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[acoustic guitar]

Oh, yeah. Oh!

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Quit it, Clay!

And did I say you could touch my tits?

No means no.

Yeah, you didn't say "no."

Well, I was thinking it.

Sweetie, you got it all wrong.

Your consent is my aphrodisiac.

Here, drink more.

Look, I don't wanna force you to do anything

you don't want to do, okay?

I'm just sayin' I'm—— I'm going to college tomorrow.

You know? And I may never see you again.

And that hurts.

We just met tonight.

Yeah. You see, this is fate.

[scoffs] Men will say anything to get off.

Hey, what I'm feeling now with you is very, very real.

I don't feel so good.

Oh, baby, you gotta relax.

Don't worry; I'm a feminist.

Oh, my God.

[retching]

[rock]

Yeah.

A bright—eyed girl in hand—me—downs

Whose name I never could pronounce

Said, pity please the ones who serve

They only get what they deserve

The rich—relationed hometown queen

Marries into what she needs

A guarantee of company

And haven for the elderly

Remember those who win the game

Lose the love they sought to gain

In debentures of quality

And dubious integrity

Their small—town eyes will gape at you

In dull surprise when payments due

Exceeds accounts received at 17

Hi. Hi.

Here, let me help you.

Oh...ssshit. [crash]

[Girl screams] Fuck!

Dick!

And those whose names were never called

When choosing sides at basketball

Ground rules, Matt: you don't touch my shit,

you don't drink my beer, you don't smoke my stash.

Oh, if you come back on up to the room

and you hear the reggae music playin',

I'll be plowin' some snatch, so back the fuckoff!

How's it goin', guys?

What up, faggot?

[farts]

Yeah. Okay, then.

[Woman] See that porch?

That's where your father pinned me 20 years ago.

Lord, was he handsome!

Mmm!

And then, just two years later,

he proposed to me right on this step.

Impotent prick.

Mother, boundaries, please.

Oh, please.

Your father ran off with a nutritionist.

He won't pay for your education,

he owes me ten grand in alimony,

and he was about as sexually stimulating as CNN.

He's a worthless, flaccid prick!

[sighs] God.

You know, I never had an orgasm with him, ever.

Ew!

Thank God we got this Tau Sorority scholarship

and the National Chapter said you can live here for free.

You know, I could've done the Work—Study Program

or even gotten a job.

A job? Please.

Mom, there are plenty of things

someone like me could do.

Such as?

Honey, you are an 18—year—old former prom queen.

You're thinking of skipping college to become a waitress?

That's a goddamned country song.

Mrs. Paul?

Serena Smithson, president of the Taus.

And you must be Amanda.

Stunning.

All right.

You're Malcolm Woods, right?

Hey, I'm your roommate! I'm Clay Adams!

Nice to meet you, man!

I see you took the right side of the room.

Looks like a great side.

I'm psyched to be here, man!

You wanna go get some, uh—— some food?

Jesus hates me.

[sighs]

Gross.

You know, I was wondering when I would run into

some other loser from high school.

And of course, it had to be you.

Ugh!

Marjorie, why do you look so weird?

'Cause I'm a lesbian now, asshole.

So you could just forget about us getting back together.

I know how men think.

We went out, like, twice in tenth grade.

Yeah, well, don't think I munch box now

just because you dumped me.

Wait, "munch box"?

Lick pussy?

[Girl] Ew.

Get used to it.

This is bullshit, Marjorie.

This is, like, e

when you told everyone you were black.

Nigga, I said I was adopted!

Gotcha. [slam]

I am Professor Jackson, and this is Introduction to American Civilization.

Now, before we get started, t

about all of you.

You. Right there.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

I'm Marjorie Simmons from Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

I plan to major in Women's Studies,

with a minor in Queer Theory.

I'm proud to say that I am an out,

woman—identified, lesbian activist.

[laughing] Oh, my God.

You find something amusing, Mr...

Adams. Clay Adams.

Yeah, he doesn't think that I'm a real lesbian.

Fascist.

And what exactly is a "real lesbian"?

A woman who... likes other women.

Do you like women, Ms. Simmons?

I love them.

Sounds to me like she's a lesbian.

She can't just say she's a lesbian,

especially if it's not true.

And how do you know this?

Because of my history with her.

History? I see.

So, it's his story against her story.

Well, Mr. Adams, you just illustrated the theoretical conundrum

of contemporary American society.

I did?

The world is a linguistic battlefield.

Man, woman, gay, straight,

black, white, penis, vagina!

We are engaged in a semiotic battle

over control of these inchoate postmodern definitions.

Do you understand me, Mr. Adams?

No.

Let me put it to you this way.

Either you like bush or you don't.

You—— you mean the president?

Therein, students, lies the problem.

Now, you, over there.

I'm in the wrong class.

[tires screeching]

Fuck!

Oh! Get outta here!

[regg]

I need my meal card!

Sexiled, huh?

You, too?

Kind of.

I'm, uh—— I'm Clay Adams.

I, uh—— I'm your neighbor.

I don't think we've met.

Matt Meyers.

Nice to meet you, man.

[girl moaning] [boy growling]

I hate my life.

Well, I'd let you room with me,

but I got stuck with boy interrupted.

[girl moaning] [boy yelling]

[banging] [girl screams]

Okay, that's my cue to go to the library.

Okay, you're officially my first friend in college.

And to celebrate, we're gonna go tap

into this campus hoasis, man.

[scoffs]

You know, I'm not really looking for, uh, hos.

Oh, you're a virgin, huh?

[scoffs] Why would you say that?

Dude, any guy that says they don't live for sex hasn't had any yet.

That's retarded. It's time to party, dude!

Come on!

[screaming] Party!

Whoo—— Wha!

[people carousing] [hip hop]

Ever heard of Vertigo?

Well, ain't no way else to go

Prevail knows the faculties our poison lay you vertical

It's only murder for every small animal committed

The only difference is I won't admit I did it

There's a limit as to how far my posse's willing to bend

The Don of a burgundy autumn blinds the minds of most men

Vomiting from the quarantine praying for the end

You can tell by the stench that the venom's setting in

On the plane in which you reign, it's classified as do or die

But in the realm in which we dwell

It's puncture necks and multiply

Imagine the madness

The return of the Jew from Nazareth

Oh, my God, man. Look at these chicks.

We're surrounded by "before shots."

I thought the ugly ones were easier to lay.

It's a myth, my friend.

The unattractive ones think it's their insides that are really beautiful,

so you gotta waste a lot of time and energy

making 'em think that you're attracted to their personalities.

Gotcha.

[Clay] Check out Miss Piggy.

Watch and learn, my friend.

Hey.

Nice, uh, sweater.

Thanks.

So tell me, if you could do anything right now,

what would it be?

Finish this and puke it up.

Yeah, nice work.

Hey, I saw two fat chicks headed over there.

[Girl] You are so beautiful, Amanda.

I fuckin' love that you're my pledge sister andmy roommate.

Oh, my God. Wow, your nose is, like, perfect.

Oh, yeah. Well, it was fixed.

It was a birthday gift.

I fuckin' love you for telling me that!

Are your tits fake, too?

