Original subtitles

-I'm a once-in-a-generation artist. -Oh.

Who just got verified on Twitter, about, what, nine days ago?

I'm glad you feel good that a robot told you you're worth it.

* Hi, I'm Dave *

(odd creaking sound)

(sound repeats)

What the...

Who the hell gave you permission

to monkey around with my precious volumes?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

NANDOR: What has he done now?

He's been monkeying around with my precious volumes.

-No, I haven't been monkey-- I haven't touched your books. -Oh, really?

Well, explain this.

Shit, he's taken it up a notch.

That's worse than before.

Guillermo, why would you do such a thing?

I didn't do it. I-I haven't even been in this room.

I wasn't even here.

LASZLO: Well, you're in there now.

-NADJA: What's going on? -LASZLO: It's Gizmo.

He's been causing havoc in the household.

Ooh.

Look. Look.

"Laszlo sucks," backwards.

LASZLO: Laszlo doesn't suck.

And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards.

GUILLERMO: I didn't write it.

NADJA: Hmm.

We've got ghosts.

-Bullshit. -(Nadja groans)

(Laszlo grunts)

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

* Don't sing if you want to live long *

* They have no use for your song *

* You're dead, you're dead, you're dead *

* You're dead and out of this world *

* Now your hope and compassion is gone *

* You sold out your dream to the world *

* Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead *

* You're dead and out of this world. *

A ghost is the spirit of a person who has died,

but still has unfinished business

on this mortal plane.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Okay, here we go again.

My wife comes from the kind of town

that believes in all this kind of superstitious nonsense.

She also thinks goblins are real.

Personally, I'm a man of science.

All right, then, Dr. Arsehole, how does your science

-explain what we just saw? -Now, you see,

it can be one of two things.

One, a mercurical zephyr.

Two, it's a farrago of gasses,

possibly from a peat bog.

Now, if you capture these and add them together,

-using yellow bile from a plague victim... -(hisses)

...you've got what looks like a ghost.

-But it's science. -Ooh! (blows raspberry)

NANDOR: Ghosts are

the stuff of fairy tales.

Stories we tell children to frighten out

their excess energy so that they might

-slumber more peacefully. -GUILLERMO: Huh.

Did you say something?

I'm sorry, vampires are real, but ghosts are not?

He's heard too many fairy stories from Nadja.

No, I actually just want to make sure

we're on the same page.

You know, after years of working for you,

a known vampire, I have seen

-werewolves, necromancers... -(growling)

...a zombie and several Babadooks,

but a ghost, that's where we draw the line.

Several? You saw one Bababook.

-Several Ba-- -Don't exaggerate.

Do I believe in ghosts? Uh, no.

Color me skeptical.

Um, though, maybe it's ghosts that are always stealing

that one sock from the dryer. (laughs)

I've been experimenting with, uh, humor

to drain energy.

Which reminds me, does anyone here

have any updog?

Updog?

If I didn't know what updog was,

I would at least ask-ask me. (chuckles)

Hey, everybody, look at my enormous crystal balls.

Maybe these ghosts will bring with them some updog.

Guillermo, did you get my joke about my enormous balls?

-I did, Master. -NADJA: Silence!

The time is nigh.

Everybody join hands.

COLIN: Sorry if my hands are a little oily.

It's from my rash cream.

NADJA: Troubled spirits, draw ye near.

Uncloak yourselves and reveal to us your forms

on this terrestrial plane.

I beseech you, using the ancient words.

'Eye' tis ka lay

ksenikon e patroion, e pakouston e foraton e keye,

kath-eye-restho hon-'pear'

apokatharet-eye.

(vocalizing)

Mm...

(loud creaking)

(creaking moan echoes)

-Guillermo, did you make a fart? -No.

I think someone summoned a breakfast burrito.

Silence!

A spirit is struggling to be heard.

Is it maybe a spirit who's struggling with IBS?

(laughter)

You have ruined the energy of the séance

with your toilet potty poo-poo-mouth humor!

And a price will be paid. You fools!

Nadja, we were only joking.

Idiots.

(sighs)

(Nadja gasps)

Oh, yes.

Jeff... Jesk.

So you are a ghost now, yes?

My Nadja.

For an eternity, I have longed to hear

your sweet, angelic voice say my name again.

Well, it's only been a few months since you died,

but that's... Thank you, very nice.

I have missed you so.

Sorry, can I just stop you?

It's really weird with you down there.

