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ANNOUNCER: In space,
no one can hear you sc--
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00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:06,340
(all screaming)
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00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,076
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
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00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:10,744
Premieres Wednesday, May 29
on FXX.
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00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,849
ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.
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00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:16,884
[bats squeal]
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*
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NADJA:
I have given a strange girl
the most beautiful gift--
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00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:28,096
the gift of becoming a vampiric
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00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:31,065
bloodsucking creature
of the shadows.
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00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,400
Did you see that?
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00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,667
NADJA:
She has not yet blossomed
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00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,537
into her full vampiric state,
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but I think she is on her way.
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(quietly): Oh, what the hell
is happening to me?
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(takes deep breath)
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00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,578
JENNA:
Sorry if I don't
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00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:47,181
seem up to my normal self.
I just...
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00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:49,450
I've just been
going through changes.
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00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:50,884
(hissing)
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00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,621
Having crazy dreams.
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00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:54,988
Like, super weird.
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My friends have noticed.
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(grunts)
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Mood swings.
Unusual cravings.
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00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:07,735
-(creature squeals)
-(hisses)
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00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,970
I'm usually a flexatarian.
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00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,206
Who else?
Michelangelo Buonarroti.
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-(hissing)
-Michelangelo...
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JENNA:
I've developed
an eye sensitivity
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and skin sensitivity.
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-And sometimes...
-(whimpering)
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sometimes I have this urge
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to tear my roommate to shreds.
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("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
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* Don't sing if you want
to live long *
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* They have no use
for your song *
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* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *
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* You're dead
and out of this world *
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* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *
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* You sold out your dream
to the world *
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* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *
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* You're dead
and out of this world. *
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*
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NANDOR: Thank you all for
coming to this house meeting.
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00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:09,029
I must remind everyone that
if you are gonna entice a victim
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00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:12,132
into the house
and then you let them live,
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show them out.
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-Loud and clear.
-Fair enough.
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00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:15,869
-It's common courtesy.
-NADJA: All right. Yes.
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00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,371
-It is.
-It is.
-Also,
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00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:20,007
is it possible,
for when you leave the house,
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00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,043
to blow out the candles?
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Observe. (blows)
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Simple as that.
Major catastrophe
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-averted.
-LASZLO: What is that
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00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,286
disgusting, putrefied smell?
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00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,555
Like a... snake in heat?
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00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,023
That may be me.
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00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:39,393
I'm wearing a new cologne called
"Mr. Hijinks."
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-NANDOR: Okay, great. I am...
-Aftershave?
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COLIN:
It's a cologne-aftershave mix
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00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,333
-and I found it
in the bathroom at work.
-NANDOR: Eh, great.
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00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,535
Can we just not talk about
the cologne anymore, please?
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00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,036
-Why would you use a cologne?
-NANDOR: Shush!
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00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:50,103
To annoy you.
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00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:52,540
-Touché.
-NANDOR: Please,
I am speaking here!
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00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,075
And when I was the leader
of my country,
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00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:58,178
I would kill anyone
who disrespected me
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00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,847
when I'm talking about candles.
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00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,716
You were the leader
of a country?
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00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:06,587
Yes. I was the leader
of Al Quolanudar.
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00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:09,223
That sounds like
you just made it up.
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00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,024
-COLIN: Sounds fake.
-No, I have not just made it up.
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00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,693
It's a real country.
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00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,362
It's not a fake country,
it's a real country.
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Al Quolanudar.
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00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:17,698
-Bless you.
-NANDOR: Guillermo, go on your
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00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:20,668
intelligent telephone machine
and l-look it up.
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00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,702
GUILLERMO:
Spell that A...
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00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:22,870
-A-L. New word.
-Uh-huh.
82
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,505
-I've got it.
-NANDOR: Oh, great!
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00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,206
Uh, how-how's it doing?
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00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,842
Not so hot.
It's dissolved.
85
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,580
-Wha... When did this happen?
-1401.
