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♪♪

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[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

Bettina:
So, you're a writer?

[Louder]
So, you're a writer?

Yeah.
Oh.

Right on.
Right on.

Well, writer...director,
actor sometimes.

Oh, hello -- triple threat.
[Chuckling]

I didn't know
there was a...

a Liza Minnelli
in my car.

Welcome, welcome.
[Chuckles]

Have you done
anything I've seen?

No.
I work at an ad agency.

Well, I am sure
you are tired.

Just got off a plane from,
I guess, Europe or whatever?

Los Angeles.
Oh, right.

Right, right, right.

For suresies,
for surrresies.

For suresy shore.

Well, if you need a nap
or anything,

you just go on and get it.
[Chuckles]

[Smacks lips]

Thanks.

You know, I do some
writing, myself.

Wow. Do you?

I do, I do.
Thanks for asking.

I, uh, love writing.[Cellphone vibrating]

The process, you know.
The process of writing a movie

or any --
anything, really.

The best thing I ever wrote,
hands down,

it was something that I think
that James Cam-ron

would've really been into.Wow.

Do you know him
from the "Titanic" movies?

And I, of course,
can't tell you about it.

[Chuckles]

Well, you know, the writer's
code and all that.

Can't break that.

It's a story of Korah.

Korah from the Bible,
who, you know,

amasses this massive army
to go up against, uh,

Moses and then God intervened
and all hell breaks loose,

and it's special effects
bonanza...[chuckles] you know,

which is why I think
if it got on his desk,

it would be something that,
you know,

James Cam-ron
would really jump at.

[Hawk cries]

[Wind whistling]

[Owl hooting]

Bettina:
So, Moses was, like, totally,
totally boxed in, you know?

Uh, and then that's --
that's -- It's kind of
where it, like, departs

from the original story.

'Cause then there's, like,
a droid army.

I haven't quite figured
this out yet,

but a droid army comes in
and at some point --

Oh, boy. There it goes.
Down she goes.I got it.

I got it. I got it.
No, I got it.No, I got it.
Well, I'll help you.

Oh, there -- Tha-- hey.
You know what, you got it.There it goes.

[Clears throat]
Whoa, I'll stand back.

[Chuckling]

Wow.

Oh, this place
looks, uh...haunted.

I don't have a tip.
I'm...sorry.

I --
Oh, psh, please, God.

The conversation was a tip
in and of itself, sir.

Bye.
Alright.

I'll make sure you get in.

[Exhales sharply]

Bye.
Okay.

Hey, do you go by Fred
or Mr. Banks?[Door opens]

[Door closes]

[Louder]
You go by Fred or Mr. Banks?

[Sighs heavily]

[Clock ticking]

[Clock ticking with cursor]

[Humming]

[Ticking continues]

[Bird tweeting]

So...

What sound do you make?

[Inhales sharply]

[Swallows]

[Ominous music plays]

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

[Exhales sharply]

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

[Scoffs]

[Ticking continues]

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

[Ticking continues]

[Exhales sharply]

[Inhaling deeply]

[Keys clacking]

[Ticking continues]

[Lips smacking]

[Wind whistling]

[Whistling continues]

[Thudding]

[Thudding continues]

[Hits]

[Quiet and raspy]
Leeeet me oooooouuuuuut.

[Wind continues]

[Louder]
Leeeeeeet me

ooooooooouuuuuuuuut.

[Door slams]

[Chair scratches]

Nope.

[Ominous music plays]

[Rachael Yamagata's
"Saturday Morning" plays]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's Saturday morning ♪

♪ And we got all day ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Baby, I've been missing you ♪

♪ In the...
[hushed] strongest place ♪

Hi.

♪ All other days of the week ♪

Hi.♪ Have come down to this ♪

♪ Just kiss me, we'll be okay ♪Knee?

Knee.♪ There's no one around here ♪

♪ That I would miss ♪[Exhales sharply]

♪ Mad, if you were away ♪Um.

I, uh...

I mean, if you want anything
for that,

I, uh, have a, uh --
live in that cabin

just down, uh --
down that driveway.

Oh. Funny.
I'm actually in

one of the cabins
down there, too.

Oh.

[Exhales heavily]
I'm Fred.

I didn't ask your name.

Ha.

Anyway, I'm gonna walk or limp
down that way.

Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna...

[Crows cawing]

So, what are you
running from?

Running?

I'm not running.

I'm writing.Oh, really?! Me, too!

I, uh --
I drove up from the city.

♪EscapedBrooklyn.

So you're a writer, or...

Yeah, a novelist.

Uh, horror mainly.[Crow caws]

Huh.

Horror.

So do I.

"So do I."
So do you.

So do you, too.

So do you novel, too?
I...

A-Anything I've read?Uh, I mean...

Uh, I've got
a few things in, uh --

had a few things
in development.Oh, so yours is a no.

What about you?
Have you, uh --

you written anything
I've read or...I, um...[clicks teeth]

I just wrote a book called,
um...[clicks cheek] "Venus."

It's about a little boy
and his mom who, uh,

What, the -- the --
the zombie outbreak book?

You wrote "Venus?!"

I heard you on "Fresh Air."Oh, yeah.

You're a best-selling author![Chuckles]

Wow!
Oh, I'm so sorry.

This road is actually only
for best-selling authors,

so they might kick ya out.
[Chuckles]

Well, I am an actor, too.

You know, I, uh...act.

Well, I w-was, but...

Uh, my knee hurts.
I'm here.Oh, yeah, and I'm...

Well, uh -- Hey, uh,
it was nice, uh --

nice meeting you, uh,
Fanny...

It's Fanny Addie?

Yeah, right.
Ah.

Fred.
Banks.

Fred Banks.

So -- Hey...

happy writing.

Yeah.
Keep the dream alive.

Okay.

[Clears throat]

[Crow caws]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Keys clacking]

[Clock ticking]

[Ticking continues]

[Computer blips]

[Cable latches]

[Sighs deeply][Computer blips]

You're not so great.

[Electricity thuds]

[Bird calls]

Nope.

[Thunder rumbles]

[As Jack Nicholson] You
got a flashlight around
here, Mr. Torranccce?

[Laughs]

We've got one here.

Nope.

Huh.

[Door squeaks, closes]

[Normal voice] You got a biiig
imagination, Freddy.

[Computer clicks, powers down]

Huh.

Okay.

[Computer thuds]

[Sighs]

[Knocks on window]Ah! [Falls] Ah!Tour power out?!

[Thunder crashes]

[Door creaks]Just when I was really
getting into my groove.

Sorry?
[Sighs]

Oh, you know?
The power outage.

I was writing and I
was reallyfeeling myself.

You know when you're in Zumba
and you're, like, dancing?

Like, you know,
you're just sort of doing it

with a 90-year-old in the back?
Like, a little bounce,

cause you can't quite
follow the choreography,

and then all of a sudden
that hip-hop song comes in

and you're like,
"Yeah, bitch, I got this.

I may be a white girl, but I can
shake it like a motherfucker."

Wow.
this place is small.

Oh,
your million dollar ideas?

Actually, yes.
Oh.

What are you working on?I'm not telling you.

Oh.
I'm sorry. Ha!
That was kind of aggressive,

wasn't it? I just --
I don't really talk
about my projects.

Some people steal, especially,
you know,

desperate white dudes
like you.

Excuse me.

Why didn't you make
a fire?

Oh, uh.
I intended to.

So, what are you
working on?

[Thunder rumbles]

A few different things.

Writing things?
You said you were a writer.

Yeah, I'm, um,

working on this
religious epic right now.

It's about Korah.
-Oh!

The rebel
who betrayed Moses.

Dope.
Or Korah from the Koran?

I'm still...
still working that out,

but, uh...I've also got one
about werewolves.

-Ugh.

-What?
-Werewolves.

Yeah.
Scary, right?

No.
Trodden.

-How is it trodden?
-Let me do it.

Oh.

[Wood thuds]You need kindling.

Yeah. I know.

Werewolves are tough.

You've got "An American Werewolf
in London,"

and then you've got
everything else, which is what?

Uh, "Silver Bullet?"

I think
"Silver Bullet's" good.

"Silver Bullet" is childish,
campy garbage.

[Match thuds][Fire whooshes]

-Ouch.
-Whoo!

Nice job, me.

So, what's
the werewolf tale?

Well, it's kind of
a revenge story.

A werewolf kills
a guy's parents.

A werewolf kills
a guy's parents?

Well, he's a...

He's a little boy
at the time.

At the time a werewolf
kills his parents?

Tears 'em in pieces,
yeah.

And he's like, "[Falsetto]
I'm gonna get revenge."

