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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,971 ANNOUNCER: In space, no one can hear you sc-- 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,107 (all screaming) 3 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,941 ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999. 4 00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:10,811 All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX. 5 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,849 ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows. 6 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:16,884 [bats squeal] 7 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,155 * 8 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,124 GUILLERMO: I like being a familiar. 9 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,459 It's a very satisfying job. 10 00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:28,729 Well, actually, calling it a job would imply that it pays. 11 00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:31,765 So it's more of a vocation. 12 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,534 Less glamorous than I imagined. 13 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,804 (retching) 14 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,872 I thought by now I'd be like Armand, 15 00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:41,041 but sometimes I feel like 16 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,010 I'm halfway turning into a Renfield. 17 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,545 (insect buzzes) 18 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,214 * 19 00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,816 I think the worst part for me is the loneliness. 20 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:51,852 I'm awake when my master's asleep, and... 21 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,687 the house gets quiet 22 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,689 and it's lonely, but I'm also awake 23 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:56,924 when he's awake. 24 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:59,693 I'm always awake. (sighs) 25 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,829 You know, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like 26 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,864 if I was still at Panera Bread. 27 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,866 I'd probably be manager. 28 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,536 I'd get to boss other people around for a change, 29 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,738 sleeping, health insurance, 30 00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:11,972 friends... 31 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,073 (saw whirs) 32 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:14,608 ...getting paid, 33 00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,845 all the Panera Bread you can eat. 34 00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,547 But you know what they say: 35 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,616 the heart wants what the heart wants. 36 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,818 ("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing) 37 00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:27,288 * Don't sing if you want to live long * 38 00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:29,857 * They have no use for your song * 39 00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:32,493 * You're dead, you're dead, you're dead * 40 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:35,396 * You're dead and out of this world * 41 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:40,033 * Now your hope and compassion is gone * 42 00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,770 * You sold out your dream to the world * 43 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,072 * Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead * 44 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,775 * You're dead and out of this world. * 45 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,410 * 46 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,288 * 47 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,797 -NANDOR (muffled): Good evening, Guillermo. -Good evening, Master. 48 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,165 I have an envelope for you. 49 00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:13,767 Okay, pop it in the coffin. Thank you. 50 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,537 Uh, just... pop it in there. 51 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,406 That's... that's... 52 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,274 Is it in yet? 53 00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:25,646 I can't read it. It's too dark in here. 54 00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:28,015 Is it another summons for jury duty? 55 00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:29,950 Just tell them I'm dead. 56 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,452 Oh, no. It's something very cool. 57 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,986 I had your DNA tested. 58 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,087 A lab tested it. 59 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,627 How did they get the DNA? 60 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,095 Did they steal my semen? 61 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,898 -What? No. -I won't have my semen stolen again. 62 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,334 No, I don't, I don't... 63 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,935 No, I don't even know what that story is. 64 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,737 No, this is all very scientific. 65 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,072 Huh. Okay. 66 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,407 Well, the story is 67 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:57,144 some witches decided to steal my semen 68 00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,180 and put it into a semen spell. 69 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:03,517 But it didn't even work, and then they got semen everywhere. 70 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:07,888 But this seems much more aboveboard, so... 71 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,757 This just uses science to find out 72 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,525 where your ancestors came from. 73 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:14,395 It could also be used to see if you have any living relatives. 74 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,697 Living relatives? 75 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,031 * Dun, da-da, da. * 76 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,867 Here's yours. 77 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,202 You have... 78 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,204 Oh, wow. 79 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,206 -What? -You have... 80 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:30,844 200,000 direct living descendants. 81 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,179 That's a lot. 82 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,881 I'm a granddad? 83 00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,916 Well, technically, you're a... 84 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,686 great-granddad times 30. 