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ANNOUNCER: In space,
no one can hear you sc--
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(all screaming)
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ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
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00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:10,811
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
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ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.
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[bats squeal]
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*
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GUILLERMO:
I like being a familiar.
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00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,459
It's a very satisfying job.
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00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:28,729
Well, actually, calling it
a job would imply that it pays.
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00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:31,765
So it's more of a vocation.
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00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,534
Less glamorous than I imagined.
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(retching)
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I thought by now
I'd be like Armand,
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00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:41,041
but sometimes I feel like
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I'm halfway
turning into a Renfield.
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(insect buzzes)
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*
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00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,816
I think the worst part
for me is the loneliness.
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00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:51,852
I'm awake when
my master's asleep, and...
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00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,687
the house gets quiet
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and it's lonely,
but I'm also awake
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when he's awake.
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I'm always awake.
(sighs)
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You know, sometimes I wonder
what my life would be like
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00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,864
if I was still at Panera Bread.
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I'd probably be manager.
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00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,536
I'd get to boss other people
around for a change,
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00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,738
sleeping, health insurance,
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friends...
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(saw whirs)
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...getting paid,
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all the Panera Bread
you can eat.
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But you know what they say:
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00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,616
the heart wants
what the heart wants.
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("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
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* Don't sing if you want
to live long *
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* They have no use
for your song *
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* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *
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* You're dead
and out of this world *
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* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *
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* You sold out your dream
to the world *
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* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *
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* You're dead
and out of this world. *
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*
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*
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-NANDOR (muffled):
Good evening, Guillermo.
-Good evening, Master.
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I have an envelope for you.
49
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Okay, pop it in the coffin.
Thank you.
50
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,537
Uh, just... pop it in there.
51
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,406
That's... that's...
52
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,274
Is it in yet?
53
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I can't read it.
It's too dark in here.
54
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Is it another summons
for jury duty?
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Just tell them I'm dead.
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00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,452
Oh, no.
It's something very cool.
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I had your DNA tested.
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A lab tested it.
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00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,627
How did they get the DNA?
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00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,095
Did they steal my semen?
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-What? No.
-I won't have my semen
stolen again.
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No, I don't, I don't...
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00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,935
No, I don't even know
what that story is.
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00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,737
No, this is all very scientific.
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Huh. Okay.
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00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,407
Well, the story is
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00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:57,144
some witches decided
to steal my semen
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and put it into a semen spell.
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00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:03,517
But it didn't even work, and
then they got semen everywhere.
70
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:07,888
But this seems
much more aboveboard, so...
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00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,757
This just uses science
to find out
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00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,525
where your ancestors came from.
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It could also be used to see if
you have any living relatives.
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00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,697
Living relatives?
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* Dun, da-da, da. *
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Here's yours.
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You have...
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00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,204
Oh, wow.
79
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,206
-What?
-You have...
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00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:30,844
200,000 direct
living descendants.
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That's a lot.
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I'm a granddad?
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00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,916
Well, technically, you're a...
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00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,686
great-granddad times 30.
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(chuckles)
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00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,522
NANDOR:
Becoming a vampire came
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00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,691
at a strange time in my life.
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00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,759
I was married at the time
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to 37 women.
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00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,863
My 37 wives weren't very happy
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00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,732
about the changes
I was going through.
92
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:55,703
I was becoming very moody,
sleeping all day now.
93
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,572
Nighttime was mainly
drinking people's blood.
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00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,641
Put a strain on all of us.
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00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,209
Then they left,
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00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,477
all 37 of them.
97
00:04:03,511 --> 00:04:05,279
It was a sad night for me,
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00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:08,081
because I really loved
35 of them.
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00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,683
In those days,
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00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,085
fathers didn't really
look after their children.
101
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,821
It was down to the women.
102
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,690
And in some cases,
a couple of friendly wolves.
103
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:19,527
-(wolf howling)
-I did try to visit
my children, but...
104
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,163
they were just afraid,
you know, 'cause...
105
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:26,867
I'm a vampire floating
outside the window.
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00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,402
Hey, kiddies.
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00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:31,572
Hey, you've got my nose.
108
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,743
That's the last time I saw them.
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00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:39,246
Probably dead now, I suppose.
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And another cool thing is,
you can find out
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if any of them live near you.