Um... [Clears throat]
So, it sort of becomes like a --

like an action saga.

I mean, that's a cool
little-boy voice,

but, uhhh,
what's the story?

What do you mean,
"What's the story?"

That's the story.
I just told you.

No, that's an idea.
What actually happens?

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

Just because you're
the best-selling author

of one horror book

doesn't mean you get
to school me on story.

Oh, Fred.

[Fire poker dragging]

Actually...

[Thunder crashes]Yes.

Yes, it does.[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

You scared?

[Exhales sharply]

I don't love thunder.

What?
Nothing scares you?

Oh, no.
I love being scared.

♪♪

[Screams]

I have an idea...

Okay.

Cheers.
Cheers.

What's your idea?
Scare me.

Wait, like --
You scare me.
I'll scare you.

What?
Power outage.

I'm bored.

You're a scaredy cat.
Unfair.

[Whispering] Let's tell
each other scary stories.

[Exhaling sharply]
I don't know any scary stories.

Oh, you don't know
any scary stories?

You get to make 'em up
'cause you are a writer.

Youare the professional.
[Chuckles]

I...
work in advertising.

Oh, my God, dude.
Shut the fuck up.

Use your imagination.

Come on, Fred.
Story time.

No judgies.

Okay.[Match scratches]

♪♪

You first.

What do you mean,
"You first?"

This was --
It your idea.

Tell your werewolf story.

[As Cryptkeeper]
Chop chop, kiddies.
Ha-ha.

That was a Cryptkeeper
impression.

The...
That's like my favorite --

That's my favorite show.Oh, my God.
I love that show, too.

I love all his puns.

[As Cryptkeeper] Tonight's tale
is a story of an ax murderer

who loves to have fun.

[Laughs as Cryptkeeper]

[As Cryptkeeper]
Good evening, boys and ghouls.

May I...ax you a question?
[Laughs]

[Both laughing as Cryptkeeper]

Werewolf.
Go.

Okay, uh, so...

werewolf, hmm.

It is about...
[Burps]

There's, uh, this kid,
a little boy, and he --

His parents
are slaughtered

by a werewolf.Jesus Christ, dude.

It's a good story,
right?

No. Awful.

Huh.

I thought you said
no judgies.

Dude!
We are literally fireside.

Get the fuck up
and conjure me some scaries.

You're an actor.Not like professionally.

Get up,
use the space, and scare me!

Who are you,
Uta Hagen?

Who-gen?

[Sighs heavily]
Okay.

Fine. [Clears throat]Oh, hey!

He is warming up, guys!
You know this is gonna be good!

Okay, just lower your voice.

What?

You afraid you're going to awake
the women in the attic.

[Frail groaning]

[Footsteps, wood creaking]

[Creaking continues]

Let me out!
Jesus!

Come on!

Get up and scare me,
motherfucker!

We're burning moonlight!Okay!
Alright, fine.

Shit.

[Exhales sharply]
Okay.

So, uh...
There's this little boy,

Sam, okay,
and it's his birthday,

and his parents and
all his family, they're
all gathered around.

They're clapping and
they're smiling and
they're just like,

"Aw, what a great
little boy.

Oh, what an incredible life
we're going to give you."

It's a little on the nose.
"What an incredible life

we're gonna give you?"Hey. This is my story.

I'm still working it out,
okay?

Keep going.

Okay, so, that night,

Sam is tossing
and he's turning in bed.

[Burps] Sorry.
And It doesn't help

that there's, like, a storm --
like a reallybad storm.

And he looks outside
his bedroom window,

and he sees
this creepy...crawly...

tree.

Kind of like the one
in Poltergeist.

[Wood creaking]You know, it's like

branches all gnarled,

and it's banging
against the house in the wind,

just like...
[imitates creaking and slam].[Slams]

[Creaking, slams][Creaking and slam continue]

[Creaking continues]
Anyway.

So, Sam, he hears
this noise downstairs,

and it's kind of like...
[chuffs].

Like a -- Like a...
[Snarls]

You know, like
a weird animal sound.

And just down the hallway,
his mom and his dad,

they hear it, too.
And the mom wakes the dad.

Like, "[As mom] Sweetheart,
did -- did you hear that?

[Indistinct], I think there's
someone in the house."

"[As dad] Hey, don't --
don't wake me up." I
don't know if the dad's,

like, Jewish or --
And the dad's like...

"[Indistinct]
I guess I'll go check it out.

So...[clears throat] dad,

he goes downstairs
with a flashlight.

Details! Details!
Details!

Sam's dad,
whose name is...Bill

and he has a mustache
and a comb-over,

and he heads downstairs
with a flashlight,

with a flash--
with a red flashlight,

like one you used
to have as a kid.

That's a detail!Yeah.

So...[clears throat] he heads
downstairs, and he's --

he's trembling. You know,
he's like scared. He's
the man of the house,

but his, like, heart
is like beating fast.
He's got a bad heart,

and he's just, like, really
spooked, and he's trembling.

Show me.
Show me the shaking.

He's like...[shuddering].
"[As dad] Okay.

Doesn't seem to be
anything here."

-Hey.
-Sorry.

He's looking for the source
of the noise, you know?

And then, "Ah!

It's just a raccoon.
[Imitates raccoon]

You know how when raccoons
stand up

and they're all cute on their
hind legs, and he's like...

[imitates raccoon].
And he has a little chuckle

He's like, "[Chuckles]

Well, that's definitely
not evil."

But then he hears something.

He turns around.

[Breathing shakily]

[Screams]

[Whispering] Gasp.
What is it, Fred?

It's a werewolf, Fanny!

It's a big fucking,
gasping, gaping

3-feet-wide, 10-feet-tall,

inhuman fucking werewolf!

And it just, like,
smashes through the window

like it's nothing!Like it's nothing.
I love that.

He shines the flashlight
in the werewolf's face.

[Imitates roaring][Sound deepens]

[Howls with normal voice]And takes his fucking fangs,

and he's like...[Growls, splatters]

[Screams as dad]
"Please have mercy."

And the werewolf's like,
"Fuck that. I'm a werewolf."

And he doesn't have mercy,
and he was like...

[Real growl, splatters]

[Gurgling]

And blood's just...[fainting].
[Thuds]

So he's dead.
But then,

little does the werewolf know,
mom is standing

at the top of the stairs.
She saw the whole thing.

[Gasps as mom]
[Mumbling indistinctly]

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Honey. Ohh.

Sam!
Get in the closet quick!

There's a werewolf in the house!
And then she goes to Sam.

She's like...
[whispering indistinctly].

Everything's gonna be fine,
okay?

-Okay.
-Okay. You get it.

So anyway, obviously the
werewolf hears all of this,

because you know, ah,
'cause -- 'cause he's...

half dog or whatever.
So he starts lurking up
the -- up the stairs.

He's lumbering
up the stairs?Lumbering up the stairs.

Yeah, he starts lumbering up
the stairs, like...

Like...[snarling]

Show me that lumber!

[Heavily footfalls]

Ooh,
breathe like a werewolf.

Breathe.

[Heavier footfalls]

[Snarling]

[Growling]

♪♪

[Quietly] Holy fuck.
That's fucking scary, dude.

See?

I can be scary.

[Garbled] Apparently.
[Chuckles]

Anyway.

So, the werewolf lurks

and lumbers and snarls
his way up the stairs.

Just like...[snuffing].
Just like sniffing the area.

You know, searching for his next
victim. [Snuffs]

And then mom distracts him
from somewhere in the house.

She's like, "I'm in here,
you hairy son of a bitch!"

I guess she's also
kinda Long Island,

Jewish sorta thing, too.
And he's like, ah.

And she grabs a revolver
from the shoe box in the closet.

How'd you know?
How'd you know I'd do -- what?

I mean, it's just sort of
the obvious next step.

Why does it have
to be obvious?

I -- Look,
I'm not nagging you or anything.

It's just been done,
like, I don't know,

600 or 700 times.

Okay. Thanks for your permish.
Anyway.

She takes a revolver
out of the closet,

loads it as fast as she can.

"[Gasping as mom] Oh, God."

[Bullets clicking]

[Werewolf snarling]

She's like...[indistinct]
And the werewolf's like...

[Snarling continues]

Shoot. [Whines]

Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit.

[Revolver chamber spins]And she loads a bullet
into the chamber,

and she cocks the hammer.Quick question.[Gun cocks]

A-Are they silver bullets?
It really feels like

mom knows
what she's doing here.

You know, was she a cop
or something?

Yeah.
Y-Yeah, good point.

Meanwhile, her little boy,
he's hiding in the closet

just, like, trying not
to make a peep, like.

