Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Good morning, Ed.

Good morning, Wilbur.

Up pretty early, aren't you?

Well, I've got a new client coming in to see me.

A Mr. Hodges wants to discuss some plans.

Good.

The more you work, the more I eat.

Yeah. Ah, where'd you get the apples?

Uh...I've got a friend.

Well, I didn't give them to you.

It must have been Carol, huh?

Uh--

I'm glad you two are getting along better.

Well, we're both blondes, you know.

Have an apple, buddy boy.

Well, thanks, Ed.

That's, that's very generous of you.

Easy come, easy go.

Yeah, that's true. Ooh, very refreshing.

If you want an apple, we've got a whole basketful.

That was a whole tree full.

These apples came from my tree.

Roger Addison, are you accusing my wife

of stealing your apples?

Not your wife, Wilbur Post, but I'll give you a hint.

If the thief doesn't stop,

I'm going to break all the pencils on his desk.

Now, why would I take your apples?

To feed that four-footed glutton.

Look! He's eating one now!

Oh!

Now look, Roger--

So, uh, Carol gave you the apples, huh?

Now, you said that, not me.

Roger thinks I took the apples,

and you know you did.

I wouldn't blame you

if you never spoke to that man again.

All right, Ed, let's have the truth.

Well, uh, uh, eh--

Well?

Don't rush me.

It isn't easy to make up the truth.

[Carol] Wilbur!

Uh-oh. Roger must have told her.

Now, I'm going to get chewed out

for something you chewed up.

Well, crime doesn't pay, but it sure is delicious.

I'm Bill Hodges.

Oh, hello, Mr. Hodges. I've been expecting you.

Won't you come into my office?

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Post, I heard about your setup here

with your office and a stall for the horse.

I'd, uh, I'd like you to design something similar for me.

Oh, do you own a horse?

No, no, an elephant.

Elephant? [laughing]

That's quite an unusual pet.

Oh, Margie isn't a pet. She's my partner.

We're in show business, and I want to build her

the most beautiful barn in the world.

Well, you must be very fond of her.

Well, you own a horse, Mr. Post.

You must know the feeling you have

when an animal is faithful, dependable, and trustworthy.

Some animals are like that, yes.

Well, Margie deserves the best.

She's the whole act.

I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without her

in show zvbusiness.

I can actually say it's her money.

[laughing]

Well, must be wonderful to have an animal

that does something besides eat.

I wonder if you could draw me up a few sketches.

Yes, I'll make some notes here.

Now, I have a few ideas of my own.

For instance, elephant-- well, let me show you.

Now, elephants like to hose themselves,

and I think she should have a little wading pool.

Wading pool.

And then, on one wall, over here, a large mirror,

so she can watch herself when she rehearses her dance.

[Wilbur] Dance?

Yes, Margie does the twist in her act.

If you'd like to see us,

we're going to be on television tonight.

Oh, we'll be sure to watch.

And, look, I'll have the first sketches

for you to look at in a couple of days.

Well, thank you, Mr. Post.

Oh, uh, we travel a great deal.

In case you have trouble finding me,

you can always get in touch with me through my agent.

Here, Sam Barker.

Now, please, don't try to cut corners on expenses.

Margie can afford it.

All right, Mr. Hodges, thank you.

Thank you and goodbye, Mr. Post.

Goodbye.

Boy, wading pool, mirror.

Me? Nothing.

Nothing but the same old GI stall.

Ed, if you want any changes made,

you'll have to make them yourself.

I'm tired of waiting on you, hand and hoof.

Uh, I'll bet Mr. Hodges

doesn't talk to his Margie that way.

She makes a living for him.

May I ask what do you do for me?

You may.

All right. What do you do for me?

I talk to you. Let Margie top that.

I raised that apple tree from a pup.

Oh, Addison, Wilbur wouldn't steal our apples.

It must be the horse.

The horse picked the apples off the tree,

put them in a +wicker basket, and carried them into the barn?

Like I said, Wilbur Post is a cotton-picking,

apple-stealing architect.

[knock on door]

May I come in?

Hello, Carol. Please come in.

We were just talking about your charming husband,

what a nice fellow he is.

And what a pleasant neighbor.

And he steals apples.

I'm with her.

Oh, Roger, I can't tell you how embarrassed I am.

For once, I'm going to be firm.

I am not going to forgive Wilbur so easily this time.

[knock on door]

Hello, friends, neighbors, and wife.

How about coming to my place

and watching a little television?

Kay.

There's a great show on tonight--

Margie the elephant. I'm, uh, I'm going to--

Do you plan on doing anything tonight?

Not particularly.

...and stall for her trainer.

- What did you have in mind? - How about a movie?

- I'm not in the mood. - ...would look in--

Oh, I'd rather stay home. I had a very upsetting day.

And, Carol, you're my wife.

Well, I'm gonna watch an elephant on TV.

By myself.

Well, I think I'll go watch it with him.

Carol!

I'll watch it with you.

Buddy-boy, you may lose your wife,

but you've always got me.

That's what I'm afraid of.

All right, now, Ed, please be quiet, huh?

