Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

The lizard men will no longer be subject to rat oppression!

Aw, they're not oppressed.

We raise them as food.

They-they like it.

Well, we are delicious.

No. You should be free to do whatever you want.

- What do lizards like to do? - Mm, bask?

Okay. Then you should bask without fear of being eaten.

Well, that does sounds nice.

This will not stand!

Buddy, my captain's on the way right now.

It's funny. Normally, I'm, like, a huge disappointment to her,

but this time she's gonna be pumped

that I rooted out injustice.

And here comes the praise,

- in five... - Attention, everyone.

I'm afraid my ensign has made a huge mistake.

- What? - Starfleet is forbidden

from interfering in your planetary politics.

You will be free to determine your future

without our influence.

What? How could you... Oh, screw the Prime Directive!

Hey.

You are way out of bounds here.

They're eating those guys.

What am I supposed to do?

Report it to me.

Now I have to explain why there's an interspecies war

on a planet that was peaceful yesterday!

Oh, so you're yelling at me for spreading freedom

because you don't feel like filing a report?

Mariner, I swear, if you weren't my daughter,

you'd be off the Cerritos.

If I wasn't your daughter,

you wouldn't be such a bitch all the time!

That's it. That's it! When we get back to the ship,

- you are going straight to... - Yeah, yeah, I know.

Straight to the brig. Shocker.

Oh, you're not going to the brig.

You're going to therapy.

What?! You think I need therapy?

What? That's... No!

It's the '80s, dude.

We don't have psychiatric problems.

You're a loose cannon.

I don't care how many lizards you save.

You need professional help.

Dr. Migleemo? Oh, he's the worst counselor in the fleet!

He just tosses out nonstop food metaphors!

That's an order, Ensign.

Freeman to Cerritos.

One to beam up.

I don't need therapy!

Okay, look, will you stop eating these guys

if we give you food replicators?

Ha. I don't know. Can they make nutrient pellets?

Yes!

Mariner, this report is

a veritable fruit salad of insubordination.

I don't want to be here. I broke the rules.

I'm supposed to be in the brig.

Sorry. Captain's orders.

She wants us to meet every week,

cooking up some healthy strategies

to marinate you into the officer she knows you can be.

I don't want your help!

I want to show the captain that she's wrong

and then get put... in... the... brig!

Full stop, Beckett.

We need to find an outlet for all that rage.

Have you ever made paella?

Nice shot, da Vinci!

- Grazie. - Hey, guys.

Do you mind if I take over the deck?

I've got a big evaluation with Captain Freeman this afternoon.

She's selecting eager to please candidates

for her advanced diplomacy workshop.

Problem is, I don't know how eager to please.

Ugh, I got to practice.

Computer, load program Boimler seven.

- Ciao, da Vinci. - Ciao, Tendi.

Ugh, you simulated the crew?

Yeah, that way, I can pre-interview

so I don't make any mistakes when it's for real.

I uploaded seven years of entries

from the entire crew's private logs...

Aren't those private?

...and it algorithmically created

a perfect simulation of everyone on the Cerritos.

They'll respond exactly the way they would in real life.

Ah.

Hey, buddy. How's it going?

Don't talk to me! I'm pissed off!

Whoa! Amazing! We had that exact same conversation an hour ago.

Yeah. Ah. All I got to do is feed it a scenario.

Then the simulated crew fills in the blanks.

It'll give me an edge in my interview.

- Ahoy, Cap'n. - "Ahoy"?

See? I just learned not to say that.

Congrats on the brownnosing program, butt-kisser.

Only you would... Wait.

This is a perfect simulation?

What was that?

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

"Interior. Rickety metal catwalk. Night"?

Mariner! You can't write that about the captain.

Why waste this on some dumb interview prep?

- I'm putting in my own parameters. - If Freeman sees this,

you'll get court-martialed.

What did she ever do to you?

You say I need therapy?

Okay, I'll go to therapy.

Mariner, don't touch my code! Don't touch my...

Therapy...!

What the hell? What did you do to my program?

I made it into an awesome movie.

Oh, I'm gonna work some [BLEEP] out.

All right!

Ooh, nice font.

No, no, what are you talking about? A movie?

What, you wrote out a whole script in two seconds?

I just, like, hit the act breaks,

- couple set pieces. - Set pieces?

The computer's filling in the rest.

I made parts for the crew and all of us!

It's gonna be great!

I don't want to do a movie!

That's okay. You were kind of a Xon, to be honest.

You probably weren't gonna make final cut.

- Who's Xon? - Exactly.

Ooh, I've always wanted to be in a movie!

Can I be the voice of the ship?

"Red alert! Red alert!"

No, no, I got the perfect part for you.

- You're gonna love it. - Guys!