Laurie Strode
in "Halloween."

Exactly. Exactly.

Okay.

[Breathing heavily, whimpering]

[Whispering]
As the werewolf is, like,

walking past the closet door.
Like...ka-thump.

[Gasps] Ka-thump.

[Muffled] Ka-thump.
[Mumbling indistinctly]

[Werewolf growling, stomps]Ka-thump, ka-thump.

[Growling continues]Ka-thump, ka-thump.

That's when mom gets
in the firing position.

"Smile, you son of a bitch!"

Very "Jaws."Favorite movie.

[Werewolf roars][Gunshots]

Then there's just, like, smoke,
you know?

Did she kill him?

No!
The werewolf's like...

[Werewolf roaring][Claws shink]

[Squelches][Screaming as mom]

[Gurgling]

And her neck is just,
like, bleeding

all over the fucking floor,
and she's like...

"I love you so much."
[Gagging]

And she lets out
this bloody gar-gargle.

Gurgle.
She lets out a blood gurgle.

And she's like...
[Bloody gurgle]

"[Strained] Remember
when things were better."

[Gurgling] Bah.

So, she's dead.

Now it's just Sam hiding

in the safety of the closet.
[Gasps]

Just watching that werewolf.

It's getting closer and closer.

[Whimpers][Werewolf stomping]

[Imitates growling][Werewolf growling, stomping]

[Quietly] See, he's getting
closer to the the closet door.

[Louder] And Sam's like,
"Oh, my fucking God, oh, my God!

I'm gonna die."
And the werewolf's like...

[Imitates growling][Werewolf growling]

And then...boo![Siren wailing]

It's the fucking cops![Brakes screech]

[Imitates brakes screeching][Garbled through radio]
[Indistinct] fucking murder.

It's by a werewolf.
Fire away.

And the cops are descending
on the house,

and they're just like --
And the werewolf hears this.

He's like, ah!
Which is werewolf for,

"Fuck! I'm outta here!"

[Glass shattering]

[Werewolf growling]

[Imitates growling]

[Coffee table scrapes]
Ah!

[Groaning]

Did the werewolf hit his knee
or was that just you?

[Quietly] That's very funny.
That's really funny.

Okay, real question --
How'd the cops come?

[Exhales sharply]

They knew...

because mom...

she dialed 911

and left the receiver
off the hook.

[Receiver thuds]

So, uh, cops come,
little boy gets rescued,

werewolf gets away
and then what?[Refrigerator door opens]

[TV dinner jostles]

It's a really good question.

That's a really g-good question.
Um.

Well, I think...
[Exhales sharply] Ah.

...Sam grows up, and he becomes
kind of like a --

maybe like a bounty hunter

hell-bent on getting revenge
on his parents' killer.

Yeah, I mean, I guess
my first question is...

Did Sam's family know
this werewolf?

You know, like,
pre -- pre-becoming a werewolf?

Was it the
neighborhood pervert

who was bitten by
some lycan

and then just came
after the family

'cause, like,
he secretly likes little boys,

like Stanley Tucci?
[Sniffs]

I mean, not that Stanley Tucci
likes little boys,

but you know, it's kind of
like "Lovely Bones,"

and he played that character,
and he was so good.

Yeah, no, I don't know.
I mean, that's good,

but I -- I don't know.
I-I'll figure that out.

But...
-Okay. So, uh...

Does Sam get
his revenge?

Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.

[Sighs heavily] Maybe Sam tracks
him down like at a diner.

Maybe he's like
a creepy mechanic.

With his mom's revolver,

the gun he's been carrying
around for years,

and it's loaded
with silver bullets.

And he walks up to him.
He knows who he is.

He knows his, like, alter ego,
you know?

And he's like, "Excuse me...

Are you Ben...Franklin?"

Sorry, I'm not good
with coming up with names.

No, I think it's great that
the werewolf shares his name

with a politician
who also discovered electricity.

Yeah, I agree.

"Are you Ben Franklin?"

"[Deep voice] What the fuck
is it to you, buddy?"

And he just, like --
all the rage, all he hears.

He's just, like, seeing
the...[imitates roar],
like, all those years.

And he's looking at
his eyes, and he looks
at him, and he knows.

And then...everything goes
in slow-motion.

[Imitates heartbeat][Heart beating]

[Thunder rumbles]

Splat.

End movie!
Cue Huey Lewis!

Credits.

[Howling]

What if Sam's a girl?

Uh...

Well, she's not.

Because I'm writing
from personal experience.

Oh,
the personal experience

of a werewolf killing
your entire family?

You must hate dogs.[Scoffs] Fanny...

Too many white guys
in action flicks.

Come on, John Wick.

Pass the Bechdel test.

Okay, Sam's a girl.

Sam's a girl now.
Sam's Samantha.

Okay. You happy?

Sam is a girl,
because I'm a...

white dude
who's inclusive of all --Inclusive of all genders,

conforming
and nonconforming, yeah.

And hand out a compliment,
for Christ's sake, you know.

I just made a fool of
myself acting my little
heart out for you.

Your turn, Strasbourg.

I'm good.

What the hell do you mean,
you're good?

It was your idea
to stay up all night

and do this, like...[Poker drags]

...scary story
theater shit.

Come on, act out
that "top secret project"

you've been talking about.

I couldn't possibly do that.

What, did you sign, like,
an NDA or something?

Actually, yes.
Huh.

All my stuff that's in
development is top secret, so...

Well, aren't you, uh...
cool.

Well, you got to tell me
some story.

I mean, come on.

Tell me more about
the...[as Cryptkeeper]
woman in the attic.

Actually, I've got a story
for you.

It's called...

"Grandpa."

I'm hooked.
And it's about

a little girl
and her creepy-crawly grandpa.

Real quick, if this is
a kid-touchy story,

not interested.Well, that's what makes it
so scary.

This little girl,
let's call her Cassie.

Every day, Cassie is left alone
with her grandpa

and she just knows
he's gonna do something.

It's not just the fact
that he's Romanian

or Russian
or something vaguely Slovak

and sounds like
a fucked-up vampire.

It's the way his lazy eyes

track her around the room

as she's cleaning up

or playing with her dolls.

How he sits slumped

at the dining room table

that they haven't had a meal
at since poor grandma died,

his coffee table littered
with old newspapers

and nature magazines

conveniently dog-eared to the
pages of indigenous women

bearing their breasts,

pack after pack
of Kent Kings smoked.

"[Eastern European accent]
Come here.

Come to your grandpa.

How is school?"

Okay. I'm good.

Dude, shut the fuck up.
I'm not going there, okay?

[Scoffs]

Anyway.
Fucked-up thing.

Cassie tries to hide.

Grandpa tries to find her.

Shuffling around
in his pajamas,

wheeling around
that squeaky oxygen tank.

[Imitates squeaking]

Always knew where grandpa was
'cause of that squeaky tank.

Most fucked-up part
is his dog, Rover --

just nipped at Cassie
any time she came around,

and grandpa
would shrug it off.

"[Accent] Oh, he loves you maybe
more than grandpa, I tink."

[Snorting chuckling]

Just kidding.
[Coughing chuckling]

Cassie knew how much grandpa
loved his sloppy soups

and warm apple sauces.

So one say before dinner,
she goes to the medicine cabinet

and decides to poison him.

That's a fucked-up kid.No, it's like kid logic.

You know, she's like,
"[Falsetto] I don't know.

Maybe medicine will
make him better

or maybe it will
make him dead.

But either way,
I shall be happier.

Also I'm 5,
so I don't know better."[Medicine cabinet creaks]

So she takes
the medicine out,

and she breaks
the little pills

like a mini
Paul Sheldon "Misery."

Sprinkles them
over the soup

and serves grandpa.[Bowl clatters]

But just as grandpa is about
to take his first sip...[Spoon scraping]

[Coughing]

...he begins to cough.

And soon...[coughs]

...the cough turns
into a full emphysemic attack.

[Coughing, gagging][Man coughing]

He spasms and knocks
the soup over.[Soup and spoon clattering]

Before he can say, "Down boy,"
Rover runs over...[Dog tags jangling,
paws thudding]

...and eats all of it.

[Slurping, bowl clattering]

[Imitates slurping]

Stop. Sorry.

That just makes me
uncomfortable.

Not long after Rover
lap-lap-laps up

all that soup,
as expected,

he drops dead right there,
right in front of them.

[Dog whimpers, thuds]

As you can imagine,

grandpa is beside himself.

[Screaming] "Nyet! Nyet!

Oh,
[speaking foreign language]!

Oh, my-ah suka.

Suka...

Grandpa's health quickly
declines after that.

