Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

And were you all right?

I mean you were never in physical danger.

I mean you had plenty to eat and stuff

and you know it was, we had the big screen color TV.

You watched everybody watch the Super Bowl together, right?

I wish, Dave, I wish.

What will you do now, are you famous now?

I'm big time now, Dave.

- Really? - Yeah.

Now will you continue coaching at the Y

or will do other things?

I'm out of there Dave, I'm about to blow up.

About to blow up.

Blow up, motherfucker you imploded.

Man, you were my idol growing up,

and now you're sittin' across here from me.

Do you know I cried when you lost "Survivor"?

And then just like you disappeared.

And now, now you're the number one

trending topic on Twitter.

Now I need you to help me help you.

How did those guys get to you?

Those guys didn't get to me.

State your name.

Ray Martin.

Did you kidnap Gervase?

No.

Kidnapping is a crime.

You know what that means?

It means when someone is forcibly abducted

or confined against their will.

You know what a crime is?

A crime is this coffee.

Why'd you kidnap Gervase?

I didn't kidnap Gervase.

Tell me about the last 24 hours.

Yesterday started off like any other day,

my dad asked me to meet with him in the morning.

He said, "It was important."

Hybrid, oh, fuck.

Can I help you?

Hello, Hybrid Planet, can I.

What's up dad?

Oh, hey, Ray.

How ya feelin'?

Everything hurts all the time as yoozh.

I hear ya.

What the hell's that noise?

It's the air conditioning, it's on its last legs.

Just like me.

Listen, I wanna run somethin' by ya.

Well, good 'cause I actually,

I got somethin' I wanna run by you.

- Really? - Yeah.

You go first.

Okay, it's official, I have no idea what I'm doing here.

I'm completely out of ideas

and this place has clearly gone

in the dumper as a result so, so.

So?

We have a good deal of debt as you know,

and steady client base, loyal, loyal customers

but that's not enough to erase the debt

so if we don't turn things

around really soon, like yesterday we're fucked.

And by we, I mean you.

So this puppy it's all yours pal.

Whatta ya think?

I'm just a driver, Dad.

No, no, no, that's it, I'm done, I'm tired

and I have no more ideas.

Look all I've done since your mom died

is just try to run this place

and I've done it, I've run it right into the ground so.

I don't know anything about running a business, Dad.

Well clearly neither do I.

Have you thought about an app?

Yeah, I've been thinkin' about chicken wings.

- No. - Like, no seriously.

No, no, no.

I've been thinkin' about 'em all morning.

No, how about updating the website?

Dude, I can't even answer my phone.

This son of bitch been ringing all morning.

I can't even answer it.

I'm not even gonna talk about advertising.

You know let me just get to why I'm here.

- Okay. - Okay.

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks.

Good, 'cause I got nothing.

- All right. - So go.

Here's the plan,

I got a TV show idea

where I interview celebrities in our hybrids.

Then we get advertisers to pay to advertise on our website.

Boom.

I'm out of ideas but that's fuckin' crazy that one.

And you couldn't even ask at better time,

there's a movie convention in town this weekend.

I already have the GoPro set up,

I know a hotel everyone's staying at,

I'm bound to get somebody.

I'm bound to get some wings, what do you think?

Come on. Yeah, that's fine.

All right. All right.

Let's go to lunch.

Hold on, that's my boss calling.

Hey.

Summer, I'm over here at the hotel right now

I gotta do this interview for "The Urban Yodeler".

I don't even wanna do this interview.

They're talkin' about doing an "Urban Yodeler 2"

and they're gonna have Denzel Washington do this.

I wanna do "Urban Yodeler 2".

This is a stupid shirt.

I don't even know if I wanna wear this shirt

and I don't know where you,

I need you here with me right now.

I need ya to get here now.

Gervase Peterson.

No, not Ricky Gervais, Gervase Peterson.

He was on the very first season of "Survivor".

He was huge.

Gervase Peterson.

Gervase Peterson.

Yes, well there was a bit of a dip but he's back.

Perhaps you've heard of his most recent feature film,

"The Urban Yodeler".

He's not a trained actor but he, he has charisma.

"Urban Yodeler", "Urban Yodeler".

He's it better than mediocre at acting.

He just stared in "The Urban Yodeler".

He just stared in "The Urban Yodeler".

He just recently filmed a feature

called "The Urban Yodeler", perhaps you've heard of it.

You haven't.

No, not extra work.

He's too big for that.

He's a star.

How much do extras get paid?

Stand-in work is fine.

Okay.

Too-da-loo.

Sweet Gervase, how could life get any worse for you?

Thank you.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You got this. - Yeah.

Don't be a bitch.

Leslie, what happened to our first guest?

He canceled.

He canceled, you're just telling me now.

This the best you.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "Marquis Jackson Show".

Our first guest was on the mega hit "Survivor"

not once but twice.

Please welcome Gervasa Peterson.

It's Gervase Peterson.

Right.

So tell me, what was it like being naked

on national television?

You're there waving your junk around,

I know they blocked it out

but it's gotta get cold sometime, right.

That can be embarrassing.

No, no, no, that was Rich,

the fat hairy naked guy.

- Wow. - Yeah, that wasn't me.

Right, you know what?

Let's throw all that out.

What are you here to do?

You're here to promote "The Urban Yodeler".

Yes.

- "The Urban Yodeler". - Yes.

What a title.

I didn't get a chance to watch it.

All right, full disclosure

I couldn't get myself to watch it.

The premise is just ridiculous to me.

What's a black man know about yodeling?

Really?

You don't yodel in the urban section man, you rap.

If you did urban rapper I could understand that

but urban yodeler, it's gonna be a flop.

I gotta tell you it's a disgrace.

I'm a disgrace.

Yeah, I mean I'm being honest here.

Are you serious right now?

What?

You're gonna disrespect me like that!

I'm your third cousin twice removed!

I'm gonna have my mom call your mom, how about that?

Then whatta ya gonna do, huh?

I'd like to be your third cousin all the way removed.

Fuck you, Marquis!

You know this ain't 18 years ago

when I needed you, remember that?

