All language subtitles for WhatE09

(sitar music playing)

ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.

[bats squeal]

*

NANDOR:
Our home has been selected

to host

the bi-annual vampire orgy.

NADJA:
One time they tried
going triannual.

Which is bloody pointless,
'cause it takes me

at least six months
to recover from any orgy.

Yes, it does.

We're gonna have some fun.

NANDOR:
Vampire sex is like pizza,

in that even when
it's bad it's good.

It's designed to be enjoyed
by eight or more people.

There's a choice of toppings.

And in the morning, you're like,

"Aah! Why do I have
puncture wounds

on my penis?"

LASZLO:
Vampire sex is a carnival
of desires.

With pale bodies
as far as the eye can see.

Fornicating, diddling,
widdling, snarling.

An amazing experience

that can last years.

It's fine.

("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

* Don't sing if you want
to live long *

* They have no use
for your song *

* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *

* You're dead
and out of this world *

* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *

* You sold out your dream
to the world *

* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *

* You're dead
and out of this world. *

*

-So we need the blood fountain.
-Okay, blood fountain.

And some real, pure opium.
About ten kilos.

Where would I find that?

LASZLO: We need some
sexy paintings for the walls.

NADJA: I was thinking
we replace this picture of us

with that lovely one
where we were naked

-and we have cherries
in our bums.
-Yeah.

Can we get some sort
of protective spray

to put all over the carpet?

Because Laszlo will spray
all over the carpet.

LASZLO:
What you don't understand is

the stigma attached
to throwing a poor orgy.

I mean, I've known people
who have committed suicide

after a poor orgy.

I wouldn't go that far.

I would kill you, though.

And then I'd kill myself.

There's no recovery
from that humiliation.

I don't like to even speak
of it, but the notorious orgy

-of 1937, well...
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't even say the year.

It was a lot of just
very terrible chitchat.

I cannot even speak the name
of the vampire

that organized that monstrosity.

I don't give a fuck.
His name was Mike.

Fucking Mike.
(groans)

Oh, and we need an ancient
Burmese lingam and yoni set.

To be safe, get six.

Nadja, Laszlo, please.

Guillermo is my familiar,

only I can order him about.

Thank you, master.

Is there anything you need?

All the things they just said.

And absorbent towels.
Lots of them.

(gasps)
I almost forgot.

Most important,
we must, must, must

get a succulent virgin feast.

Well, about that--
I've been meaning to tell you,

I seem to have,
uh, overfished that...

-Did you write down the towels?
-Yes.

You need to re-cover
that chaise longue.

'Cause I'll ejaculate
straight through that.

My only concern
about the orgy is, uh,

that people won't enjoy my room.

I've n-I've never
had anyone in here.

I have a strobe light up.

And a couple speakers
playing, uh,

some acid jazz.

What else?
I have my, uh,

my trusty filing cabinet.

I always wanted one of these

when I was a child
but never got one.

It was one of my first
purchases.

I also stocked up
on some Neosporin.

I have some paintings,
some pictures.

I got this one
because it shows human food,

and if I ever
have a human in here,

they'll feel at home.

Uh, I found it at a Holiday Inn.

I-I'm-I'm really
getting into it.

NADJA:
Obviously, the orgy standard

of having a mirrored ceiling

doesn't really work
for vampires,

so we have developed
our own way.

I don't... I... I don't know
what you want me to say.

NANDOR:
Just describe what you see.

GUILLERMO:
Um...

Well, it's a beautiful scene.
Someone is seductively riding,

uh, a candlestick up and down.

Someone's on the couch
sucking and getting sucked.

-NADJA: Louder!
-Sucking and...

Oh, geez...

No. I will not

be participating
in the orgy, no.

Besides, I-I don't, uh,
I don't kiss and tell.

But I can tell you,
(chuckles)

is that, uh...

I don't kiss.

NADJA:
We need specifics.

What am I doing
to my ass cheeks?

You are, uh,
you're licking it...

Can you just describe
what you see? It's not hard.

-Good boy, that's right.
-(groaning)
-Must be my birthday.