Few days later, Cassie kneels
next to grandpa's bed

and shovels
Greek yogurt or applesauce

or some soft shit
into his mouth,

but he's just too sad.

It just gets
all over his face.

Like...[gurgling]

"[Accent] Cassie, come here.

I have secret for you."

Well, Cassie doesn't want
to "cyum heahr."

But she does 'cause she knows
what she did,

and she's like, "[As Cassie]
You know, whatever.

It'll be over soon.
Remember what mom said.

Be nice to grandpa.

He don't got long left."

And he grabs her arm
with his gnarly fingers.

"Oh, grandpa,
you're hurting me."

"[Accent] Shh. Shh.

I know what you did.

I know you tried to kill me

but you killed doggy instead."

"[Crying] No, grandpa, I swear.
I didn't mean to.

I promise it was a mistake.

It was an accident."

"When I..." [Coughing]

He starts choking, you know?

He's got the food
all over his mouth.

It's fucking disgusting.

[Coughing]

"[Accent] When I come back,

I'm going to get you.

[Thunder crashes]

-Wow.
-She's just fucking crying.

[Sobbing as Cassie]

"[Accent] Shh. Yes, cry.

You cry little girl
'cause you try to kill me

but you killed doggy instead.

Is so much worse.

[Thunder rumbles]

[Chuckling, snorting]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Choking]

[Exhales deeply]

[Thunder rumbles]

So Cassie's mom sees her little
girl just totally inconsolable,

just crying,
and she thinks she's sad.

But no,
she's fucking terrified.

Mom shields Cassie's eyes
from the dead body,

pointing her directly
to the wall

where the only piece of art...

is a portrait...

of grandpa's...

beloved dog, Rover.

Cue convenient thunder
and lightning.

[Thunder crashes]

Thank you. So!

Couple years later,
Cassie's in high school.

-Show me those details.
-Don't interrupt me.

So, one day, they leave
her home alone,

and Cassie plops down
on the couch,

pops in a VHS --
something innocuous.[VHS slides]

-"Howard the Duck."
-Don't interrupt me.

Sorry.[Bottle cap thuds, VHS slides]

Cassie's splayed out
on the couch,

watching "Howard the Duck."

Ah, damn it.[Remote clicks]

-I'm Howard the duck.
-When the phone rings...

[Telephone rings][Receiver picks up]

"[Falsetto] Hello?"
Cassie's voice and body

are stunted
from the childhood trauma.

It's a psychological disorder.

"Hello?

[Through receiver] "[Accent] Cassie..."

If this was a movie, I'd dolly
in real slow right about now.

"[Accent] Cassie...

Do you know who this is?

It's grandpa.

I told you when I come back,
I was going to gyet you.

[Chuckles].

[Whispering]
And that's when she hears it.

In the house.

The squeak.

[Wheels rolling across wood]

[Imitates squeaking][Footsteps and squeaking]

[Squeaking continues]

Nice sound effects.

[Squeaking continues][Footsteps and squeaking
continue]

Cassie's like, "What do I do?

Should I get a knife
or somethin'?"

[Knife shinks]

[Whispering] And she walks...
slowly to the staircase.

Whatever it is...

It's close.

And then she sees it.

[Gasps]

[Ominous music plays]

There at the top of the stairs

is grandpa's shitty, shitty
Shih Tzu.

"R-Rover?"[Dog growling]

It traipses down the stairs
with a sickly gait...[Stairs groaning]

...one cockeyed leg
in front of the other...

[raspy] and rowls...

towards...

Cassie...[Dog tags jangling]

...reeeaaal slow.

And...

gets...

directly in her...

face.

[Guttural, real growl]

The door opens by itself.

[Door creaking]

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Dog tags jangling]Out slinks the ghostly dog,

and in walks mom.

They find Cassie,

face white
as a Japanese toilet,

clutching a knife.

"[As mom] Sweetheart..."

"[As Cassie] Don't call me that.

I need a break.
Let's order pizza.

-Um.
-I'll get it.

What do you want?

Anything but Hawaiian.

Oh, how white of you.

What's with you and this,
like, white-guy shit?

Are you one of these, uh,

white-dudes-will-destroy-
the-Earth feminists...people?

What are you,
an insult dude?

Calm the fuck down.
I'm ordering you some za.

Hi, uh, can I get a half-veggie,
half-uh-cheese, probably?

Uh, delivered t--
What's the address?

Uh...

Uh. It's...

Uh, yeah.
88 Bonnie Mountain Lane.

An hour? Alright.
Yeah.

They're a little backed up
'cause of the blackouts.

Uh, yeah, that's fine.
Great. Love pizza!

Bye.[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

Who's Meredith?
She says you're a monster.

Oh, shit.
Give me that.

Who's Meredith?
It's my ex.

Your ex?
What'd you do, monster?

Just give me my phone.Come on --

Just give me
my fucking phone!

You can go back to your bigger,
better fucking cabin!

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Yeah. Thanks.

A little privacy
would be great.

[Speaking indistinctly]

[Speaking continues]

♪♪

-I'm done.
-Jesus! Dicks!

Sorry.
[Exhales heavily]

Sorry.
Didn't mean to.

What do you got there?

CBD.
Maybe I should've given you some

before you freaked
the fuck out.

Yeah, maybe you should've
given me something

before my ex told me she's
filing a protection notice.

Protection notice?

You mean,
restraining order?

It's not the same thing.

Um.

May I?

[Sighs heavily]

It's good.

I took her for granted.

Um...

And, uh...
she wanted to end it.

Big surprise.

She decided to kick me out.

Big surprise.

I find out there may have
been another guy.

Bigsurprise.

And, um...

I wrote her
a bunch of letters,

called her
200 or 300 times,

and I threatened
to kill her.

We threatened to kill
each other, honestly.
[Clears throat]

You know when you're in
a relationship with someone...

I don't know if you're --
you're in a...

...and you're like,
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

Not making me feel
any better, buddy.

Sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.

Anyway, I got a shrink,

my shit's together,
I hate my life.

Why do you hate
your life?

[Laughs]

Why do I hate my life?

Well, um...

Look at you.

You're what?

A classy lady.

No, how old are you?

You don't ask a classy lady
her age.

I'm 38.
[Exhales heavily]

And you are living
your dream,

and your dream
isn't exactly rocket science.

Gee. Thanks, dude.

I'm sorry.
I didn't -- I --Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you
dosomething?

Oh, yeah. Sure.
I'll -- I'll get right to it.

Well,
here's an opportunity.

[Quietly] It's your turn.

♪♪

Hit me, Scaremaster.

Why don't you do "Venus?"

Why?
'Cause it's a classic.

Those of us who...
don't know what it is.

For those of us
who don't know?

This isn't a movie, dude.
We don't need to establish shit.

Establish with me.
I haven't read it.

I thought you were a fan.Maybe.

So, you haven't
read my book,

but you know
I'm the author?

[Exhales sharply] Only because
you told me who you are.

I -- I don't read a lot.

Reading and writing
makes a good writer.

It's a Stephen King quote.
Not verbatim.

Well, I'm pretty sure
I can just write

and watch movies
and be good at it.

I'm pretty sure that's
the quickest way

to become
a regurgitative hack.

[Pages ruffle]

[Pen scratches]

What are you writing?

Ideas.
Good writers write down ideas.

All your golden ideas.

Possibly.

"Venus." Go.

-No.
-Come on.

Humor me.
It's your turn.

It's gonna take me
a minute to think of one.

Wow, really blew your load

with the whole boy
who cried werewolf, huh?

Okay.

[Exhales sharply]
Alright. Um...

I used to do this thing
when I was a kid.

I'd scare my brother by getting
real low like this and going.

[As Gollum] I'm a troll.

[Snarls]
That's actually
really good.

I'm a creepy
little troll man.

Oh, no. That's good.
That's scary, Fred.

Do I freak you out?
Yeah.

You sound a lot like Gollum

from "Lord of the Rings,"
troll.

What's your story, huh?

Do you live under a bridge?

[Normal voice] I do.

I do live under a bridge.

More interesting if you lived
somewhere weird, like, uh --

like the air ducts
of an office building --

An Edible Arrangements
company.

[Indistinct office chatter][Telephone rings]

[Silly voice] Baskets
You Can Eat! There's
a troll in the wall.

[Chuckling] That's
really good. There's
a new guy at work --

or girl, hmm, sorry.
Uh, her name's, uh, Karen.

It seems like a good name for,
like, an unsuspecting new hire.

Sure.Anyway, Karen interviews
with the old boss

who's like, "Sure, at
Baskets You Can Eat,
the name sounds cute,

and, sure, we seem like a bunch
of sweet, simple folks

living in a small coastal

Maine town
where nothing bad happens,

except we've got
one small secret.