When I asked you to help me with that vape company.

I came to you for a loan.

You turned your back on me.

It's a stupid idea!

It's not a stupid idea.

That was a stupid idea!

It wasn't stupid, it was vape pens!

We both could have been millionaires!

I will see you at Thanksgiving!

Oh, no you won't, no you won't!

I'm not comin'!

Well ladies and gentlemen,

I don't think he'll be getting a rose.

That's "The Bachelor" motherfucker!

So were you behind that, Avery?

Well, you just had a melt down

on live national television, Gervase.

Not good.

And on top of that Denzel just got signed

for "Urban Yodeler 2".

So we're pretty much in the shit my friend.

So I don't know what you're doing

but I'm going to keep on drinking.

- Hey, wait Avery. - Yes.

- Avery. - Okay.

- Avery. - Thank you, Gervase.

Goddammit doesn't anybody say good-bye anymore?

How's it going boss?

Yo, Vanilla Ice make a move.

Let's go, jipbag!

I'll be, I'll be right back.

Kevin Garnett in my restaurant.

- No. - Dude, this is Philly,

I'm a Sixers fan but my son

is a blow out, blow out Celtics fan.

- No, no, no, no. - You don't understand.

- No, no, no- - Shh, shh, shh.

You have soft, very soft lips.

Can you take a picture for my son?

This is unbelievable.

How's the pizza?

You like a little salt?

No, it's good.

The pizza's great.

Awesome.

Wait, I'll get the, there ya go.

He's gonna shit his pants.

This is unbelievable.

How long you in town for?

Yo, I'm not Keven Garnett.

I'm Gervase from "Survivor".

You're not.

- No. - But your face

it's just, it's so the same.

I know, I get it all the time.

Yeah, when I do this.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

I know.

People say I look like him but it's not me.

I'm really sorry.

That's cool, it's a nice hat though.

No way.

Enjoy the pizza.

Have a good day.

This is the worst day ever.

Wait, are you Gervase,

are you the Gervase from "Survivor"?

Yeah.

Can I sit down?

Yeah, sure.

This is my assistant Summer.

- Hey. - Hi.

And that's when I met Ray.

And that's when I met Gervase.

I heard your name over there

and I just felt like maybe this was meant to be.

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Okay, my dad owns a chauffeur service

and he's gonna lose his company

'cause Uber is crushing him.

So I came up with a show idea

where every week I would drive a celebrity in the car.

Like Seinfeld?

Yeah, sort of like Seinfeld but different.

Now listen, I got lucky enough

because this movie convention in town

and I got the kid from "Rookie of the Year".

Smalls?

No, that's "The Sandlot".

The other kid, he was in "American Pie".

Ah, Stifler.

No, they other guy.

The one who always bring everyone together

and you know always calls his brother for advice.

Thomas Ian Nicholas.

Who's the most famous person you ever met?

I met Stallone once.

I wanted to buy him a drink but he said, "No."

He was like, "No, thank you, that's all right,

don't worry about it."

I was like, "I thought you love almost everybody, you know."

And then he was like, "All right, stop doing that."

So.

He was my first interview,

I didn't do too good with it.

Are you filming this right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that a problem?

I mean.

I'm sorry.

He got out on the highway.

He's small, there's cars, there's trucks out there.

That's neither here nor there.

I'm here, he's there, you're here in front of me.

Not sure if you're aware

but there's a movie convention going on

right about your head.

- Yeah, I know. - Okay.

Listen, here's what I need,

if there's any chance do you know anybody

that's signing up there?

I mean, everybody's gonna be up there.

I'm gonna be up there.

For what?

Everything that I do.

Okay, let me give you my card,

if there's anybody you can think of call me.

I would go up myself but my mind,

I'm just on overload from everything that happened

and I'm honestly concerned about little Tommy.

Look, I got a better idea,

there's a after party tonight at Barnaby's

and all the celebs are gonna be there from the convention.

- Okay. - All you gotta do

is go there, you're bound to meet somebody.

Is there like a list or anything.

Nah, nah, just walk right on in.

And look I mean I guess if you're not gonna go

and I see somebody I give you a call or somethin'.

I can't thank you enough.

I really appreciate you, sir.

I appreciate, thank you, Gervais.

Thanks, it's Gervase though.

Take care.

What are you fuckin' stupid?

That's the perfect opportunity.

I'm not doing that bullshit.

That guy's an asshole.

You forget about that bomb of an interview

or the fact that you got shit canned today,

do you remember that?

Good point.

Yep, damn good point.

Fuck me.

I mean three autographs in three hours.

You gotta do better than that buddy.

I know, Summer, I know.

Aren't you that guy from "Survivor"?

Yeah, I am.

Cool.

What else you been in?

A bunch of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff.

All right, I'm out.

Ya outta here?

Talk to ya later.

All right, Summer.

- Hey, crybaby. - Yeah.

- Take my seat. - I will.

Hey Ray, what's up man?

What's up, buddy?

Thanks for inviting me.

Glad you made it down, man.

I did, thanks for the invite.

Yeah, no problem.

Any luck?

Nah, you know what, I didn't have any luck

at the convention finding anybody for you

but you know what?

I was looking at your card

and I was about to give you call, man.

I'm gonna do your show.

You'll do my show.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do your show.

How about you do the show

and then maybe we get somebody bigger to do the show?

- You know- - Like with you or something.

How about that?

I mean, if you could find somebody

but you know you got me now.

But you were supposed to find me somebody.

Excuse me barkeep, barkeep.

What's up, bud?

You guys serve raw eggs here?

Ah, fuck my life.

Raw eggs.

Yeah, raw eggs, just got done throwing some plates

around at the gym and need a little protein.

Does this look like IHOP to you, bud?

No, looks like a nice bar.

I'll just have a beer, anything alcoholic.

Yeah, that's a good choice.

Oh, my God, if it isn't Gervase Peterson.

Holy cannoli, we are in the presence

of a pure acting genius.

I love you, man.

Oh my God.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

- How are ya? - I appreciate that.

Names Tanner, Tanner Murphy.

Hey, nice to meet ya, Tanner Murphy.

