Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Whoa, Wilbur.

Whoa? I'm supposed to say whoa.

Why are we stopping?

I'm looking around for my girlfriend Princess.

Princess, huh?

Yeah. That pretty little filly with the ponytail.

Oh, so that's it.

The only reason you came out here

is to flirt with the fillies, huh?

A horse does not live by hay alone.

You may be a horse, but I think you're part wolf.

Hey, Wilbur, here she comes.

Ho ho ho ho, isn't my Princess gorgeous?

Yeah. All 970 pounds of her.

Hello, Wilbur.

Hi, Fred. Great day for riding, huh?

Yeah, if you don't get hit by a golf ball.

I wish they hadn't built a golf course

so close to the bridle path.

- Yes. - [horses neighing]

Look, why don't we go over and have a hot dog, huh?

Good idea.

Just tie your horse up over there.

Good luck, Ed.

I said let's go, Fred.

Right over here.

[horses neighing]

- [kissing sounds] - [whinnying]

Ed, I really didn't want a hot dog,

but I thought I'd give you a chance

to make a little time with Princess.

Believe me, buddy-boy, if you were a horse,

I'd do the same for you.

[cracking ball]

Ugh! Ugh!

Right in la banja.

These golfers!

[cracking ball]

Now, where were we, honey? Oh, yes, I remember.

[neighing]

This horse talk is so limited.

A hole in one! I've made a hole in one!

What are you talking about a hole in one?

I saw your ball hook over that fence.

That doesn't matter.

This is my ball, and it was in the hole.

Addison, you've lost the match.

You owe me $20.

This is ridiculous.

I saw your ball go-- a hole in--

I know what happened.

One of those darned horseback riders

thought they were smart again and threw that ball over here.

Pay me the $20.

I'm gonna get rid of that bridle path

if it's the last thing I ever do.

"And therefore,

"as one of the citizens of this community

"who wishes to see the park facilities

"used to best advantage,

"I urge that the seldom-used bridle path be eliminated.

"This would enable us to enlarge the golf course

"and this, in turn, would attract

"the type of people we want in this community.

Sincerely, Roger Addison."

Roger knows that Wilbur uses that bridle path.

How could he be so vindictive?

You should have seen him yesterday

when he came home after losing the $20.

Honey, is breakfast ready?

Uh-oh. I don't want to be here when Wilbur reads this paper.

He's not going to see it.

I wonder what's in that paper.

Honey!

Yes, dear?

I can't find the morning paper.

Have you seen it?

I'll fix your eggs, darling.

Carol, why were you running?

You like four-minute eggs.

So?

So I thought if I put them in earlier,

they'd only take three minutes.

That didn't make sense, did it?

No.

But anybody who looks as beautiful as you

in the morning, who cares, huh?

Aww.

Sweetie, where is the morning paper?

Maybe it didn't come.

I can't eat my breakfast without reading a paper.

I'll go out and buy one.

Honey, you'll get the paper tomorrow.

Well, the only difference between tomorrow's newspaper

and today's newspaper is the news.

Sweetheart, have you been wearing your curlers too tight?

I'll be right back.

"Sincerely, Roger Addison."

So Roger wants to get rid of the bridle path?

Wilbur better know about this.

Carol, every time I go to get up,

you push me down. Why?

I'm timing your eggs that way.

[phone ringing]

Honey, that is the phone.

Oh, well, let me help you up, dear.

[rings]

[ring]

What a sweet wife I've got.

Sometimes I wish I understood her.

Hello.

Hi, this is Ed. Hold onto your hat.

I want to read you something

that Addison put in today's paper.

"Dear Mr. Editor.

I've resided in this community for 21 years, and--"

That Addison can't think of anything but golf.

Addison?

Yes?

Addison, writing a letter like that

when Wilbur is our next door neighbor

and Carol is my dearest friend.

What have you got against bridle paths anyway?

Are you referring to the bridal path

we walked down together?

Oh, you sweet doll.

But you know I'm talking about horses.

What have you got against them?

Same thing I have against you at the moment, my dear.

