Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Ohhhhh.

Ed, what's the matter?

Let's go home.

So soon? Why?

My feet hurt.

You're just goofing off.

Your feet do not hurt.

You try walking around with iron shoes.

What do you want me to do, buy you a pair of sneakers?

No fooling, Wilbur.

I think I've got flat feet.

I'm not asking you to do a toe dance.

I just want a nice ride around the park.

- Is that asking too much of a horse? - This horse, yeah.

I don't want any more back talk.

We are finishing our ride around the park.

Ohhh.

Dictator.

Come on. Let's finish our ride.

Ed, what are you doing?

Didn't you see that sign that says "Keep off the grass"?

Yeah, I saw it, but I'm taking the shortcut home.

[whistle blowing]

Now look what you've done.

Here comes a policeman.

Didn't you see the sign, sir?

Well, yes. Yes. But you see, Officer,

my horse got frightened by a little piece of paper.

Oh, he's a high-strung horse, huh?

Oh, you couldn't string him any higher.

Sometimes I'd like to.

Well, I'll let you go this time. Try to be more careful.

Thank you, Officer. I certainly appreciate it.

Fathead.

...two.

One, two. One, two.

One, two. One--

Kay, you're supposed to touch your toes.

Are you kidding?

I haven't touched my toes since I was 6 months old.

Our physical fitness program is not going to do us any good

unless we work at it.

Oh, I don't know, sweetie.

Some people were built for exercise.

I was built for long, quiet naps.

Are you giving up already?

Oh, no. I think exercise is wonderful,

but there must be an easier way to do it.

I know. Let's go window shopping.

They say exercise is healthier in the open air.

Okay. Maybe we ought to gqo in for hiking

or bicycling, skiing.

Bicycle. That's a wonderful idea.

Sweetie, I saw the cutest outfit in Sorrentino's Import Shop.

It's just right for cycling.

The sweater is sort of an Italian knit,

and the skirt has a Swiss effect.

It sounds stunning.

Oh, but don't you think this hobby

might go into a ÷little too much money?

Well, if it gets too expensive, we can buy the outfit

and forget the bicycles, okay?

[groans] See you later, sweetie.

Kay, what's the matter?

Oh, exercise to trim the figure.

Oh, let it spread.

- Honey. - Hmm?

- Guess what. - What?

Kay and I are going to buy bicycles.

Swell. When you work up a nice paper route, I can retire.

No, I'm serious. It's a great exercise.

And you read what that magazine article said

about Americans being soft.

Well, I happen to like soft Americans.

You silly.

Really. Kay and I are so excited about getting bicycles.

Yeah, if I had any sense, that's what I'd be riding.

- You know what that horse did to me today? - What?

- He got me a citation. - What happened?

The sign distinctly said "Keep off the grass."

But no, no. He had to be a wise guy.

How can you blame Ed? Horses can't read.

Yeah, well, this one ca-- Well, he has seen enough signs

to be sure they say something.

Wilbur, he's just a dumb animal.

He's dumb like a fox.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take this fine out of his oats.

[Ed clears throat]

No hello. Nothing.

You think it's gonna rain?

Uh, how do you think the Dodgers'll do next season?

Hey, Wilbur, my mouth is moving.

Is anything coming out?

That's a great model, Wilbur.

You're a great architect.

Really great.

That was a dirty trick you pulled on me in the park.

You know, that ticket's gonna cost me $10.

I wanted to go home. My feet hurt.

You know your trouble, Ed?

You will never admit when you've made a mistake.

- Wilbur-- - Don't interrupt. Just listen. Just listen.

You see, it takes a big horse to say when he's been wrong.

And I'm not a big horse.

Are you sorry for what you did?

No.

You're a little horse, Ed.

You're a puny, tiny, little horse.

You don't like the Dodgers, huh?

Never mind that.

Now, look, Ed, if you want me to forgive you,

all you've got to do is say "I'm sorry."

Okay.

If you insist on acting like a child,

I'm going to punish you.

Ed,

I'm gonna take away this TV set until you apologize.

Wait, Wilbur.

There's a Charlie Chan movie on tonight.

Not for you.

As Charlie Chan would say,

[Chinese accent] "Number one horse

now behind number 8 ball."

Big deal.

[gong bangs on TV]

[Man] What do you make of the murder incident, Mr. Chan?

[Chan] Humble inspector suspect knife in victim's heart.

One of these people still in this room.

[Man] How long would you say the butler's been dead?

[Chan] Ah.

Watch on dead man's wrist stop at 9:00.

Clock on wall say...

Murderer must have tampered with clock.

Excuse me, dear.

What are you doing, Wilbur?

The reflection from the lamp in the screen.

- Oh. - Sit down here.

[Man] Too bad we didn't get here before the butler was shot.

Now it'll be just that much harder to solve this case.

[Chan] Ah, no. Fact that butler murdered

makes solving case easier.

Now we know what needs to be done.

[gunshots]

[Woman screaming]

[scuffling]

I feel a draft, honey. Excuse me.

[clattering]

[glass shattering]

[clattering continues]

Why are you so fidgety tonight?

I'm not fidgety. I'm fine. I'm fine.

