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ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon.
All new, Tuesdays at 10:00
on FX.
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ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.
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It's nightfall.
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The job of a vampire's familiar
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is not an easy one.
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It's very dangerous.
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I mean, they are vampires,
after all.
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We can go in now.
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Good evening, Master.
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MAN :
Guillermo?
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Yes, sir?
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-Is that you?
-Yes, Master.
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-Okay.
-Okay, Master.
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It's time to... rise.
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MAN:
The... Okay.
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MAN:
Guillermo, it is stuck.
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I think it is the latch.
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GUILLERMO:
Being a vampire's familiar
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is like being a best friend.
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Who-Who's also a slave.
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-MAN: Guillermo, it's too loud.-What?
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GUILLERMO:
Tomorrow night marks
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the ten-year anniversary since
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I started working
for my Master.
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I think he's planning
something pretty special.
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: I think he's gonna
make me a vampire.
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MAN:
This is very embarrassing.
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Okay, Master.
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He awakens.
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Very cool, Master.
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Very scary.
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Thank you.
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♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
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♪ They have no use
for your song♪
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♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
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♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
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♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
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♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
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♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
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♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
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NANDOR:
Everyone?
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Nadja, Laszlo.
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-Yeah?
-Yes?
-Can you come downstairs
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for a second, please?
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Thank you, Laszlo.
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In your own time, Nadja.
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Yes, good, excellent.
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So, listen.
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We have received a letter
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and I would like very much
to read it to you.
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-But not here, we want to go
into the library.
-Why not here?
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I'd like to read it in there.
It's just a formality.
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It'll sound
exactly the same if you
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read it here than if
you read it in there.
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I'm not going to disagree with
you, but that's not the point.
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NANDOR: I was a very ferocious soldier
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in the Ottoman Empire.
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Which meant a lot of killing,
lot of pillaging.
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People would say,
"Please, don't pillage me."
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And I would say, "No.
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I'm pillaging everyone,
you included."
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I was relentless.
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They would call me Nandor
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the Relentless.
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Because I just never relent.
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So I'd like very much for us
to go into there, please.
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Just a formality.
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Come on, please,
it's just a formality.
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-You could have read it by now.-Hmm.
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Just a formality, okay?
Look, it's not even that far.
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-Oh, fuck this, fine.
-Thank you, Laszlo.
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It's just a formality,
please, Nadja.
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-Just a formality, thank you.
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Guillermo, the door.
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-That wasn't so bad, was it?
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Now before we go into
the reading of the letter,
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I wanted to talk about
general hygiene in the cell.
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-Last night,
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there were all these people
down there,
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shouting and screaming,
half-drunk.
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Where did they find the alcohol?
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No, they were half-drunk.
They'd been half drunk.
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-Oh.
-Please, finish a whole victim
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before moving on
to a next one, okay?
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It's very unhygienic.
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I think I know who's leaving
them down there,
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-but I don't want to say.-If you've got something to say,
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-then damn well say it.
-It's not hygienic.
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How dare you.
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The problems with living
with other vampires
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are the vampires
I have chosen to stay with.
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Nandor is like
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a big turkey
just walking around
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trying to control everything
on the farm.
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-Hyah!
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NADJA:
And Laszlo is my big, crazy,
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wild bear and we love to chase
each other around the house.
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-I ought to fucking kill you!
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We have a great time together.
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LASZLO:
I was the most handsome man
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in our village.
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His village
was very badly affected
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by leprosy and the plague.
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That's true.
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And I, myself,
did contract leprosy,
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but I was quite lucky
'cause it couldn't be seen.
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It was only one part
of my anatomy.
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Well, I can see it.
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Anyway, one night,
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I was awoken by this...
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horrible clawing at the window.
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And I thought,
"Who the hell is that?
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'Cause I live
on the third floor."
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So I went to investigate it,
I threw back the curtain...
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Well, I saw the most beautiful
woman I had ever seen.
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But she was gripping the window
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and she was clawing
at the glass.
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I was hypnotized.
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I used hypnosis on him.
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Which I found out later.
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Anyway,
obviously I invited her in.
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We were about to make love
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when she turned into this
hideous, leathery bat thing.
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She drained me of my blood,
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giving me the curse
of eternal life
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and thus making me
a bloodthirsty
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creature of the night.
