All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E02.The.Drip.1080p.Amazon.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.x264-QOQ

Moira!
Hmm.

Moira!

Oh, no! I just finally
cried myself to sleep.

The bed's soaking wet.

Is it blood?

No! There's a leak
in the ceiling.

- There is a brown disgusting drip coming.
- Oh!

Look at the...
Look at... Oh, my God.

- I can't do it. I tried!
- This place is a dump! It's a dump.

You know what?
It's a hell hole.

I tried, John, but I can't!

- Ah!
- Wake up.

- Ah!
- Start packing.

The plumbing is shot to hell in
this place and we are getting out.

We are getting out!

What are you wearing?
What is that? A nightgown?

It's a nightshirt, David.
And that's not the issue.

The issue is
the brown sludge in my bed.

We're selling the place!

It's 6:00 a.m.!

What's the name of the mouthy
kid at the front desk?

I don't know.
I'm trying very hard

not to connect with
people right now.

The mouth,
the mouth, the girl.

You might want to rethink
the nightgown first.

There's a whole Ebenezer
Scrooge thing happening.

Oh, my God,
that's who I was thinking of.

You know what?
I'll do it myself.

- My best to Bob Cratchit.
- Okay.

Hello! Hello! Service?

This bell is broken.

Yeah, sorry.
It's more or less decorative.

There's a leak in my room.

Brown, disgusting sewage water was
dripping all over my bed this morning.

I was soaking wet.
So I need a plumber.

You want me to call a plumber?

Do I want you
to call a plumber?

Yes, yes, I do.
I want you call...

You should already be
on the phone.

Could you call a plumber?

I'll see if he's home.

Or conscious.

He's a good guy.
He's just a big drinker.

I also need
a real-estate agent.

The name of a good
real-estate agent right away.

Oh, there's a guy named Ray.

Yeah. He's the best one.
He's also the only one, so...

A guy named Ray...

Is there anything else
I can help you with, Mr. Rose?

Uh, yes. My wife and I will be taking
breakfast in our room this morning.

Eggs Florentine
and a yoghurt parfait.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, due to a lack of everything,
we don't do room service.

Um, but you're always welcome to help
yourself to our complimentary espresso bar.

I'd rather
drink the pipe water.

I hear ya.

Ew.

Who even is this girl?

He said that he would never date
anyone with a toe ring and yet...

Oh!

Rub my back.

What? No.

I rubbed your back many a
nights when you were little.

Yeah, in exchange for
half my allowance.

Fine. You may select
one silver piece

from my accessory case.
Right here.

Oh, my God.
She has "hakuna matata" tattooed on her foot.

Stavros was seeing
escorts before you.

A Disney tattoo
shouldn't be a surprise.

We said no social media
post breakup.

- We had a pact about that.
- He dates hookers.

Well, I'm sorry that I don't hire
my friends at model castings.

Actually, now that I think about it,
where are those friends?

They're just giving me
space right now.

- Because they're considerate people.
- Oh, right.

- Space. Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, I think it's best
that he dumped you.

He didn't dump me.

We actually both decided that it was
best that he see other people, so...

Children, mindless bickering is a
luxury we may no longer afford.

You are blind to reality,
and for that, I am most proud.

But our world's evil twin...

Okay, I'm taking my journal
into the bathroom.

- Has reared her ugly...
- Where I will be shutting the door.

David! You might actually
want to hear this.

Oh, hi!

- Are you Ray?
- Yes.

You're late.

Johnny Rose. My wife, Moira.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Oh, I love your complexion.

So, what can I help you with?

Housing,
investment opportunities?

Mr. Rose and I would like to put a
"for sale" sign on this incredible town.

We're willing to settle
for what we paid for it.

More if we can get it,
but definitely not less.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not super optimistic.

You know, because the government
saw no value in Schitt's Creek.

You know, when they
repossessed your assets.

You know,
because of the humiliating...

Yes, we know.
We know. We know.

Well, we'll do our best.

First, we just have to get Roland
to sign off on the listing

and then we're good to go.

I need to confer with the financial
powerhouse of the family.

Since when did the mayor
need to sign off on this?

Ray, since when did the
mayor need sign off on this?

Well, it's all right here.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, excuse me.

