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Fosse/Verdon.
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All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
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ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.
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LASZLO: I have recently
rediscovered my love
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for topiary sculpture.
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The art of bush manipulation.
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We have Anubis,
the Egyptian god of death.
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Here is a chimera.
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This one, I'm the most proud of.
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This is the bunny,
simply because it ended up
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exactly the same
as I had in my head.
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-And up here...
-SEAN: Yo, Laz!
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All right, Sean.
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Bitch kicked me out again.
Can you believe it?
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She ought to
strangle you to death
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with your own sphincter muscle.
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00:00:50,311 --> 00:00:53,140
-What did you just say?
-I said something
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which you will
heartily agree with.
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Yeah, I hear that, bro.
That's-that's messed up.
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Have a good night.
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His wife will probably kill him.
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Which leads me on
to the fairer sex.
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What you're about to seeare the topiary representations
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of the vulvas of some
of my favorite prostitutes
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and women I have loved.
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Polly Nichols
from Whitechapel, 1888.
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Oh, that's my good
lady wife Nadja.
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Don't think she'd like you tosee that, but who gives a fuck?
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Beautiful.
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That's Nancy Reagan at the end.It's a bit untidy.
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And here we have
the pièce de résistance,
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my mother.
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What the...
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You're kidding.
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Ugh!
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That's werewolf piss.
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Werewolf piss.
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This box contains
all my werewolf traps.
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That's what we're looking for,
the Wulfsfalle.
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That'll do the business.
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♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
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♪ They have no use
for your song♪
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♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
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♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
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♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
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♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
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♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
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♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
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COLIN:
Am I a morning person?
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That would be
an enthusiastic "yes."
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I really enjoy the mornings.
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Let's see what Nandor's up to.
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Nandor?
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I wake up hungry,
and I get to feed all day.
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NANDOR: Go away, please,
Colin Robinson.
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Nandor, it's time
to name that tune.
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NANDOR:Guillermo, get him out of here!
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-Will you get out of here?
-I made it up.
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-NANDOR:
Can't you see I am sleeping?
-Please get out.
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Get out.
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That's what I call
my "morning cup of coffee."
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Dan, how are you?
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Mornings are great for feeding. People aren't really,
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you know, frustrated yet
by the entire day.
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If you don't want to have kids,
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then I would keep that phone
in your pocket.
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Arnie. You know,I was thinking about the whole,
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uh, Q-tip debate
that we've been having,
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and, you know, science says
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that you shouldn't
stick anything
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smaller than your elbow
into your ear.
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Talk about damage
to the ear canal.
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-Am I not right?
-I just can't.
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Yeah, no, and, uh...
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There's someone new
in the office.
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If you get 'em before this placegrinds them down,
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you get so much fresh energy.
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Knock, knock.
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Let me be the ad hoc
welcoming committee.
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I am Colin Robinson.
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You're gonna be hearing
a lot more about me.
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-Oh, probably not.
-Oh, no.
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Nonsense. People talk.
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-Not to me, they don't.
-Look at that.
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-Personalized nameplate, huh?
-Yeah, I-I had it made because
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people don't usually
remember my name.
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Oh.
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Since we're on friendly terms,
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let me give you a little advice.
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The water fountain,
I have reason to believe,
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is not filtered.
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I wouldn't dare
go by the water fountain.
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What if everybody laughed?
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Wh-Why...
why would they do that?
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You have no idea how long
I've been waiting
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to hear a kind word.
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I've been all alone
since Mother died, so...
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Oh. I'm-I'm just
talking to you. I...
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-There, there.
-Thank you.
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-Talk later?
-Yeah.
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-Really?
-Yeah, I said we would.
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I'd love to chat later.
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COLIN:
Oh, what the hell was that?
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I didn't get anything from her.
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Nothing.
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I think there's
something weird about Evie.
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NADJA:
This is mine
and Laszlo's crypt.
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I decorated it myself.
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This one is a very special
creature to me.
