All language subtitles for Qwe rty

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] Working hard
so you don't have to.

Conglomerated Assets.

Our portfolio of stocks

get a rise out of everyone.

Conglomerated Assets.

(phone buzzes)

Keeping you abreast

of the latest market fluctuations

so you come out a winner.

Conglomerated Assets.

(sighs)

("Beautiful Mess" by David Thiele)

♫ I was out in this big blue world

♫ With the future wide open

♫ Standing right in front of me

♫ Everything I dreamed

♫ I could see it too clearly then

♫ 'Til you came along, met
me down on Lonely Street

♫ That was when I lost my beat

♫ Slow down

♫ One more step in every
single direction, love

♫ Just to make sure, love

♫ Won't stop 'til I cover every angle

(Wall Street radio)

- Oh! Crap!

- Uh.

- Crap!

Do not help me.

- I'm sorry. I wasn't trying--

- Save it, mail room. I'm late.

What?

- Never do anal when you're wearing white.

- Seriously?

- Cum stained front--
- Stop! Just stop.

I need a clean shirt.

- I'd give you mine, but are missing

certain pieces.
- Stop!

- That's not what he said.

- It's not casual Friday again,
is it? I always miss that.

- No, it's Rudy's black
Monday. Shirt off your back?

- Usually I get dinner before
they have their way with me.

- I'll buy you a new one at lunch.

- Shit.

(throat clearing)

- Excuse me Senior, it's time to--

Senior?

Crap, crap, crap!

(throat clearing)

- So everyone, here he
is, our newest hire,

fresh from his Stanford MBA.

You can all just call him "Junior"

because, well, he's my son.

- [Rudy] Crap, crap, crap!

Crap. Shirt. Spilled. Late. Sorry.

- Okay, well that's all for today.

If you'll all excuse me.

(text alert)

Well, I seem to have forgotten
to mention I'm retiring.

Today.

- What?

- There will be a formal
announcement later on,

but I wanted you to know now.

Which is why I brought in Junior.

I know it's a surprise,

but Junior please. A few words.

- Dad seriously?
- Just tell them your vision.

- 20/20.

(laughs)

- Your vision for Conglomerated Assets.

- My vision.

Nothing will change.

No sir, nothing.

Conglomerated will run as
it has all these years,

with a Rigby at the forefront to guide me.

You. To guide all of you.

That is all.

- Well said, Junior. Lunch?

- It's only 9:30, sir.

- Oh. Oh good!

So I have time to get a
round in before lunch.

(laughs)

Excuse me.

Good luck, son.

- You knew.
- I did not.

- Yes you did and you were late.

- What does it matter if I was late?

He was going to retire anyway.

- You were late!

And since we still don't
have a Marketing Director,

these dick wads just
approved an ad campaign

that Chase and the Oink
Squad put together.

- I thought I nipped that in the butt.

- No you didn't. Nips on full
display. See for yourself!

- Oh man.
- Nope.

Not one in there. Just the jiggle patrol.

Look, I am a IT specialist, okay?

I don't do porn for real.

If I wanted to do porn, I would
have moved out to the valley

and had silicone put in my punnany.

- What?
- I'm the one who

has to upload that onto the webpage.

I don't think so, Rudy. I do not think so!

- I'm on it.

- My grandmother did not raise
me to be no pussy-pusher.

Do I look like a pimp?

- Excuse me?

- I said, "do I look like a pimp?".

(banging)

- This a bad time? You may
remember me. Mail room.

Actually, I prefer Donald.

I don't really like being called "Junior".

- Hey, Junior! Just heard.
Congrats! Way to go, dude.

- And you are?
- I'm Chase!

Chase Conner. Me and
your dad, we go way back.

- To the company picnic.

- I can tell him, right?
See we're friends,

like with benefits.
- We are not!

- Yeah, it's just a little
joke 'cause it's a dude thing.

What!

- I don't speak dude.

- Take it away. Alright. I am out.

(robotic sounds)

(moaning)

Splat!

- Okay.

Look, I know to you I started out as

mail room and ended up as--
- Junior.

- Right, but as I said,

I'm uncomfortable--
- Junior?

No one mentioned we landed
such a stud as a CEO.

I'm Quincy. You a cowboy, Junior?

- I'm sorry. Do you work here?

- I'm in sales. Highest performer

so your Daddy made me
manager last quarter.

But you know manager isn't as high as

Senior V.P. of Marketing.

- What?

- It's good to have
goals, don't you think?

- I do. I think, I mean, often.

- [Quincy] I bet you do.

Don't take too long to come and see me.

You know, I'm right under
you on the 30th floor.

Isn't that funny? You'll
always be on top of me.

- Hilarious.

(buzz)

- Did you see that?

- Duh. Damn Quincy's always
getting ahead on her behind.

- It is a curvy behind.

- Please. If you were to take a quarter

and toss it on that behind,

your raid velocity with
which that quarter repelled

would not take it the meter
to qualify as a badonkadonk.

- What?

- Qwerty meeting. Break room.

- Could you please stop
with the Qwerty reference?

- You type it on a keyboard?

- Yes.
- Well if you ain't the one

ordering what's to be
typed on that keyboard,

you're a Qwerty, Beotch!

- Yes.

- Make it a fresh pot of coffee.

- [Rudy] Be there in five.

(buzz)

Junior?

Junior.

Junior!

Would it be too much to ask for you

to pick up the phone, Junior?

- Oh. I didn't even know
you were trying to...

Where's the button?

(buzz)

- Stanford.

- Who are they?
- Your 10 o'clock.

I'm taking my break now. Bye!
- Rudy!

Rudy!

- What's with the shirt?

- I had to take the bus
cause my car broke down.

