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1
00:00:23,808 --> 00:00:27,045
Congratulations, Nabi.
2
00:00:27,212 --> 00:00:29,581
We are at the doorstep
of our martyrdom.
3
00:00:29,617 --> 00:00:30,948
Praise Allah.
4
00:00:31,016 --> 00:00:32,250
Praise him!
5
00:00:32,318 --> 00:00:36,689
Soon we will be greeted
by Allah, the one true god,
6
00:00:36,756 --> 00:00:39,325
and by the cheers
of our forefathers
7
00:00:39,392 --> 00:00:42,395
and by 99 perfect virgins
8
00:00:42,463 --> 00:00:44,931
who will worship us
for all eternity!
9
00:00:44,999 --> 00:00:46,766
I thought it was 100.
10
00:00:46,834 --> 00:00:48,102
What's that?
11
00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:50,404
100 virgins...
They promised me 100.
12
00:00:50,472 --> 00:00:52,841
99, 100...
What's the difference?
13
00:00:52,909 --> 00:00:55,477
If they're telling you one thing
and they're telling me another,
14
00:00:55,545 --> 00:00:56,712
maybe they don't know for sure.
15
00:00:56,779 --> 00:00:58,547
Maybe.
16
00:00:58,614 --> 00:01:01,617
Maybe the exact number
of virgins is not precise.
17
00:01:01,685 --> 00:01:03,653
I mean, if it's in the 90s,
I can live with that.
18
00:01:03,721 --> 00:01:05,422
Or 75.
19
00:01:05,490 --> 00:01:08,058
Hey, I'm not greedy,
but what if it's 10?
20
00:01:09,394 --> 00:01:10,561
Well...
21
00:01:10,628 --> 00:01:13,965
What if it's 10, but we have
to split them between us?
22
00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:15,700
Then you'll have
five more virgins
23
00:01:15,768 --> 00:01:17,336
than you have right now, right?
24
00:01:17,404 --> 00:01:19,071
We're talking
about eternity here!
25
00:01:19,139 --> 00:01:21,941
How long will five virgins
last you... maybe a month?
26
00:01:22,009 --> 00:01:24,644
They're not going to be virgins
for long, right?
27
00:01:24,712 --> 00:01:27,514
Look, would it make
you feel better
28
00:01:27,582 --> 00:01:29,217
if we called the big guy?
29
00:01:29,284 --> 00:01:30,318
Yes.
30
00:01:30,386 --> 00:01:32,153
- Take the stick.
- Okay.
31
00:01:39,796 --> 00:01:41,264
It's ringing.
32
00:01:41,332 --> 00:01:43,533
Osama, yes, it's Asif.
33
00:01:43,601 --> 00:01:44,834
No, we're on it.
34
00:01:44,902 --> 00:01:48,272
It was fine, but security
takes forever, you know?
35
00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:49,573
What are you going to do?
36
00:01:49,641 --> 00:01:51,409
Anyway, look,
Nabi has a question.
37
00:01:51,476 --> 00:01:52,410
Will you talk to him?
38
00:01:52,477 --> 00:01:53,627
No!
39
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:56,682
You do it!
40
00:01:58,317 --> 00:02:00,453
Hello!
41
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:02,288
Yes.
42
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:05,225
Uh, it's about the virgins.
43
00:02:06,628 --> 00:02:08,328
Really?
44
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,764
It was 100 when I signed up.
45
00:02:12,601 --> 00:02:14,803
He said
it's not that many anymore.
46
00:02:14,870 --> 00:02:16,939
Too many martyrs
in the first go-around.
47
00:02:17,007 --> 00:02:19,075
You've got to be kidding me.
Does he know where we are here?
48
00:02:19,142 --> 00:02:20,076
Give me the phone.
49
00:02:20,143 --> 00:02:22,411
Take the stick.
50
00:02:22,479 --> 00:02:24,214
Osama, it's Asif.
51
00:02:24,282 --> 00:02:28,518
Right now, can you tell me
the number, absolutely,
52
00:02:28,586 --> 00:02:30,588
that you can guarantee
Nabi and myself,
53
00:02:30,656 --> 00:02:33,091
as far as virgins are concerned?
54
00:02:35,128 --> 00:02:37,629
No, that's fine.
55
00:02:37,697 --> 00:02:39,031
Do it!
56
00:02:39,099 --> 00:02:40,666
Come on, man!
57
00:02:40,734 --> 00:02:43,169
He can't guarantee more than 20.
58
00:02:43,237 --> 00:02:46,172
Open the goddamn door,
you bastards!
59
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,142
We're gonna fucking
kill you, you motherfucker!
60
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:49,276
Lying pieces of shit!
61
00:02:49,344 --> 00:02:51,479
- Open the door!
- Open this fucker!
62
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:52,981
Screw this, right?
63
00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:54,199
I'm glad you said it first.
64
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:56,385
Okay, get on the intercom
to the passengers.
65
00:02:56,452 --> 00:02:58,587
We are changing course
for the Bahamas.
66
00:02:58,654 --> 00:03:00,590
Bahamas!
67
00:03:04,896 --> 00:03:06,397
We're going to the Bahamas!
68
00:03:45,315 --> 00:03:48,167
...in response to the epidemic
of border crossing
69
00:03:48,217 --> 00:03:51,586
Arizona governor Custon
in cooperation with the NRA
70
00:03:51,635 --> 00:03:55,762
announced a revolutionary new
weapon in the war on immigration
71
00:03:56,016 --> 00:04:00,516
The newly installed immigration
disincentive devices, or IDD's,
72
00:04:00,566 --> 00:04:05,665
can fire up to 200 rounds of armor-piercing
ammunition in under 10 seconds
73
00:04:05,714 --> 00:04:09,447
making Arizona's southern border
among the nations safest.
74
00:04:09,626 --> 00:04:11,387
Liberal judges in Massachusetts
75
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:14,219
have again expanded
the definition of marriage,
76
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,590
this time to include any union
between a man and a woman,
77
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,127
a man and a man,
a woman and a woman,
78
00:04:20,195 --> 00:04:21,562
a man and a collie,
79
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,897
or a woman, a polish sausage,
and a long weekend.
80
00:04:23,965 --> 00:04:25,566
...the standoff with Mr. Cruise
81
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:28,002
has now stretched
into its eighth day.
82
00:04:28,070 --> 00:04:30,905
Cruise continues to insist
that police are violating
83
00:04:30,974 --> 00:04:32,842
his parental
and religious freedoms,
84
00:04:32,909 --> 00:04:35,411
citing human sacrifice
as essential...
85
00:04:35,478 --> 00:04:37,581
Today on
"Good Morning Paradise,"
86
00:04:37,648 --> 00:04:39,015
mayoral candidate Eugene Wells
87
00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:41,218
joins us to talk about
the new political landscape,
88
00:04:41,285 --> 00:04:44,589
and the newest toy craze
of the year...
89
00:04:44,656 --> 00:04:45,923
Krotchy dolls.
90
00:04:45,991 --> 00:04:47,758
Stay tuned. It's gonna be
a super-dupe show.
91
00:04:47,826 --> 00:04:50,094
Turn down that fucking TV!
92
00:04:50,163 --> 00:04:51,313
I can't hear my show.
93
00:04:52,665 --> 00:04:54,433
Yeah, nothing's good on anyway.
94
00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:57,437
Just, uh, preparing
for my interview.
95
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:58,571
Fight!
96
00:04:58,639 --> 00:05:01,241
Aw, you fight like a pussy.
97
00:05:01,309 --> 00:05:03,177
No one's gonna hire
your sorry ass.
98
00:05:03,245 --> 00:05:05,479
Why don't you go suck up
to your Uncle Dave already?
99
00:05:10,319 --> 00:05:11,720
God damn it!
100
00:05:11,787 --> 00:05:14,290
What the hell
is going on out there?!
101
00:05:16,193 --> 00:05:17,527
Nothing.
102
00:05:17,594 --> 00:05:19,997
Make sure you pick up
that welfare check!
103
00:05:20,064 --> 00:05:23,268
Kiss, kiss, sweetie pie...
104
00:05:25,938 --> 00:05:26,871
Come on!
105
00:05:26,939 --> 00:05:28,706
Come on!
106
00:05:28,774 --> 00:05:29,707
No.
107
00:05:29,775 --> 00:05:31,643
Bad boy.
Bad boy.
108
00:05:31,711 --> 00:05:33,345
I told you:
No poopies in our yard.
109
00:05:33,413 --> 00:05:34,613
No poopies in this yard.
110
00:05:34,681 --> 00:05:37,083
You only poop in
the next-door neighbor's yard.
111
00:05:40,087 --> 00:05:42,322
Feces in the yard.
112
00:05:43,392 --> 00:05:44,392
That's a violation
113
00:05:44,459 --> 00:05:47,495
of trailer-park
ordinance number 101-40.
114
00:05:47,563 --> 00:05:48,763
Stop eating the poop.
115
00:05:48,831 --> 00:05:50,165
I'll add that to the list.
116
00:05:50,233 --> 00:05:51,266
The list?
117
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:52,742
The list. Great. The list.
What else?
118
00:05:52,802 --> 00:05:54,436
What else you got on the list?
119
00:05:54,505 --> 00:05:57,575
Ordinance number 143-11.
120
00:05:57,641 --> 00:05:59,776
Yesterday around lunchtime.
121
00:05:59,844 --> 00:06:02,313
Now, I don't care what you two
do in your own bedroom,
122
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:04,882
but ordinance number 143-11
123
00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:08,186
says if I hear your lewd
lovemaking after 10:00 A.M.,
124
00:06:08,254 --> 00:06:10,288
I get to file a grievance
against your sorry ass,
125
00:06:10,356 --> 00:06:12,190
which is
exactly what I'm gonna do!
126
00:06:12,258 --> 00:06:14,426
Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.
127
00:06:14,494 --> 00:06:17,263
Well, at least I wasn't boning
my sister, you inbred hick.
128
00:06:17,331 --> 00:06:20,334
Oh, for your information,
hillbilly,
129
00:06:20,401 --> 00:06:23,303
I wasn't even here
yesterday afternoon.
130
00:06:30,513 --> 00:06:31,814
I hate this town.
131
00:06:31,882 --> 00:06:33,716
- Matt!
- Whatever!
132
00:06:33,783 --> 00:06:35,184
This fucking sucks.
133
00:06:43,188 --> 00:06:44,395
Morning folks!
134
00:06:45,089 --> 00:06:46,910
Eugene Welles.
Running for mayor, folks.
135
00:06:48,249 --> 00:06:50,146
Like to share
a few facts with you.
136
00:06:52,515 --> 00:06:55,103
The world's leading producer
of child pornography
137
00:06:55,129 --> 00:06:57,452
is located in the basement
of the Pentagon.
138
00:06:57,605 --> 00:06:59,756
The big three television networks
139
00:06:59,774 --> 00:07:03,618
are all owned and operated
by a right-wing church in Atlanta.
140
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,976
One in every ten people in America
141
00:07:06,052 --> 00:07:09,227
- ...is on the payroll of the CIA.
- Bullshit.
142
00:07:09,277 --> 00:07:12,999
How could these things happen
in a freedom loving country you ask?
143
00:07:13,152 --> 00:07:15,447
Because we have become
a nation of sheep.
144
00:07:16,173 --> 00:07:19,240
But I am here to give
America a new direction.
145
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,673
And a new political party.
146
00:07:22,064 --> 00:07:24,131
The party of Fuck You!
147
00:07:29,624 --> 00:07:30,774
Damn right!
148
00:07:33,018 --> 00:07:34,319
Hey, hello?
149
00:07:34,386 --> 00:07:35,386
You, professor.
150
00:07:35,454 --> 00:07:36,921
What is this, a reading library?
151
00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:38,222
Yeah, yeah.
Two minutes, buddy.
152
00:07:38,290 --> 00:07:39,857
Ah, no "two minutes" now.
153
00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:40,960
You buy now, or bye-bye.
154
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,261
Bye-dee now now.
155
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,163
Ah, go on, bye-bye.
Go on.
156
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:45,332
Bye-bye.
You bye-bye.
157
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:46,433
- Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Hey.
158
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,301
Don't let the door
hit you on the way out.
159
00:07:48,369 --> 00:07:52,173
Daddy, Mohammed says he needs
to talk to you again.
160
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,174
What about?
161
00:07:53,241 --> 00:07:54,508
What else?
162
00:07:54,576 --> 00:07:57,980
Okay, so, what did she say
about me exactly?
163
00:07:58,047 --> 00:07:59,681
That slut.
164
00:07:59,749 --> 00:08:01,683
♪ killer, yeah,
and rhyme till I die
165
00:08:01,751 --> 00:08:03,852
♪ with an AK-47
from side to side
166
00:08:03,921 --> 00:08:04,954
♪ jihad killers
167
00:08:05,022 --> 00:08:06,255
♪ man, it's hot in here
168
00:08:06,323 --> 00:08:08,658
♪ you just to stake that
out of this atmosphere
169
00:08:08,727 --> 00:08:09,827
♪ jihad killers
170
00:08:09,894 --> 00:08:12,096
My brother.
171
00:08:12,163 --> 00:08:14,331
Any police come around today?
Anything suspicious?
172
00:08:14,399 --> 00:08:16,134
No, nothing, Mohammed.
173
00:08:16,202 --> 00:08:17,435
Trust me...
174
00:08:17,503 --> 00:08:20,272
you are safely hidden here
for as long as you want.
175
00:08:20,339 --> 00:08:23,336
Well, that may not
be for much longer.
176
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:23,643
Oh?
177
00:08:23,710 --> 00:08:26,112
We have news from Afghanistan.
178
00:08:26,179 --> 00:08:28,248
News? Oh.
179
00:08:28,316 --> 00:08:30,217
It is all coming together.
180
00:08:30,285 --> 00:08:33,354
The shipment
left three days ago.
181
00:08:33,422 --> 00:08:34,756
Oh.
182
00:08:34,823 --> 00:08:36,958
Praise Allah.
183
00:08:37,026 --> 00:08:38,526
When, uh, will be it here?
184
00:08:38,595 --> 00:08:40,162
Tomorrow!
185
00:08:40,230 --> 00:08:45,335
The time has come for us
to place our swords
186
00:08:45,403 --> 00:08:48,606
to the genitals of the infidels.
187
00:09:16,005 --> 00:09:18,006
I see you noticed the heads...
188
00:09:18,074 --> 00:09:19,708
Motivational.
189
00:09:19,775 --> 00:09:21,277
Those are every fucking bastard
190
00:09:21,345 --> 00:09:24,347
that I had to climb over
to get this job.
191
00:09:24,414 --> 00:09:25,881
Jesus.
192
00:09:28,453 --> 00:09:30,087
Foul.
They're paper-mache.
193
00:09:30,154 --> 00:09:31,688
They're...
He thought they were real.
194
00:09:31,756 --> 00:09:34,192
Sit down.
195
00:09:36,095 --> 00:09:37,295
Let's get started.
196
00:09:37,363 --> 00:09:40,165
So, I hope you don't mi...
197
00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:43,402
I hope you don't mind
the recording.
198
00:09:43,470 --> 00:09:46,973
Uh, we're gonna use it
as training later.
199
00:09:47,041 --> 00:09:48,274
Ready?
200
00:09:48,342 --> 00:09:50,944
Uh, yeah, yeah.
It's good.
201
00:09:51,013 --> 00:09:53,314
What the fuck is wrong with you?
202
00:09:53,382 --> 00:09:55,316
It's, uh...
The chair is actually...
203
00:09:55,384 --> 00:09:56,570
All right,
we're on a time clock,
204
00:09:56,619 --> 00:09:58,420
So let's get started, shall we?
205
00:09:58,488 --> 00:09:59,788
Yes, sir.
206
00:09:59,856 --> 00:10:01,390
Good.
207
00:10:01,457 --> 00:10:02,925
Well...
208
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:05,996
Um, so, I'm here
for the job, sir.
209
00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:08,164
Right.
You're a factory worker.
210
00:10:08,232 --> 00:10:09,433
I was.
211
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:12,504
I was a factory worker, but
the factory got closed down,
212
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,673
so I got laid off, and...
213
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,775
I've interviewed 15 other people
for this job.
214
00:10:16,842 --> 00:10:18,643
What makes you think
you're better than them?
215
00:10:18,711 --> 00:10:20,445
Well, I don't know
if I am better than them.
216
00:10:20,514 --> 00:10:21,747
Well, god damn it, pal.
217
00:10:21,815 --> 00:10:23,849
If you want this job, you better
reach out and grab it.
218
00:10:23,917 --> 00:10:25,918
You better put
those fucking heads on the wall.
219
00:10:27,955 --> 00:10:29,957
You know what? Fuck it.
Let's go to the questions.
220
00:10:30,024 --> 00:10:32,392
What is your greatest strength?
221
00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:33,494
Um...
222
00:10:33,562 --> 00:10:36,431
I'm a really good team player.
223
00:10:36,498 --> 00:10:38,166
Wrong.
224
00:10:39,736 --> 00:10:42,338
What is your biggest weakness?
225
00:10:42,405 --> 00:10:45,308
Um, I'd say I work too hard.
226
00:10:45,376 --> 00:10:47,210
Wrong.
227
00:10:47,278 --> 00:10:50,190
How would you move a
mountain using only a spoon?
228
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:50,714
A spoon?
229
00:10:50,782 --> 00:10:53,284
If you were in a box,
how would you think outside it?
230
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:55,319
Uh, it's...
Well, if you're in a...
231
00:10:55,387 --> 00:10:57,022
Wrong.
232
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,124
Last question...
233
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:02,461
What is
the difference between a duck?
234
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,303
And?
235
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,215
What the hell
is wrong with you people?!
236
00:11:20,282 --> 00:11:21,650
A d... a wh... duck?
237
00:11:21,718 --> 00:11:24,754
I don't...
I came here for a job, a job!
238
00:11:24,821 --> 00:11:26,288
As far as I know, that job
239
00:11:26,356 --> 00:11:29,559
has nothing to do with a
cock sucking, motherfucking duck!
240
00:11:34,491 --> 00:11:36,806
Remarkable, isn't he?
241
00:11:39,219 --> 00:11:40,369
Yes.
242
00:11:41,894 --> 00:11:43,963
Congratulations, pal.
243
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:47,445
You're our leading candidate.
How does it feel?
244
00:11:49,930 --> 00:11:51,230
It feels good.
245
00:11:51,298 --> 00:11:53,733
No, no, no, no, no.
How's it feel?
246
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,701
How does it feel?
247
00:11:55,770 --> 00:11:56,737
I mean, how does it feel
248
00:11:56,804 --> 00:11:58,872
to put fucking 15 heads
on that wall?
249
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:00,007
I'll tell you how it feels.
250
00:12:00,074 --> 00:12:01,542
It feels fucking great,
doesn't it?
251
00:12:01,610 --> 00:12:03,699
Fucking great, like...