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When I first met Laszlo,
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I was walking
on the moors with him,
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and this owl flew over
and scratched my head,
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and I said, "Kill that fucking
bitch, please, Laszlo."
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If me and Laszlo were
to have ever had a child,
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I like to imagine
it would look like him.
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Small and hard.
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I hate this goat.
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What is that?
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It's werewolf.
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Coming from outside.
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There's a bloody big werewolf
on the lawn.
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Quick.
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-Ugh, ugh.
-Ew.
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-Bloody big one.
-Quick, we need
to get it inside.
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- It stinks.
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-Why is its foot in a trap?
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-NADJA:
Laszlo, did you lay a trap?
-NANDOR: What?
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LASZLO:
No, no, nothing to do with me.
Let's just get it
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-off the grass.
-NANDOR: It's okay. It's okay.
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It's okay. The neighbors,
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-the neighbors.
-LASZLO: Shh.
He's losing conscious.
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-NANDOR: Go to sleep now.
-LASZLO: That's it, that's it.
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-Go to sleep, Mr. Werewolf.
-LASZLO: That's it.
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-NANDOR: Okay, this way. Go, go.-
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-NADJA: The boy
should be helping.
-NANDOR: He is helping.
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-NANDOR: Where do we take it,
the basement?
-LASZLO: Fancy room.
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NANDOR:
But we just spring-cleaned.
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-Master, is it safe
to be this close to it?
-Probably not, Guillermo.
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Well, when it wakes up,
won't it kill me?
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Yes, probably. But we have moreimportant things to talk about.
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We need to get rid of him.
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And when I say get rid of him,
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I mean... pfft!
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No! The werewolf lives.
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Otherwise we endanger
the sanctity of the Truce.
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-The Truce?
-Ah, the Truce.
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I hate the Truce.
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NANDOR:
For tens
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upon tens of years,
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the vampire
and werewolf communities
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live in a wary peace
because of the Truce.
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Vampire does not harm werewolf,
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so long as werewolf doesn'tinterfere with any vampire shit.
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His friends might
know he's here.
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Which means all of his friends
will come and visit him.
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Okay, let us put a muzzle
on him, take him to a park,
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tie him to a bench.
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He's waking up.
He's waking up!
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Oh, God.
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Why do you guys have
a werewolf trap?
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I mean, a normal trap
on your lawn?
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NADJA:
We know you're a big
bloody werewolf.
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I saw you screechingand scratching around the garden
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like a big, disgusting wet dog.
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-Yeah, so the game's up,
you bastard.
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Luckily for you guys,
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I have incredible
healing abilities.
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I'm already
recovering completely.
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Ow!
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-He's gonna shit.
-Oh, no.
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When my werewolf brethren
and sisteren
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find out about this,
they will not be happy.
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LASZLO:
Ah, shit.
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-He's broken the bloody window.- My other leg!
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This is bad.
This is very bad.
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-Yes, this is very bad.
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I'm coming back with the pack.
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And by then,
I'll be 100% healed.
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Don't worry about that.
Ow!
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-He could've killed me.
-Possibly, but you know,
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-these things happen.
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Hey, Kamal. Put on a little
weight this weekend, no?
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Hey, Jeannie. Ooh.
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00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,941
Man, what's an antonym
for "jealous"?
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00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:28,769
'Cause that's how I feel
about your workload
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00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,640
right now.
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Arnie. You're gonna kill me,
but I think I am going to
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00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:41,738
change my position on the wholeQ-tip conundrum that we had.
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-Arnie, are you even
listening to me?
-Huh, Colin?
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00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:48,353
Sorry. I was...
talking to the new girl.
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00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:51,748
She told me the saddest story
about her nephew.
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00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:54,664
Born with his eyeballs
facing backwards.
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So can he see his brains?
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00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:59,974
I think the new girl
is an emotional vampire.
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00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:03,717
They're an advanced form
of energy vampire.
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00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,068
But instead of frustrating
the people around them
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00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:10,811
for energy, they feed off
of pity. Look at her.