Then just steps away from the building,

Junior dumps coffee all over me.

Drops a box on my foot, grabs my boob.

Did I forget anything? Oh yeah.

Then I called him "mail room".
- Damn.

Do you know the odds of that happening

on the very day you meet your new boss

are about 1 in 75,000.

- How do you figure?

- You take the classic A over F.

- Oh nevermind. Pour. The good stuff.

- Is that fresh?

- As a 14-year-old with a bad attitude.

- Well then load me up. So,

what do you two think of Junior?

- He's gonna fire Rudy for sure.

- Really?

- In my calculations,
there's a one in five chance.

You see I take the N,
as in "no she didn't",

and multiply it by the Y, as
in "why she ain't packin'?

"I don't know". Then I come up with D,

"don't let the glass ceiling
hit your ass on the way out".

- He's not going to fire me!

Okay, okay, he might fire me.

I mean, I did call him "mail room"

when he spilled coffee on me.

Oh God! My shirt!
- My assistant picked up my

dry cleaning this morning.
I gave him your shirt.

Should be done by five.

- You're an angel.
- And you are an asset.

(throat clearing)

I hope you don't get fired, Rudy.

- Well if I do, you'll
all know within an hour

when this place goes to
hell in a hand basket.

Stanford over there
doesn't even know how to

turn on the intercom.

I.V. League? What. Ever.

- Well I went to Brown.
- M.I.T.

- [Quincy] Harvard and I say he's gay.

- Really?
- [Quincy] Really.

- What makes you say that?
- I can tell.

- He's not gay.

- The flag pole didn't salute.

- Yes it did!
- Gross!

- Still, he's kind of cute, though.

- Shut up.

- He's a gay biscuit I
would love to butter.

- Quincy!

- Mm. I would drink his biscuit.

(slurping)

I would drink it down.

- And get a promotion in the process?

You know the odds of getting
fired rather than promoted

when sleeping with the
boss are actually 70/30?

- What?
- 70% of your ass is grass.

Never a good idea to
dip in the company ink.

- Well, what about blow jobs?

- Leaving! Leaving! Now!

Because I'm the one who has
to deal with the biscuit.

I mean, Junior. So stop.

Okay? Just stop.

(hip-hop beat)

- Senior?
- Rudy. Come on in. Yes.

Oh, thank you.

- Senior, you should have told me.

- Well, I didn't really know myself.

I guess it's for the best, you know?

Change is good.

For example, I cut salt out of my diet

and my blood pressure went right down.

But I do love salt.

- Senior--
- Rudy,

do you ever think that maybe,
if you made one little change,

that your whole life would be different?

- Actually, I've been meaning
to talk to you about--

- For example, the night I
met my wife, my dog died.

I was very sad. I'd had
that dog since I was a kid.

- That's very sad, sir.

- Yes, it is sad. I was very
sad and I needed a drink.

- Sir, you promised me

that job.
- I walked up to a bar

and there was this woman sitting there

and she was breath taking.
So I walked up to her

and she said, "well you
don't look like a John".

I said, "well, I'm
Donald. I don't know you,

"but I know I love you.

"So let's go to Vegas in
my jet and get married".

And we did.

If my dog hadn't died and
I didn't need a drink,

who knows what might have happened.

I might have just got another dog.

Then there's Junior.
Very big company, Rudy.

Very big shoes to fill.

Pill, yes.

Thank you. It's a very big company.

Mm, that's better.

(sigh)

So I'm glad that nothing
is going to change.

- Looks great. See that shot right there?

That single shot is genius.

- I thought it was a nipple.

- I thought it was just cold in here.

(laughs)

- See the camera move? It's
a synchronized crane shot.

The same move on a different--

- Nipple!

(laughs)

- Version of the
Conglomerated Assets logo.

Back to the crane shot here. Look.

It's smooth, looks really good,

but how did you not notice
the boom shadow over here?

Take a look.

Boom shadow from a--

- From her boobs.

- Well I paid for a good education,

but who knows what you get?

- Sir, the Senior V.P. of Marketing job.

- Rudy, no. No. No job.
Just your job. For now.

If you work on Junior and you teach him,

you'll be out of here in
no time. No time at all.

Now would you call my car
please? I'm going to the club.

- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.

- Boom shadow.

That's how we do it.

That's it right there, see?

- Boss, are you sure you
haven't done this before?

- I guess I'm kind of a pro.
I've been doing it for a while.

(gasps)

- Listen Junior.

I just want to say that I'm relieved

that you see the beauty in my campaign.

Too long have I suffered the
petty tyranny of the Qwertys.

- The what?
- The Quartys.

That's what we call them.

And by we I mean I,
because I came up with it.

- Alright, that's enough.

- Yeah, you're right.

Let's just go back to
calling them "Skirts".

- That's not what I meant.

- You know what Donald?

You said nothing would change. Am I right?

- Yes, I said nothing would
change, but what I meant

was that--
- That's it!

Every body out!

(groaning)

- Hello Rudy.

- Junior.
- Donald.

- Did I hear you praise that
soft core jiggle patrol?

- Well, it's not all bad.

- Did you approve it?

- Well even if I did,

what's it to you?

- What's it to me? What's it to me?

Do you want this to look
like some T&A brokerage firm

that rewards sexism, racism,

and male-ism? No! You can't!

This company has been
making money for people

for over 100 years. This company--

Your father and I, we made
every decision together.

- Except when he would retire.

- Except that.

But for the past seven years,

we have made record profits. We've--

- Consolidated assets
and expanded our trading

into markets abroad.
- Yes.

- Looked into diverse portfolios

and repackaged those portfolios into the

sub-prime mortgage market?

- How did you know that?

