Original subtitles

Woman: Good morning, HBO.

I'll see if he's in.

Hi. How can I help you?

Jeff Greene and Larry David to see Allan Wasserman.

- I'll let him know you're here. - Thank you.

Woman: Larry David and Jeff Greene are here for Allan.

For the most part, I mean, the industry knew

there was a Larry David behind "Seinfeld."

But the average guy on the street didn't know

that the funny stuff coming out of our mouths

were coming out of a guy named Larry David.

Rick: Well, he is a comedian.

He's taken that talent and turned it into writing,

but, I mean, he did start his career as a stand-up comedian.

Jerry: His standard opening was always,

"I'll tell you something about good-looking people--

we're not well-liked."

And then he would always call the audience "you people."

And I used to say to him,

"You know, calling them 'you people,'

it's a bit distancing, you know?

It's kind of like you're already putting them

in an adversarial position."

Not often, but from time to time,

Larry would actually get up onstage,

grab the microphone, do a very slow 180,

looking at the audience from left to right,

surveying them.

Take the microphone, put it back in the stand and go, "Never mind,"

and would walk off stage.

And the audience never knew what hit them.

He was a phenomenon.

He just couldn't get over the hump

that comedians have to perform in front of other people.

Carol: Larry's take was always so different

and definitely not mainstream.

And he kind of took that attitude and put it into a sitcom,

and I think it made the show revolutionary.

Jason: There was an episode pretty early on--

George was doing something and I said, "Guys, you gotta help me.

This is a rewrite situation because this would never happen in real life,

but certainly, if it did happen in real life,

no one would react like this."

And Larry came up and he said,

"This happened to me and this is exactly what I did, you know."

"Oh, okay."

And actually, that was the turning point for me.

And from that point on, I geared myself up for doing

as shameless a Larry David imitation as I could muster.

Glenn: He was stuck with success.

For the first time in his life,

he was stuck.

It was a hit and it was like he always acted

like it was, like, a major imposition on him

when the show got picked up for a second season.

I think once he saw that "Seinfeld," especially,

would be successful, I think he felt like

the most fulfilling thing he could do next

would be to return to stand-up and complete that unfinished business.

When he started talking to me about setting up gigs for him around town,

I said, "Are you thinking maybe you wanna do an HBO special?"

He goes, "I think it's a little too soon."

And I said, "Well, maybe it's not a little too soon,

'cause I've got this great idea."

What is it?

It's gonna be on us all the time?

I mean, it's a little intrusive, isn't it?

Most of the time. Most of the time, yeah.

How are you supposed to sit and have a conversation

with this thing watching you all the time?

That's the point.

They're gonna watch us sit and have a conversation.

Forget that it's here.

- No.

- I don't like gum.

What's not to like?

I don't know, I just don't-- I've never been a big gum guy.

See, you're-- this is good stuff, huh?

Yeah, that's real good. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm glad it's getting all this.

Yeah. Did you get that gum story we just did?

'Cause that's-- that was really good.

- Let me just say something to you-- you'll be fine. - Yeah.

- Woman: Gentlemen, they're ready for you. - Oh, thank you.

This-- I wish I wore a different shirt. I really can't--

Well, brown and green don't usually match,

but you got the yellow to offset it.

You're okay. Let's go, come on.

What do you think of this shirt?

- Woman: You look great.

- We need to walk around with a camera crew. - Uh-huh.

I have a tendency to nod to black people.

Why-- what reason would you have to--

I don't know. I just find that I nod to them.

More so than white-- I haven't nodded to white people.

I've never heard of "white liberal nodding guilt."

Yeah, it's a way of kind of making contact.

- Yeah. - You know, like, "I'm okay. I'm not one of the bad ones."

Okay.

- Allan: Hey, look at that! On the money! There he is.

- Ah!

So, so good to be here.

- So, talk to me.

All right, first off, I wanna thank you for allowing us

- to bring the cameras in because-- - Oh, yeah.

We're not self-conscious at all about--

- No, I feel just like I always do. - He's crazy about it, too.

But, well, let me explain.

Larry hasn't done stand-up in nine and a half years, if you can believe that.

- Okay. - Judy: Wow.

And what we wanna do is have Larry perform again

and have it lead up to an HBO special.

- Allan: Okay. - Jeff: It being two parts.

The first part would be a documentary

of everything that Larry has to do

to prepare for the special--

the sets at the clubs, time alone with his family,

walking down the street, whatever it is.

We're going to see how he prepares for it leading up to the special,

and then the actual special, which would be just him doing straight ahead stand-up.

Come on, seriously. No.

Where do you want to do this, specifically?

Jeff: Definitely New York and Los Angeles.

And we'll probably film the special in Los Angeles.

- Okay. - And is it-- this is straight stand

Because, you know, on our specials,

we're not limited to just stand--

like, if you wanted to do some sketches or any kind of, you know--

- Cameos, guests, people with you-- - Yeah, little skits that--

beforehand that you might wanna--

you certainly have some great stories from the last nine years.

I have a lot of stories about my childhood in Oklahoma.

Very homespun, and I think they'll go over.

- And I wear a cowboy hat.

- Um, Larry... - Yeah.

...do you have any-- did you do any of the comedy shows,

you know, like, "MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour"?

- Any tape that we could... - No, nothing.

...take a look at to see your stuff?

No, there's not even any home movies or anything.

- Is there any film of you doing stand-up--

No, there's no film on me at all.

In fact, I'm going to kill this guy

as soon as I get out of this meeting.

- You didn't nod to her. - I tried to, but she--

- She went by too fast. - She went by too fast.

Yeah, yeah.

That's gonna be a tough habit to break.

That was good. I'm real happy with that. That was good.

- Hey, hey.

Good. How are you, Jeff?

- That's right, Jeff Yerkes. Good to see you. - Yeah, I got it.

- Yeah, Jeff Yerkes, Jeff Greene, my manager.

Good to meet you. How are you?

Jeff was the writer's assistant on "Seinfeld."

Hey, good. How about that?

- It was a great gig. Yeah. - Yeah.

I actually-- you know, it's funny, I was gonna give you a call.

