Original subtitles

Hi. Good evening.

Fully booked again tonight?

I'm sorry?

You...

Morning. Morning. Good morning.

Living the dream.

Clear.

Yes!

On your marks.

Get set.

Go!

For King and country!

Morning. Morning.

If music be the food of love...

Friday I'm In Love by The Cure

He just really speaks to me. Oh, no, not this berk again.

Get a job!

Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.

Bum. Bum.

Robin, for the last time, no newspaper's going to...

Three letter, "gluteus maximus"...

Oh, yeah, you're right. ..is bum.

Yeah. B-u-m.

Good. Very good.

Come on! Come on! Yes.

OK. Yes! Takes me back to the David Lloyd in Chelsea.

Take that, Hugo!

So where did we get to? Er, World Cup '86.

It's quarterfinals.

England-Argentina. All right.

Ah, the Hand of God.

You what?

Maradona scores with a handball, swings the match.

Well, don't tell me the score. 2-1 to Argentina.

What's wrong with you?!

You absolute... Dikhet.

Robin! Is six-letter, "permit to travel", dikhet!

Oh, ticket!

Dikhet! Ticket! Here. Yeah, OK.

You're getting good at these.

Well, me very clever.

Ugh.

Hey!

'Orse.

Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.

Oh. laughing 'orse.

Thank you.

Absolute filth!

Oh, thanking you kindly.

Oh...

I do not like where this is going.

Morning.

Morning. Hi, Alison.

Hi! Back to the grindstone.

Yeah. Which reminds me, we found this grindstone.

14th century. Honestly, your cellar is literally a gold mine.

When you say litera...? Archeologically speaking.

Ah, yeah.

Here we go, then.

Oh, push it!

Well? Two minutes, 30. Same as...

Well, always. I mean, it's always two minutes, 30.

Blast!

Well, keep at it. Hmm.

Maybe I need to try some new stretches or something.

Yeah, or maybe you can't really get any faster,

you know, because you can't build muscle, what with you being -

and I mean this with all the love in the world, Cap dead.

We didn't win the war with attitudes like that, did we?

No. No!

Right, I'm going to go and stretch my hams.

Well, I mean, they won't stretch because you're...

He's dead. I'm dead. Yeah, you're dead, yeah.

You'll be dead soon. What?

Sorry.

Right. Hard to be conclusive about the cause of death, but, er,

well, it's going to be plague, isn't it?

From the pelvis, I'd say female.

30 to 40.

Down, down.

Bowed right femur. Probable limp.

The winner!

Evidence of extensive syphilis.

No, no, not that bit.

Same as the male from yesterday.

Geoff! What? Someone's been a naughty boy!

Hi, er...

Hello, stranger.

I forgot to say, that, um, we've got a photographer coming today

to take a picture for our brochure.

Oh, for the hotel? Erm...

No, we... we... we ran out of money, and also...

..this.

So we're thinking of trying to use some of the big rooms for functions,

weddings, you know.

Nice. Which will be nice, yeah.

Er, yeah, and we need to get a shot of the front,

so do you think you could move your van?

Well, I could, but...

Yes, great, thank you.

Any end in sight? Er, yeah, nearly there. Few more days.

Sorry it's taken so long. There's just so much history on this site.

Honestly, if these bones could talk.

Yeah, well, that would save us all a lot of hassle, wouldn't it?

But then... who'd believe you?!

Oo-hoo!

So the aim is to turn it into a venue. A venue for what?

Er, well, you know, weddings, parties, bar mitzvahs...

..girl mitzvahs. Bat mitzvahs.

For bats?

What?

Huh?

Erm, we need it to look nice,

so if you could avoid the bad bits...

What, all of them?

Well, just find the best angle.

Yeah, I mean, we know that the camera never lies,

but if it could not tell the whole truth,

then that would be very handy for us.

I'll see what I can do. Great.

There's simply not enough slates to do the whole roof!

Er...

It's the third Earl of Winborne!

OK.

I'm not sure Impressions Club's going to work, is it?

Well, let's not be too hasty. No-one's heard my Nelson Mandela.

Outrageous! Haven't done it yet.

No, no, no, no!

Alison, get the tradesman off the lawn!

Snap-snap! Um, Rory, can we try...?

This way? Yeah, just...

All the way off the lawn!

A little bit... Yeah.

Both feet!

Yeah. And more... Hurry up! And just...

That's perfect. Here? Yeah.

Whatever happened to standards?!

Absolutely. Mustn't let things slide.

All it takes is a little...

..effort.