- Went to Stanford. I'm not an idiot!

(laughs)

Okay, I can't work that
little intercom thing.

I don't know where the coffee
room is, but I'll get it.

- It's down the hall to the left.

- See? Progress.

Look Rudy, if you help me get
the company back on track,

I swear I will promote you.

- One month.
- Five.

- Two.
- Three.

- Deal. Shake!

- Could have had me at two.

- I know. Killer instincts.
I'm working on it.

(sighs)

I miss your father.

- He's only golfing.

- Oh shit!

- But he should be here.

- Yeah.

(rock music)

- Is it alive after the wrath of Rudy?

- Shut up, Quincy.

- I don't know what's going
to happen when I go in there.

I'll be honest. I love it rough.

- Be careful.
- Why?

- Wouldn't want you to pop an implant.

Do not mess, Quincy. Do not mess!

You can go in now.

(rock music)

(moaning)

- Which is why I think that the commercial

that Chase and the boys
came up with totally works.

You see Junior,

my presentations always
leave men speechless.

Jazz hands and show tunes
for that, Big Nancy.

- Quite a first day.
- Quite!

(piano music)

(birds chirping)

(phone ringing)

- [Senior] Hey son,
how was your first day?

- Hey Pop!
- Rudy warm up to you yet?

- Hard to tell.
- She's a real ball-buster.

- So is Quincy.

- Who? Oh no, son, when I say
"bull-buster", I don't mean--

- Are you in the back nine?

- Yeah, I'm getting used
to this. I really am.

Your mother was right.

- And usually is. Listen
dad, first day and all.

- Oh yeah, of course, of
course. Nice work, son!

I'm sure the whole company's
heard of you by now.

Hang on. Hang on a second.

- Dad!

Oh shit! Shit, shit!
- Yeah.

- Nice work.
- Thanks.

- But it was a bit "coitus interrupt-us".

- Just keep dangling the worm

and eventually the fish eats it.

- Well I'm not the one with the worm.

- Oh. Oh! I got your worm right here.

- Really? Because my fish is hungry.

- Oh, that's really good.

Because my worm--
- Oh, fuck it!

(moaning)

(laughing)

- Gonna get my worm out!

There you go! Ah!

Ahoo!

- Dude, you are like Tarzan!

(cheering)

(shallow breathing)

- I hear you.

- You have bronchitis, dude.

- [Wilder What's it to ya, punk?

- You have got to stop free
basing "Dirty Harry" movies

when you're alone.

- Hey! How was the first day
of the rest of your life?

- Hm?

- You know, working for the man.

- This is just temporary.

Are you naked?

- I am, as nature intended.

Glorious. Manly. Primal.

- [Junior] Naked! Had
enough naked for one day.

(plants rustling)

(Wall Street radio)

Hello Tina.

Oh--
- Crap!

I brought you some coffee.

- Crap, crap, crap!

Waverly!

My shirt.

(throat clearing)

You report on moving investments
from low-grade mortgages

to gold and new biotech?

- He read it?

- No. I did. Interesting trend!

- Not a trend, a fact.
Sub-primes are in a spiral,

down low, way low, Rudy.

Waverly and I are both for real

in investing these
sub-primes more than we have.

What's the man doing in there anyways?

Waiting for you to come
in and whip his ass.

You have to get him to
take this seriously.

Senior was ready to sign off on this

before he became a semi-retired golfer.

- Look, he's had like two
days to get up to speed--

- Are you defending him?

- No, I am not.
- Yes, you are.

What's with the hoodie?

You're all "apple-bottom
jeans, boots with the fur" now?

We gonna catch you ridin' dirty?

- Coffee spilled. Again.

Okay, I will have him read it.

- You better, Rudy. Because
if that H5 Bird Flu hits

and we're not investing in
the latest version of Tamiflu,

heads will roll.

- I need you to sign off
on these immediately.

- Gotta read 'em first.

- Oh, your father--
- Is not here, I am.

I have to read them all.

Look, Rudy, I know we
trusted you and everything,

but we're friends, right?
I got you coffee, right?

- Which is why I'm
wearing a hoodie, right?

- Sorry.

I'm not going to let my
secretary make decisions for me.

- Well thank you for making me
feel like I work in the 50's.

Here is your corporate card,
your engraved president's pen,

and a Rigby Junior bobble head.

Oh, and those papers,

prepared for you by the
Qwertys or secretaries,

or whatever it is you MBA
Grads like to call us,

also known as your I.V. League team

of Risk Assessment Managers,

who respectfully and submissively suggest

you sign off on them first
thing in the morning.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have some ironing to do.

(sighs)

- Shit.

- Pass it.

Okay, spill it.

- We hate the ad campaign. All of us.

- All the women.

- Except Quincy. She thinks
it makes her job easier

when she goes in for the sell.

They see boobs, they expect boobs.

Rudy, how do you think he's doing?

(harp strings)

I mean, I think he's okay.

- I'd like him better if
he'd approve our recommends.

- Junior, he's helpless.
All he's doing is reading.

I mean, maybe he'll be
caught up in a few months.

Maybe.

- I thought you were all,
"give him a break, Yaz.

"He's only been here a few days, Yaz."

Where's that Rudy?

- Baking a pie.
- What?

- I hate it, too.

- Chase loves it.

- Chase is a moron.

- To Chase...

(moaning)

- [All] The moron.

- Alright, onto the sub-prime question.

- Mm. That was a great earner.

- No doubt, but I think--
- Yeah,

that was my baby. Yes, sir.

You know I pushed that all to a head.

Big head. Very big.

Head. Me.

Boom, pow! You're welcome!

- Well, the reports I've read indicate

that we should divest and
expand into Gold Biotech.

- Sorry. Biotech?

