All language subtitles for WhatE02

-(drumbeat)
-(clapping)

-(rhythmic breathing)
-(drumroll, fanfare)

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon.
All new, Tuesdays at 10:00
on FX.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.

NADJA:
Are we almost there?

All this walking and walking
and walking, Guillermo,

do you never tire of it?

Screw this. I'm flying.

Who's with me? Bat!

NADJA:
He doesn't have the address,
so, you know...

I don't have the address.

Vampires love virgins.

It's their favorite food.

And, um, I've managed
to find a group

with an extremely high ratio
of virgins.

So, LARPing,
as you probably know,

stands for
Live Action Role-Playing.

You will give me the scroll,

or you will taste the wrath
of my pike.

JENNA:
Some people think that

we kind of mix up reality.

Don't worry, we're well aware.

Um, we know it isn't real.

No, it's real.

Yeah.

Roll for intimidation.

(dice clattering)

JONATHAN:
Negative for intimidation.

KYLE:
Roll again.

Well, obviously they are
all virgins, so good work there.

Thank you, Master.

Shh! Guillermo!
You'll spook the virgins!

Your accent!

-I will join.
-One.

-I will join.
-Two.

Yes!

SHANICE:
Jenelf has volunteered, sire.

No. Jenelf has
but 23 hit points.

-You still have enough points.
-All who agree Jenelf

does not have enough points
to come on the quest, say "aye."

Aye.

OTHERS:
Aye.

Why do they ignore
the little female one?

Perhaps it is part
of their game.

They pretend she's invisible?

KYLE:
You call this
a sojourner's tavern?

Your mead tastes
like griffin piss.

(spits)

I don't want these virgins.

They are going to taste too sad.

-Oh, come on.
-Let's just eat the mean one.

No, I know what
you're bloody like.

If you eat the mean one, you're
gonna be mean all evening.

No, thank you.
This is a bowl of rotten fruit!

All right, I think you need
to calm down, my beauty.

-Coming?
-In a moment.

-JONATHAN: Sorry, Jen.
-SHANICE: Sorry.

Be strong, sweet little one.

Someday they will all be dead,

and you will do a shit
on all of their graves.

("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

* Don't sing if you want
to live long *

* They have no use
for your song *

* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *

* You're dead
and out of this world *

* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *

* You sold out your dream
to the world *

* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *

* You're dead
and out of this world. *

(ship horn blows)

NANDOR: Recently,
we've had a very powerful

and ancient vampire move
into the house, and it's

made things a little...

challenging.

(roaring)

The Baron has charged us
with the task

of taking power
over the New World.

He expected us to have conquered
the New World,

but I don't remember him
ever mentioning it.

NADJA:
I just remembered,

the last time me and the Baron
were making love,

he said something to me.

"If you ever get
to the New World, my dear,

"take over the land and
subjugate the entire population,

otherwise I'll have your head."

But I couldn't pay attention,

because he was doing that thing
where he pays a lot of attention

-to your area.
-His thing is,

he's got this irritating habit
of giving you orders

just at the moment of climax.

So you're both there
in the moment, and then...

he barks an order,
and you're, "Huh? What?"

"Uh... what?"

Nothing.

"I beg your pardon?"

(high-pitched);
"What are you saying?"

And he never repeats
what he said.

Expects you to have listened,
during the climax.

So I guess we conquering
the New World now.

Extend arm... and dust.

Careful of the spider house.

You wouldn't like it
if a spider came and dusted

-your house,
would you, Guillermo?
-Guess not.

(gasps)

GUILLERMO:
The worst part about having

the Baron stay with us
is the Baron's familiar.

She's so... creepy.

Oh!

GUILLERMO:
She's got everyone on edge,
popping up behind doors,

behind bushes.

(whispering):
She can hear everything we say.

Everything.

She's worse than Guillermo.

Always there.

-Why the hell are we meeting
in the fancy...
-Shh!

