Original subtitles

♪♪

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

Bettina: So, you're a writer?

[Louder] So, you're a writer?

Yeah. Oh.

Right on. Right on.

Well, writer...director, actor sometimes.

Oh, hello -- triple threat. [Chuckling]

I didn't know there was a...

a Liza Minnelli in my car.

Welcome, welcome. [Chuckles]

Have you done anything I've seen?

No. I work at an ad agency.

Well, I am sure you are tired.

Just got off a plane from, I guess, Europe or whatever?

Los Angeles. Oh, right.

Right, right, right.

For suresies, for surrresies.

For suresy shore.

Well, if you need a nap or anything,

you just go on and get it. [Chuckles]

[Smacks lips]

Thanks.

You know, I do some writing, myself.

Wow. Do you?

I do, I do. Thanks for asking.

I, uh, love writing.[Cellphone vibrating]

The process, you know. The process of writing a movie

or any -- anything, really.

The best thing I ever wrote, hands down,

it was something that I think that James Cam-ron

would've really been into.Wow.

Do you know him from the "Titanic" movies?

And I, of course, can't tell you about it.

[Chuckles]

Well, you know, the writer's code and all that.

Can't break that.

It's a story of Korah.

Korah from the Bible, who, you know,

amasses this massive army to go up against, uh,

Moses and then God intervened and all hell breaks loose,

and it's special effects bonanza...[chuckles] you know,

which is why I think if it got on his desk,

it would be something that, you know,

James Cam-ron would really jump at.

[Hawk cries]

[Wind whistling]

[Owl hooting]

Bettina: So, Moses was, like, totally, totally boxed in, you know?

Uh, and then that's -- that's -- It's kind of where it, like, departs

from the original story.

'Cause then there's, like, a droid army.

I haven't quite figured this out yet,

but a droid army comes in and at some point --

Oh, boy. There it goes. Down she goes.I got it.

I got it. I got it. No, I got it.No, I got it. Well, I'll help you.

Oh, there -- Tha-- hey. You know what, you got it.There it goes.

[Clears throat] Whoa, I'll stand back.

[Chuckling]

Wow.

Oh, this place looks, uh...haunted.

I don't have a tip. I'm...sorry.

I -- Oh, psh, please, God.

The conversation was a tip in and of itself, sir.

Bye. Alright.

I'll make sure you get in.

[Exhales sharply]

Bye. Okay.

Hey, do you go by Fred or Mr. Banks?[Door opens]

[Door closes]

[Louder] You go by Fred or Mr. Banks?

[Sighs heavily]

[Clock ticking]

[Clock ticking with cursor]

[Humming]

[Ticking continues]

[Bird tweeting]

So...

What sound do you make?

[Inhales sharply]

[Swallows]

[Ominous music plays]

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

[Exhales sharply]

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

[Scoffs]

[Ticking continues]

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

[Ticking continues]

[Exhales sharply]

[Inhaling deeply]

[Keys clacking]

[Ticking continues]

[Lips smacking]

[Wind whistling]

[Whistling continues]

[Thudding]

[Thudding continues]

[Hits]

[Quiet and raspy] Leeeet me oooooouuuuuut.

[Wind continues]

[Louder] Leeeeeeet me

ooooooooouuuuuuuuut.

[Door slams]

[Chair scratches]

Nope.

[Ominous music plays]

[Rachael Yamagata's "Saturday Morning" plays]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's Saturday morning ♪

♪ And we got all day ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Baby, I've been missing you ♪

♪ In the... [hushed] strongest place ♪

Hi.

♪ All other days of the week ♪

Hi.♪ Have come down to this ♪

♪ Just kiss me, we'll be okay ♪Knee?

Knee.♪ There's no one around here ♪

♪ That I would miss ♪[Exhales sharply]

♪ Mad, if you were away ♪Um.

I, uh...

I mean, if you want anything for that,

I, uh, have a, uh -- live in that cabin

just down, uh -- down that driveway.

Oh. Funny. I'm actually in

one of the cabins down there, too.

Oh.

[Exhales heavily] I'm Fred.

I didn't ask your name.

Ha.

Anyway, I'm gonna walk or limp down that way.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna...

[Crows cawing]

So, what are you running from?

Running?

I'm not running.

I'm writing.Oh, really?! Me, too!

I, uh -- I drove up from the city.

♪EscapedBrooklyn.

So you're a writer, or...

Yeah, a novelist.

Uh, horror mainly.[Crow caws]

Huh.

Horror.

So do I.

"So do I." So do you.

So do you, too.

So do you novel, too? I...

A-Anything I've read?Uh, I mean...

Uh, I've got a few things in, uh --

had a few things in development.Oh, so yours is a no.

What about you? Have you, uh --

you written anything I've read or...I, um...[clicks teeth]

I just wrote a book called, um...[clicks cheek] "Venus."

It's about a little boy and his mom who, uh,

What, the -- the -- the zombie outbreak book?

You wrote "Venus?!"

I heard you on "Fresh Air."Oh, yeah.

You're a best-selling author![Chuckles]

Wow! Oh, I'm so sorry.

This road is actually only for best-selling authors,

so they might kick ya out. [Chuckles]

Well, I am an actor, too.

You know, I, uh...act.

Well, I w-was, but...

Uh, my knee hurts. I'm here.Oh, yeah, and I'm...

Well, uh -- Hey, uh, it was nice, uh --

nice meeting you, uh, Fanny...

It's Fanny Addie?

Yeah, right. Ah.

Fred. Banks.

Fred Banks.

So -- Hey...

happy writing.

Yeah. Keep the dream alive.

Okay.

[Clears throat]

[Crow caws]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Keys clacking]

[Clock ticking]

[Ticking continues]

[Computer blips]

[Cable latches]

[Sighs deeply][Computer blips]

You're not so great.

[Electricity thuds]

[Bird calls]

Nope.

[Thunder rumbles]

[As Jack Nicholson] You got a flashlight around here, Mr. Torranccce?

[Laughs]

We've got one here.

Nope.

Huh.

[Door squeaks, closes]

[Normal voice] You got a biiig imagination, Freddy.

[Computer clicks, powers down]

Huh.

Okay.

[Computer thuds]

[Sighs]

[Knocks on window]Ah! [Falls] Ah!Tour power out?!

[Thunder crashes]

[Door creaks]Just when I was really getting into my groove.

Sorry? [Sighs]

Oh, you know? The power outage.

I was writing and I was reallyfeeling myself.

You know when you're in Zumba and you're, like, dancing?

Like, you know, you're just sort of doing it

with a 90-year-old in the back? Like, a little bounce,

cause you can't quite follow the choreography,

and then all of a sudden that hip-hop song comes in

and you're like, "Yeah, bitch, I got this.

I may be a white girl, but I can shake it like a motherfucker."

Wow. this place is small.

Oh, your million dollar ideas?

Actually, yes. Oh.

What are you working on?I'm not telling you.

Oh. I'm sorry. Ha! That was kind of aggressive,

wasn't it? I just -- I don't really talk about my projects.

Some people steal, especially, you know,

desperate white dudes like you.

Excuse me.

Why didn't you make a fire?

Oh, uh. I intended to.

So, what are you working on?

[Thunder rumbles]

A few different things.

Writing things? You said you were a writer.

Yeah, I'm, um,

working on this religious epic right now.

It's about Korah. -Oh!

The rebel who betrayed Moses.

Dope. Or Korah from the Koran?

I'm still... still working that out,

but, uh...I've also got one about werewolves.

-Ugh.

-What? -Werewolves.

Yeah. Scary, right?

No. Trodden.

-How is it trodden? -Let me do it.

Oh.

[Wood thuds]You need kindling.

Yeah. I know.

Werewolves are tough.

You've got "An American Werewolf in London,"

and then you've got everything else, which is what?

Uh, "Silver Bullet?"

I think "Silver Bullet's" good.

"Silver Bullet" is childish, campy garbage.

[Match thuds][Fire whooshes]

-Ouch. -Whoo!

Nice job, me.

So, what's the werewolf tale?

Well, it's kind of a revenge story.

A werewolf kills a guy's parents.

A werewolf kills a guy's parents?

Well, he's a...

He's a little boy at the time.

At the time a werewolf kills his parents?

Tears 'em in pieces, yeah.

And he's like, "[Falsetto] I'm gonna get revenge."