That's a unique name Tanner Murphy.

It is kind of a unique name.

Yeah, yeah, the stories of its origins

are quite fascinating as well.

You see when I was born I came out of my mom's crotch

extremely tan, like I had been baking in the sun for hours,

I was tanner than all the other babies

in the maternity ward.

I was practically black.

Hence the name Tanner.

Okay, that's a good one, Tanner Murphy.

I'm not sure why the shits so funny 'cause it's true.

Here we go.

Oh my bad, man, I thought you were just joking about-

- So where are they hiding all the good looking chicks,

in the back of this joint or something?

I know you from somewhere.

- Oh, my God, yeah. - Hold on.

- Yeah, you do. - Don't tell me,

don't tell me.

I'm your brother-in-law ya idiot.

Ray, wait a minute, I can't have a brother-in-law

my parents aren't divorced.

I am your sister's husband.

- That's it. - That's it.

That's it.

Yes, that's the one.

Excuse me for a minute.

Are you serious that's you brother-

- Yeah, that's my brother-in-law.

Can I get a beer?

Give me a beer.

- Coming up. - Thank you.

Yo, what are ya doing?

Never heard of that game.

- No. - That's the cheeky game.

- The cheeky game. - Yeah.

Ya never played.

What you do is you scour the area, right,

see a lot of strangers, right.

- Right. - And somebody you do not know

you gotta go up to 'em, sneak up to them,

you put your cheek on their back, okay.

The person that leaves the cheek

on the back of a stranger the longest wins.

- Great game. - Fun.

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah.

Right now I'm not playin' with anybody just practicing.

He plays by himself.

In order to master the craft one really has to practice.

- Don't touch me. - You know what I'm saying?

Man, I wanna play this game.

- You wanna play this game? - You don't wanna play.

- No. - Oh my, Gervase Peterson.

Listen, listen, it's all in the mind, right.

Ya scour the room, look at the room.

The most unsuspecting person you do it to.

Sneak up, gotta be quiet, ya gotta be quiet.

Oh my God, he did it.

Gervase!

I can't believe I played the cheek game

with Gervase Peterson.

Yeah, that's a cool game.

My buddies in my wrestling fantasy league

are not gonna believe this.

Yeah, that's pretty cool man.

Now, if you can hold it a minute you win.

A minute's the record.

Yeah, check out this chick.

She's gonna get it, she doesn't even know.

Watch and learn my little Jedi.

Let's see this, Tanner.

Why we leavin', Ray?

I don't wanna leave.

Why we leavin', Ray?

Because we're gonna, we need to leave.

- But I'm having fun here. - The night not over.

- Ray. - My dad's picking us up.

I don't care about your dad picking us up.

Listen, we're gonna have fun.

I need to get away from my brother-in-law.

I don't wanna, I'm having fun, Ray.

I don't wanna leave here.

Come on, I got, my dad's picking us up.

I know.

How come?

I don't care, I don't care, Ray.

Just open the door. You had a hell of a day.

We're gonna go out and play.

Open the door, Ray, I'm comin'.

Open the door, open the door.

Come on man, Gervase.

- I'm not coming. - Just don't go back inside.

Just get in the car. I'm not going, Ray.

Ray, I'm not comin', Ray.

Would ya get him in the car?

Get him in the car.

Quit being an asshole, Gerv.

It's good, just get in the car, we're gonna have fun.

Stop it.

Get in the car!

You're outta control.

Just tryin' to help ya.

What's up, buddy?

How ya doing? How's it goin' guys?

What can I do for ya?

Can we get two American with?

You got it, that's $20.

Let me get to American with.

Hey, what happened to my picture man?

It used to be up here.

You had a picture up here?

Hell yes, I had a picture up there.

You know what, don't even worry about that.

I'll take care of that right now.

Here ya go. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

you got a picture that you hold in your bag?

I was just at the convention earlier man,

signing pictures, so you know just like to be prepared.

Wishful thinking, wishful thinking.

Here's your sandwiches.

Thanks buddy, appreciate it.

You're welcome.

Hey find a good spot for that.

- Yeah he will, he will. - Right here in the front.

Come on, come on.

- That spot right there. - He will.

Should I do one or two Gerv?

Come on, Ray, you only live once.

Take 'em both.

Actually, you only die once,

you live everyday.

Was that?

Nah. Nah.

Oh my God.

Ray.

Ray, honey.

Ray!

What?

- Hi. - What?

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi, so you had fun last night.

Mm-hmm.

Who is the mysterious man downstairs on our couch.

What, what'd he look like?

Well, he's tall, he's dark, bald,

probably handsome if he was drooling.

Ring a bell.

Yeah, it does.

That's Gervase.

Okay, great, what's he doing here, honey?

I met Gervase yesterday at the movie convention.

He invited me to the after party

and he could barely walk or talk on the way out.

And his assistant left him

so me and my dad gave him a ride home.

That reminds me my dad, I have to go to office

and see if he can get my rides covered.

Anyway you can watch Gervase till I get back?

I need to get the rides covered,

get back here, become Gervase's good buddy,

and then he'll do the show

and get his friends to do the show.

And then everybody's happy.

In case you forgot we have three children

and I have to get them ready for school

plus I have a ton of errands to run today so sorry.

I'll call your brother.

Good luck with that.

Thanks.

All right, two out of three falls.

You were lucky last time.

Here we go.

Whatta ya think of that, huh, huh?

Headlock city, baby!

Hello.

Hey, how you doin'?

Ray, Ray who?

Oh Ray, right, right, right, Andrea's wife, I mean husband.

That's what I meant, sorry.

I'm okay, I'm just you know exercising.

What do you want?

Oh yes, Gervase, yes, I know him well.

Okay.

You want me to come over and watch 'em?

Don't touch 'em.

At all?

Okay, all right, all right, right, all right.

I'll see ya in a half, buh-bye.

This is it Tanner.

This is what you've been waitin' for buddy.

Don't fuck it up.

Mom!

Mom, where's my lucky tank top?

Mom, Mom, where is my tank top, my lucky tank top?

She always leaves, I never know where she goes.

