Original subtitles

♪ We've come A long, long way together ♪

♪ Through the hard times And the good ♪

♪ I have to Celebrate you, baby ♪

♪ I have to praise you Like I should... ♪

Now time for the man you've all been waiting for.

He is the king of the high street.

He's the Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of retail.

He's the Da Vinci of dealmaking.

And he's the Monet of money.

Sir Richard McCreadie!

Thank you very much, Caroline.

In that wonderful Monda dress, you look knockout.

When I was at school, my, uh, schoolteacher used to read us

a fairy tale at the end of the day.

And my favorite fairy tale was.

"The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg."

That's what Monda is to me.

Monda is the golden goose,

and I love the eggs that it lays.

Tonight, we're gonna reward the shining stars. First up,

Distribution Team Leader of the Year,

and that is Amanda Conrad.

Here's 10,000 pounds for you to distribute.

Lifetime Achievement Award

goes to Philip Walker.

I think I should've got this one, to be honest.

I'm sure you put a few hours in yourself. Congratulations.

Next is Buyer of the Year,

for driving the hardest bargains in the business.

Glad I don't have to deal with him.

Good friend of mine, Michael Harris.

Well done. Well done. Here you go.

This year, I'm delighted to announce

that Monda have paid out the biggest dividend

that any private company has ever paid.

One-point-two billion pounds to be paid to our owner

and my very own billion-dollar babe, Samantha.

Um, wow, that is a really big check.

I don't know what to do with all those zeros.

But, um, I feel like we've earned it,

so thank you so much to Rich, and thank you to everybody.

You guys, you know, you've all worked so hard,

and this is for all of you.

I mean... No, not literally, but I mean, thank you.

Thank you.

What a mess.

Why did he need to build an amphitheater?

It was a crazy idea. Too ambitious.

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:

Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

- What? - Oh, nothing.

On Friday night for the welcoming drinks,

we are at the Jackie O' Bar. Nice and informal.

That's where Pixie Lott and Fatboy Slim will be playing.

- Oh, great. Yeah. - Yeah. Um, on Saturday,

we're going to bring the grand piano

to the Oasis Pool for Elton.

Then Sunday daytime we're going to go to the arena

for the gladiator games,

- as you requested. - Yay!

And Sunday night, down by the beach, Coldplay.

What's he saying?

Why are you shrugging? What's he saying?

- Don't know. - You don't know? Why?

He's Bulgarian. I'm Greek.

- You don't understand it? - No.

Fucking hell, Giannis, man!

There is more than one type of foreign language.

I know that. I'm not an idiot. Why are you hiring Bulgarians?

They're cheap. That's why.

It's slow, Giannis. The whole lot.

They never made an amphitheater before.

Yeah, I've never made an amphitheater before, obviously.

This our main beach.

Yeah.

Nice.

Who are they?

They... They are camping.

What is it, Duke of Edinburgh?

- Syrian refugees. - Poor things.

They've come a long way. They won't mind going further.

- Rich. - What?

They're refugees.

They can find refuge somewhere

that isn't smack bang in the middle of our fucking view.

In Greece, all beaches are public.

It's not me. It's my guests.

Some of them are very superficial.

It's just, all I can see is plywood, mate.

I'm really anxious. This is... It's not finished.

Don't worry. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Yeah, but this is... This is a tiny little bit of Rome,

and you've had 10 days.

We could make a virtue of it being half built.

The ruins of an ancient amphitheater.

No. No ruins.

No ruins. Melanie, tell him why.

One photo, and it's an easy tabloid headline.

The end of an empire. Fiddling while Rome burns.

- Handing it to them on a plate. - I know.

They're already like flies on shit.

Sorry. I am joking. It will be finished.

Actually, Rich, from this angle, it looks very...

- It's very imperial. - Ohh...

Those who are about to die salute you.

Go on, then. Die.

I'm dying.

Nah, you can die better than that. Die again, but better.

I'm dying.

What's wrong with him? Looks like a rescue cat

that needs to be put down.

I warned you, they don't like being moved.

It takes time for them to settle.

We've not brought him to go on a yoga retreat.

- He's supposed to be scary. - When did you get here?

Last week. All this banging and clattering

isn't helping, all right?

What is this?

- It's... - It's like some sort of prison.

We need something to pep him up a bit. Some cocaine.

The kitchen staff have some. I was told.

What he needs is a sedative, if anything.

- Mum! - Oh, Nanny's here now.

- She's still alive. - Come here. Come here.

- Ah, Ricky. - Ah! All right, Finn.

- Hi, Dad. Yeah, go on. - Where's your big brother?

Adrian's busy working.