Um, I need a bit of a favor, if you don't mind.

- Yeah, what-- - It's not a big one.

- Good. - All right, so here it is, right?

I have the possibility of a job at Warner Bros.

doing development over there

and I kind of want to get out of here.

And I was wondering if you could give

Michael Weingrad a phone call.

Kind of, you know, boost me up a little bit,

tell him that I'm a good employee and--

That's something you'd do. You should do that.

That I would be more than happy to do.

That would be really great.

I mean, coming from you, you know...

- Oh, stop it. - ...somebody of your stature...

- I have no stature. - ...I think that would really--

No stature. Please, stop.

That would put me over the top.

- Yeah, absolutely.

I'd be more than happy to do it.

- I'm happy to do it. - That's fantastic. Great.

Yeah. You'll get out of this hellhole that's HBO.

Oh, please, tell me about it.

All right. Well, good. Nice meeting you, man.

- Nice meeting you, Jeff. - Yeah.

Thank you so much, seriously. This means a lot. It does.

- Jeff Yerkes: Take care. - So long.

- Take care.

- That's nice. You'll call for him. - Yeah.

10 seconds earlier, I could've gotten in the elevator.

It is both shocking and absolutely sensible

for Larry to go back into stand-up.

It's shocking in that I didn't think he liked it very much.

I don't think you're really aware

of how bad the clubs have become,

like, in the last-- when's the last time you went onstage?

- 10 years ago. - Oh.

- They scream, they yell shit out. - They talk.

They heckle you constantly.

You know how many times I've heard, "Show me your tits"?

You know how many times I've heard that?

- I've heard that, too.

I've heard that a million times.

I hear that all the time. You don't believe us.

You haven't been out there.

Mike and I are still on the road.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You know how stupid these people are?

I have two words for you-- dick jokes.

- Yeah. - Plenty of dick jokes.

- You're gonna need that. - I've got plenty of dick jokes.

- You have plenty of dick jokes? - Yeah.

- You have plenty of dick jokes? - I started the dick joke thing.

- You did not. Oh! - I did so.

- You know, that is so-- - Don't you remember that "I hate my penis" routine

I used to do? Come on.

- All right, the masturbator.

- I'll give you the masturbator. - Yeah. Right. Okay.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Just wanted to say hi. - Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Caroline, you know Suzy, Mike.

It's "Carol-line." Doesn't matter.

Have a nice meal. Just wanted to say hi.

You know, that whole...

You know, when people make a fuss about their name,

- That's a bit weird.

"Carol-lynn," "Carol-line."

But you know what, she's on a show now. She's, you know...

Mike: What are you gonna call yourself?

What's gonna be your name? Just Larry David?

I'm "Leary." I'm gonna tell her I'm "Leary."

- Yeah. Can you take those sunglasses off?

I'm not taking them off. Get off of it.

You've been telling me this since we--

Well, what are you wearing them for?

Why can't I wear sunglasses inside?

You know who wears sunglasses inside?

Blind people and assholes.

Okay, fine, I'm an asshole, all right?

- He's changed.

Larry Charles: He doesn't take criticism well.

He doesn't suffer fools gladly,

doesn't take criticism well.

I think once he believes in what he's doing,

he cannot be deterred.

So any external criticism is useless to him.

Hi, I'm calling for Michael Weingrad.

Larry David.

I really resent that, that "who's calling?"

You know, like some people are good enough to make the cut.

Yeah, hi.

Um, my name's Larry David,

and I used to be the executive producer on the "Seinfeld" show.

Well, I don't really know what to say to that.

Anyway, I'm calling on behalf of Jeff Yerkes,

who's applying for a position in development.

Um, no, you know, I worked--

he worked for me for a couple of years.

He's a-- you know, I gotta say,

that's a very weird thing that you said to me.

Well, "Never watch it, not a fan"?

That's-- well, it's-- yeah, of course.

I just think it's a stupid thing to say to somebody.

Well, what reason would you have to say that?

I don't know, I'm just calling up to put in a word for this guy

and then I hear this, "Never watch it, not a fan."

Look, hey, I don't wanna get--

I-- all I'm saying is it's a dumb thing to say.

Fine. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Good-bye.

Yes. Good-bye!

Did you hang up on him?

Well, we sort of hung up on each other.

And so what happened with the kid?

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I don't know.

I tried to call back, but they wouldn't take the call.

But how did you ask for him?

Were you-- did you-- had you changed your attitude by then when you called back,

or were you just like, "Ah, it's Larry David"?

I don't know why you're blaming this on me.

- I'm just curious. - The guy insulted me.

You should be defending me.

Well, it-- you know what, it was--

that wasn't nice of him to say that, but...

Yes, I know.

But here's this guy

who's trying to get a job, and what have you done?

What have I done? I haven't done anything?

I was insulted. Don't you see that?

But, I mean, are you gonna write him a letter now or something?

Write him a letter. "Dear Prick"...

- Okay, that's not gonna help. - "I'm sorry--

I'm sorry you're a prick."

- "I didn't know that you were such a prick when I called."

- Okay. - "But it really turned out that you were.

- In any event..." - I think this guy--

"...could you please give this young man a job?"

- He asked the wrong person.

I don't know...

I-- people used to like me.

Then all of a sudden...

I don't know how it's evolved like this,

but I used to have friends who really liked me.

Not women, but friends.

- Yeah, guys liked me.

I'm beginning to sense a whole wave of-- of antipathy.

A big wave of antipathy.

And now there will be millions of other people joining in on that wave.

Well, you invited this whole thing in.

This was your whole idea.

It wasn't my idea, it was Jeff's idea.

Well, hello.

Any manager has the problem

of dealing with their client's spouse,

because the spouse always thinks

that they're making the better decision than the manager.

Some people just rub you the wrong way.

Yeah-huh. And, uh...

that's how I feel about Jeff.

I just feel like...

I'm not sure he's always thinking about Larry.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Does my wife know?

Yeah.

So did she know that?

Oh, so that was gonna-- oh, gosh.

Just tell my wife. She'll stay.

Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.

Can I ask you a question?

You know I'm in the room, why don't you-- how come

you don't pick your head up just to, you know, say,

"Oh, one second," or something?