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Why don't we just
write on them with marker pen?
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Put our names and the date?
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LASZLO:
Oh, that's a good suggestion.
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-NADJA: Yeah.
-Good idea, Nadja.
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Marker pens, Guillermo.
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Make sure they're permanent.
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-Sharpie.
-LASZLO: Genius.
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-NADJA: With date, as well.
-Yes, great thinking, Nadja.
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-And yes, this... yes.
-The name of the month,
day, year.
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Okay.
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And now we come...
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to the reading... of the letter.
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-At last.
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Guillermo? Close the door.
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-The door's closed, Master.
-Close it more.
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More.
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Good.
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-Now that we are
gathered here...
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together as one, finally,
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in accordance with
the protocols...
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Which you made up.
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Yes.
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We have received this letter.
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From Baron... Afanas.
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Really?
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Yes.
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NANDOR:
How do you...
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-GUILLERMO: Like that.
-Shh.
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The Baron...
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...is coming to visit us.
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Holy shit.
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Silence, Guillermo.
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Vampire comments only.
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The Baron never leaves
the old country.
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Has he told us what the purposeof his visit is?
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Uh...
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No.
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LASZLO:
The Baron is a firm believer
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that vampires should rule
the world.
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I think the main purpose
for the Baron's visit
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is to find out whether
we as vampires
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have populated America.
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But as you can see,
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the place is fucking massive.
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When is he coming, exactly?
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-Tomorrow.
-Shit.
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NANDOR:
Why didn't you give this
to me earlier?
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00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:28,491
It arrived this morning, Master.
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NADJA:
Baron Afanas is...
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a very charming member
of the vampire royalty.
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A few hundred years ago,
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we enjoyed a very intense,
very long sexual affair.
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It was pretty wild.
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Lots of acrobatic stuff.
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This could make it awkward,
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to see him with Laszlo...
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present.
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LASZLO:
Just between you and I,
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a while back, the Baron and I
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enjoyed a very intense
sex affair.
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Very animalistic.
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Acrobatic stuff, you might say.
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So I, personally,
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am very much looking forward
to reconnecting.
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We should get a chariot led by
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12 black alligators.
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00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,881
-I like that.
-That's a lot of alligators,
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a lot of paint.
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What about a van?
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A van?
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00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:16,583
That's not the same, is it?
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00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,323
Can you at least make sure
it's black?
200
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:21,370
Yeah. Black van for tomorrow?
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00:08:21,413 --> 00:08:24,678
Excellent. Uh, what about
the Baron's bloodlust?
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00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,549
-Virgins.
-Oh, yes, let's do that.
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00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,551
Guillermo, two virgins
by tomorrow evening.
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00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,597
-Yes, when the Baron arrives
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00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,599
we shall feast on virgin blood.
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Vampire only laughing.
207
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:43,784
-Should we tell Colin Robinson?-Laszlo,
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00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:45,699
-that is a terrible idea.
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00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,701
He'll ruin the evening.
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00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:48,963
Uh, what would ruin the evening?
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00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:51,574
I told you-- didn't close
the door properly.
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00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:54,882
Are we having a house meeting?
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00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:58,973
-No.
-No.
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00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:01,410
So, your gathering here...
215
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:03,586
is just a coincidence?
216
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,457
Yes.
217
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,678
COLIN:
My name is Colin Robinson.
218
00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:10,680
And I am what's known as
219
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:12,595
a psychic vampire.
220
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,379
Or energy vampire.
221
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:16,033
This is my office.
222
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,470
Also known
as the hunting ground.
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00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:20,516
Hi, Deb.
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00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,040
Energy vampires drain
people's energy
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00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,651
merely by talking to them.
226
00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:27,741
Actual v. Budget,
year-to-date, no thanks.
227
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:28,959
You're gonna be at that all day.
228
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:30,961
We either bore you
229
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,963
with a long conversation...
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00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,531
Feeling better now, I was
a little sick this weekend.
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00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:38,969
Hey, Don.
232
00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:40,405
Don?
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00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:42,016
I have to pee, too.
234
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,278
Or...
235
00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:44,322
Hey.
236
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:45,323
...we enrage you.
237
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:50,633
In fact, you probably know
an energy vampire.
238
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,504
We're the most common kind...
239
00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:54,289
of vampire.
