Original subtitles

- I did some math. It's gonna cost about 40,000

to get this place fixed up. - Dollars?

- Leah known somebody at the church.

- Oh hell no. - Hello!

- You the one that was messing around with my wife.

- That was over 50 years ago.

- 'Cause that's the night I got even with you anyway.

- What? - You kissed my girl,

and I slept with yours! - Ee.

- Remember that hippo you was messing 'round with?

Six-foot six all the way around.

- Ain't nobody like that but Mabel.

- That's her name.

- A few months later, Madea came and told me she was pregnant.

- Oh hell, no. - And you look just like

my daughter Cora. - No, I don't!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

- You look just like her. - Ooh!

What are you saying?

- I'm saying you might be the baby daddy.

- What are you talking about, man?

- That's what I'm trying to figure out.

- Okay, let me explain to you.

- Mabel told me that I was Cora daddy,

so I took care of Cora like I was Cora daddy.

So then, I had... started giving her $14

of my Social Security for child support.

Then, Mabel say, "We gonna go on 'The Maury Povich Show.'"

So she came out on there, "Uuuh, uuuh," like that.

And Maury, he came with the envelope,

he say, "You are not the father."

Okay, tell me what you and Mabel did.

- Now you don't know what sex is?

I tapped that bitch fat ass.

- I don't be doing no tapping.

- Hold on a minute, hold on a minute, hold on.

Sh... let me see your tapping again.

- Why you keep doing it with your finger?

Trying to make fun of me?

- No, I... I just seen your tap, so I did my tap.

- You gonna try to make fun of a man with a hook

and just do... do like that?

That what the hell you trying to do?

- I... I didn't do it with your girl.

- You're lying. You slept with her.

- I ain't do no love.

I ain't sleep with nobody, I'm a Christian.

- Christian hell, you tapped that Christian ass.

- First of all, Mabel ain't no Christian.

- Right about that.

- And second of all, it was one time.

And I was drunk, and she took advantage of me.

- And third of all... one, two, three...

you tapped that ass.

- Did you just count the hook as three?

- One, two, three.

- Anyway, none of that matters.

I've been having nightmares ever since Mabel did love to me.

- Who is Mabel?

- Oh, Mabel is a great, big old woman.

They call her Madea.

- Mr. Brown, that's not nice.

- Oh, don't be offensed.

If you'd seen her, you'd be like, "Golly!"

- Yeah, he ain't lying about that.

She about 634... 634.

- And her waist is about...

Probably 'bout the size of this room.

- Huge woman.

And thought she was sexy.

Just all in your face with it.

- You should see her thighs.

They big like somebody done attacked her with golf balls,

hail damage everywhere.

- Oh my God, they just big and huge.

And they're hard as hell to keep up in the air.

I mean, I had 'em on my back, and I was trying to lift 'em up,

and they was bringing me down. And...

- Okay, alright! Okay, that's... that's enough.

That's enough!

- You get the picture. Don't you?

- Mm.

- I don't think she get the picture.

- Oh, yes... yes, I do.

I don't wanna get it no more.

- Well, I'm just trying to help,

that's all. -

- Well, I don't need no picture, 'cause here she is.

This all the proof I need right here.

Cora? - What?

- This is your daddy. - What?

- Say hi.

- I'm not her daddy!

- What is going on? - Hi. I'm... I'm Leah.

- Oh, oh, oh, yes. - We spoke on the phone.

- Yes, I'm Cora. Nice to meet you.

- This is my husband. - Oh, hello, nice...

- Jeremy, yeah. - Nice to meet ya, Jeremy.

- And this is my grandfather, Vinny.

- Uh, no can speak English at all. No can.

- He lying.

Cora, I need to talk to you.

- Mr. Brown, okay... - Now!

- Okay, don't be so rude.

- Ain't nobody being rude.

- Why are you in such a bad mood?

- I'm not in a bad mood. I was in a good mood

until I came over here, and I seen this... thing!

- Who are you calling a thing, thing?

- You, thing.

- You the one that thing.

- Wait a minute now, will somebody tell me something?

- Okay, he said... - Okay, we was...

- Hey, hey, okay, okay!

One at a time.

Are there any adults in the room?

- Yes! - Yes!

- I'm a full-grown man.

- I'm a fuller growner man than you.

- What really... what's going on here?

- We don't... we don't know.

- Look, all we know is my grandfather said

your daddy kissed my grandmother,

then he slept with some big, tall woman...

- Said she had like golf balls just in her legs.

A hippo or something.

- ...big ol' thighs, and he couldn't get her hooks up.

