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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:05,001 2 00:00:09,554 --> 00:00:11,722 - [APPLAUSE] - Welcome to tonight's town hall 3 00:00:11,724 --> 00:00:14,675 at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. 4 00:00:14,677 --> 00:00:16,044 - I'm George Stephanopoulos, - _ 5 00:00:16,046 --> 00:00:17,511 and when I worked for Bill Clinton, 6 00:00:17,513 --> 00:00:19,547 he was an incorruptible angel. 7 00:00:19,549 --> 00:00:21,577 Tonight, somehow-undecided voters 8 00:00:21,579 --> 00:00:22,979 will question President Trump 9 00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,048 about the issues that matter most. 10 00:00:25,050 --> 00:00:27,784 Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not sure who to vote for, 11 00:00:27,786 --> 00:00:30,487 remember how much fun you have at horror movies. 12 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:33,357 I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've climbed K3, 13 00:00:33,359 --> 00:00:35,260 - a secret mountain for the uber wealthy. - _ 14 00:00:35,262 --> 00:00:37,360 I'm joined tonight by Vice President Joe Biden, 15 00:00:37,362 --> 00:00:39,059 who is here to address Rust Belt voters, 16 00:00:39,061 --> 00:00:41,100 because the fate of democracy somehow depends on 17 00:00:41,102 --> 00:00:42,916 14 Pennsylvania moms named Terri. 18 00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:45,434 Turns out I'm America's last hope! 19 00:00:45,436 --> 00:00:47,704 Ain't it nuts? Hell, I'm doing great! 20 00:00:47,706 --> 00:00:50,677 I didn't sniff one widow's nape at the 9/11 event. 21 00:00:50,679 --> 00:00:53,009 Could you have done more to stop COVID-19? 22 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:55,578 Ugh! Are we still talking about COVID? 23 00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:57,580 That was last month's genocide. 24 00:00:57,582 --> 00:01:00,682 Hello! You can't see the sky anymore! 25 00:01:00,684 --> 00:01:01,899 And another thing... 26 00:01:01,901 --> 00:01:04,895 on the trail, I'm gonna say "end climate change". 27 00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:08,900 But I do not mean it. I love gas engines! 28 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,727 [WILDLY IMITATING ENGINE REVVING] 29 00:01:11,729 --> 00:01:13,562 [VOTER] Why won't you acknowledge that this country 30 00:01:13,564 --> 00:01:14,631 has a race problem? 31 00:01:14,633 --> 00:01:17,035 Hey, did you folks see Wheel of Fortune is back? 32 00:01:17,037 --> 00:01:19,182 [VOTER] Just say the words "race" and "problem". 33 00:01:19,184 --> 00:01:20,869 That Vanna's still got it! 34 00:01:20,871 --> 00:01:23,506 [WILDLY IMITATING ENGINE REVVING] 35 00:01:23,508 --> 00:01:26,275 Now, if there's one thing President Trump and I agree on, 36 00:01:26,277 --> 00:01:28,344 it's these protester so-and-so's 37 00:01:28,346 --> 00:01:30,507 are causing all sorts of ruckus, and, you know... 38 00:01:30,509 --> 00:01:32,774 While exercising their First Amendment right 39 00:01:32,776 --> 00:01:34,092 to peaceably assemble, 40 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,994 and that's all we have to say on that matter. 41 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:38,430 Joe, there's a big lady outside 42 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,098 who's pouring beers with her underboob! 43 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,768 Quick! Get me three camcorders and a lighting rig! 44 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,306 How 'bout those ICE guys? Pretty nutso, right? 45 00:01:46,308 --> 00:01:48,172 Sure, there are some negative nellies 46 00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,041 who say forced sterilization is unconstitutional, 47 00:01:51,043 --> 00:01:52,476 but I say... 48 00:01:52,478 --> 00:01:53,877 - [AUDIENCE GASPS] - Oh, God! 49 00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:55,347 That better be from the gift shop. 50 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:57,917 Is the gift shop behind ten inches of bulletproof glass? 51 00:01:57,919 --> 00:01:59,453 - [IMITATING ENGINE REVVING] - Joe! Stop! 52 00:01:59,455 --> 00:02:01,984 Stop doing that. Vice Pre... Joe! Stop! 53 00:02:01,986 --> 00:02:03,554 Joe, you are not a car! 54 00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:05,856 Everyone's complaining about these hurricanes 55 00:02:05,858 --> 00:02:08,593 or, as I call them, free water parks! 56 00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:10,429 [METAL SQUEAKING] 57 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:13,173 Look, you don't change horses midstream, 58 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,841 even if the stream is lava 59 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,467 and the horse is melted down to its eye sockets. 60 00:02:17,469 --> 00:02:20,503 When we come back, the President blames all the nation's problems 61 00:02:20,505 --> 00:02:22,772 on people who are not currently the President. 62 00:02:22,774 --> 00:02:24,741 [BIDEN, MUFFLED] Aw, man! 63 00:02:24,743 --> 00:02:27,910 How am I supposed to sniff a lady's hair in this thing? 64 00:02:27,912 --> 00:02:31,416 ?? 65 00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:34,318 I'm Anderson Cooper, and I absorbed 60% 66 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,021 of Princess Diana's household staff. 67 00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,223 - Tonight, we take a look back - _ 68 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,826 at the Democratic National Convention, 69 00:02:38,828 --> 00:02:41,605 where top-ranking party members made their voices heard. 70 00:02:41,607 --> 00:02:43,807 - I support Joe Biden for president. - _ 71 00:02:43,809 --> 00:02:45,643 - Joe Biden. - Joe Biden! 72 00:02:45,645 --> 00:02:48,512 Joe... I don't even mind that he was adamantly against 73 00:02:48,514 --> 00:02:50,581 gay marriage 12 years ago... Biden. 74 00:02:50,583 --> 00:02:52,587 I support Joe Biden... almost as much 75 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,618 as I support Medicare For All. 76 00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:56,086 Senator Sanders' remarks received 77 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,009 a tepid response from party insiders, 78 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,512 but a roar of approval from online supporters. 79 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,055 And now that he's safely out of the running, 80 00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:04,015 I think we can all agree that Bernie Sanders 81 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,496 has totally transformed the Democratic Party forever 82 00:03:06,498 --> 00:03:08,565 by dragging it kicking and screaming to the left. 83 00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:10,715 [COOPER] Oh, and Joe Biden is the official nominee. 84 00:03:10,717 --> 00:03:13,116 Hey, Jill! They said my name on the TV! 85 00:03:13,118 --> 00:03:16,107 Sure, Joe. Almost as much as they said Bernie's. 86 00:03:16,109 --> 00:03:19,077 Hold on. Now, how come they're saying his name when I'm the guy 87 00:03:19,079 --> 00:03:21,277 who won the rigged primary fair and square? 