85 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,953 (chuckles) 86 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,522 NANDOR: Becoming a vampire came 87 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,691 at a strange time in my life. 88 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,759 I was married at the time 89 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,861 to 37 women. 90 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,863 My 37 wives weren't very happy 91 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,732 about the changes I was going through. 92 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:55,703 I was becoming very moody, sleeping all day now. 93 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,572 Nighttime was mainly drinking people's blood. 94 00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,641 Put a strain on all of us. 95 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,209 Then they left, 96 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,477 all 37 of them. 97 00:04:03,511 --> 00:04:05,279 It was a sad night for me, 98 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:08,081 because I really loved 35 of them. 99 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,683 In those days, 100 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,085 fathers didn't really look after their children. 101 00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,821 It was down to the women. 102 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:16,690 And in some cases, a couple of friendly wolves. 103 00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:19,527 -(wolf howling) -I did try to visit my children, but... 104 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,163 they were just afraid, you know, 'cause... 105 00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:26,867 I'm a vampire floating outside the window. 106 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,402 Hey, kiddies. 107 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:31,572 Hey, you've got my nose. 108 00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,743 That's the last time I saw them. 109 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:39,246 Probably dead now, I suppose. 110 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,349 And another cool thing is, you can find out 111 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,051 if any of them live near you. 112 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,454 You have one of them 113 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,121 living right here in Staten Island. 114 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,723 Madeline. 115 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,526 Exciting. 116 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,195 -Why are we going to the library? -This better be good, Nandor. 117 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,064 -How long is this gonna take? -I was cleaning my skull. 118 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,066 Not long, not long. Thank you. 119 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,869 Everyone, I have some very exciting news. 120 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,973 Guillermo has had my DNA tested. 121 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,908 You need to be careful that's not evil witches trying 122 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:10,444 -to pinch your semen. -Yes. Witches are semen stealers. 123 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,480 There's no semen-stealing. 124 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,214 It's very official. 125 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,983 It came in an envelope. 126 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,551 GUILLERMO: I actually had everyone's DNA tested. 127 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,319 NADJA: How did you get our DNA 128 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:22,623 -without us knowing? -You literally leave it laying everywhere, 129 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,625 so it wasn't that hard. So, here's yours, Nadja. 130 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:27,395 No, thank you, please. Put that on the pile there for burning. 131 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,497 -You sure you don't want to open it? -Don't test me! 132 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,264 Okay, forget that. 133 00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,100 -So, Laszlo... -Don't you dare. 134 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,468 -You don't want to...? -Bugger off. 135 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:36,470 -(hisses) -That's not very nice. 136 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:37,871 Okay. Colin Robinson. 137 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,608 -Ding, ding, ding. -There you go. 138 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,909 Could I get a drumroll first? 139 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,010 -No. -No. -Nope. 140 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,812 Fine. I'll do my own. 141 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,147 (imitating drumroll) 142 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,916 Frankly, I would be flattered 143 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:52,252 if witches collected my semen. 144 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,988 (imitates cymbal striking) 145 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,289 It says here that 146 00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:59,493 I am 100% white. 147 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,195 People are from all different places. 148 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,831 It just can't say "white" on your paper. 149 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,332 Oh, wow. "100% white." 150 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,935 COLIN: No other nuance. 151 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,870 NANDOR: Tell them my other news, Guillermo. 152 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:12,840 Okay. He has over two hundred... 153 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:16,644 200,000 direct descendants living today! 154 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,679 Fucking hell. Well done, chap. 155 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,280 NANDOR: Thank you, Laszlo. 156 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:23,250 Congratulations, Nandor. That is some very exciting seed. 157 00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:26,019 -Yes. -But I'm telling you, don't let the witches find out about it. 158 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,354 They'll be coming for you. 159 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,490 -No... -That is top-quality seed. 160 00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:32,225 And thanks to your little helper, they know about it. 161 00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:34,127 I'm telling you, they're coming for more. 162 00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,663 They use it to make magnets. 163 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:38,365 I'm a granddad. 164 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,067 -COLIN: You know... -NANDOR: Don't ruin it. 165 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,369 Oh, I-I wouldn't think of ruining it. 166 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,371 -Thank you. -The great Genghis Khan 167 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,476 -I knew it. -has over 16 million living descendants. 