(laughs)

Mad scientists!

Listen, Junior. Here's the
thing. You're getting all upset

about a few tiny downturns in the market.

These are regular fluctuations.

It will go back up.

I mean, everybody wants
to own a house, right?

I mean, home ownership.
That's the American dream!

- Wait, the Qwertys--

- Are a demographic
that's seen an increase

in 49% over the last five years.

- And the fastest
growing pool of net worth

over the same five years.

- Erica, do you still
have the original files

from the campaign?
- Yes!

- If we hurry, we can have it finished

in time for the big retreat next week.

- Okay, everybody on the down low.

- What?

- White people.

- It means keep it quiet.

- Keep it low.
- Oh! Keep it down low.

- Right.

- This last report from
Waverly and Yasmine--

- Are you kidding me?

You're going to listen
to a bunch of skirts?

- Skirts?

- You're going to let Team
Qwerty run the company?

Just like your daddy.

(beep)

(faucet running)

- Hey, let me help you with that.

Get out!

(laughs)

Hi! Listen, Junior.

I know you want to make your father proud.

I get that.

Ah. Fuck it.

Ooh, feisty! Me likey!

- Stay away. We'd never work.

- Erica! Grab your gear!

- [Junior] I'm not your type!

- [Rudy] Donald!

- [Junior] Rudy!

- [Rudy] Donald!

- The chances of you
actually using your equipment

are astronomical. I'd have
to calculate the difference--

- Girl, focus! Alright, look.

I need you all to stand up
and grab hold of this rope.

- [Rudy] I'm here, I'm here.
Get up, get up, get up!

- [Chase] I can't see anything!

- [Junior] Leave him behind!

(coughing)

- [Chase] Where am I?

- Don't ask.
- I wasn't going to.

- [Chase] I have popcorn in my eye!

- It's official. I'm out of clean clothes.

- Oh, sorry. You have a
little bit right there.

- [Rudy] Oh.

- Yeah and thanks for the, you know.

- Waverly!

- Dude. Just stop. Wilder. You
missed 'Nam by a decade, man.

- Yeah, but if it weren't for my bum knee,

I would have rocked in the coast guard.

Hey, do you have any wings?

- Frozen ones.

- Not anymore. I ate 'em.

- The stove is broken.

- I know, it's cool.

You just lay them out in
the sun on some tin foil

and get a magnifying
glass. Very satisfied.

Cave man style.

What? You didn't come home for lunch.

(growls)

(groans)

Feels good. C'mon, do it with me!

(growls)

(screaming)

- Yes, out of the holes,

we break forth and scavenge and forage.

From the manifesto that is
the old place of humanity.

(screams)

(sighs)

- I need a beer.

- Problem. Beer. No wings.

- Corporate card.

I always wanted to bone
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.

- It's the name. Mastrantonio.

Mas-tran-tonio.

Yeah, she's hot.

- Hotter than Viper?

- Oh, fuck no. Not a blonde.

Blondes are a lot of trouble, man.

My last lady was a blonde.

- And that was?

- Kindergarten.

- Hello, Donald Rigby Senior.
I mean, Junior's Office.

$100 for burgers, fries,
shakes, and chicken wings?

What's the address?

- Donald, what you see
before is the shell of a man.

I could have been somebody.

- Shut up, dude.

What about that script
you promised me, huh?

The one that was going to
make us both contenders.

- It's in the vault dude. In the vault.

- Okay, can you change that to pick-up?

I'll be there in 20 minutes, thanks.

Crap! I gotta go.

- Did you hear about Bear Stern's?

- What?

- He's gotta sign these papers.

- I'm on it!

- How about unlocking
the vault sometime, dude?

I had film school for three years, man.

- Researching, refining, honing.

I want to make sure what
you have in your hands

is an instant American cinematic classic.

I'm the Oliver Stone
to your Brian De Palma,

don't worry dude.

(laughs)

(door bell rings)

Wings-a! Wings-a! Wings-a!
Wings-a! Wings-a! Wings-a!

Wing, wing, wing-a, wing!
Wings, wings, wings!

- Okay. I'm coming.

I put everything on the--
- Card. I know.

They had to call me for the verification.

Especially after they
saw the delivery address.

I wondered if you had gotten
mugged on the way home.

Looks like a thrift
store threw up in here.

- Undergrad film school.

- Would never have guessed.

- Wings!

- Also from film school?

- Kind of. What are you doing here?

- You have papers to sign, Junior.

Yasmine and Waverly have already told me

that the portfolios have yet
to divest off the sub-primes--

- Slow down.

- You need to authorize the change.

Right here, see?

- I'm hungry. You hungry?

(soft jazz music)

("You're Too Pretty" by
D. Johnston & D. Liang)

- I'll feed it to you.
I'll feed it to you.

♫ All it really took was a
look from across the room

♫ I caught your eye
and I knew I was doomed

♫ To fall deeply for
the idea of you and me

♫ Together could I ever
make this dream come true?

♫ Imagine my sweet surprise

♫ When you said you felt likewise

- So yeah, they let me go to film school.

I just wanted to make movies.

- Did you ever make one?

- Yep. "Zombie Secretaries
from the Deep". Sci-Fi.

Went to the Dump Fraz Film Festival.

Anyway, they never picked it up.

- I'd watch it.

(snoring)

- What about you?
- What?

- Well you know my deal. What'd you do?

- I was the younger
sister. That's what I did.

- Huh?

- I got A's, I was on the debate team.

- President of the class?

- Treasurer.

- Of course.

- But I did invest our
student budget so well

that we were able to afford a
celebrity performer at prom.

- Who'd ya get?

- Carrot Top.

I know. I know.

- No, Carrot Top was huge.

