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1
00:00:10,952 --> 00:00:12,619
Come on!
Xena rocks!
2
00:00:12,619 --> 00:00:14,369
Aphrodite blows!
3
00:00:36,355 --> 00:00:38,644
Delinquent losers!
4
00:00:38,958 --> 00:00:40,779
I've got half a mind
to hit you with--
5
00:00:40,804 --> 00:00:42,273
A love bolt?
6
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:47,258
Hardly seems a threat.
7
00:00:47,984 --> 00:00:50,969
My, my, they certainly
made a mess here.
8
00:00:51,699 --> 00:00:54,030
Back off, Ar,
I'm bummed out enough.
9
00:00:55,216 --> 00:00:57,052
You know what your problem is?
10
00:00:57,885 --> 00:00:59,301
Your little Xena.
11
00:01:01,814 --> 00:01:03,531
Gabrielle, her friend.
12
00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:07,375
See, I only made the warrior.
She made the legend.
13
00:01:08,345 --> 00:01:10,779
Have you read any of her
so-called stories?
14
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:14,052
A warrior who loves
the common person.
15
00:01:14,812 --> 00:01:16,216
You'd think
she was a goddess.
16
00:01:17,146 --> 00:01:20,116
Pretty soon,
when people think of love,
17
00:01:20,141 --> 00:01:22,657
they're gonna think Xena,
not Aphrodite.
18
00:01:22,928 --> 00:01:25,270
Xena?
Don't blame her.
19
00:01:25,703 --> 00:01:27,619
It's Gabrielle
and her busy quill.
20
00:01:28,615 --> 00:01:29,737
That's your problem.
21
00:01:38,495 --> 00:01:40,433
I love starting
a new scroll.
22
00:01:40,777 --> 00:01:43,456
The feel of it
in your hands, the look.
23
00:01:43,777 --> 00:01:45,378
So clean.
24
00:01:46,370 --> 00:01:47,643
So perfectly empty.
25
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:53,077
Listen. The way it crinkles
the first time you open it.
26
00:01:54,218 --> 00:01:56,211
And that smell.
27
00:01:57,245 --> 00:02:00,995
It's just a special,
untouched scent.
28
00:02:01,796 --> 00:02:04,983
Try it. It smells like
musty old leather to me.
29
00:02:05,437 --> 00:02:07,891
Well, to the non-creative
person perhaps.
30
00:02:08,835 --> 00:02:11,305
Let's see. Your last
adventure began with--
31
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:14,080
Don't you ever get tired
of just writing down what I do?
32
00:02:14,354 --> 00:02:17,144
Why don't you create new
characters, new images?
33
00:02:17,995 --> 00:02:19,846
You mean fiction?
34
00:02:21,423 --> 00:02:23,563
Well, I thought
about trying that...
35
00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:25,261
someday.
36
00:02:25,792 --> 00:02:29,261
- Do you really think I could?
- Give it a shot... quietly.
37
00:02:30,388 --> 00:02:31,634
Good night.
38
00:02:34,299 --> 00:02:35,368
Xena--
39
00:02:35,393 --> 00:02:37,796
And make someone else
the hero for a change.
40
00:02:45,313 --> 00:02:48,172
Xena had gone fishing.
41
00:02:49,692 --> 00:02:52,873
The lone warrior,
Gabrielle,
42
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:56,544
awoke with a jerk...
43
00:02:57,138 --> 00:02:59,902
as five barbarians
rode out of the woods.
44
00:03:01,701 --> 00:03:04,675
Twirling her trusty staff,
45
00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:09,350
she delivered her kicks
with such fury.
46
00:03:11,195 --> 00:03:14,295
This fiction stuff
can be really fun.
47
00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:27,340
Oh, yeah.
A lot of fun.
48
00:03:34,139 --> 00:03:35,013
Xena!
49
00:03:36,554 --> 00:03:38,327
We've got company!
50
00:03:42,872 --> 00:03:46,990
Xena!
Wake up! Wake up!
51
00:04:03,958 --> 00:04:04,996
Xena!
52
00:04:06,350 --> 00:04:08,303
Okay, you asked for it!
53
00:04:09,455 --> 00:04:14,171
Round and up and down she goes.
Where she stops, nobody knows!
54
00:05:10,232 --> 00:05:11,810
She is too much for us!
55
00:05:12,029 --> 00:05:13,318
Let's get out of here!
56
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:21,016
And don't come back!
Did you see that?
57
00:05:21,243 --> 00:05:22,316
Back flips!
58
00:05:23,166 --> 00:05:24,424
I don't do back flips.
59
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,134
You have armor on under
there? Where's Xena?
60
00:05:27,439 --> 00:05:30,284
Who were those--
What are you--
61
00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:32,203
Wait a minute.
62
00:05:37,717 --> 00:05:41,006
Xena had gone--
The lone warrior, Gabrielle--
63
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,335
As five barbarians--
64
00:05:44,142 --> 00:05:45,702
She started twirling
her trusty staff,
65
00:05:45,727 --> 00:05:48,203
delivering kicks of such fury.
66
00:05:48,586 --> 00:05:51,400
Deflected the thrust of
a sword with her mighty abs.
67
00:05:52,365 --> 00:05:53,935
I wrote this.
68
00:05:55,712 --> 00:05:57,945
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
69
00:05:57,970 --> 00:06:00,062
Are you saying anything you
write in there comes true?
70
00:06:00,087 --> 00:06:01,757
Excuse me while I laugh.
71
00:06:05,149 --> 00:06:06,165
Catch.
72
00:06:07,227 --> 00:06:09,000
Something's
wrong with this stick.
73
00:06:17,931 --> 00:06:20,259
- Why'd I do that?
- Because I wrote you did.
74
00:06:20,603 --> 00:06:22,436
I can write anything, and--
75
00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,666
and it comes true.
76
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,507
In a time of ancient gods...
77
00:06:39,854 --> 00:06:41,367
...warlords...
78
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,899
...and kings...
79
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:46,468
A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...