- He works too hard. - He'll be here on the night.

- He's a grafter, like his dad. - Yeah.

- Why have you got the lion? - It's for the gladiator games.

We're recreating Gladiator, like we used to.

It was tigers, not lions, in Gladiator.

That film was littered with inaccuracies.

Don't get me started on Gladiator.

We want it to be authentic.

- What's his name? - Clarence.

Hiya.

Schoolboy error.

Never ever show fear to a lion.

Lions can smell fear.

I'm like that. I can smell fear.

What you doing lurking around like a tabloid hack?

Uh, I'm Nick, the writer.

- Your biographer. - Yeah, I know who you are.

I was asking what the fuck you're doing.

Rich, don't frighten Nick. He's on your side.

Thank you, Sir Richard, for appearing before us today.

I wasn't aware I had a choice.

Retail fashion is a huge global industry.

In the UK alone, it's worth

an estimated 60 billion pounds annually.

The owner of H&M is the richest man in Sweden.

The owner of Zara is one of the richest men in the world.

You are Britain's equivalent.

Famous for owning several high-street brands,

including Monda and of course M&J.

Last year, M&J went bankrupt with the loss of 11,000 jobs.

- A lot of those were part-time. - You've been described

as the unacceptable face of capitalism. Is that fair?

Have you taken a look in the mirror?

You've been described as, uh, "Sir Greedy,"

uh, "Sir Shifty,".

"Greedy McCreadie."

Been calls for you to be stripped of your knighthood.

Sir Richard, what would you say to that?

Envy and jealousy, my doctor tells me,

are incurable diseases. I've done nothing wrong.

Yes, you have.

- Get off him, you bitch! - Disgusting man.

Do you know what you've...? Get off!

I hate those shites that try to embarrass my son in public.

- Scum of the earth. - Where is my job?

- Opportunistic bitch. - Where are our jobs?

How old are you, Nick?

- I'm 44. - Mm, you look...

- You look half that. - Oh, thank you very much.

You have very pale skin. Like a baby.

Um, ahem, so...

- So you are writing Ricky's book? - That's right.

If you're gonna write something, make sure it's good.

- Well, I'll try. - No, you can't try.

You gotta be able to do it.

You either do it or you can't do it.

Can you write the book, Nick?

Uh, yes. Yes, I can.

- Is that a "yes" I heard? - Yes.

Yes, that's fine.

My son Ricky, he pretends that he's...

He's... You know, he's cocky and loud

and all of that stuff, but he isn't really.

He's very sensitive, very, very shy.

Very shy little boy, he was, when he was at school, you know.

Much more sensitive than people think.

You know, he hides it with all his bluster.

Roll up for the amazing Señor Ricardo, aka Tricky Dicky.

Have you got a coin, Lewis, that I could borrow for this trick?

Thank you very much. Oh, we have 50 English pence.

Big spender. Now, watch carefully.

Well, as carefully as you can with your rubbish eyes,

as I make your coin...

disappear.

- Yeah! - Watch again

as I weave another spell,

make it come back. You ready?

You're up, Greedy.

Ah, shit. Sorry, Lewis.

I guess your coin's gone forever.

- Hey, that was my 50p. - It's vanished into the ether.

There's a very fine line between magic and tragic.

Always makes me laugh how everyone always thinks of him

as this sort of barrow boy, just because he left school at 16,

but, heh, it was a private school.

You know? And the two of us, we hated it.

Run, McCreadie!

- Can't. - No such word as "can't."

Yes, there is, sir. It's what the others call you.

At least it sounds like "can't."

Out.

When you've changed,

you can go to the headmaster's office.

Stop, sir. Stop, please.

Why, McCreadie?

You're tickling me, sir.

- Greedy! - You can fuck off.

Things definitely got worse when his dad died.

I mean, it was like school was some prison for him.

He was just...

you know, waiting to bust out.

- We might have to sell the house. - No. I can leave school.

Use the money you spend on the fees to pay for the mortgage.

Your daddy wanted you to have an education.

He believed in education.

He's not here now, is he? He's in the car in front.

I want you to be a success.

I want you to go to Oxford or Cambridge.

I want you to be able to do whatever you want to do.

And I just wanna make money

so I can do whatever I want to do.

How did he get the nickname "Greedy"?

Greedy McCreadie.

I mean, he chose the name.

It was his gambling name.

- Ladies, Lewis. - Piss off.

- Right, faites vos jeux. - What does that mean?

It's French for "place your fucking bets."

Cards was his thing. Even back then,

it was about gambling, it was about making money.

Who's gonna get it?

Okay, here we go.