Um... [Clears throat] So, it sort of becomes like a --

like an action saga.

I mean, that's a cool little-boy voice,

but, uhhh, what's the story?

What do you mean, "What's the story?"

That's the story. I just told you.

No, that's an idea. What actually happens?

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

Just because you're the best-selling author

of one horror book

doesn't mean you get to school me on story.

Oh, Fred.

[Fire poker dragging]

Actually...

[Thunder crashes]Yes.

Yes, it does.[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

You scared?

[Exhales sharply]

I don't love thunder.

What? Nothing scares you?

Oh, no. I love being scared.

♪♪

[Screams]

I have an idea...

Okay.

Cheers. Cheers.

What's your idea? Scare me.

Wait, like -- You scare me. I'll scare you.

What? Power outage.

I'm bored.

You're a scaredy cat. Unfair.

[Whispering] Let's tell each other scary stories.

[Exhaling sharply] I don't know any scary stories.

Oh, you don't know any scary stories?

You get to make 'em up 'cause you are a writer.

Youare the professional. [Chuckles]

I... work in advertising.

Oh, my God, dude. Shut the fuck up.

Use your imagination.

Come on, Fred. Story time.

No judgies.

Okay.[Match scratches]

♪♪

You first.

What do you mean, "You first?"

This was -- It your idea.

Tell your werewolf story.

[As Cryptkeeper] Chop chop, kiddies. Ha-ha.

That was a Cryptkeeper impression.

The... That's like my favorite --

That's my favorite show.Oh, my God. I love that show, too.

I love all his puns.

[As Cryptkeeper] Tonight's tale is a story of an ax murderer

who loves to have fun.

[Laughs as Cryptkeeper]

[As Cryptkeeper] Good evening, boys and ghouls.

May I...ax you a question? [Laughs]

[Both laughing as Cryptkeeper]

Werewolf. Go.

Okay, uh, so...

werewolf, hmm.

It is about... [Burps]

There's, uh, this kid, a little boy, and he --

His parents are slaughtered

by a werewolf.Jesus Christ, dude.

It's a good story, right?

No. Awful.

Huh.

I thought you said no judgies.

Dude! We are literally fireside.

Get the fuck up and conjure me some scaries.

You're an actor.Not like professionally.

Get up, use the space, and scare me!

Who are you, Uta Hagen?

Who-gen?

[Sighs heavily] Okay.

Fine. [Clears throat]Oh, hey!

He is warming up, guys! You know this is gonna be good!

Okay, just lower your voice.

What?

You afraid you're going to awake the women in the attic.

[Frail groaning]

[Footsteps, wood creaking]

[Creaking continues]

Let me out! Jesus!

Come on!

Get up and scare me, motherfucker!

We're burning moonlight!Okay! Alright, fine.

Shit.

[Exhales sharply] Okay.

So, uh... There's this little boy,

Sam, okay, and it's his birthday,

and his parents and all his family, they're all gathered around.

They're clapping and they're smiling and they're just like,

"Aw, what a great little boy.

Oh, what an incredible life we're going to give you."

It's a little on the nose. "What an incredible life

we're gonna give you?"Hey. This is my story.

I'm still working it out, okay?

Keep going.

Okay, so, that night,

Sam is tossing and he's turning in bed.

[Burps] Sorry. And It doesn't help

that there's, like, a storm -- like a reallybad storm.

And he looks outside his bedroom window,

and he sees this creepy...crawly...

tree.

Kind of like the one in Poltergeist.

[Wood creaking]You know, it's like

branches all gnarled,

and it's banging against the house in the wind,

just like... [imitates creaking and slam].[Slams]

[Creaking, slams][Creaking and slam continue]

[Creaking continues] Anyway.

So, Sam, he hears this noise downstairs,

and it's kind of like... [chuffs].

Like a -- Like a... [Snarls]

You know, like a weird animal sound.

And just down the hallway, his mom and his dad,

they hear it, too. And the mom wakes the dad.

Like, "[As mom] Sweetheart, did -- did you hear that?

[Indistinct], I think there's someone in the house."

"[As dad] Hey, don't -- don't wake me up." I don't know if the dad's,

like, Jewish or -- And the dad's like...

"[Indistinct] I guess I'll go check it out.

So...[clears throat] dad,

he goes downstairs with a flashlight.

Details! Details! Details!

Sam's dad, whose name is...Bill

and he has a mustache and a comb-over,

and he heads downstairs with a flashlight,

with a flash-- with a red flashlight,

like one you used to have as a kid.

That's a detail!Yeah.

So...[clears throat] he heads downstairs, and he's --

he's trembling. You know, he's like scared. He's the man of the house,

but his, like, heart is like beating fast. He's got a bad heart,

and he's just, like, really spooked, and he's trembling.

Show me. Show me the shaking.

He's like...[shuddering]. "[As dad] Okay.

Doesn't seem to be anything here."

-Hey. -Sorry.

He's looking for the source of the noise, you know?

And then, "Ah!

It's just a raccoon. [Imitates raccoon]

You know how when raccoons stand up

and they're all cute on their hind legs, and he's like...

[imitates raccoon]. And he has a little chuckle

He's like, "[Chuckles]

Well, that's definitely not evil."

But then he hears something.

He turns around.

[Breathing shakily]

[Screams]

[Whispering] Gasp. What is it, Fred?

It's a werewolf, Fanny!

It's a big fucking, gasping, gaping

3-feet-wide, 10-feet-tall,

inhuman fucking werewolf!

And it just, like, smashes through the window

like it's nothing!Like it's nothing. I love that.

He shines the flashlight in the werewolf's face.

[Imitates roaring][Sound deepens]

[Howls with normal voice]And takes his fucking fangs,

and he's like...[Growls, splatters]

[Screams as dad] "Please have mercy."

And the werewolf's like, "Fuck that. I'm a werewolf."

And he doesn't have mercy, and he was like...

[Real growl, splatters]

[Gurgling]

And blood's just...[fainting]. [Thuds]

So he's dead. But then,

little does the werewolf know, mom is standing

at the top of the stairs. She saw the whole thing.

[Gasps as mom] [Mumbling indistinctly]

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Honey. Ohh.

Sam! Get in the closet quick!

There's a werewolf in the house! And then she goes to Sam.

She's like... [whispering indistinctly].

Everything's gonna be fine, okay?

-Okay. -Okay. You get it.

So anyway, obviously the werewolf hears all of this,

because you know, ah, 'cause -- 'cause he's...

half dog or whatever. So he starts lurking up the -- up the stairs.

He's lumbering up the stairs?Lumbering up the stairs.

Yeah, he starts lumbering up the stairs, like...

Like...[snarling]

Show me that lumber!

[Heavily footfalls]

Ooh, breathe like a werewolf.

Breathe.

[Heavier footfalls]

[Snarling]

[Growling]

♪♪

[Quietly] Holy fuck. That's fucking scary, dude.

See?

I can be scary.

[Garbled] Apparently. [Chuckles]

Anyway.

So, the werewolf lurks

and lumbers and snarls his way up the stairs.

Just like...[snuffing]. Just like sniffing the area.

You know, searching for his next victim. [Snuffs]

And then mom distracts him from somewhere in the house.

She's like, "I'm in here, you hairy son of a bitch!"

I guess she's also kinda Long Island,

Jewish sorta thing, too. And he's like, ah.

And she grabs a revolver from the shoe box in the closet.

How'd you know? How'd you know I'd do -- what?

I mean, it's just sort of the obvious next step.

Why does it have to be obvious?

I -- Look, I'm not nagging you or anything.

It's just been done, like, I don't know,

600 or 700 times.

Okay. Thanks for your permish. Anyway.

She takes a revolver out of the closet,

loads it as fast as she can.

"[Gasping as mom] Oh, God."

[Bullets clicking]

[Werewolf snarling]

She's like...[indistinct] And the werewolf's like...

[Snarling continues]

Shoot. [Whines]

Oh, shit, shit, shit. Shit, shit.

[Revolver chamber spins]And she loads a bullet into the chamber,

and she cocks the hammer.Quick question.[Gun cocks]

A-Are they silver bullets? It really feels like

mom knows what she's doing here.

You know, was she a cop or something?

Yeah. Y-Yeah, good point.

Meanwhile, her little boy, he's hiding in the closet

just, like, trying not to make a peep, like.