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00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,726
There's not gonna be
anything left
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00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:14,858
when she's done with Dave,
I'll tell you that much.
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00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:17,818
This whole damn office is empty.
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00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:19,471
Evie.
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00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:21,299
E.V.
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00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:23,998
Emotional vamp... Oh, hell.
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00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:28,742
It's on, Evie Russell.
Oh, it's on.
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00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:30,744
Biff! Hey.
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00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,484
Hey, Biff.
Could I have a word with you?
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00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,269
Biff, just a second, Biff.
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00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:35,879
-Just gonna use
the bathroom first.
-Quick question about...
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00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:37,707
EVIE:
Biff, I had a... Actually,
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00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:39,666
-I had a quick question.
- Biff, we need
to discuss...
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00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,625
BIFF:
Can this wait till we get
out of the bathroom?
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00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,279
-EVIE: 'Cause it's kind of
feminine-related.
-Uh, Biff, you're gon...
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00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,628
-I can't exact...
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00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,848
-Biff, Biff, Biff.
-Biff, I can't exactly...
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00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,719
-Hold on, hold on.
-BIFF: Oh, man!
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00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,678
Biff, I-I think my dog
might be autistic,
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00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:53,723
-and I need a shoulder
to cry on.
-Biff.
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00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,638
-Please, Biff.
-BIFF:
What is happening, Colin?
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00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,684
COLIN:
What do you think of
the new toilet paper in here?
220
00:09:57,727 --> 00:09:59,686
-I was wondering... Let go!
-BIFF: This is crazy.
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00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,644
COLIN:
Oh, you don't use, uh,
toilet paper liner, huh?
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00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,254
Biff, I just need
to talk to you, please.
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00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:04,778
COLIN:Not a seat protector dude, huh?
224
00:10:04,821 --> 00:10:07,302
I'm just so sad,
and I don't know what to do.
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00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:09,565
BIFF:
I'm not feeling well.
I-I... I feel really weak.
226
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:14,744
COLIN:
You know, the Greek
phrasing for "coma"
227
00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:16,920
-is "deep sleep."
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00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:21,272
Poor Biff.
229
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:32,501
LASZLO:One, two, three silver bullets.
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00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:34,546
How are we gonna
kill a whole wolf pack
231
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,113
with just three silver bullets?
232
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,854
It's worse than that--
we don't even have a gun.
233
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,029
No gun?
234
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,466
-The wolf pack.
235
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,904
She is here.
236
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:46,297
LASZLO:
What the blazes?
237
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:48,822
Look, two werewolves,
238
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:49,866
as bold as brass.
239
00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:52,521
And I can even sense one
behind me.
240
00:10:52,564 --> 00:10:54,915
NADJA:
She's emptying her wolf snatch
all over the bushes!
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00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:57,178
All right, you've made yourpoint. Let's call this a night.
242
00:10:57,221 --> 00:11:00,094
: Oh, no.
We're just getting started.
243
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:02,966
Way to go, Deb.
Good, strong stream.
244
00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,751
ANGE:
Yeah. We had the piss.
245
00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:08,624
-Now we need the blood.
-Someone's finally speaking
my language.
246
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,713
--Get ready to start speaking it
247
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,367
our your butt,you
Sense and Sensibilitybitch.
248
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:14,064
-ARJAN: Ange, Ange, Ange.
-What-what are we doing?
249
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:15,849
You're ramping it up
pretty quick here.
250
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:17,851
Let's build up.
Let's build up to something.
251
00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:20,418
What I don't understand is why
you texted us all, woke us up
252
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:22,159
and told us to come here to
what, just piss on everything?
253
00:11:22,203 --> 00:11:24,771
-Are we gonna get on with this?-...lack of organization, man.
254
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,990
I'm just gonna need
a second here.
255
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:27,991
You're doing it again.
You're undermining me.
256
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:30,080
No, you made us look
like turds, man.