At some point.

- Anyway, things kind of
went south from there.

My dad died and my
brother got into Harvard.

He was the son so--

- He went and you stayed at home.

- Put myself through city college

and helped out at the shop.

- What kind?

- Gelato.
- Gelato?

- No dairy, better for Asians.

- Oh.
- Still sweet, though.

- Yeah, you are.

- Is that? Oh!

- Yeah, he does that.

Dude. Wake up.

- Leaving, leaving, leaving now!

- Right.

(whispers)

- Papers tomorrow.

- Promise.

- See you in the morning.

- How do you take your tea?

- What?

- Going to change my mojo.

Mail room hasn't been doing
so great with the coffee.

- Right. I'll bring my own coffee

and I'll also bring a change of clothes.

(laughs)

Look, give me that promotion
and we'll call it even.

- You're stuck with me
for at least three months.

Manana.

- Chow.

- Dude. Guess what I just
found on the internet?

- Uh, porn.

- Obviously. But she looks
like Mary Elizabeth--

- Mastrantonio! Genius!

(Wall Street radio)

- Wall Street is in a massive panic today

as the market took losses

in the mortgages and sub-prime markets.

- Did he sign the papers last night?

Did you fax them this
morning, like I asked you to?

- Rudy. We needed to unload
about 30% of our sub-primes

before the market opened.

Did you sign them? Did you fax them?

- No. He said he wanted
to read them first.

I'll call him.

- Where is he? It's 9 o'clock!

- Oh, God. Pick-up, pick-up, pick-up!

(phone rings)

- Hey Rudy, what's up?

- Hi. Leeman filed for bankruptcy.

Did you sign those papers?

Because I have to get
them in front of the FED

before anything else happens.

The markets are going crazy.

- I signed them. They're just--

I forgot them.

- Where are you?

- Traffic. On the 405. Should
I turn around and get them?

- 405? It will take him over an hour!

- No, we do not have an hour. No.

That hairy guy, who lives with you--

- Wilder? He's not the most helpful.

I am the CEO, I will call him.

Wait. Can I sign them when I get there?

- Yes, I'll make another copy.

But Donald, have him send those papers.

Okay? Do it.

- There is no time. None, Rudy!

Our ass is totally on the line here!

- Waverly and I want
nothing to do with your ass.

- That's right. You're
going to get us all fired.

- We told you, Rudy. We
told you this is important.

This is what we do.

I'm a genius and she's a bonds trader.

We've been following this for weeks now.

- Well then why didn't you trade before?

- Cause that's not how
you make money, Rudy.

You wait until the last possible second

to make the most possible
money for the portfolio.

We analyze the risks
and now some idiot man

is going to fuck us!

- Not in a good way, fuck us.

Not long and hard and all sweaty

'till you can't possibly
come again, fuck us.

He's going to fuck us, fuck us.

- Yeah, with a chainsaw.

- Ew.

- I need more coffee.

(sighs)

(phone rings)

- Wilder, Wilder. Pick up the
phone you lazy mother fucker!

Stop watching the god damn movie!

They shoot him in the boat!

Wilder, it's a matter of life and death,

and little old lady pensions!

Michael gets offers he can't refuse.

Wilder, if you pick up the phone,

I will get you laid, you
virgin mother fucker!

- Oh Donald. Yes, what's
this about getting laid?

Uh-huh. Do we have a fax machine?

We do. Oh that's what that does.

Yeah. Sure.

I'll do it!

Now you promise I'm going to bust my nut?

Okay, okay. It was a fair
question. I'll find it.

Yeah, I'll find it!

(scatting)

Yes! I will get laid tonight!

Hello?

- You put it in backward.

- I still get laid, right?

- Put it in the other way! Do it! Do it!

- Okay.

(sighs)

- Yes!

(soft hip-hop beat)

- Oops.

I just spilled all over myself.

Looks like I'm gonna need
to take my shirt off.

- Rudy, could you come in
here for a moment please?

- [Rudy] I don't do three ways, Donald.

- Now, and bring some aloe. Stop it!

- [Rudy] Stop what?

- Oh, not you.

Stop it! Rudy!

- Down, girl. You, get off that desk.

You, this is an office. Not a bordello.

- I completely agree.
What is going on here?

Donald, get off that chair.

You, whore, off the floor.

Get me a coffee and the company directory.

I hope you're ready for some bowling

because heads are gonna roll.

- I'm in sales.

- Of course you are.

- You in the market?

Kinky.

Call me.

- Mother, I don't know what's happening.

I was just sitting--

- Our stock is down.

I understand you were
too busy to sign papers

because you live with some hairy man?

- [Rudy & Junior] What?

- Rudy, coffee now.

I had to drive here all the
way from Bel-Air, by myself.

I'm serious about that company directory.

I am disgusted with each
and every one of you.

Leeman's has fallen. Do
you know what that means?

It means panic. It means misinformation.

It means this is a golden opportunity

to grab the bull by the horn.

- [Junior] Which means--
- Which means

they'll probably be bailed out by the FED.

- Excuse me, that's highly unlikely

according to my calculations.

- Really?
- Yes.

- You're fired.

(scoffs)

- I'm a genius.

- Well, now you're an
out-of-work genius. Get out.

- Yasmine is correct, ma'am.

The FED already announced
that they're not bailing--

- Oh, you're fired, too.

In fact, I was going to tell everyone

on Friday when you couldn't riot,

but you are all indeed fired.

Except for you because, well,
you got us into this mess

and you let me know my son
is a gay man. Thank you.

And you, because we need more sales.

Now, everyone out.

- Excuse me, but I really--
- But what?

Now that you're all perky in that

"I'm in love with the boss" kind of way,

I'm going to keep you?