252
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:07,916
So, I got it?
I got the job?
253
00:12:07,984 --> 00:12:09,285
Oh, hell, no.
No, no, no.
254
00:12:09,352 --> 00:12:11,053
This was just a like
a getting-to-know-you interview.
255
00:12:11,121 --> 00:12:12,271
Oh, yeah, no, no, we have...
256
00:12:12,305 --> 00:12:14,149
- We have a couple of more...
- One hundred and twenty.
257
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:17,093
Yeah, we have some, uh, more...
More candidates to talk to.
258
00:12:17,161 --> 00:12:19,696
But hell of a start, though. Absolutely.
259
00:12:19,765 --> 00:12:22,900
Last thing before you go...
260
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:25,203
I'd like you to sing
the company fight song.
261
00:12:34,648 --> 00:12:37,751
It's not a flag,
it's a company
262
00:12:37,819 --> 00:12:39,353
a high-flying company
263
00:12:39,421 --> 00:12:42,490
and it will cheerfully
work you to death
264
00:12:42,558 --> 00:12:46,429
by the time you are old,
the pension is sold
265
00:12:46,495 --> 00:12:49,732
and your cube
will be your casket
266
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:53,102
it's a company,
a high-flying company
267
00:12:53,170 --> 00:12:56,807
now please get back to work
268
00:12:58,343 --> 00:13:00,010
We'll get back to you.
269
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:08,220
I hate this town.
270
00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:14,259
♪change has begun
271
00:13:15,763 --> 00:13:18,899
♪spread the word today
272
00:13:21,370 --> 00:13:25,207
♪follow the flower children
273
00:13:25,275 --> 00:13:27,743
♪let them lead the way
274
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,979
Brothers and sisters...
275
00:13:31,037 --> 00:13:32,985
You have waited.
276
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,444
You have been tested.
277
00:13:37,276 --> 00:13:42,278
And now your wishes
have been answered.
278
00:13:43,168 --> 00:13:48,874
I am proud
to introduce to you the one.
279
00:13:50,943 --> 00:13:55,248
Hold up your energies
for Uncle Dave!
280
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:01,655
Good group, good group.
281
00:14:03,024 --> 00:14:07,696
Welcome to the Denomination
of Organic Monotheism.
282
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:12,001
I congratulate you all on taking
the first step to freedom
283
00:14:12,069 --> 00:14:14,503
by completing
your training program.
284
00:14:14,571 --> 00:14:18,275
Obviously, you've come
to the correct conclusion
285
00:14:18,343 --> 00:14:22,113
that the American dream
is not a dream for you.
286
00:14:22,181 --> 00:14:23,348
That's right!
287
00:14:23,415 --> 00:14:25,350
In fact...
288
00:14:25,417 --> 00:14:26,985
it is a nightmare...
289
00:14:27,053 --> 00:14:31,323
yeah!
290
00:14:31,391 --> 00:14:34,828
A nightmare that soon
will be engulfed
291
00:14:34,895 --> 00:14:39,433
in the all-encompassing flames
of God's damnation!
292
00:14:39,501 --> 00:14:42,470
Yeah!
293
00:14:43,639 --> 00:14:46,274
Pious people in the house,
say, "oh!"
294
00:14:48,011 --> 00:14:49,678
Who loves God?
295
00:14:49,746 --> 00:14:51,446
- We do!
- We do!
296
00:14:53,484 --> 00:14:54,634
David?
297
00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:59,723
Oh, yeah.
Initiation.
298
00:14:59,791 --> 00:15:01,158
I love this part.
299
00:15:01,226 --> 00:15:03,495
No, no, Richie, no, no,
this is...
300
00:15:03,562 --> 00:15:06,464
this is just... this
is just inner-sanctum stuff,
301
00:15:06,532 --> 00:15:07,832
strictly ritualistic.
302
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:10,201
Uh, Uncle Dave, uh,
sorry to bother you,
303
00:15:10,270 --> 00:15:14,106
but we've got some rather
important business.
304
00:15:15,209 --> 00:15:16,610
The girls...
They need to go.
305
00:15:17,812 --> 00:15:19,579
Okay.
306
00:15:19,647 --> 00:15:22,582
Children, it appears
that Brother Richard here
307
00:15:22,651 --> 00:15:26,654
has to, uh, commingle
our... our energies.
308
00:15:26,722 --> 00:15:27,790
Sweetie... sweetie...
309
00:15:27,857 --> 00:15:29,158
Let's go.
Come on, ladies, move.
310
00:15:30,327 --> 00:15:31,827
There we go.
311
00:15:31,895 --> 00:15:33,395
But I want more communion.
312
00:15:33,664 --> 00:15:35,198
Oh, we'll do communion,
I promise.
313
00:15:35,266 --> 00:15:36,733
It's my favorite meal
of the day.
314
00:15:36,801 --> 00:15:38,401
- Don't worry about it.
- That's nice.
315
00:15:38,469 --> 00:15:41,672
- Now go.
- Oh, hello.
316
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:44,075
God bless it.
317
00:15:44,142 --> 00:15:46,545
Ah, Richie, what the fuck is it?
What's the problem?
318
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,114
We're having something
319
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,317
of a cash-flow problem.
320
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,453
What the fuck
you talking about, Richie?
321
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,321
Did you see all those recruits
out there today?
322
00:15:55,389 --> 00:15:56,456
It's true.
323
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,859
Membership and donations
are at an all-time high,
324
00:15:58,927 --> 00:16:01,261
and we got more tail running
around here than the...
325
00:16:01,329 --> 00:16:03,498
Than the Playboy Mansion,
but it's...
326
00:16:06,135 --> 00:16:08,370
Yeah? So?
Then what's the problem, Rich?
327
00:16:08,437 --> 00:16:09,638
Well...
328
00:16:10,707 --> 00:16:12,241
it's the IRS.
329
00:16:12,309 --> 00:16:13,776
Yeah?
Well, what do they want?
330
00:16:13,844 --> 00:16:17,180
Uh, it seems we haven't paid
our taxes in three years.
331
00:16:17,248 --> 00:16:19,516
So what, man?
332
00:16:19,584 --> 00:16:21,151
I tried to explain, of course,
333
00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:23,321
that with our continued expectation
of the end of the world,
334
00:16:23,389 --> 00:16:25,356
it's difficult
to justify contributing
335
00:16:25,424 --> 00:16:28,527
to long-term programs like
Medicare or Social Security,
336
00:16:28,595 --> 00:16:30,629
but, um...
337
00:16:32,198 --> 00:16:35,535
apparently even
a selective tax payment
338
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:36,836
is not an option.
339
00:16:36,904 --> 00:16:39,040
Oh, come on, Richie, you know
I don't like to micromanage.
340
00:16:39,107 --> 00:16:40,841
What the fuck do we do
about this, all right?
341
00:16:40,909 --> 00:16:42,243
- Well...
- Huh?
342
00:16:42,310 --> 00:16:43,911
What's your plan?
343
00:16:45,548 --> 00:16:48,350
We pay them or, uh...
344
00:16:52,923 --> 00:16:55,224
We pay them,
or everything is all over...
345
00:16:55,292 --> 00:16:57,427
The weenie whacking,
the pantless parties,
346
00:16:57,495 --> 00:16:59,163
the tacos, everything.
347
00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:02,266
And you...
you go to jail.
348
00:17:02,334 --> 00:17:05,236
So, how much do we owe?
349
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:15,749
$1.3 million and 79 cents.
350
00:17:15,817 --> 00:17:18,485
Oh, fuck, Rich.
351
00:17:18,553 --> 00:17:21,956
Oh, d-d-don't despair,
Uncle Dave.
352
00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:26,094
When the government
slams the doors shut,
353
00:17:26,161 --> 00:17:30,799
G-O-D always opens
a window.
354
00:17:32,769 --> 00:17:37,140
That's a beautifully
retarded sentiment, Richie.
355
00:17:37,208 --> 00:17:40,067
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to be alone.
356
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:42,528
You want me to call
the girls in?
357
00:17:43,115 --> 00:17:45,864
- Nah, really alone.
- No?
358
00:17:46,125 --> 00:17:47,633
Really alone?
359
00:17:48,331 --> 00:17:49,481
Okay.
360
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,002
I'll get the porn.
361
00:17:52,052 --> 00:17:53,009
No. No, no, Richie.
362
00:17:53,035 --> 00:17:54,344
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
363
00:17:55,110 --> 00:17:55,794
Really?
364
00:17:55,794 --> 00:17:57,662
Yeah, I don't want
any kind of sex right now.
365
00:17:57,713 --> 00:18:01,397
- You won't even let me stay?
- No, Richie. Please get the fuck out of here.
366
00:18:02,510 --> 00:18:04,846
Alright.
367
00:18:07,007 --> 00:18:10,284
Well, if you need me,
I'm in the other room.
368
00:18:11,146 --> 00:18:14,048
It seems pretty unlikely, Rich.
369
00:18:14,115 --> 00:18:17,152
Unfortunately, the supply of Krotchy
dolls can't meet the demand,
370
00:18:17,219 --> 00:18:18,801
And parents and
children alike have been
371
00:18:18,802 --> 00:18:20,455
lining up for weeks to
get their hands on them.
372
00:18:20,523 --> 00:18:23,693
We'll be back in two minutes.
See you then.
373
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,895
I prey on the innocent
374
00:18:25,963 --> 00:18:27,163
living on the grind
375
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,900
tryin' to get a dollar
out of 15 cents
376
00:18:29,968 --> 00:18:31,535
Hey, yo, hi.
377
00:18:31,603 --> 00:18:33,837
Come here.
Help me out with a few bucks.
378
00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:36,307
Yeah, I... I don't have
any money.
379
00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:37,675
Come on.
Come on, I'm serious.
380
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:38,977
Come over here.
381
00:18:39,044 --> 00:18:41,547
I need a few bucks to get a bus
to go see my kids.
382
00:18:41,615 --> 00:18:43,182
I... yo, I don't have...
383
00:18:43,250 --> 00:18:44,817
- Sorry, I don't have any money.
- Hey, come here.
384
00:18:44,884 --> 00:18:47,554
Come here.
I want to talk... come here.
385
00:18:47,622 --> 00:18:49,089
Get the fuck out of here.
386
00:18:49,156 --> 00:18:51,224
I'm sick and tired
of people like you, you know?
387
00:18:51,292 --> 00:18:53,728
You got a good job.
You got a big car.
388
00:18:53,795 --> 00:18:55,196
You got everything,
and I got nothing.
389
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:56,297
Well, fuck you,
390
00:18:56,365 --> 00:18:58,532
And fuck everybody
who even looks like you!
391
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,235
Get the fuck out of here!
392
00:19:03,187 --> 00:19:04,540
I'll fucking knock you out, pal.
393
00:19:09,725 --> 00:19:11,760
It's green.
394
00:19:11,828 --> 00:19:13,596
Look, you can make the light!
395
00:19:13,664 --> 00:19:15,498
Hey!
396
00:19:19,370 --> 00:19:21,104
You can make the light!
397
00:19:21,172 --> 00:19:23,140
Come on, bitch!
398
00:19:23,207 --> 00:19:24,375
God damn.
399
00:19:24,443 --> 00:19:25,843
She could have made
the fucking light.
400
00:19:25,911 --> 00:19:27,512
She forget her glass.
401
00:19:27,579 --> 00:19:29,347
- You say "glass"?
- Yes.
402
00:19:29,415 --> 00:19:32,518
You say "glass," you
frankfurt-eating motherfucker?
403
00:19:32,585 --> 00:19:34,153
I bought all these goddamn English CD's
404
00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:35,621
For you to say fucking "glass"?
405
00:19:35,689 --> 00:19:36,839
It's "glasses."
406
00:19:36,891 --> 00:19:38,325
You fucking foreigners
come over here,
407
00:19:38,392 --> 00:19:39,459
and you fuck up the language,
408
00:19:39,527 --> 00:19:41,461
and this bitch
is fucking up the traffic!
409
00:19:41,475 --> 00:19:43,477
- Calm down, Greg.
- You fucking calm down!
410
00:19:43,545 --> 00:19:45,045
This flat-ass bitch
comes over here,
411
00:19:45,113 --> 00:19:46,313
she takes over
the convenience stores,
412
00:19:46,381 --> 00:19:48,549
and they eat up
all our goddamn dogs!
413
00:19:48,616 --> 00:19:50,652
Go and help her.
Come on.
414
00:19:53,562 --> 00:19:54,863
You're right.
415
00:19:54,930 --> 00:19:57,066
I'm trippin'.
416
00:19:57,133 --> 00:20:00,236
I'll just get out of the car
and make sure she's doing okay.
417
00:20:00,303 --> 00:20:02,973
She's an old lady.
418
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,190
I feel bad now.
419
00:20:10,149 --> 00:20:11,883
Hi.
The light is green.
420
00:20:12,885 --> 00:20:14,319
The light is green.
421
00:20:14,434 --> 00:20:16,836
You could have
went through the light.
422
00:20:16,905 --> 00:20:18,705
The light turned gr...
What did you say?
423
00:20:20,074 --> 00:20:21,375
What'd you say, bitch?
424
00:20:23,311 --> 00:20:24,978
Why don't you stir-fry that?
425
00:20:27,883 --> 00:20:28,950
Holy fuck!
426
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,019
Damn!
427
00:20:30,086 --> 00:20:32,288
Yeah, that'll get her moving!
428
00:20:34,725 --> 00:20:36,459
Man.
429
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:37,828
What happened over there?
430
00:20:38,513 --> 00:20:39,963
I think she called me nigger.
431
00:20:50,009 --> 00:20:51,877
Whoa-ho-ho!
Did you see that?
432
00:20:51,945 --> 00:20:53,847
Yeah.
433
00:20:53,914 --> 00:20:55,448
One date with me,
434
00:20:55,516 --> 00:20:58,552
she'll look like she's been hit
with a mayonnaise truck.
435
00:20:59,654 --> 00:21:01,388
That's right, Mr. Stickum.
436
00:21:03,134 --> 00:21:05,226
Yeah, I hope she comes back.
437
00:21:05,321 --> 00:21:06,471
- Uhm, hi.
- Hi!
438
00:21:06,542 --> 00:21:08,759
Yeah, I just ordered this
and there's uh...
439
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,012
There's vanilla in it.
440
00:21:10,376 --> 00:21:14,004
Oh, okay. I put vanilla in
because you'd said "put the vanilla in".
441
00:21:14,054 --> 00:21:15,204
So, you know...
442
00:21:16,769 --> 00:21:17,690
I hate vanilla.
443
00:21:17,716 --> 00:21:20,478
Oh weird that you said
that then, I'll just chuck it.
444
00:21:20,497 --> 00:21:22,248
Do you want something else?
What can I getcha?
445
00:21:22,298 --> 00:21:25,073
- Yes, please. I would like...
- What's that?
446
00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:29,613
I'm gonna be ready with you
guys in two seconds.
447
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,155
Your order's actually up, so...
448
00:21:33,031 --> 00:21:35,369
You know what? You wanna decide
while I grab their stuff?
449
00:21:35,559 --> 00:21:37,981
- Uh, yeah. Sure.
- Yeah, let's do that!
450
00:21:38,496 --> 00:21:41,331
Well, I tried Scientology
and then I tried Kabbalah.
451
00:21:41,381 --> 00:21:44,034
But it just didn't click
with me, you know?
452
00:21:45,662 --> 00:21:48,251
I mean, you have a lot more
fun when you're famous.
453
00:21:50,006 --> 00:21:54,342
So I figured, maybe
I give Muslimism a try.
454
00:21:54,394 --> 00:21:55,994
See if that fills me up.
455
00:21:58,070 --> 00:21:59,552
You're all so passionate and...
456
00:22:02,020 --> 00:22:03,170
Jihad.
457
00:22:04,007 --> 00:22:05,268
- Thank you.
- Abdul!
458
00:22:05,364 --> 00:22:07,452
- Oh. Okay, yeah.
- Abdul! Abdul!
459
00:22:09,338 --> 00:22:10,488
Yeah.
460
00:22:11,935 --> 00:22:13,336
Thank you.
461
00:22:13,787 --> 00:22:14,124
Okay.
462
00:22:14,142 --> 00:22:15,175
- All set?
- Yes.
463
00:22:15,243 --> 00:22:18,613
- What do you got?
- I will have a medium...
464
00:22:21,750 --> 00:22:24,119
No, you know what?
I'm gonna have a large.
465
00:22:24,187 --> 00:22:26,455
I'll have a large mocha.
466
00:22:27,516 --> 00:22:28,857
- Okay.
- No.
467
00:22:29,397 --> 00:22:31,962
No, you know what?
Maybe a... maybe a vanilla.
468
00:22:32,029 --> 00:22:33,430
Okay.
469
00:22:33,497 --> 00:22:35,899
What do you think
goes better with bagels?
470
00:22:37,169 --> 00:22:40,806
You had 10 minutes
to make up your fucking mind!
471
00:22:40,872 --> 00:22:43,041
What is it with you people?
Can somebody please tell me?
472
00:22:43,109 --> 00:22:45,544
I mean, we sell coffee.
That's it, nothing else.
473
00:22:45,611 --> 00:22:46,878
You're not buying a car,
I mean, right?
474
00:22:46,946 --> 00:22:48,715
Make a fucking decision, huh?
How about it?
475
00:22:48,782 --> 00:22:50,116
I know.
Here we go.
476
00:22:50,184 --> 00:22:53,153
You're gonna have
a regular coffee.
477
00:22:53,221 --> 00:22:56,790
Careful... the beverage you're
about to enjoy is extremely hot.
478
00:22:56,858 --> 00:22:57,791
Next?
479
00:22:57,859 --> 00:22:59,561
Uh...
480
00:22:59,629 --> 00:23:01,329
What?
481
00:23:01,397 --> 00:23:02,864
I, um...
482
00:23:02,932 --> 00:23:06,168
Two lattes, no foam, please.
483
00:23:22,754 --> 00:23:25,290
I can't believe this is the first
time you've ever been here.
484
00:23:27,227 --> 00:23:29,227
I mean, all these fucking idiots
calling me Uncle Dave,
485
00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:31,325
And here I am...
I actually am your Uncle Dave.
486
00:23:32,348 --> 00:23:33,515
Yeah.
487
00:23:33,614 --> 00:23:36,984
So, when was the last time
I saw you?
488
00:23:37,052 --> 00:23:39,887
The bachelor party,
right before the wedding night.
489
00:23:39,954 --> 00:23:42,324
Oh, fuck, yeah, right.
That was fun.
490
00:23:42,391 --> 00:23:44,392
I wonder
if that donkey survived.
491
00:23:45,995 --> 00:23:48,664
Well, what do you think
of the place?
492
00:23:48,732 --> 00:23:51,834
Ah, it's... it's amazing.
493
00:23:51,902 --> 00:23:54,037
Yeah. I kind of owe it
all to you, you know?