257
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,169
-Can you stop crying
on my lawn, please?
258
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:35,303
-Let's talk about it later.
-Okay. Let's do it later.
259
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:37,958
At last.
260
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:39,394
Give me some space.
261
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:41,744
You'll need more than space,
me old chap.
262
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,572
NADJA:
Go on, Laszlo.
263
00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:49,186
-Oh, no.
264
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:51,580
Not my bunny. Look.
265
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,364
No, that's my rabbit.
That's my best one.
266
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:56,411
-My sciatica.
-Don't worry, darling.
267
00:12:00,894 --> 00:12:03,026
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
268
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:04,898
Here comes the party poop.
269
00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,596
You can't be fighting
with werewolves on the lawn.
270
00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:09,032
You'll alert
the human neighbors.
271
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,165
And there's a bus stop
outside the house.
272
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:14,037
Well, don't appear as a mist
on the lawn, then, you prick.
273
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:16,039
What the hell's going on
over there, Laz?
274
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,824
Nothing, Sean.
275
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:20,000
Everything's all right
on this lawn.
276
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:22,785
Just how I like it.
And I'm going inside.
277
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,221
LASZLO:
It's just the neighbor.
Carry on.
278
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:28,443
If we are to battle,
we must follow the protocols.
279
00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:30,010
Of course we're gonna
follow the protocols.
280
00:12:30,053 --> 00:12:30,924
-To the protocols.
-Sure.
281
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:33,230
And now there's lots of dogs
going in my house.
282
00:12:33,274 --> 00:12:34,841
NANDOR:
Shit, have you got a key?
283
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:44,024
It's very tense.
284
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:47,505
Vampires, werewolves,
285
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:51,509
give me a moment to find
the relevant passage.
286
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:57,864
So, are all you werewolves
Indians?
287
00:12:57,907 --> 00:13:00,083
-Oh, here we go again.
-Fucking Twilight.
288
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:02,216
No, we're not all Indians.
289
00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:04,914
In fact... well, I'm an Indian.
290
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:06,873
But that's because my father's
from India. I think you're
291
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:09,049
not even talking about
that kind of Indian, though.
292
00:13:09,092 --> 00:13:10,746
I think you're talking about
a Native American,
293
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,879
-like Marcus.
-Yeah, but I'm not a werewolf
294
00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:15,098
-becauseI'm Native American.
-ARJAN: That's right.
295
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:16,883
All right?
It's not an ethnic thing.
296
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:19,233
-That's one guy.
-MARCUS: We're all different.
297
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:21,061
-I'm African-American.
-That's right.
298
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:22,758
-ALL: Oh.
-ANGE: Yeah.
299
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,326
I'm Caribbean-Canadian.
Saskatoon, motherfucker.
300
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:27,110
-That's right.
-Yeah.
301
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:28,895
-I'm Caucasian.
-That's-that's right.
302
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,897
-That's Chad.
-NANDOR: If anyone
is interested,
303
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,203
-I have found the...-LASZLO: Yes, get on with this.
304
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:35,902
...relevant passage for...
305
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:39,340
This was written in 1993.
306
00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:40,863
-Wow.
-And it states,
307
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,300
"Should a werewolf pack
308
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:46,086
have a beef
with a vampire house..."
309
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,914
That's us.
310
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:51,004
"...the two groups
shall not battle,
311
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,571
"but elect from amongst them
312
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:56,096
"their strongest fighter.
313
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:59,012
"The two fighters will face off
314
00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:02,102
-"in one-on-one combat...
-No.
315
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:04,321
...on neutral ground."
316
00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:07,368
Okay. Staten Island
Werewolf Support Group.
317
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,765
Uh, vampires in this room.
318
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:16,899
NANDOR:
Not you, Guillermo.
319
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,949
COLIN:
It's on, Evie Russell.
320
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:24,602
Oh, it's on.
321
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,694
-Evie Russell.
-Colin Robinson.
322
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,305
-Working late?
-I have to. I'm behind.