80
00:06:55,673 --> 00:06:57,506
She was Xena...
81
00:06:58,179 --> 00:07:01,975
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...
82
00:07:06,347 --> 00:07:07,529
...The power...
83
00:07:09,371 --> 00:07:10,535
...The passion...
84
00:07:13,944 --> 00:07:15,122
...The danger...
85
00:07:20,647 --> 00:07:23,216
Her courage will
change the world...
86
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,740
The Quill Is Mightier...
87
00:07:28,205 --> 00:07:31,701
In my hands, this scroll
could be a gift to mankind.
88
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,580
Xena will be very proud when
she comes back from fishing.
89
00:07:35,138 --> 00:07:37,708
- Fishing?
- I wrote her fishing.
90
00:07:38,556 --> 00:07:40,063
What did you write
to bring me here?
91
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,352
Like, uh, you know,
Gabrielle...
92
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,084
appeared with a guy
with the heart of a lion,
93
00:07:45,109 --> 00:07:46,749
soul of a warrior,
that kind of thing.
94
00:07:47,879 --> 00:07:49,074
Let's see...
95
00:07:50,355 --> 00:07:54,064
- Xena has gone fis-
- Fishing.
96
00:07:54,089 --> 00:07:58,769
Fishing.
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
97
00:08:00,594 --> 00:08:02,890
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
98
00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:04,324
That's a funny phrase.
99
00:08:06,082 --> 00:08:07,394
I can't find anything.
100
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,125
Must've come here on my own.
101
00:08:09,761 --> 00:08:12,484
- What do we do now?
- What do we do?
102
00:08:13,277 --> 00:08:14,597
What won't we do?
103
00:08:15,152 --> 00:08:17,518
Stories can be anything
we want them to be.
104
00:08:17,543 --> 00:08:20,640
Happy endings can
truly happen, Joxer.
105
00:08:22,162 --> 00:08:25,361
Excuse me. Aren't you
the Sisters of Gaea?
106
00:08:25,361 --> 00:08:26,553
Yes.
107
00:08:26,917 --> 00:08:30,877
Is there-- something that we
can do to, um, help you?
108
00:08:31,087 --> 00:08:33,495
We're collecting
goods for our orphans,
109
00:08:34,137 --> 00:08:36,565
things we can sell
in our shop in town.
110
00:08:36,590 --> 00:08:37,832
If you have anything--
111
00:08:37,857 --> 00:08:40,302
Now, that would fetch
a pretty dinar.
112
00:08:44,128 --> 00:08:47,676
I'm sure it would, but I wouldn't
give this up just for anybody.
113
00:08:48,212 --> 00:08:50,252
Still, for the, uh,
Sisters of Gaea--
114
00:08:51,887 --> 00:08:53,324
She means your scabbard.
115
00:08:53,762 --> 00:08:55,791
Right.
Uh, no, no. I couldn't.
116
00:08:55,955 --> 00:08:56,923
My father gave me this.
117
00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:58,252
It was the only
thing he gave me.
118
00:08:58,366 --> 00:08:59,991
Had to get
the sword myself.
119
00:09:00,016 --> 00:09:01,966
I wouldn't part with
this for anything.
120
00:09:01,991 --> 00:09:03,732
Oh, too bad.
121
00:09:03,757 --> 00:09:07,516
Ceremonial weapons and the like
are a hot commodity in Kargas.
122
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:10,371
Well, you know, Sister.
123
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,285
I think you're going
to get a surprise gift.
124
00:09:13,540 --> 00:09:15,642
Right about now.
125
00:09:15,942 --> 00:09:17,137
Here.
126
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:23,565
This will provide for
our orphans for years.
127
00:09:23,590 --> 00:09:25,680
Yes. It's a miracle.
128
00:09:26,863 --> 00:09:28,586
You're welcome.
129
00:09:35,198 --> 00:09:37,629
Give me back
my kinsman's sword.
130
00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,074
I just gave it away.
Why did I do that?
131
00:09:40,081 --> 00:09:43,060
Well, it doesn't really
matter now, does it?
132
00:10:04,412 --> 00:10:08,573
Did the little blonde girlie
scare the big hairy men?
133
00:10:08,573 --> 00:10:12,677
We are barbarians.
We fear nothing.
134
00:10:12,964 --> 00:10:13,690
Yeah!
135
00:10:13,715 --> 00:10:16,285
We fight with
the heart of a lion.
136
00:10:16,285 --> 00:10:19,463
And you run with
the feet of a chicken.
137
00:10:19,613 --> 00:10:23,732
Now, get back on your horsies,
and go back after her.
138
00:10:24,099 --> 00:10:25,483
Yes, ma'am.
139
00:10:34,472 --> 00:10:35,862
Barbarians.
140
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:42,762
We don't need
your money, Joxer.
141
00:10:43,012 --> 00:10:44,224
I've got it covered.
142
00:10:45,951 --> 00:10:47,167
How much
will that be?
143
00:10:47,651 --> 00:10:50,338
Tha--
That will be... free.
144
00:10:50,612 --> 00:10:54,071
All the food is free!
And the drinks are on the house!
145
00:10:54,096 --> 00:10:55,939
You see there?
All the food is free,
146
00:10:55,964 --> 00:10:57,469
and the drinks are on the--
147
00:10:57,494 --> 00:10:59,551
Free mead!
A gift from the gods!
148
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,154
I think I have to be a bit
more careful with the wording.
149
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,510
Good ale.
150
00:11:09,444 --> 00:11:10,512
No way, Ares.
151
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,802
Not until I know for sure
that Xena has left the valley.
152
00:11:13,052 --> 00:11:14,731
I'm giving you my word.
153
00:11:14,756 --> 00:11:16,671
I've taken care of it.
She's gone.
154
00:11:17,991 --> 00:11:19,429
My men might believe that
155
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,267
I can barely hold them back.
156
00:11:21,470 --> 00:11:24,372
They want to loot that
valley now. Xena or no Xena.