88 00:03:21,279 --> 00:03:24,160 Exactly! This should be your moment, not his. 89 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,316 Bernie's not like the other candidates, Joe. 90 00:03:26,318 --> 00:03:29,519 He has some weird desire to speak about the issues, 91 00:03:29,521 --> 00:03:32,388 even when it won't benefit him in any discernible way. 92 00:03:32,390 --> 00:03:33,789 Now, that's whacky-dacky! 93 00:03:33,791 --> 00:03:36,659 Trying to modernize my slang, Jill. Ya dig? 94 00:03:36,661 --> 00:03:40,176 I'm just saying, it'd be nice if Bernie could take a backseat 95 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,331 and let you become the face of the party. 96 00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:45,511 I'm not too worried. Everyone knows I'm the face of the party. 97 00:03:45,513 --> 00:03:48,503 Coming up, we meet a woman so inspired by Bernie Sanders 98 00:03:48,505 --> 00:03:52,129 she named her firstborn child "77% Estate Tax". 99 00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:54,232 [DON JR.] God, Eric! 100 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,193 I am up to my ass's ass telling voters 101 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,863 that sending gun pics to liberals cures COVID. 102 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,625 It's been weeks since I've seen you long enough 103 00:04:01,627 --> 00:04:03,066 to punch you lovingly in the dick! 104 00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:04,968 Laying people off from the Trump Org 105 00:04:04,970 --> 00:04:07,137 has become my full-time job! 106 00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:10,140 COVID-19 is tearing our brotherly asses apart! 107 00:04:10,142 --> 00:04:13,009 I wish some science freak would find the cure already 108 00:04:13,011 --> 00:04:15,612 so we can rent that houseboat to have our first annual 109 00:04:15,614 --> 00:04:18,372 houseboat-sex-and-drinking party! Oy, oy! 110 00:04:18,374 --> 00:04:20,883 If we don't have that party, it'll be like we bought 111 00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:23,303 matching sailor suits for nothing! 112 00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:25,188 They weren't matching! I bought mine first! 113 00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:27,932 [EMPLOYEE] As I was saying, I'm totally open to any feedback 114 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,459 in regards to my day-to-day. 115 00:04:29,461 --> 00:04:30,862 Oh. Sorry. You're fired. 116 00:04:30,864 --> 00:04:32,795 Your health insurance ends... now. 117 00:04:32,797 --> 00:04:34,097 Now get the eff outta here! 118 00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:35,832 ?? 119 00:04:35,834 --> 00:04:37,800 Joe really appreciates what you're doing 120 00:04:37,802 --> 00:04:39,102 for his campaign, Beau Bridges. 121 00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,371 Big Stargate fan, by the way. 122 00:04:40,373 --> 00:04:42,905 Love how it draws from both Norse and Greek mytholo... 123 00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,807 Okay. I-I'll let you get back to it. 124 00:04:44,809 --> 00:04:46,742 We're up 200 thou in donations, 125 00:04:46,744 --> 00:04:48,711 and it's not even "healthy morning snack" time yet. 126 00:04:48,713 --> 00:04:50,080 I, in a sense, rock. 127 00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,648 Do you think Bernie's stealing my moment? 128 00:04:52,650 --> 00:04:55,051 - Not exactly... ? - You do! I knew it! 129 00:04:55,053 --> 00:04:57,854 It's just that your moment is, uh, a collective action. 130 00:04:57,856 --> 00:05:00,623 Undertaken by many, many people, including Bernie. 131 00:05:00,625 --> 00:05:02,943 But I should be the face of the Democratic Party, 132 00:05:02,945 --> 00:05:05,287 and Bernie keeps shoving his face over mine! 133 00:05:05,289 --> 00:05:07,305 I spent a lot of money on this face, 134 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,597 and I wanna show it off! 135 00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:10,314 Look, Joe. I've got carpal tunnel 136 00:05:10,316 --> 00:05:12,811 from dialing donors all day, and I can't keep saying 137 00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,870 the call is cutting out when they bring up Tara Reade. 138 00:05:14,872 --> 00:05:16,538 Making peace with Bernie and courting 139 00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:18,640 his small-dollar donors could be a good thing. 140 00:05:18,642 --> 00:05:20,842 I could even facilitate a t�te-�-t�te between you two. 141 00:05:20,844 --> 00:05:23,003 He should be wanting to TED Talk with me, 142 00:05:23,005 --> 00:05:24,214 not the other way around! 143 00:05:24,216 --> 00:05:27,200 Ah, forget it, Barack. I'm sure the party will Band-Aid over 144 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,718 its irresolvable differences like always. 145 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,821 [DR. FAUCI] Made it through another unaired presser. 146 00:05:32,823 --> 00:05:35,083 Maybe next time, Trump will let the camera guy 147 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,276 take the lens cap off. 148 00:05:36,278 --> 00:05:38,198 - Oh, Dr. Fauci! Dr. Fauci! - Here, here! Dr. Fauci! 149 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,828 Dr. Fauci! I said it first! 150 00:05:39,830 --> 00:05:42,130 Again, boys, jock itch is not a symptom. 151 00:05:42,132 --> 00:05:44,676 How long would it take us to cure coronavirus 152 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,011 and still have time to rent 153 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:49,213 an inflatable AR-15-shaped pool float for a sick-ass 154 00:05:49,215 --> 00:05:52,083 houseboat-sex-and-drinking party?! Oy, oy! 155 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,102 Vaccines can take years to develop 156 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:55,754 before they're even brought to market. 157 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:58,957 Oh, we know all about bringing products prematurely to market. 158 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,233 Unless you have a research lab at your disposal, 159 00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:03,028 I don't see how it's possible. 160 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,822 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to hose off the letter "Q" 161 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,066 someone defecated onto my RAV4. 162 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:11,274 Ugh! That was our last chance to cure the disease! 163 00:06:11,276 --> 00:06:13,604 But it was the first thing we tried. 164 00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:15,640 - [SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS] - [HILLARY] Bernie troubles? 165 00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:18,084 You've come to the right place, sister. 166 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:21,337 Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the thankless hours 167 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:22,813 he spends on the campaign trail... 168 00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:24,841 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it on my juice. 169 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,818 Bernie will always find a way to steal my spotlight. 170 00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,186 Uh, your spotlight. 