Original subtitles

(TH EME MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I wondered if you were going to turn up.

Sorry, Tommy. You know what I'm like with time.

It's always half-past my left freckle.

What's all this?

I just wanted to get a few extra bits and pieces.

I thought if we had some funny props then it might inspire us,

you know, like we used to back in the day.

Novelty items and what not.

This was such a bad idea.

It's just, I had to get rid of a lot of the old props.

I kept them for years all boxed up in my mother's back bedroom but then,

she passed and I had to chuck them all in an old skip.

Eh, that could be a bit, couldn't it?

What do people do with their old skips? Where do they dump them?

Sorry.

Sorry, I'm babbling.

It's good to see you, Tommy.

People call me Thomas now.

I haven't been Tommy for 30 years.

Oh, you look well.

What do we do? Do we hug, shake hands, rub noses...

Let's just get on with it, shall we?

I haven't got long.

Okay-

What do you wanna do first?

Shall we try the interview sketch,

ease ourselves in gently as the bishop said to the choirboy.

If you wish, yes.

I hope I remember it all. I think I have it.

I listen to the albums from time to time.

I still have VHS's of all the telly stuff but I can't play them.

Hey, did you ever hear anything back from those lads

who wanted to bring out a DVD?

No. Are you ready?

One sec.

And no looking out at the audience.

- What do you mean? - You know what I mean,

you always used to do it.

- Mugging to the front row. - No, I never!

You did. Especially if I had a funny line.

You'd look out and take it as if you'd earned the laugh.

- Don't. Pisses me off. - I don't think I do that.

Well, next time you do it, I'll click my fingers and you'll see,

-all right? - Okay, fine.

- Good to see you too. - Start.

(MIMICS KNOCKING)

(SNICKERS)

Sorry.

Come in!

(DOOR CREAKING)

Hello, I'm here for the interview.

Ah, yes, would you like to take a seat?

No, you're all right. I've got some at home.

No, no. I mean, would you like to sit down?

Oh, yes, thank you.

(SIGHS)

So you found us all right?

Yes, your map was extremely comprehensive.

Like your education I see.

(SNICKERS)

All right, you don't have to do it every time.

I do. My laugh.

So, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr Kirk.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Ah, Mister Kirk!

- Is tha' a wee Scots name, jimmy? - No, I don't think so.

As a matter of fact my father was born in Ireland.

(IRISH ACCENT) Ah, the Emerald Isle, begorrah?

Leprechauns and Guinness, to be sure, to be sure.

- So, the company's based in Leeds-- -(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Nay, lad!

- Eeh by gum and 'ecky thump! - Working closely with...

Harry Ramsdens!

Best chips in th'whole of Yorkshire.

The Sony Corporation...

(CHINESE ACCENT) Ah, so, number one son!

Exporting to India...

(INDIAN ACCENT) Cor blimey Mister, ten thousand apologies!

- Via Buckingham... -(POSH VOICE) Oh, I say,

-how terribly, terribly poche! - We have an office in Moscow.

-(RUSSIAN ACCENT) More vodka comrade! - A branch in London.

-(COCKNEY ACCENT) Lovelyjubbly! - And we're expanding into Madagascar!

- Really? How interesting. - Look, would you concentrate please?

I'm looking for a serious candidate to fill this position.

- Well, I did go to university. - Really? Where did you study?

- Cambridge. - When can you start?

(SNICKERS)

Ah, boom! It's a belter that! Still works doesn't it?

You won't be able to do any of that ending.

What do you mean?

Can't do Chinese and Asian voices any more.

Why?

Because Len, it is what is known as racist.

Oh, give over! That's the joke.

What's the joke?

What are you inviting people to laugh at exactly?

Just a man doing all daft voices.

- We did it in our first series. - We only had one series, remember?

Yeah, but still, it's been on telly. Nobody complained.

Well, things have changed. That was then.

PM fight, what about Goodness Gracious Me?

They were all Asian, Len.

It's like Jackie Mason telling jewjokes,

or Richard Pryor doing black material.

You're only allowed to take the piss out of your own tribe.

Er, I don't think you should be calling them a tribe, Tommy,

that is racialist.

Look, we can't do this sketch, all right?

So, can we not do Ching-Chong Chinaman?

No.

In fact, I don't think we should be doing this at all.

- I've made a mistake, I'm going. - Oh, no, Tommy, please don't go!

I haven't seen you in 30 years.

Let's at least give it a chance.

# If you're going to cry

# Cry tears of laughter

# A smile takes much less effort than a frown #

Eh, Tommy, I've just finished myjigsaw!

(AS TOMMY) Oh, was it difficult?

(AS LEN) Well it said "3-5 years" on the box.

Only took me 6 months!

You know I live in France now?

