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One question.

Can we change the turquoise curtains?

No.

-Do I have to compost? -Yes.

All right, what about Netflix?

Your account, my queue.

-Xbox Kinect. -I'll allow it.

-Roku? -One Roku.

-Two Rokus. -One Roku.

We're gonna be a two-Roku household.

-Oh, fine. -We're gonna live together.

We're gonna live together!

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

-I-I feel it. -Uh-huh.

I feel it coming up inside of me, up,

and it goes a little something like this. Uh...

* We're gonna li-i-i-i-ve

* together

-Right? -Mm-hmm.

Do you feel that?

-* We're gonna live together -Unh.

* We're gonna live together

* We're gonna motherfuckin', motherfuckin' live together *

Yeah, we are.

We're gonna buy a fridge together

-* Eat some nibs together -* Unh

* Eat some ribs together, unh *

We're gonna be so fat together.

We're really shitty rappers.

We are.

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

* Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha *

Did something happen?

Not -- Rudy, it's not --

And I will take that as a yes.

Okay, Rudy, look, it...

-Kind of. -Kind of.

Kind of? I mean, kind of -- "I kind of cheated on you."

-That's really -- That's -- Okay. -Okay, no, no, no. Wait.

Hold on. Something happened, but it wasn't a big deal!

-Where are you going?! -Out.

It's a blackout.

Where are you -- We need to talk about this!

Fuck!

It was at first bewildering to me, as one mother I met,

the mother of two severely disabled boys --

one of whom died tragically through caregiver neglect --

said at that boy's funeral,

"Let me bury here the rage

I feel to have been twice robbed --

once of the child I wanted,

and once of the son I loved."

Ms. Shamkali. Ms. Shamkali?

We need to mike you.

Uh, yeah, this dude is totally killing it out there.

You're gonna do great.

Yeah, but he's got the audience crying over autistic gay babies

that grow up to cure cancer or something.

It is touching.

Yeah, how can I be more touching?

You're touching.

Yeah, but I don't have any deaths

or near deaths in my talk.

-It's still really touching. -Ah, all right.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

But what if you're just being nice?

Oh, no, I watched your rehearsal,

and I loved it, ma'am.

Oh.

You're calling me ma'am for some reason.

You're not supposed to call someone ma'am

until they're like 75.

I am so sorry. I just figured,

since you're a neuroscientist, saying something like --

Oh, but us neuroscientists, we know how to get down.

We do. -Of course.

I just joined a CrossFit.

Oh, flippin' tires and stuff. That's cool.

And I go to all the clubs, all of them.

-I believe you, yeah. -And I do the whole --

Yeah, those are moves.

-I learn it from television. -Of course.

The thing with calling someone

a ma'am neuroscientist is that it makes it sound

like they pee using electrodes, you know what I mean?

I don't, but I did not mean to imply any of that.

Okay.

Um, but we do still need to put your mike on.

-Oh. -Yeah.

Cock in my face. I'm sorry.

I was just having a moment -- a "ma'ament."

Stupid.

'Cause I still have to give a-a TED talk.

Yeah. You do. Uh --

Fuck.

But, hey, you --

you are really gonna be great, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

Yeah. We'll just go over here and put this on.

Does TED have a contingency plan

if I accidentally take a dump onstage?

Um, I can check.

All right, so, we actually can...

Exactly. It's -- it's going now.

15 minutes!

...which looks like a turd bucket!

-Move it to the footer! -It looks fine. Who cares?

Uh, five grand in award money cares.

Man, your mediocrity is a fucking wart

-on my taint right now. -I don't see the likeness.

-The warts. -14 minutes!

Jesus. This goes fast.

Yeah, bro, you're not in fightin' shape.

I'm surprised you even wanted to do this hackathon.

Sorry for having a girlfriend

that likes to sleep with me on a daily --

-Monthly -- -Weekly basis.

Mm.

Is she okay?

Is she alive? Her tits still on her chest?

-All right. -Still breathing?

'Cause she better be in some serious shit.

-Okay, I get it. -No, she would have

to "vag" cancer for you to answer the phone right now.

I think vag cancer is kind of out of bounds.

Okay, well, actually, vag cancer

is a slow-acting cancer, so

even if she had vag cancer, not time --

-Stop saying vag cancer! -Vag cancer.

Oh. Mommy like.

-What? -Oh!

You didn't tell me she was at TED.

Ooh! That gives me a brain boner

and a penis boner in the same boner.

Guys, it's a TED talk, not the Gettysburg Address.

Four score and seven dicks ago.

Hi. Thank you so much for joining me.

You seem like an attractive audience.

I'm not trying to hit on you.

That's just a scientific observation.

And... that's time!

I study brain function.

I look at neurons like these.

But what if some of these neurons just don't work?

What if some of these neurons just suck?

That's where optogenetics comes in.

I have seem some very compelling concepts today,

and I don't care about them.

Contest was not to be compelling.

It was to get a minimum-viable product

that will scale and not suck.

And most of you sucked.

We can send targeted viruses into your brain

with sophisticated light mechanisms

to activate the neurons that need repair.

Only one team showed me something today

that was not utter mediocre garbage.

And we're gonna reward them right now with

some cold hard cash

and this banging trophy

that we got at the craziest old-school trophy store

on 19th Street.

I want to make it into a café.

And that's when I was able to climb

in my grandmother's brain

and reactivate those neurons,

and that's when her memory started flooding back.

And the first thing she said to me was,

"You eat too much takeout."

Some of you have the potential

to be disrupters, some of you.

Most of you are embarrassments like skin tags or capri pants.

This science is not gonna

be able to remove your tramp stamp,

but it might help repair the neurons

that made you think getting

that tramp stamp was a good idea.

You bring an app to me,

I want it to disrupt so hard

it tears an anal fissure in the tech world's rectum.

This technology is exciting.

It's like crack in the '80s,

but if crack was a good thing.

Statistically, in three years,

90% of you are gonna be dead or, worse, like, in graduate school.

Does your cubicle mate

listen to Phil Collins on loop while sobbing?

I want you to forget about disrupting.

Is your neighbor a total "B"?

I want you to punch a fucking hole

in time and space.

-Let me control your brain. -Yeah!

Winners -- $5,000 in seed money.

Your future millionaire assholes are The Index Project.

Fuck you! Fuck you all!

Oh!

And that, my friends, is an idea worth spreading.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Cheers.

So, is this your first TED?

That's a really shallow reading on the singularity.

Actually, it's an open-source underwater robot.

I hear Malcolm Gladwell is a sexual outlier.

-You see them over there? -Yeah.

They're working on the inter-species Internet.

I'm not exactly sure what that means,

but apparently dolphins can operate it with their noses.

Oh, my God. I hope I have enough business cards.

You don't need any business cards.

It's not a career fair.

Right. I know.

It's just there's so much insane networking here.

Some of these people are so rich they're not even wearing suits.

Suits are for hundred-thousand-aires.

Billionaires barely wear shoes.

Really?

They wear shoes. Will you just relax?

Just take a beat, okay? Be yourself,

but a better version of yourself.

-Okay? -Okay.

I just really need for, like, one of these people

to do me a solid and fund my motherfucking research.

I know, but don't talk about your motherfucking research,

and don't say "motherfucking," okay?

You just need to make a connection.

They will be intrigued if you are intriguing.

-What did Martin Buber say? -I don't know.

He said, "All real living is meeting."

-At least I think he said that. -That sounds interesting.

You know who I want you to meet?

The handsome guy, the tall guy,

you should meet him -- Nathan Blonket.

He is venture-capital royalty.

He's invested in every Silicon Valley company

with a billion-dollar valuation.

He's the moneyman behind Ben Affleck and the Congo.

And according to Internet lore,

he controls Al Gore's left testicle

through an iPhone app he coded himself.

-That sounds made up. -Nathan! Hi!

-Here comes trouble. -How are you?

-Hi. How are you? -I'm good. How are you?

-You look great. -Thank you.

There's somebody I want you to meet.

Mina Shamkali, this is Nathan Blonket.

Is this where I get my brain scan?

-Oh, so you know? -Well, I saw that talk.

-He saw my talk. -Great.