Nope, these are natural gifts.

Oh, if I didn't love you so much,

I'd fuckin' hate your guts.

Uhh. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

This is all just a little, um...overwhelming.

I know. It's like an all—you—can—eat buffet in here.

Some of these guys are hot.

Check out Tazwell Thomas.

That boy puts dew on my lily.

Oh, I hear his dick is, like, a foot long. Hmm.

Oh, my God. I just got my period.

Oh. Okay, um...

Here...you go. Oh, I fucking love you!

Be right back. 'Kay.

[moaning]

Looks like you could use a drink.

I'm—— I'm an artist. He's a poet.

My art teacher raped me in high school.

My grandfather used to read me poems...

right before he'd get into bed with me.

How 'bout a refill on those drinks?

Hey, dude. Make it hot, buddy.

So, Amanda, you pledgin' Tau?

Yes, I sure am.

Well, you don't seem too excited about it.

Oh, no, I'm very excited.

I mean, I get to spend the next four years

stepping over puddles of puke.

Oh, it's not so bad.

I mean, you definitely can't tell from all this bullshit,

but there are some pretty cool people here.

Oh, and let me guess. You're one of them?

What? Who, me?

Nah, I'm just a rich white guy,

president of a fraternity, future lawyer.

I'm definitely not cool.

Yeah, well, I'm just a dumb blonde.

Well, hell, Amanda, it looks like we're made for each other.

You think so?

I do.

Two minutes. I'll be right back.

Hi, ladies. Serena.

Get away from me. Oh, come on.

Can't we just bury the hatchet?

Do you...remember the last time

we saw each other?

[panting, sighs] [sucking noises]

I think we should see other people.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Come on, that was the old me, Serena.

I've changed.

I'm gonna treat women better.

You know, being accused of date rape was——

was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

And by the way, she dropped the charges.

You are so full of it.

What's with these women, man?

I mean, they're all...

damaged, overly academic, born—again virgins,

total teasers, sexually ambiguous,

political activists, .

Old—fashioned femininity is dead, Matt.

Girls today are total downers, man.

Word.

[glass breaking] [Boy] Yeah! Whoo hoo hoo!

There are 10,000 women on this campus.

Where are the ones .

sit on your face and fuck ?

I wanna find those nasty girls that are dumb, blonde,

uninhibited, sexually—giving, old—school be—yatches!

Be—yatches.

Where are they hidin', man?

[dance]

I'm a Leo.

I don't really care much for books,

but I love giving blow jobs.

When I'm masturbating in the shower,

I think about what a naughty girl I am.

My girlfriends in the sorority are also total sluts.

Oh...

Come here, Clay.

Do me in the butt.

Sweet Jesus.

Sorority girls. [record scratches]

Let me show you how to move it, do it

Let me show you how to shake it, break it

Then when you see the money, girl Take it, take it

[no audible dialogue] Last time I had to do this

I was in the mix of a whole lotta chicks

Be gettin' my crew steady, pushin' my wits

[Tazwell] I'm serious, Serena.

I want something real with a girl.

Oh, really?

Like my new pledge upstairs?

What? Who, Amanda?

Yeah, yeah. She has potential.

You expect me to believe

that you can hold out with a girl,

date her, andbe monogamous,

get to know a woman as a person before you fuck her?

Yes!

And why do I have to prove anything to you, anyway?

My business is to protect my sisters from men,

especially the pretty, vulnerable ones like Amanda.

[snickers] You sound like a lesbian.

[stomps] Ow! Bitch!

Fuck you, Tazwell.

This little act is never going to last.

You know, you're not gonna believe

what a sensitive, freakin' male I can be.

Eat shit.

I'm horny.

I'm—— I'm Matt.

You're adorable.

[laughs] I wanna see you better, baby.

Let me turn on the brights.

It's not gonna suck itself, you know?

What? What? Come on. Come on.

Are you—— Are you even a student here?

Duh. Yeah.

Since 1991. [laughs]

Oh, fuck. I'm gonna hurl.

[puking]

Nice meeting you.

A hundred million people seeing my way

[rock]

So go ahead, play the hero this time

If you have any spine

What? Uh, well, I was—-

Hey, sorry about that. Hey.

Had some fraternity business.

Hey, you wanna go check out the band?

Yeah, let's go. All right.

What's up, bro?

Thanks for reminding me why I never go out, ever.

[chuckles] Come on, man. It wasn't that bad.

It was cool to hang out with you.

Yeah, cool.

Well, good night. All right, man.

[Boy] Shut the fuckin' light off!

[Matt] .

Oh, my God!

He hanged himself!

Malcolm!

I think he's dead, dude.

Whoa.

[people murmuring]

So, when you movin' in? I'll get my stuff.

Yeah. [clears throat]

Friends, I share with you my heart

And when someday we part

We'll have so many memories

Since I met you

[off key] We are sisters

We are...

[shouting] One

Take a chill pill, Jessica.

Okay, now to solidify your place in Tau history,

one final challenge: the freak fest.

Take one and pass the hat.

Written on each slip of paper you will see a type of person.

Your Tau pledge mission...

find the freak, work your charms,

and get him to declare his love for you.

I'm literally fucked.

What's so bad about that?

Hello. I'm a Jew!

What'd you get?

[sucks in breath] Harsh.

In three weeks, we're having a party.

Bring your dates, and then, without mercy, dump them.

[girls murmuring]

You will prove to your sisters

that you can survive in this world,

that if pushed you can be

as disgusting and ruthless as men.

Rabbi Lebowitz is gonna fuckin' die!

[Clay] Here they come.

This is creepy. I feel like Ted Bundy.

There's the one from the party.

She's my favorite.

Aren't these girls a little out of your league?

Have you ever read Darwin, man? Of course.

Okay, so you know about natural selection, survival of the fittest.

Look, if we're gonna mate with that species of girl,

we just need to become a superior breed of male.

So we should go to the gym or something?

No, we should become frat boys, dude!

I mean, what better way to fortify our masculinity

than some classic male bonding?

Uh, don't need to bond with any males.

I'm gonna make a man out of you.

[Tazwell] Party time is over, pledges.

Now it's time to show us if you're worthy enough

to join our sacred brotherhood.

Hear now from Master Colin, your pledge trainer.

Welcome to hell.

Prepare for your first beating.

Rub it on his balls.

[gagging] Oh...

Fuck.

Ugh, man.

[screams]

Uhh! God!

[screams]

So this is how males bond?

[gagging]

[coughing, burping]

Oh... [Boy] Oh, God.

Oh, f——

[snoring]

[burp] [fart]

[Tazwell] These two.

I'm all out of love

I'm so lost without you

I know you were right

Believing for so long

I'm all out of love

What am I without you?

I can't be too late

Please tell me you're not spooning me.

Hmm?

Mmm, five more minutes, Mom.

Shit, dude! You've got morning wood!

[crowd murmuring]

No, I don't!

Huh!

It's kind of romantic.

I wanna die.

Sorry.

[Girl] Get a room!

[Boy] Give me my floss back.

What am I without you?

I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I'm all out of love

I'm so lost without you

[students chatting]

Hey, faggots!

