Original subtitles

Terrific!

Special delivery for Mr. Loon E. Tunes.

Ah.

All right.

Catching some Z's, huh?

Did you go pee-pee while you sleepy, huh?

I heard you can't hold it in.

Hartman?

Hey, you quakin' in your boots?

You better be, 'cause I'm your new attendant.

The name's Hal I.

And you're in my world now.

Oh!

Psycho on the loose!

Good morning!

Halloween's upon us!

Hello, my witches and warlocks.

It's your ghoulish DJ Aurora.

I hope you're ready for tomorrow night and all the spooky things that frighten.

I know I am.

Hey, you missed. The yolk's on you.

Thanks for the free breakfast.

Rocky Balboa style.

I'm making the kids' costumes out of tinfoil

'cause I'm old-school, Teresa.

- Thanks! - Have fun!

Violet Valentine.

Have a happy Halloween tomorrow, Hubie.

You, too, Mrs. Banerjee. I hope you get more tricks than treats.

Okay. Number 59. Looking for 59.

Yep!

Right here, Pubie.

Give me a half-pound of roast beef.

Mr. Landolfa…

…Hubie. With an H.

Not anymore.

Okay.

Mrs. Phillips, I'll be with you in a minute.

Is that the first girl you ever talked to, Pubie?

Hey, no. I talk to my girlfriend all the time.

- I've never seen you with a girlfriend. - She is a Canadian resident of Canada.

Uh, Canada Dry region.

Mr. O'Doyle.

Shouldn't you and your cohort be, uh, in school right now?

It's Sunday, dumb-ass.

Know what? I don't want the roast beef.

- Give me some of the lamb's head. - Lamb's head? We don't have lamb's head.

- No? What's that right there? - Which one?

Got ya!

It's fun working with you, always.

That is a good one.

Hey, you got Sergeant Downey.

Hey, Steve. It's Kenny Fonda with the Westford PD.

- How you doin' there, Kenny? - Good, buddy. Good.

Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads-up.

We had someone escape from the psych ward up here.

A guy from your neck of the woods.

Richard Hartman.

Wow, uh…

Richie Hartman's been locked up since Carter was president.

Yeah. Just thought you might wanna know

in case he gets sentimental for his hometown.

And didn't you testify against him, Steve?

He doesn't strike me as a forgive-and-forget type.

Yeah, but you know what? I hope he comes looking for me.

'Cause he will be in a world of pain.

Of pain...

- What the hell? - I gotta go, Kenny.

- Hubie, what do you want? - Hey, Officer Steve.

I saw Andy O'Doyle buying suspiciously massive amount of eggs and toilet paper.

- Not a crime to buy eggs or toilet paper. - Oh, yeah. That goes without saying.

But it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce malicious intent.

- Okay. Yeah. - Lambardi's Pizza's doin' a sale tomorrow.

One slice, one soda, one dollar, if you wear a costume to the shop.

To me, that's a great deal, but it's also a riot waiting to happen.

Call the hotline.

I did call the hotline 100 times,

but I think you guys got a connection problem.

- Salem PD. - Yes. Your officer, this is Hubie Dubo...

- Hubie, get in here. - Okay.

- Bring it in here. Get in here. - What's up?

Now, it's Halloween. In Salem.

And I got a lot of real issues on my plate.

I know.

Look who's here.

- Hubie! - Hubie!

- Do we do... - Get out of here!

Over and out...

Guys, let's get him!

Come on! Come on!

Eat some shit!

Catch this!

Go!

Snitch.

Why?

He flew like 25 feet!

Well, hello, there.

You need a hand?

Boy, that was quite a tumble you took there, fella.

Nope. That's...

Nothing broken, physically speaking.

Well, it's not right what those hooligans did.

We gotta expect a scare here or there. Kids being kids.

- Oh, say, that's some heck of a thermos. - Yeah, that's my baby.

It's kind of like a Swiss Army thermos. I made it when I was in the Scouts.

Maybe you've had enough bike riding for one day.

- How about if I give you a lift home? - You're not gonna have to drive far.

'Cause I live right over here.

Oh.

Wow.

Your kids must have helped you with all of this.

Oh, yeah, I don't have any kids. As far as I know.

No, I definitely don't.

I do have a girlfriend. She lives up in Canada.

Northern section. Ontarionto.

So, you probably couldn't find her up there.

- Ah. Look at those purple mums. - Mom planted those.

And you gotta love the old-school ghost you got working over there.

Yep.

Scary ghost. Yes.

And looks like we're neighbors.

'Cause I just moved in right there this morning.

- You moved here? - I'm Walter Lambert.

Hubie Dubois.

It's a pleasure, Hubie. I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna invite you and Mom over for dinner once I get my kitchen set up,

'cause I make the best chili east side of the Rockies.

Ooh. My belly just said yes for the both of us.

And your butt just made some room.

They must've got loosened out of me with the landing.

- It's... it's fine. It's natural. - It is.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

Anyway, you take care, Hubie. All right?

- Yeah. - And have a happy Halloween.

Oh, and Hubie.

If you ever hear some commotion

coming from my house, it's nothing to be concerned about.

So, you don't need to come over and check on me or anything.

In fact, it's important that you don't.

Sure thing, Mr. Lambert.

Walter.

Hey, I'm home.

Ah! No! Ah!

Did that darn skeleton frighten you again, Hubie?

No! I was just practicing yelling, Mom. Everything's good.

Oh, dear boy. This town is making you so jittery.

It just breaks my heart.

I'm fine. Is that a new shirt?

Mrs. Banerjee and I went to the thrift store today.

Guess how much? Fifty cents!

"Boner donor?" Now, what does that even mean?

Well, I think boner's another word for a mistake.

Like, I made a big boner in math class.

So, maybe boner donor means I donate mistakes.

That makes sense.

I met the fellow who moved into the Andersons' house next door.

Walter Lambert. Seemed like good people.

- Oh, well, that's nice. - Yeah.

Some improvement over those Andersons.

The way they used to toss firecrackers at you.

Oh, no. That was the Epsteins.

The Andersons used to throw garbage into my bedroom window.

Well, who was it chased you around the yard with a tennis racket?

That was Dad.

God rest his soul.

- Oh, for sure. - Cookies are done.

You wanna help me frost 'em?

- Can I lick the spoon, or… - Deal!

Okay.

Now, I know that Halloween is very special to you, sweet boy.

It's been your favorite holiday since you were knee-high.

Well, we're Jewish, so that eliminated Christmas and Easter and Ash Wednesday.

And I am so proud at how hard you work

to make sure that Halloween is safe and fun for everyone in this town.

I'm sensin' a big "but" coming.

- But… - Okay.

…this town is as full of bullies now as it ever was in the 1600s.

You have to learn to stand up for yourself.

I just get scared.

I know you do.

We all get scared.

But this year, you're gonna have to find that bravery that's deep within you.

It's time.

Ah, the good old days.

When the town toughs only used to throw crab apples.

Ah, Officer Steve. You always had it going on.

"Most likely to marry his pillow." Still don't get that one.

"Most friendly."

"Most popular."

"Best looking."

The high school hat trick.

Could not have happened to a nicer woman.