You're interrupting my golf game.

Addison, you never should have written that letter.

Pardon me, madam. I'm playing through.

Roger, I think you're a heel to do what you did.

Agreed. Pardon me, sir, I'm playing through.

Do you realize what you've did-- you've done?

Only a person like you would have did--

done such a thing.

The only reason he done it--

did it is because he lost $20 at golf yesterday.

My dear, it is not the $20.

Then what is it?

Uh...

That's a pretty difficult question to answer, isn't it?

It certainly is.

Roger, if it's only $20, I will give it to you.

Will you please write a letter of retraction?

That's a difficult question to answer, too.

$20?

No, nope, I am doing this for progress.

The bridle path is outmoded,

and we need a larger golf course.

I want the people to think of me as a good citizen.

For a while, they thought the same thing of Benedict Arnold.

Wilbur, you shouldn't have said that.

I'm sorry.

I would have said it.

Well, now, if you two

have finished this scathing and illiterate denunciation,

I have one final thing to add.

[both] What?

Move aside. You're in my line.

You and your four-syllable words.

Well, I can write a fancy letter to the paper too.

And when they publish it,

it'll undid everything you've do--, do--

Well, you just read my letter!

Wait till the editor reads this letter.

Wilbur, if that bridle path goes,

my love life goes with it.

Dear sir.

Fine so far.

"This is a rebuttal to Mr. Roger Addison's attempt

"to deprive the people of our community

their bridle path."

Good, good, good.

"It's true that very few people use the bridle path.

"and I'll readily concede that even most of those

are not from our community--"

Uh-oh.

"--but it wouldn't matter

"if there were only one horse owner.

"He has rights, too.

"And no matter how much it costs

"to keep up the bridle path,

that one single citizen must still be considered."

Wilbur, you just lost the bridle path,

and I lost Princess.

Ed, let's not get into an argument.

This letter makes sense.

As Thomas Jefferson once said, the right of one individual

is as important as an entire community.

And General Custer said,

I think we just lost our scalps.

Wilbur, Wilbur, I've been thinking it over

and I've decided that no one is so important

they cannot apologize.

Oh?

So I'm ready to accept yours.

What?

Why don't we forget the whole thing

and play a round of golf?

Sorry, Rog, I've got to mail this letter.

Can't you see you're wrong about the bridle path?

Horses should not be pushed around.

That's right.

They should be pullin6%g wagons.

Did you ever pull a wagon?

- Did he? - [snort]

Look, when this letter reaches the editor,

the people will be on my side.

I gotta get that letter.

What it needs is some horse sense.

My literary efforts against your literary efforts.

And may the best man win.

May the better man win.

[typewriter keys clacking]

And in conclusion, as we enter the space age,

can we not set aside a few feet on earth

for man's noble friend the horse?

With deepest conviction, Wilbur Post.

Good morning, ladies.

Oh!

What's the matter? What happened?

Oh, Wilbur, they published your letter in the paper.

They did?

Wilbur, you've moved me to tears.

I must write letters more often.

Oh, such beautiful language.

On a bridle path, horse and master are alone,

man and the beast together as nature intended it.

Isn't that beautiful?

Yeah, now read my letter, hmm?

This is your letter. Your name is on it.

It is?

Eh, eh, "...in the bridle path.

"And in conclusion, as we enter the space age,

"can we not set aside a few feet on earth

"for man's noble friend the horse?

With deepest conviction, Wilbur Post."

Wilbur, you sound as though

you're reading that for the first time.

"A few feet on earth

for man's noble friend the horse."

Gee, Ed's clever.

[both] Ed?

Yeah, Ed, is short for editor,

you see, the editor is clever.

I mean, he wrote this and didn't change a word.

Wilbur.

Roger, if you're gonna hit me,

please use a wood, not an iron.

That letter in the paper.

I read it, and you are so right.

I didn't realize how unjust it was,

how palpably unfair.

Rog, it takes a big man to admit he's wrong.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm so proud of you.

Now nobody would even think of removing that bridle path.

Even I feel differently about horses now.

