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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] So who are we thinking
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for this empty Supreme Court seat?
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I could probably do it myself.
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Being president's more of
a part-time thing for me.
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Can you believe I get
to pick three justices
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who will set legal
precedent for decades?
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Hey, did I tell you about the time
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on Celebrity Apprentice
when I had a screaming match
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with La Toya Jackson?
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Oh, Donald, you've made me the happiest
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little norm killer in
all the smoldering land.
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How 'bout I hold a press conference,
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talk into one of them
chocolate ice-cream cones
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that makes my voice loud
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and say, "Mitch McDonald's a hypocrite"?
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Calm down, Joe. I've got my people
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working on a set of
decorative place mats
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that say "Good Grief"
over McConnell's face.
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Love it, but is "Good Grief" too strong?
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We want him to back down, not resign.
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So, what makes you the
best Supreme Court candidate
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to let me remain president
until I'm just a brain in a vat?
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Look how hard I can pound a gavel!
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Bam, bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
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Senator Collins, your
party is counting on you.
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Sor... cutting... ow...
please call... ate... er!
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Listen up, Boomer scum.
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You're gonna leverage
every ounce of your power
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to stop this, or I'm telling everyone
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about your champagne aquifers.
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I can't go back to vineyard
bottled champagne!
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I'm not a train-car hobo!
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Put me on the court!
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Me and Clarence Thomas
would really hit it off!
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Who doesn't love a pube prank?
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You should see the mound I left
on my ex-cousin-wife's dresser
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when she flirted with
the bathroom attendant
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at the 9/11 Museum. It was so big,
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she opened a window and
tried to scare it out!
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- Mitch, don't do this, please!
- Mitch, don't do this!
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- Mitch, please!
- Mitch, please!
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- Think of the hypocrisy!
- [HUMMING]
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Make sure the new justice
is cool with me calling her
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hilarious inside-joke
nicknames like "Yarf"
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that I can chant at happy hours!
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Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Like so.
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- [SOBBING] Please!
- I'm going to stand
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on the Capitol steps wagging my finger
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at your photo back and forth like so!
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- [HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Look at me! I'm a lunatic!
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- [PELOSI WAILING]
- Have I no mercy?!
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Yarf! Yarf! Yarf!
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I fricking love you, Yarf!
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[SOBBING] I love you, Yarf!
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On the off chance my
finger wag doesn't work,
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we may have to pack the Court.
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Wowee! I choose Barack Obama
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and that feisty chick
who plays The Good Wife!
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[SIGHS] Maybe we can
count on Mitt Romney
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to show some backbone.
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Mitt, do we have your vote?
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As the last maverick of the Senate,
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I must do what's right...
lay low for three days
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before falling in line.
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Bam, bam! Ba-ba-ba-ba-bam, bam!
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Ted Cruz! Bam, bam, bam, bam!
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So, anyway, Donald,
just a pick a Jesus lady.
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I'll jam her through in two weeks.
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- Yeah, yeah, I know the deal.
- [DEVICE CHIMES]
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Hey. Where'd Ted go?
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[COURT CRIER] All
persons having business
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before the Honorable, the Supreme Court
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of the United States, are admonished
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to draw near and give their attention,
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for the Court is now sitting.
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[CRUZ] Whoo-hoo! [YELPS] Hoo-hoo! Gah!
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I got asbestos in my teeth,
wig powder in my crack,
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and I am ready to cut
pre-existing conditions!
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Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...
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- Whoo! Welcome home, Yarf!
- ... bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...
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??
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[SCHUMER AND PELOSI]
Don't rock the boat!
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Don't rock the boat!
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??
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- Here he comes. Here he comes.
- [EXCITED WHISPERING]
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[ALL] Surprise!
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[MCCONNELL] You guys! For me?
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To Leader Mitch McConnell
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for his life's work of
goring Beelzebub's horn
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through the heart of the middle class!
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[ALL] Hear, hear!
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Without your efforts,
Americans could never dream
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of going bankrupt from a root canal.
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I owe you everything, MC Hammer!
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I know Gorsuch is your favorite,
and, yes, that absolutely hurts,
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but I would die for you!
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Say the word, and I will get
blackout in your name right now!
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Please say it!!
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It has been the joy of my life
to make over the Supreme Court
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like it's my own personal Barbie doll.
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To the next six years! Hear, hear!
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- [GLASS CRACKS]
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
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Oh, boy! Mitchell, this
little taxpayer-funded
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seven-figure soiree is
for your final Senate term.
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What the hell are you talking about?
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Sounds like you've been
living under a rock...
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which is less fun than it sounds,
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and old Ted Cruz has got the
chipmunk bites to prove it!
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Ow, ow, ow, ow! [BLABBERING]
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[NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
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I'm Anderson Cooper, and
it goes without saying
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that this is a standing treadmill desk.
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New polling suggests that
many Republican senators,
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including Leader McConnell,
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could lose reelection over their ties
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to an increasingly
toxic President Trump.
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Oh, change the channel.
I've seen this one before.
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This is different.
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You let Trump get so unruly,
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he's basically a big ol' stinky dog!
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McConnell's blanket
excusal of Trump's behavior
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has finally led the President
to abandon any sense of decorum
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and revert to his most base instincts.
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Today he hosted a state dinner
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for French President Emmanuel Macron
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and, once again, failed to
behave like a human being.
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He wouldn't stop eating
pie off his guests' plates,
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and he had to be put outside
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while everyone finished their meals.
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He's gonna lose us the Senate!
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Especially if he signs
that executive order
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deputizing every Confederate flag.
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Oh, relax.
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I've got our bad, dumb, fat president
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completely under control.
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With the first Presidential
debate just days away,
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the question on everyone's mind is,
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"Will Trump defecate in his podium?"
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Oh, he has one productive
bowel movement a month.
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The odds are slim.
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- For more on this week's debate,
- _
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I'm joined by the Democratic nominee,
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Vice President Joe Biden.
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Charmed to be here, Coop!
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Hey, did you hear the
one about the bucko
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with the small boonga and
the lady with the big goonga?
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Not since we said hello
backstage five minutes ago.
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How is your debate prep going?
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Oh, I don't monkey with all that.
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I just shoot from the hip.
Everybody loves Quick-Draw Joe!
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With all due respect, sir,
watching you speak off-the-cuff
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is like watching a
drunk guy roller-skate.
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Take for instance your remarks today
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before a group of Jewish leaders
in honor of Yom Kippur.
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Hey, buddy, where can I get one
of your big chocolate-cake hats?
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- You holler "yes" or "no",
- _
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and I'll list the game-show
hosts I assume are Jewish.