171 00:06:29,188 --> 00:06:31,789 Barack thinks I should talk to him about it. 172 00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,892 Pfft! Next he's gonna tell you to take the fall for Benghazi! 173 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,627 If you want my advice, leave them both in the dust 174 00:06:37,629 --> 00:06:40,030 and... who knows... maybe you'll find a surrogate 175 00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:41,565 sitting in plain sight. 176 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,567 Because why play Pok�mon Go... 177 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:46,870 when you can Pok�mon Joe Biden to the polls! 178 00:06:46,872 --> 00:06:49,139 And that's just off the top of my head. 179 00:06:49,141 --> 00:06:51,909 ?? 180 00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:54,370 [DON JR.] Eric, I told you that whenever you get a new bandana, 181 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:57,014 you can just show it to me like a normal person! 182 00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,782 - Surprise! - [GASPS] 183 00:06:58,784 --> 00:07:01,650 It's our old childhood penthouse basement! 184 00:07:01,652 --> 00:07:03,686 And it's still full of all the stuff 185 00:07:03,688 --> 00:07:07,611 we made one of our moms buy us after we watched Weird Science! 186 00:07:07,613 --> 00:07:09,291 We never did make a girl. 187 00:07:09,293 --> 00:07:11,304 But you did cure my hiccups! 188 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:14,697 I had a scientific breakthrough to hit you with the hammer! 189 00:07:14,699 --> 00:07:17,435 And my insomnia! Remember how you cured that? 190 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,004 - I hit you with this book! - Let's do it again! 191 00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,439 You can be Dr. Don, 192 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,040 and I'll be your trusty lab rat, Eric. 193 00:07:24,042 --> 00:07:26,575 Together, we'll cure coronavirus! 194 00:07:26,577 --> 00:07:28,778 I promised myself I'd never do science again 195 00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:31,047 after realizing I could jack off in the shower, 196 00:07:31,049 --> 00:07:33,549 but these are unprecedented times. 197 00:07:33,551 --> 00:07:35,050 Come here, lab rat! 198 00:07:35,052 --> 00:07:38,253 See? No herkups! It's warking, Daern! 199 00:07:38,255 --> 00:07:41,375 ?? 200 00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:43,211 Barack, I thought about it, 201 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,093 and I don't want to be like Hillary after all. 202 00:07:45,095 --> 00:07:46,862 She ordered a basket of deplorables, 203 00:07:46,864 --> 00:07:48,930 and when the waiter didn't laugh, she slapped him! 204 00:07:48,932 --> 00:07:50,399 [YAWNS] I'll call Bernie 205 00:07:50,401 --> 00:07:52,067 and arrange this t�te-�-t�te tout suite. 206 00:07:52,069 --> 00:07:54,035 Do you really think I can get through to him? 207 00:07:54,037 --> 00:07:56,946 Of course! You are the king of reaching across the aisle. 208 00:07:56,948 --> 00:07:58,039 Remember Strom? 209 00:07:58,041 --> 00:07:59,741 Reaching across the aisle to make peace 210 00:07:59,743 --> 00:08:02,338 with a segregationist Dixie-crat is one thing, 211 00:08:02,340 --> 00:08:04,875 but a guy who wants sick people to be given medicine? 212 00:08:04,877 --> 00:08:06,275 We have nothing in common. 213 00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:09,028 Just be like me... firm, officious, dignified, 214 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,046 humble yet proud, fair, judicious, kind... 215 00:08:11,048 --> 00:08:13,081 Bored! Just say you'll have my back. 216 00:08:13,083 --> 00:08:15,326 - I always do. - Okay, let's do it! 217 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,818 If I can work with Jesse Helms 218 00:08:16,820 --> 00:08:18,653 to keep those kids off those buses, 219 00:08:18,655 --> 00:08:21,256 well, surely I can talk to Bernie Sanders! 220 00:08:21,258 --> 00:08:23,892 ? GRANDIOSE MUSIC SWELLS ? 221 00:08:23,894 --> 00:08:25,260 ?? 222 00:08:25,262 --> 00:08:27,763 [OBAMA] Uh, thank you both for being here today. 223 00:08:27,765 --> 00:08:29,364 "The journey of a thousand miles 224 00:08:29,366 --> 00:08:31,266 begins with a single step". Lao-Tzu. 225 00:08:31,268 --> 00:08:33,720 I thought this was a Green New Deal summit. 226 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,430 Where is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? 227 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,772 The Green New who? 228 00:08:36,774 --> 00:08:38,725 I'm the mean "Green", buck-o, 229 00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,708 and the "New Deal" is what I say goes! 230 00:08:41,710 --> 00:08:42,711 I'm tired. 231 00:08:42,713 --> 00:08:44,679 Bernie, the real reason we're here today 232 00:08:44,681 --> 00:08:46,597 is so that you and Joe can heal your differences. 233 00:08:46,599 --> 00:08:49,777 And so I can become the face of the Democratic Party 234 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:50,852 once and for all! 235 00:08:50,854 --> 00:08:52,787 I'm not stopping him from being the face! 236 00:08:52,789 --> 00:08:55,689 The people just prefer my face to be the face! 237 00:08:55,691 --> 00:08:57,994 Enough talk! It's time to run at each other 238 00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:00,338 waving really heavy public trash cans! 239 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,841 - Huuuuah! - Calm down, fellas. 240 00:09:01,843 --> 00:09:03,110 Let's start with something easy. 241 00:09:03,112 --> 00:09:06,131 I want you each to say one nice thing about the other person. 242 00:09:06,133 --> 00:09:07,134 Bernie? 243 00:09:07,136 --> 00:09:08,669 [SCOFFS] Joe, when you're around. 244 00:09:08,671 --> 00:09:10,303 there's never an uncomfortable silence. 245 00:09:10,305 --> 00:09:12,671 Or a comfortable one. Any silence, really. 246 00:09:12,673 --> 00:09:13,808 Your turn, Joe. 247 00:09:13,810 --> 00:09:15,643 You're good at talking to the youth voters, 248 00:09:15,645 --> 00:09:17,472 the spoiled ones who spend all their money 249 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,223 on avocado-toast lattes 250 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,101 instead of sacking up and going off to fight in Korea! 251 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,478 - Great job, Joe. - Great job? 252 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,313 He gets a "great job" and I get bupkus? 253 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,190 Playing favorites again, Barack, 254 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:28,989 just like you did in the primary! 255 00:09:28,991 --> 00:09:30,395 Look, I just did what needed doing. 256 00:09:30,397 --> 00:09:32,236 When Jamie Dimon calls, I listen. 257 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,361 Now we're all fightin'! 258 00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:36,062 I feel like an interracial lifeguard again! 259 00:09:36,064 --> 00:09:38,297 [DON JR.] We have to be scientific about this, Eric! 260 00:09:38,299 --> 00:09:41,200 Let's try the proven method to cure coronavirus first. 261 00:09:41,202 --> 00:09:43,035 - Open up. - [GAGS AND COUGHS] 262 00:09:43,037 --> 00:09:45,171 - How do you feel? - Like a bathroom. 