Well, I have eyes. Over my dead body.

You smell what I'm saying?

- Mother, Rudy and I, we're not--

- No, we really are not.

- Oh, Donald, enough! Now, everyone out.

But Rudy you can stay if
you get me a cup of coffee

and act like a good little girl.

- It appears I cannot stay. Ladies.

- Just a transition period
that will get all jobs done.

- Why don't you get rid of
everyone? Why not the whole book?

- [Mother] You simply have to understand.

All of these people have to go.

Upper management gets to stay.

- [Junior] Who is the
maintenance staff? You?

When is the last time you
picked up a toilet brush?

I'm leaving!

- In the footsteps,

but perhaps not as severe
as the Leeman melt down,

are the staff cuts at
Conglomerated Assets,

where what's being termed
a "New Brew Measure",

was taken by Ms. Antoinette Rigby,

who took her proxy power to
the extreme this afternoon.

Ms. Rigby, are we to conclude

from these recent wave of firings

that Conglomerated is
falling on its assets?

- No, no.

We are in perfect financial
condition at Conglomerated,

just as we have been
for the last 100 years.

But I felt, in order to
better serve out clients,

harsh measures had to be taken.

And of course we cancelled
our annual board retreat.

It would have been fiscally irresponsible.

- We are dead wood.
- [Waverly] Indeed.

- Oh the hell no.

Hey Wave, did they call you in for--

- Yes, they did. Thanks.
- Oh, right.

- Okay, spill it.

- Okay, I got a new job.
Well second new job.

This is just my day job.
I have a night job, too.

But anyways, I have a new
one. Day job, if I want it.

- We were fired an hour ago.

- I'm a genius. I gotta keep busy, yo.

I'm also a Sound Engineer
for an Indie label.

Got a single dropping next week.

- And you?

- I went to Brown. I
have a network of people.

- Great. I'm screwed.

- No you're not! You'll get another job.

- It's okay for you
executives. But I'm a grunt.

I've been an assistant for
seven years. Seven years!

What was I thinking?

- You were helping run the company.

Like really help run it.

You're a great Executive Assistant, Rudy.

Let me make some calls.

- I don't want calls made.

I don't want to manage someone's schedule.

I want my own schedule. I
don't want to make coffee.

I only want to touch that
crap if somebody else

makes it for me!

- Rudy, now's not the
time to try and leap frog.

You don't have the experience.

- I know that, genius!

- Hey, I was only trying to help.

Do you beat-box?

- You know what would have helped?

Leaving! Leaving would have helped.

The new, restructured ad campaign

that we were going to premier,

that would have helped.

Making a career move after
less than seven years,

that would have helped!

- Wait a minute.
- What?

- The retreat.

- That's right, it's already paid for.

- Non-Refundable. They
busted my ass over it.

- Then we'll go. Spend some
time on the company's dime.

We could do all that
stuff you wanted to do.

Executive stuff like facials.

- And massages.

(harp strings)

It's included, right?

- I know you all are taking me

on that retreat with you, right?

I could use a stone massage.

- Who couldn't?

- Plus before you can
get into any trouble--

- I can just re-wire the computers
and they can all go away.

- Exactly! We all in? Rudy?

- Yeah, fuck yeah.

- [All] Fuck yeah!

(spanish music)

- [Rudy] Wow!

- Donald?

(science fiction robotic beeps)

- Dude. What is the deal?

- I'm going away.

- Okay.

- You wanna come?

- Road trip?

Road trip!

(soft rock music)

This is amazing. I bet
they have great porn here!

It's a paradise. This is paradise.

What?

- Hi?

- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

- I paid for it!

- With my card!

- With your father's card!

And I was fired, so I deserve it.

- Yeah, you do.

Me, too.

- Us, too.

- Hi, Wilder!

- Oh. No, no, no, no,
no. No! No, no, no, no.

(throat clears)

- What?

- You look amazing.

I mean, who else is here?

- Erica, Waverly, Yasmine, and me.

We got here last night.

I've already had a stone massage,

a Swedish massage, and an herbal wrap.

- Well, I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to talk to you anyway.

- You did?

- You know the campaign you mentioned?

- Oh, right. Yes, the campaign. Hold on.

Here.

- Wow. It's, uh, light.

- The research is all in there, too.

I didn't have time to make it all pretty,

but it's totally sound.

- Okay, I guess we'll be going then.

- We're leaving?

- Oh, the master suite
should still be available.

- What room?

- Your father's. What would
have been your father's.

The master suite has two bedrooms.

- So.
- So.

- So, see you in an hour.

- Okay! Bye Junior.

- Um...

- Donald, right!

- She's your density.

- What?

- Your density.
- Okay, let's just go--

- Even Marty McFly had a density.

- So?

- Well he was a good
Michael J. Fox before...

- Oh, dude. So wrong.

- Hm. What's this charge?

- That looks like the retreat.

See? We already paid. Paid invoice.

- I'm going to miss my hot stone massage.

Hey, it's already paid
for. We should just go!

- That's right. No one has to know.

- But I already canceled it. On T.V.

- That doesn't matter. It's good P.R.

It's just a perception
that you cancelled it.

- The perception!

- Oh, dude.

- Don't tell me! I want to be surprised.

- Okay, well I'm going
to go do some reading.

By the pool.

- Whatever dude.

- Mmk. You do know that all
the sheets are Egyptian cotton,

don't ya?

- Really?

What's the thread count?

- What do you mean the suite
is not available? Who's in it?

- Donald Rigby, Jr.

- Oh, that's fine. I'll
take the other one.

Chase, Quincy,

don't call me 'til I've
had my herbal wrap.

- Bitch.