Because I'm in the middle of--

I'm giving them my attention when I'm on the phone.

I give you attention when you're in here.

I know, but all you have to do is just go, "One second."

You know, when I'm on the phone,

if I'm going like this and somebody comes in,

I go, "One second. One second."

And then I can go back to looking down.

But then-- but then if I say, "One second,"

they on the other end know the attention's not on them.

You don't have to say, "One second," you just--

- Like that. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Caroline Rhea called-- well, I talk to her every morning.

- Oh, Jesus. - Um, she said you saw her.

Yeah.

And, uh, well, first off, you called her "Carol

- Oh, my God. - Why would you call her "Carol

You know her name's "Carol-line."

You know, "Carol-lynn," "Carol-line." Is there a big difference?

You gotta start paying attention to details because it's people's names.

They get hurt.

The other thing is you didn't say good-bye to her.

I didn't say good-bye to her?

She came over to the table...

She was upset. I talked to her. She was upset.

She says, "First the name and then he didn't say good-bye to me."

- She came over to the table, okay? - Uh-huh.

She came over, it was uncomfortable.

She corrected me on the Caroline.

We talked a little bit, then she went to her table.

Now, am I obligated to go to her table now to say good

I've already said hello.

Do I have to say hello and good Why do I have to do both?

Can you just give her a call whenever you have time?

I'm not gonna call--

Just call up, say, "Hey!"

That's all I do, is apologize. All day long I'm apologizing.

It'd be a big favor to me if you did.

It's very hard to do the right thing all the time, 24 hours a day.

People are so touchy about all these little stupid things that go on.

Constantly. You know, it's tough--

It doesn't even pay to leave your house. What's the point?

I don't really see Larry, in the past,

as being someone secure.

It'll be interesting to see how he gets up onstage now.

Interviewer: Do you know precisely what your act will be tonight?

Are you-- how much of it is improvised,

how much of it is-- do you know exactly what your set's going to be?

I have an idea, but, um...

I don't really know the material at all.

Uh-huh. Will that be a hindrance, do you think?

I don't think it's gonna be a help.

- Cheryl: Larry, honey. - Yeah.

We need to go.

We need to go.

Oh, yeah, you're all revved up, aren't you?

Yeah, you're gonna be late.

- All right. - Okay.

- Okay. - So...

All right, you'll be laughing there, right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

I don't wanna walk out without you.

- All right. All right.

He was interviewing me, and I had a very long brush.

Man: This next performer

is returning to stand-up comedy after a 10-year absence.

Please welcome Larry David.

Thank you, thank you.

I think I'm gonna do very well tonight, I really do.

I'm feeling just unbelievably confident.

Well... that was a bad start. It was a bad start.

A really stupid start. I don't know why I did that.

Ah, you know, you'll see.

Well, you've been-- you seem like a very nice audience tonight.

I'm wondering, in case I break into some Spanish or French,

may I use the familiar tu form with you people?

Instead of usted, because I think usted

is gonna be a little too formal for this crowd.

I feel already I've established the kind of rapport

that I can jump into the tu form with you.

That quickly. I'm taking a tu liberty with you.

I'm gonna use the tu form, and that's it.

You can't talk me out of it.

You know, Caesar used the tu form with Brutus,

even after Brutus stabbed him.

He said, "Et tu, Brute,"

and I think that's a little too informal

when someone's trying to assassinate you.

I think at that point, perhaps, usted-- he would've been better off.

But that's Caesar.

That's crazy, wacky, mixed-up Julius Caesar.

He has tremendous conviction about what he thinks is funny,

and at the same time,

he'll just crush like an egg.

Like an empty shell.

- Honey. - Hey.

- That was great!

- Yes! Yes!

- Yeah.

How do you feel?

You know, I feel okay.

There are a few things that didn't-- didn't work.

Yeah.

- Yeah, I know.

- I mean-- - No, I know what didn't work.

You don't have to, you know-- I know what didn't work.

But I just-- I wrote some stuff down in case--

you know, in case we want to go back through it and...

- You said pussy a lot. - I didn't say it a lot.

I said it when it was appropriate for the material.

Yeah, but it was still a lot.

It didn't add to-- it didn't make it funnier.

- Jeff: Hey! Hey! - Hey!

That was great.

- Oh, thank you, thank you. - That was unbelievable.

- Man, 10-- wasn't he great? - Yeah.

- She thinks I said pussy too much. - A little too much.

Oh, no, you said-- you can say it more.

- No, pussy's great. You can't say pussy enough.

You can't say pussy-- pussy's a good comedy word.

Okay, great. I'm gonna wait inside.

It's good to see you again.

Great, yeah. So, I'll see you soon.

Okay, well, just give me five minutes, and then we'll go.

- Okay. - All right.

I'll talk about your act in a second. She doesn't like me.

No. - She doesn't like me.

- No, don't say that. No.

I was stupid even to agree on the pussy thing.

- Man: Great set, Larry. - Oh, thank you. She likes you.

But, um... talk about you. Great set, great set.

It was a great set.

Hey! Hey!

Larry, I'm Caroline Rhea. Have we met?

Yeah, Caroline. Why do you make such a big deal about your name?

- Because it's my name.

It's how I respond.

People say it, and then I turn around.

What's the difference, Lynn, Line?

- I've never mispronounced your name. - Hi, Larry, Dave, whatever.

You can call me any-- I don't care

if you call me "Leary" or Larry, it doesn't matter.

All right, it's no big deal.

- Jeff: Yeah, it's no big deal. - It's fine.

I do apologize for not coming over to say good-bye.

That I should've done, even though the hello was really good.

- It wasn't that good.

- It was a good hello. - It wasn't such a good hello that it equaled a good-bye.

I gave you a nice hello, and I just forgot--

I forgot to say good-bye.

- I'm sorry.

You were great tonight, but I would try and use the word pussy more.

I think the kids really liked it.

Wait a second, don't go, don't go. Don't be mad.

Oh, don't leave and not say good

I would never do something like that.

- Good-bye, Laurie. - "Carol-lynn. Carol-lynn."

Caroline?

Hey, Ed, I'll see you tomorrow.

