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1
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I like hurting things,
2
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:09,301
and you get off when I hurt you,
3
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which makes you fun to play with.
4
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I think it's most compelling
5
00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:35,953
to use the different skills that I have
6
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:39,790
to try and impart an emotional experience
in somebody else,
7
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,542
and that's the thread
8
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:42,835
that connects building
9
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,878
and sex work and performance.
10
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:56,890
You okay?
11
00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:58,058
Yes, sir.
12
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,519
I'm a female-to-male transsexual,
13
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,355
and I have lived as a male
14
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,274
since 1993 full-time.
15
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,943
I have a lot of shame about my body.
16
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,654
I go to see Jessie because he gives me
17
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a way to escape from myself,
18
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,782
to escape from my thoughts
19
00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:14,867
and from judgment.
20
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He gets me to a place
21
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,703
where I can just forget that stuff,
22
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,080
and I'm grateful for that.
23
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Whoo!
24
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:29,006
I find... pain exciting.
25
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:32,384
Jessie is somebody else who gets that
and I can do that with.
26
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,724
At work, my clients are men and women,
27
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,393
trans folks, people across the spectrum.
28
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The bulk of my work
29
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,859
is not about getting people off.
30
00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:52,654
Instead, it's about creating a container
31
00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,740
to experience emotion in.
32
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:57,951
Whoo!
33
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,203
Me and my big mouth.
34
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,513
That doesn't hurt, does it?
-No, sir.
35
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,623
What does it feel like?
36
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,291
It just scares me.
37
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,918
It's more like dance
38
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:08,670
or some kind of improv,
39
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:10,547
where I'll see
40
00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:12,841
how he responds to something.
41
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,593
If it's working, I pick up on that
42
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,262
and adjust what I'm doing to work that in,
43
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,805
like a call and response.
44
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,557
It's that conversational aspect
45
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,101
that I think is reflective of my skills.
46
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,958
Thank you, sir!
47
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,626
It pleases me to be able
48
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,502
to handle more pain
49
00:02:48,544 --> 00:02:50,587
than I thought I would have been able to.
50
00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,422
I have a sense of accomplishment.
51
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:53,590
It's kind of like�
52
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:54,633
he did all the work.
53
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,051
I'm not sure what I accomplished,
54
00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:57,386
but I do have this feeling like�
55
00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,931
like I did some kind of useful work.
56
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:04,476
How's your back feel?
57
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,518
Warm.
58
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,522
I feel like I've been letting out
59
00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:09,982
some secret
60
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,025
the people around me don't know.
61
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:14,820
I feel like we have created something
62
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:17,990
spiritually significant, sacred.
63
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,952
We created some kind
of small temporal temple
64
00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,454
outside of time.
65
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:25,664
Physicality and emotion
66
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,165
are linked.
67
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,584
Our emotions are in our bodies,
68
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:31,628
and so being physical and using our bodies
69
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,338
is a way to be more in touch
70
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,132
with what it feels like to be.
71
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,552
Kink and intense physical sensation
72
00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:41,263
can be a tool to facilitate
73
00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:42,905
someone being more present in their body
74
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,142
or being able to experience emotions
75
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:48,228
that are otherwise perhaps not accessible.
76
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,689
I will structure the scene
77
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,565
so that there will be
78
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,692
a crescendo of some kind.
79
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,277
Like, it will reach a peak
80
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,653
and then, from there,
81
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:59,114
will come down the other side,
82
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:00,300
which sometimes makes it easier
83
00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:02,284
for people to feel things.
84
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,745
Thank you, sir.
85
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,121
Thank you for what, what?
86
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,163
For hurting me.
87
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,499
Do you like it when I hurt you?
88
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:10,417
Yes, sir.
89
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:11,919
Why?
90
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,547
Because it�it relieves.
91
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,466
It's a relief.
92
00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:18,634
It relieves the pain.
93
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:28,894
It's an experience that I think
94
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,616
I could only have had with a professional.
95
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:34,399
I can trust that he knows how to do it.
96
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:37,027
I can trust him not to judge me.
97
00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:38,922
I know what he's getting
out of the relationship.
98
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,489
It's money, and I can�I can�
99
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:41,990
I can live with that.
100
00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:42,866
Jessie seems to have
101
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:46,203
more of a transcendent concept.
102
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:48,080
He has respect
for the energies he's raising.
103
00:04:49,581 --> 00:04:51,041
Knowing about it has im�
104
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:52,376
has changed my life.
105
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,757
Cayenne translates
into everything that I wish that I was:
106
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,844
confident, sexy, educated.
107
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,525
That's too bad.
That's who you are anyway.
108
00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:05,097
I know that, but it's like�
109
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,407
it's like a way of expressing that.
110
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,183
Your�your double life?
111
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:09,476
I do have a double life.
112
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,645
It allows me to have the balance.
113
00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:13,248
And you're the perfectionist.
You're the Virgo.
114
00:05:13,272 --> 00:05:14,582
So that's why I need you in my life.
115
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,066
That's the first time
116
00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,901
I've ever heard you say that.
117
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:18,777
What, that I need you in my life?
118
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:19,778
That you need me.