That's a ref-- reference to that.

-My talk. -Fantastic.

Oh, my gosh. There's Andrew Del Rey.

Does it get any sexier than a neuroscientist

who creates cyborg cockroaches?

-I'm gonna -- -Don't answer.

-It's a rhetorical question. -Maybe it don't.

-Yeah. -But does it?

I'm going over. You behave yourself.

I don't know what you mean, madam.

Scurrilous.

-We are so fucking good! -Ah!

I will drink to that! To Index!

Uh, is that what we decided to call it?

I feel it has a finance-y ring to it.

Hey, but is the vibe too finance-y?

-Guys, it was an exercise. -Exercise?

Yeah, I think he said exercise.

It was an exercise.

No, this is gonna disrupt mobile payments.

Uh, I mean, we actually have seed money to build this thing.

$5,000? That's four lines of code.

"Oh, look at me. Look at me.

I'm Rudy, and I'm a tiny, shitty baby,

and I'm scared of success.

And this is me, and my arms are up,

and success is here, and I'm never gonna reach success

because my arms are too small."

My arms are regular length.

You got tiny, pussy, shitty arms!

-My arms aren't short. -All right. Basta.

You know what we should do

is get your girlfriend on the board,

and then she could introduce us to all her fancy friends.

-Yeah. -Okay, one, she's not that fancy,

and, two, it was a hackathon, guys.

-Come on. -That we won.

Man, stop shitting on my face.

I'm not shitting on your face.

I'm just saying the likelihood we do anything with it is slim.

-Why's that? -Because you guys are lazy,

and you're wearing a decorative hair dr--

Hair dryer on my head, yeah.

You know what you should do is sign over all your shares to us.

Yeah, on a napkin. Let's make it official.

We'll get this shit notarized.

Okay, fine.

"I, Rudy Higgins, sign over hypothetical shares

of a company that may or may not one day exist,

called Index or whatever you change it to

'cause that name sucks.

Rudy."

-There you go. Good luck.

We don't need luck.

Yeah, when we got a paper trail.

Shh, shh, shh! Shush, shush! Don't listen to him.

Don't look at him. He's a pussy.

And I'm gonna build you a platform.

I'm gonna make this happen. I'm gonna make you proud.

You know what?

I'm pretty sure that she's not consenting to this.

-I'm tickling the taint, though.

-Hey. -Hi.

Why is Mina Shamkali calling me?

I have news. No, I'm not pregnant.

-High five. -High five to that.

Back to bare backing. What?!

No, we really -- We shouldn't. I'm kidding.

-So, here it is.

Here we go. Wait for it.

And...

I got the TED fellowship.

The...

You know, the -- the -- remember?

The -- I applied for the TED fellowship,

like, a while back.

Uh, yeah, no, uh, that's --

You know, like, the prestigious one

with TED and the TED talks and the...

Yeah.

Hey.

Where'd you go?

What? No, I'm here. Uh, just -- Sorry.

I'm, uh...

Oh, I was just thinking how I'm

gonna be a work-for-hire coder for the rest of my life,

but, um, neither here nor there.

-Um, that's great. -Are you sure?

Doesn't... Doesn't feel that great.

No, I -- No, I -- It is, it is.

Um, sorry.

I just, uh...

I should probably go back to work.

I have this crazy deadline.

We're doing some pretty cool stuff,

and, you know, it's got be done, so...

All right. Okay.

I'm gonna go, too, 'cause --

'cause it -- 'cause you're going so...

And then, if I was still on,

it would be like I'd be weir--

I'd be monologizing or, like, Gray Spalding or something.

Spalding Gray.

Spalding -- Right. I don't e--

I don't even know my m-monologists.

Um, okay.

All right. I'll see you later.

-Love you. -Yeah. Love you.

Wind field from this storm is incredibly impressive.

We've got tropical-storm-force winds

1,000 miles across and hurricane-force

winds about 200 miles across.

It's basically one of the largest

we've ever seen in the Atlantic basin.

Hi, Mina.

-This is for you guys. -Oh.

Things are getting messy out there.

Yeah, uh, thank you so much...

-Susan. -...Susan.

-I know your name. -It's fine.

All old people look the same.

N-No, they don't. Really, I --

Ah, it's not like my name is on the door or anything.

-I-I'm just so jet-lagged. -All right, then.

-Thank you for this. -Yeah.

Jay, the number of Americans impacted

by this storm will be enormous.

60 million people we're looking at.

I'm home.

Hey!

-Hey! -She has returned.

-Hi. -How are you?

Susan gave us this care package.

Amazing.

You guys are like buds, huh?

Yeah, she's the one that gave you those Pilates classes.

Ah, yeah, Pilates Susan.

I don't think she likes me anymore.

Aw, she's hilarious. You just have to hang out with her.

Come here.

Oh, wait. Let me, uh, take this suitcase

back before it, like, grows roots in the living room

and then has little suitcase babies

and then we have to, like, feed a whole family of suitcases.

Ugh. That sounds terrible.

And don't let me disrupt, like, whatever you're doing.

No, I'm in the market for distraction.

I'm doing stupid client work.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

You've been gone so long we have, like, nine "Frontlines"

-on the DVR. -I know.

-I'm pretty tired. -No, you're not.

You just need to come to the spa.

The Rudy Higgins House of Hands, I believe it's called.

Did you call my friend at Cherry Grove?

-No, I'm not qualified for that. -You are!

Why don't you follow through with these things?

Why don't you come let me have my way with you on the couch?

You know I got one of the last flights

before they shut down the airport?

-I did know that. -And did you stock up with,

like, Swedish meatballs and mac 'n cheese?

I'm on it. Don't worry.

Did the building send an e-mail

about what to do with the windows.

Hey.

Whoa.

What the fuck?

So much for working off the cloud.

Okay. Hold on.

It'll come back in just a second.

Just -- Just give it a second.

Here, look at me.

What are you --

Are you Instagramming in the dark?

Maybe.

That's gonna be a big hit.

Oh, shit.

There's no service. Yeah, me either.

Just hold on.

Fuck.

Wait. Hold the phone -- literally.

This is gonna come back.

Fuck.

I think we're, like, completely off the grid right now.

Okay, okay. This is why we have candles.

-Don't worry. -And flashlight apps.

Oh!

And I have one of those free lanterns

from our subscription to WNYC.

We're subscribers to WNYC?

Uh, yeah, we're not animals.

True.

Support my fuckin' Ira Glass and shit.

Oh! And you know what?

I have, like, a Walkman, I think.

It's like an old-school ridiculous Walkman

that's, like, battery-operated.

Wait. Is it a Walkman or a Discman?

It's a Walkman.

My parents refused to believe that CDs were happening.

My parents refused to believe that call waiting was happening.

Oh, my God, so when people called your house,

it was always like

Oh! It still hurts! It still hurts!

Oh, fuck balls!

You okay?

Uh, yes, our furniture

is not where you think it is.

Here. Found it.

Wow. It's like an ancient relic.

Yeah, I was, like, doing an archaeological dig

back there, and I ran into, like, three flip phones.

No, it's not working.

Shit.

What did people do before they were,

like, binge-watching HBO Go?

Well, that's when all the, uh, weird sex

positions were invented.

Oh, that makes sense.

They were, like, binge-creating sex positions.

-Precisely. -It would be like "Sex Position:

Season One," "Sex Position: Season Two."

The third season of "Sex Positions" was definitely,

like, a failure, but then

season four of "Sex Positions," everyone was like, "Oh, my God,

did you see that sex position?"

Man, we used to do so many rap battles.

Yeah, we did. We've been slacking.

-Give me a beat. -No, come on.

-I'm rusty. -No, come on.

What do you got, somewhere to be right now?

We're off the grid. Give me a fuckin' beat.

Let's go!

Okay. Okay, okay. Hold on.

Okay, how about this. Okay? Mm-hmm.

-You getting that? -Bring it.

-You getting that? -Okay.

Okay. Yo, yo Hold on.

I'm gonna do a couple more yos.

-Okay. -Yo, yo, yo, uh,

* Yo, here we are in the midst of a hurricane *

* Trees are topplin'

* Al Gore, would you please explain *

* No electricity, lots of humidity *

* My rhymes so fly they define fluidity *

-Oh! -Yeah!

