All language subtitles for Real 2020 WEB h264 BAE_track3_eng

- Announcer:
Know your candidates.

"let's be real"
starts now.

- Larry, I'm so sick of
these third-rate political ads

telling me how to debate.
You're a pro.

You know what works on tv
and radio

and whatever came before radio.
I did a great job.

You saw the ratings
and the polling

on breitbart, 4chan, 8chan.

- Well, donald, I thought
there were a few things you said

that could maybe use rephrasing.

- Rephrase what?
It was perfect.

- Well, when you said
that thing about

"proud boys stand back,
stand by."

- I didn't say that.
Tucker, did I say that?

- Obviously not.
Do you seriously think

just because you saw him say it,
that means he did?

That's what passes
for evidence these days?

- Rudy, did I say that?
- Of course not.

Who's blackmailing you?
The ukrainians? The turks?

Was it yusef, tall guy,
eyebrows, scarf?

Did he mention me?
- Kanye, did I say that?

- See? They wanna
take pieces of you,

like when gap called my
leather running shorts stupid,

even though harriet tubman
said they were lit!

- See that, larry?
You're a disgrace. Lyin' larry.

- Donald, you used that one
for ted cruz.

- You get out of this room
right now! Out! 9/11!

- Thanks, rudy.
It's okay, he can watch.

Look, I got this down.
Tucker, throw me any question.

- Mr. President, are we close to
reopening restaurants and bars?

- You're very rude.
You're a horrible journalist.

- How would you
characterize the effect--

- that's a very nasty question.

You're nasty... And chunky.

Your face looks like
a depressed marshmallow.

- Great job, mr. President,
though I'm partial

to when you say
I'm as dumb as a war veteran.

- Anything I miss,
I'll tweet afterwards.

- Donald, I think you
need to be more positive.

You gotta give 'em
some real reasons,

some things that
you're gonna turn around.

- Look, I know the economy
is gonna come back.

I know these things, okay?
I have a knack.

I'm way ahead of you.

Did you know the virus
was airborne in February?

I did.
I knew about it in December.

I knew the bat
that started it.

Not a bad guy.
Just diseased.

Listen, you have to admire him.

He was just another bat
in the wet market.

Look at what he built.
Am I right, jared and ivanka?

- Very nice bat.
- A lovely bat, dad.

♪♪

- okay, joe, we just have
two more of these.

Let's go over
your talking points.

- Trump bad.
- Beautiful.

Okay,
you just stand there, joe,

and not be trump.

- Oh. Hmm. Kind of tight.

So, barack will just
squeeze in next to me?

- We've gone over this, joe.

Barack won't be next to you
for any of these debates.

- Well, how the heck are people
gonna know I work with barack?

- Well, you could say
something like,

"when president obama
and I were..."

- folks...

[sips]

barack and I,
we're like brothers.

Not in a black soul brother way.

Come on, I see
what you're doing.

Anyway, we killed osama,
both of us, 50-50.

I killed the top half,
he killed the bottom half.

Hey, so don't come here
and tell me

and give me that,
you know, that non...

Anyway, my time's up.

- Okay. Very good, joe.

Leave 'em wanting
much, much more.

- So, who's playing trump?

- Well, joe,
we couldn't find anyone

quite as dangerously unhinged
and erratic as the president,

so I settled
on this rabid badger.

[cage rattles]
- okay, let's see what ya got.

[badger snarling]

that's baloney!
Nobody's buying it!

[snarling]

look, this kind of thing,
this rrarr-rrarr stuff

this guy tells you,
you know the deal.

He's not
gonna do any of that.

He's had four years
to do that.

Come on, will you shut up, man?
[snarling]

♪♪

- thank you so much!

I can't tell you
how absolutely snoggered I am

to have someone in the car
again! Sugar ray himself!

- Well, thank you, james,
but I'm mark mcgrath.

The band was sugar ray.

- You wouldn't believe
how difficult it's been

to get celebrities
in close quarters,

but now everything's
back to normal.

