Original subtitles

I never know when it's gonna hit me.

Oh, God, I'm scared.

Fucking scared all the time.

The point isn't how much you can take.

The point is that you're here.

The last time we did a session like this,

the transformation was so incredibly powerful.

I had so much pent-up anger.

I was really able to access that and release it.

It enabled me to be more calm and present

with my husband and my ten-year-old.

It was so powerful that I know that there's another layer to access.

Kink at its best offers the opportunity to create a space

where the participants have less fear

about the repercussions of not mediating their emotions.

And so it allows you the opportunity to feel things

that might not be safe or desirable to feel in other contexts.

My husband and I were really ready to split up,

and I was contacting divorce attorneys.

And after working with you, I am more in love

with my husband now than I was when I said "I do."

My husband and I first started seeing Jesse six years ago.

In that moment, we reinvented our marriage.

This is the very first session that we've done without my husband.

So I'm actually more nervous.

How do you picture the emotional arc going?

I need you to take me to a really dark place

where I feel completely worthless and powerless.

Playing with Jesse, it opened up all sorts of conversations.

It actually really got me in touch with some insecurities of mine

that I had buried so deep that I had no access to.

At some point, when I've just had enough,

I'm just gonna take over

and I'm gonna beat the living shit out of you.

I'll use the information that they tell me

about what they're looking for in an emotional sense

to craft the arc of our scene.

Better?

Oh, I hate these things on my head.

Isn't that the point? -Yeah.

I grew up with a bipolar mother.

She would fly into rages at the drop of a hat.

I think she had blackout rages.

The premise of the scene: to take me back emotionally

of being an eight-year-old.

What I'm more afraid than anything else

is elements of my mother come out in my relationship with my daughter.

No, I just want to break the cycle.

But the thing that's shitty is not feeling in control.

Yeah.

It's not being afraid of continuing the cycle.

It's being afraid that you can't break it.

I had muscle memory from that trauma.

I had this feeling of anger that I had been keeping

so hidden and pushed down for decades.

Does fear and powerlessness go together for you?

Yeah.

I can't even see scary movies.

I avoid fear at all fucking costs!

Oh, fuck!

The expression of my skill in that moment is reading her

to know how close she is to too much

and dancing along that edge for a while without going too far.

Am I hurting you? -Okay, yeah.

Good.

You see what you did there? -Yeah.

That was that thing you were worried you weren't good enough to do,

and you just did it.

What gave me so much power was we planned the scene.

At some point, it was up to me to say, "Okay, I'm done."

I've had enough.

Reach up and take your hood off and make me stop.

I am not that powerless eight-year-old any longer.

That felt really good.

I might not have been able to do something when I was eight.

But I sure as heck can do something now.

How's it feel to take back control?

Satisfying.

I don't want to hurt you.

Kay, so don't.

But you kind of do.

I kind of do.

Punch me here.

You know, I'd done other types of therapy,

and nothing was as effective,

and I think different types work for different people.

How can you fucking do that to a child?

I was so little.

What kind of fucking mother does that to her kid?

Oh, fuck.

I am so not my fucking mother.

I am so fucking grateful to you.

Oh, yeah? What for?

'Cause regular therapy doesn't work for me.

I...

need something physical in order to access the pain.

The work you're doing in therapy informs what's desirable here with me.

That's how I work.

It's not how everybody works, but that's how I work.

I needed something physical.

Otherwise, I was gonna start causing some harm to the people I love the most.

I hope that your bruises are as dark as mine.

That was so easy.

That is, like, the easiest $1.200 I've ever made.

I'm really happy.

We ate some sushi and we drank wine

and we just talked,

and the actual sex lasted two minutes.

Not shitting you. Two minutes.

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