-Okay. Okay. -Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'm not vamping. I'm just thinking of stuff to say.

-Uh-huh. -Okay. Okay.

* Fluidity? Here's the inconvenient truth *

* Your rap game's sadder than a sad Buster Bluth *

* Your development's arrested, your moves have been molested *

* What's that? It's the sound of you gettin' bested *

Oh!

* Me, I'm like solar

* And I came to give you that power *

* in kilowatts per hour

* That's the unit, right?

* And all the things that rhyme with flower *

Oh! Shit, I fuckin' rhymed flower with power and hour.

I fucking feel like I just won this shit.

-That's all it takes. -Fucking drop the mike, dicks.

-Water pressure? -Yes.

-Hot water? -Aah! No.

-Oh, my God. -Good luck to you.

Too cold, too cold, too cold.

Grin and bear it, baby. Grin and bear it.

I don't want to wash my vagina with this.

-Hey, Rita. -Hey, Rita.

-You guys okay? -Oh, yeah.

-Thanks. -See you later.

I love that we have a doorman woman.

Doorman woman.

How are you, "Chillmaster"?

All right. How you doing?

Thank you, sir. Yeah, you take care.

Ah, Rudy! My main man.

Chillmaster. What's going on, man?

I see the blackout's not putting a dent in your deejaying.

No, way!

My brother's coming with the generator.

In the meantime, I got my boom box

hooked up to my car battery.

-You're like MacGyver here.

By the way, you play really great tracks.

-Oh, this is my girlfriend Mina. -I know.

I follow you on Twitter.

And I see you in the neighborhood

with your pigtails.

Oh, uh, yeah, that's what I do when I go to the gym.

I'm not -- I don't want to be associated with that look,

but, anyways, you are a really great deejay for the block.

I think she looks beautiful in her pigtails, personally.

Okay.

So, what's the story, man?

Rockaways are fucked.

Houses destroyed, all in that.

-Shit. -Oh.

But they just opened, though.

-Cool. -Let's head over.

Okay, thanks, man. See you later.

I'll play you out.

-All right. -All right.

-All right. -This feels like such an honor.

Yeah. Nice.

Nice meeting you.

-You too, uh, "Pigtails." -Oh, my God,

is he gonna call me Pigtails for the rest of my life?

Probably, Pigtails.

-Probably. -Ugh.

Hey, uh, do you guys have, uh --

-Rudy! Hey! Yeah! -What's up?

What's going on, Hassan?

Uh, there's a hurricane blackout is what's going on.

-What kind of question's that? -All right, all right.

Do you guys have any newspapers?

Nope. No papers. Nope.

So, what's the story? What are people doing?

Well, all the cell towers are down,

so people have been going down to the river.

You can get cell reception from Brooklyn there.

-Sweet. Let's go to the river. -Okay. Thanks.

Um, buy a flashlight.

Uh, we already have a flashlight but --

Buy a flashlight.

Okay. Give this to you.

-Thank you. -Thanks, guys. Hassan, laters.

Peace.

* Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, lo-o-ve *

* Lo-o-o-o-ve

* Lo-o-o-ve

* Lo-o-o-o-ve

* Love, love, love, love *

* Love, love, love, love

-Salaam. -Sala-- He's Iranian.

Yeah, I know.

I was worried when they had no iPads.

I know, but they're actually playing.

Hmm.

Weird.

Oh, my God.

And God said, "Let there be 4G."

That was in -- That was in Corinthians, right?

Ah, it feels so good. Maman.

-Hey, Mom. -Salaam.

No, we're fine, we're fine.

We're in the blackout zone, though.

-Yeah, no power. No, we --

-My mom says hi. -My mom says hi.

No, we're -- We're fine. We're safe.

No, you don't need to send money.

Mom, don't cry. It's...

Don't. You're more freaked out than I am.

Okay.

I love you, too. Love you.

Okay. All right.

Bye. I'll t-- Bye.

Bye. I love you. Bye.

Okay. Xoda hafez.

-Nutjob.

But, I mean, like, the best kind of nutjob,

but, like, still like a nutjob.

-Functional nutjob. -Oh! Check it out.

I got new Twitter followers during the hurricane.

Oh, my God. You're so popular.

I mean shut up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who's that guy?

He's, um...

He's got his hand on your leg.

Yeah. He's like that.

Just like that? Just like a... leg rapist?

Um, he's, like, rape-y

the way gay dudes are, like, rape-y 'cause he's super gay.

Like, he's extra gay. He's like so gay he wants boobs.

Hm. I want boobs.

His name is Nathan, but I call him "Gaythan"

in my head 'cause he's so gay.

Hm. Gay dudes get away with so much.

They do.

Oh, shit. Look at the Rockaways.

Fuck. I feel like a dick

for complaining about a lack of Internet

when people lost their homes and shit.

Yeah, we are dicks.

-Lucky dicks.

-Come on. -Lucky dicks.

Oh, my God, does holding a cellphone

in the air actually increase cell reception?

I think it's like when you push the elevator button

and you know it's not gonna do anything.

You just keep pushing it.

Yeah, it just makes you feel better.

Candle industry is cleaning up.

Yeah, they are.

Hey, bartend. What are you serving?

Uh, it's a full bar, but everything's warm.

Great. I will have an IPA.

-Double Jameson. -Got it.

Thanks.

Feel like we're on vacation

and I am the mayor o' Lazy Town.

Yeah.

-Besides -- -So, um...

Beverly tells me you're a V.C.

You know, I, uh -- I get around, yeah.

But, uh, right now I'm into biotech.

Ah.

-That's interesting. -Oh.

Um, you want a free drink?

-I do like free. -Do you?

I mean, do rich people actually like free stuff,

or does it not matter because they're so ridiculously rich?

I kind of feel like you are gonna scan my brain.

Come on.

Are you? I'm alarmed.

What kind of scientist do you think I am?

I think it's too early to tell.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Ahh! There you go. Cheers.

Ah, ah! We -- We have to do it again.

-We weren't making eye contact. -What?

No, it's like a thing. You have to look into my eyes,

and I have to look into your eyes.

It's a -- We just have to -- A do-over.

Okay.

Here we go.

I'm looking into your eyes.

I'm looking into your eyes.

Okay, and...

Say it.

Okay. Cheers, Rudy.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What do they say in Farsi?

They say be salamati.

Be salamati.

Ah, this is, uh, as warm as they advertised.

-That's really strong. -Does the trick.

An acquired taste.

You, me, dance, now.

Nooo.

-Come on, come on. -Listen, um...

there's something I have to tell you.

I have something to tell you. If I don't dance

in the next 15 seconds, I might die.

-It might happen. Come on.

We're doing it right now.

What?

I love you.

I love you.

Whee!

This is embarrassing.

No, this is a blackout.

Whatever happens in a blackout stays in a blackout.

Stays in a blackout.

-Stupid. -And you loved it.

It's happening right now.

No, it's not.

Yes, I'm your angel investor.

Come on!

What, you're gonna turn down my money?

Maybe.

Well, you'd be the first.

Okay, well, watch me.

And I'm done turning down your money.

I-I lasted very little time.

Okay, yeah, you did not. You caved very quickly.

Okay, on this maraschino-stained napkin,

I hereby proclaim my intention

to fund the next phase of your research.

How about that?

Holy shit balls.

Are you for real?

It's legally binding.

Cherry scented. Take a whiff.

A celebratory drink. Bartend!

-Sorry. Bar's closed. -Ohh.

Oh, you know what's open? Hotel lobby bar.

-Okay. Let's go. -Let's go.

It's this way, you fool.

I'm going in the wrong direction.

Hey.

Hey!

What is happening right now?

This is compliments of the kitchen.

Oh, my God.

Madam, the fruit, the croissant,

the eggs, the juice, and the expired milk.

Oh! This is amazing.

I feel like the queen of Monaco.

She was French, right? Or something.

She was.

Hey, um, are we still in a blackout?

We are still in a blackout.

Fuck me in the face hole.

Hey, you know what would be fun, though?