323
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:34,047
I like your skirt.
324
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:37,050
You should be careful,
because mauve attracts bees.
325
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:40,314
I was wearing this skirt when mysister got her cancer diagnosis.
326
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,490
Cancer isn't usually
what kills you.
327
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:43,839
It's the treatment.
328
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,493
She was killed
by a drunk driver.
329
00:14:45,536 --> 00:14:48,322
He was my fiancé.
330
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:51,064
Violence often begins at home.
Studies indicate...
331
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:54,937
-I've never had a home!
332
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,548
Remind me to e-mail you
a link to a Slatearticle
333
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,724
on the millennial
housing crisis.
334
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,944
I don't use e-mail
335
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:04,164
ever since my computer
was hacked
336
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,122
and my identity was stolen.
337
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:09,517
Hackers,featuring Johnny Lee
Miller and Fisher Stevens,
338
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,737
is one of the few movies
from 1995
339
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,957
that still holds up!
340
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:17,568
I was held up at gunpoint
341
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:20,528
while waiting in line
to see that movie.
342
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,530
But they didn't take any money.
343
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,749
They just did it for fun!
344
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,672
Human form.
345
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:36,979
Come on!
346
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,244
We're five minutes early.
347
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:42,767
COLIN:
You know...
348
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:45,466
we don't have to be enemies.
349
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:48,251
Have you ever considered
hunting with a partner?
350
00:15:48,295 --> 00:15:50,819
The thought has only recently
crossed my mind.
351
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:55,258
Rhonda.
352
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,695
I was wondering
if you could settle a bet.
353
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,525
Tonight is a good night to die.
354
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:04,311
Oh, I don't want you to die,
Master.
355
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:07,140
Not me to die,
356
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:09,055
-the other guy to die.
-Oh.
357
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,665
Maybe don't say it like that.
358
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,493
Okay.
359
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:17,019
Tonight is a good night
for the other guy,
360
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:19,152
-not me, to die.
361
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,457
They're here.
362
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:21,937
Sorry we're late.
Sorry we're late.
363
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,286
Bridge was a nightmare.
364
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,288
Hello, mongrels.
365
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:27,290
-You haunted house bitch!
366
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:30,250
We meet on the roof of this
abandoned Circuit City
367
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:31,947
in accordance with the protocols
368
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,080
of the Staten Island
Lycanthrope-Vampire Agreement
369
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:35,733
of 1993.
370
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:38,432
And so it begins.
Have you chosen your champion?
371
00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:39,868
Oh, yeah.
372
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:41,739
-We chose Toby.
373
00:16:41,783 --> 00:16:45,656
-Oh, that is a very big one.
-I don't remember this one.
374
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,224
-Is he a new one?
-ANGE: Oh, he's a new
gigantic werewolf.
375
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,183
This isn't even full-size.
376
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,749
-This is just,
like, regular Toby.
-NANDOR: Ah...
377
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:53,229
He-he gets like this big.
378
00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:55,275
LASZLO:
Yeah, well, we've got
our own champion.
379
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:59,061
He goes by the name of
Nandor the Relentless.
380
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,542
-Hi.-And he's going to mess you up,
381
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,109
Toby.
382
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:06,112
-Don't antagonize him, Nadja.
383
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:08,070
You desecrated my vulva garden.
384
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:10,507
Namely, my mother's vulva.
385
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:12,944
You turned it brown
and wizened.
386
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:15,121
-NADJA: You made it look like
his sister's vulva.
-LASZLO: Exactly.
387
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:17,297
What type of man
would endure such an insult
388
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,429
from a pack
of filthy werewolf scum?
389
00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:22,345
ARJAN:This is what I'm talking about.
390
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,956
-Let's throw down already.
-I'll throw you down.
391
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,350
Sure thing, Downton Abbey,
I'll knock you out.
392
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:29,744
-ARJAN: Okay, let's just
take things down a notch
393
00:17:29,787 --> 00:17:31,311
and then fight to the death.