- Is there any way that
I could get the key

to Donald Rigby, Jr.'s suite?

He's my boyfriend and
I want to surprise him.

- Yeah, I'm kind of definitely
not supposed to do that.

At all.

Ooh!

- You can collect your own tip.

C'mon.

(moans)

- [Rudy] We see a
confident business woman.

We see a woman who runs her own business.

Strong business woman who are in control

of their own destiny.

Mary was right. You've made it after all!

And Conglomerated is here to help.

So?

- So...

- So what did you think?

- Don't leave a sister hangin'.

- You like, you no like?

- I like.

- Thank God! I'm sweating.

- My mother says, "women
don't sweat, they glow".

- Well then I'm glowing like a pig.

Listen Junior--
- Donald.

We should call him Donald now.

Now that he likes our idea.

We shouldn't just make him
an off-shoot of his father

when he's an--

- A what?

- An individual.

Look, we reclaimed the "Qwerty" thing

and made it a power thing,

and we should do the same
thing here for Donald.

- Donald?

- Yes.
- Mhmm. Okay.

Donald, do I have your approval

to upload this demo ad online?

- You can do that from here?

- Mhmm.

- Sure, why not? If it goes viral--

- It can serve as a soft-launch

for the official marketing campaign.

- C'mon Yaz.

- Well...

- Oh, look at the time!
I gotta go get an EK.

The stock market in Japan.

- I know.

- He went to Stanford.

- Right. Brown.

Well.

(laughs)

- I'm glad you liked it.

- Yeah, I like a lot of things you do.

- Well, it wasn't just me.
It was us. Everyone helped.

- Yeah, but it's great. So
nice. It's just better Rudy.

Better for the company,
better for the employees.

For us.
- Us?

- Well, for you. You know, as my new

V.P. of Marketing.

- What?

(laughs)

- Yeah.

(gasps)

(phone rings)

- Crap! Your mom is here.

She brought Chase and Quincy with her.

- You have plans for dinner?

- No.

- You do now. 8 o'clock. Fancy.

- Fancy?

- Mhmm.

(sighs)

Hey,

I am planning a special dinner.

- Yes, sir. How can we help you?

We're very discreet
here at the Hotel Zoso.

- Oh, good. I just wanted some candles.

- Wax on the nipples, bumping uglies.

Break it off on me, Daddy.

- Please shut up. I just want
candles on a table, okay?

A nice flower arrangement.
Perhaps a bottle of--

Mother! What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

They told me you took the better room.

- Oh, I came to relax.

All the lay-offs really stressed me out.

- Oh. Me, too. Let's unwind
over a nice bottle of Merlot.

- Ooh, Cougar! Rawr! Get it.

- I'd love to, really, but I'm detoxing.

As part of that, I am cleansing.

- You're what?

- Not eating. Like Cher. Or Madonna.

- Beyonce did it, too, in "Dream Girls"--

- Would you shut it?

Anyway, I'm going to
go meditate right now.

Goodbye, Mother.

- Well, if you hadn't dared me to.

- Oh, I dared you to?
- You dared me to.

- Listen.

You told me you were going to go in there,

grab that V.P. of Marketing
position by the balls,

and drink it deep.

Oh, and now you're here. Just waffling.

- I am not.
- Are, too.

- Am not.
- Are, too.

- Am not, to infinity!
- Damn it!

You listen.

Either you go in there and tie up Junior

in a compromising position, or I will.

- You will? You're all talk, no action.

- No, the reason I can't do it right now

is because I'm in a glycolic peel!

- Oh, don't worry about it Chase.

I got this.

- Well, you better, alright?

(sighs)

You are ruining my chakras.

- This hotel provides
services not on the menu,

am I correct?

- We do pride ourselves

on being a full-service establishment.

Amenities, and such.

- How much to service my son?

See, he's very tense because
he can't tell me he's gay.

- Really? Wait, really?

Cause I didn't get nothin'.

- Just found out, myself.

He's been living in L.A. with
some hairy man for years.

Right under my nose.

- He's a bear cub?
- Yes.

(gags)

Now, I've never met this hairy man,

but I do think Donald is
somewhat of a catch, don't you?

He could do better.

- Totally, yeah.

Wait, so what do you want me to do?

- I want you to go to his room
and blow away his tension.

As long as all of this is
handled with the utmost.

- I am the soul of discretion.

- Darling, I love you.

- Girl, I'm gonna suck a dick!

I know, I love this job.

- This is going to make
him rip your clothes off.

- Hello? He can't be ripping
my dress, that's my dress.

He can't rip it.
- Hello,

you think Junior is the ripping type?

- Probably not. Okay, Rudy,
no ripping of the dress.

Just a slow unzip, okay?

(soft rock music)

Waverly?

- [Yasmine] Yo, Waverly. Waverly, get up!

- No, I'm okay.

- Oh my God! What's wrong with you?

(squealing)

I'll hit you when you're sleeping!

- Chase, I can't do
the zipper in the back!

(groans)

Damn it!

- I'll have to do this one myself.

Never send a cougar to do a man's job.

(spits)

- Mother, I told you I'm fasting.

- And I told you that is ridiculous.

- I'm giving you another
minute, alright? That's it.

(gasps)

- Isn't that Madonna?

- What? No, I didn't see her.

- Oh, my mistake.

You're such a good son

to give your mother one whole minute more.

Would you get me a glass
of wine before you go?

(beeps)

- [Saleswoman] Hi, how are you today?

- Good, how are you doing?

- Good, thank you.

- Good.

- It's just dinner.

(snores)

(beeps)

(snores)

- It's going to be $30 for you, sir.

- Okay. Shit!

- Can you just put them on my room please?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

(beeps)

- Here, Junior, Junior.