157
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,155
But I'm not that stupid.
158
00:11:26,656 --> 00:11:29,014
And how stupid are you?
159
00:11:29,624 --> 00:11:32,125
Stupid enough to call
the God of War a liar?
160
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:35,143
May-may-maybe-- but
I'm definitely not
161
00:11:35,168 --> 00:11:37,385
stupid enough to go
up against Xena.
162
00:11:45,961 --> 00:11:47,146
Keep your men here.
163
00:11:48,802 --> 00:11:51,836
I'll give you a signal.
You'll know Xena's gone then.
164
00:11:53,676 --> 00:11:55,176
But wh-what's
the signal?
165
00:11:55,723 --> 00:11:57,003
You'll know when you see it.
166
00:12:03,527 --> 00:12:04,972
I'll drink to that!
167
00:12:06,873 --> 00:12:07,755
Fill her up!
168
00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:09,636
Well, time's a-wastin'.
169
00:12:10,245 --> 00:12:12,321
We've got a lot of good to
do today, Joxer.
170
00:12:12,675 --> 00:12:13,939
- Lot of good!
- I love you, man.
171
00:12:13,964 --> 00:12:15,340
Ah, you're drunk.
172
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:16,895
Who you callin' drunk?
173
00:12:17,741 --> 00:12:19,786
Come on, Vilius.
You've had enough.
174
00:12:19,811 --> 00:12:22,084
Who are you to tell
me I've had enough?
175
00:12:23,614 --> 00:12:26,134
You know, there's always one
drunk who spoils it for everyone.
176
00:12:26,774 --> 00:12:28,907
- One drunk?
- Hey, that's my mead!
177
00:12:34,777 --> 00:12:36,174
Couldn't get
any worse.
178
00:12:36,199 --> 00:12:38,087
Well, this wasn't
supposed to happen.
179
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,473
- Where are they?!
- It got worse
180
00:12:45,186 --> 00:12:46,303
You--
181
00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:50,442
You think you can
make fools of us?
182
00:12:52,496 --> 00:12:55,653
We are barbarians.
183
00:12:58,343 --> 00:13:02,608
We will-- go west.
184
00:13:07,307 --> 00:13:08,338
Yes.
185
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,046
We will go west.
186
00:13:22,308 --> 00:13:26,283
The barbarians are headed for
the Sisters of Gaea orphanage!
187
00:13:30,147 --> 00:13:33,311
Minor setback.
They turned east.
188
00:13:33,867 --> 00:13:35,835
No! We go east!
189
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,209
Now they're heading for Akanacia!
190
00:13:44,535 --> 00:13:47,439
The barbarians disappeared
from the land.
191
00:13:52,045 --> 00:13:54,086
This way... to the boats!
192
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:59,087
We'll become pirates,
and kill all who sail the seas.
193
00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:08,199
The barbarians went to the
caves and fell into a deep sleep.
194
00:14:08,224 --> 00:14:10,691
Wait! To the caves.
195
00:14:12,678 --> 00:14:14,565
I'm exhausted.
196
00:14:20,054 --> 00:14:22,226
So this is all the good
you wanted to do, huh?
197
00:14:23,141 --> 00:14:25,679
Forget it. I am not
writing another word.
198
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:27,053
Yes!
199
00:14:29,126 --> 00:14:30,436
No.
I don't get it.
200
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:33,198
I mean, my writing has
always been really vivid.
201
00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:35,609
I just am
missing something.
202
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,288
Well, maybe
it's too vivid.
203
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,876
Maybe it needs a little work--
editing or something, you know?
204
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:44,092
I've got it!
I'm not editing my work.
205
00:14:44,523 --> 00:14:46,975
Joxer, that's it, that's
all I have to do.
206
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,429
I just have to
be more careful.
207
00:14:49,732 --> 00:14:52,548
Do you realize that now that
I know the power of the scroll,
208
00:14:52,548 --> 00:14:54,702
I can end hunger,
I can end disease.
209
00:14:54,702 --> 00:14:57,962
I can end--
I can end war.
210
00:15:02,731 --> 00:15:06,452
The will of mortals
won out-- Edit.
211
00:15:07,398 --> 00:15:09,980
And war lost all its power.
212
00:15:12,028 --> 00:15:14,744
My powers! What's
happened to my powers?
213
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,279
You! What've you done to me?
214
00:15:17,304 --> 00:15:19,448
Um, it's-it's not my fault. I--
215
00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:21,664
I-I can fix this.
216
00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:25,515
The-The force...
217
00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:28,475
that enchanted the scroll
lost its powers.
218
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:35,726
Wipeout.
219
00:15:40,255 --> 00:15:43,136
Are you out of your mind?
You gave this blonde harpy...
220
00:15:43,136 --> 00:15:47,017
- powers of destiny?
- No. I enchanted a scroll.
221
00:15:47,042 --> 00:15:49,319
And don't act so surprised.
You wanted me to do it.
222
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,201
No, no.
See, what I wanted...
223
00:15:51,226 --> 00:15:53,997
was for you to go after her so
we could get Xena out of the way.
224
00:15:53,997 --> 00:15:56,722
Exsqueeze me.
It worked, kinda.
225
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:57,669
Wait a minute.
226
00:15:57,693 --> 00:16:00,857
You wanted Xena out of the way
so you enchanted my scroll?
227
00:16:01,684 --> 00:16:04,498
Ares was being his
usual manipulative self.
228
00:16:05,592 --> 00:16:08,551
He's got some army somewhere
ready to pounce on the valley.
229
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:11,280
He wanted Xena out of the way,
so he wanted to get me mad at you.
230
00:16:11,674 --> 00:16:13,778
You figured that all out
by yourself, did you?
231
00:16:14,068 --> 00:16:16,551
Hey, don't believe everything
you hear about blondes.
232
00:16:16,551 --> 00:16:18,927
Look, sweet pea,
just give me back my powers.
233
00:16:18,952 --> 00:16:21,145
- Then I'll un-zap the scroll.
- No, no.