Maybe if I wasn't such a scaredy-cat like mom was sayin',

I would have asked you out.

And the cutest couple would have been Violet and Hubie.

Monster!

Hubie, what was that?

Sorry, Mom! I'll clean that up!

Did you make a messy?

I said I would clean it up! It's not a big deal!

What are you cleaning up? Did you have an accident?

No! It wasn't an accident.

It was on purpose?

Mom!

Okay, kids, you can't have candy for breakfast,

but you can sprinkle some on top of your cereal.

- Yes! - Oh, yeah!

Welcome back. You're Watching Wake Up Boston.

And it's October 31st, which is a special day across the country,

but most especially in Salem, America's unofficial Halloween capital.

And it's gonna be a great day in Salem. Right, Jenna Thomas?

Yes, Erin. Clear and a balmy 61 degrees.

Ready for trick-or-treating and all the spooky stuff.

Ooh! Get that candy, kids.

And now, Wake Up Boston's Tracy Phillips is live with the Mayor of Salem,

David Benson, and... Tracy, you went with Harley Quinn, too?

Sure did, Erin.

Only one day a year you get to show your ex what he's missin'.

Hey!

You know it. Ooh! Ooh!

- Ooh! Ooh! - Yeah!

So, Mayor Benson, the sun sets in eight short hours,

but the spooky preparations are in full swing around here.

Indeed it is, Tracy.

As you can see, we're already setting up our world-famous Halloween parade.

And a few blocks over, we got a street fair.

And you're expecting some pretty impressive crowds here this evening.

Oh, we're expecting over 70,000 people to visit Salem this evening.

Well, I know where I'm gonna be tonight. Reporting from Salem, Tracy Phillips.

Back to you, Erin.

- Is this the way you found him? - Yeah.

And I was gonna take poor Peanut

to the Halloween Carnival tonight for the petting zoo.

But what kid would wanna pet a pig that look like that?

Did you hear anything or see anything unusual last night?

Well, I woke up 'cause the animals sounded agitated,

and then I heard poor Peanut make a God-awful squeal.

Squealin' like he was callin' for his daddy!

You know what I think done it?

A werewolf.

Think you've been watching too many scary movies, Louise.

And I think you've been eating too many of your own boogers, Dan.

Oh, at least my mama don't stink the toilet up so bad,

we gotta get rid of the shower curtain.

Oh, you gonna bring up my mama in front of the police, huh?

Ain't nobody say nothin' 'bout your big-ass mama.

She come in the house and broke all the furniture.

My mom wouldn't break up the furniture

if you hadn't bought that cheap Ikea stuff and put it together with a butter knife!

Well, if I had a real man, then I wouldn't have to do it myself now, would I?

Peanut's dead!

We gonna eat Peanut tonight!

Look at these nerds.

Unbelievable. You can say a lot of things about me, I was never a nerd.

Hey, pimples!

Pubie!

Pubie? Uh, who's... who's Pubie?

You are, Pubie. Landolfa called you that yesterday.

Hilarious.

Janitor, some drunk guy dressed as Captain Underpants

just threw up in the jail exhibit.

That's my cue. Call me if you get lonely, Violet.

Don't call me.

Wasn't plannin' on it. Hey, Dot.

So, I saw there were massive lines out front.

I took the liberty to print up some happy Halloween word searches.

You can pass it out to the kids.

Give them something to do while they're waiting.

Oh, Hubie, how lovely.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

So, Violet Valentine.

Good to see you. Happy Halloween.

- Thank you. - What brings you here?

I am chaperoning my daughter's field trip.

She's over there. Danielle! Danielle!

Say hello to Hubie.

Hi, Hubie. What school do you go to?

No. He's a grown man. I've known him since kindergarten.

Yes. We had Miss Colestice's class together.

- Yes, we did. - You were the first kid to get earrings.

I was.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought 'cause of the thermos.

Oh, why? Do you want some soup?

- Uh, no, thanks. - Your friends?

All right. It's here if you want it.

- What was that? - What was that about?

What a nice young lady. I remember you just had a foster son.

Yeah. Well, I've got two foster daughters now as well.

Huh. That's quite commendable.

Looking out for the community. That's important.

Of course. That's my great-great-great-great-great grandmother.

She saw some bad things happening, but she spoke out.

Said there's no such thing as witches.

- Very brave. - Yeah, maybe too brave.

'Cause they called her a witch and ended up like this fella.

- Ooh. - The unfortunate dangling Dave.

God, I love the way you phrase things.

Okay.

So, how are you and Officer Steve doing? I saw him yesterday in his squad car.

We were talking shop. You know, code 10-4, 10-5. That kinda thing.

Well, since we've been divorced four years,

- I don't really know how he's doing. - Oh, well, don't lose faith.

You guys will get through this rough patch.

Did you hear about the Andersons?

I met the fellow who moved into their home. A Walter Lambert.

Seems like a decent guy.

- Walter Lambert? - Yeah.

There's a Walter Lambert buried right near my grandpa in the Pine Street Cemetery.

Okay.

I only remember that name because there is something off about his tombstone.

- Off how? - Well, I know you, Hubie Dubois.

- Mm-hmm. - You'll see.

Okay.

What is that fool doing here?

No clue.

- You want me to kick his ass, Father? - Not yet. But stay close.

That concludes our service.

The family has invited you all to a luncheon.

A luncheon at the, uh, Captain's Table on Foster Street. Thank you.

He never died?

Boobie! What are you doing?

Nothing. What are you doing?

I'm officiating a funeral.

On Halloween?

People die every day, dummy. They don't skip holidays.

- Even April Fool's Day? - Shut it.

And if you get dirt on my good funeral shoes again,

I'm gonna bury one up your butt.

Okay. You want some soup?

No, I don't want some s...

- Good to wash off the dirt. - Here, let me help you.

Oh, is this...

Condolences, by the way.

And I love the Wicked Witch costume. It's classic.

It's not a costume.

Not a costume? Okay. My boner.

Why he talk about his boner?

Hello, Hubes. What did you do wrong?

I don't think anything.

By the way, I wanted to say that I'm sorry

for my attitude yesterday at the deli counter.

My dad, you know, he died unexpected,

and I just haven't been myself these past few days.

This is your dad's funeral? I'm so sorry. I didn't...

My father passed away a couple of years ago.

It is very painful. It's...

- Ups and downs, emotionally. - Yeah. My dad was a serious man.

He worked hard every single day of his life.

Mm-hmm.

- But he did love to laugh. - Okay.

And I know he would get a great chuckle out of this.

Have fun, Pubes.

Ma! He's an idiota, deficiente!

Disrespectful?

No, this is good.

We want him in the hole.

God would want this.

Somebody's down here!

Ah! The dead speak!

Oh, my soup!

It's not even dark yet here in Salem,

but the spooky vibes are gettin' heavy, baby.

We'll get through it together here on…

Halloween central.

Mr. Lambert.

What are you up to?

Hubie. Yeah.

I wa...

Last night, I thought I felt a little draft. So…

Yeah, that October wind will... It'll sneak up on you.

Sure does.

Say, Mr. Lambert.

How old are you?

You mean in human years?

Yes.