- Wait, okay, hold on, wait, wait, excuse me, I'm sorry.

Are you... I know y'all not talking about my mama.

- Oh, we're sorry.

We just repeating what they said.

- Mr. Brown, what's going on?

- Cora, I hate to tell you this.

- What? - But your mama is a charlatan.

- Do you even know what that mean?

- Of course. If I say stuff I know what stuff mean.

- Well, what is it?

- She a thot. - What?

- A thing humans ought not touch.

Cora, look it up.

That's the Bible.

- That is not what that mean.

- What does thot mean then?

- They gonna tell you. Tell 'em what that mean.

- Um...

- That's because you don't know.

- I...

I do know what it mean.

Tell him what it mean.

- It mean that ho over there.

Don't look around. Ain't nobody coming.

Ho right there.

You ain't gonna find him. They right there.

- Now wait a minute now.

Hold on, y'all not gonna be talking about my mama

like that, and she's not here to defend herself.

- Cora, your mama could probably defend herself

right where she's sitting in her living room.

She could defend herself from North Korea.

- What do you mean?

- Blou.

She can fart and blow up there, Cora.

Her fart like nuclear missiles.

She let out some of them nuclear gas farts and kill us all.

- Okay, that's enough now.

- Your mama used to go in the bathroom in my house

and my house was next door.

I could smell her from her bathroom into my house.

I was wondering why all these birds

kept flying out the window. - Now...

- One time we had a whole bunch of dead locusts on our grass.

She had done killed everything in...

- Would you stop that, please?

- Cora, say hi to your daddy.

- I'm not her daddy.

- That man is not my daddy.

- Nah, nah, he said he wanted to get revenge,

so he kissed your mama.

- He... he kissed my mama?

- I know, Cora.

It make me... it make me wanna throw up every time I...

think... did I have corn or something?

- Oh my.

- Mr. Brown. You kissed her too, didn't you?

- Cora, you know the story about that.

She hit me in the head, drug me in the car by one leg

and just... she did love to me.

She say, "Say my name, say my name."

"Mabel!"

All I seen was these two giant things coming down on my face.

And all of the sudden I said, "Got milk?"

- You're not gonna be talking about my mama

like that, Mr. Brown. That's enough.

- Now tell her.

- No, I ain't got nothing to say.

- Oh...

You will when Dana get here.

- Who in the hell is Dana?

- D-N-A, and you taking a pregnancy test.

- You cannot be that stupid.

- Are you gonna take a test?

- And you gonna take this foot all up in you're a...

Behind.

I'm not taking no test.

- You... yes, you taking one today.

- No, I'm not taking no test.

- He is not my daddy.

- But, Cora, I'm trying to tell you...

- Why are you doing this?

- 'Cause if this man could be your daddy,

wouldn't you wanna know?

- Mr. Brown, you have been a father to me.

And that's all I need.

Mm, Cora...

that's so sweet, but...

- Well, thank you, Mr. Brown.

Now can we talk about why we're really here?

- No, I'm gonna go call your mama.

- Why?

- 'Cause I wanna know the truth.

- There's no way that random man could be my daddy.

- Cora, look at him.

- Well, wait... you 'bout to pop my neck.

What you... - Look, Cora!

- I don't look like him. - Okay. Squint your eyes.

Squint your eyes.

If you was this color, Cora, y'all'd be twins.

- Would... would you stop it?

You 'bout to smother-cate me. I can't breathe like that.

- It's smother-rate.

You know I'm telling the truth.

- You are not telling the truth.

I do not look like that man.

Now, calm down.

- I'm sorry, Leah.

So, you guys want us to invest in this place?

- Mm-hmm. - Yes, we do.

- Okay. So, do y'all mind if we just take a look around?

- Nah, nah, go ahead, take it. - Okay.

- Would you like us to show you?

- No, just let us go alone, and then I can get him to calm down.

- Calm down? You ain't gotta instruct me to do nothing.

I ain't got to do nothing but stay black and die.

- Well, you already black. When your ass gonna die?

- Would you stop all this cussing?

- And that... that's your real daddy.

- That is not my damn daughter!

- I'm not gonna tell you to stop cussing again, man.

- What you gonna do?

You gonna pray for me?

- Yes, I have been known to do that.

Lay hands.

- That's cold. That is cold.

That is really cold.

- Cora, he talking about... you have to lay hand on him.

- Just come on. Let's just go. - Where we going?

- Okay, the kitchen is that way. - Okay.

- We have some rooms on this side of the house.

- Alright, alright. Come on, come on, let's go.

- You go!

You look like him from the back, too, Cora.

You all walking like him.