[boys laughing]

[Boy] Call me.

Even Felicity didn't have it this bad.

I feel like shit, dude.

I don't know, Clay.

This whole fraternity scene just isn't my thing.

Let's just forget about this morning.

I felt your boner against my thigh, Matt.

I need some coffee.

[Jessica] If anyone on Long Island

finds out I'm mackin' on a Muslim,

my parents will be banished from temple. This is evil.

I'm not happy with it, either, but we have to do it.

And then you'll be able to keep your scholarship,

live in the house for free,

and I'll still be allowed to talk to you.

Everybody wins.

Besides, guys do this shit all the time.

Think of this as our revenge on them.

Are you saying this could be empowering for us

as, like, women?

I don't know. I...guess. Whatever.

Okay, well, political role reversal aside,

where the hell am I gonna find a gay guy to fall in love with me?

My dad says homosexuality's everywhere...

like Mexicans.

What about him?

Oh, someone gay would use a tissue.

What about him?

Oh, God. Never mind.

What about that?

[stammering] I don't think he has a sexuality.

Oh, my God. There!

The gay guy from the green this morning.

No, no. He doesn't seem gay.

Did you hear the soft rock?

Just go! Talk to him.

Maybe he's ready to give up the gay life.

It's not like changing a sweater.

Just go!

What if he's not even gay?

Then we'll go hang out in the drama department later, okay?

Come on, just go and talk to him.

All right! Shut up.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Amanda.

Hi. I'm—— I'm Clay.

It's nice to meet you. Yeah. You, too.

[sighs]

So, do—— do you like poetry?

Yes, I do.

Yeah. Me, too. Good!

Um...I don't really know much

about gay poetry, though.

Gay poetry. Mm—hmm.

And, um... lesbian poetry.

Okay, if that's what you're into, that's—-

Oh, well, I—— I wouldn't say

that I was into it, but, um——

but I do think that being gay is...

an incredibly valid and wonderful lifestyle,

and I really think I would love to have more, um...

gay friends.

Right.

Right.

Um...because——

Well, because, uh, gay is...good?

Yeah! Yeah!

I mean, gay can be...good.

I personally think lesbianism is better.

[laughing]

But they're all terrific people, I think.

Yeah.

So, um, maybe you would like to hear

some gay poetry with me on Saturday?

I'd love to. Yeah?

Wait.

I'm sorry, are you speaking in code?

No, no.

The Queer Slam, this Saturday.

You think I'm gay.

No! Y—yes.

Wait, um——

Are you?

Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna——

No, wait!

I am!

You're—— You're gay?

Very, hugely gay.

Oh, great! That's awesome!

It's fun. Yeah, good times.

Yeah, really.

So, Saturday, then.

Um...

Come on, it'll be—- it'll be, uh,

it'll be swell.

Okay. [laughing] All right!

Well, then, it's a date, then.

Girlfriend.

Okay, cool.

Yeah.

What was that about? I don't know.

I may have just come out of the closet.

I'm gonna rot in hell for this.

Is he gay or what?

[laughs]

Totally. Gay.

You can't be serious about this.

Dude! All right, we all know chicks love gay guys, right?

I mean, they're so sensitive.

I guarantee you in no time, that girl will be saying,

"Why can't all guys be like you, Clay?

And why can't you be straight?"

And then one night, when we're wasted,

I'd say...

"I told myself I could never love a woman...

"but you've changed all that.

"You make me feel like a real man.

"Maybe my whole life has been a total lie and I'm not gay.

"I think I'm in love with you.

"Come on. Make love to me.

Please."

I think I'm gonna puke. Dude!

This is what all ladies really dream about,

the fag who's not afraid to eat his best girlfriend's pussy.

[scoffs] You don't know shit about being gay.

Oh, yeah. There's a campus sexual identity

support group meeting this afternoon.

I'll get my gay on there.

Do you have any other goals in life besides getting laid?

You mean like writing the great American novel,

making a million dollars, stopping world hunger, that sort of thing?

Exactly.

Dude, I'm a B student ?

My—— My mom drives a school bus,

my dad manages a Target store.

Yeah, future happiness for guys like me

means Saturday afternoon BBQs,

a sweet deal on a new Civic,

and the occasional blow job from my wife.

And until I take that sad journey into cultural purgatory,

my goal in life is, yeah, to get as much ass as I can.

And you're willing to be gay for that?

Whatever it takes, chief.

So are you gonna come to this meeting with me or what?

I gotta go to class.

You're wicked homophobic, dude!

My name is Sherman Jessup, and I'm the chairperson

of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,

and Transgendered Association on campus.

This meeting is for people who are dealing

with their sexual identity for the first time.

So please, tell us your name

and how you identify yourself sexually.

Hi, I'm Jonas... and I'm gay.

I think.

[All] Hi, Jonas.

Fern. Dyke.

[All] Hi, Fern.

Brennan. Very gay.

[All] Hi, Brennan.

Bessie. Black, pussy—licker.

[hoots, laughter]

[All] Hi, Bessie

Uh...

I'm Bob.

And I'm a gay.

[All] Hi, Bob.

Your name is Clay, you dickless fuck!

[group gasps] [Girl] Oh, my God.

Since we're all supposed to be honest and all.

Welcome, Clay.

[Sherman] Welcome.

[whispers] Fuck you!

[group chatting]

You're not fucking gay, you jerk.

What's going on?

Maybe it was that night we spent together on the football field.

It would turn any man off to women.

Luckily, that only lasted two minutes.

Ohh! Would you give me a break, Marj?

I was wasted.

What the hell are you up to?

Engaging in semiotic warfare?

Don't give me that shit.

Look, Marjorie, I don't understand

why we can't bothbe gay.

All right, Clay, play your little mind games with me...

but I'll be watching you...

faggot.

Yeah, all right, princess.

Buh—bye.

[sighs]

Finding everything you need?

Oh, yeah. I, uh——

Yeah. I—— I was just wondering,

do you have some kind of, like, guide to being gay?

Like a handbook?

Something to teach me how to act, walk, talk, and dress?

Here we all believe in being ourselves.

Yeah, I get that part.

What you need now are other gay friends,

to be a part of our amazing community.

And then maybe one of my back rubs.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah.

[expels breath]

[car horn blaring]

[Jessica] Assalaamu alaykum,dude.

They're not very friendly.

Hey, evildoer.

Prick.

Jessica, I can't believe you're doing this.

Excuse me, but who has a date

with homo boy on Saturday night?

[scoffs] It's not a date.

Yeah, but whatever it is,

you better snag the little sucker.

Our future depends on it.

No offense, but...

that's the most depressing thing

I've ever heard in my life.

You know, I fucking love you, Amanda,

but you need to lighten up.

Just go out with the gay guy, see what happens.

No big whoop. Hello there.

Good day.

I'm Rahib.

Hello, gorgeous.

"You'll definitely say 'there's no place like hom''

"when you slip into Dorothy's shoes:

"drinking, dancing, and the best gay men

this town has to offer."

What is that, Gay Zagat's?

Dude, if I'm gonna pull this off, it's gotta be real.