I need my lucky tank top.

What's up, Dad?

What are ya doing?

Oh man, can you get my rides covered?

No sweat.

Yeah, we're good.

- Ya all right? - I got ya.

Ya sure?

Yes, yes, yes, no problem.

Like I got fuck all else to do, come on.

Okay, cool, awesome.

- Ray. - Yeah.

Look Ray, let me just tell ya a little something

I've been wanting to share with you for awhile.

You probably know that we had five miscarriages

before you were born. Right.

And you were premature, you know,

and we were worried to death.

And when you were in the incubator

your mom slipped into a coma.

She came to, obviously.

Yeah.

And she started praying nonstop,

just begging God, nagging him frankly,

she said, "That if she could please live

until you were 21 then he could take her."

She said that?

Somethin' huh?

Sweet isn't it?

She died three months after my 21st birthday.

I know that.

Why ya telling me this now?

Well, I just thought you should know

that after all these years you killed your mother.

Oh my God, Dad.

By turning 21 you killed your mother.

Are ya done?

All right, all right, all right, no, no.

You did however kill my wife.

That- I'm done with ya.

All right.

I'm done with ya.

Cover my rides, all right.

- I got ya covered. - Yeah.

Stop smokin' that shit. Okay.

Good morning sleepy head.

Oh!

Yo. Hold on.

Yo, yo where's my shirt?

- Relax. - Where's Ray?

Relax, don't worry about your shirt or Ray.

Ray has hired me to look after you.

You cannot leave.

Who the hell are you?

It's me Tanner.

No, no, get my shirt, find Ray.

No, no, I'm not getting either, okay.

And I have to warn you I'm a lifelong WWF fan,

if you move any closer

I will be forced to Hulk Hogan your ass.

What the hell are you talkin' about, man?

Hulk Hogan was a bitch.

What?

Wait a minute, are you talking

about the Hulk Hogan from WCW with black,

'cause then I'd probably agree with you?

'Cause yellow and red was definitely not a bitch.

No, the WCW Hogan was the dope one,

that WWF with the yellow was all whack.

What did you just say?

You take that shit back!

For what he was whack.

Let's go, let's go.

Won't take it back JYD,

me and you, right now, come on.

- What, ya want some? - Me and you.

Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, oh you know wrestling then.

And in breaking news this morning

Gervase Peterson, the breakout star

from the hit reality TV show "Survivor"

has reportedly been kidnapped

after making an appearance last night

at Barnaby's Pub and Grill in Havertown.

Sources say, "The reality star was shoved

into a car, which was seen fleeing the seen."

We take you know to Cisco, who has more.

Hi, this is Cisco in the city

and I'm reporting live from Barnaby's in Havertown

where Gervase Peterson from "Survivor" was last seen.

And here's a recent picture of Gervase.

Police believe that he could be in danger.

Please take a look.

Dude, is that Gervase?

I thought that guy was dead.

Celebrities, that's it.

I'll get a posse of celebrities to rescue Gervase.

TMZ will shit themselves.

Gwyneth, Brad.

I know Tom Hanks.

Meryl, Meryl owes me a favor.

Bobby D.

Will Ferrell.

Come on Gervase, this isn't funny.

I'm out here in my skivvies.

Come on, I want my pants back!

And this neighbor got kids runnin' around,

I'll be on that show with the reporter and the perverts!

Where he brings the pizza.

You know what, just open the door.

Thank God I got my clean undies on today.

This isn't funny!

Ray will be home any minute!

Hey, you're home.

Ray, that son of bitch ripped my pants right off me.

Right off my fanny, Ray.

And the doors locked, I can't even get in.

It was in there tight.

Yeah.

You have a change of clothes?

Yeah, upstairs.

The kids are gonna be home soon.

Please go upstairs.

Ray, where you been man?

What happened?

I wake up I got this goofy bastard starring at my face.

Then he starts some shit with me

and I had to whoop his fat ass.

Let me piss, tell me all about it.

Hey, what's up, Avery?

Gervase, turn on the television right now.

- Hey, Ray - What?

Turn the TV on.

Gervase Peterson is the number one

trending topic on Facebook and Twitter.

People everywhere are showing

their support for Peterson. What?

With the hashtag stealing a survivor.

Peterson's longtime manager Avery Masterson.

That is a handsome man.

Right? Right.

We can say that, right?

Oh yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Just two guys. - Yeah, sure.

Can recognize a guy's good lookin'.

You're everywhere Gervase.

All over the news, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, everywhere.

Gervase, you're trending for the first time in 19 years.

I don't know what you're doing

but wherever you are can you stay there

for the next 24 hours and not talk to a soul?

I don't know.

Just do it.

Trust me, I have a plan to get you back on top buddy.

Stay put.

Local police have yet to-

- That was manager Avery.

What's up?

We're investigating all-

- He wants me to stay here.

- To the whereabouts- - Why?

- Mr. Peterson at this time. - I'm trending.

For what, why they even think you're kidnapped?

I don't know.

I make the calls, I make the calls.

Hello, Rita.

Yes, this is Avery.

Is Tom Hanks home?

Please tell him that Avery called.

Ms. Streep, you may not remember me but.

Tom, yes, Tom, I still have your number.

Hi Will, it's Avery from Improv Group.

Yes, and I am also calling you.

Yes, and I need a favor.

Tom, Tom Hanks, please don't hang up.

Look Meryl, I don't have time to go into that now.

I just need a favor.

Dwayne.

Yeah, I'm calling for that favor.

Yes, and the aliens are coming.

Will, goddammit I just need a favor.

Ms. Streep.

Gwyneth.

Mr. Ferrell, Will.

We'll be keeping you updated

as the story develops.

Everyone on social media is buzzing.

- Rematch! - Kidnap reality star Gervase-

- Tanner!

Oh shit! Peterson.

- Woo- - Was attending.

- Bitch! - An after party last night

when he was reported.

Oh.

I think that's Jeff Probst,

the guy who lost all that weight eating Subway.

- The Subway guy. - The Subway.

Oh my, oh, this is terrible.

Poor Gervase.

I had no idea.