I don't really believe in keeping track of that kind of thing, Hubie.

You know, age is just a state of mind.

That's why I played T-ball till I was 25.

Hubie Dubois.

I can't believe it's finally Halloween.

My parents got me a royal princess dress from the Disney Store.

- Cooky, what are you gonna dress up as? - A robot.

You should go as a girl who doesn't even know who her real parents are.

Oh, that's who you are every day.

O'Doyle!

Yes, Miss Taylor?

Maybe you should go as a butt-faced, red-haired piece of dog puke

who's reading at a second-grade level even though he's 11.

Ooh!

Attention, first through sixth graders.

We have a special presentation today in lieu of recess.

Here again to talk about Halloween safety

is Salem's Official Volunteer Halloween Helper,

Hubert Dubois.

Oh, God.

Are those pee stains?

Hello, Webster Elementary School.

I am not a ghost, but I play one on TV.

Just playing.

My name is Hubie Dubois, and I am here to tell you that Halloween is fun,

but we must stay out of the danger zone.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Let him speak. He's a human being!

Thank you, sir. I would like a word with you all.

And that word is…

G-ghost?

Ghost. Scary. But also the key to Halloween safety.

The G.

- What could the G stand for? - Go home?

No. Give.

Give to the less fortunate. Does anyone know what less fortunate is?

- Yes, sir. - It means someone who needs help.

Very good. What's your name?

- Cooky. - Well, you're a smart cookie.

When I was young, I used to build a tower with all my candy.

And all the candy that was part of the tower before it collapsed,

I would keep for myself.

The leftover candy, I would donate to the homeless shelter.

Is that where you live?

Well, son...

Burn him!

Oh.

I'm sorry, son. I just...

Please... please don't cry.

I feel bad for him.

Yeah. No, baby. He overstayed his welcome.

We're out of food, I guess. Yeah?

Hey. What can I get you guys?

Hi. Can I get a black coffee?

Coffee?

- Not hot chocolate? - Oh, I don't drink hot chocolate anymore.

- You had one this morning. - Well, I quit.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna need to see some ID, freshman.

ID? I don't…

I'm just kidding. One black coffee.

So, how'd you know I was a freshman?

Oh, I see you in the hallways

and it's pretty obvious. What are you guys doing for Halloween?

Well, I'm taking my sisters trick-or-treating.

And my mom's at work, so I kind of run the house when she's gone.

- So, you're not going to the party? - Yeah, I'm going.

- Which party? - One manly black coffee.

That's me.

The big barn at Wallace Orchard. It's mostly juniors and seniors.

Hmm. Yeah. Well, maybe after my mom comes home, I'll... I'll try to swing by.

Try hard.

Did you suddenly get cool?

Oops!

Sorry, freshman.

Michael Mundi in the house!

It comes and goes.

Well, all you witches and warlocks, the daylight is fading,

and you know what that means. Halloween in Salem is in full effect.

Now, we have an old friend on the line, Hubie Dubie.

Hi, I like... I wanna make a request, please?

If you can play the theme song

from the film Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr.

Hubie, you need to turn down your radio.

- We talked about this before. - I just keep hearing myself.

- Hubie. - Okay, there it is.

Thank you, Aurora.

Turn down the radio.

Who is that?

- Just hang up your phone. - Please stop.

- That's not funny. - All good, baby, okay?

- Thanks for calling. - Sit on it, pal.

That man on the radio sounds like the guy who talked to us in the cafeteria today.

Oh, did you get a Hubie Dubois Halloween safety talk?

I think so. Is he a good guy?

'Cause the whole school was throwing food and sharp objects at him.

Hubie Dubois is probably the nicest guy in this town.

Do you like him?

No. He... You know, he's just...

- He's the nicest. - You said this already.

Well, take it from me. Nice matters.

The scariest night of the year has arrived, kiddies.

It's gonna be a full moon, so the monsters will be out.

I hope you've made all the necessary preparations.

And have your costumes all picked out.

And watch out for all kinds of freaky things

that'll chill you to the bone.

Oh, Hubie. Don't go out there tonight.

I have a feeling something's going to happen.

I get that feeling every time I leave the house, Mom.

But Salem needs me.

Listen to me. It's time to worry about yourself.

Hubert Shubert Dubois, do you hear me?

The whole neighborhood'll hear you, Ma. You're practically screaming.

I'll be okay.

- My sweet boy. - I love you.

Answer the door if it's a trick-or-treater.

Otherwise, just stay in the house, Ma.

So, you went with the full moon, huh, God?

It's on.

Be careful, guys! Safety first!

- Incredible costumes, guys. - Whatever.

Hmm.

Well, not on my watch, Mr. Whiskers.

Hey, Pubie! Give me back my cat!

Boy, that nickname spread like warm peanut butter.

Um…

Hey, Karen.

How 'bout you thank the man?

Oh, hey, Violet.

Oh, you fostering this mumbling zombie now, too?

Good luck!

You want me to get out this car and beat you with that ugly cat?

'Cause you know I'm more than capable of it.

Uh… no.

Violet Valentine. What a, uh, pleasant surprise.

How did you get to be so badass?

Yes, you, Hubie. You're a stud.

You're most friendly, most popular, and best looking.

What?

I was wondering, Violet, do you think perhaps that we can...

Maybe sometime you and I could possibly…

What?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Oh.

Okay. Well, I know it's your big night, Hubie.

So, if you run out of soup and you need a refill, just stop by the diner.

I'm working all night, okay?

Right-o.

Okay.

I'm asexual, but that girl's making me hella horny.

Mmm.

Go, go, go.

Go get candy, baby.

Okay.

I'm gonna stop you there, young lady.

Part of the fun of Halloween is its ways of teaching us life lessons.

- To trust the honor system. - Hello!

Help me!

You're a dummy!

Scooby Dubois on the case!

Mr. Hennessy. How's night school?

I dropped out three years ago. Shut up.

Hi, David. Hi, Tracy.

- Hi. - How are ya?

Hubie, nice little sash you got on there. What is that, monitor?

What're you monitorizing?

You see, basically, doing a door-to-door candy etiquette.

As a trained volunteer, I've been asked to initiate spot checks.

- Asked by who? - Yeah.

It looks like you made that sash from one of your mother's scarves.

My family's been a part of Salem for, uh, going back to the witch trials.

So, I know what it's like when the spooky fun gets outta hand...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I had this nightmare I was talking to an idiot.

Mmm. Havin' a nightmare about your hairdo.

Come on, baby.

Good night. Please keep the fishnets for fishing next year.

You know what spooky fun is really getting outta hand?

It's your new neighbor's house.

I heard some odd noises when I was walking by.

- Noises, huh? - Yeah.

Let's break this down. Did it sound like this?

- That sounds like a donkey. No. - How about…

No.

No.

I don't know. It was a noise!

- Okay? - Yeah.

- Why don't you just go see what it is? - On it.

Hmm.

Mr. Lambert? Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert?

Hello?

Mr. Lamb...

Why?

What the...

You got a dog, Mr. Lambert?

You got a big dog, Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert.

I know you said if there was a commotion, I should ignore it.

But there was a commotion, and I did not ignore it. And...

Oh!