Let's go inside. Wait. What if she, like, sees us?

[clears throat] Matt, it's not like we're really gay.

I'm gonna wait outside.

All right. Suit yourself.

We'll top you off here.

That'll be nice. Thank you.

Are we lost, honey?

Uh...

yeah, uh—huh.

Do you know where the nearest Starbucks is?

Oh, come in, sit down, have a beer.

We're not gonna bite you.

Okay. [clear throat]

It does get easier, you know?

My first time in a gay bar I wanted to wear a mask.

A mask, leather chaps, and nipple clamps.

Shut up, bitch.

So, let me guess, kid.

You just came out, right?

Yeah.

Like, this morning.

[screeches]

We have a newbie.

[turns on stereo] You've gotta make your own kind of music

Sing your own special song

Make your own kind of music

Even if nobody else sings along

[bottles clinking]

I'm a bad gay.

And why do you say that?

Look at me.

I dress like shit, I can't dance,

your language confuses me.

Girl, all you need is confidence and experience.

Like anything, gay is learned.

It's not just all about—-

Taking it up the pooper.

Shut up, bitch.

Show some respect.

I was at Stonewall!

I know, darling. I'm sorry.

[tapping bar]

Listen, kid, the closet's a nasty place.

You don't just pop out and suddenly know everything.

Think of this as your second birth.

You've just come out ',

and now it's time to learn about the world.

Rodney?

Hmm?

Will you teach me?

Teach you what, baby?

How—— How to be gay.

Sweetie, you're a little too young for me.

Gross, no. I mean, I——

Make me over.

Clay...

let's put some sugar in those britches.

[techno]

No pointing.

No Riverdance!

Fabulous!

Fierce.

[Clay] Melissa Etheridge.

Three—quarter skirt.

Tom of Finland.

Poppers.

Magnum condoms.

Barney Frank.

Uh, Alexander the Great.

Queer as Fol.

Barebacking intergenerational orgy.

What? Say something.

There's nothing more I can teach you.

Fabulous.

[Serena] Holy shit.

Hi! Is Amanda around?

Hey. Wow.

Who's your... friend, Amanda?

Serena, this is Clay.

It's a sincere sensation.

Yeah...it's nice to meet you, too.

Uh, Amanda, we should probably get going.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Play safe.

[bongos]

Earth Mother!

Secret garden.

I drink from your river the juice of your woman—ness.

I harvest your bounty. [banging bongos]

I eat you.

I eat you.

I eat you!

You eat me!

Oh! Oh...oh!

The richest coffee in the world

is picked by the poorest people.

[crowd erupts]

[cheers, applause]

Yeah!

[Sherman] Give it up for Binz Gonzales!

Okay, moving on.

I have been told that there is a thrilling new performer

here in the LGBT community among us.

Marjorie?

Thank you, Sherman.

[clears throat]

I first saw this next artist

in a coffee bar in Oshkosh, Wisconsin,

where he captivated the room with his heart—wrenching sonnets

of growing up gay in a small town.

He looks like Lance Bass.

He writes like Jean Genet.

[crowd "ooh's"]

And is more queer than the three—dollar bill

in Rosie O'Donnell's back pocket.

[crowd laughs]

Join me in welcoming the voice of our generation.

Mr. Clay Adams.

[crowd cheers]

Are you a performance artist?

Uh——

Come on, Clay. Don't be shy.

This is family.

[crowd chanting "Clay"]

Maybe you should go up there.

[cheering grows louder]

Ladies and gentlemen, Clay Adams!

[crowd cheering]

Oh!

Unh, yeah, that's good.

Thanks, bub.

[room grows silent]

[clears throat]

I, uh...

I haven't really prepared anything.

Well, you better say somethin'.

[people chuckling] [Clay] Yeah.

Uh...

Okay. Okay.

Well, this is

kind, of, um... uh, it's a, uh...

it's a work in progress.

All right. Here goes.

Uh...

[clears throat loudly]

Oh, baby, baby...

...how was I s'posed to know...

...that somethin' wasn't right here?

[chuckles]

Oh, baby, baby...

I shouldn'ta let you go.

And now you're out of sight. Yeah.

Show me...

...how y—— how you want it to be.

Tell me, baby...

'cause I need to know now...

uh...because...

[beating rhythm]

[drum continues]

[chuckles]

...my loneliness

is killin' me.

And I

I must confess I still Okay!

Believe

[All] Still believe

When I'm not with you, I lose my mind

Give me a sign

Whee! Hit me, baby

I must confess

That I believe this

It's killin' me now

To know I still believe

I believe!

That you will be here

And give me a sin

Hit me, baby, one more time

I wanna be missed

You hear me?

And I

I must confess

I still believe

Still believe

When I'm not with you

I lose my mind

Give me a sign

Oh, hit me, baby, one more time

[both laugh]

Mr. Clay, I have to say

that your performance was oddly touching.

Oh. Thank you.

[laughs] Thank you,

but I think the, uh,

the big dyke thing stole the show. Oh, God.

She wasreally hot.

Yeah, she was hot. Really.

[chuckles] [whistles]

Ohhh...anyway...

Anyway...

[giggles]

Do you have a boyfriend?

Who, me? No. No. No, no, no.

That's shocking.

Yeah. Well, I'm...

tryin' to get over someone, so...

What happened?

He, uh, killed himself.

Oh, my God!

Yeah. he was a very .

I don't really want to talk about it. Okay.

So, how about you? Are you dating anyone?

Well, there is this frat guy that's been making overtures.

Seems nice enough, I guess. [chuckles]

Uhh. Frat boys.

Oh, but girls like me come here to meet them.

Girls like you.

Yeah.

The kind of girls that look like they have a sure thing...

flashin' in neon on their tits.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

Men are such pigs.

Yeah, well, uh...

the worst part is...

I don't really resist it.

Why not?

Because I'm afraid

that there's nothing special about me.

Just another prom queen,

daughter of a drunken mother and a philandering father,

and...I think I'm supposed to spend my life

trying to find a creative way to repeat the whole cycle.

[chuckles]

Amanda, you are so not the person

I expected you to be.

Yeah.

But nobody really is. Right?

Right.

Oh, sh...

I see you. Mr. Man.

I wish you were a door, baby,

'cause I'd slam you all night long!

[laughs] Um...

No, thanks.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

Christ, is it tattooed on my forehead?

Sort of.

Okay, well, maybe I ama virgin.

What's the big deal?

Maybe I'm just not .

Maybe I'm asexual.

Maybe you're gay.

Maybe I'm just sensitive!

Mellow, homey!

Are you ever not totally wasted?

That is so rude!

There is a lot more to me than meets the eye!

I happen to be a very intelli...

[loud flushing]

You all right?

[water splashing]

Yeah.

It's all just screwed up, you know——

school and relationships and men and women.

I mean...nobody knows who the hell they are.

You know what? Forget all that stuff, Amanda.

All that matters is right now. And right now,

I'm happy. You know?

I got my health. I got a killer outfit.

I'm hangin' out with you.

It's good enough for me.

I had a... really good time tonight.

Yeah, me, too.

A really good time.

You wanna do it again sometime?

It's not a trick question.