240
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:58,467
We are day-walkers,
not affected by the sun.
241
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:03,690
And we are
the only kind of vampire
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00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:06,693
that can drain
another vampire's energy.
243
00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:09,478
It's very cool.
244
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,875
The power grows stronger
in him by the night.
245
00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:23,710
GUILLERMO: There's different kinds of jobs that I have to do.
246
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,930
Keep the house tidy.
247
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:28,149
Make sure there's no sunlight.
248
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,284
Sunlight! Why, Guillermo,
249
00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:37,114
why?!
250
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:40,683
Not on my watch.
251
00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,685
Getting rid of carcasses,
252
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,774
I feel, is a big one.
253
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,347
So, we are under the stairs
and this is my bedroom.
254
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,612
This is a picture of me
as Armand
255
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,570
from Interview with the Vampire.
256
00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:00,572
Played by Antonio Banderas.
257
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:02,966
That was the first time
I've ever seen
258
00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,838
an Hispanic vampire
259
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:08,145
in mainstream, like, movies.
260
00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:11,105
And I said,
"If he can do it, I-I...
261
00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,715
I can do it."
262
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,848
Guillermo... boarded
this whole window up,
263
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,719
it's a huge sunlight risk.
264
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,329
We wouldn't want the Baron
waking up to sunlight
265
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,331
and being turned into
barbecue meat.
266
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:22,333
Yeah, really cover it.
267
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:23,944
He's made a lot of comments
recently, like,
268
00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:26,381
"I'm going to make you
a vampire."
269
00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:29,210
This is a little coffin toy
that, uh...
270
00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:31,865
I hope to be
in one of these one day.
271
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,910
What ho, good friends.
272
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,607
LARPERS:
What ho!
273
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:38,915
There's still a few places
to find virgins.
274
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:41,875
LARPing stands for
Live Action Role Playing.
275
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:44,616
In regular life,
I'm just Jonathan.
276
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:47,968
But here, I am
a very high-level paladin.
277
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:49,012
GUILLERMO:
I'm not a killer.
278
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:52,015
I find people who are easy...
279
00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:54,539
to... kill.
280
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,019
Is that a 14th-century
battle-ax?
281
00:11:56,063 --> 00:11:57,804
Oh, it's so exciting.
282
00:11:57,847 --> 00:11:59,675
Uh, will we be able
to touch the swords?
283
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,809
Oh, you'll touch the swords.
284
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,943
NADJA:
We moved here from Europe
285
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:09,337
about 200 years ago
because there was
286
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:12,906
a lot of prejudice against vampires at that time.
287
00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,260
They don't like
the color of our skin.
288
00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:21,784
Or the fact that
we killed and ate people.
289
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,787
Probably more that.
290
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:27,834
LASZLO:
We're being very careful
not to stand out,
291
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,836
which is why
we're both dressed down.
292
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:32,839
-Uh, good evening.
-Go back to your own country.
293
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:34,797
What the fuck did you just say?
294
00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,625
You heard me,
Ghost of Christmas Past bitch.
295
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:37,974
Oh, Mike, shut up.
296
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:40,890
Silence to you.
We've been here since 1861.
297
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:44,198
At least, our families have.
298
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:45,982
Begone.
299
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:48,289
We should just suck their blood,I'm absolutely starving.
300
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:49,899
-They're perfect.
-No, I'm furious.
301
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:51,509
He just insulted me,
I'm in fifth gear.
302
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:53,511
-We should kill them.
-Yes, that's what I'm saying.
303
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:55,905
-We should suck their blood.
-Yes.
304
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:58,821
-LASZLO: Now?
-NADJA: Wait. Wait, darling.
305
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,476
-Now?
-Now!
306
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:03,695
What?
307
00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:05,523
-Mike?
308
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:06,960
Where the fuck are you?
309
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:09,701
What the fuck?
310
00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:15,751
Yum, yum, yum. He was delicious.
311
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,622
Now, listen,
I don't know about you,
312
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:20,103
but I'm very much in the mood
for some sexual intercourse.
313
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:24,325
Darling. Right next
to the public toilet?
314
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:26,327
Yes. But why don't I get home,
315
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,982
get cleaned up, then we can
carry on with our love-making.
316
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,245
Um, I'm going to walk home.
317
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,203
--Why the hell would you do that?
