Original subtitles

[PRESIDENT TRUMP] So who are we thinking

for this empty Supreme Court seat?

I could probably do it myself.

Being president's more of a part-time thing for me.

Can you believe I get to pick three justices

who will set legal precedent for decades?

Hey, did I tell you about the time

on Celebrity Apprentice when I had a screaming match

with La Toya Jackson?

Oh, Donald, you've made me the happiest

little norm killer in all the smoldering land.

How 'bout I hold a press conference,

talk into one of them chocolate ice-cream cones

that makes my voice loud

and say, "Mitch McDonald's a hypocrite"?

Calm down, Joe. I've got my people

working on a set of decorative place mats

that say "Good Grief" over McConnell's face.

Love it, but is "Good Grief" too strong?

We want him to back down, not resign.

So, what makes you the best Supreme Court candidate

to let me remain president until I'm just a brain in a vat?

Look how hard I can pound a gavel!

Bam, bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

Senator Collins, your party is counting on you.

Sor... cutting... ow... please call... ate... er!

Listen up, Boomer scum.

You're gonna leverage every ounce of your power

to stop this, or I'm telling everyone

about your champagne aquifers.

I can't go back to vineyard bottled champagne!

I'm not a train-car hobo!

Put me on the court!

Me and Clarence Thomas would really hit it off!

Who doesn't love a pube prank?

You should see the mound I left on my ex-cousin-wife's dresser

when she flirted with the bathroom attendant

at the 9/11 Museum. It was so big,

she opened a window and tried to scare it out!

- Mitch, don't do this, please! - Mitch, don't do this!

- Mitch, please! - Mitch, please!

- Think of the hypocrisy! - [HUMMING]

Make sure the new justice is cool with me calling her

hilarious inside-joke nicknames like "Yarf"

that I can chant at happy hours!

Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Like so.

- [SOBBING] Please! - I'm going to stand

on the Capitol steps wagging my finger

at your photo back and forth like so!

- [HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYING] - Look at me! I'm a lunatic!

- [PELOSI WAILING] - Have I no mercy?!

Yarf! Yarf! Yarf!

I fricking love you, Yarf!

[SOBBING] I love you, Yarf!

On the off chance my finger wag doesn't work,

we may have to pack the Court.

Wowee! I choose Barack Obama

and that feisty chick who plays The Good Wife!

[SIGHS] Maybe we can count on Mitt Romney

to show some backbone.

Mitt, do we have your vote?

As the last maverick of the Senate,

I must do what's right... lay low for three days

before falling in line.

Bam, bam! Ba-ba-ba-ba-bam, bam!

Ted Cruz! Bam, bam, bam, bam!

So, anyway, Donald, just a pick a Jesus lady.

I'll jam her through in two weeks.

- Yeah, yeah, I know the deal. - [DEVICE CHIMES]

Hey. Where'd Ted go?

[COURT CRIER] All persons having business

before the Honorable, the Supreme Court

of the United States, are admonished

to draw near and give their attention,

for the Court is now sitting.

[CRUZ] Whoo-hoo! [YELPS] Hoo-hoo! Gah!

I got asbestos in my teeth, wig powder in my crack,

and I am ready to cut pre-existing conditions!

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...

- Whoo! Welcome home, Yarf! - ... bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...

??

[SCHUMER AND PELOSI] Don't rock the boat!

Don't rock the boat!

??

- Here he comes. Here he comes. - [EXCITED WHISPERING]

[ALL] Surprise!

[MCCONNELL] You guys! For me?

To Leader Mitch McConnell

for his life's work of goring Beelzebub's horn

through the heart of the middle class!

[ALL] Hear, hear!

Without your efforts, Americans could never dream

of going bankrupt from a root canal.

I owe you everything, MC Hammer!

I know Gorsuch is your favorite, and, yes, that absolutely hurts,

but I would die for you!

Say the word, and I will get blackout in your name right now!

Please say it!!

It has been the joy of my life to make over the Supreme Court

like it's my own personal Barbie doll.