There is a troll
living in our ceiling."

Do not be afraid
of the troll!

If you don't fuck
with the troll,

the troll
don't fuck with you.

[Normal voice] Oh, they wouldn't
really swear, would they?

It'd be more like, "[Breathily]
Oh, mind your baskets.

Mind your baskets,
and the troll will mind his."

I like that.
I like "mind your baskets."

as a sort of a catchphrase.

Just a bunch of people's
lunches start going missing.

[Refrigerator jostles]"Hey!

There was a PB and J in here
that my wife made me!

Who stole it?

Was it that troll?"

Everyone in the office
turns to him at the same time.

Do it with me.

[Both sigh]

Shh.

Wow, that was --
that was really freaky.
Yeah.

[Typewriter dings, clacks]Later that night,
Karen's crunching the numbers

on the arrangements
that are edible, of course.[Typewriter dings]

And suddenly,
she hears a voice.

[Gollum muttering]Hello?

He's in the vents!

[Vents thudding]

Oh, uh, like in "Labyrinth"

when all the trolls
skid around her room.

Yeah, it's like you can't
really see 'em, and it's like,

rumble, rumble, rumble.
And then, he's behind there!

[Muttering like Gollum]

[Growling]

[Growling continues]

♪♪

Hello, Karen.

How do you know my name?

Mm...because...
[singsong voice] I'm a troll.

Hey.
Happy Birthday.

Why, thank you.

What's your name?

Dev...

Devin?

Devin the troll?

That's an awfully modern name,
Devin...the troll.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And I've come to grant you
a birthday wish.

Anythingyou want.

Anything at all.

Oh.

I would love to say goodbye
to my dad.

I didn't get to say goodbye
to my dad.

[Laughs as Devin]

Why are you laughing at me?

[Laughing]
Are you fucking kidding me?

I can't grant you a wish.Why not?

Because I'm just
a troll.

[Normal voice]
Yeah, okay, but...

[as Karen]
why are you here, troll?

I don't --

I don't know, story-wise.

[Sighs] Fred, you're really
overthinking this.

What is it?
Is it a curse?
Yeah, uh...

Or maybe he's like a good troll.
Right?

He was attracted to this place
because of its good vibes.

The original owner had all
these great intentions

of, uh, making these
arrangements...

That are edible.Yes, that are edible.

...to make people happy.

And, you know,
then he passed away,

and now the new owner
is this misogynistic pig.

So, uh, troll got stuck here.
I don't know.

Yeah, or it's like...

[as Devin]
I'm just an evil troll,

and I've been slumbering
in the air vents,

and I have a taste
for human flesh.

[As Karen] Ah, my leg.

[Hushed] Sorry.

Say, Karen.

Do you like
making people happy?

Why, yes. I do.

I love
making people happy.

[Raspy breathing]

Kill your boss.

He's been real bad
around here.

Mean and creepy,

and I want you
to stick him.

Stick him like the little
creepy pig he is,

and then, things will
turn around around here.

[Chuckles]
If you don't,

I'll kill you
and everyone you know.

[Laughs]

Oh, okay.

Okay. Um.
[Clears throat]

[As Devin] Tomorrow night,
he'll be working late.

Do it then.

I'll be right there
watching.

Hold up, Devin.
Ah.

Killing my boss
is a big F'ing deal.

What do I get in return?

[Normal voice] Uh.

I don't...know,
story-wiiise.

Okay, maybe she kills
her boss

and then she has to kiss
the troll

and she gets like, uh,

300 years of life.
[Sniffs]

Oh, yeah.
That's good.

Yeah. Y--
[Clears throat]

[As Devin] Kill your boss
and then kiss me,

and you'll live
for 300 years.

[As Karen] Oh, you're too ugly
to kiss.

You literally just told me
to say that.

Well, you make a very good
point, Devin the troll.

-[Sighs]
-Okay. Kill my boss,

live to see my
granddaughter's granddaughters,

and kiss a troll.

Wow, a lot of rules,
but yeah, okay.

I'm in. Deal.[Thunder crashes]

So, Karen goes about
her business,

you know, selling baskets
that are edible or whatever,

and the day comes where
she's working late

and she has to kill

her seemingly harmless boss.

And her heart is pounding.

And she ducks
into his office.

[As Karen]
But he's not there.

[As boss] Oh, hey.

You lookin' for somethin'?

[As Karen] Oh. I, um...

I was just -- I was looking
for someone.

I was actually looking
for you.

[As boss] Oh, were ya?

[Normal voice]
And just like that,

all her doubts go flying
out the window

'cause sure her enough,

her creepy-fucking boss
moves on her

like the pervert he is.

[Inhales deeply]

Oh.

His hand moves all around
her body, up her neck,

in her mouth [spits]...
in her...[spits]

lips, cheek.

[As Karen] Oh.

[Normal voice] He rubs his
little, tiny disgusting erection

against his K-Mart khakis.

His breath sounds smells like
a PB and J sour melt sammie.

Ew.
Yeah, no shit, ew.

We're trying to empathize
with her, you know.

Make -- Make us really want
to kill this motherfucker.

[Sighs heavily] So Karen
is pressed against the wall,

surrounded by
edible arrangements.

You know, which is ironic,
because they're just supposed

to make people feel better.

[As Karen] [Breathing heavily]
How am I gonna kill this guy?

[Normal voice]
And then she sees them.

Scissors.

[Scissors snipping]

Fred: He's got her by
the shoulders now,

and he's complimenting her
on how great she smells,

which is ironic,
because he smells like a --

Dirty diaper.
Yeah.

Like a dirty diaper
filled with sour cream.

Oh, God.
Well, point is
he's disgusting,

and Karen's got the scissors
by her side now.

They're hidden.
And she's like...

[As Karen] Oh, gosh.
I've never killed someone.

"Does living for 300 years
really mean that much to me?"

[Normal voice] But
then she feels those
two beady yellow eyes

staring at her
from the air ducts.

♪♪

Is that the dishwasher?

I thought the power
was out.

-Stay in it.
-Yeah.

[As Devin] Come on.
Don't be a coward.

Wow, you must
really want that kiss, huh?

Anyway, her boss says
something condescending
to her. Something like,

"[Midwestern accent]
Oh, you're such a good girl."

Yeah, or like,
"You got a lot to learn,

and I'm
a really good teacher."

No, you know,
something more, uh, subtle.

That's too on the nose,
subtle and creepy.

Something like,
"Oh, you bore me."

But, you know,
he's fully erect.

And the troll's pissed now.
He's like,

"[Growling] Do it!
Do it or I'll do it
my-fucking-self!

Karen stabs!

[Screams]

[Gasps] Uh-oh.

[Laughs]

Oh, yeah.
It's like, um,

his mousy secretary
has come back into the room.

She's forgotten something.Yeah.

[Gasps as Barbara] Karen?

Barbara.

It's not what it looks like.

And that's when the troll's
like, "Kill her, quick!

No witnesses!"

-[Snarling]
-[Screaming]

[Snarling]

-[Sobbing]
-[Snarling continues]

[Snarling continues]
-[Screaming]

[Laughing]
I'm gonna eat you alive![Laughing]

Ow! Ow! God.

It's not that it's not painful
to sit like that.

It's just...
[Laughs]

[Panting]
Oh, Lord.

Yeah.

Oh, um...

The deed done,
the troll, um...

Oh, yeah.
Uh, you know, uh.

Yeah, he's like --
He's like...He comes at the woman.

He's like, "Good teamwork.

You killed your boss."Yeah, I mean,
I-I think it'd be a little more

official than that,
yeah, right, like, um...It'd be more, yeah.
It'd be more, like a...

[As Devin]
A-A-A murderess' streak

I'll dredge
of you yet, my lady.

Now, how about that kiss.

[Normal voice] He's kind of
a pirate in my version.

That's okay.
Yeah.

Yeah, and then he --

and the t--
the troll leans in.

Oh, uh, yeah.
So does -- So does the lady.

[As Devin] And to think,
300 years of life...

Ain't so bad.
It's not so bad.

[Muttering] Not so bad

Excuse me.[Fred and Carlo screaming]

[Screams]
[Breathing heavily]

Sorry.
I'm Carlo!

What the fuck is a Carlo?!

Pizza.
I'm a pizza guy.

I'm a pizza -- pizza guy.Oh.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you guys.

Yeah, it's fine.
Uh-huh.

[Chuckles]Yeah, well, you definitely
didn't scare us.

I mean, excuse me, I definitely
did because you definitely

screamed really loudly, but...

Half-cheese and half-veggie,
right?Oh, right.