234
00:16:21,170 --> 00:16:22,724
Write mine back in first.
235
00:16:23,029 --> 00:16:23,898
That army's waiting for me...
236
00:16:23,898 --> 00:16:25,820
to give them a signal
that Xena's gone.
237
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,063
Not helping your
cause any, slick.
238
00:16:29,046 --> 00:16:31,608
I promise, if you give
me my powers back,
239
00:16:31,648 --> 00:16:33,379
I'll call off the attack, okay?
240
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:36,096
- Pigs can fly?
- You can.
241
00:16:36,121 --> 00:16:38,368
Wait. If you undo the scroll,
242
00:16:38,393 --> 00:16:40,463
Xena's gonna come back,
and then the army won't attack.
243
00:16:41,432 --> 00:16:42,565
That makes sense.
244
00:16:45,183 --> 00:16:48,111
Aphrodite is as she was before.
245
00:16:54,196 --> 00:16:57,391
She is as she was before.
It's all in the wording.
246
00:16:57,928 --> 00:16:59,904
Okay, what if we fill up
the scroll completely?
247
00:16:59,929 --> 00:17:01,139
Will that end the curse?
248
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:03,268
So now it's a curse.
249
00:17:03,678 --> 00:17:05,069
Before, it was a gift.
250
00:17:07,379 --> 00:17:09,432
And, no, once you run out
of room, that's it.
251
00:17:09,457 --> 00:17:11,429
Everything just stays the
way it was when you wrote it.
252
00:17:11,454 --> 00:17:14,890
Look, just write, 'Everything
is as it was before.'
253
00:17:15,605 --> 00:17:17,687
Then we'll all go back
to our baby cribs,
254
00:17:17,712 --> 00:17:19,496
and you'll go back
under your rock.
255
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:21,464
Did you write him here?
256
00:17:21,489 --> 00:17:22,781
Not exactly, I--
257
00:17:24,719 --> 00:17:27,731
Ah, Gabrielle
awoke with a jerk.
258
00:17:32,068 --> 00:17:34,558
I don't get it. What's
so funny about waking up?
259
00:17:39,528 --> 00:17:40,582
Nonk.
260
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:43,563
Thallonius, is that
the signal to attack?
261
00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:52,621
No. Not the signal.
262
00:17:53,004 --> 00:17:55,722
I have to deconstruct the story,
starting from the beginning,
263
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,221
which means I have to
bring Xena back first.
264
00:18:00,252 --> 00:18:02,641
Xena rides in at
the head of an army.
265
00:18:03,376 --> 00:18:04,305
That's good.
266
00:18:04,493 --> 00:18:06,706
We could end up with
an army of ants, or--
267
00:18:07,051 --> 00:18:09,988
children--or, or-- Harpies, or--
268
00:18:11,631 --> 00:18:13,647
Why don't we describe her?
269
00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:18,014
Suddenly, there was
the arrival of the woman--
270
00:18:18,039 --> 00:18:19,365
Leather.
271
00:18:20,735 --> 00:18:23,109
- Mention the leather.
- Wearing leather...
272
00:18:23,243 --> 00:18:24,475
and-- um--
273
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,712
black hair,
carrying her chakram.
274
00:18:27,737 --> 00:18:28,628
Wait.
275
00:18:29,034 --> 00:18:31,105
Does anybody really
know what a chakram is?
276
00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:32,637
And does the scroll know it?
277
00:18:33,489 --> 00:18:34,959
Carrying the whip of Xena.
278
00:18:45,607 --> 00:18:46,568
I'm here.
279
00:18:47,288 --> 00:18:48,639
I don't know why?
280
00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:50,969
But I know I'm here
to do something.
281
00:18:51,032 --> 00:18:52,950
- Minya?
- Who's this?
282
00:18:54,077 --> 00:18:55,937
This is Minya.
She's our friend.
283
00:18:57,015 --> 00:19:00,315
She wants to be Xena,
and she has Xena's whip.
284
00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:02,204
It never leaves my side.
285
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:06,728
So, who's the stud, the dork
and that bottled-blonde?
286
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:10,499
This is Ares,
Aphrodite... and Joxer.
287
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,868
What? Ares--
288
00:19:13,642 --> 00:19:15,863
God of War!
289
00:19:17,925 --> 00:19:21,684
And Aphrodite, you're
the Goddess of Love!
290
00:19:22,448 --> 00:19:25,488
And Joxer--
Sorry, bub, never heard of ya.
291
00:19:31,644 --> 00:19:33,152
- Is that--
- No, Munk.
292
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,707
That's lunch.
Pluck it.
293
00:19:44,949 --> 00:19:46,941
You know one thing
I like about being mortal.
294
00:19:51,488 --> 00:19:52,402
What a trip.
295
00:19:53,418 --> 00:19:55,443
You know, my
boyfriend, Hower,
296
00:19:55,468 --> 00:20:00,091
he thinks that the Goddess of Love
is just sooo beautiful and perfect.
297
00:20:01,523 --> 00:20:03,263
Wait till he hears
you're just as plain
298
00:20:03,288 --> 00:20:05,672
as dirt on a wagon
wheel just like me!
299
00:20:09,670 --> 00:20:13,083
I'm supposed to be the great
bard with the wonderful stories.
300
00:20:13,648 --> 00:20:16,647
I can't even write a happy
ending without screwing it up.
301
00:20:17,897 --> 00:20:19,178
Yes, you can.
302
00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,394
I think your stories are--
303
00:20:22,271 --> 00:20:23,757
are beautiful and, uh,
304
00:20:24,326 --> 00:20:27,209
you know, not everything
you write turns into disaster.
305
00:20:27,637 --> 00:20:29,222
What about the Sisters of Gaea?
306
00:20:29,385 --> 00:20:31,491
You know that sword
that man gave us?
307
00:20:31,516 --> 00:20:34,811
We sold it for a king's
ransom to Philiadus.
308
00:20:35,641 --> 00:20:37,188
See? You did some good--
309
00:20:37,296 --> 00:20:38,704
the orphans of Gaea.