Who is that brute?

He should be arrested for his hair alone.

So you don't know the guy with Gervase?

Why haven't you released this yet?

Well, you know we got other stuff,

other leads we gotta look at

and you know we're not TMZ or anything.

Right, because it would make fast headlines then

and we wouldn't want that yet, would we.

Could I have a copy of this?

Actually no, you know police procedure.

You don't know the guy in there.

No, I do not recognize this other gentlemen

but he should be pursued and arrested

as soon as humanly possible.

Excellent, okay.

So thanks a lot for your time

and enjoy the rest of your day.

Maybe just a screenshot.

Nah, look here's the thing,

we can't release the tape

because you know it's evidence technically so

if we violate any evidence and stuff like that,

you know we can get in trouble.

So you know it's not you, it's us.

You ever see "Law & Order"?

You know how they don't do any extra work

than they kinda of have to.

So just if you don't mind,

give me my phone if you mind please, if you don't.

Thank you.

We'll be on our way Mr. Masterson.

And we got stuff to do.

Let's go partner, we're double parked.

Yes.

I'm gonna tell you this one time and one time only,

I'm a Gervase fanatic.

I don't go to sleep without puttin' my tiki light out.

But something in here stinks in my nostrils.

And I think it's you.

So motherfucker if you had anything to do with this shit

I'm gonna come for your ass.

Look, you gotta relax.

I got 37 days left till retirement.

From here on out let's play by Vince's rules.

Okay, number one we don't chase after anybody

that's why we got the car and the radio.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't know if you can tell or not

but I've been in the gym.

Yeah, I'm ready for all that physical action.

Matter of fact, I was thinking you and I

can be like new the "Bad Boys".

No, no, listen I can't be runnin' after anybody.

You know I got plantar fasciitis in both feet.

What?

It's a thing where your arch kinda, google it, okay.

Number two, my coffee, one cream, one Splenda,

that's the yellow packet.

Most importantly, make sure before every shift

our car has a full tank of gas.

I want that tank right on F.

Why?

Because we don't wanna run out of gas

when we're chasin' after somebody.

Why do you think OJ drove so far in the Bronco,

all afternoon he drove, you know why?

Full tank of gas.

It's right here.

Look fellas, we don't need to do this man, I'm okay.

No, no, you gotta let me make this right dude.

I'm the one that dropped you okay.

I'm sorry I snuck ya, had to do it.

- Okay, Tanner. - Had to show you what's up.

Okay, this guy's gonna make everything better, all right.

I play bocce ball with this guy, he's awesome, okay.

How do you know him?

I played bocce ball with him.

- Oh great. - Now listen-

- You play bocce ball?

Yeah, I'm very, very good.

I'm actually a superstar, this guy's pretty good too.

But listen I'm really sorry I hit ya.

I mean you went down hard, man.

You went down like sack of potatoes.

Okay, Tanner.

I mean really I knew I was strong

but I didn't know I was that strong.

- Tanner. - That was incredible.

- Tanner. - Oh dude,

I'd broke your neck.

- We get it. - Sorry.

We definitely get it, Tanner.

Sorry.

All right, just knock.

Tan Man.

- Hey, my man. - Get in here.

How ya doing?

You look gorgeous.

- Thank you, man. - You losing weight?

Slimming, this is slimming.

Yeah, yeah, get in here, let's do this.

Easy jump street.

- What? - All right,

we'll be a couple minutes.

All right, into the light, let me take a look at ya.

Have a seat my man.

He's gonna help you out here man.

- Both of ya. - Yeah.

- Relax. - What a great spread.

Oh thanks, brother.

Help yourself, got ya a Slim Jim.

Ah, you're the best.

All right, help yourself if you want,

if you're into pills or powder.

- No. - All right, the tincture's

for you buddy.

- This right here. - Yeah.

Nice cold refreshing, it'll really hit the spot.

Nothing like a good tincture.

- Yeah. - Did you make it?

- I did. - You the man.

I did.

It had a couple go arounds

but it finally came out right, I think.

Well, we shall see.

Not bad, huh? That's pretty good, man.

Yeah.

All right, riddle me this, are you allergic to eggs?

No.

- Peanuts? - No.

- Walnuts? - No.

- Any tree nuts? - No.

- Carbon? - No.

Wheat?

No, I'm not allergic to anything.

Not allergic to anything.

Any active STDs?

- What? - Good question.

No.

All right, we're all friends here.

It's cool man. We're all buddies.

Let's fix that neck up.

Yeah, all right, good.

All right I got a little lotion here.

This is from the craters of Peru.

Is that gonna help him?

Rosemary, juniper, no, this is just,

the forced air really dries me out.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah, no.

All right, all right, I'm just gonna get in here.

Don't get, easy.

All right, all right, easy does it.

Don't be weird. It's all right.

Don't be weird, it's easy.

Everything's gonna be all right.

All right.

I sense a lot of fear.

- Yeah. - Maybe a little shame

in there, huh.

That right side real tight.

I'll tell you what, what you just drank

is gonna wash over you like a warm blanket my man.

It's gonna put ya into a little place

I like to call twilight.

Okay, what you've taken my friend

is a combination of narcotics and a little softener,

a little ex-lax, just to soften the blow.

It's not gonna run through ya too quick

but you might spend a little time on the potty.

In an hour or so you'll be right as rain, all right.

There she goes.

Looks like he's going.

There you go.

All right, steady as she goes, sweet dreams, bud.

Where do I know this dude from?

Who is this guy, what's going on?

You didn't hear?

What, what do we got cooking?

You don't know who this is?

You said Gervase.

Gervase Peterson

"Survivor".

- "Survivor". - "Survivor".

Gervase Peterson.

I know I recognized him.

I thought he was tax man or something.

Yeah, no, no, he's still going.

Well, anyway everybody thinks he's kidnapped,

it's all over the news.

Why do they think he's kidnapped?

I have no idea but they do.

Tan Man, did you kidnap him?

Tanner kid, kidnapped me.

- No, no, no. - Ya kidnapped him.

- No, no, no. - My man.

No, I didn't, no I did not.