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Did you hear the one about the
cantor with the small boonga?
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You cut before I skunked the
rabbi in a push-up contest!
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And just a quick reminder
to any DNC leaders at home...
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there's still time photoshop Joe Biden
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out of his own campaign materials.
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??
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[ALARM CHIRPS, GLASS SQUEAKING]
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Mitt. Can I help you?
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Oh, boy, you caught me.
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I was hoping to buff your car
clean then escape into the night
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so I wouldn't get credit.
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What do you want this time?
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I told you I can't ban the
use of the word "udders".
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Now that you and you
alone brought it up,
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I'd love to be the Republican
nominee for president.
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We tried that in 2012,
and you shit the bed.
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While I don't appreciate the S-word,
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thank you for not using the U-word.
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It's not happening, Mitt.
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Besides, Trump has a bill
signing in the morning
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that'll make him look more
presidential than ever.
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I'm not a ne'er-do-well
pill-popper! Think about it!
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[BIDEN] Was that white-haired
seventh grader right?
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Does Quick-Draw Joe, the
fastest debater in the West,
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need to learn to watch his words?
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Sure I opposed bussing,
but it was the '70s!
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We were all burning bras
and upholding segregation!
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- [TAPE FAST-FORWARDING]
- A lady who doesn't like a hug
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should wear a pin on her
boob that says "no fun".
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So far, nothin' but net!
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This debate's gonna be a
piece of crabapple rhubarb pie!
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Hey, what's this?
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- Tonight's debate was another burst pipe
- _
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at the diarrhea factory
for the Biden campaign.
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Earnest question... how can any
man capable of dressing himself
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have such a porous verbal filter?
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My guess... Biden was dressed
by someone else long ago
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and now sleeps in his clothes.
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A damning assessment, especially coming
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- from Chuck Todd.
- What does that mean?
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- [MAN] Has just changed more...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump!
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- When was the last time you...
- Trump!
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- Hi! I'm MyPillow...
- Upcoming here...
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- ... multiculturalism...
- Trump!
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- Trump!
- It was a dramatic day...
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- Trump!
- Reports...
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- [SNORING]
- Trump!
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- [GASPS] Huh? Oh.
- Trump! Trump!
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- Trump! Trump, Trump!
- What the heck is that?
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Trump!
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[MAN] Shut that president
up, or I'm calling the cops!
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[VEHICLE ALARMS BLARING, HORNS HONKING]
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[MCCONNELL] I'm told the
President will be here soon
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to sign an executive order mandating
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an F-16-enforced 3 p.m. curfew.
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He's just wrapping up a, uh, 5-K sprint.
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- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- There he is!
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Let's take a look at that gold medal.
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Did you lose a president last night?
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He's about yay-high
and answers to "Trump".
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- Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Mitch!
- He's mine.
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[JILL] Why the long face, Joe?
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I told you, not every
sweeping crime bill
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withstands the test of time.
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00:08:04,660 --> 00:08:07,042
I just know I'm gonna biff this debate.
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But this debate is the most
important fight of your life!
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It could throw the whole race!
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00:08:11,092 --> 00:08:12,733
Then there goes my deeply personal
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First Lady initiative
on literacy or whatever!
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Why can't I be like Barack?
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00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:19,325
That guy can pause between
words without the next words
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bumping into each other
and starting a fist fight!
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You can watch your words.
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Remember how you
learned to stop reciting
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Cheech & Chong routines
around Juli�n Castro?
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To get it out of my system,
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you made me recite them
every morning in the shed!
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Jill, will you help me
get in debatin' shape?
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Sure, yeah.
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I still teach college English full-time,
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but I can try to shift stuff around.
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Hot dog and yella' mustard!
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I'm gonna learn to
debate without old ladies
242
00:08:43,873 --> 00:08:46,875
saying "good heavens" and
passing out in their soup!
243
00:08:46,877 --> 00:08:48,258
??
244
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:51,223
I can spin anything
except for a police officer
245
00:08:51,225 --> 00:08:53,828
finding you eating a diaper
behind the White House!
246
00:08:53,830 --> 00:08:55,952
So you're flawed. Not
all of us can be me.
247
00:08:55,954 --> 00:08:58,917
For the first time, I regret
aligning myself with you.
248
00:08:58,919 --> 00:09:00,701
Mitch, you know where this is going.
249
00:09:00,703 --> 00:09:02,624
I rile up the voters with some fun
250
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:05,349
call-and-response hate
speech, and by November 4th,
251
00:09:05,351 --> 00:09:08,074
you and me are joined at
the stinky, gangrenous hip.
252
00:09:08,076 --> 00:09:10,518
We're thinking of
replacing you on the ticket
253
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,765
with someone whose name
won't soon be illegal to print.
254
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:15,568
[GASPS] You wouldn't dare!
255
00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:17,711
Besides, Antonio Sab�to Jr.
256
00:09:17,713 --> 00:09:19,515
would never play in the Midwest!
257
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,219
No. [WHISTLING] Senator Romney.
258
00:09:21,221 --> 00:09:24,004
What?! You know he gets off
on upholding the rule of law.
259
00:09:24,006 --> 00:09:25,730
You need to learn to act like
260
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:29,455
a domesticated human
president immediately,
261
00:09:29,457 --> 00:09:31,738
or you can say goodbye
to the White House.
262
00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:33,522
- Hmmmmmmmm.
- And this pie.
263
00:09:33,524 --> 00:09:35,624
[GASPS] Pie! I'll do the one with pie!
264
00:09:35,626 --> 00:09:38,187
[MUNCHING]
265
00:09:38,189 --> 00:09:41,672
??
266
00:09:41,674 --> 00:09:44,082
[CONWAY] Welcome to Operation Act Normal
267
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,478
For One Freaking Minute.
268
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,721
Because I'm the only person
who got you to stop
269
00:09:47,723 --> 00:09:49,383
forehead-flicking Angela Merkel,
270
00:09:49,385 --> 00:09:51,286
Mitch McConnell pulled
me out of retirement
271
00:09:51,288 --> 00:09:52,688
to be your instructor.
272
00:09:52,690 --> 00:09:54,530
I should be fine as long
as no one tempts me
273
00:09:54,532 --> 00:09:56,093
to be a disgusting weirdo.
274
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,496
Hey, do youse guys know
why I would've woken up
275
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,739
in the middle of the night
and wrote this note?
276
00:10:00,741 --> 00:10:03,703
Out! Out, out! No!
Donald, tell him to leave.
277
00:10:03,705 --> 00:10:06,387
What?! You didn't tell her
Thursday's the day I come over
278
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:08,314
and we shove our faces
in bowls of beef stew
279
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,192
and itch our backs on the furniture?!