263 00:09:45,173 --> 00:09:47,919 Okay. Subject feels like a bathroom. 264 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,420 Do you have any poison back there 265 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,292 that tastes like noodles and butter? 266 00:09:51,294 --> 00:09:54,217 Subject is talking back to doctor like a total beeyotch. 267 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,849 Could be a symptom of coronavirus. 268 00:09:55,851 --> 00:09:57,283 Further testing needed. 269 00:09:57,285 --> 00:09:58,785 ? FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ? 270 00:09:58,787 --> 00:09:59,953 [SQUIRT] 271 00:09:59,955 --> 00:10:01,820 [SCRIBBLING] 272 00:10:01,822 --> 00:10:06,257 ?? 273 00:10:06,259 --> 00:10:07,960 [GLUG, GLUG, GLUG] 274 00:10:07,962 --> 00:10:10,696 ?? 275 00:10:10,698 --> 00:10:12,698 That's everything from the supply closet. 276 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:15,071 - How do you feel? - Actually pretty good! 277 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:18,136 I think the lighter fluid canceled out the hand sanitizer 278 00:10:18,138 --> 00:10:19,805 which canceled out the motor oil. 279 00:10:19,807 --> 00:10:21,773 Eric, shut up! That's it! 280 00:10:21,775 --> 00:10:24,943 All of these forces combined make the perfect cure! 281 00:10:24,945 --> 00:10:28,292 Last question. Do you have coronavirus? 282 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,749 - No? - Urethra! 283 00:10:30,751 --> 00:10:33,591 [OBAMA] My movement could run laps around your movement! 284 00:10:33,593 --> 00:10:36,421 Dup-dup! Maybe in 2008, but times have changed! 285 00:10:36,423 --> 00:10:38,856 With a single tweet, I could have this forest 286 00:10:38,858 --> 00:10:40,925 swarming with unshaven podcasters! 287 00:10:40,927 --> 00:10:43,361 At least I won the nomination on my first try! 288 00:10:43,363 --> 00:10:44,764 Hey! Look at me! Look at me! 289 00:10:44,766 --> 00:10:47,999 I'm thinking about swapping out Kamala for John Kasich! 290 00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:50,106 You'll never have what I had, Bernie. 291 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,106 Step aside so the true face of the party 292 00:10:52,108 --> 00:10:53,473 can assume his rightful place. 293 00:10:53,475 --> 00:10:56,241 Now you're talking, Barack! Wait. My face or your face? 294 00:10:56,243 --> 00:10:59,444 How's Guantanamo this time of year, Barack? Still open? 295 00:10:59,446 --> 00:11:00,745 How is your third house?! 296 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,175 You have three way bigger houses! 297 00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:05,663 Maaaaalarkey! Enough! 298 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,815 It's time for you two to kiss and make up 299 00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:09,083 like a coupla fruits. 300 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,086 Nothin' wrong with that, by the way. 301 00:11:10,088 --> 00:11:11,622 - [BOTH] But, but, but... - I said sit! 302 00:11:11,624 --> 00:11:14,964 Buncha screaming guys. Can't even hear myself scream! 303 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:17,425 Now it's my turn to be in charge here! 304 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,368 Do the thing where you say a nice thing 305 00:11:19,370 --> 00:11:20,469 about the other fella. 306 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,800 Bernie. [SIGHS] You've inspired millions. 307 00:11:22,802 --> 00:11:25,766 You too, Barack. Lotta inspiration there. 308 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,269 See? That's how you reach across the aisle. 309 00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,972 Now take a deep whiff of each other's hair. 310 00:11:30,974 --> 00:11:33,441 [DON JR.] In conclusion, this vaccine is 311 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:36,250 a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity 312 00:11:36,252 --> 00:11:39,530 for those seeking to make major scratch off a biblical plague. 313 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,948 Plus, if you take the vaccine yourself, you'll live forever! 314 00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:46,362 So, how many millions of units can we sign you up for? 315 00:11:46,364 --> 00:11:48,206 [MUSK] This vaccine doesn't exactly fit 316 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,726 with the Tesla Corp business model. 317 00:11:49,728 --> 00:11:52,902 Do you have any boxy cars or big holes in the ground? 318 00:11:52,904 --> 00:11:54,503 No, and stop asking! 319 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,833 Then it's a no from me, dawg. Sorry to this man. 320 00:11:56,835 --> 00:11:59,008 Well, Don, back to the drawing board! 321 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,470 Maybe you can cure my plantar warts with some paint thinner. 322 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,138 No way, lab rat ass rat! 323 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,574 We're selling this shit so we can throw a rockin' 324 00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,599 houseboat-sex-and-drinking party! 325 00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:10,780 - Rockin' out! Oh, yeah! - But we were finally spending 326 00:12:10,782 --> 00:12:12,772 - quality time together. - [CHUCKLES] Oy, oy! 327 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:15,566 - [OBAMA AND BERNIE SOBBING] - Just let it out, fellas. 328 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,818 They say they want change, 329 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,977 but when you give it to them, what do they say? 330 00:12:19,979 --> 00:12:21,906 I should have been a Supreme Court Justice. 331 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:25,627 You devote your whole life to the public good, and for what? 332 00:12:25,629 --> 00:12:27,745 For a KFC-huffing casino failure 333 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,996 to level everything you built 334 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,082 and let a bunch of bazooka-toting gout patients 335 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,376 stomp all over it in their camo-print Crocs? 336 00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,253 See? You folks are the same sort of 337 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,588 weepy do-gooder dweebs after all. 338 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,840 - Honestly, I needed this. - [GROANS] Me too. 339 00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,226 Now can we all agree to make nice and let me be the face? 340 00:12:43,228 --> 00:12:44,994 I'm cool with it if Bernie's cool with it. 341 00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:47,463 - Yeah, okay, sure. Fine. - Yahoo! 342 00:12:47,465 --> 00:12:50,033 I'm prouder than when Hunter called me up from Ukraine 343 00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:52,168 and said, "Dad, I got the job!" 344 00:12:52,170 --> 00:12:54,304 [ERIC] Hey, Dr. Don. 345 00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:58,207 What do you think will happen if I lick this hot curling iron? 346 00:12:58,209 --> 00:13:00,876 Shut up, Eric! I told you the R&D phase 347 00:13:00,878 --> 00:13:02,945 of Doctor Don Incorporated is over! 348 00:13:02,947 --> 00:13:06,092 Now we are in the GP phase! That stands for "Get Paid", 349 00:13:06,094 --> 00:13:09,245 and I just made it up, so please congratulate me already! 