Oh, yeah, um, yeah.Thank you so much.

Fred's paying, right?Oh, the -- Yeah, I sure...

Thanks, dude. Wow.

Great tip, man.
Appreciate it.

Alright, well, you guys have
a great evening, okay, uh...

I'm glad to see you guys aren't
killing each other out here

'cause it would be the perfect
night to do it, you know?

It's like, "Wait, what are you
doing out here?"

"Nah, I'm -- I'm just..."
[Squelching]

He didn't even see that coming.
[Squelches]

You know, then just put
him in a conveniently
located car, right?

And then someone else saw me.
"Oh no!"

"Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."

And he's dead, right?

Put him in the trunk.
[Grunts]

Wow, that was really creepy.
Sorry about that, guys.

[Chuckles]
Whoo, anyway.

Good night.Night.

Wait, wait, wait!Ah. [Snaps fingers]

Ahh, plates, right?

For pizza?

You need plates.
Right.

Oh, uh, no.

Y-You seem like a fella
who might be interested

in some scary stories.

And you seem correct.

[Chuckles]

It's almost like you'd think
I'd be tired of pizza, right?

But like, no.
I love our pizza.

It's like the best in town.
You know?

It's like, in the area
probably, to be honest.

Right on, man.
So, um, Fred and I --

my friend over here --
we have been, uh,

riding out the storm by telling
each other scary stories.

Oh, that sounds cool.
So, like, you guys, like, are --

like, Boy Scout leaders
or something like that?

No, um...

I'm a --
Well, we're writers.

I'm not a... [Clears throat]
Well, Fanny's a writer.

Fanny's famous.
Fannie's a famous writer.

I'm not famous.[Chuckles]

Ouch. [Laughs]

Emancipated much? [Chuckles]
Wait, what's it --

[snaps fingers] It's
not emancipated.
It's not that.

Immaculate.

No, it's the opposite
of that.

It's just like that
but bad.

Ooh, emasculated!
[Snapping fingers] That's it.

You are emasculated!

Look at you!
You're a emasculated man!

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding, man.

Come on.
Chin up, man, ah.

Have you heard of "Venus?"

Oh, come on.
Let's not.

Oh, the book?
Of course.

That's her.

Wait.
You wrote "Venus?"

Sure did.
I'm sorry.

You wrote "Venus?"
Mm-hmm.

You.
Youdid that.

The person right here
opened a laptop,

just, I don't know --
just casually wrote

the best horror book
of all time.

That's you?
Oh.

It's not the best horror book
of all time.

I mean, I know Amazon said that
and like a couple blogs

and the New York Times
and The Guardian

and Wall Street Journal.

[Garbled] Oh, and Vulture.

It's a New York
magazine one.

But not everybody.

-That is dope!
-Yeah.

And you're in for a treat,
Carlo,

because it's Fanny's
turn to tell a story,

so congratulations, buckle up,
and you're welcome.

She's really good at it.

Actually, I think, uh,
since Carlo is our guest,

he should be the one
to decide who tells a story

andwhat it's about,

right, sweetie pie?

Wait -- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, dope, dope,
dope, dope, dope.

[Chuckles]

Do one about dead babies.

Right?
Like an a army of them.

Ya know, they've got, like,
little baby hands.

They just like, "We don't
want bottles, we want blood."

You know? [Laughs]
Like, it can be like a musical.

It's like
a terrifying musical.

♪ We're dead babies
with really bad scabies ♪

Terrible.

Baby scabies.

Real bad. Ha.

[Sighs deeply]

Or...[Clears throat]

we could do one about a, uh --

like a...t-teenager

who's in school,
and he gets like a s--

he gets sick.
He gets an illness or something,

and he's like --
his skin's falling off,

so it's kind of like
he becomes like a ghoul.

Ah!
Too Ghoul For School!

That is very clever!Thank you.

No, for real.
That is very clever.

Nice wordplay.
I'm writing it down.
[Gasps]

She's writing it down.You can't write that down.

Why not?Because it's not your idea.

It's not an idea. It's a title.
I'm writing a title.

Yeah, I thought about it,
and I don't even care.

Will you stay out of this,
please?Okay. Ouch.

I mean, ouch for real.

[Silly voice] Okay, boys.
Just settle down.

Now who wants to do
some cocaine?

[Blade tapping]

[Humming]

[Sniffing]

[Exhales sharply]

Sorry, I don't have a lot.

Wow.

A writing retreat
without enough drugs.

How do you do it?
[Chuckles]

I don't see you contributing
anything.

You're drinking my booze,
aren't you?

[Chuckles]

Anyway.

I don't do drugs.

Together:
You've never done coke?!Dude.

Dude!
You've never done coke?

You puss-say!
Pussy!

I'm not a pussy.
I've just never done coke.

Okay?

You wouldn't want to see me
on coke if I did it.

[Breathes sharply]

[Sniffs]

Oh, okay.

Let me do one more.
[Chuckles]

[Sniffs] Oh!

Birthdays!
[Chuckling] Yeah.

Slow down, Lohan.
[Chuckles]

Man, I haven't done that shit
since college.

[Chuckles]Where did you go to college?

Oxford.Hmm. Got ya.

Alright, guys.
Let's do some scares!

Scares!
Fanny, fanny, bo-banny.

I can't wait!Why don't you do "Venus."

Fred, this is an evening
of original work.

Fanny, one of your
biggest fans is present.

He would love --
Carlo, wouldn't you?

Carlo would love to hear you
perform your life's work.

Ow, my nose.Ahhh...

that is not my words,
but, uh, uh, uh,

not wrong, either.

Enlighten us.
Enlighten me.

I mean, I haven't read it,
but I bought dinner, didn't I?

Oh, you buy me dinner,
you expect a story?

Yeah.
Yeah, I do.

"Venus."[Clapping]
By Fanny Addie, whoo!

[Statue thuds]Whoa, oh, ah, sorry, hey.

Kicked this bear.
Does anybody own it?
It's not your house.

"Venus" is the story of a young
mother and her little boy,

and they're going on vacation
in the Catskills.

[Door creaking][Imitates creaking]

[Gasps][Bats fluttering, squeaking]

And that's when we hear
something in the room!

-Ah!
-It's a dare!

And that part scared
the living shit outta me.[Creature growling]

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba!

[Roaring][Exhales sharply]

-[Screams]
-Taxidermy.

There's this big
stuffed moose on the wall.

[Moose bellows]

-[Distorted] Hey, Fred!
-Fred! Stay in it, Fred!

[Distorted] Jason's watching
scary movies![Indistinct speaking]

[Imitating horn blaring][Car horn blaring]

It's the dead bus driver!

[Indistinct speaking]

[Indistinct] gets blood all over
her face, god damn it!

She's infected!

What? [Gun cocks]
.22!

Bang, bang, bang, bang, ka-blam![Gunshots, creatures hissing]

Cuckaw! Bam![Creatures screeching, gunshot]

He blows everybody's brains out!Anyway!

[Distorted] I do this really
amazing job of setting up

this really honest...

Hello, miss.
Can I use your bathroom?

[Echoing] She lets him in.
He's handsome.

But he doesn't use
the bathroom.

Are you one of them?
Huh?
Mom thinks fast.

She grabs a cleaver,
but he's faster.

[Both grunt]

Then something
really weird happened.

[Screaming] Run Jason!

Ruuun!

Then all the sudden,
the mom appears -- changed!

[Hissing]

He tries to get away,
but he can't run.

He's like, wait,
what am I doing, oh...[Hissing]

Hi.
[Screams]

S-So mom just turns
into a zombie vampire?

Well, that -- We don't call them
that explicitly.Never explained.

Never explained.

But that's what
I love about it.
Ohh.

I mean, look, we left out
a lot of details,

but the truth is, like, "Venus"
is not just about,

like, a zombie-like outbreak
that only affects women.

It's really about
gender politics.
Mm-hmm.

Huh.

I don't see it.D-- You don't s--

[Laughing]
You don't see it.
Um.

It's about how men
cling to their mothers.

These, uh, invincible,
infallible humans

who can do no wrong.

Yeah. I don't know.
My mom was kind of a...

Kind of a bitch.

[Clicks tongue] Wow.

Okay.
Wow, wow, wow.

Um, well, on that note...Yeah. [Chuckles]

You know, I'd just like to take
second to acknowledge,

to laud,
to fucking celebrate

this man right here.

This creative,
beautifully-nuanced

partner in scares,

Mr. -- Uh,

what's your
last name, sweetie?
Oh.

Oh, I -- I don't tell
anybody that.
Oh, yeah.