Were those your feces on the newspaper, Mr. Lambert?

Walter.

Safe Halloween, Mr...

Walter!

Look, I know it was just a pig.

Peanut was not just a pig, officer. He was my best friend.

I thought I was your best friend.

Here's what I'm thinkin'. Name Richie Hartman ring a bell?

Richie Hartman?

Everybody knows who he is.

I don't. Who is he? One of your boyfriend?

Oh, you jealous now?

Why don't you go cuddle up with your best friend, Peanut, huh?

You see this, officer?

- I wanna press charges. - Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

And I wanna press your face against that radiator!

- Officer Steve! - I'm sorry, buddy.

The package got by me. He moves quickly to the left.

Okay, well, how did the package even know that I was in here?

Well, that's a glass window. The package could see ya.

Yeah, but could've told the package that I'm a mannequin or somethin'.

- You're right. - What is this package they talkin' about?

- My bad. - Guess they're talkin' about this fella.

Pubie?

I don't know his name. The goofy idiot from the supermarket deli.

Dan, Louise, let's table this discussion for a moment, okay?

- To be continued, I guess. - Oh, you guess?

I wish it was you that was knifed up instead of peanut.

You hear this? Can I borrow your gun?

I assure you can arrest me right afterwards.

Cut your gizzards off. That's what I should do.

Officer Steve, I saw my ne...

Never mind that. Cop a squat.

- Here? - Yeah.

Hubie, how long have you lived in Salem?

Eh, my whole life.

Now, you've brought us many instances of unlawful conduct

to our attention over the years.

Somebody put a firecracker in my mail slot.

There's a diaper in Dori's pond.

There's a weird station wagon at the senior center.

The supermarket is selling expired bacon.

Janet at the library has not been herself lately.

I heard a voice in the sewer.

I'm sorry. I didn't recognize him.

The power of observation, the ability to blend in.

That is you in a nutshell, Hubie.

Well, Steven, let's talk turkey.

May I?

Mmm… I only have 30 left.

Okay.

You ever hear of an AUU?

I don't have an Internet, so I'm not up on my latest abbreviations.

Illuminate me.

AUU stands for "Auxiliary Undercover Unit."

Now, before you get too excited,

let me tell you what it entails, okay?

First off, there's no salary.

There's no badge.

We can't acknowledge you officially

in any way whatsoever. And...

And the most important thing is

you can never be seen talking to me or any other officer in this place.

A question. How would I go about getting the information to you?

Oh, you just keep a log. A very detailed log.

And you drop that log right here.

In the garbage can directly outside Town Hall.

So, drop a log in a garbage can?

Well, that garbage can, that's monitored, 24-7.

So, any intel that you have, it's gonna get to us. We'll know about it.

- Makes... makes sense. - Yep.

But remember, you cannot contact us, no matter how dire the emergency.

- Yeah, I heard you the first time. - Yeah, I said it twice, it's important.

- Gotcha. - So, you ready to join the team?

Put me in, coach. I'm ready to play.

All right!

Perfect.

Tommy, I want mom to bring half my candy to the homeless shelter in the morning.

Will you tell her when she gets home?

Tommy?

Tommy!

Tommy?

Tommy, where are you?

Danielle! Mom isn't home yet, and I can't find Tommy. I'm scared.

- Did you check the basement? - I checked everywhere. He's not here.

You know what that means? Our brother's in love.

Ew!

How we doin', ladies?

Great, Freddie Mercury.

So lit to have freshman girls here. New crop of hotties to hit on.

Hey! Easy, Mikey. My sister's a freshman.

Dude, I would never even consider your sister in that way.

She's got no personality and a greasy forehead.

You're a good friend, man.

Ha ha ha!

Hi.

Didn't I see you on Union Street a couple of hours ago trick-or-treating?

Well, I had to take out my two new sisters, remember?

I don't know. I thought I saw you hold open your bag to get some candy.

That's not babysitting, that's trick-or-treating.

Oh, my God. I know, I know. It's so pathetic.

It's not pathetic.

If you brought me a Kit Kat bar.

Well, I have a few.

Excuse me. Smokers for chokers.

- What's your problem? - I got a problem?

I think you got the problem.

How we doing, guys?

- What's up, old man? - Got some ID for that drink?

- What? - Yeah, not on my watch.

- What the hell? - It's for the best.

And I think we are gonna dehydrate. Let's break that up.

- Watch it, GI Jackass. - You wanna die?

Not yet.

Uh, excuse me, Grandpa Thermos, you need to leave the party right now.

Leave public property? I don't see that happening.

Leave. Or I'll beat you with a tire iron.

You and whose army?

Just me.

- And me. - And me.

- And me. - And definitely me.

- Let's kill him! - Yeah! Yeah!

Hang on! All right.

I realize I might have gone too far for your teenage mental capacities

and that is a boner on my part.

- I don't think he knows what boner means. - No, definitely not.

When I was your age, I made some huge boners.

Boners that I wish I could get back now.

Listen, give me a minute head start,

then tell him there's a kid stuck in the corn maze.

And why am I doing that?

'Cause I am going to scare the living crap out of him.

Really? Does he scare easy?

Oh my…

Ah! Oh!

Yes.

Yes, he does.

Actually, I had a good time with you guys after all.

It was fun. Hope we do it again next year. Give a hoot, don't pollute.

- Isn't that Woodsy the Owl? - No, he was Tootsie Pops.

Hey, Mr. Pubois.

- Dubois. - Dubois.

I think I saw a little kid get lost in the Corn Maze.

In the what?

I heard him scream, "Help!" Then he started crying.

My God, it's just... It's just a little kid!

Okay. Handle your high.

I am a member of the AUU. This is what I was trained to do.

Hoo-ah!

I think we're good!

Messing with Shoobie Dubois. A Salem tradition.

My grandma gave him his first titty-twister.

- What a bunch of jerks. - Should we go tell him it's a prank?

I knew I liked you, freshman. Come on.

Excuse me, excuse me, Bride of Skankenstein. Yeah, thank you.

If you can hear me, please call out so I can determine your whereabouts!

Do not be fearful, little one!

Announce yourself!

Hubie!

Mr. Dubois!

Hubie!

Hello!

- Where are you? - Should we split up?

I don't know. That sounds like a big boner.

- What? - I'm just kidding.

Yeah, go that way…

Is anyone out there? Sound off!

Tonight's temperatures will dip below 28 degrees!

Your nervous system cannot handle that!

Sasquatch could not handle that!

Mr. Dubois? Hello!

Hey, Tommy, hey!

Mr. Dubois!

What the hell, Mike? Why would you do that?

Hey, whoa! I'm sorry. Come on, I couldn't resist.

That wasn't cool, man.

Hey, coffee boy.

You're that freshman, right?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, well, welcome to your first high school fight.

Tommy!

Megan McNally, you like underclassmen?

Oh, that's adorable.

Hello!

Is the fight over? Did I win?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you kicked his ass. Come on.

Is anyone out there? Sound off!

Help!

Remain in place! I will find you!

Not if I find you first!

Take me, evil one! Just do not harm the child!

Help, Hubie!

No!

Dad? Is that you?

Does Mom know you're still alive?

Are you still mad at me?