494
00:23:54,105 --> 00:23:55,706
Me?
495
00:23:55,773 --> 00:23:57,941
Well, we always talked
496
00:23:58,009 --> 00:23:59,844
- about running a con like this, right?
- Yeah.
497
00:23:59,912 --> 00:24:01,946
You know,
about how gullible people are,
498
00:24:02,014 --> 00:24:03,281
how they'll believe anything
499
00:24:03,349 --> 00:24:05,484
if you just tell it to them
a couple of times?
500
00:24:05,552 --> 00:24:08,854
Anyway, I just took all that
talk, put it into action,
501
00:24:08,922 --> 00:24:11,658
pushed it to the next level,
and...
502
00:24:11,726 --> 00:24:14,260
here I fucking am.
503
00:24:14,328 --> 00:24:16,062
Man.
504
00:24:16,131 --> 00:24:18,699
I just can't believe it,
you know?
505
00:24:20,068 --> 00:24:21,602
Yeah.
506
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,242
You know, it's funny you showing
up here like this, you know,
507
00:24:27,310 --> 00:24:30,813
'cause I find myself in a...
In a financial situation.
508
00:24:30,881 --> 00:24:33,282
And I have a plan
for getting out of it,
509
00:24:33,350 --> 00:24:34,818
But I could use a partner.
510
00:24:34,886 --> 00:24:36,420
Uh, no.
No, no, no.
511
00:24:36,488 --> 00:24:38,255
I know where this is going,
Uncle Dave.
512
00:24:38,323 --> 00:24:41,226
I... I don't do
that type of shit anymore.
513
00:24:41,293 --> 00:24:43,328
Come on, it'd be like old times.
514
00:24:43,396 --> 00:24:46,499
Remember when we stole the flag
from the Governor's Mansion?
515
00:24:46,566 --> 00:24:47,900
Twice.
516
00:24:47,968 --> 00:24:49,118
Yeah.
517
00:24:49,169 --> 00:24:51,337
And this plan is foolproof, man.
518
00:24:51,405 --> 00:24:53,540
I got arrested the second time.
519
00:24:53,608 --> 00:24:55,676
Well, that plan
wasn't foolproof.
520
00:24:55,743 --> 00:24:57,811
Yeah, they prosecuted me
521
00:24:57,879 --> 00:25:00,281
under the new flag protection amendment,
522
00:25:00,349 --> 00:25:01,716
and with that on my record,
523
00:25:01,784 --> 00:25:05,287
I couldn't get into a good
college or get a good job or...
524
00:25:05,355 --> 00:25:07,723
I pretty much just play
by the rules.
525
00:25:07,791 --> 00:25:10,560
Look, man, nobody plays
by the rules, all right?
526
00:25:10,628 --> 00:25:12,595
You bend them,
or you break them.
527
00:25:12,663 --> 00:25:15,098
Anything else
is just slow death.
528
00:25:15,166 --> 00:25:16,634
Yeah, that's what it feels like.
529
00:25:16,702 --> 00:25:17,635
Yeah.
530
00:25:17,703 --> 00:25:18,869
All right, well, fuck it, man.
531
00:25:18,937 --> 00:25:20,404
I never push you
to do anything, right?
532
00:25:20,472 --> 00:25:22,073
- I always let you go your own way.
- Yeah.
533
00:25:22,141 --> 00:25:24,176
Besides, it's working out great
for you, right?
534
00:25:24,243 --> 00:25:27,612
I mean, you got the beautiful
wife, the nice home.
535
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:31,651
If you change your mind, though,
you let me know.
536
00:25:31,719 --> 00:25:34,722
Here, have a souvenir ashtray.
537
00:25:34,789 --> 00:25:36,390
Thanks.
538
00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:40,669
Now, you're gonna get a
welfare check for $168, right?
539
00:25:40,670 --> 00:25:41,496
Fuck you, man.
540
00:25:41,564 --> 00:25:42,597
You give me that check,
541
00:25:42,665 --> 00:25:44,699
I'll give you $250 worth
of food stamps.
542
00:25:44,767 --> 00:25:46,869
You understand what I'm saying?
Major profit there.
543
00:25:46,937 --> 00:25:49,338
This is a good deal, pal.
It's a fucking great deal.
544
00:25:49,406 --> 00:25:50,373
Shit.
545
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:51,640
That's $82.
546
00:25:51,708 --> 00:25:53,109
$82. You're good at math.
547
00:25:53,177 --> 00:25:54,177
Hey, that's you.
You're next.
548
00:25:54,245 --> 00:25:55,278
Here, use my pen.
549
00:25:55,346 --> 00:25:57,514
Use my pen
and don't forget to date it.
550
00:25:57,582 --> 00:25:59,984
23-6.
551
00:26:00,052 --> 00:26:02,153
Hey, have you heard
that since the United States
552
00:26:02,221 --> 00:26:04,623
has closed their borders they're
getting rid of the Statue of Liberty?
553
00:26:04,691 --> 00:26:05,858
I don't understand you.
554
00:26:05,925 --> 00:26:08,794
All that scrap copper's
gonna be for sale.
555
00:26:08,862 --> 00:26:10,697
I don't want copper!
You go away!
556
00:26:10,765 --> 00:26:11,765
Wrong form.
557
00:26:11,832 --> 00:26:12,799
What?!
558
00:26:12,867 --> 00:26:14,067
Wrong form!
559
00:26:14,135 --> 00:26:16,737
Look, I don't care
what form I have, all right?!
560
00:26:16,805 --> 00:26:18,324
I'm not leaving here
until I get my money!
561
00:26:18,373 --> 00:26:20,041
Buddy, come on.
Hey, buddy, let's go.
562
00:26:20,108 --> 00:26:21,075
Come on.
563
00:26:21,143 --> 00:26:22,577
Where's the pen?
Where's my pen?
564
00:26:22,645 --> 00:26:25,180
Hey, come here.
He's got my pen.
565
00:26:25,248 --> 00:26:26,581
Hey! Hey!
566
00:26:27,817 --> 00:26:29,719
Down! Down!
Shit!
567
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:43,768
Fuck me!
568
00:26:46,406 --> 00:26:47,840
Help me!
569
00:26:53,648 --> 00:26:54,581
Oh, my god!
570
00:26:54,649 --> 00:26:56,383
Just get down!
Get down!
571
00:26:57,953 --> 00:26:59,454
That does it!
572
00:27:00,456 --> 00:27:03,091
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
573
00:27:03,158 --> 00:27:04,927
Don't do it!
Don't do it!
574
00:27:04,994 --> 00:27:06,395
Don't do it!
575
00:27:09,833 --> 00:27:11,967
I need backup!
576
00:27:20,178 --> 00:27:22,080
Sweet.
577
00:27:28,088 --> 00:27:30,156
More fucking backup!
578
00:27:31,458 --> 00:27:32,725
Number 25!
579
00:27:34,496 --> 00:27:35,429
Right here.
580
00:27:35,497 --> 00:27:38,065
Here.
Right here.
581
00:27:38,133 --> 00:27:39,800
Sorry, we're closed.
582
00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:41,870
My baby!
583
00:27:52,750 --> 00:27:55,753
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
584
00:27:59,692 --> 00:28:02,326
Oh, yes!
585
00:28:02,394 --> 00:28:04,697
Come on!
586
00:28:04,764 --> 00:28:06,598
Give it to me, daddy.
587
00:28:06,666 --> 00:28:08,834
Give it to your bad girl.
588
00:28:13,741 --> 00:28:15,875
Oh, yes!
Give it to me!
589
00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:18,846
Oh, yes!
590
00:28:25,421 --> 00:28:28,491
I'll be back in a second,
sweet cheeks.
591
00:28:38,269 --> 00:28:39,803
Hi, neighbor.
592
00:28:39,872 --> 00:28:44,175
Guess I won't be needing
that grievance after all, huh?
593
00:28:44,243 --> 00:28:46,345
Okay.
594
00:28:56,991 --> 00:28:59,226
Got to find the wet spot.
595
00:29:08,271 --> 00:29:10,874
Leave the welfare check
on the counter.
596
00:29:10,941 --> 00:29:12,409
Oh, yeah.
597
00:29:12,476 --> 00:29:13,943
There. Oh, yeah.
598
00:29:14,011 --> 00:29:15,980
Oh!
599
00:29:19,084 --> 00:29:21,285
Give it to me, you stud.
600
00:29:21,353 --> 00:29:22,354
Yes.
601
00:29:22,422 --> 00:29:24,689
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
602
00:29:24,757 --> 00:29:26,758
Yes!
603
00:29:28,128 --> 00:29:31,064
Get me a large bottle
of cooking oil.
604
00:29:31,131 --> 00:29:33,934
The extra-virgin kind!
605
00:29:34,002 --> 00:29:36,303
Oh, yes!
Yes!
606
00:29:39,140 --> 00:29:41,009
Oh, yes!
607
00:29:41,077 --> 00:29:42,811
Oh!
608
00:29:42,878 --> 00:29:46,115
Please, Uncle Dave, please,
just a few hundred bucks,
609
00:29:46,183 --> 00:29:49,453
just... just enough to get me
out of this fuckhole town
610
00:29:49,519 --> 00:29:51,520
for the rest of my life, please?
611
00:29:51,588 --> 00:29:53,356
Hey, sport.
612
00:29:53,424 --> 00:29:54,725
Last chance.
Come on.
613
00:29:54,792 --> 00:29:56,259
Help me out with a few bucks.
614
00:29:56,327 --> 00:29:59,731
I don't have anything.
615
00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:02,567
Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to, huh?
616
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:05,571
What, do you think I'm stupid
or something, huh?
617
00:30:05,638 --> 00:30:09,108
Listen, you're not gonna help me
out, I'll help out myself.
618
00:30:09,175 --> 00:30:10,677
Open up the wallet.
619
00:30:10,745 --> 00:30:12,912
Dude, who you talking to?
620
00:30:14,248 --> 00:30:15,448
No.
621
00:30:15,516 --> 00:30:17,852
Let go of my gun.
What's the matter with you?
622
00:30:17,919 --> 00:30:19,086
Bro, you still there?
623
00:30:20,655 --> 00:30:22,090
Hey, bro?
624
00:30:22,158 --> 00:30:24,359
Hey, while I got you,
I got to ask you...
625
00:30:24,427 --> 00:30:27,830
What do you think of those...
Those mileage rewards programs?
626
00:30:27,898 --> 00:30:30,400
- What's the matter with you? Let go.
- No!
627
00:30:30,467 --> 00:30:32,735
You know, I thought you could
use those miles anytime
628
00:30:32,803 --> 00:30:34,171
To get tickets, right?
629
00:30:34,239 --> 00:30:37,341
But, you know, I tried, and
you can't use them at Christmas.
630
00:30:37,409 --> 00:30:39,476
- Last chance.
- No.
631
00:30:39,544 --> 00:30:41,046
- Give me the gun!
- No.
632
00:30:43,949 --> 00:30:46,285
Aw, shit, sport.
633
00:30:52,326 --> 00:30:53,919
It's like at every holiday
it's blacked out.
634
00:30:53,961 --> 00:30:56,296
Like, anytime you want to use the
fucking thing, it's blacked out.
635
00:30:56,364 --> 00:30:58,633
That's bullshit, isn't it?
636
00:30:58,700 --> 00:31:00,168
- Dave?
- Yeah?
637
00:31:00,235 --> 00:31:01,235
I'm in.
638
00:31:01,303 --> 00:31:02,637
You are?
639
00:31:02,704 --> 00:31:04,573
Oh, fuck, that's great, man.
640
00:31:07,577 --> 00:31:09,111
But you know what?
641
00:31:09,179 --> 00:31:12,482
You caught me at kind of
a busy time right now, so, uh...
642
00:31:13,751 --> 00:31:15,685
We, the people under Allah,
643
00:31:15,754 --> 00:31:17,588
give you a new beacon
of strength
644
00:31:17,656 --> 00:31:20,124
against the great Satan
of the West.
645
00:31:20,192 --> 00:31:22,461
They believe we are weakened,
646
00:31:22,528 --> 00:31:23,929
but in only a few days,
647
00:31:23,996 --> 00:31:27,532
we will strike a blow against
America so swift and terrible
648
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:31,070
that the evil ones will collapse
once and for all.
649
00:31:31,138 --> 00:31:33,774
We are asking those
of the true faith
650
00:31:33,842 --> 00:31:35,676
to wait, pray,
651
00:31:35,744 --> 00:31:40,348
and praise Allah when
the glorious slaughter begins.
652
00:31:40,416 --> 00:31:43,718
And cut!
653
00:31:43,786 --> 00:31:46,555
Wonderful scene, Sammy.
Just wonderful!
654
00:31:46,623 --> 00:31:48,224
You truly outdid yourself
this time.
655
00:31:48,291 --> 00:31:50,025
You... you hold the screen.
656
00:31:50,093 --> 00:31:52,562
You... you are forceful,
yet unbelievable.
657
00:31:52,630 --> 00:31:54,097
I almost cried
in the middle there.
658
00:31:54,165 --> 00:31:55,632
You have
such a... a star quality.
659
00:31:55,700 --> 00:31:57,869
You can't put it into words.
You are a true superstar.
660
00:31:57,936 --> 00:31:58,936
Your voice...
661
00:31:59,004 --> 00:32:00,204
Your eyes...
They were popping.
662
00:32:00,272 --> 00:32:01,773
What?
663
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,776
Don't you know
I'm lactose intolerant?
664
00:32:03,843 --> 00:32:05,711
Are you trying to kill me?
665
00:32:07,213 --> 00:32:09,581
Who writes this shit?
666
00:32:11,318 --> 00:32:13,286
They're not listening anymore,
Mohammed.
667
00:32:13,354 --> 00:32:15,422
I tell them
about Allah and glory.
668
00:32:15,489 --> 00:32:18,225
And what do I get?
What do I get every damn time?
669
00:32:18,293 --> 00:32:19,560
Virgins.
670
00:32:19,628 --> 00:32:21,128
Ding ding ding ding ding ding.
671
00:32:21,196 --> 00:32:24,766
Nobody wants to die anymore
unless they get virgins.
672
00:32:24,834 --> 00:32:27,235
But no one has to die this time.
673
00:32:27,303 --> 00:32:30,339
That is genius of the shipment.
674
00:32:30,407 --> 00:32:31,974
Ooh, the shipment!
675
00:32:32,042 --> 00:32:34,243
Ooh, big whoop!
676
00:32:34,312 --> 00:32:36,547
What is it this time...
More Anthrax?
677
00:32:38,183 --> 00:32:40,517
Sammy, Sammy...
678
00:32:40,586 --> 00:32:42,087
Why do you have to be like that?
679
00:32:42,154 --> 00:32:44,622
Remember the thing with
the planes a few years back?
680
00:32:44,690 --> 00:32:46,325
Do you remember that, hmm?
681
00:32:46,393 --> 00:32:48,928
Do you remember that?
Come on, do you remember that?
682
00:32:48,995 --> 00:32:50,062
Child's play!
683
00:32:50,130 --> 00:32:53,233
Tomorrow is
when we really make our mark...
684
00:32:53,301 --> 00:32:54,701
You, me...
685
00:32:54,769 --> 00:32:59,006
and the shipment
of Krotchy dolls.
686
00:32:59,074 --> 00:33:02,310
I'm gonna go watch "Oprah."
687
00:33:02,377 --> 00:33:04,646
She's looking good these days.
688
00:33:04,714 --> 00:33:06,515
The diet is working.
689
00:33:06,583 --> 00:33:09,351
I will do anything it takes to
get the fuck out of Paradise...
690
00:33:09,419 --> 00:33:11,888
Anything, anything!
691
00:33:11,956 --> 00:33:13,056
Okay.
692
00:33:13,124 --> 00:33:16,360
Take me up the ass.
693
00:33:18,130 --> 00:33:20,131
Just kidding.
694
00:33:21,299 --> 00:33:23,802
No, no, here, here.
695
00:33:23,870 --> 00:33:26,037
You know these things?
696
00:33:26,105 --> 00:33:28,473
- Krotchy dolls?
- Yeah.
697
00:33:28,542 --> 00:33:30,343
Yeah.
698
00:33:30,411 --> 00:33:33,513
Biggest show on TV, number one.
699
00:33:33,580 --> 00:33:35,382
Oh, and the guy
who does the voice for it...
700
00:33:35,450 --> 00:33:36,784
He's some big
international star, right?
701
00:33:36,851 --> 00:33:38,185
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
702
00:33:38,219 --> 00:33:39,369
All that matters
703
00:33:39,421 --> 00:33:42,290
is everybody wants one
of those dolls, right?
704
00:33:42,358 --> 00:33:44,859
But, sadly...
705
00:33:44,927 --> 00:33:48,931
the Chinese tanker
bringing them over here sank.
706
00:33:48,999 --> 00:33:52,769
They were able to save
about 100,000 dolls.
707
00:33:52,837 --> 00:33:54,905
Unfortunately, none of the crew
was rescued.
708
00:33:54,972 --> 00:33:58,609
So, what,
there's not enough dolls?
709
00:33:58,677 --> 00:33:59,777
Check this out, man.
710
00:33:59,845 --> 00:34:02,814
One of these dolls
sold at auction this morning
711
00:34:02,881 --> 00:34:06,418
for $4,000.
712
00:34:06,486 --> 00:34:07,953
Fuck me.
713
00:34:08,021 --> 00:34:09,589
Yeah.
714
00:34:11,158 --> 00:34:12,459
And...
715
00:34:12,526 --> 00:34:17,731
And 2,000 times $4,000
times $4,000 is, uh...
716
00:34:17,799 --> 00:34:18,732
is 8, uh...
717
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:20,668
that's like...
No, it's 800...
718
00:34:20,735 --> 00:34:22,504
No, it's 8...
Well, you move...
719
00:34:22,572 --> 00:34:24,806
Well, if it's three zeros h...
720
00:34:24,874 --> 00:34:26,074
You move the decimal back.
721
00:34:26,142 --> 00:34:28,344
- I don't think... no, well, wait.
- Or...
722
00:34:28,412 --> 00:34:29,645
It's a fucking lot of money!
723
00:34:29,713 --> 00:34:30,813
Oh, it's an ass-load
of money.
724
00:34:30,881 --> 00:34:32,615
Dude, a couple of asses.
725
00:34:32,683 --> 00:34:34,952
Yeah.
726
00:34:35,019 --> 00:34:36,754
Okay.
727
00:34:36,821 --> 00:34:38,756
Okay.
728
00:34:38,823 --> 00:34:40,625
So, what do you want out of me?
729
00:34:42,595 --> 00:34:44,996
Come up with the plan.
730
00:34:45,064 --> 00:34:48,067
'Cause if you remember
the whole flag-stealing thing,
731
00:34:48,135 --> 00:34:49,401
that was my plan.
732
00:34:49,469 --> 00:34:51,137
That sucked.