318
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:34,683
Why would you walk home?
319
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,685
When you could turn into a bat?
320
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,513
Bat!
321
00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:46,347
NANDOR: I would like some of that, uh,
322
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:49,002
colorful dust that sparkles.
323
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:51,265
-Glitter?
-Yes.
324
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:52,657
Get me some glitter.
325
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,311
Whatever for, Master?
326
00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,139
Oh, I want to do
something special
327
00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:57,924
for the Immortal One's arrival.
328
00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:01,275
I'm going to sprinkle it
on my face and on my body.
329
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:03,364
Like Twilight.
330
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:08,151
So deliciously macabre.
331
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:11,111
-Creepy paper.
-It's crepe paper.
332
00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,765
-Creepy paper.
-It's crepe paper, Master.
333
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:16,812
Creepy... Oh, multipack.
334
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,510
Master, this is
pretty "macarbre."
335
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:28,171
NANDOR:
Guillermo is my familiar,
336
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,608
but sometimes he's a little toofamiliar, you know what I mean?
337
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:32,262
I mean, he's always
just there.
338
00:14:32,306 --> 00:14:34,047
I think it's good, Master.
339
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,787
NANDOR:
I mean, he works really hard,
340
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,267
he's just not great at it.
341
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,182
Guillermo, my cape is stuck.
342
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,185
I don't like saying
this kind of thing
343
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:43,926
in front of him, of course.
344
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,320
Sorry, Guillermo.
345
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,713
I don't like saying this kind
of thing in front of you.
346
00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:50,846
That's okay, Master.
347
00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:58,201
Lot of glitter.
348
00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:02,510
-Cash or card?
-Credit.
349
00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:04,077
You cannot pay with that.
350
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,817
GUILLERMO:
I'm so sorry.
351
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,081
-Did you just throw a coin
at me?
-Yes.
352
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:10,126
Sir, you can't be throwing
ancient coins at me.
353
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:11,954
-Just... Credit card's fine.
-Guillermo, stab this man.
354
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,043
-He's joking.
-Stab him.
355
00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:15,610
-Ahh...
-Thank you.
356
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,525
-I tried, and...
-Here you go, man.
357
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,744
-Thank you so much.
-You kind of disobeyed me
just now.
358
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:20,789
And I'm noting it.
359
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:29,102
NADJA:
Recently I have been
seeing another man.
360
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:35,847
He doesn't see me, though,
because I sneak behind him.
361
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:43,333
I watch him in the night,
362
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:44,726
in secret.
363
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,090
In the old country,
centuries ago,
364
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,353
I was in a very passionate
love affair
365
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,138
with a human man called Gregor.
366
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,575
He was a knight.
367
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:10,186
He got decapitated
in battle.
368
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:13,276
I don't think I ever really
got over Gregor.
369
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,061
Even when I met Laszlo.
370
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,888
June, I've lost my boot.
371
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,630
June?
372
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:21,067
Come on, June.
373
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,807
The man I saw last night,
374
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,635
I think it is him.
375
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:28,161
I think it is my reincarnated
ex-boyfriend Gregor,
376
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,814
with his head.
377
00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:30,859
LASZLO:
Put it on, June.
378
00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:33,166
-Shut up, Laszlo!
-Yes, there we are.
379
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:34,863
Boot on.
380
00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:40,303
Okay, it's just
down here somewhere.
381
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:42,436
Why haven't I been to
this part of the house before?
382
00:16:42,479 --> 00:16:44,090
It's so lovely.
383
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,961
-No one has for 80 years.
- Gorgeous.
384
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,310
What are we doing down here?
385
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:49,051
There is a chamber, okay?
386
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,053
It's going to be perfect
for the bloodfeast.
387
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:52,837
If we have the ceremony
in here,
388
00:16:52,881 --> 00:16:55,275
then you-know-who
won't even need to know.
389
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:57,146
I mean Colin.
390
00:16:57,190 --> 00:17:00,149
-Colin, what are you doing
in here?
-Oh...
391
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:03,065
This is my bedroom.
I'm resting.
392
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:06,199
-You idiot.
393
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,635
I didn't know he was
gonna be in there.
394
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,506
-Why didn't you check?
395
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,987
It's fine, we're gonna have
the ceremony in the attic.