168 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,911 Now, that's a seed. 169 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,345 You just have to bring up Genghis Khan. 170 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:53,981 Do any of his relatives live nearby? 171 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,415 Actually, yes. 172 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:59,252 Uh, he has a great-times-30 granddaughter 173 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:02,089 who lives here in Staten Island. 174 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,091 So did you get your DNA tested, Guillermo? 175 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,860 I did, but you probably wouldn't be interested 176 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:09,930 -in finding out the results. -Yes. Probably not. 177 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,534 NANDOR: Thank you for attending. 178 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:16,303 GUILLERMO: I'm mainly mestizo, which I already knew. 179 00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,272 3.12% Dutch. 180 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:21,475 That's pretty cool. (chuckles) 181 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,644 This basically shows my family tree. 182 00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,412 There's the Dutch family, 183 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,180 and the name is Van Helsing. 184 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,149 That's... (chuckles) 185 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,318 that's actually really funny. 186 00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:34,254 Uh, 'cause I don't know if you're familiar with, uh, 187 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,923 who Van Helsing is... 188 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,058 * 189 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,927 The most notorious vampire killer. 190 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,730 I have Van Helsing DNA in my blood, 191 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,398 which is... 192 00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,901 But he's not real, so... 193 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,670 He's not real. 194 00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:52,640 Is he? 195 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:53,774 I mean, vampires are real, 196 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,143 but... 197 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,979 I suppose there could be a vampire... 198 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,414 Oh, wow. 199 00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,415 I love vampires. 200 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:04,752 I-I... 201 00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,154 I killed two accidentally. 202 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,023 -Stay back! -(grunts) 203 00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,058 (gasps) 204 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,993 Oh, fuck. 205 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,261 My tummy feels weird. 206 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,963 Just... 207 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,465 I th... What'd I have for lunch? I had for lunch... 208 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,300 I had, um... 209 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,369 (whispers): garlic. 210 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,979 LASZLO: When I was a human man, 211 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,481 I had rosy cheeks, yet in between those cheeks, 212 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,817 there was never a smile. 213 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,587 And then, one night, everything changed. 214 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,022 Nadja came through the window 215 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,657 and took my life. 216 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,893 She opened a window to my soul 217 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,829 and let the darkness in. 218 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,364 I'm creating something very special for her. 219 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,800 It's yet to take shape. 220 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,935 When it does, I think she'll be very impressed. 221 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,805 I can't be bothered to hold this anymore. Can you tether it? 222 00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,140 -Uh, actually... -What the fuck have you got in your hand?! 223 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,474 Put that down! 224 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,276 That's a wooden stake, you dickhead! 225 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,078 Well, you asked me to buy garden stakes, so I b... 226 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,014 Get them out of my sight now, you smart-ass. 227 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,481 -Okay. -Where did you get them from? 228 00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:10,217 -Amazon, so... -Well, then you get in your car, 229 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,518 and you drive back to the Amazon. 230 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,786 That's not how that w... It's online. 231 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:15,322 Shut your mouth, and tie this thing up. 232 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,190 Fucking halfwit. 233 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,661 Stakes! The most offensive thing he could bring into the house. 234 00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:21,895 Tighter! 235 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,998 So, Nandor has 200,000 descendants. 236 00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:29,069 Still far fewer than, uh, Genghis Khan. 237 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,538 Um, so we're gonna go visit one. 238 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,406 NANDOR: Her name is Madeline. 239 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,109 I'm going to float up to her window and see her. 240 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:39,546 Not going to introduce myself yet. 241 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,248 Don't want to frighten her. 242 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:44,952 I need you to be very supportive of me at this delicate moment. 243 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,854 Going to give her some gifts. 244 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,056 Got her a little teddy bear. 245 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,557 Ugh. You know what? 246 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,559 This isn't working, me being supportive. 247 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,562 I feel like I am literally eating myself. 248 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,563 Ugh! 249 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,598 It is time. 250 00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,634 * 251 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,943 Don't tap on the window. 252 00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:13,346 I see her. She's asleep. 253 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:14,882 How does she look, Master? 