733
00:34:51,204 --> 00:34:53,306
It had certain structural flaws.
734
00:34:53,374 --> 00:34:55,742
Yeah. Yeah.
735
00:34:55,810 --> 00:34:56,777
Okay.
736
00:34:56,844 --> 00:34:59,680
Okay. Okay.
737
00:34:59,748 --> 00:35:01,916
What we got to do
is we got to...
738
00:35:01,984 --> 00:35:04,186
- We got to go to little Germany...
- Yeah.
739
00:35:04,254 --> 00:35:06,121
And we got to break in there,
740
00:35:06,189 --> 00:35:08,657
and we got to, uh,
get the dolls,
741
00:35:08,725 --> 00:35:10,593
and we got to... we got
to bring them back here.
742
00:35:10,661 --> 00:35:12,462
So, we're gonna need
some sort of a, uh...
743
00:35:12,530 --> 00:35:13,463
truck.
744
00:35:13,531 --> 00:35:15,265
Truck.
A truck would be good.
745
00:35:15,332 --> 00:35:18,168
- Uh, one they can't trace back to us.
- Right.
746
00:35:26,345 --> 00:35:27,495
Yeah.
747
00:35:27,548 --> 00:35:28,714
You got an idea?
748
00:35:28,782 --> 00:35:31,250
I got...
Yeah, I got something.
749
00:35:31,318 --> 00:35:32,468
No, it's gone.
750
00:35:33,553 --> 00:35:38,283
All 3000 people who died in the World
Trade Center attacks were not heroes.
751
00:35:38,820 --> 00:35:40,247
They were bankers.
752
00:35:40,524 --> 00:35:43,476
People who would let nothing stand
in the way of making a quick buck.
753
00:35:43,526 --> 00:35:46,584
Why are they heroes?
Because they died?
754
00:35:46,837 --> 00:35:52,402
What about the 17 million Africans and Arabs
who have died in civil wars since 9-11.
755
00:35:52,454 --> 00:35:55,968
Is a life only of value if the media
are interested in reporting it?
756
00:35:56,018 --> 00:35:59,192
And you, sir? How many of you
Iraqis have died in the war?
757
00:35:59,242 --> 00:36:02,283
Oh, leave me alone already.
I'm a U.S. citizen.
758
00:36:02,332 --> 00:36:04,928
I have the right to peace
and quiet in my homeland.
759
00:36:04,978 --> 00:36:07,749
You see, a perfect candidate
for a 'Fuck You!'
760
00:36:08,377 --> 00:36:10,110
Fuck me? Fuck you!
761
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:12,227
- Thank you!
- You're welcome.
762
00:36:13,039 --> 00:36:16,639
That's the kind of American
citizen I'm talking about!
763
00:36:17,885 --> 00:36:19,899
He knows too much.
764
00:36:20,220 --> 00:36:22,632
Mohammed, he's crazy.
765
00:36:22,791 --> 00:36:24,592
He suspects nothing.
766
00:36:24,650 --> 00:36:26,217
I'm sorry.
767
00:36:26,284 --> 00:36:27,851
You are a good man, Habib,
768
00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,564
but we are at a critical point
in the plan,
769
00:36:31,614 --> 00:36:33,091
and we must take no chances.
770
00:36:33,159 --> 00:36:34,309
No.
771
00:36:55,952 --> 00:36:57,385
Goodbye, heaven tarts...
772
00:36:58,570 --> 00:37:00,239
sugar logs...
773
00:37:00,285 --> 00:37:03,187
powdered flakes and sweetie o's.
774
00:37:15,269 --> 00:37:17,971
Goodbye, low-calorie
fudge ice cream.
775
00:37:25,081 --> 00:37:26,715
Allah!
776
00:37:48,608 --> 00:37:50,276
How much is this?
777
00:39:47,264 --> 00:39:50,568
Harry!
778
00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:54,323
You got my money, Harry.
779
00:40:00,497 --> 00:40:03,834
What you got
for us today, Harry, huh?
780
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:09,573
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
781
00:40:09,642 --> 00:40:11,609
Harry, come on.
782
00:40:12,671 --> 00:40:14,149
Ten dollars?
783
00:40:14,296 --> 00:40:16,498
You've been out here
for two hours and...
784
00:40:16,598 --> 00:40:17,931
What did I tell you, huh?
785
00:40:18,955 --> 00:40:21,005
Fives and tens only.
786
00:40:21,357 --> 00:40:22,935
What kinda retard are you?
787
00:40:24,172 --> 00:40:28,211
I feed you, I cut
your hair, I bath you...
788
00:40:28,673 --> 00:40:31,917
every month and this is how you
fucking treat me you sons a bitch?
789
00:40:33,519 --> 00:40:34,733
Did you talk at me?
790
00:40:36,889 --> 00:40:38,990
No bath this month,
you son of a bitch.
791
00:40:48,396 --> 00:40:50,209
You need more water in your diet.
792
00:40:51,057 --> 00:40:53,360
And look at this, you
still shit in your pants.
793
00:40:53,410 --> 00:40:55,743
Just call me when you need
to change your diaper.
794
00:40:55,917 --> 00:40:57,569
I'm working too hard man.
795
00:40:57,847 --> 00:41:01,130
Now look, tomorrow's a big day.
I need you to look good.
796
00:41:01,502 --> 00:41:02,652
Alright?
797
00:41:03,814 --> 00:41:05,721
Ten dollars ain't gonna do it, Harry.
798
00:41:06,011 --> 00:41:07,995
You're gonna make me at least
twenty-three dollars tomorrow, okay?
799
00:41:08,045 --> 00:41:10,544
Can you make papa look good, huh?
Can you make papa look good?
800
00:41:10,555 --> 00:41:11,959
Alright.
801
00:41:12,432 --> 00:41:15,167
I put some extra nutrients
in your dinner.
802
00:41:15,235 --> 00:41:16,837
You're gonna like it.
803
00:41:16,904 --> 00:41:19,106
Let me see.
Come on.
804
00:41:21,143 --> 00:41:22,777
Good, isn't it?
805
00:41:22,845 --> 00:41:23,995
All righty, baby.
806
00:41:24,046 --> 00:41:26,047
Well, uh, good night.
807
00:41:26,115 --> 00:41:27,482
Big day tomorrow, okay?
808
00:41:27,549 --> 00:41:28,699
All right.
809
00:41:30,086 --> 00:41:31,286
What?
810
00:41:31,354 --> 00:41:34,524
Oh, I'm trippin'.
811
00:41:34,592 --> 00:41:36,059
Sorry, buddy.
812
00:41:36,127 --> 00:41:38,428
It does get cold in my garage
late at night.
813
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,698
All right.
814
00:41:40,766 --> 00:41:42,608
Night, Harry.
815
00:41:59,171 --> 00:42:02,072
Welcome to Little Germany
amusement park,
816
00:42:02,140 --> 00:42:05,410
Entertainment center
for Paradise city.
817
00:42:05,478 --> 00:42:08,246
Now, tomorrow the major
media event will happen...
818
00:42:09,383 --> 00:42:11,818
here at stage,
819
00:42:11,885 --> 00:42:15,355
celebrating the unveiling
of the Krotchy dolls.
820
00:42:15,423 --> 00:42:19,993
The huge international star
of "The Krotchy Show"
821
00:42:20,061 --> 00:42:21,296
will be there.
822
00:42:21,363 --> 00:42:24,299
And that is when we'll strike!
823
00:42:28,138 --> 00:42:31,073
Dave and I will be in the truck,
824
00:42:31,141 --> 00:42:33,776
accessing the employee entrance.
825
00:42:33,841 --> 00:42:38,360
Are you sure that your insider
will be able to get us inside?
826
00:42:39,691 --> 00:42:43,455
He's both a high-ranking
parking lot manager
827
00:42:44,797 --> 00:42:46,879
and a loyal member to the flock.
828
00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,241
Now, I noticed...
829
00:42:49,486 --> 00:42:54,183
there's a lot of security
between the draw-bridge and the store room.
830
00:42:54,219 --> 00:42:56,390
Now, how do we get
through unnoticed?
831
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:58,565
With a distraction.
832
00:42:58,787 --> 00:43:01,715
We're gonna fuck with the international
superstar's transportation.
833
00:43:03,073 --> 00:43:05,717
Yeah, by the time he get's there
he's gonna be so royally pissed, man.
834
00:43:05,868 --> 00:43:09,535
You know how people jump
on a V.I.P. that's pissed off.
835
00:43:09,834 --> 00:43:13,337
You are a blessing upon us,
my brother.
836
00:43:13,404 --> 00:43:16,207
It is as it was foretold
in the good book.
837
00:43:16,274 --> 00:43:19,744
"And then there will come
one amongst them,
838
00:43:19,811 --> 00:43:22,613
"an apos-tle
who carries within him
839
00:43:22,682 --> 00:43:24,616
the holy torch
of righteousness."
840
00:43:25,885 --> 00:43:28,621
"He will lead us out
of the clutches of consumerism."
841
00:43:30,224 --> 00:43:33,127
You wrote a fucking bible
for these people?
842
00:43:33,193 --> 00:43:35,628
Group "C" rappels down
843
00:43:35,697 --> 00:43:38,466
and takes the dolls
from the storeroom.
844
00:43:38,534 --> 00:43:42,104
Group "E"
must control the perimeter,
845
00:43:42,171 --> 00:43:44,473
as our intelligence indicates
846
00:43:44,541 --> 00:43:49,278
that another organization
may be after the dolls, as well.
847
00:43:54,519 --> 00:43:56,721
I'll get that.
848
00:43:59,291 --> 00:44:02,294
Bin Laden.
Hello? It's your dime.
849
00:44:02,362 --> 00:44:04,830
Osama, you old fucker.
850
00:44:04,898 --> 00:44:05,955
It's G.W.
851
00:44:06,005 --> 00:44:08,006
You know how many innocent
people we've had to torture
852
00:44:08,073 --> 00:44:09,374
trying to get a lead on you?
853
00:44:09,441 --> 00:44:10,808
So?
It's not my fault.
854
00:44:10,876 --> 00:44:12,144
What is it, Georgie?
855
00:44:12,212 --> 00:44:13,946
I, uh... kind of busy here.
856
00:44:14,014 --> 00:44:18,418
You know how pops has those
oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia?
857
00:44:18,486 --> 00:44:21,321
I'm wondering if we ought
to file an insurance claim,
858
00:44:21,389 --> 00:44:24,024
You know,
after the whole thing blows up.
859
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:26,961
All right, well,
drop me an e-mail,
860
00:44:27,029 --> 00:44:28,496
tell me what pipe
you're talking about,
861
00:44:28,563 --> 00:44:29,998
and I'll blow it
all the way to Mecca.
862
00:44:30,066 --> 00:44:31,700
We'd really appreciate it.
863
00:44:31,768 --> 00:44:33,670
I'll ask Laura
to type that up...
864
00:44:33,736 --> 00:44:36,471
You know,
me and spelling and all.
865
00:44:38,867 --> 00:44:41,569
All right, later.
866
00:44:42,875 --> 00:44:44,025
Jihad!
867
00:44:55,997 --> 00:44:58,365
First they promise me
a private jet.
868
00:44:58,464 --> 00:45:00,665
Then they send me
a freakin' bus?
869
00:45:01,515 --> 00:45:04,284
Don't they know
I'm an international superstar?
870
00:45:06,570 --> 00:45:08,204
Jesus!
871
00:45:11,409 --> 00:45:13,444
Aw, Jesus.
872
00:45:19,285 --> 00:45:22,288
Paradise 8 miles?
873
00:45:22,355 --> 00:45:24,023
God!
874
00:45:25,493 --> 00:45:27,162
Motherfuckers.
875
00:45:42,367 --> 00:45:43,543
Shotgun!
876
00:45:47,925 --> 00:45:49,075
Let's go!
877
00:46:18,187 --> 00:46:18,959
I'm telling you, Mohammed.
878
00:46:19,009 --> 00:46:21,784
I know I've seen that gas station before.
We're lost.
879
00:46:21,850 --> 00:46:23,784
We are not lost.
All gas stations look alike.
880
00:46:23,852 --> 00:46:24,919
What's wrong with you?
881
00:46:24,987 --> 00:46:27,288
Will you just pull over
and ask for directions?
882
00:46:27,339 --> 00:46:28,672
Get off my back!
883
00:46:28,741 --> 00:46:30,842
You know,
I'm doing my best here, okay?
884
00:46:30,910 --> 00:46:32,310
I should be driving.
885
00:46:32,378 --> 00:46:34,045
What, do you think
you're gonna do everything,
886
00:46:34,113 --> 00:46:36,151
be the face of the organization
and also do the driving?
887
00:46:36,183 --> 00:46:37,650
What is wrong with you, man?
888
00:47:00,686 --> 00:47:04,344
..and we'll have more on the assassination
of mayoral candidate Wells.
889
00:47:04,444 --> 00:47:05,594
But first...
890
00:47:05,603 --> 00:47:08,206
I'm here at the theme park
Little Germany
891
00:47:08,226 --> 00:47:12,324
with it's owner and controversial
film director Uwe Boll.
892
00:47:12,598 --> 00:47:17,236
Uwe, you made your fortune turning
video games into hit movies,
893
00:47:17,304 --> 00:47:19,371
but this theme park
has always been your passion,
894
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:22,242
and today is a big day
for Little Germany.
895
00:47:22,310 --> 00:47:23,943
Absolutely.
I'm totally happy
896
00:47:24,011 --> 00:47:26,147
that that freighter
went down from China
897
00:47:26,214 --> 00:47:27,448
with all the Krotchy dolls,
898
00:47:27,516 --> 00:47:30,451
So we, as the only people
in North America
899
00:47:30,519 --> 00:47:33,955
having the Krotchy dolls
exclusively here on sale.
900
00:47:43,989 --> 00:47:46,683
All right,
what is all this shit, man?
901
00:47:47,039 --> 00:47:48,098
Stupid.
902
00:47:48,148 --> 00:47:49,681
And where's the coffee?
903
00:47:50,251 --> 00:47:52,821
- Here's the coffee
- Oh, I'm sorry. You heard me?
904
00:47:52,871 --> 00:47:54,835
- I'm sorry. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
905
00:47:54,885 --> 00:47:56,434
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
906
00:47:59,381 --> 00:48:04,158
Greg, I've been doing a lot
of research about American morality.
907
00:48:04,208 --> 00:48:08,230
I'm not sure you're doing
the right thing with Harry here.
908
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:11,320
Harry? You know how I met Harry?
909
00:48:11,591 --> 00:48:13,221
You know how I met Harry?
910
00:48:13,717 --> 00:48:15,911
Me and my dog were
hiking in the hills.
911
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:19,355
This fool comes riding
down the hill on his bicycle,
912
00:48:19,448 --> 00:48:22,918
hits my dog, flies over
the handlebars, breaks his neck.
913
00:48:23,315 --> 00:48:27,377
- So you took him to the hospital?
- I took my dog to the hospital.
914
00:48:27,608 --> 00:48:30,559
Harry, I threw him in the trunk
and took him home.
915
00:48:30,609 --> 00:48:32,741
I mean the motherfucker
almost killed my dog.
916
00:48:33,530 --> 00:48:37,197
Three days later I came back,
and Harry was still alive.
917
00:48:37,943 --> 00:48:41,208
And we've been business
partners ever since.
918
00:48:41,433 --> 00:48:44,503
Ooh, Harry,
it's time to go to work.
919
00:48:44,570 --> 00:48:46,972
Get your hat on.
Let me see.
920
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:49,207
Yeah!
921
00:48:49,275 --> 00:48:50,309
Watch this. Watch this.
922
00:48:50,376 --> 00:48:52,144
Say "will work for food"
in German.
923
00:48:53,681 --> 00:48:55,014
You the shit.
924
00:48:55,082 --> 00:48:56,583
All right, go on, now.
925
00:48:56,650 --> 00:48:59,153
All right, no $1s.
926
00:48:59,220 --> 00:49:01,388
That's my motherfucker
right there.
927
00:49:01,456 --> 00:49:03,892
Watch out for the flowers.
928
00:49:04,173 --> 00:49:08,290
You know, I knew this one girl
who thought sperm was medicine.
929
00:49:08,888 --> 00:49:11,045
All she wanted to do was suck cock.
930
00:49:11,455 --> 00:49:16,128
And she got three little children, so
she used to put sperm into their bottles.
931
00:49:16,297 --> 00:49:18,293
To build up their immune system.
932
00:49:19,304 --> 00:49:21,052
They all got AIDS.
933
00:49:23,187 --> 00:49:26,169
You think she was gay?
Or they were?
934
00:49:27,864 --> 00:49:30,197
The pope wears a dress, doesn't he?
935
00:49:32,785 --> 00:49:35,446
And I'm also happy to have
today here Verne Troyer.
936
00:49:35,496 --> 00:49:36,606
Who is the star
of my next movie.
937
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:40,805
That's right, and your press release says
that that film is "a new paradigm of cinema,
938
00:49:40,855 --> 00:49:45,216
an epic romance that interweaves stories
from the past, present and future
939
00:49:45,825 --> 00:49:49,426
to relay a tale only the heart
can understand".
940
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:51,419
That's sounds amazing, what's it called?
941
00:49:51,778 --> 00:49:52,928
Pong.
942
00:49:53,295 --> 00:49:56,459
But, Bob, I want to use the situation
for something else also.
943
00:49:56,633 --> 00:49:58,500
Because, you know,
there are all the rumors out
944
00:49:58,569 --> 00:50:00,837
that my movies
are financed with Nazi gold.
945
00:50:00,905 --> 00:50:03,239
And what should I say?
It's true.
946
00:50:03,307 --> 00:50:05,375
But somebody must do something
with the money.
947
00:50:05,444 --> 00:50:08,553
Do you know that my father
died in Auschwitz?
948
00:50:08,902 --> 00:50:11,198
My grandpa died
also in Auschwitz,
949
00:50:12,860 --> 00:50:14,481
he fell from a watchtower.
950
00:50:15,452 --> 00:50:17,517
Alright, okay.
Take her away. So...
951
00:50:25,132 --> 00:50:26,532
Something wrong, Bob?
952
00:50:28,055 --> 00:50:30,691
I get a little horny here
onstage sometimes,
953
00:50:30,767 --> 00:50:32,968
if I see a crowd
and all the children.
954
00:50:33,568 --> 00:50:35,109
Are you fucking kidding me?
955
00:50:45,972 --> 00:50:47,806
Master, allow me.
956
00:50:59,220 --> 00:51:01,154
What about me?
957
00:51:01,222 --> 00:51:03,557
Do your job.
958
00:51:03,842 --> 00:51:04,992
Stupid.
959
00:51:05,892 --> 00:51:07,963
Oh, what, are you gonna fire me?
960
00:51:08,042 --> 00:51:09,576
For saying "fuck"?