280
00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:11,835
Sorry. It's been a busy one.
281
00:10:11,837 --> 00:10:13,317
Go away, Rudy!
282
00:10:13,319 --> 00:10:15,200
You're a bad influence on Donald.
283
00:10:15,202 --> 00:10:17,073
Alright! Geez! I'll go!
284
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,925
Donald, I convinced my girlfriend
285
00:10:18,927 --> 00:10:20,228
to implant a third breast.
286
00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:22,953
I'll call you for your
credit-card info. Bye!
287
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:24,716
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Let's get to work.
288
00:10:24,718 --> 00:10:27,817
[GIULIANI] Bunga pit!
A pit for sex! Of course!
289
00:10:27,819 --> 00:10:29,860
[JILL] To win this debate,
290
00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:32,664
you just need to learn
to think before you speak.
291
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:35,268
For practice, I've
arranged a mock debate
292
00:10:35,270 --> 00:10:37,551
with the easiest possible opponent.
293
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,273
While I didn't "make" my
high-school debate team,
294
00:10:39,275 --> 00:10:41,396
I did make my mom call
the school and complain.
295
00:10:41,398 --> 00:10:44,361
Oh, no! I feel prickly words
pokin' at my voice box!
296
00:10:44,363 --> 00:10:46,939
Just remember... think before you speak.
297
00:10:46,941 --> 00:10:48,022
First question.
298
00:10:48,024 --> 00:10:50,770
As president, how will you
lower the unemployment ra...
299
00:10:50,772 --> 00:10:52,233
Let kids enter the workforce!
300
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,293
They can crawl around on the floor
301
00:10:53,295 --> 00:10:54,655
shining our shoes during meetings!
302
00:10:54,657 --> 00:10:56,217
Mix your dad a drink. Get paid in tips.
303
00:10:56,219 --> 00:10:57,359
That's a new tax base!
304
00:10:57,361 --> 00:10:59,382
Just don't grow up and
bellyache for free college.
305
00:10:59,384 --> 00:11:02,546
You kids can pay your 280 bucks
a year like everyone else!
306
00:11:02,548 --> 00:11:03,828
[SIGHS] Chuck?
307
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,430
I, on the other hand, conversely,
308
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:08,194
will create a website
where people can find jobs.
309
00:11:08,196 --> 00:11:10,798
I'm just now realizing that
many such websites exist,
310
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,263
but mine will have a mascot
of a frog wearing glasses.
311
00:11:13,265 --> 00:11:14,746
I did bad I think.
312
00:11:14,748 --> 00:11:16,906
Perhaps the performer is less incapable
313
00:11:16,908 --> 00:11:18,843
than his competitor is formidable.
314
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,211
Ohp. My shoes fell off.
315
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:23,736
[CONWAY] Okay. Let's practice
some dignified President crap.
316
00:11:23,738 --> 00:11:25,859
Pretend you're in a
bilateral press conference
317
00:11:25,861 --> 00:11:29,224
with the President of...
um... Smarty Pants Land.
318
00:11:29,226 --> 00:11:33,149
Wow! I thought Smarty Pants Land
only existed in my sketchpad!
319
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,814
Mr. President, say
something presidential.
320
00:11:35,816 --> 00:11:39,060
Americans' most important
issue is corruption in Ukraine,
321
00:11:39,062 --> 00:11:41,665
which is why they must
investigate Joe Biden.
322
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,910
No. That's why the Democrats
impeached your ass, remember?
323
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:47,394
The only thing I remember is
when they had to use a spatula
324
00:11:47,396 --> 00:11:48,878
to remove me from the steam room.
325
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,774
Ugh. He's so stupid.
326
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,638
I'm not convinced he's human.
327
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,201
Have you checked for blowholes?
328
00:11:54,203 --> 00:11:55,324
Every day.
329
00:11:55,326 --> 00:11:57,590
Eric, talk about trade or some shit.
330
00:11:57,592 --> 00:12:00,348
It's time for your
closeup, old boy. I...
331
00:12:00,350 --> 00:12:01,591
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP GROWLS]
- Aah!
332
00:12:01,593 --> 00:12:03,455
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I know
you have pie in your pocket!
333
00:12:03,457 --> 00:12:05,805
[ERIC] Stop biting, and
I'll gladly scoop it out!
334
00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:08,787
Oh, I know how to handle him.
335
00:12:08,789 --> 00:12:12,834
[JILL] Honey, I can't fix what's
wrong with you in two days.
336
00:12:12,836 --> 00:12:15,238
Guess I can forget my
ceaseless personal mission
337
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,803
to promote child literacy or team sports
338
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:20,688
or whatever the campaign
says plays best in 2024.
339
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:22,738
Hey, what'd you mean back
there when you kept saying,
340
00:12:22,740 --> 00:12:24,482
"Think before you speak,
for Christ's sake,
341
00:12:24,484 --> 00:12:25,623
the hell's the matter with you?"
342
00:12:25,625 --> 00:12:27,367
Simple... before you speak,
343
00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:29,892
take a second to think
about what to say,
344
00:12:29,894 --> 00:12:31,555
using your inner voice.
345
00:12:31,557 --> 00:12:33,675
My inner I hardly know who, now?
346
00:12:33,677 --> 00:12:35,297
Of course! That's it!
347
00:12:35,299 --> 00:12:38,663
You've never paused long enough
before blurting your blather
348
00:12:38,665 --> 00:12:40,278
to hear your inner voice!
349
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,680
- Hold on!
- [TAPE RIPS]
350
00:12:41,682 --> 00:12:43,883
As president, how will you address
351
00:12:43,885 --> 00:12:45,566
the threat of climate change?
352
00:12:45,568 --> 00:12:46,847
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
353
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,410
I can't hear you, Joe!
354
00:12:48,412 --> 00:12:50,533
So you might as well stop shouting
355
00:12:50,535 --> 00:12:52,896
and listen to your thoughts!
356
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:53,919
[SHOUTING STOPS]
357
00:12:53,921 --> 00:12:55,940
Ooh! [EXCITED MUMBLING]
358
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,583
What did you hear?
359
00:12:57,585 --> 00:13:00,346
I was trying to propose
installing a giant ceiling fan
360
00:13:00,348 --> 00:13:03,072
on the moon's ass, then I heard
a shouty guy in my head say,
361
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:05,295
"That's a fun idea but sounds pricey!"
362
00:13:05,297 --> 00:13:07,597
Joe! That was your inner voice!
363
00:13:07,599 --> 00:13:10,561
Holy crow! Where's my hammer?
I'm just gonna scare him!