394
00:17:31,354 --> 00:17:32,964
Ah, I don't know.
395
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:36,011
Is this turkey cut
freshly from the breast?
396
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,100
Or is it a preprocessed roll?
397
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:40,494
All of our meats
are actually freshly sliced.
398
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,148
Hmm.
399
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:43,584
I prefer the roll.
400
00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:45,325
Please don't start.
401
00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:48,154
I don't want to get into anotherargument in public right now.
402
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:50,156
We got married
out of convenience.
403
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:51,896
I have Munchausen's by proxy.
404
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:55,117
I tell people he's sick
so I feel better.
405
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,336
But then I do get sick.
406
00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:57,989
And when I do get sick,
407
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,513
people don't believe
that I'm sick.
408
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,167
Because they know she does
409
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,691
Munchausen by proxy
all the time.
410
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:06,824
Do you guys want
to eat your food?
411
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,783
BOTH:
We're feeding right now.
412
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:17,052
Vampires... and werewolves.
413
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,489
This is a fight that has been
fought with honor
414
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:22,231
for a thousand--
I say a thousand-- years.
415
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:24,277
-And tonight...
416
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,932
I'm not gonna do this if yourman's pissing against the wall.
417
00:18:27,976 --> 00:18:30,413
-Fuck off, you racist.
-ANGE: Okay, no.
418
00:18:30,457 --> 00:18:32,198
No more bullshit.
We fight.
419
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:35,723
-I agree with the werewolf slut.-Thank you.
420
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,594
-ARJAN: Do it, Toby. Do it.
-ANGE: It's all you, man.
421
00:18:37,638 --> 00:18:39,770
-LASZLO: I'd say surrender,
422
00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:42,991
but it's my mother's vulva
we're talking about.
423
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:44,427
-NANDOR: He's quite big.
-Come on, Toby, yeah!
424
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:46,212
NADJA:Come on, Nandor, you can do it.
425
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:48,214
We need a new rug for the house.
426
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,216
-LASZLO: Yeah.
-NADJA: I thought you
427
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:52,827
messy beasts didn't do this
until there was a full moon.
428
00:18:52,870 --> 00:18:54,872
This guy,
he just pictures the moon.
429
00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:56,787
He's got a great imagination.
430
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:58,398
-Yeah, Toby!
431
00:18:58,441 --> 00:19:00,443
-ARJAN: All right,
don't worry, I got that.-It's not a naked fight, is it?
432
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:02,228
Don't think so, no.
433
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:06,232
Uh...
434
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,408
LASZLO:
You know, we could just...
435
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,061
What about Gizmo?
436
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:12,455
-LASZLO: Shh!
-ARJAN: Who?
437
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:14,196
Champions, choose your weapons.
438
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,806
No silver.
439
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:19,462
I will let my esteemed
challenger choose first.
440
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:23,118
-He chooses teeth and claws.
441
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,338
Oh, he's gonna claw that dildo
right off your head, man.
442
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:27,644
-Uh, hey.
-Yeah.
443
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:31,431
Okay. I will choose--
444
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:33,476
nunchucks, scimitar--
445
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,435
-this!
-ARJAN: What is it?
446
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,263
-NADJA: Oh, no.
-LASZLO: Oh, no.
447
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:39,090
-NADJA: Nandor.
448
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,703
-Hey!
-What? No! Toby, no!
449
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:44,444
ANGE:
No, Toby!
450
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:47,490
-ARJAN: Oh, oh, God. Toby.
-CHAD: What the hell?
That's cheating!
451
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,579
-LASZLO: Well played.
452
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:51,015
-MARCUS: Oh... oh, no.
-ANGE: Toby, man.
453
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:52,626
-MARCUS: Oh, God.
-ARJAN: Don't worry, Toby,
454
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,845
-you're gonna heal up
just fine, pal.
-Did I win?
455
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:57,370
-I think I won.
-ARJAN: Whatever.
I guess this one goes
456
00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:58,414
-to the vampires, then.