Oh, I'm so proud of my big doll.

Honey. Why don't you go to the barn

and give Mister Ed his breakfast?

Well, yes, the poor thing must be starving.

Yeah, I think he deserves special attention

after his letter.

Uh, well, you see, I consider it part his.

If I hadn't been so close to him,

I never could have written it.

A horse has so little out of life.

A few blades of grass, some oats--

oh, dear, I do have talent.

I've got to admit, your letter is better than mine.

I'm glad you're not angry.

I am angry, angry I can't write as well as you.

Don't feel badly.

You're probably a better architect than me.

- Oh, thanks, Ed. - [phone ringing]

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

Oh, let me.

Stay where you are.

[Ed grumbles]

Hello.

Mister Post?

I read your letter this morning in the Valley News,

it's masterfully written.

Well, thank you. I did the best I could.

How would you like to write a book on animals

for one of our spring publications?

Me?

Oh, no, I couldn't write a book.

Mr. Post, your letter made me cry.

Well, I guess my letter made a lot of people cry.

Ahem.

His letter. My letter.

Mr. Boyd, what I'm trying to say is

I'm an architect, not a writer.

I am prepared to offer you $2,500 advance.

$2,500?

Well say, that is a lot of money, isn't it?

But, I'm sorry, I told you,

I'm an architect, not a writer.

I recognize talent.

Now just take the same brain that wrote that letter

and apply it to writing a book.

Well, yes, I guess I could carry on with my architecture

while my brain was writing a book.

Mr. Boyd, you've got yourself an author.

Fine.

And as customary, we'll have a cocktail party

to introduce you to the literary world.

A cocktail party, eh? Yes, that's quite an honor.

Well, yes, thank you, thank you very much, Mr. Boyd.

Good-bye.

Ed, we are rich.

Ed, how long would it take you to write a book?

Come again?

You're gonna write a book just like you wrote the letter,

then we'll be able to--

Whoa, whoa, boy.

I wrote that letter to make sure

I'd have a place to meet Princess.

Now wait a minute, Ed, you got me into this.

If it hadn't been for you,

none of this would have happened.

Now, you're gonna write that book,

or I don't take you to the bridle path to see Princess.

Do you really mean that?

I really mean that.

Wilbur, put a new ribbon in the typewriter.

A literary party in my honor.

I wonder what famous authors wear.

Horseshoes.

Watch it.

Looks like my brain has gone to his head.

[crickets chirping]

- A drink? - Yes.

If you'd like some hors d'oeuvres,

just help yourself.

Is everything all right?

Yes.

Good. Enjoy yourself.

Well, it's certainly taking Wilbur a long time to get dressed.

Oh, he's so excited.

He's as nervous as a little boy.

Perhaps I better go upstairs

and help him on with his sneakers.

I'm sure he'll be right down.

I've heard a great deal about--

Good evening, everybody.

Ah--

I just want to set the world on fire, not my coat.

Oh, he is witty.

Wilbur, this is Miss Mead,

literary critic for the Author's Review.

How do you do, Miss Mead?

How do you do, Mr. Post?

I read your letter in the newspaper,

and I must say, you're simply absolument merveilleux.

Touché.

Mr. Post, I hope you don't mind the photographers,

but the newspapers are all clamoring for a picture of you.

Oh, my typewriter and I thank you.

Oh, he is brilliant, you know?

Absolument merveilleux.

Right over here.

All right, Charlie?

All set?

Thank you.

I want you to meet a very important critic,

right over here.

Miss Williams, may I present

our distinguished author, Mr. Post.

- How do you do? - No, no, no.

Mr. Post, how does it feel to be writing your first book?

Well, at first, I felt a bit uncertain,

but then, so did Mark Twain.

[laughter]

Touché.

Carol, do you think Wilbur's becoming a little conceited?

No. He's just sort of nervous.

If he gets any more nervous, he's going to kiss himself.

Mrs. Post, I think your husband

is a marvelous talent,

and when his book is a success,

I believe it's going to change his entire way of life.

Oh, I don't think so.