They should make bigger keyholes.

What was that?

I'll go see. It must be somebody at the door.

- Excuse me, dear. - [Man] Inspector Chan, how were you able to deduce

the lady at the bar was a recent widow?

...put black olive in her martini.

Uh, what is it, little girl?

No, thank you. We have enough Girl Scout cookies.

Well, you better run along home now.

It's getting late.

Who was it, Wilbur?

Huh? Well, it was a little Girl Scout selling cookies.

Why didn't you buy some?

She's all sold out.

Then why did she come here?

I don't know. That's why I sent her home.

- What are you doing? - I told you,

there's an awful draft here.

♪ [Chinese folk]

[grunting]

[gunshots]

[tires screeching]

- [gunshots] - [whistle blowing]

[phone ringing]

[groans] Excuse me, hon.

Don't let them do a thing till I get back.

[gunshots continue]

Hello?

Oh, no.

Thanks for calling. I'll be right down.

[groans]

Who was it, Wilbur?

Joe Sullivan over at the TV store.

He says Ed has wandered into town.

- No. - Yeah. Silly horse.

I'm really gonna have a talk with him.

- What? - Uh, Joe Sullivan.

I'm really gonna have a talk with him and thank him.

- Wilbur! - Huh?

You can't go out like that. You've got your bedroom slippers on.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

Wilbur, wait!

[tires screeching]

Wilbur!

[crash]

Come on now. You get in there.

Ed, you know, you should be ashamed.

Getting me out in the middle of the night.

Just what have you got to say for yourself anyway?

Just one thing.

- Yes? - Who killed Charlie Chan's buddy?

Never mind that.

I think it was that little old lady.

Oh, well, you're wrong. She was working for the FBI--

Don't change the subject.

Holler, but don't hit.

Well, I am still waiting for an apology.

Ed, by now, surely you've learned enough to say "I'm sorry."

And then will I get my TV back?

That's right. Well?

So that little old lady worked for the FBI, huh?

Stop stalling.

Ed, is it so much to admit you made a mistake?

Look, when I have an argument with Carol,

I'm not too stubborn to say I'm sorry.

Hey, how come you're the one who always apologizes?

Well, in married life,

sometimes you have to give in,

even though you think you're right.

Then make believe we're married,

and you say you're sorry.

I'm sorry?

Okay. I accept your apology.

That does it.

All right. Forget about that TV set.

And you might as well go on, get to sleep,

because you're getting up early in the morning, and we're gonna go riding,

and I'll be galloping all the way.

Not on my back.

Huh? Then I'll go riding without you.

Aw, you'll look silly riding around in an empty saddle.

I will not be riding in an empty saddle.

Oh? You getting another horse?

You'll find out.

And I know who killed Charlie Chan's buddy,

but now you can figure it out for yourself.

Think it over, kid.

Addison, I think you're being unreasonable.

$500 is too much for a bicycle.

500? All I want is 50.

Sure. 50 for the bike and 450 for the outfit.

Oh, stop exaggerating. I should think you'd be happy

that your wife wants to exercise and keep fit.

You want some exercise? Here.

Kill a few bugs.

Don't tempt me.

Kay, you can get all the exercise you want around the house.

For one thing, you could get rid of your automatic washing machine.

There's nothing like bending over an old-fashioned washboard for exercise.

Why don't I just take my laundry down to the river

and slap it on the rocks?

Oh, Addison, be a good doll.

Kay, the whole idea is childish.

You're not cut out for this sort of nonsense.

Oh, please. Carol's getting a bike.

Carol is a lot younger than you are.

What do you mean, a lot?

Well, I don't necessarily mean a lot.

[stammering]

[stammering continues]

Uh, uh, I have no objection to your getting a bicycle.

Okay? Yeah. There you are.

- Isn't this fun, Kay? - I'm having a ball.

- Ohh. - [whistles]

Is this a private club, or can anybody join in?

Oh, honey.

I thought you were kidding

when you said you were getting a bike.

- Well, how do you like it? - Real sharp.

I'll bet you're gonna enjoy this

zv - Well, how do you like it? - Real sharp.

more than horseback riding.

Well, it's-- it's a lot smoother.

And, come to think of it, a lot less trouble.

Well, now, if we can get Addison to buy one,

we'll have our own little group.

- Can Roger ride a bike? - I doubt it.

I bet he'd fall out of his stroller.

[Roger] Thank you.

It's nice to know I have friends living nearby.

[Wilbur] No offense intended, Rog.

[Carol] We were just saying how nice if you could join us.

But since you can't ride--

Who can't?

In my cycling days, they used to call me Mr. Wheels.

Oh. Well, won't you give us a little sample, uh, Wheelsie?

Very well.

Um, doll, you'd better not--

One side, woman, if you please.

Honey, can't you stop him?

Too late now. He's in the hands of his insurance company.

I can't believe it.

Careful, Addison.

Oh!

If you're interested, lessons are $2.00 an hour.

[sputters]

You were great, Mr. Wheels.

- Just fabulous. - I'm really proud of you, doll.

Look at the color in his cheeks. Doesn't he look healthy?

Yeah. I didn't know he had blood.

