Original subtitles

- Announcer: Know your candidates.

"let's be real" starts now.

- Larry, I'm so sick of these third-rate political ads

telling me how to debate. You're a pro.

You know what works on tv and radio

and whatever came before radio. I did a great job.

You saw the ratings and the polling

on breitbart, 4chan, 8chan.

- Well, donald, I thought there were a few things you said

that could maybe use rephrasing.

- Rephrase what? It was perfect.

- Well, when you said that thing about

"proud boys stand back, stand by."

- I didn't say that. Tucker, did I say that?

- Obviously not. Do you seriously think

just because you saw him say it, that means he did?

That's what passes for evidence these days?

- Rudy, did I say that? - Of course not.

Who's blackmailing you? The ukrainians? The turks?

Was it yusef, tall guy, eyebrows, scarf?

Did he mention me? - Kanye, did I say that?

- See? They wanna take pieces of you,

like when gap called my leather running shorts stupid,

even though harriet tubman said they were lit!

- See that, larry? You're a disgrace. Lyin' larry.

- Donald, you used that one for ted cruz.

- You get out of this room right now! Out! 9/11!

- Thanks, rudy. It's okay, he can watch.

Look, I got this down. Tucker, throw me any question.

- Mr. President, are we close to reopening restaurants and bars?

- You're very rude. You're a horrible journalist.

- How would you characterize the effect--

- that's a very nasty question.

You're nasty... And chunky.

Your face looks like a depressed marshmallow.

- Great job, mr. President, though I'm partial

to when you say I'm as dumb as a war veteran.

- Anything I miss, I'll tweet afterwards.

- Donald, I think you need to be more positive.

You gotta give 'em some real reasons,

some things that you're gonna turn around.

- Look, I know the economy is gonna come back.

I know these things, okay? I have a knack.

I'm way ahead of you.

Did you know the virus was airborne in February?

I did. I knew about it in December.

I knew the bat that started it.

Not a bad guy. Just diseased.

Listen, you have to admire him.

He was just another bat in the wet market.

Look at what he built. Am I right, jared and ivanka?

- Very nice bat. - A lovely bat, dad.

♪♪

- okay, joe, we just have two more of these.

Let's go over your talking points.

- Trump bad. - Beautiful.

Okay, you just stand there, joe,

and not be trump.

- Oh. Hmm. Kind of tight.

So, barack will just squeeze in next to me?

- We've gone over this, joe.

Barack won't be next to you for any of these debates.

- Well, how the heck are people gonna know I work with barack?

- Well, you could say something like,

"when president obama and I were..."

- folks...

[sips]

barack and I, we're like brothers.

Not in a black soul brother way.

Come on, I see what you're doing.

Anyway, we killed osama, both of us, 50-50.

I killed the top half, he killed the bottom half.

Hey, so don't come here and tell me

and give me that, you know, that non...

Anyway, my time's up.

- Okay. Very good, joe.

Leave 'em wanting much, much more.

- So, who's playing trump?

- Well, joe, we couldn't find anyone

quite as dangerously unhinged and erratic as the president,

so I settled on this rabid badger.

[cage rattles] - okay, let's see what ya got.

[badger snarling]

that's baloney! Nobody's buying it!

[snarling]

look, this kind of thing, this rrarr-rrarr stuff

this guy tells you, you know the deal.

He's not gonna do any of that.

He's had four years to do that.

Come on, will you shut up, man? [snarling]

♪♪

- thank you so much!

I can't tell you how absolutely snoggered I am

to have someone in the car again! Sugar ray himself!

- Well, thank you, james, but I'm mark mcgrath.

The band was sugar ray.

- You wouldn't believe how difficult it's been

to get celebrities in close quarters,

but now everything's back to normal.

- I mean, I don't know about that.

- Everyone's buzzing

about this banger of an election, and here I am

with one of the biggest stars in the universe!

- That's kind of you, bro, but I'm just--

- yes, you are! You're everywhere!

"celebrity big brother," "2013 celebrity wife swap,"

um, etcetera. It's all happening!

May I turn on the radio for a scooch?

- Yeah.

Both: ♪ I just wanna fly ♪

♪ like a birdie in the sky I'm so high ♪

- perfection!

"stairway to heaven" is a train wreck by comparison.

This should be the national anthem.

- ♪ I just wanna ♪ [clears throat]

- sorry, was that a cough, luv?

- Uh, no, just a little, uh, popcorn in my throat.

- Right.

♪ I just wanna fly ♪

oh, what fun.

We're proper social distancing and such,

to set an example. - Happy to do it.

- It's like you're being chauffeured.

I bet it's been a while. - You know, actually,

I drove a limo for "celebrity job swap,"

but it never aired for some reason.