-(megaphone alarm chirps)
-I can't. I'm sorry.
I was raised very Catholic.

-I need... I need a second.
-NADJA: Okay.

-En garde, there.
-GUILLERMO: It's just a lot
of demanding things.

I mean, I'm not even,
technically, their familiar.

They've just been asking me
to do all kinds of stuff.

It's a pleasure swing,
you fucknut, not a sex net.

That's the sex net.
Get that out of the box

-and attach it to the ceiling.
-GUILLERMO: "Gizmo,

get the dildos."

"Gizmo, try out the dildos."

"Mmm. How were the dildos?"

They're fine.

No one is a fucknut, okay?

He's trying to finish it,
Laszlo.

And what about the virgins?
Have you got any yet? No.

-Of course you haven't.
-Um, but I'm just trying...

"But, but, but." You're like
a nonstop but machine. (gasps)

That reminds me,
have you ordered

-the nonstop butt machine?
-You know what?!

I'm gonna take five minutes

before I say something
I'm gonna regret.

-Oh!
-Easy there.

Eh... Slam the door.

You gonna let him
get away with that?

He's gone,
he's gotten away with it.

And it is unacceptable.

(exhales)
I will talk to him.

-*
-(knocking on door)

-NANDOR: Knock, knock.
-Oh. Good evening, master.

-Is there something you need?
-No, no.

Just coming in for a chat.

-(exhales)
-(grunts)

I noticed that Nadja and Laszlo

have been quite pushy with you
with all the orgy planning.

-Oh, it's okay,
it's not a big deal, master.
-No, it is a big deal.

And they locked you
in this closet?

This is my room.

I pay $1,200 a month.

Oh.

If I find I am in a situation

where an idiot
is complaining to me,

you can either kill them

or you can pretend
to listening to them.

So what you're saying is that

your feelings have been hurt.

Well, kinda.

Talk about that.

Oh, okay. Um... Well,

-I just feel that sometimes...
-Yes, yes.

I feel that I have...
People aren't listening to me

-when I speak.
-Yes, yes, tell me more.

And they just tell me "yes,"
and they don't really listen

-to what I'm saying.
-Yes. Really speak
from the heart.

When I speak from the heart,
I feel like no one's really...

And now that bit is done.

Orgy stuff. A few of my
favorite things, as they say.

The cat o' nine tails.

Oliver Cromwell's head.

My codpiece.
Bat codpiece.

200-year-old peekaboo cape,

the idea being
you walk into the orgy,

you announce yourself...

and then do that.

Oh!

Oh, yes!

You wait till my good lady wife
sees this.

In the late 1800s,

a new and exciting medium
was invented,

and that medium
was called "cinema."

And then, about a week later,

that developed into pornos.

Now, the first porno film
I ever made

was called The Adventures
of a Very Randy Vampire.

And I played the leading role

of the very randy vampire.

I was cast
because they thought

that I looked like a vampire,

never once realizing

that I was a fucking vampire.

I took part in thousands

of pornos over the years.

If you see them now,

they are still
very, very erotic.

(old-timey piano music playing)

My darling,
I have found something

that will have our orgy
talked about for centuries.

Just put it on the pile, Laszlo.

All right there, Constantin?

(growls softly)

Ooh.

-Oops.
-What is that?

I really have no idea.

Perhaps we should watch it.

(groans)

You don't like
the Christmas section?

-(groans) Don't say that word.
-Sorry.

GUILLERMO:
We are still looking
for virgins, yes,

but my master thought it'd be
best to get decorations first,

which makes sense,
because, uh...

Well, it just...
It makes sense.

So, for this chocolate fountain,

you can put other stuff,
I'm assuming...

-I mean...
-...that's thicker
than chocolate?

What's thicker than chocolate?

Did you ask
about the jade buttock eggs?

No, I did not.

-Butter cakes?
-Buttock eggs

made from jade
that you put inside your butt.

I don't think they have them.

I'd have to check on that,
for sure.

-They don't have to be made
of jade.
-I haven't seen it.

They can be made of anything.

But not silver,

because, you know,
otherwise, ouch.

