Original subtitles

>> Announcer: TONIGHT, ON

"LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS" --

CECILY STRONG,

AUTHOR OF "THE CAPTAIN," FORMER

MLB ALL STAR, DAVID WRIGHT,

WRITER AND DIRECTOR OF

"KAJILLIONAIRE," MIRANDA JULY,

FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH

JESSICA BERDEAUX.

AND NOW, SETH MEYERS.

>> Seth: GOOD EVENING.

I'M SETH MEYERS.

THIS IS "LATE NIGHT."

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT?

GREAT, LET'S GET TO THE NEWS.

PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID YESTERDAY

THAT HE WON TUESDAY'S

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE AGAINST

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT,

JOE BIDEN, BUT TAKE IT WITH A

GRAIN OF SALT BECAUSE HE ALSO

SAID HE WON "THE VOICE."

FOX NEWS ANCHOR AND PRESIDENTIAL

DEBATE MODERATOR, CHRIS WALLACE,

SAID IN AN INTERVIEW YESTERDAY

THAT HE WAS SURPRISED BY THE

CHAOTIC NATURE OF TUESDAY'S

CONTEST, ADDING NO ONE COULD

HAVE PREDICTED, QUOTE, "THIS WAS

GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT'S

STRATEGY.

NOT JUST FOR THE BEGINNING OF

THE DEBATE BUT THE ENTIRE

DEBATE."

"I HAD AN INKLING," SAID

MARCO RUBIO, TED CRUZ, JEB BUSH,

CARLY FIORIAN, HILLARY CLINTON,

ALL OF HIS KIDS, ALL OF HIS

WIVES, HIS KINDERGARTEN TEACHER,

SOME GUY HE RAN INTO ON THE

STREET IN THE '80s AND THE

AMERICAN PUBLIC AT LARGE.

WHEN ASKED YESTERDAY IF HE

WELCOMES SUPPORT FROM WHITE

SUPREMACISTS, PRESIDENT TRUMP

SAYS THAT HE WANTS, QUOTE, "LAW

AND ORDER."

OKAY, BUT THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER

TO THAT QUESTION.

THAT'S LIKE IF I ASKED YOU, "IS

THIS CHICKEN POISON," AND THEN

YOU SAID, "THE MASHED POTATOES

ARE DELICIOUS."

AIDES TO PRESIDENT TRUMP

REPORTEDLY SAID THEY WANTED HIM

TO BE AGGRESSIVE IN TUESDAY'S

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, BUT NOT ACT

LIKE JASON VOORHEES FROM THE

"FRIDAY THE 13th" MOVIES.

OH COME ON, HE'S NOTHING LIKE

JASON VOORHEES.

JASON HAS THE DECENCY TO WEAR A

MASK.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT JASON,

AND THERE'S PLENTY TO CRITICIZE

HIM FOR.

THE MAN WEARS A MASK.

SIX FEET, HE'S A LITTLE BIT

WORSE ON.

HE HAS VIOLATED THAT MULTIPLE

TIMES.

REAL SPACE HOG, JASON.

ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT

PUBLISHED IN "THE ATLANTIC,"

PRESIDENT TRUMP MOCKS HIS

CHRISTIAN SUPPORTERS IN PRIVATE.

WOW, WHAT A SCOOP.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST IN PUBLIC.

POPE FRANCIS REFUSED TO MEET

WITH SECRETARY OF STATE,

MIKE POMPEO THIS WEEK DURING

POMPEO'S VISIT IN ROME, DUE TO

THE PROXIMITY TO THE UPCOMING

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

BESIDES, THE BIDEN CAMPAIGN GOT

TO HIM FIRST.

A FLORIDA MAN FILED A

$1.1 MILLION LAWSUIT AGAINST

McDONALD'S AND CLAIMS HE BROKE A

TOOTH WHILE BITING IN TO A

CHICKEN McNUGGET, AND THIS IS

WEIRD.

IT WAS THE CHICKEN'S TOOTH.

WALLY LAUGHED SO MUCH HE SHOOK

THE CARD A LITTLE BIT.

>> SORRY.

>> Seth: COME ON, WALLY.

I GOT TO LAND THESE GUYS.

THE ROCK BAND ACDC ANNOUNCED

YESTERDAY, THE GROUP WILL

REUNITE TO MAKE A NEW ALBUM

TITLED "POWER UP."

THE ALBUM WILL REUNITE ALL FOUR

OF THEIR ORIGINAL CHORDS.

THAT IS THE DADDEST ROCK JOKE

FROM THE DADDEST ROCK WRITER ON

OUR STAFF, BRYAN DONALDSON.

I WISH YOU COULD SEE HIM.

HE LOOKS LIKE A GUY WHO WOULD

WRITE THAT JOKE ABOUT ACDC.

THROW HIM UP.

THROW HIM IN THE KEY, BASE.

GERMAN AUTHORITIES ANNOUNCED

TODAY THAT CLOTHING RETAILER H&M

WILL PAY $41 MILLION IN FINES

FOR COLLECTING PRIVATE

INFORMATION ABOUT ITS EMPLOYEES.

AND LIKE EVERYTHING AT H&M,

THAT'S TOO SMALL.

AND FINALLY, IN AN EFFORT TO

OFFER A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE TO

CANDY, SUN-MAID IS OFFERING

RAISIN SNACKS IN HALLOWEEN

THEMED GLOW IN THE DARK

PACKAGING.

WHICH MEANS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO

SEE IT EVEN DOWN IN THE DARK

BOTTOM OF THE TRASH CAN.

AND THAT WAS THE MONOLOGUE,

EVERYBODY.

WE HAVE GOT A FANTASTIC SHOW FOR

YOU TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW HER EMMY NOMINATED WORK

ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,"

CECILY STRONG WILL BE HERE TO

TELL US ABOUT THIS WEEKEND'S

SEASON PREMIERE.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN LIVE IN THIS

BUILDING SINCE MARCH.

I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR NOW IT'S

GOING.

HE IS A SEVEN-TIME, SEVEN-TIME,

ALL-STAR WHO PLAYED THIRD BASE

FOR THE NEW YORK METS,

DAVID WRIGHT WILL BE HERE TO

TALK ABOUT HIS MEMOIR, "THE

CAPTAIN."

NOW, THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT TEN

PEOPLE IN THE STUDIO AND ONE OF

THEM IS A METS FAN WHO'S LOSING

HIS MIND OVER THIS.

SO YOU MAY HEAR SOME STEVE

SQUEALS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE IS AN ARTIST, ACTOR, WRITER,

AND FILMMAKER, DEFINITELY THE

COOLEST PERSON WHO'S GOING TO BE

ON ANY TELEVISION TONIGHT.

MIRANDA JULY, EXCUSE ME, WILL

JOIN US.

AND I MAY BE SQUEALING ABOUT

THAT.

I MEAN, I'M SO EXCITED, I CAN'T

EVEN SAY THE NAME RIGHT.

BUT BEFORE WE GET TO ALL THAT,

THE PRESIDENT TRIED TO PAINT HIS

OPPONENT AS DRUGGED UP, AND

SENILE AND IT DIDN'T WORK.

BUT HE'S STILL MOVING FORWARD

WITH PLAN "B," LYING ABOUT VOTER

FRAUD AND TRYING TO STEAL THE

ELECTION.

FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR

"A CLOSER LOOK."

♪♪♪

>> Seth: DONALD TRUMP WANTS TO

CREATE THE IMPRESSION THAT HE'S

A PERMANENT FIXTURE IN OUR

LIVES, THAT THERE'S NOTHING WE

CAN DO TO GET RID OF HIM.

IT'S WHAT HE TRIED TO DO IN

NEW YORK BY PUTTING HIS NAME ON

EVERY BUILDING IN BIG GOLD

LETTERS, AND ON HIGHWAY SIGNS,

AND PARKING HIS DUMB PLANE AT

LAGUARDIA.

EVEN THE PIGEONS ARE STARTING TO

SOUND LIKE HIM.

"COO, COO, THIS IS A COUP."

TRUMP WANTS US TO THINK THAT

HE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE AND THERE'S

NO POINT IN VOTING AGAINST HIM

BECAUSE WE CAN NEVER GET RID OF

HIM.

THAT'S WHY HE WOULDN'T SHUT UP

AT TUESDAY'S DEBATE.