We may travel a little bit,

perhaps move to a better neighborhood.

I see nothing wrong with this neighborhood.

Well, neither would I

if I were living next door to a famous author.

Oh, Rog, I didn't mean--

Mrs. Post, do you mind very much, I want--

I want your husband to meet someone

from the foreign press, please?

Thank you.

May I introduce you to Miss Barr.

How do you do, Mr. Post?

Tell me, does writing come easily to you?

Well, very easy, yes, yes.

Subconsciously, I'm creating all the time.

You might say right now, my mind is at work.

"Dedicated to Princess,

"without whose love and understanding,

this book would never have been possible."

How excruciatingly funny, Mr. Post.

Très naturelle.

[laughter]

Does he have a snuff box, too?

Wilbur doesn't even know I'm here.

If Miss Mead sits any closer,

she'll be on both sides of him.

You know, Carol, if I were you,

I'd break that up.

I'd love to, but how?

Here, take this napkin and put it under his drink.

At least he'll see you.

All right.

Excuse me.

Autograph? Certainly, young lady.

Sincerely, Wilbur Post. There we are.

Actually, my style is more reminiscent of F. Scott Fitzgerald.

So whatever my book will teach you about horses

is coming to you directly from the horse's mouth.

No, no, that's pretty corny.

I can do better than that.

Well, since I'm only starting,

I don't expect to win the Pulitzer Prize

for at least four or five years.

No, she won, she won.

You're next.

Excuse me.

I'm going home and be sick. Good night.

Wilbur, one of your guests is leaving.

Oh? Oh, it's just Rog.

I know another one of his guests who is leaving.

Who?

Me!

Oh-- [weeping]

Oh, Kay, that's not the Wilbur Post I married.

Why, he's spoiled and conceited.

If he keeps on acting like this, it'll wreck our marriage.

Oh, please don't cry.

I just can't bear to see you like this, Carol.

Come on over to my house and we'll have a cup of coffee.

Oh!

You'll feel better. Come on.

What would I do without you?

I think I'll have to change my first chapter.

Good morning, Edward.

That was quite a party last night, wasn't it?

The nice thing was that everybody had a chance to meet me.

By the way, when my book comes out,

I'll autograph a copy to you.

[yawning loudly]

Thanks a bunch. Say, Wilbur.

Yes, Edward?

I finished the first chapter.

You better read it.

Good! My first chapter.

Uh-huh--

"If horses could talk and man would listen,

"the world would be one large happy stable.

One of our cherished blessings is humility."

I like that, Ed.

Continue.

"A horse would never let success go to his mane."

That's wonderful.

[Ed] Continue.

"There is nothing worse than a self-centered horse

"who ignores the love of his wife and neighbors,

"even if said neighbor is not too likeable

and has a moustache." That's Roger, huh?

"Fame, when abused,

"can turn a sweet loveable architect

into an overbearing,

"self-centered, conceited fool,

and ruin a happy marriage."

[sniffling, crying]

Ed, I think I got the message.

Thanks.

Oh, cheer up, Carol, and try to have some breakfast.

I'm not even hungry.

That Wilbur!

If he were smaller, I'd punch him right in the nose.

Good morning, everybody.

Aren't you glad that awful party's all over

and we don't have to be nice

to those pretentious phonies anymore?

How did you like my act, huh?

You know, they all thought I was taking myself seriously,

when all the time I was just--

just--

just a big darn fool.

I hope you'll all forgive me.

Welcome home, neighbor.

Nice to have you back, Wilbur.

Oh, Wilbur.

There we are.

Let's see how this sounds, Ed.

[clearing throat]

"Dear Mr. Boyd,

"Enclosed please find your check for $2,500.

"I am unable at this time to write a book.

"My architectural work keeps me too busy.

Yours truly."

What are you doing?

You'd better let me write that letter for you.

- Well, why? - It needs style.

I want him to think my Wilbur's a genius.

Oh, Ed, you know, if you'd been my roommate at college,

I would have made Phi Beta Kappa.

Me in college. Well--

[Ed humming college song]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.