396
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,771
We can't,
the StairMaster's in there.
397
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,686
Well, we're going to move
the StairMaster.
398
00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:21,475
LASZLO:
Is it definitely this boat?
399
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:22,998
NANDOR:
There he is.
400
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,434
NADJA:
I knew he'd have a big box.
401
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,350
June, you need to go
and fetch him.
402
00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:32,138
WHARFINGER:
Sir, I just need someone
to sign for it.
403
00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:35,010
-Where's the pen?
-So, the tablet is the paper.
404
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,143
Your finger is the pen.
405
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,536
Okay, that's weird.
406
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,451
Okay, that's nothing.
407
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,497
Both of you, for some reason,
aren't registering here.
408
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:44,976
You got long nails maybe
or something?
409
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:46,108
Would you like a go, Laszlo?
410
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,154
-Do you have a quill?
-No, it's all digital.
411
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:49,894
Then I'm not signing that.
412
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:51,592
Guillermo, give me your hand.
413
00:17:51,635 --> 00:17:54,247
-Ah.
-Okay!
414
00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:57,554
GUILLERMO:
I think the baron
might be here
415
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,687
to see me become a vampire.
416
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:02,690
That would be really cool.
417
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:06,041
I'm ready.
418
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,351
NADJA:
I should be preparing
for the bloodfeast,
419
00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:14,702
but I can't seem to stay away
from new Gregor.
420
00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:18,227
Man. Human man. Man!
421
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,579
-S-Sorry, what did you say?
-Gregor,
422
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:23,798
it is you.
423
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:25,365
Oh, my name is Jeff.
424
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:28,803
-Jeff?
-J-Jeff Suckler.
425
00:18:28,846 --> 00:18:31,762
My sweet Greg... Jeff S...
426
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,590
Really-- J-Jeff Suckler?
427
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:36,419
-Yeah.
-Ew.
428
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:45,080
I call that "Nadja's Theme."
429
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,742
Guillermo, are the virgins
arriving soon?
430
00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:57,223
They should be
any minute now, Master.
431
00:18:57,266 --> 00:18:58,354
-Fingers crossed.
432
00:18:58,398 --> 00:18:59,660
Sorry.
433
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:02,097
Don't do that.
434
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:06,101
Ah. Dinner is served.
435
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,407
Yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum....
436
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:11,062
Hello.
So glad you could make it.
437
00:19:11,106 --> 00:19:12,368
Please come in, quickly.
438
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:18,331
Everyone, this is Jenna
and Jonathan.
439
00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:19,767
-Hi.
-Hi.
440
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:20,811
Are you virgins?
441
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,073
LASZLO:
Mm.
442
00:19:22,117 --> 00:19:23,466
I don't see how that's relevant.
443
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:24,685
-Mm.
-I'm actually
444
00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,426
in a relationship online,
445
00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:29,037
but we've yet to meet IRL.
446
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,648
Well done, Guillermo.
447
00:19:31,692 --> 00:19:32,867
Yeah.
448
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,260
JONATHAN:
All right, okay, let's do it.
449
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:39,221
Are they a vampire LARP group?
450
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:40,788
Yeah, well, why don't we
wait in here?
451
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,485
The party's gonna start
in a few minutes,
452
00:19:42,529 --> 00:19:45,227
so we can just hang out,
and I'll come get you when...
453
00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:49,013
GUILLERMO:
No. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no.
454
00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:51,146
No, no, no.
I said no!
455
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:57,587
We take our LARPing
very seriously.
456
00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:01,374
And that was just an example.
I wanted you to see that.
457
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:03,506
I'm inspired.
458
00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:05,639
So, are you a knight?
459
00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:07,902
Yeah, I'm...
Well, no, uh, sorry.
460
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:09,947
I thought you were
gonna say "night watchman."
461
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:11,471
I'm a-I'm a night watchman
462
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:13,473
Mmm.
463
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,866
Protector of the people.
464
00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:17,477
Oh, no, not-not really.
465
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:26,181
Oh, my sweet Gregor-Jeff,
466
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,532
I forgot how much ofa fantastic raconteur you were.
467
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:30,533
-Oh, yeah.
468
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:31,752
Oh, yeah, yeah.
469
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:33,449
Ooh, do you remember
that first time
470
00:20:33,493 --> 00:20:36,147
that we made love,
and it was so passionate
471
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:37,888
that I accidentally
cut off your head?