Yeah, our Leanne said she'd read a piece about you in the Standard.

You do computers, don't you?

Digital marketing.

Got my own company, Angry Tomato.

Fifteen offices worldwide. 100 people working under me.

Oh, does it not tickle?

I've moved on, Len.

All this Cheese and Crackers stuff...

You know, I employ someone to take down all those YouTube clips?

- No! - Course I do.

I can't afford to go into a meeting with HSBC and someone's found me

as Tina Turner with tights on my head and ping-pong balls for eyes.

Hey, it's good publicity that YouTube, you know?

My nephews were showing me, you can get everything on it.

I know you can, Len. And it's an embarrassment to me.

I see.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Is there any peppermint?

Er...

Forget it, I'lljust have Builder's.

Your Leanne's grown up into a lovely young girl.

Oh, hasn't she? A right bobby dazzler.

When she wrote to me and asked me about doing this gig I was...

Well, you won't be surprised to learn I was unenthusiastic to say the least.

I know, Tommy. Sorry... Thomas.

Remember that Morecambe and Wise interview when they were asked,

"What would you have been if you hadn't been comedians?"

And Eric said, "Mike and Bernie Winters."

Yeah, funny line.

Well we weren't even Mike and Bernie Winters.

- We weren't that good. - No, I'm not having that, Tommy!

It's true. We came up in the mid 80s, arse end of variety...

Got lucky with one series on Anglia Television...

It was more than that! What about all the live stuff?

Ten nights at Leeds City Varieties.

Top of the bill with Mick Miller, Bobby Knutt and the Grumbleweeds.

- You can't get better than that! - It's hardly the Rat Pack is it, Len?

So, why have you come then?

How could I not?

Plus you still owe me 25 quid.

What for?

Bernie Clifton's dressing room.

(scoFFS)

(CHOKING)

Well, there you go. You've just proved you don't need me.

- You're funny on your own. - Course I need you.

You can't have Crackers without the Cheese!

That's another thing. I hate that stupid name, I always did.

But someone had already registered Cheese and Onion, I told you!

Why did it have to be cheese and anything?

It's so babyish. And it's not funny.

- Well, I think it's funny. - It's too generic.

First rule of comedy, be specific.

You never say 'biscuit,' you say 'Garibaldi'.

- All right, Ted Bovis! - If we do this... If...

I want us to use our real names.

- But then no-one'll know who we are! - Correct.

All right, fine.

I'll tell our Leanne to have us billed as Shelby and Drake,

if that's what you want?

Why Shelby and Drake? Why not Drake and Shelby?

I dunno, it just sounds better. It's the music of it.

- Drake and Shelby goes down. - What?

Shelby and Drake, dah-dah-dah-dah!

Drake and Shelby, duh-duh-duh-duh. You see, it goes down.

Only if you do it like that. You could do Drake and Shelby!

- Dah-dah-dah-dah! - All right, fine.

It's not a bother, either way works.

I'm just glad we're doing it again.

Though I will have to tell that researcher on Britain'? Got Talent',

-cos if we change the name... - What?

Oh, it's nothing, I just put in an application form.

- For Britain's Got Talent? - Yea h.

It's all back now you know, variety. Massive viewing figures.

I can't believe. On what planet do you think I would humiliate myself

b . Y aplbearmg ('an that prggramme? VVlth you?

Well I don't remember you being so fussy when Blankety Blank came knocking.

I told you, they wouldn't have us both on.

Oh, really?

I tried but they went with Lorraine Chase.

I'd have killed in that bottom middle seat.

That was the place to be.

All the great clowns sat there. Everett, Starr, Doddy.

That is not the point.

I agreed to come back to do one last gig, to an invited audience.

And I only said yes because your daughter wrote and told me that...

What?

Things haven't been great for you the last few years.

But what do you mean? What did she tell you?

Never mind.

No, go on. I want to know what she said.

Cheese and Crackers are not doing Britain's Got Talent.

okay-

But Drake and Shelby might, yeah? Let's rehearse the vent sketch.

You haven't gone, have ya?

No.

I'm still here.

I won't be able to lift you out, I've got this hiatus hernia.

Oh, sure, my knees are gone anyway.

Argh! We'll figure it out.

Right.

So, boys and girls, this is Vincent.

- Say hello, Vincent. - Hello, Vincent.

What are your first impressions?

Sorry, I don't do impressions. Eh!

No, no, I mean, er, what do you hope to get out of this school?

All the TVs and video recorders.

I thought there Tommy we could update it and say computers instead.

Yeah, whatever. Okay, Vincent, so we'll give you a quick test.

- How's your grammar? - She's very well thank you. How's yours?

No, no. I mean your English grammar. Where would you put a colon?

UP Y0ur bum!

- What? - Nothing, carry on.