To the next six years! Hear, hear!

- [GLASS CRACKS] - [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Oh, boy! Mitchell, this little taxpayer-funded

seven-figure soiree is for your final Senate term.

What the hell are you talking about?

Sounds like you've been living under a rock...

which is less fun than it sounds,

and old Ted Cruz has got the chipmunk bites to prove it!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! [BLABBERING]

[NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm Anderson Cooper, and it goes without saying

that this is a standing treadmill desk.

New polling suggests that many Republican senators,

including Leader McConnell,

could lose reelection over their ties

to an increasingly toxic President Trump.

Oh, change the channel. I've seen this one before.

This is different.

You let Trump get so unruly,

he's basically a big ol' stinky dog!

McConnell's blanket excusal of Trump's behavior

has finally led the President to abandon any sense of decorum

and revert to his most base instincts.

Today he hosted a state dinner

for French President Emmanuel Macron

and, once again, failed to behave like a human being.

He wouldn't stop eating pie off his guests' plates,

and he had to be put outside

while everyone finished their meals.

He's gonna lose us the Senate!

Especially if he signs that executive order

deputizing every Confederate flag.

Oh, relax.

I've got our bad, dumb, fat president

completely under control.

With the first Presidential debate just days away,

the question on everyone's mind is,

"Will Trump defecate in his podium?"

Oh, he has one productive bowel movement a month.

The odds are slim.

- For more on this week's debate, - _

I'm joined by the Democratic nominee,

Vice President Joe Biden.

Charmed to be here, Coop!

Hey, did you hear the one about the bucko

with the small boonga and the lady with the big goonga?

Not since we said hello backstage five minutes ago.

How is your debate prep going?

Oh, I don't monkey with all that.

I just shoot from the hip. Everybody loves Quick-Draw Joe!

With all due respect, sir, watching you speak off-the-cuff

is like watching a drunk guy roller-skate.

Take for instance your remarks today

before a group of Jewish leaders in honor of Yom Kippur.

Hey, buddy, where can I get one of your big chocolate-cake hats?

- You holler "yes" or "no", - _

and I'll list the game-show hosts I assume are Jewish.

Did you hear the one about the cantor with the small boonga?

You cut before I skunked the rabbi in a push-up contest!

And just a quick reminder to any DNC leaders at home...

there's still time photoshop Joe Biden

out of his own campaign materials.

??

[ALARM CHIRPS, GLASS SQUEAKING]

Mitt. Can I help you?

Oh, boy, you caught me.

I was hoping to buff your car clean then escape into the night

so I wouldn't get credit.

What do you want this time?

I told you I can't ban the use of the word "udders".

Now that you and you alone brought it up,

I'd love to be the Republican nominee for president.

We tried that in 2012, and you shit the bed.

While I don't appreciate the S-word,

thank you for not using the U-word.

It's not happening, Mitt.

Besides, Trump has a bill signing in the morning

that'll make him look more presidential than ever.

I'm not a ne'er-do-well pill-popper! Think about it!

[BIDEN] Was that white-haired seventh grader right?

Does Quick-Draw Joe, the fastest debater in the West,

need to learn to watch his words?

Sure I opposed bussing, but it was the '70s!

We were all burning bras and upholding segregation!

- [TAPE FAST-FORWARDING] - A lady who doesn't like a hug

should wear a pin on her boob that says "no fun".

So far, nothin' but net!

This debate's gonna be a piece of crabapple rhubarb pie!

Hey, what's this?

- Tonight's debate was another burst pipe - _

at the diarrhea factory for the Biden campaign.

Earnest question... how can any man capable of dressing himself

have such a porous verbal filter?

My guess... Biden was dressed by someone else long ago

and now sleeps in his clothes.

A damning assessment, especially coming

- from Chuck Todd. - What does that mean?

- [MAN] Has just changed more... - [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump!

- When was the last time you... - Trump!

- Hi! I'm MyPillow... - Upcoming here...

- ... multiculturalism... - Trump!

- Trump! - It was a dramatic day...

- Trump! - Reports...