Oh, has he gone bust? Ah, yes, he has.

That's all mine. Thank you very much.

- McCreadie. Gambling? - Lewis, thank you.

How can it be gambling when I always win?

It is more like robbery.

- Hand it over. - Sir, what are you doing?

Sir, no, no, no, no! Sir, I'm the banker!

- It is against school rules. - It's my money.

- No, this is mine. - I'm confiscating it.

What are you gonna do with it? Buy a toothbrush?

I'm gonna pay it to your mother and watch her dance.

I'm afraid at this school, we expect the highest standards

of behavior and achievement.

Is that why you hit children? Is that your high standard?

Corporal punishment is a necessary evil...

You're an unnecessary evil, hm?

Ricky, let's get out of here.

We don't need these people. We don't need this school.

I know your sort. You're the sort that used to put up

"no Irish, no blacks, no dogs" signs, hm?

I met plenty of people like you when I came to London.

Now look at me. Take a good look.

I've got much more money than most of them have

and a bloody sight more than you.

Bye.

Goodbye, Mrs. McCreadie.

The mother is worse than the son.

Bloody stuck-up English gits.

- We're gonna show them. - We are gonna be fine, Ricky.

We'll be more than fine.

Fuck them.

Fuck all of them.

- One more time. One more time. - Oh, no, no.

- Got it. - It's simple.

You know it's simple. Follow the queen.

Mm-hm.

Watch... the... queen.

Follow her like a corgi humping her leg.

- Right, Eric, where's the queen? - Heh-heh. Hm...

That one?

Balls. Every time. I don't know how you do it.

- Eric! - Come on, give me a fiver.

I've gotta go see my supplier.

- Drug supplier? - I don't need drugs.

I am fucking drugs.

What a prat.

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪ - ♪ That's... ♪

So you're... You're one of his oldest friends, his mentor.

He didn't need a mentor.

He was his own man from the start.

He had an instinct, a talent.

What do you want for this lot?

- Ten grand. - We both know this is shit.

I'll give you 4, and you'll shake my hand and kiss my arse.

If it's shit, then why do you want it?

- Four grand. - There's 500 items there.

Yeah, 500 items of shit. I'll give you 4 grand.

- You just gonna keep saying 4? - I can say 3 if you like. Three.

- I can't do 4. - Right. I've heard enough.

Okay, 4.

♪ London calling To the faraway towns ♪

♪ Now war is declared And battle come down... ♪

- How are you? - Hello, mate. You all right?

- And the back pain? - Yeah.

- Yeah, spasm? - Yeah.

When these are done, can you send them there?

That's it, pull up. Go there and we'll back you in.

Hey!

Just wait a second. Mate, what are you doing?

- Nothing. - Well, I don't care. Move!

Back, back, back. Keep moving, keep moving.

- Move! I've got a shop, wanker! - It'd make more sense.

Welcome to Impresse, where we will dress you for less.

Don't discount us because it's discount.

Do not judge it because it's budget.

Sir, why did the chicken cross the road?

Because we're selling the same clothes

at a fraction of the price.

Oh, is it a bit quiet?

Let me go inside. I'll see if I've got any spare customers.

Let me just squeeze in. Unh!

When he got going, Maggie Thatcher came to power,

Ronnie Reagan came to power. The market was king. It was god.

And... And Rich is a great market trader.

Drives a hard bargain.

Too hard, some would say.

Was it always obvious that he was gonna be a success?

- Heh, it was to him. - Huh.

He was always a cocky bugger.

Thirteen.

Can we get a bottle of champagne?

Of course, sir.

Fifteen.

- Seventeen. - Yes!

What's the average wage in Leicester?

I don't know. Three quid an hour.

Two eighty-eight. What is the average wage

- in Sri Lanka? Go on. - I have no idea. Uh...

- Quarter of that or something? - Fifty p.

Well, I was not that far off, was I?

- Plus transport costs... - No, no, no.

Not 50p an hour, 50p a day.

Imagine that. Imagine how many dresses

I can get made for 50p a day.

♪ There's a knock On the door... ♪

- You the big boss? - Yes, I am.

Good to meet you. Sorry about the clammy hands.

- That would be $12. - You are shitting me.

I could get this done cheaper in London without leaving my home

and eating my three-star hotel's dysentery omelet.

- Twelve dollars. - There's a guy down the road

who said he'd do it for 5, so you can go fuck yourself.

- Nine dollars. - Shake my hand on 5.

Nine is the best we can offer.

You will not get cheaper anywhere.

I bloody well will.

Eleven a pair.

- Five. - Eleven.

Who do you think I am?

I don't know. Who are you?