472
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:39,499
-No. What?
-Mm!
473
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:42,284
But then I kept going, squeezing
474
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,504
until my needs were met. Hmm.
475
00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,375
We should do that again.
476
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:49,073
But I mustn't.
But I want to.
477
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:50,423
But you can't.
478
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,686
But I have been married
for such a long time.
479
00:20:52,729 --> 00:20:54,427
-Oh.
480
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,215
-I must go.
-Okay.
481
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,521
-Let me just get your number
before you go...
482
00:21:01,564 --> 00:21:03,523
...so we can... I can...
we can do that again.
483
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,134
Uh...
484
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,574
-You're late.
-NANDOR: Throw it.
485
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:13,489
That's it.
486
00:21:13,533 --> 00:21:15,752
Okay, Guillermo.
487
00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:20,670
We three... not counting
Guillermo... or June...
488
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,759
or you...
489
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:25,501
are gathered here in accordancewith the ancient...
490
00:21:25,545 --> 00:21:26,763
Get on with it.
491
00:21:26,807 --> 00:21:28,156
-NADJA: Get on with it.
-Guys.
492
00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:30,376
-In bearings with the ordinance-
493
00:21:30,419 --> 00:21:33,466
of the nine generations
that have surpassed us
494
00:21:33,509 --> 00:21:36,338
before this historic
and memorable moment.
495
00:21:37,948 --> 00:21:41,212
Guillermo, open the casket
496
00:21:41,256 --> 00:21:43,606
of Baron Afanas.
497
00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:46,609
-Oh...
498
00:21:46,653 --> 00:21:48,437
Oh, it opens all by itself.
499
00:21:48,481 --> 00:21:50,483
It's so cool.
500
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,183
♪ In nomine Patris♪
501
00:21:55,226 --> 00:21:59,274
♪ Et Filii♪
502
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,451
♪ Et Spiritus Sancti...♪
503
00:22:06,803 --> 00:22:08,762
LASZLO:
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa...
504
00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:11,547
I say, old chap,
that's our familiar.
505
00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:20,077
Good God.
506
00:22:20,121 --> 00:22:21,644
Guillermo, did you see?
507
00:22:21,688 --> 00:22:23,298
He ate the familiar.
508
00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:28,172
That's scary.
509
00:22:28,216 --> 00:22:30,653
Ne la materia
510
00:22:30,697 --> 00:22:33,395
che mai non dorme
511
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:38,269
re de le forme.
512
00:22:38,313 --> 00:22:42,578
I have risen again.
513
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,755
Hello, Nadja.
514
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,496
Hello.
515
00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:49,585
He's so hilarious.
516
00:22:49,629 --> 00:22:51,631
-Laszlo.
-LASZLO: Yes.
517
00:22:51,674 --> 00:22:54,285
I seem to remember him
having genitals.
518
00:22:54,329 --> 00:22:56,592
NADJA:
No, never. That is why he was
such a good lover.
519
00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:59,334
Guillermo, fetch the virgins.
520
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,858
As an advocate of the old ways,
521
00:23:01,902 --> 00:23:04,644
-can I just apologize
for the crepe paper?
-NANDOR: Hey...
522
00:23:04,687 --> 00:23:06,689
It should have been
human skin, obviously.
523
00:23:06,733 --> 00:23:09,605
And I deeply apologize
for the StairMaster.
524
00:23:09,649 --> 00:23:12,216
-It's all his fault.
-I go through all this effort,
I get the creepy paper.
525
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,305
-I get Guillermo to...
-LASZLO: It's not "creepy."
526
00:23:14,349 --> 00:23:15,829
It's crepepaper, crepe.
527
00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:19,049
Silence!
528
00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:23,532
I come with a proclamation.
529
00:23:24,707 --> 00:23:26,840
The old ways...
530
00:23:26,883 --> 00:23:29,451
are over.
531
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:30,844
Which is what I just said.
532
00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:33,847
The New World, as you call it,
533
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,892
is our lifeline
534
00:23:35,936 --> 00:23:39,243
to an eternal future.
535
00:23:39,287 --> 00:23:40,549
Si...
536
00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:44,727
It's a documentary crew.
They're cameras.
537
00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:46,163
It's like they're not even here.