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00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,848
(whimpers)
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00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,517
NANDOR:
To find out that your country
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00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:39,687
has not existed since 1401
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00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,389
is a pretty sudden shock.
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00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,392
It was my home.
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00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:47,194
Yes, I was driven out
for pillaging
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00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,298
and killing and torturing,
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00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,401
and that's fair enough, really.
But now what do I have?
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00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:58,005
Nowhere is my home.
95
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:01,909
Aah!
(hissing)
96
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,344
(sucks teeth)
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00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,046
NADJA:
It is very disgusting for me to
see this little one like this.
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00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,247
She is like a disabled,
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00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,249
very sickly donkey
100
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:12,252
that you want to smash
in the skull because it is just
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00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,054
too pitiful to look at.
102
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,456
Eh, I suppose I was not
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00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:16,890
much different when I first
became a vampire.
104
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,426
No one had had
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00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,462
"the talk" with me
about my unholy transition.
106
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:24,164
I had had no one to guide me.
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00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:27,968
(hissing)
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00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,803
(groans)
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00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,272
This is a bag of soil
from my homeland
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that I take with me
when I travel.
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00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:37,578
'Tis all that is left
of Al Quolanudar.
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00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,113
Al Quolanudar!
113
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,816
Al Quolanudar... Shit.
114
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,623
(car alarm chirps)
115
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,425
(growling)
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00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:52,526
Oh, my God!
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00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:54,995
Forget it.
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00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,464
What?
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00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,031
You are released.
120
00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,967
I'm not hungry.
121
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,769
It's just...
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00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:05,105
I just found out that my country
doesn't exist anymore
123
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,940
and I'm really depressed
about it.
124
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,642
And I've lost my appetite.
125
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:10,344
You don't want to hear
about all this.
126
00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:12,780
-Y-You were running away.
-W...
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00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,682
Are you okay?
128
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,050
It's kind of you to ask,
but really, you go.
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00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,152
Flee. Flee!
130
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,892
Master, are you all right?
131
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:28,829
I have no country.
I have no home.
132
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,999
What? No, this is your home.
133
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,901
And this is your country.
134
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,504
No, it's not and it's not.
135
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,272
Well, maybe you'd feel better
if you were an American citizen?
136
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,010
-Is that possible?
-Of course.
137
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,145
Yes.
138
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:48,516
I will make an alliance
with this unholy nation
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00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,984
and make this place my home!
140
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,085
There you go.
141
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,253
I think that's a bus stop there.
142
00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:55,288
I'll see you back at home.
143
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,859
(squeaking)
144
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,830
Yeah, it's become
pretty clear to me
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00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:06,099
-that I'm turning
into a vampire.
-I bit your neck.
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00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,902
I made you drink my blood.
What did you think I was doing?
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00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:12,773
I don't know. I-I just didn't
think vampires existed and...
148
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:16,710
(scoffs) You are giving me
sarcasm? (laughs)
149
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,246
I-I enjoy.
(laughs)
150
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:21,749
Am I gonna feel like crap
for all eternity?
151
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:25,686
Darling, you feel like crap
because you are eating crap.
152
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,255
You are living
like a little chimney boy.
153
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:31,525
If you want to be a powerful,
strong vampire,
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00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,961
you just have to complete
your transition.
155
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,797
-How do I do that?
-Darling, it's nothing. You just
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00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,232
got to drink
some human blood, baby.
157
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:43,270
That's all. I am going
to teach you how to kill.
158
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,305
Okay, is there any way I could
just drink their blood,
159
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:47,775
-but not kill them?
-Shh.
160
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:51,178
-You just shut up now,
my stupid little baby.
-Okay.
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00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,249
GUILLERMO:
So I promised
to help my master
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00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:59,052
-apply for citizenship.
-NANDOR: Yes?
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00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,054
Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.
164
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,457
I called Immigration, and
165
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,159
you are eligible
for citizenship.
166
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,561
-You actually
started the process,
-Great.