Why are we meeting in the fancy
room and not in the library?

Because this is
a secret meeting.

All secret meetings take place
in the fancy room.

(curtains close)

Do you want to pull the curtains
a little bit louder?

It got stuck.

-Sorry?
-It got stuck.

(sighs)

Now, the Baron's specific plan

was that we are to conquer

-North America.
-He actually said,

-"the New World."
-No, he specified
Staten Island.

No, the entirety
of North America.

Then that would include Canada.

What the fuck
would anyone want with Canada?

Apparently, there is
a very active trade

-in beaver pelts.
-Oh.

That was hundreds
of years ago, Master.

Guillermo, don't talk.

Where was I? Yes.

We need a plan
for total domination.

We could poison the humans'
milks with witch's piss.

-Uh, how would that work?
-We could assassinate the king.

-We don't have a king
in America.
-Even easier.

NADJA:
This is too much to ask.

What a big bloody cheeky jerk,
coming here,

telling us to take over
the whole of Staten Island

just by ourselves,
while I bet he's having

a lovely bloody nap up there!
I hope he's resting well!

You want me
to come sing you a lullaby?!

-Nadja, no.
-Silly boy.
-NANDOR: Nadja, don't...

-don't raise your voice.
-LASZLO: That's very risky.

-Woof!
-NANDOR: Shh! We are not alone

in this house.

Guillermo, check the curtain.

Make sure she
is not eavesdropping on us.

-Hello.
-(others groaning)

COLIN:
I was just eavesdropping
behind the curtain there.

Secret meeting, huh?

-No.
-Uh-uh.

What were you guys
talking about? Can I join?

NADJA:
No. So sorry.

We're planning your, um...

-surprise party.
-NANDOR: Yeah.

COLIN:
Oh. A surprise party, huh?

OTHERS: Mm-hmm.

Well, it's not much
of a surprise now, is it?

You know,
if-if the fun part of the party

is that it's a surprise,

and you eliminate...

all element of surprise,

then it just becomes
a party, right?

-Eh...
-So, tell me

what's really going on,
because, frankly--

let's be honest--
you've never even thought

of throwing a party for me,

-have you?
-NADJA: The Baron wants us

to take over the land,

-at least Staten Island.
-Well, it sounds like you want

to talk to the local leaders.

-Yeah.
-Yes.

Okay, well,
I-I can help with that.

-NANDOR: You can?
-I know exactly who you need

-to talk to and where to go.
-NANDOR: Show us the way,

Colin Robinson.

Let our journey
to total domination

begin this very evening!

Perhaps you could just give us
the destination,

and we could fly ahead and meet
you there, Colin Robinson.

It's kind of hard to find.

You know, I actually don't mind

taking the bus.

Everyone kind of focuses on

the "day" part of "daywalker,"

but actually, no one focuses
on the "walker" part.

You know,
there's a lot of walking...

Bat.

They're never gonna be able
to find the place.

COLIN:
Of course,
you can always have buses

that are one-tier, two-tier,

but you never see
three-tier buses.

They would be hit
when they go under bridges.

I appreciate, uh,
your perspective, Mr. Chapman,

but the zoning ordinance...

These are the ones who
rule over the local peasants?

-Yes. Isn't this wonderful?
-No.

Is it a wrestling pit?

No. No. Just-just watch.

-But when does
the wrestling start?
-Never.

You're recognized, Mr. Peterson.

Uh, according to the statute,
if Mr. Chapman's residence

was originally zoned

as a mixed-use or
multiple-dwelling structure...

I come here every week.

It's a smorgasbord of...
banality and despair.

BARBARA:
Mr. Robinson? You're next up.

-Is Mr. Robinson here?
-I'm just gonna do
a quick mega-feed,

and then I'll be right back.

BARBARA:
Mr. Robinson, are you here?

I'm holding up a finger
indicating to hold on a second.