If had, like, a blackout food-rotting party.

Yeah, but we would need, like,

a raven to take scrolls to all of our friends,

and it's just a whole thing.

-You're looking at him. -What?

I went to the river. I invited our friends over.

We're having a party!

-Shut up. -Yeah!

Get over here! What are you doing?

Me?

Mm! That's so sweet.

* Young money

* Been around the world and now y'all *

* can't even believe the days we left, bye-bye *

* Got the drug dealers, keep the patients how high *

* Get on my nerves when I see the children cry, cry *

* Your lives, my lives, realize real lives *

* By the trap thugs, this Web is worldwide *

But you could still see his face.

But anything to have a...

Well, we had to barter with our neighbors

for a flashlight.

Just so you know, the going rate

in a hurricane market is four tampons.

This little gusher saved my life.

Guys, did you hear about the guy at TED

who's, like, taking used tampon applicators

and turning them into prosthetic legs?

That's right. How did it go?

Are you, like, super famous now? You're never around.

-Yeah, I'm ridiculously famous. -I can't believe it.

Who'd you sleep with me to make this all happen?

What?

Listen, we believe the ends

justify the means in the Shamkali/Higgins household,

so whatever works, right?

-Huh, baby? -Uh, yeah. I'll be right back.

The five tequilas you poured down your throat.

I don't know what -- It wasn't -- It wasn't five.

-I'm not a doctor. -And you're not a counter.

It was six, it was six.

You are unable to count, as well.

-It was six. It was six. -It wasn't...

Anyway, this is, uh -- This is me.

Well, now that we're pointing out doors,

that one is me.

That's a nice, solid door.

Yeah, it's industrial-strength steel.

Oh, interesting.

I mean, I know a lot about doors.

-Yeah, you seem to. -So I don't mean to brag.

-Yeah. -Just one of my specialties.

Um...

Well, I better go.

Whatever you think is best.

But it was, uh --

-It was great meeting you. -Yeah.

Yeah, I look forward to supporting your work.

And I look forward to you looking forward to d-doing that.

Yes. Holy shit.

Six tequi-- I think it was six tequilas.

-Yeah. -Um...well...

Yeah.

-Um... -Okay, then.

I'm gonna head out.

Oh. Yes.

-Good night. -Oh. All right.

Okay.

Hey, we'll sort out the contract in New York -- Tuesday.

Yes, Tuesday.

That's gonna be fun.

We'll just sort some stuff out.

Don't fall over on your way into your room.

No, it was --

Honest, it was -- The floor was weird.

So, uh, good night.

No, so there's power above 48th Street and in Brooklyn.

Mostly, I'm just so bored.

I did have sex with my neighbor, though.

Really?

Didn't know I had a neighbor.

I don't know if you guys have noticed,

but I started making eye contact again.

I'm gonna ask you to stop doing that.

It -- It felt intrusive.

Okay.

-Hey. You okay? -Yeah.

-It's going well. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What the --

Doorbell doesn't use electricity.

-Oh, my God. -You keep forgetting.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. I'll let you go entertain.

You know, I got it.

You're my goddess.

You keep on forgetting this.

-What are you doing here? -It's Tuesday.

I'm here to finalize my investment.

Oh, it's a blackout. I didn't think you were coming.

-Are you entertaining? -Yeah, we're having a, like,

blackout food-rotting party thing.

-Sounds delightful. -So you should probably --

-Hey. -Hi.

Who's this?

Um, Rudy, this is Nathan. We met at TED.

Uh, Nathan, this is Rudy, my boyfriend.

-Hi. -Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Nathan Nathan?

-N-- Yes. -Nathan Nathan!

Come on in, man.

-Ah! Welcome. -How nice. Thank you.

Mi casa es su casa --

or nos casa. Su casa?

-I always forget. Brewski?

We don't speak Spanish. No, uh, you know what?

You go, and I'll take care of him.

All right, everything must go.

You don't have to stay.

I know.

No.

Okay. Okay.

What am I doing? What am I doing?

I have a boyfriend.

I'm a scientist with a boyfriend.

This is about science, this is about science,

this is about science, this is about science.

This is about science. I'm gonna fucking

get some motherfucking science up in that hotel room.

That's all this is about.

Don't even fuckin' think about being a fucking whore.

This is about science.

Hey, guys. This is Nathan.

Hey. How you doing?

-Hi. -Nathan, Triscuit s'more?

I guess I should say yes.

-Thank you. -Want you to be my guest.

-Americans. -Ah.

So, Rudy. Rudy, what is it you do?

I am a developer.

I try to make lame products

for lame clients slightly less lame.

Take my card. I actually run a V.C. firm.

-Oh. -Yeah.

O-Okay, yeah, cool.

No, I just, um -- I won a hackathon

for Grind Work Ventures.

Oh, cool. What did you build?

It's called Index.

It's supposed to, like, disrupt the way

we make mobile payments or,

-you know, just try. -We'll have a meeting.

I've found developers make the best founders.

Uh, yeah, o-okay.

You guys aren't friends with lots of ugly people, are you?

I guess not. Uh, a-are you single?

Yeah, for my sins.

Mm. Fair enough. Good to know.

Have you met, uh, Reggie? Reggie, Nathan.

Oh, hello. S'more man.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Gay.

Well...

-We met before?

Just a second ago.

-Right. -You gave me a s'more.

That's right. You didn't like it.

Sure, I'll take that off your hands.

Yeah, they're appalling.

Ah. You were a bird. Bird.

Wait a minute.

That's a good dog.

-That's a weird little parrot. -Hey.

That's a -- That's definitely a bird.

Your fingers suck. No, no.

-Dude, you need a neck. -Do an evolution.

It's because your leg is far back.

Jeweled eye.

Oh, that is just you.

-Oh! -Oh, yes, yes!

-Get it, get it! -Oh, my God.

That is so wrong.

-Guys, don't even. -Aw.

We've been organizing buses

from the Lower East Side to the Rockaways,

and, apparently, it's been flooded with volunteers.

Oh, right? They're sending people back.

-That's awesome. -Yeah, this time

next week, people won't be volunteering.

Trust me.

Um, I think it's time for a toast.

Yes, yes, thank you so much

for joining us here at the 3rd Street speakeasy.

And you guys are all our really good friends,

and we really love having you in our lives and other cheesy

and emotional things that I find very difficult to say,

-so I'd rather not say them. -Say them, say them.

We're working on it, we're working on it.

Uh, okay, so, it's time for the signature shot,

which is the "salsa back."

-Ooh. -Salsa back? Is that --

Yeah, it's exactly what you think it is.

You're gonna do one of those, and then you shoot the salsa.

-Okay. -Both of them, both of them.

Dig in. It could be totally gross.

I have no idea

how this is going to assault your face.

Okay, everybody. Cheers!

-Cheers! -Cheers!

-Whoo! -Whoo!

Rock out.

Ahh!

Door's open.

-Hey. -Hey.

Ah, so this is where it happens.

Allegedly so.

Okay. It's nice.

Nice, uh -- Nice pajamas.

Oh. Yes.

It's a look.

Uh, a choice indeed. Mm-hmm.

So, this looks like a nice, firm bed.

Yeah, I think you're gonna have

a-a nice night's sleep on this thing.

Yes, you are.

You left your napkin. Oh, right.

I should, uh, probably take a copy of that.

And there's some booze, as well.

-Oh, amazing. -Yeah, yeah.

My, uh -- My boyfriend never takes copies of stuff.

It drives me crazy, but it is very important.

-Ugh. Boyfriends. -Mm.

-Am I right? -Mm-hmm.

-Who's with me? Ladies? -Mm-hmm.

-There's no one answering. -Um, well, it -- it --

it is really important, um,

because, you know, it's like a legal document or whatever.

-But, I mean, nowadays -- -Yeah, you've got to be safe,

-you know? -Yeah.

Nowadays, you know, there's scanners everywhere,

and, obviously, you know, smartphones can take pictures

of things almost as good as a scanner, you know what I mean?

So that's why they use the -- that -- You know the thing,

like, with -- with, like, your bank app?

I don't know if your bank has one of those,

but, um, you know,

that's why those bank apps use, uh, that technology.