310
00:20:42,887 --> 00:20:43,900
You!
311
00:20:44,937 --> 00:20:47,218
That is my kinsman's sword!
312
00:20:47,952 --> 00:20:50,295
And you are a dead man.
313
00:20:50,598 --> 00:20:51,750
Wait!
314
00:20:52,474 --> 00:20:55,298
- What's your name?
- I am Scaberus.
315
00:20:55,859 --> 00:20:56,832
Why?
316
00:21:01,061 --> 00:21:02,282
The caves!
317
00:21:03,202 --> 00:21:05,265
I must go to the caves.
318
00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:10,401
Those caves are gonna
start gettin' pretty full.
319
00:21:12,824 --> 00:21:15,786
My throat is dry as dust.
Where's my drink?
320
00:21:16,390 --> 00:21:17,654
Coming, sir
321
00:21:22,138 --> 00:21:24,646
No.
That's not the sign.
322
00:21:26,203 --> 00:21:28,609
You know, I've been
trying to bring Xena here.
323
00:21:28,976 --> 00:21:31,608
Why don't we just go find her?
I mean, there aren't that many...
324
00:21:31,633 --> 00:21:33,194
fishing places around here.
325
00:21:33,453 --> 00:21:36,338
We've got to find a trout
stream or a fishing hole or...
326
00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:37,672
wherever I sent her.
327
00:21:41,651 --> 00:21:43,287
Why won't it stay up?
328
00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:47,372
Basic hair care was not
such a drag as a goddess.
329
00:21:48,290 --> 00:21:49,513
I think it looks good on ya.
330
00:21:50,791 --> 00:21:52,442
Flattery works. Keep going.
331
00:21:54,567 --> 00:21:55,578
You know what?
332
00:21:55,866 --> 00:21:58,199
I-I have this question for you.
333
00:22:00,514 --> 00:22:01,380
I lo--
334
00:22:02,515 --> 00:22:05,607
There's-There's
this guy, and he really...
335
00:22:05,607 --> 00:22:08,676
loves this girl, but this girl...
336
00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:10,361
- doesn't even know--
- Hello?
337
00:22:10,633 --> 00:22:12,132
The love goddess
is off the clock.
338
00:22:12,157 --> 00:22:13,665
I got my own problems.
339
00:22:16,139 --> 00:22:17,827
Alriiiiight.
340
00:22:18,321 --> 00:22:19,306
Poetry.
341
00:22:19,907 --> 00:22:21,008
And if that doesn't work--
342
00:22:21,033 --> 00:22:21,742
presents.
343
00:22:21,774 --> 00:22:22,790
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
344
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:24,852
Lots and lots of presents.
345
00:22:25,633 --> 00:22:26,336
Okay?
346
00:22:26,336 --> 00:22:27,086
Yeah.
347
00:22:27,266 --> 00:22:29,391
Standard answer.
Now, give me my space.
348
00:22:30,524 --> 00:22:33,139
Yeah. Poetry.
349
00:22:34,274 --> 00:22:35,258
Poetry.
350
00:22:40,472 --> 00:22:42,016
Let's see, um--
351
00:22:51,407 --> 00:22:53,614
Oh, by the gods! Look!
352
00:23:08,417 --> 00:23:09,269
What?
353
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,784
- You wrote on the scroll?
- Oh, I-I-- Well, I was just...
354
00:23:35,809 --> 00:23:37,900
trying to write a limerick
to cheer you up a little.
355
00:23:39,187 --> 00:23:41,491
A warrior,
Joxer the Mighty,
356
00:23:41,516 --> 00:23:43,882
Asked a boon from
the god, Aphrodite.
357
00:23:43,907 --> 00:23:47,578
And what a surprise he saw
with love's eyes, three times--
358
00:23:47,954 --> 00:23:50,577
Had a little trouble there. Anyone
know a word that ends in -ighty?
359
00:23:52,110 --> 00:23:54,500
What does love's eyes
have to do with me?
360
00:23:55,117 --> 00:23:58,491
W-Well-Well--
W-Well the-the--
361
00:23:58,516 --> 00:24:01,156
I get it. I get it.
Of course,
362
00:24:01,181 --> 00:24:03,590
love's eyes,
Aphrodite's eyes.
363
00:24:03,994 --> 00:24:06,547
She was looking at me when
you wrote the poem, right?
364
00:24:06,572 --> 00:24:07,869
That's it, exactly.
365
00:24:08,166 --> 00:24:10,966
Now, let's send those
three to the caves!
366
00:24:13,163 --> 00:24:14,037
The--
367
00:24:14,147 --> 00:24:16,708
The, uh-- uh, we can
do it in a minute,
368
00:24:16,733 --> 00:24:18,185
or now is good.
369
00:24:18,210 --> 00:24:19,624
To the caves!
370
00:24:20,999 --> 00:24:22,155
The cave.
371
00:24:56,387 --> 00:24:57,934
Aphrodite!
372
00:24:59,734 --> 00:25:01,418
Aphrodite said get
her a present.
373
00:25:04,730 --> 00:25:07,038
How am I gonna get
you a present with no--
374
00:25:17,890 --> 00:25:20,390
This is a family heirloom...
375
00:25:24,476 --> 00:25:26,486
passed from father to son
376
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,789
- Will ya trade for it?
- Yeah, I'll trade.
377
00:25:31,877 --> 00:25:34,992
But you'll have to be quick.
It's late. I'm tired and--
378
00:25:36,926 --> 00:25:39,373
I'm always open for business.
379
00:25:53,948 --> 00:25:54,785
What is--
380
00:25:55,733 --> 00:25:56,780
You like it?
381
00:26:01,423 --> 00:26:03,246
It's-- it's beautiful.
382
00:26:03,528 --> 00:26:04,801
But wh-why?
383
00:26:05,356 --> 00:26:06,896
'Cause I wanted to
get you something.