THAT'S WHY HE COMMANDEERS THE

NATIONAL SPOTLIGHT ON A DAILY

BASIS BY SAYING SOMETHING INSANE

AND FORCING US ALL TO THINK

ABOUT HIM.

OR WHY LAST NIGHT, AT ANOTHER

ONE OF HIS ALL YOU CAN BREATHE

COVID BUFFETS, HE ONCE AGAIN

SUGGESTED THAT HE MIGHT STAY IN

OFFICE FOR ANOTHER 16 YEARS.

>> WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO

WHEN

IN EIGHT, 12, MAYBE 16 YEARS, I

SAY LET'S HANG IT UP.

LET'S HANG IT UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

16 MORE YEARS.

>> Seth: CRUSHED HIS TIMETABLES,

DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BE

ABLE TO DO THAT.

BUT ANOTHER 16 YEARS?

THE LAST FOUR HAVE ALREADY FELT

LIKE 16.

16 MORE WOULD FEEL LIKE 64.

I ASKED OUR GRAPHICS TEAM TO

COMPUTER GENERATE AN IMAGE OF

WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE AFTER

ANOTHER 16 YEARS OF TRUMP, AND

THIS IS WHAT THEY CAME UP WITH.

WELL, AT LEAST I STILL HAVE THE

SHOW.

BUT DESPITE WHAT TRUMP SAYS, IT

IS VERY MUCH WITHIN OUR POWER TO

GET RID OF HIM AND END THIS.

THAT'S WHAT TUESDAY'S DEBATE WAS

ABOUT AND THAT'S WHY TRUMP AND

HIS ALLIES HAVE BEEN LASHING OUT

AT EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE

MODERATOR, FOX NEWS HOST

CHRIS WALLACE AFTER THE NEGATIVE

REACTION TO TRUMP'S GROTESQUE

PERFORMANCE.

AT LAST NIGHT'S RALLY, TRUMP

COMPLAINED THAT WALLACE HAD THE

TEMERITY TO INTERRUPT HIM.

>> I SAID, "SLEEPY JOE, NAME ONE

LAW ENFORCEMENT GROUP THAT

SUPPORTS YOU."

AND THEN CHRIS WALLACE SAID,

"DON'T DO THAT."

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY --

I WAS DEBATING TWO PEOPLE LAST

NIGHT.

YOU CAN RIOT, THAT'S OKAY.

ARSON'S OKAY, BUT CHALLENGING

SLEEPY JOE IS TOTALLY OFF

LIMITS.

SO DISAPPOINTED IN FOX.

>> THE COMMISSION ON

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES IS

CONSIDERING CHANGES FOR THE NEXT

DEBATE AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY

TO THEM, BEST OF LUCK.

YOU KNOW THE FORMAT'S NOT THE

PROBLEM, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S HARD TO

FOLLOW THE RULES.

I MEAN, SHE DID IT.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

CUT HIS MIC?

AT THIS POINT, IF YOU TOOK HIS

MIC AWAY, HE'D PROBABLY JUST

GROW A NEW ONE, TERMINATOR

STYLE.

THAT TURNED OUT A LOT BETTER

THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

YOU DID IT AGAIN, MANNY!

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET

TRUMP TO BEHAVE AT DEBATES.

AND IF NO ONE ELSE WILL SAY IT,

I WILL.

ANY TIME HE BREAKS THE RULES, A

HOLOGRAM OF FRED TRUMP SHOULD

APPEAR AND SAY, "WHAT PART OF

WAIT YOUR TURN DON'T YOU

UNDERSTAND, DONALD?"

"I'M SORRY, PAPA.

I'M JUST IN SO OVER MY HEAD AND

YOU'RE NOT HERE TO BAIL ME OUT."

"AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING

ELSE YOU SO CALLED SON OF MINE,

PICTURE PERFECT.

I PAINT A PERFECT PICTURE.

BOMB THE HOOCHIES WITH

PRECISION.

MY INTENTION'S TO GET RICHER."

>> Seth: IS THE HOLOGRAM OF

FRED TRUMP SINGING THE LYRICS TO

"AIN'T NOTHING BUT A GANGSTER

PARTY?"

OH, [ BLEEP ], YEAH.

THIS IS THE SAME SOFTWARE FROM

THE COACHELLA TUPAC HOLOGRAM.

I GUESS WE FORGOT TO WIPE IT.

THAT IS A REAL LONG WALK.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

BUT I THINK WE HAD FUN.

SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO ENJOY THE

VIEW, EVERYBODY.

ALSO, ANY CHANGES YOU MAKE,

TRUMP'S JUST GONNA START

WHINING.

HE NEVER STOPS WHINING.

TRUMP'S ALLIES ARE ALL LIKE HIM,

PETULANT CHILDREN WHO WHINE AND

MOAN UNLESS YOU LET THEM RANT

UNINTERRUPTED FOR 90 MINUTES

STRAIGHT.

THEY'RE JUST BUMMED BECAUSE

THEIR GENIUS STRATEGY OF

CLAIMING JOE BIDEN IS SENILE

BACKFIRED WHEN IT TURNED OUT

TRUMP'S THE ONE WHOSE BRAIN IS

MOSTLY ROOM TEMPERATURE

VELVEETA.

TRUMP AND HIS CHEERLEADERS ON

FOX SPENT WEEKS, WEEKS INSISTING

HIS OPPONENT WAS A DODDERING OLD

MAN WITH DEMENTIA WHO NEEDED

DRUGS AND AN EAR PIECE TO GET

THROUGH A DEBATE.

AND THEN THE DEBATE HAPPENED AND

IT TURNED OUT THE ONLY CANDIDATE

WHO SOUNDED LIKE HE MIXED THE

DOG'S VALIUM WITH JOSE CUERVO

WAS TRUMP.

AND BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU'RE

LAGGING WITH SENIORS IN SWING

STATES DUE TO A RAGING PANDEMIC

YOU FAILED TO CONTAIN, I'M NOT

SURE CALLING YOUR OPPONENT A

BRAIN DEAD GEEZER IS THE AWESOME

CAMPAIGN STRATEGY YOU THINK IT

IS.

"ONCE YOU'RE 77, YOU'RE

BASICALLY DEAD.

ANYWAY, THE SENIORS LOVE ME."

IN CASE YOU NEED REMINDING,

TRUMP SPENT WEEKS CHALLENGING

BIDEN TO A DRUG TEST AND THEN AS

PROOF FOR HIS PSYCHOTIC CLAIM,

CITED THE INTERNET.

>> DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT

JOE BIDEN WILL BE ON ANY TYPE OF

PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUG AHEAD

OF THE DEBATES OR ARE YOU JUST

JOKING?

>> NO, I'M NOT JOKING.

I MEAN, I'M WILLING TO TAKE A

DRUG TEST.

I THINK HE SHOULD TOO.

PEOPLE SAY HE WAS ON PERFORMANCE

ENHANCING DRUGS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN

THAT.

>> WHO HAS SAID THAT?

>> WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

TAKE A LOOK.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHECK --

YOU CAN CHECK OUT THE INTERNET.

YOU'LL SEE, PLENTY OF PEOPLE SAY

IT.

THEY GIVE HIM A BIG FAT SHOT IN

THE ASS AND HE COMES OUT --

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND FOR TWO HOURS, HE'S BETTER

THAN EVER BEFORE.

>> Seth: SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP JUST

SAW "AWAKENINGS" ON THE PLANE

AND THOUGHT IT WAS A

DOCUMENTARY.

ALSO IT'S TELLING THAT'S HOW

TRUMP THINKS YOU GET A SHOT OF

ADDERALL BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT'S

HOW HE GETS A SHOT OF ADDERALL.

"JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BOOTY

BUMP DOC, STRAIGHT UP THE

WAZOO."

ALSO VERY TELLING WHEN THE

PRESIDENT SITES A SOURCE THAT

WOULDN'T BE ACCEPTED ON A HIGH

SCHOOL TERM PAPER.

AND IF BIDEN'S ON PERFORMANCE

ENHANCING DRUG, LIKE WHAT'S YOUR

EXPLANATION THEN?

DECREASING DRUGS?

YOU KNOW WHAT DRUG YOU SHOULD

YOU TAKE?