Urgh! Look at this evil old...

Isn't that...? Oh, no.

She's everywhere.

Look! And there!

Where'd you get that? Over there.

Did you know this happens? I had no idea.

If indeed that is me. She looks at least 20 years older.

How come she can be seen?

Perhaps it's only if you're grumpy.

Or ugly.

Well, her photo's all over Facebook now,

so we can say goodbye to doing events.

No-one wants a haunted wedding.

No-one will know.

Look, it's only one window and he doesn't say where it is...

Hmm. OK, but does anybody actually read the comments?

Gah! Just look at them, gullible cretins!

I mean, what sort of moron believes in ghosts?

You are a ghost.

Well, yeah, but, you know, before I became one,

you wouldn't have caught me believing in this sort of nonsense.

I'm going to talk to them. And say what?

That there's no such thing as ghosts.

Yeah, you tell 'em. Bloody weirdos!

Hi, hi. I'm Alison, and I own the house. Um...

I do!

Look, I know why you're here,

but I can assure you that there are no ghosts... ghost.

There is no ghost.

I know that it looks like a very spooky old house,

but there's nothing creepy going on here, actually.

Hi, Alison. Could you open the gate?

Really? Now?

Well, you made us move the van.

Yeah.

Is that the Grey Lady?

Obviously, I know how that looks,

but that is unrelated to the ghosts... ghost!

Erm, look, the photo is a fake,

and I'd really appreciate it if you could all just go home,

please, and not go spreading any rumours or...

Well, that worked. Hmm.

So you're a paranormal expert?

Yes, indeed, I am a paranormal podder,

blogger, vlogger, and psogger.

Psogger?

It's a psychic blogger. The P's silent.

Oh, eh, oh! We on TV!

We're on TV!

Oh, we're on TV!

Look, come, come see, look, huh, see, look!

..some very fascinating spirits, erm, and there's lots of

emanations coming from... from this hou...

Sorry, what was that, Tony?

That's my guide, Tony.

Yeah, no, he was just saying that something bad happened here...

We are all over Twitter.

"Man, this pic has me bricking it. That ghost be one scary-ass..."

Is she in the room?

Yes.

Well, it doesn't say "lady".

It's just a pity the owners are being so uncooperative

because the opportunity to study

this kind of phenomenon is so valuable.

How valuable?

Let's find out.

Hi... Hi... Hello!

Hi, yeah, I'm Mike, I live here, and...

I do! If you say so.

Er, anyway, my wife might have been a bit hasty

with some of the stuff she said earlier,

so, well, let me put something to you.

And you just get to be yourselves without me telling you not to,

so go full ghost.

Julian, just shove anything you like.

Robin, just go crazy with the lights.

Mary, lot of weird burning smells.

And a few Fanny pictures.

Oh, can I play? Oh, yes! Teamwork makes the team work.

No... No, speak for yourselves.

Personally, I don't want a bunch of misfits

poking around in every corner,

keeping us up at night with their probes and their machines...

Cap-Cap-Captain... Yeah?

It... It's actually just these four I really need.

No offence, but, haunting-wise, you don't really have much to offer.

No. That's fine, actually, er,

because I'm, er... I'm busy with something.

So, thank you. Mm-hm.

What?

Sorry, guys.

No.

I wish there were something I could do to assist fair Alison.

Yeah. The irony, eh?

I had so many skills in life -

knot-tying, tent-pitching, archery...

Oh, no, well...

And Mike has this "No Sugar, I'm Sweet Enough" mug

that I would really love to meet with an accident,

so if you could just suddenly push it... Hmm.

Um... And what's in it for me?

Well, there's not really much that I can...

A smartphone.

What?! There was a review in Robin's paper

for an application which allows you to play golf with a single finger

on a smartphone.

But they're hundreds of pounds.

Well, if you don't want my help... Are you trying to blackmail me?

With respect, I think the real issue here is... is, er...

Oh, I'm not on Newsnight now, am I?

Yeah, it's blackmail.

Oh, come on, Julian, everyone else is willing to help.

Alison, I'm not willing to help.

The smell of burnings, um, reminds me of being tied to that stake.

And for that reason, I'm out.

Hmm!

ALISON SIGHS

The offer stands.

And I will not be paraded about like some Parisian concubine.

Yeah, she no porcupine!

Ugh! And me no sideshow freak!

No, but... Actually, Robin,

having been to a sideshow, you're exactly like...

No, no, nothing.

Guy... Guys!

And boom! We have paying guests.

Ghost night is on!

Slight problem no ghosts.