You take a photo of the check,

and then just deposit it that way.

-Just get it in there. -And scan in it in,

-and then it's like -- -Just fire the Internet.

Right, and I know if it's, you know, quite secure

-or whatever but like -- -I think it's pretty safe.

You really think it's safe?

It's all encrypted.

Yeah, it's -- it's, uh, pretty safe.

Oh, I would...

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you.

We'll do it again next blackout.

Hey, man. Hey.

-That V.C. dude... -Uh-huh?

-Yeah, he's not gay. -What?

Yeah, and this isn't how we do it. So...

Can we help clean?

No, don't be stupid. Come on.

Okay, call you tomorrow -- if I have service.

-Right, right. -Thanks again.

Thanks for coming.

Mina, you're quite the host.

Thank you.

We should, uh, circle back on our venture.

-Right. -Yeah. Cheers.

-Rudy. Pleasure. -Yeah.

No hug this time?

-Uh... -No, no, no, I was just joking.

Ah, we have awesome friends.

Yeah. You know who's quite a dude?

Nathan Blonket.

I guess. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, he's just, like, not what I expected.

-How so? -Well, he's -- He's straight.

Oh, yeah. I don't really know what he is.

You called him Gaythan.

I did... 'cause it rhymed so well.

Uh, that seems pretty definitive.

I mean, we were drunk so...

What made you think he was gay?

The way he's so British.

I mean, but how is that gay?

Uh, I don't know. Just the way he was like...

all over me.

Like a straight guy?

Look, I probably just said it so you wouldn't freak out.

Oh, so -- so that would be a lie.

No, not exactly.

Not -- Well, then, how exactly?

Look, in the grand scheme of things --

In the grand scheme of things.

Wow.

Did something happen?

Not -- Rudy, it's not --

And I will take that as a yes.

Okay, Rudy, look, it...

-Kind of. -Kind of. Kind of?

I mean, kind of -- "I kind of cheated on you."

-That's really -- That's -- Okay. -Okay, no, no, no. Wait.

Hold on. Something happened,

but it wasn't a big deal!

-Where are you going?! -Out.

-It's a blackout. -I'm sorry.

I don't want to sit here and listen to how you got

to third base with some British fucking bloke.

Okay, fir-- I don't even know

what of the anatomical things third base is.

I haven't used that terminology since I was like 12.

Everybody knows it's finger blasting!

First of all, he is British

and doesn't even know anything about baseball,

so he wouldn't know that!

Then what did you do, Mina?

Where are you -- We need to talk about this!

Fuck!

Mm!

Oh, my God.

Ahh!

In nine months, experts

expect a whole generation of blackout babies.

Mm. She is not my type.

I'm swiping l-l-left!

No, swipe right, always swipe right.

It's a boning app. Boners can't be choosers.

Yeah, but when I swipe left, it's like I'm rejecting women,

which is a new and satisfying feeling for me.

Whoa! What are you doing?

Your door was open.

-No, why are you here? -Sit down.

We're swiping through hot bitches.

Mr. Manhattan here to steal our power?

Look at him.

He's covered in sweat and looks like garbage.

Dude throws on his Warby Parkers,

doesn't think he needs to shower.

-I ran across the bridge. -Fuck me!

I accidentally swiped away from the woman of my dreams.

Do you have beer?

Wow.

This hurricane makes ladies horny!

Check it out. Full-on "cleave" shot.

Yeah, well, natural disasters make the girls wet.

The subways are the vital arteries

that keep Manhattan alive.

Okay, what's wrong with you.

My shit is fucked.

Okay, can you be more specific, please?

Mina.

Did she do something?

You know, the broom closet you used to call home is still open.

Yeah, we just use it as porn and bike storage now.

I mean, still a futon in it.

Why don't you watch porn on computers like normal people?

Because the "gubment" ain't ready for what I'm watching.

Listen. Fuck it.

You know, just have some Cheetos, have another beer.

Everything will look better in the morning.

I think she fucked another dude.

Bitches, man. Bitches.

Bitches, man. Bitches.

Stop. No. Can we not have this moment?

Cunts?

Rudy? Rudy?

* Anger

* Anger

* A-a-a-nge-e-e-er

* Anger

-Louise, don't put that in -- -Oh, my God.

Alex, stop it! Alejandra, no!

-I don't have any more Wipees! -That's not chocolate!

-That's dog shit! -Oh, my God!

-Fine, fine. -Dog shit.

Stop touching it. Get away, get away.

Yeah, it's chocolate. It's chocolate.

Excuse me. Uh, have you seen Rudy?

Do I look like an answering machine?

No, you don't. I just thought you might --

Good because you can't just leave a message.

And then who leaves a message?

And then this -- this is a place of business.

I'm not an answering machine.

Oh, I didn't think you were.

I was just -- Okay, good.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Okay.

Thank you. Bye.

Have a nice day.

Hey, I can't find my brother anywhere.

Oh, hey, hi. I'm not an answering machine.

Guys ever took, like, a shot of sake

and then you drop into, like, a lowball

of really expensive brandy

and then you shoot it and you chase it with some beer?

Ah. Let the day drinking begin.

Hey, you guys go in. I'm gonna... hang out.

Why? What's going on?

No, don't worry about it. It's fine.

You're being weird.

Oh, God. Are you meeting her here?

No, I'm not.

You're definitely meeting her here.

No, I'm definitely not meeting her here.

You are meeting her here! No, I'm not!

You're meeting her here and it's --

Hey. Are you Rudy?

Yeah. Are you Chuck?

-Yeah. -I'm meeting Chuck here, okay?

Who the f-- Who's Chuck?

Just, uh, deliver that to her, I guess.

Address is on the... front.

And, um, here's the payment, I guess.

Okay, and, hey, Chuck?

You just make sure that she knows she's now a character

in "The Notebook," okay?

Yeah, an Iranian Rachel McAdams.

Don't listen to them. Thanks, man.

Appreciate it.

Okay, byeee.

You, drinks, now. Come on.

30 bucks to deliver a letter?

I'm in the wrong fuckin' business.

You're not in any business.

Come in.

-Uh, hello? -Come in.

-What's wrong? -I'm fine.

You do not look fine.

I'm fine.

No, you, like, do Pilates and stuff.

-What is happening? -I ran out of insulin.

I was supposed to get a new supply

when the hurricane hit.

It's probably not a big deal.

Okay, I've watched enough episodes of,

like, television to know that that is a big deal.

-What happened to your head? -What?

You normally look so put together

when I see you in the mornings.

Okay, um have you seen Rudy?

Why would I have seen him?

Because you guys are, like, bros or something?

-Is he missing? -Uh --

Is this a jilted-lover thing?

I don't -- It -- Would it --

It's -- Maybe.

Susan, we're getting off topic.

You're like my healthful, uh, exercising neighbor.

-That's me. -So here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna give me your prescription,

and I'm gonna take care of it.

My pharmacy and doctor are in the blackout zone.

No big deal. We're gonna just have you, uh,

just write down what you normally get.

The -- the blackout zone

ends at, like, 40th Street or something.

I'll -- I'll take it up there and get it filled.

Yes, sir.

You -- you watch "Battlestar Galactica"?

No.

They call women sir on "Battlestar Galactica."

I'll note that for the record.

Fantastic. Thanks.

I'll, uh -- I'll be back.

* I saw the rocks, I saw the sea *

* I swam with you, you swam with me, me *

Who is it?

I got a note from a white-ass pale dude named Rudy.

* I need a rock

Here.

-Where did you see him? -By a bar.

-Which bar? -I don't know.

Okay.

I see how this -- Okay.

Will this get me the name of the bar?

The Rock Shop.

-Did he look okay? -What -- What do you mean?

Did he look okay? Did he -- Did he look sad?

Sad? Nah.

He didn't look sad?

I-I don't know. M-Maybe.

-Yo, can I go now? -Wait.

Did he look emotionally present when he was talking to you?

Yo, lady, I don't know,

and I have to go now.

Just hold your face.

Hold on.

Okay, hold on.

Just always something.

Okay.

-What's your name? -Chuck.

All right, Chuck.

I want you to take this back to him.