I thought I'm gonna see you tonight.

- I'm gonna see you later.

- The thing.

Mark's father.

- Oh. - He's dead. He passed away.

The thing, the condolence thing.

- Of course I'm going.

I told him, you know, I'll be there.

- You come with me. - I can't be around mourners.

It's...

I feel like they're gonna lash out at me,

tell me, you know, what they think of me.

They'll take this as an opportunity

to tell me what they think of me.

I can't-- look, this is-- you know Mark,

and I know even though you don't know him well,

you'll come with me for 10 minutes.

It's not gonna hurt anything.

I don't even know-- why are you going?

Why did you tell him you were going?

I mean, it's not even his father.

It's his stepfather.

His father's still alive.

I mean, this is a step.

I already dug a ditch for myself, though.

How can I get out of it now?

Well, see, if you go, then it's gonna make--

then it makes me look terrible that I'm not there.

All right, you're not going, right?

All right, okay. All right.

I mean, if somebody in my family died,

would I want a bunch of people I know

to waste their time coming to my house,

sitting around, eating M&M's for three hours?

What's the point?

Seems like a pretty good audience in there.

- Yeah.

Well, good. You're gonna be great.

Um... I wrote that guy a letter today.

Remember that guy Weingrad?

Weingrad, the guy from Warner Bros.?

- Oh, okay. - I had the fight with on the phone?

You apologizing to him?

- Yeah.

"Dear Mr. Weingrad, I called you last week

to try and put in a good word for Jeff Yerkes,

a bright, industrious, and talented young man

who would be a great asset to your company.

I hope that any contentiousness that arose between us

would not jeopardize any chance he might have had of being hired.

I'm sorry if I caused you any distress,

though it obviously wasn't all my fault,

and I would hope that if there is ever any need

for us to communicate again, it will be in better humor."

Wasn't all your fault, it was--

Well, it wasn't. Obviously, it wasn't all my fault.

I'm not gonna say it's all my fault.

He's gotta take some responsibility for it.

I'd rewrite that if I were you.

- I would rewrite it.

- Hey, Al.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you.

- Good, good.

I saw your old house today in the Valley.

- You're kidding. - No, I've been looking at houses in the Valley,

this realtor showed me your old house.

She goes, "Yeah, Larry David used to live here."

- "I know Larry."

We like the house, and we're seriously thinking of putting a bid on it.

- Get outta here! - It's a great house, man.

- How long has it been on the market?

I've been trying-- you know, it's been on the market for about a year.

Al: I'm excited. We've looked at about 20, 30 houses in the Valley.

- You know, we're-- - Why do you wanna move to the Valley?

Well, we need a little more room, and, you know--

Man: Larry, Larry, you're up.

Al: I know it gets hot there, but, uh...

- Hey, good luck, man. - Thanks.

- It must have been very, very stressful

to have grown up living next door

to Jonas Salk's mother, I would imagine.

- You know, you got this woman,

and, you know, every day, the same thing.

"Estelle, did I-- did I happen to mention, uh...

that my son Jonas, uh...

who your little Stevie never let play in the games

or stuck him in right field, and who never went out

with the girls and wasn't athletic,

did I happen to mention...

that he discovered the cure for polio?

My little Jonas!

Polio. He's mine! I love him!

My Jonas!"

Larry: I've been trying to sell that house for two years.

You're lucky I didn't tell my wife.

All right, let's get started.

Um, Julie has been scouting some venues,

- and I think we found one you're gonna be happy with. - Man: Oh, this place is good.

Looked at a bunch of venues, and I think the best one for you

is gonna be the Pasadena Civic Auditorium.

Are you familiar with this venue?

- No. - It's beautiful. It is a great, great house.

Holds about 3,000 seats.

It's warm, it's elegant, it's exactly, I think, what we're looking for.

- Yeah, but it's very-- yeah, it's a warm feeling.

- Judy: It's intimate, believe it or not. - Julie: It really is.

It's really not as big as it looks.

- This is huge. - That's not that big.

Look at the size of this. - It's not that big.

Julie: It's okay. It's available when we need it, ample parking.

How are you gonna fill up this place?

Any audience seats that are not filled,

it's very simple-- we pay for the house, we bring in groups--

What does that mean, pay for the house?

You bring in groups of people like the Marines and convalescent homes.

- Jeff: No, no, no.

Julie: They're paid. They're a paid audience.

- Julie: It's $10 a head.

- Larry: You pay them to laugh? - Yeah, yeah.

- So, in other words, the show's fixed? - Julie: It's not fixed.

We did this with Eddie Griffin, and it was very successful.

I mean, the only thing I recommend is you don't use seniors.

No offense to seniors, but they tend to talk out loud during--

Judy: Yeah, they can't-- sometimes they'll ask you to-- "What did he say?"

Man: It's all innocent, but it's very distracting.

- Judy: Um, well... - Yeah, let's take a look at the models, huh?

- Judy: Sure. - Uh, yeah, well, I don't know if you overheard,

but, um, I just had this idea--

Jeff: Who are you? What are you doing?

My name's Suzy, and I'm the production designer.

Jeff: Right, Suzy. I'm sorry. I apologize.

I just wanna show you the model.

It's something I'm really, really excited about.

Take a look at this. This should look familiar.

It'll open up on the "Seinfeld" set.

As you can see, this--

the stage rotates, and--

so it'll open up on the "Seinfeld" set,

and then it'll rotate to reveal...

Larry, the man behind the scenes.

The man behind "Seinfeld."

- Man: That's great.

- Man: Seeing that revolve, too, is great. - Suzy: Yeah.

- Judy: Yeah. - Suzy: There you go. The man behind "Seinfeld."

- Judy: And we can add a craft service table if you want. Isn't that fun?

Judy: Clever. Really excited about it.

Well... I know you put a lot of work into this.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, uh, the idea, the concept, is, uh--

- is very clever. - Thank you.

And it looks good and all that,

but, um, I just don't think it's right.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, wow.

- Larry: There's no way. It's impossible.

Larry: Yeah.

- Okay. - Man: Excuse me.

We've already designed a whole program around that idea.