-Okay.
457
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,503
Can you leave us
to lick our wounds?
458
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:04,377
-LASZLO: Okay.
-Tob... Toby,
don't lick your wounds.
459
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:05,595
-LASZLO: Bat.
-See you back at home.
460
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:08,294
-No, please don't...
461
00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:09,817
ARJAN:
It looks... honestly,
it looks better than it did
462
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,297
-five minutes ago already.
-DOUGIE: Come on, Toby.
463
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,516
You'll get through this,
and then we'll take that trip
464
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,604
-to Saskatoon
we've been talking about.
-ARJAN: Hey!
465
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,650
-Hey.
-Oh, hey, man.
466
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:19,653
You think
we could keep the bone?
467
00:20:19,696 --> 00:20:22,090
-Yeah. Yeah. That-that's okay.
-Yeah?
468
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,918
Okay, cool. Cool, guys.
All right, guys, spread out.
469
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:25,615
Let's find that son of a bitch.
470
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,400
ANGE:
Mind where you're walking.
471
00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:30,490
If you hear a squeak,you may have stepped on the toy.
472
00:20:30,533 --> 00:20:32,927
ARJAN:
I'll stay with Toby.
He's gonna be fine.
473
00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:35,973
-He's healing already.
474
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:42,066
COLIN:
Dating Evie is never dull.
475
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:44,112
She certainly knows
476
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:46,070
how to get people's attention.
477
00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:48,377
-Evie.
478
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:53,208
COLIN:
Whether it be fainting
or car troubles.
479
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,297
A lot of things happen
480
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,778
to her and her cat.
481
00:20:57,821 --> 00:20:59,127
♪ Someone...♪
482
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:01,216
EVIE:
As many of you know,
483
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,218
I've been paying out of pocket
484
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,351
for my cat's glaucoma treatment,
485
00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:10,225
and the expenses have
entirely wiped my savings.
486
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,748
COLIN:
Since I've met her, she's had
487
00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:14,316
at least six pairs
of grandparents die.
488
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,885
...looks like I'm gonna be
sleeping in my cubicle
489
00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:20,975
-until further notice.
-No...
490
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:23,717
I asked my boyfriend, Colin,
if I could stay with him.
491
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,545
ARNIE:
What did he say?
492
00:21:25,588 --> 00:21:27,329
EVIE:
He said he's not
ready f-for that.
493
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:29,418
ARNIE:
Oh, my God.
494
00:21:29,462 --> 00:21:32,378
EVIE:I haven't used that credit cardin six months.
495
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:33,683
I'll call you back.
496
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:35,381
Oh.
497
00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:38,427
-Hi, Evie.
-Hi.
498
00:21:40,864 --> 00:21:43,389
Um, listen,
499
00:21:43,432 --> 00:21:46,479
these last few weeks
have been wonderful.
500
00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:49,046
I, uh... I didn't know
501
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:52,615
I could feel such depth
of emotion.
502
00:21:52,659 --> 00:21:55,836
Or utter, utter suffering.
503
00:21:55,879 --> 00:21:59,274
But I don't think
this is healthy.
504
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,582
-Oh, Colin.
-I-I'm sorry.
505
00:22:02,625 --> 00:22:05,367
I wish you nothing
but continued success
506
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:08,544
feeding on
the addle-brained cattle
507
00:22:08,588 --> 00:22:11,155
that waste
their lives around us,
508
00:22:11,199 --> 00:22:15,595
but I can't be around us
any-anymore.
509
00:22:15,638 --> 00:22:17,597
If you leave me, I'll...
510
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,425
I'll kill myself.
511
00:22:19,468 --> 00:22:22,471
I'll do it. I don't have
anything to live for
512
00:22:22,515 --> 00:22:23,864
if I don't have you.
513
00:22:23,907 --> 00:22:26,562
That's not true.
You do, Evie.
514
00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:28,999
You have so much more life
515
00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:31,611
to take out of these morons.