- I hope he didn't ruin it for us.

- The hell you blame that on me for?

- You don't see what you just did?

- He came here messing with me.

- What?

- I mean, I don't want no more children.

- Pop, that woman ain't no child.

- I'm just saying, son, if she is my child,

she lay claim to all of this.

All this could be hers.

She'd take it from me.

We won't have it.

- Alright, calm down.

- Boy, how in the hell am I supposed to calm down?

I had one child.

And that was your ugly-ass daddy.

- Grandpa!

- You know, and I swore for God I'd never have another one.

I did. Man, I had it wrapped up so many times...

I couldn't even feel nothing.

I put duct tape around it.

- Uh. - Super glue,

and I'd go in.

- That doesn't sound like that feel good at all.

- At all. - It didn't feel good at all.

But I was safe.

- Never had a disease...

or a baby either.

- Okay, alright, we get it.

- I was so relieved when your daddy got struck by lightning.

Ooh, I was so relieved.

He was fishing.

He caught a big-ass fish, right?

And when he died, we went in and got that fish.

The lightning cooked it right there,

and we put hot sauce on the fish and ate it.

Left your damn daddy sitting there.

- You told me my daddy died in the line of duty.

Stop. - No, no, no, son.

Your daddy died getting some booty.

- I... I can't believe you saying this to me right now.

I'm... I'm not going for that.

- You need to believe it.

- Alright, well, listen, this what you need to believe.

There's no way in the world that woman in there is your daughter.

- Well, I had to confess,

I... I did sleep with the tree.

- Ooh.

- What tree?

- The weeping willow.

Big, more like a big oak.

I had to get a ladder to get on top.

But it was pretty good, though.

- Okay.

- It was also very confusing.

- How so, Grandpa, tell me?

- There, it all started with her braids.

They wasn't on her head.

- Euuh! - Oh my, uh...

- And she had beads on 'em, too.

- Oh, alright, okay. That's enough.

- Grandpa Vinny, how 'bout we run a timeline?

We can dispel all of this.

- Well, you know what? I think my memory's fading.

- I need you to remember just what you need to, okay?

- I... sometimes, I can remember things, and then sometimes

I forget things I don't wanna remember in the first place.

- Nah, nah, you know what, baby? That's a good idea.

- Okay.

What was the date?

- Well, let's see, uh...

I don't remember.

- Um...

you remember.

You said it was, uh, uh, 1966.

- That's what he said.

1966, that's right. I mean, she looks to be about that age.

- Yep. And you know what else?

- Hm? - She look like my aunt Hazel.

- Does she?

- Yep, let me find a picture. Let me see.

- Boy, don't you do that, don't you show her that damn picture.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

- Look.

- She does.

- I know. I really miss my aunt Hazel, man.

She was so cool.

Real sweet. Real sweet.

And she was the peacemaker in the family.

And you know we needed it with this...

- Whatever.

- But you know what I miss the most about her?

She could blow.

She had a beautiful, beautiful voice.

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

- Wow.

- Ah, she sound just like my aunt Hazel.

No, hell no.

She sound flat to me.

She could never sing with Kirk Franklin.

God littlest's Christian.

- Ooh. Mm.

- You can wear him around your neck.

"Glory, glory."

- For real? - Ignore him.

- Cora, oven don't work.

'Frigerator nasty, got stuff growing in it.

- Oh, we could just clean that up, ain't nothing wrong it.

We just clean this all up.

I got a good... I could see it, I could see it now.

- You clean it up.

- This place is nice.

You got to just look beyond what you see...

- Cora, I don't like it.

- Why not?

- 'Cause your... your daddy.

- That man is not my daddy.

- Children don't really know who they daddy is.

- Yes, I do know who my... - The only way they know

if they mama tell 'em who the daddy is.

But they don't know for sure.

Especially if they mama was like your mama.

- Would you stop talking about my mama?

- You know how many men she had at her house?

- Look, now!

- She was like a doorbell.

- Would you stop that?

- You press it, something open.

Wooh.

Cora, your mama was like a doorknob.

- Enough is enough.

- Everybody got a turn. - You...

- Cora, your mama was like peanut butter.

- Would you stop?

- An easy spread.

Cora, your mama was like Hawaii.

- I'm gonna spray you in your mouth if you don't stop.

- Everybody got a lei.

- It wouldn't even work. Stop talking about mama.

She's not here to defend herself.

- Just it, Cora.

- And Madea would have told me if that was my daddy or not.

- No, she wouldn't have ya. - Yes, she would have.

- You know I'm telling the truth.

- Listen, listen, stop it, Mr. Brown.