YOU SHOULD TAKE WHATEVER DRUG

MAKES YOU SMILE NORMAL.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HIS NECK

STRAINS.

THAT'S A FACE YOU MAKE WHEN YOU

SLAM A GLASS OF O.J. RIGHT AFTER

YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

LOOKS LIKE HE TRIED TO POISON

JAMES BOND'S DRINKS BUT

ACCIDENTALLY MIXED UP THE

GLASSES.

"HERE YOU ARE JAMES, I BELIEVE I

HAD THE MARTINI, SHAKEN, NOT

STIRRED AND YOU HAD THE DIET

COKE IN A CAN.

OH, I SWITCHED THEM.

OH NO, I'M TIGHTENING UP.

CAN YOU GET MY EPIPEN, JAMES?

DON'T BE A DICK, JAMES.

JUST DO IT, JAMES.

I NEED IT IN THE BUTT, JUST

STRAIGHT UP THE WHAZOO.

OH, THIS YOU WON'T DO, JAMES?

AFTER EVERYTHING, THIS IS THE

LINE YOU WON'T CROSS?

OH, THE GREAT JAMES BOND."

SO TRUMP CLAIMED HIS OPPONENT

WAS -- WAS THE ONE WHO WAS

SENILE AND NEEDED DRUGS TO GET

THROUGH THE DEBATE AND THEN THE

DEBATE HAPPENED AND TRUMP NOT

ONLY COULDN'T KEEP HIS MOUTH

SHUT, BUT WHEN IT WAS HIS TURN

TO SPEAK, HE SAID STUFF LIKE

THIS.

>> INSULIN, IT'S GOING --

IT WAS DESTROYING FAMILIES,

DESTROYING PEOPLE BECAUSE I'M

GETTING IT FOR SO CHEAP, IT'S

LIKE WATER.

YOU KNOW, IN EUROPE, THEY

LIVE --

THEY'RE FOREST CITIES.

THEY'RE CALLED FOREST CITIES.

THE CAR HAS GOTTEN SO EXPENSIVE

BECAUSE THEY HAVE COMPUTERS ALL

OVER THE PLACE.

>> Seth: HE SOUNDS LIKE A FIRST

TIME FILM STUDENT WRITING A

SCI-FI SCRIPT IN A STARBUCKS.

"OPEN ON, MOON BASE ALPHA

NESTLED IN A FOREST CITY,

INSULIN FLOWS LIKE WATER.

THE SKY IS FILLED WITH FLYING

CARS, WHICH ARE EXPENSIVE

BECAUSE THEY HAVE COMPUTERS ALL

OVER THE PLACE."

MAYBE TRUMP SHOULD STICK TO

INTERRUPTING.

WHEN HE ACTUALLY HAS TO ANSWER A

QUESTION, HE SOUNDS LIKE THE

WORST MEMBER OF YOUR TABOO TEAM.

"IT'S A MOVIE, THEY LIVE IN

FOREST CITIES, COMPUTERS ALL

OVER THE PLACE.

[ BUZZER ]

IT WAS STAR WARS', BUT IT'S NOT

MY FAULT.

I WASN'T ALLOWED TO SAY STAR OR

WARS."

EVEN'S TRUMP'S OWN CAMPAIGN

ACKNOWLEDGED PRIVATELY THAT HE

WENT FULL PSYCHO AT THE DEBATE.

>> ONE PERSON WHO'S FAMILIAR

WITH

HIS DEBATE PREP, ANDERSON, SAID

THEY PREPARED HIM TO BE

AGGRESSIVE BUT NOT TO BE JASON

FROM "FRIDAY THE 13th," AND THAT

IS THE PERCEPTION OF HOW HIS

PERFORMANCE WAS.

>> Seth: YEAH.

I MEAN, EVEN JASON DIDN'T

INTERRUPT THAT MUCH UNLESS YOU

WERE A SEXY TEEN TAKING A

SHOWER.

JASON'S WHOLE THING WAS THAT HE

WAS INVULNERABLE AND HAD SUPER

HUMAN STRENGTH.

TRUMP ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE HE JUST

CLIMBED A LADDER TO GET WHEREVER

HE IS.

LOOKED LIKE HE'D FALL OVER WITH

ONE PUSH LIKE A JENGA TOWER.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE JASON

AT A DEBATE ANY WAY?

THE PLOT OF "FRIDAY THE 13th"

WASN'T A MYSTICAL KILLER IN

HOCKEY MASK SHOUTING DOWN HIS

RIVALS WHILE LAYING OUT A VISION

FOR THE FUTURE.

IF ANYTHING, TRUMP WOULD BE LESS

SCARY IF HE WORE A JASON MASK.

OH, THANK GOD, IT WAS JUST

JASON.

BUT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO SEE ONE

OF TRUMP'S DERANGED CONSPIRACY

THEORIES DISPROVEN IN REAL TIME

IN FRONT OF A NATIONAL

TELEVISION AUDIENCE, BECAUSE

HE'S COUNTING ON CONSPIRACY

THEORIES TO STAY IN POWER.

THAT'S WHY HE KEEPS REPEATING

HIS COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED LIES

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF MAIL-IN

VOTING AS HE DID AGAIN AT THE

DEBATE.

>> AS FAR AS THE BALLOTS ARE

CONCERNED, IT'S A DISASTER.

IF YOU HAVE AN UNSOLICITED.

THEY'RE SENDING MILLIONS OF

BALLOTS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

THERE'S FRAUD.

THEY FOUND THEM IN CREEKS.

THEY FOUND SOME WITH THE NAME

TRUMP, JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE THE

NAME TRUMP, JUST THE OTHER DAY

IN A WASTE PAPER BASKET.

THEY HAVE MAILMEN WITH LOTS

OF --

DID YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON?

TAKE A LOOK AT WEST VIRGINIA,

MAILMEN SELLING THE BALLOTS?

THEY'RE BEING SOLD.

THEY'RE BEING DUMPED IN RIVERS.

>> Seth: THEY FOUND THEM IN

CREEKS AND RIVERS?

WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE A WILD

EYED FRONTIERSMAN?

"THERE'S BALLOTS DOWN IN THEM

CREEKS AND RIVERS."

THIS WILL SHOCK YOU.

THAT'S COMPLETELY MADE UP.

THERE'S NO KNOWN INSTANCE OF

BALLOTS BEING DUMPED IN CREEKS

OR RIVERS, BUT I'M BETTING TRUMP

SAID THAT BECAUSE HE HAS

DEFINETYLY DUMPED STUFF IN

RIVERS.

WHEN YOU'RE A NEW YORK REAL

ESTATE GRIFTER WITH MOB TIES,

THE EAST RIVER IS BASICALLY YOUR

FILING CABINET.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO SEE TRUMP'S

TAX RETURNS UNTIL THEY'RE

ACCIDENTALLY BROUGHT UP IN A

FISHING NET.

"NEVER SEEN ANYTHING UNDERVALUE

A GOLF COURSE QUITE LIKE THAT

BEFORE.

WELL, JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE

LIFE OF A MAINE FISHERMAN."

THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST INSANE

VERSION OF TRUMP'S MAIL BALLOT

FEVER DREAM.

RECENTLY, HE TOLD HIS SUPPORTERS

TO WATCH OUT FOR BALLOTS BEING

FLUSHED DOWN TOILETS.

>> GET OUT THERE, AND VOTE AND

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN IF YOU SEE

ANY SHENANIGANS, WHICH YOU

PROBABLY WILL.

OKAY, IF YOU SEE PEOPLE DUMPING

THING, FLUSHING THINGS.

>> Seth: SO YOU WANT YOUR

SUPPORTERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

BALLOTS BEING FLUSHED DOWN THE

TOILET?

FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S A GOOD

CHANCE TRUMP THINKS THIS IS A

VOTING BOOTH.

"RIDICULOUS.

I HAD TO GO ALL THE WAY TO A

CONSTRUCTION SITE TO VOTE AND IT

WAS NOT A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE."

SECOND, TRUMP'S BOMBARDING US

WITH THESE LIES FOR TWO REASONS,

ONE TO DESTROY CONFIDENCE IN THE

ELECTION AND MAKE US ALL THINK

IT'S HOPELESS.

AND TWO, TO SET THE STAGE FOR A

SUPREME COURT BATTLE THAT WILL

HAND HIM A VICTORY EVEN IF HE

LOSES.