No. It's Tommy, Violet Valentine's son.

Yeah, and Megan. I work down at the coffee shop.

I give you free hot water for your dehydrated soup sometimes.

Yes. Much appreciated.

The reason I take it for free is 'cause I don't have money.

Anyway, we came over here to tell you that there's no lost kid.

No one's lost?

Yeah, it's just Mike Mundi trying to pull a prank on you.

Prank? No, I knew that.

So, I like the costumes.

- Garbage can? - Yeah. Tin Man.

And Red Riding Hood.

I want to be honest with you. Might not be a good year for it.

Um, between us, there is a man-wolf on the loose.

Then maybe should I head inside?

A wise decision.

By the way, my mom was talking about you tonight.

Your mom was talking about me?

What'd she say?

Just that you are nice.

Well, I am nice.

Because I'm not gonna tell her that you're out here playing Romeo

instead of watching your two little sisters.

- Well, now I feel bad. - I know you feel bad.

- 'Cause you got a big heart. - Thanks.

So, I'm gonna let you two guys take off without me.

I'll give you a head start in the name of romance.

- Okay. Go ahead, guys. Take care, now. - Thanks, Mr. Dubois.

- Happy Halloween. - Not looking, guys!

Same corn over and over.

I should've left with the others, 'cause I have no idea where I am.

So, I came from there. I already was there.

Can't believe I don't have a compass on my thermos.

Help me!

Michael Mundi.

Help me!

Listen, I am a fan of a Halloween zinger as much as the next guy, but…

What? What'd you say?

Michael? Michael!

What the...

What?

It's nine o'clock in Salem, which means all you trick-or-treaters

have counted up your candy corns and are gettin' ready for bed.

What the heck?

But that don't mean the fun stops for all of us.

- Hubie, I can't do this. - Michael Mundi was abducted.

I found a ticket to the drive-in at the scene.

Great. Start there.

So, now's the time for us big boys and girls

to get up to some real mischief.

And watch out. It's always the quiet ones who get the most naughty.

Violet, where the hell were you? We're falling behind out there.

Well, I was on the phone with the credit card company.

They didn't know I had an extension. I'm so sorry, Mr. Tayback.

You know how much credit card debt I'm in right now?

Nobody gives a crap!

Just do your job. No breaks on Halloween.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated...

She's not answering.

Don't worry, we'll find Tommy.

I am your father, and I demand some respect.

You are grounded for the next six months.

You son of a...

- Mmm. Hey! - Hey.

So, did I miss anything?

Yeah, you just missed the best part!

The best part is spending time alone with you.

Did that turn you on?

How is sucking on fake fingers supposed to turn me on?

Well, imagine that they're your fingers.

They're men's fingers. Are you saying I have men's fingers?

Okay, look, I was just trying something, okay?

- Something different. - Jeez, man.

Remember we used to come here in high school?

Mm-hmm. Feels exactly the same, too. We got Hubie Dubois spying on everybody.

I gotta say, it's pretty impressive how long he's been a loser.

I got a great idea.

It's kinda evil, but stick with me.

Now, that turns me on.

Michael Mundi.

Scheduled to come to the Creature Double Feature.

To meet who?

To kill his next victim?

- Hubie. - Murder!

You okay, big man?

Mrs. Hennessy.

I am actually doing a follow-up on a classified situation.

Did you lose your thermos or some shit?

Oh, that'll never happen.

Anyway, I saw something earlier.

Mm-hmm.

Something suspicious.

Ears are in open position.

This is gonna sound nuts.

But I was going to get popcorn earlier,

when this freaky old-timey car pulled into the lot.

And the driver was...

You just gotta see it to believe it.

Could you possibly point me in the direction of this strange vehicle?

It's that one.

Right there.

Okay.

Let's take a look.

- Oh, and, uh… - Yes?

Hubie, do be… careful.

What the what?

Okay, whoa, there.

Step out of the vehicle!

We can do this the easy way or the paddle way. It's up to you.

Ghost!

Help me!

What are you?

Help me!

No! Oh, God!

Why?

Get him!

What the heck?

Help me!

- Now do you want me? - No!

There's a time and a place for hijinks!

But there's a situation going on here!

Hubie. It's funny seeing you here.

I'm sorry about before. In the basement.

I really wasn't feeling myself.

I don't know if I like you much better now.

You didn't tell anybody about that, did you, Hubie?

Why? You have secrets, Mr. Lambert?

As in, secretly dropping by the corn maze earlier tonight?

Did anybody get...

- Mr. Lambert. - Walter.

Your tombstone says that you have yet to die.

Are you a human being, or are you a moon-crazed beast

from beyond the grave, grave, grave?

Hold that thought! I gotta split!

Mr. Lambert!

That just answered my question.

Oh, man. That's another one.

What a man! What a mouth! And on his first try.

Have a round of applause, everyone.

Who's next?

If the mayor can do it, so can you.

You, sir! Step on up.

Sorry to bother you, mayor, but it's important.

What is it, Sergeant?

About an hour ago, I got a strange report

of a missing high school kid from Hubie Dubois.

After I laughed it off as usual, I got a call from the kid's mother.

He actually never made it home.

This Richard Hartman thing has got you jumpy as hell.

I suggest we cancel the fireworks show immediately.

We ain't canceling a damn thing, Sergeant.

We got an unsolved mystery!

Eighty-five percent of the tourism dollars spent in this town

are spent on Halloween night.

And I'm not gonna let no high school peckerhead jeopardize that.

- I just think that... - Trick-or-treat, smell my feet.

- I just think that you're not... - Smell my feet.

- I just think that... - Smell my feet.

You really want me to smell them?

Let's just go back, Danielle.

I don't want Mom to get home and see that Tommy left us by ourselves.

I think we'll all get in really big trouble for that.

Are we even going the right way?

Excuse me, sir?

Do you know the quickest way to Wallace Orchard?

One clam, one chicken noodle, and one split pea.

So, you seem a little stressed. I mean, what can I do to help ya out?

Maybe a glass of Chardonnay?

Well, to be honest with ya, I don't drink beer.

But do you have any silver bullets?

That is not on the menu tonight.

But I happen to be an excellent listener if you want to, you know,

share anything with me.

Okay.

We all have a purpose.

Some people's purpose is to make sure all the streets are clean.

Some people's purpose,

like Kenny Rogers', is to make sure there's great tunes on the radio

that we can all sing along with on road trips.

Some people's purpose, like you,

are here to make sure that kids without parents end up with a mom anyways.

Who is nice and kind to 'em and makes them feel loved.

- You happen to have any A1 Sauce? - Yeah.

My whole life,

I felt my purpose was to make sure everybody

was safe and sound on Halloween.

But tonight, I have failed massively.

Because a fine young man was abducted under my watch.

- That's on me. - No.

Mmm.

How can I help you?

You just did help me by listening to my story.

Be careful today.

Danger is afoot.

Oh, well, I don't worry about me. I worry about my kids.

Called home. None of 'em picked up.

They're probably just watching a movie, though, and…

- Tommy's keeping an eye on them. - Tommy?

I'm sure he's been there the whole time. Without a doubt.

The night is young. Appreciate you being nice to me.

