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00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:05,073
-(drumbeat)
-(clapping)
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00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:07,075
-(rhythmic breathing)
-(drumroll)
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00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:10,744
Fosse/Verdon. All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:15,015
ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.
5
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:29,263
Uh, the TA was asking about you
in the chem section.
6
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,365
I said you were feeling a bit
under the weather.
7
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,934
So I got you some, um...
8
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,769
O... What...
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00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,171
Os-Oscillio...
10
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:40,074
Osclio...
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00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,176
Oc-Occlio.
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00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:44,278
-Oak-Oaknium.
-(flies buzzing)
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Oc-Occlioscosnium.
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00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,449
Osio...
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00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,284
Oscli... uh, Occlioco...
16
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:51,785
Oscillococcinum, that's...
17
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,087
that's the correct
pronunciation, there.
18
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,589
So...
19
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,057
take one of those.
20
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:02,029
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
21
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Siri,
22
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call 911.
23
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,135
-SIRI: I'm not sure
I got that. Can you...
-Siri...
24
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,036
She was fine last night.
25
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,404
And then, this morning,
26
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,473
she asked me to go
get her some NyQuil.
27
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,074
And I said, "NyQuil?
Don't you mean DayQuil?
28
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:16,076
Because then you're gonna
fall asleep."
29
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,212
She said, "I want
to sleep all day." And then...
30
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,648
and then I ended up getting some
oles-olescoleum.
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-Clecleum?
-Do you have a dorm advisor
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-or someone who can...
-(gasps)
33
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What the fuck?!
34
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,621
I thought you said she was dead!
35
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:29,423
Her vitals were at zero,
I checked them three times.
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00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:31,292
Oh, my... I-I'm sorry.
37
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,227
I'm so sorry, um...
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you should bill me because I'm
still on my parents' insurance.
39
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-Uh, ma'am, you were dead.
-I'm fine now, so...
40
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,933
-(thunder rumbles)
-I'm fine. (laughs weakly)
41
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FEMALE PARAMEDIC:
I still think you should come
42
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-to the hospital, ma'am.
-Oh, no, no.
43
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I'm fine.
44
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MALE PARAMEDIC:
Ma'am, you are not fine.
45
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,076
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
46
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,579
* Don't sing if you want
to live long *
47
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,081
* They have no use
for your song *
48
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,750
* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *
49
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:59,119
* You're dead
and out of this world *
50
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:04,192
* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *
51
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,994
* You sold out your dream
to the world *
52
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,297
* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *
53
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,965
* You're dead
and out of this world. *
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00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,645
GUILLERMO:
Was I disappointed
55
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,715
I wasn't turned into a vampire?
56
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,617
Yes. (chuckles)
57
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:30,818
Heartbroken.
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00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,654
But I think it's because...
59
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,623
I need to learn patience.
60
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,124
And my master's
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00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,726
been really good to me lately.
62
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,894
How is it looking, Guillermo?
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00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,496
(Guillermo giggles)
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00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,232
It looks like
I'm flying, Master.
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00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,799
NANDOR:
Woo-hoo.
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00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,335
Woo-hoo!
67
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,337
I'm a vampire!
(laughs)
68
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:50,704
You are not, though.
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00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,640
LASZLO:
We have total dominion
70
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,575
from here... to here.
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00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,245
So that's two streets.
72
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,880
Our street and Ashley's street.
73
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:02,583
Yes. I lied a bit.
74
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,918
Actually, it's from
there to there.
75
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,921
So we have dominion
over five houses?
76
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,560
We need to reach out
to some other vampires.
77
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:14,862
Consider joining
dominions to secure
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00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,364
our stranglehold
over the region.
79
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:19,099
-Yes.
-Yes.
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00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,901
Simon the Devious
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00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,437
is a vampire we have known
for centuries.
82
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,072
Our coffins were all together
on the ship
83
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,874
that brought us over to America.