If you could-- Sorry, the head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Put it back on the neck. Sorry, it's just... -Right, right, right, right.

-Duh. Ew. -Ugh. (chuckles)

This is better, huh?

So much better.

-Thanks. -So, Jesk, what can I...

Um, sorry for not taking you seriously, my darling.

(scoffs) And what do you think about it now?

What do I think about what?

Jesk, say something.

Hey, thanks for cutting my head off.

-Again. You dick. -NADJA: Now, now.

He was just doing his husbandly duties.

Who are you talking to, my darling?

Can't you see him?

There's nobody there, my dear. Are you okay?

-He's sitting right there. -There's no one there.

-But he's... -I'll, uh,

just go back inside and leave you

to, uh, talking to the air.

Shit.

Nandor!

-There's a fucking ghost on the front lawn. -What?

-Not you, too. -I couldn't believe it myself.

But what mine own eyes have seen, mine own eyes have seen.

I pretended I couldn't see it,

which will give us the element of surprise.

-Okay. Okay. -We must act quickly.

Take the large one.

Yes, good idea.

Yeah, that's better.

Right, where's this fucking ghost?!

(shouting)

JEFF: ...ghost stuff.

Aah! Get ready to swallow my sword! (grunts)

But it's... What the fuck?

Whoa, shit.

-That's wild. -Thank you!

-So, this... -You need to keep your voice down, otherwise

-that thing will hear us. -I can hear you.

Now look what you've done.

-What is this gloopy shit? -Huh.

Looks like ectoplasm.

-Is that right? -(chuckling): I guess so.

-Is there any in my hair? -Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Guillermo, tissue, please.

-COLIN: Quite a bit. -NANDOR: Fucking guy.

That thing needs to be gone.

He's not going to hurt us.

-You're not going to hurt them, right? -No.

I'm not gonna hurt you guys.

-I'm just here to scare you guys. -LASZLO: Bollocks.

-Well, we're not scared. -You should be scared of us.

-NADJA: Calm down. -Really?

How about now?

-Been there, done that. -JEFF: How about now?

(roaring)

(all screaming)

NADJA: Cut it out!

-Would you stop it!? -(chuckles)

Pardon me, ghost.

Later, man. It was nice meeting you.

So here's the situation.

Every time my human ex-lover is reincarnated,

our bodies call to one another.

But without a body, he's all Jesk and no Gregor.

And it stinks.

My unfinished business, how it torments me.

-Please, help me complete it so I may leave this plane. -Sure.

But what, exactly, do you want me to do?

Just, like, swear that you'll help me...

Do what?! No. I don't have time for this.

My husband is shitting himself down the road.

All right, all right. I love you.

-And a little to the left. -(groans)

-It sort of looks like updog. -(hisses)

(growls) These ghosts, what are they?

NADJA: Humans have bodies.

And within the body resides the spirit.

When the human dies, the spirit is released.

And that spirit is a ghost!

We are all dead, technically.

You, me and Laszlo.

Each of us died when we became vampires.

Colin Robinson I'm not so sure about.

But the three of us.

Yeah, I'm not positive what my deal is either,

so I just sort of keep on truckin'.

But what is the point?

If we are technically dead, like he says,

could ghosts of us exist?

No, but--

Huh.

-Hmm. -Hmm.

Huh...

-Not now. -Shut up.

Hootorektas e-'pay' k-elastero

kath-eye-restho

hon-'pear' hootorektas

e-'pay' k-elastero apokatharet-eye.

Ooh, what the blazes?

-(echoing): Where am I? -NADJA: Bloody hell.

(shouts in foreign language)

-That looks like me. -What have you done?

Get off me.

(ghosts speaking foreign languages)

LASZLO: Be quiet.

Laszlo, he's wearing your old night skirt.

He is. Got nothing underneath it by the looks of it.

It's like looking in the mirror.

So handsome.

I didn't even know

I had any unfinished business when I died.

But, as you can see,

I have a ghost,

so there must be something.

(ghost shouting in foreign language)

Guillermo, can you help him with that, please?

-He seems very agitated and restless. -(shouting)

And also, he doesn't seem to speak any English.

Excuse me.

(speaking foreign language)

I can't believe I've completely forgotten

how to speak Al Qolnidarese.

My own language. So embarrassing.

Guillermo, what is he saying?

How-how would I know?

I do remember how to say "Good morning," though.

GHOST NANDOR: Aspam...

Sob bekher.

Baleh?

Sob bekher.

