Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

That's terrific, Ed. How do you do it?

Clean living.

I can't get a card in today.

Wonder what I'm doing wrong.

Missing the hat, mostly.

Come on, give me a hint.

Look, am I holding the card wrong?

Yes, you sure are.

Well, how should I hold it?

Like me, in your mouth.

In my mouth?

Yeah, but try to keep your lips dry.

I couldn't do any worse. Lips dry, huh?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

Hey!

The trick is to try to keep your lips dry.

With the price of wigs these days,

how can you afford to keep flipping yours?

Well, I mean, we were just--

I, I had to, uh-- What's new, Rog?

If we may return to the world of sanity

for just a moment, I'd like to ask a favor of you.

Well, sure, what is it?

You know our wives are involved

in this ridiculous community theatrical project?

What about it?

This year, it's going to be a variety show,

and the husbands are going to be asked to perform.

Now when Carol asks you, please say no.

Then Kay won't have any argument to use against me.

I don't know, Rog,

I find it very hard to say no to Carol.

Why? I say no to my wife all the time.

All right. Bring your wife over,

and I'll say no to her.

You're a real friend.

I don't know whose. Certainly not mine.

Oh relax, Rog.

I don't intend to be in that variety show

any more than you do.

You mean we're together in this?

Like two musketeers.

All for one?

And one for all.

Side by side?

Through thick and thin.

It sounds great, but I don't believe it.

No, Kay, I haven't asked Wilbur

to perform on the show.

He'd only turn me down.

I'm going to use the same system I used

to get him to propose to me.

Hmm?

Well, I kept avoiding the subject of marriage

and he had to marry me to find out what was on my mind.

Meanwhile, you work on Addison.

[Wilbur] Oh, Carol?

Oh! Oh, Myrtle, that's a wonderful idea.

Just the kind of act our show needs.

Oh, I'm sure the audience

will just love your husband's bird calls.

Bye.

What are you doing, hon?

Just lining up some talent for our show.

Oh, well, have to scratch my name off.

It's not on.

I'm too loaded with work to be--

It's not on?

Let's see, Jack Langdon, tap dancing.

Look, I'd love to help out, honey, but--

Paul and Ruth Henning, hand balancing act.

--I've just got too much work to do.

Sure, Wilbur, that's okay.

I hope you're not sore at me for not volunteering, huh?

Of course not, Wilbur, I know you can't do anything.

Well, I like that.

I can do a lot of things if I had the time.

Well, I wouldn't want to embarrass you.

George and Gladys Stamel, twin pianos.

I'm a little worried about that.

♪

Wilbur, will you please stop that racket!

I can't concentrate.

Sorry, dear.

Thought I'd get some practicing in, that's all.

Oh, honey, do you know Freddy Hutchins' number?

His wife just told me

that he developed the most wonderful magic act.

He developed? That is my routine!

I taught that fellow everything he knows.

I mean, the changing color handkerchiefs,

the disappearing birdcage, that's mine.

The pulling the cigarettes out of the ear.

Look, if anybody does that act, that's gonna be me.

All right, Wilbur,

I'll put you down for three minutes of magic.

Three-- Look, I take bows for longer than three minutes.

That act takes a half an hour.

Half an hour?

All right, I'll do 45 minutes,

but not a second more. I don't want to hog the--

Who'd you pick to emcee?

We haven't picked anyone yet.

Well, I'll take care of that, honey.

You know, I'll fill a little bit between the acts

while people are changing their costumes, you know.

Don't worry about a thing, sweetheart,

I'll put on a really big show.

Really big. Hmm-hmm!

[laughing]

No kidding?

And he's decided to emcee it.

Emcee it? He's already planning the road tour.

No, I didn't have to talk him into it.

He was like putty.

How are you making out with Roger?

Still cement. I'll have to hang up now.

Here comes Gravel Gertie.

Hello, my dear.

Good morning, doll.

Comfy?

Cozy.

Doll?

I will not appear in your show.

You know, there's a lot of your mother in you.

Sweetie, you play a beautiful ukulele, couldn't you--

- No. - But, doll,

all the other husbands are doing something.

Why won't you?

I will.

Good.

I'll go to bed early that night.

Besides, you're being a trifle inaccurate when you say

"All the other husbands are performing."

Wilbur, for one, feels the same as I do.

If Wilbur would agree to perform, would you too?

Of course.

Well, then tune up your ukulele, Daddy-o.

You're in showbiz.

That one.

No, that one.

I certainly appreciate your helping me

rehearse this magic trick, Ed.

[Ed laughing]

What are you laughing at?

Well, for a guy who wasn't gonna be in that show,

you're doing everything but print the tickets.

You just forget about that.

Now, come on, let's try the trick again.

I put the ball under the middle cup.

[Roger] Wilbur!

In here, Rog.

Hi, Rog.

I was just working on a little magic trick.

This is my cup and ball routine.

