Original subtitles

Dying my hair dark was totally on a whim.

It was not the right move to make professionally

because blondes, generally, are more desired on the internet

but I wanna do what I wanna do

and I'm not gonna live my life

based on my professional career.

That first few thousand dollars I made,

I could, like, feel the noose, like, loosening on my neck.

I was like, oh, thank God. I can pay my bills.

Great.

All my money that I made initially definitely went to bills.

I've just been stashing it away, not touching it.

I've kind of taken a step back for the last month though

and I'm only seeing, like, one or two of my regulars right now.

I mean, I'm not completely debt free,

but I'm to the point now where I feel comfortable

and I'm like, I can just be a normal person

and work when I wanna work.

I would say that things are weird for me and Brian right now.

At the end of the day, we broke up because I just couldn't�

I didn't wanna support him anymore.

I decided I didn't wanna share the money

that I was earning with my vagina with him anymore.

I haven't lived by myself since I was 19.

It feels really empty in here.

I'm really glad I didn't keep the smaller, more expensive apartment

because I would've been tied into more work,

which I was like, I don't know if I'm gonna continue working or not.

It's exciting to be able to feel empowered to do whatever I wanna do.

And it's nice to know if I do feel stressed about money,

that I have something to fall back on no matter what.

Entertaining men, for me, is hard.

Like, pretending that I have to like them is hard

'cause if I'm like, I think you're a fucking douchebag,

then I don't really want to pretend that I like you.

'Cause, like, when I'm working at the bar or when I'm working at the coffee shop,

I can just be like, fuck you, I don't like you.

Like, if I'm not feeling up for it

and, like, wanna blow off a date with a guy who's awkward,

even though he's gonna pay me

for three days of just hanging out with him,

I'm like, I don't wanna go.

As a result of state repression,

it's harder to advertise

and the results of the ads that I do place aren't as good.

New clients are not coming from advertising

at the same rate as they were in the past.

I've gotten more clients through word-of-mouth,

but definitely not enough to make up for the losses

from not being able to advertise in the same ways.

d d

As a result of all of this,

I've been putting more effort and intention into other projects,

making more movies,

finding other ways to continue

to engage with sexuality and sexual expression

as a part of making art.

You're used to coming. -Mm-hmm.

You're not used to waiting.

You have to ask permission before you come.

That was a tactical error on my part right there, wasn't it?

No.

The bulk of my portfolio across mediums

is somehow related to sexuality.

I can direct.

I'm also open to you guys doing what you want.

I'm interested in it.

That's not gonna change.

The particular sort of work that I do

within that world could change.

It's hard to imagine a world where my work isn't somehow related to sexuality.

I think it's important

that nonnormative sexual content exists in the world.

I enjoy documenting that,

as well as participating, performing, and making it.

There's lots of people who don't identify

with normative ideas about sexuality

and find it important and meaningful

to see things outside of the mainstream.

I think one of the more compelling aspects of my work is education

and getting watch the sort of, like, arc

of somebody's progression over time and see, like�

you know, I can teach you something, but then what are you gonna do with it?

It was actually exactly what our marriage needed.

I think we both realized that we wanted an opportunity

to grow and learn from an experience,

as opposed to just being gratified by an experience.

Getting to watch people have those experiences

and getting to see them grow and�

Thank you, sir. -Transform.

It's really cool.

I think I'm good at what I do, I really enjoy it,

I get value out of it

far beyond what I get paid.

I think wanting as much freedom as I did

was part of me fighting a battle I couldn't win.

I need to accept that's not how the world works

and I need to find a way

to find happiness and peace in my life.

I was going to say which did you like the best out of the�

if you had to pick one.

I liked working with disabled clients in escorting.

Oh.

Yes. -That would be super interesting.

Their sexuality is so interesting

'cause they have to, like, come up with workarounds

for lack of movement

and also not being able to feel parts of their body.

My past does limit the amount of people I can get close to now,

but I still have to decide

if my past is something I'm willing to talk about.

Secrets are hard and sometimes necessary,

but I'm really glad I have less I have to keep now.

To what extent do you feel like the sex work

and, like, the eating disorder issues were, like, interconnected or not?

Interconnected but not, like, causational.

The industry gave the eating disorder an excuse

'cause all of a sudden, I was making money off of how I looked.

I've had an eating disorder for most of my life

and it got really, really bad.

I ended up having to go to treatment.

Combined with the fact

that I'm not actually sexually attracted to men

was kind of all building up and kind of just exploded.

Everything fell apart. Yeah.

I almost died.

Over my treatment

and over being hospitalized,

nurses made the biggest difference in my recovery.

I want to be able to pay that forward

and I want to be able to treat people with care and compassion

in the worst days of their lives.

Sex work and nursing are similar

because both of them, I get to care for people,

and I get to make differences in people's lives.

See just how cold the poles actually are today.

Exciting.

Oh, it's not too bad today.

I turned the heater on.

My experience and knowledge and acceptance of other people's bodies I got in sex work

helps a lot in nursing.

And I know how to approach people with compassion doing that

because that's what I've been doing for years.

I think one of the hardest things

was the fact that I had to live a double life.

I couldn't be open in my personal life about what I did professionally

and I had to be a completely different person

when I was working than in my personal life,

and kind of having to basically keep that many secrets and lie that much...

Right. -Took a lot of�took a pretty big toll.

All of that was just making me feel very, like, torn in two directions.

It was really hard

to know who I was as a person

when I'm spending so much of my time pretending.

I can, like, tell the truth to my coworkers

about what I did last night.

Wow.

And I think sex work is still an amazing job

and I think it is a very necessary part of the world...

But I just don't think it's the job for me anymore.

If sex work were decriminalized

and socially accepted,

I might still be doing it.

But a lot of my journey has been...

realizing it's exhausting to fight the world.

I can't fight if it's making myself miserable.

Part of that has been accepting sex work isn't gonna lead me

to the life that makes me the most happy.

I don't think that life is cut out for me

and I don't think I'm cut out for that life.

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