- Oh, I love that one! - [clears throat]

♪ hey now, you're an all-star ♪

- oh, so much fun. Sorry, mark.

I was panicking, now we're glorious!

But you really outdid yourself here!

- It's cool, james, but that's a smash mouth song.

- Beg pardon, luv, I can't hear.

- It's a smash mouth song called "all star." huge hit in 1999.

- Just bloody sing it!

- ♪ hey now you're an all-star ♪ [phone rings]

- what? A real celebrity? Who? Are you serious?

He wants to do it now? Where is he?

- Yo, let me in, fam! - Kanye!

[brakes screech]

[thudding]

kanye, I can't believe this! A music legend,

and a genuine presidential candidate

in seven lucky states!

- They want to silence me, but closed mouths cannot--

[car thumps] what's that?

- Oh, a speed bump. No bother.

What shall we play? I so love "gold digger."

- nah, I got this, fam! I'm here to fix

what the politicians broke! Ah-choo!

- [laughs] oh, that's all right, luv.

It's an honor! Megastar spittle!

- Check out my south carolina campaign speech!

- Oh, I love this one. A classic.

Both: "well, harriet tubman never actually freed the slaves.

She just had the slaves go work for other white people."

[tapping on window]

- you guys got any bactine? - I'm talking to kanye!

♪♪

- now, joe, your practice moderator

will be rachel maddow.

- Good evening, mr. Vice president.

So, here's how this is going to work. I'm sorry.

Here's how this would work in normal times,

but we're not living in normal times, are we?

- Is... Is that our first question?

- No, mr. Vice president. The first question is,

how did we get here? The year was 1858.

The country was at a crossroads. - Rachel, dear,

I said, if you take more than 20 seconds, joe...

- [snoring]

- is he dead? 'cause I'm ready.

Got the oath of office right here. Just say the word.

- Uh, no, kamala. - [mumbling] barack obama...

- Is he awake now?

- For 35 cents, you can own a two-bedroom home.

The beer foamed up differently that day.

- No, no, joe tells longwinded anecdotes, even when sleeping.

Doctors call it sleep meandering.

Rachel, please, get to the point.

- And thanks to the invention of the telegraph...

Calligraphy, of course, has a very long

and complicated history...

How much do we really know about guglielmo marconi?

Radio waves... Someone we still want to be promoting in 2020...

Which is how opium first became entrenched in our cities.

Of course... - [snoring]

- I guess they're all gonna be out for a while.

Give me some volume and check for ticks.

♪♪

♪♪

- and welcome back to "a.M. Sarasota."

it is 72 degrees and warm.

Looks like another winner. Charlie?

- Yes, it does. That's why there's no better place to be

than here in central florida

on the best midmorning show in the region.

- You've got that right. And joining us here in the studio

are two of your favorites. You loved him as norm from "cheers,"

george wendt, and loved her on "sister, sister."

please welcome jackee.

- They are soon to be starring

in the revival of "hello, dolly!"

at the broadway palm dinner theatre in fort myers. Welcome.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

- "hello, dolly!"

it takes place in a simpler time,

when women sought matchmakers to find men.

Nowadays, of course, that would be considered wrong,

but people from that era were not bad people, were they?

- Well, I certainly don't think

that dolly levi was a bad person.

I mean, for her time, she was, you know, quite...

- Do you ever find that people often consider something wrong,

but then we learn that,

to people from an earlier time--

even recent times-- it was 100% not wrong?

- Well...

♪♪

- I'm sorry. What was the question again?

- Ah! So, you forget what was just asked of you,

so you'd agree, if someone tells an internal investigator

"I don't recall" once or even 15 times in his deposition,

it's perfectly reasonable. - Well, I heard what you asked.

I just don't know what you meant.

- And so maybe there was some sort of miscommunication.

In other words, what you think you heard me say

was different from what I intended,

so the obvious solution would be to let it go

and move on with our lives, right?

- I think what charlie is saying is,

we once thought it was fine to smoke on an elevator,

and now it's not.

Or if a man would close a bathroom door

to be alone with a woman, that was considered flirting,

and now it's not.

- Are you guys talking about your me too thing?

- Me too? Really? In 2020?

- With all the turmoil in the world this year,

between the covid-19 outbreak and black lives matter protests,

does anyone even care or remember

the things we were obsessed about in 2019,

like which white person

may or may not have groped another white person?

- Can you guys stick around for our cooking segment?

- Uh... - No.

- No, not really. - We can't.

[button clicks, steel bars clanking]

- we'll be right back.

♪♪

- mr. Vice president, won't you consider

wearing a mask indoors or at least in the elevator?

- The president's not afraid, and neither am I.