No. I know. I know.

Um...yeah.

You do. Yes.

You want to go out again. Mm—hmm.

[chuckling] All right.

All right. Well...

Good night.

Good night.

Okay.

All right.

Bye. Bye.

[giggles]

[breathing passionately]

[exhales]

[Matt exhales sharply]

What are you doin'?

I want you, Clay.

Oh, Matt.

What are you doin'?

Nothin'.

Okay.

Oh, dude. I am in love, man.

What's his name?

Amanda is totally feelin' me, dude.

I can sense it. You know?

I think gay Clay is cooler than me.

You know? He's—— He's totally ballsy.

Should I get my nipple pierced?

Is there any part of you that sees how immoral this is?

What's wrong with you, Matt?

It's like you're gunning for me to fail, man.

I mean, do you honestly want the two of us

wallowing in the room by ourselves for the next four years?

You're turning into a bitchy queen.

Well, sometimes bein' a bitch is all a man has in this world.

[sighs]

Ahem.

Mochaccino break?

Oh, my God.

Jessica is a fashion disaster.

My clothes suck, too.

Maybe you just need to bust out a little bit.

Like this. Hello!

Are you kidding?

No. I'm serious. No!

Just try it on, please?

No. I really don't want to.

Dig deep, girl. Do it.

For me. Okay.

Within your breasts

[clears throat loudly]

Okay. We're good. We're good. Okay. Okay.

Ready? Look. Look. Okay.

This is nice. Diagonal with the floral.

Lookin' hot. This is fun.

These are great.

Check it out. Come here.

[sighs]

Here.

Like stars on the sea

[instrumental]

And stones in the sky [chuckles]

Look at you.

You look incredible.

What are you doin'?

Is that my dress?

I fuckin' hate you, Amanda!

That rag makes my ass

look like a fuckin' Mack truck!

You have a beautiful ass.

Well, thank you, Rah. So.

Clay. Are you gonna

be here for the party next week?

Clay's not really into that kinda

stuff, Jessica. You know how important

it is, Amanda.

I would absolutely love to go to a party.

Saturday. Be there. Rock on. Okay?

So a party, huh?

Yep. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, you wanna ditch class and get drunk?

Totally. All right. [laughs]

Later.

[girls chuckling]

Hi. Hi.

Amanda's out with her gay friend.

What is she doin' with him?

Learning how to suck dick.

[chuckles] Charming, as always.

Cock—blocked by a butt pirate.

I've got the situation under control.

Mmm...[chuckles]

So. What are you doin' tonight.

Jesus, you still want to have sex with me.

Hah! Don't flatter yourself.

Why? Do you—— Do you want to?

Pig. [chuckles]

Why are you such a man heater, Serena?

It's like you're jealous or something.

You're right, dammit. I amjealous.

Why am I such a vicious bitch?

I am so sorry, Tazwell.

Oh, Serena...

Moron.

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, stranger.

Hey, Tazwell. Hi.

You wanna go grab a bite to eat?

Hey, darlin'. Mwah!

Oh, hi. Let's go.

I'm sorry. I already have plans.

[Clay] Yeah, you can come.

Thanks, but no.

So, what are we doin' tonight?

We're gonna go to a place

where guys won't stare at my rack all night.

I don't know of such a place.

A gay bar.

[sighs] Wouldn't you rather, like, go to the movies—— No, no, please.

Clay, I've never been.

Please?

[hot dance beat]

[crowd shouts, chatters]

[Man] For ladies...

and for gents.

Thank you very much.

My girl!

What's up, kid?

Hello, ladies. Hi!

[laughs]

Hello.

This is my BFF Amanda.

Hey, darlin'. Nice

rack.

Clay. Sweet, sweet, Clay,

What can I fetch for y'all?

Uh... Um,

tequila. Yeah?

Doubles,

please.

You go ahead and drink that pain away, girl.

[both chuckle] Gimme an apple martini.

Yes, ma'am.

Have I ever told you

you are the cutest little poofter on campus?

Uh, no, but thanks.

Th—This is Amanda.

[Amanda] Hi. Hi.

How about a dance, Clay?

I don't think so.

Come on.

No, really, Sherman. Maybe later?

Okey—dokey. Mm—hmm.

Mm—hmm.

[clears throat]

See you later, Clay.

Uh—huh.

Not your type? No.

She is a bit of a shit souffl.

[Clay laughs]

So. What isyour type?

Not him.

I'm not cramping your style, am I?

[sighs] Because——

No, really, you should feel free

to go home with a guy if...that's what you want.

Amanda, you are my number one tonight. Okay?

Ohhh...

Okay. Let's drink.

[sighs] Oh, God.

Aah! Okay. Let's dance. [Clay coughs]

Yeah? Dance? Yeah.

[loud techno]

Higher and higher and higher

Higher and higher and higher

Higher and higher

Imagine I can

Imagine I can

Imagine I can

Imagine I can

Hey...

[builds to crescendo]

[cheering, shouting]

Listen, man, I need the room.

I'm sleeping.

I know, I know,

but Amanda and I want to hang out.

You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.

No. I—— I think tonight's the night, man.

[groans]

Ohhh...so this is the big moment.

I think so.

Tell me. How's e

just to screw some girl?

It's like ideological rape.

You know what? It—— It's not like that, man.

I'm really into this chick.

Why aren't you happy for me?

Because. I—-

What?!

Nothing. You're a dick.

Hi! Matt, right?

Yeah! See ya.

Uh...uh, come on in.

Thanks.

[humming]

[clattering] Shit!

You scared the crap

outta me! What are you doin' here?

What are

you?

[clears throat]

So, you wanna fuck?

So.

So.

Uh, do you mind if I lay down for a second?

Oh, n—no. No, not at all.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

[sighing] Ohhh...

[sighing] Oh, God, I think I'm drunk.

You okay?

Hell, Clay, I've turned into a fag hag.

I'm actually lying here wondering why all guys can't be just like you.

Ohh! What am I doing here, Clay?

What do you mean?

I really like you.

Yeah, I...

I really like you, too.

You're most most amazing person I've ever met.

No. You don't understand.

Um...

I likeyou.

Do you li...

[inhales deeply]

I can't do this.

I can't do this right now.

Why? Wh—— Because I'm gay?

No. Well, yes.

This is—— This is just... not right.

It's unfair to you, '.

W—Wait.

There's something I need to tell—— No. Don't.

I—— I gotta go.

[opens door]

Don't sweat it, dude. It happens.

You think I'm a fag, don't you?

Even if you are, it's no big deal.

They ain't special.

Your shit'll stink either way. [chuckles]

Besides, we both know

who you'd rather be screwin'. Who?

[chuckles]

You're not foolin' anyone.

It ain't that deep, babe.

You're not so freaky when you're sober.

Don't tell anyone, okay?

Later.

Serena, do you have a second?

Give us a second, Tanya.

She's got such magic fingers.

[sighs]

So. What's up, Amanda?

About the freak fest.

My guy's not into me.

You're in love with him.

No. I just don't think it's gonna work out.

You know, my cousin married a gay man.

Had no idea he was into dudes

until she caught him blowing his best friend in the garage.

