Original subtitles

WOMAN: I was pregnant, and I was scared.

(coughs, exhales)

This is my deathbed confession.

We have just returned from the talkies.

They should never have added sound.

There was pop music and people talking all the way through it.

We had to watch it like this.

I mean, it was better, but I had no idea what was going on.

-I like to read when I'm watching the pictures. -(eerie whispering)

-And then I can... -(echoing): Laszlo.

-Hello? -Hello.

Do you hear this? There is a voice coming from the sewer.

Laszlo.

LASZLO: "Laszlo." It's saying my name.

You won't be able to hear that 'cause you don't have

the finely attuned ears that we do.

Excuse me, good evening. Are you in the sewer?

Yes.

-Yes, it says. -Oh.

Come into the sewer.

-In the sewer? -Yes, yes.

I don't think so, me old boy.

Come. Please.

We're in a sewer.

Quite why we're in a sewer, I've no idea.

Because we've been invited here, darling.

What, to walk through a shit pipe? Please.

-(rapid footsteps) -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What in hell's house was that?

Show yourself.

-NADJA: Hello? -LASZLO: Be you vampire?

Rude.

-(single piano note repeating) -What was that?

NADJA: Huh? Hello? Excuse me.

We mean no harm, we're just w-walking in your shit pipe.

Don't worry, my darling, I shall protect you.

You're just pushing me in front of you.

-I know what I'm doing. -What, putting me in front

-to get the danger first? -Who is that?

LASZLO: You're kidding. Simon the fucking Devious.

Yes. It's me. (chuckles)

I was never in any doubt.

You just said you didn't know who it was.

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

* Don't sing if you want to live long *

* They have no use for your song *

* You're dead, you're dead, you're dead *

* You're dead and out of this world *

* Now your hope and compassion is gone *

* You sold out your dream to the world *

* Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead *

* You're dead and out of this world. *

COLIN: One of the best ways to drain people's energy

nowadays is via the Internet.

This woman is a astrophysicist.

"Actually, this is not how space works.

Read a book."

Now I just wait

-for the comments to come in. -(computer chimes)

"Hey, can you mansplain any louder?"

Yeah, sure.

These are all different accounts that I have set up.

The energy you get this way isn't quite as pure,

but if you do enough of it, it'll fill you up.

"Shanghai sucked.

Where was the Chinatown?"

"Jason Mraz is just too weird for me."

"Jesus actually hates horses."

"Childhood obesity? LMFO."

When they call you a dumbass, you know you've got them.

-(computer chimes) -They called me a dumbass.

"Women are getting too tall."

-(computers chiming) -You can drain their energy via social media

without having to even be near them.

"That is racist."

(chuckles): You are correct, it is.

-(computer chiming) -Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, they hate me.

It's surprisingly simple to get total strangers

completely furious with you.

-(computer chimes) -"I should get a life."

(computer chimes)

-Come, come, come in. -(piano playing)

It's a beautiful song, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, great.

-Um... -We got to go.

Y-You remember, uh, Count Rapula,

-from my crew? -(groans)

-* Sewer dwelling... * -Oh, God.

* Deeper than hell, and subterranean *

* Hotter than uranium *

* Playing 'em from the cranium. *

Yes, "straight from the cranium." How does he do it?

I think he pre-writes the raps and pretends they're freestyled.

And Carol.

Uh, where is my dear Carol? Is she here?

-(gasps) -LASZLO: Good heavens.

Ah, there she is.

A vision, isn't she?

And that is, well, about the extent of the crew now.

Most of them left after...

Are you aware that... my nightclub exploded?

Um...

-Touch the sky! -Touch the sky.

-Shit! -Shit!

I think my hat's probably cursed.

No.

Yes, well, it exploded and I lost my home.

I was found in the wreckage by the ambulance people.

Is that you in there, Simon? Well, I'm gonna take

my hat back, you crispy piece of shit.

-Just going to turn this off. -(piano stops)

I don't know how to play the piano, so I use a Zune.

How did I survive, you ask?

LASZLO: I didn't ask.

No one asked.