961
00:51:09,645 --> 00:51:11,713
Well, fucky-fuck-fuck you, Dan.
962
00:51:11,780 --> 00:51:14,617
I'm the fucking show.
You mind if I go to work now?
963
00:51:15,209 --> 00:51:17,778
Thank you.
964
00:51:17,846 --> 00:51:20,950
Five, four...
I got shit in my teeth?
965
00:51:21,016 --> 00:51:22,451
Thank you.
966
00:51:22,848 --> 00:51:25,016
Hi, we're live in Little Germany
in Paradise.
967
00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:26,619
It's an amazing sight.
968
00:51:26,687 --> 00:51:28,454
The crowd
is trembling with excitement.
969
00:51:28,522 --> 00:51:30,891
People have been lining up
for days to be the first
970
00:51:30,959 --> 00:51:34,128
to get their hands
on the coveted Krotchy dolls.
971
00:51:34,304 --> 00:51:36,369
Over to you on the red
carpet, Gayle.
972
00:51:37,517 --> 00:51:40,781
Thanks, Bob.
It really is incredible here.
973
00:51:40,890 --> 00:51:46,630
As you know international superstar, Verne
Troyer, will be arriving any moment now.
974
00:51:46,680 --> 00:51:50,595
He's the voice of Krotchy
in the cartoons and the video game.
975
00:51:58,026 --> 00:51:59,493
Ladies...
976
00:51:59,562 --> 00:52:01,796
Today we do God's work,
977
00:52:01,864 --> 00:52:04,200
so get in there
and give those boys a God job.
978
00:52:04,630 --> 00:52:07,232
Yes, sir.
979
00:52:09,217 --> 00:52:10,784
Hi, boys.
980
00:52:12,922 --> 00:52:16,525
Uh-oh.
Looks like I'm gonna get a burn.
981
00:52:17,594 --> 00:52:18,827
Oops.
982
00:52:26,552 --> 00:52:28,922
Oh, God.
983
00:52:28,972 --> 00:52:30,072
They're so creepy.
984
00:52:30,140 --> 00:52:31,441
Yeah, so?
985
00:52:31,509 --> 00:52:33,443
Come on, boys!
986
00:52:33,511 --> 00:52:35,879
Can you guys give me a hand?
987
00:52:35,947 --> 00:52:38,916
Okay.
Let's go.
988
00:52:38,984 --> 00:52:40,384
Come on, boys.
989
00:52:41,854 --> 00:52:43,755
Come here.
990
00:52:56,979 --> 00:52:58,722
Oh, yes!
991
00:52:58,789 --> 00:53:01,324
Oh, you sexy little
motherfucker.
992
00:53:03,362 --> 00:53:05,930
Gayle, is that Verne's limo?
993
00:53:05,998 --> 00:53:08,666
Uh, I can't see, Bob.
994
00:53:08,735 --> 00:53:12,504
There seems to be a pickup truck
in the way.
995
00:53:12,572 --> 00:53:15,408
A pickup truck?
996
00:53:15,476 --> 00:53:16,676
Well, that's classy.
997
00:53:20,148 --> 00:53:21,448
Yo, man.
998
00:53:27,924 --> 00:53:31,893
I just can't possibly explain
how... how unbelievably sorry
999
00:53:31,961 --> 00:53:33,028
we are, Mr. Troyer.
1000
00:53:33,096 --> 00:53:35,064
I personally will take
full responsibility
1001
00:53:35,132 --> 00:53:36,532
for this confusion
with the pickup.
1002
00:53:36,600 --> 00:53:37,467
I don't want you fired.
1003
00:53:37,514 --> 00:53:39,147
I want your fucking boss fired.
1004
00:53:39,484 --> 00:53:41,829
This is Anne Frank, Go Hitler 2.
1005
00:53:41,879 --> 00:53:43,083
- Copy?
- Ja.
1006
00:53:43,133 --> 00:53:45,191
I'm in position.
1007
00:53:45,292 --> 00:53:47,810
V.I.P. is arriving as we speak.
1008
00:53:48,083 --> 00:53:49,524
Why do you sound all queer?
1009
00:53:49,550 --> 00:53:52,310
I'm using a German
accent, I'm undercover.
1010
00:53:52,335 --> 00:53:53,485
Stop it!
1011
00:53:54,331 --> 00:53:57,721
- He's kinda retarded, huh?
- Yeah. He's very loyal.
1012
00:53:58,686 --> 00:54:00,190
Retards are, really.
1013
00:54:01,095 --> 00:54:02,258
Ladies.
1014
00:54:02,285 --> 00:54:04,103
So, what did you
do with the guards?
1015
00:54:04,197 --> 00:54:05,664
They're all worn out.
1016
00:54:09,584 --> 00:54:10,879
What happened?
1017
00:54:10,968 --> 00:54:12,238
What is it?
1018
00:54:12,427 --> 00:54:14,432
He did a poo-poo in my mouth.
1019
00:54:14,529 --> 00:54:17,382
Aww, baby. Come here.
Come here, baby. Listen to me.
1020
00:54:17,914 --> 00:54:19,492
Listen. Listen to me.
1021
00:54:20,136 --> 00:54:23,597
Don't whine, it's very
unattractive, okay.
1022
00:54:23,647 --> 00:54:25,238
I tell you this
because I love you.
1023
00:54:25,343 --> 00:54:27,993
Alright?
There we go, come on.
1024
00:54:28,035 --> 00:54:29,402
All right.
Okay, ladies.
1025
00:54:30,194 --> 00:54:32,963
Get to work
on lifting the crates.
1026
00:54:33,030 --> 00:54:35,070
This is great.
That means that...
1027
00:54:35,616 --> 00:54:38,636
The whole park is busy
with the pissed-off V.I.P.
1028
00:54:38,819 --> 00:54:42,153
- That means my plan is genius!
- Yeah.
1029
00:54:43,791 --> 00:54:45,355
Y'all look very pretty.
1030
00:54:47,844 --> 00:54:49,745
Come on, cowboy up.
Cowboy up!
1031
00:55:10,116 --> 00:55:11,951
It's locked.
1032
00:55:15,823 --> 00:55:17,551
Call the building manager.
1033
00:55:18,151 --> 00:55:20,610
I don't have his number.
You have his number?
1034
00:55:20,636 --> 00:55:21,996
I don't have his number?
1035
00:55:22,682 --> 00:55:24,332
There must be another way in!
1036
00:55:45,081 --> 00:55:46,916
Where's my money, asswipe?
1037
00:55:46,991 --> 00:55:48,658
I have even better...
1038
00:55:48,727 --> 00:55:50,720
Gold teeth.
1039
00:55:51,046 --> 00:55:53,135
Wait a second,
that one is from Schlomo Wasserstein.
1040
00:55:53,185 --> 00:55:55,952
I personally took it from him,
I might take it back.
1041
00:55:56,630 --> 00:55:58,364
Hello, Paradise.
1042
00:56:00,802 --> 00:56:02,040
Help me, Krotchy.
1043
00:56:02,090 --> 00:56:04,071
I'm a beautiful lady.
Help me.
1044
00:56:04,139 --> 00:56:05,939
Well, you know
what the good and noble Krotchy
1045
00:56:06,008 --> 00:56:07,375
says about people in need.
1046
00:56:07,443 --> 00:56:10,111
Only my father and
my priest can touch me there.
1047
00:56:12,349 --> 00:56:13,549
Uncle Dave, look out!
1048
00:56:13,617 --> 00:56:15,684
What the fuck?
1049
00:56:15,752 --> 00:56:17,454
Get to the truck.
We'll meet you out front.
1050
00:56:17,522 --> 00:56:18,755
Come on!
1051
00:56:18,823 --> 00:56:21,124
Anne Frank, you better have
some chaos out there.
1052
00:56:21,192 --> 00:56:22,342
We're coming your way!
1053
00:56:24,263 --> 00:56:26,297
This is Anne Frank.
Abort mission!
1054
00:56:26,365 --> 00:56:29,066
You come down here,
you'll be arrested in a second!
1055
00:56:29,134 --> 00:56:31,736
You are the envy
of the entire country.
1056
00:56:31,820 --> 00:56:32,787
Give us the doll...
1057
00:56:32,866 --> 00:56:34,440
Anne Frank,
we need a distraction.
1058
00:56:34,507 --> 00:56:36,875
We need a distraction now!
1059
00:56:39,820 --> 00:56:41,629
The fat man is at the buffet.
1060
00:56:41,960 --> 00:56:42,645
What?
1061
00:56:42,704 --> 00:56:46,644
- Repeat, the fat man is at the buffet.
- What the hell are you talking about?
1062
00:56:46,894 --> 00:56:48,709
The van is here, you idiot.
1063
00:56:48,981 --> 00:56:50,681
You are the first city
1064
00:56:50,749 --> 00:56:54,219
to receive
the officially licensed...
1065
00:56:54,287 --> 00:56:55,687
Krotchy doll.
1066
00:56:58,893 --> 00:57:02,096
Oh, powerful lord, hear my plea.
1067
00:57:03,956 --> 00:57:04,864
Boll, I'm Vince Desi.
1068
00:57:04,933 --> 00:57:06,701
What the fuck did you do
to my game "Postal"?
1069
00:57:06,768 --> 00:57:08,302
I don't know
what your fucking problem is.
1070
00:57:08,370 --> 00:57:09,704
The movie is great.
1071
00:57:13,874 --> 00:57:15,092
Oh, shit!
1072
00:57:20,718 --> 00:57:24,855
Officers, you realize there's a huge
fight going on onstage right now?
1073
00:57:24,923 --> 00:57:26,390
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1074
00:57:26,811 --> 00:57:28,230
Okay.
1075
00:57:29,048 --> 00:57:32,205
Twenty bucks on the ballsack.
Who wants some action?
1076
00:57:32,255 --> 00:57:33,724
- Yeah, baby!
- I got that.
1077
00:57:33,774 --> 00:57:35,093
Hold on, wait, wait.
1078
00:57:36,090 --> 00:57:37,342
Wohlsein!
1079
00:57:40,309 --> 00:57:43,245
Anne Frank,
we're coming your way now!
1080
00:57:45,359 --> 00:57:46,927
Party's over.
1081
00:57:46,995 --> 00:57:48,597
Freaking Nazi motherfucker!
1082
00:57:48,646 --> 00:57:49,580
Get your hands off me!
1083
00:57:49,642 --> 00:57:50,792
For video games!
1084
00:57:52,378 --> 00:57:54,346
No!
He shot Harry!
1085
00:57:58,018 --> 00:57:59,252
Son of a bitch!
1086
00:58:05,561 --> 00:58:07,261
Be careful.
1087
00:58:13,384 --> 00:58:15,852
Harry! I'm gonna come
and help you, baby!
1088
00:58:41,516 --> 00:58:44,184
I hate video games.
1089
00:58:50,188 --> 00:58:52,222
Let's get the hell out of here!
1090
00:59:18,613 --> 00:59:20,147
Get out of the way!
1091
00:59:23,585 --> 00:59:24,985
Oh! My shit!
1092
00:59:25,054 --> 00:59:26,321
I'm so sorry!
1093
00:59:26,389 --> 00:59:28,278
- What are you doing with my shit?
- I'm a huge fan.
1094
00:59:28,324 --> 00:59:30,325
- Let me give you a hand with that.
- Leave it alone.
1095
00:59:30,393 --> 00:59:32,360
I had no idea you be c...
1096
00:59:32,429 --> 00:59:34,697
- A dildo on a stick? That's crazy!
- That's mine.
1097
00:59:36,433 --> 00:59:38,106
Let me see if I can help
you get everything in!
1098
00:59:38,107 --> 00:59:39,257
What are you doing?
1099
00:59:40,171 --> 00:59:42,472
Jesus!
1100
00:59:42,540 --> 00:59:44,041
What the fuck?!
1101
00:59:44,109 --> 00:59:46,410
God damn!
1102
00:59:46,411 --> 00:59:47,845
What...
1103
00:59:47,913 --> 00:59:50,949
God...
I'm in my fucking suitcase.
1104
00:59:54,454 --> 00:59:55,421
Richard, what the fuck?
1105
00:59:55,489 --> 00:59:56,639
It's a present.
1106
00:59:57,491 --> 00:59:59,592
Hey! Assholes!
1107
01:00:07,236 --> 01:00:08,937
Coffee shop.
1108
01:00:09,005 --> 01:00:10,438
Lattes, no foam.
1109
01:00:10,506 --> 01:00:13,376
Yeah.
1110
01:00:13,443 --> 01:00:15,111
Uh, I got to go.
1111
01:00:24,333 --> 01:00:25,734
Why did you bring him?
1112
01:00:25,852 --> 01:00:27,520
Mind your own business
and get us out of here!
1113
01:00:27,587 --> 01:00:29,622
Shut up, you big crybaby.
1114
01:00:32,672 --> 01:00:33,648
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
1115
01:00:33,659 --> 01:00:34,916
Hey!
1116
01:00:35,020 --> 01:00:37,454
Move, move, move, move, move.
Go, go, go.
1117
01:00:42,359 --> 01:00:43,759
Let's go, baby.
1118
01:00:46,210 --> 01:00:48,778
Where is... the damn key?
1119
01:00:48,846 --> 01:00:50,714
You don't have the keys?
1120
01:00:50,781 --> 01:00:52,582
I thought you had the keys.
1121
01:00:59,169 --> 01:01:00,636
It's like when you were a kid.
1122
01:01:00,704 --> 01:01:02,738
- Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps.
- Oh.
1123
01:01:02,807 --> 01:01:03,874
Mohammed.
1124
01:01:03,941 --> 01:01:06,843
You're under arrest!
1125
01:01:06,911 --> 01:01:08,912
You killed Harry!
1126
01:01:08,981 --> 01:01:11,415
Start shooting, John.
Do something. Shit!
1127
01:01:12,851 --> 01:01:14,920
Harry wasn't hurting nobody.
1128
01:01:16,792 --> 01:01:19,419
What the fuck am I gonna do
with all those damn diapers I bought him?
1129
01:01:20,503 --> 01:01:21,770
Good God!
1130
01:01:22,696 --> 01:01:24,456
You're stepping on my thing!
1131
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:28,502
Brother Tarik knows
one of the offenders female cohorts.
1132
01:01:28,580 --> 01:01:32,745
Already, he is on his way to their residence
to intercept and capture them.
1133
01:01:32,835 --> 01:01:34,135
Allah be praised!
1134
01:01:34,237 --> 01:01:38,207
Now you will give your lives
to avenge this outrage.
1135
01:01:39,055 --> 01:01:41,990
Or we could just kill
the other guys.
1136
01:01:42,466 --> 01:01:43,616
Yeah!
1137
01:02:00,533 --> 01:02:02,667
Jesus Christ,
can you control this thing?
1138
01:02:02,736 --> 01:02:04,036
Yes!
1139
01:02:05,472 --> 01:02:07,374
Watch where you're going!
1140
01:02:08,443 --> 01:02:09,593
Oh, god.
1141
01:02:15,451 --> 01:02:18,587
It's the moo cow
from the welfare office.
1142
01:02:18,654 --> 01:02:20,222
"Sorry, we're closed."
1143
01:02:20,290 --> 01:02:21,690
Bitch!
1144
01:02:24,794 --> 01:02:25,944
What was that?
1145
01:02:31,969 --> 01:02:35,473
I thought we had a flat,
but we just ran over some girl.
1146
01:02:35,740 --> 01:02:38,275
Whew! Thank god.
1147
01:02:38,344 --> 01:02:40,078
Got a body on maple.
1148
01:02:40,146 --> 01:02:43,316
Tag 22, please repeat
your location.
1149
01:02:43,383 --> 01:02:45,751
Maple, like the syrup.
1150
01:02:46,365 --> 01:02:48,734
Oh, this is fucking fantastic.
1151
01:02:48,779 --> 01:02:51,748
Oh, my God,
these kids are heavy!
1152
01:02:52,535 --> 01:02:54,103
Okay.
All right.
1153
01:02:54,171 --> 01:02:56,205
Gary! Wait.
1154
01:02:56,273 --> 01:02:57,474
Just wait.
Wait.
1155
01:02:57,542 --> 01:02:59,543
Oh, yeah.
1156
01:02:59,610 --> 01:03:00,544
Okay.
1157
01:03:00,611 --> 01:03:02,312
Roll it, Gary.
1158
01:03:02,380 --> 01:03:04,114
Make me a star.
1159
01:03:06,467 --> 01:03:10,839
This is Gayle Ravenson reporting
live from Little Germany theme park,
1160
01:03:10,900 --> 01:03:12,201
on what will forevermore
1161
01:03:12,268 --> 01:03:15,505
be known as the place
where the laughter died.
1162
01:03:15,573 --> 01:03:20,945
Celebrity icon Verne Troyer
is currently missing or presumed dead.
1163
01:03:21,012 --> 01:03:23,547
The coward responsible
for this massacre
1164
01:03:23,615 --> 01:03:27,052
has been described as
a rodent-like man with red hair
1165
01:03:27,120 --> 01:03:29,087
and wearing
a "peace" T-shirt.
1166
01:03:30,007 --> 01:03:31,475
Back to you, Bob.
1167
01:03:31,543 --> 01:03:32,910
Oh, that's right.
1168
01:03:32,978 --> 01:03:34,878
You're dead.
1169
01:03:34,947 --> 01:03:37,315
These kids
are starting to smell.
1170
01:03:39,970 --> 01:03:42,940
I can't believe
I took this fucking job.
1171
01:03:42,956 --> 01:03:44,556
Fucking bullshit.
1172
01:03:44,653 --> 01:03:46,156
God damn it.
1173
01:03:47,257 --> 01:03:49,024
This helps.
1174
01:03:49,092 --> 01:03:50,893
Definitely helps.
1175
01:03:59,537 --> 01:04:01,572
We need to get him
inside immediately,
1176
01:04:01,640 --> 01:04:03,374
- along with the merchandise!
- Yes.
1177
01:04:03,441 --> 01:04:05,677
Jesus titty-fuck,
they're already here.
1178
01:04:05,745 --> 01:04:06,845
Now what do we do?
1179
01:04:06,913 --> 01:04:08,680
That was the safest place
in all of Paradise.
1180
01:04:08,748 --> 01:04:10,081
You guys don't have
like a bomb shelter
1181
01:04:10,149 --> 01:04:11,684
or a basement or something,
you know,
1182
01:04:11,752 --> 01:04:13,532
that the Taliban couldn't
have found themselves, right?
1183
01:04:13,586 --> 01:04:14,941
- No, we don't.
- We do.
1184
01:04:14,967 --> 01:04:16,806
- What?
- We do.
1185
01:04:16,858 --> 01:04:20,695
There's a massive underground
shelter beneath the main compound.
1186
01:04:20,762 --> 01:04:21,995
It's perfect.
1187
01:04:22,063 --> 01:04:23,564
You know what would be perfect?
1188
01:04:23,632 --> 01:04:25,066
My foot up your ass.