Welcome to Button House. Hi.

Just through here.

So what do we do? I promised them stuff moving on its own and

weird smells and lights going off...

They have gone on strike. I mean, what do you want me to do?

I dunno. You're the ghost expert. Hmm.

You're a ghost expert you know how they operate,

so can't we just...

..fake it? Eh?

Fake it. No! No, that's completely immoral.

We can't just rip people off. I mean, what, they've paid, like...?

200 quid each.

Although, yeah, OK, thinking about it...

..it IS a real haunted house, so it's only, like, a white lie.

We have to con them,

because it's the right thing to do. Yes, yes.

OK.

Hmm!

Nice to see you, to see you...

Nice!

It's like he's in the room!

Gentlemen, there is an invasion afoot.

Despite expressly forbidding it,

she has just opened up the border and let them all in.

The place is awash with eccentrics and fantasists.

Uh-uh. No way, Jose.

We told her we weren't playing ball.

Yes, there be nothing to see.

Slash smells.

No, no they are planning on faking it all.

Pretending that there are ghosts.

I mean, it makes a mockery of our very existence.

But these people came here for a glimpse of Fanny.

Yes, and they can hardly fake that.

Well, that's it. Well, they still need you.

Of course! Come on. We shall have to find you a place to hide.

Chop chop, Fanny.

Let's go. Come along.

Come on, ape.

We're putting a stop to this.

I didn't die to let someone else fake the skills I've honed in death

without giving me a smartphone.

What?!

And I'll... I'll stays here and watch...

..this wall.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah, this part of the house has a lot of paranormal activity.

Oh, how exciting! I hope we see some. Kitty, I think we ARE some.

Check, one, two. Check. Check.

Stick together, everyone!

One, two, two, two.

Pop into Pagham to purchase a pig.

OK. It's 21.07.

Recording in zone four for EVP.

What? Electronic voice phenomena.

It picks up vocal frequencies of discarnate entities.

Ghosts, Danni, the voices of ghosts.

Right, proceed to zone three. Er...

The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.

Did you hear that? What?

That thing there picks up ghosts' voices.

Maybe we can help after all!

Help Alison? Yeah. Speak into that microphone,

and we can prove that this house is haunted.

What would we say?

Erm...

Hello, and, erm, welcome to Button Hou...

Ooh! Welcome to Button FM!

I'm Pat Butcher.

And joining me this week is renowned poet Thomas Thorne!

How are you, Thomas?

Thomas, we're on the air.

And we'll be right back with Thomas

after this song from local band Chicken & Chips.

It's called Where's The Cream?

Greetings, my apparition apostles.

The Ghostmaster General here, on the hunt in the kitchen of Button House,

where restless spirits are said to...

Turn the light off.

Was that it?

Well, yeah, but it's, like, really spooky,

cos it's when you least expect it...

..usually.

Robin! It not me!

Oooh, clever!

Oh, well, why don't you sleep with her, then?

Sweetheart, we've talked about this.

Two can play at that game.

Hoooo!

Oh!

Eh? Who the daddy? I'm the daddy. I'm Daddy.

No, no, no.

Oh, God!

Things are kicking off here, guys. This is getting pretty spooky.

Oh, yes, that's really thrown them off the scent.

Oh...

Oh, no.

OK, ease down. Ease down.

It's over, isn't it? It's over.

Do you want some milk?

Do you... do you want a glass of milk? No, thank you.

Cor! That really freaked them out. They're all yours.

Right, then, to the ballroom.

Well, we know where they're not.

Come along, Fanny, down you go.

But it's cold and damp down there.

You can't feel the cold.

Huh.

Or can we?

Yes, cool the muscles, improve performance.

A little night air might just give me the edge.

And, of course, your poetry rhymes, which is A, harder,

and B, shows you have a real passion for the English language.

Is that fair to say?

Yes.

And we'll be back with Thomas after these advertisements.

Buy cheese.

Please.

Louise.

Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,

made from only the freshest Jersey milk,

lovingly thumbed from our all-Friesian herd...

And we have a lot of poltergeist activity up here.

But that's where I live!

Oh, we also have a smell... tergeist... tergeist.

Smell-tergeist.

We're overrun!

If you just step this way...

Do you smell that?

Yes, yes, I smell it. Crafty cow.

Smells like fire, but there is no fire.

Apart from that one.

Oh, come on. Do you think we should leave this?

Yeah. That's... OK.

I mean, that wasn't what... OK.

We'll come back to that.

Now, anyway, back to the...

..poltergeist. Where?!