350 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,853 - Congratu... - Shut up, Eric! 351 00:13:10,855 --> 00:13:13,121 I'm trying to think of a way to rope sick people 352 00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:16,460 desperate for a sliver of hope into buying this thing! 353 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,546 Whoa! I wanna buy that thing! 354 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:21,830 I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow. 355 00:13:21,832 --> 00:13:25,376 Is your pillow mushy and damp from all your nosebleeds? 356 00:13:25,378 --> 00:13:27,346 Do you have bad sleep habits 357 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,432 like waking up every 12 minutes 358 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,700 to swing a blade in the air at the vagrant 359 00:13:31,702 --> 00:13:34,972 trying to steal the coat hanger you use as a hairbrush? 360 00:13:34,974 --> 00:13:37,239 Try sleeping on MyPillow. 361 00:13:37,241 --> 00:13:39,028 That's it! That's the answer! 362 00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:42,211 We gotta get Mike Lindell out of that TV and in on this! 363 00:13:42,213 --> 00:13:45,448 I thought this was sort of a two-man operation. 364 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,649 If he can sell millions of dumb MyPillows, 365 00:13:47,651 --> 00:13:50,386 imagine what he can do for our dumb vaccine. 366 00:13:50,388 --> 00:13:52,521 - Somebody say MyPillow?! - [BOTH SCREAM] 367 00:13:52,523 --> 00:13:56,459 [NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS] 368 00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:57,961 Welcome back to Meet the Press. 369 00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,629 I'm Chuck Todd, and joining me are the two biggest names 370 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:03,924 in Democratic politics... Bernie Sanders and Barack Obama. 371 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,733 And I'd also like to throw my name in the ring. 372 00:14:05,735 --> 00:14:07,845 Just kidding. Unl... Well, unless... ? 373 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,504 - I-I don't know. Maybe. - Thanks for having us, Chuck. 374 00:14:09,506 --> 00:14:11,807 Barack and I have decided to join forces 375 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,308 on a nationwide speaking tour 376 00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,376 for the 2020 Democratic presidential candidate. 377 00:14:15,378 --> 00:14:16,812 - [SLAP] - [BIDEN] That's me! 378 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,346 Why am I at the little table again? 379 00:14:18,348 --> 00:14:20,701 Sorry, Mr. Vice President. It was a tight fit, 380 00:14:20,703 --> 00:14:22,568 and I wanted these two titans of democracy 381 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,419 within high-five distance. You understand. 382 00:14:24,421 --> 00:14:26,214 Fine, but just tell your niece 383 00:14:26,216 --> 00:14:27,817 she's hogging all the elbow space! 384 00:14:27,819 --> 00:14:30,286 Annabelle, you heard the Vice President. Make some room. 385 00:14:31,569 --> 00:14:34,573 - Hi. I'm Mike Lindell and... - _ 386 00:14:34,575 --> 00:14:36,957 And I am Mist... Doctor Don! 387 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:40,267 This is my lab rat, Eric. He is very sick. 388 00:14:40,269 --> 00:14:42,229 [COUGHS] I'm at the end of my rope. 389 00:14:42,231 --> 00:14:44,037 Take this. Take it, Eric! 390 00:14:44,039 --> 00:14:47,040 What Don Jr. is feeding his rat friend there 391 00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:49,985 - is MyCOVIDVaccine. - [DON JR.] By Doctor Don! 392 00:14:49,987 --> 00:14:54,214 Unlike other vaccines promising to give you coronavirus, 393 00:14:54,216 --> 00:14:58,511 MyCOVIDVaccine doesn't promise to give you coronavirus. 394 00:14:58,513 --> 00:15:00,314 - [CROWD OOHS] - How do you feel, rat boy? 395 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,555 Much better! 396 00:15:01,557 --> 00:15:04,258 [CROWD MEMBER] Tits out for the rat boy! 397 00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:06,126 They loved the shit out of that vaccine! 398 00:15:06,128 --> 00:15:09,163 I always knew we had something special down in that basement, 399 00:15:09,165 --> 00:15:11,197 even when I was coughing up blood! 400 00:15:11,199 --> 00:15:14,912 I haven't moved product that fast since my dealer Slice 401 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,705 let me sell to all the raccoons 402 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,638 that were living in my burned-out minivan! 403 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,372 Wait. What the shit is this?! 404 00:15:22,374 --> 00:15:24,964 Where's my face? Where's my name?! 405 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:28,396 I ran the infomercial by a few focus groups, 406 00:15:28,398 --> 00:15:31,006 and it turns out MyCOVIDVaccine 407 00:15:31,008 --> 00:15:33,013 sells much better with your likeness 408 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,932 completely removed from the product. 409 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,158 But the consumers go nuts for Eric. 410 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,060 Oh, wow! I bet it's because 411 00:15:40,062 --> 00:15:42,062 people naturally feel bad for me. 412 00:15:42,064 --> 00:15:45,276 But what about me?! What am I supposed to do, 413 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,166 pour bleach down my own throat?! 414 00:15:47,168 --> 00:15:49,902 Now you have more time to plan your first annual 415 00:15:49,904 --> 00:15:52,005 houseboat-sex-and-drinking party. 416 00:15:52,007 --> 00:15:55,369 Oh, yeah. I forgot that's why we're doing this whole thing. 417 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,704 For that party. Not for... hanging out. Eh... 418 00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,707 I probably won't be able to make it 419 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,904 thanks to my new infomercial schedule, 420 00:16:01,906 --> 00:16:05,775 but you can put my sailor suit on a starfish if you want! 421 00:16:07,522 --> 00:16:10,389 - ? INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS ? - _ 422 00:16:11,710 --> 00:16:13,710 _ 423 00:16:15,362 --> 00:16:17,363 _ 424 00:16:17,365 --> 00:16:21,199 - ?? - _ 425 00:16:21,201 --> 00:16:23,355 Hey, man. I'm late for my gig. 426 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,802 Think I can come in through the back? 427 00:16:24,804 --> 00:16:25,986 - Name? - Joe Biden. 428 00:16:25,988 --> 00:16:27,613 Sorry, boss. You're not on the list. 429 00:16:27,615 --> 00:16:29,990 This is the VIP entrance. Check general admission. 430 00:16:29,992 --> 00:16:31,493 I don't need to be on the list. 431 00:16:31,495 --> 00:16:33,797 My name's up there on the marquee. See? 432 00:16:33,799 --> 00:16:35,765 I didn't bring my reading glasses. 433 00:16:36,656 --> 00:16:39,290 - [GRUNTING] - [GLASS SHATTERING] 434 00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:42,760 There you are! I've been waiting for like a million hours! 