You're sweating a lot. Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fucking fine.

- Six. - Eleven.

- Seven. - Eleven.

- Do I look like a mug? - What?

Come on. Nod your head and shake my hand at 8.

- Eight. - There. Even at 8,

you're putting me out of business.

City Hotel. City Hotel.

It's like a fucking sauna in here.

Fucking hell. Left! Left!

Right, how much is that?

- Two hundred, sir. - What?

I'm not paying 200 for a near-death experience.

- Two hundred. - Okay, look.

I like your bargaining. I'll give you 30.

You can pay 200 rupees.

- Not enough paying 20 rupees. - Okay, I...

Thank you. I'm not gonna pay 200 rupees.

Okay, okay, how about 50? I'll give you 50.

And then we'll go inside, and I'll...

- Fifty not enough. Give him 200. - Two hundred rupees.

It's not gonna be 200. I'll give you 60,

and then we'll just shake hands here.

We'll shake hands here on 60, and it'll be fine.

Only one kilometer, 60 rupees.

How many kilometer you have come? You can pay now.

- Okay. Right. You know what? - My friend.

I'm gonna... Sorry. Let me through. Let me through.

I paid the man! Get off me!

Get... Get off me! All right, fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off!

Excuse me. Get off. Get...

- Get off me! - Two hundred, 200, 200!

Fuck off. Fucking hell.

And we're running.

So in your own time.

Oh, the, um, lens cap's on.

Thank you. Uh, lens cap removal mastered.

Happy birthday, Rich.

You know, life begins at 60.

You have a great party.

Hi, darling.

Very nice indeed.

What, me or the boat?

Well, both, but I meant the boat.

- Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you, darling.

This is Francois, my new man.

- Hello. - What's that over there?

- Oh, it's mine. - Francois loves to sail.

Yeah, I like to feel the sea, feel the waves.

Oh, yeah, when I wanna feel the sea or feel the waves,

I just go for a swim in the sea.

Go on, get inside.

- Daddy. - Hello, gorgeous. Come here.

- I'm Demetrious, hotel manager. - Hi. Efcharistó.

- Fabian, Daddy. - All right, mate.

- How you doing? - Nice shirt. Bit loud.

- Let's get a drink. - Lead on. Don't film me!

Film them, but don't film me.

- Here? - Yeah, that's lovely.

All right, so, uh, yeah, action. When you're ready, guys.

I know I screwed up,

but maybe I'm not the person I thought I am.

Sorry. May... Sorry.

Maybe I'm not the person I thought you were.

- Sorry. The fuck is my line? - All right, cut.

- Sorry. - Okay. No. No, no.

Lily, you're doing great. Fabian, buck the fuck up, mate.

- Right. Um... - Please tell him his line.

- Do you know what the line is? - Obviously not.

Okay. Uh, all right, so, um...

It's "Maybe I'm not the person you thought I was." Yeah?

- Okay. I gotcha. - Yeah? Brilliant.

Okay.

Okay.

- All right, turning? - Yeah, speeding.

Okay. Excellent. Action!

I know I screwed up,

but maybe I'm not the person I thought I am.

- Oh, Christ! - Sorry. Maybe...

Giannis!

- Hello? - What's happening?

You like it?

Have you looked at the plans?

What's going in the gap?

I don't know. I thought it's on the drawing.

It is not on the drawings!

This is not on the drawings, what I'm looking at here.

Arch, gap, arch is not on the drawings.

He's gonna fucking crucify me!

Could be part of the games, maybe.

Very funny, Giannis.

Fortunately, I don't think you've got the wherewithal

to make a workable fucking cross!

What's wrong, Lily? Tell me all about it.

It's just Fabian.

We're going through a bit of a...

A bit of a rough patch, and he makes me sad.

I thought that was just part of the show.

For the TV, for the filming.

You're really going out with Fabian?

- Yes. - Oh!

No.

Oh, I don't know. I mean...

I mean, it is scripted, but...

Why are you crying?

Well, it's method.

We have to stay in character, even off set.

But you're playing yourself, Lily.

Think about it.

You are your character.

- I know. But... - Yes. Mm-hm.

I have to find myself.

Which is harder than I thought.

Excuse me. Do you know the way to the Poseidon Terrace?

Yeah, it's just... Do you know what, I'll take you.

Oh, thanks. You're from England?

- Yeah. Leicester. - Leicester. Heh.

- Do you follow the football? - Uh... No.

Me, neither. That's a relief.

Because that's pretty much all the footie chat I've got.

On the other hand, if you want to ask me

about Richard III's body being discovered

in a car park in Leicester, fire away.

So he wants it to be epic.