- Okay.

- This place could be amazing.

- Cora, no. No, it couldn't.

- Yes, it could.

This could be a great investment.

- And that's the same thing your mama used to tell men.

"This could be a great investment."

- I want you...

You know what?

I'm laughing, but that's not funny.

- You laughing 'cause it is funny.

- Okay, you gonna just keep this up, Mr. Brown?

- Okay, I'm sorry, Cora. - Well, this place... look,

it could be a great investment for you.

- Cora, I don't need no investment.

- Yes, you do need an investment, Mr. Brown.

You getting old, your income is not enough.

- Cora, you know this place could probably be

a big ol' headache.

- No, it would not be a headache, Mr. Brown. I...

- And what was all that I saw in the backyard?

- I don't know, just look like a bunch of plants or something

that just need to be cut down, that's all.

- Well, I'm gonna have to bring my lawnmower if we do it.

- Well, I think that's a good idea, Mr. Brown.

But I think you should get in on this deal.

- That's the same thing your mama said.

"Get in on this deal."

- Mr. Brown, no, seriously. Now stop playing.

Concentrate.

- How much money they talking, Cora?

- I don't know. They didn't tell... we didn't

talk about the money yet, but how 'bout...

- That's the same thing your mama said.

Cora, I don't know if I can do it.

- I think you could... Should consider it.

- You think she's thinking about it?

- She look kinda happy.

- Yeah, kinda like your aunt, uh, uh...

- Hazel. - Yeah.

- I don't wanna hear that.

I don't wanna hear that at all.

- This is a good business idea.

And I think you could make some good money by it.

- Well, fine. I just wanna see if he your daddy.

- That would be crazy, Mr. Brown.

- Well, I'm calling your mama.

- For what? For her to cuss you out?

- You got a point.

- But she might tell me... in between her cussing.

- Mr. Brown, she's not gonna tell you anything,

so don't... don't call her.

- Cora? - Hmm?

- You look like Bill Clinton.

- Come on, let's just go talk about the money.

- Now we gotta get the ex-president tested.

- Would you just come on, we not worrying about all that.

- Alright, well, we looked around.

- Okay. What you think?

- Well, it needs a lot of work.

- You... you have to see the beauty of it.

- Well, we do, and we like it.

- We?

You speak for yourself. Ain't nobody French in here.

- Mister... - Oui-oui.

- Mr. Brown.

- No, it's you-you.

- So, what is the offer?

- I mean, we thinking it's gonna cost probably like $40,000

to get this place fixed up.

- Okay, okay.

- And that's what we'll need for 40% of the company.

- Okay. - So it's a good investment.

- What?

Cora, let's go. - Mr. Brown...

- But I did... did I say something wrong?

- Yes, $40,000!

- Look, I'm sorry.

- Cora, he said, $40,000.

- Yes, I heard him.

- This place ain't worth $40,000.

This place ain't worth $4.

- Mr. Brown, stop it.

- Well, Cora, where am I gonna get $40,000?

- You gonna get it from in your sock under your mattress.

- Cora, what you telling these people my business for?

- Well, I... - They could be robbers.

Look at him right there.

He look like he could steal.

I bet you he could pick a lock, Cora.

He just put that thing... and he hook around... come around and...

- Would you stop it? Don't do that.

- Well, listen, I think it's a great idea.

I just need some time to talk to him about it, okay?

- Ain't nothing to talk about, Cora.

- It is something to talk about.

- You... yes, you can do that.

- I just need a few... just a few days, alright?

- Take all the time you need. - Absolutely. There is no rush.

- Alright, okay. - Thank you.

- But can you let us know by Friday?

- Okay, I... I'll get him to do it.

- Oh, Cora, you ain't got the... you don't think

I could hear you? - Huh?

- You know I got x-ray vision hearing?

- What? - I can hear everything.

My hearing is 20/20.

- Your eyes are 20/20, Mr. Brown, not your ears.

- Whatever. - Mister...

- Don't nobody tell me.

I ain't been told what to do since I was two.

Only person tell me what to do is the Lord,

and He ain't saying nothing.

Exactly. - Mr. Brown.

How 'bout I fix you my famous cinnamon chocolate cake

with the nuts on it, with the glaze?

- With the little cherry on the top?

- With a cherry on the top.

- I heard the Lord, and the Lord said...

- What you hear Him say?

- We'll do it.

Under one condition.

- What's that?

- You get a Dana test.

- I'm not taking no Dana test.

- And another thing.

You stop all that cussing.

- Ain't no damn way.

- Don't worry about it, he'll stop.

- Okay.

- We got a deal then.

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