1189
01:04:26,835 --> 01:04:28,804
Who the fuck are you people?
1190
01:04:28,872 --> 01:04:30,606
What the fuck
did you bring him for?
1191
01:04:30,674 --> 01:04:32,408
You'll see, Uncle Dave.
1192
01:04:32,475 --> 01:04:35,478
Do you think we can sneak him
past the Taliban without them finding out?
1193
01:04:36,181 --> 01:04:38,291
We can try, but what would we do
about the truck?
1194
01:04:38,367 --> 01:04:39,282
I'll take care of the truck.
1195
01:04:39,332 --> 01:04:41,480
Wait a minute, why don't I know
about this shelter, Richie?
1196
01:04:41,573 --> 01:04:44,008
And where the fuck are
you gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?
1197
01:04:44,076 --> 01:04:45,276
In plain sight.
1198
01:04:45,344 --> 01:04:46,911
Somebody grab the little guy.
1199
01:04:46,980 --> 01:04:48,413
Come on, little guy.
1200
01:04:48,481 --> 01:04:50,415
What the fuck's going on?
1201
01:04:50,483 --> 01:04:51,416
Come on.
1202
01:04:51,484 --> 01:04:52,685
Okay.
Shut up.
1203
01:04:52,753 --> 01:04:54,020
Come on.
1204
01:04:54,637 --> 01:04:58,174
Citizens of this great nation...
1205
01:04:58,240 --> 01:04:59,574
Town...
1206
01:05:00,662 --> 01:05:04,576
be on the lookout for this
psychopathic, deranged killer,
1207
01:05:04,732 --> 01:05:06,102
also known as...
1208
01:05:06,152 --> 01:05:07,372
Postal Dude.
1209
01:05:07,598 --> 01:05:08,983
Postal Dude.
1210
01:05:09,051 --> 01:05:11,419
That's the best
we could come up... Postal Dude.
1211
01:05:11,487 --> 01:05:13,655
He's wanted in conjunction
with the kidnapping,
1212
01:05:13,722 --> 01:05:15,591
the shooting
at the welfare office...
1213
01:05:15,659 --> 01:05:17,660
the assassination
of candidate Wells...
1214
01:05:17,727 --> 01:05:19,128
and killing a Chinese woman.
1215
01:05:19,195 --> 01:05:22,465
He killed
a poor, innocent Chinese lady.
1216
01:05:22,533 --> 01:05:23,767
So, if you see him...
1217
01:05:23,834 --> 01:05:25,502
You ever just have
one of those days?
1218
01:05:25,570 --> 01:05:27,337
Mm, no.
1219
01:05:27,406 --> 01:05:28,506
Hey! Hey!
1220
01:05:28,574 --> 01:05:30,107
The Postal Dude!
1221
01:05:30,175 --> 01:05:31,108
Get him!
1222
01:05:31,176 --> 01:05:32,326
Hey, come on!
1223
01:05:33,966 --> 01:05:36,834
Uh, I don't think that's him.
1224
01:05:36,903 --> 01:05:39,738
See how his hair flows, though?
1225
01:05:39,806 --> 01:05:42,074
This guy looks more like Jesus.
1226
01:05:46,247 --> 01:05:47,814
Shit. Shit.
1227
01:05:47,882 --> 01:05:49,350
Shit, shit, shit.
1228
01:05:50,153 --> 01:05:51,654
Let's go!
1229
01:05:51,659 --> 01:05:53,060
Thank you!
1230
01:05:54,829 --> 01:05:56,331
Get him!
Come on!
1231
01:05:56,399 --> 01:05:58,333
Hey, which way did he go?
1232
01:05:58,401 --> 01:05:59,567
This way!
1233
01:06:00,937 --> 01:06:02,738
Why did you help him?
1234
01:06:02,768 --> 01:06:04,269
Want to clean the windows again?
1235
01:06:04,337 --> 01:06:06,237
Yeah, fuck.
1236
01:06:21,323 --> 01:06:22,724
Hold it!
1237
01:06:23,388 --> 01:06:25,389
Up against the wall now!
1238
01:06:27,094 --> 01:06:30,330
Look like I bagged me
the Postal Dude.
1239
01:06:32,533 --> 01:06:34,568
God damn!
1240
01:06:34,635 --> 01:06:36,704
You son of a bitch!
1241
01:06:36,772 --> 01:06:38,940
I think you busted my nose!
1242
01:06:39,008 --> 01:06:41,175
Ohh, fuck!
1243
01:06:41,243 --> 01:06:43,712
You fucking asshole!
1244
01:06:43,780 --> 01:06:45,147
I'm gonna fuck you up!
1245
01:06:46,549 --> 01:06:48,650
Sorry.
1246
01:06:53,791 --> 01:06:55,393
I think he went that way!
1247
01:07:02,402 --> 01:07:05,671
No wonder cops are crabby.
This weighs a fucking ton.
1248
01:07:05,738 --> 01:07:08,274
Handcuffs... those are cool.
1249
01:07:08,342 --> 01:07:10,510
What is that?
Is that like a flashlight?
1250
01:07:10,577 --> 01:07:12,145
Pepper spray.
1251
01:07:12,212 --> 01:07:13,480
Pepper spray is neat.
1252
01:07:13,548 --> 01:07:15,582
Officer!
1253
01:07:15,650 --> 01:07:19,187
Paul Lipscombe, neighborhood
watchdog group, Chapter 232.
1254
01:07:19,255 --> 01:07:21,289
Good job, citizen.
1255
01:07:21,357 --> 01:07:22,824
Did you see the Postal Dude?
1256
01:07:22,892 --> 01:07:24,727
Yes, uh, yes.
1257
01:07:24,795 --> 01:07:26,195
He went down thataway.
1258
01:07:26,263 --> 01:07:27,296
Right.
1259
01:07:27,364 --> 01:07:29,865
Citizens united,
let's get this fucker!
1260
01:07:29,933 --> 01:07:31,467
Get him!
1261
01:07:36,638 --> 01:07:39,649
Wow, a live-action Krotchy movie.
1262
01:07:39,750 --> 01:07:41,167
That sounds so great.
1263
01:07:41,217 --> 01:07:44,622
Yeah, it would be if we could
find the right leading lady.
1264
01:07:44,673 --> 01:07:47,712
I don't suppose any of you
girls could be actresses?
1265
01:07:47,762 --> 01:07:49,756
- Oh, I am. I am.
- Me, me. Me.
1266
01:07:49,806 --> 01:07:51,659
I have way more credits
than she does.
1267
01:07:53,360 --> 01:07:54,510
Nice outfit.
1268
01:07:55,268 --> 01:07:58,338
Like you couldn't be
more of an ass already.
1269
01:07:58,405 --> 01:07:59,673
You look like a penguin.
1270
01:07:59,741 --> 01:08:01,808
So, I dropped the junk off.
1271
01:08:02,384 --> 01:08:06,121
Now, where is
that underground shelter place?
1272
01:08:06,877 --> 01:08:09,011
Go through the bedroom.
1273
01:08:09,080 --> 01:08:10,230
Yeah, the... okay.
1274
01:08:11,282 --> 01:08:12,583
All right, all right,
I'm going in.
1275
01:08:12,651 --> 01:08:13,818
All right.
1276
01:08:13,886 --> 01:08:15,854
All right, I'm going in.
Stay.
1277
01:08:20,155 --> 01:08:22,773
- Have you heard from Osama?
- No.
1278
01:08:22,824 --> 01:08:25,192
- Heard from the truck?
- No.
1279
01:08:25,260 --> 01:08:27,195
- Have you seen the dog?
- No!
1280
01:08:27,263 --> 01:08:28,396
- Do you know anything?
- I don't know.
1281
01:08:28,464 --> 01:08:29,531
You are stupid!
1282
01:08:29,598 --> 01:08:30,765
Mohammed, I'm sorry.
1283
01:08:30,833 --> 01:08:31,983
Stupid...
1284
01:08:46,913 --> 01:08:51,037
Lauren Calcutt, insider trading
of over three million dollars.
1285
01:08:51,719 --> 01:08:54,977
Linda Monteill, kicked
her neighbours dog,
1286
01:08:55,164 --> 01:08:56,790
we'll have more on my investigation
1287
01:08:56,790 --> 01:08:59,325
as to why the World Trade
Center victims deserved to die,
1288
01:08:59,394 --> 01:09:00,717
after the break.
1289
01:09:01,481 --> 01:09:03,472
Discouraged
by the inability to stem the...
1290
01:09:08,424 --> 01:09:11,059
prevents the continent
from having any further contact
1291
01:09:11,146 --> 01:09:12,913
with the rest of the planet.
1292
01:09:12,981 --> 01:09:14,448
According to leading experts,
1293
01:09:14,536 --> 01:09:17,978
video games are the number-one
cause of violence in children.
1294
01:09:17,992 --> 01:09:21,869
Heavy metal music, horror movies
and nipple piercings are also to blame.
1295
01:09:28,998 --> 01:09:31,099
Psst!
Puss, puss, puss.
1296
01:09:31,167 --> 01:09:32,934
Here, you stupid cat.
1297
01:09:53,388 --> 01:09:55,155
Good kitty.
1298
01:09:58,661 --> 01:10:00,929
Come on. Come on.
1299
01:10:04,735 --> 01:10:06,535
Stay low.
1300
01:10:06,603 --> 01:10:08,237
I already am.
1301
01:10:08,306 --> 01:10:09,456
Go. Go, go, go.
1302
01:10:16,882 --> 01:10:20,152
Let's go. Come on.
Up, up, up, up, up, up.
1303
01:10:20,367 --> 01:10:22,701
Get him.
Get him. Get him.
1304
01:10:25,595 --> 01:10:26,996
Line up, my sexies.
1305
01:10:27,063 --> 01:10:30,333
That includes you, too,
Mr. Troyer.
1306
01:10:31,836 --> 01:10:34,939
Jenny, would you mind
opening it?
1307
01:10:35,007 --> 01:10:38,042
My pleasure.
1308
01:10:38,110 --> 01:10:40,044
Jenny, you, too, huh?
1309
01:10:40,112 --> 01:10:41,980
Am I the only fucking person
1310
01:10:42,048 --> 01:10:45,384
who didn't know there was a bomb
shelter underneath my bedroom?
1311
01:10:45,451 --> 01:10:49,055
It's not a bomb shelter,
Uncle Dave.
1312
01:10:51,692 --> 01:10:54,193
I can't believe
this fucking shit.
1313
01:10:54,262 --> 01:10:56,463
It's a god shelter.
1314
01:11:00,603 --> 01:11:02,637
Richie, what the fuck is this?
1315
01:11:02,705 --> 01:11:03,872
This is amazing.
1316
01:11:03,940 --> 01:11:05,341
This is a shithole.
1317
01:11:06,710 --> 01:11:08,511
What is all this for?
1318
01:11:08,579 --> 01:11:11,715
Dave's bible,
Chapter 11, Psalm 23...
1319
01:11:11,783 --> 01:11:14,051
"and in the end,
the fire and the plagues
1320
01:11:14,118 --> 01:11:16,053
"will come
at the behest of the Lord,
1321
01:11:16,120 --> 01:11:18,356
"and the sores and the boils,
1322
01:11:18,424 --> 01:11:21,292
"and the intestinal ulcers
and testicular tumors
1323
01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:24,997
shall befall all of humanity"...
1324
01:11:25,065 --> 01:11:29,970
except for those who hide
like rabbits below the ground.
1325
01:11:30,091 --> 01:11:30,751
I can't believe this.
1326
01:11:30,801 --> 01:11:33,734
You guys build this all by yourself
just because I wrote that shit?
1327
01:11:34,480 --> 01:11:37,233
I am of true faith, uncle Dave.
1328
01:11:37,876 --> 01:11:39,836
Even if you are not.
1329
01:11:41,157 --> 01:11:43,560
Hey, this is pretty sweet.
You ever, uh, fire...
1330
01:11:43,744 --> 01:11:45,679
Don't touch anything!
1331
01:11:47,115 --> 01:11:51,720
We will need every bullet
for the end of all things.
1332
01:11:52,188 --> 01:11:56,659
That's great, Richie. But right now
we've got a problem, all right?
1333
01:11:56,746 --> 01:11:59,381
My house is full of a bunch
of fucking religious fanatics
1334
01:11:59,463 --> 01:12:01,831
who think they're gonna be the
chosen people at the end of the world.
1335
01:12:01,900 --> 01:12:03,567
- As opposed to...
- Shut the fuck up.
1336
01:12:03,635 --> 01:12:04,969
Why don't you shut the fuck up?
1337
01:12:05,036 --> 01:12:06,871
You don't think I'll come over there?
I'll come over there.
1338
01:12:06,939 --> 01:12:08,940
I'll stick this finger
up your ass.
1339
01:12:09,008 --> 01:12:10,475
Yeah, you
and what fucking ladder?
1340
01:12:10,543 --> 01:12:11,978
- I'll get you.
- I'll fucking...
1341
01:12:12,045 --> 01:12:12,979
Take this.
1342
01:12:13,046 --> 01:12:14,113
God damn.
1343
01:12:14,181 --> 01:12:15,815
Richie, the point is...
1344
01:12:15,883 --> 01:12:18,886
We don't need to be worried
about the end right now, okay?
1345
01:12:18,953 --> 01:12:22,323
We just need to take those guns,
go upstairs, kill some motherfuckers,
1346
01:12:22,399 --> 01:12:24,233
get my merchandise back,
1347
01:12:24,740 --> 01:12:27,643
sell it so we can pay off
the IRS, all right?
1348
01:12:27,685 --> 01:12:30,988
Not gonna sell the merchandise,
Uncle Dave.
1349
01:12:31,056 --> 01:12:32,323
What?!
1350
01:12:32,391 --> 01:12:34,825
I am sorry to inform you,
1351
01:12:34,893 --> 01:12:37,629
but that was never part
of the plan.
1352
01:12:43,837 --> 01:12:46,639
So, what is the plan?
1353
01:12:46,707 --> 01:12:49,943
To end the world, of course.
1354
01:12:50,011 --> 01:12:52,846
You guys have issues, man.
1355
01:12:52,914 --> 01:12:54,481
Did you know about this?
1356
01:12:54,550 --> 01:12:56,651
- No, I didn't fucking know about this.
- But he works for you.
1357
01:12:56,719 --> 01:12:57,652
Apparently not.
1358
01:12:57,720 --> 01:12:59,487
Dah!
I can hear you.
1359
01:13:00,449 --> 01:13:01,950
Richie...
1360
01:13:02,017 --> 01:13:03,852
Richie...
1361
01:13:06,256 --> 01:13:08,291
Now it is time
for the rest of you
1362
01:13:08,358 --> 01:13:11,094
to know the full extent
of our plan.
1363
01:13:11,162 --> 01:13:15,700
This is why we need
the Krotchy dolls.
1364
01:13:15,767 --> 01:13:19,103
What happens up my ass
stays up my ass.
1365
01:13:20,939 --> 01:13:23,874
The Avian Bird Flu...
1366
01:13:23,943 --> 01:13:29,182
The plague for which
the western devil has no cure.
1367
01:13:29,250 --> 01:13:30,783
If these dolls
1368
01:13:30,851 --> 01:13:33,954
are to be distributed
throughout the United States,
1369
01:13:34,022 --> 01:13:36,457
there will be
death and destruction
1370
01:13:36,524 --> 01:13:38,360
beyond all comprehension!
1371
01:13:38,426 --> 01:13:41,096
Yeah!
1372
01:13:41,163 --> 01:13:43,398
That is what I'm talkin' about.
1373
01:13:45,274 --> 01:13:48,149
Hi, I'm Krotchy, I'm a boner.
1374
01:13:48,902 --> 01:13:51,938
So, to make a long story short,
1375
01:13:52,006 --> 01:13:54,374
the Taliban wanted
to get ahold of the flu,
1376
01:13:54,442 --> 01:13:56,943
and ma-na na-na na-na na-na Na,
and they were gonna spread it.
1377
01:13:57,396 --> 01:13:59,663
Those fuckers wanna
spread the bird flu!
1378
01:14:01,261 --> 01:14:03,554
Wait, but how did you know?
1379
01:14:04,862 --> 01:14:08,240
Oh, wait a minute! Yeah,
I knew I seen you before.
1380
01:14:08,290 --> 01:14:12,043
You were at the coffee
shop with that Arab dude.
1381
01:14:12,155 --> 01:14:13,251
Bingo.
1382
01:14:13,301 --> 01:14:16,623
She was sleeping with the terrorist
to discover their plan.
1383
01:14:16,740 --> 01:14:19,682
- Undercover reconnaissance.
- With your vagina.
1384
01:14:19,732 --> 01:14:22,838
- I took one for the team.
- You took a lot more than one, honey.
1385
01:14:23,787 --> 01:14:25,488
Whatever.
I mean, we stopped them, right?
1386
01:14:25,553 --> 01:14:26,520
We're good.
1387
01:14:26,597 --> 01:14:27,964
Exactly!
1388
01:14:28,032 --> 01:14:29,199
We stopped them...
1389
01:14:29,267 --> 01:14:31,202
so that we could do it
our own way.
1390
01:14:31,270 --> 01:14:32,637
What?
1391
01:14:32,704 --> 01:14:36,608
See, they only wanted to spread
it in the United States,
1392
01:14:36,676 --> 01:14:40,479
but in order to fulfill
the prophecy in Dave's bible,
1393
01:14:40,547 --> 01:14:44,284
We must wipe out
the entire planet.
1394
01:14:44,351 --> 01:14:46,286
He's fucking nuts.
1395
01:14:50,194 --> 01:14:51,922
Sorry, sweetie.
God's orders.
1396
01:14:53,702 --> 01:14:54,852
Come on!
1397
01:14:54,959 --> 01:14:58,426
Yeah, look Richie. I don't
care how fucked up I was.
1398
01:14:59,020 --> 01:15:01,920
I never wrote anything about killing
everybody with bird flu.
1399
01:15:01,974 --> 01:15:03,738
Not precisely.
1400
01:15:04,003 --> 01:15:06,895
But when I read between the lines.
1401
01:15:07,915 --> 01:15:10,649
I felt confident
that that's what you meant.
1402
01:15:11,021 --> 01:15:14,625
Which brings us to you,
Mr. Verne Troyer!
1403
01:15:15,521 --> 01:15:18,557
If he wrote anything about me
in that bible,
1404
01:15:18,655 --> 01:15:20,389
we're gonna have
some serious problems.
1405
01:15:20,458 --> 01:15:25,563
"And you shall know when the
final day of reckoning begins
1406
01:15:25,630 --> 01:15:30,301
"because on that day,
a tiny entertainer
1407
01:15:30,369 --> 01:15:33,739
will be raped
by a thousand monkeys!"
1408
01:15:33,806 --> 01:15:36,241
That's it.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.