Yeah!

Is that good though?

Yes, it's great.

Been waiting for this, brother.

I want in.

- In what? - I'm in, I'm in the heist,

I'm in the caper till the wheels come off motherfucker.

With the kidnapping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we can make a lot of money.

This is the great white whale.

How we gonna do that, what are we gonna do?

What you wanna do?

First thing first, we gotta get him

out of the country, right?

I've been making connections I didn't know why

but now I do.

I got a guy who ships cargo from here to Peru.

- Cargo. - Yeah.

He can't be cargo, he's Gervase.

Yeah, he can ship Gervase.

Really?

Yeah, drill a couple holes.

Wait is the narc in on this?

What narc, no, he's not a narc.

He's my brother-in-law.

All right.

I'm gettin' ahead of myself.

Right.

All we need is a rendezvous point.

- Yeah. - Navy Yard.

Okay, all right, and how we gonna do this?

Whatta we gonna?

Well, I got a minivan.

- Okay. - We need proof of life.

Proof of life.

- All right. - So how we do that?

Well, we gotta take a picture, a drawing,

a picture's better than a drawing.

You got a picture phone?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's right here.

All right, perfect.

What are ya gonna do?

Well, password protected.

- Yeah. - Bocce!

Yeah, that's good.

I got the police hotline on speed dial,

I got the number on the fridge, buddy.

We need the date, my man, we need the date.

Grab that calendar of there.

- I love pictures man. - Get in on this, Tan Man.

- You want me in it. - Yeah.

Get in his lap.

All right, all right.

And ya gotta point to today's date.

Tanner!

Hey, what's up, Gervase?

See this is gonna work.

Nobody's lookin' for you Tanner.

No, no not at all.

So point to the date and kidnapping on three,

one, two, three.

Kidnapping.

Excellent, that's nice,

you guys this is nice, this is warm.

Warms the house up.

Awesome.

I'm gonna send this off to the police hotline.

- Great, all right. - Oh.

Sweet baby Jesus.

Hey.

Ray's here!

Ray's here, hey Ray.

What, what are you doing?

- Nothing. - He's not Santa Claus.

No, no, I know but I just, we're-

- We're all set, we're all good.

Everybody's cool. Okay.

Yeah, we're good.

What did you do to him?

You said this guy was good.

This guys is good, he's very good.

He's- Is he high?

- No. - Ray.

What?

Ray, I'm great.

See he's great.

He's great see.

You gotta help me get him home.

How we gonna get him home?

Well, I'll help ya.

I took care of proof of life, we're good there.

He did, yeah, we're good.

Proof of life for what?

Just proof of life, he's alive.

He's alive, right.

For sure he's alive.

Yeah, we proved it.

Yeah.

You're gonna explain this in the car.

We're all on the same team here.

All on the same team.

What team?

- The team. - The team that

helped him get better, that's what team.

There we go, all right, ooh, ooh, it's okay,

it's all right, buddy.

You're the best, thanks.

I owe you solid.

See you at the rendezvous.

All right, buddy.

- What rendezvous? - Yep.

See ya later doc.

- All right, brother. - Thanks buddy,

you're the man.

All right.

30 years I've waited for a rendezvous point.

Thank you Tan Man, blessings.

I'm gonna make some eggs.

- Hey, Ray. - Oh hey, Ray.

How ya doing?

I can't feel my ribs.

What did you do to me?

What'd you guys do to me?

Hey, Daddy.

Hey, honey.

Well, look who it is.

Hey, baby.

Hey, sis.

Not now, Tanner.

What a day.

Yeah, you, you're all over the news right now.

You high?

Is he high?

- No. - Is he high?

Nope, not high.

He's high.

- No, he isn't. - Raymond, upstairs now.

She called me Raymond.

Not good.

Get him comfortable.

Sure.

I'll be back.

You want a banana?

No.

Protein.

Some Cheetos or something?

Taco bell run?

Hello, gentleman, can I help ya?

Sorry to bother you, sir, we got a few questions.

Would you mind coming down to the station for a little bit?

Sure, what's this in regards to?

Like you don't' know.

One of your vehicles was used

in a possible crime last night.

Oh boy.

Sure, yeah, let's go.

Look what just came in to the tip line.

You gotta be kidding me?

No, jackass here used his own personal cell phone.

What the hell is the fat man wearing?

I believe that's a romper.

Oh God, that it is, that is a romper.

I'm no fashionista but he's kinda wearin' it.

I tried to get in a romper once

but they had to cut me out of it.

Do you remember when Sean Connery

wore the romper in "Goldfinger".

Oh, you're taking me back.

- Looked sexy baby. - Disturbing.

Guys.

James Bond in a onesie.

I have all the 007's on DVD.

- Get out of here. - Gentlemen.

- You do? - Yeah.

- How'd you get that? - My nephew, he,

every year he buys me one for godfather's day yeah.

Look gentlemen.

Yeah, look guys, guys, guys, guys,

this guy here he's my son's brother-in-law

and this guy is the guy we drove home the other night.

So you admit you kidnapped him?

What did you do to Gervase?

We didn't kidnap him.

We, he was drunk frankly,

we gave him a ride home.

We thought we were being nice.

Mr. Martin, are you telling me

you didn't see the news today

that Gervase was kidnapped?

No, I don't watch the news.

My TV broke and my kid bought me a Smart TV

and I'm frankly too dumb to use it so no.

Would you be willing to give us your son's address?

Is he gonna get in trouble?

I'm not sure, sir,

but we gotta figure this out.

Yeah, Mr. Martin, you, you stay here.

Okay, all right.

Gervase better be okay.

Finally.

- All right. - Got they asses now.

Here we go.

Tell me you're out of gas again.

I bet if Gervais was there pumping gas over in Jersey

you woulda stopped and got it.

It's Gervase.

Gervase, Gervais, oh my God.

Oh my God.

All right, call for backup.

What a day, dude, what a day.

I know.

Hey, is everything cool with Andrea?

Yeah, now she's all right, man.

I calmed her down.

How about you?

I hope everything's all right with you.

I mean we'll see.

I hope this all works out, brother.