- [SNORING] - Trump!

- [GASPS] Huh? Oh. - Trump! Trump!

- Trump! Trump, Trump! - What the heck is that?

Trump!

[MAN] Shut that president up, or I'm calling the cops!

[VEHICLE ALARMS BLARING, HORNS HONKING]

[MCCONNELL] I'm told the President will be here soon

to sign an executive order mandating

an F-16-enforced 3 p.m. curfew.

He's just wrapping up a, uh, 5-K sprint.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR] - There he is!

Let's take a look at that gold medal.

Did you lose a president last night?

He's about yay-high and answers to "Trump".

- Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! - He's mine.

[JILL] Why the long face, Joe?

I told you, not every sweeping crime bill

withstands the test of time.

I just know I'm gonna biff this debate.

But this debate is the most important fight of your life!

It could throw the whole race!

Then there goes my deeply personal

First Lady initiative on literacy or whatever!

Why can't I be like Barack?

That guy can pause between words without the next words

bumping into each other and starting a fist fight!

You can watch your words.

Remember how you learned to stop reciting

Cheech & Chong routines around Juli�n Castro?

To get it out of my system,

you made me recite them every morning in the shed!

Jill, will you help me get in debatin' shape?

Sure, yeah.

I still teach college English full-time,

but I can try to shift stuff around.

Hot dog and yella' mustard!

I'm gonna learn to debate without old ladies

saying "good heavens" and passing out in their soup!

??

I can spin anything except for a police officer

finding you eating a diaper behind the White House!

So you're flawed. Not all of us can be me.

For the first time, I regret aligning myself with you.

Mitch, you know where this is going.

I rile up the voters with some fun

call-and-response hate speech, and by November 4th,

you and me are joined at the stinky, gangrenous hip.

We're thinking of replacing you on the ticket

with someone whose name won't soon be illegal to print.

[GASPS] You wouldn't dare!

Besides, Antonio Sab�to Jr.

would never play in the Midwest!

No. [WHISTLING] Senator Romney.

What?! You know he gets off on upholding the rule of law.

You need to learn to act like

a domesticated human president immediately,

or you can say goodbye to the White House.

- Hmmmmmmmm. - And this pie.

[GASPS] Pie! I'll do the one with pie!

[MUNCHING]

??

[CONWAY] Welcome to Operation Act Normal

For One Freaking Minute.

Because I'm the only person who got you to stop

forehead-flicking Angela Merkel,

Mitch McConnell pulled me out of retirement

to be your instructor.

I should be fine as long as no one tempts me

to be a disgusting weirdo.

Hey, do youse guys know why I would've woken up

in the middle of the night and wrote this note?

Out! Out, out! No! Donald, tell him to leave.

What?! You didn't tell her Thursday's the day I come over

and we shove our faces in bowls of beef stew

and itch our backs on the furniture?!

Sorry. It's been a busy one.

Go away, Rudy!

You're a bad influence on Donald.

Alright! Geez! I'll go!

Donald, I convinced my girlfriend

to implant a third breast.

I'll call you for your credit-card info. Bye!

- [DOOR CLOSES] - Let's get to work.

[GIULIANI] Bunga pit! A pit for sex! Of course!

[JILL] To win this debate,

you just need to learn to think before you speak.

For practice, I've arranged a mock debate

with the easiest possible opponent.

While I didn't "make" my high-school debate team,

I did make my mom call the school and complain.

Oh, no! I feel prickly words pokin' at my voice box!

Just remember... think before you speak.

First question.

As president, how will you lower the unemployment ra...

Let kids enter the workforce!

They can crawl around on the floor

shining our shoes during meetings!

Mix your dad a drink. Get paid in tips.

That's a new tax base!

Just don't grow up and bellyache for free college.

You kids can pay your 280 bucks a year like everyone else!

[SIGHS] Chuck?

I, on the other hand, conversely,

will create a website where people can find jobs.

I'm just now realizing that many such websites exist,

but mine will have a mascot of a frog wearing glasses.

I did bad I think.