435 00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:45,797 Sorry. Mike Lindell wanted me to contour my face 436 00:16:45,799 --> 00:16:48,533 a little bit to play up the rodentine features. 437 00:16:48,535 --> 00:16:50,200 I thought R&D was over. 438 00:16:50,202 --> 00:16:51,436 Well, it's back on! 439 00:16:51,438 --> 00:16:53,437 I thought it would be a good idea 440 00:16:53,439 --> 00:16:54,971 to think of some more vaccines. 441 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,056 Just for us. No Lindell! 442 00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,143 I'll have to make sure our hang sesh 443 00:16:59,145 --> 00:17:01,447 doesn't conflict with my legal proceedings. 444 00:17:01,449 --> 00:17:03,900 - What the shit?! - Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. 445 00:17:03,902 --> 00:17:06,382 I'm being sued. A class-action! 446 00:17:06,384 --> 00:17:08,251 Eric, you're being sued 447 00:17:08,253 --> 00:17:10,487 for the wrongful death of thousands?! 448 00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:14,865 Turns out MyCOVIDVaccine is actually worse than coronavirus. 449 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,226 [CHUCKLING] Even holding the bottle can be fatal. 450 00:17:17,228 --> 00:17:19,162 [WHIMPERING] This is so not fair! 451 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,565 Those wrongful deaths should be mine! 452 00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:25,000 We did this together, and I'm not even named in the suit! 453 00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,635 You're the one that wanted to take 454 00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:29,964 our brother-science operation out of the basement. 455 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,242 I was perfectly fine ingesting chemicals just the two of us. 456 00:17:33,244 --> 00:17:35,052 W-Well, are you free to ingest some now? 457 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,479 I could squeeze the meat out of an old Incredible Hulk doll. 458 00:17:37,481 --> 00:17:40,282 I gotta meet up with Rudy Giuliani for my trial. 459 00:17:40,284 --> 00:17:42,817 He's, like, the only lawyer that'll come near our family. 460 00:17:42,819 --> 00:17:45,420 I should be on trial for those deaths, too! 461 00:17:45,422 --> 00:17:49,324 It should be me! Not stupid brother Eric! 462 00:17:49,326 --> 00:17:51,902 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [BERNIE] Hello, Wisconsin! 463 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,446 Thank you for being here tonight in honor of the most 464 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,830 important face in the room... 465 00:17:55,832 --> 00:17:58,400 - Joe Biden! - Joe Biden! 466 00:17:58,402 --> 00:18:00,202 That ain't my face! 467 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:01,836 - 5, 6, 7, 8, hit it! - Ladies and gentlemen! 468 00:18:01,838 --> 00:18:03,407 [SOFTLY] In celebration of Joe Biden's campaign... 469 00:18:03,409 --> 00:18:06,273 [LOUDLY] Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders! 470 00:18:06,275 --> 00:18:07,375 [PEPPY MUSIC PLAYS] 471 00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:09,243 I think healthcare should be free. 472 00:18:09,245 --> 00:18:11,345 And I think it should be public and private, too. 473 00:18:11,347 --> 00:18:13,395 - How's that gonna work? - It's been workin'. 474 00:18:13,397 --> 00:18:14,595 Yeah, whatever! 475 00:18:14,597 --> 00:18:16,641 [TOGETHER] ? But at the end of the day ? 476 00:18:16,643 --> 00:18:18,920 ? We're both the same shade of blue ? 477 00:18:18,922 --> 00:18:20,522 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 478 00:18:20,524 --> 00:18:22,516 You know, I repealed "don't ask, don't tell". 479 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,192 Yeah, I think I wanted to do that in, uh, 1992. 480 00:18:25,194 --> 00:18:26,594 Hey, who's countin'? 481 00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:28,730 - I'm countin', I'm countin'! - Yeah, whatever. 482 00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,431 ? But at the end of the day ? 483 00:18:30,433 --> 00:18:34,402 ? We're the two top dogs of blue ? 484 00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:37,605 You know, people wonder how a democratic centrist... 485 00:18:37,607 --> 00:18:39,640 And a democratic socialist... 486 00:18:39,642 --> 00:18:42,576 ? Can find some common ground ? 487 00:18:42,578 --> 00:18:44,788 ? Well, with our mutual admiration ? 488 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,647 ? For the late John McCain ? 489 00:18:46,649 --> 00:18:49,583 ? There's commonality to be found ? 490 00:18:49,585 --> 00:18:51,851 Hey, Barack, when are we gonna close Guantanamo? 491 00:18:51,853 --> 00:18:53,422 Uh, soon enough. I'm working on it. 492 00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,007 Soon enough? Yeah, I won't wait up for dinner. 493 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,009 - Hey, it's complicated! - Oh, sure. 494 00:18:57,011 --> 00:18:58,969 ? But at the end of the day ? 495 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,728 ? We're both the same shade of ? 496 00:19:01,730 --> 00:19:03,363 ?? 497 00:19:03,365 --> 00:19:04,531 ? Blue ? 498 00:19:04,533 --> 00:19:06,900 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 499 00:19:06,902 --> 00:19:08,435 [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING] 500 00:19:08,437 --> 00:19:10,135 [REPORTER] Eric, how do you feel about having 501 00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:11,416 so much blood on your hands? 502 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,651 - Um... - And isn't some other badass guy 503 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,653 also responsible for those deaths, too?! 504 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,349 My client has no further comments, 505 00:19:17,351 --> 00:19:18,656 except to say that his lawyer 506 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,599 has a reservation tonight at the Rusty Scupper. 507 00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:24,183 If any ladies are interested, show up with a pink carnation 508 00:19:24,185 --> 00:19:26,641 in between your honkers so I know you're down to get gross. 509 00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:28,078 Look at me, lab rat! 510 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,456 [SOBBING] Look at me! 511 00:19:30,458 --> 00:19:32,378 ? I'm down here ? 512 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,129 ? And you're up here ? 513 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:35,884 ? But you need to be here ? 514 00:19:35,886 --> 00:19:39,051 ? Actually I need to be here ? 515 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,720 Hey! Why did you make me a big rusty sign? 516 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:44,915 Signs can't be president! They got no grit, no know-how! 517 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,558 Joe! I didn't realize you were coming tonight. 