HE'S REPEATEDLY SAID AS MUCH,

INCLUDING IN TUESDAY'S DEBATE.

>> ARE YOU COUNTING ON THE

SUPREME COURT, INCLUDING A

JUSTICE BARRETT TO SETTLE ANY

DISPUTES?

>> YEAH, I THINK I'M COUNTING ON

THEM TO LOOK AT THE BALLOTS,

DEFINITELY.

WE NEED NINE JUSTICES.

YOU NEED THAT.

WITH THE UNSOLICITED MILLIONS OF

BALLOTS THAT THEY'RE SENDING,

IT'S A SCAM, IT'S A HOAX,

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

AND THE DEMOCRATS KNOW IT BETTER

THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO NEED NINE

JUSTICES UP THERE.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE VERY

IMPORTANT.

PAPER BALLOTS ARE VERY SIMPLE.

WHETHER THEY COUNTERFEIT THEM,

FORGE THEM, DO WHATEVER YOU

WANT.

>> Seth: "COUNTERFEIT THEM,

FORGE THEM, FLUSH THEM, IN FACT,

I'VE BEEN GOING BATHROOM TO

BATHROOM RECOVERING BALLOTS THAT

WERE FLUSHED BY DEMOCRATS.

THOSE WERE ALL VOTES FOR ME.

I JUST CAN'T READ THEM NOW."

AND REPUBLICANS ACROSS THE

COUNTRY WITH THE HELP OF TRUMP'S

CAMPAIGN ARE ALREADY SETTING THE

STAGE FOR JUST SUCH A LEGAL

BATTLE BY SUING TO DELAY

COUNTING OR INVALIDATE BALLOTS

IN SWING STATES LIKE WISCONSIN,

PENNSYLVANIA, MICHIGAN AND

TEXAS.

TRUMP'S STRATEGY IS TWO PRONGED,

TO UNDERMINE THE ELECTION AND TO

CREATE THE IMPRESSION THAT HE'S

INEVITABLE.

WE CANNOT GET RID OF HIM, BUT WE

CAN.

IT'S IN OUR POWER TO END THIS.

WE CAN REPUDIATE TRUMP AND THE

GOP AND GIVE OUR DEMOCRACY A --

>> BIG, FAT SHOT IN THE ASS.

>> Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER

LOOK."

♪♪♪

TODAY'S OCTOBER 1st, WHICH IS

THE START OF SOBER OCTOBER.

IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON TAKING THE

SOBER OCTOBER PLEDGE BUT STILL

WANT A GREAT BEER, TRY HEINEKEN

00 WITH NO ALCOHOL AND JUST

69 CALORIES.

AND TO HELP CELEBRATE THE MONTH

WE'RE GIVING A FREE CASE TO

EVERYONE IN OUR AUDIENCE.

OH, YEAH.

RIGHT.

OKAY.

THAT WILL NOT TAKE VERY LONG TO

PASS OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, INSTEAD, I WILL JUST TOAST

TO YOU ALL AT HOME.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

CECILY STRONG.

♪♪♪

>> Seth: ALL THIS WEEK, WE'VE

HAD A GREAT DRUMMER BACK WITH

US.

SHE IS AN UP AND COMING TOURING

AND SESSION DRUMMER FROM

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, WHOSE VIDEOS

HAVE GARNERED MILLIONS OF VIEWS.

AND BE SURE TO CHECK OUT HER

INSTAGRAM AT JBIRDSBEATS,

JESSICA BURDEAUX IS HERE.

THANK YOU FOR ANOTHER GREAT

WEEK, JESSICA.

YOU KNOW OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT

FROM HER EMMY NOMINATED WORK ON

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WHICH

RETURNS FOR ITS 46th SEASON THIS

SATURDAY LIVE FROM STUDIO 8H

WITH CHRIS ROCK AND MUSICAL

GUEST MEGAN THEE STALLION.

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW

OUR VERY GOOD FRIEND,

CECILY STRONG.

HI, CES.

>> HI.

HI, SETH.

>> Seth: IT'S SO NICE TO SEE

YOU.

AND I WANT TO START BY

CONGRATULATING YOU ON YOUR EMMY

NOMINATION THIS YEAR.

SO WELL DESERVED.

>> WELL, THANK YOU.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO

LOSE, I THINK.

>> Seth: BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAN OF

WHO WON IN YOUR CATEGORY?

>> YES.

I MEAN, I'M A FAN OF EVERYBODY.

BUT I WAS LIKE, JOKE THAT I WAS

MAYBE ONLY THIRD ON MY OWN LIST.

>> Seth: THIS IS -- WE SHOULD

GIVE A SHOUT OUT.

THIS IS ANNIE MURPHY OF

SCHITT'S CREEK THAT WON IN YOUR

CATEGORY.

AND THAT IS A SHOW YOU LOVE.

>> YES.

HAS IT BEEN ANNOUNCED?

>> I THINK IT'S OUT NOW.

IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE END SCHEDULE IS WEIRD THIS

YEAR.

>> YEAH.

>> Seth: THIS IS VERY EXCITING

FOR US TO SEE YOU BECAUSE YOU

WERE ONE OF THE LAST PEOPLE WE

HAD IN STUDIO BEFORE EVERYTHING

WENT SIDEWAYS BACK IN MARCH.

>> OH, I KNOW.

AND I WAS TALKING SO BIG, AND I

SAID I WAS GOING TO GO TO THE

SOCCER GAME, WHICH I DID.

I WENT TO AN ARENA ON SUNDAY.

AND THE PERSON I WAS WITH WAS

SICK BY THURSDAY.

>> Seth: REALLY?

THAT WAS THE THURSDAY WHERE

EVERYBODY BASICALLY LEFT TOWN,

RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

WELL, I QUARANTINED FOR TWO

WEEKS.

>> Seth: YOU LIVED YOUR BEST

LIFE RIGHT UP UNTIL THE LAST

MINUTE.

>> I SURE DID.

I GOT TO SEE THE SOCCER TEAM

WIN.

THE U.S. WOMEN'S NATIONAL TEAM.

>> YOU HAD SOMETHING THAT IS, I

THINK, ON PAR WITH THAT KIND

VICTORY.

WHICH IS A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE

WILL NOW -- BECAUSE THEY KNOW

YOUR SKILLS AS AN IMPRESSIONIST

IS THEY WILL CAST YOU FROM THE

PUBLIC, AND SOMEONE SUGGESTED

YOU PLAY DON JUNIOR'S

GIRLFRIEND, KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE,

AND IT WAS BETTE MIDLER IN A

TWEET.

>> IT WAS THE DIVINE MS. MIDLER.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

I EMAILED LORNE IMMEDIATELY

AFTER I SAW THAT TWEET.

>> Seth: AND HE RESPONDED.

>> I WAS LIKE, "BETTE MIDLER

SAID TO DO IT, SO."

AND HE SAID, "WE'LL GET THE

WIG."

>> Seth: THAT'S SO NICE OF HIM.

HE HAS SUCH GOOD WIG CONTACTS.

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

HE GOT -- HE IS GIVING ME ONE OF

HIS.

>> Seth: THAT'S NICE.

YOU -- MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, I

THINK I TEXT YOU ALMOST EVERY

TIME YOU DO JEANNINE PIRRO.

IS THIS AS MUCH FUN TO DO AS IT

IS TO WATCH?

>> YES.

ABSOLUTELY.

AND IT'S FUN BECAUSE COLIN IS

ALWAYS A LITTLE BIT SURPRISED,

AND HE ENJOYS IT SO MUCH, BEING

TORTURED.

>> Seth: YEAH.

I FEEL LIKE THAT KIND OF WOMAN

THROWING A DRINK ON COLLIN IS

LIKE A WEIRD, LIKE, MAYBE

FANTASY OF HIS.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

>> PROBABLY.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT

THAT IT WAY, BECAUSE IT WILL

CHANGE THINGS FOR ME.

>> Seth: IT'S GOING TO TAKE YOU

AND PUT YOU IN YOUR HEAD THE

NEXT TIME YOU DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH.