(instrumental music)

(rock music)

I will drink your biscuit.
I will drink it down.

- Ah. Ah-ha!

Say hello to my little friend!

(groans)

(moans)

- I hope Donald tips him.

(Quincy moans)

- You really like me?

(soft pop music)

- Rudy!

- She's gone.

- Where?

- Don't know. Even if I
did, I wouldn't tell you

after she caught you boning Quincy.

- I didn't bone Quincy.

- That's not what she said.

- Who?
- Quincy.

- When?
- At the office.

- No, I mean now.

- What?

- I don't want to bone
Quincy, I want to bone Rudy!

That didn't come out very nice.

- Well then if it wasn't you, who was it?

(sighs)

- Wilder.

- Who?

- My roommate. The hairy guy
that faxed the paperwork.

- [Waverly] You expect us to believe you?

- Oh, believe him. He didn't.

You know although,

Junior, I would have really liked it

if you were a notch on my belt.

But I found something a
little bit more meaty.

(Wilder groans)

- Yikes. No offense.

- None taken. I found myself a wild man.

Oh, he is so big I can hardly walk.

Oh, come on, lover.

- Alas, Mateys. There she blows!

- Jeez. Tell me the appeal, would you?

- I bet he's all dirty and low.

- Mhmm.

- Ladies, focus. Rudy.

- She said something
about stopping at a dairy.

- No, girl. Dairy-free.

- Gelato. Okay, I'm out of here!

- Oh, not so fast! Where you going?

- To find Rudy!

- But you're gay.

- I'm not gay.

- You did the hotel clerk.

- What?
- Knew it.

- I'm not gay! What are you talking about?

- I sent the clerk to help
you get over that bear

you were living with.

- Where did you hear that?

- Chase!

(Chase laughs)

- Guess who had sausage for breakfast?

Ooh, tickle buddy!

- You should never
believe Chase, Antoinette.

He's been scheming to
take over the company

since the day he got there.

- Donald!

- Dad, what are you doing here?

- I like to keep tabs on your mother,

so I tracked her car.

- Donald.

- Well you should take it as a compliment.

I thought I'd show up and surprise you.

Plus, I want to say to you,

I saw your ad, the new ad on the internet.

I liked it.

- You did?
- Yes!

- I did! You're all getting promotions.

- No, they're not. They're fired.

- Antoinette, I am not arguing with you.

Do you remember when we first met?

The fire. The passion.

It was the night my dog died

and you were at the Four Seasons.

Sitting there at the bar, all alone,

like you had nothing better to do.

- So beautiful.

- And I walked up to you and you said,

"You don't look like a John", and I said,

"Because I'm a Donald.
So, would you ride with me

"in my jet plane to Las
Vegas and marry me?".

- And I said, "yes".

(laughs)

- You said, "yes".

And for the next 30 years,

you did whatever you wanted
to do and I never argued.

But now, I've got something to say.

I hate retirement. It's fucking boring.

- Dad.
- Totally fucking boring.

And I'm a terrible golfer.

So as of Monday, I'm
taking back my company.

Now, where's Rudy?

- She left.

- Well, are you man enough to chase her?

- Yeah.

- Then take the Porsche.

- But she is--
- Perfect for him!

And listen, if you play your
cards right and keep quiet,

you're going to have
gorgeous grandchildren

with a head for finance.

Now, what do you say we go get us

one of those nice seaweed wraps

and you give me a blow job?

- Mhmm.

- Donald, you're so naughty.

- I know, let's go.

(soft rock music)

- Komichiwa, Rudy-son?

- She speaks English and
we're Chinese, you dumb ass.

- It's freezing in here.

- It's a freezer, dumb ass.

- You called me that already.

- So what? Get used to it.

- I didn't bone Quincy. Wilder did.

- I know, I got a text. So?

- So...

- So now I'm just supposed to fall for you

cause you're cute and your eyes crinkle

at the corners when you smile?

- You think my eyes are cute.

- I didn't say that. I said,

"you would like me to think that".

- No. What I would like you to think

is that you are a gorgeous,
super sexy, super smart,

city college valedictorian,
who can make a mean

green tea gelato, just as easy as she does

a national ad campaign that's
already increased revenue

by 30% among clients.

- I did?

- You did. You totally did.

- Ah. Oh my God. I just love you!

- What?

- Nothing.

- You said you loved me.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- No, I meant--

- Dairy-Free. It's an aphrodisiac.

- What are you thinking right now?

- It's fucking hot as hell in here.

(kissing sounds)

Our focus is women.

- With their own money.

- Educated.

- Smart.

- And willing to take calculated risks.

- Conglomerated Assets
is ready to serve you

with a team dedicated
to your specific needs.

Heading the new Qwerty Division

of Conglomerated Assets are

Rudy Lee, V.P. of Marketing,

Waverly Thomas, V.P. of New Accounts,

Erica Jones, V.P. of Technology,

and Yasmine Rodriguez,
our Resident Genius.

- [All Four Women] We
are here to work for you.

- [Junior] And cut!
That is a wrap, people!

(cheering & applause)

Thank you, thank you.

I didn't think I could do it.

("Beautiful Mess" by David Thiele)

♫ I was out in this big blue world

♫ With the future wide open

♫ Standing right in front of me

♫ Everything I dreamed

♫ I could see it too clearly then

♫ 'Til you came along, met
me down on Lonely Street

♫ That was when I lost my beat

♫ Slow down

♫ One more step in every
single direction, love

♫ Just to make sure, love

♫ Won't stop 'til I cover every angle left

♫ To second guess such a beautiful mess

♫ Such a beautiful mess

- Woah, woah. Hold up.
Who is this mother fucker?

(moans)

Splat!