364
00:13:10,563 --> 00:13:13,525
No, Joe, your inner
voice is your friend,
365
00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:16,770
and he's always there to help
you say appropriate things.
366
00:13:16,772 --> 00:13:19,133
- You just have to listen.
- Wowee!
367
00:13:19,135 --> 00:13:21,576
- I'm gonna name him Thinky!
- Sure, fine.
368
00:13:21,578 --> 00:13:24,913
Now we just need to find a way
to keep your body occupied
369
00:13:24,915 --> 00:13:28,517
so your mind is free to do its thing.
370
00:13:28,519 --> 00:13:30,641
[CONWAY] Where do you
think you're going?
371
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,333
It's been a few days
since I've taken a piss
372
00:13:32,335 --> 00:13:33,796
on John McCain's grave.
373
00:13:33,798 --> 00:13:35,515
No! Bad President! Bad!
374
00:13:35,517 --> 00:13:36,998
Jesus! Out of the way!
375
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,400
I really have to go potty!
376
00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:41,485
Hey, hey, hey! President
want a diet pill?
377
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,728
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!
378
00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:45,450
Sit. Sit.
379
00:13:45,452 --> 00:13:47,693
No. Come on. Give it to me.
380
00:13:47,695 --> 00:13:49,616
Sit or no elevated heart rate
381
00:13:49,618 --> 00:13:51,739
or bone-dry sinuses for the President.
382
00:13:51,741 --> 00:13:53,221
I mean it!
383
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,825
[GRUMBLES] Fine.
384
00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:56,988
Trump!
385
00:13:56,990 --> 00:14:00,471
Patience. Patience.
386
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:03,115
Now you can eat your
over-the-counter speed.
387
00:14:03,117 --> 00:14:06,079
Oh, yeah! That oughta
suppress your appetite.
388
00:14:06,081 --> 00:14:08,002
Good president. Yes, you are.
389
00:14:08,004 --> 00:14:10,325
Oh, my God. Why are you so damp?
390
00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,807
??
391
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,650
[JILL] You're finally ready to practice
392
00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:16,515
debating the self-proclaimed
master of the form.
393
00:14:16,517 --> 00:14:17,598
Just do what I do
394
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,538
and be the most eloquent
orator of a generation.
395
00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:20,860
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
396
00:14:20,862 --> 00:14:22,703
Aw, geez! Did you hear that sentence?
397
00:14:22,705 --> 00:14:24,225
He didn't say a single nickname
398
00:14:24,227 --> 00:14:26,107
of a guy he once fought with a hubcap!
399
00:14:26,109 --> 00:14:28,511
Your inner voice... sorry, "Thinky"...
400
00:14:28,513 --> 00:14:29,993
will help you this time.
401
00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:32,677
Just take a seat and distract your body
402
00:14:32,679 --> 00:14:35,601
so you can focus your mind.
403
00:14:35,603 --> 00:14:36,804
First question.
404
00:14:36,806 --> 00:14:40,247
As president, how will you
address illegal immigration?
405
00:14:40,249 --> 00:14:41,809
One thing I will not do...
406
00:14:41,811 --> 00:14:44,974
is throw asylum-seeking
children... in cages.
407
00:14:44,976 --> 00:14:47,778
Those kids... should be
caged with their mothers.
408
00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:50,382
Joe, your response?
409
00:14:50,384 --> 00:14:52,145
I...
410
00:14:52,147 --> 00:14:54,149
will...
411
00:14:54,151 --> 00:14:55,632
boost...
412
00:14:55,634 --> 00:14:58,637
border... security...
413
00:14:58,639 --> 00:15:01,843
My God. He's out-pausing Obama!
414
00:15:01,845 --> 00:15:03,887
... but... call...
415
00:15:03,889 --> 00:15:06,685
the... wall...
416
00:15:06,687 --> 00:15:09,488
"compassionate... fencing".
417
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:12,813
You did it, Joe! Not
a blurt in the bunch!
418
00:15:12,815 --> 00:15:14,696
The master has met his match.
419
00:15:14,698 --> 00:15:17,179
If you need me, I'll be blowing
out the bolts on my Peloton.
420
00:15:17,181 --> 00:15:18,541
??
421
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,584
[PRESIDENT TRUMP BARKING]
Trump! Trump! Trump!
422
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,428
How long does crate training take?
423
00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:24,672
The veterinarian and
presidential historian
424
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,213
agreed as little as one night.
425
00:15:26,215 --> 00:15:30,240
Be a good president, and Mommy
will be there in the morning!
426
00:15:30,242 --> 00:15:33,002
[WHIMPERING]
427
00:15:33,004 --> 00:15:35,725
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump! Trump! Trump!
428
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,608
[BARKING] Trump! Trump,
Trump, Trump, Trump!
429
00:15:37,610 --> 00:15:39,491
Trump! Trump!
430
00:15:39,493 --> 00:15:41,734
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump!
431
00:15:41,736 --> 00:15:43,657
Trump! Trump! Trump!
432
00:15:43,659 --> 00:15:45,659
??
433
00:15:45,661 --> 00:15:47,183
There's my baby.
434
00:15:47,185 --> 00:15:50,266
Do you feel racist, sexist,
or criminally undisciplined?
435
00:15:50,268 --> 00:15:51,908
No. I just have to go pee.
436
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:53,631
And where do we go pee-pee?
437
00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:56,274
- In the bathtub.
- Good enough.
438
00:15:56,276 --> 00:15:58,437
Oh, who's a good president?
439
00:15:58,439 --> 00:15:59,960
I am!
440
00:15:59,962 --> 00:16:02,362
[BIDEN] Gee, folks!
This is pleasant, huh?
441
00:16:02,364 --> 00:16:03,845
My noggin ain't felt so clear
442
00:16:03,847 --> 00:16:05,968
since the dentist gave me happy gas
443
00:16:05,970 --> 00:16:08,010
and bolted in my
naturally perfect teeth!
444
00:16:08,012 --> 00:16:12,137
Great! Now keep practicing so
you can hear your inner voice
445
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:14,061
without squeezing wet mud.
446
00:16:14,063 --> 00:16:16,765
[THINKY] Hey, there, Joe!
�Qu� pasa, big papa?
447
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,811
[GASPS] Thinky! Is that you?!
448
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,295
Is TV worse now than back in the day?
449
00:16:22,297 --> 00:16:24,179
Hey, close them eyes,
450
00:16:24,181 --> 00:16:26,757
and let's hang out in your big ol' head!
451
00:16:26,759 --> 00:16:29,561
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
452
00:16:29,563 --> 00:16:32,445
? ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS ?