(speaking foreign language)

Yeah, no, that's all I've got.

Aspam oonjahss.

You could have learned to play the bouzouki,

you could have learned to play the zither,

you could have warmed six million flatbreads on hot coals.

You could have done one thousand things

a one thousand times, but what have you done?

Well, I have some things I've been planning on getting to.

Maláka! All you do is sit around this house

with these two dumb men just talking

about their willies and their arseholes.

I wouldn't call them dumb.

-And their farts. -Whatever.

Enough about me. What about you?

How can I help you finish your unfinished business?

Oh... (exclaims in Greek)

You are my unfinished business.

How can I rest until you do something

with your eternal life?

Instead of sitting around here like a bump on a log's ass.

What? Like, learning to play the bouzouki?

-That might be a start! Ugh... -Oh... (exclaims in Greek)

BOTH: ...you are absolutely impossible.

-I am like... -(laughs)

(both laugh)

We said exactly the same...

We did the same with the words.

Oh, come on.

Hey. I was, uh, just giving you an update on my, um...

(clears throat) ...unfinished business?

It remains unfinished.

-So, if you have... -All right, not now, Jesk.

Yeah, okay.

Who was that pasty little piece of hummus?

I'm telling you, don't even go there, girly.

Nothing but a pain and the heartache.

Sounds like somebody has gone there

-and then come back from there. -(laughs)

Well, what can I say?

I'm a ravenous little monster.

We both are. We're very, very horny.

(both laugh)

I bagged this chap on a midnight sojourn to the Lake District.

-Keswick? -Grasmere, actually.

Grasmere, yeah, I used to visit a duchess in Grasmere.

-Yes, I remember. -Yes, of course you do.

Now I am led to believe that your presence here indicates

some kind of unfinished business on this terrestrial plane.

-Indeed so. -Sorry about that, old chap.

-Anything I can help with? -Well, actually, yes.

I believe you can.

You remember the night you officially died, I presume?

Oh, I remember it well.

My lovely Nadja came in through the window, took my life,

thus making me the vampire you see before you now.

A damn handsome one at that, I might say.

(laughs) You're too kind.

Now, you remember the precise moment Nadja took our life,

I was on the verge of a sexual climax.

Well, here's the thing. I was on the verge of fulfillment,

yet I couldn't quite finish.

Ah. I see.

You want to finish your final human orgasm?

Yes. I have tried to finish myself off with these hands,

but they're ghost hands.

-They don't have the necessary stimulus. -Hmm.

How irritating.

Yeah, whereas your meat hands, I'm convinced,

would give me the traction for full sexual release.

Things are not going so great.

The language barrier is insurmountable.

Een khar asan zabooneh khodesham yadesh nist.

Khejahlatam khoob chisiyeh.

Evah.

Aspam oonjahss.

You want to learn how to paint?

Nah. Aspam.

Aspam John.

Yes, my horse John.

John.

Yes.

I get it now.

Aspam John.

Areh. Aspam John.

Aspam means "my horse."

John.

NANDOR: John was my closest companion.

Closer than even members of my own family.

House slaves, concubines,

37 wives.

Sometimes I would feed him nuts and berries from my own mouth.

He would accompany me everywhere.

On the battlefield,

as I relentlessly slaughtered thousands of enemies.

And also, he would be there when I felt a little sad.

John.

(both laugh)

We have decided that my ghost

is going to stick around for a while.

Because we're having a real laugh together.

(laughs)

A very funny hat situation.

Two. One and two.

-(whoops) -You know, it is just so nice

to have someone smart to talk to for a change.

I love Laszlo, I do, but it's always...

-Of course. -(Laszlo impression): "Ah, darling, I seem

"to have got my crotch stuck

-to the taxidermy fox's mouth again. Whoopsie." -So desperate.

You know? And Nandor is just like,

(Nandor impression): "Oh, this battle and that battle."

So much toxic masculinity in the Ottoman Empire.

-Serious. Real problem. -(regular voice): It is a lot me

sitting there silently, nodding and smiling politely

and not a lot of plain talk.

Until this one came along.

Oh. Hang on. (gasps)

Ooh.

-You know, that could be perfect. -Do you like?

-I love. -Okay, so do we need to do any sort

of occult procedure or ceremony or...

Ah. It was that easy.

Oh, yes. Yes, this will do nicely.

-(footsteps approaching) -(laughs) Oh, shh. Shh, shh.

No more talking. I don't want the boys to know

that you have taken a new form.