538
00:23:46,207 --> 00:23:47,817
-They are filming me?
-Yes.
539
00:23:47,861 --> 00:23:49,471
NANDOR:
Just pretend
like they're not there.
540
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:51,038
It's kind of a natural piece.
541
00:23:51,081 --> 00:23:52,735
You were saying, Baron?
542
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:55,129
Centuries have passed,
543
00:23:55,172 --> 00:23:59,525
and you have not conquered
the New World.
544
00:23:59,568 --> 00:24:02,484
You hide in the shadows.
545
00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:04,530
Bah. You are weak.
546
00:24:04,573 --> 00:24:05,705
JONATHAN:
Oh, God. Oh...
547
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:07,489
NANDOR:
Not now, Guillermo.
548
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:09,491
GUILLERMO:
Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
549
00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:11,188
-Go.
-BARON: Oh, by now,
550
00:24:11,232 --> 00:24:14,540
you should rule this,
this, uh...
551
00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:17,717
-what is this place again?
-Staten Island.
552
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,762
This Staten Island.
553
00:24:22,025 --> 00:24:24,680
Is this Staten Island
the seat of power
554
00:24:24,724 --> 00:24:26,639
in the New World?
555
00:24:26,682 --> 00:24:29,293
It is where the boat
dropped us off.
556
00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:32,645
Down with the old ways.
Up with t-the New World.
557
00:24:32,688 --> 00:24:35,517
I've been saying it for
centuries, and he would never
558
00:24:35,561 --> 00:24:37,780
-listen...
-Shh.
559
00:24:37,824 --> 00:24:41,697
Mm. I must slumber.
560
00:24:41,741 --> 00:24:43,699
But when I awaken,
561
00:24:43,743 --> 00:24:46,746
we will rule this...
562
00:24:46,789 --> 00:24:48,791
Staten Island.
563
00:24:48,835 --> 00:24:51,228
Y-Yes.
564
00:24:51,272 --> 00:24:52,665
-Yes!
-Yes.
565
00:24:52,708 --> 00:24:53,883
Nadja?
566
00:24:53,927 --> 00:24:56,930
Baron.
567
00:24:56,973 --> 00:25:00,760
-Laszlo.
-Baron.
568
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:01,848
It's Nandor.
569
00:25:07,810 --> 00:25:09,203
LASZLO:
Thank God.
570
00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:10,596
NANDOR:
The Baron is furious with us.
571
00:25:10,639 --> 00:25:13,555
It's so dumb
that I wore glitter.
572
00:25:13,599 --> 00:25:14,774
Let's get rid of this shit.
573
00:25:14,817 --> 00:25:16,340
If we don't conquer
the New World,
574
00:25:16,384 --> 00:25:17,690
he's going to kill us.
575
00:25:17,733 --> 00:25:19,605
Again.
576
00:25:19,648 --> 00:25:22,433
-Basically, we're fucked.
-Fucked.
577
00:25:24,827 --> 00:25:26,786
NANDOR:
Well, that was
a complete disaster.
578
00:25:26,829 --> 00:25:28,831
At least we have the virgins.
579
00:25:30,311 --> 00:25:32,835
-Uh, yes.
580
00:25:36,709 --> 00:25:38,406
...for an economy car.
581
00:25:38,449 --> 00:25:40,626
-NANDOR: Oh, great.
-GUILLERMO: We're too late.
582
00:25:40,669 --> 00:25:43,585
Colin Robinson has drained themof all their energy.
583
00:25:43,629 --> 00:25:45,979
COLIN:
"How are you gonna
wash this car?"
584
00:25:46,022 --> 00:25:48,285
NANDOR:
They have
no nutritional value now.
585
00:25:48,329 --> 00:25:49,722
COLIN:
And I know you two said
you don't drive,
586
00:25:49,765 --> 00:25:51,637
and don't have
driver's licenses,
587
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,726
but are you gonna do a...
588
00:25:53,769 --> 00:25:55,075
a-a different type
of car wash,
589
00:25:55,118 --> 00:25:57,643
maybe having detailing done?
590
00:25:57,686 --> 00:26:00,210
Now, detailing,
they go into your car
591
00:26:00,254 --> 00:26:02,735
and they get into the nooks
and crannies, so...