No, it's okay. I mean, we wanna make this...

We wanna make Larry happy and--

Well, I did-- I did bring another one,

because I know you kind of want something really simple.

- This is really simple and...

There you go.

- Man: Oh, that's a good one. Fun.

Just a simple curtain.

- Plain.

- Suzy: That's Larry. - Jeff: Oh, okay.

Suzy: You know, if you could picture yourself right here...

If you have a Smith & Wesson on you,

just put it to my head and pull the trigger.

'Cause if that-- 'cause if I look anything like that,

I really don't wanna be living on the planet anymore.

- Man: It's just fun.

This actually comes-- this actually comes off.

Yeah, okay. That's okay.

- That's fine.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Man: That's nice. - You know, there's not a lot to this.

Larry: Yeah, well...

Suzy: This makes my job real easy.

Man: No, we'll go with that, then, huh?

Great. - Larry: Yeah.

- Man: That's nice. - Larry: Very good.

- Judy: Perfect. Great. - Larry: Very good.

Interviewer: Are you concerned about how well

this situation with HBO is going to go?

I'm not really too concerned about HBO.

- I am concerned about that auditorium, though. - Yeah.

Larry: Well, it's clear I wouldn't have done this

without Jeff pushing me to do it.

Sometimes I curse him on my way home

or something that I'm actually doing it.

And, you know, my wife, to tell you the truth,

really can't stand him.

She wants me to leave him.

Of course, I'm sure he wants me to leave her.

The one thing about Hitler that I admire

is that he wouldn't take any shit from magicians, you know?

Hitler was a big, big fan of magic, and...

Hitler would go to a-- he'd go to a magic club,

and he'd watch the show, and...

afterwards, he'd go backstage

and talk to the magician.

He'd go...

"That was a wonderful show,

and I was just wondering-- I was talking to my friend.

Where's the rabbit?"

"I'm sorry, mein Führer, uh...

I'm really glad you enjoyed it,

but we're really not allowed to tell about the secrets.

You know, they're tricks. We're not allowed."

"Yes, yes, I understand you're not allowed to tell,

but just tell me, where's the rabbit?"

"Mein Führer, really, it's a union thing.

We just--" "Where is the rabbit?!

You will tell me where the rabbit is now!"

- Woman: 65¢.

- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

Interviewer: So, these clubs that you're playing in New York,

are these the clubs that you played 10 years ago?

Yeah, one club-- one club is like...

- Hey, Mark. - Hey, Larry.

Hey. How you doing?

I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather.

Yeah, thanks. I just got back from Detroit.

Oh, no kidding. Wow.

I'm so sorry, 'cause I wanted to go to the wake that night,

and I had to go to my daughter's school.

They had, like, this pizza night or something,

and the kids came in pajamas,

and I told my wife that, you know, I wanted to go to the wake, and...

( indistinct announcement over P.A. )

You know, uh...

Well, I'm happy to hear that at least you were thinking about it.

Everything okay? The funeral was all right?

You know, it is what it is.

It's death, you know? It's part of life, right?

Yeah. It is, I guess.

We're lucky to be alive.

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

Yeah, you gotta, you know...

Um, well, shit, can I call you next week?

Because I gotta-- I gotta catch a plane here.

Sure, Larry, give me a call.

That's fine.

Did you get the flowers?

- No. You didn't get the flowers?

No, I didn't get anything, Larry.

- I sent-- I sent flowers. - Didn't get a phone call, a card, or flowers.

My wife was supposed to send the flowers.

I told her to send flowers. You didn't get them?

- Well, she didn't do it. - Oh, I am so pissed off at her.

- My wife-- - I was pretty pissed about that, too, Larry, you know?

I mean, the least you could have done is, like, called me or something.

You know, I thought we were friends.

I can't believe that.

- Ed came.

- Yeah.

He was here. He brought flowers himself.

He delivered them himself.

I mean, it's just a courtesy.

You could have at least called, Larry.

Want a piece of gum?

No, Larry, I don't want a piece of gum.

What do you think this costs?

If you wanted to do a science experiment

that people are what they are despite their environment,

this is the guy.

Everything in his environment

and his context of his life has been changed.

Everything.

And he is absolutely the same.

This guy proves you are what you are.

- Here you go. Thank you. - Oh, thank you so much. That's very nice of you.

- Thank you. - Mr. David, hi.

Patrick O'Hara. I'm HBO Media Relations.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hey, we talked!

How was the flight?

- Pretty good. - Good.

Couple of celebrities on board.

- Um, Ellen Barkin.

- Jeff: Yeah.

Great, great body.

- She's hot, yeah. - Yeah, she's hot.

And who is-- what's her name from "Saturday Night Live"?

- Oh, Molly Shannon. - Yeah.

Oh, did she fuck any stewards to death?

Oh, God...

- I said did she-- did she fuck anybody

and kill them on the plane in first class?

What are you talking about?

- Come on, it's a Molly Shannon thing.

What Molly Shannon thing?

Come on.

You don't know this? Great. Okay.

Molly Shannon fucked two guys to death.

She was engaged to both of them--

I'm serious. She fucked two guys to death.

One was this guy, like this 50-year-old guy,

first year on "SNL," some, like, business manager that she was engaged to.

They had sex, he-- his heart, like, exploded.

She fucked him to death, and she just got over it

and she was going out with one of the sound guys.

I mean, he got-- they fucked,

and he died, too.

- I'm-- I am-- I couldn't be more serious.

Larry: First of all, I know Molly Shannon, and I never heard this.

I love Molly Shannon. I'm just saying--

My wife is really a good friend of hers,

so I don't know where you get that from.

- I think she's the best thing on the show.

I know this because my lover, Paul,

is friends with Brian, who's the costumer over at "SNL."

You know what they say about Irish Catholic girls.

- I would know. 'Cause I am one. - Larry: Okay.

Patrick, Patrick.

Pardon me, you shouldn't-- you shouldn't really, you know.

I mean, there's a driver here and you shouldn't even be talking about that to anyone.

That's a crazy thing to talk about.

Okay.

Larry: The closest I ever came to death

was when I masturbated with a 104-degree temperature.