I don't think my sheets have been cleaned.
They smell like cigarettes.

No, that's just the way
they smell.

Also, you can tell your dad
that the plumber was busy.

So I just pushed the bed up against the
wall and put a bucket where the bed was.

Okay. We're gonna be
selling this town.

So it's gonna be
someone else's problem soon.

But it's such a
great place to live.

I think you're funny.

Thank you.

Um...

Look, I know this probably
isn't your thing,

but there's a
tailgate party later.

It's not exactly clubbing,
but, you know, close.

I don't know what
"tailgate" means.

In my mind, I'm picturing
like a Klan rally.

Yeah, just fewer pointy hats.

Just townies with
un-ironic haircuts.

Okay. I'm gonna pass.

I'm not really in the mood to be a
victim of a hate crime tonight, so...

Okay.

Stavros just posted
three more photos.

Who are these jenky women?

From the looks of it,
they're blonde and mostly naked, so...

Is there a bar in this place or are we
in one of those religio-cult towns?

I was just telling your
brother about a party tonight.

But he passed, so...

Um, yes.
Love that journey for me.

Okay. So I'm looking for a guy

like a mechanic
or someone that hammers stuff.

Um, at least 5'7".

Kind of like full lips.
Athletic body.

Maybe a neck tattoo
would be cute.

No, it wouldn't.

You know,
I think this could be really good for me.

So thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah. I'm looking forward
to it.

Having all that fun.

Wow.

So Johnny Rose wants
the ol' Johnny Hancock?

- Well...
- Shouldn't be a problem, Johnny.

I'm happy to sign off
on the listing, okay?

Well, thank you very much,
Roland. Appreciate it.

Sure. Why don't you come
over tonight and pick it up?

Uh, no. Mr. Mayor, I...

No, no.
Roland, a signature, that's all I need.

Johnny, look, here is
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna grab the kids,
you're gonna grab Moira,

you're gonna come over,

we're gonna sit down like civilized people,
have a few laughs,

and then at the end of the evening
we'll get to the big signing, okay?

Right. Okay.
Honestly, Roland, it's just a...

It's just a signature.
A flick of the wrist. That's it.

You're not rejecting my hospitality,
are you, Johnny?

Because that really wouldn't
be a good way

to start things off,
I don't think.

No, no. I'm not... I'd love to come
to dinner. Are you kidding me?

No. I just thought,
let's do business first,

get the signature,
and then dinner.

Johnny, you want that.
To get that you need this.

So let's just do this my way.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
Yeah, dinner it is.

Yes, dinner it is, attaboy.
Okay.

How did you not get
the contract signed, John?

Can one thing, just one thing,
not be easy in this town?

Look, Roland's playing games, honey.
He's playing games.

So this is something
we have to do.

Okay. Well,
I would love to go,

but I've actually
double-booked myself.

I'm going to a truck party
with the front desk girl

and obviously she'd be
super devastated

if I bailed last minute.
So I can't. I can't go.

Okay. Well, cancel it because
you're coming to dinner.

No.

One of you kids has to come.

David, you've got
nothing on tonight.

How do you know that?

What do you have on tonight?

- What?
- Good, it's settled.

Or you could go alone, John.

Since you are the one who did
not get the contract signed.

Moira, Roland wants
the family there tonight.

So my family
has to go tonight.

Let me explain something
about business.

- Don't you dare...
- It's a dance.

And sometimes you lead.
And sometimes you follow.

And which are you
doing now, John?

I am leading, Moira.

In a Roland game,
I think you're following.

Following in the game but
leading in the dance, right?

And he thinks
he's leading in the dance,

but only because
I've allowed him to think...

Are you listening to this?

- Hmm?
- It doesn't matter. I'm leading.

I shall bathe.

And if I bang my head
and slip beneath the surface,

so be it, Mr. Rose.

What's this?

Yeah, Stevie called.
Apparently the plumber's in rehab.

Um, and you also...
You have something on your...

I don't know what that is,
but it's a thing.

David, for the
gate party tonight,

is it more of
a leather pants...

Son of a bitch!

Thanks for having us, Jocelyn.
Thank you.

Make yourselves at home.
Roland's just on the toilet.

Oh, what a surprise.

You have a really lovely home.
It's really understated.