84
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,109
We used to hide
down in the hole,
85
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,245
then whisper jokes
to each other.
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00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:33,781
Crawl around, tickle each other,
have a lovely time.
87
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,849
And then we would
climb up to the top deck
88
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:39,086
and just breathe in the sea air
and seduce and kill sailors.
89
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,288
LASZLO:
We went to Staten Island,
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00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,189
he went to Mana-hatta.
91
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,791
And he very quickly became
92
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,626
the king
of the Manhattan vampires.
93
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,695
And he was only 107, which...
94
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:50,398
You know, real boy wonder.
Very clever.
95
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,932
He's not that clever.
96
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,267
Okay, who's cleverer, then?
97
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:55,068
-Stavros the Clever.
-(laughs)
98
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:56,804
He died tripping on his cape
99
00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:59,440
at a wooden stake sale
at the garden center.
100
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:02,743
Simon's HQ is this
fantastic nightclub
101
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,612
called the Sassy Cat Club
in Mana-hatta.
102
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,380
We used to go
all the time in the '20s.
103
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:08,916
And we would do the Charleston
104
00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:11,652
and the Peabody, and we'd drink
some very nice blood
105
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,220
from some very nice goblets.
106
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,422
LASZLO:
You have to wear
a cape in there.
107
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,957
Yes.
Everyone is in a cape.
108
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,459
And if you don't wear a cape,
109
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,060
you'll look like a
Fuck Me Knee-trembler.
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Laszlo!
111
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He's right, though.
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00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:25,032
If you don't, you'd look like
a right little tart.
113
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:28,268
How's this for the city?
114
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,970
Oh, yes.
115
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,806
You look like a beautiful
piece of wallpaper.
116
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,107
It needs a cape.
117
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,743
Hmm? Really?
118
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,311
Yeah.
The bigger the better.
119
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,513
(sighs)
Run.
120
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,982
We're going into
the city tonight.
121
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:44,284
We're going to party and dance
122
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:47,988
and form a power alliance
with the Manhattan vampires
123
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,758
so that we can crush the humans.
124
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,293
No offense.
125
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,429
I found it.
126
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,297
Thoughts?
127
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,766
Looks like it's alive.
128
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,033
Good eye.
129
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,002
It's 100% witch skin.
130
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,338
Simon was always very jealous
of this hat.
131
00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:06,607
I can't wait to see
his face when I walk in.
132
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,308
Please don't wear that hat.
133
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,010
-Too stylish?
-No.
134
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,479
It's a big,
bloody stupid hat with
135
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:12,946
a big, bloody stupid
curse on it.
136
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,147
And every time you wear it,
137
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,517
something bloody
stupid terrible happens.
138
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,553
-Nonsense. Gizmo likes it,
don't you?
-It's Guillermo.
139
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:21,455
NADJA:
Laszlo's stupid hat.
140
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:23,357
It's got a bloody huge
curse on it.
141
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:25,693
I have tried to throw it out
many times,
142
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,695
but it keeps crawling back.
Literally.
143
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,329
I acquired this hat
144
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:32,900
while draining the blood
of a Bavarian Hexenbrenner,
145
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,502
or witch burner.
146
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,637
He must've noticed me eyeing it,
147
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,038
'cause in his dying breath,
148
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:40,908
he said, "Take my hat, it's
149
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,810
(groaning):
cuh..."
150
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,712
"Yes, it is cool," I thought.
151
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,313
Free hat.
152
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,681
Even better.
153
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:49,550
Think of all the things
that have happened.
154
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,552
The potato famine,
that time that that horse
155
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,387
knocked you over
and trampled over you.
156
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:56,189
-No, it didn't.
-Then it started
making love to you?
157
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,691
I don't consider that a curse.
158
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,727
-It's growing human hair.
-Exactly.
159
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,531
My new familiar, he likes it.
Don't you, Dustin?