I was-- I had the flu and I was sweating.

I was under the covers, I was shivering.

And the sweat was coming down

and I couldn't even raise my arm, hardly.

And all of a sudden, it started, like, to drip down.

And I'm dying here.

And the next thing I know, boom-boom-boom.

You know, and then, oh, my God.

I thought I was dead. I saw the white light.

I started drifting toward the white light.

And then there's my uncle going,

"Oh, my God, you disgusting animal!

- What the hell's the matter with you?"

- I thought the posse thing worked very well tonight. - Oh, it was great.

- I loved that. - That worked, and...

Hi, honey.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

I-- I was supposed to-- upstairs.

- I'm sorry. - I know. I was waiting for you.

I know, I was supposed to come up there.

I-- oh! I-- I know.

Look, it's Becky. Becky, it's Larry.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi.

- Heard a lot about you.

- Yeah, so... - I'm so glad to see you.

Yeah, I know. It's nice, nice.

You wanna-- - I don't know.

You wanna go get something to eat?

- That sounds like fun.

All right, so, um,

you feeling good about what went on upstairs?

Feel pretty good about it?

Yeah, not bad.

Good. That's good.

- Let's go. - All right, good.

- So--

That's okay, thank you. I'm good.

I'm gonna go back to the hotel, but thanks anyway.

I'll talk to you-- till later.

- Yeah, good. - Good.

- Okay. Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.

Cheryl: You're not gonna go out with Jeff tonight?

Go out with Jeff? What are you, crazy?

It's 1:00 in the morning.

- I don't know, I just...

I'm tired. I just got back. I'm gonna go to sleep.

All right, just curious.

- Yeah. - See what you guys are doing out there.

Doing? Believe me, we're not doing anything.

- We're not doing a thing. Okay.

There's nothing that we're doing except working.

- Okay! - I'll talk to you tomorrow.

- Okay. Bye. - Okay. Bye.

Why didn't you tell me you were bringing her to breakfast?

- I wouldn't have come. - You wouldn't have come if you knew she was coming?

No, why would I want to have breakfast with the two of you?

- Well, we talked. - I know. It's not that.

But I could have done something else, you know.

Eh, you know.

Your wife doesn't know anything about this?

I'll-- I'll tell you more later.

- I don't wanna, you know. - Hey, guys.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

So I gotta go to MTV. What are you doing?

Um, I don't know, I think I'll just...

maybe take a walk in the park.

Through the East Side?

- Huh. - That's where my tie shop is.

Why don't you go walking with him and pick up the ties.

- Okay.

And I'll meet you later. I'll see you back at the hotel.

Okay, bye.

Bye. I'll see you later.

What are you-- what are you doing?

I'm walking over to the East Side to pick up his ties.

- Um, okay. - Let's go.

It's a really nice day out.

- Mmm, not really.

- Oh. It's great.

Yeah, this is a great park to do it in.

Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

That's awfully thin, isn't it, those wheels?

- It's good exercise. Yeah?

Larry? Hi. It's Cindy DeCoste.

- Oh, hey.

- God, good to see you.

Nice to see you.

It is so funny. I was just thinking of Cheryl this morning.

I was going through my jewelry box and saw some--

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, this is a-- a friend of mine, Becky.

- Hi, I'm Becky. - Hi, Cin-- uh, Cindy. How you doing?

Actually, a friend of a friend.

Oh.

So we just had a cup of coffee before

with her friend.

Becky: Coffee's good. You know, whatever.

No, I mean with her friend.

We had coffee with her friend,

and then her friend, like, left and...

- All right. - Yeah.

So, let's, you know.

You-- okay.

- He's great.

- Yeah, he's doing great.

So, we're doing really good together.

Good. Oh, good, good.

All right, well, so, um...

Yeah, tell Cheryl I said hi.

I will, I'll tell her you said hi.

Great, I'll-- okay, great.

- Take care. - All right.

- See you later. - It's good that you're jogging.

- That's great. Okay.

Let's go-- let's go this way.

She seemed nice.

Who's Cheryl?

- My-- my wife. - Oh, oh.

Larry: This is actually a great time for me to cheat on my wife

because of that whole Clinton scandal.

You know, 'cause she was such a staunch supporter of the guy

that, you know, what is she gonna say?

I can do whatever I want. Come on.

Did Clinton actually think that he was gonna get blowjobs

from a Jew and get off scot

What was he gonna do?

The guy never-- obviously was never with a Jew before.

He thinks he's gonna get blowjobs--

blowjobs from a Jewish woman

and that's gonna be the end of it?

No consequences?

What is he, crazy?

Yeah, let me ask you a question--

who do you think has more freedom?

The married man in America

or the single man in Communist China?

I gotta go for the single guy in Communist China.

Come on, there's no contest.

You know.

I mean, I'm a married guy in America.

I can leave the country, but I can't leave my house.

You know.

They can leave the house, but they can't leave the country.

I'll go for that. I like that better.

I'm not going to Europe. Where the hell am I going?

Hey, are you there?

Pick up if you're there.

Hello? No

How come you're not home?

All right, you didn't talk to your friend Cindy today, did you?

You know... you know she's got a big mouth, right?

And if she said anything to you, which she probably shouldn't have said,

I hope you didn't believe it.

Because if she said anything to you, I mean, she's out of her mind.

I can't even imagine what she could have said, but...

you know, come on, it's-- it's crazy.

You did tell her to shut up, right?

To mind her own business?

That I would never, ever do anything like that?

I mean, come on, she's 25 years old.

So-- so don't be-- don't be pissed off.

Nothing happened. You know that.

All right?

I love you. Ahem.

I love you and my voice went up on that,

but, you know, that-- that doesn't mean anything.

It was just because I have a little bit of a sore throat.

So, you know that I love you.

My voice shouldn't have gone up on that.

It was just a terrible coincidence.

Larry: Yeah, checking out. David, Larry David.

And the room number?

Um, 5201.

Just a final signature, please. Only for your incidentals.

$276?

- Yes. - I made, like, five phone calls or something.

Well, it's actually phone calls

and it shows a number of movies right here.

- You can take a look.

Oh, okay, fine. What are you doing? Give it to me.