112
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,454
You have one of them
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00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,121
living right here
in Staten Island.
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00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,723
Madeline.
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Exciting.
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-Why are we going
to the library?
-This better be good, Nandor.
117
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,064
-How long is this gonna take?
-I was cleaning my skull.
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00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,066
Not long, not long. Thank you.
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00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,869
Everyone, I have
some very exciting news.
120
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,973
Guillermo has had my DNA tested.
121
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,908
You need to be careful
that's not evil witches trying
122
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:10,444
-to pinch your semen.
-Yes. Witches
are semen stealers.
123
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,480
There's no semen-stealing.
124
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,214
It's very official.
125
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,983
It came in an envelope.
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00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,551
GUILLERMO:
I actually had
everyone's DNA tested.
127
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,319
NADJA:
How did you get our DNA
128
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:22,623
-without us knowing?
-You literally leave it
laying everywhere,
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00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,625
so it wasn't that hard.
So, here's yours, Nadja.
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00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:27,395
No, thank you, please. Put that
on the pile there for burning.
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00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,497
-You sure you
don't want to open it?
-Don't test me!
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00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,264
Okay, forget that.
133
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,100
-So, Laszlo...
-Don't you dare.
134
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,468
-You don't want to...?
-Bugger off.
135
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:36,470
-(hisses)
-That's not very nice.
136
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:37,871
Okay. Colin Robinson.
137
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,608
-Ding, ding, ding.
-There you go.
138
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,909
Could I get a drumroll first?
139
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,010
-No.
-No.
-Nope.
140
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,812
Fine. I'll do my own.
141
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,147
(imitating drumroll)
142
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,916
Frankly, I would be flattered
143
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:52,252
if witches collected my semen.
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00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,988
(imitates cymbal striking)
145
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,289
It says here that
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00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:59,493
I am 100% white.
147
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,195
People are
from all different places.
148
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,831
It just can't say "white"
on your paper.
149
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,332
Oh, wow. "100% white."
150
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,935
COLIN:
No other nuance.
151
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,870
NANDOR:
Tell them my other news,
Guillermo.
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00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:12,840
Okay. He has over two hundred...
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00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:16,644
200,000 direct descendants
living today!
154
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,679
Fucking hell.
Well done, chap.
155
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,280
NANDOR:
Thank you, Laszlo.
156
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:23,250
Congratulations, Nandor.
That is some very exciting seed.
157
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:26,019
-Yes.
-But I'm telling you, don't let
the witches find out about it.
158
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,354
They'll be coming for you.
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00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,490
-No...
-That is top-quality seed.
160
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:32,225
And thanks to your little
helper, they know about it.
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00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:34,127
I'm telling you,
they're coming for more.
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00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,663
They use it to make magnets.
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00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:38,365
I'm a granddad.
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00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,067
-COLIN: You know...
-NANDOR: Don't ruin it.
165
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,369
Oh, I-I wouldn't
think of ruining it.
166
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,371
-Thank you.
-The great Genghis Khan
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00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,476
-I knew it.
-has over 16 million
living descendants.
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00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,911
Now, that's a seed.
169
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,345
You just have to bring up
Genghis Khan.
170
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:53,981
Do any of his relatives
live nearby?
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00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,415
Actually, yes.
172
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:59,252
Uh, he has a great-times-30
granddaughter
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00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:02,089
who lives here in Staten Island.
174
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,091
So did you get your DNA tested,
Guillermo?
175
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,860
I did, but you probably
wouldn't be interested
176
00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:09,930
-in finding out the results.
-Yes. Probably not.
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00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,534
NANDOR:
Thank you for attending.
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00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:16,303
GUILLERMO:
I'm mainly mestizo,
which I already knew.
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00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,272
3.12% Dutch.
180
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:21,475
That's pretty cool.
(chuckles)
181
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,644
This basically shows
my family tree.
182
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,412
There's the Dutch family,
183
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,180
and the name is Van Helsing.
184
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,149
That's...
(chuckles)
185
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,318
that's actually really funny.
186
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:34,254
Uh, 'cause I don't know
if you're familiar with, uh,
187
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,923
who Van Helsing is...
188
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,058
*
189
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,927
The most notorious
vampire killer.
190
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,730
I have Van Helsing DNA
in my blood,
191
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,398
which is...
192
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,901
But he's not real, so...