Laurie Strode in "Halloween."

Exactly. Exactly.

Okay.

[Breathing heavily, whimpering]

[Whispering] As the werewolf is, like,

walking past the closet door. Like...ka-thump.

[Gasps] Ka-thump.

[Muffled] Ka-thump. [Mumbling indistinctly]

[Werewolf growling, stomps]Ka-thump, ka-thump.

[Growling continues]Ka-thump, ka-thump.

That's when mom gets in the firing position.

"Smile, you son of a bitch!"

Very "Jaws."Favorite movie.

[Werewolf roars][Gunshots]

Then there's just, like, smoke, you know?

Did she kill him?

No! The werewolf's like...

[Werewolf roaring][Claws shink]

[Squelches][Screaming as mom]

[Gurgling]

And her neck is just, like, bleeding

all over the fucking floor, and she's like...

"I love you so much." [Gagging]

And she lets out this bloody gar-gargle.

Gurgle. She lets out a blood gurgle.

And she's like... [Bloody gurgle]

"[Strained] Remember when things were better."

[Gurgling] Bah.

So, she's dead.

Now it's just Sam hiding

in the safety of the closet. [Gasps]

Just watching that werewolf.

It's getting closer and closer.

[Whimpers][Werewolf stomping]

[Imitates growling][Werewolf growling, stomping]

[Quietly] See, he's getting closer to the the closet door.

[Louder] And Sam's like, "Oh, my fucking God, oh, my God!

I'm gonna die." And the werewolf's like...

[Imitates growling][Werewolf growling]

And then...boo![Siren wailing]

It's the fucking cops![Brakes screech]

[Imitates brakes screeching][Garbled through radio] [Indistinct] fucking murder.

It's by a werewolf. Fire away.

And the cops are descending on the house,

and they're just like -- And the werewolf hears this.

He's like, ah! Which is werewolf for,

"Fuck! I'm outta here!"

[Glass shattering]

[Werewolf growling]

[Imitates growling]

[Coffee table scrapes] Ah!

[Groaning]

Did the werewolf hit his knee or was that just you?

[Quietly] That's very funny. That's really funny.

Okay, real question -- How'd the cops come?

[Exhales sharply]

They knew...

because mom...

she dialed 911

and left the receiver off the hook.

[Receiver thuds]

So, uh, cops come, little boy gets rescued,

werewolf gets away and then what?[Refrigerator door opens]

[TV dinner jostles]

It's a really good question.

That's a really g-good question. Um.

Well, I think... [Exhales sharply] Ah.

...Sam grows up, and he becomes kind of like a --

maybe like a bounty hunter

hell-bent on getting revenge on his parents' killer.

Yeah, I mean, I guess my first question is...

Did Sam's family know this werewolf?

You know, like, pre -- pre-becoming a werewolf?

Was it the neighborhood pervert

who was bitten by some lycan

and then just came after the family

'cause, like, he secretly likes little boys,

like Stanley Tucci? [Sniffs]

I mean, not that Stanley Tucci likes little boys,

but you know, it's kind of like "Lovely Bones,"

and he played that character, and he was so good.

Yeah, no, I don't know. I mean, that's good,

but I -- I don't know. I-I'll figure that out.

But... -Okay. So, uh...

Does Sam get his revenge?

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

[Sighs heavily] Maybe Sam tracks him down like at a diner.

Maybe he's like a creepy mechanic.

With his mom's revolver,

the gun he's been carrying around for years,

and it's loaded with silver bullets.

And he walks up to him. He knows who he is.

He knows his, like, alter ego, you know?

And he's like, "Excuse me...

Are you Ben...Franklin?"

Sorry, I'm not good with coming up with names.

No, I think it's great that the werewolf shares his name

with a politician who also discovered electricity.

Yeah, I agree.

"Are you Ben Franklin?"

"[Deep voice] What the fuck is it to you, buddy?"

And he just, like -- all the rage, all he hears.

He's just, like, seeing the...[imitates roar], like, all those years.

And he's looking at his eyes, and he looks at him, and he knows.

And then...everything goes in slow-motion.

[Imitates heartbeat][Heart beating]

[Thunder rumbles]

Splat.

End movie! Cue Huey Lewis!

Credits.

[Howling]

What if Sam's a girl?

Uh...

Well, she's not.

Because I'm writing from personal experience.

Oh, the personal experience

of a werewolf killing your entire family?

You must hate dogs.[Scoffs] Fanny...

Too many white guys in action flicks.

Come on, John Wick.

Pass the Bechdel test.

Okay, Sam's a girl.

Sam's a girl now. Sam's Samantha.

Okay. You happy?

Sam is a girl, because I'm a...

white dude who's inclusive of all --Inclusive of all genders,

conforming and nonconforming, yeah.

And hand out a compliment, for Christ's sake, you know.

I just made a fool of myself acting my little heart out for you.

Your turn, Strasbourg.

I'm good.

What the hell do you mean, you're good?

It was your idea to stay up all night

and do this, like...[Poker drags]

...scary story theater shit.

Come on, act out that "top secret project"

you've been talking about.

I couldn't possibly do that.

What, did you sign, like, an NDA or something?

Actually, yes. Huh.

All my stuff that's in development is top secret, so...

Well, aren't you, uh... cool.

Well, you got to tell me some story.

I mean, come on.

Tell me more about the...[as Cryptkeeper] woman in the attic.

Actually, I've got a story for you.

It's called...

"Grandpa."

I'm hooked. And it's about

a little girl and her creepy-crawly grandpa.

Real quick, if this is a kid-touchy story,

not interested.Well, that's what makes it so scary.

This little girl, let's call her Cassie.

Every day, Cassie is left alone with her grandpa

and she just knows he's gonna do something.

It's not just the fact that he's Romanian

or Russian or something vaguely Slovak

and sounds like a fucked-up vampire.

It's the way his lazy eyes

track her around the room

as she's cleaning up

or playing with her dolls.

How he sits slumped

at the dining room table

that they haven't had a meal at since poor grandma died,

his coffee table littered with old newspapers

and nature magazines

conveniently dog-eared to the pages of indigenous women

bearing their breasts,

pack after pack of Kent Kings smoked.

"[Eastern European accent] Come here.

Come to your grandpa.

How is school?"

Okay. I'm good.

Dude, shut the fuck up. I'm not going there, okay?

[Scoffs]

Anyway. Fucked-up thing.

Cassie tries to hide.

Grandpa tries to find her.

Shuffling around in his pajamas,

wheeling around that squeaky oxygen tank.

[Imitates squeaking]

Always knew where grandpa was 'cause of that squeaky tank.

Most fucked-up part is his dog, Rover --

just nipped at Cassie any time she came around,

and grandpa would shrug it off.

"[Accent] Oh, he loves you maybe more than grandpa, I tink."

[Snorting chuckling]

Just kidding. [Coughing chuckling]

Cassie knew how much grandpa loved his sloppy soups

and warm apple sauces.

So one say before dinner, she goes to the medicine cabinet

and decides to poison him.

That's a fucked-up kid.No, it's like kid logic.

You know, she's like, "[Falsetto] I don't know.

Maybe medicine will make him better

or maybe it will make him dead.

But either way, I shall be happier.

Also I'm 5, so I don't know better."[Medicine cabinet creaks]

So she takes the medicine out,

and she breaks the little pills

like a mini Paul Sheldon "Misery."

Sprinkles them over the soup

and serves grandpa.[Bowl clatters]

But just as grandpa is about to take his first sip...[Spoon scraping]

[Coughing]

...he begins to cough.

And soon...[coughs]

...the cough turns into a full emphysemic attack.

[Coughing, gagging][Man coughing]

He spasms and knocks the soup over.[Soup and spoon clattering]

Before he can say, "Down boy," Rover runs over...[Dog tags jangling, paws thudding]

...and eats all of it.

[Slurping, bowl clattering]

[Imitates slurping]

Stop. Sorry.

That just makes me uncomfortable.

Not long after Rover lap-lap-laps up

all that soup, as expected,

he drops dead right there, right in front of them.

[Dog whimpers, thuds]

As you can imagine,

grandpa is beside himself.

[Screaming] "Nyet! Nyet!

Oh, [speaking foreign language]!

Oh, my-ah suka.

Suka...

Grandpa's health quickly declines after that.