Yo, I can't be running around town

-delivering all your shit, man. -Okay, hold on.

Here.

All right.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Oh. And, um,

can you tell him that I love him?

Yo, that's above the call of duty.

Just do it! The customer is always right!

* I heard that you heard that she's moving out *

* I heard that you heard that she's moving out *

* I want my toe on your tonsils *

* And my hair in your jeans

* And I don't care if it's true *

* Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, whoop *

* Johnny, whoop, Johnny

Tell her to keep it under wraps, all right?

I'm an orthopedic surgeon.

I'm not really supposed to do stuff like this.

Okay, calm your balls.

I'm sure there's nothing in the Hippocratic Oath

about blackouts.

Charge your phones, people. Charge your phones here.

Oh, shit. You know what?

Now that I'm here, let me just charge my cellphone real quick.

-Okay, sure. -$5 to charge your phone.

There. $5, 5 minutes.

Five do-- Do you hear this?

This guy is charging $5 for electricity.

Smart man.

Smart man?

Uh, we just had a hurricane.

It's like a blackout. People lost their homes,

and this guy is charging for electricity?

-Unh-unh. -Calm down.

It's not a big deal. Let's just go.

I'm calm. I just --

Let me just -- I'm gonna -- I'm gonna just work this out.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, I cannot stand here

as a concerned citizen of New York City

and watch you take advantage of the fine people of New York.

Ma'am, that'll be $5 if you want to charge your phone.

Okay, Mina. Let's go.

Hold on, hold on. Did everybody hear this?

Hold on. Did you --

Okay, first of all, um,

you can't call someone ma'am until they're like 75.

-Really? -Okay.

-She was just -- -Second of all, these people,

they are trying to reach their loved ones.

-All right. -Okay, I-I'm sorry for her.

Third of all, have you ever been in love, sir?

Wait. What?

Look, you want to make your little speech, you can,

but it's still gonna be $5 to charge your phone.

No, seriously, have you ever been in love, sir?

Mina, let's go.

There was this woman I met on the Metro-North, Feliz.

Because you clearly don't know

what it's like to feel deeply for someone.

She used to eat everything bagels

with nothing on them, just plain everything bagels.

If you j-- You want to reach out to them, but you can't.

So I guess it's, you know,

an oxymoron, a plain everything bagel.

But it got pretty crazy pretty quick.

And you're sick with worry, and you don't --

you don't know where they are.

I'd find myself taking trains that I wasn't taking

just to be on the same train with her.

And you just want to get ahold of them.

If I could just bring her back to me.

And you just want them to come back to you.

Uh, thank you. Thank you for this,

whatever this is. Okay, let's go.

No, the stomach feels good on my face.

Mina, uh, it's getting weird, okay?

So let's -- let's just go ahead and go.

All right, then.

Fuck! Susan!

What? What's the matter?

-Hyah! -Aah! Just stop!

What's the matter, though? What's the matter?

-Just hit me already. -No, 'cause the threat of the --

The threat of being hit is just so much funnier

and so much scarier than actually being punched.

'Cause when is it, when is it, when is it?

When is it, when is it, when is it? When is it?

When is it gonna happen? Maybe never.

Maybe now.

-Maybe never. -Ah!

Hey, Chuck, are you outside?

-Ow!

Stop. Sorry.

Just come in. We're by the door.

-What's wrong with you? -Who was that?

-Chuck. -Oh, "Chuckles."

-Chuckles. -Hey. Here you go.

Thanks, man.

-"I love you." -What kind of racket

you got going here, man?

Ain't no racket.

I operate with a sound business model.

Why don't you take your sound business model

to "Shark Tank"?

Mm. Yo, but, seriously, can I get in on this?

'Cause I need some cash.

Here you go.

Oh. Also, I love you.

-What?

No, no, no.

S-She told me to say "I love you" from her.

-She did? -Did she now?

-Um, yeah. -Okay, well, no, I just --

I just didn't get that feeling from that delivery.

-What? -Just leave him alone.

Did you get the feeling from that delivery, Ari?

-I need to hire it again. -Ah.

-I love you. -You love who?

You. I love you.

Oh, God. Just like Uta Hagen said,

"Let the words flow in through your dick

and out your mouth

in a beautiful rainbow vomit," and...

Mm.

I love you.

Mm. I believe it.

Mm! Golden Globe nomination.

You may not win, but it's an honor.

You guys are assholes.

Well, at least we're not writing messages

in a bottle to our exes.

-Whoa, whoa. She's not my ex. -Oh.

Yo, look, I'm guys are working through all your emotions

and stuff like that, but I need my money.

-You earned it. -Here.

-Chop, chop. -See you later, Meryl Streep.

It's Richard Blackson on a scooter over here.

-Oh, black Richard Branson. -That's what I meant.

Go the space capsule!

And be black when you do it.

How do you feel?

I'm hopped up on insulin. Went right to my crotch.

Okay.

So, how long you been living here?

30 years.

I still rent. You own?

I mean, my parents technically own,

but, uh, yeah.

All the young kids own.

So, did you win this, uh,

doing ballroom dancing?

Yeah, I got a bunch of trophies, just like your boy.

Oh, he doesn't win trophies.

He just won a hackathon.

You can win a hackathon?

You didn't see his giant trophy?

He and his drunk buddies dropped it by.

No.

He didn't come back.

Were you ever married?

I did have...

Well, it doesn't matter now.

Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh, no, no, he's not dead. He lives across the street.

That also sounds like death.

-Would I know him?

His name is Hayward,

but you probably know him as The Chillmaster.

Shut up!

You and The Chillmaster?!

Yeah.

He also went right to my crotch.

Oh, my gosh.

Stop saying crotch.

Well, are you guys on good terms or...?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm old now. Who cares?

-Monogamy's a sham. -A sham? Really?

Well, now I have a boyfriend for each hobby --

a ballroom-dancing boyfriend,

a Pilates boyfriend, a scrapbooking boyfriend.

That one might be gay.

-Bi -- He's bi. -Got it.

Point is, you can't get everything

you want from just one man.

I'm really confused by your advice, Susan.

You'll figure it out. Pour us some wine.

Why do you have so many boxes?

And why are they boxes?

I have been hosting a ladies' garden night for 20 years.

I doubt they'll be here tomorrow.

-Pour us some. -By the way,

should you have wine so soon after an insulin shot?

Just push the button on the spout.

Got it.

* Opening scene

* You and me Hand in hand

* cross parking lot...

I'll get it.

Come in.

* Stomping feet, Swords for teeth *

Susan, this is Chuck.

Chuck, this is Susan.

Chuck has been shuttling notes from Rudy.

What's up?

Professional information specialist.

You need any messages delivered, I will specially deliver them.

That's cute.

All right. Do you have any special messages to deliver?

Here you go.

Fuck!

You gonna scream? She screamed last time.

I bet she did.

All right, come on. Out with it now.

Shut up. Shut up.

Well, she's screaming inside. Can you hear?

-I can still hear. "Aah!" -Yeah, I know.

Okay. Here you go.

"Love, Mina." That's a nice touch.

'Cause I want to tell you this right now.

It doesn't go so well when you have me say the love stuff.

You had him say the love stuff?

Shut up. Shut up.

Can you just take it to Brooklyn, please?

I can.

All right.

Here.

You're missing half the payment?

The ATMs are blacked out.

There's no electricity. What do you want me to do?

It's not my problem.

Susan, do you have something?

Here. Earmuffs?

No, there are no resale value in earmuffs.

And what is this?

It's like a fat spiritual guide.

It's a Buddha. Take it. It's a good one.

All right. It'll do.

Great. Thank you.

I'm sure you have other customers to extort,

so I'll see you out.

Oh, hey. If this stuff

don't work out with you and Rudy,

I'm unspoken for, so, uh, holler anytime.

-You're like 12.

I'm 15, and I think I could show a woman a good time.

All right. Duly noted.

Hey, while you're duly noting,

note that I have a passion for good lovin'.

What am I, chopped liver?

Hey, we here at Chuck's Couriers Limited LLC Incorporation

do not believe in age discrimination.

All right. Thank you very much.

Uh, I've also read half of "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Get out of here.