I used what little strength I had

and wandered the sewers of New York City,

eventually connecting with Carol...

-(hisses) -...who's been great.

And then I found Rapula by sending him psychic messages.

-Uh, you e-mailed me. -And I e-mailed him as well.

And now it is to my great shame

that you find me here...

-In the sewer. -...in Staten Island.

But what matters is that you are here.

Yeah, listen, this has been fantastic.

-Oh, yeah. -It's been great seeing you.

You should come at anytime.

Nandor would love to see all of you.

Disgusting. Why did you invite the prick?

I felt sorry for the wretched creature. His home is a sewer!

He's not gonna come here. He'll be too embarrassed.

He has some dignity, at least.

SIMON: Well, well, well. We beat you here.

We have visitors, so that's a nice surprise.

We took the sewers, of course. It's a straight shot

from our place.

Now we are here in your lovely home.

-(hisses) -Carol. It is lovely.

These are our hosts. Be nice.

And to reiterate, do not eat.

-If possible. -(hisses) -How do you resist?

Well, it used to be difficult to resist,

but after a while, you start to wonder

why hasn't anyone eaten him?

He's like the last doughnut in the display cabinet.

-(crunching) -Carol. Carol!

Do not eat. Something wrong.

-(hisses) -Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

-(hissing) -NANDOR: You want to show Carol your room?

No. I don't think she'd like that.

-Would you like to see Guillermo's room? -(hissing)

She's going to eat him if she goes to the room.

Okay, probably better not.

LASZLO: We keep spare coffins down here.

There might be something, if you're lucky.

Come this way.

SIMON: Oh, that would be so kind.

-Ah. -Oh.

-(guitar strumming) -Hello, Elvis.

* Mm... *

-Hey. -I made him into a vampire

back in the 1970s.

He sometimes uses this room,

which you can see, he's doing some recording.

-So it's probably best if we... -Hello, The King.

Yeah, yes. Back up the stairs.

-Sorry, Elvis. -It's all right.

* Drinking that big ol' blood, baby. *

SIMON: Really, we'll sleep anywhere.

In the rafters. I could construct a makeshift coffin

out of discarded planks.

Uh, honestly, you are just such a true friend.

(groans)

It is very sad to see Simon so decrepit and weak.

No, it's not.

It's about time he ate shit.

It's partially our fault.

Because of your bloody cursed, stupid hat.

It's ruined him.

That thing makes men go crazy.

Well, we needn't worry about that anymore.

We don't know where the hat is.

-Right? -Well, exactly. Exactly.

The hat is gone, so we don't need to worry about it.

-Thank goodness. -Yep.

There's some kind of human nerd

who is telling people to ignore me.

I mean, he's getting my accounts suspended left and right.

This will not stand.

I mean, he's stealing my food now.

-(computer chimes) -He just told people

that I live in my mother's basement.

"Actually, I live

in my own basement, dumbass."

Fire.

Oh, no. H-He's getting to me.

Simon the Devious, he thinks I don't know what he's up to,

but I do.

There he goes.

Follow me. Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Look. Running away.

Ah... He's only here to steal my hat.

I got you.

(shushes) He's gone into the cellar.

We need to catch him in the act.

There you are!

-The game's up, old chum. -Oh...

Nothing's changed since New York City.

-I don't know what you're talking about... -Really, you smug bastard?

What's behind your back?

Just the rope, I think.

Show me.

Yeah.

-Get in the hall. -Laszlo, I...

-What's going on? -Everyone come down.

Th-There's been a misunderstanding.

-What is it? What is it? -LASZLO: This.

-This thief. -Thief? Chop his hands off.

Don't embarrass him.

Laszlo, my love. He's not gonna get me.

I'm yours, baby. Chill out.

-I'm yours forever. -Uncover that now.

I-I'd really prefer not to, if possible.

Yeah, I bet you wouldn't.

-Well, look at that. -(grunts)

Oh.

Lovely. Very...

Very cool.

-NADJA: Gorgeous. -LASZLO: What the fuck is it?

NANDOR: Yes, what is it?