No! No, no, no, no! HBO pays for the porn.

- Could you-- could you-- - HBO pays for porn.

- Shut up, shut up. - Patrick, come here.

- No. - HBO should pay for the porn.

The porn?

Actually, it shows that it's only room and tax plus the meals.

Right...

Well, we handle the room and tax,

but I can make a call about the porn.

- I-- don't call anybody. - Call about the porn.

I'm paying for it.

No, stop it. Stop wasting! Why do you waste?

- I'll pay for it. - No, you need when you need to relax, okay?

- Shut up. No. - HBO is paying for the porn.

- They're set up only for room and tax.

- Only for room and tax.

- Losmir. - Jeff: Losmir, just charge it for now.

Please call someone about the porn.

- Please. - I can make a call right now about the porn.

- HBO will cover the porn. - Larry: I don't care. I don't care.

Why do you waste?

Crazy.

Losmir: So, Mr. David, I'll need your signature, please.

- Jeff: If I were-- - Shut up!

So you would like to settle everything?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Yeah, okay. - Thank you.

And I'll give you a final copy.

- Sorry about the-- - It's fine. Don't worry about it.

- Here you go. And here's your receipt. - Thanks.

- Okay, that's fine. I don't-- I don't want it. - Okay.

Want me to make a call? I can make a call.

Don't make any calls, please.

Do me a favor, just don't mention this.

I won't say a thing.

I think if he had the opportunity,

he would kill people that--

if he thought he can get away with it,

I think he would, like, put contracts out

on people that crossed him.

What the hell is going on, Larry?

I was with...

this guy I knew from college and his girlfriend.

And when we left the restaurant-- we were having breakfast.

When we left the restaurant,

I was left with her 'cause he went someplace,

and I was walking-- I said I was gonna walk through the park,

and she tagged along with me.

Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

And then we ran into Cindy, who was jogging.

And I thought that Cindy...

thought that I was doing something untoward.

You know?

Why would she think that?

Because I was with this blonde woman in the park.

- What were you doing with her? - Just walking.

Wait-- wait a second.

- No, it's-- I'm...

- That's what happened! - Okay, but the--

Well, what do you think? I wanna walk with this woman?

She was talking about ginseng for an hour and a half!

- I-- I don't wanna talk to her! - This is--

Okay, so what did you say to Cindy when you ran into her?

Did you say, "Hi, this is my college friend's girlfriend"?

No, I said, yeah, this is somebody--

I said it was a friend of a friend.

What, a friend of a friend? What-- that's the craziest--

I was a little thrown.

But you're not having an affair?

I swear on my children's lives

that I'm not having an affair, okay?

Now, isn't that enough?

You swear on your children's life that

the girl you were with was your...

college roommate's girlfriend?

I swear on my children's lives that the girl I was with was not my girlfriend,

that I just met her that morning, had breakfast with her,

and walked in the park with her.

- So she's not your girlfriend? - No. No.

Then, who is she?

She's just this woman, you know.

Is she Jeff's?

No.

You swear on your children's life?

Larry...

Um...

You know, this whole business

about swearing on my children's lives

is starting to make me very uncomfortable.

Larry: It's a good thing they didn't have

answering machines when they were trying to form posses, you know.

'Cause everybody would be screening.

You know what I mean?

"Larry, this is Sheriff Robbins calling.

We're getting a, uh"--

"We're getting a posse together

this afternoon around 2:30.

We're gonna meet by the old red barn.

Jeez, we'd sure appreciate it"--

"We'd sure appreciate it if you could make this posse soon.

We're kind of short on guys, and, uh...

we only got about three or four guys,

and, shit, we can really use you.

You know what?

We're gonna be going after the Fontinato gang,

and that's some tough motherfuckers, boy, and, uh...

we-- you better bring some warm clothing.

It's gonna be cold out there.

It's colder than shit out there, and, uh, we're gonna--

we're gonna be gone about, oh, maybe about six, seven days,

so, you know, stock up, and, uh...

the Fontinato-- I gotta tell you once again,

they're-- they're tough, so...

I sure hope-- I sure hope you can make it.

And, uh...

I hope to see-- I hope to see you out there."

Then you-- two weeks later,

you run into the sheriff in town.

"Sheriff! Oh, my God!

What happened? I just-- I got home at 3:00!

I just missed your message!

How'd the posse go? Did it go okay?

What happened? Did you catch him?

I-- I never found out. What happened?

Oh, I was so pissed off!

I tried, I went over to the red barn.

Nobody was there.

They told me you just left.

Oh, shit."

I can guarantee you this.

Now, we haven't filmed the special yet,

the concert part of it,

but no matter how that goes,

I can guarantee from his experiences

of being onstage again,

that Larry David will never stop doing stand-up comedy,

no matter what.

I'll tell you one thing--

if I was ever in a situation like that

and the day ever came where I couldn't wipe myself,

that's when I call Kevorkian.

"Come on down, Jack. You know, I need-- I need your help.

I'm checking out. Bring the injection."

And, you know, that's when mercy killing should be tolerated.

Thanks for getting me this gig, 'cause I'm really...

- ...just delighted with this whole thing.

I think we've come to the end of the line here.

I know, I know, it's very disappointing to all of you.

And me, too. Me, too.

But, you know,

this is what happens when you run out of nothing.

- Thank you very much. Good night.

He's not good with himself.

He's not at peace with himself after he bombs

until he goes up onstage again and does well.

I don't talk to him about the concert

because I know that'll only bring out a sense of anxiety.

So I don't bring it up. We'll go there, we'll shoot it.

It'll be zip in, zip out. That's it.

He's not gonna bomb, he's gonna kill.

He's gonna just-- he's gonna devastate.

This is gonna be the best concert special

that they've had in years, really.

They're gonna be shocked by how he's going to kill.

They might ask him to do another one right away.

Man: Okay, that's good.

Good afternoon, HBO.

One moment, please.

- Hi. - Hi, Larry David to see Allan Wasserman.

Sure.

Hi, Susan?

I have Larry David here to see Allan.

- Um, actually, no.

But it's kind of urgent.

He says no, but it's kind of urgent.