193
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,670
He's not real.
194
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:52,640
Is he?
195
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:53,774
I mean, vampires are real,
196
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,143
but...
197
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,979
I suppose there could be
a vampire...
198
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,414
Oh, wow.
199
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,415
I love vampires.
200
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,752
I-I...
201
00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,154
I killed two accidentally.
202
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,023
-Stay back!
-(grunts)
203
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,058
(gasps)
204
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,993
Oh, fuck.
205
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,261
My tummy feels weird.
206
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,963
Just...
207
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,465
I th... What'd I have for lunch?
I had for lunch...
208
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,300
I had, um...
209
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,369
(whispers):
garlic.
210
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,979
LASZLO:
When I was a human man,
211
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,481
I had rosy cheeks,
yet in between those cheeks,
212
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,817
there was never a smile.
213
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,587
And then, one night,
everything changed.
214
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,022
Nadja came through the window
215
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,657
and took my life.
216
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,893
She opened a window to my soul
217
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,829
and let the darkness in.
218
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,364
I'm creating something
very special for her.
219
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,800
It's yet to take shape.
220
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,935
When it does, I think
she'll be very impressed.
221
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,805
I can't be bothered to hold this
anymore. Can you tether it?
222
00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,140
-Uh, actually...
-What the fuck
have you got in your hand?!
223
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,474
Put that down!
224
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,276
That's a wooden stake,
you dickhead!
225
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,078
Well, you asked me to buy
garden stakes, so I b...
226
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,014
Get them out of my sight now,
you smart-ass.
227
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,481
-Okay.
-Where did you get them from?
228
00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:10,217
-Amazon, so...
-Well, then you get in your car,
229
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,518
and you drive back
to the Amazon.
230
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,786
That's not how that w...
It's online.
231
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:15,322
Shut your mouth,
and tie this thing up.
232
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,190
Fucking halfwit.
233
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,661
Stakes! The most offensive thing
he could bring into the house.
234
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:21,895
Tighter!
235
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,998
So, Nandor has
200,000 descendants.
236
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:29,069
Still far fewer than,
uh, Genghis Khan.
237
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,538
Um, so we're gonna go visit one.
238
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,406
NANDOR:
Her name is Madeline.
239
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,109
I'm going to float up
to her window and see her.
240
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:39,546
Not going
to introduce myself yet.
241
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,248
Don't want to frighten her.
242
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:44,952
I need you to be very supportive
of me at this delicate moment.
243
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,854
Going to give her some gifts.
244
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,056
Got her a little teddy bear.
245
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,557
Ugh. You know what?
246
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,559
This isn't working,
me being supportive.
247
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,562
I feel like
I am literally eating myself.
248
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,563
Ugh!
249
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,598
It is time.
250
00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,634
*
251
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,943
Don't tap on the window.
252
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:13,346
I see her. She's asleep.
253
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,882
How does she look, Master?
254
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,918
She looks a little older
than I was anticipating.
255
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,553
That-That's what I was trying
to tell you-- she's 94.
256
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:23,223
-So young! (gasps)
-COLIN: Don't tap on the window.
257
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,893
She is stirring.
I'm going to tap on the window.
258
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:28,929
-No.
-N-No, Master,
don't tap on the window.
259
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,798
Madeline!
260
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,700
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap!
261
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,434
-Oh, crap.
-Wakey, wakey!
262
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,236
Ah.
263
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,637
She's awake.
264
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:39,472
Come to me, my little one.
265
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,709
Come, look, this is for you.
266
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,844
Your grandpappy is here.
267
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,378
Say hello.
268
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:46,747
-This is...
-(Madeline gasps)
269
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:47,748
(body thuds)
270
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,482
Oh, no.
271
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,186
I knew I shouldn't have tapped
on her window,
272
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,255
but you goaded me.
273
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:58,025
If, by "goading,"
you mean my saying,
274
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,928
"Under no circumstances
should you tap on her window,"
275
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,662
then, yes, I goaded you.
276
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,231
Yes, exactly. You see,
277
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,666
you are a goader,
Guillermo is a goader.
278
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,770
You saw an opportunity to goad
and what did you do?
279
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,172
-You goaded it.
-Okay.
280
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,941
NANDOR:
Guillermo!
281
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,943
What is this feeling
282
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:17,610
I am feeling?