It's a bat.

I made it myself from sewer trash.

It's just a small gift to say thank you

for allowing me and my reduced crew to stay with you.

I just wanted to say thank you for not abandoning me

-when everyone else had. -Oh.

Simon, you don't need to say any more.

That is so pathetic and truly lovely.

Thank you.

(quietly): Well, I'm sorry.

What was that?

I said I'm sorry.

Couldn't quite hear that.

NADJA: No, I couldn't hear it, either.

I said I'm sorry.

NANDOR: Well, the good news is

you get to keep your hands.

GUILLERMO: Everyone's asleep, so...

you know, I get a little bit of peace and quiet--

Chinga! (exhaling)

(hissing)

She startled me. (chuckles)

(shouts) Mierda!

Hey, Carol.

I know what you are.

Hopefully not lunch. (laughs)

(mouths)

Master?

You are a slayer.

(quietly): What? Why did you say that?

I-- No.

I smell the death on you.

Oh, that, that's just my body spray. It's Axe.

Killer of vampires.

(whispering): Carol, stop saying that, okay?

I'm gonna be a vampire just like you.

-(hisses) -(screams)

COLIN: Sounded like

Guillermo just took a tumble down the steps.

-Maybe I should, uh... -(computer chimes)

F... Asshole.

"If my dick is a pencil,

then why am I using a keyboard to write?"

Fire.

(hissing)

Oh, wow. You're really strong. (whimpers)

I'm really impressed.

Slayer.

Don't call me that.

(shouting)

Slayer.

(screams)

Slayer...

(shushes)

(grunts)

(wails)

I don't feel good about that.

Something bad's gonna happen, isn't it?

(shrieks)

It's just me, Guillermo.

Hello, sir.

I heard a horrible feminine shrieking.

-Were you having a nightmare? -You could say that.

Uh-- Guillermo, why is there all this dust on the floor

in the shape of a body?

Were you trying to make a girlfriend out of dust?

-No, the vacuum broke and... -It is a very messy but cool idea.

Reminds me of Carol.

You know, how she's kind of like that shape and that smell...

Guillermo?

Did you kill Carol?

(crying): It was an accident. I'm sorry, sir.

Oh, no. You killed a vampire.

That's very frowned upon amongst the vampire community.

-Is it? -Yes.

Simon's not going to like the fact

that you've killed one of his crew.

-He's only got a little crew. -I know. I know.

You must not say anything about this to anyone, understand?

-I won't. -Because it reflects badly on me,

-and you will be killed. -Okay, then I definitely won't.

All right... vampire killer.

(sobs)

Only joking. Clean it up.

You got it, sir.

(sneezes, coughing)

I searched his name, I didn't get much.

(grunts)

But I found his eBay profile. He used his actual e-mail.

Hacked that and I found some photos.

One of which had a Pennsylvania watermark.

So I traced that back to another account.

Found his actual location,

an Internet café in Medford, Massachusetts.

Rookie mistake.

Also, he did DM me,

saying he wanted to kick my ass and gave me his address.

So another rookie mistake.

Waiting on my driver now.

-Hello. -Hey.

Mind if I sit up front?

And that's why you have to be careful on the Internet.

There's creeps out there that'll find out where you live.

I mean, you really need to encrypt everything.

Okay, I'm gonna speed up.

SIMON: House meeting.

-To the foyer. House meeting. -House meeting?

LASZLO: The fuck does he think he is?

-NADJA: No, it's night. -It's not his house.

Ah, yes, thank you all for coming to the house meeting.

I wanted to say thank you, for staying here has replenished

my heart and my soul and my body.

And I am forever grateful to all of you for your hospitality.

But onto some more difficult news.

Carol has gone missing.

She seems to have slipped away in the dead of night,

abandoning me...

-NADJA: Oh, no. -...like so many others have.

Guillermo?

-Hmm? -You seem relieved.

GUILLERMO: Hmm?

I think I know why you are relieved.

Why?

Because Carol...

wanted to eat you. (laughs)

(chuckles) That's so flattering.

She really did not like you.