- Ladies and gentlemen, - All right.

you will now see with your own eyes

why Margie is known as the world's most intelligent animal.

He should live so long.

Now, Margie, tell the ladies and gentlemen

how old you are.

1...2...

- 3...4. - [applause]

Why, she's 60 if she's a day.

Yeah, well, you make as much money as she does,

- then you can talk. - Now, ladies and gentlemen,

Margie would like to show you that she's a real swinger.

Maestro, some twist music, if you please.

♪ [rock 'n' roll]

Come, girl. That's a girl!

No wonder she can afford her own wading pool.

If I couldn't do a better act than that,

I'd turn in my tail.

Ed, would you?

Would I what?

Go into show business. You could make a fortune.

Imagine, a talking horse.

Now, you know I wouldn't talk in front of anyone but you.

Well, then, you wouldn't even have to talk.

Just obey commands.

Oh.

I'm going to call Mr. Hodges' agent.

With the money you make,

you'll have all the apples you want.

Yeah?

Yeah, a bigger barn than Margie's.

Oh, yeah?

Your own wading pool.

Ho ho ho, dial faster, Wilbur.

Dial faster.

I've finished dialing. Shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

Uh, hello. Is this Mr. Barker, the theatrical agent?

Oh, well, could you tell me

where he'll be tomorrow morning?

Thank you very much.

Ha ha!

Ed, you are going to be rich.

Oh, boy, big round apples, little fillies,

or, uh, am I better off the other way around?

Sam!

Well, well, well.

Say, Marge sure looks great. Keep her that way.

I've got a lot of engagements lined up for her.

Sam, will you stop talking like an agent?

Even your ten percent is in good condition.

Hello, Mr. Hodges.

Mr. Post.

Now, don't tell me you've finished those sketches already.

No, I came to see your agent, Mr. Barker.

His office told me he'd be here.

Oh, Sam, this is Mr. Post, the architect I told you about.

Hi.

Hello, Mr. Barker.

Mr. Barker, I-- I have a wonderful horse.

Mr. Post, I have all the animals I can handle.

Well, he isn't just an animal.

He's something special. He has a very high IQ.

Sam, he's a nice man. Now, give him a break.

All right.

Just what does this animal do, something special?

Well, he can obey any command you give him.

Tell him to do something.

Anything?

Anything.

Go over and bring back that bucket of water.

There was no water in the pail.

Thanks, Mister Ed.

A remarkable horse!

Isn't he?

Don't tell me he's got a driver's license.

You left your motor on.

Mr. Post, I've got to handle this horse.

He's worth a fortune.

Here, you little old gold mine, you.

[Wilbur] Once Ed gets on television,

he'll be the greatest animal act in the world.

Ah, now, don't tell me you're jealous of that horse.

Now, Marge, listen.

Come on, baby. Now, don't be temperamental.

I mean it, don't be temperamental.

No, never mind that.

Now, Marge, I'll give you some nice peanuts, huh?

Mr. Post, we're going to make a million dollars.

I'll draw up a contract right away.

You know, this horse does everything but talk.

Carol, we just won't feel right taking your apples.

Oh, please take them, Kay.

It's the only way I can clear my conscience.

Well, in that case, uh,

I hate to see a woman with a cluttered conscience.

Wait 'til you hear the news.

Come on, Rog. How long can you hold a grudge?

All right, if you don't want to talk to a millionaire--

Millionaire?

Millionaire?

Honey, I've got it right here

in black and white--

the passport to wealth and fame--

a contract bound to bring in a million dollars

inside of five years, maybe even less.

Well, how are you going to make all that money?

I am going into a new business.

Here, neighbor, have a few apples.

You know, Wilbur, I was just telling your wife,

you and I have been partners in practically everything.

Now, I might be willing to go in

for as much as, oh, 50 percent.

Now, uh, how much should I make the check out for?

I must be hearing things.

I don't know. What do you think is fair for half of Mister Ed?

Mister Ed?

Ed and I are going into show business.

[doorbell ringing]

Wilbur, pardon me for busting in like this,

but we're on our way.

I've got you and the horse booked on TV

a week from tonight for $1,000,

and that's only the beginning.

I'm starting to line things up all over the country.

We're gonna be rich, man, rich!

How do you do? I'm Wilbur's partner.

Ed.

Roger bought an interest in our act.

I've got his check right here.

Yeah, get over to the bank before it bounces.

That's not a nice way to talk about our neighbor.

I don't trust any man who wears a tail

in the middle of his face.

That's a mustache.

Please, you're talking to a star!

[laughing] Oh, you.

Oh, I've been waiting all week for this.

In five minutes, Wilbur and Mr. Ed will be on television.

Where's Roger?

Oh, probably soothing his nerves

in a safe deposit vault.

Champagne!

Nothing too good for our horse's debut.

I shall turn on the bank-- I mean the television.

Oh, we still have five minutes.

Don't be so nervous.

Oh, gee, that's right. If we're this nervous,

I wonder how my dearest friend feels.

Oh, don't worry about Wilbur.

I'm talking about my horse.

Doll.

I'll go get some glasses.

Did you tell the cameraman exactly what I want?