Perhaps the performer is less incapable

than his competitor is formidable.

Ohp. My shoes fell off.

[CONWAY] Okay. Let's practice some dignified President crap.

Pretend you're in a bilateral press conference

with the President of... um... Smarty Pants Land.

Wow! I thought Smarty Pants Land only existed in my sketchpad!

Mr. President, say something presidential.

Americans' most important issue is corruption in Ukraine,

which is why they must investigate Joe Biden.

No. That's why the Democrats impeached your ass, remember?

The only thing I remember is when they had to use a spatula

to remove me from the steam room.

Ugh. He's so stupid.

I'm not convinced he's human.

Have you checked for blowholes?

Every day.

Eric, talk about trade or some shit.

It's time for your closeup, old boy. I...

- [PRESIDENT TRUMP GROWLS] - Aah!

[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I know you have pie in your pocket!

[ERIC] Stop biting, and I'll gladly scoop it out!

Oh, I know how to handle him.

[JILL] Honey, I can't fix what's wrong with you in two days.

Guess I can forget my ceaseless personal mission

to promote child literacy or team sports

or whatever the campaign says plays best in 2024.

Hey, what'd you mean back there when you kept saying,

"Think before you speak, for Christ's sake,

the hell's the matter with you?"

Simple... before you speak,

take a second to think about what to say,

using your inner voice.

My inner I hardly know who, now?

Of course! That's it!

You've never paused long enough before blurting your blather

to hear your inner voice!

- Hold on! - [TAPE RIPS]

As president, how will you address

the threat of climate change?

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

I can't hear you, Joe!

So you might as well stop shouting

and listen to your thoughts!

[SHOUTING STOPS]

Ooh! [EXCITED MUMBLING]

What did you hear?

I was trying to propose installing a giant ceiling fan

on the moon's ass, then I heard a shouty guy in my head say,

"That's a fun idea but sounds pricey!"

Joe! That was your inner voice!

Holy crow! Where's my hammer? I'm just gonna scare him!

No, Joe, your inner voice is your friend,

and he's always there to help you say appropriate things.

- You just have to listen. - Wowee!

- I'm gonna name him Thinky! - Sure, fine.

Now we just need to find a way to keep your body occupied

so your mind is free to do its thing.

[CONWAY] Where do you think you're going?

It's been a few days since I've taken a piss

on John McCain's grave.

No! Bad President! Bad!

Jesus! Out of the way!

I really have to go potty!

Hey, hey, hey! President want a diet pill?

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Sit. Sit.

No. Come on. Give it to me.

Sit or no elevated heart rate

or bone-dry sinuses for the President.

I mean it!

[GRUMBLES] Fine.

Trump!

Patience. Patience.

Now you can eat your over-the-counter speed.

Oh, yeah! That oughta suppress your appetite.

Good president. Yes, you are.

Oh, my God. Why are you so damp?

??

[JILL] You're finally ready to practice

debating the self-proclaimed master of the form.

Just do what I do

and be the most eloquent orator of a generation.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Aw, geez! Did you hear that sentence?

He didn't say a single nickname

of a guy he once fought with a hubcap!

Your inner voice... sorry, "Thinky"...

will help you this time.

Just take a seat and distract your body

so you can focus your mind.

First question.

As president, how will you address illegal immigration?

One thing I will not do...

is throw asylum-seeking children... in cages.

Those kids... should be caged with their mothers.

Joe, your response?

I...

will...

boost...

border... security...

My God. He's out-pausing Obama!

... but... call...

the... wall...

"compassionate... fencing".

You did it, Joe! Not a blurt in the bunch!

The master has met his match.

If you need me, I'll be blowing out the bolts on my Peloton.

??

[PRESIDENT TRUMP BARKING] Trump! Trump! Trump!

How long does crate training take?

The veterinarian and presidential historian

agreed as little as one night.

Be a good president, and Mommy will be there in the morning!

[WHIMPERING]

[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump! Trump! Trump!

[BARKING] Trump! Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump!

Trump! Trump!

Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump!

Trump! Trump! Trump!

??

There's my baby.

Do you feel racist, sexist, or criminally undisciplined?

No. I just have to go pee.

And where do we go pee-pee?

- In the bathtub. - Good enough.

Oh, who's a good president?

I am!

[BIDEN] Gee, folks! This is pleasant, huh?

My noggin ain't felt so clear

since the dentist gave me happy gas

and bolted in my naturally perfect teeth!

Great! Now keep practicing so you can hear your inner voice

without squeezing wet mud.

[THINKY] Hey, there, Joe! �Qu� pasa, big papa?

[GASPS] Thinky! Is that you?!

Is TV worse now than back in the day?

Hey, close them eyes,

and let's hang out in your big ol' head!

[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]

? ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS ?

[TWINKLING]

Pretty neat inside your mind palace, huh, folks?

Really puts stuff in perspective.

It sure does, Thinky. I don't follow.

The troubles of life look pretty small

when you really think about 'em.

In a way, folks are just like little ants crawlin' on a rock,

floatin' through space, folks!

Whoa. You're so smart, Thinky.

Sorry I tried to threaten you with a hammer.

No prob, kemosob.

Just a drop in the bucket of galactic time.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

Man, oh, man! Thinkin's fun!

I wonder if I can think of a dog wearing a chef's hat.

Hey, who let you in the kitchen, doggy?!

[JAZZ TRUMPET PLAYS]

_

- I play the fife, you know. - Shut up, Mitt.

Trump has gone from beast to beauty.

And John McCain's grave has never stunk of piss less.

[SMOOTHLY] So, I was having dinner with George Clooney,

Jerry Seinfeld, and Fran Lebowitz

the other night, and Fran says to me,

"Donald, how do you stay so humane in such a crazy world?"

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

I polish off the crudit�s and reply,

"All anyone needs is a roof over their head,

a song in their heart, and a trumpet in their hands".

??

[ALL] Ooh!

??

Same time next week. This has been fun.

Wow! Looks like someone's getting another four years

of begging his wife not to divorce him.

Hey, Kellyanne, what's that?

Mr. President, we talked about this.

The old Donald Trump would pounce on that pie,

but the domesticated Donald Trump would certainly not.

Of course. I'm a smooth, suave president

who goes pee-pee in the bathtub.

And nothing will ever change that.

Code red. There's still a little piece of him in there.

In summary, the past, present, and future exist simultaneously,

and thus the perceived flow of time

is a load of codswallop!

Same question again... what's with the ponytail?

I'm a thinkin' man now, ignoring pointless fiddle-faddle

like haircuts and levity.

Dr. Biden, you led the Vice President's debate prep.

How did it go? I assume like World Wars I and II

having sex in a Burger King?

Really well... I think.

Tune in tonight 'cause Joe Biden's coming out swingin'!

Public debate is masturbatory!

Now that I think about it, I shouldn't be runnin'

for President at all! I should just sit in a meadow

and renounce my worldly possessions.

Will you excuse us?

Sure. Of course. It's just live TV.

You were supposed to stop shouting 1920s slurs

for Italians, not turn into Noam friggin' Chomsky!

Ain't it great? Everything's so dang interesting

when you think about it.

Whoa! I just thought of lizards!

You can't show up at the debate like this!

Don't you worry. I'm skipping the debate.

Gonna go check out that meadow off I-95.

You're gonna throw this election away...

and my First Lady initiative with it!

You're crippling the cause of literacy,

or team sports, or some crap!

When you think about it, First Lady initiatives

aren't all that important.

[GASPS] I have no idea what my initiative will be,

but it will be as important to me

as it is to the focus group that selects it!

I'll be at my sister's, feeling my eyes glaze over

a pile of personal essays

about my students' trips to Spain!

Are you okay, you mysterious genius?

Yeah, I'm just waterboarding myself with my own saliva.

That's cool. Baby want a diet pill?

I need that pie! [GROWLS]

Trump! Trump!

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] - Tru-ooh! Ugh.