I don't know why.

Probably because he's such a downer.

-Indeed. -GUILLERMO: Yeah, that's true.

Yes, I noticed that.

I just have one...

one final question.

NANDOR: Yes?

Where is the hat?

I bloody knew it.

I want that hat!

Which hat?

-This hat? -Yes. Give me the hat!

-No chance, Simon. -You gave it to me as a gift.

You took it by force from me in New York City.

Yes, and it looked better on me in New York City.

And it will be mine!

(laughs, groans)

I could've sworn that I left that door open.

Devious!

Meet thy maker!

Ha!

I caught your arrow with ease.

(laughs) Ooh!

I caught it inside my hand.

-Do you need a bandage? -No, it's the fucking hat.

-(wailing) -I'll be taking this!

SIMON: I want that hat! I want to feel

the sweet embrace of a witch's sphincter against my...

-NADJA: Idiot. -LASZLO: Where are you, Simon?

This isn't about the hat.

-It's about... (shouts) -(horn honking)

-Ooh! Ow. -(horns blaring)

(shouts)

NADJA: You kept the hat!

You bloody plonker!

-Fuck me. -And now look at you,

bouncing off the cars like a bouncing idiot.

-LASZLO: Fucking hell! -Is he gonna be all right?

(grunts)

-Shit. -NANDOR: There.

-Bat! -(bats squeaking)

Once again, into the shit pipe.

I saw that he logged into the café computer after hours.

I think he lives here.

What am I doing?

I mean, I-I'm stalking some poor schmuck

whose only outlet is his computer?

Nah, this is stupid.

It's gone too far. (chuckles)

(phone vibrates)

Uh, he-he messaged me.

"Colin Robinson, I know you are here.

Meet me in the alleyway, you loser."

I'm gonna teach this little beef jerky

a thing or two about boredom.

Stupid little jerk-chicken human.

This troll.

(heavy footsteps approaching)

Oh.

(neck cracks)

You don't look like your online photo.

(growling)

(high-pitched babbling)

Shh. I'm echolocating. Shh!

(high-pitched babbling)

-(bats screeching) -(Guillermo whimpering)

NADJA: Laszlo, stop it!

-Go, go. -Laszlo?

You've been annoying me, Colin Robinson.

Yeah, well, you've been troll...

-trolling me. -Excuse me, I'm a troll.

I do not like the term "trolling."

Well, it's not really up for you to decide.

-I mean, that's current slang. -Well, I think it is

because I am a troll.

It's an offensive term.

Well, that's what it means, so...

-That's not what it means. -It does mean that.

If you need me to look it up in Webster's and show you, I will.

-You're basically just a big... -Don't say it.

My being a troll is not related to my online trolling.

I-I'm sorry that people use the term "trolling."

-Don't use the word. -But when you're a troll

-and you troll, then you're trolling. -If you say it, I'll hit you.

-(bats squeaking) -It's a bat battle.

-It's a hat battle. -(beatboxing)

* Hey, yo, battly, battly, flappity flap bat... *

R-Rapula, no, no. "Flappity flap"?

Human form! (shouts)

(yells)

Bat!

(shouting)

LASZLO: This doesn't hurt. Not bothered by it.

-Yeah! Simon the bat! -Bat!

NANDOR: Go, Laszlo!

-Which one's Laszlo? -I don't know. Go, Laszlo!

-Human form. -(grunts) Ooh, boy.

-My arms are tired. (chuckles) -You can't win, Devious.

It is you who is outnumbered this time.

Oh, am I? (laughs)

-(bats squeaking) -Oh, shit.

You remember my crew, don't you?

There's Gunthrapal,

Klaglad the Exsanguinator

and of course, Wesley Sykes.

NADJA: You lying piece of asshole!

Impusa, the Freak sisters,

Ken-- the zombie of my former accountant.

Some of our newer members, Neil, Patrick and Harris.

You son of a bastard!

He's planned the whole thing, look at him.

And Elvis.

-(gasps) -What?

-Hey. -LASZLO: Elvis, you traitor.

You only just met him last night.