I don't think they would understand.

-JEFF: Hey, Nadja? -(sighs)

My unfinished business, please?

Gregor, please, just fuck off for real this time.

Listen, will you at least hear my tales of woe?

I want to tell you about them, I need to tell you about them.

Jesk, you are very sweet,

but you're not my responsibility anymore.

Jesk, I think you need to hear this.

You are just a lovely guy that I took very strong sex with

a few hundred thousand times,

and then my husband cut your head off. Move on!

So you have been busy these past 700 years.

(Ghost Nadja laughs)

So you want me to go?

-Go! -All right, all right.

Oh, he's so pathetic.

I love it.

Seriously. Call me.

Jesk!

-Mm-hmm. -GHOST NADJA: See you again soon,

you tasty little honeypot.

(kissing sounds)

Tonne a'otonne-tropon

kathi-restao.

Hon-pear apokatharet-eye.

Yuck.

-(speaks foreign language) -(horse neighing)

(hooves clopping)

(whinnies softly)

-Aspam John. -John.

NANDOR: John?

I have missed you so.

I never thought I would see you again.

John and I were inseparable, but, uh,

eventually, I had to eat him.

My army and myself found ourselves stranded

with no food.

I ate John.

I wept the entire meal...

...even though he tasted delicious.

(speaking foreign language)

NANDOR: Been a good boy, yes?

(whinnies softly)

(speaks foreign language)

John? What is happening?

-Where are they going? -COLIN: I think your ghost's

unfinished business is that

he wanted to be reunited with your guys's horse.

-John. -GHOST NANDOR: John.

Right. And now that you've reunited them,

they can move on from this world to the afterlife.

Farewell, John.

Perhaps we will be reunited again

in the hereafter.

Sob bekher.

Yes. Good morning to you, too, my friend.

Good morning to you both.

Mm...

There, there.

Hug?

(whispers): I think you just need a little updog.

NANDOR: Can we go get some now?

Interesting choice for the walls.

It's not how I would do it.

-NADJA: Hello, darling. -Hello, my darling.

-What have you got there? -Oh... (stammers)

Nothing, really, just a little dolly I thought might

-cuten up the place. (chuckles) -What a charming addition.

So, where is your ghost?

Oh, he, uh, he's moved on,

to the next world.

Did you helped him finish his unfinished business?

-Yes. -Good.

-I'm gonna show her around. -Ah, ha, ha.

-(squishes) -Ugh, what is all this sticky stuff?

Oh, it-it's everywhere.

Is it ghost ectoplasm?

Yes, my darling. That's exactly what it is.

-Ghost ectoplasm. -(moans)

(exhales sharply)

(squishing)

Hon-pear hootorektas e-pay

k-elastero apokatharet-eye.

-Colin. -Hi, Grandma.

You are such a big boy now.

And even more handsome.

It's probably because I have so much updog.

What's updog?

Nothing much, dog, what's up with you?

(both laugh)

-(snorts) -Oh, Colin.

You are such a stitch.

-All right, then. -So tell me, how is your life?

I have missed so much.

Uh, Grandma, I'm gonna be honest, I'm pretty busy

right now, so maybe we can catch up another time.

But there's so much I want to ask you about.

-Okay, got to go. -Oh...

Later. (exhales)

* Darling, I will miss you so *

* When you have gone away *

* Miss your kisses *

* And fond caress *

* Your haunting voice *

* And your loveliness *

* Darlin, I will miss you so *

* Darling, I'll miss you so. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Spirits, uncloak yourselves.

-There's no such thing as ghosts. -Okay. Here we go again.

-(warbling) -(groaning sound)

I think someone summoned a breakfast burrito.

(up-tempo music plays)

VOCALISTS: Hey!

Oh, damn!

(classical music playing)

-(shouting) -(screaming)

What the hell is going on out here?

Ta-da!

-Whoo-hoo! -(splashes)

-(roars) -You've got 20 seconds to decide-- arms or legs?

Decide. Decide!

-(drill whirring) -(screaming)

We're just getting started. (grunting)

-(shrieks) -(farting, grunts)

Ow.

CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!

(high-pitched voice) Mummy isn't here. Try next door.

CHILDREN: Mummy!

WOMAN: Oh, my God. No, got the wrong house.

Did you call the speaker of the house a four-letter word?

-No. -Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. "Ass" is a three-letter word.

MAN: This is your station.

But... what am I actually doing here?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Don't worry. You're gonna figure it out.