We can't let our silly little fears get the best of us.

- Yes, sir. - [clears throat]

- wait! Come back! I'm alone with a...

[doors slam shut]

...Woman.

♪♪

relax, mike. It's gonna be fine. It's one quick elevator ride.

♪♪

- good afternoon, mr. Vice president.

- I love my wife!

[bell dinging, clock ticking]

dear lord, this has gone far enough. I have to tell her.

♪♪

- hello?

- Karen, I've dishonored you!

I'm in an elevator with another woman! Please forgive me!

- How could you, mike? Thou shalt reap what thou soweth!

Feldman! Yes, you! Come in here now!

- Karen, what's happening?

- He's watching me brush my hair!

- No! - Too late, mike!

Now we're holding opposite ends of the doorknob

at the same time!

- Mother, I'm begging you, I'll never do this again.

I'll have every elevator thoroughly vetted.

[disconnected call beeps]

[sighs] I left her no choice.

[elevator bell dings]

[sighs]

♪♪

oh, jesus, why are you testing me?

[elevator jolts] [groans]

- I think it's stuck!

[phone rings]

- mike, I've decided to forgive you. Just come up.

- I can't. We're stuck.

- "we're"? "we're"?!

- [sobs] yes. - Feldman, get back in here!

And bring those maintenance men with you!

- No! [groans] oh, I've got to get out. Oh!

I've got to get out! Got to get out of here!

[hyperventilating]

oh, hallelujah.

[bell dings]

oh.

Come on. [tapping]

♪♪

oh... Aren't you...?

- Yes, I'm widow von'du from "rupaul's drag race."

♪♪

- can't take the risk.

♪♪

[shattering glass]

♪♪

- announcer: You loved him on the campaign trail!

- "corn pop" was a bad dude.

If you can't figure out if you're for me or trump,

you ain't black.

Poor kids are just as bright as white kids.

- Announcer: Now, joe biden has his own brand new game show!

- I like barbecue, I'm a pretty good dancer,

my team's the miami heat,

I do a lot of shopping at patagonia...

[buzzer] - you ain't black!

- I enjoy hip hop, I went to howard university,

and I like bar trivia.

[buzzer] - you ain't black!

Hey, look, I mean, I misspoke, okay,

when I said not voting for me makes you not black.

I know there are all kinds of things that make you not black,

so let's have some fun and win some money!

- I was born and raised in atlanta,

my dad's a security guard...

[buzzer] - you ain't black!

- Well, I drive a chevy, I'm a side sleeper...

[buzzer] - you ain't black!

- How does side sleeping make me not...?

- My judgments are final. Too bad.

She was just three black attributes away

from winning the $10,000.

- I like stew...

[buzzer] - you ain't black!

- I'm 6'1"...

[buzzer] - you ain't black!

- I'm not playing this game.

I mean, the whole premise is offensive. Who are you...

Who is anyone to presume

to determine another individual's identity?

- [sighs] you know, thank you.

I think I just learned something here

about how no person's race defines him,

that there are all kinds of varieties within any race

and that folks need to be treated like they're unique,

'cause they are. I also learned...

[buzzer] you ain't black!

♪♪

- well, that quote/unquote comedy skit

was simply appalling.

Hey, look, I enjoy a good comedy

when it's about conservatives,

but that is not the joe biden I know,

the joe biden who thinks everyone is black,

and in protest, I'm wearing this scarf

featuring the cast of "moesha."

♪♪ - we're back.

- Rolf, tell us what you've done with this chicken.

- I soaked it in a brine solution

before separating the skin

and stuffed it with a peppers and basil paste.

- And it just sat there and let you?

- Well, yes.

- Because sometimes you assume a chicken is okay

with what you're doing,

because they're not openly objecting to it,

and then, years later,

they're using new terms like "power imbalance."

- it--it makes the skin crispier.

- All right. Well, I can't wait to sink my teeth into it.

- I hear you. Can't wait to get my face all up in that.

George, you want in on this?

- I don't eat chicken...

From now on.

♪♪

- larry, this next debate, I'm gonna destroy him,

'cause we have an audience.

- Donald, there's-- there's no audience.

- No, but we get cardboard cutouts.

Each side gets cutouts.

Look who we're gonna have on our side.

In the front row...

Look at this. Huge stars. Tom hanks. See?

No more antonio sabato jr. For once.

John wayne, great guy.

Charlie chaplin...

Tucker carlson, kind of a [bleep],

but people love him. Not sure why.

- Sir, I'm actually here. - Oh, great. Okay.

I picked these myself.

Here's jesus. I got the great blacks.

Martin luther king, malcolm x...

- Donald, that's not malcolm x.

That's the guy from "this is us."