Come on, Rog. Buy a bike and join us.

What do you say, doll?

All right.

You know, I thought I was too old for this sort of thing,

but I have to admit I was wrong.

- Attaboy, Rog. - Of course you were.

You know, it takes a big horse--

a big man to admit when he's wrong.

Come on with Mother, doll. I'll help you pick out a bike.

Wait a minute. Let's all take a ride up to Pineview Park.

Wonderful. Meanwhile, I'll fix a nice picnic lunch.

- Good. - Yeah, the chocolate cake.

- Yeah, the chocolate cake. - Yeah, that's the one.

Kay, come on.

See you later now. Hurry up.

You can get killed on those things, Wilbur.

I'll take my chances.

What'll I do while you're gone?

You can do anything you want.

I don't have a TV set.

Are you ready to say you're sorry?

[groaning]

- [Carol] Here, darling. - [Wilbur] All right.

- You guys did a wonderful job. - Kay.

- Anybody like a banana? - Not yet. Thank you.

- This is the one with pickled egg. - Thank you, Carol.

- Oh, yeah. - Hey, fellas, you know,

this physical fitness program isn't a bad idea.

Everybody should keep themselves in shape.

- Yeah. And there's nothing like cycling to do it. - That's right.

[Wilbur] Whoever heard of a fat bicycle?

[Carol] Now, instead of riding Ed on Sundays,

we can all be together.

- Not a bad idea. - Thank you, Carol.

[laughs]

Yeah, I'll fix this.

[air hissing]

- I got a potato chip... - Wilbur...

[air hissing]

Where shall we ride next Sunday?

Hey, I have an idea. How about Canoga Park?

- Mmm. - Canoga Park?

That's 20 miles from the house.

Instead of the bikes, we'll take a bus.

[thunderclap]

Ooh. Goodness. Look at those dark clouds.

Hey, we'd better start home, huh?

Physical fitness. I knew this was a terrible idea.

We'll all get pneumonia. We're gonna get drowned.

If we hurry, we'll get home before it rains. Don't worry.

[all talking at once]

Here. Leave nothing lying around that's messy.

- Thanks. - Come on.

Before we get soaked, let's get out of here.

[thunderclap continues]

[chattering]

Oh-oh-oh-oh.

I know we're gonna get caught in it.

[thunderclap continues]

Wilbur, what happened? You all right?

I'm all right, but my bikes got two flat tires.

- Ohhh. - What happened?

I don't know. They just chickened out on me.

Look, there's no sense in all of us getting drenched.

You kids go on ahead. I'll walk.

- Wait a minute, Wilbur. - No. I insist, Rog.

It's my bike. You ride, I'll walk.

Naturally. I just want to get the sandwiches

so they don't get ruined.

- I had a feeling he'd say that. - [thunderclap continues]

- Carol, hurry up. - You go on, honey.

I don't want you to get wet.

Well, all right.

- Please take care, honey. - Yeah.

- Hurry, huh? - Don't worry, dear. Don't worry.

Well, Wheelsie, you're the new head of the wagon train.

Bicycles-- [yells]

Bikes.

Ed never had flat tires.

Uh, h-hi, Wilbur.

Hello, Ed.

[groans]

What a day.

What happened?

[sighs]

I got two flat tires.

Had to walk all the way.

Gee, I didn't think it was going to rain today.

A-A-Achoo!

Gesundheit.

Thank you-ou--

Achoo!

Poor Wilbur.

You're catching cold.

Well, I do feel a little bit chilly.

[thunderclap continues]

Here, buddy boy.

Wrap my blanket around you.

Oh, thanks, Ed. I'm all ri--

Achoo!

Your face is hot. I think you got a fever.

Oh, I'm all right, Ed.

Oh, if anything happens to you,

I'll never forgive myself.

It's not your fault, Ed.

Oh, yes, it is.

I flattened your tires.

What?

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

Please don't get sick.

You're all I've got.

You flattened my tires?

Yeah. And about that cop yesterday...

Yes?

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

Ed, you said it.

You finally said "I'm sorry."

Oh, Ed, I'm proud of you.

Thank y-y--

A-A-A-Achoo!

Ed, you're catching my cold.

You better get under this blanket with me.

- Yeah. - [sighs]

- All right? - Yeah.

I'm glad I got your bug, Wilbur.

That's togetherness.

- A-A-Achoo! - Achoo!

Well, there we are, Ed.

Look what you are getting back.

Oh, boy!

Late, Late Show, here I come.

[laughs]

Attaboy.

Hey.

Ed, who took this drawer out of my filing cabinet?

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

I was looking for my carrots.

I have spoken to you

a hundred times about eating in my office.

Ed, you are being mischievous again.

- I'm sorry, Wilbur. - You don't look sorry.

As a matter of fact, you look downright hapSXpy.

I'm sorry I'm happy.

I mean, I'm happy I'm not sorry.

Ed, what am I gonna do with you?

Uh, love me, Wilbur.

I'm the sorriest horse a man ever had.

Someday-- Someday, Ed,

[whimpering]

I'm gonna trade you in for a talking cat.

[crying]

[Ed laughing]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.