- Great. - Fucking epic, to be exact.

Fucking epic's my middle name.

The Great Gatsby meets Gladiator

- meets The Godfather. - Mm-hm.

And other films beginning with G.

Goodfellas, Gone with the Wind, um, Grease.

Oh, hi. You all right?

- Hi. - Hi.

Come join us. Have a seat.

- Thank you. - I'm glad you met Amanda.

You should interview her for your book.

Oh, really? Why is that?

She used to work for M&J before it shut down.

- In one of the shops. - Now she works for me.

Ah, so you're part of the family.

The McCreadie family.

- Not really. - If it's a family,

it's a dysfunctional one.

How long have you been part of it?

Since Samantha's 40th birthday party.

What kind of budget you thinking for the party?

- Oh, whatever it takes. - A million pounds.

What? It's my 40th, babes.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

For the whole party or just the music?

Well, what do we need?

- Well, it depends who you like. - Mm-hm. What about Elton?

- John? - Mm, there's only one Elton.

That's doable. We've used Elton a few times.

- How much? - How much?

- He's a million to sing. - Pounds?

- Dollars. - Well, it's not bad.

His costs are on top of that, obviously.

- How much are they? - He needs a jet,

his tour manager, his sound crew.

- Mariah Carey, when she came... - Oh, my God!

I love Mariah Carey. Oh!

- She brought all her dogs. - She did?

- Mm. - How many dogs?

- Quite a few. - Hm.

Mm, and Diana Ross, when she came,

she brought her whole family for a 10-day holiday.

Well, give an inch, take a fucking mile.

Yeah. Crazy.

- What about Robbie Williams? - He's a million.

Robbie Williams is the same as Elton?

- Yeah. - Got a fucking nerve.

What about Shakira?

What's...? What's her quote looking like? Shakira.

Shakira? Around the same.

Probably go up to about 3 for a package.

- About 3 million for a package. - What?

- Are you fucking... Three million? - Shakira?

She doesn't even wear shoes when she sings.

Let's just, um, park Shakira and Beyoncé for a moment.

Have you got anything around...

Imagine parking Shakira and Beyoncé.

- The half a million mark? - There's a thought.

- Hard to park Beyoncé. - 500K?

How much is Tom Jones?

Uh, He would be around sort of 350.

- Three-fifty. - That's it?

- We can have Tom Jones! - A bargain.

We'll have two Tom Jones.

And it's been pretty full-time ever since.

We've been working on this party for over a year.

- What's that Greek word? - Taramosalata.

- No, not any Greek word, moron. - Hubris.

- That's it. - Yes, hubris.

Pride comes before a fall.

Aristotle said that.

- Really? - Yeah.

I think it's Aesop, actually.

- Do you? - I've got the drive

- with the happy birthdays. - Oh, great. That's good.

Ever since he got hauled over the coals

at the Select Committee, he's just been obsessed with it.

He wants it to repair his reputational damage, you know.

He wants it to show everyone he's still the boss.

Now, M&J isn't the first company of yours to go bankrupt, is it?

In 1977, you set up Harston.

It closed with debts of 235,000 pounds and assets of 436.

In 1981, you started JM Jeans.

It was wound up for not paying bills.

So was Wincraft, another of your companies.

In 1995, you bought a chain of department stores.

Five years later, that chain had disappeared

from the high street. Then there were the jewelers

you bought off the bank when you persuaded them to discount

6 million pounds of debt down to 3 million.

They went into liquidation.

I'm an entrepreneur.

I take risks. Some you win, some you don't.

Well, indeed. In 1990, you launched Xcellent.

Um... Um, okay, so I was thinking possibly...

I was thinking a natural oak for the back.

If that's not quite right, we've...

A sort of darker walnut we have.

That is the color of posh shit.

- Okay. Um... - What else you got?

Well, we've got lots here.

Uh, actually, a muted blue.

Fuck muted. I don't want muted.

Did Marcel Marceau ever sell

a single pair of black-and-white tights?

No. I don't want muted. I want noise.

- I'm in the business of loud. - Right.

What's that?

- That's fuchsia. - Yeah, fuchsia.

Fuchsia's a bit in-your-face. That's...

I want in-your-face. I am in-your-fucking-face.

Fuchsia. You're brand manager.

You're supposed to understand about interior design.

You can't get more interior than fuchsia.

I mean, it's the actual color of a twat, isn't it?

I mean, that is nature's interior design.

It... It draws you in. It's biology. It's...

I mean, fuchsia's French for "fuck me," isn't it?

You know, it's funny, um, hearing people refer to him

as the king of the high street. I mean...

look at all those early shops he bought.