Of course, Hubie.

You're the best person I know.

You're always thinking of everyone else and never of yourself.

But I guess that's why you're a hero.

Did you see how scared Scooby was when that car started moving?

- With his ping-pong paddle at the ready! - Oh, my God!

What a buffoon!

Mr. Hennessy! Mr. Hennessy!

There's somebody in the road.

- Who the hell is that? - It's not moving.

Looks like a dummy.

You look like a dummy. Go out and get it out of the way.

Okay.

Now, see, that does it for me.

You like that?

No.

Scarecrow?

Lester!

Lester!

I'm gonna kick your ass for this, Lester.

I swear to God, if you jump out of one of these bushes,

I'm gonna punch you in the face!

What the...

Lester!

Where are you?

Valentine family, where are you?

I'm coming!

Danielle! Cooky!

I say, "Marco." You say, "Polo." Marco!

Weirdo!

Marco!

Asshole!

Hubie Dubois! Is that you?

Oh! You must be Mrs. Dubois!

I'm Walter!

Nice to meet you, Walter.

It's a shame what they've done to your lawn!

Happens every year!

Oh!

Not tonight!

We need to talk.

They're not up here.

They're not down here, either.

Danielle!

Cooky!

- We didn't find them. - Hey! It's okay. We'll figure it out.

We'll find them.

Oh, no.

What are we screaming at?

- Bam. - Mr. Dubois, I screwed up.

- I can't find my sisters. - You don't know where the kids are? Huh.

'Cause I do. They're right here.

- Tommy! Tommy! - Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry I left guys. I'm so glad you're okay.

You are so cute with them.

You have a girlfriend?

I saw 'em coming through the Old McMillan shortcut.

It was funny, 'cause not many people know where that shortcut is.

Just me and a friend of mine, Richie Hartman. When I was a kid,

we used to finish our band practice and shoot right through there.

- Well, at least everybody's safe. - No one in Salem is safe tonight.

Do you understand me, Tommy? That's why I'm putting this family on lockdown.

Now, Tommy, you call your mother. Let her know you're home.

Megan, you call your parents.

Let them know you're staying at a friend's. That's for you.

You two, do me a favor. Eat all the candy you want, and then go straight to sleep.

And lock this door! No matter what, don't answer it!

What're you gonna do, Mr. Dubois?

I'm gonna do what I do every October 31st.

Make sure every citizen in this town is safe and protected.

Um, but do you have a bathroom I could use? 'Cause I, uh…

The soup kinda went right through me.

Upstairs.

Toilet? Is it a big toilet?

'Cause I got a lot to do.

I know that howl.

Walter Lambert!

The transformation is complete.

While I understand that you are now a mindless killing machine,

I would like to speak with the human being that is deep down below your fur.

Mr. Lambert.

Walter.

I cannot, in good faith, allow you to hurt another soul tonight,

even though this is Halloween, and even though I know this is...

Mr. Lambert, you're better than that.

You... Did you really wanna defecate in front of me, sir?

Oh, now, you're eating it!

Is that Michael Mundi you're eating right now?

Is he inside your feces?

Mr. Lambert! Get over here!

The only way to slay the beast

is a silver bullet right between the eyes.

Yo, dawg! That's my bullet!

Come here!

Oh!

Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert?

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert.

This is not your fault!

You are cursed!

Hello.

Mommy! No! Help me, Mommy!

Help me! Help me!

And stay out!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That was so terrifying!

- That was even crazier than last year! - Yes!

- How much fun was that? - That was so much fun.

It almost made me forget that I buried my father today.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's a good thing. I mean, not for him so much,

but it's given me time to be introspective.

- That's good. - I'm Pete Landolfa.

Oh, I'm Chantal.

- Chantal? - Yeah.

Come to me.

Walter. Come!

Here, Walter.

I don't wanna do this.

You've been a very good neighbor to me.

But what has to be done, has to be done.

Right between…

The eyes!

Oh, no.

No!

Homeboy. Are you okay, man?

- Dude. - No!

This is not real. You get that, right?

We're just trying to raise money for our school.

Wait a second.

Are you hittin' on me?

Because if so, that is incredibly sick.

We're having a conversation.

Mm-mmm. 'Cause you're, like, three times my age, okay?

Thrice. I was born around the same time you had your first heart bypass.

Oh, Buster! Hey, my big boy.

Are you here to protect me from this weirdo man that's trying to hit on me?

My eyes are on fire!

- Why would you mace me? - Yo.

I'm a dentist. I help people!

Liar! Lucifer!

That sounds like Hubie Dubois.

And since I struck out with you, I'm gonna take it out on him.

Have fun with that.

Oh! Oh!

You gotta be... Whoa.

There's this goof headed his way. Hubie Dubois.

When he gets here, I'll handle the scaring.

You just sit back and enjoy.

Attention, haunted house patrons.

This is a direct order from the AUU.

Move quickly and quietly toward the exits.

The man-wolf has eaten his kryptonite!

Pubie!

Huh?

Oh, my God. This is a travesty.

First, Mike Mundi. Now, Mr. Landolfa.

And why would God do this to such good people?

Good people? All those two ever did was abuse you, man.

You know who should feel bad right now? Our wonderful mayor.

I'm truly sorry.

You knew that high school kid from the corn maze was missing.

- But you told nobody. - Yeah. Bad for business, I guess.

Oh, they just found Lester Hennessy's car abandoned in the middle of Whipstick Road.

- No sign of Lester or Mary. - No!

So, we are cancelin' the fireworks

and all other related Halloween activities.

- Officer Steve. - Not now, Hubie.

- I think I know who did it. - Oh, so do I.

His name…

Is Walter Lambert.

- Walter who? - Lambert.

Scientists would call him a lyco-thorpe.

I think he means a lycanthrope.

- Is that what it is? - It's a werewolf.

- Okay. - Hubie, I will lock you up.

- I got four people missing here. - Officer Steve, listen to me.

I saw the man destroy his home earlier today.

Then I saw him in the pumpkin patch.

His shirt was torn up. He was barking at the moon.

His arms were very, very hairy.

Then I saw him at this haunted house, his tail wagging in murderous glee.

- Wait, you talking about my dog, Buster. - That was Walter Lambert!

Where does he live?

Fifty-Nine Elm Street. Check on it.

- There's your killer. - Salem PD.

Blake, I need you to go out to 59 Elm.

There should be a guy there. New in town. Possibly shirtless.

Yeah. Middle-aged, growls a lot, glue-on hairy hands?

Yeah, I got him right here. Him and your boy, Richie Hartman.

They both came by and turned themselves in, like, 45 minutes ago.

Together?

Yeah. Apparently, Lambert is Hartman's roommate at the mental hospital.

Sorry. Werewolf Treatment Center.

Lambert broke out about a month ago, and then Hartman broke out yesterday

to try to find him and convince him to come back.

It's actually pretty sweet, isn't it?

So, you've had eyes on them for 45 minutes?

Almost, like, an hour now.

And also, Lambert's real name is Nick Hudson. Yeah. Walter Lambert

is just some name that he got off a tombstone on his way into town.

All right, Blake. I got it. Thank you.

I feel bad you got yourself in even more trouble just to save me.