Hope it works out for you too, man,

you and your dad and the business.

You know I remember when I was acting

and you were big on "Survivor" that year

and I saw on the TV that you were on "Nash Bridges"

and you got shot in the ass

and I was pissed

because I was working my ass off

tryin' to be an actor.

And they were just throwing a bones

like left and right all the time.

And I put everything on hold when my mom died,

everything for my dad.

I just never had the opportunity to live my dream.

I miss my mom so much, man.

Her name was Peachie, her real name was Carol

but everybody called her Peachie.

Even when she was sick, a month before she died

went to the movies to see "Down to Earth",

I had a small part where I ate a hotdog.

She was so sick by the time she got up

to say, that's my son, Chris Rock was back on the screen.

People were like, what's wrong with that lady?

I just miss it.

But I wanna do my own thing, I wanna live my dream,

and I wanna ask questions.

I wanna bring stuff out of people.

Like for you here's a question I would ask ya,

when you were at your height

did you ever still walk into a room

and feel like nobody knew who you were?

Of course, man, think that happens to everybody.

I mean I remember this one time I was in L.A.,

I went to this huge house party

and I get in there and in that corner

is Hugh Hefner and the seven girlfriends,

this corner over here is P Diddy,

the Lakers are over there,

Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson in the other corner.

And I see Sam Jackson and Chris Tucker

and I'm a huge Sam Jackson fan.

So I go over to him and I'm like,

"Hey Mr. Jackson, I'm."

And he's like, "I know who you are motherfucker!"

Like Sam Jackson knew who I was.

- That's awesome, man. - Yeah man, it's pretty crazy.

Being that you did all that stuff and you were famous

do you ever think about that

when you're laying in bed at night

like how was there and now I'm here?

Like where'd it all go?

I mean, look man everybody's got a story to tell.

You know like my mom had Alzheimer's, you know.

- She did. - Yeah.

You know same thing I had to move back home

and take care of her.

But you know I was fortunate enough

to keep things going.

You know a lot of people think

that I was just given things,

I caught a break 'cause I did "Survivor"

but I earned everything that I've got

and everything I've been through I worked hard for.

And it's like anybody else man,

you know once you hit the top

the only place to go is down from there.

I just hope it all works out, man.

I do too, man.

I appreciate you and I'm glad I met you.

I guess everything happens for a reason, right.

That's what they say.

I'm gonna close my eyes now for a little bit, man.

That's not a bad idea.

Gerv, we fell asleep, buddy.

You got a red dot on your head.

You got a red dot head on your forehead too.

- What? - Hands up dickheads!

Above your asshole!

- Oh my god! - Yo, yo!

Does that have anything to do

with the kid from "American Pie"?

Shut your mouth!

Is he still alive?

I didn't do anything. Yo what's going on?

He jumped out of the car all on his own.

We got you.

Get you away from this Buffalo Bill motherfucker.

What's going on?

What's happening?

We come to arrest him, get ya out of here.

Don't worry, I got my special blanket,

it only has one crusty corner.

I got more in the car.

What you talkin' about?

Gervase!

What the fuck is going on here?

Gervase, there's policeman and press outside

and Summer's been on her phone all day,

and you are trending on every social media that there is.

You're back on top, buddy!

Back on top!

You just saved your own career.

We are gonna do big things together, big things!

That was not sexual.

Hey, Summer.

Whew, what a dump.

I don't remembering eating that.

Can smell thing, hey where are you guys going?

What- Oh, no, there's one more,

there's one more!

Hello, how are you?

Good, how are you?

What's your name?

Summer.

Summer, I'm Tanner.

Hi, Tanner.

You like wrestling?

Oh, absolutely.

Come over my parents house

every Monday night, pizza night.

Okay.

Monday night.

Thank you so much.

Rochester Big and Tall romper sale, romper madness.

Hey, email me, okay. Okay.

Wrestlingfan316machoman@hotmail. org.

I think I love you.

State your name.

Ray Martin.

State your name.

Summer Andrews.

State your name.

Tanner, Tanner Murphy, two N's, one T.

Have you ever been arrested?

No, I never been arrested.

This is great, I never been in one of these.

Have you ever been arrested?

Yeah, I've been a bad girl.

Have you ever been arrested?

Arrested, no, no, no, I don't get arrested.

I've never, I'm a big fan of "Cops", love the show.

Describe your relationship with Gervase.

Professional, he's great.

You ever see the episode where the guy stole the cop car?

He's wife chased him down,

you guys couldn't get 'em.

And remember he ran, he got away

but that doesn't matter.

Gervase, did I see him on the news?

Are you kiddin' me?

This guys all over the place.

I shoulda let him keep the damn hat.

It wouldn't been incredible for my business.

Speaking of business, do you like meatballs?

Goddamn, got old.

He looks like shit.

I got a meatball sandwich.

It'll knock your socks off.

Did you kidnap Gervase?

No, but I'd love to kidnap you.

Did you kidnap Gervase?

No.

I turned my back for one second he takes the tincture.

The tincture is meant for sipping.

It will relax his muscles and help him quite a bit.

He took the whole thing, he's probably dead.

Start from the beginning, Gervase.

Tell me about the last 24 hours.

Yesterday was my first interview

for a movie I'm not even proud of.

Did you ever get enjoyment from tying people up?

Handcuffs are more my thing.

I was Tanner's phone call,

he called me, said, "He was in jail."

I ran right down.

So I'd like to be put in a cell with him.

I think I killed Gervase.

Did I kill Gervase?

Have I, is he dead, is he dead?

Oh fuck!

Enough!

Well, I just knew there was something wrong

when he didn't show up last night.

Ma'am, what's your relationship with Gervase?

Oh, we're lovers of course.

Of course.

Now if you wanna get out of here

you need to tell us everything.

Everything?

It all started when I was in the eighth grade

I failed my math maintenance test,

I took it home, didn't show my mom,

threw it down the sewer,

then the bad habits just started.

Wait that was Gervase?

In my bar.

Man, I didn't even recognize that dude.

I started smoking cigarettes, masturbating, watching porn,

smoking cigarettes while masturbating while watching porn,

it was horrible.