Mr. Carlo,
the enigmatic Carlo.[Chuckles, clears throat]

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I, uh, I don't have a speech
prepared, so I won't say one.

[Chuckles]

Mmm.

[Exhaling sharply]

[Clears throat]

You still high?I am very high now.

NNNot me.

No. I'm still high.
[Chuckles]

You gonna go, Fred?

You want me to leave?

Oh, you want me to go.
My turn. Uh...

How 'bout we do something
a little cheery, you know?

All these tales
of tortured kids.

Why don't we do something
with a little music?

You know, Fred, that is --
that is a good idea.

No, really, you are -- You are
truly onto something.

A story about a singer.

What else?

A singer that is, uh, also
like a teen slasher?

Teen slasher singer.[Chuckles] Oh.

A singer...
possessed by the devil.

[Inhales sharply]

Oh, fucking --
You know what, Fred?

You're on a fucking roll.
Really.

True -- True genius
coming out.
Ohh...

So we got, uh -- we got singer,
we got band, we got the devil.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Oh, this sounds
so fucking epic already.

She's just a small town girl.

She's living in a crazy world.

She's always wanted to do more.

She'd do anything to sing
on national TV!

Maybe like
"A Star is Born," but Satan!

[Overlapping agreements,
chuckling]

And she's got, like,
a good song.

It's a really
good song, though.

It's a big show.
It's a big show.

It's a big show,
and millions of people watch it.

She's gonna be
on "American Idol!"

Yas, queen! Yaaas!

Yeah.
Stakes! [Grunts]

Stakes!
Stakes!
Give me all the stakes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[As whiny teen] I would sell my
soul to be on "American Idol."

[Normal voice] Or another
show that doesn't give
us copyright issues.

Anyway, so for our purposes

in our little story,
we're gonna call it.

The Big Talent Show Live!

[Silly voice]
The Big Talent Show Live.

The Big Talent Show...[Hits coffee table]

The Big Talent Show Live.

All:
The Big Talent Show Live.

[All breathing heavily]

Leading up to the performance,
our lead singer, mm, Beth.

Let's call her Beth.
Beth starts to have...

a little bit of a reaction...
[grunting]

to her possession![Thuds into table]

Her voice...[squeaky] starts
to...[wheezes] get hoarse

and all over the place...
[distorted] and her skin

starts to peel,
and her band's like,

"Hey, um, Beth,
are you okaaay?"

Yeah,
you don't look so good.[Chuckles]

[Distorted] I'm fine.
I'm fine!

We're gonna kill it tonight.
[Normal voice] Which is really

funny, you know, 'cause the song
is so sweet, right?

It's like ♪ feel music,
feel the light ♪

and Beth's just...
[Distorted grunting]

[Distorted] We're go, guys.
[Grunting]

BRB!

Yo, can I talk to you
for a second?Yeah, dude.

I am worried about Beth.I'm worried about Beth, too,

just the same,
but maybe more.This is our one shot.

Yeah, one shot is all it takes.
It's all I have.

We're gonna be
on national television.Everybody I know is here

and everybody I don't know.

She's gonna be
on the Big Talent Show Live.

[Upbeat music plays]

[White noise rumbling]

[Distant cheering]

[Raspy]
Something doesn't feel right.

Fred: [Distorted deep voice]
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Feeling a little...

under the weather?

I -- I sold you my soul

for this.

Please...

[Laughing]

Carlo: [Distantly] Five minutes
to this program.

Welcome to the nationally
televised event.

Millions of people
are watching.

I hope nothing bad happens.[Audience cheering]

Don't fuck this up for me,
the devil.

Fred: [Distorted]
Good luuuck.

[Laughs]

And now without further ado,

ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...

What are we calling her again?[Normal voice] Beth.
We're calling her Beth.

That's right. Okay!

Please welcome Beeeth!

[Upbeat music plays][Audience cheering]

♪♪

[Cheering quiets]

[Microphone thuds, squeals]

[As Beth] This...
is an original.

[Piano plays]

[Breathes deeply]

♪ Feel the music,
feel the light ♪

♪ Hold me close
and squeeze me tight ♪

♪ Whisper in my ear ♪

♪ I want to hear you say ♪

♪ I want to stay all night ♪

♪ Let this beat take you away ♪[Inaudible speaking]

♪ Let your mind and body sway ♪

♪ With mine in time ♪

♪ Until it's time to die ♪

[Drums play]

♪ Yeah, it's time
to take them down ♪

♪ Lay their bodies
in the ground ♪

♪ Let's shut 'em up,
then cut 'em up ♪

♪ And feed them to the worms ♪

♪ Kill the children
and their mothers ♪

♪ Kill your sisters
and your brothers ♪

♪ And then let's kill
ourselves ♪

♪ That's the good word ♪

♪ Of the King of Hell ♪

[Deep voice chanting "Hell"]

[Disco music playing][Indistinct singing]

♪ Ooh ♪

[Indistinct singing]

♪ Get ready ♪

♪ Yeah ♪[Indistinct singing]

♪ Get ready ♪[Indistinct singing]

♪ Kill all
the fucking children, yeah ♪

[Indistinct singing]

♪ Come on ♪

[Gun clocks, fires][Indistinct singing]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[Vomiting][Vomit splattering]

[Audience screaming]

[Vomiting and screaming
continue]

[Quietly] And then...

[louder] a moment of respite.

[Audience gasping]Man: Oh, my God.

[Indistinct chatter]

Fanny:
The audience just stares at her

slack-jawed in shock and awe.

Everybody's covered in vomit.

Even Beth's shitty boyfriend
is just covered

in disgusting,
vile, sour devil vomit.

[Distorted] But then the devil
speaks to hear.

I hope you're having fun,
but now the real show begins.

[Both shouting]

Then the devil rips through
her chest with his devil arm.

It's fucking sick
like "Alien,"

but it's a Satan arm,
and it starts thrashing, man.

It's thrashing
so fucking hard.

It's sick.[Everyone screaming]

I was kind of thinking
that he gives, like,

a really important monologue
to the nation

all about how, like, our
culture's toxic and, you know,

we take advantage
of young talent.

Or. Or, or, or,
he could send his evil

through TVs across America
and possess the country.

That's been done before.They did that
in "Batman Forever."

Mmm, yeah, but that wasn't
the devil, though.

[Clock ticking]Oh, crap.

I gotta go.
Damn it.

Nooo!

I know.
Carlooo!

Ah.
Pizza Man of the Year,
Carlo!

I-I-I don't want to leave,
Fanny,

but I have this Hawaiian
I should've had

in Wamba Jukes Falls
like two hours ago.

They're gonna be pissed.

Anyway,
guys have a great night.

-Jim Carey's Riddler.
-We miss you, Scarecrow.

Ahh...
It's the same.

Wasn't the devil.Yeah, but it was
the same concept, same idea.

-'Kay.
-[Sighs]

You know, it's like --

It's like one of those nights,
you know,

where you leave to deliver
a pizza to a couple of strangers

who end up being your friends
and tell ghost stories

and do blow.

One's your favorite author,

and the other one is a Fred.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Fanny.
Nope, not going to do that.

Yes, I am going to do that
right now.

Can I have your autograph,
please?

Face or paper?

Okay, uh, if you could
just write, like,

"Hey, Carlo, my best friend!
We did coke together

and ate pizza,
told ghost stories."

[Chuckles] Or whatever.
I'm not a writer.

Don't put yourself down.
It's exactly what I wrote.

Thanks, Fanny.

Aww.

Okay.
Okay.

Hey, it was fun.

Bye, Fred!

[Sighs]

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm gonna
fill the bucket.

Must take a much-needed
cocaine defecache.[Car recedes]

You know, plumbing's all fucked
'cause of the storm.

[Pail squeaking]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Toilet flushes]

[Door opens]

[Door creaking]

Don't go in there, huh?

[Sighs] Alright, I'm tired.

I'm gonna head out.

Aw...

Why the long face?
'Cause it's over?

I just --
I feel like I had fun

for the first time in like
a really long time.

So.
Aw...

I just...[inhales deeply]
I needed that.

[Voice breaking]
That's all.
So sweet.

Well, let's do coffee tomorrow
before you go wherever,

you know, you're gonna go.[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Hey, wait.

I got one more.

Story? Oh, God.

Oh, God.
It's 4:00 in the morning,

I smell like cheese
and campfire,

and you are
definitely...not drunk.

Mnh-mnh.

Okay.
Gimme the log line.

[Clears throat]

It's a psychological
thriller.

Always engaging.
[Chuckles]

About...a killer...

We haven't done one about,
like, a straight-up...

[imitates slashing]
slasher yet.

...and the woman who got
under his skin.