You see, you put the ball under the middle cup

and you-- How's Kay? That's nice, Rog.

Two musketeers?

One of them is named Benedict Arnold.

I had no choice.

Carol started begging me, and then she began crying and--

Because of you, I'm going to have to play the ukulele.

Good. We need a comedy spot.

Comedy?

Well, I've heard you play

and it's strictly for laughs. [chuckling] Isn't it?

Oh, Rog, you don't have to perform.

I'll get you out of it. I'll just do some more magic.

As a magician, all you could make disappear is the audience.

Well, you don't have to get angry.

I mean, you can still get out of it.

Just tell Kay the truth. Tell her you have no talent.

After that snide remark,

nothing could stop me from performing.

And don't follow my act.

There's nothing more pathetic

than a turkey trying to follow a peacock.

♪

Well, don't bruise your hands.

Oh, I liked it, doll. I think it's a great act.

But, shouldn't you cut it down a bit?

Cut it down? It only runs a minute and ten seconds now.

It seemed much longer.

I mean, doll, the important thing is

that you'll be taking part in our show.

Is it really so vital

if Wilbur gets more applause than you?

No, I'll just kill myself if he does.

Well then, why don't we do the act together

that we did in the amateur show?

You remember, you play and I'll perform with you.

Oh, no, no, no. That wouldn't be good enough.

You thought we were pretty good then.

That was 20 years and 30 pounds ago.

Oh, come on. Let's try it, doll.

You sit over there.

Let's see. I'll need these.

♪

Play me a few bars, will ya, doll?

[Roger] This better be better than Wilbur's act.

Oh, it will be.

♪

Well, hey, you didn't learn that in college.

No, I didn't. [laughter]

Hey, they're pretty good. I better tell Wilbur.

Lucky for him, he's got a sneaky horse.

They're good.

Still nothing to worry about, right, Ed?

Right!

My magic act can tTop anything Rog can come up with, right?

Right!

So Roger plays the ukulele a little bit

and Kay dances pretty well.

Does that mean they're gonna get more applause than me?

Right!

You're right.

I can't top them with a few measly little magic tricks.

I need something big, something really big

that'll knock the audience ñ6right out of their seats.

How about blowing up the joint?

Give me time to think, will ya?

[Ed] Look at him, walking around

like a chicken with its head cut off.

Head cut off.

Ed, that is a great idea!

What did I say? What did I say?

One of the greatest stage effects in magic

is the guillotine trick.

What's that?

Well, the illusion is

that you're cutting somebody's head off.

I'll use my wife.

Spoken like a true husband.

I hate to top Roger, but he started this,

so I am going all out.

With that guillotine trick?

That's right, Ed. It's on to the Bastille!

Pride goeth before a fall.

I just hope heads don't.

You see how simple that is, dear?

Now it's your turn.

No, your turn.

Come on, honey, it won't hurt you.

Didn't help the cabbage.

I already explained that, dear.

You see, when you put your head in,

I just release these two levers like that, see?

I turn the blade around.

Then when I shove the blade down, watch.

It doesn't go all the way through.

That's just a dummy. Huh?

- Understand? - Yes.

- [chuckling] Yeah. - Now you put your head in.

- No! - Carol.

Look, I'll show you there's nothing to worry about.

Look, try it on me.

Here we are!

Now just release the blade.

Lock it up first. Come on.

Oh, I don't like this.

Come on. Release the blade.

I can't!

Carol, I've seen this done a hundred times

at our magic club.

Will you just release the blade? Come on.

All right.

Wilbur?

Wilbur? Wilbur!

Ha ha ha! See, I had you fooled.

Isn't this a great illusion?

Oh, it makes me too nervous!

I can't stand it! Oh!

Look, Carol, there is nothing to--

Carol, Carol, wait.

Wait for me, honey, this is stuck.

Carol!

Look, Carol, please, get me out of this thing.

Ed?

[Ed, chuckling] Hi.

Hi.

[Ed laughs]

Where did you get the crazy necktie?

Forget about that, Ed. Ed--

[Ed laughs]

--I want you to help me.

See, what happened is I was showing this off

and it got stuck.

Would you just give this a whack?

Yeah, sure.

Watch the ear, will you? Now the other side.

All right.

Okay?

Ah, that got it!

What happened, Houdini?

I thought Carol's head was gonna be in the chopper.

Well, she chickened out.

On the way over here, I got a better idea.

A real showstopper.

What's that?

Well, instead of a person,

I'm putting a horse's head through here.

I'll tell him when he comes in.

Ed, there's nothing to be afraid of.

But when the audience sees a horse in a guillotine,

they'll flip.

Yeah, and so will my head.

Ed, Ed, just a minute.

Do you want to see Addison have a better act than me?

Suddenly, I'm on his side.

Ed, let me in.

This is very-- don't shut the door.

This is very important to meú,.

Now, it isn't often I ask a favor of you, Ed.

Would you help me, please?

Well, okay, okay.