160
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,533
-JUSTIN: It's Justin.
-Yes, have a touch.
161
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,738
That was our new familiar.
162
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,240
Adieu.
163
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,342
It's that bloody cursed hat,
Laszlo!
164
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,377
It's got nothing to do with
the hat. It's the bookshelf.
165
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,480
Which I charged you to fix.
166
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,585
(coughs, grunts)
167
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,720
This hat is not cursed.
168
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,456
Oh, hey.
169
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:31,692
Uh, I-I overheard that you might
be going to Manhattan.
170
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,061
-I-I'd love to tag along.
-(hisses)
171
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,300
NANDOR:
Ooh.
172
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:43,136
Look at the skyline, Guillermo.
173
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,705
GUILLERMO:
Yes, Master.
174
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,940
Steady, Guillermo.
175
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:49,309
It's a bit shaky.
176
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,445
I don't want water on my cape.
177
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,547
I'll have a soggy cape.
178
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,483
Why are we stuck
in bloody traffic, Laszlo?
179
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,950
-I don't know.
-Cursed hat.
180
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:59,820
That man on the sidewalk
looks a bit sad. Curse.
181
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,322
Why does this car smell bad?
It's the curse.
182
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:03,657
Look, you can say that
all night.
183
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,392
I'm gonna be wearing this hat.
184
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,328
NANDOR:
I am a bit nervous
about seeing Simon.
185
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,498
In the old days,
it would not have been my style
186
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,965
to make an alliance.
187
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:14,735
I would have slaughtered
my neighbors in battle.
188
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:18,405
But then you wake up
and you think,
189
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,974
"I've got no neighbors."
190
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:22,275
(soft note plays)
191
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:26,313
What if I want
to borrow something?
192
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,948
I'm ready to make a change.
193
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,083
My old boar.
194
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,785
Barry.
195
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,987
He's always smiling.
196
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:35,489
Ready to make
197
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:38,358
a friend.
198
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,127
I'll do the talking.
199
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:44,498
I invite you in.
200
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:46,399
NANDOR:
Oh, it's so dingy.
201
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,170
COLIN:
Everyone looks like Billy Idol.
202
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,039
It's a sexy Marmaduke.
203
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,440
This is lively.
204
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,376
We are the only ones
wearing capes.
205
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,378
Shall we look
for Simon the Devious?
206
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:01,849
Let's mingle
until the others get here.
207
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,350
Mingling...
208
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:04,852
mingling.
209
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,654
Mingling with you.
210
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:09,489
-Hi.
-I-I'm gonna go look
for the bathroom.
211
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:10,524
Oh, Guillermo.
212
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:13,393
Be careful you don't
get-- pfft. (groans)
213
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,230
Why don't you go and mingle?
214
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,632
Oh, I don't think so.
215
00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,968
Uh, my stomach's feeling
a little iffy.
216
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,502
Gas.
217
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,538
So, I think I'll just
stick with you tonight.
218
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,507
Okay.
219
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:30,210
-Laszlo, what is taking so long?
-LASZLO: I say, cabbie.
220
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,379
I've got my cape
caught in the door.
221
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,414
-Well, yank it out.
-What the hell
222
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,483
do you think I've been doing?
223
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,518
(grunts)
Fuck...!
224
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,721
You're fucking kidding.
225
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,322
(grunts)
226
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,391
You stay there.
227
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,693
I'll come to you.
228
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,895
-Oh, for fuck's sake!
-Oh, that bloody hat.
229
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,363
Whoa! Fuck me.
230
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,599
Fu...
231
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:53,634
(club music pounding)
232
00:08:57,905 --> 00:08:59,907
(whirring)
233
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,010
MAN:
You haven't tried that?
234
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,878
It's like, one,
then two, then three.
235
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:07,180
And then you get
where we are now.
236
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,049
-But it's...
-(door shuts)
237
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,951
Yeah.