453
00:16:32,447 --> 00:16:35,570
[TWINKLING]
454
00:16:35,572 --> 00:16:38,957
Pretty neat inside your
mind palace, huh, folks?
455
00:16:38,959 --> 00:16:41,561
Really puts stuff in perspective.
456
00:16:41,563 --> 00:16:44,010
It sure does, Thinky. I don't follow.
457
00:16:44,012 --> 00:16:46,128
The troubles of life look pretty small
458
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,467
when you really think about 'em.
459
00:16:47,469 --> 00:16:50,711
In a way, folks are just like
little ants crawlin' on a rock,
460
00:16:50,713 --> 00:16:52,275
floatin' through space, folks!
461
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,519
Whoa. You're so smart, Thinky.
462
00:16:54,521 --> 00:16:56,763
Sorry I tried to threaten
you with a hammer.
463
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,326
No prob, kemosob.
464
00:16:58,328 --> 00:17:01,251
Just a drop in the bucket
of galactic time.
465
00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:03,729
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
466
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:06,276
Man, oh, man! Thinkin's fun!
467
00:17:06,278 --> 00:17:09,698
I wonder if I can think of
a dog wearing a chef's hat.
468
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:12,742
Hey, who let you in the kitchen, doggy?!
469
00:17:12,744 --> 00:17:14,747
[JAZZ TRUMPET PLAYS]
470
00:17:14,749 --> 00:17:15,849
_
471
00:17:20,555 --> 00:17:23,237
- I play the fife, you know.
- Shut up, Mitt.
472
00:17:23,239 --> 00:17:25,420
Trump has gone from beast to beauty.
473
00:17:25,422 --> 00:17:28,561
And John McCain's grave has
never stunk of piss less.
474
00:17:28,563 --> 00:17:30,745
[SMOOTHLY] So, I was having
dinner with George Clooney,
475
00:17:30,747 --> 00:17:32,758
Jerry Seinfeld, and Fran Lebowitz
476
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,514
the other night, and Fran says to me,
477
00:17:34,516 --> 00:17:38,481
"Donald, how do you stay so
humane in such a crazy world?"
478
00:17:38,483 --> 00:17:42,264
[TRUMPET PLAYING]
479
00:17:42,266 --> 00:17:44,787
I polish off the crudit�s and reply,
480
00:17:44,789 --> 00:17:47,032
"All anyone needs is
a roof over their head,
481
00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:50,037
a song in their heart, and
a trumpet in their hands".
482
00:17:50,039 --> 00:17:52,919
??
483
00:17:52,921 --> 00:17:54,842
[ALL] Ooh!
484
00:17:54,844 --> 00:17:58,428
??
485
00:17:58,430 --> 00:18:00,792
Same time next week. This has been fun.
486
00:18:00,794 --> 00:18:03,581
Wow! Looks like someone's
getting another four years
487
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,178
of begging his wife not to divorce him.
488
00:18:06,180 --> 00:18:07,940
Hey, Kellyanne, what's that?
489
00:18:07,942 --> 00:18:09,904
Mr. President, we talked about this.
490
00:18:09,906 --> 00:18:12,268
The old Donald Trump
would pounce on that pie,
491
00:18:12,270 --> 00:18:15,072
but the domesticated Donald
Trump would certainly not.
492
00:18:15,074 --> 00:18:17,261
Of course. I'm a smooth, suave president
493
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,736
who goes pee-pee in the bathtub.
494
00:18:18,738 --> 00:18:20,460
And nothing will ever change that.
495
00:18:20,462 --> 00:18:23,525
Code red. There's still a
little piece of him in there.
496
00:18:23,527 --> 00:18:27,568
In summary, the past, present,
and future exist simultaneously,
497
00:18:27,570 --> 00:18:29,572
and thus the perceived flow of time
498
00:18:29,574 --> 00:18:31,015
is a load of codswallop!
499
00:18:31,017 --> 00:18:33,399
Same question again...
what's with the ponytail?
500
00:18:33,401 --> 00:18:36,380
I'm a thinkin' man now,
ignoring pointless fiddle-faddle
501
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:37,803
like haircuts and levity.
502
00:18:37,805 --> 00:18:40,108
Dr. Biden, you led the Vice
President's debate prep.
503
00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:42,790
How did it go? I assume
like World Wars I and II
504
00:18:42,792 --> 00:18:44,111
having sex in a Burger King?
505
00:18:44,113 --> 00:18:45,554
Really well... I think.
506
00:18:45,556 --> 00:18:49,000
Tune in tonight 'cause Joe
Biden's coming out swingin'!
507
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,161
Public debate is masturbatory!
508
00:18:51,163 --> 00:18:53,165
Now that I think about
it, I shouldn't be runnin'
509
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,549
for President at all! I
should just sit in a meadow
510
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,632
and renounce my worldly possessions.
511
00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:58,994
Will you excuse us?
512
00:18:58,996 --> 00:19:01,397
Sure. Of course. It's just live TV.
513
00:19:01,399 --> 00:19:04,081
You were supposed to
stop shouting 1920s slurs
514
00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:06,766
for Italians, not turn into
Noam friggin' Chomsky!
515
00:19:06,768 --> 00:19:09,128
Ain't it great? Everything's
so dang interesting
516
00:19:09,130 --> 00:19:10,370
when you think about it.
517
00:19:10,372 --> 00:19:12,133
Whoa! I just thought of lizards!
518
00:19:12,135 --> 00:19:14,376
You can't show up at
the debate like this!
519
00:19:14,378 --> 00:19:16,941
Don't you worry. I'm
skipping the debate.
520
00:19:16,943 --> 00:19:19,505
Gonna go check out
that meadow off I-95.
521
00:19:19,507 --> 00:19:21,789
You're gonna throw this election away...
522
00:19:21,791 --> 00:19:23,873
and my First Lady initiative with it!
523
00:19:23,875 --> 00:19:26,278
You're crippling the cause of literacy,
524
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,407
or team sports, or some crap!
525
00:19:28,409 --> 00:19:30,599
When you think about it,
First Lady initiatives
526
00:19:30,601 --> 00:19:32,161
aren't all that important.
527
00:19:32,163 --> 00:19:35,125
[GASPS] I have no idea
what my initiative will be,
528
00:19:35,127 --> 00:19:37,670
but it will be as important to me
529
00:19:37,672 --> 00:19:40,275
as it is to the focus
group that selects it!
530
00:19:40,277 --> 00:19:43,176
I'll be at my sister's,
feeling my eyes glaze over
531
00:19:43,178 --> 00:19:44,643
a pile of personal essays
532
00:19:44,645 --> 00:19:47,663
about my students' trips to Spain!