So, let's move onto maths. If a farmer has 12 cows and 18 chickens

and he loses half of them, what has he got?

Foot and mouth disease.

History. Where was the Magna Carta signed?

At the bottom!

- Geography. Where are the Andes? - At the end of your armies!

Jesus Christ, we can't do this, Len.

- No, no, carry on. - I can't. I can't bear it.

What's wrong? Do you think punk rockers might be dated now?

Of course they are! They were dated in 1984!

This played to silence on Crackerjack, if you remember.

Janette Krankie wouldn't look us in the eye.

- Well, that's cos she's only four foot. - No, it's because it's poor.

We need better material. We needed it then,

-we certainly need it now. -just do the last bit, the drink bit.

(GARGLING)

Ha-ha! You see? It's a cracking ending Tommy.

Though we'll have to make sure the front row is close.

I want to get them all with that spit-take.

- Oh, yeah, that's a cheap laugh, Len. - Oh, come on!

- A laugh's a laugh, however you earn it! - Yeah, for you maybe.

You know what your problem is?

You've lost your sparkle.

Yeah.

You've got no joy in you any more.

You're like a shark, you've got dead black eyes.

All this corporate stuff you've been doing at Angry Pineapple,

-it's sucked the life out of you. - Tomato.

- What? - It's Angry Tomato.

And I'm sorry I'm no fun any more, but I'm a different person now.

You were no fun then.

You've always been miserable.

That's why it all dried up for us, people could sense it.

You killed Cheese and Crackers, Tommy. I'm sorry, but it has to be said.

You weren't always like this.

Remember when we first started out, back in the day,

we used to cry with laughter at every little thing.

Yeah, well... The joke wore thin, didn't it?

- I'm going for a ciggie. Do you... - No.

I stopped 20 years ago. So should you.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Looks like it's gonna rain.

What's going on, Len? What's all this?

Nothing, they're just...

Props. I thought we could have a play, like I said.

What were you thinking for these?

Sweeney Todd gets diarrhoea?

No, but it's a good thought. Call it Sweeney Turd.

- Boom, we're off! - Len, Len...

Are you...

I can't believe I'm saying this, you're homeless aren't you?

Well, Leanne's got the baby now

and I have to be down here for voice over work.

When did you last do a voice over?

It was a while back I grant ya. I think it was for Tudor crisps.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want you to be jealous.

Not about the crisps, about being homeless.

How has that happened?

I don't know, it just crept up on me.

Missed a few payments,

next thing there's a sign on the door, all the locks have changed.

I had 15 minutes to grab what I could.

So where are you actually staying now?

Here and there. A few nights at Leanne's.

One or two other spots I've found.

I wish you'd told me sooner. I could've helped you.

I don't want your money, Tommy. I never did.

I just want you by my side.

One last serving of Cheese and Crackers.

All right.

What do you wanna do next?

Well, I thought we could have a go at "One Man Went to Mow", you know,

with all the quick-fire impressions, but we can't do it now.

Well, we could if we practiced.

No, we can't do it cos they're all Yewtree.

They're not, are they?

Oh, God, you're right.

- He's not Yewtree, is he? - Not yet, but he will be.

Oh, we can still do all the cartoon ones.

"Oooh, oooh, Mr Peevly, Mr Peevly."

Do you think people remember The Hair Bear Bunch?

Yes!

People love remembering things that happened in the '70s.

This lot don't.

- When I last did panto... - In 1992, carry on...

When I last did panto

I did 'em all. Hong Kong Phooey, Dick Dastardly,

Mary Mungo and Midge.

What did you do for Mary Mungo and Midge?

I just watched the lift go down.

Well, that must have been a fun evening.

Well it wasn't easy being one ugly sister.

All right, but shouldn't we be thinking of something more contemporary?

Who makes you laugh?

Eh?

What current stuff do you watch that makes you laugh?

I've always admired that young lad, joe Pasquale.

Uh, he's 56!

He's about as current as Kajagoogoo.

Funny bones though, and he's a brilliant prop comic.

But if you still want to make it in this game,

you've got to follow what the rules are now.

With my business head on I'd be looking at current trends,

gaps in the market.

At the moment, we're an outdated model.

It's heritage comedy! It's magic what we do.

- It's not a business. - It is a business, Len!

Show-business.

And that's what you failed to grasp. And that's why...

What?

- Nothing. - No, tell me!

It's obviously been on your mind for 30 years.

All right.

Bernie Clifton's dressing room.

What about Bernie Clifton's dressing room?

- You don't remember? - No.

And that is my point.

Let's do brown bottles.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(TAPPING FOOT)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

# Ten brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# Ten brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall

# There'll be nine brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# Nine brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall...

Come on, accidentally fall!

I haven't finished this one yet!