238
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,253
-Hey.
-Hey.
239
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,555
Colby.
240
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:18,225
Familiar of Xanthos the Cruel
and Radenka the Brutal.
241
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,961
-Ah.
-This is the familiar room.
242
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,295
Yep.
243
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:25,132
Amalta, Mischa, Jameson.
244
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,467
-Sam.
-O-Oh, Sam is a...
245
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,736
Sam's a familiar.
246
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,105
Sam's a cat.
Guillermo, hi.
247
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:34,441
Nandor the Relentless,
so, nice to meet you.
248
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,710
Wait, Nandor the Relentless
of the Upper West Side?
249
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,378
No, that's, uh,
Nancy the Relentless.
250
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,813
People think...
W-We're Staten Island.
251
00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:42,215
Cool.
252
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,652
NANDOR:
So you know, we have our street
253
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,453
and also Ashley's street.
254
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:49,056
You know, we've just, uh,
been busy over in Staten Island.
255
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,558
-We're going to form
an alliance.
-(laughs) So tell me.
256
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,227
Are you currently adjoined
to any other vampires?
257
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,797
Uh, n-no. No, I...
258
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,431
-Let's just go up
to the roof and...
-COLIN: Hey, hey.
259
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,067
Do either of you two know
260
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,569
what this building used to be?
261
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,571
This building used to be owned
262
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,840
by Hescher-Schmitz Farrier.
263
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:09,843
A farrier deals
with equine foot care.
264
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,611
Kind of a Nike for horses.
265
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,081
Yes, everyone knows that.
Listen, Colin.
266
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,149
Why must you come here
and interrupt me
267
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:19,352
-when I am talking to...
-Who are you talking to, Nandor?
268
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,620
It...
269
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,027
What did...?
270
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,999
-Fuck has happened in here?
-Oh, my...
271
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:33,834
This is a travesty.
272
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,602
What took you so long?
273
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,604
His fucking stupid hat.
274
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,006
Why aren't they wearing capes?
275
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:41,842
Looks like anyone can be
a vampire in Mana-hatta.
276
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,610
Look at him.
277
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,612
Sod this, I'm gonna get a drink.
278
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,447
So how long have you
been a familiar?
279
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,182
You don't look very familiar.
280
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,684
Ah. (laughs)
281
00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:53,220
I see what you did
there, but, uh, ten years.
282
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,655
-Ten years? A decade.
-Yeah.
283
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:58,191
It's considered being
an expert to some people.
284
00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,993
-All right. Okay.
-Which way is the bathroom?
285
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,628
I'm here for the bathroom.
286
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,064
-You're standing in it.
-Oh, is that what that is?
287
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:07,000
Oh, the buckets. (chuckles)
They gave them to us when they
288
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,168
thought we were
going to unionize.
289
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:09,502
Do you not read the newsletter?
290
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,304
There's a newsletter?
291
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,540
-There is a newsletter.
-I can give you my e-mail.
292
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:16,209
CHILD VAMPIRES:
Colby, it's time to leave.
293
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,378
-Oh, those are your...
-Yeah, I'm their...
294
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,080
I'm their familiar.
They're like, 400 years old
295
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:22,182
but I have to play their parent,
I'm their "Dad"
296
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,818
-so no one gets suspicious.
-VAMPIRES: Now, Colby.
297
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,553
-Y-You better go.
-(Colby clears his throat)
298
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,355
(low voice):
Let's go, kids.
299
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,024
Daddy's coming.
Let's go.
300
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,660
-(liquid pattering)
-Oh.
301
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,729
Excuse me, Sam.
302
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:41,434
All right, Big Vlad,
light me up.
303
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,036
-CROWD (chanting): Simon! Simon!
-(laughs)
304
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,272
This is insane.
Who would do this?
305
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,706
-Simon! Simon! Simon! Simon!
-Are you ready for this?