254 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,918 She looks a little older than I was anticipating. 255 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,553 That-That's what I was trying to tell you-- she's 94. 256 00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:23,223 -So young! (gasps) -COLIN: Don't tap on the window. 257 00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,893 She is stirring. I'm going to tap on the window. 258 00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:28,929 -No. -N-No, Master, don't tap on the window. 259 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,798 Madeline! 260 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,700 Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap! 261 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,434 -Oh, crap. -Wakey, wakey! 262 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,236 Ah. 263 00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,637 She's awake. 264 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:39,472 Come to me, my little one. 265 00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,709 Come, look, this is for you. 266 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,844 Your grandpappy is here. 267 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,378 Say hello. 268 00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:46,747 -This is... -(Madeline gasps) 269 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:47,748 (body thuds) 270 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,482 Oh, no. 271 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,186 I knew I shouldn't have tapped on her window, 272 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,255 but you goaded me. 273 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:58,025 If, by "goading," you mean my saying, 274 00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:00,928 "Under no circumstances should you tap on her window," 275 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,662 then, yes, I goaded you. 276 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,231 Yes, exactly. You see, 277 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,666 you are a goader, Guillermo is a goader. 278 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,770 You saw an opportunity to goad and what did you do? 279 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,172 -You goaded it. -Okay. 280 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,941 NANDOR: Guillermo! 281 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,943 What is this feeling 282 00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:17,610 I am feeling? 283 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,446 It's grief, Master! 284 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,514 Grief? 285 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,550 -(siren wailing) -I don't care for it. 286 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,519 Wait, wait. Nandor! 287 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,756 How am I supposed to get down, Nandor? 288 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:32,125 You goaded me, and now you got to take the stairs! 289 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,294 This is why you don't get attached to humans. 290 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,463 They don't last long. 291 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,365 It is like with my sweet Gregor. 292 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,001 He is reborn and then he dies. 293 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:44,671 And again and again and again. 294 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,540 And every time he comes back, our love is reignited 295 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,542 like a big ball of flames, 296 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,479 -and then he is brutally decapitated. -(yelling) 297 00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:54,647 Look at this one. 298 00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,817 Such a beautiful head of hair. 299 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,385 I like it when he's subservient, 300 00:11:58,418 --> 00:11:59,686 but not like this. 301 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,823 Hello! Num, num, num, num, num. 302 00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:06,860 * Gregor, you are the sweetest boy * 303 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,628 * Kid. * 304 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,531 (whispering): I have to be very careful in case Laszlo sees. 305 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,535 * My sweet Gregor * 306 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,971 * Gregor, can you hear me? * 307 00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,773 * Gregor, hear me * 308 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,309 * Singing this song * 309 00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:25,445 * Gregor, can you hear me? * 310 00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,580 -* Gregor, hear me * -Nadja. 311 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:30,217 -Nadja! Nadja! -* Singing this song... * 312 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,954 (yelling) 313 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,724 -(grunts) -(bones snap) 314 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,793 I'm Gregor! 315 00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,594 (grunts) 316 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:42,729 (keys jingle) 317 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,532 Nadja! 318 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,500 -(grunting) -(glass breaking) 319 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:48,635 Nadja? 320 00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,905 Nadja! 321 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,678 (car alarm chirps) 322 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:04,251 Hey! Hey! Goddamn it. Call the cops. 323 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,558 NADJA: Nandor has invited us to join him at the funeral 324 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,927 of his descendant Madeline. 325 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,795 -NADJA: Wait. It's in a church? -LASZLO: Oh, bloody hell. 326 00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,630 -Well, of course. It's a funeral. -But hang on. 327 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,867 It's night. Shouldn't there be no one in there? 328 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,568 I got it changed to later in the evening. 329 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,003 -Asshole. -How did you do that? 330 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,205 I... called in a bomb scare. 331 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,473 -I can't go in there. -No. 332 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,575 Do it for Madeline. 333 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,077 Look at the pictures on the glass. 334 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:32,279 It's the Jeebus man. (groans) 335 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,447 Thought of going in a church-- a church-- 336 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,283 makes me nervous to say the word. 337 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,485 I just... (guttural gagging) 338 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,420 You know, this... Not much scares me, 339 00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:41,788 but this... (guttural gagging) 340 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,356 She can go in. Why can't we? Look at... 341 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,992 -Because she's not a vampire! -Look at her. 342 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,793 I'm a vampire. I can go in. 343 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,497 Energy vampires have no problems going into places of worship. 