533
00:19:47,665 --> 00:19:50,947
Are you okay, you mysterious genius?
534
00:19:50,949 --> 00:19:54,027
Yeah, I'm just waterboarding
myself with my own saliva.
535
00:19:54,029 --> 00:19:56,675
That's cool. Baby want a diet pill?
536
00:19:56,677 --> 00:19:59,032
I need that pie! [GROWLS]
537
00:19:59,034 --> 00:20:00,395
Trump! Trump!
538
00:20:00,397 --> 00:20:01,878
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Tru-ooh! Ugh.
539
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,361
Just lock him in the laundry room.
540
00:20:03,363 --> 00:20:04,964
He likes to hump the dryer.
541
00:20:04,966 --> 00:20:10,013
[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]
542
00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:13,739
[CHAIN RATTLING]
543
00:20:13,741 --> 00:20:16,103
Trump! Trump!
544
00:20:16,105 --> 00:20:19,027
[GROWLS] How long do
I have to stay here?!
545
00:20:19,029 --> 00:20:20,911
Just till the general election.
546
00:20:20,913 --> 00:20:22,875
After that, you can
do whatever you want.
547
00:20:22,877 --> 00:20:25,960
Mmm! This is delicious!
548
00:20:25,962 --> 00:20:28,520
Hey, Mitch, you ol' pal, while
Donald here is chained up,
549
00:20:28,522 --> 00:20:30,203
what do you say we go have a spirited
550
00:20:30,205 --> 00:20:31,706
fitted-sheet folding race?
551
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:34,356
Whoa! Mitch, I'm still
gonna be the nominee, right?
552
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,131
You wouldn't dare leave me for someone
553
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:38,855
who's never had a good chuckle
with the King of Saudi Arabia!
554
00:20:38,857 --> 00:20:40,457
The presidency is too important.
555
00:20:40,459 --> 00:20:41,500
[ROMNEY] Yeah!
556
00:20:41,502 --> 00:20:44,145
[MCCONNELL] Mitt, get your
goddamn arm off my shoulder.
557
00:20:44,147 --> 00:20:46,269
? EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ?
558
00:20:46,271 --> 00:20:49,050
[BIDEN] Foooolks...
559
00:20:49,052 --> 00:20:51,793
Fooooooooooooooooooolks...
560
00:20:51,795 --> 00:20:54,717
Huh! Achieving total
nirvana kinda stinks!
561
00:20:54,719 --> 00:20:55,880
Well, what do I do now?
562
00:20:55,882 --> 00:20:57,724
Find another Bodhi tree to sit under?
563
00:20:57,726 --> 00:21:00,600
I got ant bites up my
cracker jack as it is!
564
00:21:00,602 --> 00:21:03,485
[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]
565
00:21:03,487 --> 00:21:05,448
Aw, crud! A coyot'!
566
00:21:05,450 --> 00:21:08,334
I'd run, but I can't see
diddly-zip with these specs.
567
00:21:08,336 --> 00:21:10,077
Can't see without 'em neither!
568
00:21:10,079 --> 00:21:13,603
Ah, Jill would know how to help.
569
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:16,151
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] You can't
let it end this way, Donald.
570
00:21:16,153 --> 00:21:18,155
Maybe if they were giving the nomination
571
00:21:18,157 --> 00:21:21,755
to Diamond and/or Silk,
but not Mitt Romney!
572
00:21:21,757 --> 00:21:23,277
[GROWLS]
573
00:21:23,279 --> 00:21:24,639
[GROANS]
574
00:21:24,641 --> 00:21:26,762
[PANTING]
575
00:21:26,764 --> 00:21:29,656
Come on, Donald. They
can't chain you down.
576
00:21:29,658 --> 00:21:30,879
You're an animal!
577
00:21:30,881 --> 00:21:33,784
You have no complex thought!
No sense of humor!
578
00:21:33,786 --> 00:21:37,310
You're not above throwing your
feces at a harmless onlooker!
579
00:21:37,312 --> 00:21:39,701
Donald Trump laces his public speeches
580
00:21:39,703 --> 00:21:41,143
with vulgarity...
581
00:21:41,145 --> 00:21:42,945
bragged about his marital affairs.
582
00:21:42,947 --> 00:21:45,931
At the same, he's called
George W. Bush a liar.
583
00:21:45,933 --> 00:21:48,015
The bullying, the showing off,
584
00:21:48,017 --> 00:21:50,940
the absurd third-grade theatrics.
585
00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:54,226
He has neither the temperament
nor the judgment to be president.
586
00:21:54,228 --> 00:21:55,990
A phony.
587
00:21:55,992 --> 00:21:59,596
[GROWLING AND SNARLING]
588
00:21:59,598 --> 00:22:04,123
I am not human!
589
00:22:04,125 --> 00:22:08,555
- Trrrruuuuuummmpppp!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
590
00:22:08,557 --> 00:22:10,518
[THINKY] So when you think about it,
591
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,322
a single-payer healthcare system
592
00:22:12,324 --> 00:22:14,165
is the only humane option.
593
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:15,448
Joe, you listenin'?
594
00:22:15,450 --> 00:22:17,212
Oh, sorry. Zoned out.
595
00:22:17,214 --> 00:22:19,038
Don't think I missed anything important.
596
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,603
Joe, I can tell when
something's on your mind.
597
00:22:21,605 --> 00:22:22,968
I am your mind.
598
00:22:22,970 --> 00:22:25,884
It's time we parted ways
so you can win that debate.
599
00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:27,808
But I thought the debate didn't matter
600
00:22:27,810 --> 00:22:29,224
in the grand scheme of things.
601
00:22:29,226 --> 00:22:31,897
It matters if it matters
to folks that matter to you.
602
00:22:31,899 --> 00:22:34,502
Your wife and millions
of concerned citizens
603
00:22:34,504 --> 00:22:35,625
are counting on you...
604
00:22:35,627 --> 00:22:38,108
not to be a smarty-pants thinkin' man,
605
00:22:38,110 --> 00:22:40,032
but to be a blunt-force object
606
00:22:40,034 --> 00:22:41,916
that can finally knock out Trump.
607
00:22:41,918 --> 00:22:43,439
But what if I get excited
608
00:22:43,441 --> 00:22:45,082
and blurt out a bunch of boner-bloops?
609
00:22:45,084 --> 00:22:47,496
Your unfiltered emotion
is kinda the only thing
610
00:22:47,498 --> 00:22:48,939
you got goin' for ya.
611
00:22:48,941 --> 00:22:50,863
Besides, since when was Joe Biden
612
00:22:50,865 --> 00:22:52,667
held accountable for his words?