384
00:26:07,966 --> 00:26:09,637
You know, just to, uh,
385
00:26:10,496 --> 00:26:13,699
say sorry for the three
naked yous and everything.
386
00:26:17,523 --> 00:26:18,644
I, uh--
387
00:26:21,203 --> 00:26:23,806
I had to trade my
father's scabbard for it.
388
00:26:24,070 --> 00:26:24,989
What?
389
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,617
I had to trade my
father's scabbard for it.
390
00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:32,889
Joxer, you said that you would
never, ever part with that scabbard.
391
00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:35,863
Well, you know, Gabrielle, some things in
life are worth more than what they seem.
392
00:26:35,888 --> 00:26:38,480
- The scroll, Joxer.
- Yeah?
393
00:26:38,505 --> 00:26:40,512
I hid the scroll
in the scabbard.
394
00:26:40,788 --> 00:26:41,697
You did?
395
00:26:41,833 --> 00:26:43,610
Where is it, now!
396
00:26:44,915 --> 00:26:47,484
I traded a peddler for it!
We can get it back!
397
00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:49,955
What's the odds he's
gonna figure it out?!
398
00:26:49,980 --> 00:26:53,347
You'd better hurry.
It's raining dinars in town!
399
00:26:53,372 --> 00:26:54,541
Oh, that's funny.
400
00:26:56,844 --> 00:26:59,286
I've got it.
I've got it.
401
00:26:59,536 --> 00:27:03,268
I know exactly what to write, but,
first, we have to get the scroll.
402
00:27:03,472 --> 00:27:05,458
And just what will you write?
403
00:27:05,998 --> 00:27:08,206
Well, Ares,
that's my business.
404
00:27:08,367 --> 00:27:10,723
Now, Aphrodite, Minya.
I want you to go to town.
405
00:27:10,748 --> 00:27:12,575
I want you to find out
where the peddler went.
406
00:27:12,874 --> 00:27:14,301
Ares and I are going
to go where it's
407
00:27:14,326 --> 00:27:16,327
raining dinars and
look for him there.
408
00:27:17,046 --> 00:27:18,391
What about me?
409
00:27:19,516 --> 00:27:20,860
Well, Joxer--
410
00:27:21,751 --> 00:27:23,876
- You get to go to the caves--
- Say, Gab--
411
00:27:23,901 --> 00:27:25,440
And you get to wait.
412
00:27:25,805 --> 00:27:26,663
Come on!
413
00:27:28,905 --> 00:27:29,719
Do wh--
414
00:27:30,775 --> 00:27:32,767
Ooh, the caves.
415
00:27:53,623 --> 00:27:55,530
Hi there, big boy.
416
00:27:58,780 --> 00:28:01,046
Call me when you've
had a bath, toots.
417
00:28:03,481 --> 00:28:06,959
Okay. The tavern keeper said
the peddler headed out of town.
418
00:28:07,823 --> 00:28:08,495
What wrong?
419
00:28:10,273 --> 00:28:12,322
I'm gonna end up like you!
420
00:28:21,389 --> 00:28:24,508
These ruts are deep as if he's
carrying a load of dinars.
421
00:28:25,956 --> 00:28:27,719
Where'd you learn
to read trails like that?
422
00:28:28,672 --> 00:28:29,930
Xena, of course.
423
00:28:30,931 --> 00:28:32,223
You know, you hang
around her long enough,
424
00:28:32,248 --> 00:28:33,494
you're bound to
pick up something.
425
00:28:33,947 --> 00:28:35,814
- You just have to focus.
- Oh, yeah.
426
00:28:36,005 --> 00:28:37,130
I taught her that.
427
00:28:37,426 --> 00:28:38,490
When she came to
me, she was just
428
00:28:38,515 --> 00:28:40,552
another lost warlord,
hungry to kill.
429
00:28:41,129 --> 00:28:42,357
I gave her a purpose.
430
00:28:42,618 --> 00:28:44,243
Well, she has a different
purpose now.
431
00:28:44,675 --> 00:28:47,452
I know.
She's so darned good at it.
432
00:28:48,203 --> 00:28:51,356
You know, what she did when
I had her on trial for her life,
433
00:28:51,853 --> 00:28:52,907
it-- it was amazing.
434
00:28:53,025 --> 00:28:55,163
How about what she pulled
off with the Furies?
435
00:28:55,230 --> 00:28:57,543
Oh, it was brilliant. Yeah.
And she does it all with that--
436
00:28:58,012 --> 00:28:59,408
that steely gaze, you know?
437
00:28:59,433 --> 00:29:01,101
Oh, yeah. I've seen
that one a few times.
438
00:29:04,795 --> 00:29:06,748
Uh, looks like he's
heading for the caves.
439
00:29:06,772 --> 00:29:07,631
Yeah.
440
00:29:10,928 --> 00:29:14,113
We were starting to warm up
to each other there, weren't we?
441
00:29:15,100 --> 00:29:17,040
Yeah. We were.
442
00:29:18,195 --> 00:29:20,053
- I didn't like it.
- Right back at ya.
443
00:29:20,053 --> 00:29:20,786
Okay.
444
00:29:43,705 --> 00:29:44,441
Joxer!
445
00:29:45,497 --> 00:29:46,982
I'm tryin' to disarm 'em.
446
00:29:47,006 --> 00:29:49,255
I don't know how,
but you're going to screw it up.
447
00:29:49,419 --> 00:29:52,480
- Now, just back away!
- I'm not gonna screw it up...
448
00:29:52,505 --> 00:29:55,427
as long as they don't wake up
before I find the ped--
449
00:29:57,753 --> 00:29:59,149
That's the guy!
450
00:30:01,869 --> 00:30:03,268
Who's got it?!
451
00:30:07,220 --> 00:30:07,690
Oh, the scroll!
452
00:30:08,899 --> 00:30:10,924
Can't-- can't find it.
Can't find it.
453
00:30:10,949 --> 00:30:11,787
Gab!
454
00:30:12,987 --> 00:30:15,199
- Kill them!