Few days later, Cassie kneels next to grandpa's bed

and shovels Greek yogurt or applesauce

or some soft shit into his mouth,

but he's just too sad.

It just gets all over his face.

Like...[gurgling]

"[Accent] Cassie, come here.

I have secret for you."

Well, Cassie doesn't want to "cyum heahr."

But she does 'cause she knows what she did,

and she's like, "[As Cassie] You know, whatever.

It'll be over soon. Remember what mom said.

Be nice to grandpa.

He don't got long left."

And he grabs her arm with his gnarly fingers.

"Oh, grandpa, you're hurting me."

"[Accent] Shh. Shh.

I know what you did.

I know you tried to kill me

but you killed doggy instead."

"[Crying] No, grandpa, I swear. I didn't mean to.

I promise it was a mistake.

It was an accident."

"When I..." [Coughing]

He starts choking, you know?

He's got the food all over his mouth.

It's fucking disgusting.

[Coughing]

"[Accent] When I come back,

I'm going to get you.

[Thunder crashes]

-Wow. -She's just fucking crying.

[Sobbing as Cassie]

"[Accent] Shh. Yes, cry.

You cry little girl 'cause you try to kill me

but you killed doggy instead.

Is so much worse.

[Thunder rumbles]

[Chuckling, snorting]

[Thunder rumbles]

[Choking]

[Exhales deeply]

[Thunder rumbles]

So Cassie's mom sees her little girl just totally inconsolable,

just crying, and she thinks she's sad.

But no, she's fucking terrified.

Mom shields Cassie's eyes from the dead body,

pointing her directly to the wall

where the only piece of art...

is a portrait...

of grandpa's...

beloved dog, Rover.

Cue convenient thunder and lightning.

[Thunder crashes]

Thank you. So!

Couple years later, Cassie's in high school.

-Show me those details. -Don't interrupt me.

So, one day, they leave her home alone,

and Cassie plops down on the couch,

pops in a VHS -- something innocuous.[VHS slides]

-"Howard the Duck." -Don't interrupt me.

Sorry.[Bottle cap thuds, VHS slides]

Cassie's splayed out on the couch,

watching "Howard the Duck."

Ah, damn it.[Remote clicks]

-I'm Howard the duck. -When the phone rings...

[Telephone rings][Receiver picks up]

"[Falsetto] Hello?" Cassie's voice and body

are stunted from the childhood trauma.

It's a psychological disorder.

"Hello?

[Through receiver] "[Accent] Cassie..."

If this was a movie, I'd dolly in real slow right about now.

"[Accent] Cassie...

Do you know who this is?

It's grandpa.

I told you when I come back, I was going to gyet you.

[Chuckles].

[Whispering] And that's when she hears it.

In the house.

The squeak.

[Wheels rolling across wood]

[Imitates squeaking][Footsteps and squeaking]

[Squeaking continues]

Nice sound effects.

[Squeaking continues][Footsteps and squeaking continue]

Cassie's like, "What do I do?

Should I get a knife or somethin'?"

[Knife shinks]

[Whispering] And she walks... slowly to the staircase.

Whatever it is...

It's close.

And then she sees it.

[Gasps]

[Ominous music plays]

There at the top of the stairs

is grandpa's shitty, shitty Shih Tzu.

"R-Rover?"[Dog growling]

It traipses down the stairs with a sickly gait...[Stairs groaning]

...one cockeyed leg in front of the other...

[raspy] and rowls...

towards...

Cassie...[Dog tags jangling]

...reeeaaal slow.

And...

gets...

directly in her...

face.

[Guttural, real growl]

The door opens by itself.

[Door creaking]

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Dog tags jangling]Out slinks the ghostly dog,

and in walks mom.

They find Cassie,

face white as a Japanese toilet,

clutching a knife.

"[As mom] Sweetheart..."

"[As Cassie] Don't call me that.

I need a break. Let's order pizza.

-Um. -I'll get it.

What do you want?

Anything but Hawaiian.

Oh, how white of you.

What's with you and this, like, white-guy shit?

Are you one of these, uh,

white-dudes-will-destroy- the-Earth feminists...people?

What are you, an insult dude?

Calm the fuck down. I'm ordering you some za.

Hi, uh, can I get a half-veggie, half-uh-cheese, probably?

Uh, delivered t-- What's the address?

Uh...

Uh. It's...

Uh, yeah. 88 Bonnie Mountain Lane.

An hour? Alright. Yeah.

They're a little backed up 'cause of the blackouts.

Uh, yeah, that's fine. Great. Love pizza!

Bye.[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

Who's Meredith? She says you're a monster.

Oh, shit. Give me that.

Who's Meredith? It's my ex.

Your ex? What'd you do, monster?

Just give me my phone.Come on --

Just give me my fucking phone!

You can go back to your bigger, better fucking cabin!

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Yeah. Thanks.

A little privacy would be great.

[Speaking indistinctly]

[Speaking continues]

♪♪

-I'm done. -Jesus! Dicks!

Sorry. [Exhales heavily]

Sorry. Didn't mean to.

What do you got there?

CBD. Maybe I should've given you some

before you freaked the fuck out.

Yeah, maybe you should've given me something

before my ex told me she's filing a protection notice.

Protection notice?

You mean, restraining order?

It's not the same thing.

Um.

May I?

[Sighs heavily]

It's good.

I took her for granted.

Um...

And, uh... she wanted to end it.

Big surprise.

She decided to kick me out.

Big surprise.

I find out there may have been another guy.

Bigsurprise.

And, um...

I wrote her a bunch of letters,

called her 200 or 300 times,

and I threatened to kill her.

We threatened to kill each other, honestly. [Clears throat]

You know when you're in a relationship with someone...

I don't know if you're -- you're in a...

...and you're like, "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

Not making me feel any better, buddy.

Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.

Anyway, I got a shrink,

my shit's together, I hate my life.

Why do you hate your life?

[Laughs]

Why do I hate my life?

Well, um...

Look at you.

You're what?

A classy lady.

No, how old are you?

You don't ask a classy lady her age.

I'm 38. [Exhales heavily]

And you are living your dream,

and your dream isn't exactly rocket science.

Gee. Thanks, dude.

I'm sorry. I didn't -- I --Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you dosomething?

Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll -- I'll get right to it.

Well, here's an opportunity.

[Quietly] It's your turn.

♪♪

Hit me, Scaremaster.

Why don't you do "Venus?"

Why? 'Cause it's a classic.

Those of us who... don't know what it is.

For those of us who don't know?

This isn't a movie, dude. We don't need to establish shit.

Establish with me. I haven't read it.

I thought you were a fan.Maybe.

So, you haven't read my book,

but you know I'm the author?

[Exhales sharply] Only because you told me who you are.

I -- I don't read a lot.

Reading and writing makes a good writer.

It's a Stephen King quote. Not verbatim.

Well, I'm pretty sure I can just write

and watch movies and be good at it.

I'm pretty sure that's the quickest way

to become a regurgitative hack.

[Pages ruffle]

[Pen scratches]

What are you writing?

Ideas. Good writers write down ideas.

All your golden ideas.

Possibly.

"Venus." Go.

-No. -Come on.

Humor me. It's your turn.

It's gonna take me a minute to think of one.

Wow, really blew your load

with the whole boy who cried werewolf, huh?

Okay.

[Exhales sharply] Alright. Um...

I used to do this thing when I was a kid.

I'd scare my brother by getting real low like this and going.

[As Gollum] I'm a troll.

[Snarls] That's actually really good.

I'm a creepy little troll man.

Oh, no. That's good. That's scary, Fred.

Do I freak you out? Yeah.

You sound a lot like Gollum

from "Lord of the Rings," troll.

What's your story, huh?

Do you live under a bridge?

[Normal voice] I do.

I do live under a bridge.

More interesting if you lived somewhere weird, like, uh --

like the air ducts of an office building --

An Edible Arrangements company.

[Indistinct office chatter][Telephone rings]

[Silly voice] Baskets You Can Eat! There's a troll in the wall.

[Chuckling] That's really good. There's a new guy at work --

or girl, hmm, sorry. Uh, her name's, uh, Karen.

It seems like a good name for, like, an unsuspecting new hire.

Sure.Anyway, Karen interviews with the old boss

who's like, "Sure, at Baskets You Can Eat, the name sounds cute,

and, sure, we seem like a bunch of sweet, simple folks

living in a small coastal

Maine town where nothing bad happens,

except we've got one small secret.