Uh, I'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(microphone feedback)

(amplified creaking)

COLIN:
Council. Uh, Madam President.

When it comes
to zoning ordinances,

I have a few thoughts.

"Ordinance."
What does it mean?

Webster's Unabridged Dictionary

defines "ordinance"
as an "authoritative..."

We will here demand our power.

We have come up with a list
of all the things

we would like to change
once the vampires are in charge.

I'd like to see the construction
of a huge opaque dome

the size of the city,

covering the city,
and blocking out all sunlight.

No noise during daylight hours.

All local churches
to destroy their crucifixes.

A total ban on turtlenecks.

A vampire-only
television channel.

I would like for me, personally,

my favorite comedy,
Priests Falling Over.

Free but compulsory
harpsichord concerts

every day of the week.

We would have nun-free zones
with a sign that says:

"No Nuns. No Nuns. None."

COLIN:
So, in closing,
hopefully next week,

I can, uh, provide
a little bit more clarity,

uh, as to the direction

I feel like, uh,
our zoning laws should go.

Thank you so much.

BARBARA:
Thank you, Mr. Robinson.

Is Mr., uh,

Nandor?

Mr. Nandor?

Yes.

(quietly):
I got this.

-Greetings, mortals.
-(microphone feedback)

I will make this quick.

I, Nandor the Relentless,

conqueror of thousands,

immortal warrior

who has twice
turned the Euphrates itself

red with blood,

hereby demand the complete
and total supplication

of this governing body
to my command!

Submit and receive mercy.

Resist...

and only death awaits.

(man coughs)

Thank you for your input,
uh, Mr. Nandor...

He's blown it.

Hasn't even mentioned
the turtlenecks.

...to zoning ordinances,

but if you would like
to return...

-Yes.
-when we have a...

Yes, I would very much like
to-to return then.

-When we have an open session,
-Great.

you are entirely welcome
to join.

Fantastic. Great.
When would that be?

In about two months.

But if you access our website--

uh, do you have a computer?

That will be the perfect time

-for you to speak.
-Great. Fantastic.

I live on Tanglewood,

and the bar on the ground floor
below my apartment...

LASZLO:
How best to describe Nandor?
I would say that

he's blessedly unburdened
with the complications

of a university education.

But give him an ax,
and he's second to none.

Though you wouldn't want him
as your barrister.

Ha!

Don't let him fucking see this.

LASZLO:
So, their leader
is the Lazarro shrew?

COLIN:
Correct.

Where lies
Barbara Lazarro's weakest point?

Oh, her Achilles' heel?

So it's her foot?
Well, that's simple.

-I know exactly what to do.
-I meant in Greek mythology,

there's a human
who's held by his...

Stop talking.
Who would you say

is the most powerful member
of that group?

Well, Ms. Lazarro.
But Doug Peterson

is looking to unseat her
in the upcoming election.

Some people think
he has a chance.

-The streak of piss with a case?
-COLIN: Yeah.

Shall we kill him as a warning?

No. Let's use him as a pawn,

but then I will visit
Barbara Lazarro

-under cover of night.
-Yeah!

(chuckling)

Where's Nadja?

(bat squeaking)

Hello, cheeky little one.

Out having some fun, are we?

-Uh, not really.
-Oh, no.

NADJA:
I remember how it feels

to be powerless
and disrespected.

Back home in my village,
I had many strikes against me.

I was a woman, and I had Gypsy
blood, and we were so poor

that we used to use
donkey dung for fuel,

and when the donkey dung
ran out,

we would have to burn
the donkey.

So yes, I do know
what it feels like

to be mocked and teased

and to cry myself to sleep
at night

by the light
of a burning donkey.

Are those little dogshits
not giving you

the deep respect you deserve?

Yeah.

Come. Let's walk and talk about
what the future could be like

for the new Jenna.

LASZLO:
Now, my plan is to win
the trust of Barbara Lazarro.

Am I devious?