Wait. There it is now.

Don't let it eat me!

Wow!

I hope you guys are seeing this.

This is the real deal.

Come on. It's moving again.

Evening.

Just resting my finger against this mug.

Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?!

What the...?!

Wow, er... Oh, yeah.

That's really shaken me up, actually, guys. Um...

I'm going to have to sit down.

Not ideal.

And are these kinetic episodes related to the full-body apparition?

The Grey Lady, Danni.

Well, I mean, she can be a bit elusive, but, er, fingers crossed.

This is another room said to be haunted by the Grey Lady.

Oh, no, not again!

Hi, I'm back. Sorry, I just had to take a minute to, er...

Oh, what's that?! What was that?! What was that?!

Right, I can smell burning.

Er... Oh, that is so weird.

Right, I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out.

I'm going to have to get out of here. I need some air.

What was that?

What's that made out of?

Sack? Silk. Silk. And I have said, "Don't touch."

What's holding your hair?

Oh, Walter, put her down. She's old enough to be your mother.

It's embarrassing. I beg your pardon!

She looks like my mother. I resent that.

Except the teeth. My mum had nicer teeth.

Can I come out yet? Please!

Ahh!

There. Start my lap on the hour chime, and who needs a stopwatch?

Yeah, touch of night air on the old calves,

I should beat the pants off my two minutes, 30.

Isn't that right, boy?

Oh, what do you know? Right, here goes.

Ah, bracing!

So, this Grey Lady...

Yep, yeah, er, be patient.

Biscuit?

Ah, I'll just be a sec.

Any sign? No, I can't find her anywhere.

OK, so what are we going to do?

Cos I promised these people a Grey Lady ghost.

Why did you do that? Because we've got one.

I think I've got an idea. I just need to buy some time.

Uh-huh. OK.

No, the poltergeist was me. There aren't ghosts that haunt ghosts.

There no ghost-ghost. I know what I almost saw.

Still want that phone?

What? I need another burst of that poltergeist act,

just while I sort something out.

So what do you say? Want to play a few holes?

Looks so good! There's some sweet greens.

OK, I'm in.

Yes! Oi!

Ah-ta-ta! Great!

Now, you see that mug?

Yeah.

The second he puts it down, do your worst. All right.

The housemaid's leg was Gwendoline...

..and the lusty dog...

..was I.

Yet another poem from Thomas Thorne there.

And apologies for those still waiting for the pop quiz.

Right, let's see what we've got.

Join me next week when my guests

will be Sheena Easton and Dudley Moore!

The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.

Here we go. Fame at last!

Nah. Nothing.

Thought as much.

There's no energy here.

With experience, you can feel it.

You can't learn that sort of thing.

It's a gift, a calling, really.

Come on.

You were great, mate.

You have a slightly grating register and a tendency to gabble.

Something to work on.

Right. On your marks,

get set, and...

For King and country!

Yes, yes, I'll be sure to visit again very soon.

Hideous creatures! Couldn't take another minute.

There's a real sense there could quite literally

be a ghost around every corner.

I mean, if I just pan around,

you get some idea of the sheer size of this place...

Oh, no!

Fanny's exposed!

..but, sadly, no Grey Lady.

Two, 29. Shaved off a second!

Well done, Cap.

I knew it! It's the cold air, you see. I've still got it.

In my bally prime.

Two minutes, 30, weren't it?

Slower, if anything.

The Grey Lady!

There's free-floa... In zone...

There's a ghost upstairs!

Right, come on! OK!

The ghost-ghost.

Guys, there you are.

I think I just saw a ghost in there.

I really am...

I'm sorry again for...

Sorry.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer when I get one.

I really am sorry again.

For exploiting people, just because they're open-minded enough to accept

the possibility that there might just be such a thing as ghosts?

Because, let me tell you, there are spirits all around us.

I just hope one day, you come to embrace them.

At least!

That must be galling.

Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!

No. Come on!

It doesn't really work, mate. No, come on! Come on!

It's already up on the blogs.

Huh... huh...

..hoax.

Well, back to weddings, then.

Ah!

Off the lawn! Off the lawn!

Now she does it.

Orf the lawn!

Orf the lawn!

Er, Alison, this has stopped working.

It's saying "credit warning",

something about in-app purchases, spending limits, blah-blah-blah.

180 quid?! Well, yeah. I had to buy some new clubs.

In golf, you have to keep up with the latest technology.

Oh, you didn't even do the mug.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

There.

Now, I give you my Nelson Mandela.

Oh, no, no, Julian, no...