Original subtitles

I like hurting things,

and you get off when I hurt you,

which makes you fun to play with.

I think it's most compelling

to use the different skills that I have

to try and impart an emotional experience in somebody else,

and that's the thread

that connects building

and sex work and performance.

You okay?

Yes, sir.

I'm a female-to-male transsexual,

and I have lived as a male

since 1993 full-time.

I have a lot of shame about my body.

I go to see Jessie because he gives me

a way to escape from myself,

to escape from my thoughts

and from judgment.

He gets me to a place

where I can just forget that stuff,

and I'm grateful for that.

Whoo!

I find... pain exciting.

Jessie is somebody else who gets that and I can do that with.

At work, my clients are men and women,

trans folks, people across the spectrum.

The bulk of my work

is not about getting people off.

Instead, it's about creating a container

to experience emotion in.

Whoo!

Me and my big mouth.

That doesn't hurt, does it? -No, sir.

What does it feel like?

It just scares me.

It's more like dance

or some kind of improv,

where I'll see

how he responds to something.

If it's working, I pick up on that

and adjust what I'm doing to work that in,

like a call and response.

It's that conversational aspect

that I think is reflective of my skills.

Thank you, sir!

It pleases me to be able

to handle more pain

than I thought I would have been able to.

I have a sense of accomplishment.

It's kind of like�

he did all the work.

I'm not sure what I accomplished,

but I do have this feeling like�

like I did some kind of useful work.

How's your back feel?

Warm.

I feel like I've been letting out

some secret

the people around me don't know.

I feel like we have created something

spiritually significant, sacred.

We created some kind of small temporal temple

outside of time.

Physicality and emotion

are linked.

Our emotions are in our bodies,

and so being physical and using our bodies

is a way to be more in touch

with what it feels like to be.

Kink and intense physical sensation

can be a tool to facilitate

someone being more present in their body

or being able to experience emotions

that are otherwise perhaps not accessible.

I will structure the scene

so that there will be

a crescendo of some kind.

Like, it will reach a peak

and then, from there,

will come down the other side,

which sometimes makes it easier

for people to feel things.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you for what, what?

For hurting me.

Do you like it when I hurt you?

Yes, sir.

Why?

Because it�it relieves.

It's a relief.

It relieves the pain.

It's an experience that I think

I could only have had with a professional.

I can trust that he knows how to do it.

I can trust him not to judge me.

I know what he's getting out of the relationship.

It's money, and I can�I can�

I can live with that.

Jessie seems to have

more of a transcendent concept.

He has respect for the energies he's raising.

Knowing about it has im�

has changed my life.

Cayenne translates into everything that I wish that I was:

confident, sexy, educated.

That's too bad. That's who you are anyway.

I know that, but it's like�

it's like a way of expressing that.

Your�your double life?

I do have a double life.

It allows me to have the balance.

And you're the perfectionist. You're the Virgo.

So that's why I need you in my life.

That's the first time

I've ever heard you say that.

What, that I need you in my life?

That you need me.

My mom knew that something was up

after I quit my job in May, um,

and I still didn't have a job in August,

and I kept having to, like, lie

and say that my "boyfriend"

was paying for things.

I was nervous telling my mother

that I was in sex work

because she is extremely religious

and very Christian.

She asked a lot of questions

'cause she was doing a lot of babysitting.

You know, if I wasn't working,

why did I need a babysitter,

or why was my son at day care?

I do appreciate you being�

I being able to tell you.

Like, I have nothing to hide.

I don't have�and, like, at the end of the day, I don't care

what anybody else has to say about me,

because guess what my mom knows.

So you can't tell me shit.

No, right here.

Me and my mother

don't really talk.

Oh, crash!

We only talk when it comes to my son,

um, and that's, like, really the only thing

that's holding our relationship together

at the current moment.

I do want her�

and not necessarily her approval.

I want her support.

My needs right now are financial.

That's my needs.

So how come you can't meet your own needs?

I can meet my own needs. I have been.

So... -Touch�.

Do you want him to know what you do?

I personally� -Are you gonna be proud of that?

I personally think

that it's female empowerment.

I don't see anything wrong with what I do.

So you're gonna be okay with telling him

how you earned your money?

Mm. -Yes.

From here? -Mm.

And how would you tell him?

I wouldn't tell him now. I don't expose him to it.

I didn't ask you that. I said, "How would you tell him?"

I would let him know that I dated men for money.

"Dated."

Technically, that's what she...

Technically, that's what I'm doing.

Oh, technically.

I don't feel like my son

is gonna view me any differently.

I think he's gonna respect� this isn't something that I'm gonna do�

You think?

I do.

I mean� -You hope.

I guess the issue I have is�

is why does it have to entail the sexual part?

And I enjoy sex.

Okay. -I handle my�

W-what part aren't you listening to? -Okay.

Bettering myself was not thirst traps

and how I can get�

manipulate money out of people

to better myself.

Right. -Education.

You were in school. -I am going to school.

That's the only reason I'm supporting this.

That's what I'm saying.

That's the only reason why I'm doing this,

is 'cause I don't have time

to go to school and work a regular job

and be able to pay the bills.

I have a three-year goal.

Three years, in and out.

I'm in school.

I'm paying off my debt.

So you're gonna do that

with who helping you?

Probably you.

I have both of you.

I'm glad that I'm able to tell you

and you're not, like�

disown me.

You know, most people

in the industry that I'm in�they can't.

They hide it.

And for me, if I were to have to hide it from you guys,

it would've been devastating.

I-I can't change you who you are

and who you want to be.

I can support when you are telling me

the truth.

I'd rather have a relationship with you

than not.

You know, God says,

"love the sinner, hate the sin."

You know, I don't necessarily approve

of the sin here,

um, but I love the sinner.

If she finds out that I'm not going

back to school

and I'm not in�and I'm just doing sex work, then I�

she's not gonna help me.

I�I need�I need the help.

I was definitely freaking out a little bit,

just, like, "What the hell am I doing?"

Like, "Is this actually happening?"

Like, it's a lot of pressure.

Up until you're actually there,

you don't know if it's...

gonna work out or not.

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