119
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,114
My mom knew that something was up
120
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,741
after I quit my job in May, um,
121
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,827
and I still didn't have a job in August,
122
00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:28,370
and I kept having to, like, lie
123
00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:31,290
and say that my "boyfriend"
124
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,041
was paying for things.
125
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,793
I was nervous telling my mother
126
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,336
that I was in sex work
127
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:39,214
because she is extremely religious
128
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,717
and very Christian.
129
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,552
She asked a lot of questions
130
00:05:43,594 --> 00:05:45,345
'cause she was doing a lot of babysitting.
131
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,531
You know, if I wasn't working,
132
00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:47,723
why did I need a babysitter,
133
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,850
or why was my son at day care?
134
00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:51,101
I do appreciate you being�
135
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,102
I being able to tell you.
136
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,062
Like, I have nothing to hide.
137
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,332
I don't have�and, like,
at the end of the day, I don't care
138
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,542
what anybody else
has to say about me,
139
00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,985
because guess what my mom knows.
140
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,696
So you can't tell me shit.
141
00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,031
No, right here.
142
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,365
Me and my mother
143
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,491
don't really talk.
144
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,035
Oh, crash!
145
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:11,121
We only talk when it comes to my son,
146
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,873
um, and that's, like,
really the only thing
147
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,392
that's holding our relationship together
148
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,417
at the current moment.
149
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:16,793
I do want her�
150
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:19,004
and not necessarily her approval.
151
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,589
I want her support.
152
00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:22,508
My needs right now are financial.
153
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:24,092
That's my needs.
154
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,303
So how come you can't meet
your own needs?
155
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:28,055
I can meet my own needs.
I have been.
156
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:30,557
So...
-Touch�.
157
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:33,393
Do you want him to know what you do?
158
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,038
I personally�
-Are you gonna be proud of that?
159
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,021
I personally think
160
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,397
that it's female empowerment.
161
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:38,875
I don't see anything wrong
with what I do.
162
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,609
So you're gonna be okay with telling him
163
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:41,902
how you earned your money?
164
00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:42,778
Mm.
-Yes.
165
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:43,904
From here?
-Mm.
166
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,155
And how would you tell him?
167
00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:46,841
I wouldn't tell him now.
I don't expose him to it.
168
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,718
I didn't ask you that.
I said, "How would you tell him?"
169
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,495
I would let him know that I dated men
for money.
170
00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:52,371
"Dated."
171
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,598
Technically, that's what she...
172
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,374
Technically, that's what I'm doing.
173
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,500
Oh, technically.
174
00:06:56,542 --> 00:06:57,626
I don't feel like my son
175
00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,044
is gonna view me any differently.
176
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,772
I think he's gonna respect�
this isn't something that I'm gonna do�
177
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:01,630
You think?
178
00:07:01,672 --> 00:07:02,798
I do.
179
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,050
I mean�
-You hope.
180
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,261
I guess the issue I have is�
181
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:10,639
is why does it have to entail
the sexual part?
182
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,682
And I enjoy sex.
183
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:16,562
Okay.
-I handle my�
184
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,564
W-what part aren't you listening to?
-Okay.
185
00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:23,318
Bettering myself was not thirst traps
186
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,278
and how I can get�
187
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,779
manipulate money out of people
188
00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,281
to better myself.
189
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:29,449
Right.
-Education.
190
00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,718
You were in school.
-I am going to school.
191
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,136
That's the only reason
I'm supporting this.
192
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,245
That's what I'm saying.
193
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:34,639
That's the only reason why I'm doing this,
194
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:35,497
is 'cause I don't have time
195
00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:37,457
to go to school and work a regular job
196
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:38,709
and be able to pay the bills.
197
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,045
I have a three-year goal.
198
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:42,921
Three years, in and out.
199
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,089
I'm in school.
200
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,174
I'm paying off my debt.
201
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,717
So you're gonna do that
202
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,886
with who helping you?
203
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:49,927
Probably you.
204
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:53,264
I have both of you.
205
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,726
I'm glad that I'm able to tell you
206
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,853
and you're not, like�
207
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,146
disown me.
208
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,190
You know, most people
209
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,941
in the industry that I'm in�they can't.
210
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,151
They hide it.
211
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:06,778
And for me, if I were to have to hide it
from you guys,
212
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:07,922
it would've been devastating.
213
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:09,531
I-I can't change you who you are
214
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:10,616
and who you want to be.
215
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,076
I can support when you are telling me
216
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,369
the truth.
217
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:17,748
I'd rather have a relationship with you
218
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:18,707
than not.
219
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:19,875
You know, God says,
220
00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,210
"love the sinner, hate the sin."
221
00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:24,338
You know, I don't necessarily approve
222
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,924
of the sin here,
223
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,176
um, but I love the sinner.
224
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:30,844
If she finds out that I'm not going
225
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:31,887
back to school
226
00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:35,766
and I'm not in�and I'm just doing
sex work, then I�
227
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,392
she's not gonna help me.
228
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,978
I�I need�I need the help.
229
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,946
I was definitely freaking out
a little bit,
230
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,423
just, like, "What the hell am I doing?"
231
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,841
Like, "Is this actually happening?"
232
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,618
Like, it's a lot of pressure.
233
00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:56,161
Up until you're actually there,
234
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,955
you don't know if it's...
235
00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,414
gonna work out or not.
236
00:09:02,414 --> 00:09:06,414
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