They were absolutely terrible.

Oh, Christ on a bike, Neil.

What am I gonna say about this?

I don't... Well, I was hoping you'd like it,

but it doesn't sound like...

- Is something wrong? - Something's wrong. Yeah.

Um, too many clothes? Too few clothes, perhaps?

Oh, shall I put you out of your misery?

- Yeah? - Please.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

That'd involve me performing a very late abortion.

- Heh. - Don't laugh. This is not banter.

This is me bollocking you. Can you not read people?

No. Uh, yes, I can.

You can't. Otherwise, you'd stop talking.

What else can't you read, Neil?

You can't read the fucking name of the fucking shop.

It's white on white. In other words, it's shite on shite.

That is Page 1 of the manual, isn't it?

In fact, it's the front cover of the fucking book.

Name recognition.

Yep.

If you don't sort this out,

the writing is on the wall for you.

Except it won't be white on white. It'll be red on brown.

You know what those colors are for, Neil?

Uh, is it blood and poo?

Yeah, correct. Well done. There's hope for you yet, Neil.

This is positive reinforcement. This is me motivating you.

I want this window to scream "Xcellent."

If it doesn't scream "Xcellent," I'm gonna scream at you,

except it won't be "Xcellent," will it?

- No. - No, it'll be the word "cunt."

I'll be screaming it so fucking loud

that it will melt that misshapen slab of Spam you call a face,

and then I'll put you in there and use you as a mannequin.

At least then you'll be some fucking use to me.

- Yeah. - And remember,

mannequins don't have cocks, do they?

No, they don't.

- What do they have instead? - I suppose

- sort of smooth bumps, really. - Smooth bumps. Right.

So if you don't wanna swap your cock for a smooth bump,

what are you gonna do?

Sort this out?

- Yeah, sort this out. - Yeah.

All right. Cheers.

Xcellent went bankrupt with 13 million pounds of debt.

You've got burnt orange next to red.

I mean, that's just... It clashes.

Whose fucking idea was fucking fuchsia?

Don't know what you're fucking laughing at.

Giving me a fucking migraine.

Oh, Christ, it...

It's like being trapped inside a-a-a giant vagina

full of discount clothes.

Thought these would have sold well.

I think I need them.

Oh, that's better.

- Where's Neil? - He's off with his nerves.

"Off with his nerves." Off with his fucking head.

I'm gonna tell you something, but please don't freak out.

That'll have the opposite effect, saying that.

- Then freak out, if you want. - Spit it out.

Our A-listers are dropping like flies.

- What? - They're not coming.

That's the point, to make us look good.

- I know, I know. - What about Leo?

He says he's got a shoot.

Some fucking PR pixie's bent his ear.

- Fucking bear-shagging twat. - Hi.

- My friend, money. - Sorry.

- I haven't got any, all right? - Money, money!

I'm wearing swimming shorts.

Where am I gonna hide money? Up me arsehole?

Wait. Why don't we tell them about the refugees

and turn the Coldplay gig into a benefit?

What are you doing, Giannis?

Giannis?

- We're tying it down. - Why?

It's getting very windy.

Maybe could blows it away.

It's a windy island. What we can do?

Yep.

Mykonos is very famous for the wind.

Yeah.

- This is your young man, huh? - Yes, this is Francois.

Hello. I'm very happy to meet you.

The pleasure's all mine, Francoise.

No, it's Francois. Otherwise, I would be a girl.

- Ha-ha! - Get it right, Mum.

Where are the children?

Finn sleeps all day.

He's pale. He looks like a vampire.

Lily was here, but she's off with the reality TV show.

Oh, what's that about? Why would you want

your life splashed all over the telly, Francoise?

- Beats me. - It's good for her.

It gives her something to do, keeps her grounded.

- Keeps her grounded? - Yeah. Yeah.

Look at the Kardashians.

Kylie Jenner's got a billion Instagram followers.

- She's on the cover of Forbes. - Well, she must be

a very good person, very successful...

She's richer than you, sweetie.

- She's worth a lot. Yes. - That's not true, is it?

- It's true. - Can't be true.

She's richer than you.

Is that a push-up bra, or are they new?

Are those teeth fake? Put them in the glass. Take them out.

- Yeah, they cost 20 grand. - Well, these cost 10K.

Where'd you get those from? Discount Tits R Us?

You haven't seen them. They're amazing.

I have fantastic tits. Tell him I have fantastic tits.

Chicken for you.

- Hi! - And chicken...

- Chicken for you. - How about some chicken?

What about biscuits? Do we have any biscuits?

There you go.

They seem delighted. I would be.