283
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,446
It's grief, Master!
284
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,514
Grief?
285
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,550
-(siren wailing)
-I don't care for it.
286
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,519
Wait, wait. Nandor!
287
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,756
How am I supposed
to get down, Nandor?
288
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:32,125
You goaded me, and now
you got to take the stairs!
289
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,294
This is why you don't
get attached to humans.
290
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,463
They don't last long.
291
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,365
It is like with my sweet Gregor.
292
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,001
He is reborn and then he dies.
293
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:44,671
And again and again and again.
294
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,540
And every time he comes back,
our love is reignited
295
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,542
like a big ball of flames,
296
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,479
-and then
he is brutally decapitated.
-(yelling)
297
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:54,647
Look at this one.
298
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,817
Such a beautiful head of hair.
299
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,385
I like it when he's subservient,
300
00:11:58,418 --> 00:11:59,686
but not like this.
301
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,823
Hello!
Num, num, num, num, num.
302
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:06,860
* Gregor,
you are the sweetest boy *
303
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,628
* Kid. *
304
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,531
(whispering): I have to be very
careful in case Laszlo sees.
305
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,535
* My sweet Gregor *
306
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,971
* Gregor, can you hear me? *
307
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,773
* Gregor, hear me *
308
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,309
* Singing this song *
309
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:25,445
* Gregor, can you hear me? *
310
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,580
-* Gregor, hear me *
-Nadja.
311
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:30,217
-Nadja! Nadja!
-* Singing this song... *
312
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,954
(yelling)
313
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,724
-(grunts)
-(bones snap)
314
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,793
I'm Gregor!
315
00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,594
(grunts)
316
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:42,729
(keys jingle)
317
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,532
Nadja!
318
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,500
-(grunting)
-(glass breaking)
319
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:48,635
Nadja?
320
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,905
Nadja!
321
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,678
(car alarm chirps)
322
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:04,251
Hey! Hey!
Goddamn it. Call the cops.
323
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,558
NADJA:
Nandor has invited us
to join him at the funeral
324
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,927
of his descendant Madeline.
325
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,795
-NADJA: Wait. It's in a church?
-LASZLO: Oh, bloody hell.
326
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,630
-Well, of course.
It's a funeral.
-But hang on.
327
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,867
It's night. Shouldn't there be
no one in there?
328
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,568
I got it changed
to later in the evening.
329
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,003
-Asshole.
-How did you do that?
330
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,205
I... called in a bomb scare.
331
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,473
-I can't go in there.
-No.
332
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,575
Do it for Madeline.
333
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,077
Look at the pictures
on the glass.
334
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:32,279
It's the Jeebus man.
(groans)
335
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,447
Thought of going
in a church-- a church--
336
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,283
makes me nervous
to say the word.
337
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,485
I just...
(guttural gagging)
338
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,420
You know, this...
Not much scares me,
339
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:41,788
but this...
(guttural gagging)
340
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,356
She can go in.
Why can't we? Look at...
341
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,992
-Because she's not a vampire!
-Look at her.
342
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,793
I'm a vampire.
I can go in.
343
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,497
Energy vampires have no problems
going into places of worship.
344
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,365
We find it to be
fertile feeding ground.
345
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,001
-No! Ooh!
-NADJA: Wonderful, Colin.
346
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,435
Can you go in
and pay our respects,
347
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:56,870
and we'll just stand here?
348
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,371
This is not
about feeding ground.
349
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,407
This is about
my great-great-great-great-
350
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,876
great-great-
great-great-great-great-
351
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:06,379
great-great-granddaughter.
Please.
352
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,248
-(Nadja scoffs)
-Please?
353
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,984
-(muttering)
-Fuck it. Fine.
354
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,486
-Madeline.
-Again, it's okay
for me to go in.
355
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,955
I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine.
356
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,489
-NANDOR: Madeline.
-NADJA: Laszlo.
357
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,459
-(organ playing somber music)
-PRIEST: And it is with
great sadness
358
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,394
and tremendous remorse
359
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,796
that we say goodbye
to Madeline Darvish.
360
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,999
She did not have children
of her own,
361
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,801
but many considered her
a mother figure.
362
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,037
-Please rise.
-NADJA: Motherfucking rise.
363
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,871
-Then you rise.
-You rise.
