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1
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I never know when it's gonna hit me.
2
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Oh, God, I'm scared.
3
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Fucking scared all the time.
4
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The point isn't how much you can take.
5
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The point is that you're here.
6
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The last time we did a session like this,
7
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the transformation was
so incredibly powerful.
8
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I had so much pent-up anger.
9
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I was really able to access that
and release it.
10
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It enabled me to be more calm and present
11
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with my husband and my ten-year-old.
12
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It was so powerful that I know
that there's another layer to access.
13
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Kink at its best offers the opportunity
to create a space
14
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where the participants have less fear
15
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,394
about the repercussions of not
mediating their emotions.
16
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:03,772
And so it allows you the opportunity
to feel things
17
00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:08,902
that might not be safe or desirable
to feel in other contexts.
18
00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:12,072
My husband and I
were really ready to split up,
19
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,950
and I was contacting divorce attorneys.
20
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And after working with you,
I am more in love
21
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,789
with my husband now
than I was when I said "I do."
22
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My husband and I first started
seeing Jesse six years ago.
23
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In that moment,
we reinvented our marriage.
24
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This is the very first session
that we've done without my husband.
25
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So I'm actually more nervous.
26
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How do you picture
the emotional arc going?
27
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I need you to take me
to a really dark place
28
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:46,398
where I feel completely worthless
and powerless.
29
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,569
Playing with Jesse, it opened up
all sorts of conversations.
30
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It actually really got me in touch
with some insecurities of mine
31
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that I had buried so deep
that I had no access to.
32
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:04,166
At some point, when I've just had enough,
33
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:05,542
I'm just gonna take over
34
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,384
and I'm gonna beat
the living shit out of you.
35
00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:10,422
I'll use the information that they tell me
36
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,634
about what they're looking for
in an emotional sense
37
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to craft the arc of our scene.
38
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Better?
39
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,392
Oh, I hate these things on my head.
40
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,852
Isn't that the point?
-Yeah.
41
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:26,730
I grew up with a bipolar mother.
42
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:30,526
She would fly into rages
at the drop of a hat.
43
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I think she had blackout rages.
44
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:37,282
The premise of the scene:
to take me back emotionally
45
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of being an eight-year-old.
46
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What I'm more afraid than anything else
47
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:46,500
is elements of my mother come out
in my relationship with my daughter.
48
00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,210
No, I just want to break the cycle.
49
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:50,879
But the thing that's shitty
is not feeling in control.
50
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,047
Yeah.
51
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,924
It's not being afraid
of continuing the cycle.
52
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:56,969
It's being afraid that you can't break it.
53
00:02:57,010 --> 00:03:00,722
I had muscle memory from that trauma.
54
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:04,601
I had this feeling of anger
that I had been keeping
55
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,980
so hidden and pushed down for decades.
56
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,941
Does fear and powerlessness
go together for you?
57
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,860
Yeah.
58
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,571
I can't even see scary movies.
59
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:18,740
I avoid fear at all fucking costs!
60
00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:21,869
Oh, fuck!
61
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:26,123
The expression of my skill
in that moment is reading her
62
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:29,042
to know how close she is to too much
63
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:33,338
and dancing along that edge for a while
without going too far.
64
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,175
Am I hurting you?
-Okay, yeah.
65
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,094
Good.
66
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:41,847
You see what you did there?
-Yeah.
67
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,159
That was that thing you were worried
you weren't good enough to do,
68
00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:46,727
and you just did it.
69
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,229
What gave me so much power
was we planned the scene.
70
00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:52,316
At some point, it was up to me
to say, "Okay, I'm done."
71
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:53,483
I've had enough.
72
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,420
Reach up and take your hood off
and make me stop.
73
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:59,072
I am not that powerless
eight-year-old any longer.
74
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:04,995
That felt really good.
75
00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:08,582
I might not have been able to do something
when I was eight.
76
00:04:08,624 --> 00:04:11,793
But I sure as heck can do something now.
77
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:14,254
How's it feel to take back control?
78
00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:15,506
Satisfying.
79
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:16,715
I don't want to hurt you.
80
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:17,925
Kay, so don't.
81
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,426
But you kind of do.
82
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:20,677
I kind of do.
83
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:23,096
Punch me here.
84
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,890
You know, I'd done other types of therapy,
85
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,476
and nothing was as effective,
86
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:30,979
and I think different types work
for different people.
87
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:33,690
How can you fucking do that to a child?
88
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,612
I was so little.
89
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:45,786
What kind of fucking mother
does that to her kid?
90
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,121
Oh, fuck.
91
00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:51,667
I am so not my fucking mother.
92
00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,172
I am so fucking grateful to you.
93
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:58,298
Oh, yeah? What for?
94
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,551
'Cause regular therapy
doesn't work for me.
95
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,386
I...
96
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:07,850
need something physical
in order to access the pain.
97
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:11,228
The work you're doing in therapy
informs what's desirable here with me.
98
00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:12,771
That's how I work.
99
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,898
It's not how everybody works,
but that's how I work.
100
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,525
I needed something physical.
101
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:20,737
Otherwise, I was gonna start causing
some harm to the people I love the most.
102
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:24,199
I hope that your bruises
are as dark as mine.
103
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:36,628
That was so easy.
104
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:42,843
That is, like, the easiest $1.200
I've ever made.
105
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:44,803
I'm really happy.
106
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:51,018
We ate some sushi and we drank wine
107
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,352
and we just talked,
108
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:57,816
and the actual sex lasted two minutes.
109
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,153
Not shitting you. Two minutes.
110
00:06:04,153 --> 00:06:08,153
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8514
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