167
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,129
but you didn't finish.
168
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,163
I didn't?
169
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,265
No. 1992.
170
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:14,635
I did apply
for my American citizenship
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00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:16,837
back in 1992.
172
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,973
For five reasons
and five reasons only:
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00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:24,778
Johnson, Jordan,
Bird, Barkley, Ewing.
174
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:27,447
The starting lineup for the 1992
175
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:31,418
U.S. Olympic
men's basketball team.
176
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,487
-The Dream Team, baby.
-* I got the moves... *
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00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:36,289
I call this my Dunk Zone.
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00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,958
They were merciless.
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00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,827
Titans amongst men.
180
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,428
Conquerors of the court.
181
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,830
I simply had to
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00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,966
pledge my undying allegiance
to their nation.
183
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,034
GUILLERMO:
Well, what happened in 1992?
184
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,937
Why didn't you
complete the process?
185
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:53,641
Probably because the Macarena
swept the nation.
186
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:57,210
So... I didn't really have time
for anything else.
187
00:07:57,244 --> 00:08:00,113
Okay, every vampire has
their own special power.
188
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,015
So, we need to work out
what yours is,
189
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:05,352
so you can trap and kill
your first human meal.
190
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,788
I can fold my tongue
like a taco.
191
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,022
What's that? Oh, no.
192
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,825
No. Let's try... You seduce me.
193
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,661
I am just stupid human man.
194
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,863
Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.
195
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,298
I'd love to drink beer.
196
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,401
-Okay.
-Bite your lip seductively.
197
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,303
(lip crunches)
198
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,972
-Ow.
-Okay.
199
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,241
Maybe seduction
isn't your special power.
200
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,509
Well, what's your power?
201
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,879
I am an excellent crawler.
202
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,080
-You can see.
-Oh.
203
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,720
(quietly):
Oh, she can do everything.
204
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,889
Come on, try it. Maybe you're
a creepy crawler like me.
205
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,224
Darling, it's very easy,
206
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,359
you just scratch up the wall.
207
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,329
That's right. Come on.
That's it. You're doing...
208
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,932
(screams, grunts)
209
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,667
-Oh, no, are you okay?
-(groans)
210
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,268
What the hell is going on?
211
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:58,238
What's all this mess
and what are you doing up there?
212
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,574
Calm down, Laszlo. I was just
teaching the little stupid baby
213
00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:02,042
vampire how to crawl.
214
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,343
-Who?
-Jenna.
215
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,878
-Who's Jenna?
-She's right there.
216
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:07,180
Oh, right, I didn't see you.
217
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,548
She should be in a bloody cage.
218
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,283
(gasps) Laszlo.
(hisses)
219
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,686
-(both hissing)
-JENNA: That's a horrible
thing to say.
220
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,288
Ah, see what you've done.
Ruined her confidence. (hisses)
221
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:18,959
-(door slams)
-Damn.
-Idiot. (hisses)
222
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:21,428
GUILLERMO:
Okay, just imagine we're at
the Immigration office
223
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,963
and I'll be
the government official.
224
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,598
When and where were you born?
225
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,801
Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.
226
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,036
And where is that?
227
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,237
Southern Iran.
228
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,571
Mm-hmm.
229
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,273
Maybe not mention Iran.
230
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:34,808
Why did you leave your country?
231
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:38,311
Standard reasons.
Uh, driven out by peasants.
232
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,581
How many times
have you been married?
233
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,583
-Just the once.
-Okay.
234
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:44,818
To 37 women.
235
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,288
-(knocking)
-NADJA: Jenna,
236
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,258
Laszlo is very sorry
and he has something to say.
237
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,460
I say, little vampire,
238
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,462
I'm very sorry for saying
239
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:57,464
you should be kept in a cage.
240
00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:00,267
All of my knowledge
and the best of my abilities
241
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,434
will turn you into
242
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:05,238
the most impressive vampire
there is.
243
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,674
(whispers):
Yes!