306
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,608
Abbadon, watch.
Are you watching?
307
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:52,079
Oh, boy,
we are having fun tonight.
308
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,781
-(laughs)
-(cheering)
309
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:55,682
Don't look so scared.
310
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:59,119
Understandably,
life is filled with mysteries.
311
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,021
And for our next mystery...
312
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,890
-Simon!
-Nadja?
313
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,691
-MAN: (grunts) Hey!
-(laughs)
314
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,794
Nadja!
315
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,628
What a sight for sore eyes.
316
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,965
-I haven't seen you in ages.
-Simon.
317
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,566
Look at you.
318
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,269
Don't you look wonderful?
319
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,771
Fucking bloodle service.
320
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:19,773
I wanted this five minutes ago.
321
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,641
I'm talking to Nadja now.
322
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:22,776
Please, please.
323
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,813
So, what are you up to?
324
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,748
Well, I'm, uh, uh, living in...
on the Staten Island.
325
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:32,285
-Uh-huh...
-And things are going
very, very, very good.
326
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,054
-Good? Good.
-Very good. Yes.
327
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,723
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that,
'cause I worry about you.
328
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,592
-Aw...
-Come, come, come,
come, come, come, come.
329
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:42,595
You know, I worry about you
because I hear all these stories
330
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:46,566
about all these vampires,
and they slowly spiral out
331
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:50,070
and then they get stuck
in this real complacency.
332
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:53,841
Then, eventually,
they just... fade away.
333
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,843
-But not you.
-No way.
334
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,278
You're-you're in Staten Island.
335
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,180
-Well, yes.
-And Laszlo and Nandor?
336
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,681
Have you spoken
to them recently?
337
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,751
Uh, well, actually,
they're somewhere here.
338
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,753
No!
339
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,688
-Yes.
-Impossible!
340
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:10,123
Well, we should
all have a drink.
341
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,658
I would love to catch up
with those two rascals.
342
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,862
Ah, there you are.
343
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,497
Had my eye on you all night,
little one.
344
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,699
-Oh, I-I, I'm just, uh...
-Yeah, whatever it is
you're "just,"
345
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:22,669
you just found it right here.
Sweet release from life.
346
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:25,805
-Uh, I like life.
And I'm just, uh...
-NANDOR: Guillermo.
347
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:28,041
Oh.
348
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,776
Something I can
help you with, friend?
349
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,712
Uh, well, not really, but...
350
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:35,182
Oh, were you gonna...
(growls)
351
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:37,384
-No, no, no. No.
-'Cause I was thinking...
(growls)
352
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,319
-Okay. Well, okay.
-Yeah?
353
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,654
-I'd prefer it if you didn't.
-Why?
354
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,324
He's kind of my familiar.
355
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,859
-How could I know? (chuckles)
-No, I...
356
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:47,327
No, honest mistake.
Y-You don't have to apologize.
357
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,529
-I will. I must apologize,
I'm so sorry. I-I...
-Fine, honestly,
358
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,531
look, if you really had
your heart set on it,
359
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,632
-don't let me stand in your way.
-Well, I'd love to...
-GUILLERMO: What?
360
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,167
Not at all.
This is my discourtesy.
361
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,403
-and I feel bad.
-I mean, I'm okay with it if...
362
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,906
-I mean, you can if you like.
-No. No. No. I do apologize.
363
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,908
-Cheers. Okay? Rock and roll.
-Yes.
364
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,842
Wow!
365
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,512
No, I wasn't going
to let him eat you.
366
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,417
Guillermo!
367
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,022
Simon The Devious will see you.
368
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,856
Okay. Great. Uh,
369
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,658
-your hat is bleeding.
-I know.
370
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,160
SIMON:
You must
371
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,263
kill someone in the Hamptons.
It's just...
372
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:25,198
Laszlo! Nandor?
373
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:28,701
Aren't you a sight
for sore eyes?