Thank you.
I get a lot of my ideas from magazines.

Don't be modest.

This is 100% you and only you.

Hey, okay. It's the Roses.

Come on, folks, please sit.

Come on, I'm just the mayor,
for crying out loud.

Ooh, hors d'oeuvres.

That's too bad about Alexis.

Well, it is.
But we did bring the life of the party.

Our David.

Well, I guess that just means there's
more for you and me, right, Dave?

I hope everybody
likes a cheeseball.

- Cheeseball?
- Ooh!

It's the treat that keeps
our love life percolating.

It's like an
aphrodisiac with him.

Go ahead.

Oh, yes, can't wait.
Can't wait. Mmm.

So, David,
tell us about yourself.

- I hear you're a gallerist.
- Oh. Wow!

There's a 10-dollar
word for you.

David owned
a brilliant gallery.

Tell them about
your last show.

- It's not... It's not...
- You must, please.

Tell them, David, tell them.

The gallery worked with
Janet Kempfluugen.

Kempfluugen?

She's a Brooklyn-based performance
artist. She's a big deal.

Anyway, she would walk into the
space wearing a clay mask of a fawn,

remove her clothing and breastfeed
members of the audience.

It was a commentary
on income inequality.

- Wow.
- Heady stuff.

Yeah. Hmm...

Lip gloss?

No, thank you.

I wish I could pull off the whole gluey,
no makeup look.

It's so French.

Thank you.

So, why are you single?

Who said I'm single?

Girl, we are on the hunt.
I hope you are single.

Oh, no, no.
I'm not "on the hunt."

A town this size,

you've either been through
'em or know way too much about 'em.

Okay. I'm gonna go do a lap and this
swan is best when she flies solo.

So you're gonna be okay?

- I live here.
- Okay, okay.

- Am I good? Yes? Okay.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Thank you.
- You're not cold?

Chuck, beer!

I know it's gotta be
in here somewhere.

Slippery little bastard.

Maybe a fork would help,
Roland?

That's sweet. Thank you.
I'm okay. I'll find it.

So is that the
contract over there?

Yeah, it is. You know,
I gotta be honest with you.

I tried reading that thing.
It is really boring.

Ah, got it!
There she is! Okay.

Oh!

Oh, my God, honey.
Oh, that is good.

That is good.

I believe
you were saying, John...

Yes. This reminds me of a merger
I put together in Zurich.

It was two families breaking bread together,
and we...

- Very, very...
- My head. My head hurts.

No! Are you okay?

I think it's the migraines
that I get a lot.

Oh, I think that'll pass,
David.

I don't think it's gonna pass.
I don't think it's passing.

Migraines can be so awful.

Yeah, well, not this one.
Not this one.

Yeah, you know what?
I think I need to go.

I think you need to eat
something and that will help.

No, I think I need to go back.

Take me with you, please.

David, sit down.
Sit down. Sit back down.

Jocelyn, thank you
so much for dinner.

Why don't you lie down
on our mattress?

The sheets are in the dryer,
but there is rubber pad.

No. Thanks.

- David! Don't go near the door.
- Thank you.

David! Do not open that door.

I brought vodka
as a house gift.

I don't see it.

That's what I say.

Crazy.

I'm Twyla.

From the cafe. Yeah.

Yeah. David Rose.

I'm a little drunk.

Mmm-hmm.

- Hey.
- Hey, Stevie.

I am going to roast myself
a marshmallow.

- Anybody?
- No. Thanks.

- You're all good?
- No.

- No, thanks.
- Great.

I don't know why you were
so reluctant to show up here.

You fit right in.

Well, my sister
texted me "help."

And my mind went
straight to Deliverance.

So I wasn't too far off.

That's funny, because your sister
texted me from across the bonfire

and said you'd probably
show up here

because you were bored and lonely
and had nothing better to do.

Well,
my sister is a broken shell of a human being.

That's where that's
coming from, so...

Oh, okay.

Oh. Well, she seems fine.

Are you serious? That's so funny.
That's so funny.

So I guess you're free to go.

I'm gonna need a stiff drink
to get through this. Stiff.

So, Jocelyn,
you were saying that you teach high school,

or you want to
finish high school?

I'm not sure.
I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

I teach high school.