No, it was good to get out of that place for a while.

- You did me a favor. Thank you. - Did you do anything fun?

I pissed on a tombstone, pissed on the street.

Just some fun pissing stuff, you know.

- Nobody pees more than you. - I'm peein' now.

That's a good roommate. Yes.

Who's a good roommate? Yes. Yes.

Yes, you are.

Lambert and Hartman have been in custody during the whole Landolfa disappearance.

So, it couldn't have been them.

Buster, my baby!

Oh, by the way, he ate a silver bullet if you wanna check his feces tomorrow.

I ain't doin' that.

Then who? Are there any clues?

Landolfa did go back into the haunted house to look for Hubie.

Yeah. Hubie seems to be around a lot of people before they go missing.

- People who have messed with him. - Did the Hennesseys mess with Hubie, too?

Oh, they live for it.

So, it was payback time. Wasn't it, Hubie?

No, I would never hurt anybody. I...

You got the wrong guy.

- Father Dave. - Have you been planning this all along?

You sick man.

- Have you? - I...

Have you?

Frankenstein!

Did we just fall for the old Frankenstein trick?

Oh-ho!

Ya!

Bad news, gang.

WTCH has just learned

that Salem's Halloween is getting shut down.

The police department is advising everyone to stay home and lock doors.

But, my little Halloweenies, we can all still celebrate

with nature's fireworks lighting up the night sky.

Not sure what's happening in this creepy town,

but sounds like a good idea to cuddle up with someone special

and enjoy the last half hour of Halloween under the covers.

And just hope that whoever you cuddling isn't a madman.

Well, looks like I have company.

So, we're going to take a word from our scary sponsors.

W… T… C… H.

Aurora?

- Hubie Dubois. - Yes.

I'd recognize that voice anywhere. You look exactly how I pictured you.

To be honest with you, you don't look like the way I was picturing you.

I guess my radio voice throws people off sometimes.

Yeah, that... I think that's it.

Have a seat, man.

What brings you all the way here this evenin'?

As you know, I'm a longtime listener, and I always respect the advice you give

to so many callers.

Right now, I'm in dire need of the most perspicacious advice

you have ever given to any other human...

Oh, my God. Isn't that so sweet? My wife brought snacks.

Ooh! Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Oh, and who is this?

Baby, this is Hubie Dubois.

Whoa! For real?

Yes. Nice to meet you, ma'am.

I'm looking forward to hearing your real voice.

This is my real voice.

Right. I know it is. I was just saying, you know…

So, I am a big fan of your husband, Aurora.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like you're the second most frequent caller we get.

- Besides that one lady. - Someone calls more than I do?

Actually, I think she might have a little something for you, Hubie.

She always dedicates a song to a special someone.

Ooh!

And we all need that special someone.

- Right, baby? - Yes, we do. Oh!

Dig in.

- A couple days back… - Oh, man.

…she had a couple glasses of Chardonnay. Her guard was down,

and she asked to dedicate a special song to Hubie.

- Chardonnay, eh? - You know what they say about Chardonnay?

Truth serum. She said she's gonna show you how much she loves you on Halloween.

- Do you think we could trace the number? - I don't need to. Caller ID.

617-555-0968.

Sound familiar?

No. But there is a number that needs to be dialed immediately.

911!

Oh.

It's a prepaid phone.

- Bitch used a burner. - Mm-hmm.

Any idea of someone who might have a thing for you, or…

How would somebody detect such a situation?

Anyone in town who seems like they might actually enjoy talking to you.

There's one woman, but she's the nicest lady I ever met my life.

Well, they all seem nice till they kill you.

What's the desperate sicko's name?

Um…

The high school hat trick, Violet Valentine.

Her? And you?

I mean…

All right. Let's go see if we can get ourselves a confession.

Ooh! This is some Dateline NBC shit.

Stormhawk in position and petrified. Over.

All right. First of all, we're not gonna use code names.

- Okay? - Copy.

Did you send backup to my residence to have eyes on my mother? Over.

I'm a little short-handed tonight,

so I asked Father Dave to keep an eye on her.

Negative! Request armed units to that vicinity. Over.

Sorry. I can't spare the manpower tonight.

Here she comes.

Okay, Hubie. It's showtime. Remember, we're lookin' for a confession.

But what if I can't get her to confess? Over.

If you feel like you've done all you can, or you feel like you're in danger,

say the code word. At that point, we'll call the burner phone.

If she picks up, we can implicate her that way.

And what's the code word again? Over.

- You don't have to say over. - Okay.

Code word is pumpkin.

Roger that. Bogey on my twelve.

Three on a match. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

"Smoke 'em if you got..." What the hell is he talking about?

I don't know.

What'd you ask me out here for, Hubie?

What's up?

Pumpkin.

- Straight to pumpkin? - Yeah.

Pumpkin what?

Just pumpkin.

Don't kill me.

- You gotta be kiddin' me. - Dialing.

Hubie.

I would never hurt you.

Thank you. Pumpkin.

Now! Pumpkin.

- It's ringing. - Is this a prank?

Is there somebody watching us right now?

- No one can see us or hear us. - She must not have the phone on her.

Hello?

I just wanted to tell you that I have been in love with you since second grade.

- What? - Hello?

Can you trace it now?

Hubie, I've been in love with you since the first grade.

What took you so long?

I was in love with our teacher.

Miss Glennon?

- Wasn't she, like, 70? - I liked the way she smelled.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe that I spent three years with a self-confident-for-no-reason,

bearded, human-ogre when I could have been with you.

Ouch. That even hurt me.

I'm getting a location. Steve, look at this.

- Stormhawk, abort! - I thought you were out of my league.

- Why? - Stormhawk, repeat, abort!

It's the best news I ever heard in my life.

Abort. The killer's cell phone is in your house!

Mama!

No! No way!

Lock your doors! Make sure you don't open them!

Take care of your children! I'm gonna steal a boat!

Mama!

I love you!

Oh, no. They got Father Dave.

Oh, my God.

Boo!

Why aren't you watching my mother?

The killer's in the house! The killer's in the house!

There's no one in the house but her.

Hubie?

Can you help me down?

Ma! Ma!

You're okay.

Why, yes, Hubie. Why wouldn't I be?

Mmm.

Oh, no.

So, um…

Am I your special someone, Mom?

Always, Hubie.

Mm-hmm.

And… today, did you...

Did you try to show me just how much you love me?

Why, yes, I did, Hubie. I truly did.

- Hubie! - Hubie!

Get us out of here! Help!

Hubie, please, get us out of here!

Hubie, there's something wrong with your mom!

Come on over here and let me punch your mom in the face!

I mean, the good news is you're still alive. I was...

Nice observation, toolbox! Now get us out of this!

- I'm so sorry. - I tried to explain to you already, Hubie.

If you don't fight back, the bullies never stop.

So, I had to fight back for you.

Please, Hubie! Oh, my God!

Hubie, that's gas!

Mommy, I would've been satisfied if you put itching powder in their sleeping bag.

This is extreme.

Don't do this to me. Hubie, I'll be your friend forever!

The old lady said they'd be in the backyard.

Roll it! Roll it!

You don't have to do this. This is too much.