244
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,642
Hello.
245
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:11,511
-Really?
-Absolutely.
246
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,013
Who is George Washington?
247
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,514
-George Washington?
-Yes.
248
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:18,585
America's first gay president.
249
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,954
I don't think that George
Washington was actually...
250
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,489
Yes.
251
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:25,458
-Hello, Nandor!
-Hello.
252
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:26,860
Is that that virgin girl?
253
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,361
Hi.
254
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:30,630
Is she a vampire now?
255
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:33,366
Well, she's got fangs
and the white pale face--
256
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,002
it's a pretty major clue.
257
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:38,706
(sighs)
Anyway, which one is better:
258
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,841
alt-right or Antifa?
259
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:43,010
I'm trying to decide
which team to join...
260
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:46,379
GUILLERMO:
I just, uh, found out
that Nadja has turned someone--
261
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,816
someone so random,
it's crazy, like, it's crazy--
262
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,318
into a vampire.
263
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,687
(muffled shrieking)
264
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,689
The transformation into a bat
265
00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:57,524
is probably
the most important thing
266
00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:59,526
-a vampire can do.
-NADJA: Yes.
267
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:00,961
Do you have somewhere
that I could put my clothes?
268
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,395
-No, no, no. Don't do that.
-Wait, what are you doing?
269
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:05,665
If I'm gonna be a bat,
then don't I have to get...
270
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,267
nak...
Where do my clothes go?
271
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:09,970
Huh.
272
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,238
Um...
273
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,506
let's not get bogged down
in the details.
274
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,675
-Keep your clothes on for now.
-Oh, okay.
275
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,311
Right.
276
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,080
When I turn into a bat,
277
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,749
there's no real skill
to it at all.
278
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,051
I just shout "bat!"
279
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,919
(squeaking)
280
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:27,520
Human form!
281
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,689
-Much like that.
-Oh, wow.
282
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:30,724
Your turn.
283
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,259
Okay.
284
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,493
(exhales)
285
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,096
Bat!
286
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,731
-(high-pitched screaming)
-Oh.
-Ooh.
287
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:39,900
NADJA:
It's okay. Calm down
and just stop screaming.
288
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,501
-Terrifying.
-What the heck?
289
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,003
-What would you even call that?
-I don't know.
290
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,838
"We, the people..."
291
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,774
We, the people...
292
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,608
-"We, the..."
-(loud thud)
293
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:50,377
-JENNA: Ow!
-What was that?
294
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:53,413
Sounded like someone threw
a bag of garbage off the roof.
295
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,883
Well, go and investigate.
296
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,522
Sorry, hi.
297
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,758
-Yep. Bag of garbage.
-Uh, hi.
298
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,927
Is there any way
you could let me back in?
299
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,762
Yeah.
300
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,099
(quietly):
You can figure it out
on your own
301
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,733
since you're
a fucking vampire now.
302
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,035
JENNA:
Guillermo?
303
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,005
I can hear you.
Heightened senses.
304
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,145
NADJA:
I just don't understand.
Turning into a bat
305
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,647
is the easiest thing
for a vampire to do.
306
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,818
I am not disappointed
with Jenna's progress so far.
307
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:34,154
So, you know, maybe she
doesn't have a special power.
308
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,489
So what?
She's a below-average vampire.
309
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,491
Either way, I do think
she's very much ready
310
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,093
for her first human meal.
311
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,494
I believe in you very much.
312
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:42,762
We're going to go to a party
313
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,297
full of hot idiots.
314
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:45,799
We demand you invite us
315
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,268
inside your house carnival, now.
316
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,070
Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."
317
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,338
Ew.
318
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,941
We will do whatever the hell
we want to do.
319
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:57,911
And you will respect women
a lot more after this, okay?
320
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,112
Okay.
321
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,848
(dramatic music playing)
322
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,252
NANDOR:
Obviously, I'm just going to
323
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:09,189
hypnotize my interviewer
into giving me my citizenship.