She freaked out, ran into the street, and got hit by a truck.

Today she's, like, .

And...your point...is...

My point is, wake up, Amanda.

Gays manipulate women into falling for them all the time.

Well, Clay's not like that.

Fine. Then let's say he tries giving up gay life for you.

Do you really think he can talk himself out of it?

He's had a dick in his mouth,

and he's gonna want it again, because fags, Amanda,

are still men.

Well, I really don't think that that means

that we have to go out of our way to hurt them.

Listen. You're part of the superior Tau legacy.

You're basically getting a free ride here.

Are you gonna drop out of school and ruin your whole life

over some misguided attraction to a homo?

You're such a beautiful, sensitive girl.

You belong here...

with your sisters.

Okay, I—— I gotta go to class.

Okay, baby. Run along, then.

I'll see you next week.

[indistinct chatter]

Can I talk to you about my paper?

Your read on Huckleberry Finn

left much to be desired, Mr. Adams.

Huck and Jim as interracial gay lovers?

Please.

I thought you wanted something new,

something revolutionary.

All you did was give the analysis a makeover.

At the core, your paper is painfully conventional.

Revolutionary? I don't think so.

Bitch.

Hey.

Where you been hidin', Amanda?

Oh, over the rainbow and far from heaven.

[chuckles]

You got feelings for the gay guy, huh?

I just think I have an overwhelming need

to confirm the impossibility of me finding the right person.

Well, you know, maybe that's just easier

than getting close to someone who's...

appropriate.

And who's appropriate for me, Tazwell?

Someone not gay? [chuckles]

Right. You know, whenever I feel

like it's all fucked, I just...

well, I go to the roof of the house and sit.

And I'll check out the stars and...

and listen to the wind and...

smoke a cigarette... and just for a second,

nothing's really that deep.

And I realize all I needed was just

that one perfect moment to make all the bullshit go away.

But then the moment leaves.

Yeah, and then another one comes along.

You just...you gotta learn to savor the small stuff, Amanda.

Like what?

Like...

starin' at a cheeseburger, right?

And knowin' that nothin'll be more satisfyi''

than takin' that first bite.

Or when you get stoned and you realize...

"Hey. I'm stoned."

Yeah, or like the moment

when you see a white plastic bag

blowing in circles in the breeze.

[chuckles]

Yeah. Man, you aretough.

But I break just like a little girl.

[chuckles] See, this is

one of those little moments for me—-

sittin' here with you, thinkin', "Shit, this is why I'm a man

and God created women." [chuckles]

But there's no place in the universe I'd rather be...

or nothin' else I'd rather do than...

to kiss you.

Are you trying to rescue me... Tazwell?

[chuckles]

Let's go for a walk.

Amanda, it's Clay.

Uh...

We need to talk.

Call me back, okay?

Bye.

Jesus Christ!

You look really cute tonight.

Sherman, you scared the shit outta me, man!

You know, there aren't a lot of gay boys

at this school that won't go out with me.

Well, I'm not like a lot of gay boys.

How about a kiss? I don't think so, dude.

Aw, don't be such a tease. You know you want it.

Oh, my God, you did not just say that.

Aw, come on.

Sh—Sherman, I said no!

I want you, Clay.

Oh, my God, I'm being raped?

You can't rape the willing. Uhh!

Uhh...

Uhh...

Oh, my God, Clay!

Hey! You, stop! Come back here!

[tearfully] Clay, who did this to you?!

Help!

Somebody, help us! Please!

[inhales deeply]

Umhh...

How many times do I have to tell you?

I saw frat boys with bats and, uh, chains.

They attacked Clay and fled.

I think one of them yelled "Fudgepacker."

Fudgepacker.

Mmhh.

Wha—— Clay, you shouldn't be up.

I'm fine.

What the hell's goin' on here?

Mr. O'Brien here says that, uh,

some fraternity brothers attacked you.

[laughing] What?

Brennan—— It was dark.

And it all happened so fast,

but I know what I saw.

I think.

Oh, you people are confusing me.

So, did you know the alleged attackers?

What do you mean, "alleged"? I mean,

were you friendly with 'em,

or were you tryin' to get friendly with 'em?

Are you implying that he asked for this?

You're blaming the victim, you homophobic monster.

Can it! So, what is it?

It's a nightmare.

Look—— Look, I fell. I fell.

I'm a total klutz. There was no attack.

Don't, Clay. This isn't right.

You know what, Brennan? Go home.

Listen, man, you're either part of the problem,

or you're part of the solution.

Go! Now!

Fine. But you have not heard the last of me.

Not by a long shot.

Whatever. Okay. So... we're done, right?

I can go now and case closed?

Listen. I need you to check out with the nurse. And do me a favor.

You be careful next time.

Yeah, okay.

[softly] Fuckin' faggot.

Then there'll be a screening

of If These Walls Could Talk II,

followed by a discussion next Friday.

[chatter and laughter] Oh, my God!

Clay Adams was gay—bashed

last night by frat boys, and the campus police

are tryin' to cover it up. Hate crime!

Clay? Was he hurt?

He's fine, but he refuses to press charges.

He won't even admit that it happened!

How do you... know what happened?

I

was there!

They will not get away with this!

Let's not get emotional.

No. You're not getting

emotional enough! Please,

Bessie. Just... quiet down.

I've beenquiet...

for 3,000 years!

This...is World War III!

DEFCON 5!

Okay. I move we mobilize

every oppressed group on campus and organize a protest.

Protest? All in favor, say "Aye."

Aye! Aye! Aye!

Motion passed. Fags,

contact the African— American Student Society.

Bis, call the Women's Center.

Trannies, make sure Hillel and ElClub Latino get their asses in gear.

Dykes, call the Young Communist Society

as well as Straight Men for Change.

This is not just a gay issue.

Unleash... the dragon.

Take no crap!

[All] We will fight back!

We will fight back!

We will fight back!

[cheering]

A—Amanda.

[chuckles] Hey!

Hey.

Why haven't you ?

I'm...I'm sorry.

I've just been really busy, and... look,

I'm in a really big rush, so I'll talk to you later. Okay?

Yeah, what—— what about the, uh, party tonight?

Right. The party. Um...

I just—— I don't think it's a good idea if you come.

'Cause Tazwell's stopping by, and...

What's goin' on, Amanda?

Look, I can't do this anymore, Clay.

I'm sorry.

[song intro]

[song, indistinct]

[pop rock]

Hey, ladies]

[strained speech] I love you. [laughs]

We gonna party tonight

I'm gonna party tonight

Hey, ladies

[continues indistinct]

You're up.

We gonna party tonight

[instrumental]

I'm gonna party tonight

[continues, indistinct]

Where's Clay?

I broke it off.

You're dead meat.

Whatever.

Amanda?

Where's your boy?

Look, Serena, I——

You know how how gay guys are.

They take a lot longer to get ready than girls.

[sobbing]

[sobbing]

Hey. Jackpot.

Well, I hope he gets here soon.

We gonna party tonight

I'm gonna party tonight

I have to get outta here

right now.

Are you sure you really want to do this?

Hey.

Are you?