516
00:22:31,654 --> 00:22:33,352
Come here,
we'll figure this out.
517
00:22:37,704 --> 00:22:39,880
Y-You couldn't help yourself,
could you?
518
00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:42,491
I just wanted one last taste.
519
00:22:43,623 --> 00:22:45,276
Goodbye, Evie Russell.
520
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,627
Goodbye, Colin Robinson.
521
00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:52,109
Colin, don't leave me.
522
00:22:52,153 --> 00:22:55,461
I'm just kidding, you can...
523
00:22:55,504 --> 00:22:57,550
Colin.
524
00:22:57,593 --> 00:22:59,987
You can go.
525
00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:02,468
Please.
526
00:23:02,511 --> 00:23:04,513
But...
527
00:23:07,124 --> 00:23:10,084
Hi. I'm sorry, my boyfriend
just broke up with me.
528
00:23:11,694 --> 00:23:13,783
Yes, I'm calling
about my dry cleaning.
529
00:23:13,827 --> 00:23:16,482
There we are, Mother.
530
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,048
You're looking beautiful again.
531
00:23:18,092 --> 00:23:20,486
Or, as Beethoven used to say,
532
00:23:20,529 --> 00:23:23,663
"Die Busche werden
sich nicht schneiden."
533
00:23:23,706 --> 00:23:26,622
These bushes
won't trim themselves.
534
00:23:26,666 --> 00:23:28,102
But there, again--
535
00:23:28,145 --> 00:23:31,279
he was always
saying shit like that.
536
00:23:31,322 --> 00:23:34,325
♪ Please turn to me♪
537
00:23:34,369 --> 00:23:37,328
♪ More and more♪
538
00:23:37,372 --> 00:23:41,637
♪ You are the one♪
539
00:23:41,681 --> 00:23:44,292
♪ That I adore♪
540
00:23:44,335 --> 00:23:48,296
♪ Little sad eyes♪
541
00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:53,301
♪ Don't be lonely anymore♪
542
00:23:55,346 --> 00:23:58,306
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪
543
00:23:58,349 --> 00:24:03,311
♪ Little sad eyes♪
544
00:24:03,354 --> 00:24:06,314
♪ Don't be lonely anymore.♪
545
00:24:11,362 --> 00:24:13,321
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
546
00:24:15,758 --> 00:24:19,501
I'm what's known as
a psychic
or energy vampire.
547
00:24:19,545 --> 00:24:21,416
-We either bore you...
-I'm better now.
548
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:22,896
I was a little sick
this weekend.
549
00:24:22,939 --> 00:24:24,332
Or we enrage you.
550
00:24:26,639 --> 00:24:27,901
ANNOUNCER:
What We Do in the Shadows,
551
00:24:27,944 --> 00:24:30,120
all new Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
552
00:24:31,644 --> 00:24:33,559
How did this happen? Uh!
553
00:24:35,691 --> 00:24:37,171
Have you been under
a lot of stress lately?
554
00:24:37,214 --> 00:24:39,521
There's mean-girl issues
with my youngest,
555
00:24:39,565 --> 00:24:41,088
and birth control
with my oldest.
556
00:24:41,131 --> 00:24:42,916
My boyfriend broke up with me.
557
00:24:42,959 --> 00:24:44,613
-Which one?
-Um...
558
00:24:44,657 --> 00:24:46,572
-And some mornings, I just...-Oh, my God.
559
00:24:48,051 --> 00:24:50,401
Fun mom! Hey!
560
00:24:50,445 --> 00:24:52,708
Can you please arrange
for a pleasant dream
while I'm under?
561
00:24:52,752 --> 00:24:55,624
-It's my specialty, dear.
-Guess what my specialty is.
562
00:24:56,712 --> 00:24:58,409
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
563
00:24:58,453 --> 00:25:01,021
All new
Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.
564
00:25:12,206 --> 00:25:13,468
Again.
565
00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:17,385
Fosse/Verdon. All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
41802
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