Who can say no to a sweet guy like you?

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Oh, you're more than a horse. You're a real human being.

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Well, thanks a lot, fella.

I'm gonna tell Carol all about our showstopper.

Thanks, Ed.

Showstopper is right.

I'm putting a stop to this show right now.

Operator.

Hello, honey.

Would you get me the police department?

Cruelty to animals division.

The guy who called said to go right to the barn.

Yeah, this must be it.

Okay, Axel, well, I'll bring it over to your shop this afternoon.

Bye.

Well, Ed, the carpenter is gonna make that hole bigger

so you can get your head through.

Thank you.

I was afraid we'd have to shrink it.

You are amusing, Ed.

Well, I'll just oil these catches

so they don't stick again.

Are you Mr. Post?

Well, yes, Officer, what can I do for you?

We got a complaint about your mistreating a horse.

What?

Something about your chopping his head off.

Well, now who would accuse me--

Oh, well, that's just some crank phoning up, you know?

You see, I'm an amateur magician

and I'm putting on an act for the community theater project.

Oh, no kidding? My wife and I are gonna see that show.

Have you bought your tickets yet?

- No. - Well, don't do it.

I'll give you a couple of passes.

Oh.

Here we are.

Oh, thanks.

Don't mention it.

It's a pleasure to be giving a ticket

to a cop for a change.

[laughter]

Say, how does this thing work?

Oh, you want to know how this works, huh?

Yeah.

Well, just take your hat off.

Put your head through here, and I'll show you.

I won't hurt you.

Okay. Right through.

There. Comfortable?

- Like this? - That's it.

Just settle right in. Don't be alarmed.

We'll just lock you in there.

There we are.

Put this down here just in case something happens.

[laughter]

Are you ready?

Let her go.

Hold tight.

[laughter]

Quite a trick, huh?

Terrific.

Say, this can't hurt your horse.

If you want to use him in your act,

you go right ahead.

Hey, come back here.

Ed, come back, Ed, Ed, come back here!

Hey!

What is that, Charlie?

Never mind. This thing got stuck.

Get the emergency axe.

Well, you sure fixed me.

Addison's got a great act and I can't top him.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

I was so afraid of losing my head

that I lost my head.

Am I still your horsey?

Yes, you're still my horsey.

Ed, what am I gonna do? I haven't got an act.

Well, you're great at making a handkerchief disappear.

It'll take something bigger than that to top Addison.

Besides, everybody's seen a handkerchief disappear.

They haven't seen a horse disappear.

Well, you're about to see one now.

Come back here, Ed.

Ed, no, come, Ed, come back here!

♪ ["The Old Folks at Home" on ukulele]

[applause]

Thank you, Kay and Roger Addison,

for your little number.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

for the highlight of the evening.

For the first time on any stage,

I should like to present a startling illusion--

The Disappearing Horse,

so called because I make a horse disappear.

[laughter]

That was just a little joke to get things rolling.

Assistant, my cape, please.

[applause, whistling]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

for the greatest illusion of all times,

The Disappearing Horse.

You will notice this solid oak box.

It has four solid sides.

[knocking]

Absolutely no means--

[laughter] --absolutely no means of escape

except for these two front doors

which are in full view all the time.

Now, assistant, my horse, please.

Yes, Wilbur, master.

[wolf whistles]

[nervous laughter]

Thank you.

[laughter]

I place the horse inside the box.

Come, horse, inside the box.

Now we close the doors. Stay in there now, horse.

There we are.

No, stay in there, please.

I will now cause the horse to vanish.

Music, please.

Horse, vanish!

[laughter]

There is nothing to be afraid of.

The horse has now vanished.

A little gag. Are you ready?

[Ed coughing]

What happened?

You were supposed to push that partition switch

and go out the back way?

How can I see with all that smoke in my eyes?

Don't fail me this time.

So much for levity.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you will keep your eyes focused on the door.

Music, maestro.

Horse, vanish!

Ed, what are you doing to me?

What if I disappear forever? I'll never see you again.

Disappear this time,

or I'm gonna trade you in for a cocker spaniel.

Now the moment we've all been waiting for.

And waiting and waiting. Once again, maestro.

Horse, I command you to disappear!

Ladies and gentlemen, this horse had better disappear

by the time I count to 3,

or I will demonstrate my latest illusion--

sawing a horse in half.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

my disappearing handkerchief trick.

Listen to this, Ed. [clearing throat]

Community theater project smash success.

Featured were Wilbur Post and his comedy magic act,

using a horse.

A horse?

Why didn't they mention my name?

Don't be so sensitive.

What they should have said was

"Featuring Mister Ed and a man."

The important thing, Ed, was the show was a success.

Wilbur, I must admit you were the hit of the evening.

Well, I wouldn't say that, Rog.

Neither would I. I thought you were pretty bad.

Hear that, Ed?

How do you like that big ham?

You're not exactly knockwurst yourself.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.