IT'S KIND OF FUN, YOU KNOW,

PLAYING HER AND THEN EVEN WITH

BETTE MIDLER TWEETING, I'VE

NEVER FELT MORE HONORED THAN,

LIKE, WHEN A CRAZED BRUNETTE

SCREAMS ON TELEVISION, PEOPLE

THINK OF ME.

>> Seth: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

IF SAW A CRAZY BRUNETTE, I'D

THINK, "UH, OH.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET CECILY-ED."

>> THAT'S CECILY, YEAH.

>> Seth: I THINK ONE OF THE

EXCITING THINGS ABOUT SATURDAY

THAT EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD

TO, IS JIM CARREY'S GONNA BE

THERE.

HE'S GONNA BE PLAYING JOE BIDEN.

AND THE LAST TIME HE HOSTED,

THERE WAS THE CARREY FAMILY

REUNION.

THERE YOU ARE AS FIRE

MARSHALL BILL.

A VERY CONVINCING FIRE

MARSHALL BILL.

>> CLASSIC LOOK.

YES.

>> Seth: WAS THAT GOOD TIMES?

>> THAT WAS SO COOL, BECAUSE IT

WAS ONE OF THE INSTANCES THAT

HAPPENS A LOT ON OUR SHOW, WHERE

YOU GET TO MEET, LIKE, YOUR

COMEDY HEROES, AND IT WAS NICE

DOING A SKETCH LIKE THAT.

WE KIND OF GOT TO SHOW HIM.

AND I THINK HE REALLY

APPRECIATED IT TOO.

>> Seth: NOT ALL -- THIS IS A

LITTLE HEART BREAKING, BUT I

THINK IT'S GOOD FOR YOUNG ACTORS

OUT THERE TO KNOW THAT NOT --

YOU DON'T SUCCEED AT EVERY TURN.

NOT ALL OF YOUR IMPRESSIONS HAVE

MADE IT ON "SNL."

YOU HAVE AN IMPRESSION OF

IDRIS ELBA ON THE TELEVISION

SHOW "LUTHER."

>> YEAH, IT HAS TO BE "LUTHER."

>> Seth: RIGHT.

THIS IS NOT AN IDRIS ELBA

IMPRESSION.

THIS IS SPECIFIC TO THE BBC COP

SHOW "LUTHER."

>> AND I WOUND UP DOING IT FOR

HIM AT THE HOST DINNER.

>> Seth: AND DID HE LIKE IT?

>> HE SAID HE DID.

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE SAID

AFTER I DO IT.

BECAUSE IT'S MAINLY -- IT'S A

PHYSICAL THING.

>> Seth: OKAY.

>> IT JUST GOES -- "NOW OUT

THERE, BECAUSE I'M A COPPA.

AND IT'S IAN, MATE."

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A LOT OF JUST -- AND HE

WENT, "SO A LOT OF SQUINTING."

AND THAT'S A BAD IDRIS.

I WAS PLAYING HIM THEN, NOT

LUTHER.

AND I SAID, "YEAH, WELL YOU'RE

TIRED.

LUTHER IS TIRED.

>> Seth: LUTHER IS TIRED.

HE IS A LITTLE OVER IT.

I THINK HIS JOB IS OBVIOUSLY

MADE A LOT HARDER.

>> HIS JOB IS FREAKING

EXHAUSTING.

>> Seth: IT'S EXHAUSTING.

BUT I THINK I MISSED THAT, THAT

LUTHER IS OFTEN SORT OF JUST

WORKING -- A LOT OF THIS, YEAH.

A LOT OF WORKING THE CHIN FOR

OLD LUTHER.

>> YEAH.

>> Seth: AND THEN I BELIEVE YOU

WERE JUST LISTING THE OTHER

CHARACTERS THAT WORK WITH

LUTHER.

THOSE WERE JUST HIS COLLEAGUES.

>> YEAH, THAT'S A LOT OF MY

IMPRESSION WORK, IS JUST ME

SAYING THE OTHER NAMES OF PEOPLE

ON THE SHOW.

>> Seth: WELL, IT MAKES IT VERY

CLEAR TO THE PERSON THAT YOU'RE

DOING THE IMPRESSION OF THAT

YOU'VE SEEN THE WORK.

>> YES.

BRETT BUTLER, I JUST YELL AT

QUENTIN WHEN I DO "GRACE UNDER

FIRE."

>> Seth: WELL, I THINK YOU CAN'T

DO A LUTHER AND NOT DO

BRETT BUTLER FROM "GRACE UNDER

FIRE."

>> WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE,

"QUENTIN, QUENTIN GO GET RUSSELL

AT THE PHARMACY, QUENTIN.

WHERE IS NADINE?"

SO, AGAIN, IT'S A LOT OF THE

OTHER CHARACTERS.

>> Seth: DO YOU GET ASKED TO DO

THAT ONE A LOT?

>> I DID IT ONCE, AND THEN THEY

STOPPED ASKING ME.

>> Seth: WELL, THAT'S --

>> IF THERE IS AN IMPRESSION I'M

HIDING.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY DO THAT ON THE

SHOW?

>> Seth: OH, RIGHT, RIGHT,

RIGHT.

>> THEY EMAIL YOU ONCE A WEEK.

>> Seth: OH.

OH, I SEE.

LIKE, YEAH, RIGHT.

THEY WANT TO DO AN IMPRESSION

FOR EACH PARADE SKETCH.

AND THEY'LL SAY, "HEY, DO YOU

HAVE ANYTHING IN YOUR BACK

POCKET," AND THAT'S WHAT YOU

DROP THEM.

AND I'M LIKE, "WELL, 'GRACE

UNDER FIRE'."

>> Seth: THIS IS VERY -- THERE

WAS VERY EXCITING NEWS THAT WAS

RELEASED TODAY.

YOU HAVE A SHOW THAT'S COMING

OUT ON "APPLE TV."

>> YES.

IS THAT -- WHERE ARE YOU IN THE

PRODUCTION SCHEDULE OF THAT?

JUST ABOUT TO START?

IS THAT ACCURATE-ISH?

>> ISH, YES.

I'M NOT 100%.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING.

I'M LOCKED IN A HOUSE.

>> Seth: BUT IT'S AN INCREDIBLE

CAST.

>> I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS

CAST.

WE GOT -- I MEAN, I'VE BEEN LIKE

WAITING TO SCREAM IT FROM THE

MOUNTAIN TOPS.

JUST TO GET TO WORK WITH KEEGAN,

IS MY CO-STAR, AND THEN ALL

THESE AMAZING BROADWAY FOLKS,

AND IT'S JUST -- I'M THRILLED.

I'VE ONLY HAD THE ZOOM COCKTAIL

PARTY WITH THEM SO FAR.

>> Seth: AND THIS IS THE TITLE

OF THE SHOW -- IS THE TITLE

OFFICIAL?

IS IT OFFICIALLY THE TITLE I

HAVE HEARD?

>> NO.

>> Seth: GREAT.

THEN I WON'T SAY IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH.

WELL YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU

WANT, AND YOU'LL BE WRONG.

>> Seth: WELL, I TRY TO AVOID

THAT AT ALL COSTS.

>> UNLESS, I MEAN, IF YOU HAVE A

GOOD IDEA.

BY ALL MEANS.

>> Seth: BUT THIS IS YOU AND

KEEGAN MICHAEL KEY.

YOU'RE BASICALLY A COUPLE THAT

STUMBLES ON TO, SORT OF, A

MAGICAL LAND WHERE EVERYBODY

BELIEVES THEY'RE IN A MUSICAL.

>> YES.

FRED IS IN IT.

>> Seth: FRED,

KRISTIN CHENOWETH.

>> KRISTIN CHENOWETH,

ALAN CUMMING, AARON TVEIT,

DOVE CAMERON, ARIANA DeBOSE.

IT'S REALLY EXCITING.

>> Seth: THAT'S AMAZING.

CONGRATS ON THAT CECILY.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SATURDAY.

IT'S ALWAYS SUCH A JOY TO SEE

YOU.

THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

>> YEAH.

THANK YOU, SETH.

>> Seth: I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

SEASON 46 OF "SNL," PREMIERES

THIS SATURDAY, WITH CHRIS ROCK

AND MUSICAL GUEST,

MEGAN THEE STALLION.

>> Seth: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH DAVID WRIGHT.