324
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:12,192
When was the last time you
traveled out of this country?
325
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,827
Listen to my words.
326
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:16,296
You will grant me
327
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:19,032
my American citizenship.
328
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:22,870
Make me one
with your evil empire.
329
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,940
Is this a joke to you, sir?
330
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,942
Um...
331
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,577
No.
332
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,447
-Good.
-NANDOR: It seems
333
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,616
that, uh, government workers
334
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:39,352
are immune to hypnotism.
335
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,689
It's like their souls are dead
or something.
336
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:45,292
Please describe
the right to bear arms.
337
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:48,661
NANDOR:
If it's a nice day,
338
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:52,565
you should have the right
339
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:55,835
to bare your arms.
340
00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:58,538
All right.
Moving on.
341
00:13:58,571 --> 00:13:59,539
NANDOR (whispers):
I don't detect
342
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,909
any human left in them.
343
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,843
-(ska band playing)
-NADJA: Right. Who in here looks
344
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,879
lovely, yummy-yummy,
tasty enough to eat?
345
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:07,347
Oh, what about him?
346
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,982
He looks like
a really good laugh.
347
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,650
JENNA:
He's in my stats class.
348
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,019
So?
349
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:14,154
So, I-I cannot kill him
350
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,389
because that would be
a very big blow to his family.
351
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,591
I can't take that on,
emotionally.
352
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:19,859
Please, darling, listen to me.
353
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,429
We are in a room
full of pure asshole.
354
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,197
You can do no wrong.
Honestly.
355
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:27,034
I believe in you, my darling.
(exclaims)
356
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:28,435
-Okay.
-Okay.
357
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,404
We elect a president
for how many years?
358
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,740
A thousand years.
359
00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:40,047
Okay.
360
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,714
The idea of self-government
361
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:44,851
is in the first three words
of the Constitution.
362
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,987
So, what are these words?
363
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:50,890
Hmm?
364
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:54,227
"Hey... you guys."
365
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,929
Yeah. Okay.
366
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:59,799
What does the Constitution
do for the people?
367
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,434
-It...
-Oppresses them.
368
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,139
Try and get his attention,
darling.
369
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:07,807
Lovely red face.
370
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,977
Are you enjoying your drink?
371
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,612
Are you enjoying your drink?!
372
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,881
-I don't think he hears me.
-No,
373
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,816
I just think maybe
you're not trying hard enough.
374
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,151
Just watch me, okay?
375
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,087
Oh, hello.
376
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:24,324
Oops, I'm... very sorry
for bumping into you.
377
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,426
I will punish myself later,
378
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,728
'cause I'm such a bad girl.
379
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,130
Who are your parents?
380
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,631
They are very bad
381
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:35,602
for making such a big boy.
382
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,304
I love you.
383
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:38,805
So much.
384
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:41,108
See? It's very, very easy.
385
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,076
Just might want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
386
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,745
-I live to be your slave.
-Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs,
387
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,015
put your head
deep inside the toilet bowl,
388
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:50,183
and flush it seven times.
389
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,454
I think-I think
that was an abuse of power.
390
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,523
I think it's just
an abuse of that boy.
391
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:58,125
-Oh, my...!
-(Nadja gasps)
392
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,159
Hello.
393
00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:00,260
Hello?!
394
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,494
Okay. No, it's okay.
395
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,263
-He'll-he'll apologize.
-No.
396
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,697
You have just spilled
397
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:06,966
your tankard of mead
all over my companion.
398
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,135
What? Who?
399
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,202
Me.
400
00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:10,337
(hisses)
401
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,205
(groans)
This is pointless!
402
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:13,706
Nobody sees me!
403
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,009
Why don't they see me?
This is pointless!
404
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,510
No, darling, it's not pointless.
405
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,946
No! I'm done! I'm done.
I've had it.
406
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,348
-Thank you, I'm sorry.
-But...
407
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:23,550
(Jenna exhales heavily)
Excuse me! Could you just...