There is a troll living in our ceiling."

Do not be afraid of the troll!

If you don't fuck with the troll,

the troll don't fuck with you.

[Normal voice] Oh, they wouldn't really swear, would they?

It'd be more like, "[Breathily] Oh, mind your baskets.

Mind your baskets, and the troll will mind his."

I like that. I like "mind your baskets."

as a sort of a catchphrase.

Just a bunch of people's lunches start going missing.

[Refrigerator jostles]"Hey!

There was a PB and J in here that my wife made me!

Who stole it?

Was it that troll?"

Everyone in the office turns to him at the same time.

Do it with me.

[Both sigh]

Shh.

Wow, that was -- that was really freaky. Yeah.

[Typewriter dings, clacks]Later that night, Karen's crunching the numbers

on the arrangements that are edible, of course.[Typewriter dings]

And suddenly, she hears a voice.

[Gollum muttering]Hello?

He's in the vents!

[Vents thudding]

Oh, uh, like in "Labyrinth"

when all the trolls skid around her room.

Yeah, it's like you can't really see 'em, and it's like,

rumble, rumble, rumble. And then, he's behind there!

[Muttering like Gollum]

[Growling]

[Growling continues]

♪♪

Hello, Karen.

How do you know my name?

Mm...because... [singsong voice] I'm a troll.

Hey. Happy Birthday.

Why, thank you.

What's your name?

Dev...

Devin?

Devin the troll?

That's an awfully modern name, Devin...the troll.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And I've come to grant you a birthday wish.

Anythingyou want.

Anything at all.

Oh.

I would love to say goodbye to my dad.

I didn't get to say goodbye to my dad.

[Laughs as Devin]

Why are you laughing at me?

[Laughing] Are you fucking kidding me?

I can't grant you a wish.Why not?

Because I'm just a troll.

[Normal voice] Yeah, okay, but...

[as Karen] why are you here, troll?

I don't --

I don't know, story-wise.

[Sighs] Fred, you're really overthinking this.

What is it? Is it a curse? Yeah, uh...

Or maybe he's like a good troll. Right?

He was attracted to this place because of its good vibes.

The original owner had all these great intentions

of, uh, making these arrangements...

That are edible.Yes, that are edible.

...to make people happy.

And, you know, then he passed away,

and now the new owner is this misogynistic pig.

So, uh, troll got stuck here. I don't know.

Yeah, or it's like...

[as Devin] I'm just an evil troll,

and I've been slumbering in the air vents,

and I have a taste for human flesh.

[As Karen] Ah, my leg.

[Hushed] Sorry.

Say, Karen.

Do you like making people happy?

Why, yes. I do.

I love making people happy.

[Raspy breathing]

Kill your boss.

He's been real bad around here.

Mean and creepy,

and I want you to stick him.

Stick him like the little creepy pig he is,

and then, things will turn around around here.

[Chuckles] If you don't,

I'll kill you and everyone you know.

[Laughs]

Oh, okay.

Okay. Um. [Clears throat]

[As Devin] Tomorrow night, he'll be working late.

Do it then.

I'll be right there watching.

Hold up, Devin. Ah.

Killing my boss is a big F'ing deal.

What do I get in return?

[Normal voice] Uh.

I don't...know, story-wiiise.

Okay, maybe she kills her boss

and then she has to kiss the troll

and she gets like, uh,

300 years of life. [Sniffs]

Oh, yeah. That's good.

Yeah. Y-- [Clears throat]

[As Devin] Kill your boss and then kiss me,

and you'll live for 300 years.

[As Karen] Oh, you're too ugly to kiss.

You literally just told me to say that.

Well, you make a very good point, Devin the troll.

-[Sighs] -Okay. Kill my boss,

live to see my granddaughter's granddaughters,

and kiss a troll.

Wow, a lot of rules, but yeah, okay.

I'm in. Deal.[Thunder crashes]

So, Karen goes about her business,

you know, selling baskets that are edible or whatever,

and the day comes where she's working late

and she has to kill

her seemingly harmless boss.

And her heart is pounding.

And she ducks into his office.

[As Karen] But he's not there.

[As boss] Oh, hey.

You lookin' for somethin'?

[As Karen] Oh. I, um...

I was just -- I was looking for someone.

I was actually looking for you.

[As boss] Oh, were ya?

[Normal voice] And just like that,

all her doubts go flying out the window

'cause sure her enough,

her creepy-fucking boss moves on her

like the pervert he is.

[Inhales deeply]

Oh.

His hand moves all around her body, up her neck,

in her mouth [spits]... in her...[spits]

lips, cheek.

[As Karen] Oh.

[Normal voice] He rubs his little, tiny disgusting erection

against his K-Mart khakis.

His breath sounds smells like a PB and J sour melt sammie.

Ew. Yeah, no shit, ew.

We're trying to empathize with her, you know.

Make -- Make us really want to kill this motherfucker.

[Sighs heavily] So Karen is pressed against the wall,

surrounded by edible arrangements.

You know, which is ironic, because they're just supposed

to make people feel better.

[As Karen] [Breathing heavily] How am I gonna kill this guy?

[Normal voice] And then she sees them.

Scissors.

[Scissors snipping]

Fred: He's got her by the shoulders now,

and he's complimenting her on how great she smells,

which is ironic, because he smells like a --

Dirty diaper. Yeah.

Like a dirty diaper filled with sour cream.

Oh, God. Well, point is he's disgusting,

and Karen's got the scissors by her side now.

They're hidden. And she's like...

[As Karen] Oh, gosh. I've never killed someone.

"Does living for 300 years really mean that much to me?"

[Normal voice] But then she feels those two beady yellow eyes

staring at her from the air ducts.

♪♪

Is that the dishwasher?

I thought the power was out.

-Stay in it. -Yeah.

[As Devin] Come on. Don't be a coward.

Wow, you must really want that kiss, huh?

Anyway, her boss says something condescending to her. Something like,

"[Midwestern accent] Oh, you're such a good girl."

Yeah, or like, "You got a lot to learn,

and I'm a really good teacher."

No, you know, something more, uh, subtle.

That's too on the nose, subtle and creepy.

Something like, "Oh, you bore me."

But, you know, he's fully erect.

And the troll's pissed now. He's like,

"[Growling] Do it! Do it or I'll do it my-fucking-self!

Karen stabs!

[Screams]

[Gasps] Uh-oh.

[Laughs]

Oh, yeah. It's like, um,

his mousy secretary has come back into the room.

She's forgotten something.Yeah.

[Gasps as Barbara] Karen?

Barbara.

It's not what it looks like.

And that's when the troll's like, "Kill her, quick!

No witnesses!"

-[Snarling] -[Screaming]

[Snarling]

-[Sobbing] -[Snarling continues]

[Snarling continues] -[Screaming]

[Laughing] I'm gonna eat you alive![Laughing]

Ow! Ow! God.

It's not that it's not painful to sit like that.

It's just... [Laughs]

[Panting] Oh, Lord.

Yeah.

Oh, um...

The deed done, the troll, um...

Oh, yeah. Uh, you know, uh.

Yeah, he's like -- He's like...He comes at the woman.

He's like, "Good teamwork.

You killed your boss."Yeah, I mean, I-I think it'd be a little more

official than that, yeah, right, like, um...It'd be more, yeah. It'd be more, like a...

[As Devin] A-A-A murderess' streak

I'll dredge of you yet, my lady.

Now, how about that kiss.

[Normal voice] He's kind of a pirate in my version.

That's okay. Yeah.

Yeah, and then he --

and the t-- the troll leans in.

Oh, uh, yeah. So does -- So does the lady.

[As Devin] And to think, 300 years of life...

Ain't so bad. It's not so bad.

[Muttering] Not so bad

Excuse me.[Fred and Carlo screaming]

[Screams] [Breathing heavily]

Sorry. I'm Carlo!

What the fuck is a Carlo?!

Pizza. I'm a pizza guy.

I'm a pizza -- pizza guy.Oh.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you guys.

Yeah, it's fine. Uh-huh.

[Chuckles]Yeah, well, you definitely didn't scare us.

I mean, excuse me, I definitely did because you definitely

screamed really loudly, but...

Half-cheese and half-veggie, right?Oh, right.

Oh, yeah, um, yeah.Thank you so much.