LASZLO: King, how could you do this?

It was me who made you a vampire.

It is what it is.

SIMON: Ain't that the truth, Elvis?

And Carol.

Has anyone seen Carol?

Shh. Guillermo, don't mention that you vampire-slayed.

-It's a bad look for me. -Sorry, I-I'm hearing you whispering.

-Are you speaking of Carol? -Uh, no, no.

Do you know where Carol is?

Probably somewhere alive.

Okay.

And so that's why you find, on the Manhattan Bridge,

a little more flexibility,

as opposed to, say, the George Washington Bridge,

whose steel towers are far more rigid.

Right.

Guess I thought you would be interested in that,

being a troll, that little bit of bridge history.

-Bridge-story, if you will. -(groans)

Come on, Simon, you don't even know

why you want that stupid, stupid hat!

I want what Laszlo has.

What you and Nadja have.

You have each other and that is...

-Is true love. -...enough, it's enough.

You're willing to settle, and I envy that.

* Visibly shaken, heart is achin'... *

Rapula, you know I love the raps,

but not right now-- I find it distracting, okay?

So just... Nothing satisfies me.

My crew, i-it does not fulfill me as it once did.

Uh, I don't know who some of these people even are.

This guy, I don't know him.

Look at my ex-accountant, Ken, the zombie.

Ah...

Ah, indeed, Ken.

You don't need this very ugly headwear.

It's too big for your face.

It also has a giant curse on it!

Well, now I want it a little bit less, but I-I still want it,

so I will-- oh.

Seems as though my foot is caught in the grating.

No, it seems as though my foot has fused

with the metal when I transformed from a bat.

Ooh, boy.

-Ooh, it's quite... -LASZLO: You know what?

-That looks quite... -This is disgusting.

...quite grisly and intense.

You keep the hat.

-Just keep it. -It's quite painful.

-LASZLO: We're off. -(shouts)

SIMON: Ooh, I seem to be sinking.

Count Rapula, please help me.

I'm sorry me and the crew ain't enough for you.

Oh, I've hurt Rapula and the whole crew.

What's all this talk about you not being fulfilled by us?

I-I didn't mean that, Elvis, please.

-Oh... bye. I'm finished. -Please, Elvis.

What-- Neil? Patrick? Harris?

No, you can't even make eye contact with me.

You wait here. If that hat reappears, grab it.

Carol? What about Carol?

Guillermo didn't kill her!

Why would you phrase it like that?

Did you see how I threw the suspicion from you?

-No, you threw the suspicion on me, Master. -SIMON: Help.

-Help me, please. -Damn it. -Is he gonna drown down there?

Why are you so interested in how vampires are killed now?

(Simon grunts)

I'm not.

I'm just, I just asked a question.

COLIN: And so, I just would like to apologize

for any hurtful things that I may have said to you.

And, uh, oh, look, the sun's coming up.

Don't you knuckleheads turn to stone when the...

Yep, there it is.

Guess I kept you talking too long. (chuckles)

The sun came up.

This guy turned to stone.

Sorry, Fred Mercury, but I am the champion.

(laughs)

Shit.

* Let me hold you tight, my love *

* It's not easy *

* I want to hold you every day *

* So that I can fall in your love arms *

* It's not easy *

* Darling *

* You've made me lose my mind *

* It's not easy *

* I want to lose my mind every day *

* So I can fall into... *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

I would like to explore the idea

of tokenism in the workplace,

where one minority is propped up

to cover the experience of the entire population.

WOMAN: That's interesting.

Wait. Sorry. You're not saying you feel that way here?

(inhales)

MAN: This is your station.

But what am I actually doing here?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Don't worry. You're gonna figure it out.

MAN: I had no idea what I would find

when I went searching for my father.

They flashed the Zodiac Killer, and my heart stopped.

WOMAN: He believes he is the son of the Zodiac.

We are Nadja and Laszlo, the human music group.

She's a superb lyricist.

* We're feeling horny For love *

* We're feeling horny For love *

(up-tempo music plays)

VOCALISTS: Hey!