN IN 1980 AND MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES,

HE WAS A SUBSTANTIVE AND FARSIGHTED, EVEN VISIONARY

SUCCESS.

EIGHT OUT OF 14 ENVIRONMENTAL BILLS HE SIGNED.

HE SIGNED MORE LEGISLATION THAN ANY PRESIDENT, EXCEPT FOR LYNDON

JOHNSON, SINCE WORLD WAR II.

AND MANY OF THEM CHANGED-- MANY OF THESE BILLS CHANGED THE

COUNTRY IN FUNDAMENTAL WAYS.

THE PRESS JUST WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO IT.

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU SAT DOWN WITH THE PRESIDENT MANY

TIMES FOR THIS BOOK.

HE COOPERATED WITH THIS BIOGRAPHY.

>> HE DID.

>> Stephen: WHAT SURPRISED YOU ABOUT THE MAN?

I KNOW HE'S IN HIS 90s NOW.

WHAT DID YOU NOT EXPECT?

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK A LOT OF IT WAS JUST THE MODESTY OF

HIS LIFE, AND THE FACT THAT, YOU KNOW, HE AND ROSALYN, THEY SLEEP

ON A MURPHY BED WHEN THEY'RE IN ATLANTA.

THEY SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME IN PAST ON THE ROAD TRAVELING TO

120 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES DOING GOOD WORKS.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IN ATLANTA, THEY SLEEP ON A MURPHY BED AT THE

CARTER CENTER.

AND, YOU KNOW, HE CUT THE GRASS FOR A LONG TIME, UNTIL QUITE

RECENTLY, AT THEIR CHURCH.

AND THEY'RE VERY ACTIVE IN, YOU KNOW, LOCAL THINGS-- CHURCH

SUPPER ON PAPER PLATES.

THINGS ABOUT THEIR LIVES.

MRS. CARTER GAVE ME THE LOVE LETTERS WHICH HE WROTE HER FROM

THE NAVY.

WHICH ARE VERY STEAMY.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YOU KNOW, AND THEY ARE QUITE A BIT BEYOND JOHN AND ABIGAIL

ADAMS IN THEIR EXPLICITNESS.

>> Stephen: ARE THEY IN THE BOOK?

>> THEY'RE IN THE BOOK.

>> Stephen: I THINK YOU MOVED SOME PAPER.

WE HAVE A SEXY PEANUT FARMER IN HERE.

>> AND SOME AWESOME STUFF I FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM.

AT ONE POINT HE WENT DOOR TO DOOR AS A MISSIONARY, AND HE

CAME ACROSS A BROTH EXPEL TRIED TO CONVERT THE MADAM.

HE IS NOT INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE NOT AS RELIGIOUS AS HIM.

HE BECAME FRIENDLY WITH BOB DYLAN.

GONZO HUNTER HELPED MAKE CARTER PRESIDENT.

ONE OF THE REASONS I WANTED THAT ANDY WARHOL OF HIM ON THE COVER

IS THERE WAS A TIME WHEN HE WAS VERY COOL, AND I THINK A YOUNGER

GENERATION IS KIND OF REDISCOVERING HIM NOW, IN PART

BECAUSE HE IS THE UN-TRUMP.

>> Stephen: HIS 96th BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW.

OTHER THAN BUYING THIS BRILLIANT BIGRAPHY OF JIMMY CARTER, HOW

CAN PEOPLE CELEBRATE IT?

>> FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR THE COLBERT BUMP.

>> Stephen: YOU GOT IT.

>> SO I THINK THE WAY TO HONOR HIM IS HE IS ASKING FOR PEOPLE

NOT TO GIVE RIGHT NOW TO THE CARTER CENTER, BUT TO GIVE FOR

COVID RELIEF.

THERE ARE A LOT OF COUNTRIES THAT THAT ARE IN REAL DANGER AND

DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES WE HAVE, EVEN THOUGH WE'VE SUFFERED

WORSE THAN ANY OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY.

AND, ALSO, HE FEELS REALLY STRONGLY, BECAUSE HE'S MONITORED

ALL THESE ELECTIONS, ABOUT THE INTEGRITY OF ELECTIONS, AND I

THINK HE WOULD URGE PEOPLE TO BE POLL WATCHERS, TO, YOU KNOW,

BRING FRIENDS TO VOTE FOR BIDEN, NOT JUST YOURSELF.