-He's joking.
-There's a silver egg
in my butt.

Did you carry them?

We do mostly, like,
loot bags for kids.

I don't think-I don't think
they have them.

I'm very happy that my master's
gonna help me find a virgin,

'cause it is slim pickings

out here in these streets.
(chuckles)

The Christian college chastity
club seemed promising until

I found out
that most of them had a...

different definition of "virgin"
than the common one.

Believe it or not, CrossFit
gyms are full of virgins.

No one's touched them,
and the reason being

is because they won't shut up
about CrossFit.

If you saw a man

dressed in this mask,

would you think
it was a mood killer

or would you come?

I'm not sure.

(inhales)

Wait, wait, wait.

Look at that man, Guillermo.

(exhales)

He looks delicious.

He has to be a virgin.

I don't think he's a virgin.
We should just probably

-keep shopping...
-He is a virgin.

Guillermo!

-Hey! Jeremy!
-(chuckles)

-Is that...
I thought it was you.
-It was me, yeah.

-Yeah.
-(chuckles)
Where have you been lately?

We've been having some
hella crazy Fortnite sessions.

Hasn't been as fun
without old GuillermoGoth2000.

-Oh, shit. No, my...
(clears throat)
-Did you-did you change

-your gamertag? You can tell me.
-No, no.

-Work stuff. It's...
My boss just keeps,
-I'm so sorry.

-you know, riding me.
-Uh-huh.

-You know, it was good talking
to you though.
-Yeah.

So, take care.
I'll see you, okay?

You having a party or something?

No.

Yes.

Yes, we are having a party,

and we'd very much love
to extend an invitation.

No, I don't think
Jeremy and his girlfriend

would, uh, want to come
to a lame party.

-It's just...
-I don't...

I don't have a girlfriend.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, you're...

-Yeah.
-No, that was a catfish.

Jeremy is definitely a virgin.
I mean, big-time.

But, um... he's also my friend.

-Yeah.
-There was a girl though, right?

-Oh. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Oh, I just started seeing
this woman.

-There you go.
-Yeah. (chuckles)

Yeah, I thought so.

-So...
-It's for my nosebleeds.

-Geez, Jeremy. God.
-It's not going well. (chuckles)

But, you know, once I
finally have that under control,

-maybe I'll finally
meet someone.
-Ah. (chuckles)

-(laughs, groans)
-Oh, boy.

-(groans)
-Oh, boy.

Okay. Oops.
(chuckles)

-Yeah, that's a nosebleed.
(chuckles)
-Yeah.

Just gonna go find
some more tissues,

'cause this one's gonna be full
any second. (laughs)

-Just go. Just get out of here.
-Yeah, okay.

Nice to meet you. Hey.

-Just go, Jeremy. Just go.
-Yeah, okay.

(exhales, sniffing)

-(grunts)
-GUILLERMO:
You know, I like to keep

my personal life
and my work life separate.

I don't want them to cross over.

Makes it easier
when you find someone

that you're gonna sacri...

Yeah.

NANDOR:
Mmm.

(sighs) That is some of the most
virginal blood I've ever tasted.

(sniffs, exhales)

We must have him.

GUILLERMO:
It's gonna be a tough one.

(upbeat piano music playing)

There's a man
who enjoys his work.

This was banned for 60 years.

*

-FLAPPER: Zounds! I'm indecent!
-(grunting)

LASZLO:
Time to 23 skidoo.

Or should I say "69 skidoo"?

DOMINATRIX: Let's see State
College win their big game

without their star quarterback.

-(grunts)
-(gasps)

DOMINATRIX:
How can I ever
make it up to you?

-(big band music playing)
-(dominatrix moaning)
-LASZLO: Oh, yeah.

Be-Bop-A-Lube-a, yeah.

I'm about to launch a Sputnik.

NADJA:
There is nothing
more devastating

than finding out
your husband has made porn

and it's so bloody boring.

(whirring)

MAN:
So, how old are you?

-267.
-(chuckles)

I joke.

I'm 18.

Have you ever been
with a man before?

And how would you like me
to answer that, Philip?

No.

You'll never guess
where this is going.

Then the answer's no.

-(funky music playing)
-(Laszlo grunting)

NADJA:
The only thing those videos
were good for

was for putting crying babies
to sleep.

-(slap bass theme playing)
-And now the 1990s.

Could it be any sexier?

Where have you been?
I paged you over an hour ago.

Who are these people
who are always paging?

And what's the deal
with pagers?

BLONDE:
Shut up and get over here.

LASZLO:
Mm. Yep.

This is exactly what I want
to be doing right now.

Laszlo, darling,
I just think your work,

as stimulating as it is,

it is not quite right
for our orgy.

It-It's like erotica
for churchgoers.

Even Vampire Tricked
in Steam Room?

That one didn't even make
any sense.

I mean, how could we see
what you were doing

but you couldn't?

No, no, no, no. You've
misunderstood it, my darling.

What happens in that is
I'm sat there,

surrounded, I think,
by women.

The steam subsides,

and I realize I'm
actually surrounded by chaps.

But I enjoy it.

Well, I got that bit.

I just think...

it's boring.

Boring?

*

You think it's all boring?

I shall be in our bedchamber.

Oh, Laszlo.

No, no.

She said
that my pornos were boring,

which is
an unbelievable reaction.

I showed her a century's worth

of my pornos.

That's a lot of porn.

I don't think
she followed the plots.

(phone beeps)

Hey, Jeremy.
Sorry I'm calling you so late.

Jeremy and I go way back.

We've been friends,
um, since high school.

What are you doing tonight?

We were really just attached

at the hip. Not by choice,

but because they would
literally, um, use hot glue.

I invited Jeremy to the party.

No, just yourself.

Oh, I think they got
all the drinks covered.

Yeah, I feel bad.

You know what,
I'm doing whatever it takes

to become a vampire.

MAN:
Oh. Sorry.

Somebody told me
this was a closet.

It's going to be
an amazing orgy.

Over here, we have a sculpture
which depicts

the moment
that my parents conceived me.

In here, we have
the fluffers' chill-out area.

Here we have the traditional
animal fur laden with rings.

Not for your fingers.

Electric chair role-play.

"What are your last words?"

"I want to have sex."

-Laszlo, what is going on?
-I'm not coming.

What are you doing?
What is this?

Are you role-playing
as a depressed man?

It's not not working.

I'm not coming to the orgy.

-I'm not in the mood.
-What?

Is this because I said
your porno was terrible?

The pornos were superb.

Have you any idea how difficult
it is to make a porno?

Laszlo, do you want our orgy
to fall apart

and for our good vampire names
to go down in history

with he whose name
that we never say the name of?

-You mean Mike?
-Yes, fucking Mike!

To be honest with you,
I couldn't care less.

-Good night.
-Laszlo, don't you dare
go back in there.

No, I'm not coming.
Let go of the lid.

Yes, I suppose
I am a little bit stressed.

(shouts)

To throw a bad vampire orgy,

I don't know
how one would recover.

Half the bats you see,
they are just vampires

that have thrown
terrible orgies,

and they are too ashamed

to regain their vampire form.

They just flit around.
Shame bats.

Bats full of shame.

And you know them,

'cause they don't fly as high.

(indistinct chatter)

-Jiang Shi!
-Nadja!

-Chinese jumping vampire.
-(Jiang Shi chuckles)

(playful growling)

(both laugh)

-Brought my cousin.
-Is he a Babadook?

No, actually, I'm a Badabook.

You know, like, uh,
bada-bing, Badabook.

-Hey-oh! Ah!
-(Nadja chuckles)

(indistinct chatter)

(growls)

And I don't believe
for one minute

that the raccoon actually solved
the Rubik's Cube

that it was given in the video
because there are clearly cuts

in the video,
but it was darling.

-VAMPIRE: Such a doll.
-VAMPIRE 2: Really?

VAMPIRE 1:
Yeah.

-No, not when I...
-Sorry.

Um, and, uh, who are you?

Oh. Uh, hi. I'm Jeremy.

I brought mochi ice cream.

Is there a place
that I can put my backpack?

Everyone, the virgin is here!

-(laughs)
-(vampires cheer)

Jeremy's here. He just got here,

and, uh, all the vampires' eyes
just lit up

when he came in.

(vampires hissing)

I think I did a good job
as a familiar.

Yeah.

Maybe not so much as a friend.

-Guillermo, hey.
-(hissing continues)

This is a great party.

Everyone's really friendly. Hi.

-Yeah, what did you bring?
-I brought mochi.

I thought maybe people
would eat that.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-(Jeremy chuckles)

They're gonna tear him apart.

I'm here!

The life of the orgy
has arrived.

Bit stiff.

I've done a bad thing.

I just brought my friend
to a house full of vampires.

I brought my virgin friend
into a house full of vampires.

Is it hot in here? (chuckles)

-MR. '50s: Hey.
-(gasps)

Mr. '50s, you made it.

Yeesh.

Well, you could argue,
though, that all you need

-is a cell phone.
-(bullhorn turns on)

Listen. Listen, stop talking.

-Oh, no.
-Listen, my name is Laszlo,

and I was not going to come
to this orgy this evening

-because my heart was in pain.
-VAMPIRE: Who cares?

VAMPIRE 2:
Yes! Vampire Tricked
in Steam Room!

Yes, it is me.

-(vampire 2 whoops)
-(mouthing)
-Anyway,

I put my heavy heart to one side

for the love
of my good lady wife Nadja.

-VAMPIRE 3: Ugh.
-Recently,

I was watching all
of my porno films,

which are sexy and a turn-on.

But they lack one thing
and one important thing.

-And that one thing is love.
-(mouthing)

-(vampires groaning)
-The love I share

for my good lady wife Nadja.

What say we conduct
our own orgy upstairs?

-A two-person orgy.
-VAMPIRE 4: What?

Here's to love and making love!

What a boner killer.

And I thought
Mike threw a bad orgy.

-VAMPIRE 5:
I think I'm going to take off.
-NADJA: N-No, no.

Wait, wait. No, wait, everyone.
No, no, wait!

'Cause we haven't had
the best part yet.

(whispering):
I did a terrible thing.

I just killed my friend.
Oh, God.

I brought my v-virgin friend

into a house full of vampires.
(gasps)

Oh, God,
they're gonna rip him apart.

Guess what.
There is the most gorgeous...

I got to help him.

...nosebleedy, asthma-suffering,

-uh, doesn't clean his sheets...
-Jeremy!

...mouth-breathing virgin!

-(both panting)
-(vampires groan)

GUILLERMO:
Jeremy, you have to leave.

-They're all vamp...
-JEREMY: Guillermo.

This party's awesome!

I, uh, I...

Is this the way out?

Well...

looks like, uh,
Jeremy's not a virgin anymore.

-(Constantin grunting)
-(indistinct chatter)

So, sorry about that, gang.

This orgy didn't count.

Don't tell your friends
it was a bad orgy.

COLIN:
So, uh...

just us three, then?

(Jeremy chuckles)

Okay, these are both good.

I'm just going to check up
on Laszlo.

Poor guy.

I don't think Nadja will let him
forget about this one.

-Laszlo.
-(knocks on door)

(bats screeching)

(chuckles)

("Super Good" by Leningrad
playing)

(man singing in Russian)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

-(drumbeat)
-(clapping)

Fosse/Verdon.

All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

ANNOUNCER: In space,
no one can hear you sc--

(all screaming)

What is with all the shouting?

-Are we hosting
a quinceañera?
-(gasps)

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

Premieres Wednesday, May 29
on FXX.

(record static)

(hip-hop beat)

(rapid drumming)

(beat resumes)

-WOMAN 1: I heard he's a savior.
-WOMAN 2: I heard he's a mutant.

-He's a god.
-Hi, Alice.

I help people open
their minds.

-Is this a cult?
-Ticktock, little birdie.

-I'm a good person.
-You end the world.

-Why do you need
to time travel?
-It's about saving lives.

Starting with mine.

(screams)

MAN: How do you surprise someone

who can go back in time
and warn himself?