♪♪♪

>> Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A

SEVEN-TIME MLB ALL-STAR AND

COUNTLESS FRANCHISE RECORD

HOLDER WHO PLAYED THIRD BEST --

THIRD BASE, EXCUSE ME, FOR THE

NEW YORK METS.

HIS MEMOIR "THE CAPTAIN" WILL BE

PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 13th.

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE SHOW

DAVID WRIGHT.

THANKS FOR BEING HERE, DAVID.

>> SETH, THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

>> Seth: WE ARE A LITTLE UPSET

THAT YOU'RE NOT HERE LIVE IN THE

STUDIO.

WE HAVE A LOT OF METS FANS HERE

WHO ARE VERY DISAPPOINTED NOT TO

MEET YOU, AND --

>> I HEARD IN THE OPENING, THERE

IS ONE.

>> Seth: WE HAVE ONE.

WE ALSO HAVE ONE YANKEE FAN, BUT

HE'S THE WORST GUY.

>> OKAY, GOOD.

>> Seth: OH, THERE HE IS.

AT LEAST HE KNEW WHO I WAS

TALKING ABOUT.

SO I WANT TO START BY SAYING, I

THINK WE HAVE CHILDREN ALMOST

THE EXACT SAME AGE.

2 1/2 AND 4 1/2.

I CERTAINLY HAVE ENJOYED MY TIME

WITH THEM OVER THIS, YOU KNOW,

CRAZY ERA WE ARE LIVING THROUGH.

HAVE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME WITH

THE KIDS?

>> I HAVE.

AND LET ME START OUT BY SAYING

YOU ROCKED THE TROLLS JOKE IN

THE BEGINNING, SO --

>> Seth: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> YOU GOT A GOOD DAD CHUCKLE

OUT OF ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, I THINK WE REALLY ENJOYED

THE TIME DOING THINGS AS A

FAMILY THAT WE TYPICALLY

WOULDN'T DO.

IF THE GIRLS WERE IN PRESCHOOL,

THE HARD PART HAS CERTAINLY BEEN

RELEARNING HOW TO COLOR IN THE

LINES AND CUT STRAIGHT AND NOT

GET GLUE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

SO THAT'S BEEN A CHALLENGE.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S BEEN

FANTASTIC.

>> Seth: YEAH, WE ARE ALL

RELEARNING OUR ARTS AND CRAFT

SKILLS.

THEY HAVEN'T FULLY ABANDONED US.

YOU, I KNOW -- OBVIOUSLY, YOU

ARE RETIRED NOW BUT YOU STILL

WORK WITH THE METS IN AN

ADVISORY ROLE.

HOW -- I ASSUME YOU MISS

PLAYING.

DO YOU MISS IT LESS SEEING WHAT

THE PLAYERS HAD TO GO THROUGH

THIS SEASON?

>> CERTAINLY.

CERTAINLY.

WITH ALL THE PROTOCOLS.

IT WAS A WEIRD SEASON.

IT WAS A TOUGH SEASON.

I'M KIND OF A BASEBALL

TRADITIONALIST.

SO SEEING A DH IN THE NATIONAL

LEAGUE KIND OF HURT A LITTLE

BIT.

AND SEEING, YOU KNOW, THE

RUNNERS START ON SECOND BASE AND

EXTRA INNINGS, YOU KNOW, KIND OF

WAS A BIT OF A GUT PUNCH AND

TOOK A LITTLE GETTING USED TO.

BUT I'M GLAD THE GAME CAME BACK.

YOU KNOW, CERTAINLY GLAD THAT WE

HAD SOME ENTERTAINMENT DURING

THE TOUGH TIMES.

SO HOPEFULLY, WE GET BACK TO

SOME NORMALCY NEXT YEAR.

>> Seth: YOU FAMOUSLY GREW UP A

METS FAN DESPITE THE FACT THAT

YOU ARE FROM VIRGINIA.

HOW DOES A KID IN VIRGINIA END

UP BEING A FAN OF THE NEW YORK

METS?

BECAUSE YOU REALLY, YOU KNOW, NO

OFFENSE TO THE METS, YOU COULD

HAVE PICKED ANYBODY.

THEN AGAIN, YOU WERE PICKING THE

METS BEFORE THEY HAD

DAVID WRIGHT, YOU KNOW, SO --

>> RUMOR HAS IT, YOU'RE SOMEWHAT

OF A PIRATE FAN.

SO I'M NOT SURE, YOU SHOULD LOOK

YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR BEFORE

THAT COMMENT.

>> Seth: THAT IS HEARTBREAKING

THAT YOU FOUND THAT OUT.

>> OUR AAA TEAM WAS IN NORFOLK,

VIRGINIA, WHICH IS ABOUT A

15 MINUTE DRIVE FROM MY HOUSE.

AND MY FATHER WORKED IN THE

POLICE DEPARTMENT.

MY MOTHER WORKED IN A LOCAL

SCHOOL SYSTEM.

SO GETTING A CHANCE TO GO TO OUR

AAA AFFILIATES GAMES, MY DAD

KNEW A LOT OF THE OFF DUTY

POLICE OFFICERS THAT WERE

WORKING SECURITY.

SO, YOU KNOW, THEY WOULD KIND OF

SNEAK ME DOWN SOMETIMES AND TAKE

PICTURES WITH SOME OF THE

PLAYERS OR GET SOME AUTOGRAPHS

OR GIVE ME A FOUL BALL AND I GOT

THE BIGGEST THRILL OUT OF

MEETING THOSE PLAYERS.

AND THEN, A COUPLE WEEKS LATER,

TURNING ON THE TV AND SEEING

THOSE SAME PLAYERS PLAYING IN

THE BIG LEAGUES IN NEW YORK.

SO I GREW UP A BIT OF A

DISPLACED METS FAN BECAUSE OF

OUR AAA TEAM.

>> Seth: THAT'S CERTAINLY A NICE

OUTCOME THAT YOU ENDED UP

PLAYING FOR YOUR, YOU KNOW,

BOYHOOD TEAM.

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU MADE

IT TO THE BIGS?

>> 21.

>> Seth: 21 YEARS OLD.

SO YOU ARE MOVING TO NEW YORK

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS 27 WHEN I

MOVED TO NEW YORK AND I WAS

OVERWHELMED.

21, I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.

TRUE STORY YOU DID NOT HAVE A

SUIT AT THAT TIME?

>> 100%.

THE TRICK WAS, AND ONE OF THE --

A COUPLE OF THE OLDER GUYS, I

WAS LUCKY I GOT CAUGHT UP WITH A

VERY VETERAN GROUP.

THE TRICK WAS YOU BUY ONE SPORTS

COAT AND WHETHER IT MATCHED OR

NOT, YOU JUST THROW IT OVER YOUR

SHOULDER TO SAY YOU HAVE IT.

SO THEREFORE, YOU'RE ALWAYS IN

LINE WITH WHAT THE RULES ARE,

BUT YOU DON'T NECESSARILY HAVE

TO BUY A LOT TO MATCH.

AND AT THE TIME, I WAS PRETTY

FRUGAL.

YOU KNOW, WE WENT TO MONTREAL

FOR MY FIRST ROAD TRIP IN THE

BIG LEAGUES, AND SOME OF THE

VETERAN GUYS, MAINLY CLIFF LLOYD

TOOK ME OUT AND BOUGHT ME A

BUNCH OF SUITS TO WEAR ON THE

ROAD.

AND LET ME REMIND YOU, IN 2004,

THE STYLE WAS THE BIGGER, THE

BAGGIER, THE BETTER.

SO ME WALKING OUT WITH THIS SUIT

STORE WITH THE HUGE MONSTROUS

MC HAMMER TYPE PANTS, YOU KNOW,

IT WAS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD.

AND I'M GLAD THAT SOCIAL MEDIA

WASN'T AROUND THEN.

>> Seth: YEAH, THAT IS GOOD TO

KNOW.

ALSO, I THINK LIKE 2004 WASN'T

QUITE MC HAMMER.

I THINK CLIFF LLOYD MIGHT'VE

BEEN PULLING A VETERAN'S PRANK

ON YOU.

>> POSSIBLY.

POSSIBLY.

>> Seth: NO, IT'S 2004, HAMMER

IS HUGE.

THIS IS -- YOU KNOW, IT'S PRETTY

COOL THAT YOU ARE WRITING A

BOOK.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE

ACCOMPLISHED A LOT.