- what? There's another black guy with glasses?

Will anyone notice?

- Not a chance! Idiots!

- Ivanka? - I recognize my dad's racism

may not be to everyone's taste,

but the results speak for themselves.

- Let's see biden top malcolm x.

- Biden's got the real tom hanks!

All the biggies, like me, 30 years ago.

- Where does biden get off? Biden was vice president.

That doesn't make him qualified to be president.

I see how it all works. All the vp does is stand there,

nodding nervously while the president watches tv and tweets.

It's a moron's job. Vice presidents are nothing

but spineless, homophobic religious nuts

who weep uncontrollably

every time I show them a picture of my ex-wife's boobs.

Anyway, mike... - Yes, sir?

- Better start prepping for your debate.

They're gonna kill you on how you handled the china virus.

I tried to defend you, but you really dropped the ball.

- Yes, sir, I apologize. - Donald, you put him in charge.

- Excuse me, crazy crooked larry.

- Hey, call me whatever you want. You screwed up,

and you know what? You're gonna lose.

- Really? I can call you whatever I want?

Even what I call jared when he says he can't work on saturdays?

- You're ten points behind.

I got a nickname for you. One-term donald.

♪♪

- he's right. I'm not gonna catch up this way.

I gotta get back to doing what I did in 2016.

I need to make some calls.

Hi, stormy. Guess who? - Oh, god.

- Close. Anyway, I need your help.

I'm trying to recapture the magic of 2016

and recreate everything that happened that helped me win.

- What?

- I want to pay you hush money like I did in 2016.

- Okay, sure. - But I guess we need

to have sex again to make it clean.

- That is absolutely never gonna happen.

- I guess I should thank you for not telling everyone

some of the more embarrassing details of our time together.

- Oh, what? That you said, "condoms are a hoax"?

- I stand by that. - How about that you

referred to my breasts as "fox & friends"?

- I forget which one's which.

- I'm sorry, why are you bringing this up again?

- Are you kidding? The whole scandal was great for me.

It showed I was still a player

and that I actually paid someone for the work they did.

- How about this? I don't want you to talk to me,

I don't want you to come near me,

I don't even want you to look at me ever again.

- You mean, you want to get married?

- Goodbye, donald.

[disconnected beep]

[laughter] - jimmy!

- Oh. What do you want?

- Well, I want to recreate 2016

and I need some third-rate tv host like billy bush

to have a gross conversation with me

that will destroy his life while I emerge unscathed.

It's a win-win. - How do I win in this?

- Well, I mean, for me. It's two wins for me.

- Oh. - I get to stay president

and have a disgusting conversation. What do you say?

- Mr. President, you can't be here

without being tested for covid. - Test me, test me.

Don't be a wimp. Stick it up there. Deeper!

- There you go. Is that deep enough?

- I haven't paid taxes in 15 years.

- Yes, I read that.

- I owe the russian mob a billion dollars.

- Why are you saying this? - I think the swab

turned off the part of my brain that lies.

- Oh! Keep talking. - Hydroxychloriquine

is only good for killing weeds and erections.

- I had a feeling. - Get it out!

Okay, where--where were we? - I don't know.

- Oh, yes, yes. Let's ruin your career.

Which me too did you find the most unfair?

For me, it was cosby. - Oh, my god.

- Here's where you giggle and egg me on.

- No, I'm not gonna do that.

- I was never a fan of fat albert, though.

You know, you can't put someone that fat on tv,

even animated. It's unfair to the viewer.

- I really have to get going. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How about the tomb of the unknown soldier?

Maybe if he had done something a little more brave,

we'd remember his name, right? - Yeah, I'm gonna leave.

- Hold on, hold on. Amber alerts--how annoying, right?

Just because amber's day is ruined

doesn't mean mine has to be. - Okay, yeah, I'm going.

- Handicapped spaces

should be further from the front of the store.

It's much easier to roll than to walk. You laughed!

- I did not laugh. - I heard it!

He laughed! He--he laughed.

♪♪

- you're my last shot. Billy. Billy?

Can I come on the bus?

- I really can't do that, sir.

- Why not? Look at all the press we got.

Everyone was talking about us.

- I don't think my sense of shame would allow it.

- Let me talk to this shame guy. Who is he?

Does he want a medal of freedom?

- Look, shame is not a guy. Shame is the thing we all feel

when we've done something we aren't proud of.

- Oh, like when I had eric. - Sir, I'm very busy.

- Wait! I love your show! I could help you!

I have the peepee tape. I didn't want to do this,

but you're a tough negotiator.

All I ask is that you blur out the person doing the peeing.

It would kill rand paul's family to see him like that.

[disconnected call, dial tone]