364
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,706
-I really appreciate you coming.
-PRIEST: The Lord
is my shepherd.
365
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,243
-I shall not want...
-Nandor, we got
to get out of here.
366
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,811
Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't
know how much longer I can last.
367
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,914
-(group grunting)
-(banging on pew)
368
00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:44,817
Nandor, my mascara is running
because of the blood.
369
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,319
You look great.
370
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:47,720
-(groans)
-I got to get out.
371
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,156
-(grunting)
-I can't do this.
372
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:51,891
It is a lovely service,
but I'm on fire.
373
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,994
PRIEST:
Your rod and your staff...
374
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:55,595
-they comfort me.
-Thank you for coming, Nadja.
375
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,998
Hey, I'm gonna go, too.
I'd rather watch TV.
376
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,667
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
377
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,735
And I will dwell in the house
of the Lord forever.
378
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,504
-(gasps)
-Please be seated.
379
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:05,738
(panting)
380
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,007
Guillermo.
381
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,176
Guillermo, I'm on fire.
Get some water.
382
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:10,343
Water.
(groans)
383
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:12,212
Aah!
384
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,214
(congregation murmuring)
385
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,816
So sad. I...
386
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,419
really miss her.
387
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,354
That was holy water, Guillermo.
388
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:24,124
Are you trying to kill me?
389
00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:25,558
She died too young.
390
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:26,926
PRIEST:
If anyone
391
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,528
from the family would like
392
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,597
to say a few words,
393
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:33,333
-(hissing)
-n-now would be a good time.
394
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:37,804
LASZLO:
Good night, my darling.
395
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,506
Good night, my darling.
396
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,112
MAN (over radio):
West on Jefferson Avenue,
397
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,047
got a late model
red station wagon.
398
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,582
10-96. Escaped mental patient.
399
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,452
-So, my boy Sean...
-Ca-caw!
400
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,654
came to the corner store
down on Eastern Parkway
401
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:57,024
to get some Twizzlers,
but they only had a family size.
402
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,326
-Yo, shut up, shut up, look.
-What, man? I'm telling a...
403
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,061
-Yo! Whoa!
-TEEN 2: What the fu...?
Dude, what?
404
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,895
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
405
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,331
TEEN 1:
Whoa!
406
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,133
-TEEN 2: Dude, holy... Yo...
-(Jeff yelling)
407
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,801
-TEEN 1: Holy shit! Oh, my God.
-TEEN 2: Oh! Look at that!
408
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:10,970
-TEEN 1: Look at that.
-TEEN 2: Holy shit.
409
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,405
Nadja!
410
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,640
-TEEN 1: Are you okay?
-TEEN 2: Holy shit.
411
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,708
Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo.
412
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,144
-TEEN 1: Hey, hey, hey.
-TEEN 2: Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
413
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,878
-TEEN 1: Oh!
-TEEN 2: Oh, my God.
414
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,381
Nadja!
415
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,016
TEEN 1: That's not-that's not
yours. Hey!
-TEEN 2: Dude!
416
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:25,152
TEEN 1:
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
417
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,920
-(teens shouting indistinctly)
-(siren wails)
418
00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:29,456
-TEEN 1: Yo, yo, yo, yo.
-TEEN 2: Stop!
419
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,990
JEFF (in distance): Nadja?!
420
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,994
Nadja!
421
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,098
Nadja!
422
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,432
Shit.
423
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,702
JEFF:
Nadja!
424
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,171
-Jesk?
-Nadja.
425
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,972
-Oh...
-My Nadja. I heard your call.
426
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,608
-Shh.
-My destiny has brought me here,
427
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,111
-and it is to be with you.
-Oh.
428
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:53,613
Jesk, uh,
you-you shouldn't be here.
429
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,014
-My husband lives here.
-Husband?
430
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,217
And he is very big, wide man,
431
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:58,985
-and he loves to bite.
-I don't give a shit.
432
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,853
-He loves to bite...
-Our destiny cannot be denied.
433
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,357
-Who's this, my darling?
-Well... Oh...
434
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,193
A gentleman caller?
435
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,395
Uh, no. This is just my friend
from the park.
436
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,996
We're having a quick catch-up.
437
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,265
I am here for Nadja.
438
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,968
Nadja... is my wife.
439
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:18,471
I should cut your head off.