This is an important work tool,

not a fun thing to have a good time with.

Boimler, pipe down. Shh. Come on, the credits.

I don't want this.

- I just want to prep. - Well, tough.

You're just gonna have to wait till it's over.

Come on, come on, come on, let's go get into costume.

- Okey-dokey! - I'm not getting in anything.

Mariner! I want these credits gone now!

Hmm.

Wha...?

Yeah!

Happy birthday, Captain!

I might be getting up in years,

but I still hold the hydroscoot speed record

back at the Academy!

Captain out!

Whoa!

- Get him, Captain! - Shut up!

I'll kill you! I...

Oh, I can't stay mad.

Good one, Cap'n!

I don't remember giving you permission to scoot with us, Ensign.

Yeah, actually, I need to borrow the cap'n

- for a quick interview. - It's her birthday!

Um, can I at least ask what she likes more,

when bridge officers arrive early or stay late?

A question like that makes me think

you're asking the wrong questions.

Good... to... know.

Sorry to interrupt your vacation.

This isn't a vacation.

It's important scientific research.

Vacation's over.

Sorry for the short notice, Captain Freeman.

Not a problem at all, Admiral.

- How can we help? - We've received a bizarre message

from the leaders of Idlocana XI.

Their president wanted to thank us

for a wonderful second contact

with the crew of the San Clemente.

So? What's wrong with that?

Starfleet doesn't have a San Clemente.

Whoever second-contacted them wasn't our ship.

What a mystery.

Uh, whose boy is this?

Ensign Brad Boimler, sir.

Here to learn.

This impostor...

you want the Cerritos to investigate?

Get in, get me intel, then get out.

And, Freeman, stick to the plan this time.

If this was actually happening, they'd send the Enterprise.

But, you know, artistic license.

Luckily, the Cerritos just went through some upgrades.

We should be more than suitable for the task.

The Cerritos is ready to launch whenever you are.

Oh.

There she is.

She never fails to take my breath away.

- I wish I could kiss her and squeeze her. - Excuse me?

Uh, uh, the Cerritos is a handsome lady.

You're damn right about that, Boimler.

Call the ship a handsome lady.

Hmm.

Captain, we're ready for your command.

Mm, time to take this puppy off its leash.

Warp speed.

The selenium rings are disrupting the sensors, Captain.

I'm not detecting any Federation...

Hold on.

- Enemy vessel decloaking! - Raise shields!

Like a rat to the bait, Freeman.

Predictable as always.

- Who is this marauder, Captain? - I don't know.

I am Vindicta, vengeance personified!

At last, Freeman.

I will bathe in your blood.

Oh, boy, somebody's really laying it on thick.

Behold my three henchmen of the apo...

of the Vin-pocalypse.

Tendi, my savage warrior queen

who comes from a long line of thieving Orion pirates.

Yeah, nobody messes with Orions.

I'll steal from anyone and never give it back. Theft!

And, uh,

B-Bionic 5,

half man-meat, half robot-meat, all pain.

100% pain.

Tremble at the sight of the great Vindicta!

And Shempo.

I'm Shempo. I was supposed to be played by Boimler.

Okay, come on. I don't sound like that.

I love my captain, and I don't want to be doing this.

All right, that's not too far off.

You're posing as Starfleet. Why?

Because I do what I want! Ugh, you're a jerk, Freeman.

You're nothing but a propped up errand girl,

blindly licking Starfleet's boot and begging for heel.

Oh! Vindicta got your ass.

Look, there's no need for theatrics, all right?

- I'm sure you're a reasonable... - Shempo got you tea, master.

This is coffee!

I was Shempo.

That poor Shempo!

You didn't have to do that. Are you out of your mind?

Freeman, you disgust me.

You're a coward who hides behind rank.

You can't even appreciate

your most valuable, creative thinkers.

I am Vindicta! Today you die.

This Vindicta is all over the place.

"Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.

Our revels now are ended".

Wait, is she quoting "The Tempest"?

"Hell is empty, and all the devils are...

"Hell is empty, and all the devils

- are here". - Wait, this is a recording.

It's a distraction.

Winger?

Hi. I'm Lieutenant Lemonts.

Your one-man show took my breath away.

Thank you. Thank...

Freeman! Bring me Free...

God, these stupid capes. So much fabric.

Bring me Freeman, and I'll let you live.

Never, witch!

Wow.

Boimler did a good job.

Chief Lundy's accent was spot-on.

Yeah, and the way his face was all blotchy?

- Wait, do you think Billups is in here? - Eh, probably.

So I can say whatever I want to my boss

with no consequences?

- Hey, wait! We have to hench! - Tendi, come on.

Pirate it up. Take some slaves.

Oh, uh, you know the whole "Orions taking slaves" thing?