Fred's paying, right?Oh, the -- Yeah, I sure...

Thanks, dude. Wow.

Great tip, man. Appreciate it.

Alright, well, you guys have a great evening, okay, uh...

I'm glad to see you guys aren't killing each other out here

'cause it would be the perfect night to do it, you know?

It's like, "Wait, what are you doing out here?"

"Nah, I'm -- I'm just..." [Squelching]

He didn't even see that coming. [Squelches]

You know, then just put him in a conveniently located car, right?

And then someone else saw me. "Oh no!"

"Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."

And he's dead, right?

Put him in the trunk. [Grunts]

Wow, that was really creepy. Sorry about that, guys.

[Chuckles] Whoo, anyway.

Good night.Night.

Wait, wait, wait!Ah. [Snaps fingers]

Ahh, plates, right?

For pizza?

You need plates. Right.

Oh, uh, no.

Y-You seem like a fella who might be interested

in some scary stories.

And you seem correct.

[Chuckles]

It's almost like you'd think I'd be tired of pizza, right?

But like, no. I love our pizza.

It's like the best in town. You know?

It's like, in the area probably, to be honest.

Right on, man. So, um, Fred and I --

my friend over here -- we have been, uh,

riding out the storm by telling each other scary stories.

Oh, that sounds cool. So, like, you guys, like, are --

like, Boy Scout leaders or something like that?

No, um...

I'm a -- Well, we're writers.

I'm not a... [Clears throat] Well, Fanny's a writer.

Fanny's famous. Fannie's a famous writer.

I'm not famous.[Chuckles]

Ouch. [Laughs]

Emancipated much? [Chuckles] Wait, what's it --

[snaps fingers] It's not emancipated. It's not that.

Immaculate.

No, it's the opposite of that.

It's just like that but bad.

Ooh, emasculated! [Snapping fingers] That's it.

You are emasculated!

Look at you! You're a emasculated man!

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, man.

Come on. Chin up, man, ah.

Have you heard of "Venus?"

Oh, come on. Let's not.

Oh, the book? Of course.

That's her.

Wait. You wrote "Venus?"

Sure did. I'm sorry.

You wrote "Venus?" Mm-hmm.

You. Youdid that.

The person right here opened a laptop,

just, I don't know -- just casually wrote

the best horror book of all time.

That's you? Oh.

It's not the best horror book of all time.

I mean, I know Amazon said that and like a couple blogs

and the New York Times and The Guardian

and Wall Street Journal.

[Garbled] Oh, and Vulture.

It's a New York magazine one.

But not everybody.

-That is dope! -Yeah.

And you're in for a treat, Carlo,

because it's Fanny's turn to tell a story,

so congratulations, buckle up, and you're welcome.

She's really good at it.

Actually, I think, uh, since Carlo is our guest,

he should be the one to decide who tells a story

andwhat it's about,

right, sweetie pie?

Wait -- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope.

[Chuckles]

Do one about dead babies.

Right? Like an a army of them.

Ya know, they've got, like, little baby hands.

They just like, "We don't want bottles, we want blood."

You know? [Laughs] Like, it can be like a musical.

It's like a terrifying musical.

♪ We're dead babies with really bad scabies ♪

Terrible.

Baby scabies.

Real bad. Ha.

[Sighs deeply]

Or...[Clears throat]

we could do one about a, uh --

like a...t-teenager

who's in school, and he gets like a s--

he gets sick. He gets an illness or something,

and he's like -- his skin's falling off,

so it's kind of like he becomes like a ghoul.

Ah! Too Ghoul For School!

That is very clever!Thank you.

No, for real. That is very clever.

Nice wordplay. I'm writing it down. [Gasps]

She's writing it down.You can't write that down.

Why not?Because it's not your idea.

It's not an idea. It's a title. I'm writing a title.

Yeah, I thought about it, and I don't even care.

Will you stay out of this, please?Okay. Ouch.

I mean, ouch for real.

[Silly voice] Okay, boys. Just settle down.

Now who wants to do some cocaine?

[Blade tapping]

[Humming]

[Sniffing]

[Exhales sharply]

Sorry, I don't have a lot.

Wow.

A writing retreat without enough drugs.

How do you do it? [Chuckles]

I don't see you contributing anything.

You're drinking my booze, aren't you?

[Chuckles]

Anyway.

I don't do drugs.

Together: You've never done coke?!Dude.

Dude! You've never done coke?

You puss-say! Pussy!

I'm not a pussy. I've just never done coke.

Okay?

You wouldn't want to see me on coke if I did it.

[Breathes sharply]

[Sniffs]

Oh, okay.

Let me do one more. [Chuckles]

[Sniffs] Oh!

Birthdays! [Chuckling] Yeah.

Slow down, Lohan. [Chuckles]

Man, I haven't done that shit since college.

[Chuckles]Where did you go to college?

Oxford.Hmm. Got ya.

Alright, guys. Let's do some scares!

Scares! Fanny, fanny, bo-banny.

I can't wait!Why don't you do "Venus."

Fred, this is an evening of original work.

Fanny, one of your biggest fans is present.

He would love -- Carlo, wouldn't you?

Carlo would love to hear you perform your life's work.

Ow, my nose.Ahhh...

that is not my words, but, uh, uh, uh,

not wrong, either.

Enlighten us. Enlighten me.

I mean, I haven't read it, but I bought dinner, didn't I?

Oh, you buy me dinner, you expect a story?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

"Venus."[Clapping] By Fanny Addie, whoo!

[Statue thuds]Whoa, oh, ah, sorry, hey.

Kicked this bear. Does anybody own it? It's not your house.

"Venus" is the story of a young mother and her little boy,

and they're going on vacation in the Catskills.

[Door creaking][Imitates creaking]

[Gasps][Bats fluttering, squeaking]

And that's when we hear something in the room!

-Ah! -It's a dare!

And that part scared the living shit outta me.[Creature growling]

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba!

[Roaring][Exhales sharply]

-[Screams] -Taxidermy.

There's this big stuffed moose on the wall.

[Moose bellows]

-[Distorted] Hey, Fred! -Fred! Stay in it, Fred!

[Distorted] Jason's watching scary movies![Indistinct speaking]

[Imitating horn blaring][Car horn blaring]

It's the dead bus driver!

[Indistinct speaking]

[Indistinct] gets blood all over her face, god damn it!

She's infected!

What? [Gun cocks] .22!

Bang, bang, bang, bang, ka-blam![Gunshots, creatures hissing]

Cuckaw! Bam![Creatures screeching, gunshot]

He blows everybody's brains out!Anyway!

[Distorted] I do this really amazing job of setting up

this really honest...

Hello, miss. Can I use your bathroom?

[Echoing] She lets him in. He's handsome.

But he doesn't use the bathroom.

Are you one of them? Huh? Mom thinks fast.

She grabs a cleaver, but he's faster.

[Both grunt]

Then something really weird happened.

[Screaming] Run Jason!

Ruuun!

Then all the sudden, the mom appears -- changed!

[Hissing]

He tries to get away, but he can't run.

He's like, wait, what am I doing, oh...[Hissing]

Hi. [Screams]

S-So mom just turns into a zombie vampire?

Well, that -- We don't call them that explicitly.Never explained.

Never explained.

But that's what I love about it. Ohh.

I mean, look, we left out a lot of details,

but the truth is, like, "Venus" is not just about,

like, a zombie-like outbreak that only affects women.

It's really about gender politics. Mm-hmm.

Huh.

I don't see it.D-- You don't s--

[Laughing] You don't see it. Um.

It's about how men cling to their mothers.

These, uh, invincible, infallible humans

who can do no wrong.

Yeah. I don't know. My mom was kind of a...

Kind of a bitch.

[Clicks tongue] Wow.

Okay. Wow, wow, wow.

Um, well, on that note...Yeah. [Chuckles]

You know, I'd just like to take second to acknowledge,

to laud, to fucking celebrate

this man right here.

This creative, beautifully-nuanced

partner in scares,

Mr. -- Uh,

what's your last name, sweetie? Oh.

Oh, I -- I don't tell anybody that. Oh, yeah.

Mr. Carlo, the enigmatic Carlo.[Chuckles, clears throat]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I, uh, I don't have a speech prepared, so I won't say one.

[Chuckles]

Mmm.