344 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,365 We find it to be fertile feeding ground. 345 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,001 -No! Ooh! -NADJA: Wonderful, Colin. 346 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,435 Can you go in and pay our respects, 347 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:56,870 and we'll just stand here? 348 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,371 This is not about feeding ground. 349 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,407 This is about my great-great-great-great- 350 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,876 great-great- great-great-great-great- 351 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:06,379 great-great-granddaughter. Please. 352 00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,248 -(Nadja scoffs) -Please? 353 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,984 -(muttering) -Fuck it. Fine. 354 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,486 -Madeline. -Again, it's okay for me to go in. 355 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,955 I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine. 356 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,489 -NANDOR: Madeline. -NADJA: Laszlo. 357 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,459 -(organ playing somber music) -PRIEST: And it is with great sadness 358 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,394 and tremendous remorse 359 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,796 that we say goodbye to Madeline Darvish. 360 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,999 She did not have children of her own, 361 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,801 but many considered her a mother figure. 362 00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,037 -Please rise. -NADJA: Motherfucking rise. 363 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,871 -Then you rise. -You rise. 364 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,706 -I really appreciate you coming. -PRIEST: The Lord is my shepherd. 365 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,243 -I shall not want... -Nandor, we got to get out of here. 366 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,811 Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't know how much longer I can last. 367 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,914 -(group grunting) -(banging on pew) 368 00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:44,817 Nandor, my mascara is running because of the blood. 369 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,319 You look great. 370 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:47,720 -(groans) -I got to get out. 371 00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,156 -(grunting) -I can't do this. 372 00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:51,891 It is a lovely service, but I'm on fire. 373 00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,994 PRIEST: Your rod and your staff... 374 00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:55,595 -they comfort me. -Thank you for coming, Nadja. 375 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,998 Hey, I'm gonna go, too. I'd rather watch TV. 376 00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,667 Thank you, Colin Robinson. 377 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,735 And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 378 00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,504 -(gasps) -Please be seated. 379 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:05,738 (panting) 380 00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,007 Guillermo. 381 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,176 Guillermo, I'm on fire. Get some water. 382 00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:10,343 Water. (groans) 383 00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:12,212 Aah! 384 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,214 (congregation murmuring) 385 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,816 So sad. I... 386 00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,419 really miss her. 387 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,354 That was holy water, Guillermo. 388 00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:24,124 Are you trying to kill me? 389 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:25,558 She died too young. 390 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:26,926 PRIEST: If anyone 391 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,528 from the family would like 392 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,597 to say a few words, 393 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:33,333 -(hissing) -n-now would be a good time. 394 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:37,804 LASZLO: Good night, my darling. 395 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,506 Good night, my darling. 396 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,112 MAN (over radio): West on Jefferson Avenue, 397 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,047 got a late model red station wagon. 398 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,582 10-96. Escaped mental patient. 399 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,452 -So, my boy Sean... -Ca-caw! 400 00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,654 came to the corner store down on Eastern Parkway 401 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:57,024 to get some Twizzlers, but they only had a family size. 402 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,326 -Yo, shut up, shut up, look. -What, man? I'm telling a... 403 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,061 -Yo! Whoa! -TEEN 2: What the fu...? Dude, what? 404 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,895 Holy shit. Oh, my God. 405 00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,331 TEEN 1: Whoa! 406 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,133 -TEEN 2: Dude, holy... Yo... -(Jeff yelling) 407 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,801 -TEEN 1: Holy shit! Oh, my God. -TEEN 2: Oh! Look at that! 408 00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:10,970 -TEEN 1: Look at that. -TEEN 2: Holy shit. 409 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,405 Nadja! 410 00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,640 -TEEN 1: Are you okay? -TEEN 2: Holy shit. 411 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,708 Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo. 412 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,144 -TEEN 1: Hey, hey, hey. -TEEN 2: Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 413 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,878 -TEEN 1: Oh! -TEEN 2: Oh, my God. 414 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,381 Nadja! 415 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,016 TEEN 1: That's not-that's not yours. Hey! -TEEN 2: Dude! 416 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:25,152 TEEN 1: Hey, hey, hey, hey. 417 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,920 -(teens shouting indistinctly) -(siren wails) 418 00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:29,456 -TEEN 1: Yo, yo, yo, yo. -TEEN 2: Stop! 419 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,990 JEFF (in distance): Nadja?! 