518 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,206 I would've left tickets for you at will call. 519 00:19:48,208 --> 00:19:50,390 This is my dang speaking tour! 520 00:19:50,392 --> 00:19:52,773 Of course it is. And you did such a good job 521 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,539 bringing us headliners together, we thought 522 00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:57,111 it might be nice for you to sit back and enjoy the show. 523 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,516 From the comfort of your basement 524 00:19:58,518 --> 00:20:00,280 as you stain the wallpaper yellow 525 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,453 just by hanging out in the same room too much. 526 00:20:02,455 --> 00:20:05,389 But I should be up there! I'm the face! 527 00:20:05,391 --> 00:20:08,080 Unless... [GASPS] I'm the ass?! 528 00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:10,290 Just for a little while. Until you're elected president. 529 00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:12,330 And then you can be the face on nights and weekends. 530 00:20:12,332 --> 00:20:13,711 Aw, who needs you two! 531 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,680 I'm going on my own speaking tour, 532 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,298 organized and planned by me and me alone! 533 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,550 My name in lights! 534 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,919 A gal in a headset screaming, "Five minutes!" 535 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:25,189 Big ol' tray of deli meat in the back. Just you wait and see! 536 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,558 Now someone just tell me how do I send an e-mail. 537 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,728 - [BIDEN] Hey, Bailey! Nice to see ya! - _ 538 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,865 I'm glad your mom, Liz Warren, let you join me here tonight. 539 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,668 A one, and a two, and a one-two-three. 540 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,703 ? I say how do you do ? 541 00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:41,438 - [BAILEY YELPING] - ? You say woofy woof-a-roo ? 542 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:45,075 ? But one thing is we both hate fleas! ? 543 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,545 - [CLICK] - Hey! I'm headlinin' here! 544 00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:51,515 Despite the drink in my hand and the houseboat underfoot, 545 00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:53,617 this party somehow sucks ass. 546 00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:56,986 Your bad mood is a major mood, and it is so not a mood. 547 00:20:56,988 --> 00:20:59,989 We should be celebrating my scientific genius, 548 00:20:59,991 --> 00:21:02,558 but now there's no vaccine, no Eric... 549 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,528 and, actually, where is all the freaking sex?! 550 00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:08,724 Real talk... when I invited a bunch of girls to a party 551 00:21:08,726 --> 00:21:10,194 in the midst of a global pandemic, 552 00:21:10,196 --> 00:21:11,852 they threw high-key shade at me. 553 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,187 Even Kanye said no, and that guy said yes 554 00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,504 to slandering Harriet Tubman. 555 00:21:15,506 --> 00:21:17,141 So no one's even coming? 556 00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:20,443 Everyone else is too lame sauce to even take the red pill, 557 00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:24,400 including my newborn birth child who also RSVP'd "no" to me. 558 00:21:24,402 --> 00:21:25,915 Can you believe the rebellion? 559 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:28,243 Maybe we could just do experiments 560 00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:29,518 on each other instead? 561 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,205 I found some toilet cleaner below deck! 562 00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:33,856 Let me feed it to you and see what happens! 563 00:21:33,858 --> 00:21:35,992 Sir, this is a Wendy's! 564 00:21:35,994 --> 00:21:38,128 [BIDEN] It's like I'm not even there, Hillary! 565 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,797 It's some rusty sign instead. I can't compete with that! 566 00:21:41,799 --> 00:21:42,898 They're ignoring you? 567 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:44,586 - Pfft. Lucky. - What do you mean? 568 00:21:44,588 --> 00:21:47,095 No attention is better than outright disgust. 569 00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:49,037 My surrogates actively hated me. 570 00:21:49,039 --> 00:21:51,540 You should see some of the vile text messages 571 00:21:51,542 --> 00:21:54,189 - I got from Katy Perry. - I guess that's that. 572 00:21:54,191 --> 00:21:57,580 Barack and Bernie are the faces, and I'm just the ass. 573 00:21:57,582 --> 00:22:00,442 Oh, boo hoo. A Black guy and a Jewish guy 574 00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:03,320 are doing all the leg work for the old, toothy white guy. 575 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,948 Joe, don't you realize how easy you have it? 576 00:22:05,950 --> 00:22:08,075 You've got the veneer of progress 577 00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:10,244 without having to go out there yourself 578 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:12,830 and say things like, "Democracy is real", 579 00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:14,107 and, "Cops need to cool it". 580 00:22:14,109 --> 00:22:17,420 Hey, let's not demonize lots and lots of bad apples. 581 00:22:17,422 --> 00:22:20,084 Just be the vacant, smiling face 582 00:22:20,086 --> 00:22:22,570 propped up by the sweaty, hardworking ones. 583 00:22:22,572 --> 00:22:23,972 Piece of cake. 584 00:22:23,974 --> 00:22:27,943 Vacant smile? Me? Well, I guess I could try. 585 00:22:27,945 --> 00:22:29,888 [ERIC] I am not [HICCUP] guilty 586 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,849 of the crimes [HICCUP] set before me. 587 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:33,642 I could have cured those hiccups... 588 00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:35,083 back when things were simpler. 589 00:22:35,085 --> 00:22:37,980 Once you go corporate, the fun of inventing boxy deathtraps 590 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,356 flies out the window. 591 00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:41,196 Just like most of your human passengers. 592 00:22:41,198 --> 00:22:43,133 Next thing you know, everybody's asking you 593 00:22:43,135 --> 00:22:45,593 for a rocket that, like, won't even explode. 594 00:22:45,595 --> 00:22:48,156 - Very much not gang-gang. - So true. 595 00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,701 Making Eric drink all those chemicals in the basement, 596 00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:52,411 and then writing down what happened... 597 00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:55,603 those were the best moments of my entire life! 598 00:22:55,605 --> 00:22:59,304 I was just too blinded by profit and houseboat sex to see it. 599 00:22:59,306 --> 00:23:00,883 Yeah. Okay, boomer! 600 00:23:00,885 --> 00:23:02,254 Now you understand what it's like 601 00:23:02,256 --> 00:23:04,935 to be a misunderstood genius like c'est moi. 602 00:23:04,937 --> 00:23:06,304 [ERIC] Just for the record, 603 00:23:06,306 --> 00:23:08,927 this whole thing wasn't entirely my idea. 604 00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:12,686 My brother Don Jr. also has blood on his hands. 