And that's when Tanner knocked Gervase on his ass.

Tanner did not knock me out, I fell.

Then I got expelled from high school,

I didn't know she was a nun, she was in plain clothes.

Enough!

Everything about Gervase.

Oh, Gervase, oh, well, I just got done pumpin' some iron.

I can't be handing out tinctures, I'm not a doctor.

This is not a doctor's coat, this is lounge wear.

After I knocked him out

we took 'em to my buddy the Doctor,

we didn't know where else to go.

This guys a really good friend of mine,

we took him in there,

I thought he'd help him out,

I went along with whatever he said.

He just wouldn't stop talking,

he memorizes me when he talks.

He's a really interesting fella.

You gonna keep somebody warm at night.

I'm not a kidnapper.

I never kidnapped anything in my entire life.

Kidnapping is a serious situation, all right.

This is something you really can't mess around with.

It's not uncommon for people in your position

to wanna defend their abductors,

it's called Stockholm syndrome.

What?

Finish this off.

I gotta take a piss.

Oh my God, I can't believe I'm a felon, I'm a felon.

How can I be a felon I was a Boy Scout once?

Oh my God, please get me out of here.

Please, I'll do anything God.

I'll get rid of my porn

except for the one "Hustler"

'cause I really like that one.

Oh, please, please get us out of this.

Please, please.

- Tanner. - Ray.

God doesn't hear ya hear.

Sorry.

Why are we here?

You fucked up flounder.

I just wanted to help you, pop.

No, you help me, you help me more than you know.

You gave me grandkids.

So much fucking fun.

When I think of the fun your mother would have with them

ah, my heart melts.

Look don't worry about losing the business.

Yeah.

Life's about more than that, okay.

It's about what ya leave behind, your legacy.

I've always thought that when ya die ya die twice,

first time when ya, you know actually die

and the second time when the last person mentions your name.

Now with those kids they're never

gonna forget your mother's name.

Yeah.

And because of you nobody's

gonna forget that Gervase's name.

What an asshole.

Oh, come on, he's fine.

You done good kiddo.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm proud of ya.

I love ya.

Oh no, no, no just blow me with the slow clap.

No.

It would be my honor, sir.

I guess that's the wrong thing to say in jail.

Right time wrong place.

No, please stop.

Got it, rain check.

Well, we gotta let these assholes go.

You know this story is so unbelievable

that it's almost believable.

Yeah, millennials, what ya gonna do?

Everybody's got a cellphone and a camera on it.

You know you can't even get in a fight with somebody

and throw them in your car.

Now when I was a kid,

when I was a kid ya got in a fight that was it.

You throw somebody in the back of your trunk they disappear.

They still haven't found my Uncle Louie,

God rest his soul, maybe, we don't know.

What ya gonna do?

Oh, by the way Gervais's agent's here, paid the bail.

Don't take it so hard kid, all right.

Ya did good.

It's Gervase.

Whatever.

Let's go get these assholes out of here.

Martins, romper boy!

Love ya guys.

Good luck.

You must be Ray.

Yeah.

I just wanted to thank you.

For what?

New revenue streams.

Is this your lover?

It's my father.

Ooh, Mr. Ray, well hello.

So I thought I should tell you

that Gervase told the police,

"That it was all just a big misunderstanding."

So why don't you buy me a drink.

Okay.

Follow me.

Oh my God, I'm free, I'm-

- Hey, you were in here for 58 minutes.

- That's a long time. - Get your ass out.

Comin'.

Nah, nah, I'm good.

You guys are taking

this no snitches way too far.

We're a team now.

I gotta represent in here.

We're a team.

Tanner, get emails!

This is Cisco in the City

and I'm sitting here with my main man Gervase Peterson.

Gervase, I mean this is fantastic, man.

I mean literally a year ago

I mistakenly reported that you were missing

and the whole world thought that you were missing.

They thought you were kidnapped

but now look at you.

I mean shit is, ooh, can I curse?

One, ya get one.

Shit is crazy.

You get two.

After the incident you know everything

just fell into place for me

and God works in mysterious ways.

So you just finished a M. Night film

and he bought the rights to your life story too.

Yeah, that was crazy.

You know we start filming early next year.

We're already in pre-production.

Son of a bitch.

- What? - Think about it man.

- Gervase. - Ya fell of the face

of the earth, ya get kidnapped, your story goes viral

and now your back on top of the world.

Can you believe that?

No, at least somebody made out on this deal.

I would say so.

And I have an awesome agent

and I just hired a great manager.

Cecily, how are ya?

- That's- - My pleasure.

That's Cisco.

Right.

Yeah, we got some great things

in the works for old Gervase here,

a little "Dancing with the Stars",

a little "Survivor" reunion.

- Nice. - Right.

And wanna tell the good news?

Sure, we're engaged.

Beautiful.

Man, look at this lovely couple here.

You guys are sharp as a tack.

You must be going somewhere tonight.

- No. - No.

No, just Tuesday.

Son of a bitch.

What's up, bud?

Hey man, package for Ray Martin Jr.

- That's me. - That's you.

- Yep. - Hey man, thanks.

Son of a bitch.

Dear Ray, thank you

for everything you did for me.

I can't believe how much someone's life

can change within 24 hours

and even more in a year.

You came into my life at a time

when I needed something to pick me up.

It turns out that something was you.

You didn't have to do everything ya did for me

but out the kindness of your heart ya did.

What the hell?

I can't read it, what?

What?

I heard Hybrid Planet was closing down

so I wanna return the favor here's a check for $500,000.

That should be enough to get the company-

- No. - To where it needs to be.

Consider it an advance.

Peachie, ya did it again, girl.

Ah, hey, what's up, man?

You're Kabir.

Do I look like a Kabir, man?

I don't know, am I saying that wrong or?

You're saying, I don't even know who you're looking for.

We're not, I'm not a Uber, buddy.

No, it said, oh you're not my Uber?

Not an Uber.

I mean it says it was the right car.

What's your license plate?

- Oh fuck. - Fuck this.

Subtitles by explosiveskull