Oh, you're a saint.

I love it.
I love connecting with the young people.

Although I know
those boys are undressing me

every time I drop
a piece of chalk.

Yeah. Well, maybe we should
hold onto our chalk. Hmm?

They're boys. It's cute.

John...

Oh. Ah-ha!

There it is! There it is!
The Vivien Blake bitch face!

- Excuse me?
- I didn't want to say anything,

but you were my favorite
character on Sunrise Bay.

- Thanks.
- It's true.

He lived for Sunrise Bay.

I could be doing cartwheels in a
thong in front of that television,

which I have done,

but if your show was on,
I was as good as wallpaper.

Hey,
how many people did you slap on that show?

I don't care.

She can't remember.
There were so many slaps.

Enough about me.
Let's talk about you signing this contract.

Well, somebody is
in a little hurry, isn't she?

No, no.
We're not in a hurry. No.

- Aren't we? Really?
- No. We're not. No.

There it is again! Bam!

- Okay, I'll tell you what, Vivien.
- Moira.

- I will go ahead and sign off on the sale...
- Moira.

Good.

For a slap.

Excuse me?

I've always wanted to be
slapped by Vivien Blake.

It's true.
We've role-played it like a thousand times.

- Mmm-hmm.
- But it is not the real thing.

- You'd like me to slap you?
- Yeah.

I don't think that I...

Well, don't think.
Just do it. Slap me.

- I won't.
- Slap him, Moira.

Go ahead and slap him.

- Slap him. Slap my husband, Moira.
- Just slap me.

John, I won't!

- Slap him or I'll slap him.
- Slap him, Moira!

- Slap me!
- I won't.

- Slap me like a bitch!
- Sign the fucking contract!

Okay.

Um, this has
been a lot of fun,

but I'm starting to smell a
little too much like campfire

and denim and plaid
and stuff, so... Bye.

Your choices are
beer or beer.

I assume a pint glass
is out of the question?

You came! How was dinner?

Ah, worse than this.

Although, at this point,
it's sort of a moving target.

Here, hold this.

So there are no guys
for me here.

But it was kind of nice to just,
like, flex the old muscle.

Put your thumb over the tube.

I kind of wanna
just go for it but...

- Sometimes it doesn't work out, I guess.
- Yeah.

- Okay, now put the tube in your mouth.
- What?

- Yeah. And just open your throat.
- Oh.

And go down,
'cause you're tall.

David, how long are you
gonna be doing this?

Yeah. Okay, just come get me
after you vomit, okay?

Just open your throat!

You!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Are you ready? Can we move?

Yeah.

And that's the
last one there! Done!

All-righty.

There you go,
Johnny, congratulations.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Just remember one thing, okay?

This is my town and you're
gonna play by my rules.

Comprende?

I'm just messing with you, man!
Come on!

Well...

Or am I?

No. I am.

- Moira! Shall we?
- Yeah.

Jocelyn, thank you
for an unforgettable evening,

I will be dining out
on this for years.

I'll send you the recipes.

Yes, Jocelyn,
words can't express.

Seriously, Johnny,
good luck selling the town.

You're sure gonna need it.

- Why's that?
- Well, it took a while to sell the first time.

I mean, it was on the market
for, like, what, 20 years

before you bought it.

Twenty years?

Yeah. I mean, most people just
thought it was a waste of money,

that it would never sell,
you know?

Who in their right mind
would buy it?

Then along come you.

John, did you know

this town was on the market for
20 years before we bought it?

How would I know that?

Why would I know that?
I didn't know that.

But look, let's look at
the bright side.

There is no bright side.
This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny.

And we'll be here
another 20 years,

tucked in a crater,
lost to all.

Well, you know what?
I think that's being a little dramatic.

Yes! It's dramatic!

Sweetheart! We got
the thing signed, okay?

And if we have to fix this
town up before we sell it,

then we fix it up.

We fix it up, bit by bit.

And it's gonna take hard work.

But we can do it
because we're Roses.

And there's nothing we can't
do if we put our minds...

Hi, hi, hi. You guys are being
super loud right now.

I can hear you
through the headphones.

So if you can just
wrap it up in here...

- Ten to a five. Thanks.
- Night, night.

I feel good about this.
I really do.