Just lock him in the laundry room.

He likes to hump the dryer.

[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]

[CHAIN RATTLING]

Trump! Trump!

[GROWLS] How long do I have to stay here?!

Just till the general election.

After that, you can do whatever you want.

Mmm! This is delicious!

Hey, Mitch, you ol' pal, while Donald here is chained up,

what do you say we go have a spirited

fitted-sheet folding race?

Whoa! Mitch, I'm still gonna be the nominee, right?

You wouldn't dare leave me for someone

who's never had a good chuckle with the King of Saudi Arabia!

The presidency is too important.

[ROMNEY] Yeah!

[MCCONNELL] Mitt, get your goddamn arm off my shoulder.

? EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ?

[BIDEN] Foooolks...

Fooooooooooooooooooolks...

Huh! Achieving total nirvana kinda stinks!

Well, what do I do now?

Find another Bodhi tree to sit under?

I got ant bites up my cracker jack as it is!

[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]

Aw, crud! A coyot'!

I'd run, but I can't see diddly-zip with these specs.

Can't see without 'em neither!

Ah, Jill would know how to help.

[PRESIDENT TRUMP] You can't let it end this way, Donald.

Maybe if they were giving the nomination

to Diamond and/or Silk, but not Mitt Romney!

[GROWLS]

[GROANS]

[PANTING]

Come on, Donald. They can't chain you down.

You're an animal!

You have no complex thought! No sense of humor!

You're not above throwing your feces at a harmless onlooker!

Donald Trump laces his public speeches

with vulgarity...

bragged about his marital affairs.

At the same, he's called George W. Bush a liar.

The bullying, the showing off,

the absurd third-grade theatrics.

He has neither the temperament nor the judgment to be president.

A phony.

[GROWLING AND SNARLING]

I am not human!

- Trrrruuuuuummmpppp! - [THUNDER CRASHES]

[THINKY] So when you think about it,

a single-payer healthcare system

is the only humane option.

Joe, you listenin'?

Oh, sorry. Zoned out.

Don't think I missed anything important.

Joe, I can tell when something's on your mind.

I am your mind.

It's time we parted ways so you can win that debate.

But I thought the debate didn't matter

in the grand scheme of things.

It matters if it matters to folks that matter to you.

Your wife and millions of concerned citizens

are counting on you...

not to be a smarty-pants thinkin' man,

but to be a blunt-force object

that can finally knock out Trump.

But what if I get excited

and blurt out a bunch of boner-bloops?

Your unfiltered emotion is kinda the only thing

you got goin' for ya.

Besides, since when was Joe Biden

held accountable for his words?

Or his alleged actions!

[BIDEN SCREAMING]

[VASES SHATTERING]

- [DISHES SHATTERING] - Ah, that stupid...

[SCREAMING, HAIR RIPS]

- ?? - _

[ANNOUNCER] Welcome to the first debate

of the 2020 general election.

Good evening. I'm Chris Wallace,

the only Fox News host not yet denounced by the NAACP.

Tonight, rumors are swirling that Senator Mitt Romney

may replace the increasingly unruly President Trump

as the Republican nominee.

If true, we could see a bigger meltdown

than when Sean Hannity's divorce lawyer

called with bad news about the house in Aspen.

"I will restore the Republican party

to the dignity and sensibility of the Bush years.

Together we will build a better future for a handful of rich

70-year-olds named Charles. Thank yo..."

- [GROWLING] - Aaaaaah!

[ROMNEY] One of my shirt-tails is part-way untucked!

A reminder to the audience... please remain quiet

and hold your reactions until the very...

- [AUDIENCE SCREAMING] - Truuuuuuuuuuuuump!

I gotta stop covering my bases

by praying to God and Satan.

[GROWLS]

Welcome, and good God, Mr. President.

First question. What do you say to critics

who have called your response to the global pandemic

"sluggish", "inadequate"...

And I'm sorry. I'm distracted

by what looks like venom dripping from your teeth.

- Truuuuuuuuuuuuump! - Oh, dear.