420 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,994 Nadja! 421 00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,098 Nadja! 422 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,432 Shit. 423 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,702 JEFF: Nadja! 424 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,171 -Jesk? -Nadja. 425 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,972 -Oh... -My Nadja. I heard your call. 426 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,608 -Shh. -My destiny has brought me here, 427 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,111 -and it is to be with you. -Oh. 428 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:53,613 Jesk, uh, you-you shouldn't be here. 429 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,014 -My husband lives here. -Husband? 430 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,217 And he is very big, wide man, 431 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:58,985 -and he loves to bite. -I don't give a shit. 432 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,853 -He loves to bite... -Our destiny cannot be denied. 433 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,357 -Who's this, my darling? -Well... Oh... 434 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,193 A gentleman caller? 435 00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,395 Uh, no. This is just my friend from the park. 436 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,996 We're having a quick catch-up. 437 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,265 I am here for Nadja. 438 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,968 Nadja... is my wife. 439 00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:18,471 I should cut your head off. 440 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,573 Oh, L-Laszlo, you don't need to do that. 441 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:23,376 I always have. (chuckles) 442 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:24,377 -Wait, what? -What? 443 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,378 I know who you are. 444 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,714 Outward appearance may have changed. 445 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,382 The pattern remains the same. 446 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,784 You get reborn, you try and find her, 447 00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,221 and I cut your head off. 448 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,156 (Nadja gasps) 449 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,558 -(flesh squishes) -(man screams) 450 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,593 -Oh, shit. -(chuckling) 451 00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,497 When I was a street thief? 452 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,199 I had the cleaver in my hand. 453 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,000 -(man screams) -(flesh squishes) 454 00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,402 When I was a naval officer? 455 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,937 I was on board that ship with a cutlass. 456 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,539 -(man screams, knife scrapes) -JEFF: When I was atop 457 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,873 -that horse in the battlefield in... -Yeah, yeah. 458 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,542 -That was me. -(horse neighing) 459 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,576 The Amazon explorer? 460 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,345 Guess who tipped off the natives. 461 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,247 -When I was a mouse? -I was a cat. -(cat growls) 462 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,914 When he was a washer woman? 463 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:04,384 -We can do this all night. -Really? 464 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,453 -You're an evil genius. -My darling, 465 00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,489 every time doughboy turns up, you start crying. 466 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,891 Now, I'm not having that. 467 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,927 You're my sweet baby, and I'm here to stop that kind of jive. 468 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:17,597 Aw. Crazy knight in... 469 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,032 shining black coat. (chuckles) 470 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,401 Oh, Laszlo. 471 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,436 JEFF: Well, this is fucked up. 472 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,904 -Should we get on with it? -No. No. 473 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,874 Let him have at least one full life, my darling. 474 00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:29,176 Is this what you want? 475 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,110 Why... y-yes. 476 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,746 I suggest you fuck off 477 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,082 and never darken our doorstep again. 478 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,852 My wife has everything she needs with me. Is that understood? 479 00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:42,689 -Goodbye. -(chuckles) 480 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,224 May-Maybe I'll see you in the next life. 481 00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,058 -Yeah, maybe you won't. -Oh, okay. All right. 482 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,427 All right, all right. I'm going. 483 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,896 -May-Maybe you will. -Mm-hmm. 484 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:54,100 Now, my darling. I've created something for you. 485 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,935 Here's your surprise. 486 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,905 (gasps, chuckles) It's me. 487 00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,907 -It is the most beautiful thing -That's it. 488 00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,310 -my eyes has ever witnessed. -I'm out of here. 489 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,911 Farewell, my love... (grunts) 490 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,246 -LASZLO: Ooh! -(Nadja gasps) 491 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,481 -Bloody not. -Laszlo, what the 492 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,683 -fucking hell have you done?! -No, no, no, no, my darling. 493 00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:12,252 I swear, that had nothing to do with me. 494 00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:13,653 NADJA: Aw. Ew. 495 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:16,723 I'll leave you some time alone with... 496 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,157 whatever his name is. 497 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,428 Oh, Gregor, 498 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,631 thank you for all the lovely times, and I'll see you soon. 499 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,408 NANDOR: Guillermo? 500 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,577 -Yes, Master? -You all right? 501 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,111 I'm just tired, Master. 