WAS IT HARDER TO WRITE A BOOK

THAN YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE?

>> SO I NEVER THOUGHT I REALLY

WANTED TO DO IT.

I WAS APPROACHED BY THE

CO-AUTHOR ANTHONY DiCOMO WHO DID

A FANTASTIC JOB GUIDING ME ALONG

THE WAY.

BUT IT WAS THERAPEUTIC FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, I THINK AS AN ATHLETE,

YOU NEVER GET A CHANCE TO ENJOY

THE MOMENT WHILE YOU'RE DOING

IT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU ARE ALWAYS

LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT NEXT

CHALLENGE OR TRYING TO GET READY

FOR THE NEXT PITCHER THE NEXT

NIGHT.

SO, YOU KNOW, TO BE ABLE TO

RELIVE SOME OF THESE MEMORIES

AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST

MEMORIES THAT I'M GOING TO HAVE

IN MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW, AND TO BE ABLE TO SEE

IT FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S

PERSPECTIVES OR HEAR WHAT

TEAMMATES WERE THINKING OR FANS

WERE THINKING OR MY FAMILY WAS

THINKING AT THAT TIME, YOU KNOW,

WAS PRETTY COOL.

AND A QUICK, FUNNY STORY IS ONE

OF THE COOLEST THINGS IS I GOT A

CHANCE TO TAKE A COUPLE DOZEN

FAMILY PICTURES, PERSONAL

PICTURES FOR THE MIDDLE OF THE

BOOK.

SO MY PARENTS STILL LIVE IN

VIRGINIA.

I'M OUT ON THE WEST COAST.

SO I CALL MY DAD AND MOM AND I

SAY, "HEY, CAN YOU SEND ME SOME

PICTURES FROM BACK IN THE DAY, I

WANT TO GO THROUGH THEM AND GET

SOME CHILDHOOD PHOTOS.

SO MY PARENTS BEING AS FRUGAL AS

THEY ARE, THEY FEDEX GROUND THIS

THING.

IT COMES LIKE A WEEK LATER.

THERE'S FOUR HUGE BOXES.

IT'S GOT TO BE TENS OF THOUSANDS

OF PICTURES.

SO GOING THROUGH THESE PICTURES

AND PICKING MY FAVORITES BROUGHT

BACK SO MANY GREAT MEMORIES OF

NOT JUST BASEBALL, BUT MY YOUTH

AND YOUTH AND GROWING UP AND

PLAYING BASEBALL FOR THE FIRST

TIME AS A KID, AND MY

GRANDPARENTS WHO HAVE SINCE

PASSED.

IT WAS REALLY COOL AND NOSTALGIC

TO KIND OF GO THROUGH IT AND

PIECE IT TOGETHER.

>> Seth: WELL IT'S REALLY --

IT'S REALLY A NICE DOCUMENT FOR,

YOU KNOW, THE MILLIONS OF FANS

WHO YOU MEANT SO MUCH TO.

AND IT'S REALLY COOL THAT YOU

WROTE IT.

CONGRATULATIONS SO MUCH ON THE

BOOK.

AND BEFORE YOU LEAVE, I KNOW YOU

ARE STILL WATCHING BASEBALL.

ANY PREDICTIONS AS WE'RE IN --

YOU KNOW, ENTERING I GUESS THE

END OF FIRST ROUND OF THIS CRAZY

PLAYOFFS?

>> I GUESS SINCE THE METS AND

THE PIRATES DIDN'T QUITE MAKE IT

TO THE PLAYOFFS, I WILL GO WITH

THE EASY CHOICE AND BEING OUT

HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, THE

DODGERS LOOK LIKE THEY ARE

PRETTY GOOD.

SO THAT IS THE EASY WAY OUT BUT

I WILL TAKE THE DODGERS.

>> Seth: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH THE EASY WAY OUT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING

HERE.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT, DAVID.

>> SETH, IT WAS A PLEASURE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Seth: "THE CAPTAIN" WILL BE

AVAILABLE OCTOBER 13TH WHEREVER

BOOKS ARE SOLD.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

MIRANDA JULY.

♪♪♪

>> Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS AN

ARTIST, ACTOR, WRITER AND

FILMMAKER.

HER MOVIE "KAJILLIONAIRE" IS IN

SELECT THEATERS NOW.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THE BIG

ONE STARTS.

BUT THE NOISE, IT JUST KEEPS

BUILDING AND BUILDING AND

BUILDING.

>> THIS ONE'S NOT BUILDING.

THE BIG ONE WILL BE LOUD.

HONEY, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU'LL

GET CRUSH.

AND THEN, YOU WILL JUST DIE

RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

IMMEDIATELY.

A NEVER ENDING VOID.

>> WOW.

SO, YOLO.

>> Seth: PLEASE WELCOME TO THE

SHOW MIRANDA JULY.

HELLO, MIRANDA.

>> HI THERE, SETH.

>> Seth: I'M SO EXCITED YOU'RE

HERE.

WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HAVE YOU

ON FOR A WHILE.

>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

REMEMBER.

WE ACTUALLY MET ONCE BEFORE.

>> Seth: I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU

WOULD REMEMBER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO, I DO, I DO.

YOU WERE -- SO YOU WERE COMING

OUT OF AN ELEVATOR AND I WAS

GOING IN AND YOU TURNED -- DO

YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID TO

ME?

>> Seth: NOT --

>> YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU."

AND THEN, THE DOOR SHUT.

WHICH -- WHICH A LOT OF PEOPLE

MIGHT HAVE TAKEN THE WRONG WAY,

RIGHT?

LIKE, PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT

YOU MEANT I LOVE YOUR WORK OR

YOU'RE SO COOL, BUT I KNEW.

THAT YOU MEANT I LOVE YOU.

>> Seth: I DO.

>> I KNOW.

>> Seth: SO CAN WE TALK ABOUT

YOUR MOVIE "KAJILLIONAIRE?"

I THOUGHT IT WAS FANTASTIC.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Seth: IT'S -- IT'S A MOVIE

ABOUT LIKE LOW -- I WOULD SAY

LOWER TIER FAMILY OF CON MEN.

IS THAT AN ACCURATE WAY OF

DESCRIBING IT?

>> RIGHT, RIGHT, NOT VERY GOOD

AT THEIR JOB.

>> Seth: NOT PARTICULARLY GOOD

AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOUR WORK

OVER THE YEARS AND AS WE HAVE

ESTABLISHED, I'M A FAN OF IT.

IT'S OFTEN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL TO

SOME DEGREE.

IS THERE ANY OF YOU IN THIS

FAMILY?

ANY OF YOU IN THESE CHARACTERS?

>> DO YOU MEAN AM I A LOW-LEVEL

CON ARTIST?

>> Seth: WELL, YEAH, I GUESS

THAT IS WHAT I'M GETTING AT.

>> WELL, I WILL SAY IN THE LIKE,

EMBARRASSINGLY ENTITLED PUNK

YOUTH THAT I HAD, THERE WAS SORT

OF A CULTURE OF STEALING AND I

DID -- I STOPPED AND I DON'T

CONDONE THAT.

I REMEMBER LIKE A TURNING POINT

FOR ME WAS I WAS -- I WAS LIKE A

GUEST ARTIST, VISITING ARTIST.

I WAS 23.

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN

COLLEGE, NOT BEING A GUEST

ARTIST, BUT I REMEMBER KIND OF

SCOPING OUT THE ROOM AS WAS MY

HABIT FOR WHAT I CAN TAKE ON THE

WAY OUT.

LIKE MAYBE A BOX OF CHALK OR

THAT VIDEO PROJECTOR OR

SOMETHING.

AND THEN, I CAUGHT MYSELF AND I

SUDDENLY REALIZED, OH, YOU CAN

EITHER BE THIS SORT OF RESPECTED

ARTIST PERSON OR YOU CAN HAVE

THE BOX OF CHALK.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

AND I GUESS I MADE A CHOICE

THERE.

>> Seth: YEAH, THOSE WERE YOUR

TWO PATHS.

AND WE ARE CERTAINLY HAPPY WITH

THE ONE YOU PICKED.