# There'll be eight brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# Eight brown bottles Sitting...

You're not supposed to drink 'em!

# And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall

# There'll be seven brown... Six bottles, sitting on the wall

# Five brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall...

Oh, sorry about that!

# There'll be four brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# Four brown bottles Sitting on the wall...

- What are you doing? - Health and safety!

# And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall

# There'll be three brown bottles Sitting on the wall

I need a wee.

# Three brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle...

Not there!

# Should accidentally fall...

# There'll be two brown bottles Sitting on the wall

# Two brown bottles Sitting on the wall

I love you, Tommy.

# And if one brown bottle Should accidentally fall...

# There'll be one brown bottle Sitting on the wall#

Tommy Drake ladies and gentlemen!

He's so mean you need a spanner to get 50p out of his hand.

Gis a kiss...

# There'll be no more bottles... #

- And no more wall. -(LEN LAUGHS)

Hey, takes it outta ya that one. It's funny though.

So, you don't remember Bernie Clifton's dressing room?

No, I don't! Why do you have to keep bringing that up?

We were on stage, Glasgow Pavilion, doing Brown Bottles,

you walked off to get the broom, you never came back.

You left me standing there, humiliated, vamping for 10 minutes

while the audience started slow hand clapping.

People shouting "Where's the funny one?"

I walked off to find you

in Bernie Clifton's dressing room, lying on the floor

choking in your own vomit.

Probably cos I'd just necked seven bottles of beer in three minutes!

Yeah, and how many times a week did you do that?

- I can't remember. - Course you can't remember.

I'm surprised you remember anything from 83 to 87, the amount you drank.

- What are you saying? - You nearly died, Len!

You're an alcoholic.

And Bernie Clifton's dressing room was the last straw.

He had to destroy that ostrich, you know?

- No, he didn't. - He did!

Twenty-five quid I had to give him, which I never saw back.

It's very stressful going out on stage every night, making people laugh.

You don't need to tell me that.

How would you know, Thomas?

I was the one on the front foot, driving it.

You just stood there like a fucking pillar box.

That's why you were drunk for 10 years, is it?

Oh, don't exaggerate.

You said I killed Cheese and Crackers?

Because I was miserable?

Why do you think they wouldn't have you on Blankety Blank?

Why we died a death on Crackerjack?

It was you.

You were always pissed!

I loved performing.

I loved being on stage every night.

- Nothing gave me more joy. - So, why did you leave it all then?

To save you.

You turned into a monster after six half-hours on Anglia!

I was frightened if we got any bigger...

You were killing yourself,

so I walked away.

- But, you came back, didn't ya? - Yes, and I wish I'd never bothered!

(DOOR OPENING)

Sorry, am I interrupting?

No, I was just, going through my speech.

Hard to find the right words.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Ah, have you been looking through my Dad's stuff?

Yeah.

Yeah, brought back a lot of memories.

He was a funny man.

He was.

Are there many people here?

Quite a few, yeah.

Er, Sid Little, couple of Nolans...

- I've brought you the order of service. - Oh, thanks.

You'll be on afterjanette Krankie.

So if you just give a moment to move her box.

Ah, yeah.

My dad wanted it to be a celebration.

One last gig to an invited audience.

As long as they don't expect me to be funny.

Oh, no, I don't think anyone's expecting that.

Thanks for doing it though.

I know you and my dad had unresolved business.

We did, but, erm...

It's too late now.

Like I said earlier, just imagine he's here with ya,

in the room.

Yeah.

You will come to the do after, won't you for a drink and a snack?

We're, erm...

-having cheese and crackers. - Oh, well, quite right too.

Erm,

we're gonna be playing Tears of Laughter

when they bring him in, just so you're prepared.

Okay-

Oh, I almost forgot.

He wanted you to have this.

He was very insistent.

He said you'd know what it was about.

(SNIFFLING)

Thank you, old pal.

# It's almost time to say goodbye

# Ta ta and fare thee well

# It's almost time To bring the curtain down

# I'll say adieu... # To me?

# To you So long, it has been swell

# But don't you cry the tears of a clown

# If you're

# Going to cry Cry tears of laughter

# A smile takes much less effort Than a frown

# So let's have one more joke

# And raise the rafters

# Cos laughter's The best medicine in town

Doctor, doctor, I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies!

Don't worry, it's just a midwife crisis.

# Yes, if you're going to cry

# Cry tears of laughter

# Your funny bone can never break in two

# Misery might let you win a BA I-TA

# But laughter is my memory of you

There are three types of people in this world.

Those who can count and those that can't.

Terrible.

# Laughter is my memory of you

Do you know Tommy, I've spent the last four years

looking for my mother-in-law's killer. But no one will do it.

# Yes, laughter is my memory of...

#You#