MAYBE USE THE CALL TOOLS SO YOU CAN CALL INTO BATTLEGROUND

STATES TO GET OUT THE VOTE.

AND I THINK THAT THE GREATEST 96th BIRTHDAY PRESENT THAT

ANYBODY COULD GIVE HIM WOULD BE TO WORK THEIR BUTTS OFF FOR JOE

BIDEN AND SAVE OUR DEMOCRACY >> Stephen: HIS BOOK, "HIS VERY

BEST," IS OUT NOW.

THE MAN IS JONATHAN ALTER, EVERYBODY.

WHEN WE COME BACK, ONE OF MY WRITERS HEADS OUT INTO THE WILDS

OF COVID PARENTHOOD.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, DURING THESE LONG MONTHS OF QUARANTINE, WE'VE ALL

LEARNED A LOT.

FOR INSTANCE, BEFORE THIS YEAR, I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS POSSIBLE TO

HAVE NIGHT SWETS DURING A DAYDREAM.

WITH SO MANY PEOPLE KEPT OUT OF THEIR OFFICES AND AWAY FROM THE

CROWDED CITIES, THIS PANDEMIC HAS ALSO ALLOWED MANY AMERICANS

TO RECONNECT WITH NATURE.

IN FACT, ONE OF MY HEAD WRITERS, JAKE, HAS USED HIS TIME WORKING

REMOTELY TO SHARE A HABITAT WITH WILD ANIMALS.

TONIGHT HE FILES THIS VIDEO JOURNAL.

( BIRDS CHIRPING ) >> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FASCINATED

BY THE NATURAL WORLD.

AND WHEN THE PANDEMIC CAME, I GOT THE RARE OPPORTUNITY TO

OBSERVE WILD CREATURES IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

I HAVE BEEN LIVING AMONG MY KIDS.

BEFORE QUARANTINE, I KNEW VERY LITTLE OF THESE SMALL, BIPEDAL

HOMINIDES.

I WOULD SEE THEM IN PICTURES, OVERHEAR THEIR CALL OR CATCH

GLIMPSES OF THEIR RITUAL DANCES.

NOW, AFTER OBSERVING THEM UP CLOSE WITH THEIR HUMAN EMOTIONS

AND FEATURES, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY SCIENTISTS

ESTIMATE THEIR D.N.A. IS UP TO 50% IDENTICAL TO MY OWN.

I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CAPTURE SOME INCREDIBLE FOOT ANNUAL OF THEM,

BECAUSE THEY JUST TAKE MY PHONE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS

FOR MOST OF THE DAY.

I'VE DISCOVERED THAT THERE ARE FAR MORE OF THEM THAN I EVER

WOULD HAVE PRESUMED.

I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES.

THE TALL ONE I CALL STRYKER.

THE MIDSIZED RON, RUMBLE FOOT.

AND THE SMALLEST, BENJI, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HIS MOM KEEPS

CALLING HIM, AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S HIS NAME.

THEY APPEAR TO HAVE A HIERARCHICAL SOCIETY, BUT IT

SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE MISSING AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.

THIS WEEK, THE ALPHA LOCKED EYES WITH ME.

I THINK I MIGHT BE EARNING HIS RESPECT.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING A JOURNAL OF MY OBSERVATIONS, AND,

APPARENTLY, THEY GOT TO THIS, TOO.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE ALSO BEEN OBSERVING ME.

I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT I TAUGHT THEM THINGS, LIKE FRACTIONS AND

SPELLING.

BUT I BELIEVE THEY'VE TAUGHT ME SO MUCH MORE.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I'M REALLY TIRED.

( SCREAMING ) I'M REALLY TIRED.

WHAT WAS THIS?

WHAT IS THIS?

AND I BELIEVE WITH THE EXPERIENCES WE'VE SHARED THEY

MIGHT ONE DAY ACCEPT ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN.

GUYS.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO!

GUYS.

I THINK-- I THINK YOU BROKE MY PHONE.

I THINK YOU BROKE MY PHONE.

>> Stephen: STAY SAFE, JAKE.

( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LATE SHOW."

TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ETHAN HAWKE, AND A LEAD

PROSECUTOR FOR THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION, ANDREW WEISSMANN.

JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT WITH HIS GUEST HILARY CLINTON.

BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY GOODNIGHT WITH SOME MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE

AND STAY HUMAN.

Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org