1409
01:15:36,309 --> 01:15:37,459
I'm sorry, little...
1410
01:15:39,646 --> 01:15:41,914
Enough! Enough! Enough!
1411
01:15:42,508 --> 01:15:45,412
Stop him!
We must do as God commands!
1412
01:15:45,457 --> 01:15:46,557
God damn it.
1413
01:15:46,570 --> 01:15:47,879
Hey, look man. You know what,
1414
01:15:47,929 --> 01:15:51,448
if it makes you feel better I promise
to never gonna smoke up again.
1415
01:15:51,802 --> 01:15:57,102
You are about to witness
the beginning of the end.
1416
01:15:58,182 --> 01:16:00,917
Bring on the monkeys!
1417
01:16:03,188 --> 01:16:05,556
Oh, not the monkeys.
1418
01:16:07,961 --> 01:16:09,628
Where'd you get so many monkeys?
1419
01:16:09,696 --> 01:16:10,762
I don't fucking know.
1420
01:16:10,830 --> 01:16:12,264
I got nothing to do
with this shit.
1421
01:16:15,069 --> 01:16:16,302
Oh, shit.
1422
01:16:23,311 --> 01:16:25,412
Don't fuck the pants up, please.
1423
01:16:28,485 --> 01:16:30,700
That one looks like Ron Jeremy.
1424
01:16:30,962 --> 01:16:34,899
All in all, this has really
not been a very pleasant day.
1425
01:16:34,967 --> 01:16:36,234
- Yeah.
- But...
1426
01:16:40,173 --> 01:16:43,576
Unfortunately, the desperate
nature of our situation
1427
01:16:43,643 --> 01:16:45,979
suggests that we may
need another of us
1428
01:16:46,047 --> 01:16:50,650
to embrace martyrdom as we bring
our fight to the Infidels.
1429
01:16:50,718 --> 01:16:51,768
Now...
1430
01:16:51,864 --> 01:16:55,429
Who amongst us,
will take that honor, today?
1431
01:17:01,169 --> 01:17:04,723
How about you, Mohammed?
You are so worthy.
1432
01:17:04,773 --> 01:17:07,878
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, very much.
1433
01:17:08,326 --> 01:17:10,711
And I would love to,
I would love to.
1434
01:17:10,761 --> 01:17:13,915
Believe me, nobody more
than me would love to.
1435
01:17:14,014 --> 01:17:17,874
But, unfortunately Osama
told me I couldn't.
1436
01:17:21,468 --> 01:17:24,788
Hey, let's go do some drugs.
- How about Abdul?
1437
01:17:24,901 --> 01:17:29,259
Oh, that is a great idea,
a great idea... genius!
1438
01:17:29,805 --> 01:17:32,906
Of course,
one must agree willingly.
1439
01:17:33,090 --> 01:17:35,592
Now, Abdul...
1440
01:17:35,659 --> 01:17:39,830
If you don't want to be blown
into a tiny million pieces,
1441
01:17:39,897 --> 01:17:43,567
raise your hand, hop on
one foot, and sing "Free Bird."
1442
01:17:47,774 --> 01:17:49,374
Abdul it is.
1443
01:17:56,498 --> 01:17:59,759
Congratulations my brother,
congratulations.
1444
01:17:59,998 --> 01:18:03,935
Now, if we just had Osama.
1445
01:18:04,003 --> 01:18:07,473
Does anybody know
where the fuck he is?!
1446
01:18:10,010 --> 01:18:13,413
So, you can see that just
by changing the words you use,
1447
01:18:13,480 --> 01:18:16,783
you can motivate your employees
in all new ways.
1448
01:18:16,851 --> 01:18:21,456
If you master my 117 steps
to dominating your employees,
1449
01:18:21,523 --> 01:18:23,591
I personally guarantee
you will have a team
1450
01:18:23,659 --> 01:18:28,330
of little killer bees ready
to live or die at your command.
1451
01:18:28,398 --> 01:18:31,867
You can make them work
for 72 hours straight at a time,
1452
01:18:31,935 --> 01:18:34,670
especially if you put
crystal meth in the water.
1453
01:18:34,739 --> 01:18:37,674
Now, some of you may be asking,
"isn't crystal meth illegal?"
1454
01:18:37,742 --> 01:18:39,243
Technically, yes,
1455
01:18:39,311 --> 01:18:42,413
but the U.S. Air force uses it
to fuel their pilots
1456
01:18:42,481 --> 01:18:44,549
when they're on night missions
over Afghanistan.
1457
01:18:44,617 --> 01:18:48,321
So it can't be that illegal
if the U.S. Air force uses it.
1458
01:18:48,334 --> 01:18:52,314
Now, if you look at page
5 you'll see a cartoon.
1459
01:18:52,550 --> 01:18:54,889
What's in that cartoon, you say.
1460
01:18:55,030 --> 01:18:56,816
Well, that's for you
to figure out.
1461
01:18:56,816 --> 01:19:00,503
Because humor in the workplace
is something else I want you to think about.
1462
01:19:00,891 --> 01:19:04,541
If you can make your employees laugh
they will be your slaves forever.
1463
01:19:04,591 --> 01:19:06,973
And you wont have
to use real chains.
1464
01:19:08,691 --> 01:19:11,239
Now, open up your workbooks
to page 12.
1465
01:19:11,520 --> 01:19:16,336
"How to create and English accent
to create an aura of authority."
1466
01:19:16,461 --> 01:19:20,461
Now, altogether now, make
your mouth into the shape of an "O"
1467
01:19:22,419 --> 01:19:25,840
That's right. That is the perfect
English accent sound.
1468
01:19:25,888 --> 01:19:28,559
Add "O" to everything you say.
1469
01:19:28,706 --> 01:19:32,080
"I would like a café latte O"
1470
01:19:32,544 --> 01:19:36,235
Make your mouth round,
that's what the Queen of England does.
1471
01:19:36,285 --> 01:19:38,797
In fact, when she goes
to sleep at night
1472
01:19:38,847 --> 01:19:43,153
she puts a small tube in her mouth
to give herself a perfect embouchure.
1473
01:19:43,154 --> 01:19:45,620
Or the "O" shaped
shape of the mouth.
1474
01:19:46,248 --> 01:19:50,251
That tube is on sale
with my tapes and my CD-Rom
1475
01:19:50,301 --> 01:19:53,607
for an extra special
price of only $9,95.
1476
01:19:55,893 --> 01:19:57,927
So... what now?
1477
01:19:57,995 --> 01:20:00,263
So, you're just gonna shoot us?
1478
01:20:00,331 --> 01:20:04,101
Yeah, you know,
I'm really sorry, man.
1479
01:20:04,169 --> 01:20:06,704
I mean, obviously, this is
some sort of misunderstanding,
1480
01:20:06,771 --> 01:20:11,610
But you can see where I kind of have
to go with it at this point.
1481
01:20:11,677 --> 01:20:14,346
I mean, you're my nephew,
but these are my people.
1482
01:20:14,414 --> 01:20:16,782
Got to lead them
to the Promised Land.
1483
01:20:16,850 --> 01:20:18,084
You're a douche.
1484
01:20:18,109 --> 01:20:19,744
- Not.
- Yeah.
1485
01:20:19,821 --> 01:20:23,492
Actually, the bible
doesn't say to kill you.
1486
01:20:28,484 --> 01:20:31,019
What the fuck, Richie?
1487
01:20:31,087 --> 01:20:32,154
Come on, what?
1488
01:20:32,221 --> 01:20:33,455
I'm... I'm God on earth,
remember?
1489
01:20:33,496 --> 01:20:34,724
Read your fucking bible.
1490
01:20:34,746 --> 01:20:36,746
- Yeah, like I said.
- Right?
1491
01:20:38,275 --> 01:20:40,177
When you read between the lines,
1492
01:20:40,258 --> 01:20:43,848
it's remarkable
how the meanings change.
1493
01:20:43,880 --> 01:20:45,483
Now, the way I read it
1494
01:20:45,543 --> 01:20:49,981
was God chose you as a pawn
to get this movement going.
1495
01:20:50,359 --> 01:20:54,029
But now it's time for someone
else to take charge...
1496
01:20:54,096 --> 01:20:55,764
someone...
1497
01:20:57,767 --> 01:21:00,970
who truly believes.
1498
01:21:02,806 --> 01:21:04,474
No, Richie.
1499
01:21:35,069 --> 01:21:36,336
Fuck!
1500
01:21:36,405 --> 01:21:38,272
Fuck me!
1501
01:21:38,340 --> 01:21:40,608
I'm fucking gay!
1502
01:21:40,676 --> 01:21:42,176
Who the fuck knew?
1503
01:21:42,245 --> 01:21:44,946
I had no clue, man,
but this explains a lot.
1504
01:21:45,014 --> 01:21:48,985
Oh, I can finally learn
to love myself for who I am.
1505
01:21:49,053 --> 01:21:51,354
I'm a fucking chubby chaser,
too!
1506
01:21:51,422 --> 01:21:52,789
Fuck it, man!
1507
01:21:52,856 --> 01:21:54,657
This is great.
1508
01:21:55,827 --> 01:21:57,594
You know what?
1509
01:21:57,662 --> 01:22:00,231
Today is the start
of my whole new life.
1510
01:22:00,299 --> 01:22:01,966
Right.
1511
01:22:11,178 --> 01:22:12,328
Mitzi.
1512
01:22:16,918 --> 01:22:19,687
Okay, so I'm bi.
1513
01:22:23,692 --> 01:22:25,160
Yuck!
1514
01:22:27,664 --> 01:22:28,814
You.
1515
01:22:30,735 --> 01:22:33,838
You we are grateful to,
1516
01:22:33,904 --> 01:22:37,074
so we will let you live...
1517
01:22:37,142 --> 01:22:40,778
Until the bird flu gets you.
1518
01:22:40,846 --> 01:22:44,416
Or we can put you out of your
misery right now... either way!
1519
01:22:44,484 --> 01:22:47,352
Actually...
1520
01:22:49,723 --> 01:22:50,923
Actually...
1521
01:22:50,991 --> 01:22:52,759
Uh, no.
1522
01:22:52,826 --> 01:22:57,998
Um, you have
to leave me alive...
1523
01:22:58,066 --> 01:22:59,466
Richie...
1524
01:22:59,534 --> 01:23:05,240
if you want to have
your little... Apocalypse.
1525
01:23:05,307 --> 01:23:08,144
And why is that?
1526
01:23:08,211 --> 01:23:12,182
Uh, because I am the only guy
1527
01:23:12,250 --> 01:23:17,821
who knows where the truck
filled with bird flu is parked.
1528
01:23:25,965 --> 01:23:27,733
Yeah! That's clever!
1529
01:23:27,801 --> 01:23:29,068
That is clever!
1530
01:23:29,135 --> 01:23:32,639
But it's not insurmountable.
1531
01:23:32,707 --> 01:23:34,574
You didn't go far.
1532
01:23:34,642 --> 01:23:36,676
We'll just find it ourselves,
1533
01:23:36,745 --> 01:23:39,046
and then we'll kill you!
1534
01:23:39,114 --> 01:23:41,782
Or not, remember?
1535
01:23:41,851 --> 01:23:44,686
The bible said that
you didn't have to kill me,
1536
01:23:44,754 --> 01:23:46,388
And you said
you weren't going to,
1537
01:23:46,456 --> 01:23:48,257
And you killed Dave.
1538
01:23:48,325 --> 01:23:51,294
Yeah, but as soon
as I said that, I just...
1539
01:23:51,362 --> 01:23:54,498
It just was a lousy idea,
so ha-ha.
1540
01:23:55,282 --> 01:23:58,017
We'll be right back.
1541
01:23:59,982 --> 01:24:01,382
Get in there!
1542
01:25:40,445 --> 01:25:41,913
What are you still doing here?
1543
01:25:42,627 --> 01:25:45,864
We're supposed to wait for Richard
to get back with the truck.
1544
01:25:45,936 --> 01:25:51,300
And then we eat the poison brownies
and ascend into God's love.
1545
01:25:51,618 --> 01:25:53,352
Starr couldn't wait.
1546
01:25:53,421 --> 01:25:55,055
She was on a cleanse.
1547
01:25:55,122 --> 01:25:57,558
Yeah, that all
sounds like a real good plan.
1548
01:25:58,927 --> 01:26:01,228
Me...
1549
01:26:01,296 --> 01:26:03,831
I'm gonna go upstairs...
1550
01:26:03,900 --> 01:26:05,667
kill me some terrorists...
1551
01:26:05,735 --> 01:26:09,172
probably die
in a hail of bullets.
1552
01:26:10,034 --> 01:26:13,105
If by some miracle
I make it out alive,
1553
01:26:13,119 --> 01:26:16,122
I'm gonna find that fat fuck
of yours, Richard,
1554
01:26:16,197 --> 01:26:20,268
and stick this machine gun
up his self-righteous ass.
1555
01:26:22,371 --> 01:26:24,472
Yeah.
1556
01:26:24,540 --> 01:26:26,641
Decisions, decisions.
1557
01:26:56,245 --> 01:26:58,045
Mine.
1558
01:26:58,747 --> 01:27:00,014
Mine.
1559
01:27:00,082 --> 01:27:01,549
- What?
- Yours.
1560
01:27:05,922 --> 01:27:07,256
Oh, you are good.
1561
01:27:07,323 --> 01:27:08,924
- Well, you are better.
- I know.
1562
01:27:08,993 --> 01:27:10,426
Come on.
1563
01:27:13,898 --> 01:27:15,365
Let's go.
1564
01:27:17,401 --> 01:27:20,269
You cunning little bitch.
1565
01:27:20,338 --> 01:27:22,472
You're not retarded, are you?
1566
01:27:22,540 --> 01:27:24,374
You've just been faking it.
1567
01:27:24,756 --> 01:27:25,966
Mine.
1568
01:27:27,102 --> 01:27:28,252
You cunt!
1569
01:27:37,067 --> 01:27:38,234
They'll meet us later.
1570
01:27:46,433 --> 01:27:47,777
All right, ladies.
1571
01:27:47,874 --> 01:27:49,208
This is where we split up.
1572
01:27:49,855 --> 01:27:51,089
Go home to your families.
1573
01:27:51,677 --> 01:27:53,111
Think for yourselves,
1574
01:27:53,201 --> 01:27:55,036
And no more crazy cults
1575
01:27:55,081 --> 01:27:56,682
that look forward
to the end of the world.
1576
01:27:57,132 --> 01:28:00,452
Don't worry. We've decided
to be Christians from now on.
1577
01:28:01,756 --> 01:28:03,523
Well...
1578
01:28:12,965 --> 01:28:15,066
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
1579
01:28:15,132 --> 01:28:17,099
Hold on.
Hold on.
1580
01:28:17,168 --> 01:28:18,135
Why?
1581
01:28:18,203 --> 01:28:19,369
Because you're married?
1582
01:28:19,994 --> 01:28:23,197
No, I just want
to give Karen a turn.
1583
01:28:28,538 --> 01:28:29,938
Oh, my God.
1584
01:28:42,656 --> 01:28:45,726
Paradise, here I come.
1585
01:28:50,231 --> 01:28:52,432
Speaking of wild shit,
1586
01:28:52,501 --> 01:28:55,303
have you seen that guy's wife?
1587
01:28:55,371 --> 01:28:57,271
Yeah, she's hard to miss.
1588
01:28:57,339 --> 01:28:58,489
Yeah.
1589
01:29:00,673 --> 01:29:03,275
She's a good fuck, though.
1590
01:29:03,343 --> 01:29:04,811
You fucked her?
1591
01:29:04,907 --> 01:29:06,508
Several times.
1592
01:29:06,534 --> 01:29:08,034
She's got a clapper
in her trailer.
1593
01:29:08,103 --> 01:29:11,206
The lights go on and off
and on and off.
1594
01:29:12,441 --> 01:29:14,508
Makes you feel like a rock star!
1595
01:29:14,577 --> 01:29:16,211
Let's go to the trailer.
1596
01:29:25,557 --> 01:29:27,391
Hey, it's the Postal Dude!
1597
01:29:27,459 --> 01:29:28,609
Get him!
1598
01:29:32,431 --> 01:29:34,132
Go! Go! Go!
1599
01:29:44,045 --> 01:29:45,279
Come on!
1600
01:29:45,346 --> 01:29:46,513
Go! Go!
1601
01:30:07,138 --> 01:30:08,104
- Come on.
- Shoot him!
1602
01:30:08,173 --> 01:30:09,323
Eat this!
1603
01:30:11,577 --> 01:30:13,110
I'm sorry!
1604
01:30:14,280 --> 01:30:15,547
Bye, cowards!
1605
01:30:52,825 --> 01:30:54,959
You are so hot.
1606
01:30:55,027 --> 01:30:57,662
And you turned
into a crazy psychopath.
1607
01:30:58,964 --> 01:31:01,834
There were
some pretty good reasons.
1608
01:31:01,841 --> 01:31:03,675
That's what they all say.
1609
01:31:03,743 --> 01:31:06,580
I have to destroy a postal truck
filled with lethal microbes
1610
01:31:06,636 --> 01:31:08,604
before a doomsday cult
or a terrorist group
1611
01:31:08,672 --> 01:31:10,907
gets their hands on it
and destroys the entire world.
1612
01:31:10,975 --> 01:31:12,809
Yeah, like I believe that.
1613
01:31:12,877 --> 01:31:14,612
Jihad!
1614
01:31:14,679 --> 01:31:17,248
- Huh?
- Jihad!
1615
01:31:20,586 --> 01:31:22,854
Okay.
Uh, where's that truck?
1616
01:31:29,563 --> 01:31:30,630
Great.
1617
01:31:30,697 --> 01:31:32,398
Okay.
1618
01:31:35,633 --> 01:31:38,870
Oh.
I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.
1619
01:31:38,907 --> 01:31:41,368
It looks like your credit
card's been declined.
1620
01:31:41,370 --> 01:31:41,677
What?
1621
01:31:41,745 --> 01:31:44,546
It looks like every
free government on the planet
1622
01:31:44,614 --> 01:31:46,750
has frozen your assets.
1623
01:31:46,817 --> 01:31:48,051
Would you take a check?
1624
01:31:49,453 --> 01:31:51,054
Cash, American.
1625
01:31:51,122 --> 01:31:52,556
I'm a little short.
1626
01:31:52,624 --> 01:31:55,493
Sammy, we need you right away.
1627
01:31:55,560 --> 01:31:56,994
Do you have any cash?
1628
01:31:57,062 --> 01:31:59,097
No.
1629
01:32:02,301 --> 01:32:03,935
Run!
1630
01:32:04,915 --> 01:32:06,317
Freakin' Arabs.
1631
01:32:06,378 --> 01:32:09,113
Go back to Mecca and run around
your big black box!
1632
01:32:10,326 --> 01:32:13,511
There you go, Courtney. Hi.
1633
01:32:15,505 --> 01:32:18,377
Alright, now. Let's run that through.