440
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,573
Oh, L-Laszlo,
you don't need to do that.
441
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:23,376
I always have.
(chuckles)
442
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:24,377
-Wait, what?
-What?
443
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,378
I know who you are.
444
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,714
Outward appearance
may have changed.
445
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,382
The pattern remains the same.
446
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,784
You get reborn,
you try and find her,
447
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,221
and I cut your head off.
448
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,156
(Nadja gasps)
449
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,558
-(flesh squishes)
-(man screams)
450
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,593
-Oh, shit.
-(chuckling)
451
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,497
When I was a street thief?
452
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,199
I had the cleaver in my hand.
453
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,000
-(man screams)
-(flesh squishes)
454
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,402
When I was a naval officer?
455
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,937
I was on board that ship
with a cutlass.
456
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,539
-(man screams, knife scrapes)
-JEFF: When I was atop
457
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,873
-that horse
in the battlefield in...
-Yeah, yeah.
458
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,542
-That was me.
-(horse neighing)
459
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,576
The Amazon explorer?
460
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,345
Guess who tipped off
the natives.
461
00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,247
-When I was a mouse?
-I was a cat.
-(cat growls)
462
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,914
When he was a washer woman?
463
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:04,384
-We can do this all night.
-Really?
464
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,453
-You're an evil genius.
-My darling,
465
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,489
every time doughboy turns up,
you start crying.
466
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,891
Now, I'm not having that.
467
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,927
You're my sweet baby, and I'm
here to stop that kind of jive.
468
00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:17,597
Aw. Crazy knight in...
469
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,032
shining black coat.
(chuckles)
470
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,401
Oh, Laszlo.
471
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,436
JEFF:
Well, this is fucked up.
472
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,904
-Should we get on with it?
-No. No.
473
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,874
Let him have at least
one full life, my darling.
474
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:29,176
Is this what you want?
475
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,110
Why... y-yes.
476
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,746
I suggest you fuck off
477
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,082
and never darken
our doorstep again.
478
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,852
My wife has everything she needs
with me. Is that understood?
479
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:42,689
-Goodbye.
-(chuckles)
480
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,224
May-Maybe I'll see you
in the next life.
481
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,058
-Yeah, maybe you won't.
-Oh, okay. All right.
482
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,427
All right, all right.
I'm going.
483
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,896
-May-Maybe you will.
-Mm-hmm.
484
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:54,100
Now, my darling.
I've created something for you.
485
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,935
Here's your surprise.
486
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,905
(gasps, chuckles)
It's me.
487
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,907
-It is the most beautiful thing
-That's it.
488
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,310
-my eyes has ever witnessed.
-I'm out of here.
489
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,911
Farewell, my love...
(grunts)
490
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,246
-LASZLO: Ooh!
-(Nadja gasps)
491
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,481
-Bloody not.
-Laszlo, what the
492
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,683
-fucking hell have you done?!
-No, no, no, no, my darling.
493
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:12,252
I swear,
that had nothing to do with me.
494
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:13,653
NADJA:
Aw. Ew.
495
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:16,723
I'll leave you some time
alone with...
496
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,157
whatever his name is.
497
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,428
Oh, Gregor,
498
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,631
thank you for all the lovely
times, and I'll see you soon.
499
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,408
NANDOR:
Guillermo?
500
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,577
-Yes, Master?
-You all right?
501
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,111
I'm just tired, Master.
502
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,747
You sure?
503
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:43,550
Yes, I'm sure.
Time for bed.
504
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:47,153
What was the results
of your ancestry test?
505
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,357
* Gliding side by side... *
506
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:53,960
Just...
stereotypical... Mexican.
507
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,529
-Piñata farmers.
-Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm.
508
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,531
There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
509
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,533
People love piñatas.
510
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,636
Someone's got to breed
those colorful donkeys.
511
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,605
Thank you, Master.
512
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:08,608
* Underneath the moon... *
513
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:12,178
Thank you for helping me tonight
on my saddest night.
514
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,114
Even though you did throw
holy water onto me!
515
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:18,285
Do you remember that?!
It really burned!
516
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,152
-Sorry.
-Why would you do that?!
517
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:22,188
Outrageous!
518
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,156
Aah, my burns!
519
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:27,193
From the holy water
that you threw on me.
520
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,629
That is one demerit point
for you,
521
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,465
and one more year
as my familiar.