613
00:22:52,669 --> 00:22:55,111
Or his alleged actions!
614
00:22:55,113 --> 00:22:56,929
[BIDEN SCREAMING]
615
00:22:56,931 --> 00:23:01,696
[VASES SHATTERING]
616
00:23:01,698 --> 00:23:04,380
- [DISHES SHATTERING]
- Ah, that stupid...
617
00:23:04,382 --> 00:23:06,022
[SCREAMING, HAIR RIPS]
618
00:23:06,024 --> 00:23:10,308
- ??
- _
619
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:12,152
[ANNOUNCER] Welcome to the first debate
620
00:23:12,154 --> 00:23:13,833
of the 2020 general election.
621
00:23:13,835 --> 00:23:15,395
Good evening. I'm Chris Wallace,
622
00:23:15,397 --> 00:23:19,321
the only Fox News host not
yet denounced by the NAACP.
623
00:23:19,323 --> 00:23:22,611
Tonight, rumors are swirling
that Senator Mitt Romney
624
00:23:22,613 --> 00:23:25,993
may replace the increasingly
unruly President Trump
625
00:23:25,995 --> 00:23:27,636
as the Republican nominee.
626
00:23:27,638 --> 00:23:29,910
If true, we could see a bigger meltdown
627
00:23:29,912 --> 00:23:31,814
than when Sean Hannity's divorce lawyer
628
00:23:31,816 --> 00:23:34,338
called with bad news
about the house in Aspen.
629
00:23:34,340 --> 00:23:36,342
"I will restore the Republican party
630
00:23:36,344 --> 00:23:39,227
to the dignity and
sensibility of the Bush years.
631
00:23:39,229 --> 00:23:42,453
Together we will build a better
future for a handful of rich
632
00:23:42,455 --> 00:23:44,507
70-year-olds named Charles. Thank yo..."
633
00:23:44,509 --> 00:23:45,850
- [GROWLING]
- Aaaaaah!
634
00:23:45,852 --> 00:23:48,495
[ROMNEY] One of my shirt-tails
is part-way untucked!
635
00:23:48,497 --> 00:23:51,306
A reminder to the audience...
please remain quiet
636
00:23:51,308 --> 00:23:53,470
and hold your reactions
until the very...
637
00:23:53,472 --> 00:23:55,835
- [AUDIENCE SCREAMING]
- Truuuuuuuuuuuuump!
638
00:23:55,837 --> 00:23:57,437
I gotta stop covering my bases
639
00:23:57,439 --> 00:23:59,321
by praying to God and Satan.
640
00:23:59,323 --> 00:24:00,899
[GROWLS]
641
00:24:00,901 --> 00:24:03,348
Welcome, and good God, Mr. President.
642
00:24:03,350 --> 00:24:05,352
First question. What
do you say to critics
643
00:24:05,354 --> 00:24:08,397
who have called your response
to the global pandemic
644
00:24:08,399 --> 00:24:09,840
"sluggish", "inadequate"...
645
00:24:09,842 --> 00:24:11,364
And I'm sorry. I'm distracted
646
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:13,888
by what looks like venom
dripping from your teeth.
647
00:24:13,890 --> 00:24:15,612
- Truuuuuuuuuuuuump!
- Oh, dear.
648
00:24:15,614 --> 00:24:17,495
See you in hell, Roger Ailes.
649
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:19,379
[BIDEN] Hold it right
there, you loudmouth
650
00:24:19,381 --> 00:24:21,062
piece of no-good scrap rubber blown in
651
00:24:21,064 --> 00:24:23,576
from the ol' nonsense factory
in the Polish part of Crapville!
652
00:24:23,578 --> 00:24:25,219
You're gonna march back to that lectern
653
00:24:25,221 --> 00:24:27,183
so we can jaw-joust
like civilized fellas
654
00:24:27,185 --> 00:24:29,467
with problematic blind spots, got it?!
655
00:24:29,469 --> 00:24:30,870
[WHIMPERING]
656
00:24:30,872 --> 00:24:33,034
Way to go, Quick-Draw Joe!
657
00:24:33,036 --> 00:24:35,839
And no one's calling the
Anti-Defamation League!
658
00:24:35,841 --> 00:24:37,442
[THINKY] Wowee, buckaroo!
659
00:24:37,444 --> 00:24:40,127
That was some mighty
fine tongue-slingin'!
660
00:24:40,129 --> 00:24:41,672
Gee, thanks, Thinky!
661
00:24:41,674 --> 00:24:43,758
Oh, no! I'm listening to my thoughts!
662
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,883
I'm gonna go all namby-pamby again!
663
00:24:45,885 --> 00:24:49,522
Trump! Trump! Truuuump!!
664
00:24:49,524 --> 00:24:52,968
Don't panic, Joe. You thought
up a plan for this, remember?
665
00:24:52,970 --> 00:24:55,773
Blunt-force object!
Beat it, inner voice!
666
00:24:55,775 --> 00:24:57,437
Joe Biden don't need no thoughts!
667
00:24:57,439 --> 00:25:01,183
I'll chase you all the way
down through my ass if I hafta!
668
00:25:01,185 --> 00:25:02,866
- Trump! Trump!
- Get outta here, you...
669
00:25:02,868 --> 00:25:05,411
I almost regret making
oodles of cash off these guys.
670
00:25:05,413 --> 00:25:09,259
I feel shame juice seeping
into my ambition cortex.
671
00:25:09,261 --> 00:25:10,863
What do we do, Mitch?!
672
00:25:10,865 --> 00:25:12,867
I've got an idea.
673
00:25:12,869 --> 00:25:15,390
[THINKY] Okay, geez. Thinky
doesn't want any trouble!
674
00:25:15,392 --> 00:25:17,053
I'll hit the road, kemosob!
675
00:25:17,055 --> 00:25:19,658
And never come back,
ya hear?! Thanks, buddy.
676
00:25:19,660 --> 00:25:21,742
I'm really gonna miss ya. No, I ain't!
677
00:25:21,744 --> 00:25:23,606
All you ever done was drag me down!
678
00:25:23,608 --> 00:25:27,031
And enrich my life
beyond my wildest dreams.
679
00:25:27,033 --> 00:25:28,314
[HAMMER CLATTERS]
680
00:25:28,316 --> 00:25:30,746
- Ugh...
- Where's the pie, asshole?
681
00:25:30,748 --> 00:25:33,110
- W-W-Wha... ?
- No way a domesticated dork
682
00:25:33,112 --> 00:25:34,673
like Mitt Romney would ever deign
683
00:25:34,675 --> 00:25:36,828
to eat a full slice
of pie in one sitting.