Well, you know, it's not like

an emergency or anything, but it's important.

Well, he says it's not really an emergency,

but it's important, so.

- You know, I just basically need to talk to him. - Okay, sure.

- It'll just be a couple of minutes.

Good afternoon, HBO. Sure.

- Hey.

- Oh, he's not here today.

- No. No.

- Oh, I see. Have a seat. - Okay.

Oh. Judy's gonna be joining us.

- Oh, all right. - There she is!

What's going on? - Hi. Good.

Well, I'm sorry, but it looks like

I'm not gonna be able to do the special, the show.

What happened?

It's my stepfather.

He, um-- he got in a car accident

and he's in a-- yeah, he's in a coma,

and, uh, I gotta go to Florida

to deal with my mother.

- God. - It's all her fault.

- Yeah, she, uh--

Well, she made him put his seatbelt on

while he was driving and he couldn't coordinate it

and hit a pole.

- So...

No, he's in a coma.

He's in a coma, but he's in and out of the coma.

So, he comes in, he goes out-- I don't know.

At this point, we're 48 hours away.

Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.

- It's a terrible tragedy... - I was so psyched and ready for it, too.

I think you should really consider

trying to go through with it at this point.

Well, you know, Allan, I have to tell you

there's no way that I can do it because...

you know, I even broached this idea to my mother,

and she just completely broke down.

- Totally broke down.

She-- she fell on the floor.

They had to pick her up to put her back on the phone.

Allan: She's in shock, of course.

Are you close to your father?

- I mean... - Stepfather.

Oh, sorry. Are you close to him?

Well, not really.

We went fishing a couple of times together.

Um...

But we had a good time out in the boat that afternoon.

We had such a good time, we went back again the second time.

Allan: Can't somebody else go down there and...

- You have no other-- nobody down there for-- - No, no, she needs me.

- I mean, I'm her son. - What if we were to hire

a primary caregiver who-- a professional in that field?

It's not the same. It's not family.

I mean, you should have heard her on the phone last night.

"Larry, Larry, please. I need you.

Don't-- Larry, you have to come! Larry!"

Okay.

Terrible timing.

I mean, this is not just like a gig at The Improv, Larry.

- I know, I understand. - Give me a break here.

I totally-- you know, give you a break?

- My stepfather is in a coma in the hospital, all right? - Allan: I know, I understand.

That's the most important thing right now.

So let's-- you know, this is show business, okay?

- I mean... - It's a very difficult situation.

- There's no bad people. - Larry: Right.

- It's a bad situation. - No, no. True, true.

I need some sort of idea when we can resume schedule here.

You know what, we're just gonna have to wait and see what happens.

- Allan: We need to have some kind of a schedule. - I can't give you a schedule,

'cause I don't-- I'm not in charge of comas.

I've never dealt with a coma before.

I have no coma experience, so I don't know.

Well, does she understand that-- what is at stake here?

She totally understands. She doesn't care.

It's-- you have to cancel it, and, you know, we'll reassess

once I get down there and see what the situation is.

Would we be able to contact you there?

I'll call you. Yeah, I'll call you.

I'll let you know what's going on.

The show's over for right now.

I gotta fly to Florida now.

Oh, God, what a nightmare.

- Guess I gotta get on the phone. - Right.

- All right. - Yeah, you go do that.

- I've got a lot of work to do. - Okay.

Well, you know, death, it's a part of life.

We're lucky to be alive.

- All right. - Okay.

- Okay. - Take care.

- All right. Bye. - Allan: All right, bye.

Larry, if anything else is going on,

now is the time to tell me.

I don't know what you're implying by that...

but I swear on my children's lives...

Say no more.

Validation, please.

- Larry. - Hey.

How you doing?

What-- what are you do-- you didn't get the job?

Obviously not, huh?

I'm shocked.

I heard that was, uh, quite a recommendation you gave me.

Oh. Well, I-- you know, I called up and the guy--

- You insulted the guy. - I didn't insult the guy.

- That's what he said you did. - No, that's not accurate.

- That is not accurate.

I called up and he insulted me.

He-- he made a crack about the show--

"Never watched it, not a fan."

Well, so what? Not everybody likes the show.

Of course they don't like the show.

I don't expect them to like the show, but now--

But you didn't have to insult the guy on the phone.

Could you validate this for me, please?

- Thanks. - He told me that you insulted him on the phone

and then you sent him a letter afterwards,

- adding insult to injury. - I wrote him-- it's about an hour.

I wrote him a very nice letter, a beautiful letter.

- And-- - Yeah, he told me about that as well.

And I said some wonderful things about you in the letter.

Well, if you had said such wonderful things,

- why would I be sitting behind this desk? - I don't know.

It's bewildering, frankly.

- Yeah, to me, too. - I'm quite puzzled by it.

- Me, too. - I'm puzzled by the whole thing.

Well, he said that you insulted him at the end of the letter

and virtually took back everything that you had said.

I didn't insult him at all. You know what?

Um, you're better off because the guy's an idiot

and you wouldn't have even liked working for him.

- I don't care. It was a great opportunity. - Believe me, opportunity--

blessing in disguise, young man.

- Blessing in disguise. - Well, then, can you make a phone call to somebody?

I gotta catch a plane to Florida.

- My stepfather is in a coma. - I'm sorry to hear about your stepfather.

That's too bad, but, Larry--

I gotta-- I'll be back.

I-- I come-- I see Allan all the time.

We see-- we're friendly.

Well, there's gotta be somebody you can call!

Larry, come on!

♪ Yes, you say either, I say either ♪

- ♪ You say neither and I say neither... ♪

♪ Either, either, a-neither, neither ♪

♪ A-let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Yes, you like potato and I like potahto ♪

♪ You like tomato and I like tomahto ♪

♪ Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off, yeah ♪

♪ You say laughter and I say lahfter ♪

♪ You say after and I say ahfter ♪

♪ Laughter, lahfter, after, ahfter ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Oh, so if you like pajamas ♪

♪ I like pajamas ♪

♪ I wear pajamas ♪

♪ You've got pajamas ♪

♪ For we know we need each other ♪

♪ So we better call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ Yes. ♪