408
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:26,386
Can you just get out of my way?!
409
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,954
Get out of my way!
410
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,023
Why does nobody hear me?!
411
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,824
(screams)
412
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:33,126
(gasps)
Wh...
413
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,328
-(woman gasps)
-(man grunts)
414
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,564
-Whoa!
-What is that?
415
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,067
-(partygoers scream)
-(Nadja laughs)
416
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,334
Did you see?
417
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,002
Did anyone... Really?!
418
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,171
-Jenna?
-Whoa.
419
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,039
You went invisible.
420
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:48,508
The... Didn't you see it?
421
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:51,644
You have a very,
very special power.
422
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:55,048
You are going to murder so many
human people with this.
423
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:00,053
-Yes.
-(small scream)
424
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,554
(screams)
425
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,156
JENNA:
This is the best
night of my life!
426
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,591
-Okay, wait, wait, wait.
-NADJA: Where has she gone?
427
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,094
Dracula's in the house!
428
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,495
Where's my Jenna?
429
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:09,662
There she is!
430
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,564
-(squeals)
-This is amazing!
431
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:15,068
I have a cool vampire power.
432
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:17,204
Now, I wonder if anyone looks
433
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,871
a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy
434
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:21,508
for you to murder with
your mouth right now, hey?
435
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,909
-(playing ska music)
-* Pick it up *
436
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,944
* Pick it up,
pick it up, pick it up *
437
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,213
* Pick it up, pick it up,
pick it up... *
438
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,381
-(yells)
-(music stops, partygoers gasp)
439
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,582
-(grunting)
-(Jenna grunts)
440
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,050
MAN:
Pick him up!
441
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,086
(grunting)
442
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,228
(panting)
443
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,533
-What the fuck?!
-Hi.
444
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,967
Hey, there.
Um, no, it's okay.
445
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,603
Aah!
(gasping)
446
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:54,307
Ah...
447
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,381
Hmm.
448
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:04,217
Just need a little bit of...
little bit of chill.
449
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,919
Okay, s-sorry.
Hold-hold still.
450
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,489
Just gonna get the lid on
nice and tight and...
451
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,125
on your blood, so it doesn't,
um, leak in my backpack.
452
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:13,826
I've done as you asked,
Mistress.
453
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,295
Not now, big boy.
454
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:16,629
Go and eat some bricks.
455
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:19,566
IMMIGRATION OFFICER:
Now,
456
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,134
to test
your English comprehension,
457
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,136
I'm going to ask you to recite
458
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,637
the Oath of Allegiance.
459
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,373
NANDOR:
Okay.
460
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,309
"I hereby declare, on oath,
461
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,744
"that I absolutely and entirely
renounce and abjure
462
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,581
"all allegiance and fidelity
to any foreign prince
463
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,616
"and without
any mental reservation
464
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:40,353
"or purpose of evasion,
so help me G..."
465
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,125
So help me G...
466
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,628
(sighs)
So help me G...
467
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:52,299
Could I possibly
just skip the last bit? Huh?
468
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,470
So help me Go...
(screaming)
469
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,307
-(flames hiss out)
-Oh...
470
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,775
(muffled):
Ow. Ow.
471
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:03,976
(groaning)
472
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:13,386
You ready to go?
473
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,288
I didn't pass.
474
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,457
Made a fool out of myself.
475
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,159
I have no country,
I have no home.
476
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,329
I have no people.
477
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:24,964
I'm like a little lost duck,
478
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,200
floating about
in the middle of the ocean.
479
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,236
Oh, will you stop fucking
complaining?
480
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,539
-Excuse me?
-You know, I'm tired of it.
481
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,474
So what? You're not
a fucking American citizen.
482
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,975
You're not
a citizen of anything.
483
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,577
You're a vampire!
484
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,679
Okay? You can fly.
485
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,681
You can transport
anywhere as a bat!
486
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,915
You are immortal.