Okay. Thank you, Chuck.

Very professional.

Kind of short for you, isn't he?

Okay. All right.

Enough out of you.

-Okay. -Some wine.

-Get us some wine. -I'll be okay.

Cheers.

But we're not getting a dog,

because people only get dogs

when they can't relate to humans.

No, people get dogs, "Dubs," to be more human.

Okay, well, I am bitch enough for one house.

Guys, I once dog-sat a wheelchair dog.

I got like four phone numbers that day.

I got the next round.

No, we don't need... more shots.

Two more.

You know, if you take a shot of vodka to the eyeball,

it gets you drunker that much quicker.

Yeah? Two words --

Jager suppository.

Hey, I want three of those -- what are those, uh --

shots and then three Hebrews, too, please. Thanks.

Three Hebrews and three shots. Yeah.

What type of -- Whatever. It's fine.

Excuse me. I said excuse me.

Hi. Cool.

I just -- I got to ask.

You guys together?

Yeah.

Okay, I just need to see some proof

that this is a monogamous relationship.

Dude, what's your deal?

Just give me, like, a Facebook status or,

like, maybe you -- you e-mailed her parents.

-Just hit me straight. -No.

Is this a monogamous relationship?

-Yes. -What is his birthday?

-Hey, your friend is drunk. -Oh.

-Uh, yep. Sorry. -Uh, answer his question.

-December 23rd. -Aha! I call hesitation!

-There was no hesitation. -Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Guys, no. We're good, we're good.

But you got to be vigilant to her.

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

-You've got to be vigilant. -Come on.

She'll never change her curtains.

She won't do it.

This whole neighborhood's getting weird.

We need to talk.

Fuck!

Hello?

Come in!

Is there power?

Nope. Let's go.

Where are we going?

We're finding Rudy.

I don't know where he is.

What did Chuck tell you?

He told me that he was at some bar in Brooklyn.

Well, that's a start.

Except for he doesn't want to see me, Susan.

-Not when you look like that. -Thank you, Susan.

That makes me feel real great.

Then stop whining and fight for you beau, Mina.

What do you want me to do? Do you want me to,

like, put on a trench coat

and carry a stereo over my head?

What would the stereo be playing?

No, it's from the movie.

-Haven't seen it. -Oh, my God.

Put on some human clothes.

We're going to Brooklyn.

-Ugh. -Come on.

-My pits smell. -Yes, they do, dear. Come on.

-Yo. -Yo!

Omelette? Obviously.

-I'm up, I'm up, I'm up. -Mornin', sunshine. Eggs?

Yeah, four of them,

one for each of the ovaries that I visited last night.

That sounds painful.

It was for them 'cause of my fist.

Ugh! Jesus!

How hard is it to recycle?

-Not me. -Wasn't me.

-Who's Nathan Blanket? -Blonket.

It's -- It's actually me.

It's the V.C. dude Mina hooked up with.

Wait. You...

You met the Gaythan,

and you haven't confronted him?

-'Course he didn't. -What does that mean?

Well, you're an opportunity squanderer.

-No, I'm not.

Okay, name an opportunity that I squandered.

Uh, you just exited the company that's gonna make us rich.

That's different.

Okay, whatever. I would confront him.

You would? Or you will?

-I will confront him. -When?

-When? -I don't -- I don't know.

-What? You don't know what? -Uh, yeah, I don't --

I know his office address. I don't know where he l-lives.

It's a hurricane. I don't --

Dude, you have his card in your hand.

You can't figure out his address?

I'm sorry. Hacker credibility lost.

-Not a hacker. -Not a hacker.

-Not a hacker. -Not a hacker.

-Not a hacker. -Never will me a hacker.

Mm. Not a hacker.

What is this, lotus pose?

-Tree pose. -Tree pose.

-Not a hacker. -Not a hacker.

He wasn't in there.

-Did you try calling? -Yeah, I tried calling.

-Did he pick up? -No, he didn't pick up.

You don't know the address of his friends?

I-I don't remember.

It was like somewhere in Brooklyn on,

like, one of these streets

with the brownstones

and the pickle shops and the ladies

with the strollers and the dudes

with their handlebar mustaches and suspenders.

I don't know what era we're in anymore.

And beards! So many beards!

How many beards does one borough need?!

All right! Pull it together.

Someone needs some munching on that cooch.

Okay, Susan.

Let's just go.

No, wait.

How well can you draw?

Ah!

Whoo!

Ah!

Oh, oh!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, I'll keep my eye out.

Oh, thank you. That's really sweet.

So, he has black hair?

Uh, n-no, he actually has strawberry-blond hair.

I only had a black pen.

Right.

He has sad eyes.

Uh, in the poster, he might have sad eyes.

Um, but in real life, he has very neutral eyes.

That's so sad.

Okay.

-Why'd you lose him? -I didn't lose him.

He's just --

He's just finding himself.

My brother ran away when he was 12.

He thought our parents didn't love him.

Okay, well, thank you so much

for this delightful conversation.

-You're probably very busy. -Not really.

Oh, well, I'm very busy, so I'm just gonna walk away

and d-do the things that I have in life.

Right, if I see your sad-eyed man,

I'll make sure to call the police.

No, don't call the -- This is like a gest--

It's a sym-- Thank you.

No one's ever run away from me before.

Well, you probably have magically

perfect relationships 'cause

of the f-- what you are like and that fuckin' cute dog.

Well, I don't think it's a race thing.

Oh, my God!

No, no. All right. Calm down.

This is stupid.

You got to fight for your beau.

-Yeah, I am. -You got to try everything.

Yeah, I feel like this poster is everything.

What, do you want me to lop of one of my tits

and send it to him Van Gogh-style?

No. Now, come on.

Just scream his name.

I'm not gonna scream his name.

-Rudy! -This is dumb, st--

-Rudy! -Susan.

-Rudy! Rudy! -Susan.

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

No, they're ch-- They're chanting the --

This is not --

They are screaming from the movie,

from the 1993 movie starring Sean Astin.

That is not what we are s-- chanting.

That's not what we're chanting. We're chanting something --

This is a completely different situ--

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

Rudy! Rudy!

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

God! You guys tapped out so fast!

Now let's begin to type some

words.

* Yo, when I hit it I hit "L" shift-"O" to the quote *

* and then dollar If you know the "dir" *

* of the nerdcore rhyme, you holler *

* Nerd ho!

* Warm the mike up

* Yo, we 'bout to strike up

* This band of nebbishes

* who cultivate nebulous fetishes *

* The FPS, RPG, or MMPOG

* Any obsessions to blather over by blog *

Ah, wait.

I feel like we should walk up the stairs together in unison.

Or, uh, we go up there, and then we part

to reveal Rudy once the dude opens the door.

No, we are not wide enough people

-to pull off that effect. -I can puff out!

-Guys, guys! -Just stop!

-Guys, I'm just gonna go ahead. -Smart move.

That's wise. I'm speechless.

* I hit "L" shift-O to the quote *

* and then dollar If you know the "dir" *

* of the nerdcore rhyme, you holler *

-Wait. Hold on. -What?

-Just... just hold on. -Why?

I have to be prepared for anything to happen.

You're just gonna stand there.

Okay, okay. I'm ready.

-I'm always ready. -Shut the fuck up.

Hello.

Uh, hel-- hello.

This is, uh, a surprise.

-Hello. -We're fine.

Uh, Rudy, how did you get my address?

-I'm a hacker. -He's a hacker!

So you are. Well, uh,

this is unexpected, but, uh, I'm glad you dropped by.

-No, no, don't be glad. -Don't be glad, motherfucker!

Did you fuck my girlfriend?

Oh, Christ.

Did you fuck my girlfriend?

No, I did not fuck your girlfriend.

Wait. What?

Now, boys, I don't have time for this.

Eh, did I try to sleep with her? Sure.

Was I planning to her over

and roger her? Obviously.

But I do that all the time.

I wasn't loved enough as a child.

It's... a curse.

Okay, then what happened?

You know, we kissed for a second.

I mean, I've kissed siblings for longer.

Aw. I -- That is weird.

Mm. Those are secrets.

Look, do you want to make an app or not?