Ohh...
It's very Lifetime movie.

[Inhales deeply]

Yes, okay. Hit me.

Okay.
Little setup for you.

So she...

She's this, like,
hard-worker type.

She could do no wrong,

no matter how much
she fucked up.

She's one of those
lucky freaks

that just has it easy,
you know?

She does what she wants,
and it p--

it pisses --
pisses him off.

Yeah, so it's sort of like
classic story

of emasculated boy
by a strong female.

Ooh, what's the title?
Is it, uh...

Is it "My Life:
Story of Women Everywhere?"

[Both chuckle]

Yeah.

The guy,
he's not doing so hot.

You know, his personal life
is not so great.

He -- He tries.
He's li--

He's the -- the type --
type of guy

who, like, really tries,

but he just doesn't
have the...
Talent?

I mean,
you try writing for a bunch

of chicken wing chains
and paint shops

and you just want
to fucking kill everybody,

but you can't
'cause it's illegal.

That's part of the story?

Obvs.

By a total chance,
he meets this a-woman.

Mmm.This powerful amazing woman
who's had it easy.

He meets this woman
who's a-a powerful woman.

She's a powerfulwoman,
and they actually hit it off.

And he meets her
and she meets him,

and he's actually like,
"Wow, this girl

makes me feel really...
good!

Having so much fun,
he, like, legitimately forgets

that he's...

bad.

He forgets...

He forgets he's got
a fucked-up life.

He forgets he cheated
on his wife.

He forgets he lost his temper
one or two or three many times.

He forgets about all the mean
letters that he wrote her.

Yeah, Fred.
You're losing me here.

I get it. I get it.
I get it. I get it.

You're a better storyteller
than me.

You're better!
You're better than me!

I get it!

You're better than me!

So I'm just gonna skip
to the good part.

I'll get to the end.
I'll get to the end.

They decide
to stay up all night

and tell each other
scary stories.

It was her crazy idea,
and he was super into it

because he fucking loves
scary stories.

And it's fun,
and as the night goes on,

the fun just starts
to kind of...die.

You know?

That initial feeling
of being included,

it just sorta starts
to fall away,

and he starts to kind of feel
like a windup monkey,

there to just make this chick
feel better about herself.

Where at first he was
really inspired by her,

by the end of the night,
he couldn't help but feel...

used.

[Sighs]

Fred.

What are you doing
with that poker?

Huh.

This guy's just, like --
who's struggling.

You know,
he's honestly struggling.

He's spending every ounce
of his savings,

just trying to take one shot
at his...dream.

And she just gets to
live hers.

Okay, I get it.
You read my notebook.

[Scoffs]

Your -- Your notebook?
This notebook?

Look, it's private shit, okay.
And I get that you're trying

to scare me
with this poker bullshit,

but it's not working, okay.
It's just pissing me off.

[Sighs] This is the part
in the story where...

the creepy
strings kick in.

[Chuckles]

Can you hear 'em?

[Imitates
string instruments]

No, Fred, I can't hear 'em
because we're done.

We're done telling stories.
Alright?

Now give me my fucking
notebook back.

10 pages of which
are all about...

wannabe-writer Fred.

Fragile Fred.
Fragile Freddy.

When did you write
all this shit?

When you were sitting across
from me eating pizza

with your next best friend?Well, I don't know, Fred.

If I knew dairy would turn you
into a fucking psychopath,

I wouldn't have ordered
a pizza.

I paid for it, didn't I?

[Scoffs]

You've been taking notes
all night, Fanny.

Why?
Why?

Because I'm a writer, dude.

Because we make observations
about the world around us

and make note of it.
That's what writers do.

I'm doing the fucking work.
What are you doing?

You rented this cabin
to do what?

Pretend to do your
werewolf epic?

Come on, dude.
You want my life.

Fucking just do the work.
Do the work.

Do the work.Yeah, do the work.

Steal from a nobody.

Oh, spare me.

You think people haven't
stolen my ideas?

I'm a horror writer,
and I'm a lady.

Everybody fucking steals
from me.

You know how I deal
with it?

I do it better than them.

Just when you think you can let
your guard down,

some conceited little girl

decides she can use you
for inspiration.

[Sighs]

Little girl. [Scoffs]

You know, I think
I finally figured you out.

You're not some sad,
emasculated failure.

No, that's too interesting.
You...

You are just a man

who thinks he's good.

But he knows that
he'll never be great.

[Hushed] This is insane.

This is an insane
conversation.

[Chuckles]

It's insane you're taking things
so fucking personally,

and it's really
fucking insane

that you're holding that poker
and trying to scare me

'cause you're not fucking
scaring me, okay, dude?!

So give me
my fucking notebook

or I will fucking kill you!

Okay.

[Quietly] Okay.

Here you go.

Sorry.

Wait.

Why make it that easy.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

How about...I chase you.

We can pretend we're in
one of our stories.

I can't find you,

mm, give you
your notebook back.

But if I dofind you...

Come on, Fred.
Just, um...

[Sighs] Would you please
give me my notebook back.

Please?

[Quietly] Okay, yeah.

Sorry.

Psych!

[Chuckles]

[Imitates plane engine]

[Laughs]

Oh, come on, Fanny.
Why the long face?

All night you wanted me
to scare you and now you're...

I'm not gonna hurt you.[Scoffs]

[Birds twittering]

Run! Run! Run!

Fanny, wa--
[Grunting]

[Groaning]

[Straining] Man down.

[Loud footfalls, wood creaking]

Fanny...

[Stomps]

[Quietly] Thump, thump, thump.

Thump.

[Louder] Thump.

Thump, thump.

[Chuckles]

Creepy footsteps, right?

Right?

Fanny?

[Shoes creaking]

[Footsteps continue]

[Sighs]

[Shoes creaking]

This might be
the creepiest story yet.

And I thought of it.

[Wind whistling]

Okay.

I guess you win.

[Chuckles]

[Footsteps receding]

[Stairs creaking]

[Gasps]

Hey.

[Ominous music plays]

Fanny! Fanny!

[Both shouting][Bodies falling]

W--
[Groans]

[Breathing shakily][Groaning]

[Groaning continues][Breathing shakily]

[Coughs]

[Panting]

[Breathing heavily]

[Quietly] Fuck, Fred...

[Weak groaning]

[Breathes heavily]

[Scoffs]
Look what you did.

[Crying] Fuck, Fred.
You fragile fuck.

You fucking psychopath.

I was only kidding.

[Indistinct]

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Fanny.
I...

[Exhales sharply]
Can you do me a favor?

What? [Sniffles]

I want you
to finish me off.

Yeah.

Please.

Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, that's good.
That's a log.

That's good.

Oh, that's good idea.

[Groaning]

Cue the creepy strings,
right?

Yeah.

Creepy strings.

It adds comforting.

[Crying chuckles]

[Crying]

[Imitates strings playing]

[Both holding note]

[Stops]

[Continues]

[Door opens]Hey.

[Door closes]

Haha, you win.

♪♪

[Hushed] You win.

[Strained] The end.

[Birds calling][Clock ticking]

[Calling and ticking continue]

[Muffled] Mr. Banks?

[Ticking continues]

Mr. Banks?

It's Bettina, your driver.

[Singsong voice] Mr. Banks.

M-Mr. Banks?

Well, someone had
a good time in here.

[Garbled] Mr. Banks?

I took some pizza.

Huh.

♪♪

♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪

♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪

♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪

♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪♪

[Passing car]

♪♪

♪ I couldn't even digest
me supper ♪

♪ Due to the children's
behavior ♪

♪ John [Yes, pa] ♪

♪ Come here a moment ♪

♪ Bring de belt,
you're much too impudent ♪

♪ John says it's James
who started first ♪

♪ James tells the story
in reverse ♪

♪ I drag my belt
from off me waist ♪

♪ You should hear them
screamin' 'round de place ♪

♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo,"
they shout ♪

♪ Their mother tell them
"Shut up your mout'! ♪

♪ That is your daddy"
Oh, no ♪

♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪

♪♪

♪ I got carried away.[Audience laughs] ♪

♪ So I began to question
the mother ♪

♪ These children ain't got no
behavior ♪

♪ So I began to question
the mother ♪

♪ These children ain't got no
behavior ♪

♪ They're playing with you,
my wife declared ♪

♪ You should be proud of them,
my dear ♪

♪ Them children were taught
too bloomin' slack ♪

♪ That ain't no kinda joke
to crack ♪

♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo,"
they shout ♪

♪ Their mother tell them,
"Shut up your mout' ♪

♪ That is your daddy"
Oh, no ♪

♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪ [Laughing]
Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪

♪ Shut your mout'! ♪