I ALSO -- I'VE READ THAT YOU GOT

THIS IDEA SORT OF HALF ASLEEP,

THE IDEA FOR THIS FILM AND

USUALLY, I WOULD SAY MOST

WRITERS WOULD TELL YOU THE IDEAS

THEY GET WHEN YOU ARE HALF

ASLEEP, YOU WAKE UP IN THE

MORNING AND YOU REALIZE IT'S NOT

A PARTICULARLY GOOD IDEA.

HOW QUICKLY DID YOU KNOW THAT

THERE WAS SOMETHING HERE?

>> NOT VERY QUICKLY.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT FOR ALL

THE WRITERS OUT THERE.

I HAD TO WITHHOLD JUDGMENT.

YOU KNOW, IT SEEMED FOR THE

BETTER PART OF A YEAR LIKE KIND

OF A SILLY IDEA.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THE CONS AND WHAT

DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

WHY WASTE MY LIFE ON THIS?

AND THEN, I GOT TO THE END AND

READ IT BACK, AND IT KIND OF

PUNCHED ME IN THE GUT.

AND I GUESS AT THAT MOMENT, I

WAS LIKE, OH, MAYBE THAT IS THE

MOVIE.

MAYBE THAT'S THE RIDE.

LIKE YOU'RE LAUGHING, YOU'RE

LAUGHING, YOU'RE LAUGHING,

YOU'RE CRYING.

>> Seth: AND THIS IS A FILM

THAT, I MEAN, ANXIETY IS A REAL

THEME OF THIS FILM.

NOT JUST THE IDEA OF AN

EARTHQUAKE, BUT ALSO FINANCIAL,

ECONOMIC, AND FAMILY ANXIETY,

AND IT MUST BE SO STRANGE SO

HAVE IT COME OUT AT A TIME --

OBVIOUSLY, YOU MADE IT BEFORE

ALL THIS HAPPENED.

IN THIS HOT BED OF ANXIETY NOW.

>> YEAH.

I KNOW IT'S SO STRANGE.

THAT ANXIETY WAS REALLY PERSONAL

TO ME, AND A LOT OF THE THEMES,

LIKE THE SENSITIVITY TO TOUCH

AND JUST THE STRANGENESS OF THIS

LEAD CHARACTER, OLD DOLIO IS HER

NAME, PLAYED BY

EVAN RACHEL WOOD.

AND NOW, SUDDENLY THOSE SUBTLE

THEMES ARE LIKE FRONT AND

CENTER.

LIKE, THOSE ARE NOT MY WEIRD

THINGS.

THAT'S LIKE THE WORLD'S WEIRD

THING NOW.

WE ARE ALL OLD DOLIO.

>> Seth: I ALSO WANT TO

CONGRATULATE YOU ON THIS

MONOGRAPH, THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT

YOU THAT YOU HAD OTHER PEOPLE

BASICALLY CONTRIBUTE.

I THINK IT'S LIKE 80 PEOPLE THAT

BASICALLY TALK ABOUT YOU.

WAS THAT TERRIFYING TO TURN

OVER, SORT OF GIVE THE KEYS TO

FAMILIES AND FRIENDS TO TELL

YOUR STORY?

>> YEAH, I THINK I THOUGHT I

WOULD LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU SECRETLY FEAR

THAT YOU'RE A NARCISSIST?

YOU KNOW, LIKE MAYBE YOU TAKE

THE NARCISSIST TEST ONLINE AND

YOU'RE LIKE, AM I?

AND I FOUND OUT, REAL QUICK,

LIKE ACTUALLY, IT TURNS OUT I'M

NOT.

LIKE I HIT THINK THRESHOLD

IMMEDIATELY AND JUST HAD TO

DISASSOCIATE FOR MOST OF THE

EXPERIENCE OF MAKING THAT BOOK

AND PRETEND THAT EVERYBODY WAS

TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE AND I

WAS JUST MAYBE WORKING FOR THAT

PERSON, MAKING HER BOOK FOR HER.

>> Seth: IT MUST BE SO STRANGE

TOO.

BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE ARE

GIVING YOU MATERIALS, AND THEN,

YOU HAVE TO -- BECAUSE PART OF

IT IS YOU TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF

IT, RIGHT, AND THEN, YOU GET

THIS INCREDIBLE REFLECTION OF

SOMEBODY.

BECAUSE I THINK SOMETIMES WITH

AUTOBIOGRAPHIES, YOU KNOW, YOU

ARE OBVIOUSLY GETTING ONE

PERSON'S PERSPECTIVE.

IT'S SO MULTI-LAYERED TO HAVE A

BUNCH OF PEOPLE, BUT AT THE SAME

TIME, YOU ARE THE GATE KEEPER.

WAS THAT A WEIRD RESPONSIBILITY

TO HAVE?

>> I THINK I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

MORE ACCURATE THAT WAY.

LIKE, I WAS ACTUALLY ASSIGNED TO

WRITE ABOUT MYSELF AND

EVERYTHING I STARTED TO WRITE

DIDN'T -- IT DIDN'T SEEM TRUE.

EVERYTHING WAS TRUE BUT IT

DIDN'T ADD UP TO THE TRUTH, YOU

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND SO, EVEN IF SOME OF MY

FRIENDS ARE COLLABORATING

STORIES ARE LIKE A LITTLE OFF OR

IT'S LIKE JUST THEIR VERSION,

SOMEHOW COLLECTIVELY, IT'S MORE

A LIFE.

>> Seth: IT'S REALLY WONDERFUL,

AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE, BEFORE

YOU GO, I SHOULD SAY THAT THE

MANY THINGS YOU HAVE DONE, ONE

OF MY FAVORITE THINGS YOU EVER

DID WAS AN INTERVIEW WITH

RIHANNA, I BELIEVE IN THE

"NEW YORK TIMES" BACK IN 2015.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE LONG BEEN

ENAMORED WITH RIHANNA.

BUT THAT INTERVIEW WAS THE FIRST

TIME I REALIZED TRULY HOW FUN

SHE WAS.

WAS THAT AS MUCH FUN TO

BASICALLY SPEND THAT TIME WITH

HER AS IT WAS TO READ?

>> YES, I MEAN, WE BOTH ARE

DRUNK WITH RIHANNA.

>> Seth: WE KNOW.

YEAH.

>> ALTHOUGH, SHE WAS DRUNK

WITH --

I THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO

WOULD LIKE NERVOUSLY DRUNKEN

MYSELF.

I MEAN, I -- YEAH, IT MEAN,

SHE'S JUST SO LOVELY.

RIGHT?

>> Seth: YEAH.

>> I'M SO JEALOUS THAT YOU

REALLY HUNG OUT WITH HER LIKE

THAT.

>> Seth: YEAH, I'M JUST SO SAD

IT'S OVER.

AND IT'S BEEN OVER FOR LIKE OVER

A YEAR.

I'M STILL JUST LIKE WORKING

THROUGH, THAT IT'S PROBABLY NOT

GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

>> I REMEMBER HER ASSISTANT --

LIKE, I HAD TO DO SOME LAST

MINUTE FACT CHECKING OR

SOMETHING, AND HER ASSISTANT

SIGNED OFF SAYING SOMETHING

LIKE, YOU KNOW, "SEE YOU AROUND"

OR SOMETHING.

AND FOR THE WHOLE LIKE NEXT

WEEK, I WAS LIKE, READY.

LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO CALL ME

TO HANG OUT.

AND I WAS LIKE, TELLING

EVERYONE, I DON'T KNOW, WE

HAVE -- YOU KNOW, SHE SAID, "SEE

YOU AROUND."

SO THAT'S -- YOU KNOW, IT'S

PROBABLY IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

AND THEN, SOMEONE POINTED OUT,

LIKE, THAT IS JUST WHAT

PEOPLE --

THAT'S LIKE BYE.

>> Seth: YEAH, BECAUSE THAT

WAS 2015.

I FEEL LIKE THOSE PLANS WOULD

HAVE PROBABLY FIRMED UP BY NOW.

>> I MEAN, I GUESS, YEAH, NO,

YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> Seth: MIRANDA, IT'S BEEN SO

LOVELY TO HAVE YOU HERE.

THE FILM IS GREAT.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BOOK AS

WELL, AND I WOULD LIKE TO CLOSE

THE WAY WE BEGAN BY SAYING I

LOVE YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: "KAJILLIONAIRE" IS IN

SELECT THEATERS NOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪♪♪

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