- I mean, I don't know
about that.

- Everyone's buzzing

about this banger
of an election, and here I am

with one of the biggest stars
in the universe!

- That's kind of you, bro,
but I'm just--

- yes, you are!
You're everywhere!

"celebrity big brother,"
"2013 celebrity wife swap,"

um, etcetera.
It's all happening!

May I turn on
the radio for a scooch?

- Yeah.

Both:
♪ I just wanna fly ♪

♪ like a birdie in the sky
I'm so high ♪

- perfection!

"stairway to heaven" is
a train wreck by comparison.

This should be
the national anthem.

- ♪ I just wanna ♪
[clears throat]

- sorry,
was that a cough, luv?

- Uh, no, just a little,
uh, popcorn in my throat.

- Right.

♪ I just wanna fly ♪

oh, what fun.

We're proper social distancing
and such,

to set an example.
- Happy to do it.

- It's like
you're being chauffeured.

I bet it's been a while.
- You know, actually,

I drove a limo
for "celebrity job swap,"

but it never aired
for some reason.

- Oh, I love that one!
- [clears throat]

♪ hey now,
you're an all-star ♪

- oh, so much fun.
Sorry, mark.

I was panicking,
now we're glorious!

But you really
outdid yourself here!

- It's cool, james,
but that's a smash mouth song.

- Beg pardon, luv,
I can't hear.

- It's a smash mouth song called
"all star." huge hit in 1999.

- Just bloody sing it!

- ♪ hey now you're an all-star ♪
[phone rings]

- what? A real celebrity?
Who? Are you serious?

He wants to do it now?
Where is he?

- Yo, let me in, fam!
- Kanye!

[brakes screech]

[thudding]

kanye, I can't believe this!
A music legend,

and a genuine
presidential candidate

in seven lucky states!

- They want to silence me,
but closed mouths cannot--

[car thumps]
what's that?

- Oh, a speed bump. No bother.

What shall we play?
I so love "gold digger."

- nah, I got this, fam!
I'm here to fix

what the politicians broke!
Ah-choo!

- [laughs]
oh, that's all right, luv.

It's an honor!
Megastar spittle!

- Check out my south carolina
campaign speech!

- Oh, I love this one.
A classic.

Both:
"well, harriet tubman never
actually freed the slaves.

She just had the slaves go work
for other white people."

[tapping on window]

- you guys got any bactine?
- I'm talking to kanye!

♪♪

- now, joe,
your practice moderator

will be rachel maddow.

- Good evening,
mr. Vice president.

So, here's how this
is going to work. I'm sorry.

Here's how this would work
in normal times,

but we're not living
in normal times, are we?

- Is... Is that
our first question?

- No, mr. Vice president.
The first question is,

how did we get here?
The year was 1858.

The country was at a crossroads.
- Rachel, dear,

I said, if you take
more than 20 seconds, joe...

- [snoring]

- is he dead?
'cause I'm ready.

Got the oath of office
right here. Just say the word.

- Uh, no, kamala.
- [mumbling] barack obama...

- Is he awake now?

- For 35 cents, you can own
a two-bedroom home.

The beer foamed up
differently that day.

- No, no, joe tells longwinded
anecdotes, even when sleeping.

Doctors call it
sleep meandering.

Rachel, please,
get to the point.

- And thanks to the invention
of the telegraph...

Calligraphy, of course,
has a very long

and complicated history...

How much do we really know
about guglielmo marconi?

Radio waves... Someone we still
want to be promoting in 2020...

Which is how opium first
became entrenched in our cities.

Of course...
- [snoring]

- I guess they're all
gonna be out for a while.

Give me some volume
and check for ticks.

♪♪

♪♪

- and welcome back
to "a.M. Sarasota."

it is 72 degrees and warm.

Looks like
another winner. Charlie?

- Yes, it does. That's why
there's no better place to be

than here in central florida

on the best midmorning show
in the region.