522
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,166
Good night.
523
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,503
* Underneath
the silvery moon... *
524
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,905
-Guillermo?
-Hmm?
525
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:41,341
You're having a serious thought?
526
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:42,909
No.
527
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,712
Oh, yeah, you probably weren't.
528
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,380
Good night.
529
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,116
Good night, Master.
530
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:56,022
* Underneath the moon
with shadows creeping *
531
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,690
* Underneath the silvery moon *
532
00:20:57,724 --> 00:21:01,894
* Making love while
all the world is sleeping *
533
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,230
* Making love
while the world sleeps *
534
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,133
-* Come along, my dear *
-* Come along, my dear *
535
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:10,503
-* I am waiting here *
-* I am waiting here *
536
00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:13,673
* Waiting underneath *
537
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,242
-* The *
-(shudders)
538
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,311
* Moon. *
539
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,650
("Holy Water"
by Struggle Jennings playing)
540
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:28,788
(chuckling in song)
541
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,590
(crows cawing)
542
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:33,292
* Yo, let me get two rounds *
543
00:21:35,194 --> 00:21:37,797
-* Shaolin, the warriors' home *
-* Yeah *
544
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:39,799
* Used to love the street,
euphoria's gone *
545
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:42,201
* Crack dealer,
sorcerer's stone *
546
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:43,903
* See, my son,
he was born as a clone *
547
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:45,738
* Take a seat at the throne *
548
00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:47,740
* Elvis left the building,
eagle has flown *
549
00:21:47,774 --> 00:21:49,909
* I've been mindin' my own,
so just leave me alone *
550
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:52,512
* This is the season of gods,
I'm-a even the odds *
551
00:21:52,545 --> 00:21:54,781
* You can read between the lines
'cause I'm speakin' in psalms *
552
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:58,284
* Oh, oh, take a shot
of that holy water *
553
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,820
* Ha, have a talk
with the Holy Father *
554
00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,589
* I know that you hear me,
I hope you forgive me *
555
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,290
* 'Cause tonight
I'm pressin' hard *
556
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,725
* With all the strength
that you give me *
557
00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:07,360
* Ah! *
558
00:22:07,394 --> 00:22:10,196
(laughing)
559
00:22:17,203 --> 00:22:19,205
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
560
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:23,843
-We are not going off on some--
-Wild goose chase.
561
00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:24,944
-Who's in?
-(agreeing)
562
00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:26,546
(shouting)
563
00:22:26,646 --> 00:22:29,782
We're stuck inside
a space nautilus, between
his colon and his cloaca.
564
00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:30,850
What's a cloaca?
565
00:22:30,883 --> 00:22:32,819
It's an organ
that's used for excretion
566
00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:34,320
and also intercourse.
567
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:35,522
(chuckling) Smart.
568
00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,424
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
569
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:40,226
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
570
00:22:41,461 --> 00:22:42,795
(record static)
571
00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:46,298
(hip-hop beat)
572
00:22:50,570 --> 00:22:52,472
(rapid drumming)
573
00:22:52,505 --> 00:22:56,108
(beat resumes)
574
00:22:57,444 --> 00:22:59,412
-Can I borrow your car?
-Sorry, Chip,
575
00:22:59,512 --> 00:23:02,081
but I have to
drive my mom around
for the next few days.
576
00:23:02,181 --> 00:23:04,316
She just had
cataract surgery.
577
00:23:04,350 --> 00:23:06,653
I can smell
whoever's there.
578
00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:09,021
ANNOUNCER: Baskets.
579
00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:12,091
Season premiere,
Thursday, June 13 on FX.
580
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,862
How does it work?
Your power?
581
00:23:16,796 --> 00:23:17,797
(clicks)
582
00:23:18,865 --> 00:23:20,066
WOMAN:
It's a place I go.
583
00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:22,569
It looks like a hallway
584
00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,671
with all these doors.
585
00:23:26,038 --> 00:23:27,707
It moves
in two directions.
586
00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:29,442
One way...
(echoes)
587
00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:30,977
is the past.
(echoes)
588
00:23:32,612 --> 00:23:34,481
-The other way--
-(gunshot)
589
00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:36,348
...is the future.
(echoes)
590
00:23:38,050 --> 00:23:39,285
Show me.
41931
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