Yes, I think I am.

But as the old saying goes,

I didn't come here
to make friends.

That's bullshit.

That's exactly
what I came here to do.

-Uh, yes?
-Good evening, Madam Lazarro.

My name is Laszlo Cravensworth.

And who do we have here?

Oh, I'm watching my little
granddaughter for the night.

What a lovely little nibble
she would be.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Well, you do now.

And may I say
you are a credit

to the women's
suffragette movement.

And you're also
very easy on the eye.

And I'm glad to see
your foot injury

-isn't slowing you down.
-My what?

Your foot.

Now, I come to you
with a warning.

Those who you trust
cannot be trusted.

-But I am here
to help you with that.
-Now, if-if this is

borough council-related,
I have regular office hours.

If there is a stone,
so to speak, in your shoe

that needs eliminating...

I-I mean, the... the raccoon
population is out of control.

Saw three of them in my
garbage can this morning. Three.

-It's a nightmare.
-Really? I do like
a direct woman.

You know, I...

(baby fussing)

I really do have
to get Emily here, um,

bathed and washed.

Uh, why don't you, uh,
call my office in the morning,

and I'll... I'll try to see
if I can find someone

who can help you with whatever
it is you need help with.

It's not I who needs help,
it's you.

So it's me who's ending
this conversation.

Not you.

And...

you won't remember
a thing about it.

And, you, my darling,
won't remember a thing

about a damn thing.
(kisses)

NANDOR:
Trying to ally
with Barbara Lazarro

is a shit plan.

The power move here

is to make Doug Peterson
my personal agent of chaos.

Peterson destroys Lazarro,

Nandor destroys Peterson

and the council... is mine.

(bat squeaking)

That's a nice little bitch
you've got there.

Pardon me?

A nice little bitch
being led on a leash

by a frightened little man.

It reminds me of how you
are led about on a leash

by the human bitch
Barbara Lazarro.

Look, I don't want
any trouble, okay?

So just take my wallet.

I'm not here to rob you,
little man.

All right,
let's do it the fast way.

Tonight before you drift
into a slumber,

you will hear a voice
that will command your actions.

Okay.

Oh.

Okay. Great.

JENNA:
Is this like
a Tony Robbins, like,

Unleash the Power Within thing?

Unleash the power.
Yes, exactly. Yes.

You're saying that would help me
sed-seduce men?

And destroy them.

-And women, too. (chuckles)
-Oh.

Yeah, I-I should be honest.

I have... I have a boyfriend,

and we do s-stuff.

I mean, we do stuff on camera

because that's...
that's the stuff he likes,

and that's the stuff
that he tells me I like.

You know what? Just college is,
like, a really complicated time.

This is college, right?

Here I am, and this-this
beautiful older woman

wants to take me
on a sexual journey.

And, like, I...

Are you a junior?
Are you a senior?

I'm senior.

-(chuckles)
-Oh. Okay.

And you are just a fresh baby

shot out of her mother's womb,

glistening with light.

Thank you.

You're sure you want to do this?

Um...

I should be honest with you.

I'm a virgin.

Maybe we should just start

-with mouth stuff,
if that's okay.
-Mm-hmm. Yes.

Just mouth stuff.

(growls)

Ow. Uh...

Oh.

Wowie zowie, that is...

(muffled): Uh, shush, darling.
You don't need to talk.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I always talk too much.

Oh, ah!

The Lazarro woman's
demanded proof

of my ability as an ally,

so, uh... here goes.

Hello,
my little nighttime brother.

Fuck me.

Fucking thing just bit me.

But that'll heal immediately.

There we are.

Seems I overestimated
our kinship.

I'll have to take things up
a notch.

(clarinet playing)

(raccoons chittering)

I call out to you

through the ether,

Doug...

...Peters.

Peters?

Peterson.
Doug Peterson.

I call out to you

through the ether,

Doug Peterson.