[Exhaling sharply]

[Clears throat]

You still high?I am very high now.

NNNot me.

No. I'm still high. [Chuckles]

You gonna go, Fred?

You want me to leave?

Oh, you want me to go. My turn. Uh...

How 'bout we do something a little cheery, you know?

All these tales of tortured kids.

Why don't we do something with a little music?

You know, Fred, that is -- that is a good idea.

No, really, you are -- You are truly onto something.

A story about a singer.

What else?

A singer that is, uh, also like a teen slasher?

Teen slasher singer.[Chuckles] Oh.

A singer... possessed by the devil.

[Inhales sharply]

Oh, fucking -- You know what, Fred?

You're on a fucking roll. Really.

True -- True genius coming out. Ohh...

So we got, uh -- we got singer, we got band, we got the devil.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Oh, this sounds so fucking epic already.

She's just a small town girl.

She's living in a crazy world.

She's always wanted to do more.

She'd do anything to sing on national TV!

Maybe like "A Star is Born," but Satan!

[Overlapping agreements, chuckling]

And she's got, like, a good song.

It's a really good song, though.

It's a big show. It's a big show.

It's a big show, and millions of people watch it.

She's gonna be on "American Idol!"

Yas, queen! Yaaas!

Yeah. Stakes! [Grunts]

Stakes! Stakes! Give me all the stakes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[As whiny teen] I would sell my soul to be on "American Idol."

[Normal voice] Or another show that doesn't give us copyright issues.

Anyway, so for our purposes

in our little story, we're gonna call it.

The Big Talent Show Live!

[Silly voice] The Big Talent Show Live.

The Big Talent Show...[Hits coffee table]

The Big Talent Show Live.

All: The Big Talent Show Live.

[All breathing heavily]

Leading up to the performance, our lead singer, mm, Beth.

Let's call her Beth. Beth starts to have...

a little bit of a reaction... [grunting]

to her possession![Thuds into table]

Her voice...[squeaky] starts to...[wheezes] get hoarse

and all over the place... [distorted] and her skin

starts to peel, and her band's like,

"Hey, um, Beth, are you okaaay?"

Yeah, you don't look so good.[Chuckles]

[Distorted] I'm fine. I'm fine!

We're gonna kill it tonight. [Normal voice] Which is really

funny, you know, 'cause the song is so sweet, right?

It's like ♪ feel music, feel the light ♪

and Beth's just... [Distorted grunting]

[Distorted] We're go, guys. [Grunting]

BRB!

Yo, can I talk to you for a second?Yeah, dude.

I am worried about Beth.I'm worried about Beth, too,

just the same, but maybe more.This is our one shot.

Yeah, one shot is all it takes. It's all I have.

We're gonna be on national television.Everybody I know is here

and everybody I don't know.

She's gonna be on the Big Talent Show Live.

[Upbeat music plays]

[White noise rumbling]

[Distant cheering]

[Raspy] Something doesn't feel right.

Fred: [Distorted deep voice] Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Feeling a little...

under the weather?

I -- I sold you my soul

for this.

Please...

[Laughing]

Carlo: [Distantly] Five minutes to this program.

Welcome to the nationally televised event.

Millions of people are watching.

I hope nothing bad happens.[Audience cheering]

Don't fuck this up for me, the devil.

Fred: [Distorted] Good luuuck.

[Laughs]

And now without further ado,

ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...

What are we calling her again?[Normal voice] Beth. We're calling her Beth.

That's right. Okay!

Please welcome Beeeth!

[Upbeat music plays][Audience cheering]

♪♪

[Cheering quiets]

[Microphone thuds, squeals]

[As Beth] This... is an original.

[Piano plays]

[Breathes deeply]

♪ Feel the music, feel the light ♪

♪ Hold me close and squeeze me tight ♪

♪ Whisper in my ear ♪

♪ I want to hear you say ♪

♪ I want to stay all night ♪

♪ Let this beat take you away ♪[Inaudible speaking]

♪ Let your mind and body sway ♪

♪ With mine in time ♪

♪ Until it's time to die ♪

[Drums play]

♪ Yeah, it's time to take them down ♪

♪ Lay their bodies in the ground ♪

♪ Let's shut 'em up, then cut 'em up ♪

♪ And feed them to the worms ♪

♪ Kill the children and their mothers ♪

♪ Kill your sisters and your brothers ♪

♪ And then let's kill ourselves ♪

♪ That's the good word ♪

♪ Of the King of Hell ♪

[Deep voice chanting "Hell"]

[Disco music playing][Indistinct singing]

♪ Ooh ♪

[Indistinct singing]

♪ Get ready ♪

♪ Yeah ♪[Indistinct singing]

♪ Get ready ♪[Indistinct singing]

♪ Kill all the fucking children, yeah ♪

[Indistinct singing]

♪ Come on ♪

[Gun clocks, fires][Indistinct singing]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[Vomiting][Vomit splattering]

[Audience screaming]

[Vomiting and screaming continue]

[Quietly] And then...

[louder] a moment of respite.

[Audience gasping]Man: Oh, my God.

[Indistinct chatter]

Fanny: The audience just stares at her

slack-jawed in shock and awe.

Everybody's covered in vomit.

Even Beth's shitty boyfriend is just covered

in disgusting, vile, sour devil vomit.

[Distorted] But then the devil speaks to hear.

I hope you're having fun, but now the real show begins.

[Both shouting]

Then the devil rips through her chest with his devil arm.

It's fucking sick like "Alien,"

but it's a Satan arm, and it starts thrashing, man.

It's thrashing so fucking hard.

It's sick.[Everyone screaming]

I was kind of thinking that he gives, like,

a really important monologue to the nation

all about how, like, our culture's toxic and, you know,

we take advantage of young talent.

Or. Or, or, or, he could send his evil

through TVs across America and possess the country.

That's been done before.They did that in "Batman Forever."

Mmm, yeah, but that wasn't the devil, though.

[Clock ticking]Oh, crap.

I gotta go. Damn it.

Nooo!

I know. Carlooo!

Ah. Pizza Man of the Year, Carlo!

I-I-I don't want to leave, Fanny,

but I have this Hawaiian I should've had

in Wamba Jukes Falls like two hours ago.

They're gonna be pissed.

Anyway, guys have a great night.

-Jim Carey's Riddler. -We miss you, Scarecrow.

Ahh... It's the same.

Wasn't the devil.Yeah, but it was the same concept, same idea.

-'Kay. -[Sighs]

You know, it's like --

It's like one of those nights, you know,

where you leave to deliver a pizza to a couple of strangers

who end up being your friends and tell ghost stories

and do blow.

One's your favorite author,

and the other one is a Fred.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Fanny. Nope, not going to do that.

Yes, I am going to do that right now.

Can I have your autograph, please?

Face or paper?

Okay, uh, if you could just write, like,

"Hey, Carlo, my best friend! We did coke together

and ate pizza, told ghost stories."

[Chuckles] Or whatever. I'm not a writer.

Don't put yourself down. It's exactly what I wrote.

Thanks, Fanny.

Aww.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, it was fun.

Bye, Fred!

[Sighs]

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm gonna fill the bucket.

Must take a much-needed cocaine defecache.[Car recedes]

You know, plumbing's all fucked 'cause of the storm.

[Pail squeaking]

[Ominous music plays]

♪♪

[Toilet flushes]

[Door opens]

[Door creaking]

Don't go in there, huh?

[Sighs] Alright, I'm tired.

I'm gonna head out.

Aw...

Why the long face? 'Cause it's over?

I just -- I feel like I had fun

for the first time in like a really long time.

So. Aw...

I just...[inhales deeply] I needed that.

[Voice breaking] That's all. So sweet.

Well, let's do coffee tomorrow before you go wherever,

you know, you're gonna go.[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Hey, wait.

I got one more.

Story? Oh, God.

Oh, God. It's 4:00 in the morning,

I smell like cheese and campfire,

and you are definitely...not drunk.

Mnh-mnh.

Okay. Gimme the log line.

[Clears throat]

It's a psychological thriller.

Always engaging. [Chuckles]

About...a killer...

We haven't done one about, like, a straight-up...

[imitates slashing] slasher yet.

...and the woman who got under his skin.

Ohh... It's very Lifetime movie.

[Inhales deeply]

Yes, okay. Hit me.

Okay. Little setup for you.

So she...

She's this, like, hard-worker type.