Wait. Who -- Who stopped it?

She did. Aw, women.

They're irrational. Especially yours.

Oh, I'm sorry. My -- My woman's irrational?

-Yeah. -What about me?

I made you flinch. Made you flinch again.

Aw! You're a flinchin' motherfucker.

Are we done here? No.

Ow!

-You punched my earlobe! -Yeah!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!

Who does that?

Worldstar, motherfucker! Worldstar!

I admire your passion, though!

We'll talk.

I don't know if it's, you know, quite secure

-or whatever but like -- -I think it's pretty safe.

You really think it's safe?

-It's all encrypted. -Yeah, it's --

it's, uh, pretty safe.

Oh, I would...

Um...

-I, uh... -What's wrong?

-I should probably go. -What's wrong?

Um... I have an early...

You know how everything's so early?

-Things are early. -Yeah.

And, um, it's, uh --

-It's hard to w-wake up. -Okay.

But thank you, though, for this delightful night.

Hey. Tuesday.

Um... ooh!

-Yes! -Yeah.

Tue-- We're for sure, yeah.

We're gonna do some neuroscience, and,

um, we're gonna be a really big,

uh, deal with the neuroscience.

Deal.

But thank you. And we're g--

And I hope you have a good night's sleep

on your slightly firm, uh, bed.

And, uh, you -- you did great.

Everything -- You're great.

Oh, he was like --

Holy fuck balls, dude.

I-I think you s-- resealed his earring hole.

Probably wanted to get an African earlobe stretcher,

but now he cannot because you punched it too hard.

Well, hey, to assholes everywhere.

May their earlobes be punched into submission.

Yep. Mm.

Wait, wait, wait. And... to Index.

Uh, what? Are we gonna toast an exercise?

Yeah, I'm so lazy I almost forgot.

-Mm. -Shut up, guys.

Fine. I-I'm an opportunity squanderer.

Now I'm an opportunity... seizer.

An opportunity Caesar?

-Is that Greek? -Okay, fine.

You're back in, but, uh, 10% less equity.

Shut up. 5%.

Fine. 5%. Look who's dick is growing.

Actually, I think I can hear it.

All right.

While you guys listen to the sweet sounds of my dick,

I'm gonna go to Manhattan and get my laptop

so we can work. See you guys.

-See you.

I will conquer the universe!

-Big dick! -It's so big.

Fuck him.

Come in.

Hey, Susan. What you doing?

-Oh, just being old, you know? -Oh, yeah.

So, what's the deal with card night?

Canceled.

Mm. That's a shame because I have a bunch of cards

with a hankering for cards.

I got people out here

is what I'm trying to say.

Uh, you know Rita, the doorman.

-Door-woman. -Door-woman.

And Hassan from the bodega.

And, uh, I think you know The Chillmaster.

It's been a minute, Susan.

You're as ugly as I remember.

I'll work at it.

Well, I got a crapload of wine,

and you've got easy commutes home.

Okay, dealer. Let's play cards.

* Don't bother lookin' for a chair *

Mina?

* Just throw your coat down anywhere *

Hello?

Wait, wait, wait.

Have you seen that wireless network name?

-What wireless network? -Um, Hot Chubs?

-Yes. -Whoa.

Well, who do you think Hot Chubs is?

I think it's Mick, the guy who wears suspenders.

Uh, or it could be Mrs. Gardovski

-on the second floor. -Oh.

-Is she one with the saggy -- -"Saggy Tits" Gardovski.

We don't need to sweep the second floor

'cause her boobs do all the work.

-Now, that was good. -That is excellent.

Yeah, that was a good -- That was a good one.

Okay, or, uh, what about her boobs

are so low to the ground

that they are tapped in to geothermal energy?

Okay, that's -- We're gonna have some more wine,

and then we're gonna loosen up to jokes, like,

of the scientific nature.

* And I'm about to burn alive

* You still won't look me in the eye *

* I'll turn the light out

* if you want If you feel safer in the dark *

Guys, guys. I have it. Oh!

-Gin rummy, bitches! -Aw!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! -I was just about to --

Eat it, guys. Yeah!

-Oh, yay. -Eat it.

Mina, you're like a really aggressive player.

-Okay. -Hold on.

You only got six cards, sister.

In that case... gin rummy!

I really felt like I had it.

But you didn't.

* But I'm leaving here a thief If I can only find the door *

* I'll go tonight

-All right, cheers, guys. -Let's go again.

Cheers to the -- Cheers To the winner.

* That you'd let me come inside *

All right, guys.

We should probably let Susan have her place back.

Oh.

You're a shark, Susan, but I had a great time.

Well, come again.

Your next flashlight is on me.

Thanks, Hassan.

And, you know, we're all neighbors,

so we should all continue knowing each other

or something -- maybe next time with more electricity.

You're right, Mina. You're right.

Thank you. Oh, thank you for coming.

Good night. Bye-bye.

See you tomorrow. Good night, Chillmaster.

Night.

Uh, The Chillmaster's looking a little chilled out in there.

I-I can't.

I'm too old to...

I don't know what I'm doing.

Just fight for your beau, Susan.

Chillmaster, Chillmaster, Chillmaster.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

You look beautiful.

See you later.

Hi.

You still got the funk.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You're here.

You -- You scared me.

Sorry, I just came to get my laptop.

I can go if --

No, no, no, no, don't go, don't go.

What is all this? Listen, doesn't matter.

Um, I shouldn't have just... left like that.

No, wait. Okay, uh,

I wasn't expecting to do this now,

but let's do it.

Um, please take a seat.

Uh, hold this flashlight.

Um, and just give me a second.

And I'm gonna just...

Um...

Okay.

Hello.

Thank you for joining me here today.

You seem like an attractive audience.

You're supposed to make a connection

with the audience at the top.

Uh, in my field, I study brain function.

I look at neurons like these.

These are the neurons we think are responsible

for emotional empathy and reception.

Um, as you can see,

in me, they've been atrophied.

Red X's.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out

how to revive these cells

in humans using sophisticated viruses

that carry targeted optogenetics.

But in my new case study

of "The Mina Shamkali Case Study:

A Case Study of Mina Shamkali

by Mina Shamkali,"

with a sample size of just one Mina Shamkali.

'Cause sample size is really important in science.

Among my findings

was that taking my loved ones

for granted actually led

to the degeneration of these cells,

but I don't need neuron activators

to revive them.

Um, I just need to pay more attention

to the people around me.

And so that was my conclusion.

Why are you doing this?

I'm sorry.

I love you, and I didn't sleep with him.

I know.

Okay.

Good.

So, no harm, no foul?

No, foul. I fouled.

Look, I get it. He's rich and smart

and handsome and successful and --

No, I don't want you to get it.

I don't want you --

You found it.

I did.

But is this what you think I look like?

I gave you a Mohawk.

It's sort of a "faux hawk," if we're being honest.

* Here in the house that we live in *

* Here on the streets we grew up on *

* Here in the heart that I've given *

* For you to use as a weapon *

* And this is what they call friendly fire *

* We built our foundation

* Out of paper and glue

* So all this destruction

* Is destroying you, too

* And this is

* what they call friendly fire *

* And this is what they call friendly fire *

* And this is what they call friendly fire *

* Here in the house that we live in *

* Here on the streets we grew up on *

* Here in the heart that I've given *

* For you to use as a weapon

* And this is what they call friendly fire *

* Friendly fire

* Don't bother looking for a chair *

* Just throw your coat down anywhere *

* I'm sorry I'm so poorly dressed *

* I gave up hoping for a guest *

* Whoa, whoa

* You say you've got a weight to bear *

* A cross you carry everywhere *

* I say, "I know, and it ain't fair" *

* I tell you you can leave that here *

* Whoa, whoa

* Whoa, whoa,

* Whoa, whoa

* Whoa, whoa

* I came to you an orphan *

* but I'm leaving here a thief *

* If I can only find the door, I'll go tonight *

* My life, my identity, lay them at your feet *

* In just the hope that you'd let me come inside *

* Till the morning

* Till the morning

* Till the morning

* Till the morning

* Till the morning

* Till the morning

* Till the morning

* Till the morning