- You've got that right. And
joining us here in the studio

are two of your favorites. You
loved him as norm from "cheers,"

george wendt, and loved her
on "sister, sister."

please welcome jackee.

- They are soon to be starring

in the revival
of "hello, dolly!"

at the broadway palm dinner
theatre in fort myers. Welcome.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- "hello, dolly!"

it takes place
in a simpler time,

when women sought matchmakers
to find men.

Nowadays, of course,
that would be considered wrong,

but people from that era
were not bad people, were they?

- Well, I certainly don't think

that dolly levi
was a bad person.

I mean, for her time,
she was, you know, quite...

- Do you ever find that people
often consider something wrong,

but then we learn that,

to people
from an earlier time--

even recent times--
it was 100% not wrong?

- Well...

♪♪

- I'm sorry.
What was the question again?

- Ah! So, you forget
what was just asked of you,

so you'd agree, if someone
tells an internal investigator

"I don't recall" once or even
15 times in his deposition,

it's perfectly reasonable.
- Well, I heard what you asked.

I just don't know
what you meant.

- And so maybe there was
some sort of miscommunication.

In other words, what you think
you heard me say

was different from what
I intended,

so the obvious solution
would be to let it go

and move on with our lives,
right?

- I think what charlie
is saying is,

we once thought it was fine
to smoke on an elevator,

and now it's not.

Or if a man would close
a bathroom door

to be alone with a woman,
that was considered flirting,

and now it's not.

- Are you guys talking about
your me too thing?

- Me too? Really? In 2020?

- With all the turmoil
in the world this year,

between the covid-19 outbreak
and black lives matter protests,

does anyone even care
or remember

the things we were
obsessed about in 2019,

like which white person

may or may not have groped
another white person?

- Can you guys stick around
for our cooking segment?

- Uh...
- No.

- No, not really.
- We can't.

[button clicks,
steel bars clanking]

- we'll be right back.

♪♪

- mr. Vice president,
won't you consider

wearing a mask indoors
or at least in the elevator?

- The president's not afraid,
and neither am I.

We can't let our silly little
fears get the best of us.

- Yes, sir.
- [clears throat]

- wait! Come back!
I'm alone with a...

[doors slam shut]

...Woman.

♪♪

relax, mike. It's gonna be fine.
It's one quick elevator ride.

♪♪

- good afternoon,
mr. Vice president.

- I love my wife!

[bell dinging, clock ticking]

dear lord, this has gone
far enough. I have to tell her.

♪♪

- hello?

- Karen, I've dishonored you!

I'm in an elevator with another
woman! Please forgive me!

- How could you, mike? Thou
shalt reap what thou soweth!

Feldman! Yes, you!
Come in here now!

- Karen, what's happening?

- He's watching me
brush my hair!

- No!
- Too late, mike!

Now we're holding
opposite ends of the doorknob

at the same time!

- Mother, I'm begging you,
I'll never do this again.

I'll have every elevator
thoroughly vetted.

[disconnected call beeps]

[sighs] I left her no choice.

[elevator bell dings]

[sighs]

♪♪

oh, jesus,
why are you testing me?

[elevator jolts]
[groans]

- I think it's stuck!

[phone rings]

- mike, I've decided to
forgive you. Just come up.

- I can't. We're stuck.

- "we're"? "we're"?!

- [sobs] yes.
- Feldman, get back in here!

And bring those
maintenance men with you!

- No! [groans]
oh, I've got to get out. Oh!

I've got to get out!
Got to get out of here!

[hyperventilating]

oh, hallelujah.

[bell dings]

oh.

Come on.
[tapping]

♪♪

oh... Aren't you...?

- Yes, I'm widow von'du
from "rupaul's drag race."

♪♪

- can't take the risk.

♪♪

[shattering glass]

♪♪

- announcer: You loved him
on the campaign trail!

- "corn pop" was a bad dude.

If you can't figure out
if you're for me or trump,

you ain't black.

Poor kids are just as bright
as white kids.