502 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,747 You sure? 503 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:43,550 Yes, I'm sure. Time for bed. 504 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:47,153 What was the results of your ancestry test? 505 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,357 * Gliding side by side... * 506 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:53,960 Just... stereotypical... Mexican. 507 00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,529 -Piñata farmers. -Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm. 508 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,531 There's nothing to be ashamed of. 509 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,533 People love piñatas. 510 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,636 Someone's got to breed those colorful donkeys. 511 00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,605 Thank you, Master. 512 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:08,608 * Underneath the moon... * 513 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:12,178 Thank you for helping me tonight on my saddest night. 514 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,114 Even though you did throw holy water onto me! 515 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:18,285 Do you remember that?! It really burned! 516 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,152 -Sorry. -Why would you do that?! 517 00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:22,188 Outrageous! 518 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,156 Aah, my burns! 519 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:27,193 From the holy water that you threw on me. 520 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,629 That is one demerit point for you, 521 00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,465 and one more year as my familiar. 522 00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,166 Good night. 523 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,503 * Underneath the silvery moon... * 524 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,905 -Guillermo? -Hmm? 525 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:41,341 You're having a serious thought? 526 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:42,909 No. 527 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,712 Oh, yeah, you probably weren't. 528 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,380 Good night. 529 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,116 Good night, Master. 530 00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:56,022 * Underneath the moon with shadows creeping * 531 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,690 * Underneath the silvery moon * 532 00:20:57,724 --> 00:21:01,894 * Making love while all the world is sleeping * 533 00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,230 * Making love while the world sleeps * 534 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,133 -* Come along, my dear * -* Come along, my dear * 535 00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:10,503 -* I am waiting here * -* I am waiting here * 536 00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:13,673 * Waiting underneath * 537 00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:16,242 -* The * -(shudders) 538 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,311 * Moon. * 539 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,650 ("Holy Water" by Struggle Jennings playing) 540 00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:28,788 (chuckling in song) 541 00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,590 (crows cawing) 542 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:33,292 * Yo, let me get two rounds * 543 00:21:35,194 --> 00:21:37,797 -* Shaolin, the warriors' home * -* Yeah * 544 00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:39,799 * Used to love the street, euphoria's gone * 545 00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:42,201 * Crack dealer, sorcerer's stone * 546 00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:43,903 * See, my son, he was born as a clone * 547 00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:45,738 * Take a seat at the throne * 548 00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:47,740 * Elvis left the building, eagle has flown * 549 00:21:47,774 --> 00:21:49,909 * I've been mindin' my own, so just leave me alone * 550 00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:52,512 * This is the season of gods, I'm-a even the odds * 551 00:21:52,545 --> 00:21:54,781 * You can read between the lines 'cause I'm speakin' in psalms * 552 00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:58,284 * Oh, oh, take a shot of that holy water * 553 00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,820 * Ha, have a talk with the Holy Father * 554 00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,589 * I know that you hear me, I hope you forgive me * 555 00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,290 * 'Cause tonight I'm pressin' hard * 556 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,725 * With all the strength that you give me * 557 00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:07,360 * Ah! * 558 00:22:07,394 --> 00:22:10,196 (laughing) 559 00:22:17,203 --> 00:22:19,205 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 560 00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:23,843 -We are not going off on some-- -Wild goose chase. 561 00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:24,944 -Who's in? -(agreeing) 562 00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:26,546 (shouting) 563 00:22:26,646 --> 00:22:29,782 We're stuck inside a space nautilus, between his colon and his cloaca. 564 00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:30,850 What's a cloaca? 565 00:22:30,883 --> 00:22:32,819 It's an organ that's used for excretion 566 00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:34,320 and also intercourse. 567 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:35,522 (chuckling) Smart. 568 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,424 ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999. 569 00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:40,226 All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX. 570 00:22:41,461 --> 00:22:42,795 (record static) 571 00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:46,298 (hip-hop beat) 572 00:22:50,570 --> 00:22:52,472 (rapid drumming) 573 00:22:52,505 --> 00:22:56,108 (beat resumes) 574 00:22:57,444 --> 00:22:59,412 -Can I borrow your car? -Sorry, Chip, 575 00:22:59,512 --> 00:23:02,081 but I have to drive my mom around for the next few days. 576 00:23:02,181 --> 00:23:04,316 She just had cataract surgery. 577 00:23:04,350 --> 00:23:06,653 I can smell whoever's there. 578 00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:09,021 ANNOUNCER: Baskets. 579 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:12,091 Season premiere, Thursday, June 13 on FX. 580 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,862 How does it work? Your power? 581 00:23:16,796 --> 00:23:17,797 (clicks) 582 00:23:18,865 --> 00:23:20,066 WOMAN: It's a place I go. 583 00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:22,569 It looks like a hallway 584 00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,671 with all these doors. 585 00:23:26,038 --> 00:23:27,707 It moves in two directions. 586 00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:29,442 One way... (echoes) 587 00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:30,977 is the past. (echoes) 588 00:23:32,612 --> 00:23:34,481 -The other way-- -(gunshot) 589 00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:36,348 ...is the future. (echoes) 590 00:23:38,050 --> 00:23:39,285 Show me. 41931

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