592
00:26:02,778 --> 00:26:05,302
Anyway, you take care, okay?
593
00:26:11,787 --> 00:26:13,746
You are glum, Guillermo.
594
00:26:13,789 --> 00:26:15,399
-: No.
-Yes.
595
00:26:15,443 --> 00:26:17,401
You think that I've forgotten
that tonight
596
00:26:17,445 --> 00:26:20,230
is a special occasion for you
as well, haven't you?
597
00:26:26,062 --> 00:26:28,543
Does not an anniversary
deserve a reward
598
00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:31,720
recognizing your years
of service?
599
00:26:33,026 --> 00:26:34,897
I'm ready, Master.
600
00:26:34,941 --> 00:26:36,507
Good.
601
00:26:36,551 --> 00:26:39,075
Prepare yourself.
602
00:26:43,689 --> 00:26:46,692
Happy anniversary, Guillermo.
603
00:26:50,957 --> 00:26:54,656
-Wow...
-It's a glitter portrait.
604
00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:58,921
It's a portrait
made from glitter.
605
00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:00,706
Look, it's you.
606
00:27:00,749 --> 00:27:03,099
I made you a vampire.
607
00:27:03,143 --> 00:27:04,710
And look who's next to you.
608
00:27:04,753 --> 00:27:06,102
It's me.
609
00:27:06,146 --> 00:27:08,801
-Wow.
-Enjoy it.
610
00:27:08,844 --> 00:27:11,934
You can put it
in your depressing room.
611
00:27:11,978 --> 00:27:16,156
And you deserve it.
Two years of service.
612
00:27:16,199 --> 00:27:17,853
T-Ten.
613
00:27:17,897 --> 00:27:19,725
Ten years of service.
614
00:27:19,768 --> 00:27:22,902
-Ten.
-Ten years of service?
615
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:27,820
Okay.
616
00:27:50,886 --> 00:27:52,888
NANDOR:
Night, Guillermo.
617
00:27:57,806 --> 00:28:00,766
♪ Tonight in the moonlight♪
618
00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:04,160
♪ When I'm alone with you♪
619
00:28:04,204 --> 00:28:07,990
♪ Tonight in the moonlight♪
620
00:28:08,034 --> 00:28:10,732
♪ With you.♪
621
00:28:17,478 --> 00:28:20,220
♪ Don't sing
if you want to live long♪
622
00:28:20,263 --> 00:28:23,223
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
623
00:28:23,266 --> 00:28:26,313
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
624
00:28:26,356 --> 00:28:28,837
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
625
00:28:45,593 --> 00:28:47,508
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
626
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:13,490
-Oh!
-Aaah!
627
00:29:13,534 --> 00:29:16,189
ANNOUNCER:
What We Do in the Shadows.
628
00:29:16,232 --> 00:29:19,018
All new
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.
629
00:29:20,889 --> 00:29:23,979
-We're not having a wedding.
-We're eloping, suckas!
630
00:29:24,023 --> 00:29:26,852
It's like Inceptionfor pooping.
631
00:29:30,856 --> 00:29:32,858
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst. The final season.
632
00:29:32,901 --> 00:29:35,034
All new. Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
633
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,994
How did this happen? Uh!
634
00:29:40,866 --> 00:29:42,302
Have you been under
a lot of stress lately?
635
00:29:42,345 --> 00:29:44,652
There's mean-girl issues
with my youngest,
636
00:29:44,695 --> 00:29:46,219
and birth control
with my oldest.
637
00:29:46,262 --> 00:29:48,047
My boyfriend broke up with me.
638
00:29:48,090 --> 00:29:49,744
-Which one?
-Um...
639
00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:52,007
-And some mornings, I just...-Oh, my God.
640
00:29:53,226 --> 00:29:55,532
Fun mom! Hey!
641
00:29:55,576 --> 00:29:57,839
Can you please arrange
for a pleasant dream
while I'm under?
642
00:29:57,883 --> 00:30:00,755
-It's my specialty, dear.
-Guess what my specialty is.
643
00:30:01,887 --> 00:30:03,540
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
644
00:30:03,584 --> 00:30:06,152
All new
Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.
645
00:30:16,771 --> 00:30:18,860
-Again.
646
00:30:18,904 --> 00:30:22,733
ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon.
All new, Tuesdays at 10:00
on FX.
44934
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