I'm gonna party tonight

I step in and they're playin' my song

Amanda.

What are you doing here?

We need to talk. Okay?

[weeping]

[sobs]

Is this a costume party?

Look, you have to get out of here. Please.

Just a second. Later.

There's something I need to tell you. Later. Okay? Later.

It can't wait.

Jump in

Hey, Ladies

[continues, indistinct]

What is it, Clay? All right, listen.

I'm gonna party tonit

What? What? ?

You make me feel like a real man.

I mean, maybe my whole life has been one big lie,

and I'm—— I'm not really gay.

What are you talking about, Clay? Come on. What?

Screw it. Amanda, I'm in love with you.

What?

I've fallen in love with you.

Oh, my God. Don't say that. Please.

Don't. Why?

Well done, Amanda.

What the hell is goin' on?

You Jew devil!

Rah!

Rah! Please!

Wait! Come back!

[Girl] Get away from me!

No! Constance, I love you!

[Girl] I don't care! Uhh!

This is a setup.

I'm sorry. Uhh.

It's all... pretty hilarious.

Fuck.

Clay, please.

Welcome, sister.

Clay.

Are you all right?

[clears throat]

What's wrong?

I'm in love with you.

No, you're not.

That was freaky, man.

Look, you're shit—faced. Okay? Just mellow out.

Do you have any idea what it's like

to room with a guy who's not gay

but happens to be the gayest guy on the planet?

It sucks.

It's not fair.

My life's so bad.

You seem pretty good at it to me.

I just wish...

Come on, Matt.

Don't make this... weirder.

You know what? Fuck this.

Matt!

[Girl] Power to the people, men.

[Girl] You go, girl.

Oh, my God.

Man. How about Clay, huh?

Oh, God. I want to call him so bad.

But I'm sure I'm the last person he'd want to talk to.

Forget about him, Amanda.

You need to be with someone that's gonna make you happy.

You deserve it. Someone like Taz.

Hey, you're still goin' with him

to the Greek Formal, right?

Yeah.

Just get all that gay outta your head.

I know, I know. Maybe you're right.

So, have you seen Rah?

Yeah. I phoned him,

and then he called me a Jew twat and hung up.

Ohh! Whatever.

Yeah.

[sighs] Whatever.

Oh, I'm here, baby!

I'm never gonna let you go.

Oop. Okay.

Could you just...

uh, give me one minute?

Stand proud...

my gay brother!

Marjorie! Ohh. Put that down.

Gosh, Clay, I've been trying to get in touch with you.

Are you okay?

Yeah. What the hell is this all about?

You were gay—bashed, you dumb shit.

I wasn't bashed. That asshole Sherman attacked me.

Oh, my Goddess.

All right, look, I have to tell you something.

I'm not even gay.

I knew it!

I was tryin' to get some girl to like me.

That's ridiculous, Clay.

Well, it's a long story. Can you help me stop this, please?

You know what? You're an asshole.

Listen, fuck—wad, this rally is happening with or without you.

Face it, Adams.

You da Rosa Parks of da pink set.

It doesn't even make sense.

This is politics. Doesn't have to.

[sighs] Oh, my God.

I wrote a song about you.

Fuck off!

[lively party chatter]

...fun night

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody wang chung tonight

Everybody have fun tonight

Everybody wang chung tonight

I feel like I'm at prom.

Oh, my fuckin' God.

Does this mean I'm gonna have to

fuck my date on a golf course? Uhh...

Hello.

[indistinct chatter]

Today it's a gay!

No! No!

Tomorrow it's a black!

No! No!

Or Latino!

No! No!

Or Jew! No! No!

Or the guy in the fucking wheelchair!

No! No!

Remember Clay!

[All] Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

Stop the hate! Remember Clay!

[dance song]

So, you havin' fun yet?

Huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm havin' a great time.

Well, check out the beautiful people.

You look incredible, Amanda.

You think I can borrow this guy for a minute?

I need some help with the program.

Sure.

Great.

Taz?

Be right back.

Professor Jackson?

What are you doin'?

Adams.

[clears throat]

Want a hit?

Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

Tau Sorority has got to go!

Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

Tau Sorority has got to go!

Ohhh...

[exhales sharply]

[mouths]

Sorry, Taz.

My...TMJ is killing me.

What?!

What?!

Hey, you can't do that to a guy!

[zips up zipper] Ow!

Ohh!

You're not really gay, are you?

How'd you know that?

I've been tenured here for six years, Clay.

I know fake fruit when I see it.

You must think I'm pretty ridiculous.

At 19...who isn't?

You're all just dying to be anyone but yourselves...

doing anything to avoid that four—year route to the inevitable.

And what's the inevitable?

That your worst fears about your future will actually come true.

That you really are just the sum of your parts.

This identity that you've been fleeing from

will catch you. And in the blink of an eye,

your life will consist of nothing

but bills to be paid...

unfed desires...

kids to raise...

and silences to fill.

That is just...the most...

awful fucking thing I've ever heard.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get

all didactic on your ass.

[laughs]

When I was in college, I wanted to be a dancer.

Oh, I was good at it, too.

Tap, ballet, modern jazz.

Oh, but I gave that up.

I knew my fat ass would never make it to Broadway.

And so here I am now...

sitting on the floor...

with you.

Well, maybe things for me will be—— What?

I don't know.

Different.

Well, you say you want a revolution.

So prove me wrong. Be bold.

[exhales sharply]

I gotta go.

Sure, sure. Class dismissed.

Mmhh.

I dig you, Professor Jackson.

I dig you, too.

[chuckles]

Fosse!

Let's show these fraternity fucks

what queer power's all about!

[All] Storm the formal!

Storm the formal!

Storm the formal!

Storm the formal!

Storm the formal! Come on!

[shouting and chanting]

Storm the...

Storm the formal!

Come on, dude!

As much as I would like to

[continues, indistinct]

Hey, Amanda. There you are.

I've been lookin' for ya.

I know I never will forget...

I'm an idiot.

Oh, shit. Amanda, I'm...

[sighs]

Go to hell.

I did it for your own good, Amanda.

You needed to know what a prick he is.

You mean so much to me.

Fuck men. We don't need them.

You know what, Serena?

If you want to sleep with me... just ask.

What are you talking about? That's disgusting. I'm not gay.

[laughs] How could you say something like that?

What's wrong with you? I'm not gay. [explosions]

I'm just gonna go now.

I'm not, dammit, I'm not!

[Rioters] No justice, no peace!

What the... No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace!

Gay power!

It's payback time...

motherfuckers.

No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace!

No justice, no peace.

No justice, no peace.

No justice, no peace.

No justice, no peace. [glass shattering]

No justice...

Holy shit!

[glass shattering]

[indistinct shouting]

[Clay] Hey! Stop this!

What the hell are you doing?!

Stop!

Uhh!

[crowd settles down]

I'm—— I'm Clay Adams.

Hi, Clay. Hi, Clay.

This is bullshit. I wasn't gay—bashed.

Huh? What? What happened?

Sherman Jessup attacked me when he found out

that I wasn't that kinda girl.

He wanted me.

He led me on.