We are here and we are live at an unfolding scene of Halloween horror.

Ma. Ma.

- Mom, I really don't want you to do this. - I know, Hubie.

That's what makes you so wonderful. And that's why I have to do it.

I have to make it good for you before I go.

Before you go?

- To Heaven? - No. Probably going to Hell, Hubie.

The cops are here! You're goin' to jail, you crazy old bat!

- Well, then I better do this now. - My God. No, lady. Wait.

No! No, no, no, no!

- Please don't. - Hubie, stop her.

Help me!

Hubie!

No!

No.

No!

Always thinking of everyone else, never thinking of yourself.

But I guess that's why you're a hero.

Hubie!

No!

- Man. - Freeze, Mrs. Dubois!

Hold your fire until my command.

Why did we bring them again?

There was nobody left at the station. We had to.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mommy. This is my fault.

- That's okay, Hubie. - Hubie!

- Untie us, dummy! - Come on, you stupid dummy!

- Untie us, now! - Are you paying attention?

Okay. Wow.

Shame on you.

Hubie just saved your lives, and you treat him like this.

Can one of you tell me why?

Just look at him!

He's so… Hubie!

Yes, he's Hubie.

He's helpful.

He's courteous, he's cheerful, he's considerate.

What a bad, bad man.

My great-great-great-great-great- grandmother laid down her life,

trying to save innocent people.

I was there.

And my son did her one better. He just saved four ungrateful jackasses.

Thanks, Pubie.

Well, you can't even thank him without insulting him.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said Pubie. It just came out.

Could it be because you feel threatened?

I feel a lot of pressure to be cool all the time.

I'm jealous of Hubie being able to be himself.

I lost my hair 20 years ago,

and every time I walk into a room, I feel silly.

Why should someone like Hubie have such a thick, luxuriant head of hair,

and I look like a California raisin?

I have never felt sexually fulfilled.

- But... - Oh, shut up, Lester.

You're usually there. You know it's true.

I'm guessing…

Hubie hasn't had a lot of sex.

No, ma'am.

Hasn't had any sex.

Mmm.

But what he does have is hope.

Damn him and his hope!

I was diagnosed with dyslexia in the eighth grade.

I faked it for the doctors, but I'm really just dumb.

I never really told anybody.

You're probably all surprised.

- No, I'm not surprised. - Nope.

- You surprised? - No.

But Hubie uses big words, and they come out so natural for him.

It pisses me off.

Oh, 'cause of the dumb thing.

My brother-in-law once said that I had no ambition.

And then he bit me, and I became a werewolf.

You see?

Hubie's smart, has nice hair, and sex hope.

But to me,

his best quality is this.

He can weather all of your insults and your thrown objects,

and he responds with humor and... and kindness.

Could you say the same?

Could any of you take the abuse you dish out to my Hubie?

I busted a guy for DWI last week, and, uh…

He said it was an honor to be arrested by a Muppet.

I acted like I didn't hear him.

But then I cried in my squad car for about half an hour.

You see, Hubie. True bravery's being kind.

Even to those who are being cruel to you.

I just always wanted to be as nice as you, Mom.

Oh, you were nicer.

But now I know that you're ready to spread your wings and fly without me.

You don't have to be scared anymore.

I'm feeling emotional.

- And a little horny. - Ooh!

- Not for you. - Oh.

Just know that I'll always love you.

And happy Halloween.

Frankenstein!

Where?

We fell for that twice in one night.

We gotta try that with the orderlies when we get back.

- Okay. - It's such a…

Hubie!

The blood. It's going to my...

Happy Halloween.

One thing I still don't get.

Why did his mom have to kill Peanut the pig?

That was me, actually. I had a case of the late-night munchies.

All right, we gotta get these guys back to the mental institution.

This has been a magical night in Salem, Massachusetts.

- Excuse me. May I say something? - Yes. Please, go ahead.

Hubie.

I just wanna say happy Halloween to everybody in Salem.

Also, happy Valentine's Day.

I'm talking to you, Violet Valentine.

Also…

I just broke up with my Canadian girlfriend.

So, I am available.

- Oh, my God. - Miss Valentine, this is for you.

Hubie, do be mine.

Mmm…

Yummy.

Muah! Muah!

Can you guys stop kissing and check out our costumes?

Yes, of course. Come on.

- Show us what you've got. - Please. Let's see it. Oh, my God.

Oh, well, look at this. I cannot believe we have this.

Father Dave. My childhood friend, Richie Hartman.

- Is that Officer Steve? - Yeah.

And the one and only Mr. Walter Lambert.

How did you do this?

Oh!

Terrific costumes, guys. Especially yours, Cooky.

I like it. What are you? A Muppet, right?

Yeah, sure.

- Our kids are so creative. - They are amazing. Mmm!

You never kissed me like that, Violet.

I know.

- Yeah, well… - Dad, don't forget your sash.

Okay, yes. Would you put it on me, please? That's right.

Thank you, Danielle and everybody.

I'll see you at the apple-bobbing contest at ten o'clock tonight.

Oh, and you two. You guys are gonna be hittin' the parties later,

so I made these for you.

That's some matzo ball soup, also with a flare gun.

Uh…

You suck!

Sorry about that!

- Thanks, Dad. - Yeah, of course.

And this is chicken gumbo with a hair dryer.

Wow, that is badass.

All right, guys. Take care. I'll miss you.

Mr. Mayor Dubois, let's get you downtown.

- Bye! - Love you, Daddy!

Bye! We love you. We'll see you later!

Bye, guys! Bye-bye!

Hey, Hubie!

You're the man!

Thanks. I learned it all from my mother, who's right behind you.

Got you, O'Doyle!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween to all! And to all, a good fright!

And so, another Halloween has come to Salem.

So, you best take the advice of our beloved Mayor

and frequent caller, Hubie Dubois. And have a safe and fun time.

Hang on, baby.

Got some spaghetti and meatballs for ya.

Okay. Let's Lady and the Tramp that shit.

Murder!

What are we screaming at?

Last one. Sorry.

What are you?

Who are you?

What are you?

Boo!

Help me!

When I was a kid, I used to build a tower with all my candy.

And all the candy I used before the collapsing of...

Help me!

Now you're all in big, big trouble.

Oh, sorry!

That's you in a nutshell, Hubie.

Here's some Happy Halloween word searches I printed out.

- That... that was... that was... - Ah...

Ah...

No!

That's a good roommate.

Hubie Dubois!

- This is Hubie Dubois. - Hubie, I'm standing right behind you.

Yes!

And… action!

Freeze, Mrs. Dubois!

Hold your fire until my command.

- Shut up! - Shut it!

Whoo-hoo!

What the hell are you doing?

Did that turn you on?

What is it supposed to be? Little penises?

Boo!

Smell my feet.

Smell...

Smell...

Shmell...

- Smell my feet. - Really?

Smell my feet.

Oh, whoa. Ho ho!

Yeah. No, it was fun throwing hot dogs at him.

Pubie!

We gonna eat Peanut tonight.

- He was my... - You be quiet, too. You next.

Oh, dope.

And… action!

No! No! No! No!

Hubie!

Not cool! Not cool! Not cool!