374
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,837
NANDOR:
Pleasure to see
you again, Simon.
375
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,373
SIMON:
And look at you.
Nadja said you're doing well.
376
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,608
And now I see you in your capes,
377
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:39,179
and I think "Well, you haven't
lost your senses of humor."
378
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,349
-You're married?
-LASZLO and NADJA: Yes.
379
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,783
SIMON:
Well, your behavior with me
did not preclude you
380
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:45,285
-to be married.
-LASZLO: Oh, no, no, no, no.
381
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:48,755
I had forgotten because of her
physical behavior with me.
382
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:51,758
Oh, when was the last time
we were all together?
383
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,861
The bicentennial, 1976.
384
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:59,032
Yes, you told that joke
about that group of sailors.
385
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,400
Yes. Uh,
386
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,703
"It's like a virtual
smorgasbord of seamen"?
387
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:05,138
(laughing)
388
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:12,179
That's it.
389
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,584
But I haven't even introduced
you to my crew,
390
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,319
the Leather Skins.
391
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:22,122
Of course,
that's Big Vlad behind you.
392
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,291
Abbadon, Empusa.
393
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:26,826
We've got the Freak sisters
over there,
394
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:28,761
they're two sisters
and they are not related.
395
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,330
That's Little Vlad.
396
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:31,764
The guy's a fucking maniac.
397
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:34,001
We've got Mister 50s.
398
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:37,304
We've got S, and that's because
her name is Sarah.
399
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,239
We've got Evil Steve.
400
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,474
Freakfest Tony. Ah!
401
00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:44,011
There he is,
Blavglad the Exsanguinator.
402
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:47,580
And, of course, The Silent One.
403
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,948
(quietly):
Hey.
404
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,018
SIMON:
We keep going over there,
405
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,852
we've got Asian Mike.
And that's Chunt.
406
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,622
Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the
Fifth, Horvok the Pit Master.
407
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:59,259
Gonthrapal
and his brother Krylsac.
408
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,860
It's Wesley Sykes.
409
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:03,930
-Desdemona the Shrieker.
-(shrieks)
410
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,132
Yes.
411
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:06,133
There's Len, my accountant.
412
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,867
And of course, Count Rapula.
413
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:11,104
* 300 years livin'
in New York, son *
414
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:14,174
* I didn't start rhyming
till 1991. *
415
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,708
SIMON:
Yes, he just started rapping
416
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,777
in 1991.
417
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,947
Yes, well, um, this is our crew.
418
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,183
There's Nandor.
My good lady-wife Nadja,
419
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,885
who you clearly know.
And my good self.
420
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,954
-We like to keep things slim.
-COLIN: Hi, everyone.
421
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:31,224
I'm... I'm-I'm also with them.
422
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:32,559
-SIMON: Who is he?
-No one.
423
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,826
COLIN:
I'm with them.
424
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,862
Now, we've all known each other
long enough
425
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,697
to know that this is not
a mere social visit.
426
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,699
You are not wrong.
427
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:42,369
Um, you may have heard that, uh,
428
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:45,372
we have the Baron
visiting with us.
429
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:49,176
The Baron came to visit you
in Staten Island?
430
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,411
NADJA:
Yes. We were thinking,
as we have dominion
431
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,246
-over Staten Island...
-Uh-huh.
432
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,983
...and you, Simon, you control
a lot of Manhattan, well...
433
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,585
-I do.
-LASZLO: Yes, uh,
434
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:01,088
I mean, there's talk we could
possibly join forces,
435
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,723
take the lion's share
of New York City.
436
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:08,061
Uh, which also includes our
street and also Ashley Street.
437
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:11,498
So, I would bring Manhattan
to the table,
438
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,900
and you would bring...
439
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,001
Our street and...
440
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,069
NADJA and NANDOR:
Ashley Street.
441
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:17,904
-SIMON ...and Ashley Street.