- Get him.
455
00:30:17,034 --> 00:30:18,409
- Kill them!
- Get him!
456
00:30:26,035 --> 00:30:27,355
- Kill them!
- Come on!
457
00:30:29,737 --> 00:30:30,958
Let's go!
458
00:30:47,188 --> 00:30:48,454
Not the scroll!
459
00:30:52,753 --> 00:30:54,891
Oh, my kinsman's sword!
460
00:31:27,785 --> 00:31:30,407
Nice lookin', huh?
Yeah!
461
00:31:50,223 --> 00:31:52,189
Time to end this
once and for all!
462
00:32:00,457 --> 00:32:01,817
You there!
463
00:32:02,421 --> 00:32:03,511
Stay back!
464
00:32:07,224 --> 00:32:08,856
Gabrielle.
Over here.
465
00:32:13,145 --> 00:32:15,082
That's the way out
of the caves!
466
00:32:15,770 --> 00:32:16,692
Move!
467
00:32:36,562 --> 00:32:38,107
Come on!
They're getting away!
468
00:32:38,264 --> 00:32:39,199
Me?
469
00:32:39,959 --> 00:32:41,658
I'm mortal. I might be killed.
470
00:32:42,135 --> 00:32:43,044
Gods.
471
00:32:45,432 --> 00:32:48,134
You hair-ball get back here!
472
00:32:53,545 --> 00:32:55,252
What did you write in that scroll?
473
00:32:56,013 --> 00:32:57,643
Instead of bringing
Xena to the scroll,
474
00:32:57,668 --> 00:32:59,090
I sent the
scroll to Xena.
475
00:32:59,348 --> 00:33:01,078
I just hope I phrased it right.
476
00:33:15,016 --> 00:33:16,671
If that's not
a sign from Ares,
477
00:33:16,695 --> 00:33:19,773
I don't know what is.
Attack!
478
00:33:26,885 --> 00:33:29,464
Ares, we have got to catch
up with your warrior friends,
479
00:33:29,489 --> 00:33:31,015
so we can call off this attack.
480
00:33:31,015 --> 00:33:33,116
Well, I can't stop
them as a mortal,
481
00:33:33,141 --> 00:33:35,150
but when I get my
powers back, I promise,
482
00:33:35,399 --> 00:33:37,175
I'm gonna punish
Thelonius and his army
483
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:39,629
in some painful
and horrible way.
484
00:33:39,654 --> 00:33:41,727
You know, innocent
people are going to die.
485
00:33:42,028 --> 00:33:43,769
Oh, yes.
Innocent people.
486
00:33:44,325 --> 00:33:46,715
Look, with or without you,
we're going to fight Thelonius!
487
00:33:46,879 --> 00:33:49,965
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Who exactly is we?
488
00:33:49,990 --> 00:33:50,800
Wait.
489
00:33:52,789 --> 00:33:54,125
You guys smell
somethin'?
490
00:33:54,383 --> 00:33:56,573
Lay off of me, turkey!
491
00:33:56,573 --> 00:33:57,399
No.
492
00:33:58,683 --> 00:34:00,097
Oh, it's fish!
493
00:34:01,552 --> 00:34:04,373
I'm new to this
mortal hygiene thing!
494
00:34:07,607 --> 00:34:08,605
Xena?
495
00:34:10,217 --> 00:34:11,948
Uh, you looking for this?
496
00:34:12,606 --> 00:34:16,013
I, uh-- I took it off a peddler,
who was being chased by barbarians,
497
00:34:16,038 --> 00:34:17,793
who was being
chased by...
498
00:34:18,036 --> 00:34:20,947
three naked
Gabrielles and Minya.
499
00:34:20,972 --> 00:34:22,579
She's still chasing
them by the way.
500
00:34:22,603 --> 00:34:24,263
Oh, yeah. I read the scroll.
501
00:34:24,875 --> 00:34:26,407
Kind of messed it up, didn't I?
502
00:34:26,432 --> 00:34:28,742
Pretty much.
Did you write that limerick?
503
00:34:28,957 --> 00:34:31,408
- I did.
- Figures.
504
00:34:32,300 --> 00:34:33,749
You know, I tried
to get you back.
505
00:34:33,773 --> 00:34:35,930
I tried, Xena goes to
her number one friend--
506
00:34:35,955 --> 00:34:37,552
You sent me to visit
a girl I hadn't
507
00:34:37,577 --> 00:34:39,346
seen since I was five--
my first friend.
508
00:34:39,770 --> 00:34:42,668
What about Xena rejoins the woman
who brought her to a new life?
509
00:34:44,043 --> 00:34:45,986
Mom says thanks for the fish.
510
00:34:46,011 --> 00:34:48,385
I did start back once,
but then I was overtaken...
511
00:34:48,410 --> 00:34:50,555
by this irresistible urge
to return to fishing.
512
00:34:50,580 --> 00:34:53,029
I figured that's where you wrote,
Xena returns from her journey.
513
00:34:53,522 --> 00:34:55,535
And then I knew that
something was up.
514
00:34:56,238 --> 00:34:59,933
I had visited just about everyone
who ever meant anything to me.
515
00:35:00,170 --> 00:35:01,402
Well, except you.
516
00:35:03,375 --> 00:35:05,016
That's when I headed back.
517
00:35:06,257 --> 00:35:08,619
Look. I hate to be
the one to break up,
518
00:35:08,644 --> 00:35:11,064
like, a major love-fest,
but look at me!
519
00:35:11,119 --> 00:35:13,318
I'm not built to be mortal!
520
00:35:13,567 --> 00:35:16,117
We have to-- put things back
the way they were!
521
00:35:16,117 --> 00:35:19,471
Yeah. And stop Thelonius
from destroying the valley.
522
00:35:19,471 --> 00:35:20,578
Whatever.
523
00:35:20,602 --> 00:35:23,179
Aphrodite, what was the charm
that you used for the scroll?
524
00:35:23,204 --> 00:35:24,329
Exact wording.