Don't worry, Ed.

Most of your shots will be close-ups.

Good, that's good.

And, Wilbur, work to my right profile.

That's my best side.

I know, Ed.

There. Do you mind?

Help yourself.

Oh, Wilbur, you'll be on in about five minutes.

You'd better check your makeup.

Okay. I've got so much of this pancake on me now,

I feel like a waffle. [chuckling]

Oh, Ed, you stay right there.

Oh, Sam, Sam.

Bill, what are you doing here with Margie?

Oh, ever since that horse out-performed her,

she's been heartbroken.

She just sulks. She won't eat.

She won't work. She won't do anything.

I'm terribly worried about her.

Well, I'm willing to help. What can I do?

Well, I thought if I brought her backstage,

and she heard her music, it might snap her out of it.

Sam, she's my bread and butter.

Well, Bill, I'm willing to try it.

We don't go on for five minutes.

Hey, Joe, play Margie's twist music.

♪ [rock 'n' roll]

There, there's your music.

Come on, dance.

You'll get this nice bag of peanuts, huh?

It's no use, Bill. The old girl's had it.

I'm afraid you're right.

Well, I'd, I'd better call my wife.

She's worried.

Have some peanuts, Margie.

You can use the vitamins.

Don't take it so hard, Marge. That's show biz.

Ah, come on. Be a real trooper.

After all, you were born in a trunk, or vice versa.

Please, please don't make me feel like a heel.

All right, I'll just stay here

'til you make up your mind to do it.

I don't know, darling. Margie won't do a thing.

I don't know. I've tried everything.

Oh, now, honey, don't cry.

This isn't the end of the world.

We've been on the bottom before.

[sobbing]

Well, I'll-- I'll get a job.

That's what I'll do.

Now, honey, will you stop crying?

That's my girl. Uh-huh.

All right, dear. I'll be home soon.

Goodbye, sweetheart. [blowing kiss]

That poor man.

[sniffing]

Let's go, boy! Showtime!

How do you feel?

Oh, well, I was a little nervous at first, you know.

How do you feel now?

Fine. I'm relaxed.

- Great, great. - [applause, music]

That's your cue! You're on!

You're on, boy! You're on!

Oh, thank you.

You're on.

I hope he won't be nervous.

He's only been on television once before.

- He'll be marvelous. - Girls, girls, quiet.

This is it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight, we're proud to present

the most amazing new animal act we've ever seen.

And here they are, Wilbur Post

and his remarkable horse, Mister Ed.

Thank you. Thank you very much,

but I'm sure you will applaud more

when you've seen Mister Ed perform.

In fact, this horse is so smart that if I--

[clearing throat]

In fact, this horse is so smart

that if he were a man,

he'd be a college professor and I would be out of a job.

Why doesn't he stop with those tired jokes

and give my horse a chance to perform?

He's ruining our act!

Mister Ed will take command directly from you,

ladies and gentlemen.

Anything you want him to do, just call it out.

Have him take the handkerchief out of your pocket

and wave it at me.

Ed, you heard that lady in the front row.

Take the handkerchief out of my pocket

and wave it at her.

Ed, please, the handkerchief.

Ed, I-- I'm waiting.

Just take, take, take, take it.

Take the handkerchief out and wave it.

Ed.

Take the handkerchief out of my pocket

and wave it at her.

Wave, wave like this.

Ed, look.

Wave it, Ed!

Wave it.

Like this, wave it!

Wave it, Ed!

Wave it, wave it!

I-- I guess Mister Ed is allergic to silk.

He's a nylon man.

Uh, can we have another command, please?

Have him tell us how old he is.

Ed, tell the lady how old you are.

Oh, uh, stamp it out.

Ed.

Tell them how old you are, Ed! Tell them!

Ed, you know you're 8 years old!

Tell them!

Ed, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5--

6, 7, 8.

[Wilbur] Ed, what are you doing to me?

You know you're 8!

You can take the champagne back, doll.

There's nothing to celebrate now.

Ed, please.

Poor Wilbur.

[Wilbur] I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

[whispering] It's a fiasco.

[Wilbur] He generally does it right away.

I can't understand it.

I cannot understand it.

Why, that horse hasn't done one trick yet.

[Wilbur] He's getting it. He's getting--

Please, if you love me, Ed, please.

1, 2, 3.

Oh, Ed, look, look what you're doing.

This is your big chance.

Ed, you know how old you are.

Come on, Ed. Look.

[thumping]

[applause]

Joe, Margie's music!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Margie,

the only elephant that can really twist.

Come on, girl.

♪ [rock 'n' roll]

[laughter, applause]

Look, what was going on out there?

I couldn't go through with it.

Why not?

I just had to give Margie back her confidence

and also save Mr. Hodges' bread and butter.

Oh, so that's what this was all about, huh?

Yeah. [laughing]

Ah, look. Isn't she cute doing the twist?

[laughter, applause]

I'm a bit of a twister myself.

Come on, Wilbur, join me.

No.

Well, let's waltz then.

Well, that's show biz.

Well, no matter what they say, Ed,

you'll always be a star to me.

Just wanted to show you I could do it.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.