Okay, great. And cut. Uh, okay, we're gonna reset.

We'll come in for a close-up. If you could get the food back.

So just remember who you gave it to.

Just need to take this back.

Hey, sorry.

- Hey, you're getting them... - Aah!

- Chill! I'm gonna give it... - What are you doing? Hey!

Look, you're gonna get it back!

What are you doing? We don't need this food then.

- You're gonna get it back. - Wild misunderstanding.

We're just resetting.

There's a lot of them, isn't it?

Shit, are they filming this?

This time, when we give you the food,

if you could just be happy. Smiling.

- Happy. - Is that okay?

- Let's do it. Not really okay. - Great.

Okay, great. When you're ready, head on in.

Hi.

Would you like some chicken?

- Yummy. Delicious. - Yeah.

Not laughing. It's not funny.

It's... It's happy.

- Excuse me. - That's good, huh?

- That's a bit much. - Oi!

Maybe smile a bit less than that. Just a bit less.

That's lovely. Perfect, see?

I'm afraid we have to ask you to go.

No, we are not going to leave. It's public beach.

Yeah, it's a public beach, but to visit, not to stay.

There are hungry children here that we're trying to feed.

Look at me. We have right to stay here.

- You don't. - Your father asked us...

- A baby is crying. - I've got instructions.

There are children here! Poor children we're trying to feed!

Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

Look, we're allowed to film here!

Look, there's a baby!

Hey, let's chill out, chill out.

And he's crying!

Yeah, just... Thanks. Let's do this nicely.

Let's everyone go.

We don't want trouble.

- Aw... - Have you ever seen

a baby cry like that?

I know. You're very charitable.

Let us go. Let us go.

It's all right. It's okay.

- Fantastic. Got all of that. - I'm gonna have a panic attack.

You can't have tents here.

- You have to move. - I was trying to help!

I know. I saw.

Sorry. There's so much stuff.

I should probably have kept a log,

but you know what it's like.

Would have been a good idea,

or if you had labeled any of the footage.

The chaos of war.

Not really a war, was it?

I think maybe, when I thought I was turning it off,

- I was turning it on. - No, definitely. Yeah.

Oh, there's one.

Say "Happy birthday, Sir Richard."

Happy birthday, Sir Richard!

Hiya.

Oh, hi. Thanks.

How's it going?

- Fine. - Hi.

This is the next factory.

I know that place.

- It's in Sri Lanka. - Yeah. How do you know?

My Aunt Amali works there.

- Thought you were from Leicester. - My uncle adopted me

- when I was 7. - So your uncle's in Leicester

- and your aunt's in Sri Lanka? - Different uncle.

- She still works there? - Yeah.

Well, she might be in this footage. Hold on.

How much is there?

All the footage in the world.

You know, I was hired as a writer.

When I write, there's ink in the pen.

Yes, that's definitely one.

Right, I'm rolling.

"Happy birthday, Sir Richard."

Happy birthday, Sir Richard.

No, no. No, she's not there.

- There's a bit more. - Is that...?

I think I might have gone to the loo.

- I'll just... - Skip forward a bit.

That's not nice.

Where are all the others, Giannis?

- They don't come. - Why?

They heard about the double money, so they won't come.

What do you mean? That should make them want to come.

They are Bulgarians. Only Greeks getting double money.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Giannis, man!

Tell them they'll get the money!

Get them down here! We'll give them double money!

- Go and get them, Giannis! - They won't come!

Why?

They already have different jobs.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Fucking donkey fuck, Giannis!

Fucking arsehole!

Bell end!

Prick, Giannis!

Prick!

- Have we come at a bad time? - Yes, it's a bad time!

It's always a bad fucking time!

It's very much bad o'clock!

Fucking Giannis!

Fucking twerp!

You know this word, Giannis? Twerp!

You wrote the fucking book on it! Bell end!

I look like I've had a fight with a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together.

Oh, very good. Very good for you.

So we're gonna set the fireworks off from there,

halfway between the beach and the amphitheater.

- Okay. - Okay.

So the light from the rockets

- is gonna flood the amphitheater. - Quick question.

Are you fucking out of your mind?

Clarence is a wild animal.

Can't be flooding his cage.

I'm not flooding his cage. I'm flooding it with light.

Uh, cover... You could cover his cage.

- They do that with parrots. - But he's not a parrot, mate.

He's a more intelligent, sensual being than a parrot.

What is it?

You look very thin. Making me look fat.

I am. Thin Finn. Sounds good.

And you look pale.

Yes. I'm pale. And loitering.

Are you on crack?

I'm not on crack, Mum. Jesus.

- Ecstasy? - No.