525
00:35:25,980 --> 00:35:30,506
Lies will make the world go 'round
till true words are written down.
526
00:35:30,726 --> 00:35:32,218
So, if you make something up,
527
00:35:32,242 --> 00:35:34,215
the scroll has the power
to make it happen.
528
00:35:34,434 --> 00:35:36,154
And when truer words are written,
529
00:35:36,582 --> 00:35:38,411
the power ends. Well, that's it!
530
00:35:39,499 --> 00:35:41,217
All we have to do
is write the truth.
531
00:35:41,242 --> 00:35:44,146
Okay. But how will we get rid
of this warlord Thelonius?
532
00:35:44,171 --> 00:35:45,806
I'll take care of him,
but you have to
533
00:35:45,831 --> 00:35:47,183
write down
everything that I do--
534
00:35:47,208 --> 00:35:49,531
no embellishing,
no poetic license,
535
00:35:49,556 --> 00:35:51,538
just exactly what
you see, all right?
536
00:35:51,563 --> 00:35:53,275
But how are we gonna
know if it worked?
537
00:35:53,275 --> 00:35:55,179
When you get your
powers back, we'll know.
538
00:36:04,290 --> 00:36:05,418
What's wrong?
539
00:36:06,305 --> 00:36:08,753
I, uh-- I'm not really
good at--
540
00:36:09,141 --> 00:36:10,505
writing action.
541
00:36:10,530 --> 00:36:11,328
What?
542
00:36:12,289 --> 00:36:13,864
You follow Xena around--
543
00:36:16,970 --> 00:36:19,903
You-- you follow
Xena around all day.
544
00:36:19,903 --> 00:36:21,434
You write stories about her.
545
00:36:21,459 --> 00:36:23,317
How do you do this
without writing action?
546
00:36:24,141 --> 00:36:25,671
You see,
I use metaphors.
547
00:36:25,892 --> 00:36:29,509
I write, Xena burst on
the scene in a blaze of glory.
548
00:36:30,430 --> 00:36:32,861
You do that and we'll be pickin'
her up in a million pieces.
549
00:36:39,681 --> 00:36:42,181
Move it! Kill, kill,
kill, kill! Follow me!
550
00:36:42,463 --> 00:36:44,589
Attack! Attack! Attack!
551
00:36:44,752 --> 00:36:46,132
Get up!
Get up! Get up!
552
00:36:59,618 --> 00:37:02,487
Xena leads with a pike,
then a trout.
553
00:37:03,938 --> 00:37:05,391
Bam, bam-- two quick bass.
554
00:37:13,429 --> 00:37:15,117
Oh, he's taken it on the chin!
555
00:37:26,973 --> 00:37:28,567
That octopus came out of nowhere.
556
00:37:29,629 --> 00:37:31,356
She must have thrown
that just for the halibut
557
00:37:32,599 --> 00:37:34,705
Write, 'Xena hit the warrior
with a squid'
558
00:37:35,415 --> 00:37:38,401
It was an octopus. I think I
know a squid when I see one.
559
00:38:17,101 --> 00:38:19,038
Xena whacked the
warrior with her sword.
560
00:38:19,063 --> 00:38:19,783
Whacked?
561
00:38:19,783 --> 00:38:21,683
- Is that a word?
- Hit. Say hit.
562
00:38:21,708 --> 00:38:23,231
I don't think it's
very literary.
563
00:38:23,810 --> 00:38:24,795
Okay. Hit.
564
00:38:28,569 --> 00:38:30,582
Xena fought with
the warrior leader.
565
00:38:30,582 --> 00:38:31,809
Fought with the--
566
00:38:31,834 --> 00:38:33,746
Hey, what do you
mean awoke with a jerk?
567
00:38:33,771 --> 00:38:36,793
- Just keep to the script.
- I'm ready for action.
568
00:38:36,818 --> 00:38:38,072
Where's Xena?
569
00:38:43,261 --> 00:38:44,721
Minya, where are the barbarians?
570
00:38:45,027 --> 00:38:48,296
They stopped fighting
and ran back to Barbaria.
571
00:38:48,890 --> 00:38:50,575
My hormones are peaking.
572
00:38:50,804 --> 00:38:52,067
I'm ready for action.
573
00:38:52,092 --> 00:38:53,709
I'm gonna crack some heads!
574
00:38:53,741 --> 00:38:54,670
Yeah.
575
00:39:21,653 --> 00:39:23,080
I'm back!
576
00:39:24,114 --> 00:39:25,126
Later.
577
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:30,474
Sorry.
578
00:39:51,324 --> 00:39:52,542
Run, maggot!
579
00:39:55,912 --> 00:39:57,562
Ooh, I still got it.
580
00:40:05,773 --> 00:40:06,710
What's that?
581
00:40:10,527 --> 00:40:11,784
What's that?
582
00:40:16,343 --> 00:40:19,421
You know, I expected
more from the God of War.
583
00:40:19,726 --> 00:40:22,177
I mean, without his powers,
he's just another man.
584
00:40:22,445 --> 00:40:25,629
Just another big old,
leather-clad,
585
00:40:26,121 --> 00:40:28,338
well-muscled, gorgeous,
586
00:40:28,363 --> 00:40:32,442
hunk-a bad boy... man.
587
00:40:33,223 --> 00:40:34,727
How are those hormones, Minya?
588
00:40:34,752 --> 00:40:38,477
Raging. I, uh--
I might go see-- Hower.
589
00:40:40,015 --> 00:40:41,213
Weird.
590
00:40:42,126 --> 00:40:45,084
I guess everything's
fine now. I guess so.
591
00:40:45,375 --> 00:40:48,218
Hey, look. You still got some extra
space at the bottom of the scroll.
592
00:40:49,366 --> 00:40:51,429
Guess that means there's
something else to write.
593
00:40:51,499 --> 00:40:52,858
Try, 'The End.'
594
00:40:54,133 --> 00:40:57,562
Okay. I just-- I personally
think that sounds a bit--
42618
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