(door opens)

-D...
-GUILLERMO: Did you call me?

What?

-I just heard...
Did you call me?
-No.

I was calling through the ether
to Doug Peterson.

-You're not calling.
-No.

If I need anything,
I will call you.

But not through the ether.

Just by regular yelling.

-All right, I'm sorry.
-It's okay.

Peterson.

Doug Peterson.

Doug Peterson.

Do you hear me call you?

I hear you.

Great.

Hi, Doug.

Now, my sweet
little baby turkey...

(chuckles)

...I'd like you to drink
something from this vial.

-Huh?
-Oh.

Is it vodka or something?

It's like a very strong spirit
with a little spicy kick.

Um, it is my blood.

Well, your blood is delicious.

(chuckles)
Why do they call it blood?

Well, it's...
it is the blood from my body,

so I-I call it my blood.
(chuckles)

(screams)

I mean, w-we don't know
who was behind this.

Is this a gang-related activity?

Is-is MS-13 sending a message?

I gave you those raccoons
as a bloody gift.

BARBARA:
This was a clear
and direct threat

to my well-being...

NANDOR:
They laughed at me.

They will not be laughing
now that I am about to unleash

my hellhound Doug Peters...

son.

...and to the safety
of every member of this council.

It's a grim portent
of things to come

if we don't surrender,
you ignorant bitch.

-(whispers): Yes, Doug Peterson.
-BARBARA: What?

I will rip your head
from your body.

And I will hang your entrails

from the traffic light
on Hylan Boulevard

so our new masters will see

that only those who submit
will survive!

Mr. Peterson,
you are way out of order.

-(grunting)
-(Barbara gasps)

Heed my vision
before it's too late!

I have received a message

from a slouching beast
in the night!

(Doug grunting)

-The man is quite obviously mad.
-DOUG: He spoke to me

-through the ether!
-Or someone's driven him mad.

Something terrible is coming!

(screaming)

-This is an embarrassment.
-DOUG: Unhand me,
you troglodyte!

Well, I did not hear you peep up

when we were coming up
with the new plan.

I was making a new vampire.

-Wait, I'm sorry, what?
-Nothing.

Perhaps we should come up
with a new plan, then.

DOUG:
Vengeance will be mine
when nightmares are made real!

-Are you leaving with us?
-No. I-I can't stand up
right now,

-if you know
what I mean. (chuckles)
-(groans)

DOUG:
Tear the fucking veil of
illusion from your eyes!

And witness the hellscape
that is our destiny!

Wh-What was that
about a vampire?

DOUG: I will tear your balls off
and feed them to your children!

I, um...

I've been fighting off
this very intense...

flu, I think. I... Um,

'cause I didn't have enough
layers on the other night.

Think it's mono.

Uh, no, I don't...

think it's...

(loudly retching)

* No vampires
remain in Romania *

* I am not
your Dracula spectacular *

* This is not your weekend
in Vegas *

* This is not
your selfie obscura *

* I am not your tour guide
of Paris *

* This is not
West Hollywood on Thursday *

* I am not your object d'art *

* I am not your sepia heyday *

* This is not the moment
we part. *

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

MAN: I was awoken

by the most beautiful woman
I had ever seen.

She was clawing
at the glass.
I was hypnotized.

I used hypnosis on him.

ANNOUNCER:
What We Do in the Shadows,

all new Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.

Okay, Tracy Cromwell.
What's your address
and date of birth?

Mom. No one ever asks for it.

I just...

Slut bucket.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

All new
Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

MAN: You are gonna
love Bobby.

-You knew I was married.
-I can't do this.

-We're making a movie.
-(shrieks)

-Where's that smile?
-Tough.

-(whispers) I love you.
-Maybe it's not so terrible.

-I'm in love with her.
-What comes next?

-Do it again.
-(rhythmic beat)

(beat stops)

Daddy.

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon.
All new, Tuesdays at 10:00
on FX.