1634
01:32:20,821 --> 01:32:22,598
Looks like your money's good,
you're American.
1635
01:32:22,648 --> 01:32:23,943
Even though you are black.
1636
01:32:35,403 --> 01:32:36,553
Look out!
1637
01:32:44,289 --> 01:32:45,526
Fucking hippies!
1638
01:32:58,476 --> 01:33:00,411
- Oh, god.
- You okay?
1639
01:33:00,479 --> 01:33:02,380
Yeah, you ever get
like a hangnail?
1640
01:33:02,448 --> 01:33:03,649
Yeah, it's brutal.
1641
01:33:16,388 --> 01:33:18,022
What the hell was that?
1642
01:33:23,501 --> 01:33:25,106
Where are we going?
1643
01:33:25,285 --> 01:33:29,521
Some place where nobody
will notice a giant explosion.
1644
01:33:36,685 --> 01:33:41,418
I tell you, Mohammed, "117 steps
to dominating your employees".
1645
01:33:41,643 --> 01:33:46,046
He talked about how you can get
your employees to kill and die for you.
1646
01:33:46,095 --> 01:33:47,877
Kill and die for you?
1647
01:33:48,142 --> 01:33:53,497
And, he talked about how if you make
your employees believe that you are God
1648
01:33:53,597 --> 01:33:55,929
you will be God to your employees.
1649
01:33:56,029 --> 01:33:57,740
That's good, you should
make a note of that.
1650
01:33:57,856 --> 01:34:01,073
It was amazing, it was just
and amazing seminar.
1651
01:34:02,059 --> 01:34:03,026
Fuck her, Greg.
1652
01:34:03,094 --> 01:34:04,895
Ja, come on.
Fuck her, Greg.
1653
01:34:05,664 --> 01:34:07,366
How's that, huh?
1654
01:34:07,465 --> 01:34:09,633
A little to the left,
motherfucker.
1655
01:34:13,143 --> 01:34:14,309
You're right.
You're right.
1656
01:34:26,258 --> 01:34:28,759
Yes!
Give it to me.
1657
01:34:29,828 --> 01:34:31,929
Who is that?
1658
01:34:31,998 --> 01:34:34,132
My soon-to-be-ex-wife.
1659
01:34:39,373 --> 01:34:40,306
- You like that?
- Yes!
1660
01:34:40,374 --> 01:34:42,643
Great job!
A little faster.
1661
01:34:44,018 --> 01:34:46,321
That ought to do it.
1662
01:34:49,184 --> 01:34:50,334
All right.
1663
01:34:50,432 --> 01:34:51,865
Here, champ!
Come on, buddy.
1664
01:34:53,176 --> 01:34:54,511
Champ?
1665
01:34:54,579 --> 01:34:56,047
Come on!
1666
01:34:56,114 --> 01:34:57,648
Ah, poop.
1667
01:34:57,716 --> 01:34:59,484
Let's get out of here.
1668
01:34:59,515 --> 01:35:00,782
All right.
1669
01:35:05,456 --> 01:35:06,789
Too late.
1670
01:35:12,897 --> 01:35:14,231
What the fuck is that?
1671
01:35:16,936 --> 01:35:20,939
Fucking guy!
We're gonna fucking mess you up!
1672
01:35:21,807 --> 01:35:23,809
Back! Back!
1673
01:35:23,877 --> 01:35:25,444
Fucking die!
1674
01:35:28,294 --> 01:35:30,328
I love you, Greggie.
I love you, too.
1675
01:35:40,811 --> 01:35:42,679
Go back!
Go back!
1676
01:35:49,804 --> 01:35:52,014
Okay, before we do this.
1677
01:35:52,480 --> 01:35:53,630
Let's remember
1678
01:35:53,756 --> 01:35:57,506
what we learned from the pamphlets
from the seminar, okay?
1679
01:35:57,670 --> 01:36:00,895
That true change
starts from within!
1680
01:36:00,947 --> 01:36:02,510
Okay? Also...
1681
01:36:05,500 --> 01:36:10,607
We learned from the seminar that true
strength comes in numbers!
1682
01:36:10,656 --> 01:36:11,806
Okay, also...
1683
01:36:16,136 --> 01:36:20,739
That if you want something to be
done right, you do it yourself!
1684
01:36:23,731 --> 01:36:26,492
So, let's do it!
All right!
1685
01:36:35,051 --> 01:36:36,201
Hey!
1686
01:36:39,005 --> 01:36:40,905
God damn it!
1687
01:36:40,973 --> 01:36:43,796
Get the hell off my property!
1688
01:36:48,115 --> 01:36:50,883
Motherfucking piece of shit!
1689
01:36:56,292 --> 01:36:59,662
Hand over the Avian Flu,
Infidel!
1690
01:37:02,795 --> 01:37:05,898
Hello?
1691
01:37:05,964 --> 01:37:07,665
That's their truck, right?
1692
01:37:14,274 --> 01:37:15,875
Oh, there he is...
1693
01:37:15,943 --> 01:37:17,510
the guy who killed Uncle Dave.
1694
01:37:20,148 --> 01:37:24,218
We must rebalance our energies
by cutting out his spleen!
1695
01:37:29,258 --> 01:37:31,159
Okay.
1696
01:37:31,227 --> 01:37:32,377
Fuck this.
1697
01:37:33,663 --> 01:37:34,697
Bomb!
1698
01:37:34,765 --> 01:37:36,866
Bomb!
1699
01:37:36,933 --> 01:37:38,034
Bomb!
1700
01:37:38,102 --> 01:37:40,270
B-b-b-b-bomb!
Bomb!
1701
01:37:40,338 --> 01:37:41,938
Hold up!
Fuck!
1702
01:37:44,033 --> 01:37:48,871
"Big bomb that could take out
a whole city block" bomb.
1703
01:37:51,007 --> 01:37:54,244
Do I have your attention?
1704
01:38:07,427 --> 01:38:08,493
Get down here!
1705
01:38:08,561 --> 01:38:11,965
What is wrong with you people?
1706
01:38:12,032 --> 01:38:15,836
You're so busy trying to blow up
the world in the name of God.
1707
01:38:16,386 --> 01:38:18,654
News flash, fucktards...
1708
01:38:18,722 --> 01:38:20,523
God doesn't need your help.
1709
01:38:20,592 --> 01:38:23,527
He's God!
1710
01:38:24,534 --> 01:38:28,329
And he, she, it...
1711
01:38:28,656 --> 01:38:31,058
They gave you life.
1712
01:38:32,394 --> 01:38:36,132
And you're wasting it.
1713
01:38:36,164 --> 01:38:38,362
Look around you.
Look.
1714
01:38:40,414 --> 01:38:42,482
Look, God damn it!
1715
01:38:47,211 --> 01:38:49,446
See?
1716
01:38:50,103 --> 01:38:53,273
We're not that different
1717
01:38:53,340 --> 01:38:56,611
'cause we all come
from the same family
1718
01:38:56,798 --> 01:38:59,133
known as humanity.
1719
01:39:01,148 --> 01:39:03,650
Now, what do families do?
1720
01:39:03,717 --> 01:39:04,867
Do they fight?
1721
01:39:04,918 --> 01:39:07,020
Yeah, sure.
1722
01:39:07,087 --> 01:39:10,724
But they work it out
'cause they love each other,
1723
01:39:10,792 --> 01:39:13,694
and they know that
they're stuck with each other,
1724
01:39:13,762 --> 01:39:15,229
just like all of us are,
1725
01:39:16,458 --> 01:39:22,316
here on the crazy big
mud ball called Earth.
1726
01:39:26,947 --> 01:39:29,448
So, come on, people.
1727
01:39:29,517 --> 01:39:34,055
Let's try and find
some common ground, huh?
1728
01:39:34,121 --> 01:39:37,291
Uh, well, we all hate Jews!
1729
01:39:39,765 --> 01:39:41,633
Yeah, well, everybody
knows that, yeah.
1730
01:39:41,701 --> 01:39:44,873
No, no, no, no,
not a hate thing.
1731
01:39:44,874 --> 01:39:45,907
Ah, sh...
1732
01:39:45,976 --> 01:39:48,211
A happy thing.
1733
01:39:49,747 --> 01:39:50,614
I don't get it.
1734
01:39:50,700 --> 01:39:56,072
I think it's time
to empty our hands of guns
1735
01:39:56,361 --> 01:39:59,163
so we can fill our hands
1736
01:40:00,518 --> 01:40:02,519
with hugs.
1737
01:40:07,681 --> 01:40:11,584
If you want to waste this
precious gift we call life,
1738
01:40:13,008 --> 01:40:15,676
I can't stop you.
1739
01:40:17,683 --> 01:40:19,517
So, go ahead.
1740
01:40:19,585 --> 01:40:21,519
Shoot.
1741
01:40:21,587 --> 01:40:23,055
Or...
1742
01:40:27,676 --> 01:40:29,410
hug.
1743
01:40:33,336 --> 01:40:34,637
Shoot him.
1744
01:40:34,654 --> 01:40:36,321
Oh, you motherfuckers!
1745
01:40:44,473 --> 01:40:46,174
God damn!
1746
01:41:01,499 --> 01:41:03,033
I'm starting to get pissed.
1747
01:41:07,524 --> 01:41:08,891
Greggie, I'm still wet, though!
1748
01:41:08,958 --> 01:41:11,427
Just plug that little thing in.
I'll be there in one second.
1749
01:41:27,127 --> 01:41:30,497
You've got
to be fucking kidding me.
1750
01:41:39,222 --> 01:41:40,689
You like that?
1751
01:41:59,782 --> 01:42:02,893
Hey, Mo,
save some virgins for me.
1752
01:42:23,735 --> 01:42:26,336
Please insert
an additional 25 cents
1753
01:42:26,405 --> 01:42:28,873
to complete
your long-distance call.
1754
01:42:42,924 --> 01:42:44,758
Hello,
this is George W. Bush.
1755
01:42:44,827 --> 01:42:45,927
It's Osama.
1756
01:42:45,994 --> 01:42:47,695
I need some help, man!
1757
01:42:47,763 --> 01:42:49,897
Hi, there, Osama.
How are you?
1758
01:42:49,966 --> 01:42:51,133
You got to speak up, George.
1759
01:42:51,201 --> 01:42:53,168
- I can't hear you over the gunfire.
- Hmm?
1760
01:42:53,236 --> 01:42:56,106
Gunfire. I'm trapped in
a trailer park in Paradise city.
1761
01:42:56,936 --> 01:42:58,437
I'm here for you, buddy.
1762
01:42:58,519 --> 01:42:59,920
We got you on satellite.
1763
01:42:59,989 --> 01:43:02,056
Should I send a couple
cruise missiles down there?
1764
01:43:05,097 --> 01:43:06,498
No, I...
1765
01:43:06,745 --> 01:43:09,380
Please insert
an additional 25 cents
1766
01:43:09,448 --> 01:43:12,084
to continue
your long-distance call.
1767
01:43:14,202 --> 01:43:18,073
I was thinking maybe
a helicopter to come pick me up.
1768
01:43:18,139 --> 01:43:20,040
Hey, that... that could work.
1769
01:43:20,108 --> 01:43:22,176
Uh, there's a field
just south of you.
1770
01:43:22,245 --> 01:43:23,945
I'll pick you up there.
1771
01:43:24,013 --> 01:43:25,781
Aw, thanks, Georgie.
1772
01:43:25,866 --> 01:43:28,734
- I, um...
- Yes?
1773
01:43:29,102 --> 01:43:30,636
I just wish
I knew how to quit you.
1774
01:43:33,899 --> 01:43:35,699
Next time get a phone card.
1775
01:44:06,258 --> 01:44:08,841
No hand-to-hand combat,
no hand-to-hand combat.
1776
01:44:25,325 --> 01:44:26,475
Hello.
1777
01:44:27,451 --> 01:44:29,655
Internal Revenue Service,
Frank Dumont.
1778
01:44:29,703 --> 01:44:32,906
We're here to conduct an audit
on a Mr. David Clark.
1779
01:44:33,854 --> 01:44:36,857
You are American government?
1780
01:44:36,870 --> 01:44:39,105
Yes, sir.
Is Mr. Clark at home?
1781
01:44:40,034 --> 01:44:42,704
Hold on one moment,
government man.
1782
01:44:42,725 --> 01:44:45,527
I have someone to speak to you.
1783
01:44:49,389 --> 01:44:51,423
Unauthorized fruit sales.
1784
01:44:51,491 --> 01:44:52,891
I should have brought that dip.
1785
01:44:56,645 --> 01:44:58,679
Jihad!
Jihad!
1786
01:44:59,047 --> 01:45:00,615
Ji... oh, yeah.
1787
01:45:00,682 --> 01:45:01,832
Jihad, yeah.
1788
01:45:03,180 --> 01:45:05,049
Abdul!
1789
01:45:05,121 --> 01:45:08,291
Abdul, where is your belt?
1790
01:45:08,359 --> 01:45:10,994
You're not wearing
your explosive belt.
1791
01:45:15,567 --> 01:45:18,002
We're taking the cop car.
1792
01:45:24,358 --> 01:45:25,508
Abdul.
1793
01:45:27,461 --> 01:45:28,795
Lorraine, Lorraine...
1794
01:45:28,816 --> 01:45:30,349
Stop licking
your own asshole, okay?
1795
01:45:30,417 --> 01:45:31,567
You're my publisher.
1796
01:45:31,618 --> 01:45:33,320
You tell them
that this is a prime example
1797
01:45:33,388 --> 01:45:34,988
of why everybody
should buy my book,
1798
01:45:35,056 --> 01:45:37,257
"how to fire an employee
without making him go postal"...
1799
01:45:37,325 --> 01:45:38,475
Because I'm a f...
1800
01:45:55,881 --> 01:45:58,015
You ruined everything!
1801
01:46:00,385 --> 01:46:02,754
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
1802
01:46:03,780 --> 01:46:05,482
Don't be a dick...
1803
01:46:05,572 --> 01:46:06,339
No!
1804
01:46:06,441 --> 01:46:08,208
Dick.
1805
01:46:28,521 --> 01:46:31,256
Did you... champ!
1806
01:46:31,324 --> 01:46:32,325
Hey, buddy.
1807
01:46:32,392 --> 01:46:35,462
Hey! Hey!
1808
01:46:35,529 --> 01:46:36,796
I thought I smelled
poo-poo breath.
1809
01:46:40,587 --> 01:46:41,435
Nice to see you, pal.
1810
01:46:41,503 --> 01:46:43,570
We're interrupting
our regular broadcast
1811
01:46:43,639 --> 01:46:45,874
to take you live
for this emergency announcement
1812
01:46:46,017 --> 01:46:47,651
from the President.
1813
01:46:50,288 --> 01:46:51,555
This is the President
1814
01:46:51,623 --> 01:46:53,057
of the United States of America.
1815
01:46:54,379 --> 01:46:56,079
C.I.A. Intelligence
has confirmed
1816
01:46:56,148 --> 01:46:58,716
that the governments
of China and India
1817
01:46:58,784 --> 01:47:01,586
were directly responsible
for the terrorist cell
1818
01:47:02,435 --> 01:47:04,807
recently uncovered in Paradise.
1819
01:47:06,216 --> 01:47:11,388
Worse still, they continue to
make T-shirts for well under $1.
1820
01:47:11,680 --> 01:47:13,804
In response, we've been forced
1821
01:47:13,805 --> 01:47:17,096
to destroy both countries
with "nucular" force.
1822
01:47:17,164 --> 01:47:20,734
China, despite
all our freedom-loving efforts,
1823
01:47:20,801 --> 01:47:24,438
was able to send
30 atomic warheads our way.
1824
01:47:28,209 --> 01:47:31,880
They should hit
in a little under two minutes.
1825
01:47:31,948 --> 01:47:35,851
I wish you all the best of luck
with your future endeavors,
1826
01:47:35,919 --> 01:47:38,154
and God Bless America.
1827
01:47:45,930 --> 01:47:47,631
Well?
1828
01:47:51,804 --> 01:47:53,771
I regret nothing.
1829
01:47:53,840 --> 01:47:56,008
You know what?
Forget the stuff.
1830
01:47:56,076 --> 01:47:57,476
- Oh!
- What are you doing?
1831
01:47:57,544 --> 01:47:59,813
Don't you want me
to get out of here? Come on!
1832
01:47:59,880 --> 01:48:01,381
Come on!
1833
01:48:01,449 --> 01:48:03,249
Come on.
1834
01:48:04,785 --> 01:48:06,987
Go out!
1835
01:48:26,836 --> 01:48:28,003
They got a Hu...
1836
01:49:08,063 --> 01:49:13,501
♪hand in hand, we'll stroll the
land in the peace and harmony
1837
01:49:13,569 --> 01:49:16,171
♪we'll be friends
till the end
1838
01:49:16,240 --> 01:49:18,040
♪buddies, you and me
1839
01:49:18,108 --> 01:49:21,945
Georgie, I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship
1840
01:49:22,013 --> 01:49:24,548
♪flowers all around
1841
01:49:24,616 --> 01:49:27,017
♪from the birth
of mother earth
1842
01:49:27,086 --> 01:49:30,155
♪we hear the magic sound,
singing
1843
01:49:41,168 --> 01:49:44,104
♪devils cast into the sea
1844
01:49:44,172 --> 01:49:46,541
♪brothers without love
1845
01:49:46,608 --> 01:49:49,645
♪ripple to a tidal wave
1846
01:49:49,711 --> 01:49:52,480
♪swelling to a flood
1847
01:49:52,549 --> 01:49:55,384
♪brave the storm,
you lonesome ships
1848
01:49:55,451 --> 01:49:57,986
♪courage, it's not far
1849
01:49:58,055 --> 01:49:59,556
♪sail away
1850
01:49:59,623 --> 01:50:03,827
♪we'll find a day in the land
of la-la-la, singing
1851
01:50:50,984 --> 01:50:54,020
♪tree of life bearing fruit
1852
01:50:54,087 --> 01:50:56,622
♪nourishing us all
1853
01:50:56,690 --> 01:51:02,329
♪as the sun will become
the father standing tall
1854
01:51:02,397 --> 01:51:07,702
♪let us take our Appleseed
and plant it in the ground
1855
01:51:07,770 --> 01:51:13,342
♪soon we'll seen an apple tree
and hear the magic sound
1856
01:52:37,875 --> 01:52:42,613
Attention, residents
of the planet earth.
1857
01:52:43,080 --> 01:52:46,784
Don't miss the sale
of the century.
1858
01:52:46,851 --> 01:52:49,687
With the purchase of one clone,
1859
01:52:49,754 --> 01:52:53,258
get a second clone...
1860
01:52:53,322 --> 01:52:55,594
for free!
1861
01:52:59,360 --> 01:53:00,662
Remember...
1862
01:53:00,750 --> 01:53:05,286
there's no business
like clone business.
132279
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