-Correct.
-Yes.
442
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,006
Well, that sounds
very interesting.
443
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,241
Oh, ooh.
444
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,442
SIMON:
So I guess I would begin
445
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:25,212
the negotiation by...
446
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,380
you giving me that hat.
447
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,782
Oh, I fucking knew
this would happen.
448
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,284
-Absolutely not.
-NADJA: Laszlo.
449
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,453
Simon, you don't want the hat.
It's not a good hat.
450
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,522
-No...
-Give him the hat.
-No.
451
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,257
SIMON:
I watched you
walk around that ship
452
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,593
always wearing that hat
and thinking,
453
00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:43,029
"This vampire
doesn't deserve this hat.
454
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,597
I deserve that hat."
455
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:46,733
Well, I'll tell you something,
if you want this hat,
456
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,435
you'll have to cut my head off.
457
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,803
-Laszlo.
-That's fine.
458
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,706
Big Vlad, right behind you,
has a machete.
459
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,210
He could take it, or perhaps
we could get The Silent One,
460
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,746
or Little Vlad,
he's a fucking maniac.
461
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,449
And if we could hit Mister 50s,
maybe he could help,
462
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,118
-or the Exsanguinator himself.
-(hissing)
463
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:07,053
Or, let's see,
fucking everybody here.
464
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,589
All right, all right, you've
made your point. Get off me.
465
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,791
Take the fucking hat.
466
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,594
Ah, thank you. Mm.
467
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:15,962
What is it that's
sort of puckering
468
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:17,964
and sucking
at the back of my head?
469
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,266
NADJA and LASZLO:
It's witch's asshole.
470
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,501
Oh, yes.
471
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,570
Well, now that I've got the hat,
472
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,639
-I can say, um,
get them out of here.
-What?
473
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,075
-LASZLO: What?
-You can get the fuck out!
474
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,844
Get out of my club!
475
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,513
-Oh...
-SIMON: I summoned you here
476
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:37,150
to get your hat, and now it is
time for you to leave.
477
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:38,785
(beatboxing)
478
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,687
* Hey, yo, it's time to go *
479
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,523
* So hit the exit,
my rhyme flow's so sick *
480
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,758
-* It's on some next shit... *
-Yeah!
481
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,362
-Humiliating.
-SIMON: Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
482
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,998
By the way, we don't
validate parking.
483
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,933
Not that you have a car,
484
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,836
-because you are failures
of vampires
-Lazlo, don't...
485
00:18:56,869 --> 00:19:00,273
in your pathetic, lame capes.
486
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,609
This hat-- it makes me feel
like Robin Hood.
487
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,477
Big Vlad, my bow.
488
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,346
-Touch the sky.
-Touch the sky.
489
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,980
He's a big silly dickhead.
490
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,317
I don't remember him
being so devious.
491
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,151
I mean, he is called
Simon The Devious.
492
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:14,387
-Shit!
-Shit! Oh, shit!
493
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,055
Fucking hell.
Darling?
494
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,691
-Yes?
-I think my hat's
probably cursed.
495
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:22,395
Bat!
496
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:23,663
Oh...
497
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,569
Guillermo.
498
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:30,970
(mouths)
499
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,005
Guillermo?
500
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,078
You're still angry
about that vampire
501
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:40,513
who tried to eat you,
aren't you?
502
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,882
-Yes.
-Don't deny it. I can tell.
503
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,685
-I said yes.
-See, I knew it.
504
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:48,355
Guillermo...
505
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:51,090
I'm sorry for
how I treated you tonight.
506
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:53,326
I appreciate you.
507
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,927
I really do.
508
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,831
Well, you have a funny way
of showing it sometimes.
509
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,434
Thank you.
But...
510
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:05,071
I'm going to
make it up to you tonight.
511
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,580
GUILLERMO:
This is amazing, Master.
512
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:16,883
Enjoy it, Guillermo.