- Announcer: Now, joe biden has
his own brand new game show!

- I like barbecue,
I'm a pretty good dancer,

my team's the miami heat,

I do a lot of shopping
at patagonia...

[buzzer]
- you ain't black!

- I enjoy hip hop,
I went to howard university,

and I like bar trivia.

[buzzer]
- you ain't black!

Hey, look, I mean,
I misspoke, okay,

when I said not voting for me
makes you not black.

I know there are all kinds of
things that make you not black,

so let's have some fun
and win some money!

- I was born and raised
in atlanta,

my dad's a security guard...

[buzzer]
- you ain't black!

- Well, I drive a chevy,
I'm a side sleeper...

[buzzer]
- you ain't black!

- How does side sleeping
make me not...?

- My judgments are final.
Too bad.

She was just
three black attributes away

from winning the $10,000.

- I like stew...

[buzzer]
- you ain't black!

- I'm 6'1"...

[buzzer]
- you ain't black!

- I'm not playing this game.

I mean, the whole premise
is offensive. Who are you...

Who is anyone to presume

to determine another
individual's identity?

- [sighs]
you know, thank you.

I think I just learned
something here

about how no person's race
defines him,

that there are all kinds
of varieties within any race

and that folks need to be
treated like they're unique,

'cause they are.
I also learned...

[buzzer]
you ain't black!

♪♪

- well, that
quote/unquote comedy skit

was simply appalling.

Hey, look,
I enjoy a good comedy

when it's about conservatives,

but that is not the joe biden
I know,

the joe biden who thinks
everyone is black,

and in protest,
I'm wearing this scarf

featuring the cast
of "moesha."

♪♪
- we're back.

- Rolf, tell us what
you've done with this chicken.

- I soaked it
in a brine solution

before separating the skin

and stuffed it with
a peppers and basil paste.

- And it just sat there
and let you?

- Well, yes.

- Because sometimes you assume
a chicken is okay

with what you're doing,

because they're not
openly objecting to it,

and then, years later,

they're using new terms
like "power imbalance."

- it--it makes
the skin crispier.

- All right. Well, I can't
wait to sink my teeth into it.

- I hear you. Can't wait
to get my face all up in that.

George, you want in on this?

- I don't eat chicken...

From now on.

♪♪

- larry, this next debate,
I'm gonna destroy him,

'cause we have an audience.

- Donald, there's--
there's no audience.

- No, but we get
cardboard cutouts.

Each side gets cutouts.

Look who we're gonna have
on our side.

In the front row...

Look at this. Huge stars.
Tom hanks. See?

No more antonio sabato jr. For
once.

John wayne, great guy.

Charlie chaplin...

Tucker carlson,
kind of a [bleep],

but people love him.
Not sure why.

- Sir, I'm actually here.
- Oh, great. Okay.

I picked these myself.

Here's jesus.
I got the great blacks.

Martin luther king,
malcolm x...

- Donald,
that's not malcolm x.

That's the guy
from "this is us."

- what? There's another
black guy with glasses?

Will anyone notice?

- Not a chance! Idiots!

- Ivanka?
- I recognize my dad's racism

may not be
to everyone's taste,

but the results
speak for themselves.

- Let's see biden
top malcolm x.

- Biden's got
the real tom hanks!

All the biggies,
like me, 30 years ago.

- Where does biden get off?
Biden was vice president.

That doesn't make him
qualified to be president.

I see how it all works.
All the vp does is stand there,

nodding nervously while the
president watches tv and tweets.

It's a moron's job.
Vice presidents are nothing

but spineless,
homophobic religious nuts

who weep uncontrollably

every time I show them
a picture of my ex-wife's boobs.

Anyway, mike...
- Yes, sir?

- Better start prepping
for your debate.

They're gonna kill you on
how you handled the china virus.

I tried to defend you,
but you really dropped the ball.

- Yes, sir, I apologize.
- Donald, you put him in charge.

- Excuse me,
crazy crooked larry.