What about prescription pills?

- Jeez, Mum, I'm not... - Cocaine?

MDMA? Or "Molly," as the young people call it.

Mum, I'm not on drugs, okay?

I haven't seen you this depressed ever, Finn.

And you're growing pubic hair on your face.

It's not pu...

It looks wispy, and it doesn't suit you.

Frankly, you should shave it off before the party.

It's an embarrassment.

- Hi. - This is Nick.

He's chronicling my life.

Chronicling? That's a bit grand.

Yeah, like The Chronicles of Narnia. We...

We could call it The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Not that you're a witch, obviously.

We met, actually, in Monaco. Don't know if you remember.

- Hi. - Hi.

♪ Just follow in the back ♪

♪ And naturally harmonizing ♪

♪ Climb into position We synchronize things ♪

♪ Live from out the ghetto We maximize it... ♪

Hi. Um...

I'm here to see Samantha McCreadie.

- Yes, of course. Come aboard. - Oh, thank you.

This is a really spectacular yacht.

Thank you. This is actually my baby.

I designed everything on her by myself.

- Wow, that's lovely. - Yeah, the fabrics, the wood.

Everything. The basketball court upstairs. It's all my taste.

So just let's, um, start off with,

when did you meet Sir Richard?

When I first met Rich, he was a bottom-feeder.

I met him in a casino.

All right. My lucky number's 13.

Maybe it'll bring me luck.

No more bets.

- Number 13. - Oh!

♪ Sincerity ♪

♪ Come on, give me... ♪

- What are you doing? - I wanna see you again.

I'm playing hard to get.

Can I see you tomorrow?

Well, was that a yes or a no?

It's a yes!

He'd worked in fashion all his life,

but he didn't have a feel for it.

He wasn't somebody who loved clothes. He just loves deals.

You lied to me, right? You fucking lied to me.

You're like a dodgy priest.

Now you've been caught balls deep in a choirboy.

- What are you talking about? - You said these were quality.

They're not quality.

"Pride Jeans." Yeah, if you're proud to wear them

and look like a tit. I'll give you 1.2 million in cash

if you wipe off the debt.

Is that a joke?

I'll give you 20p in a pound on the debt, but that's it.

When I leave with this case of cash, the deal's off the table.

I'll tell you something, no one's gonna give you diddly

for that pile of blue shit.

Okay! Okay.

Come back.

- So he was a bottom-feeder then. - Yes.

But what changed?

Well, I brought him here to Monaco.

- Can you guess which boat? - Is it the biggest one?

Everybody's a billionaire here. We were just small fry.

- Is that our boat? That one? - No.

- We were just millionaires. - That's right. Well done.

Hey, no!

What we do in life echoes in eternity.

I taught him that, from Gladiator.

Hey, watch his eyes.

You shall watch as I bathe in his blood.

- Rich. - Well, I didn't teach him that.

I'm not even sure it's in the film.

That was so close to his eye! Put your sword down!

- Aah! - Both of you, now, put them down!

Money makes money.

And when people think you have money,

then they give you more.

They have no idea of the bottom line.

Why don't you buy the whole group?

That's what I said.

- Not a problem, is it, Bob? - We're a bank.

We lend money. That's what we do.

So then we bought M&J for 200 million.

Is this Blackpool Illuminations?

What is the wattage of these bulbs?

- Hundred. - Well, swap them out for 60s.

You can't put 60-watt bulbs up there. It's too gloomy.

You know what I say? I don't do "can't do." I only do "can do."

Thanks so much for making the time to see me.

Oh, any chance to slag off Sir Greedy.

- Oh, you weren't a fan, then? - Oh, he was a bully.

That is the biggest pile of crap I've ever seen. Get rid of it.

We can't get rid of it. We've ordered it. It's ours.

You... How much have you paid for this?

The whole range across all the stores...

- Five million. - Five million...?

Are you fucking kidding? Tell me he's joking.

- No. - That is robbery.

I should call the police.

He wasn't a businessman. He was a parasite. Tapeworm.

I'll give you 3 million for it.

Nod your head and shake my hand.

Come on, nod your head and shake my hand.

All right, Mark. Well done.

You got a good deal. You, come with me.

That was a negotiation.

You are a buyer.

You're supposed to fucking negotiate.

You nearly cost me 2 million pounds there.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and say:

"I am a cunt," because you are.

Fuck you.

M&J got us onto the Sunday Times Rich List.

They valued it at a billion.

Suddenly, we're in the big leagues.

Is that the right one?

It's the one I chose. I love it.

Oh, it's so sparkly. It's so beautiful.

No, you're beautiful.