You're really flying.
513
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,286
This is the best night
of my life!
514
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:22,755
Oh, that's quite sad,
but also quite beautiful.
515
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:25,592
-I feel like a real vampire.
-Don't push it.
516
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,093
-What's that over there?
-Where?
517
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:28,728
The Empire State Building,
I think.
518
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,129
Is that it right there?
519
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,564
-What, over...
-Aah!
520
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:33,266
Oops.
521
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,934
-(crash)
-Shit.
522
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,869
-(groaning)
-NANDOR: Shh, Guillermo.
523
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,471
-Don't trouble yourself.
-(monitor beeping steadily)
524
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:40,307
He was fortunate.
525
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,809
A thicket of trees tangled him
up, and then he landed
526
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:46,145
on the roof
of an abandoned food truck.
527
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:49,048
I want you to know
528
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:52,819
that you are my...
529
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,587
friend.
530
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:57,424
-Hmm...
-Ugh, no,
that didn't feel right.
531
00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,792
You will forget I said anything.
532
00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:02,128
Shall we?
533
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:05,932
Hold your Horlicks--
that's my bloody hat.
534
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,267
Is that you in there, Simon?
535
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:11,871
Well, I'm gonna take my hat
back, you crispy piece of shit.
536
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:14,541
(monitor flatlines)
537
00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:18,945
-(monitor beeping steadily)
-(Guillermo whimpers)
538
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:22,148
(monitor flatlines)
539
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:23,316
-(monitor beeping steadily)
-(Guillermo moaning)
540
00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:26,353
Eh.
541
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:37,664
* I like to think when
I'm looking out the window *
542
00:21:37,697 --> 00:21:40,667
* Step back and maybe look
at the sunrise *
543
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,669
-* So remember me *
-* Oh *
544
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:44,704
-* Another moment
that will never be *
-* Oh *
545
00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:47,707
* And take the time
to make some sense *
546
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:50,710
* And think about
the consequence *
547
00:21:50,743 --> 00:21:52,712
* When I'm looking at you,
when you're looking at me *
548
00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:55,715
* Wonder what it would be,
wonder what it could be *
549
00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:58,985
* I like to think when
I'm looking out the window *
550
00:21:59,018 --> 00:22:01,721
* Like to think when I'm
looking out the window *
551
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:04,724
* Window, window, oh *
552
00:22:04,757 --> 00:22:06,726
* Window, window. *
553
00:22:09,729 --> 00:22:11,698
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
554
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:15,234
I would like
some of that glitter.
555
00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:17,036
Whatever for, Master?
556
00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:19,238
I'm going to sprinkle it
on my face and on my body,
557
00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:21,340
like Twilight.
558
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,077
ANNOUNCER:
What We Do in the Shadows,
559
00:22:25,111 --> 00:22:28,347
all new Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
560
00:22:30,950 --> 00:22:33,219
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
561
00:22:33,252 --> 00:22:35,855
(drumming)
562
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:39,659
(horns playing)
563
00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:41,428
(fingers snapping)
564
00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:55,408
Again.
565
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:59,712
Fosse/Verdon. All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
566
00:23:01,814 --> 00:23:03,082
(grunts)
567
00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:06,218
This is just-- This is--
568
00:23:06,252 --> 00:23:08,921
(grunts) Seriously?
569
00:23:08,955 --> 00:23:09,822
Whoo.
570
00:23:13,325 --> 00:23:14,894
Who's the lucky guy?
571
00:23:15,928 --> 00:23:17,530
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
572
00:23:17,564 --> 00:23:19,398
All new
Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.
573
00:23:22,301 --> 00:23:23,636
(needle on record)
574
00:23:23,670 --> 00:23:27,306
(hip-hop beat)
575
00:23:31,444 --> 00:23:33,312
(rapid drumming)
576
00:23:33,345 --> 00:23:35,347
(beat resumes)
41213
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