- Hey, call me whatever
you want. You screwed up,

and you know what?
You're gonna lose.

- Really? I can call you
whatever I want?

Even what I call jared when he
says he can't work on saturdays?

- You're ten points behind.

I got a nickname for you.
One-term donald.

♪♪

- he's right. I'm not
gonna catch up this way.

I gotta get back to doing
what I did in 2016.

I need to make some calls.

Hi, stormy. Guess who?
- Oh, god.

- Close.
Anyway, I need your help.

I'm trying to recapture
the magic of 2016

and recreate everything that
happened that helped me win.

- What?

- I want to pay you hush money
like I did in 2016.

- Okay, sure.
- But I guess we need

to have sex again
to make it clean.

- That is absolutely
never gonna happen.

- I guess I should thank you
for not telling everyone

some of the more embarrassing
details of our time together.

- Oh, what? That you said,
"condoms are a hoax"?

- I stand by that.
- How about that you

referred to my breasts
as "fox & friends"?

- I forget which one's which.

- I'm sorry, why are you
bringing this up again?

- Are you kidding? The whole
scandal was great for me.

It showed I was still a player

and that I actually paid someone
for the work they did.

- How about this?
I don't want you to talk to me,

I don't want you
to come near me,

I don't even want you
to look at me ever again.

- You mean,
you want to get married?

- Goodbye, donald.

[disconnected beep]

[laughter]
- jimmy!

- Oh. What do you want?

- Well,
I want to recreate 2016

and I need some third-rate
tv host like billy bush

to have a gross conversation
with me

that will destroy his life
while I emerge unscathed.

It's a win-win.
- How do I win in this?

- Well, I mean, for me.
It's two wins for me.

- Oh.
- I get to stay president

and have a disgusting
conversation. What do you say?

- Mr. President,
you can't be here

without being tested for covid.
- Test me, test me.

Don't be a wimp.
Stick it up there. Deeper!

- There you go.
Is that deep enough?

- I haven't paid taxes
in 15 years.

- Yes, I read that.

- I owe the russian mob
a billion dollars.

- Why are you saying this?
- I think the swab

turned off the part
of my brain that lies.

- Oh! Keep talking.
- Hydroxychloriquine

is only good for killing weeds
and erections.

- I had a feeling.
- Get it out!

Okay, where--where were we?
- I don't know.

- Oh, yes, yes.
Let's ruin your career.

Which me too did you
find the most unfair?

For me, it was cosby.
- Oh, my god.

- Here's where you giggle
and egg me on.

- No, I'm not gonna do that.

- I was never a fan
of fat albert, though.

You know, you can't put
someone that fat on tv,

even animated.
It's unfair to the viewer.

- I really have to get going.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How about
the tomb of the unknown soldier?

Maybe if he had done something
a little more brave,

we'd remember his name, right?
- Yeah, I'm gonna leave.

- Hold on, hold on. Amber
alerts--how annoying, right?

Just because amber's day
is ruined

doesn't mean mine has to be.
- Okay, yeah, I'm going.

- Handicapped spaces

should be further
from the front of the store.

It's much easier to roll
than to walk. You laughed!

- I did not laugh.
- I heard it!

He laughed! He--he laughed.

♪♪

- you're my last shot.
Billy. Billy?

Can I come on the bus?

- I really can't do that, sir.

- Why not?
Look at all the press we got.

Everyone was talking about us.

- I don't think my sense
of shame would allow it.

- Let me talk to this shame guy.
Who is he?

Does he want
a medal of freedom?

- Look, shame is not a guy.
Shame is the thing we all feel

when we've done something
we aren't proud of.

- Oh, like when I had eric.
- Sir, I'm very busy.

- Wait! I love your show!
I could help you!

I have the peepee tape.
I didn't want to do this,

but you're a tough negotiator.

All I ask is that you blur out
the person doing the peeing.

It would kill rand paul's family
to see him like that.

[disconnected call, dial tone]