She could do no wrong,

no matter how much she fucked up.

She's one of those lucky freaks

that just has it easy, you know?

She does what she wants, and it p--

it pisses -- pisses him off.

Yeah, so it's sort of like classic story

of emasculated boy by a strong female.

Ooh, what's the title? Is it, uh...

Is it "My Life: Story of Women Everywhere?"

[Both chuckle]

Yeah.

The guy, he's not doing so hot.

You know, his personal life is not so great.

He -- He tries. He's li--

He's the -- the type -- type of guy

who, like, really tries,

but he just doesn't have the... Talent?

I mean, you try writing for a bunch

of chicken wing chains and paint shops

and you just want to fucking kill everybody,

but you can't 'cause it's illegal.

That's part of the story?

Obvs.

By a total chance, he meets this a-woman.

Mmm.This powerful amazing woman who's had it easy.

He meets this woman who's a-a powerful woman.

She's a powerfulwoman, and they actually hit it off.

And he meets her and she meets him,

and he's actually like, "Wow, this girl

makes me feel really... good!

Having so much fun, he, like, legitimately forgets

that he's...

bad.

He forgets...

He forgets he's got a fucked-up life.

He forgets he cheated on his wife.

He forgets he lost his temper one or two or three many times.

He forgets about all the mean letters that he wrote her.

Yeah, Fred. You're losing me here.

I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it.

You're a better storyteller than me.

You're better! You're better than me!

I get it!

You're better than me!

So I'm just gonna skip to the good part.

I'll get to the end. I'll get to the end.

They decide to stay up all night

and tell each other scary stories.

It was her crazy idea, and he was super into it

because he fucking loves scary stories.

And it's fun, and as the night goes on,

the fun just starts to kind of...die.

You know?

That initial feeling of being included,

it just sorta starts to fall away,

and he starts to kind of feel like a windup monkey,

there to just make this chick feel better about herself.

Where at first he was really inspired by her,

by the end of the night, he couldn't help but feel...

used.

[Sighs]

Fred.

What are you doing with that poker?

Huh.

This guy's just, like -- who's struggling.

You know, he's honestly struggling.

He's spending every ounce of his savings,

just trying to take one shot at his...dream.

And she just gets to live hers.

Okay, I get it. You read my notebook.

[Scoffs]

Your -- Your notebook? This notebook?

Look, it's private shit, okay. And I get that you're trying

to scare me with this poker bullshit,

but it's not working, okay. It's just pissing me off.

[Sighs] This is the part in the story where...

the creepy strings kick in.

[Chuckles]

Can you hear 'em?

[Imitates string instruments]

No, Fred, I can't hear 'em because we're done.

We're done telling stories. Alright?

Now give me my fucking notebook back.

10 pages of which are all about...

wannabe-writer Fred.

Fragile Fred. Fragile Freddy.

When did you write all this shit?

When you were sitting across from me eating pizza

with your next best friend?Well, I don't know, Fred.

If I knew dairy would turn you into a fucking psychopath,

I wouldn't have ordered a pizza.

I paid for it, didn't I?

[Scoffs]

You've been taking notes all night, Fanny.

Why? Why?

Because I'm a writer, dude.

Because we make observations about the world around us

and make note of it. That's what writers do.

I'm doing the fucking work. What are you doing?

You rented this cabin to do what?

Pretend to do your werewolf epic?

Come on, dude. You want my life.

Fucking just do the work. Do the work.

Do the work.Yeah, do the work.

Steal from a nobody.

Oh, spare me.

You think people haven't stolen my ideas?

I'm a horror writer, and I'm a lady.

Everybody fucking steals from me.

You know how I deal with it?

I do it better than them.

Just when you think you can let your guard down,

some conceited little girl

decides she can use you for inspiration.

[Sighs]

Little girl. [Scoffs]

You know, I think I finally figured you out.

You're not some sad, emasculated failure.

No, that's too interesting. You...

You are just a man

who thinks he's good.

But he knows that he'll never be great.

[Hushed] This is insane.

This is an insane conversation.

[Chuckles]

It's insane you're taking things so fucking personally,

and it's really fucking insane

that you're holding that poker and trying to scare me

'cause you're not fucking scaring me, okay, dude?!

So give me my fucking notebook

or I will fucking kill you!

Okay.

[Quietly] Okay.

Here you go.

Sorry.

Wait.

Why make it that easy.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

How about...I chase you.

We can pretend we're in one of our stories.

I can't find you,

mm, give you your notebook back.

But if I dofind you...

Come on, Fred. Just, um...

[Sighs] Would you please give me my notebook back.

Please?

[Quietly] Okay, yeah.

Sorry.

Psych!

[Chuckles]

[Imitates plane engine]

[Laughs]

Oh, come on, Fanny. Why the long face?

All night you wanted me to scare you and now you're...

I'm not gonna hurt you.[Scoffs]

[Birds twittering]

Run! Run! Run!

Fanny, wa-- [Grunting]

[Groaning]

[Straining] Man down.

[Loud footfalls, wood creaking]

Fanny...

[Stomps]

[Quietly] Thump, thump, thump.

Thump.

[Louder] Thump.

Thump, thump.

[Chuckles]

Creepy footsteps, right?

Right?

Fanny?

[Shoes creaking]

[Footsteps continue]

[Sighs]

[Shoes creaking]

This might be the creepiest story yet.

And I thought of it.

[Wind whistling]

Okay.

I guess you win.

[Chuckles]

[Footsteps receding]

[Stairs creaking]

[Gasps]

Hey.

[Ominous music plays]

Fanny! Fanny!

[Both shouting][Bodies falling]

W-- [Groans]

[Breathing shakily][Groaning]

[Groaning continues][Breathing shakily]

[Coughs]

[Panting]

[Breathing heavily]

[Quietly] Fuck, Fred...

[Weak groaning]

[Breathes heavily]

[Scoffs] Look what you did.

[Crying] Fuck, Fred. You fragile fuck.

You fucking psychopath.

I was only kidding.

[Indistinct]

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Fanny. I...

[Exhales sharply] Can you do me a favor?

What? [Sniffles]

I want you to finish me off.

Yeah.

Please.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, that's good. That's a log.

That's good.

Oh, that's good idea.

[Groaning]

Cue the creepy strings, right?

Yeah.

Creepy strings.

It adds comforting.

[Crying chuckles]

[Crying]

[Imitates strings playing]

[Both holding note]

[Stops]

[Continues]

[Door opens]Hey.

[Door closes]

Haha, you win.

♪♪

[Hushed] You win.

[Strained] The end.

[Birds calling][Clock ticking]

[Calling and ticking continue]

[Muffled] Mr. Banks?

[Ticking continues]

Mr. Banks?

It's Bettina, your driver.

[Singsong voice] Mr. Banks.

M-Mr. Banks?

Well, someone had a good time in here.

[Garbled] Mr. Banks?

I took some pizza.

Huh.

♪♪

♪ I wonder why nobody don't like me ♪

♪ Or is it the fact that I'm ugly? ♪

♪ I wonder why nobody don't like me ♪

♪ Or is it the fact that I'm ugly? ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪♪

[Passing car]

♪♪

♪ I couldn't even digest me supper ♪

♪ Due to the children's behavior ♪

♪ John [Yes, pa] ♪

♪ Come here a moment ♪

♪ Bring de belt, you're much too impudent ♪

♪ John says it's James who started first ♪

♪ James tells the story in reverse ♪

♪ I drag my belt from off me waist ♪

♪ You should hear them screamin' 'round de place ♪

♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo," they shout ♪

♪ Their mother tell them "Shut up your mout'! ♪

♪ That is your daddy" Oh, no ♪

♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪

♪♪

♪ I got carried away.[Audience laughs] ♪

♪ So I began to question the mother ♪

♪ These children ain't got no behavior ♪

♪ So I began to question the mother ♪

♪ These children ain't got no behavior ♪

♪ They're playing with you, my wife declared ♪

♪ You should be proud of them, my dear ♪

♪ Them children were taught too bloomin' slack ♪

♪ That ain't no kinda joke to crack ♪

♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo," they shout ♪

♪ Their mother tell them, "Shut up your mout' ♪

♪ That is your daddy" Oh, no ♪

♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪

♪ [Laughing] Shut your mout', go away ♪

♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪

♪ Shut your mout'! ♪