When a man or a woman says "No,"

they mean "No."

[thud] Ohh! Asshole!

Unhh! Back off!

Get off of me!

Fuck you.

So, listen, I'm just...

I'm just this jerk who...

Yeah? Yeah?

...pretended to be gay...

What? What?

...get...this girl to notice me.

I'm in love with her.

That's right. .

because I'm not even gay.

Well...I thought about it.

But it wasn't really my thing. You know?

N—Never mind.

[whining] I fuckin' love a towel—head!

Rahib! Rahib!

Right. So——

So, let's—— let's stop this. Okay?

I mean, this is all my fault.

Look around, you guys. There's—— uh...

There's not that much difference between you.

Okay. All right. You see the person next to you?

Give 'em a big hug.

I'm serious. Just go ah——

Big group hug.

Fuck that shit.

[Guy] Shut up, you dyke!

Oh, no, you fuckin' didn't.

You motherfucker!

[all shouting angrily]

Amanda! Amanda!

Amanda!

[angry shouting]

Amanda.

Amanda, wait. Let me——

Can I...Can I explain this, please?

Explain what, Clay? That you lied to me so you could fuck me?

'Cause I get it.

It wasn't like that, though.

Well, at...first, yeah.

It was. But then it—— it turned into something else.

And you lied, too.

Great. So we're both liars.

Now, will you just let me get outta here?

Fine. Let me walk you home.

Back to Pittsburgh?

'Cause that's where I'm going.

You're goin' back to mom?

Wow. [sighs]

Go fuck yourself, Clay.

Amanda.

Don't follow me.

Pick 'em up. Uhh!

Fuckin' children.

Fuckin' kids!

[door opens]

Oh. I...didn't know you were here.

Ho—— Hold on.

[sighs]

Are things ever gonna be normal with us?

I don't know.

Sorry, man.

For what? Not wanting to suck

my dick?

Yeah.

[laughs] Yeah.

Sorry about that, man.

I like you, Matt.

I swear to God, man, if things were different,

I'd be all over your shit,

'cause I'm tellin' you, bro, if you turned me on in the least bit...

...I'd be the happiest guy in the world.

You are such a corny bastard.

[both chuckle]

I'm tryin' to have a moment with you, man.

[sighs heavily] You want to know something?

What?

You're a horrible kisser.

[chuckles] Fuck off, dude.

Really.

You serious?

Yeah.

Gimme a break, Matt.

I was wasted, man.

I told you

to wait outside. What if somebody sees me?

Deal with.

Shit.

[door closes]

Friggin' closet case. [chuckles]

Yeah. He's got a mouth like a Hoover, though.

Well, you deserve nothin' less, bud.

So.

Can I have the room?

Clay, what happened to you?

You look like a lesbian.

You need some help back there?

Nope. Somebody's blue.

What's up, kid?

There's somethin' I should probably tell you.

Well... you're the daughter I never had. Spill it.

I'm in love with a girl.

Come again?

I lied to you, Rodney. I'm not gay.

Well, blow me gently. You're hetero?

I'm sorry.

Are you pissed?

No, Clay, I'm not pissed.

You just don't know what it's like for an old faggot like me

to hear that straight boys want to be gay.

Believe me, it's a beautiful thing.

It's what we fought for all our lives.

[laughing] It's the happiest day of my life.

I may cry.

Why—— Why would you want to be gay?

To get Amanda to like me.

The fag hag?

Yeah. Clever boy.

Well...

...now she hates me.

But she liked you when you were gay.

Yeah. It doesn't matter now,though.

No. What doesn't really matter is whether you're gay or straight.

What's important...

is whether you're trsfierce

and muy fabuloso.

Think, Clay.

You know who you want.

You have no idea what a gift that is.

I would give my right arm to have that feeling back

for just one moment, because before you know it...

...time has passed you by.

So, what should I do now?

[sighs] Well...

You be the man your mama made you be. Come here.

[Rodney pats Clay's back]

Enough.

[Clay exhales sharply]

Fierce.

Fierce.

I thought you left already.

My bus is late.

[clears throat]

[sighs sharply]

So, how are you?

Well, the Taus revoked my scholarship.

My mom's pissed.

But my Aunt Kinney got me a job

at the Neiman's makeup counter, so...

I meant how are you?

Yeah, I...I know what you meant.

Pffff...

[clears throat]

I fucked up.

We both did.

Look, I know you...

probably think you don't know me at all.

But believe me when I say that being your friend...

was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

[sighs]

And maybe you think this is crap,

but I think...

...being gay made me a decent straight guy.

Look, I really do miss hanging out with you.

I'm the same guy.

[chuckles] And who's that, Clay?

Just a guy.

Just another idiot guy.

That top is fabulous.

I'm not sure about the color.

Really? I think it brings out your eyes.

[laughs]

And the cut is daring.

It's a bold choice.

Oh. Right.

[chuckles]

I look pretty fabulous, huh?

Totally, girl.

[laughs]

[song intro]

Oh, baby, baby

Oh, baby, baby

Oh, baby, baby

How was I supposed to know

That somethin' wasn't right?

Oh, baby, baby

I shouldn't have let you go

And now you're out of sight

Show me how you...

This is gonna change everything, you know.

I hope so.

'Cause I need to know

Now because

My loneliness is killin me

And I

I must confess

I still believe

Still believe

When I'm not with you

[coughing]

Palestinians deserve to be liberated!

Children are dying!

Their blood is on Zionists' hands!

Just shut up and fuck me!

Okay.

The reason I breathe...

Thank you ever so much.

Hey, ladies.

Oh, sit down. We're not gonna bite.

Unless you boys are into that shit.

Shut up, bitch.

You two are actually gay, right?

Totally.

That's not

The way I planned it

[sighs]

So, what did youdo?

Sexual assault.

Yeah. Me, too. Lyin' bitches.

Yeah. He wanted it.

What?

[chuckles]

My loneliness

Is killin' me

And I

First just give me another massage.

...Is killin' me

Is killin' me

When I'm not with you

I lose my mind

Give me a sign

Hit me, baby, one more time

Hey...

stud.

Oh, baby, baby

Hey, hey, yeah

You missed your bus.

Ohhh...

there'll be another one.

[chuckles]

Hit me, baby, one more time

[song ends]

[guitar intro]

I've been havin' a bad day

Something's rubbing the wrong way

And I need somethin' to show for

Nothing to go for

'Cause I think it's over my head

And I can't describe this feelin'

I've climbed from floor to ceilin'

Don't have the strength to wake up

Won't have the arms to take up

Everything and nothing

Won't wait 'cause I'm not bluffin'

I never asked for any help

I'm askin' now

[instrumental]

Think I'll last through the weekend

Stay away from the deep end

'Cause I got nothin' to show for

And I know I need more

Circling over my head

I can't describe this feelin'

I've climbed from floor to ceilin'

Don't have the strength to wake up

Won't have the arms to take up

Everything and nothin'

Won't wait 'cause I'm not bluffin'

I never asked for any help

I'm askin' now

And I don't care where it takes me

If it takes me away

I won't know if it breaks me

Till tomorrow comes

What have I done today?

Closed—Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA