Original subtitles

? ?

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

(blows nose) Sick? What?

(chuckles) I mean, barely.

It's nothing. It's really nothing.

- (hacking) Achoo! - (all groan)

Oh, God.

I-I just don't think it's a good idea for you to go tonight.

And miss the kids' "Mother's Day Assembly" at school? No way.

You mean "Mothers and Primary Caregivers

Appreciation Cabaret."

Lin, nobody would be able to hear the performance

over your constant coughing.

Plus you'd get everyone sick

since you're terrible at covering your sneezes.

- Achoo! - Ugh.

- Ugh. - That was all over me. Ugh.

Silly me without my poncho.

Lin, what if I record the performance for you?

It's not the same thing.

Whoa, is that the flux capacitor?

Does that transform into anything?

No, but it records just fine.

Yeah, people are fools for using a higher quality machine

- that also fits in their pocket. - LINDA: But, Bob,

- you're a terrible cameraman. - What?!

You're too worried about blocking people's view.

A school function is not the place to be polite.

Okay, I'll be more rude.

Good. And I don't want to hear you

breathing into the mic either.

It's like there's always a monster just off screen.

Don't breathe. Got it.

It'll be like you were there, Lin.

- You promise? - Promise.

All right, we got to go.

Everyone lift the camera on the count of three.

One, two...

(kids groaning)

Welcome.

In honor of Mother's Day on Sunday,

each of our grades will wow you with a song

or dazzle you with a skit.

Mothers and mother-like caregivers,

prepare to be appreciated.

(quietly): Oh, God, squatting is so hard.

And now, our fourth graders will take you back

to the Old West, with "Mom on the Range!"

(piano plays)

(camcorder beeps) "End of tape"?

No, no, no, no, no. Rewind faster.

KIDS (off-key): ? Mom, Mom on the range ?

? Where the dear and the mom-elope play ?

All rewound.

And here we go.

? The end! ?

Oh, crap, it's over.

Okay, at least I can get Gene and Tina's.

Two out of three. Not terrible.

Our sixth graders have been studying myths.

Put your hands together for them,

? they're mythological and mytho-lovable, ?

the sixth grade!

- (camcorder beeps) - BOB: "Battery dead"?

No, no, no.

Oh, I have the cord.

I just need an outlet.

Excuse me, excuse me.

KIDS: ? Our lives are eternal ?

? Are eternal ?

Dang it.

KIDS: ? Your love is maternal ?

? Maternal ?

Ugh!

KIDS: ? That's gods for ya ?

BOB: All right.

? The end ?

GENE: ? The end. ?

Damn it. Oh. Okay, I can still get Tina.

One is something, right?

And now, your favorite space cadets,

the eighth graders!

? ?

All right, all right, here we, here we go.

- ZEKE: Moms are very special people. - (tape whirs) _

No, no, no, no, no.

JIMMY JR.: That's why they're called moms.

Don't you die on me, camera.

I guess you could say...

I guess Tina could say...

It's your line, girl.

Oh. Moms are out of this world.

And step-moms, right, Cheryl?

- Love you, girl! - CHERYL: Whoo!

- (whimpers) - Dad, we have to go inside

at some point, that's our home.

Plus, maybe it's okay that Mom that will never see that.

- 'Cause it was awful. - It was crap.

Hey, maybe she won't be that mad.

What?! You didn't record it?!

(sobbing loudly)

- Oh, boy. - Nothing?!

My babies!

I'm so sorry, Lin.

It's gone, it's all gone forever.

- Choo! - All over me.

I mean, maybe you kids could kind of describe

the performance a little

for your mom. That might help Dad.

Me, I'm your dad.

(sighs) All right, tell me your performances.

Just like they happened.

(blows loudly)

Let me just get this last little bit out.

(blowing loudly)

(whispering): Hey, guys.

We don't have to tell it exactly as it happened.

Right. Because that would be depressing for her.

Yeah, I mean, we could goose the performances a little bit.

Uh, yeah, yeah, do that.

Yeah. Let's give Mom a real show.

She deserves a good Mother's Day present.

Also, will you go before me?

I don't know what "goose the performances" means.

(blows loudly)

Okay. (blows) Ugh, there she is.

Uh, Mother, I'll go first.

My class did a Western.

It was pretty gritty, pretty raw.

It was called...

- "The Town with No Moms." - Oh.

LOUISE: The set design was real impressive.

I mean, a bunch of kids stayed late to do it.

LINDA: Okay, all right.

- LOUISE: It had been a normal old - (glass shattering)

western town till Meanie McQueen came in, breaking glass and kicking ass.

Which was bad for the sheriff.

Once again, I'm gonna ask you nicely to stop doing that.

- Let me think about it. - (glass shatters)

- Nope. - Well, thanks for considering it.

I do like your choice in jewelry.

I bet it'd look mighty good on me.

- Give me it. - I'd rather not.

Give me your badge, Sheriff!

No, I don't want to!

Ha! Now she's the sheriff!

(Linda gasps)

LOUISE: The moms of the town tried to stand up to Meanie,

so Meanie and her goons locked them all up.

Hence the title of the play. "The Town with No Moms."

Ah. Okay, yeah.

The sheriff knew he couldn't handle

Meanie McQueen on his own.

He needed help

from the roughest, toughest,

cactus kicker he ever knew.

- Mom? - Hello, son.

- What you knitting? - Spurs.

I need your help.

I'm sure you do, but you never write,

you never call, you're critical of my life choices.

You were a bad guy, Mom, an outlaw.

What, are you still mad about me not going

to your sheriff graduation?

Is that what this is about?

I told you 100 times, I had business!

- You were in jail! - In jail on business!

Lies!

Plus, I tried to break out, okay?

Gosh.

Anyway, what brings you back home?

Well, a no-good meanie named Meanie McQueen

took my badge and keys and threw all the moms

in my town in jail.

Now it's a... town with no moms.

Did you tell them in your big sheriff voice

that you didn't like it when they threw all the moms in jail?

I think so.

Well, then, sounds like you need a little help.

Let's do this.

? ?

Guess what, Meanie McQueen?

I told my mom on you.

Aw. The mom of the sheriff is an ex-outlaw.

I love it.

- And you're telling the story so well. - Achoo!

And back to the story. We're gonna get sick.

The sheriff and his tough mom toughly walked in, looking tough.

Aw, you brought your mommy.

That's right. Did I stutter?

Because sometimes I stutter,

but I feel like I got that out pretty clearly.

Ask the jailhouse full of moms if I'm scared of moms.

And then ask them if they like mom jeans

that were invented recently.

Listen, I don't like the way you're treating my boy.

And you're gonna knock it off.

Let me tell you what I'm gonna knock off.

I'm gonna knock off this glass.

- Oh, dear. - (Andy and Ollie whimper)

And then I'm gonna knock that attitude

right off of your face.

Ha. I'd like to see you try.

Taking care of you is gonna be a snap.

(pops mouth)

That sounds like a stretch.

Whoa, this is getting tense.

(deep, wheezing breath)

Rubber bands? What's with the rubber bands?

What's wrong with rubber bands?

Nothing. Go on.

LOUISE: They faced off, face-to-face.

I'm gonna give you till the count of three

to get out of town on your own.

And I'm not gonna do that thing where I fling my rubber band

after I only count to one.

Oh, my gosh, that's super nice of you.

- Okay, then, one... - I'm doing that thing!

- Ugh! - Get 'em!

(rubber bands bouncing)

(panting): What do we do?

They got us pinned down.

Son, I'm like a starched collar.

I'm never pinned down.

Ow! I'm hit!

(groaning in pain)

Fling! Fling! Fling! Fling! Fling! Ow! Move it!

- Go, go, go, go, go! Go! - (Rudy panting)

You got the angle, son.

Here it goes.

Ow!

My beautiful knee!

(screams, then grunts)

Is it safe for a kid to fall off

a second-floor balcony like that?

It's fine. Millie trained for weeks for that fall.

Yeah, she's Jessica Alba's stunt double.

RUDY: All right, Meanie. We've got you outnumbered.

- Okay, I give up! - Really?

Yeah, I know when I'm beat.

Just gonna get a quick sarsaparilla for the road.

Make it real quick.

Oh, I will.

Fling!

Ow!

You jerks. (crying)

Hey, can I get my badge and key back?

Uh, thank you.

Mom, you got Meanie.

You fought my battles for me.

(gasps) Mom?

Mom?

No!

She got me, Rudy.

She got me right in the gut.

But...

I think this is it for me.

But, no.

Damn these rubber bands.

Damn them to hell!

What will I do without you?

Oh, Rudy.

You'll live.

'Cause I raised you to live.

(crying)

Always remember how great your mom was.

And always remember to breathe harder than others.

Adios, much...

(wheezing): ... chacho.

She's got asthma, too.

(crying)

(deep, wheezing breath)

(coughing and crying)

LOUISE: The town with no moms was gonna have to go by a different name.

Because of one mom, who saved all the moms,

they named it Momtown.

(sneezes)

Momtown.

What a tearjerker.

I know. You can see why I haven't

been doing my homework lately.

I've been so focused on that play.

It was very impressive to see, in person.

Yeah. (whistles)

Mm-hmm. (whistles)

Tina, what'd your class do?

Um, it's all so fresh, I'm still kind of remembering what we did.

But Gene's got that "Let me go next" face.

Do I?

You definitely do, Gene.

We did kind of a skit song with xylophones and clouds.

It was called "Eternally Maternal."

Ooh, a skit song.

I was completely in sync with everyone else,

in case you were wondering.

Ah. Sure.

GENE: I played a god named Yingo.

My brothers Yango and Yongo and I

created the universe and everything in it.

We made clouds, TV, breadsticks,

unlimited breadsticks.

We had it good, real good.

Hey, check out what I made with the Staff of Creation.

A banana-ffalo.

It's half banana, half buffalo.

Wait, what mythology is this?

Uh, it's kind of a mishmash.

Greek, Roman, Pok�mon, Tex-Mex, you know.

Sure, sure.

Anyway.

Boy, do we have it good, except...

? Sometimes I feel really under-snuggled ?

? Under-snuggled ?

? What if we could be snuggled often ?

? By someone that's really soft and... ?

- Gentle? - Gentle?

We could call her Mombo.

Or Mom for short?

? And she could kiss our god-ouchies all better ?

? Ooh ?

? And she'd smell just like you remember ?

? Yeah ?

? And stop us from watching too much TV... ?

- Huh? - Wait, what?

Yeah. We need, uh, healthy limits.

Hey, uh, Yingo. Let me see that Staff of Creation real quick. No reason.

Oh, okay, sure.

Ha, ha, ha! You're never creating a mom.

Hey, give it back.

No. (grunts)

GENE: And they played Keep Away over the audience

and people went crazy.

I'm throwing this across the universe.

(grunts) No!

LINDA: Oh, that Yango and Yongo.

Why don't they want a mom?

- Little punks. - I know.

Yingo's pretty great, though, right?

Gene, go on with your incredibly accurate accounting

of what happened earlier tonight.

I will. There I was,

searching the universe for the Staff of Creation.

Ugh! Why did I have to make the universe so huge?

I can't find anything.

I want that staff.

I want to have someone like a mom.

COURTNEY: You mean like me?

(angelic voices sing)

Wait, how'd you create her without the Staff of Creation?

I didn't. She's a vision.

Ooh, vision.

But if I was real,

here's what I might be like.

? I'd live on a diet of wine and cheese ?

? You'd teach me to say thank you and also please ?

Manners are important. (laughs)

? If you don't have a date, I'll go with you to prom ?

? Oh, I sure would like to have someone like a mom ?

? I'd do your homework when you don't wanna ?

? You'd let me get a big iguana ?

? As long as you take care of it ?

? I'll make you watch all my favorite Rom-come ?

BOTH: ? Oh, I sure would like ?

- ? To have someone like a mom ? - ? To be somebody's mom. ?

Mombo, you're fading.

Because I'm not real.

I'm just a vision.

(quietly): Vision, vision.

I need that Staff of Creation!

You don't need the staff.

You just need to believe.

If you believe,

put your hand under your armpit and squeeze.

(fart noise)

It makes a funny sound.

That's the sound of believing.

Everyone, believe with me.

(fart noises)

(thunder crashes)

There was thunder and lightning

and crashing cymbals.

And steel drums, I want to say.

And Mombo became real.

And everyone was dancing on the ceiling,

and this was way before Lionel Richie.

I'm real.

This is amazing.

I'm so much better than a dad.

What's a dad?

Oh, let me tell you about dads.

They're hairy, they've got no rhythm,

they can't tape a school play to save their lives,

they smell weird, their knees are backwards...

Okay, Gene, we get it.

(humming)

Oh, that's catchy.

And the production sounds impressive.

All those wires.

Yeah, that's the crew kids.

They don't want speaking roles.

They express themselves through pulleys.

Okay, I think I'm ready to remember what my class did.

Ooh, all right. (retches)

We did a little play called "Moms Are out of This World".

It took place out of this world.

TINA: I played a tough lady named Sigourney,

with a complicated backstory and a great jumpsuit.

I was on a mission with a couple spunky space marines

to wipe out an incredibly dangerous alien species

that had a thing for jumping out of people's chests.

- LINDA: Yuck. - TINA: I know, right?

In order to exterminate the aliens, we have to take out their queen.

Which won't be easy.

Yeah, it will, 'cause we got the guts.

And we got the tools. Ha! Come on.

Yeah, take that, alien.

We'll need to be careful and brave,

because this alien is super tough.

It's got acid for blood,

so it can hurt you even after you've killed it.

- Which is annoying. - Like stepping on a dead bee.

Y'all ever done that? One time...

TINA: But before they entered into the fight of their lives,

they had to do something real quick.

... that stinger's about four inches long.

We could trip over these space crates.

I'd better move 'em.

Let me just strap into this super strong,

robotic exoskeleton loader.

Hold on a second.

Uh, yeah, sure.

TINA: Maybe this will come back later. Who knows?

LINDA: Robotic loader?

Flamethrowers?

What kind of budget did you have for these plays?

Mmm. I think it was about $50,000.

- They fired a gym teacher. - And we had a bake sale.

Okay. Let's get this mother.

Oh.

Also, I forgot to tell you.

There are reports of scientific anomalies on this planet.

- A-Anomalies? - Yeah. Scientific ones.

Because of the, uh,

terraforming... station.

And the hyper unit something.

Uh, all right.

What are these things? Space tulips?

Negative. Those are pods.

With alien babies in 'em.

We have to take out the alien queen mom,

if we can figure out where she is.

- Uh... - Oh, there she is.

(screams)

Game over, man. Game over.

(Zeke grunts)

TINA: This was a big moment

when we revealed the alien queen costume/puppet.

There were a lot of kids working behind the scenes

to make this thing look like an egg-laying monster.

Some parents screamed.

One lady fainted.

Dad, talking about you.

Damn it! How am I supposed to kill you

when these trained space marines couldn't?

- You're so strong. - Whatever.

How am I supposed to not be killed by you

with your flamethrower and your advanced technology?

You're so smart.

What? That's crazy.

You're the perfect organism.

Ugh. You have it so much easier than me.

Nuh-uh.

I have slimy hands and two weird mouths.

Your hands are only a little slimy

and you came here on a spaceship.

You have it easier than me.

BOTH: I wish I could be you for a day.

TINA: And then we switched bodies.

I mean, you know, we switched costumes.

But the idea was, we switched bodies.

We body-switched!

(gasps) The anomaly.

Wait, what?

The scientific anomaly.

Because of the terraforming...

- hyper unit something. - Whatever.

Hey, check out my hair when I run.

Ah.

I thought this was Alien.

Now it's a body-switching story?

It's Freaky Friday-liens.

I remember all of this.

Me, too. But, uh, what happens again?

Tina, go on, go on.

TINA: I was the queen, and I decided to take

my new body out for a spin.

I jumped. I whipped my tail around.

I climbed a wall.

The big three.

Ah.

Super cool.

(alien baby cries)

Huh? Oh, a baby. Right.

I'm totally a mom.

Aw, look at you.

You probably want a host body to suck the life out of.

(shushing)

Don't shush me. (continues crying)

Okay. I'm going to put you back

- in your egg-a-majig. - (babies crying)

Oh, more babies. I have so many babies.

(groaning): I don't know how to take care of all these babies.

Ah... Mommy's gonna be back in just a sec.

- Man, that alien sure was tough. - I know.

- And so totally smoking hot. - Do what?

Yeah, I wouldn't say it was hot.

I mean, it wasn't ugly, but...

Yeah, it was ugly. It was a monster.

That seems closed-minded.

Sigourney, you're acting weird.

Weird like cool weird?

Like I just got a lot cooler recently?

Um...

Psst.

(whispering): Can I talk with you real quick?

Ugh. Back in a sec, guys.

I just got to go, um, stretch my human legs out.

I'll be right back.

- I want to switch back. - What? Already?

No way.

Come on. It's hard being in your body.

I'm loving being in your body.

It's so much more compact.

And I love these eye guards.

- I feel like they make me look smart. - Uh-huh, but...

And human boys, I love them.

They have so few teeth. It's cute.

Listen, we got to say "I want to switch back" at the same time,

so the scientific anomaly can happen.

Ready? And...

- I want to switch back. - I'm not switching back.

(sighs) I was afraid of this.

Um, I'm gonna have to force you to switch back

with my alien strength.

- (growls) - Ow.

TINA: And then it was a full-on battle

with that loader you might remember from before.

How do you even use this thing?

Um, you just hold onto the...

- Never mind, I got it. - Okay, good.

(grunting)

TINA: So we were fighting. And the audience

was really into it, and they weren't just being nice

'cause it was a school play. Right, Dad?

It was... it was...

It was like Avenue Q meets Caligula

meets a fight outside of a Dairy Queen.

Yes. Right. E-Exactly.

- Wait, you saw Caligula? - You saw Caligula?

Wait, what's Caligula?

Come on, I don't want to hurt you.

- Switch back. - No.

(grunts)

(growls)

I'm never changing back.

(alien babies cry)

- Sweeties? - (alien babies cry)

Aw. They need me.

(sighs) Okay, let's switch back.

Oh, phew.

But after we switch back,

my babies will need a host body

to feed off of as a life source.

Will you be that host body?

Um, maybe?

I mean, after we switch. Let's switch first.

Okay.

One, two, three...

BOTH: I want to switch back.

- Come here, alien babies. - (babies crying)

Come to mama.

- Ow. - Okay, bye.

I'll get back to you about that host body thing.

Everyone lived happily ever after.

Then the crew kids struck the set real fast and that was that.

So, wow.

There you have it, Lin.

Pretty much how it went at school.

You mean exactly much.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I missed it.

If I was as strong as those mothers in your stories,

I would have gone and just sneezed all over

everyone's dumb faces.

What? Mom, you are the mothers in those stories.

- I am? - Yeah.

You would take a rubber band to the gut for us.

You stand up for us all the time.

Well, yeah, I guess.

And you're not a god, but you're god-like.

That's true.

And you're a badass protective queen bee alien

with acid for blood, right?

Kinda, yeah, maybe.

And you'd forgive your husband

for messing up on some videotaping.

- Geez, Dad. Got to weasel in, huh? - Trying.

Get in here. Mother's Day weekend hug.

I don't think we should be touching.

(phone buzzes)

Hey. The school just sent a link

to a recording of the performance.

Oh. Um...

Should we watch it?

KIDS: Uh...

You know what? I don't want to watch it.

I already know I like your version better.

Got to say, this was a pretty great Mother's Day gift.

What else did you get me?

KIDS AND BOB: Uh...

LINDA: ? Oh, what a feeling ?

? When we're dancing on the ceiling ?

? Oh, what a feeling ?

? We're dancing on the ceiling ?

? What is happening here? ?

? Something's going on that's not quite clear ?

? Somebody turn on the light ?

? We're gonna have a party ?

? It's starting tonight. ?

(laughs)

Everyone's upside-down. The blood's rushing to my head.

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