487
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:45,418
Do you have any idea how much
488
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,554
people would pay,
who they would kill
489
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,155
just to be who you are?
490
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,690
To be in your shoes?
491
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,759
In your fucking shoes!
492
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,595
You should be fucking proud
of yourself.
493
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:57,730
Proud of who you are.
494
00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:00,733
Wow.
495
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,034
Guillermo.
496
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,438
You are right.
497
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,707
I am a vampire.
498
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:10,943
A cool and powerful vampire.
499
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:16,683
Hear my words!
500
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:20,420
I am a proud vampire!
501
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:23,222
I will not bow down
502
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,392
to your pathetic bureaucracies.
503
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:28,895
It is you
who will bow down to me!
504
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:31,631
I don't need your citizenship.
505
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,065
I will rule
506
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,868
this earth for eternity
507
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,437
as you rot
508
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:40,273
and your bones turn to dust!
509
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:41,408
(car alarm blaring)
510
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:42,975
Yes!
511
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,445
Sound the alarms!
512
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:48,715
It won't make no difference!
513
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,750
(car alarm dies away)
514
00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:54,186
(Nandor exhales)
515
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,592
Guillermo...
516
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:03,430
I appreciate you telling me
how it is back there.
517
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:07,266
Your tone was
highly disrespectful, but...
518
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,469
you were right.
519
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:10,670
Thank you.
520
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:12,605
You're welcome.
521
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:16,275
I guess now that you have
your, uh, confidence back,
522
00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:18,845
you probably need
some vampire sidekick to...
523
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:20,246
Nah, I'm good.
524
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,515
Oh.
525
00:21:22,549 --> 00:21:24,116
Hands down,
the best night of my life.
526
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,319
-I mean, I'm invisible,
-Yes.
527
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,154
I ate my first dude,
528
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:30,457
and I've never
stayed up this late.
529
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,024
Can we, like,
watch the sun rise or something?
530
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:33,125
-That would be so nice.
-Oh...
531
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:34,126
We could cozy up.
532
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,128
About that-- um...
533
00:21:36,162 --> 00:21:37,764
Funny... very funny story.
534
00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:39,966
You can never
go in the sun again,
535
00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:41,634
because if you do, you will
536
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:44,704
burst into a boiling ball
of flame.
537
00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:47,273
Sorry.
538
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,141
I am a little disappointed
I didn't get to be
539
00:21:49,175 --> 00:21:50,843
a American citizen.
540
00:21:50,877 --> 00:21:53,680
I was really looking forward
to buying a gun.
541
00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:55,515
Oh, you don't need to be
a citizen to get a gun.
542
00:21:55,548 --> 00:21:56,983
They'll give those to anyone.
543
00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:58,885
-Really?
-Yeah.
544
00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:01,654
Even in Al Quolanudar
you couldn't get a sword
545
00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:03,690
without the checking
of your background.
546
00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:04,891
JENNA:
I got it!
547
00:22:04,924 --> 00:22:07,293
NADJA:
What? What is it?
548
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,662
Motorcycle helmets protect
vampires from the sun.
549
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:10,730
Haven't you seen Blade?
550
00:22:10,763 --> 00:22:12,231
They put the things on
551
00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:14,401
and then the sun can't hit you.
552
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:16,035
-Oh.
-Trust me.
553
00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:18,538
It's the night of many firsts,
for both of us.
554
00:22:18,571 --> 00:22:21,307
NADJA:
You are now a full,
strong vampire.
555
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:23,075
You no longer need me.
556
00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:26,979
And thus, your never-ending
journey begins.
557
00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:29,382
-It's so exciting!
-JENNA: It is!
558
00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:31,418
-(hissing)
-NADJA: What the fuck?
559
00:22:31,451 --> 00:22:33,319
-JENNA: Ow!
-NADJA: Curse!
560
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:34,353
Oh, that's very hot!
561
00:22:34,387 --> 00:22:37,724
-We must go!
-(squealing)
562
00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:39,659
*
563
00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:43,029
* Oh, vampire ska *
564
00:22:43,062 --> 00:22:45,932
* Raise up the soul,
pack up the school time *
565
00:22:45,965 --> 00:22:48,401
* Everybody knew that
she was ruler *
566
00:22:48,435 --> 00:22:50,870
* Wants to sink her fangs deep
in your neck *
567
00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:53,072
* She's gonna take you home
and show you no respect *
568
00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:55,074
* She's a vampire *
569
00:22:55,107 --> 00:22:56,476
* Shake it up *
570
00:22:58,310 --> 00:23:01,614
* Oh, vampire ska *
571
00:23:01,648 --> 00:23:04,350
* She said, "You dress
like a city gent" *
572
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:07,186
* So out for a pint
is where we went *
573
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,722
* Her bomber jacket
had a Guinness towel *
574
00:23:09,756 --> 00:23:11,758
* She looked real sharp
in my chrome cowl *
575
00:23:11,791 --> 00:23:14,761
* She's a vampire. *
576
00:23:19,766 --> 00:23:21,734
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
577
00:23:23,970 --> 00:23:26,005
The problems with living
with other vampires
578
00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:28,340
are the vampires
I have chosen to stay with.
579
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:31,343
Last night, there were
all these people half-drunk.
580
00:23:31,444 --> 00:23:32,912
Well, where did they find
the alcohol?
581
00:23:32,945 --> 00:23:35,281
-No, they'd been half-drunk.
-Oh.
582
00:23:35,314 --> 00:23:39,452
Please, finish a whole victim
before moving on to a next one,
okay?
583
00:23:39,486 --> 00:23:42,321
-I've got my cape
caught in the door.
-Well, yank it out!
584
00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:43,956
(shouts)
585
00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:46,793
Master,
this is pretty "macarbe."
586
00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:48,595
(scoffs)
587
00:23:48,628 --> 00:23:50,096
(exclaims, screams)
588
00:23:50,129 --> 00:23:51,531
ANNOUNCER:
What We Do in the Shadows,
589
00:23:51,631 --> 00:23:53,432
all new Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
590
00:23:54,501 --> 00:23:56,536
-(drumbeat)
-(clapping)
591
00:23:58,871 --> 00:24:00,439
-(rhythmic breathing)
-(fanfare)
592
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:04,310
Fosse/Verdon. All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
593
00:24:05,612 --> 00:24:06,779
(beeping)
594
00:24:06,813 --> 00:24:08,715
Sun's out, guns out.
595
00:24:08,815 --> 00:24:11,518
-Well, in space,
the sun is always--
-Don't step on my line!
596
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,986
-(shouts)
-What the hell was that?
597
00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:15,822
My last bottle of Bitter Lemon!
598
00:24:15,855 --> 00:24:17,557
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
599
00:24:17,657 --> 00:24:20,326
Premieres Wednesday, May 29
on FXX.
600
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:22,962
(record static)
601
00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:26,465
(hip-hop beat)
602
00:24:30,737 --> 00:24:32,639
(rapid drumming)
603
00:24:32,672 --> 00:24:36,308
(beat resumes)
604
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:40,346
-WOMAN 1: I heard he's a savior.
-WOMAN 2: I heard he's a mutant.
605
00:24:40,379 --> 00:24:42,014
-He's a god.
-Hi, Alice.
606
00:24:42,882 --> 00:24:44,651
I help people open
their minds.
607
00:24:44,684 --> 00:24:47,186
-Is this a cult?
-Ticktock, little birdie.
608
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:51,658
-I'm a good person.
-You end the world.
609
00:24:51,691 --> 00:24:54,193
-Why do you need
to time travel?
-It's about saving lives.
610
00:24:54,226 --> 00:24:55,261
Starting with mine.
611
00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:58,731
(screams)
612
00:24:58,765 --> 00:25:00,667
MAN: How do you surprise someone
613
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:03,269
who can go back in time
and warn himself?
42769
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