684
00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:38,111
Where'd you stash it?
685
00:25:38,113 --> 00:25:39,794
I'm... I'm gettin' s-sleepy...
686
00:25:39,796 --> 00:25:42,359
Hurry up, or I'll loosen
the knot on your tie
687
00:25:42,361 --> 00:25:45,565
and send photos to your
entire congregation!
688
00:25:45,567 --> 00:25:48,690
[BOTH GROWLING AND SNARLING]
689
00:25:48,692 --> 00:25:51,855
Fox News wants me to remind
voters that at least Trump
690
00:25:51,857 --> 00:25:54,841
hasn't spent this debate
describing his genitals.
691
00:25:54,843 --> 00:25:56,364
Quick... where are the diet pills?
692
00:25:56,366 --> 00:25:58,767
He won't eat it! He just wants pie!
693
00:25:58,769 --> 00:26:01,372
Put the diet pills in the pie.
694
00:26:01,374 --> 00:26:03,776
That's why you're the
puppet-master, Mitch.
695
00:26:03,778 --> 00:26:06,302
Over here, you mysterious genius!
696
00:26:08,321 --> 00:26:10,763
[SLOW-MOTION GROWLING]
697
00:26:10,765 --> 00:26:13,446
[CHOMP, MUNCHING]
698
00:26:13,448 --> 00:26:14,908
Mmmmm!
699
00:26:14,910 --> 00:26:19,306
Oh, yeah. [GRUMBLING] Uh-huh.
700
00:26:19,308 --> 00:26:21,170
To answer your question, Chris,
701
00:26:21,172 --> 00:26:23,815
my critics are all
Soros-funded operatives
702
00:26:23,817 --> 00:26:26,479
who I will personally lock
in solitary confinement
703
00:26:26,481 --> 00:26:29,108
in the secret jail
under the Smithsonian.
704
00:26:29,110 --> 00:26:30,791
Huh. That series of grunts
705
00:26:30,793 --> 00:26:32,634
appeared to be in the Queen's English.
706
00:26:32,636 --> 00:26:34,344
Credit goes to President Trump
707
00:26:34,346 --> 00:26:37,710
for not mentioning any ethnic
stereotypes in his response.
708
00:26:37,712 --> 00:26:39,359
[CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING]
709
00:26:39,361 --> 00:26:40,883
[COOPER] Last night,
710
00:26:40,885 --> 00:26:42,826
Vice President Biden
proved that he doesn't need
711
00:26:42,828 --> 00:26:44,350
to watch his words to beat Trump.
712
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:46,625
In fact, shouting a string
of deranged threats
713
00:26:46,627 --> 00:26:49,671
might be the only tactic that
works on our beastly president.
714
00:26:49,673 --> 00:26:52,716
It's good to have you
back, my lovable liability!
715
00:26:52,718 --> 00:26:54,640
Thank god we no longer live in an age
716
00:26:54,642 --> 00:26:56,571
of collegially behaved presidents!
717
00:26:56,573 --> 00:26:59,699
Yeah, America might finally
be uncivilized enough
718
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,091
to elect Joe Biden!
719
00:27:01,093 --> 00:27:03,314
Thanks for all your
back-breaking instruction
720
00:27:03,316 --> 00:27:04,997
that I've completely thrown out.
721
00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:06,140
My pleasure, honey.
722
00:27:06,142 --> 00:27:08,458
Say, I've got eight hours
of Twelfth Night
723
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:10,264
PowerPoint presentations
to click through.
724
00:27:10,266 --> 00:27:11,706
Wanna give me a hand?
725
00:27:11,708 --> 00:27:13,749
Nah.
726
00:27:13,751 --> 00:27:16,152
[MCCONNELL] Mr. President, I forgive you
727
00:27:16,154 --> 00:27:18,476
for trying to eat Chris Wallace.
728
00:27:18,478 --> 00:27:20,358
Actually, snap polls show your base
729
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:22,681
really responded to
the threat of violence.
730
00:27:22,683 --> 00:27:25,125
Do I look like a guy who
doesn't know what he's doing?
731
00:27:25,127 --> 00:27:27,528
Just keep taking your diet pills,
732
00:27:27,530 --> 00:27:30,012
and I promise to keep my wagon hitched
733
00:27:30,014 --> 00:27:33,617
to your filthy, squealing hog
truck through Election Day.
734
00:27:33,619 --> 00:27:36,541
You're an unsympathetic subhuman beast,
735
00:27:36,543 --> 00:27:38,956
and that's why you're
our top Republican.
736
00:27:38,958 --> 00:27:40,019
[TOILET FLUSHES]
737
00:27:40,021 --> 00:27:42,590
[GIULIANI] Donald! Come
quick! I dug a bunga pit!
738
00:27:42,592 --> 00:27:43,994
Wanna watch me hump my way out?
739
00:27:43,996 --> 00:27:45,194
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, can I, Mitch?
740
00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:48,117
- Can I, can I, can I, can I?!
- [MCCONNELL] Oh... I suppose.
741
00:27:48,119 --> 00:27:49,720
- [GIULIANI] Alright!
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Yay!
742
00:27:49,722 --> 00:27:51,143
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
743
00:27:51,145 --> 00:27:54,108
? Donald Trump is the president ?
744
00:27:54,110 --> 00:27:57,771
? Donald Trump is the president ?
745
00:27:57,773 --> 00:28:00,254
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
746
00:28:00,256 --> 00:28:01,578
? Yes, he is ?
747
00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:04,781
? Yes, he is, we elected him president ?
748
00:28:04,783 --> 00:28:07,465
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
749
00:28:07,467 --> 00:28:08,668
? Yes, he is ?
750
00:28:08,670 --> 00:28:11,911
? We had a vote and
elected him president ?
751
00:28:11,913 --> 00:28:17,000
? Donald Trump is the president ?
752
00:28:19,123 --> 00:28:20,803
? Donald Trump ?
753
00:28:20,805 --> 00:28:24,368
? He is our president ?
754
00:28:24,370 --> 00:28:27,693
? We made him president ?
755
00:28:27,695 --> 00:28:29,827
? We did it ?
756
00:28:29,829 --> 00:28:33,871
? Donald Trump is the president ?
757
00:28:33,873 --> 00:28:37,026
? We elected Donald Trump ?
758
00:28:37,028 --> 00:28:40,631
? Donald Trump is the president ?
759
00:28:40,633 --> 00:28:44,236
? Donald Trump is the president ?
760
00:28:44,238 --> 00:28:47,744
? Yeah ?
761
00:28:47,746 --> 00:28:49,749
Trump!58777
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