605 00:23:12,688 --> 00:23:15,489 Aww! Lab rat ass... 606 00:23:15,491 --> 00:23:19,561 ?? 607 00:23:20,363 --> 00:23:22,763 [SIGHS] 608 00:23:22,765 --> 00:23:25,979 Hey, folks! Just wanted to drop off this basket 609 00:23:25,981 --> 00:23:28,688 as a "thank you" for all your hard work out there. 610 00:23:28,690 --> 00:23:29,990 I don't deserve it. 611 00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:31,472 Barack and I are no longer speaking. 612 00:23:31,474 --> 00:23:33,412 Thank you for the basket. Please put the Vermont cheddar 613 00:23:33,414 --> 00:23:35,551 - on my vanity. - What if I want the Vermont cheddar? 614 00:23:35,553 --> 00:23:37,900 I thought you two were bosom buddies! 615 00:23:37,902 --> 00:23:39,291 Singin' and dancin' together 616 00:23:39,293 --> 00:23:41,702 like it was Bandstand after they integrated. 617 00:23:41,704 --> 00:23:44,463 Your friend over here insisted on top billing, 618 00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:48,300 even though I was routinely bringing in the 18-to-25 demo! 619 00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:51,261 Oh, you mean the demo that never votes? Big accomplishment. 620 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,139 Just because the DNC decided to sideline 621 00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:57,291 its first true revolutionary candidate in a generation! 622 00:23:57,293 --> 00:24:00,228 Maybe the DNC didn't want to gamble on a fringe candidate. 623 00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:04,590 Oh, because that totally blew up in Republicans' faces in 2016. 624 00:24:04,592 --> 00:24:07,184 Not! It had the opposite effect! 625 00:24:07,186 --> 00:24:09,154 Fine. If you two can't get along, 626 00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,990 I guess I'll have to be the face of this party after all. 627 00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:14,393 I just hope they like my Cosby impression! 628 00:24:16,063 --> 00:24:19,031 Eat the steel wool, Dr. Don. For science. 629 00:24:19,033 --> 00:24:21,400 - [CRUNCH] - Okay, it's not so b... Aarrgh! 630 00:24:21,402 --> 00:24:24,136 Patient feels like absolute dog ass! 631 00:24:24,138 --> 00:24:27,405 Doctor feels same. Could these two things be connected? 632 00:24:27,407 --> 00:24:28,907 Further testing required. 633 00:24:28,909 --> 00:24:31,443 Is there steel wool for one more? 634 00:24:31,445 --> 00:24:33,511 Eric! I thought you were in jail! 635 00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:35,346 They let me out on bail! 636 00:24:35,348 --> 00:24:37,916 Apparently they don't consider me a flight risk 637 00:24:37,918 --> 00:24:40,384 because I don't know how to walk through a metal detector. 638 00:24:40,386 --> 00:24:41,773 Sorry about before. 639 00:24:41,775 --> 00:24:43,609 I was just jealous that you got to be 640 00:24:43,611 --> 00:24:46,780 the face of pharmaceutical malfeasance without me. 641 00:24:46,782 --> 00:24:48,363 Apology accepted! 642 00:24:48,365 --> 00:24:51,734 Next time, we'll be up on that witness stand together. 643 00:24:51,736 --> 00:24:54,103 Scientist-brothers again? 644 00:24:55,112 --> 00:24:59,114 Now open up. This Incredible Hulk meat won't eat itself. 645 00:24:59,116 --> 00:25:01,283 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 646 00:25:03,141 --> 00:25:05,776 [CROWD MEMBER] Ugh! Come on! Another warm-up act? 647 00:25:05,778 --> 00:25:08,171 I know I'm not the reason you're here, 648 00:25:08,173 --> 00:25:09,780 but the headliners couldn't get over 649 00:25:09,782 --> 00:25:11,348 their massive friggin' egos. 650 00:25:11,350 --> 00:25:13,784 So, without further adieu... 651 00:25:13,786 --> 00:25:16,621 ? I say how do you do ? 652 00:25:16,623 --> 00:25:19,790 ? You say woofy woof-a-roo ? 653 00:25:19,792 --> 00:25:22,125 ? But one thing we both hate ? 654 00:25:22,127 --> 00:25:25,496 ? Is fleas ? 655 00:25:25,498 --> 00:25:27,798 [CROWD MEMBER] This is so bad, it's almost good again. 656 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,500 I think what our friend Joe Biden is trying to say... 657 00:25:30,502 --> 00:25:33,870 ... is that we forgot who the real candidate is, 658 00:25:33,872 --> 00:25:35,138 whether by mistake 659 00:25:35,140 --> 00:25:37,325 or by forcefully pushing that information 660 00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:39,008 to the outer reaches of our minds. 661 00:25:39,010 --> 00:25:40,874 So you're cool with me being the face? 662 00:25:40,876 --> 00:25:43,484 Uh, sure, as long as we can be the brain, heart, 663 00:25:43,486 --> 00:25:45,781 arms, legs, DNA, and power of attorney. 664 00:25:45,783 --> 00:25:48,151 Aww! You'd do that for me? 665 00:25:48,153 --> 00:25:49,854 Five, six, seven, eight, hit it! 666 00:25:49,856 --> 00:25:52,221 ? 'Cause at the end of the day ? 667 00:25:52,223 --> 00:25:55,157 ? We're all the same shade of ? 668 00:25:55,159 --> 00:25:57,426 ?? 669 00:25:57,428 --> 00:25:58,595 - Joe. - Come on, Joe. 670 00:25:58,597 --> 00:26:00,162 [BIDEN] Oh. Blue. 671 00:26:00,164 --> 00:26:01,531 [CROWD MEMBER] Awesome song! 672 00:26:01,533 --> 00:26:03,798 Hey, anyone else still not have healthcare? 673 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,369 The biggest names of the left were out last night 674 00:26:06,371 --> 00:26:07,545 in Tempe, Arizona. 675 00:26:07,547 --> 00:26:09,082 - If the Democratic Party had a voice, - _ 676 00:26:09,084 --> 00:26:10,784 it would be Barack Obama's. 677 00:26:10,786 --> 00:26:12,807 And if it had a heart, it would be Bernie Sanders. 678 00:26:12,809 --> 00:26:15,477 And if it had to have a face, I guess it'd be Joe Biden's. 679 00:26:15,479 --> 00:26:18,080 And wow. How 'bout that pedestrian sign on the keys? 680 00:26:18,082 --> 00:26:20,182 Should I be worried about that sign? 681 00:26:20,184 --> 00:26:23,052 Unless you gave it a massage backstage, you'll be fine. 682 00:26:23,054 --> 00:26:25,954 Only a shoulder squeeze. Nothing crazy. 683 00:26:25,956 --> 00:26:27,389 ['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS] 684 00:26:27,391 --> 00:26:30,359 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 685 00:26:30,361 --> 00:26:33,995 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 686 00:26:33,997 --> 00:26:36,365 ? Is Donald Trump the president? ? 687 00:26:36,367 --> 00:26:38,166 ? Yes, he is ? 688 00:26:38,168 --> 00:26:41,001 ? Yes, he is, we elected him president ? 689 00:26:41,003 --> 00:26:43,737 ? Is Donald Trump the president? ? 690 00:26:43,739 --> 00:26:44,907 ? Yes, he is ? 691 00:26:44,909 --> 00:26:48,109 ? We had a vote and elected him president ? 692 00:26:48,111 --> 00:26:53,114 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 693 00:26:55,251 --> 00:26:57,017 ? Donald Trump ? 694 00:26:57,019 --> 00:27:00,455 ? He is our president ? 695 00:27:00,457 --> 00:27:03,857 ? We made him president ? 696 00:27:03,859 --> 00:27:06,127 ? We did it ? 697 00:27:06,129 --> 00:27:10,064 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 698 00:27:10,066 --> 00:27:13,134 ? We elected Donald Trump ? 699 00:27:13,136 --> 00:27:16,804 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 700 00:27:16,806 --> 00:27:20,273 ? Donald Trump is the president ? 701 00:27:20,275 --> 00:27:23,944 ? Yeah ? 702 00:27:23,946 --> 00:27:25,813 Trump! 55790

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