See you in hell, Roger Ailes.

[BIDEN] Hold it right there, you loudmouth

piece of no-good scrap rubber blown in

from the ol' nonsense factory in the Polish part of Crapville!

You're gonna march back to that lectern

so we can jaw-joust like civilized fellas

with problematic blind spots, got it?!

[WHIMPERING]

Way to go, Quick-Draw Joe!

And no one's calling the Anti-Defamation League!

[THINKY] Wowee, buckaroo!

That was some mighty fine tongue-slingin'!

Gee, thanks, Thinky!

Oh, no! I'm listening to my thoughts!

I'm gonna go all namby-pamby again!

Trump! Trump! Truuuump!!

Don't panic, Joe. You thought up a plan for this, remember?

Blunt-force object! Beat it, inner voice!

Joe Biden don't need no thoughts!

I'll chase you all the way down through my ass if I hafta!

- Trump! Trump! - Get outta here, you...

I almost regret making oodles of cash off these guys.

I feel shame juice seeping into my ambition cortex.

What do we do, Mitch?!

I've got an idea.

[THINKY] Okay, geez. Thinky doesn't want any trouble!

I'll hit the road, kemosob!

And never come back, ya hear?! Thanks, buddy.

I'm really gonna miss ya. No, I ain't!

All you ever done was drag me down!

And enrich my life beyond my wildest dreams.

[HAMMER CLATTERS]

- Ugh... - Where's the pie, asshole?

- W-W-Wha... ? - No way a domesticated dork

like Mitt Romney would ever deign

to eat a full slice of pie in one sitting.

Where'd you stash it?

I'm... I'm gettin' s-sleepy...

Hurry up, or I'll loosen the knot on your tie

and send photos to your entire congregation!

[BOTH GROWLING AND SNARLING]

Fox News wants me to remind voters that at least Trump

hasn't spent this debate describing his genitals.

Quick... where are the diet pills?

He won't eat it! He just wants pie!

Put the diet pills in the pie.

That's why you're the puppet-master, Mitch.

Over here, you mysterious genius!

[SLOW-MOTION GROWLING]

[CHOMP, MUNCHING]

Mmmmm!

Oh, yeah. [GRUMBLING] Uh-huh.

To answer your question, Chris,

my critics are all Soros-funded operatives

who I will personally lock in solitary confinement

in the secret jail under the Smithsonian.

Huh. That series of grunts

appeared to be in the Queen's English.

Credit goes to President Trump

for not mentioning any ethnic stereotypes in his response.

[CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

[COOPER] Last night,

Vice President Biden proved that he doesn't need

to watch his words to beat Trump.

In fact, shouting a string of deranged threats

might be the only tactic that works on our beastly president.

It's good to have you back, my lovable liability!

Thank god we no longer live in an age

of collegially behaved presidents!

Yeah, America might finally be uncivilized enough

to elect Joe Biden!

Thanks for all your back-breaking instruction

that I've completely thrown out.

My pleasure, honey.

Say, I've got eight hours of Twelfth Night

PowerPoint presentations to click through.

Wanna give me a hand?

Nah.

[MCCONNELL] Mr. President, I forgive you

for trying to eat Chris Wallace.

Actually, snap polls show your base

really responded to the threat of violence.

Do I look like a guy who doesn't know what he's doing?

Just keep taking your diet pills,

and I promise to keep my wagon hitched

to your filthy, squealing hog truck through Election Day.

You're an unsympathetic subhuman beast,

and that's why you're our top Republican.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[GIULIANI] Donald! Come quick! I dug a bunga pit!

Wanna watch me hump my way out?

[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, can I, Mitch?

- Can I, can I, can I, can I?! - [MCCONNELL] Oh... I suppose.

- [GIULIANI] Alright! - [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Yay!

['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? Yes, he is, we elected him president ?

? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

? Yes, he is ?

? We had a vote and elected him president ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump ?

? He is our president ?

? We made him president ?

? We did it ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? We elected Donald Trump ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Donald Trump is the president ?

? Yeah ?

Trump!