It's not something I really like to...

Dirty Orion.

Lundy!

Give me Freeman!

Attack formation Raptor.

This isn't my first overpowered space warlord,

and it won't be my last.

Ransom, you think you're better than me?

Better at being the captain's little dick wig.

You can talk the talk, but can you... Ow!

Walk the walk! She can do both!

- Oh, she's walkin' and talkin'. - Sir, quick,

what's the captain's favorite type of cookie?

- What?! - Tell me before you succumb to the pain.

If I were to bake her cookies,

what would be my best bet?

Cap's got a sweet tooth. Cookies are a good move.

I've done it myself. But watch out.

She's allergic to...

Allergic to what? Ransom!

Allergic to what?!

At your stations, people.

This is not a drill.

Billups! Show yourself!

Sir, get down!

Engineering, evacuate!

Andy Billups!

You think you're the best engineer in the fleet.

Well, I've wanted to say something to you

for a long time.

You are the best engineer in the fleet!

- Huh? - I love how you program subroutines.

It's breathtaking.

It feels so good to say it.

Warning. Hydron levels critical.

Damn it! We don't have much time.

Rerouting the vent system would take a whole team.

If we bypass the indacontrols

and suppress the sativents,

it should function as a...

Rudimentary plasma filter.

Wow, for a random space marauder,

you really know your way around a starship.

Aw, thanks.

Intruder!

When you get to hell,

tell the Pah-wraiths that Shaxs sent you!

Special delivery straight from Bajor!

Ah, shut up.

Borg head?

Designation: explosive.

Oh, look!

Oh, Shaxs's earring. You have to wear it.

- Come here. Come here. - Uh, I-I don't know.

Isn't there, like, religious significance?

I mean, some of his ear's still on it.

Come on, dude. Orions are pirates!

Pillaging's your whole thing.

Okay, stop! It is not my whole thing.

And for your information, many Orions haven't been pirates

for over five years!

Okay, sorry. Look, you can just be my generic warrior henchman.

Come on! Come on, let's go torture the cat doctor.

Like, really torture the hell out of her.

Her name is Dr. T'Ana.

You're way too into this. This is messed up.

It's the holodeck. It's not real.

Die! Die!

What is with you today? This is not healthy.

- Can we stop the movie? - No!

No, I'm fine. This is feeling good.

Come on, let me just take down the captain,

and then we can grab tacos.

I don't want to watch you phaser the captain.

Phaser?

Oh, it's going to be way worse than that.

I am out of here. Arch.

Hey, come on.

This isn't you.

It is, too!

Ransom. Shaxs. Anyone, come in.

No one left to hide behind, Captain.

It's just me and you.

And-and these guys.

You'll never take my ship.

I don't want your ship.

I want you to stop treating me

like I'm the bad guy all the time.

You are the bad guy.

No, I'm not. Why don't you ever side with me?

I don't even know you.

Exactly!

Oh, my God. You're-you're crazy.

No, this is crazy.

Sir, her ship.

- The warp core's gone critical. - Brace for impact!

Warning. Warning.

The ship has crashed. Warning.

Oh, damn it.

All surviving crew, emergency evacuation protocol:

Delta Echo.

I'll keep systems functional for as long as possible.

You can do this. We can do this.

Cerritos strong!

Oh, when are you going to give up

- the "loving captain" act? - It's not an act!

I'm overflowing with love and affection!

- Oh, shut up! - You shut up!

Sir, are you okay?

I'll live,

- but the rest of the crew... - Will be fine.

I initiated a rapid repeating emergency transport sequence

and beamed the entire crew before we crashed.

What? But that's not possible.

No, it's a movie. You can beam whatever you want.

You can do all sorts of beaming stuff in a movie!

What?! That is amazing!

- I learned it from you, sir. - Uh... okay.

What is your problem?!

You've been a jerk since I was eight!

Why do you have to be so hard on me?!

What? I don't know you!

Get off my mom, you bitch.

Oh! Wait. What?

You simulated me in here, too? Not cool, man!

I got private stuff in those logs!

Emergency transport on signal now!

Beckett, no!

Oh, great. Well, now it's just us.

Yeah, thanks for ruining the awesome captain-murder

this was all building to.

We were supposed to fight on a rickety metal catwalk.

Oh. Let me make it up to you. Double punch!

Double block.

- Whoa. How did you...? - I know all your moves

and everything about you.

I know you dressed up like Toby Targ every Halloween,

even when you were too old.

And I know you actually love the warp core!

Take that back. The warp core's lame!

You only break rules because you know

that's what everyone expects you to do!

If you really were a badass,

you'd do the hard thing and just be

a good officer.

They're not casting you as the villain. You are!

Hey, I know you might be a psychotic space raider

whose boss just destroyed my ship,

but you... are all right in my book.

That's a book I'd read cover to cover.

Sir, you're the only person who can see past my mask,

and knows deep down, I just want

to replace a toranium ops module with ionizing subcircuits.

I know this is crazy, but do you want to just... I don't know...

run away together, and we could get our own ship,

and we can buffer the phase coil whenever we want

or... or realign the matrix.

We can fix the warp engines on our time.

It would be an honor, sir.

Godspeed, you crazy [BLEEP].

Ugh. Cap'n, I know you've been through a lot today,

but I made you a platter of chocolate chip cookies,

and I just want to know what you think before I give it

to the real you in real life, so if you could...

The captain's allergic to chocolate. Assassin!

Great work, Jet!

That's the kind of assassin-tackling

that'll land you a promotion.

Oh, hell yeah, Jet!

Wait, wait. Cap'n, Cap'n, where do you want me

to see myself in five years?

Don't answer that, Captain. He's playing mind games!

You're the man, Jet.

- Get him out of here. - Let's go.

How can I be the man, Cap'n?

I want to be the man!

That's it. Keep up the act.

Oh, you know so much about me,

but you missed one big thing.

Oh, yeah, here we go... time for one of your snarky jokes.

Yeah, I may hate protocol,

but I don't hate this ship.

I don't hate the crew. I work with my best friends.

The captain's my mom. I would do anything for her.

Oh, come on. No, you hate the captain.

You complain about her nonstop.

It's like your whole thing!

Yeah, I mean, she's hard on me, right?

She's the captain, and I'm a pain in the ass.

But if she kicked me off the Cerritos,

I would be done in Starfleet.

She's watching out for me the only way she knows how:

in a [BLEEP] up, overbearing, mom way.

Oh, please. The only person you care about is yourself.

Okay, well, then why did I let you kick my ass

to buy time for everyone to get off the ship

before the self-destruct timer went off?

Wait. What?

No, no, no, no. No, no, no! Aah!

No!

Wow. I can't believe I just got my ass kicked by myself

and just... Wait.

I guess I like working on the ship and...

Oh, my God. Therapy works. Guys, therapy works!

Honestly, that was way more therapeutic

than I thought it would be. I worked through a lot.

I feel great, too. I just wish

I could tell the real Billups how I feel about him.

Why don't you, man? He's right there.

Nah, I wouldn't want to bother him. I mean,

look at him. Dude's a stone-cold badass.

Hey, T. I owe you an apology.

The whole Orions-pirate thing.

I-I feel really bad. I'm sorry if I put you in a weird spot.

Thanks. I appreciate it, and the truth is,

a lot of Orions are capitalist, hyper-libertarian,

gangster pirates, just not this one.

- That's why I'm here. - Oh, well, thanks

for having my back in there. I owe you one.

Um, so, do you want to maybe go sit

and look at the warp core with me?

Wow, so lame. Yes. Let's do it.

We talking warp core? Ooh, baby, I'm in.

- Mariner. - Hey, Cap. Sorry about earlier today.

I was way out of line. Thanks for looking out.

Later, skater.

"Later skater"? I know she's up to something!

What did she tell you?

Captain, you know I can't share

what your crew tells me.

That'd be a real ethical pickle.

What?! If she's planning something,

- I have a right to know. - Carol,

you're being a pineapple right now.

Ugh! Stop referencing foods!

Okay. No more distractions. I just need to know

what to wear to the interview.

Computer, continue program.

Hey, Cap'n, do you like turtlenecks

- or just standard uniform? - Against insurmountable odds.

Oh, sorry. You got something going on here. I'll wait.

As captain, it was an honor serving beside her.

As a mother, it was a privilege to call Mariner my daughter.

- Wait. What? - That's right.

Mariner was my daughter the whole time.

It's a secret we didn't want anyone to know.

- Uh, uh... - And if someone had ever

found out she was my baby girl,

I don't know what I would have done.

Probably kicked them off the ship,

maybe even court-martialed them right out of Starfleet.

I was being crazy.

Thank goodness

- nobody ever found out. - Computer, end program!

Ooh!

Hey, nerd, we're going to go stare at the warp core.

You want to...? Whoa. You okay?

- Yeah. - All right, whatevs. Hey.

Good luck with the interview. You're gonna do great.

So, you're interested

in the advanced diplomacy workshop.

Where do you see yourself negotiating peace in five years?

I... uh...

Just take a breath and say the first thing that comes to mind.

- Mariner. - Mariner what?!

- Uh... is hot? - Excuse me?!

Uh, I don't know! She's not hot! She's nasty!

Ensign Boimler didn't bother to prepare for interview. Terrible.

Revenge!

Not-a today.

Not-a on-a da Vinci's watch.

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Chirp.